Reading Reviews From Member: Moonyxluna
  
568 Reviews Found

Review #1, by MoonyxlunaTunnel Vision: Indecision

24th November 2014:
Hey Fin!

Ah, I loved this so much. And I love the new banner! Lily Collins is a fav of mine.

Is it weird that I already love Amy even though I haven't met her? She seems like such a sweetheart in her letters. Though I feel so bad for her concerning her parents! Hopefully they'll get with the program!

I also love that she's Hufflepuff♥

The part about Rose using the DA picture as strength was very memorable. Even though what the DA went though was physically worse, that doesn't mean that everyone has hardships and needs people to lean on. I really like the way you captured that here.

HUGO! Okay. I like this draft better still :p (so mean, Fin. I could have cried.) Despite his heartbreaking dismissal to Rose's coming out - Just as heartbreaking as him not accepting it, would be a downright refusal - I still laughed a lot at Hugo thinking it was about chess pieces. What a loser. haha.

Ah, okay. Wrapping things up, I am in love with this and I need you to go write more of it ASAP :D

I'll ttyl!

Julie

Author's Response: Hi Julie, Lily Collins is a fav of mine as well :P

No, not at all! Yeah...they'll get with the program all right...

Haha, that was funny to write and send to you though, I like this version better though. haha! don't be so quick to judge, chess might be the height of coolness at this point (;

I'll try!

:D


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Review #2, by MoonyxlunaKissing in Private: Part One

23rd November 2014:
Hi Ilia I'm here with your requested review!

(I LOVE that you have Luke Newberry as Teddy. I am obsessed with 'In the Flesh')

Teddy is adorable at his young age. I loved the little part about him being a little embarrassed by his hair. It's sad that other mean kids always ruin what's special about you! I've never really read Teddy being embarrassed/hindered by his ability. It added originality that is completely understandable that I loved!

I found it a little strange that Teddy calls Ginny 'Aunt Gin' - Ginny is already a nickname and it felt a little strange that he could pronounce 'Harry' but not 'Ginny' since they're the same letters? Maybe he's around Harry more. I just found it a little distracting.

The introduction was adorable. Kids are cruel.

You're a little comma heavy throughout this. Just something to keep an eye on to take out some of those unnatural pauses when you're writing.

I got a good chuckle at the descriptions of the 7th years. I don't understand boys who think that they have to wear sleeveless shirts/shorts when it's cold out! You don't look tough, you look stupid! haha. So, to answer your question, I did think the humor in that introduction of him flowed really naturally.

I have to say it again. Kids are mean! You write Teddy in a way that I want to give him so much sympathy, and it doesn't seem like he ever asks for it. He's just one of those kids that gets bullied and - for whatever rash reason - thinks they don't have any options about getting it taken care of.

I'm really interested in what you've done so far with Teddy's powers. In repeating myself slightly, it's really neat to see him sort of push them back, and then it all spirals out of control with his emotions and the cruel kids are able to pick on him for it. I'd love to see him develop and be able to control them as the story progresses!

She reached up and ran her fingers through my hair. I wished for time to stand still. -- aww. How adorable! It goes unwritten how deep his feelings really go towards his friend. Though, by the title, I'll have to see if his feelings stay - seemingly - one-sided, or if things change!

Oh jeez, I loved the cynical sarcasm in his own head. I didn't have any problems reading the style of writing you're working with. In this introduction I've really come to love Teddy's voice/characterization. I sympathize for him and really truly want to cheer for him as a protagonist.

TEDDY IN HUFFLEPUFF♥ - it's my head-canon one hundred percent and I absolutely love that you have it here.

I really loved the start of this, and I love Teddy. Feel free to re-request for the next chapters! I hope this was helpful!

Julie

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for reading my story! I really appreciate your time. :)

I never actually watched 'In the Flesh', but I had read that Luke Newberry was cast as Teddy, so I wanted to stick with that. Thanks!

I'm so glad you enjoy the fact that Teddy doesn't have control over his powers! When I thought about his character before I started writing, I discovered that Teddy might have more trouble with his powers than people often portray--his mother wasn't there to teach him. And I also read that Metamorphmagi often figure out their powers by trial and error, but I wanted to make it clear that Teddy was discouraged from trying based on something that had happened before. I'm glad you think it's original! Thank you so much!

I understand your point about him calling her Auntie Gin. My intention was just to add a bit of a more personal, intimate touch to his relationship with Harry and Ginny. Also I personally don't like the way "Aunt Ginny" sounds =P In my family, we have a ton of strange nicknames for my great aunts and uncles, so I thought inserting that sort of a family tradition into a story would add a sense of realism. Thank you for your input!

I'm so glad you like the characterization of Teddy I have here! I actually found that being honest and really trying to figure out what Ted as a person might be going through has helped me a lot. I'm glad you like it!

Oh, I'm so happy that you think Teddy's feelings for Victoire are adequately portrayed! I was a bit worried that it wouldn't be the sort of feeling I was hoping for, but your comments are really encouraging.

I'm thrilled that you enjoy the first-person writing and that it means you can sympathize with Teddy!

Hufflepuff forever! I just couldn't see him anywhere else, honestly. =P

Thank you so much for your review! I really appreciate your comments!


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Review #3, by MoonyxlunaThe Worst: Decisions and Discoveries

23rd November 2014:
Hey AD I'm here with your requested review! Sorry about the wait on this one! I usually don't like to make you wait this long, but NaNo has been beating me a lot :p

I really liked your intro to this story. Same with the other things I've read from you, you really capture the sense of fear that Dominique has here about werewolves, even though she's grown up knowing people close to werewolves all her life.

In chapter two I really loved the introduction/dream sequence. I definitely thought it was real! hah. One thing in that chapter I was kind of surprised about - and this isn't really cc as much as a character analysis - but the second she got out of the paralytic charm she told them that she was fine, and tried to ease their worries. It was sweet of her, and said a lot about her character. Ah, and you hit me right in the Remus feels with Dominique throwing Teddy's dad's history right back at him. heh.

I thought the little flashback in chapter three about Vic/Teddy/Dominique was really sweet. I could completely understand Dominique's panic towards her sister, and Vic was so lovely about the whole thing. It really provided a nicely placed background information for the rest of the story. I also thought Dominique's boss was kind of saccharine in the way she spoke to her; a little 'too good to be true' also. Though, I was sensing a bit of apprehension from Dominique, and it was kind of strange of her boss to just offer her compensation. Normally when accidents at work happen like that, the employee has to be the one to bring up compensation, because the job doesn't want to pay for it unless they have to. So that makes me a little suspicious because it looks like she's trying to just cover it up. I also loved the part about her looking at the bite mark; I'm hoping she'll be able to move on from it - or heal, but maybe I'm getting my werewolf mythologies in different fandoms mixed up :p - either way, I'm looking forward to it.

In chapter four the moment when Dominique finally opens up to Teddy was very sweet. I really like him so far; he seems like he's going to be a rock for her. And I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one (Teddy too) who doesn't like the way Dominique's boss spoke to her! Thought it was a little strange that Teddy - the only one she opened up to so far - left in a flurry of apologizes after telling her she was going to get more bad news. I'd think he'd want to be there.
As you are aware of, you have been bitten by a werewolf -- heh, puns. But I actually wanted to point this out because it did make me laugh unintentionally, but I also wanted to just point out that you don't really need the 'of' - if you edit. It's really minor.

And onto chapter five! As I start this chapter I'm really interested in the limitations her healer is putting on her; the child birth thing! I'm wondering how much of his medical talk is true, and how much is crafted by the ministry/healers just so werewolves won't reproduce. I don't know if that's something that you have planned into this fic, so I'll have to read on to see!

It was a sad/sweet moment with Vic/Dom/Fleur, where Fleur is promising to be there for Dominique. It was nice to see that little bit from the books where Fleur stayed by Bill coming through.

I really like how you write Dominique so far. She seems like such a real person. She's hit with this absolutely tragic thing, and as much as she seems like she wants to be strong for her family and strong for Teddy, she still is not doing well with the whole idea. It really gives her realistic qualities that I admire of you as the writer.

So, we ended on the bit of a cliffhanger about a 'decision' in chapter four. I think I was expecting a little bit more of an explanation in chapter five, if that makes sense? Or even in chapter four. We get the medical reasoning for why she can't have children, but I don't actually find out what the decision is until partway into chapter five. We have the little sentimental moment, but I was sort of distracted through it because I was confused about what the decision was supposed to be. The cliffhanger left off at four so it felt like the first sentence of chapter five should have been what the decision actually was supposed to be. I'd have liked to know a little sooner, flow-wise.

Teddy and Dominique could always adopt! It still feels a little bit like the Healers, and even her family a little, are trying to rush Dominique into making a very rash decision that could change her life forever. Surely there has to be something else that they can do to prevent pregnancy/lycanthrophy spreading? Will have to read on!

I think the jump from Dominique wanting to talk to Teddy about things, and the 'Six hours later' was a little too abrupt. We had the phrase 'six hours later' but there wasn't really any transition sentences before it to indicate that a change of scenery was about to happen. Maybe a sentence or two that she 'got to talk to Teddy' and then 'headed off for St. Mungo's', or really just something to indicate to the reader what's happening. - This wasn't really a common thing through the story; I've really enjoyed everything so far and I think everything as flowed really well, and the plot/story line is fantastic.

OH NO! Plot twist! I didn't think for one second that the Ministry could have put the charms. I was sort of under the impression that it was just the wolves that did it for their own protection/the village's protection, but that's an amazing twist if the Ministry did it, and caused the attack on purpose.

To summarize, I have really enjoyed this so far. I think you hit the meaty plot out of the park with this chapter's introductions, and I can't wait to read more. Feel free to re-request!

Julie
(ah, so close to the character limit :p)

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing!

I am pleased you liked the intro and the fear of Dominique. Yes Dominique is the kind of person who'll want to not worry the people around her so she'll be all about "I"m fine". I had a lot of Remus feels writing that bit too yeah!

I am glad you liked the flashback as well. I just wanted to show some background into Teddy/Dom's relationship through it. The boss is definitely...fishy. As for the bite mark, Dom's been scarred with it for life, so unfortunately she won't heal but she will probably come to terms with it.

I love Teddy too - he's the perfect boyfriend and I enjoy writing him so I'm glad you like his character. Thanks for pointing out that little typo, I'll fix it.

Well, in my opinion, the medical talk is true, as I did quite some research and it would be dangerous for the baby in the womb during the transformation since the uterus itself changes, so yeah.

I am happy you like the Bill/Fleur/VIc dynamic with Dom as well. It's so nice to know that you find Dom realistic, thanks.

I'll consider what you've said about the cliffhanger/decision, and see if I can edit the chapter to make the decision a bit clearer in the beginning itself.

Everyone is definitely rushing into the decision but i think it's part of the impending transformation of Dom and partly the healer's insistence. Plus Dom wants to get it over with quickly so she doesn't have to dwell on it.

Thanks for that little tip about the time jump. I'll go back and see if I can make the transition smoother.

As for who caused the attack, you'll have to wait and read.

Thanks a lot once again for all your lovely comments!


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Review #4, by MoonyxlunaPast Tense: first.

21st November 2014:
I am SO excited for this after this chapter.

I love Steph so far. I love how she sees all of the flaws in the wizarding world and counters them with what Muggles have. We have videos. Movies. Gifs. Vines. I was definitely cracking up at that.

I think your summary is really intriguing from what we've seen of her so far, with the 'chip on her shoulder'. At the moment she doesn't seem too put out by the fact that she can't do magic; I wonder if that will change at all when she actually gets to Hogwarts?

I will never look at 'parchment' the same way again. haha.

You plant all of the odd wizarding things - the names, the old traditions - in so naturally through the story, and mixed in with the pop culture references was hilarious, and it flowed so naturally that it really established her character so well.

Like I said, I am SO excited for more of this. :D

Julie

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Review #5, by MoonyxlunaReincarnation: Pain

18th November 2014:
Sana! I got really excited when you posted in my thread that you had a new chapter! I'm SO sorry for how long this took for me to review. nano+work is totally kicking my butt at the moment and I don't get a lot of time anymore! haha.

So ramble first, heh. The girl that you have casted on your banner for Rhea (Aly Michalka) is who I totally cast in my head as the main from one of my stories too. I just saw her and grinned.

Anyway! So yeah you did mention it but the spacing is distracting; that paste as plain text button is your friend! :p won't go any further on that.

I love how Rose's voice is sort of becoming the 'voice of reason' for Rhea, especially in the beginning of the chapter and interacting with Scorpius. *keeping an eye on him!*

"Freya is my twin sister. She looks sort of like you, with that blonde hair." Scorpius smiled. I'm wondering about Rhea asking here, because I thought she'd already seen the picture from Rose at Hogwarts where Freya was in the little group with Rose and the gang. Maybe I'm looking a little to into it, but would she not remember that Rose had seen her? Maybe make it a little clearer that Rhea is just learning that they're siblings there.

I really love the idea of Scorpius having siblings. It sort of breaks the chain of having 'one son' to have the Malfoy's have a second child. And I feel like there's going to be a little tension when Freya actually shows up!

*reads on*

Ah, I like that you have Rose being familiar with who Freya is. That clears it up a little. It's interesting/thought provoking that they look SO similar. It's a funny sort of 'fate' thing that Rose's mind would go to someone who looks that similar to Albus' ex (ex? they're fighting like exes but maybe they're just really unhappy. I hope Albus isn't trying to see both of them)

in this part:
An image flashed.
A kind smile on the bald man's face. "Good job, Ms. Weasley."

I'd like to have a one of two more sentences of the flashback. I almost missed it because it was only one sentence. Just another sentence or two about how she sees the man in the memory Rose throws at her.

I got a little confused why the man went from asking Rhea who her teacher was, right into saying something about Rose. I feel like it breaks the narrative wall a little bit too much. We as the reader have Rose on our mind, but this random man wouldn't be thinking about her right off the tip of his tongue to say that right after just happening to meet the girl who happens to be re-incarnated Rose. One way to get around this would be to have him say something about her taking over Rose's position, and mentioning that he missed her, or something to acknowledge why he brought the girl up.

I thought it was really sweet, the paragraph about her shifting feelings. How she'd originally thought she had feelings for Scorpius, but as she takes over from Rose bit by bit, that she has stronger feelings for Albus and sees Scorpius as a friend. I'm also interested to see how the 'friendship' will hold up as more and more of the plot develops with Rose's murder.

OMG. Her eyes! THAT IS TERRIFYING. It's not even at the level of reincarnation anymore, but possession if Rose is able to CHANGE Rhea's eye color and CONTROL her body!

"What do you want miss?" -- should be punctuated/capitalized: "What do you want, Miss?" since the 'Miss' replaces Rhea's name in the sentence.

Jeez, that ending! I'm still not 100% convinced about Scopius' guilt, because I don't think you're going to make things that easy on me. I'm definitely waiting for more of this! Keep up the lovely work, Sana.

Julie

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Review #6, by MoonyxlunaCliffhanger: Cliffhanger

17th November 2014:
Fin!

So I know I beta'd this and all but I didn't really tell you how much this just HIT me. I feel like - both of your stories I've beta'd now - they have this PTSD theme that you just know the characters have to be feeling after the War. We get the fluffy 'nineteen years later' from JKR, but there's nothing about the aftermath and the emotional turmoil that the losses leave.

In a completely morbid sounding way, I loved the 'Cliffhanger'. So very much George, which you just know was exactly what he was going for. Clever and heartbreaking.

Ah, *hugs* I'm definitely glad to help! Thanks for the lovely shout out :)

The poetic flow of the last line = LOVE. I read it in your msg back but I hadn't gotten the full picture; it definitely hit.

I also like the mention of the depression feelings coming up from the narrator of the story (Ron, but almost left open for interpretation.) Suicide has a triggering effect and you captured that so nicely.

Beautiful work on this, Fin! Definitely glad I could help!

Julie

Author's Response: Julie! ... Is the best.

So pleased it hit you because it meant that it worked a little as planned. :) I know what you mean, I find it a little too happily ever after. I would 100% read more books from JKR about how everyone recovered form the war. It would be like the best thing because it would be so believable. These are PEOPLE and they have EMOTION and I refuse to believe that every character got over the war without a couple of speed bumps.
She didn't rule that out in the epilogue but she didn't even hint at it either.

Thank you, so happy you picked that out.

No problem!

I loved the line so much when I thought of it I actually got out of bed and wrote it down so I didn't forget it and then I deleted a sentence as you know. I think I made the right decision. :)

I wrote it as Ron but the further I got in to it the less it actually mattered which brother it was that was speaking because it could have been any of them.

Thanks for the review and the beta, you are to awesome.

:D


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Review #7, by MoonyxlunaHere We All Go: On The Train

13th November 2014:
Hey I'm here from the Hufflepuff review tag!

I love the idea of starting out seeing Scorpius' point of view of the little Harry and Draco moment, and seeing what Scorpius knows of Harry just from hearing things. I think that was a really neat introduction!

I think it's interesting that Draco just automatically says that Scoripus is going to be in Slytherin; we do know that the Malfoys have been in Slytherin forever, but even with Draco growing up. Some things never change! lol. It's still fun to see Draco as a parent.

I was kind of surprised that Scorpius put everything on the line right as he met the other first years! He seemed really hesitant of it; I'm kind of wondering why he just /didn't/ bring it up, not say anything until he had to. I did think it was very sweet of the other kids to not think anything different of Scorpius for it, though.

Agatha is very interesting so far. I feel like she has a lot more interesting things coming to her characterization; I'll have to read on! You also do a good job writing Jacob's apprehensions about being separated from his sister. Very sweet.

I was very surprised by the twins' sorting! I like that Jacob has that Neville-esque personality that I can't wait to see more from him. And yay Hufflepuff for his sister. And Scorpius! Sat up there for quite a bit, didn't he? Very different than his dad's sorting.

This was a very neat little start of Hogwarts! The one thing I guess I would like to see is a little bit more of a conclusion? I actually went and checked back because this feels like the start of a longer story instead of a one-shot. It sort of ended and made me want/need more information (same as Agatha, I suppose!), versus concluding for me.

Anyway! This was very sweet.

Julie

Author's Response: Thank you, I (Georgina) was waiting for a review.

I thought it was a nice place to start since that's were we last saw Scorpius in the books, and I wanted to explore his perspective.

Our Draco is very proud and expects certain things out of his son, but at least he tries to be a good parent.

Scorpius has grown up his entire life being yelled at/rejected for who he is. This is the first time he ever had to tell another what 'Malfoy' meant. Besides, something about Agatha makes people want to trust her.

Agatha is mystery in the form of a character. I can tell you more about her if you message me in the forums. I related to Jacob being close to his sister; I was like that with Freda (though we're not twins).

Oh, good, you didn't see that coming. Jacob isn't necessarily our Neville-character in NextGen, and Ruthie was just a sweetheart who belonged in Hufflepuff. Freda actually created these characters when we needed another boy in Gryffindor, and I wanted to write about his relationship to the twin we rarely see in our novella. Scorpius is one of two Hatstalls in his year, the other of which becomes Albus' best friend. He is not Draco, as you can see.

Sorry about that, we had to keep it rather open-ended to not ruin our Novella or other NextGen stories. For further reading on Scorpius I suggest chapter 14 of Albus Potter and the Stone Mark and his chapter of Just Another Picnic. And just so you know, we ship Agatha and Scorpius. :)

Thank you for the beautiful review!
--Georgina


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Review #8, by MoonyxlunaWhat next?: Chapter Three

9th November 2014:
I AM NOT AT WORK ANYMORE :D

Idk, I felt like announcing that. I am happy that I am away from that dreadful place and get to come home and read this!

AH I love that Professor Flitwick is the Headmaster! and the general just 'ugh' from the seventh year student body as they all already have to be filling out NEWT paperwork. I also loved the addition of the random student 'horror story' as a threat from him! It adds to the 'verse that you've created for this story by establishing little 'canon-to-you' things like that. Very neat!

Ruth! haha. I just got this mental image of her with her face plastered against the table just whining and I just can't stop smiling.

Oh, Hermione. I know I mentioned this in previous reviews, but I love the way you write Hermione as the overbearing parent. I really don't see her ever being a 'cool mom' and it fits very well with her character that she tries to set things up "just to help" Rose, and it ends up just stressing Rose out instead of helping at all.

Rose's little mention of school getting over and /never/ seeing Malfoy again made me chuckle a little bit. I love little foreshadowing things like that where you just know the exact opposite is going to happen.

Random, but I love the name Jem for a character. Trying to remember back if he was mentioned (briefly, I think?), but he's hilarious (*heart eyes* for the tattoos :p). I love how you set up individual characterizations for you characters so seamlessly. I feel like I know them so instantly after meeting them because they're just going about their day and their personalities shine through so well.

I am cracking up at the mess of the ministry forms. It's a really minor detail you threw in, but it's so wonderful. All of your humor flows so naturally.

I MEAN... Rose had to expect the three reactions when she tried to talk badly about Quidditch! haha.

Interesting, the part about Ruth asking about the spells not taught in class. I'm not sure how much Rose should be just brushing it off as Ruth's normal behavior. I will definitely have to stash that away in the memories for later!

Little bit of CC! (don't we love it.) I'd like to see a little bit smoother of a transition into Rose's memories about meeting Ruth. It was described, but it almost felt a little bit too blunt, if that makes any sense? Like, I think it'd flow into the memory a little smoother if you said something like "As I watched Ruth try to transfigure the pot, I was reminded of the first time I ever met her" (that was a terrible example. Don't use that. haha. I am tired :p) Just something so we mask a little bit of that abrupt-ness.

:D I love the little 'Hermione' in Rose that is fascinated by the Muggle objects. And the memory was lovely! It really described their friendship very well, how Ruth still always seemed like a very closed off person around Rose, and Rose's apprehensions about that.

You can really just feel the awkwardness that Rose is feeling as she explains to Scorpius and Jeanie why she's just randomly in the same corridor as they are. It's so fun and brilliant to read :D

OH NO!

That buildup was fantastic. I was so caught up in the 'will-they won't-they' push and pull from their argument that my jaw kind of dropped a little when Jonathan showed up. How could you leave me like this!?

I think this sentence: This was the final moment, I understood much later - was such a lovely, self-aware line. I loved that little moment where she realizes what's going on and she sort of catches up with herself.

Andy, this was fantastic. I am absolutely in love with this story and cannot wait to read more :D I will definitely be pestering you on your progress on chapter four and beyond! I'm normally not much of a Scorpius/Rose fanatic, but this is such a refreshing story that I am really loving the whole tension build up between the two. I love all of the characters and cannot wait to hear more from them!

Julie

(Ah I didn't even see your note! *hugs* I'm so glad that I could be of help to you! I can't wait for more!)

Author's Response: Julie! Aah, this review is so amazing I still can't believe it. All of your reviews are so wonderfully detailed and encouraging - thank you so much!

The intro with you not being at work anymore made me smile, especially because I started picturing your work space as hell itself. :P

Okay, I'll try to make this response as coherent as possible. I'm glad that you like Flitwick as Headmaster! I loved him in HP, he was such a great character and I really wanted to have him here, although he might be really old by 2024. But I casually ignored that possibility. :)

It's a relief to hear that the 'canon to me' things aren't unwelcome. I'm constantly afraid of reprecussions for adding too much of my own things, instead of recycling canon stuff. But anyway, that whole thing, with the paperwork and Ruth being annoyed by it was so fun to write! I'm happy you liked it! :)

I can't imagine Hermione ever being a 'cool mom' either! She's hard to write because I can only write about her through Rose's thoughts and Rose is quite biased. But I'm glad it's evident that she is really just trying to help (but is sadly not succeeding in it). :)

''where you just know the exact opposite is going to happen'' -- But do we know that, Julie? Who knows what I have planned for these two? Muahaha! :P (Seriously though, I'm glad you liked that paragraph!)

Woo, Jem! The reason why I chose this name for him is so unbelievably stupid. He didn't have a name for a long time and then I wrote this one scene which involved a really silly pun that required him to be named Jem (the scene will appear in like, the 20th chapter, haha.) He is mentioned in the first chapter but only in the edited version (and I think that you've read the unedited one). I love writing scenes with him and I'm so happy you liked him! And yay for tattoos - I just thought it would be so cool if the option of changing your tattoo existed in real life. :D

Ah, the part about the characters and their personalities made me smile so much! Seriously, I've grown so attached to them that it's nice to hear that someone enjoys reading about their daily lives. This is probably how every author feels but I just wanted to point it out. :)

And aah, another compliment! I do like to write humourous stories so it's great to hear it sounds natural. Thank you!

Ruth asking about the spells is quite an important scene so I'm glad you decided to stash it for later. :D And I love CC, really. I do see what you mean about the transition, I will definitely go and add a line or two to make it smoother. Thank you, I honestly appreciate every bit of constructive criticism I get. After all, it's the best way to improve. :)

Ah, that memory! I'm so glad it depicted their friendship well. Ruth's plotline is probably the most thought-out part of this story and I really hope you'll like what I had in mind for her. I would honestly love to hear your opinions regarding the developement of their friendship (okay, not in the next two chapters because there won't be much of Ruth there, but later on).

Ugh, that argument! You can't believe how relieved I am to hear that, seeing how I wasn't really satisfied with how angsty it turned out to be. But I'm sorry for the cliffhanger! It's the wordcount's fault, not mine! :P

I don't have words to describe my excitment over reading the last paragraph of your amazing review. Thank you for reading this, for being so involved in it (the pestering might be crucial for me to finish the fourth chapter) and for sharing your thoughts and suggestions. It means so much to me, especially now that I know this isn't what you usually read. I sincirely appreciate you taking your time to write this and I hope you will enjoy the rest of the story! :)

Andy


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Review #9, by MoonyxlunaHunger: Hunger

8th November 2014:
Hi Ellie! I'm here with your requested review!

I LOVE WEREWOLVES. (let me just start out by saying..) so I was really excited for this right away!

You put the reader directly into the chase of the story, and it dragged me right in! I love your imagery from the wolf's perspective, and how the descriptions are slightly animalized from the way he sees her. It's very vivid and blunt descriptions that match what I would expect from 'the wolf'.

I love the Little Red Riding Hood-esque theme with the Harry Potter twist! Added with a dash (or, a few dashes. heh.) of horror, this was really nicely put together!

There were one or two spots, punctuation wise, where I would have liked a semi-colon instead of commas, and you were a touch comma heavy, but there was nothing really consistently wrong on that front, which made this flow really nicely reading-wise, and made it very enjoyable!

I have mixed feelings because in the books Fenrir Greyback was a villain, and ruthless one, but I really love his characterization here. (This could also be extensive hours of Teen Wolf extorting my view on werewolves. haha) I love how he sort of reclaims the title 'The Wolf' as his own, and uses it with a sense of pride.

This was amazing! Thanks for requesting it; I really enjoyed reading it!

Julie

Author's Response: Hey Julie,

I'm glad yo enjoyed it. I know what you mean about the commas, I have a tendency to overuse them a lot. I will edit and work on that. Originally this did start out a a LRRH story for another fan site but I never finished it and then it just popped into my head to make it Hp too =)

Thanks fore reviewing!

~Ellie


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Review #10, by MoonyxlunaThrough the Black: First First Date

8th November 2014:
Hey I'm here for chapter three! I'm sorry about the wait on this review! I got a little caught up in NaNo and - as always - my job just kind of decides to take over my life a lot.

Mentioning my exhaustion before I start, I just want to 'reply-reply' to your review response about the general plot from last time. As soon as I read your answer about the 'coming of age' it jumped back in my mind that you'd already mention that. So with that, I will definitely not pester you about the plot here all too much :D

Here we go!

I think I already mentioned this previously, but I love love all of the mentions of class work and homework. It really brings a sense of the books in when I remember how much Harry and Ron used to complain about homework, to see that come through here. I love it!

Oh, Cameron. haha!

"What did you need to ask," she prodded -- I'm kind of a nut about punctuation (not by example in my reviews..) so I just noticed that you wouldn't need a comma here since it's a question. You have everything right as far as the d.tag and the lowercase, but I just noticed this one!

Anyway! Cameron. Cameron! Awkward, brave little soul. Julianne has this certain presence about her (thanks to your brilliant characterization of her) that makes me think Cameron must be very brave to even attempt! AH! and I - for some reason - definitely didn't expect her to say yes! ah, I can't wait to see what happens.

The only thing I can really comment on is that I'd have liked to see a touch bit more of emotion from Julianne in that scene. Whether it be stunned, shy (though I doubt that), just something to explain what she was feeling. Julianne['s perspective] describes the surprise that Nettie is having, but her own reaction gets lost, and I feel like she would have some sort of initial reaction one way or another.

I lol'd a little bit that Julianne deflected about Cameron with the joke about Nettie. I just love her! I love how she manages to hold her own against even the marauder boys! She's a tough cookie.

I kind of (absolutely) love Cameron. He's so adorable and awkward. (and he's a Beater. *heart eyes*) The awkwardness that he has, even through the eyes of the collected Julianne, is so adorable. I love how Julianne just takes the reigns and makes the conversation flow.

Going to keep an eye on this 'massive crush' that Julianne so casually brought up, without a name... :p

Ah, James and Sirius. Take the cookies and still preform their little tricks. I feel like right now it's just a hazing of sorts to Cameron, so I'm curious if/for how long they're going to continue going about this, or if they'll give up when they see that Julianne is serious.

Boys. That's all I'm going to say on that topic. (other than that it was hilarious.)

I do like that we got a little bit more of an explanation on the story behind Julianne and Lily's feud. It made me laugh because it seems very like Julianne to not want to apologize and then enjoy holding a grudge against the other girl, and have Lily enjoy holding one back.

Cheating a little and knowing that this is headed in the direction of a Sirius/OC, I love the tiny bit of a something that you set up between Julianne and Sirius at the end of the chapter. Him dropping the book, apologizing (which seems big for him), and generally being a little bit too curious about her and Cameron's relationship all add up to some very fun tensions building. I also love the dynamic between James and Julianne, and Remus and Julianne. You set up each of their friendships individually so well, and the dynamic changes so flawlessly from her being around a certain one of them, to 'The Marauders' group, that it's such a joy to read.

I am so excited to read more of this! I love the little push forward we got here with the pace/plot, and I cannot wait to see what happens next!

Julie

Author's Response: Don't worry about taking your time with this! NaNo is kicking my butt too, especially with trying to balance my first semester of college with it. And before I go any further, I just realized after stalking your profile last time you reviewed that you are the author of Knock on Wood, which is one of my favorite fanfics, and I most definitely fangirled a lot when I found that out.

Anyway,

Yes, homework! Sometimes I feel like I'm putting it in too much, but that's just as much part of Julianne's character as anything else, so I'm glad it feels like it's coming off as natural.

Cameron is a character I never intended to love, but he quickly became one of my favorites. I just love everything about him and he is one of those characters that just started to take on a life of their own once I started writing him. He is definitely a favorite among my friends that have read the story.

Yes, the boys. Stupid, overprotective boys haha

As for Lily and Julianne, that's why I was so surprised that everyone seemed so interested in it when all I had was just a brief, on paragraph explanation of it. But I have added in a but more interaction between the two of them, so hopefully I'm able to expand that more.

And the relationship between James and Julianne is something that I really love. Originally, when I started this story over three years ago, I never even considered that option, but I figured it'd give me an interesting dynamic between Julianne and the Marauders and it just grew and it definitely is going to feature a lot more heavily as the story goes on.

I'm so glad you're enjoying this so much! I know it shouldn't matter, but it really helps motivate me when I know people are enjoying what I'm writing!


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Review #11, by MoonyxlunaMonster: Monster

29th October 2014:
Hi AD I'm here with your requested review!

I really love the voice that you give each one of the ages here. The last line on each one of the parts really defines that age so perfectly. I particularly loved the one at the teenage, how even in their own head they just have this internal monologue of self-awareness.

The horror theme of this was lovely. The whole time reading it, it felt like there was something constantly sitting behind the narrator's back that was terrifying them. Great work on that part!

Until.. you know.. that actually happens :D Definitely terrifying!

I'm a little bit on the fence about the cc I'd like to give, so forgive the ramble that probably won't end up making sense. :p I'd really love to see a touch more in each section, but at the same time I really like how 'to the point' this becomes. So if this was something that you're looking to expand on, I'd like to see a little bit more detail about some of the feelings she's having. (I hope this makes sense.. a little. heh.)

I loved the shift of the story/theme with the last line, how she immediately grasps becoming a vampire, and doesn't go through a grief process.

This was a fantastic, suspenseful piece, great work on it!

Julie

Author's Response: Hey! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!

I am glad you liked the voices I gave the ages, and the overall horror theme. It's awesome to hear that it was kinda terrifying as that was my aim!

You definitely make sense - I was going for the less is more thing, to the point as you say, but I might just go back and edit and include some more description and details =)

The way I see it, as soon as she becomes a vampire, her human emotions are 'turned off', she doesn't grieve, she doesn't feel, all she has in her head is need for blood and to serve her master (the vampire who turned her).

Thanks =)


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Review #12, by MoonyxlunaThrough the Black: Headaches

29th October 2014:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review for chapter two!

So first off, going off of your response from last chapter's review. (Why I absolutely love when people reply back to my reviews :D heh) I was kind of thinking about how you mentioned you didn't want to really have Lily in the story. I don't really think that's a bad thing, but I'm not necessarily a fan of that meaning that they don't like eachother? If that makes sense. I'm much more for them just being casual classmates where they acknowledge eachother's existence, and that's it. Though, it's your choice. ;)

I love Julianne's characterization. I think I said this in the last review but I really love how everything about her is shown to me, that you don't spend any time sitting and telling me little things, that I'm just learning about her as I read the story. I like the little bit more on Ivory here too, how she seems to be a little bit more bookish, but that they still get along and are friends.

As we make our way through the next few chapters, I'd like to see a tiny (really, I do mean tiny, as you've got a fantastic start here) bit more characterization wise on some of her other friends. Chalk this down to me being exceptionally interested, but I would really love to see some more from all of these wonderful characters!

Heh. It's got to be a bit of a thing for Hogwarts students to actually see someone injured. I can definitely see where her annoyance is coming from by everyone asking her if she is okay! (and also adding to her characterization)

Aw, Cameron was so awkward and adorable. And I love how immediately defensive Julianne gets, and how it turns out that her friends were just teasing her. They (Ivory and Julianne) have a very lovely friendship dynamic.

I love love love that you have your characters in ACTUAL classes, and you're actually making an effort to write lessons. It makes me so happy to see that. And tackling a subject like Arithmancy! Love it.

While I'm at it with the gushing compliments, I really like the setup you have - intertwined in Julianne's personality - that she seems like she has some troubles dealing with Anxiety about getting all of her classwork done. She seems like she masks it a little bit with a snarky attitude, but it's been a bit of a theme in her internal monologue that she's worrying about her paperwork. It really gives her a realistic quality that makes me really love her character. I'm really looking forward to seeing how you're going to explore this quality in the upcoming chapters.

"Thank fast," a voice said from in front of her -- supposed to say "think fast" I believe, if/when you edit. This was one of the only things I noticed mistake wise; everything else flowed really smoothly, reading wise.

Dialogue/prose flow wise, I don't think you have anything to worry about. I'm really enjoying the abundance of classes you're putting them in, and all of the tiny sub-plots going on. I really loved James in that part, giving her the advice about looking at transfiguration differently. It definitely intertwines with the summary of the story about not just Ravenclaws being smart!

Pacing wise, I do find myself, now that we're in chapter two, looking for a little bit of the major plot. I think it added to it a bit with the mentions of the death eaters and the upcoming war and all of that general marauders jazz, but I'm still finding myself looking for this specific story's general antagonist. Now that we've established some of the characters and gotten a good feel for them, I'm looking for the central motivation of the story. (I hope this makes sense!)

Going off of what I mentioned at the top of this review, I find it interesting that Julianne immediately defended James concerning his feelings towards Lily. It's another lovely characteristic about her that, her personal feelings towards Lily aside, that she can see past that enough to still defend her friend.

Okay, at the end! I am enjoying this story so much and I'm so happy you requested it so I found it. Please, please request for the next chapter when you get it all written and posted! I really love what you have started here and am excited to see what's going to happen next!

Julie

Author's Response: Oh, wow, this is such a fantastic review!

Starting off with Julianne and Lily, at one point during the brainstorming process, they were really close friends and then somehow it changed to Julianne and James having that almost brother/sister relationship. So I definitely see where you're coming from, I think I mention a bit more back story between them in chapter three very briefly, but I definitely change it up a bit in later chapters, adding in more Lily the more time she spends with the Marauders and my hope is that it becomes more apparent that Julianne being friends with James puts her Lily off a bit too. But that relationship is definitely a work in progress, so thank you for your input on it!

I'm so glad that you like the characterization so far! I always get nervous about how people perceive my characters, so I'm glad that I'm doing it right and they read how I pictured them in my head! And there is more elaboration coming for Nettie and Kassie down the road for sure!

Plot wise, yeah, I agree, it has been really slow and that is more than likely because I felt like I needed to set everything up first. But I did sit down and plan out a pretty good list of plot points to use, so hopefully that changes in later chapters. And I sort of see this as a coming-of-age story, so there's not one specific antagonist that you can point to and say "He's the bad guy," but there are definitely future plot points that should add a but of conflict to the story.

Like I said before, this was such a fantastic review and I don't think I've stopped smiling since I read it. I'm so glad that you enjoy the story so much, it really gives me the motivation to keep going! I will definitely be back as soon as the next chapter is validated! Thank you so much!


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Review #13, by Moonyxlunaonce upon a fairytale: The Werewolf

29th October 2014:
Hey Isobel!

This looked WAY too cute to pass up, and then you just topped it off with being wolfstar that I had to come check it out :)

Oh god, I love love love the way you connected the first book with the part about the Dursleys being the 'perfectly normal in ever way' and made the town like that. Cute cute!

Even though it's a (wonderful, adorable, brilliant) AU, I still love that you have Remus holding on to that characterization that he just wants to fit in and be normal. Maybe a handsome prince will show him that there's more to life than fitting in? Don't mind me as I casually stalk this story for an update :D

I am absolutely in love with the style of this story. I love hint of snark in the narrator's voice, and how it feels like this could be a story passed on for ages.

Oh gosh, your author's note just made this SO much better, the thought of it being narrated by JamesII.

This was wonderful. My heart is a melted puddle on the floor. I have no idea what I'm going to do when Sirius makes his noble appearance in the next chapter. And when they meet? I will die. I loved it so much, and I cannot wait to read more of this. Keep up the wonderful work!

Julie

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Review #14, by MoonyxlunaYour Life, Your Love: Sink or Swim

28th October 2014:
Hey Joey! Here with your requested review!

But how do I even start reviewing this!? You take their story and put such a poetic flow to it that it gives this wonderful vision of their whole life, all wrapped up in 800 words.

Your word dictation is flawless. Every sentence flowed so perfectly through their story; this was so absolutley wonderful I just want to sit and read it again.

I love the characterization we get of Albus here. He seems so humble, just talking about how Destiny came in and took over his heart and his life, and how perfectly okay he was with that.

I have absolutley no CC for you. (I looked.) Really, this was lovely.

(Ah this review is so short.) I wish I could be of more help to you, but honestly this was so wonderful. Thanks for requesting it, and keep up the brilliant work!

Julie

Author's Response: Hi Julie!

I'm so happy that you liked this so much! I was writing the intro paragraph to this story and I just got kind of caught up in it and it started writing a lot like poetry. And then I was like, OH WELL HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE A POET ANYWAY. It's MicroFiction, so I decided that I'd briefly visit each of the important times in their relationship, in order to use the brevity as an actual device.

I'm so excited that the diction was good because I wrote this all the way through and didn't really make any big changes looking back over it. These are basically the first words that came to mind. The flow is extremely important to this because I added in a whole lotta meter. I wanted it to have a slight rhythm and I also may have added in a few instances of rhyme by accident as well.

I would definitely say that Albus was humbled by Destiny. I'm glad that the relationship was portrayed well since that makes the ending hold a bit more resonance.

I love no CC haha. You've given me a lot more confidence in this story. Thank you for this wonderful review!


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Review #15, by MoonyxlunaVelvet Hands: Velvet Hands

27th October 2014:
ANDY! Even though you are on the OTHER TEAM in the common room, *shifty eyes* I still couldn't resist coming and reading what you wrote!

The sky is ripped open and rain is pouring from the gash with the force of arrows meant to kill. -- can I just gush for a second about how much I LOVE THIS SENTENCE!? Holy amazing imagery. Your writing is always so well put together, I can't help but instantly fall into the story.

I love your take on The Fat Friar. He's so polite and kind towards Rosmerta, and seems to be concerned about her, and wanting to help her find her niece. Your characterizations are flawless.

I haven't read too many non-linear fics, but I'm very interested in Mina, and what kinds of developing feelings are happening between her and Rosmerta. I love how you so very subtly hint at the way she makes Rosmerta feel, and maybe think twice about her. It's not too much at once, and gives just the right level of emotion.

AH I just love him. Every sentence he says is just SO exactly something that I'd picture him saying, it's just giving SUCH wonderful characterization to him. (Excuse my excessive use of capital letters. I am in love with this and I'm a third of the way through.)

I absolutely adore the the section of Mina's travels, and the phrase 'a patchwork person' - it really resonated with me and created such a lovely characterization and description of her. You're building such a lovely something between them. And the kiss! I love that you made it a little bit of a cultural thing for Mina, but it became so instantly meaningful all over again when she explained her reasoning.

OH GOD are you trying to break my heart!? WHYY? I was sitting here laughing and listening to the Friar's story about scaring kids, and laughing about 'Megan and Gary', and then you just completely drop that bomb of the fact that he can't remember his little sister's name after all the years. HEARTBROKEN, ANDY!

And, we get to the big reveal, of sorts. I had my suspicions going in that Mina wasn't alive anymore in the present day part of the story, but it's quite an interesting twist that she brought Vera with her, and now she's gone with just Rosemerta to look after her.

You write the feeling that death leaves in the people around it so beautifully. Your descriptions are absolutely amazing and they are such a pleasure to read. You should be so very, very proud of this. It was such a joy to read. I laughed and wanted to cry all in one story.

I really cannot wait to read more from you! I'll talk to you soon!

Julie

Author's Response: Julie! I wanted to reply to your review the minute I read it but my laptop's internet connection was broken and I cannot type on my cellphone for the life of me. But here I am now!

Hahah, this introduction makes me laugh every time I read it (*shifty eyes* :D). But I am SO happy you decided to read this fic, even though we are, technically speaking, mortal enemies. :P

About your review! Here's the thing. The story was in the queue for about 10 days and when it was validated, I decided to re-read it, just to refresh my memory. And I didn't like what I'd read, at all. All I could see were mistakes, bland language and the initial idea being badly executed... I honestly thought about deleting it from the archives. (I'm sure I'm not the only one who gets self-conscious about their writing!)

The next morning, I clicked on my hpff account, expecting nothing... and there it was! The most amazing review! Every review I received so far made me very happy but this one really made me change the way I feel about my own writing. Seriously, if someone had walked in when I was reading it, I would probably have to say that something fell into my eye. I was truly touched. THANK YOU. Seriously, thank you.

Now onto the response. :)

I love it when readers quote the sentences they liked in the story! And I'm so happy you chose that one! I'm still a bit shy with using descriptive language so it was really great to see such a positive reaction to it. And I know you said in your first review (on my ScoRose) how you liked my writing style but the part about my writing always being put together was kind of a shock! This whole review has so many compliments, I'm a bit overwhelmed. I'm just so grateful you even bothered reading this, let alone saying so many lovely things about it! :)

The Friar! I'm glad you liked my portrayal of him! I had such a great time writing him. And here you go again with another HUGE compliment and here I go again with not knowing what to say! Except that I don't mind capital letters at all! :D

You know, 'so very subtly' is exactly what I was aiming for. I didn't want to make their relationship anything dramatic or god-forbid 'love at first sight' but just something that evolved from mutual comfort and some sort of natural understanding. And Mina's stories! The paragraph about Mina and her sister eating figs was the first paragraph I'd written for the story and I think Mina's entire character kind of sprang up from that one scene.

OK, so I'm kind of proud of the patchwork person bit - it's actually my favourite sentence in this story. I'm just so happy you pointed it out! :D

I'm sorry about the little sister! But I'm glad you had such a strong reaction to that part! Hahah, authors are mean people. But really, it's such a crucial part of the plot so I can't help but feel good about your reaction. =) And Megan and Gary, yay, that part was fun to write!

The last third of the story was my main concern because it involves death and that is not something I saw myself writing about. I tried avoiding it but I just couldn't think of a plausible way for Mina to leave Rosmerta, not with the strain in the relationship she had with her family. And I imagined the two of them being in love so that was another reason Mina wouldn't leave her just like that. I am just SO relieved you thought I did a good job with it. And the fact that you were suspicious of it was great to hear! It definitely wasn't meant to be a huge surprise, more like a final confirmation.

Oh, Julie, this last paragraph. You are so encouraging and kind and you really made me appreciate this story more. Thank you so much again; this review didn't just made my day, it made my entire week! :)

Andy

P.S. Sorry this was so unbelievably long!



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Review #16, by MoonyxlunaWhere I Belong: Next to You

27th October 2014:
Review Tag!

Woo another slash challenge entry! I've sort of made it a mini goal to read all of the entries, so I had to snag this opportunity.

Aw, Theodore, hasn't anyone ever told you you shouldn't walk away angry? I love the feelings you establish right away, how he knows he was in the wrong and he's just letting it bother him because all he wants to do is go home and apologize. Cute!

I don't really think you need to label flashbacks. I kind of get why you did it, but if anything it's a little bit more distracting than it would be to just have the text in italics. Something to think about formatting wise if you edit!

I do like them, though. Saying something so final like threatening a breakup over a dish has to just eat away at him a little bit, and it's nice to sort of see the whole story intertwined together.

You really get a good sense of Theo's feelings when we get to the flashback from Hogwarts. It's kind of heartbreaking and sweet that William is so above his league that Theodore thinks it's a joke. Cute to see his little crush poking through.

AWW THAT KISS! So cute. I love love love how it completely met Theodore's expectations and still managed to blow him away at the same time.

I love how you ended things with the make up scene. It was, along with the rest of this fic, all so emotional and just a really cute look into Theodore and William's relationship. Lovely work on this!

Julie

Author's Response: Hey Julie,

Thank you for the lovely review from review tag. I'm glad you like it!

I was trying to make the argument about quite a trivial topic, although I was worried that maybe I went a little overboard. I'm not very good at the fluff side of romance and I know that I don't describe the kiss for long at all so I'm super happy that you liked it!

Just to let you know I have sent an edit off without the flashback labels. Thanks for the advice. :)

Thanks again.

-Becca.


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Review #17, by Moonyxlunanotes on freefalling.: sunbeams

25th October 2014:
Hey Maia!

When I heard Astoria/Parvati I had to check this out. It's been open on my tabs for like a week now (boo work).

God, the pretty girl always finds you at your worst moment, doesn't she? I love how you set the two up, creating the tiny bit of a feelings pedestal that Astoria puts Pavarti on. You really create some wonderful characterization for Astoria right in that first moment. Also, nice touch with the baby waking up as soon as she talks :p

Really little touch, but I love that you have Lavender standing tall after her war experience. In my own head (other than fiercely defending her) I always think of that as a moment in her life that really helped define herself. I loved seeing that play out here.

I love the theme in the second part how they're sort of getting back to normal. Astoria perfectly points out how petty it is to be bickering about little things now that they're back and trying to bring things to a 'normal'; when really school is going to be a bit like that, and that can be their normal. Still, cute little bonding with Parvati.

You set up some lovely contrasts between Astoria and Draco's failing marriage and the tensions between Parvati and her. You're definitely convincing me of this ship! Aww, and cute little jealousy/relief when Parvati talks about Lavender being married. I love the little relief she feels.

Even with the style of the story being in littler parts, I still wanted to shout 'finally!' when they got their act together.. the buildup was fantastic, and the emotion in when they're in bed together after was so beautifully written. You knew it all had to come out eventually, and I love how Parvati sort of instantly becomes her rock.

Let me just gush a little bit about the symbolism with the yellow walls before I run off! Very cute. This was all so lovely and you've definitely made a shipper out of me! Such a joy to read.

Julie

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Review #18, by MoonyxlunaThe Fates Design: Return to Hogwarts

23rd October 2014:
Hey Jenn! Here with your requested review! I'm super excited to see what you've come up with.

Aw, Lily's got a little crush. I'm wondering what you plan on doing with this. Right now it seems like she sort of just has an infatuation with him, so I'm interested to see how you plan on developing her/them in the future chapters.

I really like Lily's characterization so far. She's a little sister but she definitely seems like she has a little bit of fire right in the beginning. The only thing I'm a bit wary of is the part about Rose being the typical "Head-Girl-super-smart-perfect-boyfriend" - it tends to be something that people characterize Rose under because of Hermione, so just keep it in mind to still make her her own person. Albus was very funny, too.

There were a few missing punctuation marks and I saw a couple of awkward sentences. It was definitely nothing that took away from the flow in that aspect, but if you edit take another look at those. Otherwise the overall flow of this introduction seemed to work very well!

I'm really interested in what the summary said about 'fates'. I'm wondering if you meant it to be a turn of words, or if you're going to be divulging into the idea of Fates from mythology a little bit. I think that'd be really neat to explore!

Albus! What an awful big brother, going through all of her stuff. haha. I'm looking forward to seeing more of him tormenting her through the story.

Before I say this next bit, I want you to know that I mean it in an absolute good way and this is not a bad thing. Lily seems a little childish here, with the snorting at what Rose was saying at breakfast and giving sneering looks towards the couple. It definitely gives her character more of a realistic vibe, because sometimes you just need to be hurt about those feelings, and you don't act them out in the best way. It sets up the opportunity for some character development with her, to see how she's going to deal with things in the future chapters and life.

So we have that little bit at the end where Scorpius is suddenly angry, and he's with another girl from Slytherin. I really think you've got an interesting introduction here! There wasn't too much that actually happened, but you did a wonderful job introducing everyone and setting up some feelings early on. Very enjoyable! I do hope you plan on continuing this soon. Let me know when the next chapter is posted!

Talk to you soon!
Julie

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Review #19, by MoonyxlunaThrough the Black: Trying to get Ahead

23rd October 2014:
Hi I'm here with your requested review!

Right off the bat we get a really wonderful introduction of Julianne. I really enjoyed that you didn't sit and tell me that she wasn't exactly a star pupil, that we just see her sighing and rolling her eyes at Professor McGonnagal. Who, I should add, has very well-characterized dialogue that I enjoyed.

I also particularly enjoyed that James and 'the gang' weren't super constantly riled up. I liked that he and Sirius were some of the first ones in the class to figure out the spell, and it seemed like - except for the comment towards Julianne - they were either paying attention or actually gifted in Transfiguration.

Behind her, James and Sirius, who was sitting next to him, started snickering. - with the comma placement in this sentence it reads really awkwardly. I'd suggest changing them around or putting hyphens to look like this: Behind her, James and Sirius - who was sitting next to him - started snickering.

Dialogue, dialogue. I actually didn't have any problems reading through the Dialogue here. I actually think your spoken parts flowed really well. If there was anything I could comment on (and this truthfully is me stretching since you wanted it mentioned) I'd like a little bit more parts in the prose: talking about what they're doing and to get a little bit more of Julianne's point of view during some of the lulls in conversation. Again though, stretching :p I think your writing really flows wonderfully.

I really like how you set up the friendship between Sirius and Julianne. I didn't get too many romantic vibes from them at this moment, but I always like seeing the friendships build up first anyway. I also like that it's already established here, as if we're just entering her life on a normal day at Hogwarts.

At the first time jump I'd like to see a little bit more of a transition sentence. We end off with Julianne and Sirius settling down to study, and then there is the jump, and she's just studying with Ivory and Kassie. Even just something little like "Later that afternoon..." or "Sirius eventually left, and..." just something to indicate where they are at the moment and what's happened.

Hmm.. little bit of tension between Lily and Julianne, hey? I'm wondering what happened between the two because it seems like Lily is perfectly fine towards Ivory and Kassie. Either way Julianne doesn't seem like it bothers her too much.

Quidditch! I absolutely loved the Quidditch. It was fast paced and interesting, seeing the team get all put together. And what an ending, with a nice old bat to the face. I love that she still manages to put out a snarky reply. :p

I didn't get too much of a main plot here; I got the upcoming OWLS and I'm seeing a little bit of a development with the Lily issue and the Quidditch, but I'll definitely be looking for more of the main one in the upcoming chapters. Feel free to re-request when you get the next chapter posted; I really enjoyed this!

Julie

Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to do this!

I've never really used hyphens in my writing, I've always preferred commas, as you can probably tell, but that definitely makes it flow better, you are absolutely right.

The time jump was supposed to be a day or so if I remember correctly, so it's good that you pointed out the confusion, I'll definitely make sure to address that when I get around to editing.

The plot is still a work in progress. It's supposed to end up being a sort of coming-of-age story that covers 5th through 7th year and a bit after, so I have vague plot points, but at this point, it's very relationship heavy.

I definitely didn't think that so many people would be interested in the disagreement between Julianne and Lily haha. It was kind of a cop out so I didn't have to worry about trying to incorporate her into the story as much, but now I'm thinking I need to expand it even more!

Thank you so much for your review! It makes my day to hear that people enjoy what I've written. I'll definitely be stopping by again with future chapters! Thanks again!


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Review #20, by MoonyxlunaHaunted: the grave

23rd October 2014:
Hey Isobel! Here with your requested review for chapter two!

I feel ashamed as a femmeslash enthusiast that I've never heard of or read Daphne/Pansy. What a wonderful and original sub-plot/ship idea.

I really like the style of the alternating point of views that you're writing in, with the first chapter being in second and this one in first. It adds a certain original style to the story that sets it above. It definitely makes me curious for more of what's to come. Though, the plot does that, also, but I'll talk about that next :)

Okay, so we get a set up for the plot here with all of Theo's friends finding his grave. What a horrid, awful way to learn that your friend is dead, just discovering a grave. Along with a hint of mystery, I think that hints a little bit at the plot, as well as the obvious 'dead Theo'. The end, especially, with a little hint that Daphne may know something more about what's going on. It makes me very interested to see what you're planning on doing with this next!

Even with your big cast of Slytherin students I didn't find myself getting lost in the mass of them. Some of the minor Slytherin characters have a lot of opportunity to expand on and I liked the starting little hints of that. I didn't get too much more than introductions characterization-wise, though I think the introduction to the plot had most to do with hindering that. I also liked the hints of the general public's reactions to Slytherins after they 'lost' the war. It's an interesting thing to think about!

I don't ever necessarily like to harp on people for chapter length because it's such an author/story interpretative thing, but I definitely found myself wanting to know more right away! Feel free to re-request for chapter three!

Julie

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Review #21, by MoonyxlunaCount Me In: To Die By Your Side: Spring

22nd October 2014:
Hi, thanks so much for swapping with me!

Your descriptions of Spring in the opening paragraph are really lovely. It really sets up the scenery for being outside Hogwarts, and opens up the story very nicely.

I really like the characterizations of both girls in this introduction. I really get an individual sense of character for each of them, and I like how their personalities play off of each other with the bit of banter about studying 'priorities'. I really liked Ava's voice as the narrator through the whole chapter.

I'm sort of interested in the inscription in the Charms book, I'm going to keep that in the back of my head and see if it comes up in the future :D

Uh oh, a little bit of rivalry coming between Angelina and Gemma. heh, I love the trope when the character so adamantly refuses the feelings they have; it makes for such fun to put a little bit of strain on their 'not-feelings'. I find it interesting coming from Ava's perspective if Gemma is supposed to be the more free spirited one, how she's going to notice the 'not-feelings' play out in the change in her friend's mannerisms.

This totally may just be me being a femmeslash nut (and I'll totally understand if it is), but I think it'd be a really cute sub-plot if Ava had a little crush on Gemma. She kind of had that big paragraph talking about her looks, though :p Or maybe Ava will be jealous of if/when Fred/Gemma happens? Maybe George'll be available :p

I think it's an interesting usage of point of view to write this from Ava's perspective, even though you mentioned Gemma in the summary as a main character. It gives us an outsider view on what their (developing) relationship might look like from a third person, and gives us Ava's opinions on it.

Little bit of cc on the part where the twins are introduced. It just reads a little strange when Ava's saying she doesn't recognize who they are, and then the dialogue tag is "one voice said", followed by her being able to see the smile before she recognizes it. Maybe just reword that part to make the recognition flow a little smoother. Otherwise I haven't really noticed anything else. There was one or two tiny, nit-picky stuff, but there was nothing really consistently wrong, and it made the flow of reading go very nice!

Overall this was a really lovely start to your story! I love the Ava perspective a lot. I'm going to favorite this; I'd love to read more from this when you get it posted!

Thanks again for the swap!

Julie

Author's Response: Thank you so much for leaving such a wonderful review! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I kind of have a thing for describing seasons and outdoor settings...I have no idea why. I guess I just like how it sets the scene, because almost everything I write ends up talking about the season!

Thanks for commenting on the characterization - that was the main purpose of this first chapter. I kind of wanted to get it out of the way, because I have so much planned, and their personalities are important to the story. The perspective is a little tricky though - while it does seem like it's from Ava's perspective, it is really 3rd person limited, meaning you don't know everyone's thoughts, only select ones. That means it's subject to change between characters, so I wouldn't get too attached. Ava will be a primary source of perspective in the story, but there will be times when she isn't there to see what's happening.

I can't tell if the inscription is important or not...mostly because I haven't decided, lol.

I haven't really thought about Ava/Gemma as a subplot. It could work itself in though, who knows. I don't really map out my stories in stone, so we'll see! Jealousy, probably. These are two teenage girls, lol.

My choice of POV is to provide a broader perspective on what is going on with the characters. Like I said before, it won't be Ava all the time, but I'm glad you appreciate it.

Ah, yes - I was hoping someone would help me out on that. I knew it was awkward but I couldn't put my finger on what exactly, so thank you! I'll be making the edit.

Wow, a favorite! Thank you so much!


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Review #22, by MoonyxlunaEfflorescence : The 1st of September

17th October 2014:
Hi I'm here with your requested review!

First things first, I think you should edit your authors note in the beginning of the chapter. Take out the part where you 'warn' the reader that the first chapter is going to be boring. It's very off putting and pushes readers away. Have confidence in your writing (or pretend :p ) and let the reader come to their own opinions. It's sort of the same thing as putting in a summary "This sucks but read it anyway."

Pet peeve of mine, but the apostrophes instead of quotation marks are distracting.

Charlie is kind of adorable. (by kind of I mean absolutely) I like how you establish her family with the busy preparations for Hogwarts, with Charlie just buzzing with excitement. cute.

This would probably benefit from a beta read over. Keeping things like, whether you write out numbers for times, and six am in the morning - (you wouldn't need 'in the morning') consistent helps the reader, and sometimes it just helps to have a second pair of eyes. Otherwise, try reading your sentences aloud to yourself to pick out some of the things like that.

Their family is very fun. I liked the little details about how their family came to be. I sort of have a little love for wizards falling in love with Muggles, and it was a cute little back story.

