Hi! I'm here with your - very late - requested review!
I really love the premise of this for a few reasons. For one thing, Dudley's magical child! It's something that I've always wanted to read but I've never found one before. Also, I love that you've pulled her out of Hogwarts! I know that sounds really strange but too many times it's the random transfer girl getting put into Hogwarts just to create romantic tension so I'm really interested to see how this will work out for her.
So, this is just my opinion really, but I think in the first paragraph you could do without this: Why did dad have to get transferred to Canada? I think because it's explained in the summary and because a few sentences down she directly tells Carina, it feels too repetitive. Again, though, just an opinion :)
One thing that I think could be cleared up was the introduction of the fellow third years. You've introduced a lot of characters and I was just as lost as Bryony was. I got these really nice descriptions of the girls directly around her, but by the time I've read through the list of boys names I've forgotten all about them. Maybe instead of listing off all of the names, worry about the ones directly in the scene - the few girls - and focus on giving them some relating personality traits. Make them stand out and later, when others come into the scene, give those people their own chance to shine. Juggling a large cast is a fun challenge to give yourself, and it's perfectly fine to introduce them even a few chapters in :)
That being said, I thought the little bit of interaction with Heath was really cute! I'm not sure what to make of it, but I like that. I think I'm in the same spot as Bryony as far as that, so I thought that whole scene was really well written.
I mentioned this above, but I really like the idea of a new school. The one thing I would be careful of is making it TOO much like Hogwarts. Yes, it's nice to see some of the similarities, but make sure you take the opportunity of creating a new school and use it to show as much creativity as you can :)
Bryony couldn't see all the way around the common area because in the centre of the common area was the -- it's just a little repetitive having 'common area' twice in the same sentence.
I like Carina so far :) I thought it was really brave of her to shout at her older brother! I'm the oldest so I've never had that happen, but I couldn't imagine doing that! I think it shows - maybe not Bryony, yet - that even though she got sorted into the Unicorn house that some of the traits from the other houses can be present in the people of her house.
Overall I think this was a really neat first chapter. I'm going to add this to my favorites because I'd love to read more of what's going to happen. Please do re-request when you get the next chapter posted, I'd love to see what happens next! I hope this was helpful for you, feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk about anything further! This has the makings to be a really great story! Report Review
Hi I'm here with your requested review :)
Your details with Ron in the beginning are very nice! Since you said that this has a bunch of different ships I am curious to see where his emotions towards Hermione will eventually go; it seems like he still likes her here so I think you did a good job setting those things up.
I liked how you captured his insecurities about his looks. In comparing to the way Hermione matured to himself you really dove into that familiarity of Ron for the reader; it was nice to see that. I suppose the one thing I would be careful of - which, I'm sure you are aware, I'd just like to point it out ;) - to watch out for changing Hermione too much. Part of the reason I love her so much is because she isn't that typical 'pretty girl', she's just average and it helps the reader relate to her. I do understand that they all have grown up here, but it's just something to keep in mind :)
of his twin brother's sitting-- You don't need the apostrophe in brothers.
a thin, nearly clear broth pouring out of the end of her wand --Just something small, but technically it's impossible for wizards to conjure food; I think it's a neat touch being Mrs. Weasley, but to keep it real to the books I would probably change it to water ;)
The moment for Ron when he realized he had his arm around Hermione was really cute. I think it fit him so perfectly!
Overall this was a really neat first chapter. Great work!Author's Response: I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter! I had a lot of fun writing Ron and his insecurites and as far as Hermione, yes I believe that as she gets older he grows into her looks, but the discription is also given by Ron, who is going to be a bit bias for obvious reason ;)
Thanks so much for the R&R!
~Moon~ Report Review
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)
I think this is such an adorable idea for a story. It reminds me so much of when I was little and learning how to ride a bike! Albus' determination is the cutest... I found myself going 'aww' quite a few times reading this :)
I noticed in the beginning part you had Harry reference Ginny by her first name to Albus. I thought that was a little strange; I think you should change it to 'mum'.
Make sure you capitalize class names like Potions :)
You did SUCH a beautiful and heart wrenching job capturing the way Albus looks up to James. I think you did a really great, and accurate, job writing his uneasy feeling of talking to his brother about his situation.
I thought the Chloe parts were really sweet, and I loved how nervous he was. Through the whole story I think you gave Albus such a real characterization that made him so easy to relate to. Everyone has things that they aren't good at even though they wish they were, and everyone has people they look up to. I loved that you took them both and applied it to his situation.
I was the oldest in my family, but I definitely know me and my little sister had a few moments like this :) This was so wonderful, I'm so glad you requested it so I could read it!
-JulieAuthor's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!
The plot is very similar to those childhood troubles of i.e not being able to ride a bike :) But I must say, I think I would have been in the same boat as Albus if I was trying to learn how to fly! :p
Oh, thank you for pointing that out! I guess I was too concentrated on showing Harry's side as a father lol. I'll fix that and the capitalization asap :)
It was never a problem with me and my sister, but I felt like especially with brothers, there's a different amount of pressure and more fear of being teased because of it, so I'm really glad I was able to convey his worries correctly!
The parts with Chloe were really last minute actually so I'm happy you liked it :) Albus experiences things in this that are so universal that we all go through, and it definitely helps my writing to know that I'm able to add depth to the character and show him as someone to relate to.
Aww! My sister and I have had so many moments like this--I go to her for everything!
Thank you again for leaving me such a lovely review! :D Report Review
Hi Maggie! I'm here with your requested review :)
So, I actually did get most of this chapter read when we swapped... but god if I could get one extra second to review on that day? Nope. But that's okay! Because hopefully I might actually be able to be helpful re-reading it :)
I really liked the way you wrote Salazar's mannerisms through Helga's eyes at the start of this chapter. Every little detail she spoke of his actions just fit the situation so well and I think it worked with his out-of-mind dialogue. It really fit her concerned personality, and his hardened one, so well. I really do love your imagery through the whole thing in that regard.
One thing I love is how you've taken the traits each of the Founders looked for in their students, and you've worked them in so subtitle, but in such a recognizable way. Like with Rowena. You don't go out-right and say "She's smart, she's witty", but you just write her that way. It really makes the characters come to life from what little we know about them.
Oh my Godric, the part with Gryffindor! Seriously, so adorable. I am a little bit curious though about the fact that she's a muggle. I mean, I certainly don't want to have her leave but I know that Hogwarts had the protection that all Muggles could see from the school would be a "mouldering ruin with a sign warning them to keep out, that it's unsafe" - I hope that she's able to stay!
I loved Elaine, and that whole scene in the kitchen. You've got a small cast, and it really gives the chance for even more minor characters to come out in their own light and be loved.
