First off, I love that this is told through Hannah instead of Neville! It's a great twist to the featuring your chamion prompt. (And I just love Hannah, haha.)
I adore the two of them together! It's just so adorable. And you're really setting this up nicely for the two of them to get together :)
'Impending doom, always a great time to ask someone out.' heh :D
I really, really enjoyed reading this. I like that it was light hearted and fun. I think that you did a fantastic job with the prompts and showcasing a really important moment in Hannah and Neville's life together.
Del<3 Report Review
This was really nice! It feels much lighter than many of the entries for this task, and I don't mean that in a bad way at all. It made me laugh, and I really enjoyed reading it.
I really think you slipped in the prompts nicely, they don't seem out of place or forced at all. Good job!
I enjoyed that this was just Cho, stumbling into a mess because she wanted to visit a friend. It's cute, and really shows what she can do when faced with things she doesn't expect.
Del<3Author's Response: Thank you! I've read some of the other entries, and a whole lot were serious, and looking back on my story - it was so different from theirs but I'm glad you liked it :) The humour had to be very subtle here, but I'm still pleased you picked up on it. Thanks for reviewing, and see you around at the forums!
Linn Report Review
I was in tears at your first paragraph. I love Neville so much, and have read plenty of stories with him and his parents, but none of their actual death. This is just astoundingly touching.
I also really love Hannah in this. She's so supportive and reads Neville in a way that only she can, and you really show their love for one another.
The image of Neville on the floor is so powerful. I can't count the times I've ended up in that position out of grief, and to see Neville, someone who I view as incredibly strong, there is a bit overwhelming.
I completely lost it at that letter. You really did amazingly with this piece.
Del<3Author's Response: Don't cry! It wasn't intended to make people cry!
I love Neville too and I think sometimes he gets a raw deal in fanfiction! I think Hannah is genuinely amazing at being supportive and from Canon I can simply imagine her being like that which is great.
Neville is just so heartbroken!
I'm glad you liked it! Report Review
Ahh, this is so cute! I love the idea of using the classroom setting to fit in all the prompts and show Neville. And I love how he's still a little nervous about it :)
Hahah, I love that he let them go free so he could go back to the greenhouses. He seems like such a natural teacher here, even though it's not the subject that he excels at. I think you did a really good job at showing him outside of his element :)
Del<3Author's Response: thank you I did try and make sure that it was nice and cute story. I also felt that Neville would make a great teacher. Report Review
I really like how you've chose to show a literal form of Cho 'facing her dragons' with Cedric's death and everything that came after. It's not only fighting the dragon that will help Cho, it's actually facing her own feelings, and both tie together wonderfully here.
'and didn't have an oven which needed cleaning either.' - that made me laugh.
Cho's memories of Cedric's death are extremely emotional. You really handled her dealing with death wonderfully and tastefully in this.
You did a great job showing the game of cat and mouse between Cho and the dragon as well. It could've very well come out awkwardly and unneeded, but your descriptions and pace were fantastic.
Del<3Author's Response: Hey there! Yeah, it sort of stemmed from the idea of Cho seeking closure after the tournament and somehow this came out O.o She's sort of facing everything: herself, the dragon, Cedric's memory, her grief... everything. Kinda intense, lol.
Yes! Random comedy is always good! Unintentional - but good! :D
Thank you! I'm so glad you thought that. Death and grief are obviously very emotive subjects and I tried not to be over-the-top or too comical with it or to make Cho too obsessive (by the time this is set, Cedric's been dead for four or five years, after all). And yeah, the whole cat-and-mouse thing... well, a dragon is a predator, right? It was a predator/prey thing, really :P
Thank you so much for this wonderful review!
Aph xx Report Review
I like how this centers around Severus instead of Salazar. He's such a deep, complicated character, and this was great.
'Lily, Potter and their baby' - the way he thinks of the Potters in his own mind is great. It really shows the different ways in which he views the three of them. Lily will always be his first love, Potter bullied him throughout school and 'stole' his love from him, and Harry is the child he wished he had with Lily. Even in just doing this, you really show his feelings towards them.
