This story is full of excellent ideas that are interesting and had me coming back over and over to find out what happens. I enjoyed it. The grammar and syntax are good and the pace prevents it being boring. However, it has to be said that its style is too casual, it lacks depth of character, relationships, and location description. We rarely get inside anyone's head or feel their feelings to care very much. It reads like a really fascinating news report about a moon landing so has much interest but little art or finesse. Jason and eventually Harry were such perfect, all-powerful, Mary Sues that we know they would never do a thing wrong so we can't have any intense emotions, tension, fear, tears, or laughter. In fact all characters were so thinly expressed they were OOC. The interesting thing is that, despite all this, it is still worth a read - and a good one at that - but it can never be great unless a great author comes along and rewrites it. I wish this author had persisted to write more stories and so, perhaps, improve in his/her storytelling. Report Review
Poor old Ron! I thought his grades looked pretty good! Outstandings and Excellents and only a single 'poor' which in Divination is unavoidable I reckon. No wonder he feels low.Author's Response: Ron, always one to compare himself to others gets himself down... at least that's how I see it anyway. Sure Molly may have overreacted a bit but I took a page out of my own life there, less than honor roll worthy grades were unacceptable when I was growing up which wasn't a problem for me, I thought school was easy. But my sister only managed B's and C's with a few D's thrown in and though they were average, acceptable grades, she was constantly told she could do better and often compared to me, which actually strained our relationship quite a bit until we got older. In this story, I've really tried to tap into real emotions... sometimes I think I succeeded and sometimes I failed, but I was always going for realism, writing each POV as if I were that character in that moment and thinking, "how would I feel/react to this?" It'll be a rollercoaster ride for Ron and everyone else as you read on :) Report Review
There are a few strange anomalies at the start so I almost gave up but I persisted! Drive should never be abbreviated to Dr in a narrative. Few of us in the UK have air-conditioning (even 15 years later!) probably less than 1 in a 100. Nobody in the UK walks on the sloping, slate roof of this sort of house. It's dangerous and inaccessible without a ladder from outside. These houses are only two stories high plus loft space under the roof so Harry could not swing 'a few stories above the ground' - indeed, such a fall might be fatal. Yet Harry, who ought to be terrified, simply says (tiredly,) "Hi Dobby," as if he were out for a walk in the park. Anyway, maybe all the above would only amaze a Brit and overseas readers might not notice so they can be regarded as trivial.
I persisted because it's well-written, easy-reading, has good pace, and a promising storyline. As one or two reviewers have said, it's written in a similar style to JKR so that's not only tried and tested but it fits Harry Potter-type stories. I aim for the same style in my own fics - though far from perfect!Author's Response: Yes, you've uncovered my secret, I'm American :) I do try to think like a Brit while writing this, but it's difficult as I've never been to any other countries except Canada and Mexico and therefore recieve all my culture through media which is not always true to life. All I can say on those points is sorry, I gave it my best shot. I had no idea about air conditioning over there, it just worked with my story and figuring Dursley was the type to always want/have the latest and best they'd have one. As to the roof, it also simply worked for the storytelling... I have no other explanation so I guess I'd ask that you just suspend reality with me there :) As to Harry's lack of terror... that was a character choice on my part... I figure he's been through so much at this point, dangling from his broom from much higher in the air, his more logical side would kick in for a smaller scare like that.
I'm glad you persisted and hope the story continues to capture your attention though I understand that everyone likes different things. Thank you for the compliments on my writing, it is what I'm trying to do for a living. I realize there are several typos and misspellings in these chapters, hopefully they aren't too distracting and someday I'll have the time to go through and fix them all...
I'll have to check out your stories in my ever dwindling downtime. Again thanks for reading and leaving your thoughts, I truly appreciate it! Report Review
Nice attempt but hugely disjointed content and the massive gaps and separators are weird. No stories are ever written this way. Kill the gaps and use discrete scene separators. Then merge some relevant scenes and enlarge them. A single paragraph per page totally destroys the flow. Search for English grammar tutorials and see how dialogue should be done (or look in any novel!)
The actual story and writing has potential - just needs reforming so it's more readable. Report Review
Intriguing start. Poor Luna - Harry discards her out of hand. Poor Hermione - she needs Harry's help but he's off after Malfoy. Poor Ginny - she really wants Harry but he's nothing doing. That Harry Potter needs a good talking to!Author's Response: hahahahaha I know, right? Unfortunately, I can't force him to do something, he's so shy! ;) Report Review
Good theme - we don't hear enough about Ginny in the book - especially towards the end - so this fills it in. Report Review
Good reading. Believable that it would not be easy to find a wizard's quarter - especially when you don't want to ask anyone. I was distracted by real life disturbances though so broke my immersion. Damn. I ploughed on and finished in a mood as black as Snape's.
The expression 'fat chance' struck me as funny. I recently uploaded a short story on another site then too late realized I'd used that expression about three times - probably from two different people. No matter.
I've lost track of Snape's relationship to Lucius. Was he annoyed the 15 years in Azkaban was too long or too short? I suspect long. I ought to look back. Maybe he did a deal and Malfoy was relying on Snape's testimony? I've read so many fics I get them mixed up.
Will await the next chapter. When I say wait I don't mean I'm actually going to stay here and wait. I'm going to do some other stuff.Author's Response: Thank you! Too bad you were being bothered. I hate it when things interrupt me while I'm reading.
It's ridiculously easy to repeat yourself while writing! Even after proofreading several times, I always run into repetitions I have to clean up. For me, it's often the word really. I really like use the word really and I really use it a lot.
I'm with you, It's hard to remember the context and characters after reading several different fics in a row. In short, Snape is upset at how long Lucius' sentence is. I didn't go into the reasons in this chapter, but I will be giving some more information on that later.
Thank you very much for your review!
Mottsnave Report Review
I was completely drawn in. Very powerful. Report Review
First 3 chapters makes for very good reading and fascinating to see how you imagined Book 7. It feels much like the original fiction style which I like. Thanks for this. :) I'll carry on reading over the next few days/weeks. Report Review
Wow times six. Ron's visit was the most powerful for me - just agony. Then the two twists at the end - Harry sitting there. Wha? He's gone into hiding? He's wearing his invisibility cloak? Then you realize. Truly amazing. Report Review
OK, I'm kinda into this now. It's good. Well written. But happening in a void and without interaction with others and dialogue it's a desolate, lonely void without a direction. Yes, that's where Snape is right now but is it good fiction? Don't know. The last chapter (5) name sums it up. I'm trying not to ask is this going somewhere. Then I see it's a prequel so presumably that's where it's going.
The fact is I've now read five chapters so it's interesting enough but I'm hoping for more. I do like survival fiction and I do like it when the hero has a brain and does reasonable things so that's what's keeping me going so far but I think I really need a target. Somehow I don't think a chapter on Snape working sweeping up in bar is going to be enough no matter how well written. We'll see.Author's Response: Hello,
Fair enough. One person's slow build of suspense is another person's dead boredom, so the pace of this story might not be for you. There is a mystery plot... but it will be introduced slowly, and there will be more of Snape's day-to-day survival as it develops. Hopefully there will be enough to hook you, but if not, I understand. You can't say I didn't warn you though, my note at the end of chapter one said right out that this will be slow moving. ;)
That said... if you like the overall idea of a survival story with a mystery thrown in, allow me to toot my own horn and recommend the sequel to this story, The Clear Cut. It is completely posted, and it stands alone, so it doesn't matter if you jump to that now, and the plot is much faster moving. It's also fully illustrated, so you can just check out the pretty pictures if you want.
Thank you again for your reviews, and for giving my story a chance, even if it's not exactly to your taste. I really appreciate it.
Mottsnave Report Review
Hooray - good, original artwork instead of the poorly laid out, copy and paste teen romance stuff all out of the same mould. This is the only reason I'm reading this - to look at the chapter art.
Hang on, story's not bad so far and well-written - though I don't usually like 1st person Potter fics. Oh well, guess I'll bookmark it and carry on to chapter 2 later. It's only so I can see the art you understand? I'm not going to enjoy the story. I know I'm not. Probably. But I'll just read one more chapter anyway... ;)Author's Response: Hello!
I'm an artist first and a writer second... who's just been messing around with stories for the past couple of years to see if I could write at all.
I actually started posting my stories on another site first, and only started posting here as well because ffnet doesn't allow images.
It's been great fun to try to come up with the perfect images to encapsulate a chapter without giving too much away. I'm glad you're enjoying the pictures.
I hope that you continue to not enjoy the story as you look at the pictures! ;)
Thank you for giving it a chance, and for your review!