You asked about more imagery. I really think you've done a lovely job talking about their mannerisms and the things surrounding them. The only place I could possibly think that I would have liked to see a little bit more of inner monologue from Helga would be her thoughts on Salazar's actions -- or, lack thereof -- as she watched him at dinner. Maybe just another sentence or two during that scene? I felt like that was the only part that ended a little too quickly.
YES :) it sets up suspense. I can't wait what happens when they confront the Boggart tomorrow. I'm kind of curious... so, it's Salazar with the fire, so I'm wondering what Helga's will be. And of course I'm wondering how it's going to affect their -- hopefully -- budding romance.
Honestly, I told you before but I'm so in love with this story. Keep up the great work hun. Of course, please do re-request!
-JulieAuthor's Response: Julie, hey! I'm so glad you got a chance to come by! And oh my goodness, I completely get it. RL can be crazy :/ But thanks so much for this review!
I just tried to imagine how Helga would react to Salazar in that situation, seeing him so troubled by the boggart. And I've said it before, but everything Salazar says or does is a challenge for me to write. So I'm really glad that scene worked well, and they stayed true to themselves as characters :)
Ahh, I'm so happy you're liking the Founders! I really wanted to give them the distinctive traits their houses are known for, but without stereotyping them too much, you know? And it's also great to know the "show don't tell" thing is working well; that's something I think we've all had trouble with at one point or another :)
It's so awesome that you're picking up on future conflicts about the Muggle issue at Hogwarts. I don't know how big a part that will play for Elaine in this story, but I definitely see it as a point of contention for the founders at some point. I'm still working out the details :) And I love working with a small cast for the exact reason you said. It lets me explore each character a little more deeply, and it's so fun :)
I will definitely look into adding to that dinner part a little bit. Thanks for the suggestion! I see how a little more detail there would be good :)
I'll be re-requesting as soon as I can, so hopefully you won't have to wait too much longer to see the rest :) Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. This made my day!
--Maggie Report Review
*fangirls over Remus*
ohmygod. I don't even care, that this is labeled Sirius/Oc and I know perfectly well that Remus is just a minor character here. *keeps proudly fangirling*
I love how you've managed to write Sera's awkwardness and her loathing of getting herself in embarrassing situations that she knows she can prevent. I can (way too perfectly) relate to her mind going into overdrive at "how the hell am I going to do that inconspicuously" when Catie asks her to talk to Remus about Sirius.
And James! He wasn't even in the part, but 'using' Sirius to weed out the people who aren't serious about Quidditch... got to love him. I am still curious as to his reasoning for being in the Slytherin corridor and I'm half way wondering if there was someone else there under his invisibility cloak, but I'll just go along with his 'Head Boy' story for now. I think his stuttering and 'trying to keep things inconspicuous' were really humorous and in character for him :)
I really like how you work in the details about Sera's mother's condition, and the constant progression or regression of her status. It's not like it's something your randomly throwing in, it all really fits with her story and it brings such a lovely depth to her tale.
I was halfway through nodding when I realised what I was doing. "No! Absolutely not! I - oh lord... I'd be dead if you did that, how did you even guess it?" - Loved. just loved. So perfectly awkward :D
*steals Remus and runs*
Lovely chapter! I can't wait to read more of this, and - of course - more of tntly :) Talk to you soon!
-JulieAuthor's Response: Haha ^^ I'm so glad you like him! That's a huge compliment for me because I know how much you like him so that can only mean that I've written him well and hopefully kept him in character d:
Glad you liked the awkwardness. That's always the easiest for me ton write because I'm such an awkward person in real life d: seriously, I always end up in the most uncomfortable situations. It's my talent d:
Hmm, we'll see if you'll find that out at some point d: but I'm really glad you liked James too ^^
Yeah, I don't want to give every piece of information immediately, I need to keep some of the mystery up (:
Yey for favourite quotes!
No! Don't take Remus yet, I still need him for my story. Okay, maybe you can borrow him for a while, but I need him back soon!
Next chapter of tntly is almost done! So you don't have to wait long (hopefully) d:
Thank you, dear, once again ♥ Report Review
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)
Right from the start I really love the voice and the characterization you've given Rose. I like how original you've made her. She's not the perfect Hermione clone, and she's definitely not the rebellious, snide type. She's normal, she's a normal person who wants to see the best in people; she's got realistic flaws, too, and I love that.
A Ravenclaw Scorpius!? *loves* I've never seen him as a Ravenclaw. I have to be honest with you, when I read your summary I was a little bit iffy about the "mysterious Scorpius Malfoy", but you've completely proven my skepticism wrong with the characterization you've given him. He definitely gives me a great feeling that he should be in Ravenclaw. I actually pegged Rose for Hufflepuff in the beginning, but I like her as Gryffindor too.
I think with your characterization alone, you've got a really interesting start to this story. I'm so curious to see where you plan on going with the plot. With the summary I'm really curious to see how you plan on pulling Rose into realizing what she is truly capable of, and how Scorpius is going to help her.
The only thing formatting-wise that I noticed were a few spots where you didn't have double spaced paragraphs (I know I know.. the most minor thing in the world, right?) It happens to me all the time from copying from Word and pasting as plain text :p
You've got a really interesting start here and I'd love to read more! I wish I could be of more help, but hopefully at the very least this put your mind at ease that this is really great! Keep up the fantastic work, and feel free to re-request!
-JulieAuthor's Response: Hey there! Sorry for replying to this so late *shamefaced*
I'm so glad you like it! There are a LOT of clches in this genre of fanfiction so of course I try and subvert them whenever I can. I should definitely change that summary though, it definitely sucks. :P A few people have said that they thought Rose was in Hufflepuff so I might develop that a bit!
I'm really glad you think it's a great start and I'll get those formatting errors changed! Thanks for the review! Report Review
I can't believe I took this long to get here and review! RL... But this was seriously so beautiful!
I loved how you used the spell Arresto Momentum for the title and how you brought it to live with the first paragraph. I think it was a really great way to introduce things and to wrap in a certain magical element to a mournful situation.
Honestly, every sentence flowed so well and it was so heartbreaking! You captured death with such a beautiful elegance that I enjoyed every moment. The narration through Helga's eyes was so fitting and I loved the element of fleeting mystery as to what was really going on.
Lovely work, dear!
-JulieAuthor's Response: Aww, don't worry, dear! I'm just as late with my reviews! But I will get to them soon, I promise!
