Reading Reviews From Member: BlueNeutrino
  
7 Reviews Found

Review #1, by BlueNeutrinoSquibbed: Squibbed

7th August 2012:
Aww. That was both sad and sweet. It's nice to read a story that takes a sympathetic attitude towards Filch, and I particularly like his reasons for naming her "Mrs. Norris" after one of the very few people who was nice to him. It's also very well written and I'm glad you told me you wrote this :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much!! :D I really enjoyed writing this story!! I really wanted to portray a different side to Filch! Thanks again for reviewing and well done on your story!!

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Review #2, by BlueNeutrinoThe Messenger: First look

16th September 2011:
Interesting development there. I'm curious as to how things progress between Bella and Draco.

Just a couple of points - make sure you're spelling her name right. It's 'Lestrange' not 'La Strange'. Also, Bellatrix was sent to Azkaban a couple of months after Voldemort's downfall, not before. Specifically, she tortured the Longbottoms because she believed they knew what had happened to Voldemort, and that is how she got caught.

I'm fascinated by your portrayal of Harry's attitude towards Isabella and also towards the Slytherins in general. You really show a Gryffindor bias against them, but I'm curious as to how that might change as Isabella gets to know Draco better.

Again, I'm finding the use of the second person unusual but not off-putting. Good job with managing to pull it off, and keep going.

Author's Response: Thank you for reading! When i wrote this there were only a few mentions of lestrange. At that point I didnt know much about her except that she was in askaban. I was...curious about her i guess. I'm not really going off the books or movies with this story, so dont be surprised of there are ALOT of differences. I really do apreciate all the info though. All in all Thank you for reviewing it really means alot and boosts my confidence and makes me want to post another chapter!!

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Review #3, by BlueNeutrinoA New Life a New Me: Answers

15th September 2011:
First things first, your spelling and punctuation need sorting. This story is littered with errors. Most word processors have a spell check function, and please make sure you use it and proof read each chapter before uploading.

Avoid writing sentences entirely in capital letters as it looks messy on the page. Instead, use an exclamation point to show if somebody is shouting.

Also, please make sure you use proper prose. There are times in this when you almost start writing in script format, not properly setting the scene or describing the action. It can be a bit frustrating to read as it's difficult to picture what's going on.

There are a few more issues I'd like to address - 'Hermione' does not shorten to 'Mia'. Granted, it will shorten to 'Mione' but there are plenty of indications in the books that Hermione likes to be addressed by her full name (eg. when she's trying to get Krum to pronounce it right). There is also no need for the glamour spell. In particular, the purple eyes are a bad idea as nobody has purple eyes naturally. It's basically taking the character Hermione from the books and making her completely unrecognisable. You're perfectly entitled to make this AU and alter canon slightly, but Mia is just so different from canon Hermione that she may as well be an OC. The way Harry and Ron are sidelined in favour of the new friends you've introduced also suggest this would work better with an OC. This story would be greatly improved if you were in fact writing about your own original character who discovers she is Snape's daughter.

What's more, I'm struggling to believe Snape would ever have children since he's so infatuated with Lily and wouldn't want kids with anyone else. And if he did have kids, he certainly wouldn't name one of them James. Snape hated James Potter - the man who bullied him relentlessly at Hogwarts - and he wouldn't name his son after him.

Snape's characterisation is also off. He isn't the warm, fatherly type. He is cold and emotionally distant. The way he talks and acts around Mia/Hermione isn't characteristic of canon Snape at all. Again, this story would be improved if your version of Snape were in fact an OC.

Sorry to be so harsh, but I do think this story would be better off if you were writing about original characters. The characters you say are canon really don't feel like they are at all, and would require a complete overhaul of everything you've written to change that. If you wish to continue writing them the way you are doing then that's up to you, but I don't think it's true to the books.

Other than that, I hope the other points I made were of help to you and good luck with your future writing.

Author's Response: I know there are flaws, I'm not the best editor, I just entered 7th grade and don't have other people to edit the stories.

Mia is not a shortened version of Hermione, Hermione is no longer her name she found out it's actually Mia Jade Snape. I didn't notice the James part until you mentioned it. James and Justin were named after two of my brother's friends. Now I feel stupid for not noticing the connection.

I know that they are not exactly like the actual characters, the reason being it's a fan fiction, not the actual books. I'm sorry if this disappoints you but you have to understand I'm not J.K. Rowling. I'm surprised you mentioned nothing about Voldemort, he's what most people have a problem with.