Mottsnave Report Review
Brilliant. Stays with original fiction. Believable. I also like the idea that Luna would not believe it as that fits something she refuses to accept in my own story. Excellent Work.Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate it. I'm especially glad you liked the bit about Luna. She's one of my favorite characters, but also one of the ones that I find hardest to write. Thanks again! Report Review
Excellent. Feels like part of the original fiction.Author's Response: Thank you for the wonderful compliment. I'm so glad you enjoyed this. Thanks for reading! Report Review
This was very moving for me. It reminded me a little of Mrs. Ryan in Saving Private Ryan. To lose another child would just be one too many. Report Review
A good attempt to get inside Luna's head but she does seem somewhat distant even from her mother. So I don't feel the full depth of that relationship that I expected. Still a very interesting new viewpoint. Luna doesn't seem to be too lonely - but she does seem to be alone and maybe that captures the character in a way.
It's good to include the start of Hogwarts. That gives us an anchor to relate the rest of it to. Otherwise that would be in a void. There is new promise and a new life - and a new adventure. Yes, in the end I think I like it. Report Review
Excellent and a good place to finish. I always thought it immensely poignant in the book and even more in the movie when their memories are wiped - almost like Hermione's dead only worse.
Nicely fits the prompt theme and we get a good insight into Mrs. Granger's thinking. It helps a lot that the story is anchored in a character we all know well - Hermione. It's also intriguing in that it makes us think just how much Hermione would want to tell her muggle parents. I never thought about that before.
A minor technical flaw that broke my immersion was when McGonagall was at the door. To see 'an older witch' implies Mrs. Granger is familiar with witches and the magical world (plus older than who? - elderly or old witch is better.) Much more correct would have been eg, a strange old woman dressed like a fairytale witch.
Good story from another viewpoint. Enjoyable. Report Review
This is a new twist: a Death Eater with a heart. Definitely fits the prompt theme. Little is known of Nott so it could well be true within the Potter universe. Rather too unsubtle and over the top with the 'perfect', 'gorgeous' sister and the 'biggest hug in the world' but the story kind of works. Nice idea though tragic. I wanted a happy ending but it's likely Nott ended up in Azkaban after the Battle of Hogwarts. At least there were no Dementors anymore. Report Review
Some rough edges in the grammar and choice of words, typos etc but it's a good, likeable story. I particularly liked the idea of being able to do magic in front of the dog without problems - the dog just accepts it whereas muggles are suspicious. That's a real friend and that fits the prompt theme nicely. Report Review
Well written. Interesting. Believable. Depressing. Certainly fits the prompt theme. Like several of these short stories I think it would have been better as part of a bigger story eg, Drama. Humour. Warmth. Immersion in the characters' lives leading to tragedy then this chapter. Report Review
Nicely written but became indulgent towards the end. I guess it seemed accelerated because it's just one chapter. Not really my type of story so I'm not the best judge but I enjoyed most of it reasonably well. Gryffindors eh? I used to like 'em but not any more. Report Review
Well written, interesting, but not satisfying for me. Feels incomplete in one chapter and needed more perhaps. It gives a different spin but not everything is explained (unless I missed something.) Report Review
Not bad at all. Not a very appealing main character yet the story held my interest and I quite enjoyed it. Good riddle and I failed it so that's me out of Ravenclaw I guess. Luna was well done so made up for the selfish soandso and maybe she'll reform him. Report Review
I'm neutral on this one. It's well written but I've never read any teen pregnancy stories amongst the Harry Potter fanfics so I don't know if it gives a fresh spin or not. The other problem for me is that I don't know these characters. I had to go and search to find who they were so I couldn't emphasise with these strangers. If this chapter had been in the middle of a bigger story I was enjoying then yes, probably would have worked better for me. Report Review
A good story idea but hard to fit in one chapter so the ending is too sudden and lacked depth and believability. It becomes too fairytale sweet when it could have been much more. This would work better with 3 chapters or more with Hermione breaking it to her friends more gradually over months instead of minutes and more detail and description of their feelings and how the transition to a new life would be made. Ron, Harry, Hermione, the entire Weasley and Granger families, should all be agonizing over this for a long time before they could adjust and accept the loss of the ones they care about.
It definitely fulfils the prompt theme but probably too ambitious an idea to squeeze into one chapter. I enjoyed the first 4/5ths though thanks. Report Review
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