I love the little touches you added about Severus's and Lily's childhood. It was really sweet and touching :)
I did see a few mistakes here and there, but where as this was done for task one and in so little time, it's to be expected. Overall, I think this was really good.
Del<3Author's Response: Thank you! This is an amazing review, totally loving it :)
ML Report Review
The thought of Neville following in his parents' footstepts and becoming and Auror is great. It is something that I can see him doing, as he really flourished in leading the DA during the Trio's absense. I do like how you included his affinity for herbology in among this as well, though :)
The line 'After a Horcrux, this ought to be a cinch' made me giggle. I really like how you have Neville reverting to his insecurity in himself, and then this. He is amazing, he just doesn't always realize that, and you show that perfectly.
Neville's use of the Imperius curse shocked me, to be honest. I think you went about it wonderfully, though. He spoke it without thinking, without really choosing to do so, and you really show that with how he recognizes that it was a foreign feeling for him.
Haha, oh my gosh. I can only imagine the look on Ron's face after Neville tells him it's a bunch of spiders.
I didn't realize the summary before your note. It was really ingenius of you to incorporate that into the story the way that you did!
Congrats on winning best overall, you really deserve it, this piece is amazing!
HufflepuffAuthor's Response: Hi there! Neville's Auror days is canon. ;) He was an Auror with Ron and Harry after school for a little while before he went on to be an Herbology professor, so that's why I used that here.
Neville's use of the Imperius curse shocked a lot of people! I'm surprised at that, I must say. Not to refute anyone's opinions, but all he did was make a dragon go to sleep. That and it was done to fulfill a prompt. But yeah, if I were writing this as something really serious and not hypothetical or anything, I probably wouldn't have made him do that.
Thank you for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Wow. How you worked in the properties of Neville's wand is fantastic. Good at defensive spells. Oh, how I wish he didn't have to find out just how good it was in the way that he, and so many others, did. In that one little line, you really captured just how much impact the war has had on Neville, and his peers.
'It was a pity he didn't trust the rest of us.' - this line. Oh my gosh.
I am speechless. Parvati? I'm honestly tearing up right now. How you described her falling is so simple, and yet so powerful. Everything is rushed in Neville's mind, as I'd imagine everyone's would be at this point in the battle, and you really capture that.
Wow. You did fantastically with the prompts given and just the manner in which you wrote this. Neville is amazing here, and you show us a completely other side of him. Great job.
HufflepuffAuthor's Response: Hello!
Oh, thank you very much for reading and reviewing my one-shot! I really wanted Neville to appear detached from the battle going around him - at the end of the day, they are still students and it is his classmates who were dying.
Your review really made my day and I'm so sorry for the late reply! Thank you again, Keira :) Report Review
This gave me chills. Even in the first few paragraphs, the emotions that you capture are amazing. And so, so complicated. Getting what Cho felt after the death of Cedric and the start of her relationship with Harry out in words must've been incredibly difficult, but you did a truly amazing job.
I love how you included little things about Marietta. We only ever got to see her betrayal, and there is so much more to her than that.
Cho really is heartbreaking here. I don't think I can say that enough. My own heart clenches at reading what she's going through here.
I'd never though twice about Cho's ability to cast a patronus before this. It really is something interesting. She's heartbroken and extremely confused. The swan is a beautiful choice of patronus. Was that canon, or did you pick it for a reason? I think it's incredibly fitting; Cho is absolutely all of those things.
Hufflepuff Report Review
Your use of description is beautiful. You add little bits to the scene and phrases that aren't seen normally, and it creates a truly realistic world. It's very easy to imagine Cho in this.
I love how you show her only using a select group of spells. There is so much variety and chance with magic, it's almost disheartening that it comes down to only using certain spells.
I also like how you give the reason of the hunting of the Firebrands as being their value, instead of fear. It was also a great way to work in a few of the prompts, which you did without it feeling forced :)
Oh, Cho and Cedric. Besides briefly in Dumbledore's Army, we never really got to see how Cho dealt with the death of Cedric and how she moved on with her life. It's really touching that you show how she's never moved on from him, and how she still loves him. It really shows her loyalty and the depth of her love.
"Good morning Cedric." - gah, I wasn't really expecting that. And for it to be the first piece of dialogue, it really holds power. Her obsession truly is twisted, and heartbreaking.
For being rushed, this was fantastic. It was a bit dark, but really made me smile. I think you did a great job with this.
Hufflepuff Report Review
First off, I like how you didn't have Neville as the main character and narrator. I feel like this isn't going to be something we see a lot of in this task, and it really sets your piece apart.
Also, the way you've included the themes through Neville's speech is astounding. The manner in which Neville speaks is amazing; it really makes me wonder what happened to him. It's not eloquent or well thought out, it's choppy and emotional. The emotion Neville has when speaking to Lloyd is really touching.
Cruciatus damage. Oh my gosh. I did not expect that. At all. I thought maybe one of the dragons had caused so damage, or something.
I can't even think of what to say. Wow. This is more than amazing, I think you did an extraordinary job in turning the prompt on its head. I never would've expected something like this.
Del<3Author's Response: Seriously, thank you so much for this review! It put a huge smile on my face. I wanted Neville's speech to come across as sort of regressive, like a child's perhaps, so I'm pleased that seems to have come across. The Cruciatus curse causing neurological damage also seemed perfectly plausible! Aww thank you, I've never been one for tradition when it comes to writing!
Thank you for reviewing! Report Review
I like how you fitted Neville into Harry's role in the tournament. It's interesting to think about, as he was the other baby the prophecy talked about, so one change in the past and everything would've been about Neville.
Have to admit, I snickered at the candle line. (And at 'go Neville you beast!' Great!)
I like your use of the dragon blood! I found that the hardest thing to work in. Good job :)
I'm really impressed with your narrative. You stay true to the Neville from canon, even though he's the Boy Who Lived here. And his nervousness was entertaining.
Del<3Author's Response: Thank you for the review. Wasn't too sure when posting as most of my fics aren't quick spur of the moment works, I usually work for months on each little detail before writing them up, so I was a little iffy on this.
I was almost gonna leave out the dragon blood but thought it might work in there so I gave it a whirl, worst that happens is people tell me it feels out of place.
Also glad the candle line worked, it felt too focused so i wanted to add a little humour to it as well.
Big thanks for reading and especially for reviewing too. Report Review
The look into the past:
I love your narration here. It feels as if someone is telling the events of the past, which is something I don't see a lot here. I absolutely love that style :)
Great introduction to the Potter children! I look foward to seeing how you develop their characters.
"You don't get very far, being the wife of George Weasley, if you take little jokes to heart." - I LOVE THIS LINE. George <3
Fred and Roxy are wonderful. The way they pick at each other without being sincerly mean or ill-intentioned is great. It's the way siblings should be :) And Dom! Oh my goodness, what a sourpuss. Unless she's just joking, hah. I get the feeling that she's not though...
Oh man, I don't get good feelings from the Ron side of the Weasley family. Everything up to this point has been an introduction; this is where things really start happening. I can see a lot of trouble coming from Ron and Hermione working out whatever problems they're having and the kids dealing with it. And once the family finds out? Gah, I can't wait to see how/if you play that out. The Weasley family surely is something chaotically special.
Ginny and James. Goodness. I can completely see this happening, especially because it's Ginny! She's always been like that, haha.
"Let's first describe Rose and Hugo, I suppose." - this line seems a little out of place to me. Only because although you've been using a 'let's tell a story to the reader' style, but you haven't used I/me/my before this.
Oh, Lily. I'm really liking how you're portraying her! The family interactions are great, as well.
Percy. Pshh. That's all I have to say about him ;)
Alright. This is rather long, haha. I love the style in which you're writing this. The breaks don't feel intrusive to me, and the heading of sorts before each section is critical to understanding what's going on and humorous. I really like this, it's a fantastic first chapter.
I do have a few notes, though. You seem to like hyphens a lot. There weren't any misuse of them in this chapter that I noticed, but you just might want to look out in future chapters. Sometimes hyphens, when used poorly, can detract from the writing.
And the last one is really just a pet peeve of mine, feel free to ignore me! You write out some of the numbers in numerical form, something that makes me cringe. I was taught that if a number is under 100, you write it out. Like twenty instead of 20. There are a few exceptions, like with the Platform. This is just me, though, don't worry about it! :)
I really like this chapter! Can't wait for more.
Del<3 Report Review
Another amazing chapter :)
I really think that Al and Alexa are handling this amazingly well and realistically. They really show that they are mature and that, even though they didn't want or expect this to happen at all, they're willing to find a way to make it work.
I have so many questions about Daphne and Draco! Like, what happened to make Theo dislike them so much. But I'm sure you'll answer them in time :)
I did notice one mistake:
"This kid is gonna be me and Kieron" - I think you left out 'with.' It's the only big mistake grammar wise that I noticed. On that note, your grammar is amazing!
Del<3Author's Response: Yeah, I don't normally read stories about teenage pregnancy because sometimes it feels over dramatic. So, when I decided to join the challenge and write one, I wanted it to be different. I'm glad it's showing because I've been a little nervous about it, as it's very new.
They will be answered, yes. :)
No, I wrote it like that intentionally. It's like saying the kid will be the same as them; kids who go to a parent for a weekend. She's saying they'll be the same. Or that was how it was meant to come across as; literally being like its mum. But, if a word should be needed, I think it'll be 'like.' Maybe - "This kid is gonna be like me and Kieron." I don't know. lol. But thanks for pointing it out. :)
And thank you so much for the review.
Sam. Report Review
I have to say, I really like this so far. I haven't read many pregnancy fics because, honestly, they've all seemed to be the same. What you've done here is different from what I've read.
I really like that all of this is happening after Hogwarts, as it just seems improbable that a pregnancy would occur at Hogwarts. Also, you've written both sides of the story here, not something that I've seen a lot of. Most of the time, the girl keeps it a secret from everyone; I'm really happy to see Albus freaking out and worrying about Alexa.
I adore Alexa as an OC. She's fantastic, really. She seems so real, and her relationship with Albus is amazing. The way they started as friends out of convenience and grew to be such good friends, and the fact that there wasn't really any underlying romance between the two. There's a lot of potential for their friendship.
I'm really impressed by this. I think you've done an amazing job with the topic.
Del<3Author's Response: Hello.
This is my first time properly writing a pregnancy story. I rarely read them, but this just wouldn't go away, so I decided to give it ago. I'm glad I did and I'm glad you like it. :)
Thank you so much for leaving this amazing review. :D
Sam. Report Review
Wow, this is incredibly touching. Even though it covers the span of their lives in one chapter, you touch upon the most important parts of their lives and make them real.
The emotion that Oliver felt when Madeline fell, and that of Madeline when she got the call about her father. It's just so real.
Your imagery is fantastic as well. I love this, so much.
Del<3Author's Response: Awwh, thank you! That is so sweet!
Your review was so nice, and it encouraged me a lot! Thanks a ton!
Ever Report Review
This is perfect, so perfect.
I really can't think of anything else to say about this. I've sat here and read it through a few times, and just can't stop crying.
I love it.
Please forgive this rather pointless review, hah. Just wanted to let you know I love this so much.
Del<3Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I am glad that you liked the story. No review is pointless! =) I am glad that I was able to get the proper emotions across.
-SR17 Report Review
I really liked the insight into Lucius's mother. We never learned much about her, or his father, in canon. You did a good job showing pieces of what she was like and what she meant to the young Lucius.
Narcissa seems to remind me more of Pansy than herself here. I can't picture her vying for Lucius's attention the way that she does. She may not have been the lunatic that Bella was, but she certainly was a proud Black daughter. I am interested to see how the whole Narcissa/Lucius/Sage thing plays out though :)
Del<3Author's Response: Yep! I've also had the same comments about Narcissa ^_^ For her character, I plan on tweaking a little bit of who she originally is for this story, to accommodate the plot; same goes for Lucius. As much as possible though, I am trying my best to let, both the Lucius and Narcissa characters, keep their aristocratic/ superiority attitudes.
Thanks for the review!!! Stay tuned for Chapter 4; it's been in the queue for almost 2 days i believe... should be up soon ^_^ Report Review
This was a good introduction to Sage. I can see the future interactions (and possible relationship?) with Lucius being very interesting and entertaining. Good job!
I did notice a few grammar and spelling errors, nothing major. Other than that, it was a nice chapter.
Del<3Author's Response: Thank you!
I've decided to get a beta on the current chapter i was writing. I figured that it would be a lot better if i had extra eyes to spot my mistakes and help me keep in track with the plot and the characters ^_^
I hope you enjoy the other chapters ^_^ Report Review
I really love how you set the tone of Lucius's emotions through the rainy weather. I picture Lucius as showing very little emotion in public settings, so the way you did this seemed fitting to me.
I did get a little confused in the beginning. They're on the train, but there's a table in the compartment? It's just little things like that that can confuse the reader. I also can't really picture an incoming first year sitting with older students, unless he's related to one of them, but that's just me, so it's not a big deal.
I really liked the flashback that you wrote. It really shows what Lucius's state of mind is going into this year. The way the flashback was announced, however, broke up the flow for me. Maybe it would be better to set it in italics or inbetween line breaks?
Also, there's really not transition from the train to the sorting. It's like they jumped to the castle all of a sudden.
Lucius, the way your portray him here, seems to be very much like the book Lucius. He's seen as very cold and emotionless in the books and films. I can completely see this as being true, but we've also got to remember that he's only a fifth year here. I think it would be really great to see a breakdown from him, whether it's just out of anger over something or about his mother's death. I think you did a really great job in setting up his character :)
I've got to go get lunch, but then I'll be reading the other chapters!
Del<3Author's Response: Thanks a bunch for the awesome feedback.
Uhm, for the compartment thing, i think i chose the wrong term for that. I wasn't picturing the type of compartment where harry, ron and hermione met, i was thinking of the area where harry was eavesdropping on draco and the other slytherin students, kinda looked like an area where students can have their meals while on board a train... it was in Part 1 of the deathly hallows i believe.
I received the same comments about the flashback announcements so on the 5th chapter (soon to be posted) i'll be using line breaks :D
Im still working on transitioning :D
Thank you for your feedback on my version of Lucius. More info on him and the characters soon!
Thanks! Report Review
Wow. I think that you did really great with this!
I love the first part so much. To me, it wasn't a sword fight, but more a battle of wills between the two. Harry and Ginny have always been very convicted in their beliefs and feelings, and I'd imagine would clash beautifully in some situations. That's how I saw them being surrounded by water and fire. I don't know if you meant for that to happen, but I think it was beautiful.
The change of tone had me smiling like a school girl. It was just so cute. And so fitting of their characters.
"Everyone else had abandoned the game." - so true. Harry, Ginny and their peers all had to abandon their childhood, that I can absolutely imagine the two of them clinging to something like this.
Del<3Author's Response: Wow thank you so much.
I'm glad you liked it, and thank you or going all detailed on me, that was actually really cool to see your thoughts on this.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Lizzie Report Review
I like the break in action here. You use the meeting as a tool to tell the read just how bad the war has gotten.
Muriel! I can completely see that coming back to haunt them. Especially after Bill's comment that she's very influential.
I agree with your author's note, this seemed like the best place to stop. The length of the chapter is fine, given the information and (possible) foreshadowing that we're given from the meeting.
