I'm just loving this story!
More than anything, it's original, while still being exactly what I would expect of the characters... which is a hard balance!
I noticed a minor typo near the beginning: "I was worried for what Lysander's visit would do to the vase" I think you mean "case"?
I'm starting to get a little confused with the whole Teddy talking to Harry/Ron/etc thing. If he's not actually divulging details of the case to them, shouldn't he be allowed to speak to them? In fact, wouldn't he prefer to find them in a public place and just say hi where everyone can confirm he isn't divulging information he shouldn't? Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't fully follow the reasoning for sneaking over the office and such.
Also, you stated his reason for going to visit was to ask some opinions... but he never did? I know he was rushed off to the courtroom, but it seemed like he should have still asked a few questions here and there about what to do about his spying.
Overall, I love this story though. The voice you have with Teddy is just perfect, and there's still funny moments (the purple hair) even in a serious chapter. It's expertly done! Report Review
Again, such an enjoyable chapter!
If you don't mind, I'd like to offer just a general suggestion on your dialogue writing. All the characters talk the same way, including Izzy, very well-worded sentences. It might help the believability and the flow a bit if you changed it up a bit more, gave each character a "voice" of their own. Make Izzy's words more simplistic, and I think the adults would change their words when talking to her. "Concise" for example might not be a word an eleven year old knows. I know you're trying to finish this for a challenge but maybe you could keep it in mind for your next story!
I really like how they took her to a Quidditch game, seems like something they would do, and a very fun experience for an eleven year old new to the magical world! I was a bit surprised though that Harry just let other people look for her when he lost Izzy. Your description at the end of how he worried about losing her was spot-on, but it would have been well supported by his action - maybe him rushing about the arena trying to find her while people tried to calm him down?
Can't wait to read the end!
~EAuthor's Response: Your first point is so valid - I was actually thinking it as I was writing, and yet didn't know what to do about it. Thank you so much for all the tips, I'll take them on board for the next thing!
And yes, I think I agree with you at the Harry point too. Thinking about the Harry from the books (especially the fourth; rescuing Gabrielle), he definitely wouldn't have sat around waiting for someone else to find her.
Thank you so much for all the helpful reviews and comments, I really appreciate them!
Megan xox Report Review
This is one of those stories I love reading just because it's so cute! Little Teddy and Izzy and all the excitement and wonder, it's fun.
I am a bit confused on the timing of all this and Teddy's age however. You say "4 years" that Ginny had known him, yet he seems to act a bit more like a 1-2 year old the way you describe him. Maybe just make it clear exactly how many years it has been since the war? It's not a huge deal to the story overall, but it helps to make things clear.
I love the little moment with the owl at the end. Definitely takes me back to Harry's first time in Diagon Alley and his present from Hagrid, it was just a very fitting and heart-warming moment!
~EAuthor's Response: Ah thank you! It's a bit of a fluffy story, haha.
Yes, I completely know what you mean - I think I was mixing things up in my head and just writing what was easiest and came first, haha, so I'll check this when I edit/change it all :-) Thank you for pointing it out!
And just what I was hoping for, thank you!
Megan xo Report Review
This is great!
You capture the excitement/confusion/wonder of an eleven year old very well, all those mixed emotions and not knowing what everything and being afraid and fascinated at the same time. Well done!
There were a few continuity errors in relation to the books, but I think Beeezie already pointed those out to you!
Another thought, just for general improvement: you did a great job of describing the Potter's home initially, but I'd love to keep seeing more of it. Just little side comments about some sort of peculiar magical object or just little odds and ends you'd only find in a wizard home. It might help flesh out the scene.
I loved Teddy! Just so cute to have that little guy around, great descriptions of him.
~EAuthor's Response: Thank you again! And yes, I've taken all of Beezie's comments into account and will look back at them when I edit. And fantastic idea about bringing back parts of the Potter household throughout, thinking about it now, I think that will really help the chapter to be fleshed out :-)
And that's great about Teddy - I was a bit worried about his character as I didn't know if it was - and to use the same phrase - fleshed out enough, so it's lovely know know that you enjoyed his being there! :P
Megan xo Report Review
I was interested in the concept of this challenge so I started reading a few. I really love what you've done! You've really captured a believable attitude of fear and confusion on the part of young Izzy... I know that's probably how I'd feel! I also really like how you portrayed Harry, there's a sense that he knows the muggle world well - but almost forgets about it.