I'm glad you liked it. It was the banner that gave me the plunny for this. I was trying to come up with a good name for it and then it just hit me, along with the plot bunny ^^
Thank you, you really are too sweet ♥ but I'm really glad you liked it so much (: Report Review
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)
I love Oliver stories. I think he's got such great potential and I don't read them nearly as much as I should. I think the premise here is -while, a bit predictable with the love/hate idea - going to be fun to read. You seem to have a very up-beat narrator in Kim I like her voice so far.
I am really happy you gave an explanation to her nickname. I sort of have a huge peeve about food names for characters but I think with it being her initials, and with the backstory as to how it came about, it worked. I like that, when I find myself asking why and there's an explanation. It shows you gave thought to the things you've put in the story and didn't just throw them in there to create humor.
"Yeah, yeah, we got it, it's Charter like..." okay obviously I'm not going to copy the second half of the sentence but this was hilarious. :p
As you probably know, Cedric Diggory died at the end of our third year. - I like how you've got this story framed, as if she's telling the story to someone, but I don't think this sentence fits. Okay, obviously I know you're telling this to Harry Potter fans, but I think "As you probably know" should be changed to something else.. I wish I could be more specific, but frame it so she's not assuming we know? As of now, I didn't know she was that age, so maybe just reword it :)
So, she's a bit younger than Oliver, if she was a year younger than Harry. I'm interested to see if/how that will come into effect as the story progresses.
Oh, Rita. Can't just take a break, can she? I love how wildly she stretched the situation into something nonexistent.
and after graduation Hermione had kindly placed an undetectable extension charm on our flat - I don't know about this. It doesn't really seem... necessary? I mean, she got a pretty decent grade in Charms and if she's conquered becoming an Animagus, why would she need Hermione to do it for her? (okay, I review as I go and I see your authors note at the end about the connecting story. It makes a little more sense :p Still, maybe they worked together on it?)
haha.. I loved the Apparating-towel mess. And his casual little slip about 'heart’s desire'. The banter was so fun and I think you've done a lovely job setting up Kim's loathing of him; the two have a lot of that super fun sexual tension so I'll be definitely looking forward to reading more of this. I did notice a few minor errors but overall this was really well-written and entertaining. Keep up the good work, and feel free to re-request for the next chapter!
-JulieAuthor's Response: Hey, so happy to hear from you!
I am so happy to know you enjoyed the explanation about Kiwi's name. She was always Kiwi in my head, and I took a lot of time actually trying to find a reason why she could be called that, so the acknowledgement of my work makes me happy! That was a rambling sentence...
I love that sentence as well. Won't write it out either, but Cat's whole character was imagined from that sentence :)
I will go and edit the "As you probably know" out, it's just that Kim and Cat were in Ginny's year - maybe I should make that more obvious.
She is quite a bit younger than Oliver -six years. That doesn't have too much impact on their relationship though...
Ugh, Rita. She was so much fun to write, even indirectly, and yet so annoying. I will insert more of her as well!
Hmm, yes, I should edit the undectable extension charm bit as well. I hadn't seen things as such, but of course it makes perfect sense that they should have been able to do the magic alone. Thank you for pointing it out!
Thank you very much for the great feedback and even greater review!
I have the explanation on how to fix things with Lucy. TELL HER YOU LOVE HER!
SERIOUSLY. I want things to get better. Mary is scary! (that rhymes!) I'm really sad that Lucy seems to be so happy around Harold but I'm going to hope it's all a lie and she is miserable just like Steven!
Who did he think he was? A comedian? - oh bless his heart for this line. Jealousy has a way of rearing its ugly head.. Poor Steven!
I still love how awkward he is. And how much he failed at getting detention.. it was so pathetic but still adorable and humorous. He needs Lucy's help!!
Worst timing ever! No! Steven, you're supposed to be kissing Lucy, not Mary!
Even though it was a bad day for Steven I still loved this chapter and his awkwardness so dearly. WRITE MORE :D
*hugs* I'll talk to you soon dear!
-JulieAuthor's Response: Haha he has read your letter and has written a response.
Thank you for the explanation, it's hard to do that when Harold is always in the way. I would tell Lucy I love her but then that would mean me admitting out loud that I have feelings for her and I'm just too scared to at the moment.
P.S. how did you know where I was?
Hehe :-D She is scary, I fear her. Ahh with Lucy I think she's trying to make Steven jealous and it is working. She'll finally talk to Steven in the next chapter she needs to help him get rid of the nut job :-D
Oh Steven is very jealous haha I'm glad you liked the pathetic attempt at him getting a detention haha that was fun to write.
Oh Steven didn't even want to kiss Mary haha, poor him I think Mary totally planned it so Lucy would see.
I am going to write more soon my lovely! *hugs* yay! I hope you're ok! x Report Review
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)
*fangirls* I'M SO HAPPY YOU CONTINUED THIS! And I love your new banner.
I love McGonagall. Seriously, I don't know if it's my brain just being a bit of a lump right now or if it's just how awesomely you have written her, but I believed her. Just as I was sitting there thinking, why would Remus' dad be waiting in Hogsmea-ohwaitnevermind. Yeah. not one of my best moments :p
The smell of rain clouds, trees and fresh air made it difficult to keep him at bay for much longer -love this line. Remus really understands Wolf and he gets what makes him fight to break free.
Sirius was fantastic again, I love the bit of humor in the situation and I think the dialogue between the three of them worked really well. Trust him to take a few too many seconds to understand what's going on :)
Ohmygod and his transformation. It was so perfect. I remember that line, how Remus in the books says it's so painful every time, so I think the way you combined his body shifting into the canine, the howls, and the abrupt switch into Wolf's personality really made everything just fit.
When Wolf references the 'Other One', that's Remus, right?
Stop, Snape! Will you just listen to me?” My face literally just went :O ohmygod WHY are you doing this to me?? Okay, it was awesome. The James and Severus banter, and reading it from Wolf's point of view how all he wanted to do was save his pack member was so wonderful. You really do a fantastic job capturing the canine mentality of Remus when he is transformed and it makes this so believable.
no idea who he was but hen the scent - Should be when.
The only thing I noticed was during Peter's explanation to Remus, you have him switch off a few times from calling his friends 'James and Sirius' and 'Prongs and Padfoot' - It wouldn't really matter which, but I'd keep it all the same, as a consistency thing.
Lily was so lovely. I loved how shy she got about James fancying her and how you made her figure out Remus' situation.
Once again, fantastic work! I'm just in awe with how fantastic this is. Keep it up; I can't wait to read the next chapter!
-JulieAuthor's Response: Heya! Glad you managed to come on by!
I almost did not continue this! I was going to leave it with two chapters, walk away and write something else. However, Wolf's voice would NOT go away so now, instead of two chapters, this will be a 8-9 chapter story! Haha!
