Hi, this is Faux from the forums with your requested review. Sorry it took me so long to get around to it. Arranged marriage stories really aren't my cup of tea, but I'll do my best with this. You said in your review you wanted advice on writing style, so here are my suggestions -
Your main character seems to be in danger of becoming a Mary Sue. So far I'm getting that she's rich, sarcastic, and used to getting what she wants. I think it would be great if you added some dimension to her character.
I think that this story would work well as an original story, but it seems odd set in the Harry Potter universe. For example, she got a car for her birthday? I can't picture a Pureblood figuring out how to work a car, let alone buying one. It would be a little more realistic if she got a broomstick or something. That's just a small detail, but there many phrases throughout the chapter that seem characteristic of the Muggle world.
As I say to everyone I review, I think that some more description could improve this story. It's always good to get your readers grounded in the action.
FauxAuthor's Response: Hii thankyou
Yes there is certainly more to her. Don't worry.
Draco allowed his children to do what they please and this pleased her. She will have those as well.
I will take you up on that!
Thanks once againn
Em Report Review
Hi! I love a good James II/OC. :) James is so cheeky!
Generally I'm not one for transfer-student stories, but I think that as Emily is connected to the canon through Lavender, it sort of makes sense that she'd go to Hogwarts. I wish there had been a bit more explanation of her life in the US and why she didn't go to Hogwarts to begin with.
I also think the chapter could benefit from some more description - obviously we all know what Platform 9 3/4 is like from the novels, but I'd love to see it through Emily's eyes.
Finally, she talks about her sister's death in a sort of matter-of-fact way, which seems slightly unrealistic. (I know it's not easy to write about the loss of someone so close, though.)
Overall, a nice start!
Faux Report Review
I'd like to start by saying that I have a crush on Louis. Like when he opens to door in low-strung pajama bottoms. Heeyy there...
Now, ahem, important stuff.
I liked Frankie a lot in the opening of the chapter, and I think the beginning was very strong in terms of characterization and description - but I feel like after the first scene in his apartment, we don't really get much about him. I'm curious to get to know Frankie better.
After the first scene, I think the chapter could definitely benefit from some more description (maybe of Frankie's workplace or of the infamously gorgeous Healer Sean?)
The Frankie/Louis relationship is already very engaging, and I want to read more!
Faux Report Review
I've always wanted to read about a portrait! :D
Phineas seems very Phineas, which I appreciate. He's snarky and lazy as he is in the novels, but you've also given a good sense of the psychology behind the sass, if you will. :) It's interesting that he mirrors Sirius in that they're both trapped/restless.
I think Dumbledore must be a difficult character to write (I'm too scared to try). His dialogue in this chapter seems almost a bit too proper. I suggest this to literally everyone I leave a review for and it might be getting old - but I think it really helps if you read your characters' lines aloud. That way you can actually hear each line and detect any awkward/unnatural phrasing.
So original! I love it.
FauxAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing.
I am glad you liked Phineas' characterisation and liked the analogy with Sirius.
Yes, Dumbledore is way too difficut to write and I was really wary of writing the few dialogues I did, so I'll try to make his lines fit in better with canon. Thanks for the tip, and the review, and the 10/10! Report Review
Wow, this was heavy.
I always find it amazing when I come across someone here who can take a really sensitive topic and write it with maturity and realism, which you've definitely done. I think that the flashback was the strongest point of the story, because it was the longest, the most descriptive, and the most emotionally engaging.
I think you could have done a bit more with the ending. You got me thinking about the whole Azkaban thing, because it doesn't make sense to me that a case like this would land somebody there. But we've never heard of another place for people to go. It sort of brings up the question of justice and whatnot in the wizarding world, and I would have loved to have seen a bit of discussion of that. Then again, maybe that's not what on Georgie's mind at the moment. Some more detail about how Georgie's coping with the guilt and sadness would bring the story to the next level.
Faux Report Review
I LOVE IT.
This relationship is so real that it made me cry because it reminds me of my own. I'm not even that sure what to say other than wow, but I'll do my best.
Astoria is a great character. Although the whole "I'm sexy and I know it," she's definitely flawed in the way that she makes generalizations about people, so I'm not really getting any Mary Sue vibes. And Draco seems to be nicely in canon. :) Great descriptions, great dialogue.
I think that the one thing you could do to improve the chapter would be to have Astoria come to a sort of catharsis where she realizes that the reason she has to, has to, HAS TO leave is that Draco's still in love with her sister. You started off the chapter with her being sort of huff about Draco not wanting her to smoke. I think it would be great if for most of the chapter, she's rationalizing wanting to leave him because she doesn't like him trying to make her act like a lady - and then at the end, she realizes that it's a lot deeper than that, that she knows he loves Daphne even though she's been trying to hide it from herself.
Really wonderful job. :)
FauxAuthor's Response: Hi m'dear! Thank you so much for this awesome review! I actually saw that you reviewed it from your post in the Gryffindor common room :P!
I love your suggestion! Honestly, I probably won't end up ever editing this piece. It's one of my first, and it's nice to sort of compare the older and newer pieces and see what areas I've strengthened. That being said, I do think your suggestion was awesome! And if I ever do decide to edit it, I'll absolutely credit you!
Thank you again for stopping by ♥
"Lestrangement" made me chuckle. :)
This was a short chapter, but it was full of lovely description, and it got me thinking about Andromeda and her place in the Lestrange family, which is something I hadn't given much thought to before.
I'm guessing that you wanted to leave things a little vague in your intro to give an aura of mystery, that kind of thing. I usually like to see at least a line of dialogue in a chapter, but I think it's okay not to have one here. I think the chapter could be improved by adding some more of Andromeda's actual thoughts though. Getting into her head a bit more would ground readers in the story, and help them to identify with Andromeda.
Faux Report Review
This is the first Founders story I've read in a while, and I love it!
First of, I think that Slytherin and Gryffindor are characterized very well throughout the chapter (even Gryffindor's physical description is fitting). I'm not sure if this is meant to take place before any sort of kerfuffles started happening between them, but I would have liked to see at least a little tension in their relationships over the whole Pureblood supremacy thing.
I have two little canon problems that are probably going to make me seem annoying/over-attentive, but I'm okay with that. First off, I'm pretty sure it was Dumbledore who discovered the uses of dragon's blood, so Gryffindor and Slytherin wouldn't have known them, would they? Then again, maybe some were known and Dumbledore put them together. Or something. Also, Blast-Ended Skrewts are an invention of Hagrid's (I think?), so Gryffindor's reference seems a bit off.
The dialogue and prose in general were very good - the danger of trying to write a Founder's era story is that most people aren't too used to writing that time era. But you've managed to write it without sounding too modern or too in-your-face-Shakespearean, which is a pretty serious accomplishment.
Faux Report Review
I was really curious when I saw this story, because it's a scene I've always wondered about. :) On to the CC -
One thing that I think the chapter could use is a bit more description. I have trouble with it myself, but it helps me to try to think from the character's pov - what he/she might notice during all the action.
All of the characters are nicely in order and seem to fit the canon pretty well, so points for that! Your dialogue is mostly well written, but Luna's seems a bit awkward in places. Reading dialogue out loud always helps me, so I suggest that if you'd like to edit, you go over Luna's lines out loud.
Great chapter. I'm always impressed when people can capture a lot of feeling and action in a one-shot. I think the scene has special significance because we know that Snape is Neville's greatest fear (at least as of his third year), and he manages to conquer it to try and get Harry his sword. A Gryffie through and through. :)
Faux Report Review
I realized that I mixed up your character names (Lorcan/Lysander) in the last chapter and now I feel like an idiot.
Anyway, this is definitely what I was hoping to get after the first chapter. Lorcan is a well-rounded character, and his relationship with Dominique is a many-tiered, three-dimensional one. Your characters are definitely a strong point of the story, because they seem very human and interact in human ways. Even their dialogue seems natural.
Again, I wouldn't have minded a bit more description of the settings in this chapter. There's no desperate need for it, though. I was so caught up in Lorcan that I didn't really mind. :)
Another great chapter, can't wait to see where this goes!
Faux Report Review
I'm so glad this review battle thing is going on because it introduces me to stories like this! I love this idea. Throwing in an LGBT character into the next-gen mix really brings the whole Potter universe up to the next level.
Lysander's situation is definitely interesting/engaging, and he's already a sympathetic character, because he's got so much going on in his head but he reigns it in, and doesn't really let people come close. I like Hugo and Teddy, too.
I think that one thing you could do with this chapter is go deeper. First off, with some more description to ground readers in the setting of the chapter. Second, with more detail about the individual characters, their personalities, and their connections to Lysander. Like I said, I really like Hugo, Teddy, Dom, and Lorcan - but at the moment their personalities aren't entirely distinguishable.
Great start! Off to the next chapter.
Faux Report Review
Hi! This is Faux from the forums with your requested review! Sorry it took me so long to get around to it! I love the idea, and I think you've written it very well. I just have a few points to go over, and I'll go scene by scene -
During the first scene, you deal with Rose's "madness" pretty well. She's clearly just completely lost in herself (she reminded me a bit of Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island). However, I wish that at some point in the chapter (not necessarily the first scene) you had alluded to the cause of her mental illness. Has she always been like this? Is there some traumatic event that put her over the edge? As it's a one-shot, I would have liked at least a bit of explanation.
The dialogue in the first scene is a bit awkward. I know from experience that it can be really difficult to write dialogue for a character who's in a lot of emotional pain. Maybe going over some of Scorpius' lines and reading them out loud would help?
I like the ending, though I think it could be improved by breaking up that first big paragraph in the second scene and lengthening everything out a bit. Maybe some more description of Scorpius as he's walking into St. Mungo's, or the things they've done to try to treat Rose with magic (I assume there would be some kind of magical treatment), or even of how Rose's family are coping with it.
Overall, a job well done.
Faux Report Review
Hi! Faux here for the swap. So, before I start with general review-stuff, I'd like to say that I'm not the person who goes around "aww" in left and right, but there were a few moments here when I couldn't help but "awww."
The overall plot of the story is, obviously, adorable, but what I really like are the small details. For example, Katie's "doe-eyes." Doe-eyes=doe=Lily=parallel between past and future. I love Katie's character overall. She's very real, with a protective outer layer of playfulness that shields what's underneath.
I do have a problem with one part of the story - Katie's line: "Good! I don't think I've been felt up this much since my cousin visited last summer."
Right. Not sure if I'm interpreting this wrong, but it sounds like an allusion to familial sexual abuse. As someone who's had experience with that kind of thing, I have to say that offhand jokes about it are really, really, unfunny. I'm sorry if I'm being weird and misinterpreting, though.
Very cute! Thanks for the swap.
Faux.Author's Response: Hello there, thanks for the awesome review! Wow, I'm glad that I got you to "aww" ;) such an honour.
I'm happy somebody picked up on the doe-eye allusion :) Yes, she kind of hides herself underneath her responsibility of "best-friendship". Thanks!
Oh snap, I forgot about that part. I think I put it in as an attempt for her to keep the mood in the closet "light," but I can see where a massive interpretation within the context can arise. It's totally fine, I'll probably go in and change that part (as well as the million grammatical errors)
Thanks again for reviewing, very helpful comments,
soapman333 Report Review
Hi! Faux again. :)
This is clearly a completely different kind of story from the ghoul one, and I'm a bit flummoxed at your ability to write both hilarious ghoul stories and dark Voldemort stories.
Tom Riddle's character is a fascinating one for obvious reasons, and delving into his head was very interesting. I've always wondered about the cave incident - you rounded it out for me nicely, leaving it mysterious enough to still give me chills, while explaining it enough to give a good idea of Tom's motivations and feelings. People rarely handle Tom Riddle / Voldy's character well - I think it's hard to, because most people tend to think in extremes when it comes to good and evil. This story was brilliant because it touched at something important and true - that there is no dichotomy between good and evil. There are no "good" people or "bad" people, just people who make different choices due to their experiences and the chemicals in their heads. You did a great job at outlining some of those experiences and making Voldemort a real person, rather than the unrealistic Dracula-Joker-Saurumon type guy.
Your narration style is simple (which is appropriate because the speaker is a child), but clear, composed, and clever (which is fitting because the child happens to be Voldemort). I love the narration because it evokes the narrator's personality, the mark of a really good writer.
I have no idea how you packed so much awesome into such a small space. I honestly just wish there were more of it.
Thanks for the swap!
Faux.Author's Response: Hi again!
I think the reason why I managed to write both stories is because they came to me just randomnly, and I wrote them down before the plot bunny left. I mean if I did that for every plunny I would have some seriously weird stories:D
I'm glad that you found going into his head was interesting, as I really find him fascinating, so I loved getting into his thoughts!
I wanted to explain Tom's actions with reasons behind them, as I do believe he didn't do them unprovoked, as he seemed to do everything for a reason.
I'm glad that you felt I showed that there was no clear cut line between good and evil, as I feel a lot of the time especially with HP, people tend to do that a lot, and I wanted to show that you should look more carefully before judging. I'm glad that you felt Voldemort was a real person, as he was at this point, and it was only later on, that he turned into something non-human.
I'm glad that you liked the narration, as it was rather different to anything else I had done, so I wasn't too sure about it.
Thank you for such a great review, it again made my day:D
-Kiana! Report Review
Hi! Faux here for the review swap. So, I scrolled down your author page and was like "wow, everything looks pretty cool," and then I got to THIS and realized that I've been waiting for this story for my entire life. So I read it and laughed for like a solid five minutes because the ghoul calls Arthur "the leader" and refers to the Weasleys as "the ginger clan."
Now I'm going to go review something else because I don't know what to write, other than this is awesome and I'm probably a better person now that I've read it. xDAuthor's Response: I'm so glad that all the stories looked cool, but it's good that you scrolled down, if it made you laugh so much :D Yeah I laughed the entire time of writing this, and no one in my family could understand why!
I'm so glad that you liked this, as this idea came to me in the middle of the night, so I had no idea, it would turn out well or not, so thank you! And for the lovely comments, they made my day:D Report Review
Hi! I'm Faux from the forums, here for the review swap!
This seems to be a pretty cool and original story so far, though it's a very short chapter. I have a few comments for you -
First off, you tend to switch POV (point-of-view) a lot, and narrate the story from the voices of many characters (Lucius, Narcissa, etc). I like this idea, and I think you can make it work really well if you give each character a bit longer to "talk." Lucius' and Narcissa's scenes were very short, and made the story seem a bit jumbled/confusing. I'd suggest you lengthen out those two segments with some description, dialogue, etc, to round out the characters and the story as a whole. Or, if you think those characters aren't really necessary to the story, you could remove their scenes and tell that part of the story through someone else's eyes.
The AU Granger family is also a bit confusing. I think you could improve the chapter as a whole by explaining each character's relation to the family, and giving a short description of that character somewhere in the chapter.
I'm definitely curious about the wolves! You've got a nice start here. Thanks for the swap!
Faux.Author's Response: You're welcome!! Thanks I really appreciate it! I'll review your chosen story tomorrow as I don't have time now.
Thanks for the advice!
BS Report Review
Hi! Faux here for the review swap. Things picked up a lot in the second chapter and I'm loving it (no MacDonald's reference intended).
In the first chapter with such short scenes, it was a bit hard to keep track of all the different characters, but this chapter made it a lot easier to get a good sense of Camille in particular, and if the story continues in the same vein you'll have some really well-developed characters by the end of it. :)
I touched on this in my first review, but I'd like to say again that I'm really glad someone's writing about this, because I can't imagine that wizards wouldn't somehow try to intervene during WWII. The scenes with the Ziegler siblings are very well-written, and clearly well thought-through/historically accurate. I'd honestly be upset if somebody tried to write this kind of story but didn't treat it right. You approach the subject with exactly the right maturity and gravity.
Your writing is clear and clever, and I like it, though I think that this chapter could use a bit more description. Your description of the lighthouse scene was really good, and I'd love to see more of it throughout the story.
I can't wait to read more! I'm getting hooked.
Faux.Author's Response: I honestly have no idea how to respond to your review -- it makes me melt into a pile of incoherent feels.
I'm so happy to hear such positive feedback from you on this chapter! Hopefully, you'll continue to think that the characters are developing well. I'm also particularly thankful that you like the scenes with the Ziegler siblings -- they're the ones I worry the most about, because I don't want to get the atmosphere wrong.
Thank you for this review, and for sticking a post for this in story recommendations! Report Review
Hi! This is Faux from the forums with your requested review! I'll just jump right in here -
I think your characters could use a bit of work - maybe some background? You've painted a pretty good picture of Raoul through Lucy's eyes, but I didn't feel like I got a good idea of Lucy's life or even her personality, besides the fact that she's a bit emotionally dependent on Raoul. I think that adding more detail about Lucy would definitely save her from the Mary Sue zone. Sure, it's only a one-shot, but you still have plenty of room to develop her character and make her more lifelike. :)
I like your writing style a lot, though in some places your phrasing gets a bit confusing. For example, in the sentence "Fleetingly I remembered my own light green dress, thinking about how we contrasted yet still looked like two pieces in a jigsaw," the phrase "yet still" seems a bit redundant/confusing. I'd suggest you look it over and edit it, maybe reading it out loud (that always helps me). I also noticed a spot or two where you switched between first and third person narration.
I like the plot a lot, except that it makes Lucy seem sort of dependent/weak. The idea of the whole award ceremony is pretty cool. :)
Faux.Author's Response: Hey Faux!
Thanks for the review =)
Oo. I didn't think about Lucy being a Mary Sue... I tried to keep her away from that since obviously she's not perfect since she just listens to what Raoul says.
Im glad you like it. I'll go back and edit that! Thanks for pointing it out =)
Hi! I'm Faux from the forums, aka your review partner for this month, and I'm loving this already! I love crime/detective stories and I wish I could find more good ones here!
I love your style. Everything about the case so far makes sense (no detectable plot holes or anything like that) and the atmosphere is very crime/detective-esque, like the opening of an episode of the Mentalist. xD I'm already very curious to know where everything's going - especially because of the last sentence of the chapter. I'm guessing Parvati didn't kill Diggle, but there's a world of questions there. Nice cliffhanger.
I was a bit skeptical at first about having Harry, Ron, Scorpius, and Teddy all working as Aurors at the same time, if only because I'd imagine Harry wouldn't need to and Ron wouldn't want to keep working for too long. But with Harry as the Head of the Department, it makes more sense.
I like the characters so far and can't wait to get to know Scorpius and Teddy better. I'll probably stop by for chapter 2 in a week or so.
Faux.Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review!
I tried very hard to fill in any plot holes I found and I'm glad you liked the first chapter! Report Review
Hi, this is Faux from the forums, here for the review swap! :)
I like the beginning a lot because it jumps right into one of the central issues of the story without any fluff or boring introduction. Keeps you on your toes and makes you want to pay attention.
I love Molly's character because she's strong and clever and ambitious. Definitely no danger of a Mary Sue here. I also love the issues that you deal with in this story, because it's pretty rare to find a well-written story that deals with a Next Gen war. So cheers!
I think that there are two things that this story could benefit from. The first is explanation - in the beginning, everything's pretty clear, but as you get into the war things get sort of muddled and confusing. The second is description.
Thanks for the swap! Hope this was helpful!
FauxAuthor's Response: Hey Fauz! c:
I... have never been good at fluff. It puts a smile on my face to hear you say you liked the beginning. I really loathe writing beginnings, and this was lovely to hear.
Really? I was a little worried about the Mary Sue. I imagine Molly a little bit of a Ravenclaw - and so in this story she did end up being a Claw. I considered her a Snake but couldn't really imagine that all that much.
I'll try to thicken the description - thanks for telling me that. And yes, I will defintiely figure out how to explain that all better. Truthfully, I confuse myself. Report Review
Hello! This is Faux from the forums with your requested review. Sorry it took me so long to get around to it!
So, this is obviously a very original idea, because you don't get a lot of stories here that take any historical events into account. That being said, it seems a bit strange to combine WWII and the Harry Potter universe, because there have never been any references to it in canon. I'm not saying I don't think it's cool - I'm just saying that a lot of explanation is going to be needed to connect the two worlds coherently.
Because this is the introduction/first chapter thing, I wasn't really bothered by the short scenes, because they allowed a quick glimpse into each character's life. I would definitely not advise you to continue the story like this, because it reads a bit choppy, and makes it difficult to really get into the action of each individual scene, or to get a good idea of each character's life.
Not many typos. One grammatical suggestion I have for you is the sentence at the end of Camille's scene, "It is not the first time she kills." This was a bit awkwardly phrased in terms of tense. It might read better as: "This is not the first time she has killed."
Nice start! Feel free to re-request later on! :)
FauxAuthor's Response: Hi!
I know it seems strange, though my point when writing this wasn't mixing the Harry Potter universe and WW2, but more WW2 and magical elements, if that makes sense. Magic having existed since the twelfth century, according to the books, I found it logical that wizards during WW2 would have used their power to their advantage.
I'm definitely going to make future chapters slightly less choppy, as you've said this was only for the introduction. However, seeing as I'd like to include Simon constantly, there will still be sections...
Thank you for this review! Report Review
Hey, this is Faux from the forums again! I really only found one thing to comment on:
I mentioned in my last review that you could use some work on description, and again, that's definitely true. I still don't have a really good idea of what Cassandra's like - from what you've given us so far, she doesn't seem to have much of a personality beyond her wit. I'd suggest you start out by telling us what the kitchen's like, what Regulus actually looks like, that kind of junk.
FauxAuthor's Response: GAH! WHY IS DESCRIPTION SO DIFFICULT?!?!?!
Anyways, thank you SO MUCH! I really do need to work much, much harder than I am on my description!
Unfortunately, I'll probably be knocking on your proverbial door again, for another review, just because I'm so terrible at the whole description thing, and you give really good advice!
Hopefully, that doesn't bother you! Report Review
Wow, this is heavy. I've rarely read a story here with so much meaning and characterization and memory and just general awesomeness packed into such a small space.
I love your stream-of-consciousness narrative because it isn't lodged too deep in the characters' heads - there are still descriptions and concrete images. It wasn't too difficult to read, and I LOOOVE the paragraph-long-run-on sentence toward the end! It's glorious! It makes sense for it not to be "properly" punctuated because it's all taking place in Remus' head, a chain of memories.
I love the style, and I love the idea. Cheers! :)
FauxAuthor's Response: Well, that's always a good start to a review. :D
I love well-done stream-of-consciousness, so I'm very glad that you think mine's decent, especially that giant sentence.
Thank you so much for your review! Report Review
Hi, this is Faux! Thanks for the review swap! :)
Interesting idea! There's definitely a lot of suspense and tension at the beginning, which really got me into the story! I like the way you've set up the family - the idea of a Wizard family living amongst Muggles is pretty original.
You do have a few spelling/grammar errors here and there. You might want to find a beta - they're lovely people and it's great to have a helping hand to take care of those little things.
This was really interesting and original! I'm curious to see where it goes! :) Thanks again for the swap,
Faux.Author's Response: Hey Faux!
Im glad you liked it! Thank you so much for reviewing.
Yah I noticed those and fixed them up and now I am just waiting for revalidation haha.
Thank you! I am glad you liked it =) Report Review
Hi! This Faux from the forums with your requested review! I have a few comments to make:
PLOT/STYLE: I am mad into your writing style xD Seriously though, your prose is very clear and clever, and you've got some great descriptions woven in. Especially toward the beginning, some of your dialogue is a bit awkward/unnatural, but for the most part everything flows very well. The plot reads well, though I would've preferred a little more action.
CHARACTERS: I like them all so far, especially Oliver, who's very canon (just grown up). I guess there could have been a little more description of them in there, but as this is only your first chapter, you'll have plenty of time for that.
I love this kind of post-Hogwarts story, because it's about something other than Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Draco! Very fun and engaging!
Thanks for making a request - I had a lot of fun reading your story, so feel free to re-request in the future! :)Author's Response: Thank you so much!
I;m glad you like it so far! I agree this chapter was a bit on the boring side, but in my opinion first chapters always are :P
I'm glad you liked the description, as this is my weak point and I usually forget to add enough in!
Thank you so much for such a nice review :D Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection