Reading Reviews From Member: apocalypse
  
304 Reviews Found

Review #1, by apocalypseTrying not to love you: Chapter twenty-four - The Broom Closet Incidence

26th May 2014:
Hey!
I have been waiting for months for you to update this! Even though I started reading this story back when I offered reviews, I've still followed it through despite deleting my review thread. I LOVE THIS STORY. I know you say that its your baby but for me too, its not anything less than that, trust me. I love Gwen and I love James too much to see something bad happen too him. You are an amazing writer and your words aren't just words, they are colours which paint the perfect picture on a canvas. Seriously, it is not easy for a writer to make their readers visualise everything they write but you do it so flawlessly, it's beautiful.

This chapter was one of the most well-written pieces of writing I've read in a long long time. The awkwardness, the hesitation, dude, it was absolute perfection. I've waited too long for this and you did it more than just justice. I hope you don't take as long as this one for the upcoming chapters because really, this was enough torture. :P

I think it's fair of you to make James go through somewhat the same feelings that Gwen went through. However, I do not know WHY he did it. I don't know why he kissed her and I think I'm just as confused as Gwen is. I don't think I saw it coming either. :P

Anyway. UPDATE SOON! :D I have missed this story more than I thought I had. I've written a review after SO long, I really hope I was of SOME help even when it wasn't really a critique but just random excited babbling. :P

-Cal

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Review #2, by apocalypseTrying not to love you: Chapter eighteen - Euphoria

26th August 2012:
I KNEW IT!! I KNEW THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN
SOMEDAY! OH MY GOD! I KNEW THAT KAT WAS
PRETENDING AND I KNEW THAT SHE'D BE
DISCOVERED SOOON!! Aah! I'M SO HAPPY
THAT GWEN WAS THE ONE WHO DID IT! YAHO!!
*jumps around like an absolutely crazy person* YES! YES! YES! Oh, yeah! GO GWEN!

Phew. I just had to look away and take few deep
breaths before I could come and type this review!!!
Really, I got EXTREMELY excited! When I started
reading the chapter, I wasn't really expecting all of
this to happen. I thought that everyone would
actually like Kat and she would act all nice and
perfect to gain their favour. She did do that in the
start but then WHOA. The tables turned suddenly
and everything was amazing!

I loved the plot twists. And yes, to answer your
question, they did work for me very well. I was
actually very surprised that everything just...
happened, you know? It was an amazing feeling
reading the entire chapter and I can't really
describe how much I enjoyed it! Really VERY good
job! This chapter really out shone the previous ones
and it really shows how brilliant you are as an
author! It shows your ability to plan everything and
really compliments your writing skills. WONDERFUL
JOB! :D

Ooh, yes. The emotions! I think Gwen really acted
perfectly throughout the whole thing. The entire
scene was written perfectly and her anger and her
yelling was very well justified. I LOVEDLOVEDLOVED
her reaction! I think I felt the same way as Gwen
did; VERY angry at Kat. :P But I was also
triumphant and felt victorious that FINALLY
someone had defeated Kat and her evil plans. Gosh,
how extremely evil she was.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVED MOLLY! I don't know why
Gwen didn't like her; perhaps her perception was
wrong :P I really really liked Molly and her devious
personality :P You've characterized her very well; I
think her thinking and her blunt attitude really suits
her. She was exactly the kind of person who
could've really helped Gwen and I am very glad she
did. Her boldness and her cunningness (if that's a
word :P) was very impressive and very well written.
Great job with her! :D

I really liked the entire plan she made with the
potions. You wrote that part very well and there
were instances where I really believed that they
won't be successful but I am SO glad that they
didn't get caught and were actually able to carry
out there plan. The point where Kat spits into the
potion; AH. Time really stood still at that moment. I
felt like I was reading TOO slowly and really wanted
to jump ahead at the moment where she's finally
discovered. Boy.

And JAMES! OH MY! I can't believe what he must've
been feeling at that time. I really loved the way he
acted throughout the scene and really thought that
his attitude and his behaviour were written
perfectly. OH MY GOD! I just realised! I mean, HE
just realised, DIDN'T HE?! He just realised that he
REALLY IN LOVE with Gwen and that's why he said
it, right?! RIGHT?!

The ending was perfect. It really was. I can't wait
to see what happens in the next chapter and how
James will realise what he's been missing for so long.
WHY ARE ALL JAMES' LEAVING?! :P Sorry, hehe.
There are two other James II/OC stories I'm
following in which James left the OC just like he did
in this story just now. AH. I love James Potter in
every story! :P

Oh and I'm very very sorry for being so late with
your review. I've had very hectic two weeks and
now my school's opened which has been taking a lot
of my time. I really hope that you forgive and that
you like this review. I really loved this chapter and I
can't wait to read more! UPDATE SOON! :D And feel
free to PM me if you need any kinda help or advice
:)

Also, I read your comment in my review thread on
my previous post. Thank you SO much for that! It
really means a lot to me that you like my reviews
and that they matter to you that much. Really.
Thank you. :)

Until next time, Happy Writing! :D

-Cal

Author's Response: Haha, I'm bouncing here too, just because your review is so awesome!

But anyways, I'm glad you liked it ^^ Quite a few important things happened in this one and the plot is finally moving again!

And thank you, you really are too kind. But I'm just super glad that you liked the chapter so much! I'm quite fond of it too (:

Haha, it's good to hear that. Because someone really needed to punch Kat! And Gwen was more than justified for the job!

I'm glad you liked Molly! She was such an important character for the story, even though she has such a minor role in it, so I wanted to give her a real personality, to make her stand out. I'm happy to hear it's working!

Haha, I love those moments! And I'm incredibly happy that I've managed to write one ^^ it's just amazing when a story sucks you in so badly and you're completely in the moment of the scene.

We'll see d: I can't really tell you that here without spoiling the story from everyone else too d: you'll just have to wait d:

Haha, maybe that's a common flaw for all James's? They really need to start acting up, so they won't need the time outs ^^

Don't be sorry! Although I'm sorry too for taking so long to respond! I can tell you all about hectic RL so I completely understand! I've had such a busy month and I didn't have any time to write, but now I'm at it again and chapter nineteen is about 80% finished! So it should be out soon!

And no need to thank me! You definitely deserve all the credit for your awesome reviews! They always make me beam so much and are the most helpful! So thank you!


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Review #3, by apocalypseBefore They Fall: The Picture of Friendship

12th August 2012:
Hi Jami! This is apocalypse, finally here with your review! :) Sorry, I took so long with this, I'd been pretty busy this last few days! I hope you don't mind! :)

Wow. Firstly, I think I should tell you that I really like the way you add so much content in your chapters. You never really allow your readers to get bored and you make sure that you include at least one plot detail in every chapter so that the flow and pace of your story remains good. You really do a great job with that! Keep it up!

Okay, moving on characterizations. I really like Lily's friends. I really, really like them :) There are so many stories where Lily's friends haven't been really shown or given importance but your story counts them in and gives them importance as people and as her friends. I like how Alice and Belle comfort her, listen to her and make sure that she can share her feelings and her grief with them. That's something that I liked a lot.

You also did a very good job with the Marauders in this chapter! I really loved the last scene where they discussed Voldemort and stood together talking. It gave me a very good feeling to see all those friends together, out on a regular day, enjoying a sport they love. It was a very well written scene. And then, the way you end it, making Remus think about the coming night, about his friends and what they would all be doing, I loved all the sentiments there. Well done :)

James and Lily! AHHH! I loved the conversation they had there! And the moment where they ALMOST kissed! It was written very well and even I held my breath for them. I thought she'd lean in herself and I wasn't expecting what she'd say next. It was pleasantly surprising :D I haven't really ever read a James/Lily story before in which she asks to be friends with him first. You've really incorporated that idea wonderfully into this story and it barely seems like it's different! :) I really like the way you wrote that scene. I loved it! Especially the way James agreed and told her what he wanted :P Great job!

Hmm, to answer your question, yeah, it was clear from Lily's dialogues that they would be friends, you know. But apart from that, I think we'll have to read on more and see how they act towards each other to make sure that they actually only seem like friends, if you know what I mean. :) To me, it was definitely clear they're friends at the moment. :)

Yep, your characters are easy to relate to. In fact the way you write your story, it makes your writing and your descriptions easy to relate to too! You have a very good way of easing your readers into the story, engrossing them with your writing and your wonderful words. Keep it up! :)

Andd, that's it from me at the moment! I hope you like this review and that it answers your concerns! Feel free to PM me if you need any help :) Until next time, Good Luck and Happy Writing! :D

-Cal

Author's Response: Ahhh how am I going to respond to this amazing review!

I’m happy you like the fuller chapters. I know it makes for a longer word count, but I really feel like it’s worth it so that the chapters are actually there for a purpose, even if that purpose is just to give us more information on our characters.

I am working so hard on Alice and Belle, so knowing that you are liking them both makes me amazingly happy! I don’t think Lily would be half the person she is without her friends, so I want to do them justice. They all balance out one another so perfectly in my mind, so seeing that someone else felt that way too makes me so amazingly happy!!!

Eeek the almost kiss scene was so scary! Because you never know if you get those things just right, ya know? And I really think to have the strong kind of relationship I feel that they did, they would need to build it on a strong friendship.

I don’t even know how to explain what you enjoying this story so far means to me. These people are just becoming so attached to my heart, that I want everyone else to love my version of them also.

Thanks again for taking the time to fill my request, and leave such a perfect review!

I’ll be back as soon as chapter seven is validated :)!

Jami


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Review #4, by apocalypseHeartbeats: Prologue

12th August 2012:
Hi! This is apocalypse, here with your review! Firstly, I'm really sorry for taking such a long time, I've been having crazy days at my place so I couldn't find time to review this. But anyway, I've got some time on my hands now so I'm here with your review! :)

I think I'll go step by step. You asked about the dialogue in your request. I didn't really see a problem with the dialogue so far. The entire conversation in the chapter was written well enough and there weren't any problems grammar wise. However, I did feel like it wasn't engaging enough. There really wasn't anything there that could keep the conversation alive, you know?

I think that considering that this was the prologue, the description was enough with regards to that. It was enough to make sense of the story and make sure that we understood what was happening. Everything was written well for a prologue so I liked it :) You might need more of it in the next chapters but so far, it's enough.

Okay about Rose's job. You put enough information in there but there were moments when I wondered about the whole point of her job being explained in the prologue. I think it's not as important to mention, especially not in the prologue. I think you should've mentioned more about Mark and Rose's feelings for him. Seeing as how the chapter ended, I wanted more info about him and not her job.

