Okay, first off, I'm going to say that I'm a Romione shipper and I'm not a fan of Dramione :P BUT you're a very good writer, which made reading a Dramione (despite the fact there really was not Dramione action here) enjoyable. Your descriptions really brought me into the story, which was awesome! I'm also wondering, as this is a seventh year AU, how the war is going to come into play here. I love the characterizations in here! Oh, and Hermione's exchange with Theodore was well done and I enjoyed reading it :) Excellent job!Author's Response: Hi there! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I'm glad you enjoyed the first chapter. This is definitely not your typical Dramione. They won't be together for a long, long time. :] But I'm glad you liked the descriptions and the introduction to this story. Thanks again for reviewing. I appreciate it!
--Emily Report Review
Okay, I'm a grammar Nazi, but this, I could forgive. Why? Because you left an impression on the reader. Despite the horrendous grammar of a three year old Remus, this was very well written. I really like that you started the story with this: a non-canon memory that changed the character forever. I like how it's all from a three year old's perspective because you took something that we know and understand and gave it a new meaning through different eyes. I love that! I liked (hated?) the irony when Mr. Lupin tells Remus that he's going to live for a hundred years - way to wake up my sad feels :( But this was so well done. Kudos to you for pulling off the three year old speak so awesomely! Yay! :) Anyway, I'll be coming back for more soon ;) This was such a brilliant start. 10/10Author's Response: Cheers! I'm a grammar Nazi too, so I understand where you're coming from - that's what made me so apprehensive about this story, because I was making deliberate and intentional grammar mistakes, and I thought it would put people off or else wreck their head while they tried to read. But to hear from another grammar fanatic that they can forgive the deliberate mistakes here, really means a lot - so cheers for that! :-)
I'm glad you liked the three year old perspective though. So many stories just either start when he was bitten, then jump until he is starting Hogwarts or else just start with him going to school. I just felt that there was a lot more material in his early childhood and should be explored. And in this novel I don't just want to trace the story of his life - I want to tell the story of his pain - because I think a lot of his pain is overlooked by most people - death marked his life just as painfully as it marked Harry's and that is something I want to capture. I want to give reasons why he is the character he is when we meet him during Harry's time. I want to document what I think are the influences that moulded him into the man we know. I just thought there was a lot of material to be explored in his early childhood so I went with this. I just felt that I had to write it from a three year old's perspective because I want this story to seem real, I want the perspective to grow as Remus grows - I just figured that was the only way to properly capture his life. Plus this was the only way I could properly capture the loss of innocence - it is all the more moving if it is actually told in a voice of such a young child.
Sorry about waking up sad feelings there with regard to Remus living for a hundred years. I know he doesn't, but his dad does not know that, and it's every parent's wish that their child live a long and full life, so I just felt I had to include that line, even though it is ironic and sad and tragic because we all know how this ends.
Anyway, thanks so much for all the nice things you've said. And if you do indeed come back for more, I hope you enjoy the rest of it.
Thanks again :-) Report Review
Hey, there! Ravenclaw_Charm here from the forums. First, I need to apologize for my lateness. I'm really sorry about that! But onto your review...
Wow, really amazing prologue. You're a very good writer. I could feel sympathy towards Narcissa, and the descriptions were well-written. I'm really interested now because you've provided a vague and intriguing beginning, and it's in a world we don't see much: Narcissa's years at Hogwarts. I wonder what exactly happened to her that could make her feel this way.
Anyway, well-written beginning to what seems like an excellent fic! Again, I'm really sorry about the wait :P Good luck with writing and feel free to re-request!Author's Response: No need to apologize, I really appreciate the review! I try my best to engross the reader, and I'm glad it's working. I hope to delve more deeply into her character and get a lot of people to like her. Thanks again xx Report Review
Hi, there! Ravenclaw_Charm from the forums here (: First off, I want to say how terribly sorry I am for how late this is! I thought I had already done this, then I checked and I hadn't and now I feel awful :P But here's your review...
I think you pulled this off quite well. Peter is, of course, the little follower as usual, barely being seen or heard. James and Sirius are the big pranksters, the rulers of the school. But it seems like you portrayed James here more mean than I've pictured him; here, he's not arrogant but just plain rude :/ (That poor little first year...) You've portrayed Lily as the good girl, honest and true and all that, which is great considering the little time we had to see her. Remus is the level-headed one of the gang, and you've portrayed him quite well :) Good job with the characterizations!