Tiny thing on formatting, a lot of your paragraphs have different amount of spaces; sometimes there's not a space between them, and sometimes there's two or three. Some of the word processors (like Microsoft Word, for example) on computers add in extra, hidden formatting when you write. if you double space your paragraphs and then use the 'paste as plain text' button, that clears that up and makes it consistent, and easier on the reader. (you have to add in italics and things like that, but it's worth it)

NEWT's happen in seventh year in canon, just fyi.

There wasn't much to talk about flow-wise with this being sort of the introduction paragraph; I didn't get too much personality characterization on Ellie, more of just her physical description, so I'd like to see more of her personality shining through in upcoming chapters. One thing to work on would be 'showing' instead of 'telling' - like, at the end we (more or less) have just a few paragraphs of her talking about her appearance. You could introduce things like her height, her pale skin, things that may not be that important during a scene, in a place so it doesn't take away from the flow of the whole story.

I wouldn't be too worried about having a slower pace in future chapters. As long as you work on developing a plot, the title of your story sort of gives a lovely promise for a nice slow build theme.

I ended up writing a lot of CC here but I think you've got an interesting start to a fun story. Feel free to PM me on the forums if you want to discuss any of the things I talked about here. Otherwise feel free to re-request for the next chapter!

Julie

Author's Response: Hi, thanks for your review.
This chapter's been bugging me quite a bit, so the CC is very welcome, so that I know what to work on!
Also, I think after OWLs in fifth year, sixth years start NEWT classes, but don't do the actual exams until 7th year? Which was why Ellie's doing NEWTs in 6th year.
Anyway, thank you for the helpful review!
xx


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Review #23, by MoonyxlunaWaiting in the Wings: Crash

17th October 2014:
Hey Sam! Here with your review :)

I like Harry's characterization in the beginning. He always seems like he would be more on the introverted side at parties, sort of just taking things in, and I like how you've written that here.

So we establish some of the 'verse facts with Hermione and Ron still being together, and Harry being 'happy to be single' . We didn't get too much of the meaty plot, but the introduction here was very well written, and it was nice to establish some of your original characters that we may be seeing in the upcoming chapters.

"That's been officially jinxed," Toby laughed. -- this sentence of dialogue reads kind of awkward to me. I'm not sure yet if that's just the way Toby talks, but I feel like if you said "You've just jinxed it", or something along those lines it would read a little clearer.

With the summary and the drinking I was almost wondering if you were going to write Harry having a bit of depression, but I like the way (this sounds morbid...) you've brought him into the situation. (I like the way you put him in a coma. jesus I can't win right now.) It sticks with the hero complex that we have for both Harry and Aurors in general.

Overall this was a very enticing prologue and you should definitely re-request for more of this! I'm looking forward to meeting Theo and how you plan on spinning this one!

Julie

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Review #24, by MoonyxlunaLike Clockwork: Antiquity

13th October 2014:
Hey Leigh! Here with your requested review!

So I usually review as I read but I kind of just got caught right in this and decided to read all at once. What an interesting plot concept, intertwining the Witch Trials with Harry Potter stuff. Right away from your summary and description to me I was incredibly captivated.

You did mention word choice in your request. Your descriptions are wonderful here, they really bring the situation to life. I, however, noticed a few sentences I think you should take a look at.
Sweat beaded on my forehead-- in this sentence you describe with the word 'sweaty' twice and it is repetitive.

I am really curious about the moment that she saved herself. Is she a Banshee? Because she screamed to save herself? ooh that'd be so fun. (I guess I'll have to see!)

I also really liked the moment when the headmaster told her he was from Hogwarts school of 'Witchcraft' - It was such a neat turning moment and your wrote it very well.. I really enjoyed it, as well as this whole prologue.

We really didn't get too much plot-wise, being a prologue, but this was a very lovely introduction and I am very curious as to what is coming next. Please do re-request when the next chapter is posted!

Julie

Author's Response: Hi, Julie!

I'm glad you find this interesting! I love history and am trying my best to intertwine this successfully.

I'll go and fix that sentence! Thank you for pointing it out. :)

You'll just have to wait and see how she saved herself ;) I'm happy to see you're curious though.

Thanks so much for the help and insight!

-Leigh


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Review #25, by MoonyxlunaThe Lost Wolf: A Reminder

12th October 2014:
Hi I'm (finally) here with your requested reivew!

So I'll talk a little bit about each chapters one throught three and leave you the bulk of it on chapter four.

So in chapter one right away we set up a background for Cassandra. Your writing flows beautifully through this chapter. I really got a great sense of her emotions and background story. This was an intense start and it really managed to drag me into her world. I didn't get a lot of her characterization but I think that works with what was going on in the chapter. She seems very strong willed, and sort of heavily morphed by her upbringing, so I'm wondering how that's going to come into place in the next few chapters. The memories were interesting, as well. I'm wondering what/if kind of magical background she is going to have or if it's the wolf (werewolf?) that bit her is causing it. This was a very nice setup.

I noticed one thing in chapter 1:
his time it was Cassandra's turn -- should say "this time"

Chapter two! I found a few spots in chapter two that could use a re-wording. (missed instead of miss, very minor phrasing things.) Still, though, I am always amazed when I read such flawless writing as this and remember that you said your native language isn't English.
So we get introduced to a little bit of the plot setup here; Cassandra has these flashbacks and the names Lupin - which she picked - Black - the sad criminal on the news - and.. eventually Potter :p It makes me very interested to find more about what happened to her real father, and where she's going to end up lining up with the group. At seventeen it's hard very hard to get out on your own, so I'm wondering if/when things are going to line up with the rest of the Wizarding group. Also curious if she's magical!

Chapter three then we get a little bit of Sirius perspective. Your level of interpretation of canon facts with Sirius' escape is fantastic. I felt like it was something that JK had created and written herself. It really lined up beautifully and gave me as the reader a good grasp of where his mindset is, searching for Harry and searching for Cassandra. I'm sitting on the edge now, waiting to figure out who/how Cassandra is related to the bunch. I noticed you spelled Hogwarts as Hogwarst - it happened twice so I thought I'd just point it out.

Alright and at chapter four!

One small thing about formatting for this chapter - I'm not sure how but the font is smaller here than in all of the previous chapters? This, and the amount of space between the paragraphs. Everything was okay in the first three chapters so I'm not sure if those have been edited or what. When you post your chapters it helps if you use the 'Paste As Plain Text' button. You have to edit all of your italics and bolding but it's worth it to avoid the spaces and extra formatting that programs add in.

So fate has brought Sirius and Cassandra together! It was a big moment and said a lot about her strength of character that she continued to help the hurt dog even though she could feel her own wounds open back up.

I really love your characterization of Cassie. She's strong willed, and she's got too much on her plate for such a young girl. It's heartbreaking that she is so torn up about not being able to help the dog out, and that it's just because of the money and not because she doesn't want to by any means.

Padfoot!Sirius is very interesting, as well. I liked the little bit of back story we got with Remus, and the rest of the group. I'm still interested in how Cassie is actually connected to Remus. I'm almost seeing hints of her being a daughter but I guess I'll have to wait and see!

In your request you mentioned descriptions. I think your writing so far has created a great story; one that I am definitely looking forward to reading more of. You have a wonderful set up of the plot, and your descriptions definitely enhance, and don't take away from, that story.

There were only very minor things I noticed reading, editing wise. I pointed some of them out, but most of it is a missing punctuation there, and a misused word here. There was nothing consistently incorrect, which made the flow of reading work very well.

I'm very interested in reading more of this! Feel free to re-request for the next chapters! I'd love to see Padfoot's reaction when he realizes who the girl helping him actually is!

Julie

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for this incredibly detailed and extremely useful review! When I started writing this story I had spent more than a year without speaking or listening to anything in English. I had read a couple of fics, but my English was certainly not so well trained, so I made a huge amount of little but really irritating mistakes. I am grateful for the ones you pointed out, and I'll make sure I'll correct them when I'll finally put the word "end" to this story and start the editing process ("Hogwarts" is my personal damnation. I don't know why I spell it Hogwarst sometimes... It has to do with the fact of being Italian, I guess. We also say Dekstop instead of Desktop. We are awful.).

Regarding the formatting, as you noticed I solved the issue in the first chapters, and you'll see that even the last ones are ok. I will proceed and re-format the few I have left as soon as I can :).

I am so glad you like Cassandra and her character, as well as the other ones. I want to make her as realistic as possible, being this a fantasy story, and I suppose her being a round character will emerge even more in the next updates. Also, I am happy my descriptions entertained you and did not bore you to death! I tend to be a bit obsessive in this aspect, because I want the reader to "see" what happens in the story, as if it was a film.

Thank you again for the review! I will certainly re-request!


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