Reading Reviews From Member: Shay_Gryff
  
265 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Shay_GryffNot Another Fairytale.: The First Game

23rd January 2016:
Hey! Long time no see, I know. But now that both of us have returned I have some CCs to give you :)

1) I would recommend getting a beta. there are quite a few spelling mistakes and grammar issues that detract from the story.

2) When you cut time, the story loses its flow. Maybe instead you could write something like "after three hours of trying on different dresses, experimenting with hair charms, and piling on pounds of makeup..." etc to convey the passage of time without chopping up the chapters.

As you keep writing, you keep improving. Just make sure to keep your details consistent without including redundant information.

- Shay

 Report Review

Review #2, by Shay_GryffLetters to L.C. : Valentine's Day

4th January 2016:
Hello! Lovely story! It's been so long since I've read a humorous Marauders fic and I'm so happy I stumbled across this one. Great job!

You had a few continuity errors. One of the main ones (at least in my opinion) was that Thanksgiving is strictly an American holiday. If there's a way for you to edit that in the future, I would also recommend it. There was also one point where someone called Lenny a chaser, and I believe she is the keeper.

Other than that, great job!
- Shay

 Report Review

Review #3, by Shay_GryffStill Delicate: Epilogue

1st January 2016:
Lovely job, as usual!

-Shay

 Report Review

Review #4, by Shay_GryffDelicate: Call Me Mum

30th December 2015:
Hello there!

Scorpius/Rose is one of my favourite ships, and I've seen this story popping up in my feed quite often so yesterday I decided to start it, and I must say it was so good! I can see why you won your Dobby, you're an amazing writer!

Lovely story, great job!
-Shay

 Report Review

Review #5, by Shay_GryffPending Further Investigation: xxi. legacies [or] the llodewick institute

29th December 2015:
Great job, once again! As you can see, I spent another good few hours speed reading through this story as well, and it's another wonderful piece!

One quick critique, though I'm sure it was purposeful. I feel like the ratio of queer to cis/straight/binary professors was slightly off balance. There were a few characters (Teddy mostly) where I felt like their queerness was slightly forced. It wasn't so much the amount of queer characters, as the amount of queer professors. I don't know maybe I'm just sleep deprived but it felt like at least half of them were queer, and for a few it felt like it was tossed in more for awareness factors than for developed character points. It did not, however, distract from the story.

I look forward to reading your other TFWMS pieces!

-Shay

Author's Response: thanks, i'm glad you enjoyed the story!

we'll have to agree to disagree on the representation of queer characters tbh.

hope you enjoy them!



 Report Review

Review #6, by Shay_GryffThe Fred Weasley Memorial Scholarship: xxi. the rest of our lives [or] an epilogue of sorts

28th December 2015:
Hello! I started reading this story yesterday, and after pulling an all nighter to finish it, I have to say with no doubt in my mind that it's the best thing I've read in months.

I'm nowhere near as intelligent as the amazing characters that you have brought to life, but I relate to them in so many ways that I never expected. I have my two areas of expertise (kinesthetics and theatre) that I nerd out on and can ramble on and on about - I won't as I'm limited to 5530 more characters - and many of my friends have similar obsessive love over a particular subject. With my friend Sarah it's maths, with my friend Ben it's soil, etc. etc... I digress.

This is a fantastic story, for so many reasons. The portrayal of the various panic/anxiety related illness issues and stress situations over exams and the future are exactly what people in my year are going through right now. I'm in my last year of secondary school and the stress of college and university acceptances has been getting to at least half the graduating class. Vesper's meeting with Rose (obviously not this chapter, but I was speed reading) with her concerns of Potion dependency and the careful balance and support systems built to assist in the event of a panic attack was an eye-opener that I think was just the correct amount of oversight the five of them needed to balance out their "voluptuous ego".

The story was the perfect balance of humor, romance (you have broken my track record of Rose/Scorpious being the go-to ship), self-discovery (trying on labels until you find the right one is basically what I did), and insane intelligence. I absolutely love it, great job, and all that jazz.

I realize this review has no constructive criticisms, which goes against my usual policy of not leaving a review without some form of CCs, but I feel that anything I tell you would be thing you either A) already know or B) I don't have enough knowledge on to give any input.

Keep up the fantastic work! I look forward to reading more of your stories.

-Shay

PS - 'Exit, followed by a bear' is my favourite stage direction ever written and I love that you used it.

 Report Review

Review #7, by Shay_GryffFaking It: An Ending of Sorts

27th December 2015:
Hello! I realize as I'm typing this that you haven't been on in about two and a half years, but I feel the need to hash out my anger.

I liked this story. Iy seemed rushed at times, but for the most part I enjoyed it.

UNTIL out of the blue - and I mean like spontaneous combustion, out of the blue - you got Ettie and James together. It was completely out of character for how you had written James. The Ball chapter was better, but still not as good as earlier.

And THEN, it got worse: this last chapter. I feel like you needed about 20-40 more chapters to fit in the stuff you threw into this. Honestly, I think it would have almost been better to leave it unfinished. Laney and the French guy made no sense, there was no context for the random conflicts, and within a few thousand words you had people go through at least 10 years and the ending relationships made no contextual sense. If you had wanted to end the story within one chapter, feel like it would have been better to have it skip to graduation and just have James and Candice get together and leave everything else up to the reader's imagination. There are so many holes in the story now that it's just making me angry.

Anyway, nice attempt. The end needs some work, but until about chapter 13ish it was entertaining and somewhat cute.

-Shay

 Report Review

Review #8, by Shay_GryffKnock on Wood: Hogsmeade Station

27th December 2015:
Hey Julie!

Fabulous story! I really loved the dynamic between Hannah and Freddie, and Al and Sophie were so cute! Great job, there are still a few typos here and there but nothing that distracts from the quality of the story itself.

Keep writing
Shay

Author's Response: Hi Shay!

Thank you so much! Hannah and Fred were so fun for me to write.

heh, yeah, there are a glaring amount of typos in this story that will probably never get fixed. I am very aware lol.

Thanks so much for reviewing!


 Report Review

Review #9, by Shay_GryffChasing Pavements: Lifetime Of Crushes And Broken Dreams

23rd December 2014:
Hello!

Okay, I really don't understand your reasoning for the twins not liking each other. If they had just grown apart or if there had been some major falling out it would make more sense, but for six years of hatred they made up too quickly. It--again--feels forced and rushed. I feel like the entire story could be fleshed out and edited to be so much better than it already is.

Lots of love!
Shay :D

 Report Review

Review #10, by Shay_GryffChasing Pavements: A New Beginning

23rd December 2014:
Hello!

Okay, I still don't really understand the root of their emotions. For anyone really. Lily and Frank didn't even know each other before they started dating, Adrianna and Remus spend little to no time together, and Sirius and Brianna don't seem to have an emotional reason to hate or love each other. I'm really confused as to where any of their relationships are coming from. Yeah, that's it for now!

Lots of love!
Shay :D

 Report Review

Review #11, by Shay_GryffChasing Pavements: The Games That Play Us

23rd December 2014:
Hello!

Okay, the one big thing that stood out to me was that you used pounds as their type of money, but they would be using galleons. That's it for this review!

Lots of love!
Shay :D

 Report Review

Review #12, by Shay_GryffChasing Pavements: Can't Stop This Thing We've Started

23rd December 2014:
Hey!

Same sentiments as my past reviews, it just need a big edit and update.

Lots of love!
Shay :D

 Report Review

Review #13, by Shay_GryffChasing Pavements: Life Time Piling Up

23rd December 2014:
Hey there!

This chapter has a much better flow than the last, but there are still a few of the same types of issues.

The interaction between Sirius and Brianna seems really fake and rushed. I don't understand where any of their emotions are coming from and I really don't see any real interpersonal relationships between anyone.

Sorry if you feel a bit offended by my reviews, I just want to help in any way that I can!

Lots of love!
Shay :D

 Report Review

Review #14, by Shay_GryffChasing Pavements: Hanging By A Moment

23rd December 2014:
Hello again!

Okay, this chapter especially feels choppy and forced. I feel like it needs more of Sirius' thoughts to show you what is going on instead of you telling us what's going on. For example, instead of saying "Dinner that night" you could have Sirius thinking about sitting down, or have the Marauders talking and getting food, or just something less abrupt and more thought and dialogue driven.

Other than that, this chapter wasn't bad! Not great, but not bad either.

Lots of love!
Shay :D

 Report Review

Review #15, by Shay_GryffChasing Pavements: The Place You Have Come To Fear

23rd December 2014:
Hello!

Okay, I don't really understand why their Muggle Studies professor is using his class time to try and fix his students' behavior. I don't know, I feel like that job would fall more to Dumbledore or McGonagall.

Sorry this review is so short, but I don't even know if you get on the site anymore to read these reviews so... yeah.

Lots of love!
Shay :D

 Report Review

Review #16, by Shay_GryffChasing Pavements: Tumbling Down

23rd December 2014:
Hi there!

A few words were missing and there were a few grammar mistakes, but other than that it was a relatively clean chapter!

I feel like Sirius is developing a little bit, but everyone else is really flat and unchanging. I hope that changes soon!

Lots of love!
Shay :D

 Report Review

Review #17, by Shay_GryffChasing Pavements: Nothing Was All I Found

23rd December 2014:
Hello again!

Even less typos! As you kept going your grammar and spelling improve drastically!

I'm still missing character development. All of their interactions feel forced and fake.

The story is great, otherwise I wouldn't be rereading it ;)

Lots of love!
Shay :D

 Report Review

Review #18, by Shay_GryffChasing Pavements: Can't Fight For Much Longer

22nd December 2014:
Hello there!

The story is starting to flow better, but I don't feel like much is happening to the characters. The past two chapters have had some action, but almost no characterization has been built upon. I don't see Sirius' reasoning for 'falling' for Brianna.

That's it for this review. I still recommend revamping the story and getting a beta to help you.

Lots of love!
Shay :D

 Report Review

Review #19, by Shay_GryffChasing Pavements: Pefer Not To Be Rescued

22nd December 2014:
Hello!

Basically take all of my comments from the previous three chapters and apply them to this one as well.

Lots of love!
Shay :D

 Report Review

Review #20, by Shay_GryffChasing Pavements: I Love To Hate You

22nd December 2014:
Hi there!

There are a lot less typos in this chapter! Yay! However, the dialogue isn't flowing very naturally. It feels choppy and forced, as do Sirius' 'visions' of wedding rings. I understand that it's difficult to put all of OTH into one novel, but in general the pace of the story is rushed and choppy.

Also, and this is a very minor thing, why did you use choke as Sirius' description? I know that it's what was used by Peyton to describe Lucas, but Sirius hasn't done anything to be referred to as choked, and it seems like it's Hayley to Nathan.

This might be just because it's been a while since I've read the story but Alice is Peyton, Sirius is Nathan, Brianna is Hayley, and Lily is Brooke, but I can't figure out who everyone else is. I don't know if it's just me or if you don't have everyone as distinct characters.

Anyway, lovely story, lovely job!

Lots of love!
Shay :D

 Report Review

Review #21, by Shay_GryffChasing Pavements: Getting In Each Others Business's

22nd December 2014:
Hello again!

I know that it's been a while since this story was published, but I really think that if you do a massive edit and update it would really improve the flow of the story. I personally get really distracted by grammar mistakes such as "there" instead of "their" and I know some people who stop reading stories when there are too many typos. I would be happy to beta the story for you if you'd let me!

Again, other than that it's a good story! One Tree Hill is awesome and I'm glad I decided to reread this story as a re-watch the series.

Lots of love!
Shay :D

 Report Review

Review #22, by Shay_GryffChasing Pavements: Nobody's Home

22nd December 2014:
I'm really glad that I'm rereading this story! One Tree Hill was a great show and I'm reading as I watch it (for like the third time)

I feel like you could use a massive edit with a beta. There are a lot of typos and grammatical mistakes that detract from the story. It's also very choppy and I feel like if you revamped now it could be improved drastically.

Lots of love!
Shay :D

 Report Review

Review #23, by Shay_GryffNot Another Fairytale.: That just happened.

18th January 2014:
Hello! I still really enjoy this story. I think once you get going a little more it will be really great. However there are some missing words and major typos that detract from the story. I would recommend getting a beta or having someone else look over it before you post the chapter.

UPDATE SOON!
Shay_Gryff

Author's Response: Hello, thanks for the review. I'm currently on the searchoice for a beta and I'm trying to work through all the typos. For some reason they always see
To slip through. I'm glad you're enjoying the story. Keep reading,

TheGirlOnFirexx


 Report Review

Review #24, by Shay_GryffA Violet in the Sunshine: Chapter 11: Plans

22nd December 2013:
Hello!

I just wanted to let you know that you call Rose's sister both Faith and Hope a few times.

Good job so far, I'm looking forward to the rest :)

Shay_Gryff

 Report Review

Review #25, by Shay_GryffHugo Weasley: To the Rescue: The Talk

21st December 2013:
I love Hugo!!

And Scorpius, just saying ;)

KEEP WRITING :D
Shay_Gryff

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>