I'm glad that you believed her! That was the point! I was hoping someone would be confused as to why McGonagall would be lying. Haha!
I'm also happy that you liked Sirius! He was a bit hard to write. My beta said he was being too much of a...err...a non-12 word but I wanted to show that he was reckless and really doesn't think things through. He doesn't really understand that Remus is in a great deal of pain and that he's only making things worse.
The transformation was fun and painful to write. I wanted to make it different than the last transformation yet make it as painful sounding as possible. I'm glad that you liked it! And yes! Remus is The Other one.
The James and Severus argument was fun to write! Severus is a pain and James is just trying to protect Remus's secret. Of course, Severus just wants to know the truth and ignores James. The boiling point for him though was when he was hanging upside down once again.
I'll go ahead and edit that misspell. Haha! The tiny things will be the death of me! I'll also edit the consistency when it comes to the Marauders's names and their names.
I was trying to show, during the Lily-Remus conversation, that she was starting to think of James as more of an annoying human being. Lily was a smart witch so if Snape was able to figure it out, I'm pretty sure that Lily would've done it too. However, she took the news in a different way.
The next chapter will be coming soon hopefully! I just have to get past the 300 words I have! Hahaha!
Thank you for the lovely review!
--Rosie Report Review
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)
I love Snily.. and this was so beautiful! I think you grasped their crumbling relationship and Severus' life with such a certain sense of poise and emotion that it made this so beautiful!
You asked about flow. Honestly I don't think you have anything to worry about; the style of the story makes the abrupt transitions work. Yes, they are abrupt, but it tells a story and they all fit together in a lovely fashion as I read through.
I think you did a great job capturing Severus, and I thought Lily's characterization was very original and interesting. I'll talk a little bit below about the maturity, but I think you gave her an edge, and she was definitely... cool. She countered him, she stood up for herself, She was the strong Lily Evans that we love, but original at the same time. I liked how you slowly shattered things for them. I love the ship but it's always got that looming star-crossed doom and you worked that in very well.
As I said above, the only critical thing I could really find would be that Severus and Lily, they feel mature. And, I do think the style of the story makes it work better than normal, but there is still a sense that they are behaving well upon their age in their actions together for the first half. It's mostly the before "Snape's Worst Memory" incident that my concerns sit; If that pin-points it better. like I said though, the setup - reliving little blurs in Severus' life - gives it balance. I noticed a few missing words, but I don't think it's anything another read-through or a beta couldn't catch. By no means was it distracting from the flow.
Her smile is crooked, reminding him of the man he lost her to.
Regret's smart like that. -my heart broke at this point. Out of all of the imagery, everything I think this stood out the most to me in the change that Severus saw go through her.
Your imagery is so spectacular. I love your metaphors and the way you describe things within the little moments is so fitting to paint the picture for the reader's mind.
I wish I could be more helpful! Seriously, this was such an enjoyable read, and I really don't think you have anything to worry about with the flow. It works; with this story, it works. Fantastic job with this! You really captured the ship so gracefully and reminded me why I love it.
-JulieAuthor's Response: Hi there!
I'm really pleased you liked this one! I've been a bit concerned with it, but you totally put my mind at ease! I've always had trouble writing from a child's POV and I think that was probably what shone through here. I mean, my imagery is just a bit too mature to fit into small kids' mindsets. I don't exactly know what to do about it, though, and I somewhat feel that it still reflects the two of them. But yeah, I guess I can see your point. They're very mature. I actually never gave it a thought before now, so I might have to be more aware of this when writing children's thoughts. At the same time, though, I know I thought and spoke like this when I was younger, so I guess it depends on people? No. I don't know. I definitely see your point, though!
I'm so happy you liked this. Thank you so much for reviewing, this was a great help! Report Review
Hey Maggie! Thanks for the review swap!
So I am in love with this story so far. I did read a little bit for the Keckers but re-reading it now I am just in love.
The language, Helga's voice, god she's fantastic. I don't really read to many founders (okay.. so maybe like two in my FF career :p) but I think you've done such a great job capturing a certain sense of poise for her and it fits so well with the Era and her Puff-ness.
I love the way you have written the setup of tension between Helga and Salazar. They're both witty and I love the banter, but you can really get each of their house personalities from their voice. Rowena was also lovely here, and Godric was so fun in the first chapter.
Your use of a boggart was awesome. I really enjoy when Authors use canon details such as that and I think you took the concept very gracefully.
You are not the only one who watches, Hufflepuff. I just happen to be better at it. - my favorite line. I'm in love with these two.
Cliffhangers.. I love them and I loathe them! I have to keep reading! I haven't noticed any grammatical errors yet, so really great work there. The only thing I could say is you're a bit comma heavy, but then again so is everyone :p
Honestly though, brilliant work here, Maggie. Keep up the great work! (I just have to keep reading now :D)
-JulieAuthor's Response: Hey, Julie, thanks for swapping with me! I'm really glad you decided to do this chapter. This story is kind of my baby right now, and I love any feedback I can get :) And I'm so happy you're liking it!
I think Helga is my favorite character I've ever written, so I'm especially glad to hear you like her too :) And Salazar has definitely been a challenge to write, but at the same time it's been a lot of fun to get inside that mind of his. Rowena and Godric will get a little more time to shine in later chapters, so I hope you continue to enjoy them :)
Ahh that line! I could just see Salazar saying that, so I had to include it! And I'm glad the ending makes you want to keep reading...that's the goal, after all :) I'll also be looking into the comma thing. Sometimes it's just hard to know what to do with them.
Yes, please do keep going! I'm so glad you enjoyed this, and thanks again for swapping with me!
Hey Jenn! I'm here with your review :) I'm so sory this took me ages to get to! I wanted to read right when it came out but we moved, and unpacking has been nothing but insane these past few weeks.
But, I'm here!!
I really liked this chapter because it seems like it's pushing the plot forward and it's giving the reader an idea of 'what now'. After a family receives news like that it's something that just sticks with you, 'what now'.
She wanted some form of control but none came. - this line was perfect. My favorite in the chapter; it fit so well.
The one thing I was kind of confused about was that in the beginning of the chapter Neville was getting ready for work, you were talking about how she was thinking about the day ahead and they said goodbye. So then she spends a paragraph with Benji and goes back into her room and Neville is there. I think you should just change it a little bit so that it says how he didn't leave or something, because it confused me a little bit.
I think you handled the informational part of this chapter really well! I could really get a good grasp for her emotions as she and Neville read the CP books together, and it was also informative which was good for the reader understanding of what exactly is going on.
:O I found my name! hahah.. I never see my name in Fanfiction! That's way cool.
