Reading Reviews From Member: thewhiteking
7 Reviews Found

Review #1, by thewhitekingPsychopath: Chapter One

13th December 2011:
Excellent story. Sometimes it felt a little slilted, a little jerky, but an excellent first look into a psychotic mind. From my personal research into this kind of mental illness, you could add in other details - let Pansy believe she sees him speaking to her, that she can see something in her eyes that leads her to believe he really wants her.

But fantastic none the less.

Author's Response: Yeah Sorry about that :) I wrote the story in one evening. But I will re-write soon :)
I will consider the possibility of writing a prequel, I think it is a good idea! :)
I'm so happy you liked it!

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Review #2, by thewhitekingInstinct: Instinct

16th April 2011:

I see what you mean about the disalogue sometimes being stilted; this has a feel of being relaxed. The way you use long sentences give a relaxed feel, after all, if I've the time to type all this, doesn't it just feel...casual? Cut your sentences up. Feel, don't think. Take the train of thought and halt it. Curve it. Feel it turn. Turn again. Twist, a hard left.

Do you see the point I'm making?

I'm not sure how quickly she'd escalate, but it was a good exercise in noting how easy it is to slip into doing bad things for the sake of good. I'm really unsure that she'd throw in the killing curse; I suppose there's no parallel in your world.

Still. Pretty good. I'm gonna throw eight.

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Review #3, by thewhitekingFinally: Finally

15th April 2011:
Lovely. Good characterisation, strong dialogue, really liked the sorting hat. Very enjoyable.

Author's Response: Thank you! Usually dialogue is my downfall because it gets to be stilted or cheesy, so I'm glad this was enjoyable for you:)

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Review #4, by thewhitekingThe Walls We Build: The Walls We Build

15th April 2011:
Fantstic. Absolutely wonderful characterisation. I cannot fault this, and if you knew me (which presumably you don't) you would know that's a huge thing for me to say.

Wonderful. 10.

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Review #5, by thewhitekingHermione, how it began.: Not so muggle after all.

14th April 2011:
Really interesting premise and I'm excited to see where it goes. Nicely written too. One thing. If it's the day before her birthday it'll be 364, not 365 days. Because a year is 365 days.

Minor quibble. Otherwise nice.

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Review #6, by thewhitekingLiving In The Dark: My Beginning.

14th April 2011:
What is this!? You've just repeated the same paragraph 6 times!

So confused.

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Review #7, by thewhitekingThat Night: That Night

13th April 2011:
Hello hello!

First review...I'm nervous. Right. Awesome premise, and they way you've run with it is excellent. The idea is brilliant in theory.

In practise...there are a lot of spelling mistakes. Off the top of my head - "Snape put his hand of Malfoy's shoulder," or "Even know,"

Clean them up, and I see no reason to give you top marks for this. As it is I'm going to be mean and only give you a 6.


Author's Response: I'm glad you liked my story well enough to make it your first review. :) Ah yes, I know I need to go back and do a better editing job on my older stories. =S Thanks for reviewing!


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