It's Delia here from the review tag :)
So, this one shot was really good. I've never read Dean/Luna before, but I think you did a brilliant job. Also, I loved your characterization of Luna. She's such a difficult character to capture and I think you did it right.
There is a bit where I don't think during the kiss that Luna would've thought that, or that the kiss would've happened like that, but other than that, it was just about perfect.
~DeliaAuthor's Response: Hey, thanks for coming by! This is my first ever story, and I like to think my writing has improved since then :) But I'm glad you liked Luna, because I was kind of apprehensive about writing her. And I get what you mean about the kiss; it was a little intense, wasn't it?
Thanks again for reviewing! I really appreciate your time :) Report Review
Same advice as last time, you have some odd word choices every now and then. Nothing that a good beta wouldn't be able to fix. Otherwise, everything looks great :)
~DeliaAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for the reviews :) Report Review
Hi, this is Delia here with your requested review :)
So, I think you have a pretty good plot here. Arianthe is an interesting character, although, what happened to Lily? Shouldn't she be going into first year around this time also?
I think you've set up the characters and the story and plot lines well. There are some issues where you have some odd word choices. I'm sure that if you go back and look for them, you'll find them :)
Well, that's all for now. I'm going to read chapter 2 now :)
~DeliaAuthor's Response: Hi Delia!
If I told you what happened to Lily, I would be giving away spoilers. But I promise I didn't forget about her or anything :)
I'll look back and see the word choice. Thanks for the feedback :) Report Review
It's the eyes, it must be :)
So, basically the same thing in chapter one, only a few differences.
First off, I don't think Kiwi would let herself 'fall into' Oliver's arms so quickly if she hates him... maybe more explanation to why she stayed there than the eyes, and that goes for all similar explanation, except the 'we got drunk and had sex' one, because that one was obviously because she was drunk.
So I basically still love this story and will be following it until it ends :) Feel free to rerequest future chapters in my review thread, or I may just review anyways, who knows? I'm here, I'm there, I'm everywhere ;)Author's Response: Many people are saying that Kim and Oliver's relationship is moving too fast, because in chapter one she says she hates him. I don't think I've explained that bit properly, so I'll explain here.
Kiwi doesn't actually hate Oliver per say, she just has a nasty temper and, as she was furious against him because of the broom incident, she exaggerated when expressing her feelings. But she doesn't /hate/ him, definitely not. She just doesn't know how to react to him.
Ah, finally someone who finds the 'we got drunk and maybe had sex, I'm not sure' part not too out of place! Yes, she was drunk and doesn't remember a thing, thank you for accepting it as such...
Awww... I'll be glad to see you follow the story, and I might rerequest if I don't see you around of your own free will!
:) Report Review
Hi! It's LittleMissLizPotter, here with your requested review from the forums :)
So, I have a checklist to work off of, so I'm just gonna go off of that...
POV- The point of view is consistant
Tone- the tone is consistant, and it's enjoyable. It's nice to read fluff material for a change, and you write it well :)
The characters are consistant - I think you did a really good job capturing Cat and Kiwi's :) love that name - characters, as well as Oliver's.
I'd like to know more about Oliver's background - his family, where he lives. I'd also like to meet the rest of the team :)
There was one part where you mentioned Cat and Kiwi getting taken out of Hogwarts, and then that Kiwi graduated with a few NEWTs or something similar - you may want to make that a bit more clear.
I think you did a good job with the events of the story - some people just go 'well then I went there and she said this and then I left and went there and he said this' and whatnot, as opposed to actually putting emotion into the story. You did a good job with that.
I do have one question - I don't think that the insults from Wood were enough to warrant Kiwi's reaction. Or maybe explain her lack of patients or sleep first :) Also, as much as I love the puma thing, I think that Kiwi and Cat are very different people, and therefore have different animagus forms. Maybe Kiwi or Cat could have another form of a cat - example, Kiwi is a mountain lion instead of a puma. Just a suggestion.
And, I really liked this story. So, I'm going to read more. Because I like it. Yeah.
~DeliaAuthor's Response: What name, Kiwi? When I had to name the characters, I only knew her nickname would be Kiwi, and spent quite some time trying to find a name that gave a logical explanation to her being called after a fruit. I'm glad you love it!
You will find out more about Oliver as the story goes on, though it'll probably be scattered in the dialogue and such. And of course the team, well, as you read chapter 2, there you are, and there are definitely some scenes where they're all together (I love writing those)...
Cat and Kiwi got taken out of Hogwarts but went back for the seventh year as Voldemort was dead. They were in Ginny's year, if that's any help for the timeline.
Actually, KIm's spontaneous morphing was not caused by lack of sleep - it's the second reason that's important. Despite anything she says, she still feels awkward around Wood after having had a crush on him (she hasn't seen him since), and those are the amorous issues I meant to talk about. The important thing to realise is that she's not quite sure of how she feels with him around, even though she says she hates him. Need I say that's not really the case? Nah, probably not...
The idea of Cat and Kiwi having different Animagi forms is something I had thought of, but I don't know why, it didn't really seem to click. I think despite their evidently different personalities, they're actually quite similar at the heart - both very loyal, with an explosive temper, and once they're invested into something, they won't fail it.
They have got, though it hasn't appeared in the story yet, different Patroni forms, which reflect the soul. The Animagus form, for me, just comes from the fact that it was the easiest way to stay unseen in the Canadian mountains - a lion, which I wanted to make them at the beginning, is less discrete.
Thank you so much for the lovely review! :)
I hope to see you around? Report Review
It's Delia from the review tag :)
Well, this story is good in theory, but, to be honest, you went way overboard on the grammar/spelling mistakes. There's a balance. For example, even if Ron was young, I think he'd know the difference between 'fell' and 'felled'.
But away from the technical stuff, this was a pretty good one-shot. I like how you decided to work with young Ron instead of making a Ron/Hermione fic. It's good, but again, the spelling/grammar mistakes were overboard.
Maybe a little cleaning up, and it would be great. But for now, it has potential.
~DeliaAuthor's Response: Hi there. Thanks for dropping by from the review tag.
I'm sorry you thought I went overboard with the spelling / grammar mistakes. I based this on my three year old cousin and I actually recorded her speaking, just so I could get the words right, and she spoke like that, so I based this on a real three year old speaking. I knew it was a risk, I knew the reader would either love it or hate it, there would be nothing inbetween. The misspellings and grammar would either wreck the reader's head or they would find it realistic ... I'm sorry you didn't like it and I'm sorry you thought it was an overload, but I did base it on a real three year old, and other people like it and don't find the deliberate mis-spellings and bad grammar too much.
This was just an experiment really. I wanted to get inside the head of a three year old and see the world as they do, and express it in language they do. I knew it would either be hit or miss, but it's the best I can do and I really like it.
Thanks again for the review and the feedback, I do appreciate it and I'm sorry you didn't like it too much. Report Review
This is pretty good, if a little short. There are a few grammar and spelling mistakes, nothing that couldn't be fixed up with a good beta. I think the plot is original. The characters (Lily and James) are a bit cliche (ie. James does something to Lily, Lily blows up, argument ensues, yadda yadda yadda) but who doesn't love a good cliche every once in a while? And it fits with this story.
The flow could have been better, but overall, a fairly enjoyable read. [7/10]Author's Response: Thank you for your review! I don't know what a beta is so if i did i would probably have one. This is my first story so the characters may be a little cliche because i take instances from other stories i've read. I'll work on making the flow better and a ll that stuff. Thank you! Report Review
Hi! I'd thought I'd pop by, since I had time on my hands!
So, the flow of this chapter was mostly smooth, a bit choppy at times. You'll want to be careful about changing the point of view so often. You may want to consider just changing POV every 5-8 paragraphs, instead of every 2-3. Or switch off every chapter.
There were a few grammar mistakes. Sentences that could use fixing, maybe a missing comma here or there. I'd request a beta at the forums. Not sure if you already have an account there, but it's a great resource to help with writing and I highly reccomend using it.
I think your plot's good so far. All of your characters are very consistent so far. Nothing is too absurd. Sometimes you see that at the beginning of a story. For example, the main character will pull off an extraordinary peice of magic on their first day back, and they're in fourth year. It's just realistic is what I'm trying to say and that's a good thing.
One thing that did stick with me was the beginning. Albus woke up and didn't even spend 3 minutes in bed before Ginny was yelling at him. Maybe put in a paragraph where he's, I dunno, thinking or something? Just a suggestion. Also, another random little thing that stuck is when you were in Rose POV, you said, 'Harry is an Auror too,' or something to that effect. Anyway, since you had been using past tense so far, (ex. "What time is it?" Rose asked.) you'd say 'Harry was an Auror too,' even though he still is an Auror in present time.
Anyway, I think it's a good start, and I'm going to read the rest now!
~Delia Report Review
I really like that. I loved how you painted Percy in this one-shot. It really shows what he may have been on the inside, rather than from Fred&George's point of view, which is bookworm or git.Author's Response: I love bookworms, I'm a bookworm and I always thought Percy was painted unfairly. Anyway, I'm glad you liked this one-shot. :) Report Review
Well, this story is nice! I think you have a great first chapter! You've so far made Juliette a very consistant character, and you're very good at descriptives. You don't spend to much time on it but you give just enough detail to get the picture in our heads.
You have a few grammar mistakes that can easily be fixed, and at some times, the story just seemed like words, not really relevent. But overall, great start! Report Review
That was hilarious. It pointed out all of the things that are in all Dramiones. I mean, if the author spices it up a bit, you can have a really great story that's a Dramione. But most authors just do this, and it was fun to see them made fun of (no offence)Author's Response: Thanks! It's good that I could get the cliches down, because I really don't read any Dramiones for those reasons :p
Oh no, I completely understand, no offence taken. I agree, there are some very brilliant authors out there that probably can make it work. Dramione is just a ship I will never wrap my head around. Thanks so much for reading, and for leaving a review! Report Review
I love it I love it I love it I love it I love it!
It really puts a new perspective on Harry and Hermione's relationship that we don't see a lot in Jo's books.
Love it. 10/10 Report Review
This was amazing. Wow. Amazing. You really deserved that Dobby Award.Author's Response: Thanks so much (: Report Review
That was really good! The only critiscm I have is that your spacing was a little off, making it sort of difficult to read. But from a writing quality standpoint, I really like it!!! 9/10Author's Response: Thanks very much! I think this was one of my first stories and I had no idea how to work the internet hahaha. Report Review
Okay. Um. I've never read something like that. Not that it wasn't good! I think you got Dumbledore, McGonagall, Draco, and Pansy's dialouge down, meaning that you wrote them saying stuff in the manner I thought they should say stuff in. But McGonagall, Snape, and Dumbledore were out of character.
Which, you know, makes sense, because of what this is about.
So, all in all, well written, a lot Other Cannon, not really my style, but pretty good. 8/10 :) Report Review
That was amazing, as always. I love your stories (yes, all of them)
Delia Report Review
I like this story! Which is, you know, surprising because not many stories make the cut on the Stories-I-Will-Actually-Read meter.
That's a compliment, by the way.
~LittleMissLizPotter Report Review
I love this story, and really all of you stories. You're a great writer! I love love love it.
And, by the way, I love your banner. It's so colorful and beautiful. Report Review
That was pretty good. It was super funny. Please keep writing!
Favorite quote: My face hit metal. Who wears metal on their chest? It should be illegal; it's clearly dangerous.
[9/10] Report Review
I love it. I also really like you other story Out of Your Depth. Maybe you could read my story? Now I feel like I'm begging for someone to read my story. It's called Exchange by the way.
Sorry, I'm talking way to much about myself. I really loved this, it's a beautiful piece of literature.
-Delia RoseAuthor's Response: Thanks ever so much, Delia! And sure, I'll get on it right away and be sure to leave a review.
xxx Report Review
yay love this story all i have to say *huge hug* Report Review
Charlie. Definatly Charlie. I like her. She's funny. Keep writing, this is an awesome story.Author's Response: I like Charlie too. Her character is sort of more challenging to write than the others because I'm attempting to make her more mature than Dessie and Aphrodite but that's difficult for me considering the fact that I'm just a kid myself (:
The next chapter is in the queue! Thanks for the review :D Report Review
"One day, Lily Evans, I'm going to marry you." Smooth, James. Report Review
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