Ah, so Sirius does have a heart! And James isn't too happy about being Head Boy, and neither is Lily. Despite the fact that I haven't seen too much plot development so far, this ought to be interesting... ;) Just keep up with the pranks, shenanigans, and drama, and you'll have an awesome plot!
You keep readers hooked with your dialogue, for sure. You also sprinkle in some description, which is good, so we know where we are. So far, you're doing well :)
Everything flowed together well, except for the transition from the feast to post-feast. There weren't any asterisks between like normal, so it disrupted the flow a bit.
I noticed that you changed tenses a couple times - in the beginning of the chapter and when you introduce us to Lily. Also, I've noticed some errors in capitalization and punctuation. It's all really small stuff, so nothing to worry about :)
All in all, I think you've got a cute love story beginning to form here! I'm kind of interested to see why this is all from Remus's POV. What did he witness that was so important? What were his thoughts through all of this?
Again, I'm really sorry about the wait, and I hope I wasn't harsh or anything! Happy writing! You're doing a good job so far :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to review my story!
I'm currently working with a beta to have all those grammatical errors fixed!
I'm glad that you've taken an interest of the spin that I've put into these characters. I hope that you continue to read on to see how they've developed as well as the plot ^_^
Thanks again! Report Review
Great first chapter! I love the idea of the Dare Jar Club! I'm curious to see what type of mischief they'll get into ;) Oh, and I thought their signatures on the contract were hilarious - love the AVPM reference! But, um, where's Scorpius? :/ I really like where you're going with this story. Keep it up!Author's Response: Thanks for such a great review! Love all the positive feedback and specific things you like! Report Review
Another brilliant chapter! But DARN, I wanted Ted and Victoire to kiss D: Looks like I was right, though - Gabrielle and Ted are going to get together! Holy Merlin, I wonder what's going to happen with that! I'm glad that Michael's getting over Victoire; that would've been quite messy if he was still angry Michael. And James is so precious! I wonder if his dreams will become important again? It's adorable that he thinks Vic and Ted should get married! Especially since we know that later (in canon) he catches them snogging on the train ;) Anyways, keep writing awesome chapters like this! I'm really loving this story :DAuthor's Response: Thank you! And yes, I think everyone wanted them to kiss! But as usual, Merlin hates Vic, so that wasn't going to happen. And good call there! It's very good that he's getting over Victoire. Can you imagine if this was a love square story instead of a love triangle? That'd be so annoying. James is quite the cutie! But no, his dreams won't be anything useful, as of now. He's just scared of Voldy. Report Review
"It isn't the best story right now"? You're kidding, right? This chapter was bunches better than the first! (Although, they're both awesome ;]) My favorite part was definitely Madison and Victoire double-teaming Scott, and Victoire punching him :D That was brilliant. I love how Victoire knows how to throw a punch, especially since Ron taught her because Hermione hit Draco. ;) Oh, and Victoire punching James - hilarious!This story is just so enjoyable to read, and it flows so well! YAY! I'm not sure how I feel about Michael liking Victoire, though. I'm a total Teddy/Victoire shipper, but I think Gabrielle might go out with him o.O But excellent job on this story! I'm loving it so far :DAuthor's Response: I'm glad that you enjoy it so much! The double teaming of Scott was very fun to write. I figured that realistically, with all those uncles she'd know how to punch someone. Thank you very much! Report Review
Awesome start to a story! You really got me hooked with those first few lines ("No, I wasn't the one broken up with. I'm flattered you thought that though."). Your narration is easy and enjoyable to read. It's also interesting that you made Victoire undesirable by the boys, since normally she's the one they're begging on their knees for; it's an interesting and different view, which I like :) Oh, and I love the Teddy/Victoire in here! They are SO CUTE. Your story is very quirky and funny, and I'll definitely be reading more! See you next chapter ;)Author's Response: Yay! i'm glad you were hooked so easily! Now it's Vic who thinks boys aren't falling all over her, in actuality, boys are falling all over she just doesn't see it (but more on that later). Thank you very much! Report Review
Hi there! Ravenclaw_Charm here with your requested review :)
Your characterization is quite good :) Fred and Louis have that Wotter cockiness that I see a lot, which makes a lot of sense since they're Wotters, haha. This also makes Louis's narration enjoyable to read; he's VERY talkative though! Just as long as you don't go overboard with information and Louis's rambling, we'll be good ;) But Louis is entertaining and sassy, which I like. I really love Thady, though. "Bar-ner in crime" - haha, corny but cute! Dillion doesn't seem like his father's son, but there must be lots of reasons why he's bitter (other than a bad breakup). Oh, and I love how Seamus owns the bar! Hahaha a little Irish stereotyping, perhaps? ;)
Grammar really helps with flow, and I saw quite a few punctuation mistakes. Just skim through the chapter, and you should be able to find them. Also, you switch tenses a couple times. I'm not really familiar with writing in past tense, but I think you should give that a look. Oh, and I found three instances where flow was a problem:
1) "'not so bright' Uncle Ronald Weasley" should be "'not so bright’ uncle, Ronald Weasley." The comma kind of helps with the flow of the sentence, and it's more grammatically correct.
