As soon as I read the summary, I knew immediately that I'd have to read this--Marauders are my absolute favorite era. xD I really loved your take on this; somehow, it makes it all the more authentic that Remus would be the one to tell the story, versus just seeing it from an OC's eyes. ^__^
You managed to characterize Harry well, which is no easy feat seeing as we know so much about him and it's not hard for him to stray into the realms of OOC. Having estrablished that, I think that your Harry is exactly what post-death Harry in the books is like--saddened and eager to know more, especially now that Sirius had died.
One thing I think you could improve on is expanding on the details. Your writing is very good so far--especially the introduction paragraph, which really drew us into the atmosphere of the story, but I think fleshing out some of the parts would make it better. For example, in the dialogue where Harry talks to Remus, you could include the action--did Harry ask anxiously? Was there a crease in Remus's forehead as he talked? etc, etc. Details like this could really help the reader visualize the scene.
Overall, this was a great start so far, and I'm interested in learning more about Sophie-Elise and your take of the Marauders era! :)
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Thank you for your feedback! The Prologue was just to set the context of the story, future chapters will be more detailed and longer (I hope writer's block doesn't hit me)! Report Review
I think the summary to this really drew me in--not your usual love triangle, now is it? More like a love... chain? Or something like that. xD
I think you're off to a great start here--the first objective of any story, really, is to have a sort of allure that draws readers in, and you've nailed it! One thing I think you should improve is the pacing. It might just be me, but I think some of it goes by way too quickly, whereas in other areas it seems like we're getting an information overload. I remember when I first started out writing, a constant bit of advice that I received was to flesh out the details and descriptions, and also to try weaving the details into the story in a more subtle way.
For example, in the part where you introduced Sadya, instead of giving us a whole chunk of information to digest, you could say how Lysander was jealous when Al tucked a strand of black-with-abit-of-blue-or-was-it-red hair behind her ear or something. You know what I mean. xD Basically, show, and not tell--I think with a few minor tweaks it'll be much better in no time. ^___^
I liked how you made Luna a Divination professor, and the twin dynamic between Lysander and Lorcan would be an interesting thing to see develop, so good job on that front!
Overall, it was pretty interesting to read the developments of this chapter, and what made it even more unique was that this wasn't your usual Al/OC either. I think I'd be interested to read more about Lysander and Al!
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for your review! Yeah, I've always had a problem with exposition, and I will try to take your advice and put it into the later chapters. Report Review
Okay so let me squeal that this is finally out and I can now read it and wow this is even better than I thought it would be! :') What do you mean, claw my eyes out? Because it was so nicely written that I should claw them out of never wanting to read another thing because my reading life is now complete? Hmm?
Seriously, though, I love how creative this was! Teagan was fun to read about, and there's a mysterious aura shrouding her death which makes me curious. Very, very curious. Which isn't healthy seeing as it killed cats and all, so you should, you know update asap because IT IS A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH. And ooh, what did gossip ghost record in the column that made her so mad? :O
Omigosh, the banter. And peeves. :') PEEVES.
By the way you missed a set of quotation marks in the penultimate paragraph--after 'curfew'. Just thought Iíd let you know. ;)
NOW I REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS.
Sorry if this review is full of my weird incoherent rambling... but then again, you should be used to it by now. :P I can't wait to read more, especially if Harry & co are making a cameo. ♥Author's Response: Khannie!
Omg just aahahhh thank you so much! You're totally like making my night right here and aaahh just thank you! Yes, yes I am, dear daughter of mine. ;) you never know! Thanks again Report Review
Hi there! Before I start, I want to apologize that it has taken me this long to review; I think life just took over and unfortunately I'll have to close my review thread for a while because of that. ): Also, since slots weren't technically open at the time--you were request number ten, I believe-- technically this shouldn't be on my reviewing list, but what do you know, I'm a sucker for next-gen. ^^
I'm really glad that I chose to read this, though, because it was really well-written. Poor Albus, he seems so fragile and squishable that I just want to give him a hug. :') This is a unique portrayal of Al that makes your story stand out from other next-gens, and I think you did a really great job of portraying Al and the feelings of the oppressed and bullied.
Juxtapositioning is a great literary device, and I think it was used really well in this. The contrast between Al and Scorp seems interesting, and I can't wait to see how their acquaintance may blossom into friendship (or maybe even more. le wink. ;) )
As far as characterizations go, I think there's a lot of potential here with Albus. It was nice to get a glimpse of his inner thoughts, and it'll be interesting to see how you'll tackle his metamorphosis from a person with low self-esteem to someone who's slightly more confident. Scorpius, seems a bit too good to be true (sort of like a guy version of a Mary Sue) at this point, because not only does he not really show any flaws, his character falls a bit flat. Perhaps since it's in the awe-struck Al's point of view it is slightly exaggerated, and necessary since they act as foils for each other, but I think that Scorp's character, though interesting, needs a little work. Perhaps this could be addressed in further chapters. :)
Now for some grammar/errors, because I'm so much of a grammar Nazi it was inevitable:
+ Albus hated seeing his dad this way, it was unnatural. (This is a run-on sentence; you should exchange the comma for a semicolon or period.)
+ a thirteen year old girl more than he did a seventeen year old young man (Both of the age phrases should be hyphenated; e.g. thirteen-year-old/seventeen-year-old.)
The mistakes weren't too major, but they occured frequently enough to disrupt the flow of the story, so perhaps you should consider an edit or enlist the help of a beta. :)
Overall, this was a great read; thank you for requesting your story. Unfortunately, I'm closing down the review thread until probably after school ends in a two months, but I'll be keeping an eye on your story, and you can feel free to re-request if it starts up again. ♥
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Oh I love you and this review! And don't apologize for the lateness, seeing as how I only get around to answering months later. Thank you so much for pointing out these flaws. It really, really helps. I agree, Scorpius is a bit flat. I just like being in Albus's mind so much that whenever I wrote Scorpius, I kind of wanted to get him over with. And I wanted to make him seem approachable to someone like Albus, so in the process of doing that I kind of overperfected him, but you'll see him raw in the next few chapters! Thank you so much again! Report Review
Hi there! Before I start, I want to apologize that it has taken me this long to review; I think life just took over and unfortunately I'll have to close my review thread for a while because of that. ): Also, since slots weren't technically open at the time--you were request number nine, I believe-- technically this shouldn't be on my reviewing list, but what do you know, I'm a sucker for next-gen. ^^
I think it was a good decision for me to decide to review, because honestly, I thought your story concept is one of the most unique I've seen.