One thing that threw me a bit was when Harry mentioned how Teddy's parents were killed. I don't think that would be something he'd just throw out when first meeting the mother of a child being sent into the wizarding world, it's rather scary! A war, people dying? Might scare them off. It seems like a more natural conversation might have just been "Oh, it's my godson" and waiting till later to explain things about the War. Just a thought!
I'm excited to keep reading and see how Izzy adjusts!
~EAuthor's Response: Wow, thank you very much for reviewing! Yes, I was trying to put myself in her position and how I'd feel if I were her, so I'm glad that came across well :P
And thank you - yes, I hadn't thought about that part of it. I have an explanation (a brief one) on the battle in a later chapter, and thinking about it, I completely agree with your reasoning. I need to go back and edit it soon, and I'll change it then.
Thanks again! Megan xo Report Review
I really loved the first half, for the same reasons I loved your other chapters! The whole concept of healing through the joys of new lives being born, building up strong friendships and family, it's all very beautiful and realistic.
I felt like the second half lacked a bit of your usual flair. It was good, there just wasn't the same description and depth I felt like you portrayed in a lot of other scenes. It seems like sometimes when you switch to dialogue you stop a lot of description, but your descriptions are so good and I want more of them!
This really is a fine chapter, but after reading your others I don't feel like it's quite the same. I'm only even saying this because I know from your three other chapters that you're definitely a very capable writer!
I'm eagerly awaiting the rest! I hope you enjoyed my spontaneous slew of reviews :)
~EAuthor's Response: Thanks once again for your review! I'm so glad that you're still enjoying the story and how I'm picturing their healing.
Hmmm... I will go back and look at the second part of the chapter. Thanks for your comments- I'm trying to make sure that every part of this story is as good as it can be. And thanks for the compliment!
I really did enjoy your spontaneous slew of reviews and I'm hoping that the rest of the chapters will be up soon. Report Review
This was just a spectacular chapter, the scenes of family life are spot on. Chaotic with multiple people in the room, touching with the scenes of family and grief. I found myself grinning over the depiction of Teddy, especially him imitating Harry!
I can't even find anything to critique! Well Done!
~EAuthor's Response: Thanks once again for your review! I'm so glad that you enjoyed this chapter, especially the scenes of family life, since those are an integral part of Arthur. Report Review
I absolutely adore your opening sentence! The whole paragraph in fact, the wording and description is just brilliant. Not too wordy, yet vivid and engaging. Brilliant.
The last sentence of that paragraph did throw me a bit though. Your side note about how he doubted Molly slept took me a couple reads. I'd suggest trying to split that sentence up, or maybe use some hyphenation rather than just commas? It just was hard to follow.
You portray some weighty, emotional and very personal issues in a great way! You're digging deep into how hard and complex something like this could be and it's great.
There were a few places throughout the story where I saw some word repetition like; "sleeping bodies turned over in their sleep." It's a fine sentence, but I find that using the same word so closely together can just read slightly awkward. even just saying "bodies turned over in their sleep" still says the same thing and feels a bit more natural, I think.
I loved the dialogue between ron and hermione, though I wish there had been a bit more description. What did Hermione's face look like as she said things? Stuff like that. Also, though I feel like the general theme of the words is very in character, the way they're phrased doesn't feel natural for the situation. Having (unfortunately) been around angry drunk people quite a few times, I can tell you the speech is often slurred and awkward, you did a great job with his almost irrational emotion, but maybe clip his sentences to be more simplistic. And I think Hermione is almost saying too much. In response to a drunk person I often find myself ranting with short sentences, similar sentiments to what she has to say, but not quite as coherent - it's hard to respond to a drunk person! These are just some pointers from personal experience and might not be universal, but I thought I'd offer them up.
"Arthur hated the fact that war took over your life and didn't you go until years after the last spell had been cast." This is just another great sentence! You've taken a very familiar sentiment from the real world and put it in wizarding terms, and it just works so well!
Also, I love the way you alternate between detailed scenes and some emotional reflection and really delving into character thoughts, it's a good mix.
~EAuthor's Response: Thanks once again for writing a very thoughtful (and long) review! I really appreciate it!
I'm so glad that you liked the opening sentence and I will keep your comments in mind when editing the story- I do agree that it is a little confusing and wordy. I will go back and fix those other sentences you mentioned- I do agree that they sound awkward.
As well, thanks for your opinion on drunk, angry Ron. I myself have not been around very many drunk people, or any drunk angry people so I didn't know quite how to portray Ron's actions. I will go back and "fix" his dialogue- I agree that shorter sentences would be more realistic.
I'm so glad that you're still enjoying the story and thanks once again for the lovely review! Report Review
Stumbled across this story and wanted to let you know I really like it so far! The deeply personal characterization of dealing with grief is very touching - it immediately draws the reader in and connects them with the character, makes them care and want to know more. Even though there's so little action or events it really sets the stage well for a story, reminds of what's happened, and how it must have felt. Beautiful!
I noticed you'd received various critiques on your intro with the "theirs" and what-not, and if you don't mind, I'd like to weigh in! I actually really liked it. I didn't know what you were talking about at first, but I enjoyed the experience of finding out, it grabbed me right away. I was thinking "who?" and guessing whether it was friends, spouses, specific family members... and felt myself sort it out as it drew to your explanation. However, I felt it might have been a bit long, and that could have contributed to the awkward feeling of it. Maybe less of the examples would have worked better? Just a thought.
Also, I was kinda thrown by "the weasleys might be considered a perfect family." I get what you're trying to say, but something in me wants a further explanation before you use the word "perfect." Maybe you could throw in a few sentences or phrases about how they operated that made them so unique? It's a weighty word, and feels like it needs a bit of explanation, even though we know them.
I really liked it though, I hope you don't mind my spontaneous long review, just wanted to leave some thoughts!
~EAuthor's Response: Hey! I'm so glad you like this story so far and no, I have no objections whatsoever to spontaneously long reviews! I'm so glad that you thought I characterized their grief well- it was something that's very important for the story.
Haha- yes, I have gotten many critiques on my use of "theirs" and I've changed it now to "their families"- the edit's in the queue. I made it the length that I did so that I could try and cover at least some of the many, many types of families out there.
I'll take into consideration your comment on the use of "perfect". I guess it is because we all know them so well that I didn't hesistate to call them "perfect". If I can work an explanation in there without disrupting the flow (in my opinion), I will.
Thanks once again for your opinions and for leaving a review! Report Review
I absolutely love the insight and depth you put into these characters! You do the scenes so well, touching on their emotions and deeper feelings in a way that feels very real and true to the books.Author's Response: thanks, that means a lot! Report Review
This is great!
I love the insight into Remus's character, the torment of life and the distraction, yet still somehow seeming to cope with it all. It suits what you'd see on the outside, but gives so much deeper meaning to what's probably always been going on beneath his tired demeanor.
I do wish we'd seen a bit more of what he was actually up to though! What is running around with the werewolves like? I suppose the focus is on his character and responses, so it isn't really necessary. But it seems like you could make a whole fic out of Remus's work. Just an idea ;)
Great work! I'm off to read the rest...Author's Response: thank you so much! Report Review
This makes me laugh so much! It's brilliant :)
There's so much guessing and wondering, I love it. It's a very clever and original way to do a romance, the fact there's a greater story going on with very important consequences make it that much more interesting. What gave you the idea?
One little thing I noticed: in the last chapter (5) when they were playing cards you said that they talked about her job as a curse breaker. But in the kitchen at the beginning of this chapter you brought it up like they hadn't yet discussed it. At least, that's the way it came across to me as the reader, and it confused me a bit!
Great story though, I can't wait to read more! :) Report Review
The voice in this story is amazing! Love love love it! Funny, fascinating, and the promise of romance... what more could someone ask for in a fan fiction?
I'm so excited to read the rest, great job! Report Review
Aww, this was adorable!
Kinda sad too, but so cute. Great job.Author's Response: Poor Ron, his lovely teddy bear. :3 I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thank you very much for taking the time to leave a review! Report Review
Wow! What a story!
I really enjoyed your ideas about the founding, very original. It all made sense in a way though too, I can almost believe that's how it really happened. Your descriptions and details were great, it was a very vivid read.
Wonderful work, I think I have to go read some of your other stories now! :) Report Review
This was just a phenomenal story! I loved the way you created a believable Severus while still skewing his character slightly from the books. And the whole thing was well written... this is the rare type of story I love to read that reminds me fan fiction is still worthwhile :)Author's Response: Thanks so much! I have to admit I have the same feelings about most fan fiction, and I mostly wrote this story for myself and not because I wanted to write fan fiction per se. This review really made my day (and believe me, having a sick teething baby...I really needed it!) I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I'm writing a sequel, but it could be years (again) until it's finished. Report Review
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