Reading Reviews From Member: CambAngst
1,133 Reviews Found

Review #51, by CambAngstEpitaph of a Good Man: Clumsy Meeting

23rd July 2014:
Hi, Rose!

I'm really intrigued with what you're doing here. The story reads like a pretty straightforward "fill in the missing moments" novel so far, but the title promises so much more! It leaves me feeling kind of eager.

I really like the way you've set up Tonks. A lot of authors write her as a rather clownish character, full of goofy, irrelevant thoughts and constantly tripping over everything. You did have a few little stumbles to keep her in character, but you didn't overplay it. She also comes off as being eager, intelligent and more than a little insightful. She was still age-appropriate, however, which was a nice touch.

The way that you passed on the "love at first sight" cliche and gave Tonks a relatively small, platonic interest in Remus was also a great idea. I think it's going to greatly improve the pacing of the story, giving both characters a chance to get a feel for one another and explore their own reactions and feelings. Also, cliches are, well, cliche.

Your other characters were nicely done, especially Sirius. He had the fairly reserved nature of an older, more mature version, but with the occasional flashes of temper and excitement.

Great first chapter! I didn't see any typos or grammatical problems and it all flowed really nicely. Good job!

Author's Response: Hi Dan!!

I'm kind of terrified and excited that you're reading this story. First of all, it is seven years old. so... yeah. Just keep that in mind. :D I also wrote this before DH came out which will probably give away the ending when you get there eventually.

If i hadn't seen her depressed, brooding side in HBP, I wouldn't have known how much depth to give her. I mean, she is young, fairly light-hearted, and bubbly. But she's an auror who is tough enough and good enough at her job to be asked to join the Order. I think I was close to Tonks' age when I wrote this so it was a very easy mode to slip into.

Tonks doesn't feel like a love at first sight girl to me. I honestly haven't read many other Remus/Tonks stories but that doesn't seem like the right way for them to go. They do certainly take their time while still being close enough for Tonks completely falling apart in HBP a bit understandable when it happens.

I'm so happy you like my characterizations so far! Sirius definitely goes through a wide range of emotions and issues through this story (as long as he's in it at least).

Thank you so much for a lovely review! Like I said above, I'm both excited and terrified that you're reading through this.


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Review #52, by CambAngstComplicated: In Which Christmas Is Not The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

22nd July 2014:
Tagging you from the Review the Person Above You thread in the common room!

I was really impressed with the quality of your writing. Your mechanics are really solid and I only saw one mistake -- see below. I thought that the tone and the wording were also really good. It wasn't overly colloquial or informal like a lot of Next Gen stories I read. It had polish and a feel of sophistication to it.

Wow, what a nightmare the holidays are for this poor girl. As the old saying goes, you can't pick your family. I thought the sorts of long-running tensions you created between the various characters were easy to relate to and felt very natural. You didn't overplay them, either. The whole dynamic was very believable.

The pacing of the chapter and the way that you delivered basic information was a pleasant change from a lot of Next Gen stories I've read. Far too many stories set in this era start out with the main character doing a big back story download to the reader. Instead, you got the key information across gradually and within the context of the story. It took a long time, for instance, to identify Pansy Parkinson as Olivia's mother, and that was fine. I greatly prefer this to stories where the author dumps out all of the name, rank and serial number information for the main characters right away.

You main character was easy to get into and relate to. She struggles with a lot of the same issues that any sixteen-year-old would be dealing with, as well as a few that are unique to the magical world. I liked the way you wrote her inner monologue and her outward relationships with her cousin and older family members.

The one typo that I saw:

I donít have my apparition licence yet and Mum wonít let me fly on dayís Iím supposed to look presentable because it messes up my hair. -- days

All in all, I think you have a really solid start and I'm interested to see where you're taking the story. You don't seem like the kind of author who's afraid to tackle big challenges and difficult topics. Good job!

Author's Response: Hey, thanks so much for the review and thanks for pointing out the typo - I hadn't noticed that one and will definitely make sure to change it when I come back and edit this chapter. I really found your feedback helpful. Let me know if you ever want to review swap.

Emma x

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Review #53, by CambAngstActions Speak Louder than Words: Breakages: Scorpius POV

22nd July 2014:
Hi, Beth! It's always a nice surprise when I check in with this story and there's a new chapter posted.

I didn't really think about the timeline until I was reading your author's note at the end, but now that I think about it, Rose must have been running on fumes throughout this chapter. She made it through the aftermath of the mass-splinching, she got it on with Scorpius, she went out to a bar, she survived a death eater attack, she had that huge emotional moment with her mother... Wow. She literally must have been on the verge of collapse.

I feel like some readers might not agree or approve, but I have to say that I thought you got Ron exactly right in this chapter. He doesn't deal with change well, nor does he deal well with adversity when it's personal. He tends to get angry, look for scapegoats (Hermione in the early part of Sorceror's Stone, Harry in Goblet of Fire and again in Deathly Hallows) and say nasty things that he regrets later. The fact that everyone is telling him that he's wrong would only tend to make him angrier.

With Rose, I thought you hit a pretty good balance. She was very immersed in her work, which gave her the confidence to challenge her uncle. "Harry spoke first, since everyone else was pretty much tongue tied, in awe of her... well..." Yeah, that. ;) At the same time, you didn't overdo it. She still can't quite bring herself to tell her father off. She's hurt by his cruel words and lack of understanding. Instead, you gave her small shows of defiance, like holding Scorpius's hand or tucking into his embrace.

Scorpius's emotions made perfect sense to me throughout. He's worried about Rose and angry at the mistreatment she's suffering from her father. At the same time, he knows he's on thin ice, job-wise. And I think he had faith that Harry wasn't going to let Ron go too far, which probably helped.

The way you wrote Harry in this chapter was, for me, a big improvement over the chapter where Rose finally tells him about Stannous. I could feel a bit of fire and emotion there, tempered by the fact that he was presiding over a meeting full of people who work for him. I did feel like it was a little too late and a little too formal when he finally told Ron off. Given how well he knows Ron, I would have expected him to try to slow the Ron Train down a bit earlier and a bit less administratively. Then again, maybe he just knows a lost cause when he sees one.

I think the character I was most confused by in this chapter was Albus. Up to this point, you've painted him as something of a hothead who's viciously protective of Rose. Here, he watches her absorb a mountain of abuse from her father and he really only steps in to try to defend Scorpius.

I really liked the PoV changes in this chapter and I thought that every scene added something. Ron's scene added some very necessary color and depth to his anger. Without that, I think Ron would have come off a bit caricatured. Instead, you made his feelings seem natural and believable. For a moment, I was tempted to believe that you were dropping a cliffhanger on us, but I think they're just going to tell Ron the truth about what Stannous did to Rose. The final scene from Rose's PoV added a little closure and certainty to her feelings at the end of this very long, very hard day.

I didn't see a single typo or misplaced word in this chapter. Great editing, and overall great job!

Author's Response: Hello again,

Wow. This review was amazing. I love all your reviews, but this chapter had me a bit worried. In truth, I was actually the most concerned over my portrayal of Scorpius. I really didn't want him to come across as wimpy. He also has a bit of a temper (only from time to time) and I chose for him to remain calm and focused here. I guess the dude it just really in love ♥ .

So glad you approve of Ron and Harry. I've gotten the most comments on Ron (as you predicted). I think Harry is trying to be delicate with Ron here - Rose is his daughter, after all and she came to Harry first. When Ron just explodes, Harry goes on the offense.

As far as Albus goes, maybe I didn't convey enough the seriousness of his injuries. He was in bad, bad shape. He should've been at Mungo's with Dom, but he refused. At this point, he is barely listening. He feels a bit better when Rose administers her care to him, but not completely recovered.

I might have to fix the last part from Ron's POV. More that a few people have commented on not entirely knowing what happened. It wasn't a cliffhanger or anything else. I just didn't want to write another scene about someone else finding out about Rose. Not that Ron's reaction isn't important or significant, but we've already seen, Albus, Dom, Selenia, Scorpius, Harry, Ginny (to some extent) and Hermione. I was thinking it would be overkill.

Thanks again!


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Review #54, by CambAngstDevlin Potter: Riddle and Rescue: Smudges

15th July 2014:
Hello, again! I'm back for your latest chapter!

There were so many small things that I liked about Devlin's conversation with David and Maria. Cumulatively, they made for an awesome scene. I liked Devlin's annoyance at the beginning when David seemed to be addressing Harry rather than him. I liked the way Devlin seized the initiative and took control of the conversation. I liked the fact that the propriety of events -- the relative weight of things he should be proud of vs. things he feels ashamed of -- still isn't quite right in his head.

Maria steps in and does Devlin some big favors with her explanation of "the middle" of the events. I've never considered using the Imperius Curse to "fix" somebody, but I can definitely see how it would have felt that way from her point of view.

