Reading Reviews From Member: ohmymerlin
  
477 Reviews Found

Review #1, by ohmymerlinDecoding the Tutshill Tornados: The One with Fern

16th April 2014:
[superhero theme song plays as Avery walks in the room]

But seriously, David Flynn, is a flopping psycho. What is the MATTER with him?! Avery is his DAUGHTER. Not his mortal enemy!

And ew Cooper and Mason and Emerson. Yucky.

BUT GO AVERY FOR PUTTING HIM IN THE HOSPITAL, YOU GO GIRL!

And aw bless, Lily knows what's wrong with James in a heartbeat :') I love reading stories when siblings are close (it's because I'm close with my brother and two of my cousins are like my brother and sister so I definitely have a soft spot for those types of stories) and you write them so sweetly :')

I loved the interview James did, it was great, haha!

I love how even though this is about James and Avery OVERCOMING ALL THE OBSTACLES OF THEIR LOVE, it's more about the psychopath, David Flynn. It definitely gives it a nice and surprising twist.

Also, can I just say that I can't believe that you're already up to chapter 15! I still feel like you just finished the prequel!! :O

Anywho, this was another great chapter! I can't wait to read more! :)

- Kayla :)

 Report Review

Review #2, by ohmymerlinMy Not-So-Imaginary Fiend: XV: Must, Must, Must Make This Work!

16th April 2014:
[heavy breathing]

oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god GO SALLY-ANNE

FOUR FOR YOU, SALLY-ANNE! YOU GO, SALLY-ANNE!

OH MY GOD.

THEY'VE GOT THE DATE FOR WHEN IT ALL BEGAN?!?!?!?!

OH MY GOD

I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW CLOSE THEY ARE

OH I HOPE HE FINALLY GETS DEFEATED I WILL BE SO HAPPY

And oh my god Sally-Anne is good with her maths! That would have been EXHAUSTING. I love doing maths like that, but only for a little bit! Did you actually do that maths or did you just put it into a calculator and see whatever number you got?

Or did you just make that on the top of your head?

See what I mean about liking maths? I'm always so intrigued how people do it, haha! And there always tends to be maths hate on this site as most people are English/literature people :p

Anyway, back on track to the review:

OH MY GOD BENAJMIN IS SCARY

It's SUCH an abusive relationship, oh my god! This is so stressful, I cannot wait for the day when Sally-Anne finally defeats him! :'D

So clearly, I loved this chapter. It's definitely a 10/10 from me :')

- Kayla :)

 Report Review

Review #3, by ohmymerlinTrue Deceivers: We're All Stories - Part I

16th April 2014:
Woah, this was a convoluted chapter! It went on forever (not that I'm really complaining, hehe :p) and was so well thought out!

You've got such a knack for writing this type of story! I don't know how you do it! It's absolutely superb! :D

I can't wait to read the next chapter, seeing as this is only part 1! :D

- Kayla :)

 Report Review

Review #4, by ohmymerlinHormones: Fairy Tales

16th April 2014:
Aw, Gemma knows! And she reacted exactly how a best friend SHOULD react, haha ;D

And ahh Frames. They're the best, I actually love their whole conversations all the time and no I don't care if that doesn't make sense I'm just kinda letting my thoughts run wild :p

And naw, the last scene with Freddie and Ryan :') I feel so bad for Ryan but it's so nice to see that Freddie is there for her and is actually being helpful rather than an idiot :')

Anyway, I really loved this chapter! I love all of these chapters, to be quite honest.

Anywho, it's a definite 10/10 and I can't wait to read the next chapter! :D

- Kayla :)

 Report Review

Review #5, by ohmymerlinStuck in the Middle: Wondering Eyes and Insinuations

16th April 2014:
Awww, James is starting to like Oliver but he just won't admit it ;)

I love the way you write the two, they are just so cute and adorable together! You write them so fantastically! :')

Anyway, this was a great chapter! I'm loving James' very slow and reluctant progression of his feelings, hehe! :p

10/10

- Kayla :)

 Report Review

Review #6, by ohmymerlinOff the Rails: sixty-one

10th April 2014:
Oh my god when I was reading this I was actually cheering and gasping and swearing at the dirty moves and I was so nervous for James; you just wrote it fantastically and the way he was agonising over playing against Ryan was just brilliant I just fkbvfbvbkfknv fnx

BUT THEY WON I WAS SO HAPPY I SWEAR I WAS JUMPING UP AND DOWN IN MY BED BECAUSE IT WAS SO EXCITING AHHH THE WAY YOU WRITE EMOTIONS IS JUST AMAZING

I'm so happy James won, after the year he'd had he completely deserved it! ♥

Anyway, this was an amazing chapter and I can't wait to read more! I can't believe how close the end is though, ahhh!

