I would add in a little bit of intro into the beginning, since it picks up later then the last chapter. It doesn't have to be long/detailed, just a little bit of reference to when it is from the last chapter.
I like the characters though. Very nice in consistency with Rose, and you portrayed Lily very well. Report Review
I liked it. i know, very general, but I just liked it. I liked the character parts at the beginning, insight is always good.
I think that you have continued writing in first person successfully.
I was kind of confused in the last couple paragraphs. i am not really sure why, it might just be me, but I wasn't sure what was going on. Report Review
McGonagal and Slughorn were old when the trio was at school, 1990-96. So I don't really think that they would still be around from 2017-2024. Just a thought, because they would be very very old by now.
I liked the other things though. Very good dialouge.Author's Response: Yeah, I discovered after I'd written a fair amount of this that JKR has said that McGonagall had retired by the time Albus and Rose were starting school, but I decided not to rewrite it for a few reasons.
My rationale at the time (which I think is still fairly reasonable) is that while McGonagall certainly wasn't young, she wasn't all that old, either. I have her retire the year she turns 90; given that Dumbledore was 115 when he died, that doesn't seem so outlandish, you know?
Slughorn is definitely older than McGonagall, but we don't quite how old. I enjoy him, and I find the Slug Club to be fun, so I decided to make him as young as possible. He's also close to (re)retirement, though. If I write about Lorcan and Lysander, there will be OCs teaching most classes.
Thank you for reviewing, and I'm glad you're enjoying it. :) Report Review
I liked the continued characterization of them, you stay consistent to them the whole way through. I am very annoyed by Rose, and want to strangle her, so good job with her personality! A true mark of writing a good character is that even though your readers want to kill them, they still love them.Author's Response: Oh, thank you! :) I'm glad you're finding Rose to be so annoying but (hopefully) entertaining as well - that's kind of the way Scorpius feels about her, too. :P Report Review
Very nice, the way Teddy is struggling with his own thoughts and Malfoy's really add depth to the story! His conflict between that, and his fast learning, really gets him across and the reader can identify with him! Report Review
It is a very good start, you provided very good background detail on it, but not so much that we were overwhelmed and wondering where the story was. It was very balanced.
I think that it is very original, and that you make it so by putting in little character aspects of Teddy, like his ending comment.
First person can be both very hard and very easy. I thought that you did a good job, the important thing to remember is that in first person we see/taste/think whatever the character is. So if you think to yourself "oh, Teddy is upset by this," then make sure that he marks that in his thoughts/feelings. If you feel something in your daily life, then Teddy will feel those types of things during his life. So pay attention. If you notice something and have a mental reaction, then maybe mirror that in this story whenever he has something to react to.
very good start, though! Report Review
...I cannot believe you did that to your poor readers! Such a cliffhanger.
But lovely! I liked this chapter a lot!Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review, and I'm glad you're liking the story so far! :)
And yeah, I do that sometimes. :P Cliffhangers are fun! Report Review
I enjoy your characterization of Rose, I feel that we get an accurate insight into her personality within the first little bit. However, she comes across as stuck up, so if that isn't how you want her portrayed, then maybe tone it down a bit or in later chapters have a gradual descent. If she comes across as this in the first chapter, make sure that it is consistent throughout.
I love how you characterize the Gryffindors, it fits in with my personal few of Gryffindor (=)) so I loved it.
When you were talking about the potion lights, the last part was a little messed up.
I really enjoy your plot though, and how you set up the stage for the next chapters.Author's Response: Thanks for the review! :)
I definitely wanted her to come out seeming a bit stuck up. You'll have to tell me if you think that it's not consistent later on, but I *think* it is (though I do mellow her out a bit). :)
Also, good catch on the lights - thank you! :) Report Review
umm..you are going to continue this, right??? It was amazing!
Emily is a dementor who can turn into a human witch, right? I like it a lot, and hope you continue it! Report Review
I like your story line, very good and interesting. It is very different, and I hope that you continue it. I love how you ended the chapter this way, it was really good to showcase her personality.
As a tip to make it easier to read, could you start a new line every time someone talks? It makes it easier to read, so it flows better. Report Review
first off, very original! I liked it! I hope you continue it, because it was very interesting to me, and I am anxious to see where you go with it.
second, did you mean Kleptomania, not kleptophobia? kleptophobia means being afraid of stealing, kleptomania means having the urge to steal. I thought that you might mean mania, but I could be wrong, and if so I'm sorry.
Still, it was well written, and you can really get a feel for mrytle's character. Report Review
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