Wow what a terrific first chapter. I've been meaning to read your story for a while and now that I have read the first chapter, my only complaint was that I should have started sooner!
Just from this first chapter I can tell that this story is going to abide by the canon - something I love and can appreciate. You have the characterization of the characters down to a tee. I can definitely learn a thing or two from you about maintaining Rowling's characterization.
You write dialogue well; it flows from line to line to the point where I can fully imagine these characters having the conversation. This may seem a mute point, but it's something easier said than done. Your dialogue makes the reader relax when reading the story - I personally am not distracted by the odd syntax or wording of your sentences. I don't mean to bore you in this review, but you do it tremendously well, so thank you! As an English student, I can whole-heartedly appreciate it!
As far as the story: great job at starting with some action (that was written beautifully, by the way... I could imagine every line as if I was watching a movie) - you got me hooked right away. I love the little tidbits of creativity, like the Death Eater prisoners betting on Peeves from their cell. Subtly hillarious! You showed the characters' emotions regarding the deaths of their friends in a very believable way that seemed realistic and most importantly, not fake. Simply showing the different things at Madam Pomfrey's disposal was cool because it was something that is not given alot of attention to in the novels other than Skele-gro... it adds real depth to your world. Finally, you've got the quirky, comical side of the wizarding world down pat making your own creative additions to the wizarding world fit in seamlessly. Bravo!
I can't wait to read the next chapters in your story - you most definitely have a reader in me! I've (at this point) got 28 chapters more ahead of me so I can't wait plunge in to the story over the break! Excellent start to the story! I'm very curious where the story goes from here!Author's Response: Hi and welcome to the story! I'm so glad you started reading and enjoyed the first chapter so much. And thanks for leaving such a lovely review. This is my first fan-fiction, and also the first novel-length piece of writing I have ever done, so to get comments as nice as yours is really encouraging. The writing definitely still has some rough edges that could use smoothing out, and there are places I notice that the story lags too much especially in the early chapters, but such is the learning process. I'm grateful that readers are able to enjoy the story despite the flaws.
I'm glad you enjoyed the action scene in this chapter. I thought it would be a good way to get the story rolling. Action scenes are something I seldom see in most HP fan-fiction since a lot of writers seem to focus on writing romance, so I made a point of deliberately including some action in my own story, both in this chapter and others. I;'m glad you thought it was well written and worked.
One thing I've really been striving for is to get the feel of the magical world and the characters 'right', so I was delighted by your comments that you thought I had the characters and dialogue believable and right. One character I know I didn't get just right is Shacklebolt. I never really got a good sense of what he was like or how he talked from the books, so the dialogue I gave him in this story is pretty generic, so I apologize in advance for that.
Another thing I tried to do was to make the story fell well-rounded. There are plenty of scenes I put in that have nothing to do with the main plot, but that I wrote just to add richness, humor, or detail to story that I hope readers will enjoy the same way I do. I really appreciated you mentioning the things you've noticed already and letting me know you like them being included.
With regard to canon, let me just say that while I've tried to keep the story close to canon, it's not strictly canon. There were times when I deviated a little on purpose, and sometimes a little by accident because it's been a long time since I've read some of the books. My aim was simply to write a good story rather than trying to make every little thing agree with canon. But I hope it's close enough for even canon lovers to enjoy.
Well, all of the nice things you said in your review really made my day! It was certainly a pleasure to hear from you, and I hope you'll enjoy the rest of the story as much as you've enjoyed the first chapter. I do update regularly, and usually post a new chapter about every 3 weeks.
Hey, good to see this story with some new chapters!
That was quite intense at the end there! I have to say that this chapter was probably my favourite thus far from top to bottom. I am still in disbelief over what has just happened and I am quite intrigued by Malfoy's new organization as he seemingly has begun to build his own army.
I find myself having no idea how this story is going to end. Usually, I'm pretty good at guessing where the story's path will take the characters but this time, I'm just eagerly awaiting the next chapter - because I haven't got a clue!
Really enjoying the story - keep up the great work!Author's Response: Thanks a lot for the great comments. This story is actually completed, I'm midway through the second book of the trilogy. The problem lies in the fact I struggle to get a good internet connection and I have to wait up to ten days every time I submit a chapter before I can submit another, but I do try and keep this updated as fast as possible. I'm uploading another chapter now and that should be available in the coming days.
Keep reading, and I'll keep up the great work!
Rhys. Report Review
Loved Ron's reactions to Krum - I think you characterized him in that situation perfectly. Great to see Krum get what was coming to him!
Really looking forward to your interpretation of the World Cup which I assume is coming up very soon.
Get the rest of this story validated ASAP!
(PS. Good to see Canada pull off a few upset victories!)Author's Response: Yeah, I loved writing Ron for this chapter. One of my favourite chapters to write this was. And Canada ain't so bad :)
Thanks for the comments!
Rhys Report Review
Aw, what a great chapter. I can say now that you officially have me hooked!
First off, loved the way Harry proposed. You wrote it absolutely terrifically. To top it off, couldn't help but beam at Mrs. Weasley's reaction. Hopefully everything goes right for the young newlyweds!
Though this was obviously the main point and my favourite part of the chapter, I really liked the Quidditch game scene. One complaint though - you couldn't have had Canada score a few more points in the Quidditch game? We're terrible in everything else except hockey - I was hoping our Quidditch team could have held their own a bit more, but alas, it was not meant to be.
All joking aside, great chapter and story so far!Author's Response: Haha, sorry about the Canada thing! In my defense, I didn't purposefully pick out Canada, I just picked a random team and used them for that position in the league. :P It could have been anyone else, call it bad luck haha. And I actually like Canada anyways, I'd love to go to Toronto one day! :)
Thanks for the great comments as always.
Rhys. Report Review
Draco's becoming a nasty piece of work isn't he? Though like some other Dark Lord I know, extremely smart and very charismatic.
It was good that Zabini challenged Draco a bit there - as a reader I was not completely sold on Draco being this new evil force but he has proven to me in this chapter he will do what is neccessary. He seems to have given this not only a lot of thought, but a thought that is plausible. Terrific first step!
I'm liking your story more and more as I go, keep it going!Author's Response: Again, your words are as good as money :D Really appreciate every review I get! Report Review
Really good chapter here.
Was happy to see you included Andromeda and Teddy in to the story. Nice touching moment with Harry giving Teddy his present. It will be interesting to see how much you include Teddy and his relationship with Harry in this story and in your subsequent sequels (assuming this due to your banner!)
Also really liked how you explained the Quidditch World Cup draw. We never really got an explanation on how it works, so I was glad to see you included that. A little more of the magical sport in your novel is a welcome addition!
Intrigued to see where the story is going! Keep it up!Author's Response: Assume away! This story is actually completed, and I am uploading the chapters as fast as I can. I'm also five chapters in to book 2 so yeah, you can start thinking about how these characters will be used.
I'll say Teddy is more of a side-character in this one but will become more of a main character in future installments. Report Review
I really like this chapter!
The new direction you are taking with Draco is quite interesting. Though his mind seems firmly entrenched in what he wants to do, his ever-beating heart is slightly holding him back - or at least having him question what he is doing subsonsciously. Very interesting character!
The wand and the parchment are also very plausible artefacts that fit in well with the 'Harry Potter world'. Loved the old man's story about the objects and how they came in to being.
Really good story so far, now on to the next chapter!Author's Response: Thanks alot! Every review is genuinely the best payment I could receive for writing this.
Rhys. Report Review
I'm glad you were able to slow the suspenseful pace somewhat. I think its neccessary for the audience to be really shocked when that next big surprise happens instead of constantly being thrown in to the fire.
However, you were still able to interestingly further the story without any form of suspense. The vision/ memories that Trelawney sees at the end of the chapter really adds some intrigue to the story. Can't wait to read Chapter 6 so update this story soon!Author's Response: I will have to update now. I think I will make the update of this story my main target next time round. Thanks again for the review and watch out for the update very soon. Report Review
As shocked as I was to find out the mother was Moaning Myrtle, I find that it really fits in well with the story. It may help to explain her behaviour we have all seen throughout the main books. I've got no idea whats going to happen next (and that's a good thing!). 10/10 for this chapter! (Though this was probably achieved just for the surprise and suspense of it all itself!)Author's Response: Thank you so much. Others have been just as surprised. Thanks again for the awesome review, and rating. Report Review
Lovely story. You almost had me in tears for a moment there and that does not happen often! You really did a terrific job with your imagery here and the moment where Ginny sees Harry for the final time was very emotionally touching. Great work, I look forward to reading more from you. 10/10Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to review. I'm so happy that my story could touch you so. Report Review
Wow. This is some of the most beautiful writing that I have seen on this entire site. In 500 words you are able to catch every aspect of what I always imagined Azkaban to be like. You said things that I had thought of but never as able to put the words to it. In other words, you characterized how Azkaban would feel, not just look, smell etc.
This is excellent work. Now that I've read this I'll definitely be looking at some of the other work you have to offer! 10/10Author's Response: Wow -- thank you so much for such a beautiful review. :3 It really made my day to wake up to this! Thank you!!! Report Review
I really really liked it. I'm glad you chose to write about this brief time period as I think it adds a realistic dimension to possibly the most pivotal part in the entie 'Harry Potter' saga - after all, it was the moment that everything started.
I found you were effective in tapping in to the emotions of the situation; it was a part of the storyline that we never really had much insight to, and I felt this story really brought it together nicely. Knowing that this is a one-shot, i appreciated how you did not try to do too much, which would make it uneffective. You did the small things really well with this work.
Hope to read more from you soon!Author's Response: Ah, thanks! I'm glad you liked it! Report Review
Very interesting prologue, indeed. I really appreciate you taking the time to follow the original canon and storyline; it makes for the story as a whole to seem more realistic. I think it is interesting that you have taken some of the facts that we know (Kingsley becoming Minister) but have added their own personal dilemma to the situation. Excellent work!Author's Response: Thanks, I like Harry Potter too much to change any of the canon, but I like to expand on it Report Review
Wow nice surprise there with Trelawney! Really feel like the story has an even greater potential now because there are so many things that I could see happening with that storyline. The frantic pace you are working at is adding another bit of excitement to the story; I wish it was a bit longer! Now I' m wondering where you are going to go with this next. Good chapter, going to read on!Author's Response: Glad your still enjoying the story. I thought that Trelawney would be the perfect person for the honour of being the daughter. I wanted to try and explain about why she always seemed such a clueless person most of the time. Also the idea of her being adopted would explain how she was a rubbish seer. Working on the next chapter now. Thanks once again for the fab review. Report Review
Absolutely loved it!
I find your portrayal of Harry to be extremely realistic, which is much appreciated (its a subject that I find we have many similarities on as I'm also writing a novel in the same time frame as yours). Your writing is flawless; you have the characters down pat and you wrote in a way that seemed to fit in with what I identify to be 'Harry Potter' but at the same time, you put your own spin on things which made it unique.
This chapter really shows your talent from a creative stance too; i especially loved the creative bits about the thestrals pulling the carriages. Its small moments like these that really make the story stand out and makes the reader able to identify with the world that Harry is in now.
Excellent work, can't wait to read more!
10/10Author's Response: Holy cow.you are really, REALLY to kind. This review was beautiful and totally made me beam at my computer screen like a moron :)
I've been so horrid at updating but I've actually been writing this fic lately so hopefully it'll be updated soon! :) Thank you so incredibly much for this beautiful review, darling!
~Chelsea Report Review
Love how you picked up the story right after the final duel, thought that was really cool. Very intrigued to see where this unique story is going right now, good work!Author's Response: Thank you. Please keep reading, more surprises to come. And please feel free to read any of my other stories and tell me what you think. Report Review
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