10/10

- Kayla :)

 Report Review

Review #7, by ohmymerlinAlbus Potter and Slytherin's Office: A Talk With Japser

10th April 2014:
AL DO NOT GET INTO THE BLACK MARKET OF HOGWARTS OMG

THAT IS VERY DANGEROUS

But ahhh everything is slowly moving along! I just want them to be safe and happy but I have a feeling that that won't happen for a long time!

Anyway, sorry for this lame review but I'm absolutely exhausted at the moment but I still wanted to review :p I can't wait to read the next chapter!

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Yes, unwise of Albus to get into the black market of Hogwarts. But it is necessary.

There is still some more excitement, but the climax is coming up soon-ish. It's not as far as along as you might think.

It's okay, I love every review I get!!! Thank you!


 Report Review

Review #8, by ohmymerlinResurrection : Estrangement

9th April 2014:
woAH

What is WRONG with these people?! I can't believe how rude they were being - acting like Scorpius wasn't around and acting so prejudiced/racist (is Pureblood racism even a thing?) they were. I'm actually appalled at how immature they were all acting.

Seriously. I was just shaking my head and tutting the whole time I was reading this chapter. That family needs to be sat down and get a stern talking to. I'm so appalled at their behaviour. SHAME ON THEM.

But, I think you wrote it quite well. Honestly, I find it a little unbelievable the Weasley family would act like this but you wrote it realistically so... *shrugs* This point is moot :p

And aw, poor Scorpius being so nervous and then they treated him like that! The poor guy!

And go Rose! You yell at your idiotic family!

Anyway, even though this was a very emotional and angry chapter, I really enjoyed reading it! I can't wait to read the next chapters and hope school isn't too crazy for you!

- Kayla :)

 Report Review

Review #9, by ohmymerlin30 Days of You and Me: Together

9th April 2014:
*cries softly*

I love writing endings with loose threads - it's a sickness (WHY DID I JUST SAY THAT?!) - but I hate reading them ahahaha espECIALLY IF SCORPIUS MIGHT DIE FROM IT

Anyway, you wrote this whole story fantastically, Janice, and I think you finished it extraordinarily well. I've absolutely loved reading this story. You're a truly phenomenal writer and you definitely have some serious, hardcore talent.

I don't know what else to say except I'm going to miss reading Rose and Scorpius but I think you ended it on a good note.

Sorry for this shoddy review but I really don't have that much to say except how amazing you are at writing :D

A definite 10/10

- Kayla :)

 Report Review

Review #10, by ohmymerlinTug Of War: Cold Shoulder

9th April 2014:
Heya!

I don't know if I'm a part of the minority, but I just don't think Stella and James should work out. They aren't very compatible - it isn't healthy to have a relationship with someone you continually fight with - and I hope they don't end up together :p

I think Stella and Luke are a much better match. They definitely compliment each other well, not like James and Stella - which is just kind of like petrol and fire put together which never has a good result.

Team Luke! He's a sweetheart! Neutral about Gryffindor/Ravenclaw (I'm a Puff, hehe); cat person all the way! If I had a superpower it would be breathing underwater; creamy peanut butter for sure!

And don't worry about the slow updates, real life can be super mean sometimes! You still make the updates worth it, though! :D

Anyway, this was a great chapter! I can't wait to read more! :)

- Kayla :)

 Report Review

Review #11, by ohmymerlinRabbit Heart: Cold Toes, Warm Heart

9th April 2014:
Hello! I am so sorry for the ridiculous wait on this! My life just decided to pile everything on at the moment! :(

But I'm here now, so there's no harm done! :D

Okay, so you asked if I felt if I lost any threads. So far, no I haven't. I got a bit confused because I didn't realise it had been six weeks since Wren and Al and stuff had all seen each other but that may have been because it's been a while since I read the last chapter and I've forgotten (which is highly likely as I have the memory of a goldfish :p)

The plot hasn't gotten too involved, don't worry! The expansion feels quite natural and I'm so curious as to why Wren has this bizarre connection with the rabbit! And how is it going to become the world's worst nightmare? Questions, questions! :p

I did notice one little thing though. It's only minor:

"Your let your hair grow," he said with a quirky smile.

