This one-shot was great! There was no places in the story that I thought "when did this happen" I wouldn't have realized that this was a spin off from a longer story if you hand't of told me.
There are a few errors that need sorting out, while there are no grammar or spelling mistakes (I think, i'm terrible at spotting them ;) ) I feel as if in some places you should have made a new paragraph rather than just starting on a new sentence, here for instance; "Itís easier to find good-looking clothes in Paris or Rome nowadays, I think. I walk up to the entrance and hand..."- where the sentence ends after ", I think" you should have started a new paragraph, this in some parts made the story drag a little to much.
I love how you didn't put any Speech into the one-shot and made it all from entirely Narcissa's head. I also feel as if her thoughts were believable. Any mothers thoughts after their son has just turned gay would be confused in thinking "did they ever know their son?" which i thought your brought across very strongly.
The characters that you created were excellent. I always thought of Draco having a wife who always follows what he says and its very imaginable that he would storm off after finding out he had a gay son and then finally realizing that they should talk to him about it after a few days/weeks/ months.
I give this story and 8/10
- kjpAuthor's Response: Thank you for reviewing! I'm glad that you found it easy to read and understand this without reading the original story.
Thanks for pointing out about the paragraphs. I will look at that and maybe change some things.
yayayay! oliver/ Oc story, I love to hear about Oliver's love life... its probably one of my favorite type of stories. This story has such a great start, I was in hysterics all the way through. I'm thinking about adding this to my favorites actually.
I just can't understand how you write so fluently, its amazing and i'm jealous of it. You manage to go from one topic to another with one sentence, something that some writers never manage. (I probably sound like a right fan girl right now, right?)
When it said there was humor in the story I got a tad worried, some people struggle writing humor but you write it with amazing style that makes me laugh all the way through your story. The last line; "So, of course, when Cat walked into the room at that precise moment, I was looking considerably dishevelled and was lying on top of an almost-naked Oliver Wood, my elbows resting on both sides of his head and his hands propping me up by the shoulders" - this line was excellent, its funny and makes you wonder what happened next, i wouldn't call it a cliff hanger but it makes readers want more.
a little spelling mishap or something- "Dangling off you broom, barely held by you..." I think you meant dangling off your broom instead of you.
Overall this is a great story so far i'm so excited to see more from you and this story would certainly be recommend by me to another reader, 9/10 from me.
- kjpAuthor's Response: Haha, in hysterics, really? :)
This review, which I read on my phone last night, made me smile all the way through. Do you actually think I write fluently? Thanks, it's not always the imprssion I get when re-reading!
Don't worry, I go around fangirling sometimes too, and it's worse than this!
Yes, the small cliffies or whatever they qualify as are my favourite to write - and they're also necessary because otherwise writing the next chapter would be harder...
Oops, typos... I'll edit that now!
Thank you so much for the review!
:) Report Review
hey there :)
I really like this little on-shot. I think it was a good thought from you to start the chapter where she's crying and then goes into the flashback rather than the memory then her crying it makes the story seem more believable because I can just see imagine Dom sitting there thinking about him while crying. It also just went straight to the point of the story which is what I like in a one-shot.
You also played with my emotions. In most stories I prefer Teddy and Victoire together but in this story you made me feel a bit of sadness for Dom, I found myself wanting Teddy to be with her rather than Victoire because it seemed to me like you wrote Victoire as a really uptight character in Dom's point of view which i think was a good idea showing how jealous she is of her sister I really like Dom's character is this "Dom turned away from the guy she loved so much that it hurt, and focused on calming herself down. She needed to be rational, and not break into a fit of hysterics" - this quote shows how strong she is, most people after finding out the love of their life was getting married would break down, Dom however held herself together.
As far as Grammar and spelling goes I couldn't find really any mistakes at all. I'd rate this a 8/10, it was excellent story and i'd like to see more from youAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I am glad for your thoughtful comments. Happy to know you liked the story! Thanks! Report Review
I saw that you were in need of a banner for this so i decided to read it and become your first reviewer. This sounds really intresting and good. I was meant to be starting my own black sister story but i think i'm going to delete it my writing sucks anyway. I read your summery and it almost forced me to read it because the summery was that good. I liked the way you started the chapter by saying "the first place that i can well remember..." It made me instantly sit up and become more interested right from the very start. 10/10 from me and i hope to see more chapters from you
- kjpAuthor's Response: Eeep thanks for the review! You have no idea how happy I was to see this...it was kind of depressing staring at that 0 review count for so long. I guess one good thing did come out of my inability to get a banner then hehe.
Anyway, I think you should definitely try writing your own Black sisters story! They're such intriguing characters and I'm sure your writing is wonderful. I will hopefully have the next chapter up soon. Again, thanks so much for the review! It really means a lot to me (: Report Review
this is a gr8 story so far, i'll admit at first i was a bit tenstive at first to read it (i'd been planning on reading it for a couple of months now) because i don't really think the summery is that good of the story but i'm so glad i did read it now because the story is truly amazing... certainly one of my top five stories and i would recommend to other readers, you've just researched so much i can't find one fault at all and that is pretty impressive. 10/10 from me I can't wait to read the rest of the chaptersAuthor's Response: Thanks so much! I'm glad you're enjoying the story. Report Review
aw so cute, I love all of your Harry/Ginny one shots, your a gr8 writer.I've also added you on the dark arts as a friend, i hope u dnt mind :) (god I sound like such a stalker- i'm not btw ;) )Author's Response: Thank you so much. I'm glad you like all of my one-shots, that makes me so, so, so, happy.
Oh no you don't sound like a stalker at all, I haven't been on the dark arts much so I'm glad you told me, I would have never known.
Thanks so much again,
Lizzie Report Review
This story seems really cool so far... I like it. Ur writing is really great! :DAuthor's Response: I Hope You Carry On Enjoying It :) Thanks For Reviewing x Report Review
as soon as i saw the manky old boot i instantly thought "porkey". Another great chaper... I think it has been celab all along... I always hated himAuthor's Response: Hahaha! Thanks! Report Review
AHHH! this is one of the best stories I have read! It actually reminds me a bit of jk's writing (although never can be as good as Jk cause she created the world (no one can)- but very close, you should maybe think of becoming a writer its that good)
10/10Author's Response: Thanks so much! Report Review
I actually cried. And I never cry in stories (apart from when harry died in seventh book), but he can't say he doesn't love her and mean it! He does love her? doesn't he. Well I hope he does... Report Review
oh this is sooo sad. Has it got something to do with Regulus. Did he say if they didn't break up and he would hurt her, so he broke up with her because he loved her. Oh please say that this is true.
Btw this is a A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. story. I don't usually read third person stories on hppf. But this is definitely the best I have read. Thanks for writing it, 10/10 Report Review
Its a really funny story. I really love how Avery thinks, its hilarious. Although I'll make you aware that Colin Creevy was a muggle-born meaning his parents never went to Hogwarts, and you've got a Wayne Creevy. Other than that I'm in love with the story and complely obbsesed Report Review
AH! thats sooo sad. I feel like crying. Thank you so much for writing this story. I enjoyed it so much! Report Review
Wow, I love the butterfly part. Is the secret that you need to be in love? I hope so...Author's Response: Thank you for the review! I really like the butterfly thing too, it's probably one of my favourite parts of this story. You'll have to wait and see I'm afraid :D Report Review
This story so far sounds like a one about Lily/ James, Its actually quite cute really. My favorite character so far has to be James: People with big ego's is just so funny in story'sAuthor's Response: yeah I thought it would be like a curse, your called james you fall hopelessy for a girl lol thank you, he is mine :P Report Review
It was a great story but you forgot when Alice and Frank got tortured. Also I don't understand why you made Remus say he didn't love Sekhmet? was it because he wanted her to go? I don't want to sound mean, It was a amazing story and i'm glad i read it. Please keep writing 8/10 from me! :DAuthor's Response: Don't worry we did not forget about Frank and Alice. What happened to them is mentioned in the beginning of the sequel. As for why Remus told Sek he did not love her much of it has to do with his belief that he is not good enough for her and that his condition will only hold her back. Once again more is explained in the sequel.
Thank you for you're review!! Report Review
ah! ITS ENDED! i'm going to cry. Your story has had a big impact on my emotions. i'm not even joking. Thank you for writing this. And its so sad, HE is all grown up.All of us have watched him grow up from the womb to hogwarts! AHHH! lol. LOVE U FOR MAKING THIS, KEEP WRITING! Report Review
This is a really cute story. I loved it. You have a great imagination to think of such a storyAuthor's Response: Aww thankyou- I'm glad you enjoyed it :) Report Review
oh i hope it was him that wrote that. This is probably turning out to be one of my favourite storys. Its just so funny, e.g. like with the Sirius kissing Remus i was in fits of laughter and my mum just looked at me so oddly. I love it. I'm additcted to this story thats all i have done all day! Thanks for making it and making me laugh!Author's Response: aw thank you so much! And just so you know, you're my 1,000th review :) Hurray!!! And I'm glad you liked the bit with Remus and Sirius haha, I love that part :) Thanks so much for reading! Report Review
god, out of the five confesions you showed i think that james atleast wrote one. It would either be two or four. Great story so far btwAuthor's Response: haha thanks! and Yes I did write one of those with a certain boy in mind :P so perhaps it was him... perhaps it wasn't :P anyways, glad you like the story so far! Report Review
oh that was sad at the ending about peter. You really thought it though quite well really. Thank you for making this story it was beautiful. Keep writingAuthor's Response: Thank you :) Because it was just plain FLUFF, I needed a serious ending. Thank you for the lovely review! Glad you liked it :P Report Review
YAY! finally they are together. And yes i would have burnt down your house if it didn't end like this. I almost don't want the next chapter to come. Its a bit like how i felt when the final harry potter film came out. I wanted to see it but i didn't want it to end, if that makes sense? you better make it a good last chapter... or else ;) (lol) Report Review
I love it, its so cute. Its a inspiring story. I love ginny and harry they are perfect. thanks 4 writing this.Author's Response: ur welcome. thanks for the positive review! :) Report Review
i LOVE this story so far, just one prob, James birthday is really on March, 27th to be exact, (a day before mine!) I know, you must be thinking i'm like a perfectionist or something this or something like that. But just to make you aware... ;)Author's Response: i actually had no idea about that . . . thank you! Report Review
absultuly amazing. And of course the old lils back, which i love. But i also love Lilly and James. :) Report Review
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