However, with all unique stories there comes the danger of being *too* strange that it passes the border between quirky and interesting in a good way, and just plain hard-to-believe. This story, I think, seems to be a bit AU with Bella and Snape still being alive and Draco still a Death-eater, but those are points that can easily be dealt with; they make for interesting plot twists. However, there are some points that can make the normal skeptic look twice; for example, if the flashback happened two years ago when Rose was eleven, does that mean she was a sixteen-year-old Auror? This seems highly unlikely, since even the great Harry Potter, who defeated Voldemort countless times, had to wait until he was of age. Also, it is noted that Harry Potter is Head Auror while Albus and Rose first started Hogwarts, and yet you mention another name. Though it's possible that hemight have quit sometime in the last few years, it seems unlikely, especially with folks like Malfoy and Bellatrix still at large.
Another thing that sheds some doubt is that Hugo, who is at last two years younger if you looked at the epilogue closely, was even attending Hogwarts, and in the forbidden forest, with eleven-year-old Rose. I know this sounds extremely nitpicky, but every great story is comprised of small details, and it's best to keep with consistency. Even if you would still like to keep these, I thought I'd bring them to light as further explanations are needed to keep the level of believability, whether it be in this chapter or the next (as I understand that in prologues, us writers don't like to reveal much ;) ).
I really liked how you portrayed the close relationship between Rose and Hugo, and her sense of protection towards him. This revealed a lot about their characteristics. I thought the humorous aspects provided a nice bit of comic relief, too.
And the way that you threw us into the action instead of just listing introductionsalso earns brownie points since it makes the prose more interesting and less mundane. My interest is really peaked to know more about those Death Eater delinquents and the answers to my questions. xD
You didn't specifically request grammar/errors, but by now I'm going into a more general overall review, and since I'm so much of a grammar Nazi I thought I'd point out a few mistakes I saw anyway:
+ "Rose" Hugo whined (This is an incorrectly-formatted dialogue tag--there should be a comma after 'Rose'.)
+ There was a weird little smudge in the distance she thought looked like it could've been a tree. (This is a run-on sentence; you could seperate the two clauses by either putting a semicolon or period between 'distance' and 'she'.)
The mistakes weren't too major, but they occured frequently enough to disrupt the flow of the story, so perhaps you should consider an edit or enlist the help of a beta. :) Another thing that disrupted the flow was the awkward formatting, which a quick edit should fix up in no time.
Overall, this was a great read. Unfortunately, I'm closing down the review thread until probably after school ends in a two months, but thank you for requesting your story. ♥
~Chocolate_Frog Report Review
Hi there! Before I start, I want to apologize that it has taken me this long to review; I think life just took over and unfortunately I'll have to close my review thread for a while because of that. ):
My first impression when reading your request was a peaked interest since I'm an absolute sucker for Snape. :') I really loved your portrayal of him because I could just hear his biting sarcasm and his overall disdain of others dripping through the screen. Great job on characterization, it didn't seem OOC at all.
I think the story was believable in the aspect that Snape, as mentioned above, wasn't out of character, and retained his I'm-than-you-so-disappear-because-you're-annoying-me kind of attitude while still having a loving, affectionate father.
The flow was a bit choppy at times; I think this is because of the awkward sentence structure. For example, the second sentence in your first paragraph would sound better if it was condensed and its ideas expressed more clearly and concisely.
You didn't specifically request grammar/errors, but since this goes along with flow and I'm so much of a grammar Nazi I thought I'd point out a few mistakes I saw anyway:
+ ...he would soon be demolishing with his red inked quill under his arm/Nineteen year old Severus Snape was in his meager flat... (red-inked should be hyphenated! So should nineteen-year-old. xD)
+ The elderly woman was often sent him various treats and food (the 'was' should be omitted from the sentence; since the main verb is 'sent', it is redundant, not to mention incorrectly used.)
+ He had begged and plead with Voldemort... (plead should actually be pleaded, to keep with subject-verb agreement and parellelism)
The mistakes weren't too major, but they occured frequently enough to disrupt the flow of the story, so perhaps you should consider an edit or enlist the help of a beta. :)
Overall, this was a great read, and I liked how it ended on a hopeful note, leaving the reader to infer what would happen afterwards. Unfortunately, Iím closing down the review thread until probably after school ends in a two months, but thank you for requesting your story. ♥
~Chocolate_Frog Report Review
Hi there! Before I start, I want to apologize that it has taken me this long to review; I think life just took over and unfortunately I'll have to close my review thread for a while because of that. ): And I'm terribly sorry that this is so far off Valentine's day, but hopefully you'll still want feedback. ^^
My first impression when reading your request was a peaked interest since I've never read a pairing like this before (but that was mostly what the challenge was about, wasn't it? xD). That being said, I thought you pulled it off really well. Your descriptions of their awkward-ness on their first date and their feelings for each other flowed beautifully.
Ah, feelings. Which brings me to the main point that you requested, emotions. Honestly, I thought that you portrayed the emotions really nicely. i thought the way that Seamus noticed each aspect of Padma and thought it made her look even prettier was cute an endearing. :') To dwelve a little deeper, I thinl you captured really well the raw bursts (pardon my pun of the title xD) of emotion that go hand in hand with falling in love. I think the extended metaphor with the fire and explosions that you had going on throughout the story really helped develop your point about the frustration that comes along with love, too.
You did a great job of characterizing Seamus. As I said before, his emotions were really well-protrayed. I also really like the way you gave us a glimpse into his home life, and your version of the Yule Ball event and his slight jealous, but mostly indifference, towards Harry; it seems realistic that someone like Seamus would really care what's happening in the chosen one's life. ;) I think the other characters seemed to be a bit lacking, though; most of your supporting characters only appeared briefly, and Padma didn't appear nearly as much as one would have thought, and even then mostly through other characters' opinions. The things that we mostly gleam off her character is that she's shy, smart, unnoticed, and pretty (courtesy of the dear Dean and Seamus). The only time we really got to see a side that makes her un-Mary-Sue-like is the scene with the log, where her caring, compassionate side comes out. To prevent her from being this flat rendering of a pretty much blank-slate book character, you should add some other 'log scene'-like tidbits. :)
On to flow! One thing that threw me off was that this story was a bit confusing to follow at times. Sometimes, the thoughts seem to jump all over the place. I think part of this is due to a lack of efficient transitions, while some of it is due to the awkward formatting (e.g. italics that end and start up randomly in a passage--for example, in the memory, there is a random unitalicized line; it would flow better if it was all italicized.) There's also a bit of lack of detail in some parts, which contrasted with your meticulous attention in detail in others. For example, you might have elaborated on the scar and his fear of burning fires, or expanded upon his quote about exploding other things instead of himself (which I thought was brilliant, by the way.)
On to the grammar/errors, which goes hand in hand with flow, also. You didn't specifically request grammar/errors, but by now I'm going into a more general overall review, and since I'm so much of a grammar Nazi I thought I'd point out a few mistakes I saw anyway:
+ he looked around bewildered trying to focus his friend (Since 'bewildered' is an added part and isn't essential, it should be seperated from the rest of the sentence by commas. The case of the missing comma(s) occurs quite often here, so you might want to do a quick check of your extra clauses.)