The first word should be just be 'you' ;)

Other than that, though, everything was great! I loved how you wrote Al's dramatic growth spurt! Growing up with a brother and many male relatives, that is super accurate! One day they're extremely short, the next they're towering over everyone, haha! :p

Anywho, this was a wonderful chapter! Sorry again about the delay!

Feel free to request again!

- Kayla :)

Author's Response:

Ahh! Cookies for the leftover typo!!! All fixed. Thanks!

Oh good! Lost threads haunt my sleep like leftovers on the counter overnight. I've had that confusion pointed out to me before, specifically in this section, but that person had been away from the story for a while as well, so I don't know if it's the actual time lag, or the lag between readings... a conundrum, since fixing it would be like using a sledgehammer. I don't know quite how to finesse that. But since you're the second person to point it out, it's worth looking into again.

I am quite relieved that Albus' growth spurt seemed believable. It happens. I just didn't want it to be like he'd taken a growth potion or anything. ;)

Thanks so much for the lovely review!! I think I shall request again soon!


 Report Review

Review #12, by ohmymerlinLife As We Know It: chapter one

9th April 2014:
Ten years later, Kayla finally arrives to review.

I'm so sorry, Erica, for the HUGE delay! All of a sudden life was just like, 'LOL NO MORE HPFF FOR YOU' D':

Anyway, I'm here and I'm going to review!

First of all, your descriptions are absolutely phenomenal. I can't believe how amazing the descriptions were, the first paragraph was just beautiful. The way you wrote Hermione's feelings were just brilliant and the whole chapter along with it. It's written superbly and even though I don't tend to like Draco and Hermione as a pairing, I can't help but be drawn to this!

Okay, flow. So far, it's brilliant! This was a short first chapter so I can't really comment on it that much but it's written very well and I think you've done a great job of it so far!

You also asked about canon and characterisation. Again, this wasn't a long chapter but from what I've read you've written it perfectly. I can't believe how accurate you've written Hermione. So many authors tend to butcher her beautiful character and I admit I was a teeny bit worried but now all my doubts have disappeared!

Lavender and Ron seem quite accurate for characterisation/canon as well.

So this was a pretty short review, and not that helpful (sorry about that) but I'm assuring you that I really like this first chapter. It's a great introductory chapter and I think you're definitely on the right track!

Feel free to request again! :)

- Kayla :)

 Report Review

Review #13, by ohmymerlinStuck in the Middle: Challenge Accepted

20th March 2014:
Hey, Sam!

I saw the summary and got so excited! And then I started wondering if it was just a trick - because you are definitely capable of that! :p - but once I read it I was so happy! Yes, it was a game but JAMES IS STARTING TO SLOWLY ADMIT TO HIS FEELINGS FOR OLIVER EEEK!

The show sounded awesome and I love how authoritative Oliver got! And by the sounds of it, James liked it too hehehehe ;)

But will Oliver actually call James Jamie? Or is it just a random thing? I'm just asking because I'm curious :p

I can't wait to read more of this! Is it going to be awkward in the morning? Or will it make them do it more? FDJBGKVJF

QUESTIONS!

Anyway, I loved this chapter! I love all the things you write!

Can't wait for the next one!

10/10

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Hey, Kayla!

I admit, I am capable of tricking people and putting a kiss in a summary but it not happening to James and Oliver would be a really big trick that I could have done. But I wanted to give you something between them. :D

His feelings are pushing forward, but he doesn't know what they are to admit them yet. He won't while drunk.

Oh, James did. ;)

It was a random, spur-of the-moment thing to say when he said it, Oliver doesn't feel comfortable calling him that, but you never know. Maybe one day it will be Ollie and Jamie. :P

The morning is... already ready to be written, as is the whole chapter. ;)

I LOVE QUESTIONS! ASK AWAY!

Thank you so much for leaving a review!

Sam.


 Report Review

Review #14, by ohmymerlinPlaying Pretend: The Last Remaining Fan

19th March 2014:
Hey, Amanda! I'm here from my review thread! :)

First of all, I don't know why you're not confident in this! It's absolutely brilliant! Your descriptions and imagery are just phenomenal!

The story makes perfect sense! I have to admit it was a bit jumpy but so was Gilderoy so it suited the one-shot. It all flowed, but the dramatic changes of his behaviour made it feel very real.

The ending tied it together perfectly. It was nice the way you ended it, he was ready to go and he was being a good person (ish). :p

I also loved the title of the book (and the one-shot), 'Playing Pretend'! That was really clever! And I liked that you included that little old lady! It was very sweet!

You also asked about Lockhart's characterisation. I think you have written it fantastically. The way you wrote his deterioration and how he had 'good days' and 'bad days' was so good I can't even articulate how good it was!

This wasn't a very helpful review - mostly just fangirling :p - but feel free to request again!

A definite 10/10 from me!

- Kayla :)

 Report Review

Review #15, by ohmymerlinDefiant Blood, Defiant Love: A Pettigrew Party

19th March 2014:
Hello! I'm here from my review thread! :)

First of all, this is a really good first chapter! I loved the opening of it. However, I don't know if Hogwarts would have had a counsellor back in the seventies. Even though some schools did - Hogwarts was generally behind the times so...

But it is fanfiction so you can do what you want! And I love the opening far too much for you to change it!

I do have a tiny bit of criticism, but it's just grammar and spelling, really.

"That's not it," Andromeda fidgeted again.

"Seventh year, Slytherin," she motioned at her green scarf that was wrapped loosely around her neck.

"There is no 'I don't'," Andromeda crinkled her brow.

Those all should have a full-stop instead of a comma after the speech within the dialogue :)

Andromeda laughed nervously, not really laughing at all.

Although I understand what you're trying to say, this comes off as a little strange. Maybe try:

Andromeda let out a nervous laugh.

or

Andromeda laughed nervously, not finding it that funny at all.

See how it flows a bit better?

But other than that, everything was really good!

I really like the way you've written Andromeda. She seems to be well-rounded and I love reading everything in her POV.

I also really like Rabastan! Well... I don't like him seeing as he is extremely sexist and a terrible person to non-Purebloods (so does that make him racist?) but I like that you've made him that way. The way he forces himself onto Andromeda is very sad, but it's true of the way Pureblood (and some Muggle) men treat women. And he was trying to come off as complimenting her that he wants to marry her but it's just the premise for an abusive relationship - he's already giving her bruises!

So yeah, I like how accurate you've written him. But not him, if you know what I mean? :p

Also, Narcissa was written really well! I have always thought as a young girl she was very silly and naive and it was only once she married Lucius (by the way, LOVED the quote, 'at least he uses his head as much as his mirror') she became the woman we know from the books!

And aw, Sirius saving his friend! Poor Peter, they were so horrible to him! Why was he at the Astronomy Tower anyway?

I really loved how James said the serious/Sirius joke. It made me laugh really loudly. I feel like in their first year the boys would always make jokes about it but it would eventually die out and only pop up in random moments :p

So yeah, this was a great first chapter! You're a very good writer!

Feel free to request again!

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: So sorry for taking so long to reply! I was finishing up my finals but your review was one of the most helpful so far!

Thank you so much for all the corrections, I will definitely brush up on those.

I'm glad you enjoyed my writing. I tried my best to portray Narcissa as a real character. I feel like people don't go in depth with her and since she's my favorite I want to give everyone a different idea of her.

The Sirius/serious jokes are awesome haha there are so many memes about them they always make me laugh so hard. It's Riddikulus ( did you catch that? wink wink).

Thanks again, you're amazing :))


 Report Review

Review #16, by ohmymerlinOff the Rails: sixty

17th March 2014:
Aw, I love James and Lily's sibling-ship. They're so cute and you write it fantastically.

(Side note: I'm writing this on my phone waiting for my lecture to start so excuse any errors)

I also love the way you write Harry! He's so brilliant!

Actually, all your characters are brilliant :D

And poor Maddie, she just doesn't want to admit that she's going to miss Cato! Poor thing!

I love the way you write Quidditch, don't worry if J. K. Rowling's stuff doesn't match up! I haven't read it yet but I think yours is a very accurate portrayal!

Anywho, this was another wonderful chapter. I can't believe we're so close to the end ! :'( I know that there's going to be a sequel but !!!

Can't wait to read the next one!

10/10

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Ah, the reviewing-on-phone tactic. I've tried that a few times before, it's gone wrong every time. I admire your dedication!

I think the James/Lily relationship was one of James' redeeming features in the first chapters of this fic, before he matured. He was a pillock in lots of ways, but his love for Lily is adorable, if I do say so myself. As for Harry, I LOVE that you love him, because he really is a hoot to write now Voldemort's dead.

Oh, Maddie. The Maddie/Cato thing came out of nowhere (ages ago, mind; I've probably known I was going to do this from about the time I was writing chapter 16 or so) but I think they're cute. If they ever get the chance to get together. ;)

Oh, I'm not overly fussed about the Quidditch not matching with JK's info. For a start, lots of people either don't read what's posted on Pottermore or don't consider it to be canon, and secondly I've been working on this story for so long that it's become my head-canon - and besides, there's not much editing I can do at this stage to make it JK-compliant. It's frustrating in the sense that I found it a total headache to create the World Cup structure, and in the end she had her own vision of it all along, which could have saved me some hard work. But I'm not that miffed, it was just one of those "it would happen NOW" moments.

I know, we've only got a few more chapters to go until the finish! Crazy, huh? Still, least there's the sequel to fall back on :) Thanks as always for your review!


 Report Review

Review #17, by ohmymerlinReasons to Smile: Alexa: When Emotions Break Through

14th March 2014:
*names a story Reasons to Smile*

*first chapter is extremely angsty and sad*

Wow, Sam, this is a new record! :p I naively thought that this story would be happy and such but I guess I should have known :p

Why isn't Alexa speaking to Kieron or Theo?! And Alexa and Al are having marital problems? D:

And Molly has (I'm assuming) dementia? D:

Nooo why can't they all be happy and eat and puke sunshine and rainbows?! D:

Anyway, I love the way you write things. You write it so well and Alexa seems like a great mother!

Can't wait to read chapter 2!

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: *wonders if she needs to hide*

Ah, I love surprising people. Let's do that with titles, really mess with them. :P Nah, Lexi just needs to find the reasons first... :)

She's trying to handle something really big and she doesn't know how. On both counts.

Yes, Molly has Alzheimer's. :(

Because if they were all happy and outed sunshine and rainbows, I'd have no story. *hugs*

Thank you so much for leaving a review, Kayla!

Sam.


 Report Review

Review #18, by ohmymerlinDecoding the Tutshill Tornados: The One with the Birthday

14th March 2014:
Oh, poor James! That would suck on your birthday! At least he forced his way to help - you can't say he isn't determined!

And ah, drunk James. I missed the guy, haha! He's so funny when he's drunk - you write it really well!

I really loved this chapter. This is a short and sucky review but it's past 6 am (I woke up at 5 because my sleeping pattern is stupid) and I'm on my phone :p

Anyway, can't wait to read the next one! :D

- Kayla :)

 Report Review

Review #19, by ohmymerlinCity of Angels: One

14th March 2014:
Hey, Isobel! Sorry for the delay on this! I'll just jump straight into it, shall I?

I think Dennis' characterisation may be a LITTLE out of canon, but we hardly see him and after the Wizarding War - and especially after losing Colin - he could become how you've depicted him. I've just always had an image of him being a little naive and sensitive, but to see him snapping and being - quite frankly - rude to people gave me a little shock, but it's believable. You've pulled it off well and I don't think you need to worry about it too much! Even though I said it was a little out of canon, you've made it work and made it make sense. You've done a great job with that!

I kind of feel sorry for Kaitlyn. Dennis is such a liar and he seems really grumpy and moody, and Kaitlyn seems sweet and doesn't deserve someone like him. I know he's an innocent man but I feel like he's treating her unfairly and I admire her for still sticking with him.

I also got the impression that she was a Muggle but her not being surprised about the owl was a good indicator that she wasn't :p

You also asked about the descriptions of Egypt but I feel like I can't really comment on that. I've never been to Egypt so I have no clue if they're accurate or not - this is so ignorant but I just think of sandy deserts, to be quite honest - but you did describe them quite nicely. You definitely have a knack for description!

Now, the second part!

Okay... is Wayne the Minster of Magic of Nevada? :O I didn't see THAT coming! And WHAT?! His wife is dead but she's alive?! That's so bizarre!

And why does Pansy want to entrap the Minister of Magic? :O What has that naughty man done?

You definitely succeeded in being eerie and creepy! You've also got me asking all these different questions because I'm so curious about what the flop is going on! I don't think you need to worry about the eeriness/creepiness/mystery, you've got that down pat!

And now the last part!

Yes, you definitely made me ask questions! I'm a bit frustrated that I don't know who the elusive boss is but it's not extremely annoying that it puts me off. It definitely draws the readers in!

At first I was thinking maybe the elusive 'He' is the Minister for Magic - Wayne - but then you wiped that theory away when he asked for Misty to share information. I can't think of who this person is at all! I have NOTHING.

And yes, you definitely got the mysterious balance right! I find it a little disgusting the way He treats Misty but I guess that's just what happens when you work for a criminal. Well... we don't know if he's a criminal but I'm definitely getting that vibe from him!

I think the chapter as a whole was brilliant. It was a little confusing and strange that it's split up like that (will the rest of the chapters continue to be like that?) but I do like how well it all connected! I understood immediately why you put Dennis and Pansy in the same chapter but I was confused as to why Misty and Him were in the chapter until they mentioned 'watching' them. I think that's called stalking.