2) "If we weren't friends I would gladly date her, but we were so that was out of the question," was a bit of a confusing sentence. Perhaps say, "but we were friends so that was out of the question," to make the meaning clearer.
3) Where did the girl, Ariel, come from? I had to stop and reread to see if I missed something, but she kind of appeared out of nowhere, haha.
I really like how you started the story explaining how all the Wotters have figured out their place in life, but Louis is still lost. It's very relatable, and it's a good introduction. I'm also wondering what part Fred is going to have in this story. Hm...it's quite interesting and I can't wait to see what you do with it :)
I hope I wasn't too harsh! Good luck with this story! You're off to a great start :DAuthor's Response: Hi :)
I know he's very talkative sorry. It's my first time writing from a guys POV and I'm still trying to get use to it but hopefully I can pull it off better soon as I get a better hang of it :) and yeah the boys definitely have that Wotterness to them, they just won't be Wotter's unless they have those cockiness :p I'm glad you like Louis as character! And yeah there will be more to Dillon than just the break-up :)
Sorry I tend to skip from past to present but I'll get that look through again at some point :) also I shall need to add to that, the bit where Ariel comes into the scene.
I can totally related to Louis as I doesn't know what I want to do in life either. I wanted to make it realistic as possible.
We shall find out what part Fred plays in the novel soon :)
No no you weren't too harsh. Your comments were helpful :D Report Review
Hey, there! It's Ravenclaw_Charm here with your requested review! :)
I'm liking where this is going. I'm glad you started at this point - end of Year 5 where Snape and Lily's friendship crumbles. There's a lot of tension, and Lily's just heartbroken right now. It makes for an excellent beginning to your plot, and I want to see where you go from here!
I enjoy reading your writing style. It's easy and flows together nicely. You kept my interest from start to finish, which is great because this chapter runs on the longer side. In addition, you twist ending was great :D You make the reader want to read on. Like I said, you chose to start at a really good point, and it helps keep the reader interested. Good job!
Your character descriptions are very strong, and I loved reading about them. They were well written - awesome job! The common room scene between Lily and James was incredibly sweet, and their interaction there was so cute and realistic :) I felt a strong relationship forming between them. All your character interactions were well done, actually. The high point for interactions, I think, was at the end when Lily gets angry at James. All the things she says is true, and it makes you wonder what's going on in her head; there's much more going on in there than you once thought...
Um, I'm not really an expert because I'm not a Brit, haha. But from what I read, I think you did well :) There are tons of sites that have British expressions and their meanings, so I suggest you check those out.
All your characters seem canon, which is awesome :) The only thing I noticed was that James spent his fifth year chasing after Lily, but here he seems like he just likes to annoy her and he's unsure if he has feelings for her. This is probably just unique to your plot, but it was just something I noticed.
I noticed small grammar mistakes like punctuation, and I caught a fragment in there that slightly disrupted the flow. It's not a big deal, though. :)
This seems like an excellent start to a great James/Lily fic! Keep up the good work and thanks for requesting! :)Author's Response: Hi hi hi :) Whooohoo I loved this review!
Thank you, thank you so much! Really! I'm especially glad you liked the James/Lily common room scene, there have been mixed feelings about that in reviews, so... cute and realistic? YAY! Working on the grammar I'll get it done asap :) thanks loads for taking the time to review! Report Review
Wow, brilliantly written first chapter. I'm so curious to find out what this "Society" is.
Hm...do I see feminism as an underlying theme? (Or something?) Well, you've definitely caught my attention!
Your descriptions are great, and, like I said, this first chapter was so well written. You haven't revealed too much, so I want to read more! This seems like a very promising fic. Good job! :) 10/10 Hope to see you again in BvB!Author's Response: 10/10?! Really?! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!!