The characterization was pretty good actually. I really liked Ron and Hermione. I think Ron did a pretty funny job of criticizing his robes and whining about them. It was something I could see him doing. :) And Rose was very like-able so far. I think I'll enjoy reading her narration more :)

You've got a really good start here. I think that the way you ended the prologue, it grabbed your reader's interest which is an excellent way to make your story successful. So great job!

Well, that's it from me at the moment! I hope you like this review and that it helps you in any way it can! Until next time, Good Luck and Happy Writing! =D

-Cal

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review - don't worry about it being late. :D

I'm glad you liked it but I see what you mean about explaining Rose's job and needing to add more about Mark, I agree. :)

Emma xx


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Review #5, by apocalypseDiamonds into Coal: Midsummer

9th August 2012:
Hi Amanda! I'm finally here with your review! I'm so very very sorry for being so late; I've had crazy few weeks so I'm sorry I couldn't get to this before. Really sorry. :)

Well, onto the review now. It felt really good coming back to this story after so many days! I really loved the way you started the chapter, gradually describing everything and easing us into the situation of the festival. Your description and the imagery was AMAZING throughout the chapter, especially when you gave us details about the happenings of the festival. It really does seem that everything is pretty natural and nothing seems forced at all. I'm happy to tell you that the detail and the apparent new angle does work for you very very well. :)

The historical elements flow brilliantly with the canon elements! The midsummer's festival could have been the part of the wizarding world altogether for all we know! :) This chapter really made me feel like our history and Venn's history really is one and the same thing, if you know what I mean. :) You really did a very good job of incorporating all the things here in this chapter and make them seem like a part of the story. Really very great job!

I really liked the interaction between Venn and Helena. It's so cute the way he keeps following her around, observing what she does and accomplnying her everywhere. I really loved the way they both acted throughout the chapter; the way they seem to value and like each other's presence was exactly the way I love them together :)

The ending! Ah, I wasn't expecting the proposal so soon in the story. But wuite frankly, I'm glad that it happened. Prolonging this further would've only dragged the story more and wouldn't really had much success. The events really turn to the main plotline; you're really doing a very good job with the plot; taking care of all the details duely. Great work! :)

I really can't wait to see what happens in the future chapters! The way Venn laid his proposal in front of her it was obvious that now that she has to decide, she'd have acknowlegde her feelings for him to herself and to the world. I really liked the way he handed her the glove and the quiet way she accepted. Her last though really was an amazing one. It's clear that she wan't him to win and I really like that! :)

Great job with this chapter! I really like the Author's Notes you put at the end of each chapter, explaining the meaning of everything in the end. It really show how much thought and research you've put into this story and it impresses me lot. I also really appreciate information on things I rarely know. :) It's a wonderful thing to do for your readers.

I hope you like this review and that I've addressed your concerns! Feel free to PM me if you need any kind of help! Until next time, Good Luck and Happy Writing! :D

-Cal

Author's Response: Hi Cal! Don't even mention it - I'm so pleased to hear back from you, and I didn't mind the wait! Thank you for coming by to leave a review :)

Oh, that's such a relief! Trying to work description in naturally has been a recent challenge for me, and I'm glad to hear that it seems to be moving in the right direction. It's great that the details didn't seem overwhelming and that the flow kept up okay.

Good! I had fun writing the festival, but I worried that perhaps all the details wouldn't keep readers' interest. I'm glad everything made sense and that it seemed to fit with your perception of the magical world at this time.

Ah, the love story :) I'm happy that you liked the steady stream of flirtation between Venn and Helena here. The ending seemed to surprise most readers, but it's great that you felt like it was in the proper place and didn't seem too rushed or too long coming. I think I was trying to keep in mind that in the days of courting, it would have been normal for a young couple to really begin getting to know one another once an "agreement had been reached," so to speak. Dating really wouldn't have been feasible without the promise of eventual marriage. You seemed to really get Helena's mindset, too - she does have to make a decision now. I'm pleased that you enjoyed her reactions to Venn's proposal.

I'm so happy that you appreciate my author's notes. I love writing them and I love it when I get feedback that they were helpful or interesting. I know very little about this time period, but I'm learning more and more interesting information as I work on this story, and I can't resist sharing it with my readers!

You did a great job addressing my concerns, and again, thanks for this wonderful review :)

-Amanda


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Review #6, by apocalypseTrying not to love you: Chapter seventeen - Outburst

9th August 2012:
Hi E! I'm finally here with your extremely over due review!

Firstly, Ginny. I'll be completely honest here. I have a conflicted opinion about Ginny's reaction. When I read it for the first time, I felt that it wasn't enough. Gwen did most of the explaining and told us how mad Ginny had been that day. But overall, apart from what Gwen had told us, I felt that Ginny wasn't really that mad. By the time, we drop in on the scene, I felt like Ginny had calmed down. I don't know if any of your readers felt it but I felt that there should have been more. More than just "Why didn't you tell us?" I'd actually also been expecting something like "What have you done? You've ruined yours and her life too!" Well, not exactly that, but you know what I mean, right?

Then on the other hand, when I read the scene again, I felt that as it's Gwen's narration it's not such a bad thing that she explains it. I did miss the extreme fury that she'd described but I also saw what she was actually concerned about. It kinda sorta balanced out in the end but still.. there was something missing.

I really liked the way James took it all like a man. He responded to her queries and cleared her doubts but also acted like he deserved it.

And Harry. I've never really read Harry as a father that much. But from what I have read, I think you've done a pretty good job with him. I'm not sure how he should've reacted to James but I really liked it all. I think his acceptance is a good contrast to Ginny's temper; that's really the way it should have been.

Kat and Gwen. KAT AND GWEN. Kat AND Gwen. Wow, it feels so weird writing their names together like that. I don't like it. :P Ookay, I had not expected Gwen to be the one to try and "comfort" Gwen. I can understand why she did it and I even think it was the right thing to do but ugh I still hate Kat a lot. Do not like her. I know that she's s very deceiving person and sh brewing something for sure. I have a feeling there's a plan that she's got. Evil woman. Grr.

I'm glad that Gwen talked to her and James though. It's good for Gwen. Somehow, maybe, hopefully, she'd get over him if she tried very very hard (not that I want her to but there's also Joshua I have to think about :P) Hmm. Let's see what happens.

The ending was a pretty nice one actually. It really was the way such a tense chapter should've ended; effortlessly. I really liked it. Joshua

Author's Response: Oh don't worry about it, dear. I'm just glad you made it now ^^

Haha, I'm actually feeling pretty much the same as you are about Ginny's reaction! I'm very conflicted about it. I feel like I didn't get nearly enough fury into it, but then again we're watching it from Gwen's POV and also Ginny's has already been raging for quite some time already so maybe the highest peak of it has already passed. I don't know. I'll have to think about it more once I edit this chapter the next time (:

Haha, yes. Like Gwen said, she proud of him. He really deserved all that and for once he acted like should.

I'm glad you liked Harry's reaction. I tried to picture what he'd be like in a situation like this, and hopefully I got it right ^^

Haha, it was quite weird writing that scene too d: but yeah, she did the right thing, even though she doesn't have that many warm feelings towards her d: but at least she's trying!

The ending was different at least d: there haven't been that many happy ones throughout this whole story d: but Gwen did deserve it. Let's hope it continues d:

Thank you so much for your lovely review ♥ they're always so helpful!


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Review #7, by apocalypseDown Comes The Night: Chapter Two

28th July 2012:
I LOVE SALAZAR SLYTHERIN!

Ahem. Hey Mags! I'm finally here with your review! Sorry it took me so long :)

And I would just like to say that this what I'm talking about! :D Hahaha, I LOVEDLOVDLOVED this chapter! I think that this chapter was exactly what you needed to bridge the gap between the times and to explain Salazar's character. I really liked the way you gave subtle hints in the entire chapter about how his personality was and what Helga thought of him. I loved the way you made him laugh and smile in the entire chapter but made him seem proud and stern at the same time!

The entire chapter's dialogue was great fun! I really enjoyed the conversation they had; especially the parts where they made each other laugh. I loved Salazar's light attitude towards her and her surprise at it all. It was so adorable. Hehe.

Oh he notices her too! Wow. I was just as surprised as Hufflepuff was. It was the best dialogue ever. The way he said it; I could imagine someone like him saying that! Great job with it! Oh, I must quote it here! :D

"You are not the only one who watches, Hufflepuff. I just happen to be better at it." - This was the best one ever! :)

I'm really happy with the way you've started describing all the character's. We found out a bit more about Ravenclaw and a lot more about Salazar. Also, I think you did a good job with Helga's character; she's started to reveal more about herself and how she's coping with the life at Hogwarts. The way she's constantly trying to get better to match up to others is very impressive. I love that determination of hers. Also, I really liked the way she was trying to take care of Evan. That was pretty sweet and it reminded me of you :) You're sweet just like that, hehehe.

And before I end this review, like I said, I LOVE SALAZAR SLYTHERIN! :D Hehe. I hope you liked this review. It's 2 am where I am at the moment and I'm very sleepy so this may appear a bit disjointed. But i hope you like it and it gives you some feedback. :) Let me know if you need more feedback or need to discuss anything in detail. I would love to help. Until next time, good luck and Happy Writing! :D

-Cal

Author's Response: SUCCESSFUL SALAZAR! YES!!

I was so anxious to get your opinion on this one, since it really kicks off the big edits. And I'm so glad you enjoyed it! I'm finding it much easier to write Salazar now that I've slowed things down a little, and I feel like it shows in his character. The dungeon scene with him and Helga was so fun to write. Helga just doesn't know what to do with him, and I loved writing all her reactions to him! Fun times :)

And I'm so glad you think this bridges that gap well! I was hoping the flow would be better, and the feedback I've been getting has been pretty encouraging in that area. And a good response from you helps me feel a lot more confident about it.

Haha, that line! Like I said, I loved writing the parts where Salazar throws Helga off guard...they just make me smile :)

I'm trying to give all the characters some face time in these beginning chapters so I don't neglect anyone. Glad you're enjoying that so far! And it's so awesome of you to compare me to Helga that way, because I really love that part of her personality. That just makes my day! *blushes* I do see her being affectionate with the kids (kind of like a mom figure), so her doting over Evan just felt natural.

I loved this review! It was awesome, and the beginning had me laughing :D I'll definitely re-request! Thank you so much for coming by, and don't worry about the wait...your reviews are totally worth it :)

--Mags


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Review #8, by apocalypseBefore They Fall: Secrets Surrounding Us

28th July 2012:
Hey! This is apocalypse here with your review! :)

Wow, I didn't remember that this chapter started from a different POV. I was expecting the usual PoV of Lily so I was a bit taken aback by the way the chapter started. :P Sorry about that; it's not really a bad thing or your fault, I should have read the areas of concern again before coming here. Hehe.