I love Benji. I love how you write him. You love him, and it shows. Through everything in this chapter he always makes me smile whenever he's in a scene. I love Gran, how supportive she is, and Neville how he is holding everyone together. Everyone just clicks together and they're so loveable.
I think you should have a line break or an asterisk or something between the PoV change from Hannah to Neville. It wasn't a messy transition by any means, it's more for formatting purposes to make the jump more noticeable ;)
A cliffhanger? You know, I love them and I loathe them. But it works here. I want to hear what's going to happen so you need to write more! I hope I can actually read the next chapter right away next time! I noticed very minor comma stuff, but nothing that really distracted me from what was going on.
Keep up the good work hun! I'll talk to you soon :)
-JulieAuthor's Response: Hi Julie!
Sorry that it has taken me this long to respond. Things have been super crazy so please don't worry about taking so long I totally understand where you are coming from.
This chapter was a plot mover you're right and I really wanted to take the time and explain the 'what now' feeling that you have when you begin reading. I am glad that you said something about that line because it was really my moment of giving the reader a look into Hannah's mind and what it must be like for her.
I will have to reword that because you're right that is a bit confusing now that someone has pointed it out.
I really liked giving the readers more information on CP and getting them kind of geared up for what is to come and the better understanding of what emotions they feel. Although, a few plot twists or cliffie's will be tossed into the mix for good measure.
I thought that you might like to see your name in there! For all the support that you have given me with writing you deserved a bit of credit! =D
Awww! I really do love Benji and I am glad that it shows strongly. He is my favorite OC to write! I am happy to know that he puts a smile on your face when he shows up in a scene because that is something that will come up later on! ;) Gran is awesome! I didn't want to show her in a grouchy way. I really wanted to see that progressive change in relationship between her and Neville. Neville is so strong and after everything he has been through, you just know that he can get through everything.
I will definitely look into splitting up the POV's it maybe something that really helps. Thanks for pointing that out.
Hahahahaha Cliffhanger!! I should have the next chapter up later this week! Ugh...comma's. =)
Thanks for all the wonderful feedback and for being such an awesome person! I miss you and hope I get to talk to you soon!
-Jenn Report Review
Hi! I'm here from the Puff review tag :)
Right away I think you did such a lovely job capturing the voice of an six year old. She's still got that young innocence to her and through the whole story you kept to that, making this really enjoyable :)
I think it's kind of neat that Seamus named his son Dean. I always loved their friendship in the books and it was a cute little reminder. And her socks! I'm just going to keep gushing about how cute this is :D
Teddy! He's so adorable, and I love how well he handled Darcy. I'm guessing he gets that a lot with his blue hair so it was sweet that he was so nice and understanding with her.
Really, really adorable work on this! It was light hearted and cute. Great job!
-JulieAuthor's Response: Hello! I'm so happy to get a review from a fellow Puff! :)
Writing in the point of view of a little girl was so much fun for me! I got to unlock that side of me from when I was a kid, which was such a treat! I knew Dean's name before Darcy's actually. I thought Seamus would definitely do that, and that it was a cute reminder of his best friend. And the socks! That is something straight out of my childhood. Haha. I loved writing Teddy, so I'm glad you enjoyed him! I think he would be patient with kids, seeing as there are so many little Potters and Weasleys!
Thank you so so much for reviewing, and I'm so glad you enjoyed this!
Cassie :) Report Review
Hi! I'm here with your requested review! [I know you said two and three in your request but just so you know I only do one chapter at a time ;)]
aww! *hugs* I'm glad I could help! And now I feel bad that I took so long to get to this review. We moved! I've been spending every single second unpacking boxes and boxes so I'm glad I could finally get to this story!
I think I'm in love. I may have said this before about Malfoy but this, this is different. - I love this line. I think it was such a perfect way to start the chapter after meeting the guy in the previous. It says a lot about Rose; not quite sure what yet, but it definitely adds to her character.
I don't get why Dom where's makeup - should be wears ;) Also, I think you could downplay Dominique's beauty a little. I mean, I understand, it's a great method to keep Rose relatable and it does work, but I think it was a little bit too much in the beginning.
I did notice a few more grammar things, so make sure you're keeping an eye on those :) Otherwise the beta section on the forums is really helpful ;)
I really like the development in Phoebe. She's fun, and I think she adds to Rose. I still would like to see a bit more from Rose, but even from the last chapter to this one she is growing on me. I did think the end was very fun; looking down to her wrist and not realizing she wasn't wearing a watch until after she left the house :D
I think the flow for the first half of the chapter worked really well, but once we got to Diagon Alley I felt like things got a little rushed. Maybe add a few more transition sentences to the part before the 'four hours later' ?
Again, please do re-request! I'm loving the Rose/OC (I know I already told you that, but I had to say it again) and I'm really curious to see where some of the things you've set up will head. Keep up the good work!
-JulieAuthor's Response: Hiya :D (I'll make sure to request 3)
I didn't realsie I had put where until my beta told me. Silly Me :)
I love writing Phoebe she's mad as a hatter!
Thanks again xx
Soph x Report Review
Hey Sunday! I'm here with your requested review :)
So I noticed in the beginning you didn't have Minister for Magic, Death Eaters or Auror capitalized; if you edit just change those because they're job titles ;) It gives credit to JKR for creating the Wizarding world and everything in it.
OTTO REUNITES WITH PRIMARY ASSET IN THE HUNT FOR YOU KNOW WHO... AND HER FUTURE OFFSPRING - this was a little confusing, just because we call Voldemort 'You Know Who'; maybe try rewording it a little?
I loved James. I think your description and the dialogue you gave him fit his canon personality really well :) And Sirius. He was really playful and it fit him with his teasing. I was looking for Peter, but I'm just guessing he stayed in the background.
Remus howled. The boys laughed but Moody was far from amused - this was the only thing that I didn't think really fit Remus/the story. I don't think being a Werewolf would ever be something he'd bring up, and it almost came off as he was bragging about it this moment.
Once they’d all entered the boardroom Dumbledore was already there, waiting patiently for them.- I'd maybe reword this. It sounds a little awkward, like you started going one way and changed it half way through.
I'm not really finding any run-on sentences as I'm reading through. I did notice a few missing commas in your dialogue, but it wasn't anything that really took away from the story or distracted me.
I loved Misery in the press conference. It's so delightful to see Rita Skeeter get her snide actions thrown back at her. I think she - Misery - handled herself so well and I really commend her bravery.
All the things I pointed out were very minor changes, and overall I thought this was a lovely chapter. It's nice to learn more about what's going on and I did love the little Tonks interlude. Re-request! I can't wait to read more :)
-Julie Report Review
Hi! I'm here with your requested review! RL has been insane lately, but I finally found some time.