+ ...understand his friend's words an stop them from turning in circles (I think there's a bit of a typo here, where there really should be 'and'.)
+ He remembered the night before he left to Hogwarts (the 'to' here is incorrectly used; exchanging it with a 'for', or even 'to go to' would be more fitting.)
None of the mistakes I spotted were really major, but they occured frequently enough to disrupt the flow. Going over and fixing mistakes you spot, or perhaps enlisting the help of a beta, would greatly improve your story. :)
Overall, this was a great read that only really needs a few quic edits to improve, and this was only because I was being slightly nitpicky. Unfortunately, I'm closing down the review thread until probably after school ends in a two months, but thank you for requesting your story. ♥
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Hey! Don't worry about the time and all, I also get busy quite often and reviews are always appreciated!
I'm glad you liked the pairing, I had to think a while to find them. Haha, it's great when people notice those metaphors you keep all the story long, and actually find them accurate. I myself struggle sometimes with feelings and was hoping I'd explain that well. Seamus is truly an interesting character when digging a little and it really makes me happy you saying I characterized him well.
I've already been told I should extend Padma's character, it just has been hard, but I'll definitely work on that. i hope it didn't bore you too much though.
On the flow thing, I think my only excuse would be that my thoughts go quick and are really tangled, and being the author, it's hard to notice these things. Thanks for pointing that out, I'll probably request a beta or something.
I'll go correct those grammar mistakes and errors right away, thanks for telling them!
I hope you'll do well with school, and thanks for the review! Report Review
Hi there! Before I start, I want to apologize that it has taken me this long to review; I think life just took over and unfortunately Iíll have to close my review thread for a while because of that. ):
First of all, I'll start off with my overall impression of the chapter. I really liked this one-shot (You can never have too much ScoRose ♥), and I think you did a great job of potraying the conflict between their relationship (e.g. different friends, values, career paths, etc.) I also thought that your story stood out a bit from the rest, because first of all, it didn't have the love-hate relationship that looms in most ScoRoses, and second of all, it didn't have a happy ending. It was pretty sad and sweet at the same time; I really enjoyed reading Scorpius's thoughts.
Since you asked for grammar orginally, here are a few mistakes I spotted:
+ Seventeen years old Scorpius Malfoy... (this should actually be seventeen-year-old Scorpius Malfoy)
+ some with reddish hairs (the extra 's' isn't necessary; you just need to say 'reddish hair')
+ the very old nosy caretaker of the school named Mr. Filch (this phrase kind of runs together; I think it'd be better if you rewrote it, something along the lines of 'the very old, nosy school caretaker, Mr. Filch')
Something that goes hand in hand with grammar is flow. I noticed the flow in this was a bit choppy, especially in the beginning. I can never stress this enough, but in stories, especially one-shots, since you only have that one chance to impress a reader, the first few sentences are extremely important. I liked the concept of your first paragraph, since it sets the scene for the rest of the story with fantastic descriptions, but I feel like the wording could have been better. The sentences all seemed short and choppy to the point that it became slightly monotonous. I think you should combine some phrases and vary the sentence structure a bit to make it seem more interesting to read. This goes for the rest of the passage, as well.
I think your descriptions in this were really great; I really liked reading each little tidbit about their relationship as it developed over the years. It seems like you spent a lot of meticulous detail on it, which is always a nice detail to look for in stories because it means the author realy cares about their writing. :) One thing that threw me off was the fact that sometimes you just vaguely referred to things (e.g. 'the one class they had together' or 'the deputy headmaster'). Maybe you could invent some names (e.g. they only had potions togather, or Deputy Headmaster Wickets -totally random name, I know xD- or something.) That would take your desciptions to a whole new level.
Overall, I thought this was a fantastic read. Thank you for requesting! Unfortunately, Iím closing down the review thread until probably after school ends in a two months, but it was nice to read your story. ♥
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Hey! No problem. Thanks for reading and reviewing.
Thank you. Sco-Rose is very popular indeed, and I too, like you, can never have too much :D I'm glad that you like this particular piece and thought that it's stood out a bit :D I enjoy Sco-Rose when they're written with love-hate relationship. I guess, it's because many writer see them a little bit like Draco-Hermione. But in my mind, I see their relationship differently :D
And yes, I like the ending.. (well, the credit goes to the song though :D I'm just writing it in the form of a story). I don't know why, but I just like the idea of unrequited love. I think it's very romantic in a sad kind of way. (That's why I actually like Snilly so much).
Anyway, back to the topic.
Thanks for pointing the mistakes. I'll be sure to correct them when I have the time. Also with the choppiness of the sentence (I'll try to do something about it). This is my first fic after so long, and I was so used to a more formal academic report writing style.
:p You got me there *blush*... I was too lazy to think of a name. Sorry about that. Yes.. I'll think of something. :D I'm glad you brought it up. I've been meaning to change it but always forget.
And thank you for your fantastic review. Good luck with your school, and I hope to see you again :D
Gray Report Review
Hi there! Before I start, I want to apologize that it has taken me this long to review; I think life just took over and unfortunately I'll have to close my review thread for a while because of that. ): But let's not dwell on that--onwards!
I have to admit I had my doubts when reading the description at first--though this is a brilliant idea, it can easily spiral downhill if done wrong. I think the way you started off with the letter at the beginning cast aside my doubts, though. It really drew me in and gave me a brief overview of what the story would be like, and I see a lot of potential here! However, I think with stories like these, juggling two eras could be a bit difficult, so I have a few suggestions for you about structuring and formatting your chapters. This wasn't a major problem in the first chapter since it was more of an introduction, but I suggest in further chapters you should perhaps alternate the two eras between chapters, or start off and end off with the current era as she starts and stops reading, making the middle chunk the flashback. I've read stories like these before and they work well if done carefully, and this way it could greatly reduce confusion. ^__^
This chapter was great by way of introduction as we kind of got the basic gist of your story and your cast of characters. As I was reading this, though, it seemed to be rather short. This is good so far, but it seems more like a skeleton, and you need more meaty details to beef it up. (Bleh, trying to come up with analogies after dinner is weird, don't mind me.) Basically, I just think you need to expand the sections a bit more by adding some details. For example, in the opening section you could describe the attic and surroundings more to set the scene, and maybe drop a few hints as to why she suddenly decided to go through the boxes again--spring cleaning? Nostalgia? And for the scene with George, perhaps you could describe the shop, or reveal more about either her friendship with Fred and George, or her job at the theatre?
