Reading Reviews From Member: tangledconstellations
  
236 Reviews Found

Review #1, by tangledconstellationsTraining: Training

24th March 2015:
Heya Kayla!

This one-shot was just absolutely adorable ♥

I think I love drunk-Sirius. I can absolutely relate to Lily because whenever my friends get too drunk, no matter how inebriated I am myself I absolutely turn into the mum and try my best to be super rational haha. Lily is such a good mum. I love reading fics where she's just absolutely doing her thing and being awesome and looking after everyone. It's so nice. She's so nice!

I really liked how you sort of split this into three parts and had the encounters with Sirius mirroring later parts with naughty Harry. Naughty Harry is honestly the cutest thing, you wrote him so well! I love that here he gets a chance to mess around and to scream and stuff, because as soon as he's with the Dursley's I doubt they were half as patient as Lily and James. Having the one-shot split in this way made it really enjoyable to read - I was like, how will Sirius drunk-vomming be incorporated into the Harry part? - wait - oh - baby-vomming. Hehe :P

Your writing is really great too, it's perfect for the tone of this piece. You're to the point, focusing on the characters which is really important, but you're subtly hilarious too. I died: "Sirius placed a hand on James' cheek tenderly. "Hey," he said softly." I can so imagine him doing this, just being so inappropriate and James just being like, ugh, c'mon! :D It's so funny. And there were so many moments when Sirius was just being cute and it was like...I just wanna wrap him up in a bundle haha. I love that around James, because they're BFF's times a million, he can just be such a laze and such a kid. It's so lovely to read.

But yeah, I loved this! I thought it was awesome! Did you enjoy writing it? It's the kind of piece that would have me constantly giggling when writing it hehe. I am definitely going to read more of your stuff soon! :D

Laura xxx

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Review #2, by tangledconstellationsA Jealous Heart: A Jealous Heart

19th March 2015:
Heya,

I'm reviewing for the HPFF fundraiser on the forums :)

So, I decided to read this because I've been trying to read a lot more canon and trio-oriented stories, and I thought this was really cool! Once I realised it was central to GOF I was so in to it and in a way I wish it was a bit more than a one shot! I've always wondered about the Goblet of Fire from Ron's point of view, because his and Harry's fall-out is so dramatic and I wish I could see into Ron's head too!

But then, the twist at the end - poor Ron! I hope Harry and Hermione weren't *really* looking at each other like that, but I can totally understand why Ron would get upset over something like that. Especially as he's already feeling so pushed out and small. But - he's sort of starting to understand he loves her, right?! :D which is the silver lining! Even though I wonder whether he would admit that to himself at all at this point...

I do just get the feeling that this needs to be carried on a little bit more. Not just because I want it to (but I do want it to, hehe!) but because it feels as though Ron's feelings need to be wrapped up a little bit more. I don't know. What do you think? Haha!

But other than that, this was really great. It's refreshing to be in Ron's head for a while! :D

Laura xxx

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Review #3, by tangledconstellationsSnitch: Prologue

19th March 2015:
Hey there!

I'm reviewing for the HPFF fundraiser over on the forums :)

I thought this was really great. It's so sweeping and romantic, it captured my imagination so much. I love that Rose describes him simply as Him, as though he's a wondrous great figure, an almost godlike lover. It's so dramatic, but it works so well within this context. Your writing is beautiful, too. There's a real sense of movement within this piece, of things floating and whooshing gently, as the scenes do, from one to the next.

The poem was really beautiful and the way you gradually built up to it in this chapter was nicely done. Even though this chapter was quite short, what you've set up is definitely intriguing. I want to know why their relationship apparently failed, why there's so much tension between Scorpius and James, why he seemed annoyed at Rose on the Quidditch pitch...so many questions! But because you've so gracefully just *touched* upon them they are literally mysteries to me at this point, and I just want to unravel them!

Hopefully the second chapter will be available to read soon, because I would love to see where you're taking this. :) sorry this wasn't overly constructive!

Laura xxx

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Review #4, by tangledconstellationsScars: Falling Apart

19th March 2015:
Hey there,

I'm reviewing for the HPFF fundraiser over on the forums :)

You've really got me interested in this story with just this quite short introduction. I'm so curious about Hermione's torturing - I think it's because she's normally such a strong character it's heartbreaking and sort of inconceivable that she would be so majorly affected by it. It makes sense that she would be though, because it's such a horrible thing to have happened to her.

Once she's woken up from her nightmare its absolutely clear that she's not okay. You've made that really clear from your writing, and I think the last line in particular is great. It really packs a punch. I don't think we've ever really seen Hermione in a moment of weakness, and having you show it to us like this here just makes me want to find out whether she'll get out of it all okay. While short, this first chapter was certainly gripping, and it'll be great to see where you're going to take this story once you've updated :)

Laura xxx

Author's Response: Hello, it's great that people seem to be enjoying this story so far, even though it's quite short.

My original idea had been to have the standard, Draco comforting Hermione after she had a nightmare and having them randomly fall in love but I definitely have a different approach in mind now.

I was even wondering about throwing some Harry/Hermione action in there...

Thank you for leaving such a nice review, it really made my day :)


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Review #5, by tangledconstellationsBack to Black: Epilogue: Time Turner

19th March 2015:
Hey there!

I'm reviewing for the HPFF fundraiser over on the forums :)

I absolutely love this idea, it's so cool! It's something I wish would happen to me and I relate to your character too much. I am forever listening to the HP soundtrack and totally zoning out! Just wish a magical time turner would appear next to me _ *is jealous*

While we don't know much about your protagonist as of yet, I'm keen to learn more about them in the next chapter. I like the idea of this parcel appearing just when real life is being pretty mean, what with the horrible father. It's like escapism, but absolutely real. I'm sure we'll learn more about your characters past, and I hope during this story they'll learn lessons they can take back with them to make real life not so bad. I like that you've started this chapter with the 'ordinary' - now, on to the magic!

Great stuff, and good luck writing the rest of it! :)

Laura xxx

Author's Response: Thanks for your review. I really appreciate the time you took for my story, even if it was for the fundraiser! It's interesting that we all think we have a special relationship to HP, when in reality this feeling is pretty relatable. I hope you keep on with the story...it'll be a party. I'm trying my best with getting the magic going hahah

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Review #6, by tangledconstellationsStained Glass: Chapter 2

19th March 2015:
Hey,

I'm reviewing for the HPFF fundraiser again :)

This chapter was absolutely gorgeous and added so much more to the one you've already posted. You've managed to create such a lovely, gentle tone here, perhaps because of Luna's calming effect, so much so that Draco's attempts to be offish and sharp are foolish and fail. It seems just right that he can't maintain his hostility when faced with her.

There are a couple of moments where in your narrative you falter and seem to ask the reader something, like here: 'and she sounds wondering?' I thought this worked really well as it really puts the reader in Draco's shoes, how suddenly who he is and who he's trying to be crumbles slightly. Like he's forgotten his lines, what to do next. It's really effective and really lovely.

The magnetism between the two of them is incredible, too. I've never read a Draco/Luna story, and have always been a little unsure as to how exactly they'd work together. But I can see here, so clearly, how exactly they would work together. Luna absolutely neutralises Draco and gives him the comfort and the kindness that he so desperately needs and craves. And, because it's what he needs he's sort of unintentionally giving her the time to observe him and for her to see the good in someone and for it to be really valued. The way you've written them, the timing of this chapter, is pretty much flawless. It's such a pleasure to read, honestly. The way the two of them are coming together here, how Draco's fascinated by Luna's non judgmental eyes, it's really special.

I've really enjoyed reading this so far and I can't wait until you update :)

Laura xxx

Author's Response: Thank you! I like the way you put it, that it's as though he's forgotten his lines. It's absolutely right: he's spent his whole life building up this facade of being the perfect pure-blood, acting his lines to perfection. But then underneath he's so vulnerable and afraid, and he can't do all the awful things that are expected of him.
Yes, she does 'neutralise' him. :) I think they fit each others' personalities so well, not because they're the same, but because they're different.


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Review #7, by tangledconstellationsStained Glass: Chapter 1

19th March 2015:
Heya,

I'm reviewing in support of the HPFF fundraiser :)

This was such a beautiful opening to your short story. Draco during the second war is so interesting and you've managed to delve into his mind in this first chapter, to try and untangle his mess of mixed feelings, of family loyalty, of hatred, fear and of curiosity, the one that Luna instilled in him. It was gorgeous to read. The images you've conjured up are beautiful. The final one, of the candle flickering in the breeze that he can't quite protect - that one was my favourite.

I really loved the way he sees Luna too, the fact that he knows her when he first sees her but he's trying so hard not to suggest that he might care about her a little, because after all she's just a student like him and her being there would remind him of who he's been the previous six years at Hogwarts. I liked that you focused on her eyes. I could pictre them so clearly, so wide in the darkness. I liked that they were grey - a sort of non committal colour, and that you didn't go too over the top when describing them. I think it would have been out of character for Draco to think too much about her eyes, but just enough for them to affect him. It gave me the impression that he was paranoid of her judging him, though of course I don't think Luna would do that. But that alone just heightens the state of mind that Draco is in here, feeling as though maybe he is doing wrong after all.

Narcissa going to the chapel is such a intriguing thing to mention, too. She's such a strong woman - obviously she can't speak out against all that is going on around her because she's had a hand in it too, but it's clear that she regrets some of it. I love that you've included this element to the story, and I also love that it's his mother that Draco follows after, as though she is the one giving him some sort of moral guidance, not his father, like it was earlier on in the books.

This was a really wonderful start and it was lovely to read. Thank you for sharing this!

Laura xxx

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I really wanted to take it slowly, keep it realistic, and I'm so glad it worked for you. :)

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Review #8, by tangledconstellationsThe Alpha Letters: Meeting the Letter Writer

19th March 2015:
Heyy,

I'm reviewing for the HPFF fundraiser! :)

What? No!! This is the last chapter? But I am soo hooked! I'm going to be that reader and say: update soon update soon!!

If he wasn't an absolute psycho, this werewolf guy sounds kinda dishy. I'm really glad we got a chance to see the sketch because it makes him seem that much more intimidating (and handsome, am I right?) being able to now visualise him whenever you mention him. It sort of makes the thread suddenly a lot more real. His second letter, oh my gosh. I love the tone you adopt to write it, sort of condescending, really dominant and very unstable. It's so cool and so convincing. The way the letters are signed off too, with just 'Me' - it's so freaky, as though Rose should know who he is already. So cool!

Something I really liked about this chapter (and in fact all of them) is your attention to detail. For example, the brief flicker of annoyance that Holly has when she realises Scorpius slept in the hospital wing with Rose. It's such a subtle thing, something that you do flag up but doesn't come up again, but it works really well. It's exactly what would happen in real life to a close group of friends. Undoubtedly there would be some jealousy. It just makes me wonder even more about Rose and Scorpius' relationship, whether it's going to develop any more and become something even more special, and if so, what that will do to their close bond as friends. Ugh, I don't think I can wait until you upload again! I am so excited!

But so far this has been such a successful and enjoyable story. I'm so glad I've had the chance to read this and I hope you keep writing it! It's such a cool idea and you've most definitely pulled it off!

I really do hope you update soon!

Laura xxx ♥

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Review #9, by tangledconstellationsThe Alpha Letters: Another Letter

19th March 2015:
Heyy

I'm reviewing for the HPFF fundraiser!

Gah, all of the feels right now ♥ ♥ ♥ It was so nice to have Scorpius and Rose have some real closeness. They're so perfect, I love them both so much. Scorpius is so loyal and caring, I think I'm in love with him. I love that even though he wanted to stay until she snoozed, she fell asleep too. It's like they were both waiting for the other to drift off, despite Rose being super tired herself. And Holly, again, is just an absolute darling. It's so great to read a story where the main characters are just genuinely nice people. It's restoring my faith in humanity! And what makes them even more special is that it's just the little things. Like, you've never outright had Rose say 'Scorpius would do anything for me' or 'Holly cares for me so much', you've just shown it so well and we know they do and would. The proof, as they say, is in the pudding.

The whole thing with the werewolf guy is so intense. Stalking honestly terrifies me, so I am feeling a lot for Rose right now. It makes me feel better that they have got Auror's on the case but that said it's still scary. If he's gone this long without being found for his other crimes whilst following Rose all of her life, he must be so dangerous. And, even though Rose is trying so hard to keep it cool (mainly because of the Calming Solution, hehe) it's clear that internally her body is outright (and for good reason) freaking out. As someone that gets social anxiety when I'm feeling low I really sympathise with Rose. Also, I think it's so important that you haven't written her panic attacks as a weakness or so that she's a 'victim'. Mental health stigma is something that I absolutely despise and so having Rose as suffering but coping (as well as having her family cope with it too) is really important, I think.

I loved this chapter. See you at the end of the next one!

Laura xxx

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Review #10, by tangledconstellationsThe Alpha Letters: Back to Normal

19th March 2015:
Hi!

Reviewing for the HPFF fundraiser!

Ah, this chapter was so awesome! It felt so much quicker than the last and again I love that you're got such a big cast of characters to use. It makes it so great to read! Also, I feel as though with each chapter your writing is getting better and better - or maybe it's because you're gradually building up more of a picture as the chapters go one - I'm not sure which. But either way, this one felt really well written and it had a really good rhythm to it too.

I absolutely adore Holly. She is such a good friend and it's so lovely to have someone like that in Rose's life. "I love fighting with you." - I love this line, its so special to the two of them and encapsulates the friendship that they have. I feel like I haven't seen Scorpius in forever, but I'm sure he'll make himself known in the next chapter (hopefully!) :P I am actually really excited to see their reaction about the sender of the letter...

AND, speaking of the letter! I was not expecting this dude to come along! It's such a cool idea, it suddenly makes this story so much bigger than just a sort of teenage drama. It brings in a lot more of the wizarding world and adds an element of danger. That said, I am pretty scared for Rose. Why her, indeed? I'm excited to see how you're going to develop this, whether the guy writing to her is the epitome of evil or if he's just misguided, or crazy, or...! The pace has definitely picked up and I'm so keen to read on!

Laura xxx

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Review #11, by tangledconstellationsThe Alpha Letters: The Letter Brigade

19th March 2015:
Hey again,

Reviewing for the HPFF fundraiser. :)

Another great chapter with an interesting variety of characters. I really like how you're constantly keeping things fresh for Rose and shaping up who it is that she's communicating with in different chapters. It stops its from becoming too repetitive. Although I sort of wish at the end of this chapter there was something like a cliffhanger at the end, or a hint of something to make me read on. At the end of this chapter the motivating factor for me wanting to read on is to see what's found out about the letter, although that was right at the beginning of the chapter. But really, this chapter comes to quite a neat and tidy end with Rose sleeping and no hints at something looming on the horizon. While it does work in the grand scheme of things, as it's contrasted with the last chapter ending with them going to the Headmasters office, maybe a slight rewording of the last few lines would keep the tension running high, even if it was a throwaway line. It would just keep the interest maintained. Hope this made sense!

I like that while this letter mystery is going on you're addressing really important themes such as body image and sexuality. It's not done in a super obvious way too so they all crop up very naturally. You've dealt with them really maturely as well, without bias and in a way that does further character development, instead of chucking them in for the sake of it. I really liked that Dom is interested in how people really really feel. It gives us a reason to get to the bottom of how Rose is feeling too. Just another little something, about the conversation with Dom (and the firewhisky tea!): it felt super direct and to-the-point, not neccessarily a bad thing as it was written really well, but it was sort of going over things we've only just seen in the previous chapters. I think in this moment in particular where its two girls having a heart to heart it would have been okay if you had wanted to stray a bit 'off topic' and to mention other things that might come up later, things to stoke our interest in the world you're writing within. Even if they're just random anecdotes, or if you're just providing more exposition about their relationship. It just seems like the perfect opportunity for your characters to 'open up' so I think adding even more information here would use that moment to its maximum potential.

I've tried to be a bit more constructive in this one, but to be honest I really enjoyed this chapter too!

Laura xxx

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Review #12, by tangledconstellationsThe Alpha Letters: Beginnings

19th March 2015:
Heya,

I'm reviewing for the HPFF fundraiser. :)

Oh man, I thought Harvey was just being petty and unimaginative when he called her that horrible name. It absolutely breaks my heart that Rose has seriously taken it to heart and keeps thinking about it - I feel so sad for her :( It was really effective that you kept referring back to it, as it because something I kept expecting to read too, really highlighting how automatic thoughts can be sometimes. I love that her friends are so good to her though and that she has the comfort of her family around her too. That said, it was just extra realistic that a lot of the other students would be amused by their break up. Teenagers can be so mean!

The letter Rose received was so creepy, but it's really exciting that a deeper, less explained element is starting to emerge with this story. Those photos! Who took them? And the letter itself. It was written so sweetly, almost kindly. I wonder if Rose knows the person who sent it? I'm dying to find out!! One thing I wish was slightly different was Rose's reaction. I wanted to hear her thoughts a little more about how strange it was, maybe just ruminate on the weirdness of it arriving so late, or something. But obviously she was pretty preoccupied at the same time so she can be forgiven for that - but just food for thought! It's cool that the letter-plot is taking off now and is pushing the next chapter forwards.

With that said, I'm off to read it!

Laura xxx

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Review #13, by tangledconstellationsThe Alpha Letters: Endings

19th March 2015:
Hullo!

I'm reviewing for the HPFF fundraiser.

(I know you know that already :P but I need to say it in every review to make it count. Also, every review = $1 to the fundraiser, so if you wanna join in you have until midnight today (GMT) and you need to reply to the post on the forums!)

Right, so: SHERLOCK THE CAT! That is so 100% adorable, mainly because I imagine him to have a permanent grumpy expression, a little bit like Benedict Cumberbatch. I hope that's okay! Sort of writing this as I read it, but - I LOVED the bit as Rose was freaking out, Scorpius and Holly were just exchanging comments. It was so funny! I'm growing attached to these characters more and more and I think Rose is just an absolutely awesome character. Parts of her character are emerging gradually and it's really rewarding to finish each chapter and feel as if I know her more. It speaks ounces that she was so afraid of Harvey breaking up with her even though she doesn't really like him. You've written it so well, suggested just enough of her insecurity to make us care for her and wonder why she feels this way.

And, O M G I literally just finished this chapter just this second. I HATE Harvey!! He is the worst person in the whole world, he is such a berk! I feel so sad for Rose! (sort of wish she hadn't kissed him - from my feminist pov she needn't have justified that she could 'put out' - but her slapping him and her refusal to sleep with him was awesome.) By the end of it, he didn't even have any words. 'Fat cow'? He's such a loser, he couldn't even come up with a good comeback. I hate him! I'm so glad he's out of her life (hopefully!). You wrote that confrontation so well too. You've absolutely nailed the sniggering, petty nature of the friends. I also liked that you focused a lot more on the Slytherin common room - it made imagining it a lot simpler and the whole encounter a lot more vivid.

I'm really excited to keep reading, sorry these reviews are getting a bit shorter, I am just absolutely hooked! If there is ever anything major though I will flag it up :)

Laura xxx

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Review #14, by tangledconstellationsThe Alpha Letters: A Long Strange Trip

19th March 2015:
Hey! Here I am again!

Reviewing for the HPFF fundraiser. :)

This was another really sweet chapter. I love how important family is to everyone, it's just so lovely! And to have all of their families coming together ♥ so cute! Having Scorpius as a part of that is really nice too. Their friendship group feels really tight and it's so nice to read.

In this chapter the dialogue reads really well and it was great to have a variety of characters asides from Rose Holly and Scorpius. Baby Cecilia sounds adorable and this emphasis on the family makes me wonder about its importance later in the story. Is something bad going to happen to them? :( I hope not! You've shown a really nice distinction between the characters and their ways of phrasing things. I love the way Holly talks, she's hilarious! She really relieves the tension and creates a balance between the three of them.

I'm interested to see where exactly this story is going because at this point nothing major in terms of plot points have cropped up. I'm expecting the general journey/plot begin to emerge soon and it's making me ask a lot of questions and look for secret significance in things! For example, Rose feeling a little claustrophobic was really sad but an interesting thing to include. Does it hold later importance to the chapters to come? And with the animagus aspect, is this going to get them into any trouble at a later date? So many questions!

I really enjoyed this one though. Onwards!

Laura xxx

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Review #15, by tangledconstellationsThe Alpha Letters: The First Shift

19th March 2015:
Hey again!

I'm reviewing for the HPFF fundraiser :)

This was such a great chapter! I love that you've gone straight to their sixth year and that the first chapter was the prologue. It really works and makes me understand Rose and Scorpius' relationship that much more. Instead of starting it here and just telling me that they've been friends since the first day its so much more successful that you've shown me it previously. I really, really enjoyed reading this chapter!

I thought Ron and Hermione were super cute, exactly how they'd be after the seventh book! Hermione seems so organised still, sort of picking up after Ron in a really loving way. Another aspect I really like is that they've put their past prejudices behind them too and don't mind that Rose is friends with a Malfoy. It really heightens the feeling that a lot has changed since the last wizarding war. I sort of want to know more about Scorpius' home situation, whether he gets on with his dad, that sort of thing, but maybe you'll cover that later on. At this point it was great to see Rose's family dynamic at home.

I love the idea of them becoming animagus together. I thought your descriptions were great, and Rose's thoughts were great in the mind of the dog. I wonder whether they were aware of the Marauders doing it too? It might be a nice touch to have them finding that out. I'm not sure though, but I think it might be illegal for them to actually become animagus at this point though as its very complicated and dangerous magic. I think you have to have left Hogwarts in order to do it and be a proper adult wizard. Unless, of course, the law has changed this far into the future. I think if that's what you're getting at it might be worth mentioning that, just to ease up any potential confusion your readers might have. It might be that the law changing to make it legal from a certain younger age could have inspired them to learn! Also, as it's super difficult, I sort of wished you had focused more on just how hard it was studying for it. It would then reveal more about your characters in a subtle way, in that they have to be really clever in order to actually learn it, which they are!

This was another great chapter though. On to the next one!

Laura xxx

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Review #16, by tangledconstellationsThe Alpha Letters: A Prologue of Sorts

19th March 2015:
Helloo!

I'm reviewing for the HPFF fundraiser over on the forums :)

I thought I'd swing by this fic because a) it looks really interesting and b) you've not got many reviews but you've got so many chapters! It seemed unfair that you should be writing lots of a story but not be getting much feedback. So hopefully my reviews will give you adequate food for thought and encouragement. And if you get time, check out the fundraiser on the forum as it's keeping HPFF online!

I think it's lovely that you've started this story right at the very beginning, with the Sorting. Already, both Albus and Rose are genuinely lovely people. I think it's so original and sweet that they've been introduced as people not holding major judgements, because it means that we instantly like them and want to hear more about their adventures. They're so nice! I thought it was great when Albus corrected Rose in the train and reminded her not judge Scorpius. It feels like we're absolutely starting on a new leaf to the book series.

The sorting was really nice too, very nostalgic. I love the idea of the next-gen kids defying the tradition their parents adhered to and choosing their own houses. Scorpius' sorting in particular was really nice and I loved that he himself was pleased with the result. He's still got that confident Malfoy attitude about him though, doesn't he? I guess that's just who he is, and it makes him an interesting character nonetheless. I'm excited to see just how he'll grow and develop as a character.

The only thing I wish you had included more of in this chapter was heavier descriptions of your settings. I think by creating a more richer tapestry behind your action-aspect of the chapter it would make whats going on that much more clearer and visual. Just little things, like the warmth of the common room (everyone loves reading about the Ravenclaw common room as it's so mysterious - I don't think it would be a bad thing to really describe lots of it!), the food at the feast, the train carriage. Things that you could probably cover in a sentence or two!

But this was a great first chapter and I'm looking forward to reading more :)

Laura xxx

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Review #17, by tangledconstellationsMeet Eibhleann: A St. Patrick's Day Tribute.: Mercy, Zeta, Rumer and Anise.

19th March 2015:
Hey again :)

I'm reviewing again for the HPFF fundraiser over on the forums!

Ah, I see that in this chapter you've spaced the dialogue out a lot more! That's great, it makes this chapter a lot more easy on the eye and more enjoyable to read. I like that you've suggested at Eibhleann's worries a little bit, in that she wanted to make friends so when she does it's such a relief. I'm glad she's a Gryffindor with the others - though I wonder what would have happened if she'd been sorted elsewhere. Do you think they would have made an effort still to see if she'd settled in okay? I can definitely imagine Rose doing that.

It's great to see Eibhleann sort of having the first year treatment, with the Sorting and the feast. I think using this chapter to have wonderful descriptions of the castle from the eyes of someone who's never been there before would have made it seem that much more new and exciting. Maybe it's something you could add in at a later date, or include in later chapters? After all, her old school would be different to Hogwarts. Maybe you could mention how both schools differ. That way, we might be able to understand Eibhleann's back story a little more and see how she feels about the transition.

There are quite a few formatting and typing errors scattered throughout this chapter, though. It might be worth finding a beta reader on the forums, someone who could flag up accidental errors before you submit the chapters to the archive. For example, this line doesn't have speech marks so when reading I had to assume it was Rose: This is the sixth year girls dormitory which you will be staying in your bed is next to mine. - as well as that, the sentence is quite long and needs to broken up with a full stop. It reads better as: "This is the sixth year girls dormitory, which you'll be staying in. Your bed is next to mine." You could even make this a lot more visual by having Rose doing something to show her excitement about this, like patting the bed and grinning, or jumping on it!

This was a good chapter, but bear in mind the suggestion of a beta as it would make your story a lot stronger. I'm looking forward to seeing how Eibhleann settles in even more, and I wonder how she'll get on getting to her first lesson. If I was her I'd probably end up getting lost somewhere in the castle on the way!

Hope this helped a little :)

Laura xxx

Author's Response: Thanks for the advice maybe i will add some of it !!
-xMMx-


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Review #18, by tangledconstellationsMeet Eibhleann: A St. Patrick's Day Tribute.: Hello...

19th March 2015:
Hey!

I'm reviewing to support the HPFF fundraiser over at the forums :)

Wow, so this was a cool start to your story! It's good that you've straight away introduced your original character, as we can get to know her simultaneously with your interpretations of the Next-Gen characters. I also love the idea of an Irish magic school, hopefully you'll mention more about it, and its own quirks and traditions, as this story develops! I thought Rose was a nice character, instantly welcoming Eilbhleann into the carriage and hearing her out.

I couldn't help but wish this chapter was a little bit longer though, and I think there are some areas in particular you could extend it out while keeping the same amount of things covered in this chapter. For example, some sentences are very long, such as ""Al you ok," Scorpious asked, this snapped Albus out of his daydream and into reality but before he could answer his worried friend the compartment door slid open and Albus looked up to see which girl had come to ask him out." - for only the second line this is very rushed. By splitting it up a lot more and providing some staggered exposition on the characters already in the compartment we'll understand who's talking and why. To alter this, you could, for example, answer in separate sentences:
~ why Scorpius might be asking Albus if he's okay (does he daydream a lot and has it previously got him into trouble?)
~ what was Albus daydreaming about? and what does the train carriage look like as he bumps back into reality?
~ what does the carriage door sound like as its slid open? who exactly is Albus expecting to see?

Obviously, these are only suggestions but if you try and cover as much as possible as you go it means the reader is a lot more invested in whats going on. The story you've set up looks like it has the potential to be really good, so ensuring that you're clear and not overly hurried when writing it means that its so much more enjoyable for the reader and we get to understand all the details you're telling us in more subtle ways :)

Just another little thing: try to be careful about the way you space out your paragraphs and dialogue. For each new character that speaks place their dialogue on a new line. It makes it a lot clearer and also helps with the pacing of your chapter too!

But this was a really promising start and I'm looking forward to whats going to happen in the next chapter!

Hope this helped a little bit :)

Laura xx

Author's Response: Thanks it helped a lot
-xMMx-


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Review #19, by tangledconstellationsA Glimmer of Light: A Glimmer of Light

19th March 2015:
Hey,

I'm reviewing in support of the HPFF fundraiser over on the forums :)

Sirius' time in Azkaban is something I think about (and write about) often. I think you covered it really well here and this was such a pleasure to read, even though it absolutely broke my heart. There was a real sense of his claustrophobia and his fears, but also the really brave elements of his character shone through too. The whole concept of 'losing your mind' is just heightened even more in an environment like Azkaban. Blurring the edges of his dreams/reality worked really well in this one-shot because it showed us that Sirius is losing that distinction too. Both are as real as the other, and that came across so effectively here.

Your style works so well for the theme of the piece, too. I love that you have Sirius constantly questioning himself, repeating phrases, such as "They were alright. He was alright" - almost to keep him in the here and now. It's really cool. One thing I do wish for is that you had spent a little more time describing the cell more, just to literally build the walls around Sirius and the reader to heighten that trapped feeling. I think maybe a sentence or two should do it, and it would make this piece that much stronger and would be so much clearer to visualise. It's already such a great exploration of Sirius' emotions and how he's coping with Azkaban, so ramping up the descriptions just that little bit more would nail it.

This piece was really heartbreaking and I really enjoyed reading it. I feel like you've done Sirius justice here, because all he ever needed in Azkaban was for someone to hear his side of the story. Really beautiful!

Laura xxx

Author's Response: Hi Laura!

Thank you for reviewing this story, glad you liked it! :)

I'll definitely be taking a closer look at your work now that you mention it, haha.

About Azkaban, I do agree that I could've been more descriptive about Sirius's cell although I did try to focus on what was going on in his head rather than his surroundings when I first started writing this short piece. Still, perhaps giving a little more information about what Azkaban actually looks and feels like to Sirius would only make this story better now that I think about it. I will consider that piece of advice very seriously.

I'm really happy to hear that you thought Sirius's state of mind and his shattered heart did not completely shove the bold, courageous part of his personality to the side. As someone who is very new to writing I did not want to make him lose his identity by trying to describe a much sadder, darker part of his life.

Again, thank you!

-Sophie


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Review #20, by tangledconstellationsFarewell, Spinner's End: A WITCH AND A MUGGLE

19th March 2015:
Hey again!

I'm reviewing again for the HPFF fundraiser :)

It really felt like in this chapter Severus had started to come into his own a lot more. Instead of the descriptions being central to his parents and location it felt like he had a lot more control over what was happening in this chapter. It sort of emphasises the idea that now he knows he's a wizard he has a sense of purpose and doesn't feel as downtrodden. But at the same time the parts that you did mention his parents here were really well done, adding to the image we have of them. I love that Eileen paints and falls into this trance-like state. It's a good thing because at least she has an outlet, but the way Severus sort of felt shut out was a really interesting facet to mention.