I'm sorry if you think that I wasn't able to set the stage well. I was just beginning 6th grade when I wrote these chapters, it's been a year I've definitely grown as a writer.

I will continue writing this story soon as it is, but I will also write my other stories the way they fit me better. So I suggest if you don't like this story then try reading my other story that's been started. If you don't like that one then you should check out my friends' accounts, they stay truer to the books than I do, so you might like them. XxJinxxedxX is one of the ones you might like then there is also karatechic76 you might like her as well.

I hope I helped at least a bit. Also I know there are a few "plot holes" in the story but they are actually just loose ends to be tied up at the end.

Alright, bye and thanks for reading/ reviewing. :)


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Review #4, by BlueNeutrinoThe Promise: Prologue and chapter 1

24th August 2011:
I really like this. The prologue is very intriguing and I'm interested to find out what all that's about. You've definitely made me want to read on.

It's well written, and I think Ginny's attitude towards Harry was very realistic. Although I do want them to get back together, it makes sense for her to be mad at him after everything he's put her through. I also thought Luna's characterisation was very good.

Just one thing - you need to have some kind of punctuation before ending quote marks. It doesn't look right if you don't, but that's only a minor issue because this is a very good story.

Really strong start, keep going.

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing and for your comment, I get what you mean about the punctuation and I'll see if I can correct that in future chapters!

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Review #5, by BlueNeutrinoSeverus Snape and the Chocolate Frog Cards: Severus Snape and the Chocolate Frog Cards

24th August 2011:
I got really lucky with the random story button on this one. That was hilarious! Thanks so much for writing it.

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Review #6, by BlueNeutrinoLoony: Loony

1st August 2011:
I loved this. Although I did want Neville and Luna to end up together, I think it does make sense that she didn't end up marrying him. This was beautifully written and made me feel rather sorry for Neville, but at the same time I'm quite happy that Luna will be happy with Rolf and Neville will settle down with Hannah. Great work!

Author's Response: Thank you! I always wanted Neville and Luna to end up with each other, but JKR said they don't so I respect that. But I DO still like to imagine them having a little something in school or at least feeling for each other at some point.

~TFM


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Review #7, by BlueNeutrinoLight V.S. Dark: Hot Topic: In The Begining

1st August 2011:
I'm struggling to buy into this story somewhat. The first thing that threw me off was when I read the first paragraph to find Draco and Blaise using phrases like "Yo, dude." It just doesn't fit at all with the Harry Potter universe, and doesn't fit well with English culture in general. Not to mention that Draco is practically a member of the aristocracy in the Wizarding World, and I find it hard to imagine him behaving like anything but a conceited toffee-nosed snob.

And then there is Hermione. Hermione in particular would not talk this way, but I find your overall characterisation of her to bear no resemblance to Hermione in the books. Hermione would NEVER have a house elf. Ever. In the books she is very strongly against them being used as servants in any way, which makes her having Twinkle very unbelievable. Also, she is not a goth/emo and there is no way she would ever be in a metal band. It would require a total overhaul of her character to get her to behave this way, and although you do seem to have changed her character completely I find the reason for it a bit odd.

The Dracula explanation is not impossible, but a little implausible and sloppily executed. Why is Hermione the only vampire who doesn't need to feed on human blood? Why was it necessary for her physical appearance to change? How has she become ten times more powerful than Voldemort and why is no-one making a big deal over this? Why does she suddenly start referring to her parents as John and Jane even though she's known them as Mum and Dad her whole life? This all needs explaining more thoroughly.

A few other points:
-Hot Topic does not exist in England and there wouldn't be one in Hogsmeade.
-'Hermione' doesn't shorten to 'Mia'. A more plausible nickname would be 'Mione', but it's indicated in the books that Hermione likes people to use her full name, such as when she tries to get Krum to say it properly and doesn't like Grawp calling her 'Hermy'.
-The bandmate called Molly is confusing as in HP fanfiction most people associate 'Molly' with Molly Weasley.

I do think a 'Hermione-is-adopted' storyline has the potential to be interesting, but this needs work in the way you pull it off. There's too much of it that seems a little pointless, like Hermione's special powers, and also the way the characters talk and act seems too much like an American teen drama. It just doesn't really feel like these are actually the characters from the books.

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