So, I'm going to write down a few things as I go through the first few chapters so you can kind of get a progression of my thoughts on the first few as I read.
I want to start by saying that I really enjoy your chapter length. I like that you've given the reader enough things going on to get a chance to really dig into the story before things conclude to the next one.
So, after reading chapter 1 I took a little sneak peek at some of the reviews to see if what I was thinking had been mentioned; so, I'm not going to harp on you about the mature dialogue and eleven year olds using spells, because it seems as if you've been told that. I guess my thing for that chapter is to really try to hold on to some of the magic? You know, really thing about J. K. Rowling's writing in PS. Instead of worrying about setting up SO much drama between Rose and Scorpius, focus on some of the magic. I saw you talked about the trolley, and the boats, but maybe try to focus less on kicking Malfoy in the bludgers, and talk about Rose's reaction to the new magic around her? Really try to put yourself into the shoes of an 11 year old going away from their parents to a boarding school the first time; I just don't think picking fights with 'Slytherins' -which, technically you wouldn't even know yet because they haven't been sorted- and defending the family honor is really going to be on the top of the to-do list.
My biggest thing in chapter 2 is the characterization.. Right now, it doesn't really feel like they... are their own individual people? I really think you need to work on Rose's inner monologue as far as talking about her friends. I think this sort of intertwines with the next point, humor, but it really feels like the humor about all of the funny things that each of them is saying is overpowering me really getting to know them. I'm kind of losing their individual personalities because it's one witty statement after another.
Leading me into my next point, and I suppose this is for both chapters so far is the humor. Don't get me wrong, it's hilarious. But it's almost too much, if that makes sense. I really love writing humor, and I've learned -through reviews like this- it's really important to find a balance. You've got so many witty lines and random tangents that it makes it really hard to follow the story line. As you add things in, try asking yourself 'does this need to be here?' or 'what does this add to the plot line?' try to look at some of those things and, along with the characterization, try to find a happy medium.
I think you also need a few.. explanations? This sort of goes hand in hand with Rose's inner monologue, but I found myself asking why quite a few times. What is the purpose of the 'boy's room' at Rose's house? Why is Al there, eating breakfast? Their friend, Jag, how does he 'prefer blackjack' if he's a pureblood? (I guess I could see that it's his way of rebelling against his upbringing, but still) I think these three things go hand in hand, so try to think about that.
Also, remember they're only going into their sixth year, they shouldn't be using magic outside school so casually. I noticed that in a few chapters.
This kind of leads me into chapter 3, I really find myself looking for the 'why'. why did Hermione just let them all go shopping? It felt kind of forced :/ I dunno, if I was a parent there's no way I would say "hey kids, I'll buy all of your supplies, you go shop in the one store that's conveniently fun" It doesn't really give off the idea that Hermione thinks they're old enough, it just gives off the idea that we needed to ditch Hermione and have fun in Diagon Alley. Plus, wasn't she just punished earlier that day for getting caught sneaking out of the house? I think the look Hermione gave Rose did help, but I guess that's just a matter of personal opinion. It's just something to think about from a realistic viewpoint :)
That why carried over in the fourth chapter with the prefect patrols selection. Again, you know, I get it, it sets up dramatic tension but it was kind of obvious what was going to happen. And all of the other prefects can obviously see that they don't get along, but McGonagall has left it up to them to pick. why can't they just switch? Maybe add something about it being magically binding after the names are picked? Or have the Head Girl talk about why them being partners is important for inter-house 'acceptance' or something.
I really love the Zelda/Jag and Xander/Al setup. I thought it was really subtitle through everything here and it was cute :) I also like the subtitle alluding to something going on with Jag.. Especially the part at the 9 3/4 platform. I'm guessing he's going to be a Vampire or something a little different.. but my guesses on stuff like that are usually extremely wrong, so I will just wait :) I'm also a little curious as to why Rose's owl has Hyperion as a name.. being it's Scorpius' middle. I'm guessing that's going to come up in the future.
"I want to shower"- I have to put this bluntly. This may just be a peeve of mine, but sentences with extra letters like this one had really deminish the quality. With this one in particular, you have "long, mournful wail" right after, so maybe just put some italics and have Rose describe a little bit more. Also, a few times in Chapter 4, you have characters say 'haha'- just end the dialogue and say she laughed.
Okay, so I'm leaving this review on chapter 4, because I've hit the character limit. I am curious to read on because that was such a crazy ending! So, I know this was a lot of CCbut it's not really too major of stuff. I talked about it in chapter 2 but by 4 I was getting to know them better. I hope this is helpful and that I managed to address your concerns and help. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk at all.
-JulieAuthor's Response: First of all, thank you so very much for this fantastic review! :D All the points you've made are all quite, quite true. Sometimes I do feel I'm getting carried away by trying to write humor and sometimes the characters don't get enough limelight. . .
As for the Prefects picking their partners-- Rose does try to ask McGonagall if she can switch partners, but the hag isn't so lenient. But you're right, I should make that scene a bit more clear.
You have a good point about Chapter 3. Hermione probably wouldn't go and buy all of their school supplies, not after the horrible fiasco in the morning. But I do feel that she would do the shopping for them sometimes, simply because it's HERMIONE and it's SCHOOL. :D
And I'm glad you're curious about those little things, like why Jag likes blackjack and so on, because now I feel that the readers actually care about the small details. I'll definitely explain if the readers don't mind! ;)
Again, thank you so much for this review! It really puts the whole story in perspective for me! Report Review
Hi Sunday! I'm here with your review! I'm sorry again for how long this has taken me. RL has its ways of sneaking up on you sometimes :p
I think the way you string together sentences in the beginning is really beautiful. It really feels like you write this with such a sense of care and I really like that about this story.
Finally ready to re-join the world, Misery poked her head out of Remus Lupin's bedroom door. -- I'm not going to copy over this whole paragraph but I thought this was such a lovely one. I think you did such a perfect job of capturing Remus' close friends view of him.. and I think the descriptions were perfect. I loved it.
So then we move onto the hospital. I really loved your characterization of both Remus and Misery here. Remus wanted to stay out of the way, but Misery brought him back in and he accepted it. I think it was a very.. accurate display of how Remus would act in a situation like that. lovely work! I feel like we learned more about Misery here and I loved the bit at the end; I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter and learning all about what actually happened.
So, I really don't think you have anything to worry about as far as unfavorable parts. I think this is so well written, dear. I can really tell that you've spent time working on it; it shows through the way you write.
I don't know if you've done this in the next chapter, but I do think you should include a little part - just here or there - reminding us that Remus is actually telling this story to Tonks. You know, her reaction, etc. Again, if you've done this in the next chapter ignore me, but that's the only thing I guess I kind of missed out on at this point.
Anyway, I really am enjoying this story. I think it's staying really faithful and I can't wait to read more. I hope this review was at least a little helpful, if not at least it hopefully put your mind at ease to some of the things you may be concerned about.
Again, I'm so sorry for the wait on this! I'm usually way better at clearing my thread, but *sighs* rl. Feel free to re-request for the next chapter! Lovely work.
-JulieAuthor's Response: Hey, don't worry about it. I think we all know how busy life can get - it's been months since i even started to think about adding on to this again, so cut yourself some slack :)
Anyways, thanks a lot for doing this. It actually has set my mind at ease a little. I'm glad to hear you think it's well written because I'm not sure I spent nearly as much time on it as you think I did, so that's really nice for me to hear.
Also relieved to hear Remus is staying in character. Writing canon makes me so nervous. I try so hard to be faithful - so I'm happy I'm on the right track. And I'm glad you think Mis is characterized well, also.
I actually have thrown Tonks in a couple other chapters, so don't worry about it. Though, I hoped I've timed the flashes between the past and present okay. Perhaps you could judge that on the next chapter?
Anyways, thanks again! Definitely re-requesting!
Sunday./. Report Review
JAMES! THAT IS MAHAGONY!
(I really hope you've seen the Hunger Games movie or that will make absolutely no sense :p)
aw, Poor Adam! I am overjoyed to hear that he's going to propose to Lucy, and I love how he won't take Amelia, but I hope things work out in his new job! And I hope James and Amelia can find a new place!
BUT, now onto the important stuff.
Excuse me, while I fangirl excessively about the second half of this chapter.
She loves you, Freddy! I promise! GO ASK HER! She's been fangirling over you for three stories now!
(I love what she's reading!)
And Hugo is still in his band, but they won't let him go all out with his triangle solo :p I love how no one helps him out from the boxes until his dad just yanks him up by the foot.
She was staring back because she loves him!
Okay, so excessive fangirling aside, I thought it was adorable how he was looking at her through shelves. And it makes me sad how down on himself he is. But it's cute, and I am going to sit here and wait and wait for the next chapter because I want to read more :)
Fantastic work! *continues to fangirl all day*
♥JulieAuthor's Response: Haha I have seen the Hunger Games :-D hehehe.
Yep little Adam is growing up *cries* haha yeah Amelia wouldn't be able to be trusted with a secret like that :-p Poor Adam, he'll find a job soon, hopefully :-S
Awww yay!!! I'm so glad that you liked that :-P hehe So much love! I thought I would add that book in there for you :-p
Yep Hugo managed to worm his way back into it. Haha poor Fred, yep noone seems to care about him in the shop, except for Julie :-D
I'm so glad that you liked it, Fred is a bit stalkerish at the moment, aww he's just all shy and stuff he'll see that she likes him soon enough :-D
The next chapter should be soon my lovely!! I'm so glad I made you so happy xxx Report Review
Hey Heather I'm here!
So, I just noticed that you have 'happiness' spelled wrong in your summary. Just so you know :)
Aw, so much love for Ron and Hermione! And they found her parents! *cheers* I still think they're so adorable together, Ron and his sleepiness and Hermione's frantic behavior. I hope everything goes okay when they pick up her parents!
Ron, put your pants on!
Oh my god WHY are you trying to make me cry!? I never cry! I really really loved how you incorporated that little movie memory to the first thing that her parents remember! I love how you write all of her actions, and Ron was adorable here! And her mum, I loved in the end how she was acting just like a parent; it was quite adorable!
No! What's going on!? I'm really skeptical, so I think I just kind of jinxed myself because I was kind of thinking 'oh wow, this is going really nicely' - and then this happens! I feel so bad for Hermione! I think Ron's patronus memory was pretty cute, though! I hope things get sorted out for them soon.
Oh my god I should have expected you to end things in a cliffhanger but I didn't expected it and I'm shocked! It makes sense, though! I mean, they think they are married with no kids so it would only be natural. I seriously cannot wait to see what happens next! I wonder how this will affect everything...
Keep up the lovely work! I can't wait to read more! *hugs*
-JulieAuthor's Response: Aww, I knew you'd like this one!! I was trying sooo hard not to blow it lol. I edited Happyness :P at first I thought you meant for this chapter, but then I saw it.
Yeah, I love how I'm really getting Ron and Hermione's relationship. I wasn't expecting to get it that well, but I am :)
lolol After I wrote that bit about Ron's pants, I knew you'd love it lolol :D
Well, it's reuniting, there has to be tears! It'd be abnormal if there weren't tears :P I loved the idea of bringing that back into this. plus I got to have an excuse to do the quintessential awkward Ron, I love it :) Plus, I know how cliche it is to have the dad look all stern, and be like I've always wanted to do that. In this case, it just seemed to fit so well, I couldn't help it :P Plus adorable momness, I loved that too.
Haha, yeah, I couldn't make it easy, it's a complicated process. I'm glad you liked his patronus memory, I wanted to do something I hadn't seen before.
Oh, when I had this idea, I immediately loved it, I can't wait to write more, I do have off tomorrow... I know I say that, and then I don't or something, but hopefully this time... lol.
Thank you for the great 90th review, I couldn't have asked for better!
-Heather Report Review
Wow, your imagery in the beginning is very lovely!
I find it interesting that Scorpius keeps a journal. A lot of times I see him characterized as very proud, so I think that's a neat touch on making things original. How old are you having him here? I'm guessing he's seventeen, and going to his final year of school, because he did magic outside of school, but I'd just like to clarify :)
I think it's neat that you also gave a reason for them moving into Malfoy Manor, and I am interested in how you plan on using Draco now that you've said it looks like he really doesn't want to live there.
You left a lot of things open (in a good way!) with the little Draco and Hermione moment in the garden, so I think that gave this a good curiosity factor, leading me to want to read and figure out why Hermione is meeting him like this; Why at Malfoy Manor, and why should she have waited? It's got me a bit worried that she may be pregnant, with the fact that Draco brought his hands down to her waist.. I guess I'll just have to wait and figure out!
I like that you included his sudden haste to get to his room, I think that gave his actions a little bit of solidarity; I was a bit concerned as to why Scorpius wasn't going to tell his mum, but those few sentences about that he 'knew' his dad wouldn't want his mum knowing sort of gave a little bit to his characterization and explained that.
until father's secret brings the walls crumbling down around our little family - Okay, this is a really nice alluding sentence, but I think it is a little bit too heavy at the moment. At this point, it seems as if Scorpius has no idea what his father actually did, so I think I would try to reword that a little bit and tone it down.
and take that as my queue to excuse myself from the table - queue should be 'cue'.
Okay, so I told you how I don't really like Dramione so take this for what it's worth. I really think its an interesting aspect that you have Draco getting very offended over the Scorpius' House Elf comment :p It sort of makes me think that he and Hermione may have a little more history than just the situation that they discussed the previous night. I'm not 100% convinced on Draco's... 'motives' yet, but, again, take that for what it's worth. If I was a Dramione shipper, I think those little things would work well. :p
I think everything flowed really well, there weren't any messy transitions so good work there! The pace did move a little fast, but for an introduction I think it worked.
It’s amazing how a single even can change your entire perspective on a situation - loved this ending! But I think you meant 'event' instead of even :)
Overall I think you have an interesting start here! I'm definitely curious to what's wrong with Hermione. Keep up the good work, I hope this was helpful, and good luck writing chapter two!
-JulieAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for your R&R! This is my first time writing nextgen (and honestly I really haven't read a whole lot of it either) so I tend to look at the kids as a having a clean slate. As for your question, age wise I'm thinking 15-16ish... I know using magic at home is not technically allowed at that age, but in wizarding households the ministry leaves it up to the parents to enforce that rule. They can only detect magic, not who used it. There is a lot of time between the final battle and the time period I'm writing in here, and a lot could have happened in between. I believe that the events leading up to the final battle would have severely changed Draco, so that the household that Scorpius lives in would be very different from how Draco was raised, therefore Scorpius would have a very different attitude than his father did at that age. As far as the meeting, and Draco's "motives" (as you put it) you're just going to have to wait and see! =)
This piece is actually being written for a challenge, so once that's over I'll go back and fix the mistakes you spotted (thanks!!) and resubmit it.
Can't wait to see what you think of the next chapter!
And again thank you for the R&R =)
Hi! So, Remus and Tonks is my favorite ship ever, so I had to pick this one!
I thought this was really neat! I think you did a lovely job capturing Tonks' fire and Remus' self-deprecation and pushing away any feelings. They both seemed in character in the flashbacks as well as the 'present' time with just Tonks.
This is more of a personal opinion thing, but I don't really think you actually need to type out 'flashback' - it really disrupts the flow and it would work smoother if you just added a few transition sentences :) It's up to you, though, it's your story!
I noticed a few spelling mistakes here and there, and it was a little distracting, but definitely not unreadable. The biggest thing I noticed was you were spelling Tonks as Tonk's - I'm not sure about standards for other countries because I've seen it both ways, but if you want to put something as 'apostrophe s' and the last letter of the name is an S, all you would have to do is a) Tonks' or b) Tonks's - either way, I believe!
I really liked the content of the flashbacks. I think the first one gave a really neat insight to how Remus and Tonks first got together, and I like that you made the Firewhisky a factor. I think it fit with the ship in that it would take a lot more than just lust to get the pair actually together!
I think the second one - for Tonks - was really heartbreaking! It sort of sets up the kind of things she's gotten herself into with Remus, and I thought it was really lovely.
Keep up the great work! And thanks for the swap, I really enjoyed reading this!
-JulieAuthor's Response: Hey, there are great couple!
I'm glad you thought i did a good job with the characterisation, thanks! :)
I'll go through when i do my edit and fic the Tonks thing, the speling and the flashback thing, so thanks for pointing that out.
I know what you mean, I didn't see Remus as the type of guy to just give in when he is sober (sp?).
Thanks for reviewing and no problem! :D Report Review
Oh my god. This was hilarous.
Peeves was wonderful, and I loved that you actually wrote about him! He's such an underused humor potential and I think he was absolutly a riot here.
His advice was wonderful! And of course, The Bloody Baron took it!
Brilliant work! This was such a good laugh.
-JulieAuthor's Response: Everyone seems to forget about him, Deed's challenge really was a great opportunity to explore his character, and I'm glad you liked it so much! :) Report Review
Have I told you how much I love Steven? He's such an awkward little wallflower, he's so fun to read about.
NO! Lucy and Steven CANNOT be fighting! They should be doing other things like figuring out that they're PERFECT for eachother and snogging just like future Lucy and future Steven!
I loved the little 'Ohmygod Lucy's hand is on my knee' moment for Steven. I thought it was hilarious to see that first bit of sexual tension start up between them :p
O.O Steven's new friend is... very friendly... isn't she? Let's hope that it makes Lucy jealous enough to bring her running back to Steven!
MY NEW FAVORITE SHIP. btw.
Write more, pleasepleaseplease!?
I can't wait to see what happens next!
-JulieAuthor's Response: Haha you can keep telling me :-p He's so fun to write as well so I'm glad you like reading about him.
Yep sadly they're fighting, haha all in good time they will realise how much they mean to each other.
Things are going to be a lot different for them now, thanks to their future selfs, it's going to be full of tension.
Oh Steven's friend is a so strange, there's going to be more strangeness soon and Lucy is definately jealous :-D
Aww really? That makes me so happy! :-D
I shall be writing the next chapter soon! hehe
Awww Julie you really know how to make my day!! Report Review
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)
*removes OTP goggles*
Before I start off I have to let you know that I absolutely love Remus/Tonks, so take my opinions on this with that in mind :D I am going to give you my best unbiased opinion :)
I think you did a great job capturing Remus' self-deprecation as he tells himself he couldn't have saved his friends. I thought it was heartbreaking, don't get me wrong, but especially the part about how he still considers himself a murder, and it's the nature of his kind that his friends are gone.
With this ship I am always interested to see how Tonks plays in if it's Remus in later life, and I think it's neat how you didn't have him just push her aside, instead constantly comparing the little things, while settling for the subtitle similarities. I think you did a lovely job talking about how Remus held on to the moments with Sirius and I think you did a very good job capturing the essence of this ship!
I really enjoyed the style of this. The little parts all seemed to work together in characterizing Remus and I think they did flow together really well in telling the meaningful moments of his life.
It ends, not with a bang, but with a whisper. First there's the pain. And then there's nothing at all - I love this line. I think this was such a poetic way to look at his death, I think you captured it so well. Beautiful job!
-JulieAuthor's Response: I'm sorry this reply is so late!
Ahaha, I have quite a soft spot for that pairing too, so I completely understand. I like both pairings equally actually, I just thought I'd go for a different take on their relationship.
Just thank you for a lovely review. It really made my day! I thought that was the best way to play his relationship with Tonks - he's still in love with Sirius, so I think he'd do a lot to supress feelings for her in this particular canon.
Thank you again! You were lovely, expecially given your OTP leanings! Report Review
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