I especially like Severus' description of Lily. It was sort of reluctant, like he didn't want to let himself appreciate how she looks, because, y'know, girls are gross. But at the same time he was still fascinated by her and he wanted to impress her, even if she is just a girl. She's still a potential friend! His fixation on that really brings home that he's so lonely and doesn't have any friends. And, now that he knows he's a wizard, he's sort of all of sudden doubly-alone, which means he's extra keen to fix that. Something which was quite striking was his immediate reaction to Petunia, calling her a muggle like it was a dirty word. I love that you've hinted here at the bitter, sharp teenage boy he will eventually become.

Your dialogue reads really well and I think in this chapter its your strongest point. You wrote all three characters really fluidly and they each had an individual way of talking, which was good. I love how Petunia talks, stroppily and with a sense of superiority emphasising every few words, like when she said, "I know who you are." I can imagine how exactly she's saying it too, with a bit of a glare and maybe her arms folded too! It was a really clear image to me. And I think it's great that Severus has instantly taken a dislike to her, he already wants her to feel left out and exactly how he's been feeling for most of his childhood.

This was another great chapter! I'm really enjoying this story :) Hopefully you'll have the third one on the archive soon!

Laura xx

Author's Response: Thanks!

I got the idea about Eileen having painting as a hobby from a song about an unsuccesfull painter with schizophrenia (by a band called The Breath of Life ). I always imagined that Severus's parents were negligent to the point they sometimes forgot he was there. I'm glad you find it interesting, at least, and are not disencouraged by the depressing facts that probably made up Severus's youth.

Actually, Severus's first meeting with Lily is something I'm not quite satisfied with, and wanted to edit, but I keep editing these first chapters and once it needs to be finished. I will try to emphasize the things you've said a little bit more. That lashout at Petunia and the dialogue is from JK Rowling actually, so all credit goes to her, haha! I didn't got around to making a disclaimer yet,which I should have done but I'm going to do right now. But I know right? I could picture everything so well when I was reading DH.
And I think Severus feels left out indeed..

I am so happy you are enjoying the story and like to read the next chapter! That is really encouraging.


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Review #21, by tangledconstellationsFarewell, Spinner's End: THE SHATTERED GLASS

19th March 2015:
Hey there!

I'm reviewing for the HPFF Fundraiser :)

This was a really interesting first chapter and you've done a great job of introducing us to the story. You've chosen to start this story at a really cool time, before Severus knows he's a wizard. It works really well as it's a time that isn't often covered and we see a more vulnerable and childlike side to him. I think it's fascinating to think that this Severus will grow up into the Sev we know from the books.

You've got some really strong, vivid images here too. The part that stuck out to me especially was little Severus watching his father round on his mother. "He was sitting on the ground, holding an old shoe like other children would hold a teddybear" - I thought this way of implying that he was a little stranger, a little more deprived than other children would be, was really well done. It's also such a sad image as all he really wants is comfort! :( it's such a simple line but it has ounces of effect.

Also, I thought the way you described the Shropshire area was beautiful. I'm originally from rural England and grew up in a farm in the middle of nowhere, so it conjured up so many lovely nostalgic images of the rolling fields, knotted together with shrubby hedges. I loved your introduction at the beginning, too, to the Industrial Revolution and its impact on housing in the future, things like that. Quite recently I visited Ironbridge in Shropshire so it was great to have that reference point! I'm glad you mentioned it. I love the idea of muggle developments and transitions being just as pivotal to wizarding society too.

The background information on Eileen was super interesting too. It's such an original approach. It would be cool to have that story developed even more and hear it from her perspective maybe! Tobias was so horrible, I can just imagine him, loud, uncouth. I pity Severus a lot here, something I can't really say for later on in the books, so even though his childhood was tough it was really special to have him reading the wizarding books at the end.

I think you've done an awesome job at fleshing out Severus' back story and I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter!

Laura xxx

Author's Response: Hi, that thing is great :D.

Thanks! The reason why I chose this beginning is because the Snape memories we know go back to when he was, I guess, around five or something... Some stories depict him as already showing signs of magic when he's a baby, so I thought, I make it somewhat different. I'm glad you like it :)

Thanks, I'm glad you liked that line and that it came accross that my version of Severus is a bit weirder than the other children, even without his magic. His youth is a sore spot for many fans. I am glad I seem to do it a bit of justice at least.

It's such a coincidence you've been to Shropshire recently. I'm glad my description gave you a feeling of nostalgia, seeing as I've never been there myself! You are lucky that you live in England and went to the Iron Bridge! I really want to go on vacation to Britain again someday, I think it's a beautiful country. I agree, I find the idea of Muggle and wizard society blending in each other, but not quite, fascinating!

I'm glad you found my approach for Eileen's story original. There are only so many ways you can go with her background, but I wanted to try one that hadn't been done before. I'll explain more about her in the next chapter but also in the rest of the story. I'm glad you thought my Tobias was horrible. He may not be as inhuman as in 'Prince to thieves' by Serpenscript, but nothing beats that...

Thank you. I really appreciated your review!


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Review #22, by tangledconstellationsFive Exclamation Marks: Five Exclamation Marks

18th March 2015:
Hey there Andrew!

This is for the review swap we both agreed to the other day, then I think we both got simultaneously distracted by real life, hehe! I've been meaning to read your stories for a long time - I've had Harry Potter and the Final Year on my reading list for ages now but still haven't found time to start it because of all sorts of things jumping in the way. I'm going to make time for it this month though, and I'm really glad I've finally had the chance to read some of your writing!

I really, really enjoyed this one-shot. I read it this afternoon, then the whole time I was making dinner this evening it was on my mind and I kept thinking back to it. I think for your first challenge entry you did a really great job of using the quote and ensuring it was relevant throughout you piece. And asides from that, even if I wasn't aware that it was based on a quote for the challenge, you managed to create a self-contained tone and include a sort of reflective element that kept the piece feeling very whole. As your first one-shot, did you find it strange to have to keep it contained to a single moment, as opposed to writing a multi-chaptered fic? It worked beautifully in my opinion, I was so swept up and utterly absorbed by the moment you've created here. Ron's final line almost made me burst into tears!

Ginny was absolutely awesome. She's exactly how I imagine her to be in her adult life, even though it was a shame we didn't see lots of her. I liked that she still had that coolness about her when they first arrived at Ron's house, and that it was Harry that gave away that something was wrong. I imagine Ginny to have perfected her lying face, most definitely from growing up keeping secrets from all of her older brothers. The thing that was really special to me about this piece was that the love and friendship between Harry, Ron and Hermione was still really strong. They're not showing it in an overt, obvious way - I guess they never really did in the books - but it's there, shown in Ron and Harry's dialogue and the way they all care so deeply about Hermione. Hermione, who always cared so deeply about them too and prepared for everything, for them.

Seeing Ron here as quite resigned and tired, 'he just didn't have the energy to maintain the rage', is really heartbreaking, but at the same time it makes him feel like a stronger character, as though he's grown a lot more than he did in the books. I really think you wrote him perfectly. In a situation like this, I think he would act exactly as you've said. He would be angry at first but then he'd pack it in, try and be more constructive instead. And I definitely agree he wouldn't quite have the strength to admit Hermione to St. Mungo's, and would refuse it outright. "...he knew that once she stayed there it would be for good." - this broke my heart but I really think you're right. It would definitely, definitely be too painful for him to okay that transition.

As for your writing itself, it reads so well. You haven't overdone anything and I think your strengths lie in capturing the characters, the little details of their actions. It was really clear to visualise them as I read. My only bit of constructive criticism would be to build up the settings a little more to give the reader more of a picture of where the characters are interacting. Probably only a few sentences or so, such as of the kitchen (is it super tidy or a little worn out, are the dishes piled up? - that sort of thing, to make us think more about how Ron is living beyond this one-shot) and a little more of Hermione's room perhaps. By doing this it means you can leave some things simply unstated in your narrative because you've implied them through the descriptions of the settings instead.

But yes, this was really lovely to read. I know I'll think about this one-shot often as it's such a beautiful and heartbreaking interpretation of the quote and of the trio's later lives. Hopefully you'll write more one shots like this in the future! Maybe even connecting one-shots - maybe one from Hermione's perspective, or lovely Rose's? (Okay, I'm rambling!) Thanks for sharing, and thank you so much for your wonderful review too!

Laura xx

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Review #23, by tangledconstellationsTwo Earthly Kingdoms: To Anger a God

18th March 2015:
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

This was so incredibly beautiful!!

Honestly, this was so so special to read, thank you for posting this because it was beautiful ♥ Your writing is so inspirational! It's so fluid and clear and just absolutely amazing to read. I really don't think I can enthuse enough about this right now. It was just wonderful and thought-provoking and...a million things!

I love reading about Snape. He's such an interesting character and I love your approach to him here. The stance that you've taken is such a new way to look at him. It's devoid of judgement, it's not making him into a hero. It's just so wholly central to him in a really unique way. It lets you start to imagine some of Snape's delusions, his warped, obsessive way of thinking, but at the same time it's who he is, it's how he formulates his plans. I love that here you're implying that he acts half out of desperation, out of things that he's lacking in his life and needs, like love. But at the same time there's the suggestion that he likes this, he wants to be the glimmering in gold, he wants the power. It's such an intricate and beautiful balance. I also love that you really emphasised that bitter, jealous, sort of competitive side to him, making him feel superior but at the same time vulnerable. It's the side I think that he would deny he has, and he doesn't necessarily acknowledge it here either. But it exists in his character, all the way through this piece. This is truly like seeing into his mind. The most unsettling but important quote for me was: "Luck was for lesser men, not me."

The style of the piece was just flawless too. I loved all of the references, I loved viewing this side of the story like an ancient legend, like this was an epic celestial story of the chosen heroes. They fit in so snugly, too. I think my favourite part was The Duel with Apollo. There was something so haunting about it. And having Lucius as this immaculate, overconfident figure that Severus just absolutely brings crashing to the ground was incredible. I loved that, even though once I was sort of aware of the timeline you were following here, I literally had no idea where you were going to place Severus and at which point in time we might be at, so starting each new section was so exciting. You've managed to balance the pivotal 'book bits' with parts that capture our imagination and flesh out the Death Eater aspects to Sev. I wonder what it would be like to read a contrasting one shot in a similar style to this, but dwelling on the 'light' and more 'good' (note the quotation marks!!) parts of Severus' character. It would be fascinating to see the similar reference points but twisted into a story of a sort of heroism.

I love the way you write Severus' feelings towards Lily. I love that it's ambiguous whether or not he does love her. Since reading the books, I've never been sure myself. Here, he hates her blood status so much and that's really fascinating to me, because I guess we will never know if he did or not. I've always thought that he was sort of going along with the ill-feeling of the time when calling her a mudblood, but your interpretation of him actually really resenting her for it is so charged and makes you rethink their whole relationship. It makes him that much more interesting and complex. He hates what she is yet he wants her - and for what? I was semi-expecting lots of descriptions of her beauty and her kindness but I like that here in this piece I can't find that as much. It makes me wonder whether he did love her for those things, or whether he just sort of wanted to conquer her and have her to contrast him. Ahh all the feelings right now!

Also, I am so so sorry about the delay in our review swap! I sort of volunteered the swap in a bout of uni-work procrastination and then the last two days I've felt super guilty about not doing uni work haha so have been tryna catch up. I fail so hard at being organised! But I am really sorry this has taken so long :(

Anyway, this was so gorgeous. I loved it and I love your writing times infinity! Thanks for writing this. It is so special! You never, ever disappoint!

Laura xxx

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Review #24, by tangledconstellationsMiddle Clouds: Black Book

16th March 2015:
I couldn't not review this chapter once I saw you'd updated this fic! So exciting!! ♥ ♥ ♥

I absolutely loved this - I thought the descriptions of Malfoy as a fox were really beautiful. Foxes are so lovely! I live in a city so there are foxes everywhere at night - they're mainly pretty mangy and sad looking, but I still think they're so beautiful and would love to hold one! - until it like, mauls at my face or something. I thought it was a really nice touch that the spell didn't fully transform him into a fox - more like a squishy and safe replica. I think that kind of distinction is really important to consider, because sometimes thinking about all the spells in the HP universe and their potential biological/psychological etc implications can cause a bit of a brain ache. It seems much more realistic and sort of safer that human to animal transformations would work in this way. But yeah, anyway, /tangent, I thought Rose coaxing the fox to go with her was a really wonderful piece of writing. I got such a clear picture of the animal and I loved how sort of *respectful* and gentle she was with him. It was really lovely to read.

Another bit that I thought was just awesome was the image of Rose finding the transfiguration book. It was such a great picture to have in my mind. This line, for me, just totally captures the magical feeling of the HP universe: 'The book was titled Transfiguration for Mature Readers (and Mature Readers Only!) and I felt the ominous weight of its pages as soon as I laid my fingers on the leather-bound cover.' This could honestly be straight out of one of the canon books! I can't explain it, just, for me reading the books the things I am in love with are the dusty, leather tomes, the strange feeling that you're about to come across something incredible/weird, and absolutely (and probably mainly) the witty book titles mirroring the attitude of the wizarding community. Seriously, 10/10 for the book title because it's that little detail which really brought the whole section home for me and really reminded me that we're still in our beloved HP universe. I had this wave of sort of nostalgia as I read it (it made me think back to all the specifics JK Rowling mentions in the books, like the magical types of sweets and the unusual books titles (tangent, but: remember the one in CoS when Harry's in Flourish and Blotts - the Book of Invisibility that the store owner could never find? So awesome!) - like all of the stuff I wish I could play around with!). Ugh kind of rambled again but yeah, it was such a great image. ♥

Also, this made me laugh a lot:
''No, he's been... taken care of.'
Jem's head snapped back at me. 'You killed him?!''
So hilarious! I love that Jem instantly jumps to that conclusion. It's so funny. I feel like that whole bit with Rose and Jem meeting up near the end of the chapter let us see so much more of his character. I love how sort of fleeting he is, being obsessed with one fad and moving on to the next. It sort of hints at immaturity but I like it. I think it works well - it makes me see him as a real character. AND I also love that Rose is falling back on to her old ways of 'I can't possibly go and talk to Malfoy!' Classic Rose. Jem is right - she is far too proud. Again, I love it though. I love these characters because they're as stubborn and set in their ways and habits as I'm sure everyone secretly is! :P

Anyway, sorry for rambling a lot about the book title (I really liked it) and also sorry for rambling a lot about the fox. I think I might officially be the weirdest reviewer ever haha, god I'm sorry! This chapter was awesome though. I think it's great that every single chapter of this fic lets us see more and more in to these characters. It's awesome Rose has kinda found her forte with the (banned!) animal transformations. I hope you include more of that because it's such an interesting facet, her breaking the rules, and a topic that as a fan of the logistic-y side of magic I want to see more of! I'm also super keen to see if she will talk to Malfoy before their detentions, or just let it slide. I mean, Kato intended them to talk during their detention anyway so maybe Rose is just gonna leave it til then! I can imagine her putting it off for as long as possible :P

Ah, I rambled again but this was super great and I honestly can't wait until you update again!

Laura ♥ xx

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Review #25, by tangledconstellationsA Spoonful of Luck: Lottery, Landlords and a Lowlifes Lair

16th March 2015:
Hey there!

First of all - thank you so so much for your incredible and lovely reviews! You are the best! ♥ They've absolutely made my morning, thank you! I'm sorry its taken me forever to get round to reviewing in return.

This chapter was really awesome and works so well as a kick starter for this fic. I love the tone you've adopted here, it's one I can totally relate to! Early twenties with no clue what to do with life :P Alicia is hilarious and I love how witty she is. You're so good at writing sarcastic and sort of observational comedy. It's such a joy to read, honestly! I suck so bad at being funny so this is somewhat inspirational for me! :D Like, this bit cracked me up soo much:
'That's so great. I'm really happy for you,' I repeat, smiling so widely my cheeks hurt.
It's all lies, of course. I'm not happy, I'm miserable. And also a bit envious.'
- because as I was reading the whole 'yay congrats Joan!' bit I was thinking to myself, 'damn, I wish I could win the lottery', and then seeing Alicia be happy for her I was like, 'jeez am I an awful person for being jealous of Joan?' - so when Alicia was just outright like, I'm totally NOT happy, it was sort of a relief for me! I think I like it best when characters are equally as grumpy and jealous as me, haha! It makes me feel like we can all just be awful people together hahaha. Love it.

There's a really good balance in this chapter between character build up and also plot. I thought Alicia seeing Joan as a mum-like figure was really telling of how stranded she's feeling right now - and it was really interesting to have her suddenly check herself and think she was being pathetic for feeling like that. It's as though Alicia doesn't want to admit how terrified she is, but yet she's joking about it to try and make light of the situation. It just makes me want to see everything get resolved for her! She's already so likable and completely realistic. I really hope she has some luck headed her way soon! ♥

I also totally loved the rest of the employees at the Hopping Pot. They're all so original and have their own super weird quirks. As soon as we met Trevor I knew he'd be interesting - like, his office description alone in contrast to the rest of the pub gives such a vivid image. I think having this chapter from Alicia's POV is great - it makes the characters seem that much sharper and real, because it puts her slant on everything and makes the whole setting and all of the characters feel like they're all existing (and failing at running this place!) in time. I thought Felix was a real winner, crickey, haha! He made me laugh a lot. God, I can totally picture how absolutely annoying he is - especially when he's supposed to be tending to the bar and he's just sort of...floating about. And it's kind of like, can you just tell him off and tell him to get back to work? But I get the impression that kind of instruction to him is like water off a ducks back! So much of this fic is applicable to situations I've been in, it's great! I am so equally frustrated with everyone as Alicia is! But saying that, I feel so invested in her and this story already because you've really impressed in this chapter how vital she is to the pub.

Anyway, I think I've rambled a lot a lot a lot here. I thought this was a really awesome first chapter and I'm super excited to read more of it. I love the way Diagon Alley feels bigger, how you've considered more sort of mundane elements of the wizarding world not covered in the books like bills and rent (the kind of stuff I genuinely find interesting!). This was great to read, so thank you so so much for sharing! I'll be reading later chapter for sure :)

Laura ♥ xx

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