Ah, the imagery, the poetry, the grace! So lovely.
Ariana's not the most popular canon character, and one of of the tougher ones, I'd say. Her backstory, the trauma, her life after the incident make her one complicated girl to write about. It takes guts to attempt anything of the sort, and guts is one thing I admire in authors above all.
So, ten/ten for imagery and emotion, a gold star for an unorthodox and daring subject and good luck with all your projects -) Report Review
First of all, Quantum Decadence! Best title ever.
Secondly, I liked this chapter. It seems like a good, strong opening. I like the vague references to a 'dimly lit cell' - very intriguing, indeed. I, for one, am dying to know what happened to sweet little Rose and how did she end up imprisoned. Well, at least, I assume that she's imprisoned; I have a feeling, that this heroine of yours knows a thing or two about unreliable narration -)
The only problem I had with the story is characterization. Hermione seems a bit out of character, what with all that talk about angels and babies; also, at some point you take pains to describe the colour of Al's eyes and hair with no particular reason in mind - or so it seems to me.
The suspense is great, though, and the story has loads of potential. Best of luck with the upcoming chapters and Happy Holidays!Author's Response: Quantum Decadence- you couldn't guess how long it took me to come up with that. :P
Thank you! :) I'm glad you found it mostly good. Exactly. Where is Rose and why is she there? Hm...well, I'm not going to tell you, am I? :P I wouldn't actually call Rose 'sweet'. Even when she was young she was a little erm...disdainful of others, especially her cousins. (I tried to show that subtly; dunno if it worked)
Ah...characterisation. I'll admit, it is not my strong point. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm rubbish at canon characterisations. :P However, in this, case I'm willing to defend myself. I think the main reason you found Hermione OOC was because I didn't give her much of her personality- it was flat. For instance, if I had written Ginny instead of Hermione with the same dialogues, it wouldn't have been a glaring OOCness either. The character was rather two-dimensional. Right? Well, I didn't want to delve more into her character as this story is not about her, but I'd love to improve. I wish you'd have told me how /exactly/ she was OOC, because I for one, have never had a birds and bees 'talk' with my parents- and I didn't really have a memory or experience to base this chapter on.
Thank you for your honest opinions; it really does help an author! Thank you for reading and reviewing! :D Report Review
First off all - "...technically her real name was Shelly, but, quite frankly it amounted to the same thing." Good one -) Then again, pretty much every Archibald's line is laugh out loud hilarious.
Also, I like the way you direct your cast. (Well, I should've said, work with your characters, but I feel like I watch the story rather than read it; some kind of sitcom vibe going on there, if that makes any sense.) Every single student gets a bit of a backstory, a distinct personality and a witty line or two; besides, great job with character dynamics.
Good luck with the story -)Author's Response: Archibald might be becoming one of my favourite characters I've written of all time... yeah, he's definately close. I love writing him, its so easy and beautiful.
Thank you very much! Thats kind of funky: I'm a strange person who can't visualise things... I mean, I can't see pictures in my head at all so the whole watching thing is really intersting. Borris, Spencer, Shelly, Dom, Gina and Fred are very greatful :)
-AC Report Review
First of all, centimeters, huh? Secondly, I like the way you wrote Bella. No, scratch that, I love it.
Bellatrix isn't that challenging as an adult; but a child? That requires subtlety, creativity and lots of hard thinking. She's not evil yet, but there're certain mean undertones to her personality; she has two younger sisters she's fond of; she's only just discovering what it means to do magic. That's a tough picture to paint, and you did well!
The one thing you might want to fix, though, is the chapter title; there should be a comma after the word 'prologue'. It's a little thing, but I do believe, that chapter headings have to look neat.
All in all, I think it's a lovely opening! Good luck with the story -)Author's Response: Aww, thanks! It was quite hard to get the beginning right - working out what activities a seven year old magical child would do when left on their own in a house? How would they act? - but once that was done, it got a bit easier.
I've read some fics where Bellatrix is using the Unforgiveables when she's thirteen and things, and I definitely wanted to stay away from that, because I just don't think that would happen, you know?
I wondered if there should be... I think if I fixed it, though, I'd have to re-submit the whole chapter, and I've got a lot of stuff I need to put into the queue - but if there's a pause in my queue for the queue, I'll do it for sure!
Thanks for the lovely review!
Aph xx Report Review
First of all, Robert Downey Jr.! Secondly, your characterization is awesome.
I love the characters grown up, complex and with a bit of good old attitude, so, after spending some time in Archibald Penrose's company, I feel like adding him as a friend on Facebook. I like the fact that he's a bit embarrassed by his affection for all things Muggle; I like it that he's not one of those Teacher of the Year types; I like it that he's quite aware of his misgivings and doesn't find his job all that satisfying. Internal conflict! Well done, indeed -)
Also, your sense of humour is quite remarkable. All those names and the utterly ridiculous discussion of Muggle devices had me laughing so hard, I think I woke up my neighbors' baby. (Sorry, kiddo, didn't mean to do that.)
As for the problems, well, let's see. I'm not quite happy with 'when they were not-quite-children and instead on the verge of being introduced to their own hormones, the opposite sex, ache and such things...'; the way you connect the two ideas doesn't sit well with me for some reason. Also, "...Archibald Penrose was one such muggle nut but even he found the level..." - missing comma after the word 'nut', no? I must admit, after that I didn't pay much attention to detail, because the story was so good -)
Good luck and Happy Holidays!Author's Response: ROBERY DOWNEY JR.!
Aha, you don't know how tempted I am to make an 'Archibald Penrose' on facebook now just to take you up on that - but I'll resist that. I should probably go concentrate on my exams or sometihng. Yeah. Ahem.
He sort of loves muggles but knows his love of muggles is a bit lame - hence his tangeled inner conflict. Oh, yeah - I went there.
Oh, my bad... theres a typo in there anyway which I need to go back and correct. BUt thanks, I'll go back and get editing soon (I'm terrible for not editting).
Thank you! And happy holidays :D
-AC Report Review
Well, first of all, thanks for the welcome to the Ravenclaw Common Room! That was very, very nice of you) Secondly, the story is wonderful, great job!
The weird thing is, it doesn't even feel like an AU. It feels like an early draft for the actual chapter of the actual Chamber of Secrets. (I keep picturing JKR reading it through: Good, good... I like this bit about the plug, good... Wait a second, FLYING CAR?!)
I must admit, I had a bit of a problem with Mr. Weasley's reaction when he notices the bars on Harry's window. I know, I know, they all follow Dumbledore's orders, and it all kind of makes sense, but this whole child abuse thing never sat well with me. When Ron's Dad saw Harry's window and was, like, "Bars, huh? Imagine that." I just... Oh, never mind, it has nothing to do with your writing anyway, just a little personal thing.
Your writing, as I said (or did I?), was very good indeed. I loved the story, and I'm definitely going to check out that podcast now) Good luck and Happy Holidays!Author's Response: Not a problem -- always willing to extend a hand of friendship, if I can. :) Thanks for popping by and checking this out!
I tried integrating this story into canon as much as possible, since it was written for a alternate moments-type challenge and I wanted it to read as though everything from canon was exactly the same except this one bit. I'm glad you seemed to think so!
As for Mr. Weasley's reaction, I do write that he is shocked -- it's a sort of stunned-into-silence thing, that he can't believe anyone would do that to a twelve-year-old. Trust me, mild child abuse does not sit well with him at all.
Thanks for the review! Report Review
Oh my, it's just too good to be true)
Harry and Draco, meet your fans! And a drunk Professor Slughorn! That's the story I'm definitely going to follow.
There were some minor punctuation issues in the chapter, but that's an easy fix. The important thing is, you have a great opening, and it has tons of potential. Good job!Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review! I had Giola beta the story, but I haven't gotten to editing it yet. I have another story in the queue, but I will get to it! Report Review
A good one! Very cunning, indeed)
I love stories dealing with the Battle of Hogwarts aftermath. There's grief, there's loss, there's hope, there's joy, there're celebrations and there're funerals. Not an easy thing to write, to be sure, and you did well!
I like the way your heroine deals with the whole thing. It sounds right, that's exactly what girls do when they want to turn a leaf. I like the character dynamics; you might not name the names, but the people in the story are recognizable and in character.
The only problem I can see is word choice in the first paragraph. There's just too much hair, don't you think? Then again, finding synonyms for the word is tough, and it's not that big of a deal. Also, 'imperfect flaws'. I mean, is there any other kind?
That said, I find it truly amazing that you can tell a real story in 800 words, and do it so well. Best of luck with your projects and keep up the good work!Author's Response: Thanks :) so do I! I always read them, it shows that the characters (if written right) are still, well, human, like everyone else :)
Thanks for your advice, when I edit it, i'll keep that in mind :D Thanks for the review!
Jaz, x Report Review
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