I think that your characters are believable and true, so far. The back and forth with the Weasleys seems like something that would happen. I love Ginny here :)
Del<3Author's Response: I haven't decided what'll happen to Muriel yet but I can say that she will come back. I'm thinking as a spy for the Death Eaters maybe...
I'm glad you agree!
That's a good thing that you think the characters are believable and true! I worry that Hermione gets a little OOC later though...
Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Great chapter. The flow of the action was smooth and easy to follow. I admire Andromeda here, she's so brave. The fact that she recognizes that Ana will aid the war more than herself, and fights until the end, is extremely touching.
The tension within the room is almost palpable to the reader, you did a fantastic job portraying the mood of the war. I like that you used George as a bit of comic relief, it really helped ease that tension and was like a little glimmer of hope.
I love that you implemented the voting system the way that you did. Being a sorority girl, I see this happen every week at meeting. We never saw much of it in canon, and I think that it's essential to decision making. Although, I do think it would be acceptable and necessary to throw it out eventually, when the war gets tougher, the harder decisions need to be made and put into action immediately.
The ending gave us a glimpse into Ana, which I think is great. She's not just a fighter, she's a human being, and you show that simply and beautifully.
Del<3Author's Response: I do like Andromeda... I wish I hadn't killed her off... Who knows though? Maybe it wasn't a killing curse and they captured her!
Yo're right. She is a human. Even BA'S in awesome epic actiony movies show a bit of a human side.
Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
This is definitely very different than most fics. The direction is interesting, and this was a great introductory chapter.
I feel like there could've been a little more background, though. For instance, how did the muggles find out, when did they decide to join the fight, how have the Death Eaters gained such strong numbers so quickly. Forgive me if I misunderstood the timeline, but if Voldemort fell a month ago, it seems (to me) that more time would've been necessary for such a huge movement. Especially if the Order is down to only holding ground around Godric's Hollow. More background would make it more believable, although it doesn't seem unrealistic now.
Your grammar and sentence structure is fantastic. I didn't notice any errors, besides a forgotten period here: "there were those that supported evilness, though[.]"
I think this is a really good set up for an intense, chaotic war story. I look forward to seeing where this goes :)
Del<3Author's Response: Huh. That's a good point. I guess it's so clear in my head I just assume everyone knows what's going through my head. I think I'll start woeking on a prequel short story after I finish this one that'll start at the Battle of Hogwarts and go until the setting up of HQ in Godric's Hollow!
Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
This is a really interesting concept. I've seen plenty of Rose/Scorpius, but never anything that starts after they're in Hogwarts. I quite like the idea, it's a refreshing change.
However, I do find it a little hard to believe that Harry would've stayed on the Auror force so long. We know that he does after the final battle, but I've always felt like it was more out of obligation and not knowing anything other than fighting, than actually wanting to fight.
I did notice a few run on sentences:
With a final scowl at Scorpius[,] I barged past him
as I looked over at Scorpius[,] who was glaring angrily
witness had put 'Purple Chicken[.]' [N]ow I highly doubt the
And this sentence:
You would be better off putting Mum and [a]n old exam paper graded with a D in a room for 5 hours
-The grading scales are different in this world. There is no D grade, so perhaps it'd be better to change it to a Troll? And (this is just a pet peeve of mine, not all that important) the general rule when writing numbers is if it's less than 100, you write out the words. (Or less than two words, or less than some other number, depending on where/how you learn it. I learnt the 100 thing.)
I think this could definitely be very good. It's all a matter of how you explain the new Death Eater rising and how things have changed since Harry's Hogwarts days. I'd say this is a pretty good start :)
Del<3Author's Response: Thanks for poiting out the mistakes. I really need a beta reader, but no one ever wants to do my stories so I'm stuck using word which is painfully useless.
I'll change the grade to Troll just so it wont bug you anymore because I'm a nice person ;)
And I never learnt the less than 100 thing o.o So I always use the numbers instead of writing it out. But I'll take that into concideration for next time and probrsbly edit it.
And once again thanks for the wonderful review and I'm glad you liked it.
Snoopy x Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection