Such an interesting idea as to how the map came to be. Honestly your ideas for this all is rather amazing. The thought of using the password came from the portraits and the map itself was made with just one spell. I loved how they each had a little to contribute to it as well. And the fact that peter is actually around quite a bit in your story makes me rather happy as a lot of people would rather leave him out. The chapter also flowed really well and i enjoyed the whole thing. Great job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Confession: This chapter was TOTALLY written at the last minute, just because I knew I needed to explain the map away -- so I'm really glad you liked how it all came together! :D It was sort of slapped in there hastily, and I think if I'd had time it would have come about more naturally. Alas, such is the nature of writing fan fiction on a consistent update schedule.
I think it's important that they all contributed to it, too, even Peter. It is the Marauder's Map, after all, not James-and-Sirius's Map! Or something. I don't know. I've had waaay too much coffee these past three or four days. But yeah, I really wanted to focus on putting Peter in there properly. I wrote a Marauders one-shot a long time ago and never published it, but Peter got kind of a rough treatment in that one, and it's always stuck with me as something I shouldn't have done. He was as much a part of the group as Sirius, no matter what he did later.
Thank you for leaving this review, too! It really made me smile, returning from vacation and seeing these reviews waiting for me. ♥ I hope to see you back around before too long, too! Report Review
So my goal is to see how many reviews i can leave you before you come back from your trip. Onto the review.
This chapter was actually pretty cute. I love seeing the groups frienship levels and all of their interactions together and i felt that the beginning of the chapter was a great opening. It set up the rest of the chapter rather nicely. I cant imagine having to get up so early and go trudge around outside in the cold weather on your own and wait any amount of time for a friend to come back. The only thing i wondered though was why they didnt just use one of the secret passage ways into hogsmeade.
And i got to have more Severus and Beth action in this chapter! I absolutely loved it! They are both starting to warm up to the idea of each other and the possibility of there being something more than just being classmates between them. I also loved having that little bit of his pov at the end. I very much enjoyed this chapter and look forward to the next. Great job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Oh, how nice! ♥ Thank you, Erica!
The friendship level in ITB (and in all the books, really) was a huge focus of mine, just because I feel like a lot of times people who write the Marauders forget to incorporate just how strong their friendship was on its own. And then, of course, James makes Beth get up in the freezing cold and slosh around in the snow, but they're still great friends! Beth is too nice to that boy sometimes, honestly -- but he understands her and Snape, more than any of the boys understand it, and I think she'd be willing to put up with a lot more from him for that reason alone.
The end of this chapter is one of my favorite Severus/Beth bits from this entire book! One of my readers made a little fan art from it, actually, and I'll show you that here in a minute; I adore it. ♥ Things are very slowly but surely changing between them, and I'm so excited for you to read about what's going to happen. Oh, there's so much in store for you!
Thank you so much for returning and giving this another read. It really means so much to me, and your reviews are always so lovely and complimentary! :) Report Review
Another great chapter Helen! I'm so glad that they didn't take it out on her that she just happened to slip through the protection. I only found one mistake and it was here: "The others all looked glanced at each other before looking back at me." you have both looked and glanced where only one is needed. Other than that though, this was a wonderful chapter and very interesting. I liked seeing her interact with people her age and such it brought about another part to her which was really good to see. I think her relationship with James seems rather interesting, they've never really talked properally so they don't really know anything about each other but I imagine that him helping with her house will probably give them plenty of chances to get to know each other. I'm hoping that the relationship wont come too fast due to him calling her crazy cassie and such but I look forward to seeing how you do get them together finally. I think you did a great job with Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny in this chapter. They still seemed to be them which is always nice to see in any story that has them in it. So great job on that. Overall, I really liked the chapter! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Ahhah! I'll be going back over and fixing that little mistake up. James and Cassie have had slighhhtttlllyy more contact with each other than they're letting on, although none of it did them much good. And given how many chapters I am through and how far their relationship has progressed thus far, I'm pretty sure no one could accuse them of going too fast... Thank you for such a lovely review and I'm really glad that you liked it :D Report Review
Helen, you have such a fantastic beginning of a story here. I love your main character. She is something very unique and different from any other character that I've ever read! She seems very fun and interesting, and this talent of hers to sense magic is already getting her into a bit of trouble and I can only imagine that it will continue to get her into more trouble as the story continues on! I love your ability to do story telling! Honestly its just fun and fresh and I would say that you and Rachel are two of my favorite authors on this site! Both of you could sell me on any random story/pairing/plot line/whatever have you! I absolutely love your stories as I think that they are all extremely fun to read! I admit that I dont come by as often as I would like to leave you a review on your stories but know that I'm supporting you with each new chapter/story posted! I think you're a fantastic author with a lot of potential to continue on! Every time I think I might just pop in and read a chapter of this or that, you end up getting me sucked into your story and make me want to continue reading!
This opening chapter was great! It gave the readers a good idea about your character without just out right shouting anything out about her. We just go with her and learn about her through different things, like sensing the magic, tripping over roots/branches and such lets us know that she's probably a bit clumsy and that trouble some how ends up finding her (even though in this case she kind of went looking for it). This first chapter was great and left off at a great part! Now I want to know who will find her and just what exactly will they say when they find her? Will they threaten her thinking that maybe she meant to hurt them? Or will they realize that it was all an accident that landed her there? I guess I'll find out when I read chapter two! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Okay so this is such a lovely review let me just sit and drool for a few minutes.
Yeah. Couple more secs.
Okay, I'm done.
I'm really glad you like the beginning of this! At the time of this stories conception, there were a lot of 'special powers' story going around (most of them the seer-type stories) and I want to sort... have a go but do it a lot differently, so I'm really glad that people have been so supportive of Cassie's little power.
Well, thank you very much for such a lavveeellyy review. You're awesome! :) Report Review
Oh wow! This was just wonderful! I loved the way you tied in the title and really made it the center piece so to speak of the story. It was such an interesting read, and while it was dark, it was also so good! I loved it! I wanted to know more, more about them, and him, and how they had come to know each other but the little snippets we did see were great! I loved that she gave her life for his and helped him see the light. But most of all the usage of your title really made this stand out and I felt like it was just perfect! It was fun to read Draco like this, so in love with someone and idk it was just different, but a good different! The ending was so beautifully sad and just great! I very much enjoyed this oneshot! Great Job! Thank you for entering my challenge!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing.
I am glad you liked it, and that you found this well-tied with the title. I had never attempted such a fic before so I am pleased that you found this interesting, dark, and good. Its good to know that you liked the concept of her giving her life for him, and helping him. I am so happy that you liked the usage of the title. Yeah it was different, it was AU, but I am glad you enjoyed it. I decided on the ending after a lot of contemplating so its good to know you liked it too. Thanks a lot! And it was great to be a part of your challenge. I hope to know of the results soon.
Cheers! Report Review
This is a very interesting oneshot! I like that you used the pairing I gave you but used them as not exactly a pairing so to speak. There wasn't any romantic relationship going on between them anyways is what i meant to say. I think you took this story in a very unique way and definately put your mark on it. For me, I wasn't sure how exactly the title really played a roll in the story. Was her hearts temptation using an unforgivable? If so, it would have been nice if you had expanded on that a bit more. It seemed like that part of the story was really over and done with rather quickly so it was hard to say. But I really like how this oneshot was something so much different than I had ever thought of! It makes it stand out more and makes it completely yours! I thought you did a great job! Thank you for entering the challenge!
~Slytherinchica08~ Report Review
Oh I really liked that bit at the end with Remus! It was very interesting, switching povs over halfway through the story but it worked. The only thing I would really suggest is to maybe make the switch a bit more obvious. It tripped me up a bit going from James to Remus and it made me reread bits just so I could figure out who was talking. I enjoyed reading both povs though. It was nice how you tied in the beginning and end with the title, waiting for you. As they were both waiting and while one didn't have to wait too long, the other is going to wait the rest of his lifetime. I could feel the longing for both of them which was nice and I thought all around that you did a good job with your title, rating, and pairing! Thank you for taking part in the challenge!
~Slytherinchica08~ Report Review
Sarah, its not very often I come by your stories and honestly its a bit of a shame that I don't do it more often because you are such a wonderful writer. The idea of this story alone is amazing! Its so unique and it calls out to me because of that. I set out my day to do some random reviewing but when I came across this story I knew that my time would be spent here instead of with other stories.
You did such a wonderful job of setting this up. The description and feel of this story really pulled me in from the first sentence until the very last one of the chapter. Its such a different idea, to use Sprout and Tom Riddle. I've heard of Minerva and Tom so your use of Sprout is rather interesting of its own rights and so fun! I loved her. She seems so normal, which can honestly be hard to portray in a character because we all want them to stand out and have these unique qualities but being that she feels a bit plain it was nice to see that all around she really was just a normal person. Honestly I can say I've never read a story about her nor have I ever really wondered about her but now that I sit here reading this short story of yours I wonder why I haven't. There must have been something else to her other than her becoming the herbology teacher so it would only make sense that things had happened to her.
The voice you use for this story also sets this apart. It's very flowy and descriptive and fun. I can see the scenes that you've written out for your readers and the chapter was such an easy read. Like I said, it all flowed really well.
This chapter left me interested to find out more, more of whats going to happen between Tom Riddle and Pomona Sprout. You can bet that I will be back to read more of this story, maybe even tonight. I very much enjoyed this! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~ Report Review
I think this first chapter shows a lot of promise for this story. Youve got two very interesting and dark wizards that start off this story and they create interest and questions for the readers. Both are good to have in opening chapters, or any chapter for that matter,they draw readers in and make us wonder whats going to happen and want to continue reading. I like that we dont really know who these dark wizards are and i think youve done a good job of creating seperate personalities for them. I also like having this as the beginning chapter. It creates interest, gives the reader an idea of where this story might go,and already sets up a bit of mystery as to who these men are. This story has plenty of potential and peaked my interest. Great job!
~slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Thank you so much!
That was one of the main reasons I created that chapter in the first place. The rest of the story has sort of a slow start, so I wanted to make the first chapter action filled and mysterious to hook the reader.
Good to see it is working! And thank you so much for this generous review! Report Review
Oh my gosh Rachel! I just dont have words for this but I'll try! The beginning and end were perfect. I loved how you were able to tie them together so seemlessy like that! I loved the little snippet of their life together, suggesting happy times for them but yet also the horrors of the war still plauging on in their minds. This was such a brillient piece! I loved how you tied in her love of the cottage all things about it both the good and its imperfections to also Bill's imprefections and how she still loves him too! I'm not sure that I've ever read a piece quite like this. The style of it just reads so smoothly and just comes across so artistically to me. I don't know what it is about this piece, or your writing for that matter, that is always able to capture me so. I swear you could probably sell me on a book about a banana for all I know and you would be able to pull it off and I would just have to look at it in complete awe! It's never been a huge secret that I absolutely love your writing but it always takes me a bit surprise when I read yet another piece from you and its all just so brillient and beautiful and so well pieced together. I look at your stuff and think well now why hadn't anybody else figured out to do this before you? But I'm not sure if I would like it as much if it wasn't from you. There's a special piece of you that you put into each chapter you write, and it just makes your stories shine with love and gives it just that little bit more to make it even more amazing than it would be. I think this ended up being me gushing more about you and your writing skills than actually about this oneshot but know that i think this oneshot is absolutely amazing and so well done and all I can really do right now is just gush because I'm so in awe of it all!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Erica! Oh, I'm SO happy that you liked this, and I apologize for just how long it took me to properly respond to this review. It always makes my day to see you've come by to review something of mine, and no matter how many days go by before my response, it's no reflection on my level of gratitude, I assure you. :)
I'd been wanting to do a Bill/Fleur one-shot again ever since finishing "Painted Blind" and Sarah made me realize how long it had been since I'd written proper fluff, which was how this story came about. I had a lot of fun doing it! Everyone needs a bit of fluff in their lives, I think. I'd love to write some more in the not-so distant future, although the next (small) thing I've got planned is very dark and angst-ridden. But soon!
I am finding it difficult to respond to this. ♥ In the best way possible, of course! I am just so glad to have you as a friend, and I'm so grateful for the immense support and encouragement you give to me and my stories and my writing, always. I truly, truly am. Thank you for having a look at this!! Report Review
Oh this chapter was honestly just so sad for me! Her thoughts and actions still suggest a deep unsettling emotion deep inside of her and I can imagine that anyone would be still only days after finding out that you are now a werewolf. I felt so bad for her, when her boss asked her to basically use this condition of hers to help with the prophet. It seemed almost careless, or maybe rude is the right word I'm looking for. Dom is still trying to get over the idea that she is a werewolf and then along comes her boss to say that she has great plans on how to best use this to suit the prophet. I can imagine that I would be rather upset if someone did that to me. The ending was great. I loved that Teddy suddenly appeared and that it also makes the reader wonder whats going to happen now. He just suddenly comes but doesn't look happy at all to see his girlfriend. It makes me wonder if the time apart is going to make him think maybe they need a break, or is he going to fight harder to try and keep her? Or is he upset because the bite mark is visible so it really makes him hurt for her? I'm not sure but I'm interested to keep reading and finding out these answers. Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Hey! Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing.
Yeah, it was quite sad, wasn't it? I am pleased that you could understand the emotions beneath her thoughts and actions. Her boss is quite rude, or I should say unsympathetic. We'll definitely see more of her in further chapters. I am glad you liked the ending too. Well, Teddy is certainly not the kind of person to give up on Dom, and he's one who won't care about the bite mark. He is a very calm, sensible, gentle personality. You'll see why he was unsmiling though =)
Thank you! Report Review
Oh my gosh! This chapter was just so heartbreaking. That opening paragraph though, was so catchy and really pulls the reader in, or at least it did me. I like that it was her dream in a way telling her what is going on with her even if the actual events of the dream are slightly different from what actually happened to her. The family reactions I think were spot on. Everyone was clearly upset and I can imagine that even though the family has had some time to come to terms with the news that it would still be hard for them to try to tell her what is going on. Dom's reaction at the end was spot on as well. I can imagine that she would be scared and hurt enough that she would say those things to Teddy and even though she really doesn't want to hurt him, she just wants him to understand how much she thinks her life is ruined and how things have changed for her and that she's not the same person that she used to be because of this run in. I would say the only thing that seemed out of place for me was her calling her parents by name. I don't really know many people that do call their parents by name, even as they do get older so it just struck me as something kind of out of place. Also is there no Louis in this story? I noticed that you didn't mention him being there so I wasn't sure if he just wasn't present at that time or if he's just not going to be mentioned in the story. Anyways this was another great chapter! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing! Yes, it was quite sad wasn't it? Poor Dom. I am pleased you liked the opening paragraph, I struggled with writing it. Dreams can sometimes be a distorted reflection of something that happened which is what I wanted to convey. I am glad you liked the family reactions, as well as Dom's at the end. Indeed, she is very scared and hurt and just a mess, which is why she lashed out at Teddy. Oh I didn't realise that I had her calling her parents by their names. I'll rectify that. Um well I didn't exactly keep Louis in mind while writing this, but I am thinking of perhaps including him in future chapters if I can find a good explanation for his absence until now (since "I forgot about him" doesn't seem quite right) xP Thank you for your lovely review! Report Review
Oh what a very interesting concept! When I first saw the summary i was thinking of the Battle of Hogwarts being what she fought for seven years but this is a great idea. To have the war be with herself and her thoughts of being with Draco and being what she considers "bad". I loved the changing definition of what bad was to her throughout the years. It really added that much more to your story, and made Pansy that much more canon to me as you grounded her into canon events. I thought it was great that she didn't want to be the women in frilly dresses like her mother but instead be outside playing in the mud and getting dirty, ruining her clothes, much to her mothers disapproval. The description was good and the chapter flowed really well! Honestly, I think that Pansy was absolutely perfect in this and that it was all just really well done. I loved the ending with her and Draco. That last sentence was really perfect! It really ties the whole thing together. I loved it! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Hey!
So sorry for taking absolutely forever to answer! I was very worried about the reception this story might get (still am) and therefore have been putting off answering the reviews :P I'm kind of chicken that way, haha!
Thank you so much for the compliments! I am thrilled that you found the story ties together and fits with cannon. Pansy is not an easy character to understand and I am happy to see that I managed to give her a voice more or less successfully :D Report Review
This is another chapter well done! I feel so bad for how long its been since I've last visited this story as it is really interesting. I love Brienne. There's still this huge mystery around her which makes the readers want to know more about her and this story that you've written. I also love her friendship with Angelina and Fred and George. They seem to have this wonderful friendship with each other one that I would say might even rival the trio! I thought it was awesome that you kept the events of Sirius breaking in and them all needing to sleep in the Great Hall in your story. It grounded me, gave me something familar to take in with the new. I love the little hints of romance that are being placed in the chapters and do look forward to more! This was a wonderful chapter! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Hi! It's lovely to see one of your reviews again :)
It's hugely important for me that I keep this grounded in canon, I want to make this seem as integrated as possible with the orginal story. So thank you for saying you like how it keeps in time with the Hallowe'en debacles.
You're so kind! This quartet could rival the Trio? Seriously? That is literally one of the biggest compliments anyone has ever paid me xD Woah! Thank you so much.
Thank you for your review and your kind words. Thank you! Report Review
Aw I haven't read much of your work lately and I thought that this was amazing! I can see so many improvements that you have made over the time you've been writing! I loved the idea of this, of her being around werewolves all her life, Teddy's stories and her fathers, but yet still had a deep fear of them. I think its interesting that she had to write a story on a pack of wolfs that decide to life in the wolf lifestyle. The ending on this was perfect as well! I loved how she opens the door and there one is! That last paragraph really was perfect! I look forward to reading more and finding out what will happen to her now that she has been bit! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Hey! Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing. I am pleased you think that I've improved with my writing, thank you. I put in a lot of thought into the plot so it's great you like the whole idea. The last paragraph was perfect, really? Thank you! It means a lot to me. I am glad you liked this, thanks. Report Review
Another fine chapter here! I think you are doing a great job with your main characters characterization, keeping her about equally as sarcastic as she seemed in the first chapter. It was interesting seeing her interact with her family, she really does seem like she doesn't fit in with them at all! And her dad seemed kinda rude to her, expecting her to get all of those owls and not understanding that she isn't exactly equal to him or her mom when it comes to schooling. Poor girl, I would hate to have all of that pressure on my shoulders! Her friends are awesome! I love Reg, he's just so weird but doesn't seem to really care that that is what people think about him. I really don't have too much else to say about this chapter as not much really happened during it. But it was enjoyable! Also i didn't really spot any mistakes in this chapter so great job on that! I look forward to reading the next chapter! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Hey =)
I know the chapter 2-4 are quite uneventful cause I wanted to get the reader a feel about the characters and their friendship. Also their had to be some things out there before it could get to the good stuff, for people to realize why this is "the good stuff" ^^
Well, I really hoped to make up for it with humor and I hope I could trigger some interest as to where this will go.
So thanks again =)
PS: I was a little busy lately and didn't to read much, but I'll try to drop a review or two this weekend. =) Report Review
Oh this was such a great chapter! I loved the party here at the end and them overhearing a group of wanna be death eaters. The flashback of Lily with her mom was really great as well! I loved the description put into this chapter, it was all really done and was just absolutely wonderful!
I couldn't help but feel so bad for Lily in this chapter. She's kind of having a bit of rotten luck, first having a hard time with her potions assignment, though it sounds like almost everyone was, and then having that flashback, running into the group of death eaters, and then consuming a rather large amount of alcohol! But I really loved seeing her interact with Lupin. It was just a really sweet and friendly conversation between the two and to me was just the perfect touch! The ending with James and that girl trying to get at him was also great. It was nice to see Lily get jealous about it and decide that she wanted to do something and get away with it like the guys usually do. And then James helped get her out of the common room in time for her to get sick! It was just so sweet! And the part where Remus almost admitted that James was in love, gah, it just left me with so many feels!
I very much enjoyed this chapter! I didn't really see any mistakes or anything that could really be changed! This was a great read and I'm glad I came by to read more of it! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Hi Erica! ♥ I spelled your name right, right? I have a best friend named Erika, so I'm always putting K in place of C, haha.
I'm so happy you liked the party and Lily and Remus overhearing the prospects! This chapter is probably my least favorite of the entire story, so it's always a relief when someone has something positive to say about it. If I could get though my computer, I'd be hugging you right now.
I think Remus and Lily's friendship is such a sweet one and I try really hard to give it the attention it deserves, so I'm ecstatic that you feel the same way about it! Writing that flashback scene was a lot of fun for me. I think Lily would have been an adorable little girl!
I'm so happy you liked this one ♥ If you catch me on review tag again, I'll be curious to see what you think of five! It's when, in my opinion, things start getting interesting ;)!
Thank again ♥!!
Jami Report Review
So I don't know anything about SM other than that my cousin used to be obsessed with them so I'm not really sure what all is going on or could possibly be going on. But i do think that this is a good beginning. It makes the reader wonder what is going to happen next, who is Ginny's husband, who is firefly, what exactly are we hinting at in this chapter?It really does make me want to hit the next button so i can find out! I loved the voice that you used in this chapter as well, it was mysterious and interesting and just very different from anything else I have read! I'm not really sure whats going on but I do know that whatever it is, its interesting and very different from anything i could probably imagine! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~ Report Review
This was so cute! I loved the fun friendship banter that was going on between the two different groups! And then Sirius mentioning that someday the right girl will just fall into James arms and then of course Lily trips a falls and James catches her in his arms! It was just so cute! I liked the ending, Lily admitting that she's no longer afraid of falling, now that James has told her that he will always be there to catch her when she falls! This was really just a fun, cute, sweet read! The ony thing that made it hard to read is the huge spacing in between everything, and it broke up the flow of your story a bit. But other than that I thought this was a really well done oneshot. Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~ Report Review
Aw this is a really sweet oneshot! For a James/Lily story this is something different than I have ever read and thats really saying a lot as I've read a lot of stories about James and Lily. This story has a really awesome concept, that James is always going to forgive her, no matter what she does, and no matter how many times it is that she does it, he will still be there waiting for her. I really felt for both James and Lily in this oneshot. You mention how she was already feeling pain from rejecting him but then her pain almost doubles because she had to witness James pain at her refusal. I like that this story had a nice happy ending. He came and he picked her back up and she was finally able to give in to being with him! The bit about the locket was really sweet too, that she wore it all the time, even though she wouldn't let herself date him, was just a nice little touch. Its always nice to know that at least one person likes you so I can see where she came from in that aspect! I really enjoyed this oneshot! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~ Report Review
I thought this was a very interesting concept to play around with. At times in this chapter I felt Voldemort was a little ooc, I dont think he really worried about killing Harry, or any of those other people really. But those are just my thoughts and as far as we know maybe he did feel bad about all those kills. There were also times in this though that i could see the Voldemort that I knew from the books. When he mentions how he has a hard time sleeping because of all the people he has killed in their sleep and he's afraid others will do the same to him, to me that was really good! Overall this was a fun read and gave me new perspective about Voldemort and what he might have been going through on the night of the Battle of Hogwarts! I didn't spot any mistakes or anything else that could have been changed! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~ Report Review
So first of all, let me comment on your summary. I love it! I think it does a really good job of catching interest, or at least it caught mine. I love reading stories about people who feel like they are misfits maybe its because I think everyone at some point in time probably feels that way and also because I myself have written a story or two in which my main character has felt/been a misfit.
So this right here: "Head boy, Quidditch captain, popular, a Ravenclaw – imagine growing up with a Ravenclaw parent - and how my mother often puts it, a hunk – not that I would call my own father a hunk, but let me tell you it’s a disturbing experience when your fellow classmates sigh and swoon each time they hear your father’s name – he’s been quite a prodigy during his time." is all one sentence. You might want to think about going back and making this into at least 2 sentences to help make it not seem so long. Right now I just look at it and while I get what its saying, there's really nothing to break it up and allow the reader to digest so to speak. You do it again here: "She was the popular girl during her time at Hogwarts , the pretty one, beloved by everyone, but apart from that grandma raised her to be the perfect wife, to find a man like my father, with the right looks, wealth, influence, than marry him and have perfect little children." My suggestion for this would be to put a period after everyone and then start a new sentence with "But apart.." I think it will just add that little bit more to the chapter. And maybe here: " By the way, while hers were always an angelic example of perfection, mine were an unruly mess." Instead of starting off with by the way, I think that by taking that part off and starting it with But while, it will make it flow better. It made me pause anyways when I first read it since it looked a bit strange to me. This part: "pass me on the streets I probably would trigger " would should be wouldn't. Here: "personality that just drawed you in." drawed should be drew.
Um wow, I'm really sorry about that long paragraph of suggestions! It didn't seem like it was that long, oh well. Anywho onto my thoughts! I really liked this first chapter! The voice of your character is great! She seems very sarcastic and funny, and just very interesting! I loved all of the introductions, I thought they were all very well done and give us a good idea of who our main players in your story will be! So I think this first chapter has a great voice and if it continues throughout the rest of the story you're well on your way to a great story! From what I can tell in this first chapter it seems like we are going to have a lot of fun with these characters, and that things might not always go right for them either. It seems like this is going to be a rather humorous story! I'm excited to see where exactly you are going to take your characters in this story and how they trio of misfits are going to handle their times at Hogwarts! Especially with James Potter running around! I really look forward to reading more! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Hey =)
Thanks so far,
I din't mind the suggestion, I'm rather grateful actually, since sometimes it's quite hard to enact the advise someone gives you.
But I guess I really have to take some time, to go through all of that again and rethink it ^^
By the way, I know about the "would"-typo, I already changed it, but it's not yet revalidated.
So, I'm glad you like it ^^ and thanks again.
I'm off to take another look at yours now =)
T. Report Review
What a very interesting first chapter! I loved how you started it! It really seemed like we were back in that time but instead it was just a dream, one that harry had had years ago but was somehow coming back to him. I thought you had Harry down pretty well! During the fifth year of his schooling, he was a lot easier to anger and he knew that it was stupid but for some reason he couldn't help it, so I thought that was really nice that you included this bit of canon into your story. I really only saw one mistake but it was just accidently having a t instead of a y at the end of a word. The only other suggestion I would make for this chapter is maybe to put a break line inbetween his dream and him waking up, but its not a huge deal if you keep it like it is, I found it easy enough to follow. I think this first chapter was very interesting, and makes me wonder how exactly this dream is going to come into play with the story. I'm really excited to see where you take this! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! Please continue to give your feedback for the other chapters, they are greatly appreciated! Glad I'm living up to expectation so far.
~K Report Review
I actually really liked this chapter and im so glad that i took this chance to read it. The characterization is so interesting and fun and unique. The voice of the story is also really different and i liked it. I think its awesome that you are writing about characters who do tend to get overlooked in fanfiction and are filling in their story. I love that this is ground in canon events, it really helps us to understand where we are at with the characters and where we might expect them to go. I loved some of your word usage as well. In some spots things just really stood out to me just from a certain word used and really helped me to connect with the story. I thought characterization was pretty spot on for Neville, very much into herbology and very much not for potions. I felt for him when he describes himself of being an under dog, unnoticed, thats never a fun feeling. I love how hannah seems to have taken an interest in him as well but he cant see that at the moment. Really i thought this first chapter was pretty solid.
~slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Thank you so much. I absolutely love this story. Think it is my favourite to write. Thanks so much for taking the time to read it. It means a lot that you left such a great review too.
I hope you enjoy the rest of the story :) Report Review
Aw poor Albus! I feel so bad for him! He feels so alone and thinks that nobody could possibly love him. I do wonder what happend that caused this whole thing between him, Fred, and Fred's girl. It sounds like she used to be Albus' so some how she ended up ditching him or Al ditching her so that she could be with Fred.
It's got to be hard to think that everyone has sided with Fred including the rest of their family, but I can imagine that in a huge family having two people like the same person could happen. I think that you have a very interesting and original idea going here. I like that life isn't looking so great for Albus right now and he is dealing with real life issues and not just everything is wonderful for him and his family since Voldemort is gone. I love the inclusion of Hannah in this, its just nice to see other minor characters being thrown in and mentioned!
I also like the relationship between the siblings. It seems like Lily and Albus are pretty close and that James really does try to help Albus but either his advice is a bit off or Albus doesn't want to be taking advice from his older brother. I'm excited to see more about the family dynamic. So far you have it so that Albus says that everyone has taken Freds side but I haven't really seen that so much. I mean I could catch a bit from Harry talking with Fred and can see how Al would feel betrayed that way. Great Job! I very much enjoyed this chapter and can't wait to see where it goes next and just how being back at Hogwarts will treat Al.
this is my 1000th review!Author's Response: Yep poor Albus, he just really needs a hug, if he liked anyone coming near him that is. But he does feel really alone, and it's mainly Leanne's fault sadly.
And yes you're right she did used to be Albus's girlfriend, but she left him, which you'll see soon enough.
The family are only seeming to side with Fred because not all of them know that Freds Leanne was Albus's Leanne. Albus is a very secretive person and doesn't like letting other people know things about him, he finds it hard to open up, so not even his family had ever met Leanne when she was going out with Albus.
Thank you for saying that my idea is original and interesting. I wanted to show that it's not always good having such a big family and that they're not all happy and cheery all the time.
Albus and James have a bit of a strained relationship, James tries to help but Albus doesn't want to listen to him. Whereas he would do anything for Lily, she's his favourite family member.
Albus sadly only see's them talking to her and he immediately assumes that they're taking Fred's side, but he hasn't told them why he's hating Fred at the moment and the situation, so sadly that's kinda his fault.
Thank you so much for your amazing review! I'm hoping to write the next chapter soon.
Oh wow! Congratulations on your 1000th review! I'm so honoured that it's on my story :D Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection