Reading Reviews From Member: ohmymerlin
  
727 Reviews Found

Review #1, by ohmymerlinThe 'Savior' Thing: James

30th May 2015:
Hey, Jayde!

This was so sweet! You really captured the stubbornness of a child and the fact that they will still howl with pain even when it is all fixed. But the second you distract them they completely forget about it :P I love the few seconds of screaming and then you show them a toy and it's an immediate stop, haha!

I really liked how Harry, even after all these years, comes ready to fight. Even with a baby on his hip, haha! I really loved that image of Harry running in with baby Lily ready to smash the person making James scream. It was so sweet!

This was an adorable chapter, Jayde! I loved it! ♥

- Kayla :)

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Review #2, by ohmymerlinThis Time.: The Storm

19th May 2015:
Hey, Kyle!

Ooh, this is a super interesting first chapter! Louis seems like a man I would appreciate ;) (And then get sad because he likes men and I am sadly not a man)

I love all the detail about the boat/sailing! Do you sail? My uncle has a boat and we go out on it quite often but whenever he talks about those types of things I kind of... tune out :P So I have no idea if what you said was true but it sounds believable!

But omg what happened why is there a storm and what is happening to Louis where is he going/being taken away to?

AND WHY DIDN'T HE JUST APPARATE OFF THE BOAT. LOUIS YOU ARE A WIZARD USE THAT WAND OF YOURS

I like that you've made Louis in university! What's he studying? :P

Anyway, this is an amazing opening chapter, Kyle! You're a really good writer! :D

- Kayla :)

(Fun fact: I always say Kyle is the guy version of Kayla so I find it funny that we are partnered up :P)

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Review #3, by ohmymerlinThe Lucky Ones: Tomorrow

13th May 2015:
This was such a brilliant chapter, Sam!

But although I am so put off by Oliver's willingness to break the rules in places not in his own house! I was raised with a very 'YOU MUST OBEY THE PERSON'S RULES AND NOT TO BE DISRESPECTFUL IN ANYWAY' so I admit that if I was Ginny or Harry, I would absolutely HATE Oliver because (in my head) he's BEING SO RUDE

(But that's most likely a very big cultural thing -- when my brother's girlfriend did something similar I was so offended so dw it's not just Ollie :P)

I love James and Ollie sooo much thought they're so cute omg I could read them 5eva

And it's so cute how proud James is of Oliver's work! That's so adorable :'D

Love, love, love this chapter ♥

10/10 ofc ♥ ♥

- Kayla :)

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Review #4, by ohmymerlinThe Lucky Ones: Back to the UK

11th May 2015:
Hey, Sam! I thought I'd reviewed this but obviously not!

OMG OMG GOKG BHFJKV

THEY'RE SO CUTE

AHHH

I LOVE JAMES AND OLLIE SO SO SO SOS OS SOOSSOSO SOSO MUCH

(I'm not going to bother to correct that because I need you to know that I love them SO MUCH THAT IT MAKES ME INCOHERENT)

I love how cute and adorable they are together omg and Tucker and Sarah are so sweet together as well, haha! I love their 'relationship'.

omg when you wrote that James was practically scared of Ollie's grandma made me laugh really loudly! Of course he's scared of the big bad nana! Isn't everyone ;)

Loved loved loved this opening chapter! You wrote it fantastically!

10/10 ofc

- Kayla :)

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Review #5, by ohmymerlinThe Ides of March: Melancholy were the sounds.

4th May 2015:
Hello again!

omg Kiana how do you write so magnificently?! This is so so so so amazing!

The ay you write Helena and Rowena's relationship is so amazing. I feel so sorry for Helena and it's so sad that it's kind of an emotionally abusive relationship, but the way you've written it is so believable. Rowena really does want what's best for her daughter but she's going in the completely wrong way.

I'm also scared for the next chapters because I know Helena will meet the Baron and then it will be her death and I'm not ready for that yet she needs to have more time with Eleanor and spend the rest of her life with her omg omg ♥

This was another amazing chapter. Your descriptions are just ♥ ♥ ♥

I don't know how I could give this chapter anything but a 10/10!

- Kayla :)

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Review #6, by ohmymerlinCold Blood: It begins with pink

4th May 2015:
Hey, Erin! I'm here from my review thread!

First of all: omg

This is so suspenseful omg omg omg

WHO MURDERED UMBRIDGE OMG OMG OMG

The way you wrote from the killer's perspective starting out made me get goosebumps! You wrote it so fantastically and I was honestly a bit scared D:

This person must have absolutely hated Umbridge to perform all three curses on her! I hated Umbridge but being tortured to the brink of insanity before killing her seems way too far! I can't believe that!

And I think you've written Harry, Ron, and Ginny really well! I'm curious to see Hermione as well and see how she interacts with them all! :D

Long black hair though... The only people I'm thinking that have black hair are the Patil twins, Dean (if he grew his hair but I always pictured him to have curly hair), Blaise, Pansy, and probably a whole lot more but I can't seem to remember it.

But I also feel like it wouldn't be any Slytherins because they (mostly) liked Umbridge because she gave them so many special provisions (grr)

The story definitely wasn't boring and was one hundred per cent intriguing! I'm so curious to read on (it's very difficult for me to hold back pressing next chapter because I've got such a busy day ahead of me and can't afford to be distracted!) and find out who's behind all these killings!

I like how you made Ron spot the hair. I see so many fics where people write Ron as useless (*wipes tear away*) so it's so nice to see that you haven't written him like that :')

It made me laugh that when Robards asked if anyone liked her and none of them responded. Serves her right ;) But that does make a list of suspects extremely large, haha!

What I found interesting is that you said that since Voldemort died, a lot of people took a lot less precautions with just an Alohomora charm being used to open doors. I feel like the precautions would have definitely decreased but I also feel like a lot of people would still be really protective. Just think of the thousands of people in WWI and WWII that were still really cautious about everything. Definitely young people and young families may have not been as cautious because they didn't live through it, but I think the people that did live through it would be still be highly protective over their houses and families. Think of Mad-Eye! He had heaps of protective measures even when they first believed Voldemort went away.

Anyway, this was a really good opening chapter! I think you absolutely nailed it! I really loved reading it! And omg your description is just amazing holy moly I love it

Seriously, this makes you sit on the edge of your seat! Just wow! It's so well written ♥

Feel free to request again!

10/10 of course!

- Kayla :)

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Review #7, by ohmymerlinEven Stars Die: Even Stars Die

3rd May 2015:
Hi there! I'm here from my review thread :)

This was such a good one-shot! I love reading about Regulus, especially his last moments because everyone has such different thoughts about it and it's so cool to see everyone's headcanons. I think you wrote it really well and Regulus was written fantastically! I like how from the beginning you made him quite an unwilling and scared Death Eater. A lot of people make him all excited and happy to be a Death Eater until about the end, so I love that you changed it up a bit! It was really refreshing to see :)

I noticed a few errors, but they weren't too major:

His first name was the name of the brightest start

Just a small typo: should be brightest star ;)

do as they wished, not talking back and unquestioning

I felt like this was worded awkwardly. Maybe: do as they wished without asking questions or talking back.

He knew he should be happy, but all he felt was hollow.

As your story is in past tense already, and you're talking about events that already happened it kind of needs to be in a super past tense (I'm sure there's a word for it but at the moment I'm forgetting it). So maybe instead have: He knew he should have been happy but all he had felt was an empty hollowness.

I added the extra words in just to make it sound a bit nicer, but feel free to disregard that or even change it up if you've got a better idea :)

forced to swallow cup after cup of

I know this is technically correct, but I felt like it was a bit awkward. I'd recommend just getting rid of the 'of' at the end of the sentence :)

His hand shook as he reached for a forth

That should be 'fourth'. Forth is when someone is talking about forwards e.g. 'come forth' and fourth is the number. It was probably a typo but I thought I'd just clarify for you in case it wasn't :)

Another thing, I feel like you could have made Regulus' fear more prominent when he was in the water with the inferi. He was afraid (and it kind of felt like he was a bit relieved to die as well!) but I think you could definitely heighten that fear level :)

The story definitely captured my interest. I'm currently at uni and I didn't realise I was at the edge of my seat and bending over to read it until I finished and stretched out, haha! You've got that front covered!

The potion drinking was good! Your descriptions were amazing! I really loved them! I also liked how you included the Muggle family you alluded to at the beginning of the story, it had a nice cyclical feel to it. But honestly, the descriptions of when Regulus wanted water made me reach for my drink bottle and getting annoyed that it's empty (I'm still annoyed haha) so definitely well written!

Anyway, this was a really fantastic story! You did such an amazing job on it! Good luck in the challenge! ♥

Feel free to request again!

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Hi Kayla. Thanks for looking at this. =)

I'm glad you liked the way I portrayed Regulus. I wanted to establish his reasons for turning against Voldemort pretty early on so it wasn't a total about face, even though this is a bit different than he is usually portrayed. I'm glad that it didn't bother you!

Thanks for pointing out some of those typos (star/start, forth/fourth... ugh!!). I will definitely go back and change them now. I will also take your suggestion about amping up his fear level into account when he's in the lake.

Thanks for wishing me luck and thanks again for reviewing! =)


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Review #8, by ohmymerlinThe Ides of March: Nothing thicker than a knife's blade.

24th April 2015:
Hello again!

An existence as a fool is a rather barren and lonesome one, after all

omg Kiana that line is beautiful

holy moly this is such a beautiful chapter how do you write so amazingly?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!

I LOVE that you focused so much on their worry about their afterlife! I remember learning about how people would do everything in order to make sure they had a good afterlife and the fact that you've incorporated that in this fic is just perfect. It's as historically accurate as you can get it which I LOVE! I love when fics align perfectly with the real world and you've done it flawlessly!! :D ♥

Your description is just next level mate I can't believe I'm reading it because it's so amazing honestly if you ever decide to publish you're going to be renown for your descriptive skills I'm calling it now!

The way you write their speech is just wonderful, you really get it spot on I love it so much

Also, I love how Helga asked Helena why she always speaks in riddles and puzzles, haha! Even though Helena is her own person she can't help the Ravenclaw within her :P

Still so curious to see who her father is and why Rowena is so harsh!

Loved the chapter again! You're so talented omg ♥

10/10

- Kayla :)

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Review #9, by ohmymerlinThe Ides of March: A star riding through clouds.

20th April 2015:
Hey, Kiana!

This was written SO WELL OH MY GOODNESS! I admit I hardly ever read Founders (I once attempted to write it and it resulted in a horrible mess) but this was written so well! I really feel like you've captured Helena's personality, that slight wistful and sad moody thing you've got going on correlates perfectly to the Grey Lady we all know in the books!

I'm not really that religious either so I admit some of the religious things confused me but I really loved that you added that touch in! I like to think that the Founders era was highly influenced by religion and to see that other people think that too is really cool!

Okay, and now your description omg omg omg omg omg YOU HAVE SUCH A TALENT FOR WRITING DESCRIPTION OMG seriously how do you do it so well?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! The way you write honestly reminds me of Markus Zusak (admittedly I've only read the Book Thief but I'm going to assume most of his writing is similar to that) because there is something about the way you write that just amazes me! It's like every word is placed so delicately and perfectly. I'm so, so enthralled by the way you write, I could honestly read it all day :D

Also, I loved how you wrote it as if Helena was talking (or writing a letter) to Eleanor. That's so cool! And I love how you mentioned the Founders having children, which I feel like no one ever thinks about much! I know I always tend to forget about the children of the Founders, except for Helena, but I love how you wrote Godric had heaps of kids, hahah! Even though we don't technically know the Founders, the amount of kids that each had seemed very true to their personalities :P

I am so super curious as to what happened to Helena's father! I love that Helga is the one to constantly slip her some secrets :P I really liked seeing their relationship, it was so sweet!

I never pictured the relationship between Rowena and Helena to be so tense, though! It makes perfect sense of course but I always imagined Rowena to be slightly warmer but the way you're writing her fits in well with canon :D

Okay, so I completely loved this chapter! I'm so glad we got put together for the review exchange otherwise I would have never read it!

10/10 of course!!

- Kayla :)

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Review #10, by ohmymerlinA Blossoming Romance: Fights, Exploding Mothers And A Confession

20th April 2015:
SOPHIE I AM SO SORRY FOR TAKING FIVE-EVA IN REVIEWING THIS I AM THE WORST (shakes fist at real life)

AND OMG ALBUS/ALYSSA ACTION?!?! I AM EXCITED TO READ THE CHAPTER NOW YAY!

Just a couple of things that stuck out to me:

I stayed silent, mum definitely knows. There's no going back now. Chloe is going to be in deep [mature word] and so am I.

Most of your story is in past tense (e.g. I murmured, Uncle Kevin hugged my sister etc.) so I think you should change this to keep up with the past tense: I stayed silent. Mum definitely knew. There was no going back now. Chloe was going to be in deep [mature word] and so was I.

Unless you want this as Alyssa's immediate thought process, well then I would make it in italics. It will just make it clearer and make it a bit nicer to read :)

He better not be taking me to some fast food restaurant, I thought as I twirled some more.

I would make the He better not be taking me to some fast food restaurant in italics so it really emphasises to the readers that it's Alyssa's train of thought :)

Also, I feel like you kind of rushed through Al and Alyssa's date (gushing and squeeing will be later on, never fear :P). You could definitely expand on it, I'd love to see them being all witty and banter-y whilst having dinner and feeling all the sparks fly and their incredible chemistry

Okay I'm sorry but Chloe YOU ARE SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD. HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY KNOW WHO YOU WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH?! You haven't even properly LIVED with the boy! It's ridiculous. It really bothers me that she just thinks she can get married and everything will work out happily ever after and maybe it will but I'm a cynic and I know the amount of change someone goes through once they finish school (I am 100% not the person I was when I was 17 and if I had picked someone to marry back then I would be divorced right now I can tell you that) and that YOU CAN STILL BE IN A RELATIONSHIP AND NOT NEED TO GET MARRIED I DO NOT SEE THE RUSH IN GETTING MARRIED WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND HUSBAND WHEN YOU ARE STILL IN SCHOOL YOU ARE STILL CHILDREN

*coughs* okay my old hag moment has disappeared. I'm glad that Chloe loves Lorcan and all that other nonsense (if it weren't 12+ I'd be using a much different word) but I feel like marriage is the most ridiculous thing.

Note, I'm not criticising you for writing it. I'm criticising Chloe because she's a dumb seventeen year old making silly choices about the rest of her life but for you to write her so well that it evokes my inner Babyboomer generation voice that criticises the youth these days is a pretty good talent ;) But I really like the relationship she has with Alyssa, it's sweet. I don't have a sister (I have a cousin who's like a sister but it's not the same) so I do love reading about it :')

ANYWAY OMG OMG OMG AL SAID HE LOVED ALYSSA yes he was drunk but drunk words are sober thoughts ;)

BUT OMG OMG I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY EXCEPT OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

And that was definitely a lot more action! Thank you for delivering! :P

So this was a wonderful chapter, Sophie! Sorry for taking so long to come and review it! Feel free to request again! ♥

- Kayla :)

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Review #11, by ohmymerlinHarry Potter and the Broomstick Makers: Get Back To Where You Belong

20th April 2015:
Hey, Kenny! I'm here from my review thread! I am so sorry how long it took me to review this! My work load did pile on but I must admit it did slip my mind at times :/ But I'm here now!

So this was an interesting chapter. I was a bit more confused in this chapter than last chapter, but it's because I've only read chapter 18 and 19. I think if I had read it from the start it would be okay to understand what was happening.

Before I forget, I love the Cadwallader last name! It sounds like it was taken straight from the books, which is something a lot of people struggle with so kudos!

Although, I do feel like you need to set the scene a lot more in this and try and write about changing the settings a bit more. It kind of felt like they were at the Cadwallader's house, then they were at the Quidditch stadium, then there was a game and then for some reason Harry flew? It didn't really have much explanation in the middle as to how they got there or why Harry was flying. And it might be just my opinion but I feel like Harry would be too modest to fly up and catch a snitch to show off. But that could just be my view.

There were a few sentences that didn't flow that well but these were the ones that stuck out:

"It's very yummy, sir," said Ron, sipped tea.

"It's very yummy, sir," said Ron as he sipped his tea
or
"It's very yummy, sir," said Ron, sipping his tea.

It's only a slight change but it makes it flow a bit more nicely.

Mrs Cadwallader smiled at Ron and she sat down next to Mr Cadwallader, asked,

"How was like when you went on journey to beat Dark Lord?"

This should be: Mrs Cadwallader smiled at Ron and she sat down next to her husband. She asked, "What was it like when you went on a journey to beat the Dark Lord?"

You only need to have a line of dialogue on a new line when it is a new speaker :) And I just changed 'Mr Cadwallader' to 'her husband' because I felt like the sentence got a bit too confusing with two of the same words in one sentence.

Ron threw bouquet so that she didnít ask anymore

I don't know what you're trying to say here. A bouquet is a bunch of flowers so I think you've gotten the wrong word here. The only time people throw bouquets is when they're throwing them at their weddings, haha!

violent dragon at the triwizard tournament, which gave us intoxication.

the 'which gave us intoxication' is a bit confusing. You don't tend to give intoxication, it is generally achieved by alcohol (or other substances) but maybe you meant, "which excited us" ?

But other than that it wa sinteresting. I am wondering why Ron and Harry visited the Cadwalladers but maybe you explained it in previous chapters.

I really loved how Harry was thankful that Ron managed to distract Mrs Cadwallader from asking too much about their journey. I can really imagine that happening! Because as we all know Ron is the most dedicated and loyal friend and was probably always telling people to get their noses out of Harry's business :P I love Ron! You wrote him quite well in this story!

I would definitely recommend getting a beta as that would help with the sentence structuring.

Hopefully I was helpful to you! Sorry again about the amount of time that passed, sometimes you blink and a month has gone by! Feel free to request again :)

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Thank you, Kayla for leaving review.

My first task is to fix the changing of the set as you pointed it out.

Talking of bouquet thing, my dictionary says it means compliment, and itoxication means exciting. These things often happen when you learn English as a second language. :X
Perhaps my beta reader will suggest better expression.

Speaking of present participial, your advice is very helpful. Review from other person trains me in writing.





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Review #12, by ohmymerlinAtonement Is Coming: A Shadowy Threat

11th February 2015:
Hi there! I'm here from my review thread :)

I can definitely tells you it flows well, so far! Nothing really stuck out like a sore thumb. However, I noticed this one little tidbit:

Just imagining what it would be like and who would be here if the war had never occurred. [Harry says this to Ginny at the table]

I think maybe this should be: "Just imagining what it'd be like and who would be here if the war had never happened." It just sounds a bit more colloquial. You have to remember Harry is still only 22 (ish, depending on what month you're writing this story in) so he's not going to be a formal speaker.

Also, I feel like the scene where the rest of the family come over and Harry tells them that Ginny is pregnant and asks Hagrid to be the godfather is a bit rushed. I think you could definitely expand on the family's reactions. For example, you can have Fleur get excited that their children will be the same age, Mrs Weasley and Mr Weasley getting excited that another grandchild will be in their midst etc.

And I think you could definitely expand on Hagrid and Harry's interactions. I can imagine Hagrid saying that he remembers when Harry was a baby and him in his first year etc. If you want, I've got a link to help write Hagrid's speech, so I'll link it on your profile. Even if you don't use it in this story, it's always a useful tool to have ;)

Okay, now onto the plot! WHY ARE THE RAVENCLAWS BEING EVIL?! WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO WITH MCGONAGALL AND KINGSLEY?! WHO IS THIS MYSTERIOUS FIGURE WHO IS RESTORING THE TWO OF THEM?!

So you definitely have a strong element of mystery and there's a layer of fear underneath that, which is excellent!

So overall, this was a great opening chapter! You definitely set the scene and have made the readers want to continue reading :)

Feel free to request again!

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Hi Kayla,

Thank you so much for taking the time to review my story.

I'm so glad that you think it flows well. When I was reading it, it kept coming off a bit choppy and I was really struggling to figure out how to organize it. I'm happy to hear that you didn't feel that choppiness.

I understand what you're saying about Harry sounding a bit too formal. When I go through and edit this, I will take a hard look at how he speaks because you're right. He is 22.

You and another reviewer pointed out that the family scene felt a bit rushed and I agree. This was probably the hardest part of the chapter for me. I re-wrote it 3 times because I just couldn't seem to get the feelings right. I supposed I'll just have to go back and keep working at it until I get it to where I want it.

The tool on Hagrid's speech would be very helpful. He's going to be a fairly important supporting character in this story, so a tool like that would be put to great use. :)

Finally, as for the Ravenclaws being evil. You'll just have to wait and see. This is a mystery that I want to slowly unravel...and I still have a few more characters to introduce before that happens.

Thank you again and I will certainly re-request as the chapters are posted.

~TreacleTart


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Review #13, by ohmymerlinHarry Potter and the Broomstick Makers: Aurorís Team

10th February 2015:
Hey, there! I'm here from my review thread :)

First off, even though this is chapter 18, I didn't find it THAT confusing so that's pretty good that you've been able to make it make sense, even when not reading the previous 17 chapters. Obviously it would make it much easier reading those chapters but oh well! It still made quite enough sense!

However, you've gotten a few mistakes here and there so I've just jotted some of them down:

"Two of you haven't read 'Witch Weekly' yet," George said merrily and he chanted summoning charm and soon the magazine hurtled into his hands.

"The two of you haven't read 'Witch Weekly' yet, have you?" George said merrily before summoning the magazine which came hurtling into his hands.

Aidan Lynch of Irish National Team was taken photo with his girlfriend who was a sexy brunette.

I don't really like that description. Maybe say something like "Aidan Lynch of the Irish National team, had a photo with him and his very attractive, brunette girlfriend." I just think 'sexy brunette' is a bit gross sounding.

Victor Krum partially clothed was showing off his muscular constitution

That should be 'muscular physique'

There's also this bit, I haven't copied and pasted the original but hopefully you know which bit I'm talking about:
"Your hairstyle will become popular soon. Anyway, who are the members of the Auror Team?" George winked at Harry.

"We have been busy with catching snatchers, werewolves and the remaining Death Eaters, so Harry and I haven't had time to map out who should be--"

"I didn't ask you, Ronniekins. Harry, tell me who you have in mind?" George interrupted Ron.

Ron looked hurt so he glared at his brother.

"Well, we discussed about it before and to tell you the truth, we desperately need you, George," said Harry.

George beamed at him and said, "Good! Owl me when Kingsley says yes!" He then went back down the stairs to the shop.

Ron looked reproachfully at the back of George's head. After his brother disappeared he turned to Harry and said, "You shouldn't have told him he could join us."

"I hate his playing a joke on me." should be: "I hate when he plays jokes on me."

Ron gave a sigh of relief and said,

"Then we need one more Beater. Williamson is a bit old for Beater."

Should be: Ron gave a sigh of relief and said, "Then we need one more beater. Williamson is a bit old for a beater." You've done this a few times. You don't need to press enter when a character speaks, you only need a space when a different character speaks.

Ron threw out his chest, but soon he got serious. Should be: Ron puffed out his chest but then quickly turned serious.

Ron took delight in eating ocean creatures drizzled in sauces.

I felt like this was kind of weird, maybe change it to 'seafood drizzled in sauces'. Ocean creatures make me think of weird alieny-things, haha

You tend to leave a lot of words out, as well as making the sentence a bit clunky. I think the best thing would be is to read the story out loud and then you'll see the mistakes and it'll make it a lot smoother. Also join your words together with dialogue (e.g. can not to can't) as most people speak that way rather than saying each word. It makes it much more colloquial.

The pacing of the chapter seemed a little fast. I feel like when Hermione came up, her scene was extremely rushed and I think you could definitely expand on that bit. I think definitely write more about her excitement and Ron and Harry's congratulations. Although I did laugh at when Harry said to at least let him finish his sausage, haha!

Also, you kept changing the amount of Oustandings Hermione needed. First you wrote, seven, and then you wrote eight, and then Ron said ten. Maybe just clarify that up :)

So hopefully I was of help to you. I would recommend in getting a beta reader, there's a great subforum on the forums where I'm sure people are willing to help and that way even as you write the chapters, you can send them to your beta before you publish them to save time editing ;)

Feel free to request again!

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Thank you for your advice, ohmymerlin.
Your kind and attentive review will really help.

Now, my personal computer is used by others of my family, so I'll edit these after tomorrow.

I really appreciate for reading this and leaving your review. :)


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Review #14, by ohmymerlinLove is for Fools: Not a Fool

28th January 2015:
Hey, Dee! I'm here from my review thread :D

First of all:

OH MY GOD. I DIDN'T EVEN REALISE THAT IT WAS ALPHABETISED. YOU ARE AMAZING, OH MY GOD. YOU PULLED THAT OFF SO WELL, IT DIDN'T SOUND CHOPPY OR ANYTHING. HOW ON EARTH ARE YOU SO TALENTED, DEE?!??!!?

This was an amazing one-shot! I don't really ship Sirius/Remus, so I admit I was a bit hesitant when opening this up BUT NOW I AM NOT BECAUSE OF YOUR FANTASTICALLY BEAUTIFUL WRITING YOU ARE SO AMAZING, DEE

You said this was a new writing style but you've made it work so well. Not one bit was choppy nor did it feel wrong in any way. It feels like you've been writing this style your whole life! Obviously you're an extremely talented writer who can do anything :D

You also asked about characterisation. Definitely perfect! I loved the line, "Love is for fools, and I, Sirius Black, am not a fool". FAN-BLOODY-TASTIC. That is so perfectly in character. That is EXACTLY Sirius!

Remus was so perfectly on point, as well. I'm so amazed at how well you wrote him. You got that perfect quiet little voice he seemed to have that always had a touch of sadness in it. You managed it so perfectly. LOVE IT.

So clearly, I loved this one-shot. You did such an amazing job on it. Thank you for asking me to review it! Otherwise I probably would have never read it and missed out on this amazing work of art!!

10/10 :D

Feel free to request again!

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: KAYLA! HI :D I am SO SO SO sorry that this reply is so late. I feel incredibly guilty because your review is just so lovely! ♥

I'm not a Remus/Sirius shipper either so I had a lot of hesitations about writing and posting this, it's such a relief that you think they're in character!

I've wanted to do the every word counts challenge for ages but never had the right story for it, then when I entered the ABC challenge I decided to combine them because finding two sentences that start with an X and a Z was just impossible :p

This is just such an amazing review, I'm still so flabbergasted by it. Thank you so much ♥

Dee :)


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Review #15, by ohmymerlinVictoire: The Guard

28th January 2015:
Hey, Emma! I'm here from my review thread :)

First of all, loved the opening of the story! It really does give it a sense of unease and mystery. I'm so curious as to what's happened! And how all the inmates knew but he didn't! Did they know Greyback was going to die? Or did he not really die and he's going to come back as some sort of werewolf zombie thing?! :O

Although, I kind of feel like Harry and Ron wouldn't continue holding the grudge against Cormac, years later. Unless he was still extraordinarily arrogant and rude, but I feel like they'd put him there once to satisfy their annoyance and then be a bit more even in the rotation of the Azkaban 'shift'. But that might just be me :)

The scene you set up with Victoire was extremely well done! I feel like you really nailed in showing how ordinary their lives are (were?).

Victoire being interested and having things affect her (even indirectly) about werewolves is really cool. You don't really see in that many fics that the next gen kids worry about things from their parents past (although, it makes sense that she and Teddy would worry, seeing as they were closest in age to it actually happening) so the fact that you've written it makes it a lot more unique as well as believable.

Oh my goodness! Why is Izzy screaming?! Is this the first attack Zombie!Greyback is making? :P

Also, are you making that Victoire is in her seventh year, the same as Teddy or is she in a year or two below? Just that tiny bit of confusion could easily be cleared up by adding it in somewhere :)

Anyways, this was a great introductory chapter. I think you really nailed the descriptions and the opening setting. I just want to keep saying how great it was, you setting the scene. You wrote that absolutely phenomenally. Obviously descriptions are your strong point! Yet your dialogue is extremely good as well! And so far the mystery is working out well :D

Feel free to request again! :)

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Hi Kayla,

Thank you so much for such a kind review! I love your Zombie!Greyback idea a lot - won't give anything away but it's always fun to hear people's theories :)

Hmm, lots of people have mentioned that about Harry and Ron so maybe it's something I should have a think about. I kind of figured Ron would likely hold a bit of a grudge and take pleasure in annoying Cormac, and then also Cormac's narration is unreliable so it's not as bad as he makes it out to be. But maybe that doesn't come across. Thanks for mentioning it.

I think the events of the war would feel much closer to home for Victoire and Teddy's age groups because they were all born during or just after the war. Teddy obviously lost his parents so has been extremely affected by the war, and I think their age group would have had more experience of the world trying to put itself back together after the war than the younger next-gen characters. I'm enjoying writing it a lot.

Victoire's a sixth year here (which, frustratingly, doesn't quite work out in canon. She should have been a fifth year but I realised too late), while Teddy's a seventh year. I'll come back to this and add that in to make it clearer :)

Thank you so much for all the lovely comments and helpful feedback! I'll definitely be back to request again :)

Emma x


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Review #16, by ohmymerlinRabbit Heart: Distant Hearts

26th January 2015:
Hey, there! I'm here from my review thread! Sorry about the delay! I was going on a lot of holidays and when I wasn't I was packing/unpacking/cleaning the house. Anyway, I'm here now!

First of all: coconut pecan cake sounds amazing. Where can I get this heavenly cake? :P

OKAY WHAT ON EARTH IS UP WITH THAT BUNNY HOLY MOLY I DO NOT TRUST THAT THING

WAIT WAIT WHO AND WHAT IS DILLON AND WHY DOES HE WANT SUCH A STRONG AND WEIRD CONNECTION TO WREN THIS IS SO FREAKY but I can't just stop imagining how cute it would be to have a basket of baby bunnies :'D

Before I forget, nothing sticks out! Everything is still flowing nicely :D

But ugh that bunny is so ridiculously creepy. She's literally getting sick from it. THAT IS SO SCARY AND SO NOT GOOD.

Hehehehehe, she totally spied on Albus with her new lens, hehehehe how cute :'D I loved how James was teasing her though. I like that he treats her like a younger sister. It's really sweet :)

Another fantastic chapter! Feel free to request again! :D

10/10

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Kayla, hi!

Ah, cleaning the house. I have to do that. Erm, tomorrow. Maybe. lol!

Do not trust the bunny. I tell you this.

Ah, good. Flow is good. Thanks for looking at that. And yeah, I want to make coconut pecan cake. It seems like such a yummy idea.

Thanks for reading and reviewing! I will definitely rerequest again!

Pix


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Review #17, by ohmymerlinBewildered: Prologue

26th January 2015:
Hey, there! I'm here from my review thread! Sorry about the delay, there were quite a few holidays within this month and when I wasn't holidaying I was cleaning/packing/unpacking :P

So far, you haven't thrown Rose and Scorpius too quickly, but this is just the prologue so that may be the reason :P I think you got their characterisation pretty spot on! You can tell that they're Hermione/Ron's, Draco's children but they are definitely their own person! I think you don't need to worry about that at all!

I also thought it was very realistic that poor Rose is under a lot of pressure, a lot of children who are told that they are smart from a young age feel that pressure and do struggle with it. I liked that you added that little tidbit in, it did make it a lot more realistic.

Also, I really liked Scorpius. He was drawly but I still really liked his character! Very interesting guy, in my opinion!

Also, I just noticed one tiny thing:

The Cloak was no longer exactly a secret per say

It actually isn't 'per say' but instead 'per se', but that was really the only error I found and it's an honest mistake!

And oh what's this secret Slytherin cult thingy going on?? VERY intriguing! But I hope Rose doesn't get dragged into it (she's totally going to get dragged into it, isn't she?)

This was an excellent opening chapter! I really enjoyed reading it! You write fantastically! I love how well you wrote Rose's thought processes and her mannerisms. I really loved it!

Feel free to request again!

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Oh you're perfectly fine! I understand how busy people can be! It's happening to me right now! Eek!

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I was (kind of still am) antagonizing over it, because I always hear people complain about how they are too much like their parents and yada yada yada! It's probably my worst fear when writing ScoRose!

Awww I really love that you noted that! I'm a bit like Rose in that sense, because my parents have always pressured me to make my grades and play sports. Sometimes it gets very overwhelming and I felt like there was no way that Rose couldn't just bypass that with her upbringing and family life. So yay! Thanks for noticing!

I always felt like he and Draco are drawly kind of people! Ha ha! But thank you for liking him, because I like him, but I do write him so I kind of have to like him... It's like my characters are my children: I'm obligated to like them, but I can't have favorites! Ha ha! :)

I'm an idiot is all I have to say on that matter... I knew I should have Googled it first!

She will avoid it for the most part, but in a quite dramatic matter she will literally get dragged into it. He he he!

Meep! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I'm so excited that you really loved it!

Thank you again for your review!

Sincerely,
Ireland


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Review #18, by ohmymerlinRabbit Heart: Hearts and Minds

26th December 2014:
Hey there! I'm here from my review thread! I can't believe how long it's been since I read this story! Since when did you have 24 chapters up?! :O

Okay, so what is wrong with that blasted rabbit?! When she's away from it, she seems to be much better but when she's near it she practically has a panic attack!

AND AWWW SHE'S STARTING TO GET FEELINGS FOR ALBUS AND ALBUS HAS FEELINGS FOR HER GUYS PLS JUST BE IN LOVE TOGETHER AND KICK THAT BUNNY OUT

I don't want to say 'kill the bunny' BECAUSE BUNNIES ARE CUTE AND I LOVE THEM SO MUCH but this bunny is creepy and I don't like it at all! It needs to get away from Wren :/

I think you wrote this chapter really well. I loved the way all the Weasleys/Potters/Scorpius are and how they interact with one another. And I admit I can't remember, but are Rose and Scorpius a couple yet? If not, I CAN'T WAIT FOR THEM TO GET TOGETHER. I liked the lingering glance Scorpius gave Rose and how immature he acts around her, hehe ;)

It really made me laugh that James has gone crazy with his pranks on poor Albus and that he and Scoprius are plotting revenge. It's hilarious that Albus has also taken the precaution of anti charm items, haha! That's actually such a clever idea!

Also, I absolutely loved how well you wrote the awkwardness between Albus and Wren. Not many people get that level of tension/nervousness between two teenagers who fancy each other written so fantastically. I thought that was so well done!

You asked about lost threads, or if the plot has gotten too involved and I don't think so at all! The expansion definitely feels natural and I think this story is at a great pace!

So anyway, this was a great chapter! I really love the way you write, it's extremely well done! Even when there's nothing happening, you still feel the slight layer of creepiness from that darn rabbit! :P

Feel free to request again! Love this story!

10/10

- Kayla :)

Author's Response:

Halloo!

To answer your question, no, Scorpius and Rose are not together. I had too much fun making him a complete idiot around her. James has quite taken the prank thing and crossed the line with it. Albus just can't take it any longer.

And yay for awkwardness! Since I'm allergic to angst, that's the best I can do at this point.

We can't kill the rabbits yet. There's too many chapters left. :P

Thanks for the uplifting review!


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Review #19, by ohmymerlinKissing in Private: Part One

26th December 2014:
Hey, there! I'm here from my review thread!

So this was a super interesting start. I always thought Teddy would know how to control his Metamorphmagus abilities, not when he was young though, so it's super interesting to see how you've written him not being able to control these abilities.

I'm already liking the budding romance between Ted and Victoire, hehe ;)

You said this was an experimental first person so I'm going to assume that it's one of your first times writing first person and it's good! Although, I feel like you didn't really describe anything around Teddy. I understand that in first person it can be hard to describe the main character's surroundings but I think you should put some in. I think it'll just make you story that little more descriptive, and who doesn't like descriptions? ;)

Also, just found this little sentence: The only reason I knew who he was was because he is a living stereotype of what all 17-year-old boys are supposed to look like

That should be: The only reason I knew who he was was because he WAS a living stereotype of what all 17-year-old boys are supposed to look like

You don't need to make the 'was' capitalised, I just changed it so it'd be obvious :P

and: The thing with socializing is, there's a lot of protocol to be followed, and there's a lot of things that are expected to be off-limits. It's like there's a bit of a guided script that people generally stick to. Hello, nice to meet you, how are you, lovely weather isn't it, see you around. There's no room for What the ~~~ is happening to your hair right now? Are those fox ears? Woah, what are you - some kind of freak? This is hilarious!

The thing with socializing is, there was a lot of protocol to be followed, and there were a lot of things that were expected to be off-limits. It was like there was a bit of a guided script that people generally stuck to. "Hello, nice to meet you, how are you, lovely weather isn't it, see you around." There was no room for "What the ~~~ is happening to your hair right now? Are those fox ears? Woah, what are you - some kind of freak? This is hilarious!"

Make sure you keep it all consistent with past tense :) It can be super annoying, I know, but it makes the story flow much more nicely when they all match up :)

I also just added quote marks to the last paragraph because it's like someone is saying that, and to me that makes it flow a bit better :)

Overall, this was a great opening chapter! I feel so sorry for Teddy, I never imagined him to be a person who got picked on, but the way you've written it makes me remember how cruel some kids can be. I don't like Derek because of it :( but I have a feeling Victoire has a crush on him or something, because she blushed when she said she was going to watch the tryouts. I hope not, though!

So yeah, awesome chapter! Feel free to request again :)

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Hello! Thank you so much for your feedback!

I'm glad you are interested in my characterization of Teddy, as well as the complex emotions between Teddy and Victoire! Thank you!

This is definitely an experimental type of first person--I sort of went with my stream of consciousness--although it is not my first attempt at writing first person. It's just a very different style than what I am used to, and what I think many readers are used to as well.

Actually, the lack of description was sort of part of the style itself. I wanted to only show "descriptions" of things that were very important or relevant to the action of the story, so that's why I suppose there aren't many. I understand that many readers look for beautiful prose descriptions in their writing, but that just is not part of my style! So I really appreciate your feedback but I hope that you can understand and appreciate my style as well. Thank you!

Thank you so much for your review. I really appreciate your views on my story!


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Review #20, by ohmymerlinThe Unsinkable Molly Prewett: Baby I Need Your Lovin'

14th December 2014:
Aw :'( Poor Arthur and Molly! I hope their separation isn't too long, it's obviously tearing them both up :'(

But omg I loved how insane Gideon and Fabian are. And Arthur's shock at that :P

He shouldn't REALLY be shocked, but I suppose he is. I'm interested to see how Gideon and Fabian's plan works out, but I have a funny feeling it won't work out because Molly can totally tell when someone is lying and she won't get back together with Arthur on the basis of a lie, he's just got to prove himself to her again!

I am so interested to see Molly's point of view in all of this!

Another fantastic chapter! Absolutely loved it! :D

- Kayla :)

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Review #21, by ohmymerlinThe Gift of Madness: Christmas

12th December 2014:
Hey, Mary! I'm here from my review thread :)

So this was an interesting chapter. I was a little confused because is it after James and Lily died? Or is this part of the 'AU' aspect?

I liked your use of repetition that Sirius felt useless, worthless, deserved to die etc. It definitely made it feel powerful.

However, I feel like the story felt a bit disjointed -- I know you're probably aiming for that but having one sentence on one line isn't aesthetically pleasing. You could definitely bunch up a few of the lines to form a paragraph. Even if that's a bit jerky and not flowy, it'll still suit the story because it's reflecting how Sirius is feeling.

