Reading Reviews From Member: Moonyxluna
558 Reviews Found

Review #1, by MoonyxlunaMonster: Monster

29th October 2014:
Hi AD I'm here with your requested review!

I really love the voice that you give each one of the ages here. The last line on each one of the parts really defines that age so perfectly. I particularly loved the one at the teenage, how even in their own head they just have this internal monologue of self-awareness.

The horror theme of this was lovely. The whole time reading it, it felt like there was something constantly sitting behind the narrator's back that was terrifying them. Great work on that part!

Until.. you know.. that actually happens :D Definitely terrifying!

I'm a little bit on the fence about the cc I'd like to give, so forgive the ramble that probably won't end up making sense. :p I'd really love to see a touch more in each section, but at the same time I really like how 'to the point' this becomes. So if this was something that you're looking to expand on, I'd like to see a little bit more detail about some of the feelings she's having. (I hope this makes sense.. a little. heh.)

I loved the shift of the story/theme with the last line, how she immediately grasps becoming a vampire, and doesn't go through a grief process.

This was a fantastic, suspenseful piece, great work on it!


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Review #2, by MoonyxlunaThrough the Black: Headaches

29th October 2014:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review for chapter two!

So first off, going off of your response from last chapter's review. (Why I absolutely love when people reply back to my reviews :D heh) I was kind of thinking about how you mentioned you didn't want to really have Lily in the story. I don't really think that's a bad thing, but I'm not necessarily a fan of that meaning that they don't like eachother? If that makes sense. I'm much more for them just being casual classmates where they acknowledge eachother's existence, and that's it. Though, it's your choice. ;)

I love Julianne's characterization. I think I said this in the last review but I really love how everything about her is shown to me, that you don't spend any time sitting and telling me little things, that I'm just learning about her as I read the story. I like the little bit more on Ivory here too, how she seems to be a little bit more bookish, but that they still get along and are friends.

As we make our way through the next few chapters, I'd like to see a tiny (really, I do mean tiny, as you've got a fantastic start here) bit more characterization wise on some of her other friends. Chalk this down to me being exceptionally interested, but I would really love to see some more from all of these wonderful characters!

Heh. It's got to be a bit of a thing for Hogwarts students to actually see someone injured. I can definitely see where her annoyance is coming from by everyone asking her if she is okay! (and also adding to her characterization)

Aw, Cameron was so awkward and adorable. And I love how immediately defensive Julianne gets, and how it turns out that her friends were just teasing her. They (Ivory and Julianne) have a very lovely friendship dynamic.

I love love love that you have your characters in ACTUAL classes, and you're actually making an effort to write lessons. It makes me so happy to see that. And tackling a subject like Arithmancy! Love it.

While I'm at it with the gushing compliments, I really like the setup you have - intertwined in Julianne's personality - that she seems like she has some troubles dealing with Anxiety about getting all of her classwork done. She seems like she masks it a little bit with a snarky attitude, but it's been a bit of a theme in her internal monologue that she's worrying about her paperwork. It really gives her a realistic quality that makes me really love her character. I'm really looking forward to seeing how you're going to explore this quality in the upcoming chapters.

"Thank fast," a voice said from in front of her -- supposed to say "think fast" I believe, if/when you edit. This was one of the only things I noticed mistake wise; everything else flowed really smoothly, reading wise.

Dialogue/prose flow wise, I don't think you have anything to worry about. I'm really enjoying the abundance of classes you're putting them in, and all of the tiny sub-plots going on. I really loved James in that part, giving her the advice about looking at transfiguration differently. It definitely intertwines with the summary of the story about not just Ravenclaws being smart!

Pacing wise, I do find myself, now that we're in chapter two, looking for a little bit of the major plot. I think it added to it a bit with the mentions of the death eaters and the upcoming war and all of that general marauders jazz, but I'm still finding myself looking for this specific story's general antagonist. Now that we've established some of the characters and gotten a good feel for them, I'm looking for the central motivation of the story. (I hope this makes sense!)

Going off of what I mentioned at the top of this review, I find it interesting that Julianne immediately defended James concerning his feelings towards Lily. It's another lovely characteristic about her that, her personal feelings towards Lily aside, that she can see past that enough to still defend her friend.

Okay, at the end! I am enjoying this story so much and I'm so happy you requested it so I found it. Please, please request for the next chapter when you get it all written and posted! I really love what you have started here and am excited to see what's going to happen next!


Author's Response: Oh, wow, this is such a fantastic review!

Starting off with Julianne and Lily, at one point during the brainstorming process, they were really close friends and then somehow it changed to Julianne and James having that almost brother/sister relationship. So I definitely see where you're coming from, I think I mention a bit more back story between them in chapter three very briefly, but I definitely change it up a bit in later chapters, adding in more Lily the more time she spends with the Marauders and my hope is that it becomes more apparent that Julianne being friends with James puts her Lily off a bit too. But that relationship is definitely a work in progress, so thank you for your input on it!

I'm so glad that you like the characterization so far! I always get nervous about how people perceive my characters, so I'm glad that I'm doing it right and they read how I pictured them in my head! And there is more elaboration coming for Nettie and Kassie down the road for sure!

Plot wise, yeah, I agree, it has been really slow and that is more than likely because I felt like I needed to set everything up first. But I did sit down and plan out a pretty good list of plot points to use, so hopefully that changes in later chapters. And I sort of see this as a coming-of-age story, so there's not one specific antagonist that you can point to and say "He's the bad guy," but there are definitely future plot points that should add a but of conflict to the story.

Like I said before, this was such a fantastic review and I don't think I've stopped smiling since I read it. I'm so glad that you enjoy the story so much, it really gives me the motivation to keep going! I will definitely be back as soon as the next chapter is validated! Thank you so much!

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Review #3, by Moonyxlunaonce upon a fairytale: The Werewolf

29th October 2014:
Hey Isobel!

This looked WAY too cute to pass up, and then you just topped it off with being wolfstar that I had to come check it out :)

Oh god, I love love love the way you connected the first book with the part about the Dursleys being the 'perfectly normal in ever way' and made the town like that. Cute cute!

Even though it's a (wonderful, adorable, brilliant) AU, I still love that you have Remus holding on to that characterization that he just wants to fit in and be normal. Maybe a handsome prince will show him that there's more to life than fitting in? Don't mind me as I casually stalk this story for an update :D

I am absolutely in love with the style of this story. I love hint of snark in the narrator's voice, and how it feels like this could be a story passed on for ages.

Oh gosh, your author's note just made this SO much better, the thought of it being narrated by JamesII.

This was wonderful. My heart is a melted puddle on the floor. I have no idea what I'm going to do when Sirius makes his noble appearance in the next chapter. And when they meet? I will die. I loved it so much, and I cannot wait to read more of this. Keep up the wonderful work!


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Review #4, by MoonyxlunaYour Life, Your Love: Sink or Swim

28th October 2014:
Hey Joey! Here with your requested review!

But how do I even start reviewing this!? You take their story and put such a poetic flow to it that it gives this wonderful vision of their whole life, all wrapped up in 800 words.

Your word dictation is flawless. Every sentence flowed so perfectly through their story; this was so absolutley wonderful I just want to sit and read it again.

I love the characterization we get of Albus here. He seems so humble, just talking about how Destiny came in and took over his heart and his life, and how perfectly okay he was with that.

I have absolutley no CC for you. (I looked.) Really, this was lovely.

(Ah this review is so short.) I wish I could be of more help to you, but honestly this was so wonderful. Thanks for requesting it, and keep up the brilliant work!


Author's Response: Hi Julie!

I'm so happy that you liked this so much! I was writing the intro paragraph to this story and I just got kind of caught up in it and it started writing a lot like poetry. And then I was like, OH WELL HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE A POET ANYWAY. It's MicroFiction, so I decided that I'd briefly visit each of the important times in their relationship, in order to use the brevity as an actual device.

I'm so excited that the diction was good because I wrote this all the way through and didn't really make any big changes looking back over it. These are basically the first words that came to mind. The flow is extremely important to this because I added in a whole lotta meter. I wanted it to have a slight rhythm and I also may have added in a few instances of rhyme by accident as well.

I would definitely say that Albus was humbled by Destiny. I'm glad that the relationship was portrayed well since that makes the ending hold a bit more resonance.

I love no CC haha. You've given me a lot more confidence in this story. Thank you for this wonderful review!

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Review #5, by MoonyxlunaVelvet Hands: Velvet Hands

27th October 2014:
ANDY! Even though you are on the OTHER TEAM in the common room, *shifty eyes* I still couldn't resist coming and reading what you wrote!

The sky is ripped open and rain is pouring from the gash with the force of arrows meant to kill. -- can I just gush for a second about how much I LOVE THIS SENTENCE!? Holy amazing imagery. Your writing is always so well put together, I can't help but instantly fall into the story.

I love your take on The Fat Friar. He's so polite and kind towards Rosmerta, and seems to be concerned about her, and wanting to help her find her niece. Your characterizations are flawless.

I haven't read too many non-linear fics, but I'm very interested in Mina, and what kinds of developing feelings are happening between her and Rosmerta. I love how you so very subtly hint at the way she makes Rosmerta feel, and maybe think twice about her. It's not too much at once, and gives just the right level of emotion.

AH I just love him. Every sentence he says is just SO exactly something that I'd picture him saying, it's just giving SUCH wonderful characterization to him. (Excuse my excessive use of capital letters. I am in love with this and I'm a third of the way through.)

I absolutely adore the the section of Mina's travels, and the phrase 'a patchwork person' - it really resonated with me and created such a lovely characterization and description of her. You're building such a lovely something between them. And the kiss! I love that you made it a little bit of a cultural thing for Mina, but it became so instantly meaningful all over again when she explained her reasoning.

OH GOD are you trying to break my heart!? WHYY? I was sitting here laughing and listening to the Friar's story about scaring kids, and laughing about 'Megan and Gary', and then you just completely drop that bomb of the fact that he can't remember his little sister's name after all the years. HEARTBROKEN, ANDY!

And, we get to the big reveal, of sorts. I had my suspicions going in that Mina wasn't alive anymore in the present day part of the story, but it's quite an interesting twist that she brought Vera with her, and now she's gone with just Rosemerta to look after her.

You write the feeling that death leaves in the people around it so beautifully. Your descriptions are absolutely amazing and they are such a pleasure to read. You should be so very, very proud of this. It was such a joy to read. I laughed and wanted to cry all in one story.

I really cannot wait to read more from you! I'll talk to you soon!


Author's Response: Julie! I wanted to reply to your review the minute I read it but my laptop's internet connection was broken and I cannot type on my cellphone for the life of me. But here I am now!

Hahah, this introduction makes me laugh every time I read it (*shifty eyes* :D). But I am SO happy you decided to read this fic, even though we are, technically speaking, mortal enemies. :P

About your review! Here's the thing. The story was in the queue for about 10 days and when it was validated, I decided to re-read it, just to refresh my memory. And I didn't like what I'd read, at all. All I could see were mistakes, bland language and the initial idea being badly executed... I honestly thought about deleting it from the archives. (I'm sure I'm not the only one who gets self-conscious about their writing!)

The next morning, I clicked on my hpff account, expecting nothing... and there it was! The most amazing review! Every review I received so far made me very happy but this one really made me change the way I feel about my own writing. Seriously, if someone had walked in when I was reading it, I would probably have to say that something fell into my eye. I was truly touched. THANK YOU. Seriously, thank you.

Now onto the response. :)

I love it when readers quote the sentences they liked in the story! And I'm so happy you chose that one! I'm still a bit shy with using descriptive language so it was really great to see such a positive reaction to it. And I know you said in your first review (on my ScoRose) how you liked my writing style but the part about my writing always being put together was kind of a shock! This whole review has so many compliments, I'm a bit overwhelmed. I'm just so grateful you even bothered reading this, let alone saying so many lovely things about it! :)

The Friar! I'm glad you liked my portrayal of him! I had such a great time writing him. And here you go again with another HUGE compliment and here I go again with not knowing what to say! Except that I don't mind capital letters at all! :D

You know, 'so very subtly' is exactly what I was aiming for. I didn't want to make their relationship anything dramatic or god-forbid 'love at first sight' but just something that evolved from mutual comfort and some sort of natural understanding. And Mina's stories! The paragraph about Mina and her sister eating figs was the first paragraph I'd written for the story and I think Mina's entire character kind of sprang up from that one scene.

OK, so I'm kind of proud of the patchwork person bit - it's actually my favourite sentence in this story. I'm just so happy you pointed it out! :D

I'm sorry about the little sister! But I'm glad you had such a strong reaction to that part! Hahah, authors are mean people. But really, it's such a crucial part of the plot so I can't help but feel good about your reaction. =) And Megan and Gary, yay, that part was fun to write!

The last third of the story was my main concern because it involves death and that is not something I saw myself writing about. I tried avoiding it but I just couldn't think of a plausible way for Mina to leave Rosmerta, not with the strain in the relationship she had with her family. And I imagined the two of them being in love so that was another reason Mina wouldn't leave her just like that. I am just SO relieved you thought I did a good job with it. And the fact that you were suspicious of it was great to hear! It definitely wasn't meant to be a huge surprise, more like a final confirmation.

Oh, Julie, this last paragraph. You are so encouraging and kind and you really made me appreciate this story more. Thank you so much again; this review didn't just made my day, it made my entire week! :)


P.S. Sorry this was so unbelievably long!

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Review #6, by MoonyxlunaWhere I Belong: Next to You

27th October 2014:
Review Tag!

Woo another slash challenge entry! I've sort of made it a mini goal to read all of the entries, so I had to snag this opportunity.

Aw, Theodore, hasn't anyone ever told you you shouldn't walk away angry? I love the feelings you establish right away, how he knows he was in the wrong and he's just letting it bother him because all he wants to do is go home and apologize. Cute!

I don't really think you need to label flashbacks. I kind of get why you did it, but if anything it's a little bit more distracting than it would be to just have the text in italics. Something to think about formatting wise if you edit!

I do like them, though. Saying something so final like threatening a breakup over a dish has to just eat away at him a little bit, and it's nice to sort of see the whole story intertwined together.

You really get a good sense of Theo's feelings when we get to the flashback from Hogwarts. It's kind of heartbreaking and sweet that William is so above his league that Theodore thinks it's a joke. Cute to see his little crush poking through.

AWW THAT KISS! So cute. I love love love how it completely met Theodore's expectations and still managed to blow him away at the same time.

I love how you ended things with the make up scene. It was, along with the rest of this fic, all so emotional and just a really cute look into Theodore and William's relationship. Lovely work on this!


Author's Response: Hey Julie,

Thank you for the lovely review from review tag. I'm glad you like it!

I was trying to make the argument about quite a trivial topic, although I was worried that maybe I went a little overboard. I'm not very good at the fluff side of romance and I know that I don't describe the kiss for long at all so I'm super happy that you liked it!

Just to let you know I have sent an edit off without the flashback labels. Thanks for the advice. :)

Thanks again.


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Review #7, by Moonyxlunanotes on freefalling.: sunbeams

25th October 2014:
Hey Maia!

When I heard Astoria/Parvati I had to check this out. It's been open on my tabs for like a week now (boo work).

God, the pretty girl always finds you at your worst moment, doesn't she? I love how you set the two up, creating the tiny bit of a feelings pedestal that Astoria puts Pavarti on. You really create some wonderful characterization for Astoria right in that first moment. Also, nice touch with the baby waking up as soon as she talks :p

Really little touch, but I love that you have Lavender standing tall after her war experience. In my own head (other than fiercely defending her) I always think of that as a moment in her life that really helped define herself. I loved seeing that play out here.

I love the theme in the second part how they're sort of getting back to normal. Astoria perfectly points out how petty it is to be bickering about little things now that they're back and trying to bring things to a 'normal'; when really school is going to be a bit like that, and that can be their normal. Still, cute little bonding with Parvati.

You set up some lovely contrasts between Astoria and Draco's failing marriage and the tensions between Parvati and her. You're definitely convincing me of this ship! Aww, and cute little jealousy/relief when Parvati talks about Lavender being married. I love the little relief she feels.

Even with the style of the story being in littler parts, I still wanted to shout 'finally!' when they got their act together.. the buildup was fantastic, and the emotion in when they're in bed together after was so beautifully written. You knew it all had to come out eventually, and I love how Parvati sort of instantly becomes her rock.

Let me just gush a little bit about the symbolism with the yellow walls before I run off! Very cute. This was all so lovely and you've definitely made a shipper out of me! Such a joy to read.


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Review #8, by MoonyxlunaThe Fates Design: Return to Hogwarts

23rd October 2014:
Hey Jenn! Here with your requested review! I'm super excited to see what you've come up with.

Aw, Lily's got a little crush. I'm wondering what you plan on doing with this. Right now it seems like she sort of just has an infatuation with him, so I'm interested to see how you plan on developing her/them in the future chapters.

I really like Lily's characterization so far. She's a little sister but she definitely seems like she has a little bit of fire right in the beginning. The only thing I'm a bit wary of is the part about Rose being the typical "Head-Girl-super-smart-perfect-boyfriend" - it tends to be something that people characterize Rose under because of Hermione, so just keep it in mind to still make her her own person. Albus was very funny, too.

There were a few missing punctuation marks and I saw a couple of awkward sentences. It was definitely nothing that took away from the flow in that aspect, but if you edit take another look at those. Otherwise the overall flow of this introduction seemed to work very well!

I'm really interested in what the summary said about 'fates'. I'm wondering if you meant it to be a turn of words, or if you're going to be divulging into the idea of Fates from mythology a little bit. I think that'd be really neat to explore!

Albus! What an awful big brother, going through all of her stuff. haha. I'm looking forward to seeing more of him tormenting her through the story.

Before I say this next bit, I want you to know that I mean it in an absolute good way and this is not a bad thing. Lily seems a little childish here, with the snorting at what Rose was saying at breakfast and giving sneering looks towards the couple. It definitely gives her character more of a realistic vibe, because sometimes you just need to be hurt about those feelings, and you don't act them out in the best way. It sets up the opportunity for some character development with her, to see how she's going to deal with things in the future chapters and life.

So we have that little bit at the end where Scorpius is suddenly angry, and he's with another girl from Slytherin. I really think you've got an interesting introduction here! There wasn't too much that actually happened, but you did a wonderful job introducing everyone and setting up some feelings early on. Very enjoyable! I do hope you plan on continuing this soon. Let me know when the next chapter is posted!

Talk to you soon!

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Review #9, by MoonyxlunaThrough the Black: Trying to get Ahead

23rd October 2014:
Hi I'm here with your requested review!

Right off the bat we get a really wonderful introduction of Julianne. I really enjoyed that you didn't sit and tell me that she wasn't exactly a star pupil, that we just see her sighing and rolling her eyes at Professor McGonnagal. Who, I should add, has very well-characterized dialogue that I enjoyed.

I also particularly enjoyed that James and 'the gang' weren't super constantly riled up. I liked that he and Sirius were some of the first ones in the class to figure out the spell, and it seemed like - except for the comment towards Julianne - they were either paying attention or actually gifted in Transfiguration.

Behind her, James and Sirius, who was sitting next to him, started snickering. - with the comma placement in this sentence it reads really awkwardly. I'd suggest changing them around or putting hyphens to look like this: Behind her, James and Sirius - who was sitting next to him - started snickering.

Dialogue, dialogue. I actually didn't have any problems reading through the Dialogue here. I actually think your spoken parts flowed really well. If there was anything I could comment on (and this truthfully is me stretching since you wanted it mentioned) I'd like a little bit more parts in the prose: talking about what they're doing and to get a little bit more of Julianne's point of view during some of the lulls in conversation. Again though, stretching :p I think your writing really flows wonderfully.

I really like how you set up the friendship between Sirius and Julianne. I didn't get too many romantic vibes from them at this moment, but I always like seeing the friendships build up first anyway. I also like that it's already established here, as if we're just entering her life on a normal day at Hogwarts.

At the first time jump I'd like to see a little bit more of a transition sentence. We end off with Julianne and Sirius settling down to study, and then there is the jump, and she's just studying with Ivory and Kassie. Even just something little like "Later that afternoon..." or "Sirius eventually left, and..." just something to indicate where they are at the moment and what's happened.

Hmm.. little bit of tension between Lily and Julianne, hey? I'm wondering what happened between the two because it seems like Lily is perfectly fine towards Ivory and Kassie. Either way Julianne doesn't seem like it bothers her too much.

Quidditch! I absolutely loved the Quidditch. It was fast paced and interesting, seeing the team get all put together. And what an ending, with a nice old bat to the face. I love that she still manages to put out a snarky reply. :p

I didn't get too much of a main plot here; I got the upcoming OWLS and I'm seeing a little bit of a development with the Lily issue and the Quidditch, but I'll definitely be looking for more of the main one in the upcoming chapters. Feel free to re-request when you get the next chapter posted; I really enjoyed this!


Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to do this!

I've never really used hyphens in my writing, I've always preferred commas, as you can probably tell, but that definitely makes it flow better, you are absolutely right.

The time jump was supposed to be a day or so if I remember correctly, so it's good that you pointed out the confusion, I'll definitely make sure to address that when I get around to editing.

The plot is still a work in progress. It's supposed to end up being a sort of coming-of-age story that covers 5th through 7th year and a bit after, so I have vague plot points, but at this point, it's very relationship heavy.

I definitely didn't think that so many people would be interested in the disagreement between Julianne and Lily haha. It was kind of a cop out so I didn't have to worry about trying to incorporate her into the story as much, but now I'm thinking I need to expand it even more!

Thank you so much for your review! It makes my day to hear that people enjoy what I've written. I'll definitely be stopping by again with future chapters! Thanks again!

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Review #10, by MoonyxlunaHaunted: the grave

23rd October 2014:
Hey Isobel! Here with your requested review for chapter two!

I feel ashamed as a femmeslash enthusiast that I've never heard of or read Daphne/Pansy. What a wonderful and original sub-plot/ship idea.

I really like the style of the alternating point of views that you're writing in, with the first chapter being in second and this one in first. It adds a certain original style to the story that sets it above. It definitely makes me curious for more of what's to come. Though, the plot does that, also, but I'll talk about that next :)

Okay, so we get a set up for the plot here with all of Theo's friends finding his grave. What a horrid, awful way to learn that your friend is dead, just discovering a grave. Along with a hint of mystery, I think that hints a little bit at the plot, as well as the obvious 'dead Theo'. The end, especially, with a little hint that Daphne may know something more about what's going on. It makes me very interested to see what you're planning on doing with this next!

Even with your big cast of Slytherin students I didn't find myself getting lost in the mass of them. Some of the minor Slytherin characters have a lot of opportunity to expand on and I liked the starting little hints of that. I didn't get too much more than introductions characterization-wise, though I think the introduction to the plot had most to do with hindering that. I also liked the hints of the general public's reactions to Slytherins after they 'lost' the war. It's an interesting thing to think about!

I don't ever necessarily like to harp on people for chapter length because it's such an author/story interpretative thing, but I definitely found myself wanting to know more right away! Feel free to re-request for chapter three!


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Review #11, by MoonyxlunaCount Me In: To Die By Your Side: Spring

22nd October 2014:
Hi, thanks so much for swapping with me!

Your descriptions of Spring in the opening paragraph are really lovely. It really sets up the scenery for being outside Hogwarts, and opens up the story very nicely.

I really like the characterizations of both girls in this introduction. I really get an individual sense of character for each of them, and I like how their personalities play off of each other with the bit of banter about studying 'priorities'. I really liked Ava's voice as the narrator through the whole chapter.

I'm sort of interested in the inscription in the Charms book, I'm going to keep that in the back of my head and see if it comes up in the future :D

Uh oh, a little bit of rivalry coming between Angelina and Gemma. heh, I love the trope when the character so adamantly refuses the feelings they have; it makes for such fun to put a little bit of strain on their 'not-feelings'. I find it interesting coming from Ava's perspective if Gemma is supposed to be the more free spirited one, how she's going to notice the 'not-feelings' play out in the change in her friend's mannerisms.

This totally may just be me being a femmeslash nut (and I'll totally understand if it is), but I think it'd be a really cute sub-plot if Ava had a little crush on Gemma. She kind of had that big paragraph talking about her looks, though :p Or maybe Ava will be jealous of if/when Fred/Gemma happens? Maybe George'll be available :p

I think it's an interesting usage of point of view to write this from Ava's perspective, even though you mentioned Gemma in the summary as a main character. It gives us an outsider view on what their (developing) relationship might look like from a third person, and gives us Ava's opinions on it.

Little bit of cc on the part where the twins are introduced. It just reads a little strange when Ava's saying she doesn't recognize who they are, and then the dialogue tag is "one voice said", followed by her being able to see the smile before she recognizes it. Maybe just reword that part to make the recognition flow a little smoother. Otherwise I haven't really noticed anything else. There was one or two tiny, nit-picky stuff, but there was nothing really consistently wrong, and it made the flow of reading go very nice!

Overall this was a really lovely start to your story! I love the Ava perspective a lot. I'm going to favorite this; I'd love to read more from this when you get it posted!

Thanks again for the swap!


Author's Response: Thank you so much for leaving such a wonderful review! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I kind of have a thing for describing seasons and outdoor settings...I have no idea why. I guess I just like how it sets the scene, because almost everything I write ends up talking about the season!

Thanks for commenting on the characterization - that was the main purpose of this first chapter. I kind of wanted to get it out of the way, because I have so much planned, and their personalities are important to the story. The perspective is a little tricky though - while it does seem like it's from Ava's perspective, it is really 3rd person limited, meaning you don't know everyone's thoughts, only select ones. That means it's subject to change between characters, so I wouldn't get too attached. Ava will be a primary source of perspective in the story, but there will be times when she isn't there to see what's happening.

I can't tell if the inscription is important or not...mostly because I haven't decided, lol.

I haven't really thought about Ava/Gemma as a subplot. It could work itself in though, who knows. I don't really map out my stories in stone, so we'll see! Jealousy, probably. These are two teenage girls, lol.

My choice of POV is to provide a broader perspective on what is going on with the characters. Like I said before, it won't be Ava all the time, but I'm glad you appreciate it.

Ah, yes - I was hoping someone would help me out on that. I knew it was awkward but I couldn't put my finger on what exactly, so thank you! I'll be making the edit.

Wow, a favorite! Thank you so much!

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Review #12, by MoonyxlunaEfflorescence : The 1st of September

17th October 2014:
Hi I'm here with your requested review!

First things first, I think you should edit your authors note in the beginning of the chapter. Take out the part where you 'warn' the reader that the first chapter is going to be boring. It's very off putting and pushes readers away. Have confidence in your writing (or pretend :p ) and let the reader come to their own opinions. It's sort of the same thing as putting in a summary "This sucks but read it anyway."

Pet peeve of mine, but the apostrophes instead of quotation marks are distracting.

Charlie is kind of adorable. (by kind of I mean absolutely) I like how you establish her family with the busy preparations for Hogwarts, with Charlie just buzzing with excitement. cute.

This would probably benefit from a beta read over. Keeping things like, whether you write out numbers for times, and six am in the morning - (you wouldn't need 'in the morning') consistent helps the reader, and sometimes it just helps to have a second pair of eyes. Otherwise, try reading your sentences aloud to yourself to pick out some of the things like that.

Their family is very fun. I liked the little details about how their family came to be. I sort of have a little love for wizards falling in love with Muggles, and it was a cute little back story.

Tiny thing on formatting, a lot of your paragraphs have different amount of spaces; sometimes there's not a space between them, and sometimes there's two or three. Some of the word processors (like Microsoft Word, for example) on computers add in extra, hidden formatting when you write. if you double space your paragraphs and then use the 'paste as plain text' button, that clears that up and makes it consistent, and easier on the reader. (you have to add in italics and things like that, but it's worth it)

NEWT's happen in seventh year in canon, just fyi.

There wasn't much to talk about flow-wise with this being sort of the introduction paragraph; I didn't get too much personality characterization on Ellie, more of just her physical description, so I'd like to see more of her personality shining through in upcoming chapters. One thing to work on would be 'showing' instead of 'telling' - like, at the end we (more or less) have just a few paragraphs of her talking about her appearance. You could introduce things like her height, her pale skin, things that may not be that important during a scene, in a place so it doesn't take away from the flow of the whole story.

I wouldn't be too worried about having a slower pace in future chapters. As long as you work on developing a plot, the title of your story sort of gives a lovely promise for a nice slow build theme.

I ended up writing a lot of CC here but I think you've got an interesting start to a fun story. Feel free to PM me on the forums if you want to discuss any of the things I talked about here. Otherwise feel free to re-request for the next chapter!


Author's Response: Hi, thanks for your review.
This chapter's been bugging me quite a bit, so the CC is very welcome, so that I know what to work on!
Also, I think after OWLs in fifth year, sixth years start NEWT classes, but don't do the actual exams until 7th year? Which was why Ellie's doing NEWTs in 6th year.
Anyway, thank you for the helpful review!

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Review #13, by MoonyxlunaWaiting in the Wings: Crash

17th October 2014:
Hey Sam! Here with your review :)

I like Harry's characterization in the beginning. He always seems like he would be more on the introverted side at parties, sort of just taking things in, and I like how you've written that here.

So we establish some of the 'verse facts with Hermione and Ron still being together, and Harry being 'happy to be single' . We didn't get too much of the meaty plot, but the introduction here was very well written, and it was nice to establish some of your original characters that we may be seeing in the upcoming chapters.

"That's been officially jinxed," Toby laughed. -- this sentence of dialogue reads kind of awkward to me. I'm not sure yet if that's just the way Toby talks, but I feel like if you said "You've just jinxed it", or something along those lines it would read a little clearer.

With the summary and the drinking I was almost wondering if you were going to write Harry having a bit of depression, but I like the way (this sounds morbid...) you've brought him into the situation. (I like the way you put him in a coma. jesus I can't win right now.) It sticks with the hero complex that we have for both Harry and Aurors in general.

Overall this was a very enticing prologue and you should definitely re-request for more of this! I'm looking forward to meeting Theo and how you plan on spinning this one!


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Review #14, by MoonyxlunaLike Clockwork: Antiquity

13th October 2014:
Hey Leigh! Here with your requested review!

So I usually review as I read but I kind of just got caught right in this and decided to read all at once. What an interesting plot concept, intertwining the Witch Trials with Harry Potter stuff. Right away from your summary and description to me I was incredibly captivated.

You did mention word choice in your request. Your descriptions are wonderful here, they really bring the situation to life. I, however, noticed a few sentences I think you should take a look at.
Sweat beaded on my forehead-- in this sentence you describe with the word 'sweaty' twice and it is repetitive.

I am really curious about the moment that she saved herself. Is she a Banshee? Because she screamed to save herself? ooh that'd be so fun. (I guess I'll have to see!)

I also really liked the moment when the headmaster told her he was from Hogwarts school of 'Witchcraft' - It was such a neat turning moment and your wrote it very well.. I really enjoyed it, as well as this whole prologue.

We really didn't get too much plot-wise, being a prologue, but this was a very lovely introduction and I am very curious as to what is coming next. Please do re-request when the next chapter is posted!


Author's Response: Hi, Julie!

I'm glad you find this interesting! I love history and am trying my best to intertwine this successfully.

I'll go and fix that sentence! Thank you for pointing it out. :)

You'll just have to wait and see how she saved herself ;) I'm happy to see you're curious though.

Thanks so much for the help and insight!


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Review #15, by MoonyxlunaThe Lost Wolf: A Reminder

12th October 2014:
Hi I'm (finally) here with your requested reivew!

So I'll talk a little bit about each chapters one throught three and leave you the bulk of it on chapter four.

So in chapter one right away we set up a background for Cassandra. Your writing flows beautifully through this chapter. I really got a great sense of her emotions and background story. This was an intense start and it really managed to drag me into her world. I didn't get a lot of her characterization but I think that works with what was going on in the chapter. She seems very strong willed, and sort of heavily morphed by her upbringing, so I'm wondering how that's going to come into place in the next few chapters. The memories were interesting, as well. I'm wondering what/if kind of magical background she is going to have or if it's the wolf (werewolf?) that bit her is causing it. This was a very nice setup.

I noticed one thing in chapter 1:
his time it was Cassandra's turn -- should say "this time"

Chapter two! I found a few spots in chapter two that could use a re-wording. (missed instead of miss, very minor phrasing things.) Still, though, I am always amazed when I read such flawless writing as this and remember that you said your native language isn't English.
So we get introduced to a little bit of the plot setup here; Cassandra has these flashbacks and the names Lupin - which she picked - Black - the sad criminal on the news - and.. eventually Potter :p It makes me very interested to find more about what happened to her real father, and where she's going to end up lining up with the group. At seventeen it's hard very hard to get out on your own, so I'm wondering if/when things are going to line up with the rest of the Wizarding group. Also curious if she's magical!

Chapter three then we get a little bit of Sirius perspective. Your level of interpretation of canon facts with Sirius' escape is fantastic. I felt like it was something that JK had created and written herself. It really lined up beautifully and gave me as the reader a good grasp of where his mindset is, searching for Harry and searching for Cassandra. I'm sitting on the edge now, waiting to figure out who/how Cassandra is related to the bunch. I noticed you spelled Hogwarts as Hogwarst - it happened twice so I thought I'd just point it out.

Alright and at chapter four!

One small thing about formatting for this chapter - I'm not sure how but the font is smaller here than in all of the previous chapters? This, and the amount of space between the paragraphs. Everything was okay in the first three chapters so I'm not sure if those have been edited or what. When you post your chapters it helps if you use the 'Paste As Plain Text' button. You have to edit all of your italics and bolding but it's worth it to avoid the spaces and extra formatting that programs add in.

So fate has brought Sirius and Cassandra together! It was a big moment and said a lot about her strength of character that she continued to help the hurt dog even though she could feel her own wounds open back up.

I really love your characterization of Cassie. She's strong willed, and she's got too much on her plate for such a young girl. It's heartbreaking that she is so torn up about not being able to help the dog out, and that it's just because of the money and not because she doesn't want to by any means.

Padfoot!Sirius is very interesting, as well. I liked the little bit of back story we got with Remus, and the rest of the group. I'm still interested in how Cassie is actually connected to Remus. I'm almost seeing hints of her being a daughter but I guess I'll have to wait and see!

In your request you mentioned descriptions. I think your writing so far has created a great story; one that I am definitely looking forward to reading more of. You have a wonderful set up of the plot, and your descriptions definitely enhance, and don't take away from, that story.

There were only very minor things I noticed reading, editing wise. I pointed some of them out, but most of it is a missing punctuation there, and a misused word here. There was nothing consistently incorrect, which made the flow of reading work very well.

I'm very interested in reading more of this! Feel free to re-request for the next chapters! I'd love to see Padfoot's reaction when he realizes who the girl helping him actually is!


Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for this incredibly detailed and extremely useful review! When I started writing this story I had spent more than a year without speaking or listening to anything in English. I had read a couple of fics, but my English was certainly not so well trained, so I made a huge amount of little but really irritating mistakes. I am grateful for the ones you pointed out, and I'll make sure I'll correct them when I'll finally put the word "end" to this story and start the editing process ("Hogwarts" is my personal damnation. I don't know why I spell it Hogwarst sometimes... It has to do with the fact of being Italian, I guess. We also say Dekstop instead of Desktop. We are awful.).

Regarding the formatting, as you noticed I solved the issue in the first chapters, and you'll see that even the last ones are ok. I will proceed and re-format the few I have left as soon as I can :).

I am so glad you like Cassandra and her character, as well as the other ones. I want to make her as realistic as possible, being this a fantasy story, and I suppose her being a round character will emerge even more in the next updates. Also, I am happy my descriptions entertained you and did not bore you to death! I tend to be a bit obsessive in this aspect, because I want the reader to "see" what happens in the story, as if it was a film.

Thank you again for the review! I will certainly re-request!

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Review #16, by MoonyxlunaCrossing Delicate Boundaries : Positive or Negative

12th October 2014:
Hi I'm here with your requested review!

This is the first Dramione I've read in ages, and the first one I've done a review request for. (I had them as a no-go in my old thread) Yay Milestones! heh.

Jumping right in, we've got Hermione at her and Ron's house waiting on a pregnancy test. She seems very much hoping for a negative (which yay she got!), so I'm curious why she so badly wants it to be negative.. interesting setup :) It's got me guessing right away.

Her narrowed eyes were focused on a -- saying 'her narrowed eyes' reads kind of awkward. Maybe change it to "her eyes narrowed at the potion sitting on the counter. or something.

This could probably go for a tiny punctuation cleanup. There were a few times where there were some extra commas and some commas where the sentence should end.

ooh, we've got some tension buildup if Ginny is hoping for a little one and Hermione isn't. :p It definitely says something about the state of Ron and Hermione's relationship/life together that she is so adamant about not wanting kids.

I'm making a little face to myself because I really easily get defensive of Lavender Brown, especially used as a plot point in breaking up Ron and Hermione. She was painted in the book to be annoying because we read her from Hermione/Harry's point of view, but all she really did was have feelings Ron. I do like here that you don't really have Hermione disliking her so much as just being wary of her and the situation that Ron is putting their relationship in. If Ron does end up ditching Hermione for her, make sure you write it as Ron's fault, not hers. ;)

I always love seeing Ginny and the rest of the Weasley family so confused about Muggle objects. So fun and so cute.

So Ron is very affected by the Malfoy getting out. He obviously gets upset when Hermione sides with giving Malfoy a second chance. I guess it's a little understandable considering what happened to her and how Malfoy acted around her, that Ron's instinct would be to protect her. It's interesting that he goes back to lovey towards her after that moment.

So that brings up characterization. I don't think you have anything to be worried about here. Hermione seemed a little bit on the dramatic side; just a touch.. some of the dialogue with her seemed not quite like what I think she'd say, so maybe watch a little with the way you word the things she says. I really liked Ginny, and Ron from the way he seemed to be very forward about his feelings towards Draco, and then (characterization/writing wise, not actions wise) how he shrank back when the letter came at the end.

We left at a little bit of a cliffhanger with the letter, which sets up quite nicely.

Interesting first chapter! You definitely have a good set up here for some shifting of feelings in upcoming chapters. Great work!


Author's Response: Hey Julie,
I thank you so much for coming by and giving me an amazing review. I am glad you think that I am doing well on characterization! I am glad you liked the chapter as a whole. :)
I will be back to re-request!

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Review #17, by MoonyxlunaMemories: Changes

11th October 2014:
Hey Gabbie here with your requested review :)

Aah, it's so nice to see Fred and George messing with Percy. It never gets old. You write them very fun here, so much like we know them to be in the books, it brings back such fun memories.

You mentioned that you had abandoned this a while back so I'll just kind of point out some little general things that I notice that might help get the story back on track, yeah?

Dialogue tags you'll wanna go over, some capitalization stuff. Probably doing a fresh read-over/edit.

My biggest bit of cc for the first part (quarter?) of the chapter is that it feels like the fun, messing with Percy does drag on a little bit. The twins are a riot and I feel like you write them as they are - which to say is very exasperating towards their mom - but as I'm reading through it I do feel like it is a little bit too much.

All of your characters so far, (the Weasleys) while they stay very close to the book, create a lot of dialogue stuff going on. They sort of adapt this persona of an exaggerated form of their canon selves that's a bit distracting? Like Molly's yelling at the twins, George and Fred are creating chaos, and Percy is complaining.. I'd like to see a little bit more depth from them in the next part.

I do love Angelina. She's just like she was in the books, a little spitfire that doesn't hesitate to put George in his place. She sort of does create that balance for George that I was looking for above.

I think it's interesting that you've set some tension up here with George and Angelina. I'm sort of thinking back to Goblet of Fire, how Fred does eventually ask her to the Yule Ball. I'm wondering if that's going to create some brotherly tension :p

I checked back at the date that you posted this and it was a few years ago. I can definitely tell, from having read some of the things you have written now, where your writing has improved.

Overall the thing I found lacking in this chapter was the actual 'meat' of it. There was a lot of very fun banter between George and Angelina but I felt like the things going on in the background got very lost. I sort of read through and got that they went from talking in the house, to the gnomes/Quidditch, to upstairs, to dinner, but the large amount of banter/prose/tangents(I guess) sort of just made all of those moments blend together. That would be my biggest suggestion, is to not focus so much on getting the next witty line out, and focus more on bringing everything together so it still tells a story. You've got the idea there, what with setting up the night before Harry and Hermione are to arrive/having dinner with F&G's friends; I'd just like to see a little bit more of prose/background description.

That's not to say the banter wasn't fun. You've got a knack for writing those banter filled, 'will they won't they' moments, and they're very entertaining.

I hope this was some help to you! Feel free to PM me if you want to ask about anything I mentioned - if this is something you're thinking about revising, the things I mentioned would be some starting points that I'd suggest.


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Review #18, by MoonyxlunaChai, Samosas, and a Friend in the Wee Hours of the Morning: Chai, Samosas, and a Surprise

10th October 2014:
Hi I'm here with your requested review!

"I-don't-know-how-my-wand-ended-up-in-that-particular-orifice" - oh my god. hahah.

I think you are supposed to capitalize 'Healer', being a job title, the same as you would 'Auror'. Grammatically speaking, it wouldn't be capitalized unless you said 'Healer Abbot' but I think since it's still something JKR invented (like Auror) you would cap it.

I really like how you've set up Hannah getting a job at the leaky cauldron, knowing the information about her and her future with Neville. Cute. And the little touch that she loves to cook from being a Hufflepuff.

head cook who ran the place with a wand in one hand beefy hand -- extra 'hand' there.

Ugh. I so wish I had all of her magical spells when I'm working in the kitchen. Would make life so much easier. Though, I do love that you have her use magic so second-thought like - it brings the magic we know and love from the books back in and it adds a nice touch.

I really thought the scene where Neville first shows up and startles Hannah a little bit; it was so adorable. She's a little shy and he's definitely got that 'grown up since Hogwarts' persona that JKR hinted at in Deathly Hallows.

You set up wonderful chemistry for the pair, to address your request concerns. Rarely readers get to see the before hand, writers a lot of times being focused on getting them together, this was nice to step back and just see the beginnings of something. The cute little banter made the chemistry between them wonderful.

It's funny, I actually had one of my instructors in culinary school (how appropriate, right? heh.) say the very same thing about the 'cooking was easy, just knowing when something was done cooking' - The way you made that comparison turn into something about life (and the theme of the story, with Neville and the possibility of a budding something) was very clever and well turned.

I so rarely read Hannah and Neville, and even though this was a one-shot this is making me want a whole novel about them. Your writing flowed beautifully and this was absolutely a joy to read.


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Review #19, by MoonyxlunaPlum Velvet: Blue Leather

5th October 2014:
Hi I'm here with your review! And yes I would love to read a Scorpius/Albus :D (or kinda Scorpius/Albus? We'll see!)

Right away we establish some - beautifully written - feelings. I'm sort of already in awe at how you string together sentences to make things flow so smoothly.

You did mention commas in your request and I usually end up pointing them out anyway(though I end up being the worst offender sometimes). You are heavy with them here, but I think with the style that you're writing in/the style of the story that some of the ones that I'd normally harp on about work. For example:
It is night, and I am there, again, at the park, notebook on my lap and quill in hand -- I'd normally be saying to get rid of the one after night, after there, and so forth, where I'd want more natural pauses. I think it's really up to your choice with the style of the story what you'd like to do with them.

In your request you mentioned characterization. Right away we get these beautiful, (I feel like I'm going to end up saying beautiful a lot so pretend I use amazing synonyms all through here) strong feelings from Albus towards this mystery man - Hyperion - and how he seems to almost find his muse again after seeing him. It's a lovely thought to be so enthralled by another human.

Such a sweet little touch, adding in how Albus would be thinking James would mock him for being cowardly, and how it almost pushes him to make the first step. Really gives him that little brother feeling about Albus' character that we know of and love. I feel like the phrase the slow, coy smile says so much about Hyperion's characterization in one little spot, I loved that line. As if he's known Albus' feelings and he's got them too.

... hallways until something catches me eye and I read.. -- should say 'my' if/when you edit.

Even through the stylistic writing I still grasp the anxious feeling that Albus has waiting for the letter, and am buzzing along with him to see what's going to happen when he hears word from Scorpius.

That's the most beautiful description of bite marks I've read in my entire life :D. So we've got some strong development of feelings here. It's a lovely telling of how love can creep up on you fast and hard, and when you know you should be scared of the feelings the only thing you do is get yourself in deeper. You had mentioned development of feelings in your request and I think you've got a wonderful telling of a young, fast, hard, and tragic love here that you should be insanely proud of.

It's an interesting plot point - I'm being the over-thinking reader and watching the horror/dark tag on this and getting all nervous. And then with the moment where Albus sort of bares his soul and he promises... I guess I'd better read on!

That ending. Wait wait wait.. so. Okay processing. (reviewing as I go has its flaws in this department)

Is he a vampire? I'm stuck here in a little bit of awe. What a wonderful twist ending. They really will be together forever if he's turned him into a vamp.

And at the end. This story progressed beautifully. We see the whole time that Albus is so enthralled with Hyperion and in the end Hyperion is just enough back that he puts his trust in, enough that he lets this happen. He does struggle so I'm wondering what's going to happen (obviously left to the reader's own mind being a one-shot) when he wakes up to figure things out.

I didn't end up being very helpful to you, but I hope if anything my praise reassures you that this is a beautiful piece that you should be proud of! Brilliant work, thanks for requesting it!


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Review #20, by MoonyxlunaReincarnation: Confusion

5th October 2014:
Chapter six! Oh no, I'm going to have to wait after this! Write faster, Sana! (I should talk. I'm the worst offender.)

I like that you've established Rose's voice versus Rhea's. It makes the writing flow clearer and helps the reader establish which girl is talking.

But it's because of me that you are here right now. -- this is an interesting line and I think it creates a bit of a pivotal point in the plot. Is Rhea only here because of Rose? It leaves me asking what happened to Rose as I have been, but now I've added the question if something happened to Rhea as well. I'm wondering if it has something to do with her father, as she was very unhappy about leaving with him in the previous chapter. hmm!

The feeling of as if she was being pulled by - delete of or as ;)

I just moved, so I wish I had that magical ability. I am still sitting here unpacking. (avoiding unpacking and reading fanfiction. haha) - I like all of the little magical stuff you put in here, from the portkey and the charms. Just remember to capitalize 'Portkey' as it's something that JKR invented.

So, we have the moment with the picture. I'm really liking all of the plot movement here. Freya looking just like her (and with a similar name) - I'm wondering what the back story on the Freya girl is, and how she's related to all of the characters we have here. One tiny thing I noticed in that paragraph is you start out saying Rose had her arms around another blonde, and then you go to say she has her arms around Albus. I'd suggest changing it to talk about how the picture moved and Freya moved to hug Albus, to make it make sense and to bring in some more of that magic.

lol.. Rose very much does not like Scorpius! The struggle between Rhea just being polite to Scorpius and Rose not liking it was fun. Though it's got to be a bit terrifying to be beaten by your own body.

OH god! and we end in a bit of a cliffhanger. Was it Rhea sleepwalking that turned in the information on Scorpius? I wonder if it was Rose controlling her body. Scary. Lovely plot development here. Do re-request when you get the next chapter posted! I'd love to see what happens next!


Author's Response: Haha. But I'm afraid I'm having a wee bit of a writer's block on that one. :( I'll pester you with it as soon as I get it up!

I'm so glad I was able to do that; it is really difficult to write two people as one.

I personally think Rose was exaggerating a bit... :D

I'll delete 'as', kay? Thanks for pointing that out!

Okay, I'll do that too! :D Haha, all the best in that! Sometimes I hope I had magical abilities too, that'll make things a lot easier!

Bring in more magic-check. Kay kay, that'll be done. Thanks for pinting that (I'm saying Thank you a lot today).

I know, Rose really needs to learn some manners.

Yeah I know, CLIFFHANGER! It was my first in this story, so I was a bit nervous to see how that'll work out. Go on thinking Julie, everything (well, most things) will be revealed soon!

I'll be back on your review thread VERY soon!


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Review #21, by MoonyxlunaReincarnation: Memories

3rd October 2014:
Chapter five here we go!

Ooh, a just Rhea point of view, how fun! I like the backstory for her here. Interesting. I remember Rhea talking about her family's back story, so it's neat to see here the coldness that her father has towards her mother, and her mother being saddened by that. It makes me interested to see what happened to cause it!

Watch your dialogue tags ;) There's a topic on the forums that is really helpful about when to use a comma/period and an upper/lower case letters when you're writing sentences that have dialogue in them. (I think it's called something like "everything about dialogue tags")

Wow, what a dramatic exit with the father! He's a wizard so I'm sort of wondering about the mom? Surely if she can provide her daughter happiness and a nice place to live, she shouldn't be taken away. I'm wondering if there's something else that we don't know yet.

Either way, I really liked the Rhea backstory. I'm interested to see how it will play into future chapters as we progress with Albus and Scorpius, and Rose's personality interfering.

Oh gosh, that's got to be terrifying for Rhea, hearing Rose's voice. It does a certain hat tip towards religion and mental illness, how things like Bipolar Disorder could have been explained away by religion. It sort of separates the reason Rose is there - her revenge - and reminds us that Rhea is haunted by this.

Not too much else to comment on here! I'm looking forward to seeing how the revenge plot is going to progress - the last two chapters haven't really talked about it all too much, but I feel like that was okay because it helped us get a little bit more into the plot and into a back story.

(goes without saying, but do re-request ^.^) Nice work!


Author's Response: Julie! Your reviews make me smile so much!

More of Rhea's backstory is coming up soon, say, three or four chapters away, so keep a look out for that!

Of course, I'll check that out. Thanks for the suggestion!

Rhea is so mild and calm, the opposite of Rose here, who's dead bend on revenge. I'm glad that you liked it!

I'll be on your review thread soon!

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Review #22, by MoonyxlunaWhen There Is No War: Little Boy In Blue

3rd October 2014:
Hi I'm here with your requested review!

First things first - I think you should take out the part in your beginning author's note where you 'warn' that your characters may be ooc. - it really just ends up hurting you because it kind of puts readers off from wanting to move forward. Be confident in your writing and let the reader come to their own ideas. (In fanfiction in general no character is going to be perfect, and especially in an AU. This is the same thing as saying in a summary "this sucks but read it anyway" - it's off-putting.)

Okay, here we go!

Ahh domestic bliss :D God, if only things could have been so simple and stupid Voldemort didn't go do his 'pureblood takeover' thing. The little bickering in the bathroom was very sweet.

There's a topic on the forums about Dialogue Tags that you should take a look at. It explains all about where commas need to be and what needs to be capatilized around quotation marks.

Okay. So after the little moment with the hairbrush you sort of tell me a large block of information. It is understandable being an AU that you want to establish some facts and I do appreciate that, but I think you need to do some more showing instead of telling. The information gets lost as I read on into the dialogue. While I remember that you mentioned James and Lily got married and had a baby and Peter married a muggle, the information would be much better served if I learned that information when James and Lily are introduced. Use the cute little domestic moment in the beginning to talk about how Remus/Sirius came to be, and then move on with the story until you find a more fitting place to explain the rest.

I love Sirius' fascination with muggles. It's reminiscent of Arthur Weasley and it's quite funny. I feel like Remus just goes along with him and his random facts like, "yes, dear", because he must just do it all the time :p Too cute.

Okay, Dumbledore is here and we have a child. I wonder if this has anything to do with the summary :D

Remus stood back up to look at Albus. -- feels kind of weird calling him Albus. I'd change this to Professor Dumbledore or even just Dumbledore. There's also another 'Albus' below, if you edit.

He had been dropped off in the early AM along with -- Change AM to morning. so it says "dropped off early this morning"

Somehow, somehow I suspected that it might be Sirius' kid and I'm so happy I was right! Oh boy I am excited for this! I love a good this is your kid!AU. I'd like to learn a little bit more about the mother and what happened to her in future chapters, as well as some more of that wonderful established relationship bliss.

I pointed out a lot of little things, but this was a very fun start overall. I'm interested to see what happens next - feel free to re-request for chapter two!


Author's Response: Oh, your review is very very helpful, I will definetely make those adjustments.

I think the only reason I had them call him Albus was because most of the adults in Cannon called him that, but I don't mind either name, really.

I thought explaining the characters at first would be best, but now that you suggested it, I will change it. People will probablly want to stick out with it just to find out ;)

Thanks so much!!

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Review #23, by MoonyxlunaBurned by Ice: Frostbite

3rd October 2014:
Hi I'm here with your requested review!

This was brilliant. I read Frost's poem in college so it's been a while (not that long... lol) and I think you captured the style/theme of it so wonderfully. You can't really ever pick right (fire/ice) and the way the doorknocker sort of contemplated her answer was very interesting, and entertaining to the theme.

As far as your concerns, yes, the story makes sense! I really loved it, actually. In her dying moments, instead of thinking about what lead up to the moment, the riddle plagued her mind. Very Ravenclaw, if anything :P (considering! haha) Obviously I don't know what the moment of death feels like, but from what we've seen of 'the little moment', I think you capture it very beautifully. (I hope that sentence makes sense to you.)

All of the insults she calls the doorknocker (turkey, chicken) made me grin every time.

I enjoyed Helena's voice. She's fiery with the witty comments about the knocker, and thoughtful with her contemplation about the answer she gave.

I loved the lines of the heat of anger and the burn of jealousy. It wrapped in nicely with the inspired poem and the theme, and made this so beautifully tragic.

Wonderful work! Thanks for requesting such a beautiful piece.


(p.s. I was just about to hit post on this review when I noticed the chapter title 'Frostbite' - Witty. heh.)

Author's Response: Heya!

Thank you! I adore this poem so this means a lot ^.^ And one really can't pick right, can they? I think the doorknocker knew that and was just like, "tee hee. Just wait until she finds out!"

I'm glad that the story makes sense! And yeah, that's what I wanted to highlight about Helena, that despite it all, she was a Ravenclaw to the end, just not the person she wanted to be.

She really hates the doorknocker. I'm happy that the insults made you smile!

I loved writing that dichotomy into her. She's dying, and she's being sarcastic, but she's still thinking about what this all means and how much of her life was spent doing things that didn't really mean much in the end.

And I'm glad all the word choices worked well! Thank you for the lovely review :)

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Review #24, by MoonyxlunaHaunted: the gift

3rd October 2014:
Hi I'm here with your requested review!

Theo/Harry. I'll have to say that Sam's Theo/Harry is the only one I've seen/read, but I'm excited to see what you've done with the ship! Also with the second person POV - I so rarely see it so it's always fun to read.

In your concerns you mentioned the second person point of view, and if it works. I think it does here. The only thing that I found that I could maybe crit you on would be to watch your contractions - this was so, so minor that it's only picking that I saw it, but there were one or two places where I'd have liked a you're instead of a you are - just something to pay attention to with the flow. (this is so minor I didn't even want to put this in, seriously.)

The chapter flows wonderfully. Usually I review as I go, but I sort of got sucked into this and just kept reading and found myself at the end. I love the idea of this little DH missing moment, that Theodore helped the DA in this little task. It really sets up the plot idea, that he may be having second thoughts about being on the dark side.

Other characterization wise, I thought Ginny was wonderful leading the pack, and Neville just peaking through as not being as nervous as we read him to be was really neat to see. Very neat touch with Lavender being related to the Greengrass family.

There is nothing that jumps out as 'fix me' - Your writing flows brilliantly and it's definitely making me want to read more Theodore Nott/more of your writing/this story. I'm excited for the Drarry (which I so rarely read) and the Tharry. Beautiful work on this! (do re-request!)


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Review #25, by MoonyxlunaReincarnation: Hello

2nd October 2014:
Hey Sana I'm here! Sorry about the wait on this! I'd blame work but it was actually my silly muse that seems to love werewolves more than wizards at the moment! haha.

Hmm. I suppose Mary would be cold to her filling Rose's old position. Even if they did give up the search and declared Rose dead, there would still be a bit of coldness towards the person taking over. Nice touch!

I saw that you had mentioned you have a Beta lined up for this so I won't really harp on you too much about some of the tiny things, but in the paragraph where you say Al and Rhea had grown closer... - you just want to watch because you switch over to present tense for a few moments before going back to past.

So here we have the start up of mixed feelings! Albus asks out Rhea. Who is getting pushed in different directions by her own mess of feelings, because her heart flutters for Scorpius from Rose and for Albus from Rhea. While it's a messy situation, I really grasped the both of them from how you wrote in her feelings here, so I really liked that!

She can obviously tell Albus is quick to change to 'just friends' when the bit of Rose peaks through and makes her confused about a dinner date, and it helps her immediately spot that Albus is 'forced happy' about going just as friends.

I love it :D

So I know I'm probably super annoying with the formatting harping, but this is really little I promise! lol. So with the spacing of the paragraphs I'd really like some kind of indication when a time jump happens. Obviously not one of those obnoxious "*~*~" lines through the page, but maybe just one '*' to indicate, would be helpful?

I do like the new method you're using here, having Rose's voice talk to her. It really helps keep things in Rhea's perspective better, while still getting the influence from Rose.

Julie's bad guesses, here we go! (you had to know they were coming by now, Sana.) Okay okay, does she eventually fall for Albus and Rose's voice sort of helps her along and eventually fades away because Rhea and Albus find happiness? Noo because Rose is definitely still here for revenge. I don't know what to think!

The glee in Rose's 'voice' was borderline horror story. That's got to be nerve-racking for Rhea!

What an adorable ending. Maybe I'm on to something with Albus helping her find her own voice with Rose's guidance.. hmm. :D Can't wait to read more! (This goes without saying, but re-request!)



Thank you for that suggestion, I'll keep that in mind for the next chapter. So glad you liked it. Of course I'll re-request!

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