This is actually my very first fanfiction, but it's fallen by the wayside in favor of a challenge story that I'm writing...
There will definitely be more information to come, probably later this summer or early fall, and I can only hope that the new chapter meets the standard of this one. :)
Again, I'm very glad that you liked it and that you think it has promise. It's kind of my baby. ;) Report Review
Hey, Ravenclaw_Charm here with your requested review. I cannot say how terribly sorry I am about how long this took. RL has been busy for the past few months, but I've finally found some free time! :) Anyway, on to the review.
I love all your characters, especially Kestrel. She's such a unique OC, and I feel like I really relate to her. She's very complex, and I enjoy reading her thoughts. You've written her very well - awesome job! In addition, I'm very curious to find out what happened to her, why she doesn't like getting close to people. Harry was also written well; I thought he was quite close to canon but in a more adult sense. I love how Kestrel respects him; that was my favorite line in this chapter. (I've always respected Harry Potter - and that's about as close to emotion that I get - because he never cared what others thought of him. He carried on doing what he knew was right, even when people were calling him a liar and a lunatic.) I also can't wait to see more of James; he seems very sweet and definitely his father's son, so it will be interesting to see how you write him and his interactions with Kestrel.
I love your descriptions! I really felt like I was there, so good job!
The emotions at the beginning of the chapter were a real high point here. I could really feel Kestrel's anxiety, and it really helped me get into the chapter.
I didn't find anything - yay!
All good here :) I want to add that I loved the stomach and throat face, and the transition from this to words being a weapon was great.
I'm really interested to read what happens next! Keep writing! Good job :) Report Review
This was really good! You could really feel for McGonagall here, and you created a relationship that is not touched upon much in the books: McGonagall and the Marauders. The descriptions really bring the reader into the story - nice! :) This was so well written, and I absolutely love it. It's nice to read a story we know so well from a different perspective, and you executed this brilliantly. Awesome job! :D 10/10Author's Response: Thank you so much. I really enjoyed writing this particular setting from McGonagall's POV. I think it brought something new to the same sort of story. Thank you for your review. :) Report Review
Hi, it's Ravenclaw_Charm here with your requested review! Sorry this took forever! :P
Anyway, this was a beautifully written one-shot. I have no critiques. I found one spelling mistake - unawares shouldn't have the "s" at the end - but other than that, you're good. You're so talented. You captured Bill's emotions so perfectly; I love it! The funeral scene - though incredibly depressing and heart-wrenching (RIP Fred) - was my favorite. It shows that their relationship is strong enough to get through anything that comes their way. Also, the restaurant scene was incredibly cute! Your descriptions and characterizations were brilliant. Again, an amazing one-shot! 10/10
Sorry, again, for taking so long! Thanks for requesting! :)Author's Response: Hey! No worries about the waiting length -- honestly, the fact that you came by at all is awesome. :) Thanks for the review!
Oh, I'm so glad you liked this. (And actually, 'unawares' can be spelled with an 's' at the end. It's a sort of choice thing, an older usage of the word, and sometimes it makes a piece more poetic, I think.) And I'm really glad you like the Weasley characterization, too -- you got exactly what I wanted you to out of the funeral scene!
Again, thank you very much for taking them time to review this. :) Hope to see you back here before too long! ♥ Report Review
Hey, there! I'm so sorry this took SO long! D: RL has been extremely demanding lately. But I'm here now!
Again, I think you're handling it quite well. The quote was not as obvious here as in the first chapter, but I can still see it in your writing so that's good!
DO I WANT TO KEEP READING?:
Oh, for sure! I'm not familiar with cerebral palsy, so I'm interested to see how this affects Hannah and Neville. I'm also curious as how this will affect Benji's magical development. Is he a Squib? Or will he shock us all and be really powerful? But you've really capture my attention with this fic! It's very original and I want to see where you go with it :)
You portray Neville, Hannah, and Gran very well; they're pretty much canon. References to events/descriptions from the books (Gran's clothing, the war, etc.) help with characterization. Benji is adorable and well done as well. Your heart just really goes out to him because he just the cutest little thing. I felt terrible for Hannah and Neville at the end, too. That's just so depressing. And Hannah thinks it's her fault... You wrote all the emotions so perfectly in just a few paragraphs.
I'm going to assume that the cerebral palsy is the sensitive topic. (Correct me if I'm wrong. I can be quite naive at times.) Like I said before, I'm not very familiar with the disability (I'm sorry if I'm using the wrong term), but I think you handled this very well. I mean, how does one react when you find out your child has a mental disability? You wrote all the reactions and emotions so well, so kudos to you! Plus, you have a personal connection to Benji's situation and that makes this more real. Well done!