Then in the end, he tells David the small lie that he must in order to protect Maria and himself. I don't know what, if anything, you have planned for Devlin and Maria, but the two of them really seem to work well together. I found myself wondering whether there was any implied relationship between that sentiment and what happens in the chapter's second scene.

Harry was not in the kitchen, and he used his magic to unlock the top cabinet and bring a hand full of cookies down to him. They were the kind with chunks of chocolate in them, and he liked them almost as well as he liked cheese pastries. -- I always love the little things you come up with to help us remember that this terribly world-weary soul is only ten years old.

So seeing your parents kissing -- kissing for real, not just pecks -- is always really hard for kids to figure out. And Devlin has so many other complications layered into the equation that it's remarkable his head doesn't explode. I really loved the little aside about what kisses were meant to signify in the world of the Death Eaters. Domination and power made perfect sense, because that seems to be the only thing that most Death Eaters are really striving for.

"Hey, little dude," Harry said; his voice was wispy, not in a bad way. -- Busted! And Harry goes all Jeff Spicoli on us. Did not see that coming.

"Maybe we should let Uncle Sirius have this conversation with you," Harry said, beginning to steer him into the hallway, laughing. "He knows all about kissing girls." -- Oh, boy. Somehow, that doesn't sound like the best idea to me. Devlin could become quite a ladies man.

There was thattug again and he suddenly knew he had missed the opportunity to shut up. -- One of life's worst moments: that moment when you realize you should have shut up just before the last thing you said. Poor Devlin. Actually, poor Harry, too. Also, you're missing a space between 'that' and 'tug'.

There was a lot of subtle brilliance to this chapter. Devlin cleared the air with Maria's father, but that wasn't the brilliant part. You took a very commonplace situation, one that happens between fathers and sons all the time, and you showed it to us through Devlin's peculiarly curved lens. Now he seems to be convinced that romantic affection is this very mysterious thing that he needs to decipher. He's even worried about protecting Emma from it! It's cute and funny but also a great reminder of how much ground Devlin needs to make up on so many different fronts.

Aside from that missing space, I didn't see any typos in this one, so kudos for great editing!

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Review #55, by CambAngstActions Speak Louder than Words: Breakable: Rose POV

14th July 2014:
Hi, Beth! I just eat these chapters up as soon as they're posted!

Whew! I was worried at the end of the last one that Rose and Lily wouldn't make it. Once you land them safely on terra firma, I really liked the progression of this chapter. Rose went from being a shaking, blubbering mess -- granted, one that was able to apparate two people to safety without losing any parts -- to seizing control of the situation by the end of it. As is always the case with your writing, the transition was paced beautifully. There were steps forward and small setbacks along the way, which adds to the realism. Things aren't linear in real life.

I really liked the way you wrote Ginny in this. She's not dismissive or blasť about the situation, but she behaves like she's been there before. Because I'm sure she has. Many times. She understands how she can best help her husband: by staying calm and not rushing into the middle of an already dangerous scene. She was fantastic at reassuring Rose and helping her to focus on the thing that she can control: herself.

I loved Rose's inner monologue in this chapter. I pretty much love it in all of your chapters, but this one was even better. You could feel the frenetic energy pouring out of her, punctuated by the moments of total exhaustion. It was a huge roller coaster ride, which I'm sure was exactly what Rose was feeling in the moment.

When you're tweaked to the point of coming unglued, there's nothing quite like unleashing your frustrations on a dueling dummy to calm those frazzled nerves! Awesome scene.

Wow. So now Rose knows the whole truth about her mother. The mother-daughter circle comes complete, in a way. I hope this will be a big step toward Rose accepting her experience and being able to talk about it with the people closest to her.

Who could have known I was at the pub?

-- Are you intentionally having a laugh on me here? :p

The end of the chapter was just awesome! Rose, in total control! No, you silly boy, you will not go to that stupid briefing right now. Lay your delectable booty down on this couch while I throw down some healing on you! Aunt Ginny! Don't just stand there, go get the snake fangs!

Honestly, if you take "typical" Harry Potter scenarios out of context, they're hilarious.

I saw one typo as I was reading:

My fingers pulled the unruly curls tights and twisted it back into a ponytail without thinking. - "... pulled the unruly curls tight and twisted them..."

Awesome, awesome chapter! It so much fun to see Rose coming along like this. Can't wait for the next!

Author's Response: Honestly Dan, it isn't fair when the review is more entertaining than the chapter!!

I'm glad you appreciate the realistic measure of her recovery. I hope it's coming through that she's getting better, but I can't ignore the fact that there will be small setbacks.

Ginny. I've been on a bit of a crusade to bring to light some of her struggles. Both in this story and in few others that I've written. She is often portrayed as the sickeningly sweet "girl next door," the helpless damsel in distress, or the bitter woman who was only after Harry's fame or money. This all falls short of the mark for her. She is a powerful witch in her own right, but chooses professional Quidditch as a career and to top it all off, has to kiss her husband goodbye every morning and not know if he will actually come home that night. I don't think Harry would be content ever doing anything other than fighting dark wizards, but he needs someone to balance him. Ginny is perfect for that. I don't think this role came easy to her, but I think they learned together how to support each other so that they found a rhythm to their relationship. This is the Ginny we see here.

**Beth ends her daily Ginny rant.**

The dueling scene came to me because I thought Harry would want to, in some way, relive the days of the DA. Some people have a punching bag in their cellar, Harry Potter has a dueling range.

Yeah. I thought about the way that the Hogwarts generation would deal with telling their kids about the war. And I think that they would probably answer any questions their kids had, but not offer any of the gory details. Especially concerning Hermione's torture.

Haha - not having a laugh, but I knew you would pick up on that line!

"... lay your delectable booty down on this couch while I throw down some healing on you.." THIS is what I'm talking about. Too funny!

I'll fix that typo! I'm actually considering a beta for this story. It seems that no matter how many times I look at the chapter myself, little things still slip through.

Thanks again!


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Review #56, by CambAngstYear Five: The Big Thing

13th July 2014:
So wait, Emily gets to know Tristan's secret now but we still don't??? No fair! I'm starting to get a few guesses, though.

First off, though, it's killing me that neither Tristan nor Emily is picking up on whatís going on with Isobel. Tristan or Emily or any of the teachers or the Ravenclaw prefects or... well, anyone, for that matter. Granted, we're the all-seeing reader who's lived inside of each character's head for at least a chapter now, but it's still hard to imagine how everyone could still be missing the warning signs. Emily especially, since she's -- in a relative sense -- the most sober and well-grounded of the bunch.

The way you wrote the Peruvian potion was amazing. I don't know how much of this is research vs. first-hand experience -- and in the interest of keeping within the ToS, you probably shouldn't tell me ;) -- but you really nailed it with this one. The visual effects, the sense of disassociation and drifting, the feelings of interconnectedness with the world at large... all of it was perfectly in line.

And then it seems like this stuff actually does something more than overpower their serotonin receptors. That was a pretty crazy touch, and one that really brought the two worlds -- drug culture and magical -- together brilliantly. I loved every second of the way that we finally got to dig deeper into Tristan's character and his past. And it happened without all the unnecessary angst and posturing, all just completely matter-of-fact.

"I donít think youíre contagiousÖ or stupid," Emily gently offered in the brief pause after "Smells Like Teen Spirit" ended. -- Ha! I love that lyric. I was in my junior year of college when that song made it big and trust me, it was very contagious.

Ooh, so this potion even connects you with the glitch in the universal way, so to speak. You keep coming up with new ways to make me hate Higgs and Flint even more. Even though the things that Emily learns during her brief psychic connection with Flint were terrible, they were really insightful in a way. I love the amount of thought you've put into things for this story.

The scene with Emily and Tristan back in the "safe" corridor at Hogwarts was really sweet and touching, which doesn't happen all that often in this story. My speculation, based mostly on what I read in this chapter but also based on Tristan's mysterious middle initial, is that Tristan's muggle father isn't actually his father. I have a sneaking suspicion that his actual father is a pureblood Death Eater, perhaps Evan Rosier? Augustus Rookwood? Regardless, I think that's the secret that he's been trying to keep. I think that's why his middle name is such a stigma and I think that's why he didn't fight his sorting harder.

I hoped that the alone time between the two of them might grow into something more, but that would have been a lot to expect under the circumstances. Although I guess that, looking at it a little differently, it's already grown into something more.

Ah, the big give-away! I knew there was more to the flashback of Emily meeting Tristan than just the cuteness value, and on the second reading I picked up on those six little words: "It tends to go in families." If Tristan's mom was muggle-born, it seems very unlikely she was a Slytherin. If, perhaps, she was unintentionally impregnated by a pureblood fanatic -- sexually assaulted, even? -- it could go a long way toward explaining why she married a muggle and tried to take a step back from the magical world.

The more I think about it, that could also explain why Snape is so fond of Tristan. If Tristan has a muggle father yet he actually comes from an old, pureblood family, he and Snape would have that in common. So many possibilities!

I really loved this chapter! It was awesome in so many different ways. Great job!