The details that you did pay attention to were really nice and thoughtful, though. I really liked how you added her concerns about the possibility that reading her mom's book might bring her sadness as it adds some conflict in. I also liked the description of Oliver's and her flat; it's small details like this that makes a story come to life. Like I mentioned above, if you do this in every section you'll have an even better chapter and story. :)
Another issue that I spot is the consistency. For example, I'm a bit confused at the end of the first section when Oliver suggests that she goes home--didn't she just say she was in the attic of their small home a few lines earlier? If it was two different places you were talking about, then maybe you could clarify--perhaps she was visiting her mother's old house and the home she once shared, and Oliver wanted them to go back to his? Or perhaps it was just a minor typo. Whichever it was, just remember that consistency is key. :)
I also spotted a few grammar and spelling errors (I'm a bit of a grammar nazi and just spot them everywhere xD), but I think my reviewing successors have mentioned them sufficiently so I won't regurgitate. :P Overall, I think you have a great start so far with lots of promise (Sirius, anyone?)--with a few minor edits you'll have yourself a great story in no time! Unfortunately, I'm closing down the review thread until probably after school ends in a two months, but I'll be keeping an eye on your story and you can definitely request again once the slots open up again. ♥
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: I just realized that my original response for this never went through! I'm so sorry!
I want to thank you for taking so much time and leaving me such a detailed and helpful review. I am still very interested in making this story better and continuing it, but I have revived my old story Crash and Burn (which this was going to replace) so I'm leaving this one alone for the foreseeable future.
Again, thank you and I'm sorry about the delayed response. Report Review
Hi there! Before I start, I want to apologize that it has taken me this long to review; I think life just took over and unfortunately I'll have to close my review thread for a while because of that. ): And also, I noticed that you had chapter five up, so I read both and did them all in one. ^^
I really liked how your portrayed Keira's and Henry's relationship in chapter four; their dynamic is very interesting to read about since they seem well put-together, and yet you leave all these subtle hints that it might not work out (like how she's annoyed at his over-protectiveness and how he thinks she's incapable of some things, as well as the fact that he didn't discourage Madison from flirting with him.) I loved the description about the Ravenclaw common room (Go Claws! :D), but I thought it a bit odd that she would know so much about Rowena's decisions. Ah, well, maybe Ravenclaws have their own genius history books with fun claw facts or something as their late night reading. xD
Keira's voice is always ever-so-entertaining to read, and I'm definitely sensing a possible Sirius/Keira vibe here. I also like how you didn't make this story completely hormone-y and relationship-based, and also included lessons, rules, and curfew--I've read a few fics that completely forget that their setting was a school and not an episode of Gossip Girl or something. And adding the Slytherins calling her a 'mudblood' was a nice touch because it reminds readers that even amidst all the fluff there is currently a war brewing. I really admire you for your close attention to details.
Some minor things I noticed were the wonky spacing (my art teacher had made that her 'word of the day' and apparently it caught on xD) where some lines didn't have a double space between them, and small spelling errors. (e.g. 'intact' is one word, and neither 'owl' nor 'common room' should be capitalized.)
On to chapter five! I liked this chapter better because it seems less filler-like and some interesting developments happen. :D First of all, I'd like to comment on the fact that you haven't right off the bat made Keira into an OC who just has a boyfriend at first if only for the reason that she shouldn't look like some unwanted mini-cat lady, and then immediately falls for the hunky playboy Sirius as soon as he's introduced--Keira's and Henry's relationship is still going strong, and I commend you for that. And yet there are still more ever-subtle hints (more over-protectiveness and potential seeker rivalry, anyone?) that there may be troubled waters approaching soon.
The Quidditch tryouts were interesting to read--I like how you captured Keira's dilemma at possibly beating her boyfriend, because that's a realistic teenage problem and makes her easier to identify with. (But psssh, I say all's fair in love and war... er, friendly competition. xD) The seeker tryout idea was an interesting concept, but I was a bit confused--are the all trying ot at once, or is it only one at a time? If it was the latter, it seems a bit strange that James would make her seeker straightaway (this is assuming that tryouts were paused after she fell) because even though she was good, there could've been someone who was better, couldn't there? And oh look, the Sirius Black fan club! I was wondering when they'd make an appearance. I think it's hilarious how you made other house members try out for the team. I mean, seriously? , even? Yeah, I went there. :P
And I was hanging on to every part of the bit of James/Lily in the hospital wing--they're one of my favorite pairings and it's always interesting to read more about them, even if it was indirectly. :D Overall, it was a great two chapters, and your story is shaping up to be a really interesting one. Unfortunately, I'm closing down the review thread until probably after school ends in a two months, but I'll be keeping an eye on your story. ♥
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Don't even worry about it. It always take me ages to get around to my reviews, and I totally get what life is like (this year is turing out to be a lot harder than I planned :/)
Go Calws indeed ^_^ I took the information from Pottermore (I wanted it to be as canon as possible) although it really wouldn't surprise me if they did have a book like that. Actually, that's a brilliant idea, and I think i'll slip that in somewhere to clear that up. Do you mind if I use that?
I was really 'iffy about chapter four, worried it would be too much of a filler and boring, but i wanted to set a few things up for later and i'm glad that you liked them.
I'll check out those spaces; i'm not to surprised, as this isn't the first time i've had issues with the formatting on this website. >_<
I didn't want her to be a cat lady, nor did I want her to to fall in love with Sirius in the first chapter. I wanted it to be realistic, and Henry is perfect for that. (well, Henry is perfect regardless... but you know what I mean :P) and yes *ahem*... Seeker rivalry... Shh! ;)
Nah, they aren't trying out all at once, but she's at the end of the line. I'll go back and edit that in to make it clear :) Cheers, I hadn't realised i'd left that loose end there.
I'm glad you like the fan club appearance. I haven't had a chance to slip it in before then, as there hadn't been much Sirius action, but I figured that was the perfect opportunity :) I'm glad you liked it. It was brilliant fun to write :P
JAMES AND LILY! XD XD XD My OTP of OTP's. I'm seriously hoping I do them justice in this story, and hearing that you liked them makes me so happy, you have no idea.
I'm so glad that you like the two chapter (thank you so much for doing both!) and I hope that life settles down for you a bit once school has ended :)
Thanks, haha. It's appreciated to know that people like my work ^_^
- Adele. Report Review
Hi there! Before I start, I want to apologize that it has taken me this long to review; I think life just took over and unfortunately I'll have to close my review thread for a while because of that. ):
And oh my stars, the plot thickens us murder mystery is thrown into the mix! We learn a lot in this chapter, and I loved the meticulous detail you seemed to have gone through to plan this all. I'm a bit confused about the boy in here, though, so let me try to clarify this--he was at the scene of crime and they're suspecting he somehow knows the murderer, correct?