Like I said in my previous review, you sprinkle description in, but in this chapter, the descriptions were rather lacking. I really shouldn't be one to talk, though, since I'm not big on description either, haha. But just a couple descriptions of the hospital here and there would help. :)
I'm a grammar Nazi, sorry! I noticed some grammatical errors with dialogue. Also, there were some typos. If you just read through this chapter again, you'll catch them! No weird spelling mistakes, though, so that's good :)
The flow and pace is well done. Everything just works together, which is great! The only problem I found was this piece of dialogue:
"No, I told him what was going on with Benji and Harry understood. He always does. Harry is a great man. Besides, its been slow at the Ministry right now since most of the former Death Eaters have been caught. Ginny is pregnant by the way." He told her with a few shrugs in between sentences
Okay, first of all, there's no period at the end of the paragraph. Second, the placement of "Ginny is pregnant by the way" is awkwardly placed, and it disrupted the flow. Perhaps a pause before the statement will make it less awkward? But that's the only problem I found :)
Another great chapter! I'm curious to see what happens next! Please update soon! Again, I'm so sorry for being SO late :P Thanks for re-requesting, though! Excellent fic :DAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I am glad that you liked the story and what to read more! =)
I am excited to see that you are thinking about the bigger picture with Benji and what this means for him in a magical sense. No one else has brought that up. So I hope you like what happens in future chapters.
I really worked hard on the characterizations in this chapter since I didn't feel that I did Gran the full justice in the first chapter it is nice to hear/read that you like them. Benji is an awesome character to write. I hope that you will continue to like these characters and what happens with them as the story progresses on.
Yes, Cerebral Palsy is the sensative topic. It will be touched upon a great deal in chapter three. I really want the readers to understand what this is and how it will affect Benji, his parents and his life. You are using the right term so no worries. =)
I agree that the descriptions could use some work in this chapter. I think I focused more of surroundings then I did anything else. I plan on making sure I change a few things up in this chapter.
Grammar...my biggest foe! I would rather you point this out to me since I know I struggle with it. So thank you for doing so! Yes, I will be editing this chapter. I read through it after it was posted and wrote down areas of change between the typos, grammar and dialogue.
Thank you again so much for reading and reviewing! =)
-SR17 Report Review
Hey, I'm here from the BvB battle!
Just...wow. It's a short first chapter, but you just painted a beautiful (in terms of style) picture of post-war Wizarding World. You've really captured my attention - especially with the last few sentences - and I want to read more! It's really brilliant opening, and I can't wait to see where you're going with this (:
Great job and happy writing! :DAuthor's Response: Hello! I'm very glad you enjoyed this! I was and still am so particular with the detail, which is strange as I don't know where this story will go exactly, but I'm glad you love it. I purposely left pieces of the puzzle out just to get people's attention and it seems as if I did a pretty good job doing just that. Hopefully there will be an update soon, as I have restarted the next chapter again...Thanks so much for the review!
~Grimmerz Report Review
Hi, I'm here from the BvB Battle! :)
Another great chapter! Pepper's narration is just so amusing - you've got me hooked :)
Hugo is hilarious. I love how he's just running around the entire chapter, snapping pictures of anything. If only there was a social network for Hogwarts...haha, I could see Hugo posting those pictures and tagging Pepper in them ;)
I love all your characters! Your characterization and descriptions are great without being overwhelming. I just noticed a couple grammatical mistakes but nothing too major ;)
I really enjoyed reading about Rose and Pepper's friendships - they are just too funny together! Also, their beauty mishaps are great. Pepper would be the one to use the potion without a reversing spell, haha. Also, I love the use of the list (did I mention this already?); it really adds to the humor and narration.
Anyway, awesome job! :) Keep writing!Author's Response: Hi there! Thankyou so much - I'm really excited that you're enjoying it :D
Haha, I love writing Hugo so much! And I so wish there was one too, because that is a brilliant idea that would be absolutely hilarious... poor Pepper, though, if it ever happened!
Yay, thankyou! I'm really glad that they're not too overwhelming, and I think I need to edit this chapter too :P
Hehe I love writing them so much, so I'm glad you like reading about them together! Yeah, I just thought that that particular mishap summed up her personality pretty well... and yay! It's fun to write but I'm never sure if it's a bit intrusive :P
Thankyou so much! And I will :D Report Review
Hey, I'm here with your requested review! Sorry this took a while!
Anyways, I think this was an incredibly sweet song fic. I love how it's all in Harry's POV as he watches his daughter grow up; you really captured that parental tone. The song worked so perfectly with it, and I love how you described the lyrics with Harry and Lily. It flowed together so nicely. I have no critiques or anything. Just skim it real quick to catch grammatical and spelling errors.
I'm sorry I don't really have much to say. This is such a sweet fic, and you did a wonderful job :)
Awesome song fic! Good job! I'd love to read and review anything else you've got :)Author's Response: Aww thank you! I've always loved this song, and it just seemed to fit with their relationship :)
Yeah, I posted this pretty much as soon as I finsihed it so I dodn't really proof-read it. I should do that...
Anyway, thank you!
~Sara Report Review
Hi! I'm here with your review! I'm sorry it's taken me so long :P
I can't really say much about plot since this is only the first chapter, but I like where you're going with this. I LOVE Fred and George, and I want to read more about Hogwarts from their perspective, especially with this Katherine! Wait...isn't she their cousin? Because if that's Fabian's daughter...? Or perhaps he isn't...? I don't know, haha, but I want to read more!
There was one part where I was confused. It was during the Sorting and George says he owes Katherine one and what words did she say that "would stick with him forever"? Also, what was she so sure about? (after she got Sorted) Did I miss something? :P
You were good with flow for the most part. My only concern is the beginning scene. It seems a little rushed (which is passable because she's kind of being pursued by a Death Eater), and the transition from peaceful to frantic could've been smoother. Elizabeth is putting her daughter to bed, worrying about Fabian, and then BOOM - Death Eater. Perhaps more internal dialogue from Elizabeth would help? Also, the exchange between Elizabeth and Thorfinn was a little confusing; Katherine staring up at him was odd... Or was it meant to be odd? Hm... This brings me back to the question of who her father is. GAH, just ignore my inner babblings.
There are lots of missing commas in your dialogue! :P Gah... I also noticed a couple run-on sentences. Since you're editing, you might want to fix those because they kind of distract the reader. (Or maybe it's just me because I'm a grammar Nazi. :P)
A very high point of your story. I thought your characterizations were brilliant, especially Gred and Forge - er, Fred and George. They were hilarious, and you got them very close to canon, which is awesome! I laughed right into their first few lines without even knowing what was going on; it was classic Fred and George. My favorite line has to be this one:
He knew Fred and George may be ready for Hogwarts, but he wasn't so sure that Hogwarts was ready for Fred and George, not just yet.
I laughed so hard because it's totally true! Oh, and I like Katherine so far. I felt terrible when she was by herself, though. :( I can't wait to see how you'll develop her character!
Again, I'm so sorry for taking a long time! :P I hope I wasn't too harsh! Good luck writing! I'd love to review for you again; this seems like the start of a great fic! :DAuthor's Response: Sorry for taking so long to respond XD My internet's been wonky XD
Now let me begin my response
Sorry about the confusion I don't think you missed much though, I mean as it's the first chapter I know you can't say much about plot but I appreciate the comments :)
As for Flow (that ryhmes XD) The beginning still needs some revision especially since back then I didn't know much about what I was going to do with Elizabeth. You'll now who her father is soon enough!
Lol I stink at grammar so I apreciate you pointing out my mistakes so I can fix them over the course of this summer.
Thank you, I love Fred and George :) So I'm happy I got the in character. You'll love Katherine later on :) No you werent harsh you were honest which I love :)
Oh MAN. So much suspense! You've got me hooked!
Okay, before I go on, I need to tell you how sorry I am this took so long! I meant to review two weeks ago, but then RL got in the way :P Anyway, onto your review...
Everyone was practically canon. I also really love Hermione and Harry's interaction at the end. It was bittersweet.
"Did he yell?" Harry wryly grinned.
Hermione smiled, "Of course."
That was my favorite line. I really enjoyed reading their relationship :) Plus, the references you made to canon events really added to their characters and the story. Ron was brilliant; I loved how he yelled at Seamus - a very Ron thing to do ;) Hermione was my favorite, though, out of all your characterizations. I loved how she immediately took charge of the situation. But...Seamus. I feel like he wasn't exactly canon, but the way you characterized him here was great and fit the needs of the story very well. All in all, awesome characterization!
I can't really say too much on this because it's only the first chapter, but the way you're going with this story right now makes the plot seem plausible. You have created this world where Harry is suddenly the bad guy, but we know he's innocent. I feel there's so much you can do with it, but you can't get too crazy with it either, you know? Just keep doing what you're doing now, and it'll be an awesome fic! :)
Very high. You just put so much suspense in this chapter, I had to keep covering my laptop screen to make sure my eyes wouldn't drift ahead! You've just got this amazing grip on such an original story; I just want to read more! Your chapters are long (5000 words, geeze!) for an HPFF fic, but because of the amazing characters and building suspense, you keep us hooked. Keep writing, please!
Can I add just one more thing?
OH. MY. GODRIC. YOU. KILLED. CHO. OH. MY. GODRIC. I cannot wrap my mind around this. Oh goodness. What is this? I don't even...
(Okay, I'm done.)
Again, so sorry about the wait! Feel free to re-request for this! I want to know what's going on here! There are just so many unanswered questions! Excellent first chapter!Author's Response: I'm glad you found it so engaging! I like writing H/Hr scenes and still wanted to keep the spirit of the trio alive even though they weren't in Hogwarts. I feel as if most of their stories in Hogwarts were sort of noirs anyways, so it wasn't that difficult to transpose their characterizations to this iteration of the story. Seamus was a character that had to stand-in for other figures as there needed to be an authority intermediary that wasn't just Shack.
And that's hilarious that you had to cover up ahead so you wouldn't spoil anything! I'm sorry if I accidentally gave anything away! My chapters always tend to run on the long side, but I'm glad the plot was tight enough to keep you scrolling through.
Thanks for the great review! Report Review
Hi! I'm here with your requested review! Sorry it took a while :P
Your quote - personally, I thought you were fine. It's great (bad?) that Benji's inspired by someone you know, and that makes the quote even more powerful. You made sure the reader understood the message you were trying to convey with your quote through Neville's internal struggle through this chapter and in the final line. So good job! :)
Interesting-ness/Do I Want to Keep Reading?/Characters:
I think it's very interesting! I'm not a big Hannah/Neville shipper (I'm still a slight Luna/Neville shipper, but it's starting to fade, haha), so it was nice to see them as parents. You kept them very close to canon and seeing that in more mature, parental way was very interesting. (Does that make sense? I dunno.) I do want to keep reading, but I only do requests one chapter at a time! Haha ;) But, really, this is a great Neville/Hannah, and I want so badly to know what's up with Benji. Neville and Hannah seem like great parents - extremely sweet and caring - and I want to see how far their love for each other and their baby will take them, despite this struggle they're obviously going to go through. I've never seen anything like this in fanfiction, so I want to see where you go with it! Did I also mention I really love how you write internal conflict? Yeah, it's really good :)
Um, correct me if I'm wrong, but I didn't notice any sensitive topics here. Or perhaps it's in the next chapter? (Sorry, like I said, I review one chapter at a time :P) Awks...
I think you did well with description! You didn't bombard the reader with loads of descriptions, which I like; you just sprinkled them in where necessary, which I do like. The opening paragraph's descriptions were great, in particular. :)
I saw a couple mistakes in punctuation when it came to dialogue. I also caught some spelling mistakes: there > their, attack > attic
I think this is a great first chapter to what seems like a unique, interesting fic! I'm itching to know more! Feel free to re-request!Author's Response: Hi there!
Thank you for reading and reviewing! No worries about any delay, I knew that you would get to it when you had the time.
I am glad to know that the Quote I was given worked well with the chapter. I was worried that it wouldn't come through the way I had intended. It is bittersweet that someone I know personally inspired this story. I can't say who, but I can when the story is over.
I am glad that you liked the Neville/Hannah pairing. I like Luna/Neville, but I thought Luna might have been alittle to far out there to fit with this story. Yes, that makes perfect sense to me. They are who they are, but they are shown in a more grown up way then we've seen them before. I am glad to know that this held your interest. I usually have a hard time capturing the attention of the reader in the first chapters. I am happy to know that you find this original and that you like the internal conflict. I am at a loss for words on the compliments. *Blushes* =) Thank you.
Yeah the sensitive topic comes along in the second chapter that was my miss on the review request. Sorry about that.
YES! I am so excited to hear that you liked how I "Sprinkled" the description around in various places. I have a lot of trouble doing this so I am glad that it worked out!
Oh geez... *Facepalm* Yes, attic should be attack...wow how on earth did I miss that one?! hahaha. Yep and there/their. Grammar isn't my strong suit as you have noticed. Thanks for pointing them out and letting me know. I greatly appreciate it.
Thank you again. I will re-request soon!! =)
-SR17 Report Review
I absolutely love this. I've never read anything like this, and I'm very impressed at how you pulled this off. Your writing is so beautiful, and you really keep your reader hooked until the very end.
Your characterizations of Lily and Petunia were fantastic. They were practically canon. I love their dialogue and Petunia's inner conflict. I actually cried a little when Lily was scolding Petunia for abusing Harry. I'm surprised she didn't forgive her sister, though, but at the same time, Petunia doesn't deserve forgiveness.
Anyway, amazing job! You're very talented! 10/10Author's Response: Thank you so much for the lovely review! I really really appreciate all of the kind things you had to say, and I am glad that you enjoyed my story! Report Review
This is really sweet :) I just wish it was longer so you could've given us more of a back story! Ah, well...it was great nevertheless. I like how it was Next-Gen, but you used OCs to tell the story. And I wish I had HP dreams! Lucky... But it's very cool that this is inspired by a dream.
I wasn't surprised when they kissed, and I really enjoyed Cassie's strong character. I love reading about girls making the first move - Women Empowerment for the win! ;) I'm having a love-hate relationship with Zach/Cassie, though. On one hand, they should be together because they've been close friends for such a long time. But on the other hand, what about James?! And it's killing me how I don't know how he died!
Anyway, I love your characterizations. James III is totes adorbs. Zach seems like a sweetheart, and Cassie, like I said, is a strong female character (yay!). The large gaps between paragraphs was a little annoying, though, so you should fix that. And more descriptions, please? I can't exactly picture where they are :P (Maybe more back story, please??)
All in all, great job! :DAuthor's Response: I think the lack of certain types of back story is part of the feel of this kind of narrative. You are supposed to imagine how James died for yourself. That will change the entire dymnamic for you personally and it might be completely different from how someone else sees it.
I loved writing Cassie for this and I'm glad you liked reading her. Yes! Female empowerment all the way! Zach is a good character to put with Cassie because elements of their characters clash and make them a good pair together. James III is my fave too! I think his somewhat intense demeanor is because he has had to go through so much for being such a little guy.
The paragraph gap thing frustrates me too! The stupid uploader thing doesn't like me so at first it decided to make the entire thing bold and I couldn't turn it back, then it did the giant spaces thing. I was too impatient to get the story out by then so I just left most of the spaces. Maybe I'll have the patience to change the spaces now.
Thanks for the feedback about the background info. I think it's better for the story for me to leave out some of the characterization background info, but the setting plays an important part of the story so I definitely want you to be able to envision that. I'll try to add more descriptions of place.
Thanks so much for leaving such a long and thoughtful review! Report Review
I really enjoyed reading this! You portrayed Victoire very Mary Sue-ish without forcing it too much, and the conflict you gave her was perfect for this piece. Your descriptions are amazing! Normally, I don't like being bombarded with descriptions, but you made them all flow into one another so nicely that I enjoyed reading them. You painted such a beautiful picture for Victoire's back story. Your Victoire/Teddy scene at the end was also fantastic. The proposal was a little rushed, but it fit with the air of your story so it's no big deal. All in all, a very cute, well-written story! Amazing job! :DAuthor's Response: Um, I was trying to do Mary Sue on Victoire :/
Thanks for the review though! Your nice words made me smile. Report Review
Hey, I'm here from the BvB battle!
I can't believe how beautifully you captured death. I love the little flashbacks you added, and then concluded with him realizing he was dead. Your descriptions were fabulous. Just fix up the formatting, yeah? I know the editor can be annoying, but the big spaces between paragraphs are a little awks. :P Haha, at least it doesn't detract from your writing! This was just so well done! This line really got me:
He finally hit the ground and bounced lightly, his wand falling from his hand and rolling on the floor. But he wasn't able to feel it, even as Tonks found rest next to him.
Ah, gives me chills just reading it, nevertheless imagining it! Amazing job :D 10/10Author's Response: Hi!
Haha, I know I shouldn't be laughing, but saying I made death beautiful is quite an achievement, really xD The edited version of formatting is in queue actually, so I hope that'll be fixed soon.
I'm really happy you liked it, I loved writing it so that's always a bonus (okay, more than just a bonus).
I thought his death needed more attention, and am glad it gave you chills ^^
Thanks for the review! Report Review
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