And what?! Dennis murdered someone?! I find that highly unbelievable! Who is this person who thinks that he murdered someone?! I'd like to have a stern chat with them! :p

Ack, you say you want theories but I suck at theories, I'm sorry! Really all that comes to me is that the person who thinks Dennis murdered someone is the same person Dennis and Pansy want revenge on because he (or she) is a crazy psycho who makes up lies about Dennis murdering someone! :p

Anyway, this was a very fascinating chapter, Isobel! I'm super curious as to what's going to happen and how it all pans out!

Feel free to request again!

- Kayla :)

 Report Review

Review #20, by ohmymerlinA Blossoming Romance: Confusing Memories, Green Eyed Boys And Mother's Who Just Won't Listen

12th March 2014:
Hey, Sophie! I've finally caught up - YAY!

Ooh! Al and Lyss are slowly progressing through a relationship - how sweet! However, I did notice a few errors that pulled me out of the story slightly. They're nothing major, but it just distracted me from the plot because I was focusing on the errors instead.

"Sure," I replied as I grabbed a glass and pulled him a pint, "That's two-ninety." I told him as he dug around in his pocket before handing over the muggle money.

This should be: "Sure," I replied as I grabbed a glass and pulled him a pint. "That's two-ninety," I told him as he dug around in his pocket before handing over the muggle money.

The first part of that sentence is right, but after the word pint should be a full-stop and not a comma, and after the word ninety it should be a comma instead of a full stop.

Opening the till I put the money in and headed down the bar, "You okay?" I asked making him look up.

This should be: Opening the till I put the money in and headed down the bar. "You okay?" I asked making him look up.

Again, there should be a full stop instead of a comma. If you have the speaking verb (oh god this is terrible wording, it's so ironic I apologise) after the actual dialogue, then you won't need a comma before the dialogue. And if the words before the dialogue aren't speaking verbs - as I put it so badly previously - then you don't need to put a comma before the dialogue.

I don't know if that makes any sense, my brain isn't doing great today!

I nodded sympathetically, "I know how you feel mum just won't give up on trying to find me a boyfriend. She keeps trying to set me up again with Awful Terry, you know the creep you saved me from last month."

This should be: I nodded sympathetically. "I know how you feel. Mum just won't give up on trying to find me a boyfriend. She keeps trying to set me up again with Awful Terry, you know the creep you saved me from last month."

I changed the comma to a full stop, and I added a full stop after the word feel. You could add one of these bad boys ; in if you'd prefer that instead but it works either way. It makes it flow a lot better. I find that if you actually say the dialogue out loud, or even the whole story, it helps smooth out the tiny errors.

Albus nodded as he held his glass up, "Here's to mother's who just won't listen," Realising I didn't have a glass to clink he said, "Let me buy you a drink, Lyss."

This should be: Albus nodded as he held his glass up. "Here's to mothers who just won't listen." Realising I didn't have a glass to clink he said, "Let me buy you a drink, Lyss."

I changed the comma again, and I also got rid of the apostrophe in mothers. It would have needed an apostrophe if you followed with an item of the mother. E.g. "Don't touch my mother's glass of wine, she may hex you." but when generalising mothers, you don't need an apostrophe :)

Well he said he'd like another date if your up for it.

You've just typed the wrong 'you're' in this sentence :)

"Yeah it's me and Newt boy needs to be out of here by morning," Lorcan laughed as did Chloe, "Any funny business and he's out that window before you can say 'Weasley's Wizard Wheezes'."

"Yeah it's me and Newt boy needs to be out of here by morning." Lorcan laughed as did Chloe. "Any funny business and he's out that window before you can say 'Weasley's Wizard Wheezes'."

I just put full stops before and after the 'Lorcan laughed as did Chloe' (you might want to change that a bit too, maybe try 'Lorcan and Chloe both laughed/Lorcan laughed at the same time as Chloe - it makes it flow a bit better) as having the 'Lorcan laughed' implies that Lorcan said that bit of the dialogue, not Lyss. But if Lyss laughed and you wrote it as:

"Yeah it's me and Newt boy needs to be out of here by morning," I laughed

then that would be correct! I think. I tend not to do it but so many authors do it, I think it's honestly just a matter of personal preference :)

Okay, so I noticed you tend to make quite a few of the same mistakes. A comma only needs to be placed within the speech if it's followed by 'he/she/they said' (and other synonyms for said). It ends with a full stop if it isn't followed by a 'he/she/they said'.

And a comma should only be at the start if the start is 'he/she/they said'. If that doesn't make sense, let me give you an example:

Ted said, "Can you help me moving this table? It's heavy."

Ted was struggling to move the table. "Can you help me moving this table? It's heavy."

Do you see the difference? It's not even that big of a deal but I'm really weird about my commas and punctuation, I really love it and I get really nit-picky about it, haha!

Okay, so the plot! The plot seems to be progressing really nicely! Why did Lyss freak out though? She should have just kept going at it and then she could have a super sexy boyfriend!

Characterisation: I think you're doing great on characterisation! I haven't had any issues with that so far, you're definitely good at that!

Al still seems like an enigma. I'm really curious as to what's going under that noggin. He just seems super private and/or quiet, and I really just want him to open up more!

Anywho, this was a wonderful chapter, Sophie! I'm really enjoying reading this story!

This story is super intriguing and I can't wait until the next chapter comes along! I just need to know what's going to happen with Albus and Alyssa!

That's another thing you're awesome at! You have this knack for getting people to come back to your stories. I don't know how you do it but I keep checking your stories to see if any of them have updated (yes, I read a lot of your stories but I suck and never review but I'm planning on changing that ASAP!)

Anywho, feel free to request again!

- Kayla :)

(And congrats, I think this is the longest review I've ever written - YAY! :p)

Author's Response: Kayla!

I've finally gotten around to answering.

Al and Alyssa action, yes!

I've gotten around to sorting these out on my draft, so I just need to edit on here.

I have to say you've probably taught me more than my English teacher(s) ever did :p Career choice for you there! Haha. I've certainly picked up on things and now I'm trying to edit my other stories as well with my new found wisdom, thanks to you :D So massive thanks *hugs*

Yep, the difference is newly noted and will become my new rule when writing. Nit-picky is great!

Ha! She totally should have, but Lyss thinks it's ever so weird that there is kissing involved between them considering they used to play together as children and grew up together. I think a super sexy boyfriend called Albus Potter is enough to make anyone happy.

Ahh thank you!

Al is a bit of an enigma and hopefully there will be more of his feelings/his brain activity unleashed in up coming chapters, maybe even a bit in his POV. Al is a quiet person in general as well so it doesn't help matters either.

I've been meaning to put up Chapter 5 but haven't got around to it, it's on my (very long and never ending) to-do-list so it should be up soon, hopefully. Hehe, I could tell you spoilers but where's the fun in that :p

Aww you're too kind! *hugs* I'm terrible like that as well, I always end up forgetting to review if it's been a while and I haven't reviewed the first lot of chapters and then I'm on like number 13 or something. Look forward to hearing from you again :)

-Potterfan310
Soph xx

(Longest review ever, you deserve a medal!)


 Report Review

Review #21, by ohmymerlinSimply Smashing: 1.9 X 10^1

7th March 2014:
THEY FINALLY KISSED OMG

YAAAYYY!!!

Oh my god I'm so super curious as to what James did now! And Tiff is pretty great. I've been teased when I was 12 (words that are definitely NOT 12+) and even if those boys were nice to me now (or if I talked to them at all), I still wouldn't ever properly forgive them or be interested in them. Tiff is a nicer person than me :p

(Then again, mine lasted for a whole year so maybe it is a little different but still! Tiff is a pretty nice person!)

I love Freddie so much. He's such an amazing character, I love him so much, ahaha!

This was a great chapter! I'm so excited to see how it all unravels!

Can't wait for the next one! :D

- Kayla :)

 Report Review

Review #22, by ohmymerlinBang: The end of the story of me, Aimee B. Woods

7th March 2014:
Aw, that was a sweet ending! You wrote it really well and it was sweet how even though they went through a massive crisis, they worked it out in the end :')

I think you wrote this story really well and I'm both sad and happy to see the end of it! Happy because everything is tied up nicely but sad because then that means no more updates :(

Anywho, you did a wonderful job on this story! Aimee and James are sweethearts and I loved reading about them! ♥

- Kayla :)

 Report Review

Review #23, by ohmymerlinJames Potter and the Empty House : Valerie

7th March 2014:
Hi there! I'm here from my review thread!

First of all, I am SO sorry about the huge delay on this! I never meant to to go so long, I feel so terrible about it!

Okay, so now onto the review!

Let's do the plot first. It's amazing! It's really original and it is super interesting and intriguing. I haven't read the Maze Runner series yet but I've read a brief synopsis (with no spoilers of course) but it kind of sounds a bit similar?

But I still loved it. The way you described the fire was absolutely amazing! I could really feel the heat and James' fear. And the way you wrote his confusion was absolutely phenomenal.

And I really laughed at how he didn't remember/know Valerie. He was so clueless but he tried hard to remember her, haha!

And Valerie is an awesome character! She seems like a stubborn, strong woman which is my favourite! I love how she called James' sexism out and told him that he was a git - that was brilliant!

Also, James is pretty cool. Even though it's in his point of view, I haven't gotten a real impression out of him just yet - which is fair enough because he's extremely confused and I doubt that he's really himself in this moment. All I can say is that maybe he's a bit too immature but if that's his actual personality, then that's fine! He just seems quite childish but if that was your intention then that's good! Go ahead and ignore me if that is the case! :p

You also asked about the flow and so far, there isn't any issue with it! It's extremely smooth and there's nothing that really pulled me out and made me feel a bit iffy about, so yay!

Ending the chapter on a cliffhanger was done really well! I'm super curious as to what's going to happen so it DEFINITELY draws the readers in!

Overall, you did an amazing job on this chapter. It was a great first chapter and I think you've done a super job on it (oh god, my inner teacher is coming out!) and you don't really need to worry about it so much!

Also, I love the banner! TDA has some incredible artists!

Feel free to request again (and hopefully next time it won't be as long)!

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Hi! Don't worry about the delay! Life can be crazy sometimes :)

It has a similar concept as the Maze Runner I suppose (I have read it) in that the people just wake up suddenly in a mazish place, but I'm going to be taking it in a very different direction! I'm so glad you like the plot :)

Valerie is actually one of my favorite OC's I've written. My goal for her is to make her strong and interesting, but not in the sort of stereotypical "I'm a strong woman so I don't cry or like pink and I hate men" sort of way.

With James, I think being childish is sort of his defense mechanism. If he tried to be serious about everything, he'd have a hrad time dealing with the situation. He's also an 18 year old guy, and in my experience they tend to be a bit immature at times ;)

Thank you so much! I'm so glad everything worked for you!

Isn't the banner stunning? I am always in awe of their talent over at TDA.

I'll definitely pop over and re-request :)

Thanks again!!

Sam


 Report Review

Review #24, by ohmymerlinSomething Worth Fighting For: Chapter 1

6th March 2014:
Hi there, I'm here from my review thread! I'm SO SORRY about the massive delay for this review! I didn't mean to let it go so long but...

Anyway, I'm here now and hopefully that counts for something!

So far, the plotline seems interesting enough! You wrote Ginny's emotions so spectacularly and they were so true and real! You really nailed it! I even got a bit teary!

You also asked if you were staying true to the canon characters and I can definitely say you are! The way you wrote Ginny was astounding, Harry was also amazing, and every single other person that featured in this was done so well!

You definitely have a knack for writing canon characters, and so many people generally struggle with that, so kudos!

I feel bad because this is a short review but I can't say anything except that this is a fantastically written chapter with no flaws!

It's a definite 10/10 from me, you deserve no less!

Again, sorry about the massive delay and I also apologise if this doesn't make that much sense (I'm currently battling a cold) but the point is: I really loved this chapter and you did a wonderful job of it.

Feel free to request again!

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: That's absolutely no problem, I completely understand! Thanks so much for taking the time to R&R! Sorry it took me so long to respond :/

Thank you so much for all your nice comments, each and every one of them hit on something I have been worried about and it's always nice to get some reassurance.

Thanks so much for the 10/10, you really are so so sweet!

I will be sure to request again and I can't wait to hear what you think of Chapter 2.

Thank you so much, again, for taking the time to read this and share your thoughts!
Christy


 Report Review

Review #25, by ohmymerlinMurphy's Law: Reality

5th March 2014:
Hey, Tanya!

THIS WAS SO ADORABLY SWEET! Poor lil James, everything got mucked up for him and HE BROKE THE SNOWGLOBE NOT THE SNOWGLOBE!

If that existed in the Muggle world I would so own one of them. It's such a brilliant invention, I forgot to talk about it in Singularity's review!

I loved how even though he completely stuffed the date up, Lily still fancied him and gave him a kiss. It was definitely not how James expected it but it still worked ;)

This was such a lovely story. You wrote it so well and it definitely deserved Hufflepuff Story of the Month!

Again, you wrote it brilliantly. The characters were perfect (James and Sirius testing that if butter always falls butter down made me laugh very loudly, ahaha!) and the way everything went wrong was really clever. You guys wrote it really well! ♥

- Kayla :)

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>