I'm not especially fond of the journal style writing. However, perhaps it is more appealing to a younger female audience. Good luck with future chapters.Author's Response: Thanks so much! Report Review
Hey! Nice work! I really like it. At first, I thought the language and stuff was a little crude, but then I thought about how Mel might actually be, and it seems fitting. I guess I'll have to suck it up!
The writing is very colloquial and informal. It's almost like Mel is telling this story to a close friend. It took me a little while to get into the style, but as long as that is your intention, I think it is quite an effective writing tool. Hold onto that, but please don't take it too far.
The more chapters you write, the more reviews you'll get :) So keep writing! Report Review
Pretty cute and nice. I like the way in which you incorporated the song.
Why did you choose to italicize all of the quotes? It's a little off-putting ... And I don't quite get the dashes (sometimes they're used and sometimes they're not).
Good job, though. Will you continue with this story type? I'd say you have a knack for it.Author's Response: Thank you! Ah the dashes are a little mania of mine... I thought as I was mixing talk with descriptions so much that would keep any confusions away =) Add to that, the Italic style. To separate them =) But yeah you're probably right... I do take it to an extreme hehe! I believe I will yeah =D I love music and getting stories from it and from the ooother type... Yeah that might go on too hehe ;) Thanks again! xx Report Review
Nice description. I can almost see the scene unfolding. I wish I knew who the girl was ... I guess I have to keep reading.
Formatting is a little weird. Why did you choose to italicize the entire chapter?
And onto chapter two ...Author's Response: *grins* Thank you very much for reviewing..
This prologue was actually a scene from two years later, so I thought of italicizing everything so it would emphasize the scene.
Oh and you`ll find out who the girl is...soon. ;)
-Failed_and_Forgotten Report Review
I see what you're trying to do here and I commend you for attempting something original. I think this format could be effective but not as is.
For one, there simply must be punctuation. I find it too distracting to read otherwise. Also, since the entire thing is essentially dialogue, could you not use an alternative to quotes. I would suggest more of a script set-up. Something like:
Malfoy: (enters house) I am a jerk.
Hermione: (smiles enthusiastically) Yes, indeed you are.
Malfoy: But I love you ...
Something like that. It's just a thought. In any case, keep writing. I'll move on to the next couple of chapters now. Report Review
I am intrigued by the premise but you didn't quite hook me with this first chapter. Maybe it's needy on my part, but I'm looking to really be captivated!
Occasionally, some of the dialogue was confusing when you were missing dialogue tags. Also, you may want to go over these a little more carefully before submitting. Simple stuff like run-on sentences and changing tense can interfere with my enjoyment of the story.
Keep at it!Author's Response: thanks for the review Report Review
I quite like this. Very excellent character development. James and Tyler, in particular, are well portrayed. One thing to watch: be consistent with tense. I find it difficult to read when you keep switching between past and present tense (sometimes even within the same sentence). Pick one and stick to it!
Hope to see another chapter soon! Report Review
Nice first chapter! I'm looking forward to working through this one. You have a fantastic writing style; your diction is perhaps the best of any of the authors I've read on here. Keep going! Report Review
There are a couple of things I'm finding difficult to believe based on the way Rowling portrayed Voldemort:
a) He was so obsessed with immortality that he would never have even considered the need for an heir. I can't imagine Voldemort ever going to such lengths to have someone carry on for him when he dies if he never intended to die. Do you see what I'm getting at?
b) Also, aside from Bellatrix, all of the prominent Death Eaters are male. I would imagine (this is more speculation) that Voldemort would want a son to be his heir. I just can't see him saying a daughter is "perfect". And how could he not even name her?
Sometimes when you're writing a story like this it helps to take a step back and ask yourself, "Would it really happen like that? Would the characters really react/behave/think in that manner?" It will help you to avoid plot holes.
Just some thoughts. Keep it up!Author's Response: I had those same thougths but I just couldn't think of a way to get them into the story the right way. In my mind Voldemort only wanted an heir just to have an heir to train and have worship him unconditionally like any child would. Also to be the father he wished he had. I felt he was more concerned with power than anything else so he could even work with a powerful witch. I understand what your saying and I hope this helps you see my deranged way of thinking. Thanks for the review. I hope you like the rest of the story and I'll see what I can do about the holes. Report Review
I like the premise. I've always wondered what would happen to the Malfoys after being caught somewhere in the middle following the Second Wizarding War. There are some small grammatical and diction errors but overall it's decently written. Also, I think if you made the chapters longer (I know this one's the shortest but still) it would draw in the readers more.Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Lubi Report Review
Great job! I'm very intrigued, because there are so many similarities to the tale of Harry Potter but it kind of sounds Tom Riddle-ish too and I'm sure you will add your own spin to it as well. I would've liked to see a little more content in this first chapter; I need a bit more to bite onto! One thing to think about: maybe try making your paragraphs longer. Having such short paragraphs really interrupts the flow of the story. For example, consider joining the 3rd, 4th, and 5th paragraphs. There are many instances like this throughout the chapter. Otherwise, can't wait for the next installment! Report Review
This is too choppy. Can you please fix the formatting? Hopefully that will help.Author's Response: What do you mean when you say it's too choppy? Are you talking about the flow of the story or the spacing? I'll re-read the story to check out the flow, but if you're talking about the spacing there's a minimum amount of space required between paragraphs. Thanks for your review, though. Report Review
I can't understand why there haven't been more reviews for this one. It's brilliant. Your writing is a little disjunct at times, but overall it's very good and intriguing. Work on keeping it smooth and flowing. Another thing, the formatting didn't work out I guess. There's far too much space between paragraphs. Can you change this please? It might explain why people haven't taken the time to read the whole thing and review it. Please keep writing. My thought: Is it just a coincidence that Tom shares his name with the Dark Lord? Cheers!Author's Response: Yeah, I'm working to get the formatting fixed :P
Chapter 2 is a bit slow in coming mainly because I'm trying to make it smooth, so thanks for the suggestion :)
And Tom's name was a bit of surprise. As of right now, his name is merely coincidence, but we'll see. This story is already starting to create itself. Report Review
Thanks for sharing. This is kind of cute and fairly well written - definitely a one-shot that's worth reading. Keep writing! Report Review
I'm a little upset with how Harry is portrayed here but perhaps that's the effect you were going for. The character you created (Warren) is over-the-top dramatic which is neat for a one-shot like this, but if you developed it into a longer story I think she would need to reveal other sides of her personality. I'm interested to see where you would take this so I'd say you should continue it. I'd like to see Harry re-enter the plot maybe with some jealousy for Malfoy. It's up to you, of course! Report Review
Reading this has made me think a lot about this possibility. Of course there was far too much detail in seven years for it to all be a dream, but let's consider the possibility. It seems logical that Harry would invent a better reason for his parents to die (subconsciously or not). It's not very noble for them to have died in a car crash, but being murdered saving their son is much better. In fact, if you look at the entire series like this, it is all somewhat logical. Harry is a nobody in the muggle world so maybe he invented this magical world to build himself up. So I can kind of see it, but it would be a terrible ending. Thanks for bringing this idea up. I only wish you had taken a little more time to draft it up to avoid the typos and such. Report Review
This is a pretty good start. I like that you mimicked situations from our world in the Potter-verse (i.e. going away to college after high school). I also enjoy reading something lighter on here; it's unique for sure. However, it seems a little predictable where it is heading. I would like to see something unexpected happen in the coming chapters. Also, be careful with your verb tenses. You wrote mainly in past tense but sometimes you switched to present tense. Consistency is the key! Dialogue can add to stories but in your case I thought it sometimes detracted from where your story was going. I would try to avoid long conversations where each person responds with a short rebuttal. It's very disruptive to the flow of your story. Good luck on the rest! Report Review
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