For example, this: Something cracked inside him.

It hurt.

He fell, hitting clumsily the wooden surface in front of him.

Maybe he was dying after all.

You could definitely make that: Something cracked inside him. It hurt. He fell, hitting clumsily the wooden surface in front of him.

Maybe he was dying after all.

And that way you could smooth it out just a little more and make it a little less jarring. The disjointedness is effective but if the whole thing is disjointed, it pulls the reader out of the story, which isn't good!

But this was a really good introduction. You definitely made it very bleak and miserable, but that's a good thing, I promise, haha!! Strong descriptive skills! :D

I'm curious as to what Sirius did, though! It's going to be very interesting!

Also, this sentence: But his heart kept beating, as if to mock him, to humiliate him even further.

omg

It was so poignant. It really shocked me because most people use the heart beating as a positive sign that they're fighting for their life so it was such an interesting angle you took! I really think that fit the story perfectly. I reeeaaally loved that line! It was just so powerful to see how miserable and suicidal Sirius was.

So yeah, great chapter! Definitely try and push some of those sentences together but an excellent start!

Feel free to request again :)

- Kayla :)

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Review #22, by ohmymerlinChai, Samosas, and a Friend in the Wee Hours of the Morning: Chai, Samosas, and a Surprise

10th December 2014:
Hello!

Ooh this was so interesting! I just LOVED how you wrote Hannah! She was the perfect mixture of shyness and annoyance (at the beginning, haha)! I really felt like she was canon!

And I loved the way you wrote Neville. He seemed VERY confident, even a little bit cocky! :P But it wasn't a bad thing, he needed that confidence in the books so it's super cool to see that he achieved that after everything he went through!!

They were so sweet together making the samosas! I loved that little development between them. From the beginning she was annoyed and then at the end she had a friend WHO WILL BECOME HER HUSBAND AWWW

Also, I really liked how you put in all the extra background of Hannah and how she used to be a Healer! I think you wrote that super well and it provides SUCH a good explanation as how she goes from owning the Leaky Cauldron to becoming the Hogwarts matron! Really loved that! I'd never thought about that before but it just fits so perfectly!

Absolutely loved this one-shot! I'm so glad I got to snag it in the tag! :P

10/10

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Heya! Thanks for dropping by!

I'm glad you liked Hannah. I wanted her to expand on her character from canon, since all we really got about her was that she was a little anxious and shy.

Neville really has grown up, hasn't he? If there's one person who deserves the confidence he's earned, it's Neville Longbottom. I just had so much fun writing him actually doing well with the ladies ;)

That's exactly it! I wanted to capture that feeling of finding a new friend, but also that feeling of it developing into something romantic. It's better from the reader's point of view because you know they get married - your imagination is allowed to get carried away about what their wedding would be like :P

The idea for this story came to me after I read that new info about Neville and Hannah. I read it, and all of a sudden I was like yes! I'm going to write about Hannah in the near future! Don't you just love it when that happens? I'm glad that it fits well with canon.


Thanks so much for the lovely review :)


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Review #23, by ohmymerlinThe Unsinkable Molly Prewett: 96 Tears

10th December 2014:
OOH MUMMA MOLLY IS OUT.

You wrote her scolding so perfectly! But NOOO SHE CAN'T NOT TALK TO ARTHUR!

(Although, we all know that won't happen because she goes on to marry him and have seven beautiful children and millions of grandchildren and live happily ever after aside from the war and losing one of her sons and oh I've made myself sad)

Also, I loved how you're putting in tiny little hints that Gideon and Fabian are brilliant wizards! It makes me so happy when everything matches up with canon! :D

Loved this chapter! Aside from Molly being so disappointed and angry at Arthur :'(

- Kayla :)

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Review #24, by ohmymerlinThe Unsinkable Molly Prewett: Tell It Like It Is

10th December 2014:
Aw, Arthur and Molly are so cute together. I really love the way you write them! Especially when Molly get so distracted by him, hehe ;)

I feel really sorry for poor Cecilia. It must be difficult seeing all your friends be able to do it, even your friends brothers, and you still can't do it. I wonder why. DOES SHE BECOME A DEATH EATER OH MY GOODNESS?!

And poor Molly. She seems so insecure and I can definitely relate to her in the feeling 'average' part. You wrote that really well but I did like how Arthur managed to distract her again, ehehehe ;)

Such a good chapter!

- Kayla :)

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Review #25, by ohmymerlinHow I Saved the Wizarding World with Hair Potions, By Gilderoy Lockhart: Hair-Care Potion Maker Extraordinaire

10th December 2014:
Hey, Kristin! I've been meaning to read this FOREVER. And when I clicked on your forum page it was the first thing that I saw and I just KNEW I had to review it!

So this was absolutely hilarious. You've gotten Lockhart's personality so on-point it makes me wonder if YOU are actually Lockhart.

PLOT TWIST.

Hahahaha, but this was so funny! Even back then he was telling lies about what he'd 'accomplished' and ruining peoples' limbs. Ah, I loved all the small connections you made to the original series and it didn't feel like you were copying them.

I really loved this one-shot. I just loved how much Lockhart loved himself and you wrote it so fantastically!

10/10 of course! Anything less than that, Gilderoy would just lie about it anyway ;)

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Kayla! Hehehe, I'm so glad you stopped by! :D

Oh no - you've found me out! I am indeed Gilderoy Lockhart, six-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award. Ah, but as amazing as it may seem, there is not a single lie about my accomplishments in this tale - all that transpired in this story is pure fact. Perhaps you should buy my book Magical Me to convince you? ;)

(eheheh, ok, enough of that, real talk now. Thanks so much, Kayla! I'm so glad you enjoyed this and found it amusing! :D I'm glad you got all those little connections too and that they seemed original. Gahh, thank you so much for your wonderful review!!


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