Author's Response: Gah, I know, right? But, if memory serves, teenagers can be a bit self involved, and eating disorders often take a few months before they are obvious. Plus, those robes are really baggy.

I did online research for the Peruvian potion, but fractals writ in pink and green are something I've seen under different circumstances. That potion was incredibly fun to write, and the foray into psychedelic magic was, I thought, I nice digression from the rest of the story. I really liked the idea that, in a fictional magical world, folk magic is literally real. Also, divination being such a vague discipline, I liked writing about a magic more subtle than wand waving and incantations.

And yeah, I think it's really easy to take Nirvana for granted now that it's on such constant radio rotation. But it *was* such a big deal for so many people once, and their emergence meant a lot for many young people. Since I'm going for era-accuracy, I didn't want to underplay that. One of my big issues with the Potter movies is that they didn't set them in the 90s (and they didn't wear ROBES).

Oh man, the Higgs and Flint thing was so interesting to work on. I really wanted to challenge myself to properly conceptualize the prejudice. Also, I'm certain that seeing yourself from someone elses POV must be shocking--how things you do are interpreted in bizarre ways you wouldn't imagine (wet hair at breakfast). I definitely also wanted to imply that prejudiced people have weird and repressed fascinations--because I think that is often true in the real world. (I would imagine that Death Eaters secretly read Hustler).

"Looking at it a little differently, it's already grown into something more," that was a brilliant analysis! Oh man, wait until you see some phrasing way later--you might be psychic now, too!

I'm really stoked to see your speculations! I'd never ever ever tried to write a mystery before, but I've read a lot of Christie and Rowling's new books. I think the best mysteries are those where a number of possibilities are available to the reader, so I'm really pleased to see people's theories! Since I know what's going on, I wasn't sure if it was to obvious, or to obscure, but I think people are picking up on exactly the right things at precisely the right times!

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Review #57, by CambAngstRecipe for Disaster: A Recipe for Disaster

13th July 2014:
Farmgirl! How on earth did I never see this before? Just goes to show you easy it is to miss things. Then I saw it nominated for Story of the Month and I knew right where I was headed.

The premise of this is nothing short of hilarious. Poor McGonagall! If she's not struggling to manage her unruly, mischievous students, she's struggling to manage her adventurous, sweet-toothed boss. I loved the panic that the elves brought to the start of the story and I loved the way that you very gradually built up Minerva's head of steam. For a short piece, the pacing of this was brilliant. You did such a good job of interspersing her thoughts, letting her anger grow and focus. Excellent work.

And the visual of Dumbledore and Dobby cooking taffy was off the hook. I can see it all so easily, the twinkle of barely restrained glee in Dumbledore's eyes and the earnest joy on Dobby's face as he helps with something that he doesn't understand in the slightest. One of the talented illustrators of the Potter fandom should seriously take this up.

I noticed one tiny typos as I was reading:

The topics those Muggles think off to write books on! -- think of

Awesome, awesome job! This brightened my day!

Author's Response: *Shrugs* I have no idea how you didn't see it. I really thought you had read everything of mine. But I was totally excited to see a new review from you so I'm glad you missed it until now! And Story of the Month? Me? WOW! Guess I should really go poke my head back into the Common Room and come out of hiding.

Writing this was really fun, even though my muse got derailed in the middle and it took me a year to get back to it. I love when I can write Dumbledore being quirky and a bit silly instead of all serious as he got toward the end. And Dobby is always a hoot.

I've developed a real fondness for McGonagall and it was so much fun to push her to the limit of her patience here. LOL. She really is the only responsible adult around sometimes, isn't she.

That would be amazing to see a picture of this! I'd draw it myself but it would look like a pile of sticks... But I am so very glad you liked the picture I tried to paint in the story.

There are apparently quite a few typos in this, though. I had several pointed out to me this weekend. Looks like I will be doing a careful edit of this story soon. Thanks for catching them though.

Thanks for a review that brightened my day! As always, you are the best.

- Farmgirl

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Review #58, by CambAngstWordless: Wordless

11th July 2014:
Hi, Sian! Just one or two more reviews before bed. Just one or two more...

House Cup 2014 Review

Wow, this was really, really lovely. You did an amazing job of capturing the true value of a lifelong friendship. The depth and the strength. And you picked two characters that are pretty near and dear to my heart. I'll let you in on a little secret, one that I don't think I've ever put in a review response or MTA response. A lot of people asked what happened to Hannah in Conspiracy of Blood. Why she wasn't part of the story with Neville. What I had planned on -- and I just never found a way to work it into the plot -- was for Hannah and Susan to be in a relationship that started after Neville and Hannah separated. I still have it penciled in to possibly include in a one-shot some time.

Anyway, this review is about your story, not mine. Your description of the funeral was very appropriate to the event: stark and empty and kind of cold. And things don't get any easier after the service. You captured beautifully how I've always felt that wakes feel to the grieving family members. It's supposed to be an uplifting sort of event, but it's really more of an ordeal. A chance for dozens of people to awkwardly attempt to comfort the survivors, but in reality it only forces them to wear that stony outward face for even longer while they're suffering on the inside.

It just dawned on me that there isn't a single word of dialog in this entire story, and I thought that was a fantastic choice. The story is all about quiet comfort through the presence of a dear friend. I don't think words were necessary at all. In fact, they might have detracted.

The little details about Susan and Hannah's lives that you introduced helped to round out the picture and ground the extent of their friendship and mutual dependence. It was a nice touch.

Your writing hit just the right tone for me: serious and mournful, but not weepy or hysterical.

Great job! Go Gryffindor!

Author's Response: Hi Dan!

I'm really glad that you liked the way that I portrayed the funeral and the wake in this story. They're meant to be for celebration, but it's very rare that they can be that for those people who really miss the deceased, and this was definitely the case here. Poor Hannah, having to appear because it's what's expected of her but not wanting to at all.

I didn't want to include dialogue since I had the last line in my head from before writing this, and it didn't feel necessary to expand things with dialogue - the quiet comfort is what's important there.

I'm really glad you liked my characterisation of Hannah and Susan as well, and the details about their friendship.

Thanks for this great review, Dan!

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Review #59, by CambAngstFitting In: Heart to Heart

11th July 2014:
Hi, Kevin! I'm lumbering ahead with more reviews for the House Cup. I liked your first entry so much, I decided to try another. So:

House Cup 2014 Review

You are very brave. It is definitely not easy to tackle the mother-daughter dynamic. It isn't even like it's just one dynamic, after all. I'm sure it's very situational, depending on whether mom needs to be encouraging, stern, teaching, conspiring, soothing, or any combination of the above. In spite of the complexity, you pulled this off with apparent ease. I didn't feel like you were struggling with it at any point.

As to your thoughts in your author's note, I thought you did a good job of keeping Ginny in character. You really sold me on her from the start, when she doesn't hesitate to gently hex James and Albus in order to make her point. There's a thinly-veiled menace to the way she handles them, the unspoken fact that she is not going to allow them to get the best of her, no matter what it takes.

When she goes into Lily's room, I thought she handled it in a very sensible and consistent fashion. She didn't harp and cajole like Molly might have, but she gently and insistently offered Lily her ear (and her shoulder) until Lily decided she was ready to talk. When Lily breaks down and cries, I thought it was one of the sweetest things I've read all day. I like it when 11/12-year-olds actually behave like 11/12-year-olds in stories, not like miniature adults. Ginny shared her own life experiences to illustrate her point, which was very effective, it seems.

I saw a couple of small typos while I was reading:

Suddenly the boys found their lips without making a sound. -- lips moving without making a sound?

To her surprise, the young girl curled inward like she hadnít in years, burying her face in her motherís chest a beginning to sob. -- and beginning to sob

Otherwise, this flowed very nicely and it was a fast, easy read. I definitely enjoyed it! Good job!

Author's Response: Hello again! Thanks so much for reading this too!

You're always so thorough noticing these typos. Most of mine come from rolling on too fast and skipping letters or words as you can see. Ugh.

Anyway, I'm glad you liked the characterizations of Ginny and Lily. I was definitely worried about Ginny, probably more so than I might be for other characters because she's my favorite and I get really irked seeing people portray her in ways that she isn't and I just did NOT want to be one of those people.

Writing Lily was a challenge here too, because I wanted her to be difficult and set against getting any kind of support, but also be vulnerable so the interaction between she and Ginny could happen. Doing that when she was younger was also tough, because originally I had planned something different to be the catalyst (when she was older, and Ginny could go deeper into things) and so I had to walk that back and make her very different.

Thanks again for another great review!

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Review #60, by CambAngstAlways: Immeasurable

10th July 2014:
Hi, Kevin! Getting in a few more reviews before bedtime. The most important four words of this review:

House Cup 2014 Review

Just kidding, but they are important. Anyway, on with the review.

I thought you did an awesome job with this. This is a tiny thing, but you want to know something I really appreciated a lot? The fact that you didn't identify this as a House Cup piece in your summary or in a note at the beginning. Because in the absence of that, I honestly had no idea this was written for the House Cup. And that is high praise, my friend. What I'm saying is that this didn't have that "written in a hurry to meet some arbitrary prompt(s)" feel to it. It feels like something that you'd been thinking about and wrote because you wanted to. That's pretty rare in challenge and House Cup entries.

Your description of Remus's passing was one of the most non-cliche I've ever read, and I loved that. No sudden feeling of peace, no life flashing before his eyes, so sudden flash of green followed by nothingness. Just a simple passing over from one place to the next.

I wasn't sure at first why he'd come to James and Lily's house, but it came to me pretty quickly. He was happy there. Also, James and Sirius were already there. I loved the little details, like the arrangement of the furniture and Remus's almost absurdly practical wedding gift.

Random thought of the moment: Where do you think Peter woke up after Voldemort's silver hand choked the life out of him? I'd like to think maybe in a cage in Ron Weasley's room in the attic of the Burrow on a hot, stuffy day. For all eternity...

OK, enough of my pondering, back to your story. The introductions of James and Sirius felt perfectly in character for the two of them. I'm not sure what you would have done with Lily if she'd returned from her walk, but I don't think the story loses a thing without her. This is more about old friends reunited, supporting one another.

Gah, what an awful moment when the complete, horrible truth crashes down onto Remus. He couldn't bear the weight of it without his friends. But they're there: James offering spiritual support and comfort while Sirius summons creature comfort and some good humor to help the process along.

I didn't see a single typo or grammatical problem in this and it all flowed really well. You did our house proud with this! Good job!

Author's Response: Howdy Dan! Thanks for another deliciously detailed review!

Not putting that House Cup bit in the summary was actually a mistake! At first I thought we actually HAD to have that in there, so your review kind of made me panic that this hadn't been counted, but looking back it obviously did so that was a relief! I appreciate you saying that it didn't seem rushed though! Ironically, this is actually the one I wrote the fastest, but I think that's just because I feel pretty "at home" with the Marauders and so it was more in my wheelhouse than my other two prompt pieces.

I'm glad you found the characterizations and the setting believable too. I definitely struggled with where they'd first meet because I didn't want it to be too elaborate or too cliche, but somehow James and Lily's house just felt right.

I'm also excited you liked the transition. When I thought about it, I figured that so much of what is depicted of that transition in art, film, literature, etc. seems so grandiose. My idea of the "afterlife" is something more of a "second life" and so I wanted to do something that was more of a mundane "phase switch".

As for Peter...I actually like to think that his life after death involved being on the outside looking in. That his "setting" would be basically being forced to watch how the people he betrayed strode forward, found solace, and thrived in new ways after their passing. Where was Peter in this moment? Watching the type of reunion he would never be able to be a part of. Aching unbearably.

Thanks for the great review!

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Review #61, by CambAngstLike His Father: Like His Father

10th July 2014:
Hi, Karou! Trying to wedge in a few more reviews before bed. So without further ado:

House Cup 2014 Review

With that out of the way, I liked the way you characterized Neville here. He's at that point in his life where he's finally starting to gain a bit of self-confidence and step out of the long shadow of his parents that he grew up in. Neville's always struck me as a guy who had to be pretty strong. His grandmother didn't give him any other choice. Here he gets a nice little moment to shine in front of the group, and he handles it the right way. He enjoys his success, but he doesn't go all "Aw, shucks!" over it. He's starting to expect to succeed.

In the corridor where they were being stalked by Mrs. Norris -- you have a typo in her name, by the way -- he assumed a leadership role. He gets them all safely back to the common room. Another small milestone for him.

The scene with his parents' picture was touching and poignant. You handled it really well, with a lot of sensitivity and finesse.

Great job!

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Review #62, by CambAngstYear Five: Self-Spelling

10th July 2014:
Holy crap! So I think I mentioned something in my last review about feeling like something big was about to happen. I honestly wasn't expecting it this soon. Anyhow, one small formality:

House Cup 2014 Review

So it finally happened. You'd been building up to it for a while with Laurel. I really want to commend you on your pacing of this story. Your plot lines move in a nice, even, natural-feeling progression. I can't really think of anything that's come completely out of the blue in this story, but it isn't as though you telegraph every last development, either. Sometimes something happens and while you didn't see it coming, you realize that there were subtle hints.

I can't decide whether I think Tristan or Isobel will be the next to crash. Tristan doesn't seem to be as bad off as Laurel in terms of charm abuse, but I'm not sure how much more the kid can take mentally. If Isobel doesn't eat something soon, her body is probably going to start to shut down. Even Emily seems to fall off the wagon from time to time and take her substances too far. They're not a healthy group of individuals.

The Defense lesson was a great foil to keep drawing out Laurel's problems. It was interesting to watch all of the cognitive dissonance surrounding Laurel's reaction. Isobel and Tristan both should have figured out what was going on. At some level, I'm sure that both of them did. But they're also so caught up in their own problems that they don't seem to want to create even more difficulty and confrontation by calling her out on it. So the conspiracy of silence goes on.

Isobel's anorexia/bulimia is reaching scary proportions, as well. In general, I think you've done a very realistic and gripping job of showing the troubles that these kids are struggling with. You don't overplay it or blow the drama up to ridiculous proportions. All of them believe -- as I think most sufferers of such conditions do -- that they have things under control. It doesn't seem that serious to them, even though when we see it through another character's eyes, we definitely know it's serious. That's some really good writing.

The scene where Isobel finds Laurel in her bed had a very surreal, "this isn't happening" kind of quality to it, which was perfect. Everything about the rest of the school's follow-up reaction was also well done, from Flitwick trying -- and mostly failing -- to be helpful to the other Slytherins being complete jerks about it. Snape, oddly enough, seemed to be the only one who realized that sometimes less is more. Laurel is, presumably, where she needs to be now.

Second chapter in a row with no typos! Great job!

Author's Response: "Sometimes something happens and while you didn't see it coming, you realize that there were subtle hints." High praise, that!

Your "conspiracy of silence" comment was great! All these kids have stuff going on, but they only have eachother for support. And so their support systems are woefully inadequate. Kids go through these kinds of things at that age, even if they aren't at boarding school. But, I thought that in that context, it could be even more dangerous.

I'm really glad that you think her eating disorder was handled properly! I read once that people always fail when they write about that subject, because they end up romanticizing the stoicism and stuff. Which is irresponsible. The writer of this op-ed suggested that what eating disorders TRULY are, is boring and tedious. Now, since I'm going for accuracy, but also trying to write something interesting and engaging, "boring and tedious" is a difficult task to do in the right way. So yeah, really glad you think it's all coming off well.

And I'm really happy the overdose was surreal! It was such an important scene, I really wanted to get the tone right! And as for the fall out: YES. I lovelovelove Snape, and writing him from the perspective of students who hate him is really fun, but I also wanted to give him a moment to shine.

Thank you for these reviews! I can't say how encouraging it is to see all these little things I worked on coming through, and working out. It's an incredible luxury to get chapter-by-chapter feedback, so I thank you!

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Review #63, by CambAngstYear Five: Troll in the Dungeons!

10th July 2014:
Hi, there! I'm continuing my march through your story. It's an opportunity to enjoy it and feel good about it at the same time. Win-win.

House Cup 2014 Review

First off, love your chapter image. The model is perfect for the way you're been building Laurel up.

Poor Tristan is kind of a mess, emotionally. It seems like he comes by a lot of it honestly and I'm guessing that the highs and lows of repeatedly charming with Laurel and the others are affecting his moods, as well. Addiction is a harsh master, and I'm sure that he's in deeper than he realizes.

This new combination of charms that Laurel is using sounds like a pretty bad deal. You have one charm canceling the euphoria of the other, allowing her to function "normally". That sounds like the very essence of addiction if I've ever seen it.

Tristan's sorting brings up some interesting points. We know from history that the hat makes mistakes sometimes. Or as Dumbledore said, "Sometimes I think we sort too soon." Then again, it's possibly that Tristan wouldn't be happy no matter where he was. His self-loathing is reaching pretty scary levels. He doesn't even seem to feel worthy of a nice gift from his parents or a tiny check from his grandmother.

It seems like sometimes Tristan excels in spite of himself. With both McGonagall and Sprout, he makes a good impression and then almost immediately ruins it with self-destructive behavior. I feel badly for him, but ultimately the situation can only be considered his own fault.

'Free Time, and Also: Animals' -- Ha! Brilliant description of a class where the students were basically instructed to play with kitties for an hour. I wonder what they would have called Hagrid's class? 'Animals, and Also: Mortal Danger'?

This chapter gave a different view of more than just Laurel and Tristan. Emily seemed pretty out of control, as well.

"Wait, look," Isobel pointed. "People! We're people!" Isobel explained, indicating to the swarm descending on the Quidditch pitch.

"Letís go be people!" yelled Laurel, and she took off sprinting in the direction of the game.