Poor Brienne; we now know a bit more about who has been targeting her. There is definitely a Harry Potter & Sirius Black parallel-vibe I'm getting, so like Harry, I'm glad she finds out instead of being left in the black. (No pun intended. Siriusly. :P)
Overall, it was a great chapter with a lot more pleasant twists. (I'm interested in finding out more about this Ravenclaw boy/childhood friend of hers, and I hope we get to meet him soon. :D) Unfortunately, I'm closing down the review thread until probably after school ends in a two months, but I'll definitely be keeping an eye on your story. ♥
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Hi! You're the first one to comment on the Ravenclaw boy, very perceptive xD Yes, he will definetely be a part of the story in the future. And about the other boy, you're right, he was at the scene of the crime and possibly knows the murderer/was involved in the murder :) Thank you for your review, I'm glad you liked it! Report Review
Hi there! Before I started, I wanted to say two things: first of all, I apologize that it has taken me this long to review; I think life just took over and unfortunately I'll have to close my review thread for a while because of that. ): The second thing is that I would like to congratulate you on your story getting a featured story slot on the home page! Well done and I'm so proud of you! :D
I really love how this chapter sort of fit together--I think Susan's line about Mrs. Zabini having a French accent was great: spunky and helpful all at once. I like how she seemed to know exactly what they were doing and that they needed help, which goes to show how close they all were. And you really don't skimp on your details and back stories, do you? Mrs. Zabini having hot steamy romance with multiple lovers? How... revolting in a mildly fascinating way. :D
And even though I like Harry/Ginny I can't help but root for Harry/Esme. I like the dynamic they have together, and the fact that Esme reminds him of Ginny for me bears a parallel to the Angelina/Fred&George thing. At first, he is attracted to her partly because she reminds him of his old wife, but it could grow into so much more, which is what I always thought about Angelina loving George as George and not because he was a carbon copy of Fred. (Sorry for going off on a tangent but that's basically me saying that I think Harry/Esme could work out somehow and I'm keeping an eye on them. :D )
Lady Tenabra's meeting with the professor cleared up a lot of things. She really is twistedly evil, but you still have to admire her for her cunning schemes. And the pensieve scene! Ah, that totally makes more sense because I really couldn't picture Percy as a murderer. I liked the Esme&Hermione interaction in there as well. (And sorry that my review isn't exactly chronological. xD)
Every chapter of yours resolves a twist in the plot and then hurdles about ten more in our path, which always makes it so enjoyable and interesting to read. Unfortunately, I'm closing down the review thread until probably after school ends in a two months, but I'll definitely be keeping an eye on your story. It's probably one of my favorites that have been requested of me. ♥
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Hi, there! So nice to see you back again! I totally understand about how life can get in the way of fun. Work has severely slowed down my writing of late. But we have to take care of the things that are important in life. Don't worry, the story will still be here when school's out! And thanks so much for your congrats. I'm still kind of in shock about the whole thing, to be honest. It's a huge honor to me.
Susan is far and away my favorite supporting character in the story. I really didn't know where I was going with her to begin with, but the farther I go, the more I enjoy writing her.
Some of Mrs. Zabini's back story comes from canon, the part about her dead husbands, at least. I just took that and ran with it. While I have no problems imaging wizards being sexually active into their 90's -- after all, some live to be close to 150 -- Mrs. Zabini is a pretty yucky example.
Harry and Esme. Harry and Esme. Harry and Esme... I have to confess that I've become really torn as to what I want to do with the two of them. And I really, really didn't expect to feel that way. I guess we'll all find out pretty soon, but suffice it to say that nothing is written in stone at this point.
Lady Tenabra is twisted and evil, but she's also brilliant, calculating and very thoughtful. She has set Percy up, but we still don't know why. Soon...
I'm doing my best to keep a few surprises in store for everyone. I look forward to your return! Thanks so much for continuing to read and review! Report Review
Hello! This is Chocolate_Frog from the forums with your requested review! ^^
I think you have a strong start here so far! (and yes, I was curious as to how your story was going. xD) One thing, though, is that having the prologue and chapter 1 in the same 'chapter' might be a bit confusing, and made this flow a bit choppily. I think you should just either make them into seperate chapters, or combine them into one chapter with some kind of seperation; it'd help the flow loads.
Ooooh, I like how things are starting off, already with a love triangle in the air. I'm interested to seeing how Hannah/Scorpius/Rose works out. Usually Rose doesn't get much competition in the Scorpius department (unless you count the 'dumb blonde bimbos' that Scorpius hooks up with to get Rose jealous so she can realized her feelings and they live happily ever after...) so this adds a very unique twist.
One error that I saw occur a lot was incorrect dialogue formatting. For example, in this sentence ("Yes." I said simply, trying to hid my smile.) there should be a comma instead of a period after the 'yes', since 'I said' is a dialogue tag. Also, I noticed at times you switched from 'mum' to 'mom' (My mom cried into my hair). I'm not British (American, actually), but if you were aiming for authencity by using 'mum', then remember consistency is key. :)
You characterization so far is pretty good, but I think a few more details here and there would make your characters pop out more and becom less flat. For example, Hannah--she seems interesting enough, but we want to know more about her background. How did she befriend Scorpius? How does she deal with her dad being a Quidditch star? Since she's an OC (techhnically, to an extent, they all are, but she's the main one) we need to know more about her personality so we can easily identify with her. Also, I'm interested in reading more about grown-up Oliver. Maybe squeeze in a few more details? Like, when George says that he should hide from Oliver, perhaps expand on that.
Overall, it was a great start. (By the way, I changed it a few months ago, so unfortunately I'm only reading one chapter at a time.) If you want, feel free to re-request! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Hi! thanks for reviewing! I just want to start off by saying thank you so much for suggesting this title! I don't think this story would be posted yet without you :D
The reason I put the Prologue and Chapter 1 together.. was that I felt they weren't strong enough to stand alone; that, and I didn't want the reader to think that Hannah 'going to Rome' was somehting that I had skipped over writing. I suppose if that makes sense. I see what you mean though, that it does make the story jump around a bit, thanks for pointing that out!
Love triangle... yes, it's there! I'm glad you pointed that out, I really wanted something different than the usual roseius, giving the view point from the 'other girl'.
Thank you for letting me know the dialogue stuff.. I'm hoping it will get better as the story continues, I finally got a word processor on my computer :)
My American is showing! Thanks for pointing that out, I try to stick with 'mum', but yeah, like you said, force of habit I suppose. Thanks so much! This review is fantastic help!
I agree with Hannah's character in this chapter.. she does get more of a background come chapter two. Those are all really great things to think about as I'm writing, so I really truly appreciate you giving me such a fantastic review! I'll keep an eye out on your review thread for openings, I'd love to hear more! Thanks again, all of this information and advice was brilliant! Report Review
Hello, this is Chocolate_Frog from the forums with your review request! :)
I have to say, I really liked your summary and your idea for this story. It's a nice way to sort of throw Remus and Tonks together; so I think you did really well for your first official 'ship'.
Your depiction of the Order meeting was exactly how I imagined it would be. I really like how you in-character everyone seemed to be--Dumbledore with his wise intellignece, Snape with his sneering superiority, Kingsley with his amusement and Moddy with his over-protectiveness... you pulled them all off really well.