Anyway, I actually think that you did a pretty good job with Bellatrix's character. Her fear of her master was very genuine and I really liked that. You got into her head really good and I could see that you had fun writing her :P I really enjoyed reading her too. The way you wrote her fearing her Master and fearing his wrath, I think that was pretty good. SO great job with that. :)

Bellatrix and Lucius were great but I kinda had a problem with Voldemort. At one point, when he was 'dismissing' the Death Eaters, it sounded like he was the King and was dismissing his servants. Generally, to me at least, that's not really the image of Voldemort that comes to mind. It wouldn't have been weird if he'd done it once but he said it multiple times which made it sound different than it should be. I hope you know what I mean. :)

Dumbledore and McGonagall were alright :) I loved reading their scene in the end. Though I was a bit confused. What were they talking about? Had Lily and Sirius already talked to them and they were mentioning those two or were talking about something else entirely?

The imagery in this chapter was great! I really liked the entire scene with Bellatrix and Voldemort; especially the way you wrote her character. I always imagined her fearing Voldemort a lot and always thought that she did everything for him out of love for him so I really liked it when you described it that way.

Your plot is advancing pretty well too by the way. I really like the way you keep on introducing new plot lines in every chapter; it helps keep your reader's interest. I'm really curious to know what they're trying to actually. I know the final outcome but am curious about how you'll lead everything to there. Can't wait to learn more. :)

Keep it up, Jami. I really liked this chapter! I hope I wasn't too harsh in this review. :) and I hope you liked it. Feel free to PM me with anything you might wanna say or ask. Until next time, Happy Writing! =D

-Cal

Author's Response: No you weren't too harsh at all!! This was a wonderful review!

Though, I hate having to waste any good CC, but I am a bit confused on the Voldemort part. Just because a King dismissing his servants is basically exactly what I was going for, haha! I'm probably going to PM you and try and figure out if you mean you felt like he was too nice or too cold, if that's okay with you :)!

Yes, because we already heard the entire conversation between the Prospects, Remus, and Lily I didn't want to show them actually retelling it. So when the next section ends is taking place directly after the students leave. I don't want it to be confusing in the slightest though, and thanks to you pointing that out I think I'm going to add on McGonagall taking the students up the stairs and have them starting to tell Dumbledore about what happened, then cutting off and skipping to the last section. Thank you so much for pointing that out! It got the wheels turning :)!!

I'm so happy the plot seems to be advancing well! Keeping things interesting is my biggest goal!

Thank you so much for this wonderful review, and please never feel bad about pointing CC out to me! CC is the best way to understand what people are actually feeling when they read. It's hard for the writer to pick up on any confusions because I always know whats happening, so when they are brought to my attention from a different light, I really get the chance to improve!

Thank you so much!

Jami


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Review #9, by apocalypseThrough His Eyes: Lucius Malfoy

27th July 2012:
Hey! This is apocalypse, here with your review!

Yay! Anothre Lucius/Narcissa! I've read quite a few stories of this pairing so I really liked reading about them! I'm really glad that you requested this story, I'm pretty sure I'll enjoy reading it.

For a first chapter, you've got quite a good start for the story. I never thought of Lucius to be a quiet and silence loving person, but i think that in this story you've actually justified it and have told us why he's like the way he is. I really liked the way you started the story and showed Lucius taking part in the conversation but also staying away from the other characters.

The characterization so far, is pretty good. Like I said, I really liked Lucius. He's written very differently in this story then I imagined him to be so I really liked reading him. I've always enjoyed reading different takes on characters that's why I liked this one. You've kept his pride and his integrity intact but are also trying to show us his way of grieving his mother. It's different and I like it. :) I look forward to seeing how you develop him further.

The flow is something that I think you need to work on. Especially the transitions between the scenes. Like, after you'd written about how his mother died, you gave us only two paragraphs of how he and his father were coping with her death. Then you came back to Hogwarts. I think that the transitions between the scene could've been more smooth. The easiest way to do that is to connect one scene to the previous scene through a sentence that kind of mentions the previous scene. All you need to do is establish a good link between all your scenes and your story will flow perfectly. :)

It's only the first chapter so I didn't really notice any plot at the moment. I think I'll comment on that on the upcoming chapters. :)

Reader interest: I think that you also need to work on that a bit. The idea of your story is unique because of Lucius' characterization but you need to execute the plot a bit better. It's the first chapter but frankly, I didn't really get that urge to read on, you know? There needs to be an attractive element in the first chapter that seemed to be missing here. I hope you know what I mean. :)

Your grammar was perfect according to me. I didn't really notice anything wrong with it so keep it up :)

There's one more thing that I think you need to work on a bit more and that's description and attention to detail. For instance, the scene of the sorting? You only described one person being sorted and that was James Potter. To make the scene appear complete, you need to take care of the minor details of the story too. Mention some more characters being sorted; describe the feast a bit more. Those are details that actually give the story a complete look, if you know what I mean. The best way to be good at description (an I give this advice a LOT :D) is to imagine yourself in place of your character. Imagine that you're in the place of your character and then write the story the way you think you see the world through your character's eyes. That way, you can think of details that you wouldn't have thought otherwise. :)

I hope that this review helps you. I'm sorry I won't be able to review more than one chapter at the moment. :) Feel free to come over and re-request for the other chapters. I hope I wasn't too harsh :) Until next time, Good Luck and Happy Writing! :D

-Cal

Author's Response: Thank you for taking the time to review this chapter! Really appreciate it!

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Review #10, by apocalypseTrying not to love you: Chapter Sixteen - Out of Luck

27th July 2012:
Hey! This is apocalypse, here with your review! It's interesting how things turn out :P I'm reviewing you from Pass the Parcel too :)

Anyway, I'm sorry I didn't review this earlier. I thought I'd just take the opportunity I've gotten and review it now.

Firstly, the start! ROFL. That was the funniest start I could've imagined to this chapter. I hadn't really expected something like this so it made me laugh very hard. I had to get away form my laptop so I could clutch my stomach while laughing. Imagining the entire scene immediately after what had happened? That was just too funny! Hehehe, Gwen, you're amazing. :p

I don't think I really have to tell you again how much I love Joshua. He's the best guy ever! I really loved the chemistry between Gwen and Josh. :) And James! Hehe, he's evil! :P I loved the entire conversation he and Gwen had in the end of the first scene. It was pretty fun to read; I always have fun reading Gwen and James together even when I like Josh and her too. Grr, you're making this so hard! It's not fair! :p

Anyway, over to your first concern then. Personally, I'm pretty happy with Gwen trying to help Kat. She's really trying and that showed in here; it's really not necessary for her to actually start liking the other woman but it's nice to know that our Gwenny can see past the bad in people sometimes. I'm glad she tried. Of course, Kat is a pretty dislike-able (is that even a word? :p) person so I can see why Gwen's having difficulty being nice. I would too.

Considering all this from Kat's side, I'm not sure if I know what she's supposed to think. I think that the way she's responding to Gwen's behavior is fine at the moment. If Gwen keeps in trying then Kat might also have to look past her dislike for our girl. :) But that's for the future. At the moment, I'm happy with what both of the are behaving like. I still do not like Kat at all.

The Game. Honestly, I had to go back up and read it again to see how much of it you'd actually included. At first, I didn't even realise when the game started and when it ended. :P It got mixed up in all the dialogue I suppose. There wasn't much there. However, if it really wasn't that important to the chapter or the story then I think you can leave it as it is. It gives us enough details to know that Gwen and James are not playing and are sitting in the audience. On the other hand, when I come to think of it, Gwen and James are watching the game so they should notice more, I suppose. I don't know, I just thought that they'd complain more or talk about the ongoing game more as they're players too? Just a thought. :)

AAARGH! NO! NOT THE REPORTERS! They're so evil! I can't believe this! Of all the people on this planet, everyone had to find out through the reporters? That is so cruel of them *sniff* I froze in my seat, just like James did. Man! I feel so sorry for him! You really wrote that scene pretty well actually. It had the spontaneity and that sudden revelation really got to me. It surprised me to know how the world would find out. AH! I can't wait to see what happens to James! Now his parents would ask him to marry Kat! That is one scary thought.

Update soon! :) And I hope I addressed all of your concerns. :)

*fingers crossed for James*

-Cal

Author's Response: Yey, you're here ^^ I can't even begin to describe the excited squeel I let out when I spotted that you were going to review mine! I love your reviews too much d:

Haha, yeah. He really does have the worst timing always, doesn't he (x he really should've known better.

I'm so glad that you like him. I'm quite fond of him too, so it's always nice to get good feedback d: And good to hear the dynamics between them all are also working!

Yey ^^ I'm glad that it's working! And you'll have to wait and see what happens in the future (;

Yeah. There really isn't much there, but it really wasn't important for this chapter at all and I felt like it was dragging the scene so I cut it out. Hmm, maybe I'll add at least a little bit to it once I edit it the next time (:

Haha, that was the whole point of it. I at least hope I managed to surprise most of my readers with that d:

You did address all of them, thank you for that! And the next chapter is in the queue already and should be out very soon!

See you soon, dear! Thank you once again for such a lovely and helpful review!


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Review #11, by apocalypseBreaking the Quidditch Code: You're a Quidditch Player

24th July 2012:
Hey!

I have a feeling this is gonna be an essay. :P

You know, I started reading this story only a couple of months ago. And do you know when? Lol, right in the middle of my exams week. Yeah, :P. I was just surfing the forums and I noticed a lot people talking about and recommending this story on there so I though I'd come here and check it out. After that, it took me two days to read up till chapter 48. And in those two days, I think I felt EVERY single kind of emotion that's ever been felt by anyone. This story.. it's amazing.

I'm writing this review right now and I'm kinda thinking back to the stuff I've read in this story. It's made me cry (yeah, believe I did cry at one; don't remember what it was but I think it could have something to do with Harry :P) It has made me laugh SO hard SO many times, I don't think anyone can really count. And even in this chapter, where the mood was SO tense that I couldn't really imagine laughing, I did. I read this chapter on my phone and you should've seen the way I was gripping it!

The tension in this chapter was brilliant. Really. You did such and AMAZING job of describing James' feelings and his worries; it was really gripping. And then, the fact that their luck was running bad, it made me bite my nails in nervousness. :P I'm just so very very glad that the pace of the chapter was good. You didn't drag it much and that made me very happy! I loved the fact that James was so determined he ignored his injury. I did that too once when I was injured. But I won Bronze and not the Gold :P But I can still relate. I love the different qualities of Harry and Ginny that you've put in James; sometimes it's pleasantly obvious, I can't help but fall in love with him all over again. :P

I haven't really given you a review on every chapter and I'm sorry about that but I have definitely read all of them. They're all very amazing and I don't think I've ever read a story that has ever been so complete. It's a complete package and I love you for that.

James. And Avery. And Bink. And Fred. And Lily. Paloma. Wesley. Albus. So many characters! You know, I always believed that managing so many characters in one fic is really not possible. But this story proved my theory wrong. I CAN'T imagine how you've done justice to every single character you've ever introduced in the whole story. It's really epic.

I love James. I love him SO MUCH. He's my most favorite next gen character and when I read him in this story, I fall in love with him all over again. You make his narration SO MUCH FUN! Sometimes, he's been stupid and mindless but I don't think I care. He's awesome! I love the way he's SO EXTREMELY obsessed with Quidditch. That's kinda what makes his character so perfect and so genuinely different. You've done a really good job with him. :)

And then Avery. Where in the world did you get her idea from? She's perfect! I'm a girl and I'm saying that! :P Really, she has her flaws but she's the best character I've ever read anywhere! I love her. Really. She's the best ever! And then James and her friendship really is epic. I'm so glad that they decided to remain friends! It was the best ides you had :P When I learnt that they weren't dating and were sort of only each other, I wasn't really happy. I wanted them to be together. You know what I mean, right? And then they got caught. Aargh! Those chapter were SO amazingly written! I got so sad for James. And then Bink was mad at him and everyone thought him to be a traitor; it was unbearable but amazing at the same time.

I feel so sorry for James! The way he'd planned this for his entire life and now that one thing seems to be so far away from him. It's saddening. I LOVED LOVED LOVED the part in the previous chapter when James wrote that letter. It's something I would've done for my best friend too. I really love the honest friendship James has with his friends.

At first, I didn't really like the fact that Harry and James were not on good terms. I was like, how could that be possible? But as I kept on reading, I actually started liking the idea. Because, in the end, when James and Harry finally made up, that was the sweetest moment ever

Author's Response: First of all, let me apologize on it taking me so long to respond to this. I read it when you first sent it but wedding things got in the way and I had to put off responding to everything until much later. But here I am!

I also want to say that it was a very poor life decision to start this story during exams week ;) HAHA!

I'm so happy you liked the tension. I was really nervous about this chapter because it wasn't a normal Quidditch scene. Everything had to happen at a precise moment for it to come off without a hitch and when I reread it I was thrilled with the adrenaline and movement it had. so I'm happy to hear you liked it!

Managing so many characters is hard. I've already had to create a spreadsheet for the sequel to dial some of them back and bring others forward for that reason. But it's one of those strange things that I can't control. They just happen. And create these weaving plotlines that move with each other. It's fun.

James is like my baby. He's so ... I can't explain it. Real? But to an extreme. I love his obsession with Quidditch. It's like the love of his life. Nothing gets in his way. And that was why giving him something to lose that was big was so easy and so heartbreaking.

Aw, thank you so much for saying those things about Avery. I love how strong she is. She had a chip on her shoulder and she's able to really navigate through her troubles with her head above water. I love that she straightens other people out, but she's not afraid to cry on James' shoulder. She's so amazing.

I know there were quite a few people that were uncomfortable with Harry and James not getting along. I knew from the get-go that might not be popular, but I'm glad it turned out well for everyone. I had a lot of logic and reasoning for it so Im glad it worked out.

Thank you so much for the amazing review! I'm looking forward to what you think about the rest of the story! Thanks!


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Review #12, by apocalypseThe Long Lost Tale of Mrs. Pettigrew: One Condition

22nd July 2012:
Hey! This is apocalypse, EXTREMELY late with your LONG overdue review. You probably don't remember but this is the chapter that you sent me a link to for me to review when you participated in my challenge. I'm very very very sorry for being so late here. I hope you forgive me :)

Anyway, now that I'm here, let's start, shall we?

Wow. I don't think I have ever read anything like this before. It's such a unique idea, I've already fallen in love with it. I can't imagine how you must've gotten this particular idea. It's really one of a kind. :)

I love the fact that you've decided to write about Mrs. Pettigrew. It's a brilliant concept, making her write a diary about her experience. I can't wait to learn more about it. One thing, this woman is Peter's wife in your story right? :p At first, I was confused if it's about his mother or his wife. Given the timeline, I'm guessing it's his wife but I still thought I'd confirm.

Anyway, the idea of making her trying to convert Peter is great. It's very refreshing to see that you believe that Peter was loyal at first. I really like that and it gives me a good feeling. :) You know, the hope that he really was a good friend like James and Lily believed him to be. I can't imagine how you'll make Aly justify the change in Peter's personality but I'm going to be looking forward to when you do.

The start of the story is a brilliant one. It really draws the reader in and makes them wonder about what will happen ahead. You've really done a good job with developing reader's interest. I have a lot of problem with maintaining that sometimes so I really appreciate the way you've been to maintain it. Great job. :)

I think that you've done a pretty good job with the characters too. They're classic Slytherins and they know who they are. I love the snobby attitude they show towards Aly and the way they express that she has to prove herself to become one of them. Good work. :) Also, I liked how you've characterized Severus. He's the same as canon but he's different too, if you know what I mean. :P I really liked him in here.

Well, that's it from me at the moment. Once again, I'm really sorry about being so late. It shouldn't have happened. Anyway, feel free to drop by my thread to re-request for further chapters of this story :) I'd be happy to review those too. I hope you like this review. Until next time, Good Luck and Happy Writing! :D

-Cal

Author's Response: Hey thanks for the review. Its totally ok that this is late. Like you said I forgot about it, so this was a suprise, and suprise reviews are the best kind of reviews, especially when they're this long.

Anyway, I'm glad you like my concept. I came up with it after reading so many stories that convieniently omit Peter. It used to annoy me so bad, although, now it sort of annoys me worse, because I'm more attached to him. Any who, Aly is in fact his wife when she's writing this. I've had a few other people confused about this, but I was sort of hoping that the timeline would sort of lead to the assumption that she is his wife. I don't really know how to make that any clearer (if you have any ideas feel free to pm me them) other than to put it into the story word for word that Peter is her husband, but I sort of want to avoid being that blatant about it.

I'm glad that you like my Slytherins too :) They were sort of different to write because this is actually my first story that I included that classic bully in. I also think I tried to go out of my way to sort of characterize Severus in this chapter too. He doesn't hold all that much of a prominent role in this story, so I wanted to try and get a good dosage of Snape in where I could.

Anywho thanks a million for this supper long review. It was totally worth the wait :)

-Liz


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Review #13, by apocalypseHelix-Breaker: Mistake

14th July 2012:
Hey! This is apocalypse, here with your review!

Okay firstly, I really like your banner for the story! It's beautiful. If I'd found this story myself, I would've read it upon seeing that banner. :D

Hmm, you're right, this is not your typical Dramione. At first, I had thought it would be but then I realised that it had a different base. I liked those romantic Dramiones a lot but I've been bored by those cliches so it's nice to see you taking on something different. It's a great idea!

Okay, the first thing I wanted to talk about was the reason for Ron breaking up with Hermione. Why Harry? When I read it, I didn't really like the idea of Ron breaking up with Hermione because of Harry. It's a creative idea but somehow, it doesn't really fit with their canon characters in my mind. I suppose you could've easily created an OC and that would've been easier to digest than Harry and Hermione. :) I hope you know what I mean.

Anyway, apart from that I really liked your characterization of Hermione. She's the same Hermione but you've added you own little twist to her by making her indifferent to the Wizarding World so it's going to be interesting reading her character in this story. Can't wait to see what you do with her. :)

Hmm, moving on to the actual plot. Honestly, I don't think I actually understand that part. I know it's only the first chapter and it takes time to develop the plot and hit the topic but I still couldn't really wrap my head around a few things. For instance, I did not understand the deal with the Purebloods. Why is Hermione so worried about them? What are they doing to make her worried? And then, I don't think you really mentioned why she isn't getting a decent job. I mean, she's clearly qualifies enough to get a decent enough job if not be the Minister for Magic. But she can atleast acquire something worthwhile. I don't think I got the reason for that.

Aside from those things, your chapter flowed pretty well. I really liked the way you brought in your knowledge of genetics and applied that in your story. I haven't ever thought of the Purebloods in that way so it was very interesting for me to read. Though there's one thing. I'm a Bio student so I can understand the terms you used like 'autosomal recessive gene' and stuff like that. But for a reader who has no idea what that is, it's hard to comprehend. What you could is make Hermione explain all that to Harry but in more simpler words and with more detail. It would be easier for everyone to understand. :) I hope you know what I mean.

Well, this is it from me at the moment. I'll only be reviewing this one chapter at the moment but you can feel free to re-request for the second one. :) I hope you liked this review and that it helped you in any way it could. Until next time, Good Luck and Happy Writing! :)

-Cal

Author's Response: I'm glad you like my banner! Heartplague at TDA made it, and it's perfect for my story. I can sort of see where you're coming from about being uncomfortable with some of my plot devices. I'm exploring parts of the wizarding world and the Golden Trio that have been mostly ignored by fanfiction. I don't think I'm being terribly OOC, especially in comparison to some of the very wacky (but also popular) Dramiones I've read.

I don't understand how, in any interpretation of the books, Hermione could get a good ministry job right after Hogwarts. Rita Skeeter referred to Hermione in The Daily Prophet (book four) as 'the Muggleborn,' as if it's a defining characteristic. Everyone accepted that. They also have the Wizengamot, which in my interpretation is basically a board of all the old pureblood families that get to make a bunch of important decisions about the wizarding world. Purebloods run society, so why should they ever allow Muggleborns to threaten that power?

I've taken things a step further though. There's a strong belief by even the least prejudiced of purebloods that Muggleborns are the cause of all their problems with Squibs and 'magical decline.' We don't really learn about the Ministry in the course of the seven books, but the part towards the beginning of the chapter will turn out to be a simplistic but true reason why the ministry won't hire Muggleborns. They DON'T want a charismatic and accomplished Muggleborn to change anything. However, Hermione is not willing to settle for a very low-class job at the Ministry that a pureblood with two NEWTs could get because she knows it would be impossible to accomplish the changes she wants to make at the Ministry from that position. She also won't look in the private sector because it's her goal to change the ministry. She's spent the last seven years at Hogwarts defying what should be possible - why shouldn't she be stubborn in her goal?

She sees this new discovery about purebloods as a way to change the anti-Muggleborn beliefs of society. Muggleborns, according to Muggle genetics, are healthy for pureblood family lines. Thus, with this new discovery she could destroy the basis for pureblood prejudice.

The part with Hermione, Harry and Ron love triangle I totally understand. Harry and Hermione have a very platonic relationship in the books. However, the kiss was a total failure, and Harry and Hermione wouldn't have even had it if they hadn't been under other influences. They were both a low points in their lives, and having spent the last eight years as close friends, I don't think it's crazy for them to give it try. They are lonely and desperate for connections.

Harry and Hermione have a purely platonic relationship, and the failure of their kiss was very necessary to the plot of the story. Hermione and Harry's friendship will very sweet, and I don't want people picking up any sort of sexual tension to it. I really don't want readers to see their friendship as something that could turn into more as the story progresses. They don't have the chemistry, and it wouldn't work. I'm establishing this early. I'll keep mind what you said, but I don't really want to change that at this point. My third chapter that I'm about to post has parts that could get a reader thinking that Harry and Hermione might end up together at some point. They won't, and I'm hoping the first chapter emphasized that enough.

I will explain more about the genetics. I used that term for people like you who already know stuff about genetics. I don't want to intimidate readers. Thanks so much for your review. I'm glad I got your opinion! This review was very helpful. :)

Aether


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Review #14, by apocalypseTrying not to love you: Chapter fifteen - Decisions

14th July 2012:
ahfiahsgahdflgiuepoqrjmflskdfjpvoahbvkashflisahvboe!! wyhgvbpioaerhbvpoewjgdnlvoiasdgvjahp!! sdbivosohfvhskvguiaewviuaiwyetfoi!!

I am sitting here, staring at my laptop's screen TRYING to figure out how in the world I would review this chapter with my current state of mind. Seriously, it's like ayfhklwebciubwueicgiwvfichsoih up there! I was SO completely absorbed into the chapter, SO ABSORBED that I didn't notice when it ended. My finger scrolled up again and I read it again from the middle WITHOUT realising that it had already ended and I was just reading it again. When I scrolled down to this little box to type, I was completely blank. The words from the chapter still echoed in my mind. :O I'm going crazy with the air of awesomeness that this chapter is giving out. And apparently not making any sense either, am I?

You MUST tell me your secret! Like, NOW! How in the world ARE YOU THE MOST AMAZING AUTHOR EVER?! As you keep uploading chapters, I seem to speechless by the end of them! Come on! I rarely got speechless before this story! -_- How do you do it? :P

After Pure Perfection, I couldn't have thought that you would give something even better than that. Well not better technically but of the same standard more or less. :P It's epic, seriously. I loved this chapter a lot. I don't know, maybe my reaction and excitement for your chapters get a little extreme sometimes and some people might find this weird but I don't care. Teehee. XD. I love you and I love this story and I love Gwen and I love James and I LOVE JOSHUA.

You know, I think that the fact that Fred's also a very good friend of Gwen is awesome. It was very nice to have him make an appearance in the story again! His timing was perfect. You really do a good job with the characters, do you know that? :p I mean, Fred was flawless here. The way he talked to Gwen and treated her in this chapter, I really liked that. And then, his relationship with James is wonderful. I loved the three of them together and him and James fighting over who Gwen liked better was too cute. :p I loved that scene. :D

And then onto the date. Ah, jealous James. That is one of the best things to read ever. :P Mean of me, I know but it's just very.. entertaining. 8D The way his expressions and his words change all of a sudden and he starts comparing himself to Josh, it's brilliant. :D

I loved the date. Like, seriously. I really love the fact about how you're very original with many of your ideas like these dates and then the Duelling Arena in the start of the story and of course, the entire team they have. I love how your brain works in regards to this story. :D Great job.

Loved the way you ended the chapter. :D I think that that's all I need to say about the end ;) Hehehe.

Great chapter once again! Really wonderful job! I loved it to bits and can't wait to read the next one! :D Oh and by the way, from now onwards, whenever you re-request, could you please mention the Areas of Concern for that particular chapter in your post? I go into detail with review of mine, but it always helps to have those for initiation, if you know what I mean. :)

Until next time, Happy Writing! :D

-Cal

Author's Response: You're too kind! Honestly! Because this review can't seriously mean my story!

But thank you! Thank you so much! ( Even though you're exaggarating d: ) You're like the most awesome and supportive reviewer ever!

You're making me blush here! There are like million better writers than I am, I really don't deserve this all. You should see how much I'm smiling here right now!

Aww, love you too ^^ And I'm really glad that you liked the chapter! I was a bit nervous after your last review because I thought it might be a disappointment for you and that it wouldn't be even close to the previous one d: So phew, big relief! Although now I'm super nervous about the next one (x

Yes, Freddy needed to make an appearance, he is after all her bf too! I'd really like to include him more but there are so many things that need to happen here and so on. Oh well, he'll show up more in the later chapters (: But yes, that's how I picture them, bickering about who Gwen likes the best d:

Haha, I love writing jealous James ^^ it's so fun d: maybe I'm cruel too.

Haha, really? I struggle with the dates so much! I always end up feeling that it's really lame and boring and I hope that nobody notices it (x good to know they're working for you at least d:

Yes, I left it for the reader's imagination (x

I did that! I meant to do it the previous time too, but I got so excited when I noticed that there was only one spot left and I needed to hurry so I could grab it and I sort of forgot what I was supposed to do d: sorry about that.

I'm done explaining d: I'm glad that you liked the chapter and I can't wait to hear your opinion of the next one!

*hugs*


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Review #15, by apocalypseBefore They Fall: A Night of Surprises

13th July 2012:
Hey! This is apocalypse, here with your review! Sorry, it's taken me a few days to come here and review this chapter! I'd been a bit busy with other stuff. :) Anyway, I'm here now, so I'll just get on with the review.

Whoa. Like, whoaaa. Like you said, the length of this chapter really was something! I don't think I have ever read such a long chapter ever before. :P Well, I don't mind. Seriously. The length really doesn't matter to me as long it's a chapter with some good content in it. Your had good content so no problem at all! :)

Honestly, I think it was better the way you've kept it. When I read your request and saw that you'd said that you couldn't really find a breaking point in the chapter, I was like 'Hmm, I bet I can find one.' =P But alas, I wasn't able to. Which means that there wasn't one. So, you can be happy with the flow. :) However, I only say that there wasn't a break point with you current wording. If you'd written that Prospects' scene in a different way, you could've ended the chapter with a pretty good cliffhanger. :P But that's just my thoughts. I'm pretty find of cliffies, that's why I suggested one here. ;) But I suppose, it was fine this way too. :)

Yep, you definitely made it clear that Bellatrix was not a student there. It wasn't hard to pick seeing as they actually mentioned that she wasn't a student there so that was in front of our eyes all the time. I don't know why it's important to establish that she's not at Hogwarts anymore though :P I suppose there's a plot line I'm missing.

McGonagall was, surprisingly, written pretty well. (I said surprisingly because I always have difficulty with the stern ones :P) I think she was done perfectly alright.

The scene where Lily remembers her mother, that was SO adorable. Hehehe, I've only really read young Lily once or twice so reading her that way was fun and cute. I really enjoyed reading that scene. It was written perfectly and when I'd finished reading it, it made me sad cause I'd realised the reason she was remembering. I wanted to cry along with her. *sniff* :P As for the transition, at first, I thought it was a bit abrupt. Not completely abrupt but it might've needed something more you know. Usually when you write flashbacks, you start them very slowly, describing the premise in detail thus allowing yourself to set the mood and to make the transition appear smoother. I suppose that was missing slightly. You did do a very well job with it and if you hadn't brought my attention to it by asking me about it, I probably wouldn't have noticed and would've loved the scene anyway. :D

The flow.. You know, I have to say that despite this chapter being over ten thousand words, I was very impressed by the way you maintained the flow throughout. It wasn't abrupt or anything at all and it wasn't drastically slow either. Well, actually in the start, it was pretty slow. I got bored when she was reading the properties of the two potions she was writing about. I think you should cut some words from there. Those initial paragraphs were slow because of the huge amount of detail you'd added in it. Unless all that detail about the red blood cell number increasing is of utmost importance to the plot, I suggest you cut down on it a bit. :P

I really like your plot so far by the way. You know, I had never thought that Peter was actually loyal to the Marauders first and had betrayed them only after being persuaded for it. I'd always assumed he's been bad from the start. But your take on that whole concept is pretty good. I really like the fact that you've made him loyal to his friends initially at least. It's a small thing but I like it. :)

I love the way you've characterized James and Remus. Especially Remus. I've scene similar characterizations of James and Sirius in many other stories but Remus was something new here. I really loved the way he's so easy going and so friendly with Lily. The scene where they eavesdrop was one which defined his character even more and I particularly liked that a lot. :)

James is just the same old. :P I know that's probably very bad of me to say it like that but so far, I didn't notice much new in him. Although, I did like the way he scolded Lily when she talked to that new guy. (Lol sorry, forgot his name and can't be bothered to scroll up :P) The way James got so mad at her, that was pretty cute. :P

Lily. You know, as one of the main characters, her characterization is probably judged the most. I suppose I should tell you that I'm pretty glad that you haven't made her hate James as intensely as she usually does in other fics. She's kinda neutral to him at the moment, which, according to me, is the best kinda situation they can be in. So, great job with that!

Well, I suppose this is it from me at the moment. Sorry, for the long review. I couldn't help it :p the long chapter deserves a long review. :) Anyway, I hope you liked the review and what I've said in it. I hope it helps you in any way it can and that it doesn't offend you! :) Feel free to PM me with anything you might have to say or ask and feel free to drop by my thread again. I'm really enjoying this story so far. :) Until next time, Good Luck and Happy Writing! :D

-Cal

Author's Response: I hate when Lily is shown to hate James. They get married in a year after the start of their seventh year. That shows the never actually hated him. I mean, maybe she was annoyed with him but never hated.

Then especially the way he handled her parents dying, he quickly became a huge part of her support system.

I LOVE the long review! It means my chapter gave you lots to say :)!

The part about the potion in the beginning is a bit vital, I'll look into my outline to see if I can get the description in anywhere else before it comes in handy, but as of now it has to stay. I am happy after that the chapter seemed to pick up, though! :)!

Peter is defintily loyal at this point. I think he trurly loved his friends, then fear can make people do thing they never thought they would..it's hard to let him be part of the group though because I really do hate him. haha!

Thank you for your amazing review! I'm lurking over to the forums right after I hit submit to see if there's a spot open for chapter 5. *ninja style*

Thank you again, my dear!!! I JUST redid this whole chapter, so it was so nice to have a fresh opinion on it!!


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Review #16, by apocalypseSilence Will Fall: The Three Encounters

13th July 2012:
Hey! This is apocalypse, here with your review! Sorry, this has taken me a bit long to come over and type, I've been busy with other stuff. :) Anyway, now that I'm here, I'll simply get on with it.

Okay, firstly, I don't normally read crossovers for the simple reason that I'm not familiar with some fandoms. The ones you mentioned in your request, to be honest, I'm not familiar with half of them. Though I have read the Inheritance books so I think I'll be able to give you a fair enough review about that. :)

Firstly, I think you've done a pretty good job with the entire plot! I was really intrigued by the whole and since Paolini did not really elaborate on Angela's story, your idea really caught me on and made me wonder how you saw her. I must say that making her immortal was a pretty good idea. Your back story of Angela explains everything that happened around her in the original books so I really enjoyed reading this! Great job!

Solembum! :P I've always loves that werecat. I loved reading his parts in this chapter, you maintained his personality pretty well so great job there too! :)

I like the way you made the Doctor enter her life again. It was smooth and pretty well written. I don't think I understood what happened there in the end but I sure can tell you that it brought on the sense of doom and helplessness that stuff like that usually brings. Really good job with the dialogue!

Overall, it's a pretty good story but I'm afraid I didn't really follow the Doctor Who part. :) I hope this review helps you in some way. You can feel free to re-request but I must warn you that I won;t be able to give a good review if I'm not familiar with the fandom. I'll only be able to stick to the grammar, dialogue, flow and such.

Until next time, Good Luck and Happy Writing! :D

-Cal

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Review #17, by apocalypseEternal Glory for the House of Slytherin - Task One Challenge: Brothers. Dragons. Inheritance. Blood.

10th July 2012:
Hey!! Wow! Really, wow! This was an amazing story! I really liked the entire plot and the way you wrote it! It was a marvelous idea and I really enjoyed it. When I read a one-shot, I usually expect one scene from someone's life or something like that, but this was a whole story packaged into a single chapter! I loved the entire concept, great job! I think you've done a good job with Salazar's character. He's somewhat different than he's usually portrayed as, so it was a nice idea to do something different and unique. :) The only thing I was unsure about was his fear of the Dark Arts. I don't think he'd be that afraid of something that's kinda second nature to him, you know? I hope you know what I mean. :) Anyway, great job!

Go Slytherin!! :D

P. S. I noticed that you're kinda exceeding the word limit assigned for the task. It's not a huge deal but you'd want it to be perfect, right? :p Just thought I'd let you know. :)

-Cal

Author's Response: apocalypse,

Ah, wow, thank you! It was so much fun writing this story. I'm so glad that you liked it and thank you so much for mentioning how it is a full story in one chapter. :D My author heart thanks you!

As far as Salazar's character... I have never read a Founders era story, so I have no idea how he is characterized. :) I'll have to change that now that I've started to love Salazar now. Tee hee.

As far as fear of the Dark Arts. For this, I felt that his brother accused him of that, but he doesn't fear it really, he just doesn't want to die. It's that Slytherin self-preservation that has him wanting to 'live to fight another day' instead of fighting to the death. But honestly, I have no idea about him. LOL! *shrugs*

And thank you so much for keeping me in check for the word count. The story is actually 2497 words (3 words to spare) and the rest is Author Notes that they don't count.

Thank you so very much for your support. It is so much appreciated!
Dark Whisper

Go Slytherin! :D


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Review #18, by apocalypsePining for You: Apartment Hunting

8th July 2012:
Hey! This is apoclaypse, here with your second review!

Okay, well, I commented on the characters in the previous review so I'll just add my comments on Albus and Benny here. :) Well, I liked there personalities their story; it was fun to read. However, I don't think it was quite that necessary to mention. What I mean is, that you've started with the second chapter of your story and generally there are few plot details revealed at stages like these. I noticed that there wasn't much plot content in this chapter so I suppose you need to work on that. :)

When I was reading the chapter, I was wondering why Louis is taking so much time to tell us Al's and Benny's life story in that much detail. I think, for me, guys don't really go into that much detail while they're narrating. Your characterization follows that rule generally but when he's narrating the story there are some point where it seems like he's going into too much detail. Maybe you could cut it down on the stories he narrates and describe his surroundings more. :) I hope you know what I mean.

The flow went well in this chapter too. It was good, didn't get disrupted and didn't have any major mistakes. So I liked that! And as always, I really liked your dialogue. I have a lot problems with dialogue so I always appreciate it when I see good dialogue. Great job with that!

Hmm, I don't have anything else to say at the moment. I hope you like this review and that it helps you in any way it can. Feel free to re-request. :) Until next time, Good Luck and Happy Writing!

-Cal

Author's Response: Hey thank again for reviewing :D

Haha sorry I'm writing from Louis POV but from a girl's head so this might explain why he seems to go into details about things he shouldn't/only a girl would go on about. In a way Louis is quite feminine haha I am also happy that you like my dialogue :D

Thanks for reviewing and I'll keep that in mind :D


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Review #19, by apocalypsePining for You: Twenty-One

8th July 2012:
Hey Lyris! This is apocalypse finally here with your review! Firstly, I'd just like to apologise for being SO late for this long overdue review. I'd been pretty busy with RL and then the House Cup started so there was a lot of activity in my life. I've been meaning to do this for so long but couldn't, so sorry about that! But I'm here now! :)

Anyway, let's start off with characterization. I actually like the way you've started off with your characters. For me, the main introduction of most (not all) characters is pretty important in the start as it gets easier for the reader to follow your story and focus on enjoying the plot line. So in general I like the start of the story a lot. I've never really read Louis' narration before but it was fun reading him here. I enjoyed his thought process and his dialogue. So great job with that!

I think that you've done a brief and good job of introducing the other characters too. The way Louis described each of them a few sentences was great way of getting their introduction out of the way :P Now your readers know enough about them to know who they are and what they represent so it'll be easier and less work for you to mention them in upcoming chapters. Good work there. :)

Moving on to Thady. I liked her. :) You've characterized her well and I enjoyed her banter with Fred. The dialogue between them was pretty well written.

I think your dialogue is going great at the moment. There weren't many errors I found in it so you should be happy with that! :) Very good work!

The flow of the story is not bad. You've done a good job with the descriptions and everything and have made it all seem so realistic it's hard to find anything to criticize in that case. :p I suppose I should say that that's good thing. :D Keep it up!

Overall, I enjoyed this chapter. It was light yet engaging and a certain level of interest that prevented me from getting bored. :0 Now, onto the next chapter! :)

-Cal

Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing Cal :)

Yeah I didn't want to go into much details with what his cousins does cos I know I'll bored the readers to death describing every little thing.

I've never tired narrating from Louis POV before and I thought it would be fun especially since it's the first time I'm writing from a male perspective. I'm glad it's going well so far though haha

Thanks for reviewing :D


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Review #20, by apocalypseFor You, My Love: Delivery

3rd July 2012:
Hey, Mags! It's apocalypse, here with your review. It's about time too, isn't it? :p Sorry, I've taken such a long time in coming here! I've been too busy wasting my time and procrastinating :P

Well, onto the review. First and foremost, I think I'll talk about the characters, like you asked. Luna: I really liked her in this story! In the books Luna was slightly different than your version of her but honestly, I liked her a lot the way you've written her. She's more mature and way more cooler than she already was. :) I think that the main reason for that was the fact that you took her ordeals into account and made sure that sufferings were apparent in her personality. She's changed, definitely but that was bound to happen considering the fact that she had been through so much in the Final Battle. I really loved the fact that you took all that into consideration and based your version of Luna around all that. Great job! :)

Then, Dean. I've never ever actually read a Dean fic, do you know that? :P I didn't really pay attention to him in the books either. *grins sheepishly* But now, after reading this story, I forced myself to compare your version with the book's version and you know what? I was pretty happy with him here. He's way more mature than Luna, is impulsive but knows that his decisions are the right ones despite them being thoughtless. :P I think all in all, he was the perfect partner for Luna, especially in this story so I'm pretty happy with the pairing. :)

And Xeno was pretty well characterized too. It really wasn't his story, he was there for a shorter time but I think I liked his characterization when I was reading. The fact that his actions had caused problems between him and his daughter was something that anyone could relate to so it was good to see that you wrote that idea down pretty well. Dean being the middleman was the right thing to do. His actions actually told the entire story and the fact that he was doing this only for only made me love his character even more. Wonderful job with him! :)

For me, the description and the dialogue were balanced almost perfectly. I usually notice the difference pretty quickly but here, I don't think I had anything to notice. :) It was pretty well written and yes, did flow very well. The dialogue complimented the description and vice versa. :D It made me a pretty happy reader. :D

One thing I kept wondering throughout the story was why you arranged the scenes the way you did. I personally liked it but I was wondering how you got the idea. :P Would love to know that! XD I don't think I found it confusing in any way. I suppose there will be readers who might find arrangement of scenes confusing or disconcerting but I didn't. I loved the fact that you tried something different and succeeded at it pretty well. :D

The only small problem I had with the numbering was the fact that I kept forgetting what number scene I was reading and which number scene had been the previous one. Like I was at IV and I had forgotten what had happened at III because of other scenes in between so I had to go back and check it again. :P But that's just something I experienced. Pretty short attention span, you see. :P

Overall, I loved the relationship between Dean and Luna. You made it seem so light and easy, I enjoyed reading it a lot. One of my favourite scenes was the one when they were painting their place and Luna kept suggesting or bringing it awkward colours. It made me smile at her. She was SO cute in that scene. :D Love her there. Great job with her, really!

I loved this story a lot, Maggie. Keep it up. I suppose I should tell you that I'm pretty proud of you and your writing, buddy! :D Feel free to PM me if you need any help. :)

-Cal

Author's Response: Hey Cal, it's great to hear from you! And don't worry about being late. I totally understand procrastination...I tend to do a lot of it as well :)

Dude, your reviews are always so awesome and detailed...it's just so impressive :) I love hearing your thoughts about the characters, and I'm glad you like them! I did think the aftermath of the war would change Luna a bit. I love her in the books, but she definitely has some growing up to do, and I think a war would speed that process along. Glad you picked that up :)

Dean is based a lot on my headcanon version of him, honestly. But I did try to pick up a few details from the books, such as his interest in art and the way he takes care of the women in his life (Ginny didn't like it so much in their sixth year, but I think it would be different with Luna).