Not a great sign when you're ambivalent on your personhood.

Interesting to see the Quidditch experience through the eyes of a non-fan. I guess all of the plays would be a bit confusing if you had no idea what was going on.

I feel like you're building toward something here. I can't say exactly what, but I don't see the foursome's activities being something they can sustain for an entire school year, especially with OWL's at the end. I'm really curioius to find out what. Good job!

Author's Response: Glad you liked the image! I spent a lottt of time choosing faceclaims for the characters. I ended up choosing actors who came to prominence as teenagers doing indie films. That way, they would have enough moody pictures (rather than glamor photos), and would look realistically young enough. I thought that image was incredibly perfect for the chapter, and even though she clearly isn't wearing robes, used it anyway. (In canon, they wear ROBES--I take this very seriously! I tried to only use pictures where they look like it could be robes, unless the chapter takes place in the muggle world.)

Oh yes, that charm blend is a monster. Honestly, I was basically trying to make it roughly equivalent to opiates. I'm glad that the VERY BAD IDEAness of it all came across!

Tristan's history with Sorting was, for me, totally tragic. He was basically in the same situation as Harry, with the hat suggesting he should be in Slytherin. But whereas Harry fought the idea, and ASKED to be in Gryffindor, Tristan resigned himself. One gets many opportunities for dramatic irony when writing fanfiction :)

"Tristan excels in spite of himself"--that's a really spot on observation! Cheers for that whole paragraph! I definitely wanted him to be sympathetic, and for readers to understand his behavior the way you do, but also kind of want to slap him.

'Free Time, and Also: Animals'--ahhh, so glad you found that as funny as I did! 'Animals, and Also: Mortal Danger' is so good that I wish I'd set this story in 1993!

And I'm glad for your reaction to their states-of-mind just before the match. I wanted them to have fun, but I didn't want to romanticize their charm-use.

As for the match itself, I've never really understood sports myself, and I really liked the idea of them all being fish-out-of-water at a game.

Aha, as you know, you were SPOT ON about their behaviors being unsustainable. So good on you! And I'm so pleased that that was paced properly!

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Review #64, by CambAngstYear Five: Behind the Mirror

10th July 2014:
Party! Party! Seriously, that sounded like a fun party. OK, quick formality:

House Cup 2014 Review

I read this chapter last night, but once again it seemed prudent to wait until I was a little less brain-dead before reviewing.

Ah, the Weasley Twins. Purveyors of fine mischief and mischief-related services to the Hogwarts community for just shy of seven years. I wonder whether they found the room behind the mirror on the Marauder's Map or whether it was genuinely their own discovery?

Interesting. When I read this last night, I missed the fact that it was Tristan's idea to invite Wood. Wow, that boy is complicated. Smart, too. I love Fred and George's reaction to being told.

This seems like a good spot to stop and compliment you on the way that you've sought out canon surnames to create original characters. Given the relatively small size of the British magical community, I think that approach makes a lot of sense.

Laurel didnít come at all. -- Is it just me, or do I sense a major crash coming up in her near-term future. Either a crash or an intervention, I would think. Possibly both.

Ha! Sir Cadogan is totally onto them! In fact, maybe he understands more than they do. I guess when you live in a school for a few centuries, watching generation after generation of teenagers pass by, you get to be a pretty good judge of these things.

"June," he improvised, throwing his arm around her shoulder. "And our chaperone only just stepped out." To Emily, he whispered, "play along, it'll make him happy." Hmmmnnn... Tristan, you sly devil!

"That was big of him," replied Oliver, unsarcastically. -- It really was. I'm glad to see that you made Oliver basically a decent guy in the end.

So I feel compelled to stop and ask at this point: How do these students smuggle so much booze into the castle? Bottles of liquor are one thing -- compact, easily hidden -- but entire cases of beer? Filch is slacking!

Every Hufflepuff years five through seven had turned up, as well as most of the upper level Ravenclaws and Gryffindors. Tristan was still the only Slytherin. -- I'll nit-pick you a smidge on that passage, because earlier you mentioned that the collapsed passage could hold around ten people. You might want to tweak that description a bit, because I do like the idea of a large party.

It seems that even some of the castle's "A students" have a bit of a recreational magic habit. I remember kids like that from college, using everything from caffeine to asthma inhalers to stay up and study just those few extra hours.

And then the Weasley twins start puking. Ah, the novice drinkers at their first big party. There's a story that transcends the muggle and magical worlds effortlessly.

The House Elves are so nice to the students. I love that throughout six books set at Hogwarts, nobody was ever once turned in by a House Elf for breaking the rules. Because there's little doubt that the House Elves knew everything that was going on.

I didn't see a single typo as I was reading this chapter, so kudos on your editing! It was a fun read, even if it was a bit fluffy. I think it definitely added to the story. Great job!

Author's Response: First off, your reviews are really thorough and insightful, and I super appreciate that you take the time to leave such good ones!

The collapsed passage behind the mirror crops up in canon, and is listed on the Marauder's Map, so they could easily have found it there.

And yes, canon surnames. With only 35-50 students graduating Hogwarts a year, it must be a tiny population! Also, it was fun finding a character for someone to be related to, and helped a lot with coming up with names (if someone had a brother or sister named, I looked up common sibling names--I also looked up most common English baby names in the mid seventies for naming the muggle teens).

Ah yes, their encounter with Cagogan--my attempt at shipping. Romance isn't my strong suit, so playing it as awkwardness and subtle comedy was easiest for me. Also, it let me bury yet another very big hint!

Yes, I definitely like the idea of seeing a basically good person from another POV (Tristan and Wood the first time round), but Wood is hardly a bad guy in the books. A bit of a jock, and passionate to the point of obnoxiousness, which I could play with--but ultimately a nice guy.

Ah, the excess booze. I figure the older students who are of age have an easier time sneaking things in, maybe? They know magic way beyond what Filch could detect, and they have practice.

Size of party: I will rewrite that bit, didn't mean for it to be confusing. I'd tried to suggest that the space was over-large for a party of ten, because that's all Emily thought it would be. But from my experience as a teen, word of parties tends to spread fast, and become ragers rather quickly.

And yeah, "study spells"--figured there had to be a magical equivalent to what kids at my college called "study drugs."

You make an excellent point about the elves never turning students in. The concept of House Elves was one of my favorites in the books--another statement about power and corruption, and how power is only ok when used to serve others. Also, the tricky issues of exploitation, but also Hermione's cultural insensitivity. Now I'm rambling, but yes, House Elves are potent!


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Review #65, by CambAngstYear Five: Three Times Charmed

9th July 2014:
Hello, again! Doing what I can to help with the big push, so for the record:

House Cup 2014 Review

I like the fact that Isobel owns her vanity. She does it and she does it well and she takes what most would consider a vice and makes it into a sort of personal virtue. In fact, this chapter really seems to be all about vices. Isobel is vain, Laurel is a charm junkie (gluttony?), Emily is a slag (lust) and Tristan has a real superiority complex where it comes to the muggle vs. magical (pride). That leaves out wrath, sloth and envy, but you can't have it all in a story with only four main characters I suppose.

And then, all of a sudden, Emily just gave up on boys, in order to wait patiently for Tristan to start paying attention to her. -- Ah! I'm pleased that I got this right in one of my earlier reviews.

It seems that they've planned out their trip to Hogsmeade quite thoroughly, obtaining necessary provisions and all that. A very realistic touch, based on my own experiences. To waste a day effectively, you need to make sure that everything is in place or you'll spend valuable slacking time addressing your wants and needs. That's way too much like productivity.

I love what you did with Filch. I wouldn't imagine a middle-aged squib who lives in a magical school would know much at all about muggle technology.

Laurel and Isobel are quite the pair as they make their way around the village. It's more often male characters who are written as this type of trouble-maker, and it was neat to see a pair of girls engaging in a devil-may-care day of recreational magic, petty theft and generally being obnoxious.

Hmmnn... who or what was inside the Hog's Head that chased Laurel away? Another small mystery?

You've done such a good job of keeping Tristan's music perfectly time and genre-appropriate. Kudos on all of your research and excellent taste.

Ha! Love the Hufflepuffs and their secrets to obtaining all manner of creature comforts.

I saw one lonely typo as I was reading:

She patted it once, and pinched the excess flesh around her naval. -- navel

Great job! I shall return soon.

Author's Response: Thank you for all of the reviews!!!

What you said about the seven sins is really interesting! Wrath and envy definitely make appearances, and even a little bit of sloth (although it's by far the least interesting sin.)

Writing their day in the village definitely involved me trying to channel my younger teenage self, and remembering all the ways intoxicated/giddy teenage girls can be obnoxious, and how they don't really care. I'm glad you found it realistic! And the comment that young women are rarely written that way was quite the complement.

Oh, I didn't mean for the Hogs Head to be such a mystery. Rather, Laurel just thought it looked very seedy, and that two teenage girls might do better NOT to go in.

And yes, lots of research into the music! I tried to comb through everything era-appropriate in order to find the songs that fit each person the best. And writing Isobel's distaste for the Pixies was fun, because I really like them.

AH, thank you for pointing out "naval"!!!

You're the best!

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Review #66, by CambAngstWho Killed Lucy?: Ruptures and Punctures

9th July 2014:
Hi, Nadia! Before I tell you how great this was, one formality:

House Cup 2014 Review

There, credit will be taken. ;)

You took a horrible, heart-breaking situation and treated it with a lot of sensitivity and finesse in this story. Poor Lucy was struck down by an invisible assailant in the prime of her life. There was no warning, no moment that anyone could point to and say, "If only I'd done this instead of that." It's a different kind of survivor's guilt, I think, from what people normally deal with.

Poor Audrey just seemed broken, unable to accept or deal with what had happened. Percy came across as desperate to do something to heal his broken family, except that there was nothing he could do. Then there was Molly, who was trying to find some way to make it all better. Each coping in their own way, taking a small measure of strength from one another. Very, very sad, but also realistic and very tangible to the reader.

Your writing was lovely. The details that you plucked out to focus on were exactly the sorts of things that add gravity and depth to an otherwise stark situation. I didn't see any typos or grammatical problems. Nicely done!

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Review #67, by CambAngstPut On Notice: Put On Notice

9th July 2014:
Hi, pix! I'm here to win another valuable point in Ye Olde House Cup. Also, to finally read and review your story, which I have been missing out on. So first off, let's deal with the formalities:

House Cup 2014 Review

Now, with that out of the way, may I say what a great job you did of nestling yourself inside Scorpius's over-inflated blond head and getting comfortable. The voice you captured in this story was excellent: smug, self-important and cocky, but with just enough self-doubt and introspection to make him interesting. Interesting and more than a little comical. To briefly and inadequately summarize: "Who needs Rose Weasley? Not me, that's for sure! I just like to stare at her, you know, from a distance. And do foolish things to make her annoyed at me. Because if she's annoyed at me, she's paying attention to me, not that I need her attention! Or even want her attention. I just enjoy knowing that I'm on her mind somewhere..." It's a bit pathetic, but in a cute sort of way.

It seems that he's turned into something of a Robin Hood, flaunting the Ministry's law in order to help the weak and powerless. It's funny how he wants Rose to not only know what a bad thing he's done, but also appreciate it for his noble intentions.

The only thing I can critique you for a bit is that sometimes the timeline of the events Scorpius is thinking about gets hard to follow. He's sort of bouncing around between different years they were at Hogwarts together, and the events are a little hard to put in any sort of order. Then there's an implication that he hasn't seen her since leaving Hogwarts, but it's pretty obvious that he has. There's almost a schizophrenic quality to it, which perhaps was what you were going for. In that case, bravo!

Good job, and I hope you did well in the challenge!

Author's Response: Hi there! House Cup time!

Sorry for the crazy delay in my response. The House Cup was very good to me as far as reviews went. I am grateful, and also finally catching up on responses.

That said, I can't believe you actually read this thing. It's by far not my best writing, and at best, it's the most-rushed, least-edited piece on my author's page. Ah well. I'm marking this as another milestone and moving on.

Haha! I guess when I'm in a pinch, I default to snark. Your summary pretty much hit home the character of Scorpius Malfoy in this story. Yes, cute and pathetic. Because pathetic alone wouldn't make him very attractive, and then half of fanfic world would be setting fire to my author's page and sending me hate mail.

The timeline bouncing was probably a combination of fatigue and a looming deadline. I didn't have sufficient time to revise the way I usually do, and it was posted practically as soon as I finished it. Crazy. In spite of that, I don't hate it. It still makes me chuckle, so I guess it came out alright. I was probably slightly schizophrenic when I was writing it, but hey, if it works for the character, I run with it. lol!

Thanks for the review!

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Review #68, by CambAngstActions Speak Louder than Words: Breakout: Rose POV

9th July 2014:
Hi, Beth! Back again for another awesome chapter. Even better, I will be claiming a valuable point for Gryffindor! Let's get the formalities out of the way, shall we?

House Cup 2014 Review

Now that we've taken care of that, I like the progress you made with Rose in this chapter. She seems like a new woman after finally giving in -- and convincing Scorpius to give in -- to the passion that's been growing between the two of them. She's getting all dolled up and going out to a crowded place. She's snogging Scorpius silly, both in private and in public. She's buying rounds, she's joking, she's laughing... just an all-around functional 20-something. It was beautiful to watch.

You did a good job of keeping her progress measured and realistic. She nearly has a panic attack in the pub, but with Scorpius's help she's able to pull back from the brink. He's so very good for her on so many levels.

All of Rose's cousins and friends were incredibly supportive, as well. You can feel how badly they want this for her, the recovery and the normality. They want her to be herself again, whole and full of life. That's the Weasley family written well!

One thing that I found a tiny bit odd was when you dipped into the fashion discussion with Selenia and Samara. There was nothing wrong with it, per se, just that you didn't do anything like that for any of the other characters. I remember reading it -- admittedly last night, so I wasn't at my sharpest -- and thinking, "what's the take-away here? Why is she emphasizing this?" Not a big deal, but it caught my overly-critical editor's eye.

Ha! Dom is awesome. And it appears that she can't hold her liquor very well. Either that, or she's had too much of it. Regardless, she has no problem shouting out what the others have probably realized and politely decided not to comment on. Good thing her boyfriend is there to rein her in just a bit.

Aww, Al is getting all sentimental on her. I like Al in this mode. It's much more fun and heart-warming to read than Al in Type A, brooding, overprotective jerk mode. Yes sirree, we are having a wonderful family night out. Love is in the air everywhere. Even the Auror mentees are getting in on it. What a great night for a...

DEATH EATER ATTACK!!! Aiieee! Everybody take cover!

Death Eaters have lousy timing, you know that? While the action here was fairly straightforward, it instantly sent my brain into detective overdrive. How did the Death Eaters know that Rose was going to be at the pub? Even Scorpius didn't know they were going to be there until just before they left home. I'm suddenly looking at everyone present with a very suspicious eye. Let's say for the sake of argument that we can rule out Rose's family, because god help us all if the Weasleys have been compromised. That would leave Selenia and Samara, who seem like unlikely candidates, Dom's boyfriend, the bartender lady and... well, Scorpius, himself. I rather doubt that Scorpius is plotting against Rose, but let's say for the sake of argument that his movements are being surreptitiously tracked. Perhaps by a long, lost relative. Hmmmnnn...

All guessing aside, you did a pretty good job with the fight scene. It was easy to visualize the chaos and the jets of light and hear the cracks of spells. Rose's panic and difficulty functioning also came through clearly. I was a little surprised that Albus would have sent her off to find Lily, given her mental state. She obviously wasn't in much of a position to take on the task, but I guess decisions get made in the heat of the moment. In spite of that, she's still worried about finding Dom and getting her out of there. I love the compassion and the way that she wants to protect her family, even if she's not really able.

And... you left us with a cliffhanger. That was mean of you, Beth! Very mean. I approve. ;)

I didn't see any typos or other problems with this chapter. It moved at a nice, fast pace and it was fun to read. Good job!

Author's Response: Hey, hi, ho!

So - first order of business is to apologize. It has taken me far to long to respond to this - and your other completely awesome reviews. I didn't want to send a perfunctory response and I got all caught up in my first House Cup, so my review responses (and writing and daily chores and life functions) have taken a back burner.

Thanks for all your comments - I especially appreciated the fact that you found Rose's progress to be well paced. There is no magic "off" button for recovery and Rose will continue to have progress and setbacks.

The super over-done fashion description is a big editing error on my part. I think that I mentioned earlier that I started this entire story from the middle - actually I started writing at Chapter 9 - the scene with Albus and Scorpius shooting up the forest. I don't have any good explanation as to why it started there, as I said this is my first go and the story just started to come to me from that point.

Anywho, with that as my start, this chapter was the first place where I could describe the two Potter boys' women - and I just left it in. I did edit this chapter (and edit and edit and edit), but I thought that I might have been incomplete in my earlier descriptions of those two fairly important characters. I also thought that it would show that Rose , for the first time, feels on par with these two (even though she claims she doesn't). She is with her man, all "dolled up" (to borrow your expression) and really happy.

Dom is a party girl. She works hard, plays hard. She just had a little bit too much to drink on this particular night - perhaps because she showed a bit of weakness to her colleagues at the meeting earlier in the day. I don't know if this ever happens to you, but sometimes (alright a LOT of times), I don't know why my characters do things. When I go back and edit, it makes sense and I'm like "Oh yeah! She drank to much and THAT's why she got hit with the cruciatus that is revealed two chapters from now..."

I like Al in this mode too. He seems to look just like Harry, but have quite a bit of the Weasley temperament. Rose doesn't seem to mind the overprotective Al, but she is just very forgiving of people and accepting of their natures.

Yeah, those Death Eaters are a huge pain in the butt, huh? How did they know? I'm glad you are trying to figure it out, but there were a LOT of people there - and you are right, it was a last minute decision to go there. I can't give anything up just yet. You will have to keep Hm-ing.

Thanks again. This was my first fight scene and I took a while to get it how I wanted - but me reading it over and over and over can't compare with feedback from an objective source.

Yeah, maybe Al sending Rose to find Lily wasn't the best move, but it was the heat of battle and he was worried about his little sister (who he had been told to take care of by Ginny), Rose seemed like the best option at the time.

Glad you liked the cliffhanger. I don't like to overuse them, but every now and then, they are just plain fun!

Thanks again, Dan. If I haven't told you before, your reviews are part of the reason I've continued the story - and have been posting the chapters as quickly as I have. It really makes a difference when you know someone is eagerly awaiting the next installment!

Thanks again!


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Review #69, by CambAngstBurn Away the Darkness: Shine

8th July 2014:
Hi, Sian! You're doing such awesome things in the House Cup reviewing competition, I definitely feel like you deserve some love as well. First, let's get the formalities out of the way:

House Cup 2014 Review

Now, on to more pleasant things! I thought you painted an unusually balanced and realistic picture of Petunia. She's not an easy character to write because I find her motivations and emotions to be really complex and very different at different points in her life. You captured some of the bigger themes that run through her story: her jealousy, her fear of things that are different and her tendency to allow that fear and jealousy to twist into spite and bitterness. But you also included some unexpectedly tender moments. It seems that she really did love her sister and miss Lily after the world of magic took her away. I almost saw a moment of love for little Harry, at least until James's black hair and glasses drove her away from him. The idea that her doting treatment of Dudley was an attempt to compensate for the love that she could never feel toward Harry was a really neat one. I never thought of it that way.

Your writing was lovely. I didn't see a single typo or grammatical error and the whole thing flowed very nicely. Great job!

Author's Response: Hi Dan! I'm shamefully late at responding to this review, but thank you for stopping by!

Petunia's one of those characters I'm still unsure about, but it was really interesting to write this story and try and see a different side to her than the one that we get in the series. She's quite one-dimensional in the books and we never get to think about the reasons why she did things, but I'm really pleased that you liked the way I included some of the 'worse' emotions that she felt, but also could see some of the reasons behind them.

Thank you so much for this review!

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Review #70, by CambAngstAll Grown Up: Looking Down

8th July 2014:
Sarah! I am here, scoring points for my house!

House Cup 2014 Review

This was really touching and sweet and even a bit funny in places. I liked the balance of emotions, even if sadness was the overarching sort of feel. Tonks is right, she does get to see things that other parents probably miss, but without having any ability to interact or affect anything. That has to be an emotional roller coaster, especially for someone as excitable as her.

You picked some really good moments in Teddy's young life for her to focus on. Things that definitely would have emotional weight.

Then at the end, when you brought Remus into the story, that closed a significant loop for me. It would have been really sad for her not to be able to share these moments with Teddy's father.

"You know, it's a good thing we named him, I can't imagine what mother would've come up with, given the chance." -- That was an awesome way to end the chapter! A nice, light note to offset the melancholy.

Your writing was lovely in this. It flowed really nicely and I didn't see any typos, grammatical problems or awkward wording. Nicely done!

Author's Response: Hey!
Thanks so much for the review! I'm glad that you liked this story. It's definitely one that I wasn't all that comfortable writing, so it's flattering that you enjoyed it! Especially coming from you!
xoxo Sarah

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Review #71, by CambAngstReasons to Smile: Alexa: When Ultimatums are Made

8th July 2014:
Ugh. I'm feeling seriously emotionally stuffy right now. I need some emotional air. OK, while I take a breath:

House Cup 2014 Review

If the last chapter wasn't fun to read, this one was even less so. It seems like Alexa has so many difficult relationships in her life at this point: Albus, her father, her brother... Somebody once told me, and I can't for the life of me remember who, that if you have a problem with everyone then it's unlikely that the fault lies entirely with everyone else. Which is not to say that everyone else is faultless...

It never stops, the screaming. -- As the parent of twin 6-year-olds, I can confirm that this is true. Horribly, horribly true. Oh, wait, this is a nightmare, not real life. Well, it's true in real life, too, except the screams are less bloodcurdling. Poor Alexa. She can't even escape it in her sleep.

Wow, so she's thought this pretty far through. I feel like she doesn't want to leave Albus, but she'd rather do that than see everything destroyed. I can't really relate, but I can follow the logic.

Ash seems like a good confidant for Lexi, one who can offer a hint of insight on the male perspective. It's really too bad she doesn't take him up on his offer. Somebody needs to kick Albus's, er, butt.

I agree with Ash. It's sort of hard to relate to someone who grew up in a sprawling pureblood estate. It sounds very cool, though.

Aww, Theo has another kid! That's awesome. He seems like the kind of guy who's made to be a dad. At least until they reach their young adult years. So there's a big fight brewing between the three Notts. Work related? Family related? Something else? You're spinning a lot of good mystery here.

Sigh. It's awful to see what's playing out inside Albus and Alexa's home. You did a great job writing Isaac's reaction. Parents always think that kids don't notice these things. They're pretty much always wrong about that.

The final confrontation between Albus and Lexi really needed to happen. In fact, I wish they'd spent more time on it. Instead, Lexi sort of storms off again and Albus is too much of a coward to really press the issue. So sad. I hope circumstances really force them to deal with this soon, because it doesn't seem like they're going to deal with it otherwise. Interesting, though. Who was killed? There are lots of characters from the first story that we haven't seen yet...

I saw a couple of typos while I was reading:

I managed to stop him before he got Gracie herself -- himself?

The last time I saw you for more than an hour was Kieron's birthday party two weeks ago and you were so lost in your own thoughts, so distant, that been ignored by you while... being with you felt almost cruel. -- being ignored by you

You're killing me, Sam! Killing me! Please let them be a little happy soon, OK?

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Review #72, by CambAngstReasons to Smile: Albus: When the Damage is Done

8th July 2014:
Hi, Sam! I'm back again, getting myself all caught up. First, a note from our sponsor:

House Cup 2014 Review

Now back to our regularly scheduled program.

OK, so maybe I'm a tad less angry with Al now. At least he has the minimal wherewithal it takes to know that he's acting like a jerk and feel badly about it. I'm really curious who it is he's chasing and why the case is so important to him. It has to be somebody pretty awful to get this kind of a rise out of him. It also sounds like the individual is not simply a garden-variety fugitive if he has a gang of thugs watching his back. A very interesting mystery you've spun here!

Al definitely seems to have some of his father in him, specifically the patent disregard for his own health and well-being when he's immersed in his work. When he's refusing to visit St. Mungo's, I could easily hear Harry, refusing a trip to the Hospital Wing.

You did a great job writing Isaac in this chapter. The admiration and need for approval was rolling off of the kid in waves. It's horribly sad to see him worry so much over things with his dad, and like I said earlier, Al at least feels badly about the whole thing. But not badly enough to change, apparently. Stupid Al! Stupid!

Lexi was solidly in character in this chapter, but I have to admit that I'm more than a little annoyed with her, too. Just like in the first story, they've both so stubborn sometimes! The silent treatment she's giving him as she builds up to telling him off really isn't helping the communication any. It's great that she inherited her father's strength, but some of his other traits are causing her problems.

Again, so much of his father in Al. He can take on dark wizards, but he's too much of a coward to face his own wife. Or his own feelings.

"Go. I can't stop you anyway." -- Sigh. Not a good note to end this chapter.

I noticed a few typos as I was reading:

sure we talk to the other neighbors, but Craig spends time over here, comes over opfor dinner, and has even been to the Burrow with his kids. -- comes over for dinner

Alexa, like Theodore, will wait it out, will think about the worse possible thing that can be done to you -- worst possible thing

The very idea of being fed soon as the boys running back in -- soon has the boys

Bobby goes on and on about a gamefowl football he played with some kids in the park the other day -- game of football?

Great job!

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Review #73, by CambAngstYear Five: Loose Lips

7th July 2014:
I'm back again! In the spirit of full disclosure, I actually read this chapter last night, but I was way too worn out to write a decent review. Here I am, ready to do it justice. First, a bit of boilerplate:

House Cup 2014 Review

Now, on to the substance and the glory.

Tristan is a really deep kid. Emily, Isobel and Tristan all seem like pretty deep thinkers, actually, but in that "too cool for school" way that prizes off-beat topics and irreverent lines of inquiry. The jury is still out on Laurel, I think, although she is a Ravenclaw so the potential is obviously there.

"'Ouch," teased Isobel. "You really know where to hit Snapey where it hurts: ethics." -- A brilliant line, although you have an extra single quote in front of "Ouch".

I love the idea of Sir Cadogan attempting to mentor and intimidate the foursome, it cracks me up. I hate to sound like a broken record, but you misspelled his name in the first mention: Cadoaon. I think that was the last typo I saw.

There was nothing Tristan hated more than being confined. -- You slip in a lot of small facts and observations about Tristan in this story. I'm almost to the point of giving up on trying to figure out which ones have a bigger purpose and which do not. Almost. This one seems like something that might pop up again later on.

I loved Tristan's nickname for Quirrell, but the description raised an interesting -- and exceedingly minor -- point in my head. I'm not sure that Quirrell stuttered before his encounter with Voldemort. The Harry Potter Wiki -- which always must be treated with skepticism, but is sometimes correct by sheer chance -- implies that he was always timid, but started to stutter and faint after returning from his sabbatical. Take it for what it's worth. Probably nothing to lose sleep over.

Tristan's meditation on the definition of quaint was completely brilliant. Kudos to Marauderfan for that one!

Interesting. Tristan has a point where his job prospects are concerned, although he overdoes it a bit. I'd never given much thought to what might happen for a witch or wizard who wished to reenter the muggle world after finishing their studies at Hogwarts. There are approximately three million fan fics out there -- mostly Dramiones; ick -- where Hermione attends a muggle university after Hogwarts but they all tend to skim over the topic of what she submitted for a secondary school transcript.

You are doing a marvelous job of slow-playing whatever it is that's developing between Tristan and Emily. They're definitely not romantically involved, but you can see the potential chemistry. She seems to get angry at him when she realizes -- perhaps subconsciously -- that he's beating himself up for no good reason.

Wow. It sure is easy for witches and wizards to cover their tracks when they're on the cusp of getting caught in the midst of some recreation. I envy that.

While I was reading the conflict between Tristan and Oliver Wood, I had this image of Emilio Estevez and Judd Nelson chest-thumping it out in Breakfast Club. Tristan isn't quite the loud-mouthed rebel that Nelson played, but Wood would totally fit with Estevez's jock character. I wonder if he ever taped somebody's buns together in the Quidditch dressing room? Why on earth do I think of things like this???

I wonder what happened to Laurel to put her in such a mood? Could be Cheering Charm withdrawal, I suppose. Or maybe something more. I guess if it's important, we'll find out.

Tristan seems to have earned some respect for standing up to Wood and taking his licks. Fred and George weren't the first ones who came to mind, but it makes sense. The other Slytherins, however, were more of a surprise. And Tristan doesn't take it well at all. I hope that the lie he tells to get back on their bad side doesn't come back to haunt him too badly. Who am I kidding? Of course it will.

Your end notes are required reading for this story. The little bits of color and clarification you add are always interesting.

Great job! Be back soon...

Author's Response: Ah, thank you for catching those mistakes! I will fix them straight away! And the Quirrel thing too.

I'm really glad for your reaction to Tristan! *steeples hands and smirks, ideally while lit from below*

I definitely wanted Tristan to be a bit of a pain, a la Harry when he was in his fifth year. But, obv very different. Just equally 15.

And excellent Emily observation! Glad that came across!

Haha! From this point forward, I will imagine Oliver Wood as Emilio Estevez!

Is 'the lie' you mentioned that he said he was a mudblood? I thought I remembered Harry being considered a half blood because Lily was muggle-born...

Now that I think on it, there isn't a named PC term in the Potter series for the children of muggle-borns. Hmmm.

I'm glad you like the end notes! I wasn't sure if I was just being self-indulgent. There were just little bits of research I happened upon that were really neat, but couldn't be gracefully woven into the story.

Thanks for another wonderful review!

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Review #74, by CambAngstReasons to Smile: Alexa: When Emotions Break Through

7th July 2014:
Sam! I have been meaning to get to your sequel for ages and the House Cup is always a great opportunity to catch up on reading and reviewing. It's like getting something for free, really. So, to get the formalities out of the way:

House Cup 2014 Review

Whoa, what on earth has happened to Albus? He's gone from being a rather doting boyfriend to suddenly being absentee daddy workaholic. My initial reaction is that I want Alexa to hand him a verbal beat-down. I might even go so far as to want Keiron to give him a physical beat-down. OK, I should probably calm down. We haven't even heard Albus's side of the story yet. It had better be good, though!

I love the way that the Healer has to bribe Isaac to get him to cooperate. I imagine he gets that from his mother's side. The Notts seem like people who don't proceed without first understanding what's in it for them. I don't ever recall a doctor visit when I was little where the doctor bribed me with a bag of candy, and now I'm feeling like I got totally gypped. I should have been less agreeable. The entire scene was really adorable, with Isaac mimicking the Healer's movements and expressions. As annoying as it must have been to everyone except Isaac, it would have been hard not to laugh.

There's a whole story behind them - not the color, why my family have them in the first place - but that's not important right now. -- OK, so this is probably the most leading sentence I've read today. I do hope there's a fun story that goes along with this. :)

From there, the sadness takes over. Why on earth is Albus being such an idiot? I'm sure he has his reasons, it's just hard to imagine that they'd be anything compelling. At least compelling enough to leave a six-year-old in this sort of state. I have two six-year-olds at home and I can't really imagine treating them like this. It's the highlight of my day when I get home and see them smile. Makes me wonder whether Albus has hit that phase of parenthood where he's feeling "trapped".

It's always a little bittersweet to see Arthur and Molly at this stage of their lives. Sweet because they've made it and they've obviously enjoyed a lot of happiness watching their grandchildren and great-grandchildren come into the world. Bitter because they're such lively, energetic people and time gradually steals that from you as you get older. I felt very sad for Molly, but I also commend you on the originality because it's nearly always Arthur who succumbs to Alzheimer's or some other form of dementia in fan fic stories.

OK, so I thought Albus was a huge jerk and then Hugo comes along. Wow. I remember him being this relatively innocent, sweet boy in the last story, finding his way as he sorted out his sexuality and whatnot. Now, he comes off like a mean, ungrateful jerk. What has happened to all of these people? Sam, what have you done??? :p

I liked the detail on the Notts' family business interests. That kind of detail always enhances my enjoyment of a story. It adds some context that keeps the plot out of the Friends zone, i.e. - how do these people afford this marvelous lifestyle with no visible means of support?

I saw a couple of small typos as I was reading:

And Casey, being a relatively good and patient healer even if he is crap at it anywhere else, is allowing it to continue until Isaac finally let's him do the examination. -- finally lets him

between us two and them, we control a lot of businesses all over the word -- all over the world

In closing, I hope that Keiron beat Hugo up after Alexa left and then went to look for Albus. Just kidding, but you need to smack some sense into these character straight away, OK? Looking forward to seeing how you do that!

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Review #75, by CambAngstHeart(less): Heart(less)

7th July 2014:
Hi, Roots! It's been forever since I've read and reviewed anything of yours, but today is special! I'm here for:

House Cup 2014 Review

You did a really amazing job of capturing Narcissa and Bellatrix. For Lucius, I thought maybe you were a bit too kind to him, but we can quibble over small things in characterization without detracting much from my enjoyment of the story. You know first-hand how much I liked a good writing of Narcissa, and this was definitely a good one.

From a young age, it seems that Narcissa has been dealing with her elder sister's bloodthirsty insanity. The contrast between Bellatrix's ghastly potions and Narcissa's dolls was stark.

Would this have been Lucius and Narcissa's first date? It reads like such a prim, proper pureblood affair. I feel like there should be chamber music in the background. ;) I liked the little thrill that she gets from putting her homework aside and giving in to romance.

Aww, she's going to miss him while she's away for her last year! Again, it was the small touches in this section that really brought it alive for me: the cup of tea, the emptiness of words versus long conversations, the way that he pulls her trunk and holds her hand.

It seems like she doesn't really understand what it means for Lucius to take the Dark Mark in the beginning. Her answer was rather flat and unconcerned. If she only knew...

Lucius was such a dutiful husband while she was giving birth to Draco! Well, mostly. It seems like things got a bit too intense for him from time to time. But he was there. I'll give him points for that.

The scene with Draco getting hurt on his toy brookstick was Narcissa at her best, at least in the way that I always think of her. A woman trapped between the roles of pureblood matriarch and mother. She manages to be both, not without some effort.

Her motherly qualities really shine after Cedric's death. No matter how different their situations might be, she can't think of Cedric without seeing Draco in his place. I remember reading something once along the lines of "every mother sees their own children in every child". Seems very appropriate to this situation.

Then things change dramatically for the worse. I've always felt like Narcissa's greatest strength came to light after Lucius was sent to Azkaban. Life tested her again and again, and she always managed to rise to the occasion.

I like that you did show the changes that Azkaban and the war brought to Lucius. They're perhaps a little deeper than I'd imagined, but very real nonetheless. At the end, when they're tearing through Hogwarts, desperately searching for their son, that captured the real strength you've given the two of them.

Your writing was great in this. I didn't see any typos or grammatical problems or anything else that detracted from the beauty of the piece. Great job! Can't wait to see you write some more of Pansy's story. :)

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