I also liked the amount of insight you added. This line (What could possibly keep a man so focussed and determined to fight for a society that would prefer it if he was dead?), in particular, gave me a lot to think about, and would be interesting to read as the story progresses.
The bit about the Tonks's stalker was pretty funny but seemed a bit childish--I don't see why the older adults would particularly care, but your call. It does provide some amusement in the serious matters, though.
I'm really curious to read more about your Tonks and Remus (seperately, as well as together) since you have them really well characterized.
I found a few grammar mistakes/errors in this, but they were pretty minor. I suggest a quick edit to scan for mistakes. :)
Overall, it was a great story. I am looking forward to your next review request! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Thank you :)
Yey - the summary! For some odd reason I found it especially difficult for this story! :P
The Order Meeting. Thanks! :D With Vincent, I just felt that it offered them something to smile about. As they are at war and admidst all the deaths everyone is looking for something to smile at. Hence Vincent :)
I'll do another scan through for any mistakes. Thank you so much for the review :)
Hello, this is Chocolate_Frog back for another review request! :)
Alright. First of all, you should settle down and get comfortable, because I have a bit of concrit to do. xD
One of the things the area of concerns you mentioned is plot, and I have to agree with you there. I'm going to tell you this dierectly, not to be mean but because I want to help you improve: Your story doesn't exactly have a plot right now. :/ Even if a story had flawless grammar, lovable characters and great ideas, if it had no plot it wouldn't be interesting at all. Think about what it would be like reading Harry Potter if Harry just sat around all day and stared into the common room fire. Boring, right? So what I would suggest is taking a moment to think about what you want to happen in your story--Is it an action/adventure story about the struggles of Quidditch? A love story with messy love triangles? A thrilling mystery about a kidnapped house-elf? (These are terrible, but you know, just examples here. xD) If you want to improve, you should think of adding conflict to create an interesting plotline for readers. :)
As for your characterization, I think you did a great job (I especially like how Mary is all serene and in her own bubble when it comes to art), but at times it can get a bit messy. Take Albus, for example: First you say he hates being captain, then we learn from Meth that he takes it very seriously... almost a paradox, don't you think? Maybe you could try mapping out your characters and writing down main qualities in a character bio for your reference--it'll help you keep track of your characters, so readers can, too. :)
I still stand by my previous suggestion of getting a Beta, as I still notice some minor mistakes that build up and greatly affect reader's understanding of the story.
I hope you don't think I was too harsh in this--you have great ideas in this, I think you just need a bit of reinforcement and editing to shape them into a great story. There's a lot of potential here,a nd I can't wait to see what you come up with! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Hello Chocolate_frog!
Don't worry. Ever since I started posting stories here in hpff I started adoring criticisms. So your reviews were too harsh or anything.
It's great that you like the characterization of Mary. She is definitely one of my favourite characters.
About Albus. Well, he didn't exactly mean that he hated being a captain. He was just frustrated. But I guess I could change his dialogue to make it more clear. Thanks for pointing that out.
I have no plot in my story right now. I totally understand how annoying this is for the readers. I have decided I will take some time before I post my third chapter. Hopefully, I will get my plot sorted out by then.
I agree that I need a Beta. I think I'll enlist for one today. But I don't think anyone will be interested. I think I will just keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best.
Thank you for another helpful review! It really means a lot. :) Report Review
I'm honestly loving your story more and more with each chapter, if that's possible. xD
I really like the magical traditions/tidbits you incorporated into this--with the bad luck to not be butired with your wand and the Ministry bieng able to detect underage magic if both the parent and the kid used it-- because it made the wizarding world feel more realistic and also you own. Oh, and the Chocolate Box... I need to get me one of those! xD
Your details are wonderful as always; I especially liked how you descirbed the snow, and showed how much her father cared for her. So sweet!
I laughed a lot at both Fred and George's letters; Geroge, especially, since I liked how you mixed his shy awkwardness towards Brienne with his usual confident humor. :)
+ with the glowing baubles which constantly changed colour and size, to the wooden angel figure sitting at the top which winked at them or fixed her hair whenever she was sure they were paying attention.
I spotted one thing:
^ The 'which's should be changed to 'that' so it'd make more sense. :)
Overall, it was a really nice chapter. Well done! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: :D Hi! Thank you very much for your review! I'll fix that mistake, thank you for pointing it out! I'm really glad you liked it! Report Review
Hello, this is Chocolate_Frog back for another review request! ^_^
So first of all, let me bore you with some grammar. :P I think your beta did a good job, I just caught a few mistakes.
+ We intercepted Rae, Alice and Mel on the stairs between the common room and the dormitory, where they had been more than happy to turn around and head back up the tower with Lily and I.
^ The I should be me. Think about it: would you say 'they head back up to the tower' with me or I? :)
+ She trailed off, and I looked up at her to find her with a whistlful expression on her face.
^ It's 'wistful', not 'whistful'.
+ "I don't know how you do it, you know? Eat Licorice Wands by the dozen and stay as skinny as a stick." Mary Macdonald sighed, eyeing Alice's tiny waist.
^ Don't forget to use commas instead of periods in dialogue. :)
You have another really great chapter here! I'm loving the tone you use for narrating Keira, it's casual and natural and makes the reader feel like part of the story.
The bits of humor interspersed in this were welcome as well; I especially liked the jabs they had at Slughorn. xD
Oh, and I also liked how word got around the grapevine that she was trying out for Seeker; the slew of characters are so well-incorporated that it's a really interesting read. I just love your cast; all the characters are so different yet special in their own way that it makes it feel like a well-integrated school environment. I think you interspersed the sixth and seventh years really well, so great job on that also. ^^
Just be careful that with this many characters, it's easy for some of them to appear flat or be neglected. So far you did a great job of juggling them all, but just a heads-up for the future.
And boy, what a cliffy. I can't wait to get to read more about Henry. I'm really glad that you didn't drag out his abscence so long and that Keira wasn't all mopey and depressed about it; I really hate it when OCs in fics only care about romance because that just isn't realistic. :)
Thank you for re-requesting, and I'm looking forward to readng more about Keria & co.! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Oo, i'll get on those now, since the queue is so short! Certainly re-requesting (I just had ch4 validated,) and I'd love to know what you think of the next chapter with Henry ^_^
Yeah, there are loads of characters, but each of them is important in their own way and plays their own part in the story to come. I'm really happy that you think i'm going okay with them so far; it's something i'm worried about.
Re-request coming your way! Thanks again, your reviews are always so helpful :) Report Review
Hello, this is Chocolate_Frog here with your requested review. :)
I think you have a great start so far. Having the story kind of reach out across the 4th dimension through the screen was an interesting approach. Normally this isn't really pulled off well but I think you added just the right amount of humor to make it a bit more natural, so kudos on that.
Your OC seens like pretty quirky and likeable so far, just be careful that you don't go to far and sink into the Rut Of Next-Gen OCs (DUN-DUN-DUN!) by making her seem too special too be human, you know? There's a thin line between good OCs and Mary Sues in Next-Gen, so you have been warned. xD
One thing that could really improve your story is enlisting the help of a Beta (can be found on the forums). I found that with all the grammar mistakes, your story got quite confusing to read. For example, there were a lot of run-ons, makingittiringtoreadsincethesentencesallseemedtoruntogetherintothisonebigclump. Remember, commas and semi-colons and dashes are friends, not food! (Er, I mean, foes. xD) It really degrades from the awesomeness that I think it could have been, had there been less mistakes. :)
Overall, it was a nice start, and I'm looking forward to seeing you next re-request and how the next few chapters will go! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Hey, thanks so much for the feedback :}
I'm glad you like the start and think its a good beginning. Hopefully the rest of the story will carry on in its footsteps :}
I hope that Ally is unique and different to all the other OC's in the next gen and doesn't become a Mary-Sue so I'm going to try and stay away from that. :)
And I think I am going to get a Beta for my story =D
Thanks again for the lovely feedback :)
~BlameItOnTheNargles Report Review
Hello, this is Chocolate_Frog here with your requested review! :)
I think you started off your story very nicely--it has that fun, quirky style that you never really tire of in Next-Gen OCs, a cliche that I never tire of as long as it's well-written. And you found my soft spot, you devious soul you! I love Potter boy + OC fics. ♥
As far as chapters go, this one was a bit too short and fast-paced for my taste. You have to remember that as an author, you know you OC, plotline, and characterizations well (Or at least, I hope you do xD), but the reader doesn't, so you should kind of expand a bit on the details and descriptions. The part about her and Mary was good, but I kinda want to know more than just the bare essentials, you know? Just work on those descriptions. :)
And homg bad boy Albus is so adorable. Your OC is hilarious, by the way, and I can't wait to see more of their interactions. Just be careful, though: in fics, Next-Gen especially, there's a fine line between honestly funny, lovable OCs and the tiresome way-too-out-there trying-too-hard-to-be-quirky ones, so make sure to add some moments where she does, you know, normal things and such. xD
I found a few typos and errors (The most common ones being your dialogue tags--"Don't forget the comma at the end," she said-- and a few bouts of Random Capitalizing), none too major but occuring enough to disrupt the flow, so you might want to do a quick edit or even enlist the help of a Beta. They help loads! :)
Overall, it was a great start, and I'll look forward to your next request to see where this goes! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Thank you, Chocolate_Frog!
I am glad you liked the humor in my first chapter.
"Next-Gen especially, there's a fine line between honestly funny, lovable OCs and the tiresome way-too-out-there trying-too-hard-to-be-quirky ones" - this is exactly what i needed to hear. I will keep that in mind from now on.
About the pace of the story? Yes, I have to work a lot on that area. Hopefully with practice, my descriptions will improve.
About the beta? I didn't even request for a Beta cause I am worried that no one is going to like it. :(
Your review was extremely helpful. Thank you very much.
Hello. This is Chocolate_Frog from the forums here with your requested review. :)
I think this story is just getting better by the moment. The way you organized the events was really clever. I could never understand what compelled Sev to say that awful word, and the way you told it explained it perfectly--the misunderstandings, the tension, the pseudo-sense of betrayal... Great job!
Your Lily seemed a bit OOC in the fact that she didn't feel outraged, or at least indignant, that Snape was using Legimency on her. I get the fact that she was trying to preserve what remained of their friendship, but it just didn't seem that believable. I liked how you made Lily feel guilty about her treatment of James, though, which paves the way for future events. (Like the apology! What a cruel way to leave off! xD)
James's and Sirius's section was hilarious (as usual!) It's always nice to read about Marauder interactions. I thought the part where they anticipated their OWL results was a bit off, though. Since usually the reader gets the reaction that James and Sirius are nonchalant with their studies and subjects cam pretty easily to them, I don't think they would fret that much. To make it more believable without changing too much, I would suggest making it seem as though they were exaggerating to each other to save face, while inside they were actually a bit nervous and insecure--if that makes any sense. Like, less of the 'I think I failed Arithmancy!' stuff and more 'I'll move to Durmstrang!' :)
And then there was Alice. She seems sweet and funny, yet spunky and reassuring: the big sister that you wished you had. I liked how you protrayed her and Lily's sisterly relationship, which contrasted nicely with Petunia, her real sister. Great job!
One thing that made the story sort of confusing to read was the formatting. The spacing was odd sometimes: at times it wasnít double spaced, and at other times there would be huge blank spaces between sections. Also, you might want to isolate the main memory from the Legimensed ones to make it clearer. I think if you went over and edited a bit this chapter would flow much better.
Another thing you could fix on your next edit is the grammar. I didn't find too much, but a few here and there (e.g. the 'summer' in the first line doesn't have to be capitalized.)
Overall, it was a really enjoyable read, and I can't wait to see what you come up with for future chapters! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Hey K,
I'm really sorry about the delay in responding to this wonderful review! I know its very unfair I've just completely left this site out for a while cos my exams have been driving me insane. I'm pulled to my capacity! and it doesn't end till may! :(
But anyway I'm here now, so here goes. Firstly thank you for coming back to review that's grand of you! I really appreciate your input and I'm really glad you like where the story is heading.
Yes, Lily's a little less than dramatic about having her privacy invaded like that by Sev but it will be explained later. It's quite simple why she didn't react as hostile as most expect her to.
You'll see soon :)
Apology yes! Cruel cliffhanger, guilty as charged. Originally it was supposed to be part of the chapter then I realised the word count was a whopping 9000+ so I had to go back and break it into two chapters. Which I think was better and the cliffhanger sort of gives the readers something to look forward to...? maybe? :P
Yeah I completely agree with James and Sirius being a bit ooc with the OWLs so I've re edited the scene hopefully it flows better now!
Alice has so far been my favourite character to write :) I'm glad you liked her.
There are several things I want to fix to make the chapter better, some you have mentioned already. Unfortunately it'll have to wait till May when I get the time.
Anyways Thank you SO SO much for coming by and again I'm very very sorry for the long wait in responding. I hope you continue to enjoy the rest of the story! Thanks again.
Hi! This is Chocolate_Frog from the forums with your review! :)
This one-shot was really sweet. You captured this snapshot of Harry and Ginny so well, and by showing that their relationship could have flaws, which made it all the smore realistic and sweet and perfect. I'm not kidding when I say you did a great job, too--I've read a few H/G stories where it's just a rollercoaster of silly arguments and random make-ups in broom closets, so this was a really refreshing change. ^^
Your description in this was fantastic, also. I really loved how you described Ginny's feelings and what Harry meant to her. One thing, though--when you write Ginny's thoughts, maybe you could put it in italics or something, since it gets really confusing for the reader when it's formatted the same as dialogue.
I know you got this story beta-read, and most of it was pretty smooth in terms of grammar, but I did notice a few things that disrupted the flow. ( e.g: I'd would take his hands. It's actually either 'I'd' or 'I would', not both. :) ) You might want to do a quick run-over on your next edit.
Overall, it was an enjoyable one-shot. Great job! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: I'm so, so, so sorry I didn't reply to this before. I've been having loads of writer's block so I spend my free time staring at a blank document.
I'm thrilled you liked it. I did like creating a real relationship, but I liked it because a lot of people forget Harry and Ginny are real people, that do real things.
People make Ginny so tough, and I think she is tough, but I think she's sometimes lost without Harry as he is for her.
Thanks for the tip, I'm glad you pointed that out I need things like that!! :)
I'm thrilled you liked it,
Lizzie Report Review
Hello, this is Chocolate_Frog here with your requested review! :)
I think this was a great chapter. I liked Teddy's interactions with the adults, and his insecurities have a sort of (frustrating!) endearing charm to them. I really like how he was so nervous about meeting with people that he practically grew up with because it shows how much he cares about Victoire and how he wants to get things right.
...Which, of course, gets contradicted later on as he refuses to answer her owls. But I digress.
The plot is moving on slowly but surely. I think the fact that Teddy doesn't really have much going on kind of sets the scene for time travel (which I'm still waiting on, haha xD) and future interesting things. I just hope that poor Teddy will cheer up a bit! (And stop being such a downer and pick up the quill already in the process...)
Some errors I spotted:
+ despite living in England for over twenty years she still had her think French accent
^ I think you meant 'thick'.
+ "Teddy, we need to talk about things"
^ I've noticed that none of your dialogue have punctuation. Don't forget these essentials: Not only are they grammatically correct but they're also easier on the eyes! :)
Overall, it was a nice chapter. (Sort of filler-ish, but that only means good things to come, right?) I can't wait to see what happens in the next! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Hello!
Sorry it took me a little longer to reply to this review- I've literally just started back at school for this years and therefore I've been slightly overloaded with homework.
I really wanted to Teddy more insecure rather than this teenage boy with an overflated ego. I'm hoping it makes him more likable.
It starts to pick up soon I promise, I just felt it was neccessary to show the readers what his life was like before the time travel so they could compare it to after.
I am about to start searching for a beta for this story so I'm hoping I can get all these errors sorted out quickly.
Thank you so much for your lovely review and I will most likely be back to request more once I'm ready :)
x Ely Report Review
Hello, it's Chocolate_Frog here with your requested review! :)
I loved this chapter--both the humor aspects and the gravity of the situation with Voldemort balanced out really well. I really hate it when Marauder fics ignore the fact that there's a war raging in their midst; you seem to balance it with the plotline perfectly, so kudos on that.
I think the additional talents you gave to James and Lily were refreshingly different from their usual characterizations. Just imagining James attempting his thousandth unfinished sketch of Lily is really adroable, and I love the passion seeming to embody Lily as she thinks of playing the violin (And also the spunk that comes out when she says the line to Dumbeldore about both of his Heads being Gryffindors. :D )
I feel so much for Snape when reading his section--the melancholy, heartbroken tone of someone who doesn't really belong anywhere, who lost the thing that they most cherished, who delights in any small victory he can triumph over his nemesis. :'( I think you captured his emotions really well.
The minor characters seem to be perfectly well-characterized, also. The Marauder interaction flowed really well, and Dumbeldore and McGonagall didn't feel OOc at all.
I think your plot is moving along rather nicely as well, especially with the walk back to the Gryffindor common room and James's and Lily's mutual moment of understanding.
A few mistakes I spotted:
+ Oh Lily, you have should of heard them when I came to the Gryffindor Tower.
^ It should be 'should have' instead of 'should of'.
+ It's a good thing you'r Head Boy and Girl are from Gryffindor then.
^ I think it's a typo, but there's a random apostrophe in the 'your'.
Overall, it was a very enjoyable read, and I can't wait to see what you come up with in the next few chapters! ^^
~Chocolate_Frog Report Review
Hello, this is Chocolate_Frog finally here with your requested review! :)
I really liked the analogies you made in the first paragraph--it really showed the longing of a child with divorced parents for parental love, especially now that one of them is no longer with her. It was very heartwarming to read abour Brienne's closeness with her father even though they don't see each other very often.
I loved the description of her dad's home and the anecdote about her parents and cooking--it really brought in a snapshot of Brienne's life that made her seem all the more realistic.
The background story that Douglas told was interesting, also, and answered a lot of questions (at least, a lot of my questions xD), such as how he met Remus, and how her parents met. Tying the Order in was a nice touch, and so was the emotional outburst from Brienne concerning her mother.
One thing I spotted:
+ Most of the Station was deserted from some of the service lines being cancelled because of the weather.
^ It isn't neccessary for 'station' to be capitalized. This happens in the next paragraph as well. :)
As usual, it was a fantastic read, and I'm looking forward to your next re-reqeust! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: :D Hi! Thank you for your review! I'm really glad you liked it, and thanks for pointing out that mistake, I'll definetely fix it when I can :) Thanks again! Report Review
Hi! This is Chocolate_Frog from the forums with your requested review! :)
This story was really, really sweet, and a really enjoyable read. I loved how corny Ron was with Hermione (a bit OOC, but still lovable ♥).
One thing that I think would really help your story, before we get down to the basics, is the aesthetics of it--the wierd spacing between each paragraph is a bit distracting from the story, and isn't really pleasing to the eye. xD
Alright then. I agree with you that the one-shot was a bit short and lacking in the description department. What I would suggest is trying to visualize the scene and pain a picture with words--"A picture is worth a thousand words", after all. I think each of the seperate sections were too short. If you added more background and expanded on them, I feel that the descriptions would come naturally. Your dialogue is really good, so I would suggest starting from there and working your way out, adding details. For example, the first line might read something like:
"And then you make twelve wishes?" Rose asked her mother excitedly, bouncing up and down energetically on the edge of her bed, to the amusement of her parents. Her infectious excitement caught on, and soon her little brother, Hugo, who had previously been twiddling with the ribbon on his teddy bear in a bored manner, also had his interest piqued.
Ha, I don't know... xD Basically that's the gist of it, though: Just picture the scene in your mind, with all the itty-bitty details, and the rest will flow from there.
Also, while you're editing, you might want to brush up on your grammar--I noticed a few mistakes.
Best of luck! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Hey!
I'm really happy you thought it to be sweet! I know it was a little out of character, I'll try to correct it with some little explanation ^^
Thank you for the tip! English isn't my first language, and when I write in the other two, people usually tell me there's too much description. I think that might be why there's almost none here...
But I'll definitely work on that!
Thanks again, you really helped me :) Report Review
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