I tried to think realistically about how Xeno would react to losing contact with Luna, and I just saw him falling apart and losing hope. But luckily Dean was around to help patch things up for two people who just aren't very practical problem-solvers :P

As for the scene-jumping thing, I don't know...it just came out that way when I started writing it. I wanted to start out in the middle of the "action" instead of getting bogged down with backstory at the beginning. So I just ended up switching back and forth, and hoping I could pull it off :P I'm glad you enjoyed that part of it (because it was pretty experimental for me), but I definitely see what you mean about losing track of things. That was one thing I was a little worried about, but it makes me happy that you liked the overall result :)

Aww, the paint scene! I think that's cute too, and I'm glad it put a smile on your face. That was the goal of this oneshot, after all :)

Thanks so much for this awesome review! It's so great to hear that I'm improving, and I really appreciate all your encouragement. You're the best!

--Maggie


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Review #21, by apocalypseTrying not to love you: Chapter fourteen - Pure Perfection

1st July 2012:
OH MY GOSH! *starts squealing like a crazy person* I can't believe I'm THIS late for this PERFECT chapter! I really should be quicker with my reviews now! I can't believe I wasted so much time in coming here and reading this more than wonderful chapter! :D :D :D

Elenia, you're amazing. Seriously. Just WOW. I don't think I could've ever imagined a more perfect date for Joshua and Gwen. It was perfect in all senses and I loved everything about it! Really very very great job! :D Moreover, the chapter's name was SO perfect with the entire chapter! I don't think I've ever scene a chapter so so befitting to its name. When I finished reading it, I was like whoa. I just read the most perfect chapter with the most perfect name. (By the way, I forgot to warn you before, I'm pretty excited for multiple reasons right now so my reviews is gonna be prettyyy disorganized :P) Anyway, A-M-A-Z-I-N-G job! :D

Moving on to characters. I LOVE VIC! I SERIOUSLY LOVE HER! :D I think she did an amazing job with Gwen in the start (dressing her up like that), and I think that one day, she should succeed in changing Gwen. :P Though I'm glad Gwen decided to go against it. She was right. It's just not her at all. :D Also I LOVE the way Vic argues with James and sometimes forces him to shut up, it's SO much fun to read! When I read their argument, I'm like you go girl! Give him something to think about. :P Sorry, I love James, I really do. But I think it's about time he should start seeing what he's been missing (or intentionally ignoring :P) for so long. I still think that he notices more than he lets on because, come on, how dumb can one person be, right? But then I'm like, Gwen knows him too well. She would know if he's pretending. And she would also know how to keep her feelings from him. So yeah. Ehrm. I think I just ran out of things to say.

Wait. No, I didn't! I have to swoon over Joshua! Ah! Could he more perfect and dreamy?! Why must you make him SO perfect? WHY? Gwen's right. It should be illegal to make other people feel this way just with your charm.. And your sweet smile.. And your perfect appearance.. And.. *shakes head* Oops, sorry. I go distracted by something for a second. :P

The entire concept of the date was perfect. It was new, inventive and creative. I'm really happy that you managed to keep the conversation alive! I have a lot of problems with dialogue so I really appreciated your ability to keep it smooth! You know, I had that same feeling that Gwen had, wondering what exactly they would talk about, how would everything flow to keep it perfect. But you did an amazing job! I don't think I can manage having such a smooth conversation in real life either. Yeah, I bring in the awkward pauses. So I'm glad this didn't happen in here. But then again, if it had happened, it wouldn't have been perfect, would it? :D

I was SO EXTREMELY disappointed when Josh was going away without kissing her. Really. My face fell just like Gwen's. But then he returned! AHA! ANOTHER PERFECT MOMENT! Woohoo! Yayayay! :D I jumped up and down with excitement. :D :D Yayayay! And of course, James walking in on them was the MOST OBVIOUS thing that could've happened. I was expecting that and I would've been surprised if it hadn't happened. I'm glad it did. Let the fact that it's cliche got rot in a bin. I don't care. It was perfect and amazing and awesome and breathtaking and so totally brilliant that I can't really care about the fact that I knew something like James appearing was gonna happen. Really. Perfection. Perfection and.. Perfection! (I feel like I've used the word 'perfect' more times in this review than I've used in my entire life! :P)

I'm so happy for Gwen. Even though I secretly ship Gwen/James (shhh, don't tell anyone, especially not dear Josh :P) I'm happy for Joshua and Gwen too. It's great that she's finally started taking steps to get over him and it's even more awesome that she's asked James to give Joshua a chance. She defended Josh! (Well, sort of). Hey, I'm calling him Josh, I just realised. You don't mind that, do you? :) Anyway, I'm glad that she's decided to move on. It's nice to see James trying to let her do it too. Let's see how he deals with as the relationship develops further. Can't wait!

An amazing chapter. I would use more capitals here but I think I've used enough for one review today. :P I'll just let you know that I loved this chapter to bits and I would've favourited this chapter if there had been such a thing. A wonderful, wonderful job. I couldn't have done any better. (I think it's you secret plan. :P You'll make us fall in love with Joshua and perfection so much that it'll hurt us and Gwen when/if something bad goes down between them. Ah well. We shall seee! :D)

Great job, E. I'm happy for you. I hope you like this review and that it helps you despite all the squealing. :P Feel free to PM me with anything you might have to say. Also, if you may need any kind of help whatsoever, feel free to ask! I'd love to help! :D And I think I should stop typing now. About to run out of characters. Until next time, Good Luck and Happy Writing! :D

-Love, Cal.

Author's Response: OH MY GOSH! This is the most awesome and lovely review ever! You are so amazing ♥ Thank you, thank you, thank you! I probably read this a hundred times before I could even start responding to this. You should see my smile right now, my cheeks are actually starting to hurt already!

Okay, time to deflate a bit now d:

Aww, I'm so happy that you liked it so much! Seriously, your review made my week! No, my whole month! I had my concerns about the chapter but they are all gone now, thanks to you ♥ And I'm quite fond of the name too!

I love Vic too! She's such a fun character to write! Haha, yes, I agree. She should succeed in changing Gwen but now is not the time for that d: And yes, James definitely needs someone to smack the sense into his head and Vic is the perfect person to do that. I'm sure that you'll be happy to hear that there will be more moments like that!

Aah, Joshua ♥ I love him so much. Gwen's a lucky girl, isn't she d:

Haha, thanks. I had trouble writing that scene and I'm still not completely satisfied with it. But I'm really happy that you like it because I was really afraid that it turned out to be too cheesy! First dates are always so awful, and I wanted to show how nervous she was about it. I'm glad that it showed ^^

Haha, that was really obvious, wasn't it? But I couldn't resist d: And it was a perfect moment for Gwen to confront James about the whole thing so I had to use it, even though it is a bit cliche d:

I'm happy for her too! She really deserves to be happy and since James seems to be unavailable atm, Joshua is more than perfect to make her feel that way. And I don't mind ^^ it's actually quite funny that so many call him already Josh, because James is going to start calling him that, but since it hasn't happened yet, it's funny d:

Thank you so much once again ♥ this review was so fabulous and wonderful that I'm just going to sit here and stare at it for a long time! And after that, I'm going to finish writing the next chapter with all this inspiration! And maybe the one after that too d: And yes! That is exactly my plan! (x

Oh, and check your inbox soon ^^


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Review #22, by apocalypseBefore They Fall: Head Boy and Girl

29th June 2012:
Hey! It's apocalypse here with your second review! =)

Wow. This was an amazing chapter! Firstly, I think I should tell you that as you chapters increase in length, your writing style and your writing in general improve a lot! There are always only tiny little things that tell a lot about your writing and I must say that your story has definitely gotten a lot better in terms of that! So, great job!

I really liked the content of this story. The way you've described Lily's emotions with respect to her return to Hogwarts is great. It's good to see that she's recovering to some extent that Hogwarts has a good impact on her emotional state. I think that it's fitting. The way you described her sentiments in the start is the way Harry felt whenever he returned to Hogwarts so it's actually a good idea to make his mother feel the same way about the school. I really like that! =)

I think you did a good job with Dumbledore and McGonagall! Dumbledore was his usual self, happy yet serious. I liked him. =) One thing I think I missed though was why didn't he send the letters to Lily and James? Why did he ask them in person? Is it because he knew that Lily's parents had passed away and was giving her time? Ah, McGonagall. I liked her here. She was her dry self which was exactly how she's supposed to be so that's all good. =)

The idea of the common room password is awesome! I really like how they've got to tell a secret of theirs along with the password! It's so creative and fun and I can't wait to see what kind of secrets they tell to the portrait! =P A very good idea, I really liked it! Keep it up!

Also, the part where Lily and James argue, that was very well written. I'm never able to write their fights in such a convincing yet adorable way so great job! I really enjoyed reading the part where he asks 'We haven't moved past this yet? Don't you get that we are made for each other?' This was one of the best sentences of this chapter! I loved it. =D

I'm loving the story so far! I hope you liked my reviews and that they've helped you in some way. Feel free to PM me with anything you might wanna say or ask, I'd be happy to help. =) Until next time, Good Luck and Happy Writing! =D

-Cal

Author's Response: I'm so happy you made that connection between her and Harry's feelings to Hogwarts! Though Lily (my head Lily, at least) did have loving and supporting parents, she was still shunned by her sister for her magic and that's going to eat at your soul a bit, so by making Hogwarts her safe haven, it just really made a lot of sense to me.

I am always so nervous about writing long chapters, I'm afraid I'm rambling or loosing interest or something, so it is so refreshing to read that it got better as it got longer! Yay!!!

Ohhh I have so many fun ideas for this common room password, you just wait :D!

That line of James's is one of my favorite, also. It really shows how arragont and childish parts of him can still be. Yes, he's an amazing man, but he is still spoiled. He still expects to get what he wants, simply because he wants it. That line was a nice way to remind readers that our darling James has far from changed over night.

The argument was really scary to write, I even made my fiance read James's lines with me to see if it sounded natural :S. haha!

I am so excited that you liked this one!!! You have put the hugest smile on my face and made my day! I am very excited to re-request. And your reviews have been way past helpful to simply amazing! Thank you, m'dear!


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Review #23, by apocalypseBefore They Fall: Hogwarts Express

29th June 2012:
Hey! This is apocalypse, finally here with your review! I'm SO sorry I've taken almost ten days to come over and review your story. I've been pretty busy with other stuff (including procrastination =P) so I couldn't come over before this. Really sorry! And I read in your request that you wanted chapter five reviewed. Well, I don't really review like that, so I suppose you'll have to request up to five. =) Also, I don't think you remembered but I've already reviewed chapter one. That's why I'm currently reviewing two. I'll review two and three and then come back for four and five when you re-request. I hope that that's fine =)

Anyway! Over to the story. Well, I have to admit that the way you began your story, I was a bit doubtful as to how this would turn out. But now, after reading this chapter, I'm very happy with everything! :) I really liked the entire chapter and I feel that you've done a great job with establishing reader's interest for your story. I'm definitely intrigued by your plot line and the way you've started with James and Lily. It's on rare occasion that Jily avoids cliche so I'm happy that you did that in your story. Having James and Lily bind over her grief is something that I've barely seen before so great job! I love the concept! =)

The flow so far is alright. It seemed a bit jumpy initially but as you explained everything and made sure that Lily's thoughts provided a suitable medium for us to find out what happened withe everything, the situation became clearer and everything got better. I actually began enjoying and it was pretty easy for me to follow through. =)

The characterization so far, is somewhat believable. I agree with you A/N about Lily not falling for James instantly so I'm glad that you're keeping that this way. However, I'm a bit doubtful on James' character. Even though I think that you're doing a fine job at the moment, I just thought I'd say that you should try and keep him from getting too soft. You know what I mean right? I mean, sure he's seeing her go through so much and he deeply cares for her, but perhaps, their closeness level should be lessened a bit. She's going through a lot and needs support but I think that her friends should give her some of that and not only James. I hope you know what I mean. It would be easier to develop their relationship in the upcoming chapters rather than just indicating that the feelings have already started to change.

Overall, I'm pretty happy with the emotions of the story! I loved loved loved the start of the chapter where you've given line breaks to give a broken affect. The way you use your words to describe Lily's emotions is great. Keep it up! =)

-Cal

Author's Response: Hello, darling! Thank you so much for doing my review anyway, instead of skipping me! That is very sweet of you. Cliches... man are they a sneaky trap. I have to have certain things in this due to Canon, but it's important to me to make those things my own reflections of how I see Lily and James.

This second chapter is a bit choppy, party to reflect Lily's crazy sense of emotions, party because grief is a really tricky thing to write. But I think I have it so I'm okay with chapter 2, for now ;). Chapter 1 has undergone some editing, also.

Haha James, Soft?!? Don't say that to his face ;)! Don't worry, I completely see where you are coming from and I'm happy to say our beloved arrogant James potter has not been completely lost. I don't know if you'll love where they go from here, though. They do have a few set backs (it's James, poor guy messes things up sometimes) but for the most part they do remain really strong. Hopefully I can ease you into it though so it doesn't put you off!

I completely know what you mean, and I'm happy you've pointed these out because it does help to remind me to focus on everyone else and not my precious Jily. Good new is, this story does open up into the world of Hogwarts quite a bit more from chapter four on.

I am so happy my descriptions of Lily's emotions were good! Depression is terrifying to write, especially for someone like me who can fix any bad mood with a chai tea! Some times I yell too.. but.. anyway.

Your CC has been amazing, I LOVE the praise and I love when you tell me what you like, but CC is really the only way to get better so I'm happy you are dishing it out for me! Don't ever hesitate to do so!

Thank you so much, Cal!


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Review #24, by apocalypseDiamonds into Coal: Second-Best

19th June 2012:
Hey! This is apocalypse, here with your review! Firstly, I think I should congratulate you and this story in my review for winning the Story of the Month. It totally deserves the title and I'm pretty happy for you. :) I'm glad I nominated it too. :D

So, over to the review now. I really liked reading this chapter. In my opinion, it was quite important to your story to show how Venn and Helena were living after the meeting. I really loved the way you portrayed Venn's thoughts making sure that they were dominated by Helena. The way you made him compare every woman to her was an excellent way to show how much he's gotten involved. I think it was pretty sweet to know that someone as proud as Venn can have such feelings and can actually feel the need to know a woman. Great job!

I really liked your incorporation of the Blacks and the Lestranges. I suppose that it's inevitable to not include them in a Slytherin story. Where there are purebloods, Blacks and Lestranges should be present. I really admire the way you think, making sure that you've given a thorough explanation of everything and have researched everything. To me, nothing seems historically incorrect; it all comes together to paint a perfect picture of the past. Wonderful job. :)

I was very surprised when Venn ended up at Helena's. For some reason, I hadn't really expected that to happen as I hadn't really thought of Venn as someone who acted without thinking. :P My mistake. I should've realised that when one think's with one's heart, they can definitely do things they wouldn't normally do. It was really cute of him (If I may use that word; it doesn't suit Venn but it describes his actions perfectly :P)

I really liked the way Helena reacted the way to seeing him. Even though she might have been shocked to see him, she remained calm and barely showed anything more than mild surprise. According to me, that's what a lady is supposed to be like. :P I'm happy to see that Venn also effects her to some extent. Can't wait to learn more of her thoughts in the upcoming chapters!

I also really liked the conversation between Salazar and Venn in the end. He's Slytherin but still he looks out for his nephew. I really liked the way he tried to guide Venn. Somehow, it's a twisted advice and it won't turn out good but still it's good to know that he contributed something be it good or bad for Venn. :P

Well, that pretty much it from me at the moment. I hope you like this review. Feel free to PM me if you want to ask something or need any help with the story. I'd be more than happy to help. :) Until next time, Good Luck and Happy Writing!

Author's Response: Hi! -cowers at the length of time it has taken to answer this review- Thanks so much! I was seriously so honored to win SOTM :)

I definitely want both Venn and Helena to come across as multidimensional people. I think it's especially important to do that with a Founders story, just so that the characters seem relateable. I mean, I don't consider myself an impulsive person, but I definitely have done rash things before in my life. So yeah, I wanted them both to reflect that. I'm glad you see it with Venn and feel that it keeps things fresh, and please let me know if you feel like Helena isn't as balanced.

I definitely went back and forth for a while about which old pureblood families were worthy of inclusion here - the Princes were a leading contender, but that's personal bias on my part - and I'm glad you approve of my choices. I agree, it wouldn't be a really Slytherin story without them in it!

I'm glad you liked their little meeting and Helena's reaction. To me, a love story just isn't complete without those little secret moments :) As has become tradition, I'm planning to return to her perspective in the next chapter, so hopefully you'll be satisfied with her reactions to Venn there as well.

Salazar is one of my favorite parts of writing this story. It's like he's always lurking in the background somewhere, and you can never really be sure if he's the hero or the villain!

Thanks so much for this wonderful review, your kind nomination, and your lovely offer. I'll definitely let know you when the next chapter is up! :)

-Amanda


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Review #25, by apocalypseVital: Chapter 20

18th June 2012:
Hey! I'm back with another review for you!

Wow. This was an excellent chapter! So much action, all in one chapter, I don't think your story has ever had this kind of stuff all in one chapter before. I loved reading through all of it, was on my toes throughout the whole thing. Really great job!

Elena and her emotions are always described amazingly. I think that she's the character that you really feel comfortable with when you're writing her and it shows. Her character and her personality has been created effortlessly, which makes it more fun to read and very enjoyable to review. I think that you did a wonderful job with her in this chapter too. Her feelings at having lost Simon possibly, her lack of confidence in a few situations and the way she becomes part of everything so easily, I really liked reading all of that. Especially the part where she's in the room with Alice and Frank. That was an amazing scene!

I have to say that I really admire your creativity. The way you created the entire sequence of scenes and carried them out was great. I really like how you invent new stuff and experiment with some of the old one. The part where Alice and Frank where they are defending the door is one such example. There I was absolutely blown away by the amazing amounts of description and the wonderful detail that you had given. The way you described the red and blue lights fighting each other, consuming the door's strength, I really had fun while reading that. Your words painted a perfect picture and I must say that it was one of the very good scene that you've ever written. :) I really liked it a lot.

And then, Simon and Elena. Sometimes, their relationship just confuses me a lot. I don't think I understand why Simon acts the way he does. He has a very different way of showing his protectiveness of Elena, he gets more angry than most I've seen and sometimes even aggravates things further. I think that despite being confused and being opposed to this kind of behavior, I can't help but tell you that I also sort of agree with the way you're handling the relationship between the two. I mean, sure they're in love but that doesn't mean that he wasn't in love before and that he's just gonna forget everything and make it easy for them. He's human and he needs time to deal with everything. So, all in all, I think you're doing a fine job with the two. You're keeping the chemistry established but you're making sure that their are enough problems too. Great job!

Ah, the ending. I must say, I'm very happy with the pacing of the story now. It's finally picked up a bit and I'm hoping that it stays the same way. :) Bringing in the Death Eaters, then Moody and now the Dark Mark were quiet clever ideas on your part. There are still things that are loose and need to be tied up together but I suppose that overall, it's working quite well. I bet you're very happy with the progress as I know I am.

Congrats on making it this far! I'm very happy for you and this story. :) And that's it from me at the moment. Hope you liked this review! Feel free to PM me with anything you might wanna say or if you need any help with anything. I'd be happy to help. :) Until next time, Happy Writing! =D

-Cal

Author's Response: Hello!!

Thank you! And yeah, the pace really picked up in this chapter. Also, it was one long extended scene, for the whole chapter, which rarely happens in this story. Often, there's a break in time, but not in this case.

I'm glad that you see Elena's character that way. I think that as the story has progressed, she's become much more of her own person. I've started to sympathize with her a lot more, and perhaps that's contributing to what you said. :)

I'm glad you liked the battle/fight scene with Frank, Alice and Elena at the door. I was trying to come up with a way to visualize and show how the fight was going, and the door was what I came up with. I suppose I was slightly inspired by what happened with Voldemort and Harry in GoF, at the graveyard. Though this really isn't the same thing. But it's good to hear that it all made sense to you, and still was an action scene without them being able to see their enemies.

I'm glad that you understand what is happening with Simon and Elena. To an extent, it really isn't pleasant, and Simon isn't dealing well with things, but he has lost someone he loved before, in a slightly similar situation, and his worries about Elena's safety aren't unfounded. What they need to do is talk, and right now, there just isn't time for that. Which is causing all sorts of communication issues...

I'm definitely hoping to keep the story moving pretty quickly from this point forward. And I know that there are loose ends for a lot of things. Of course, it's hard to have lots of exposition in the middle of battles, and I don't want to dump the "big reveal" (not that there's one huge secret) at the very end, but things will be explained.

Thank you for that! I'm glad to have your support! It's great to know that people are still enjoying the story :) And of course, I loved the review :D Thanks very much!



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