first things for layout I'd make the spaces between the paragraphs a little smaller, it will be easier for reading.
And since I'm not a beta I'm not going to pick through every paragraph and every sentence I'm just going to go ver a few things.
You do a great job describing things and the objects around people, which is good, I have a nice clear vision of what and where people are. But I do think you lack a little in the describions of what people are doing and how people are doing it.
For the big long story Malfoy is giving to his daughter, you should develop his voice and how he is speaking, does he pause between paragraphs? Does he speed up near the end to try to get things over. Is he talking slowing and methodically? Describe that!
Also describe where people are in the dining room, is Malfoy at the head of the table, or sitting next to Astoria? Are there shadows that could be described further adding to the foreshadowing and negative tone of the chapter? If you imagine it, write it out, show me what the characters are doing and how they are reacting.
Also a fantastic plot idea, its original and exciting. I can't wait to see what you do next!
I hope this is what you were looking for, and I did truly enjoy reading it
lemonpeeps ox Report Review
second paragraph workers? maybe journalists, writers, editors be more specific.
expand about the warlock, where did she have the interview, was she eating anything then? What was he wearing? Show me exactly what happened.
in stead of showed annoyance, I think" made a face at Tabitha for interrupting her" sounds better
Also I really hate the describing people as wallflowers. It's probably a personal thing because so many people in the world are in love with Perks and Emma Watson. I just think it isn't a very good word to describe people anymore. It's lost its meaning. You should come up with a more specific description. What makes her a wallflower? Put that into words.
Also expand on Rose's regretfulness about not going out when she first decides to not go. Create a contrast to really emphasize how she does want to go out but thinks better of it "Even the idea of a firewhiskey and a large basket of fries was delicious, blah blah blah..."
Also at least where I come from thunder comes first in the storm, you can hear the thunder before you can see the lightening when a storm is coming so I don't know if you want to change that.
Marching footprints i just imagine a person walking quickly but not really having loud footsteps, I'd change it to thudding or thundering footsteps.
I do the same thing, but you write with very small paragraphs. This really isn't a real problem its more of a stylistic problem. Writing with short paragraphs isn't very conducive to producing long elaboration and description which would really take this chapter off the ground. Your writing is very good, it just needs to be beefier. I suggest going back through the paragraphs and really finding areas that you can think of that add description (show not tell remember) and I think that will make a huge amount of difference. If you added maybe two lines to every paragraph, you'll have one nice long juicy opening chapter. A good way to do that is by asking yourself so what to everything. So what she wants to be her own person? what good will that do her? (you'll have an answer and so write that down) So what she wants to stay behind? Why is that important? do you feel me?
I hope this is what you wanted! Of you want me to rereview this chapter after you've edited it just rerequest it and I'd be happy to! Looking forwards to see what you have to say! You have a really good start and I'm excited for you!
lemonpeepsAuthor's Response: Wow! This is possibly the most useful I've ever gotten. I had so many issues with this chapter and I couldn't figure out a way to overcome them and you've helped me so much :D Thank you so much!
You've really shown me where and how to develop vital parts of the story and to make it better, and it's helped me so much. I tend to forget about description a lot, and that's probably my biggest flaw when it comes to writing yet your suggestions have showed me that there is an incredibly easy way to go about.
I like the idea of questioning myself when writing, because I know the details in my head I just fail to put them down in words, so that's a really great idea and I'm definitely going to use it :D
The word changes are a great idea and I'm definitely going to edit them all in, well, in fact, I'm going to include all of you suggestions as they were all so great.
I don't particularly like people being called a wallflower and I really hated using it too, as I didn't know what use in place but I'll expand upon it and think of another way.
Thank you so much for this fantastic review, it was so useful :D
-Kiana Report Review
Reviewer here finally! I'm super behind and I'm sorry about that. But here's my review!
Interesting beginning, I like how you started out. I wish you would describe her house a bit more than just Victorian. Tell me what kind of moulding they used, what the color of the stairs are. Can we see some more personality behind her mother? Your flow was nice, I though it carried very well! Cheers!Author's Response: Hey, Thanks a lot for reviewing :) I'll work on the detail. Thanks :) Report Review
So here pretty much the same thing as the last chapter.
Since there's more dialogue I think you should add more substance to the conversation. Describe the facial expressions, give tone and vocal inflections and maybe body language.
Hope this is again what you wanted!
Lemonpeeps :)Author's Response: Yeah, I've been thinking about adding more of that in - too much dialogue without enough description is definitely a weakness of mine!
Thank you for the review! :) Report Review
In general this was fairly good opening chapter. I think you could make the intro a little more exciting, try to appeal to the senses, give me something to hear, see, taste, touch, smell. Make sense? That will grab reads attention more and add to a more tangible setting.
That brings me to the next part of my review. Your descriptions of things were kind of simple. It being in third person you can illustrate much more than you have. Again appeal to the senses make the room Andromeda is in tangible, make it real.
Flow-wise I thought you did a great job I followed along just fine and there were no dangling parts!
For characterization I think that you would do well to develop the characters a little more. I can't tell if anyone is out of character because they're just not round enough. You have a wonderful start of a story it just needs to liven up. :)
Hope this was what you were looking for!
LemonpeepsAuthor's Response: I definitely know what you mean with appealing to the senses - I've been trying to work that in, but I clearly need to try harder. :P
Thank you for the review! :) Report Review
Aww I'm really disappointed with this chapter, I really don't think Rose and Tom should be together they're like Scopr and Daisy. Just wrong. But on the up side! I'm super glad you're updating again and I really really like the story!!! props!! Report Review
W-o-w! This really blew me away. I've always liked femslash haha it's fun to read but none of the ones I've read really had any depth to them. I think you should chop this up into like three or so chapters to help with the flow. The breaks in this are big enough the a chapter break would be more beneficial. I found that this story was a little rushed at times, I think if you broke it up you could see the areas I'm talking about and re work them so they're just a deep and intriguing as the rest of it. But good job!!
Lemonpeeps oxAuthor's Response: Hi!
Thank you for your review. I know, it seemed a little rushed, although perhaps not to that extent that I needed to chop it up into chapters. Thank you for your review and I'm glad you liked it!
~Soraya~ Report Review
I really liked this chapter. I think you could have condensed the Christmas shopping part a little, it dragged just a bit near the end. The chapter flowed quite well, I didn't have any issues with it in that regard (not that I had any like real issues with this chapter I just wanted to say that particular group of words). I'm glad Bree is starting to open up to people about her mom.
I think you should go a little more in depth about descriptions. I like descriptions (a lot) and the chapter could be way more exciting with them! Show us what other desserts there are, have Bree go searching for her creme brulee (burnt cream sounds so much prettier in French doesn't it). Oh!! And I really liked what the twins were wearing, that made me smile!!
Lemonpeeps oxAuthor's Response: :D Thank you so much for reviewing! And thanks for the tips! Report Review
Ugh! So I wrote you another review yesterday for this chapter but when I check today to see if you responded it showed that I didn't write one!! Goodness so take thee:
I really enjoyed this chapter it answered a lot of questions I had concerning Sara and her wonderful father.
I think that this could be made so much better if you added more descriptions in the first and second part. Maybe develop Harry's reaction more, show me his facial expression or perhaps how his hands move to show nervousness or stress. You could also do the same when he meets Sara. Show me what she's wearing how she reacts when she meets Harry, how Harry looks at her, how she looks at Harry ect.
I also was a little lost in the last bit. The flow was a little sketchy. Maybe rework the conversation so its not broken up by the Quidditch explanation.
But yeah, good job! Keep it up
Lemonpeeps oxAuthor's Response: thanx for the absolutely great response . I am already working on the changes you pointed out. Report Review
This chapter was a little choppy to, the flow from DADA to divination was a little murky. I also did feel that Professor McGonagall was a little out of character, she was a little more condincending than I imagined her.
The dialogue is good, I can keep up and understand what people are saying.
At times I find it hard to tell Brienne's thoughts from what she's saying, so maybe make her thoughts more pronounced bcause she doesn't do a lot of talking.
lemonpeeps oxAuthor's Response: :D Thank you so much for reviewing! I appreciate your time! Report Review
There was one verb tense change in the beginning of the chapter, but that's an easy fix.
I thought this chapter was a little slow, I think you should add a little more detail about Angalina and Diggory and about the match like what's going on in the game. That would spice thing up a bit I think
lemonpeeps oxAuthor's Response: :) Thanks for the tense change tip! I'm rubbish at spotting those, so thanks! Report Review
Poor Brienne! Anyway, I found this chapter a little choppy. It confused me when you switched to Fred's POV and then back. You might want to go back and add a couple transitions to improve the flow of writing between the different scenes.
lemonpeeps oxAuthor's Response: :) It's in third person, so it can really shift between everyone's perspective, but I'll see if I can neaten it a bit :) Thank you for reviewing! Report Review
Once quick little thing the password at the beginning of the third book was Fortuna Major.
leonpeeps oxAuthor's Response: :) Thanks so much! I didn't remember that xD Thanks! Report Review
Off to a good start here! I'm very glad you addressed the whole what-are-you-going-to-do-if-you're-not-af-a-first-year-arriving-at-Hogwarts problem most people avoide when they write about transfer students at Hogwarts!
You're dialogue flowed quite nicely. I like it when people use dialogue (correctly). But I would suggest adding stuff like she replied, or she mused. I think that would add to the characterization a little bit.
I hope this is what you were looking for, normally my reviews are longer but I want to review at least 5 of your chapters so pardon my laziness please :)
ps I love your banner!Author's Response: :) Hi! Thank you so much for your review, and your tip! I'll definetely take a look at that :) Thanks! Report Review
Oh my god! This was so sad!!!
Oh right, in resonse to your request for a review:
The writing flowed quite nicely, my only suggestion follows right in with your second concern about time passing too quickly. I didn't think that time passed too quickly but maybe tell us how much time has passed, I think that would make it flow just a little bit better.
Characterization was very well done, I thought.
And the emotion was wonderful! Not too much and I even teared up at the end!
Just two more things, what happened to Hugo? And maybe add a little more detail to each section. Show the reader what Hermione's dress looks like, how do the witnesses react when they kiss, where did Ron propose? The little things like that would make this fic come to life even more!!
I hope this is what you were looking for and I hope that I wasn't too hard on you. It's really beautiful
leomonpeeps oxAuthor's Response: I'm glad you liked it and thanks for reviewing :)
Thanks and this is defiantly what I was looking for.
Thank you again for this, it's going to make my story better :)
Javct x Report Review
In response to your request for a review:
First, Molly's maiden name is Prewett, Sirius' mother's name was Walburga Black and his father's name Orion Black.
To help th flow of this chapter (it was very very long) I would chop it into three chapters and provide a little more detail in each part. You covered a whole bunch in this chapter but it was rather sparse. I'd do a chapter break right before or after the meeting with McGonagall and another one right before the trio sneaks out to visit Remus.
Characterization was my favorite portion of this chapter. I can tell James really cares about Sirius. The only character I didn't agree with you on was Cissy. I don't think Sirius got a long with any of his family he was the obvious black sheep. But you don't need to change that, that's just my personal opinion.
About Peter being more developed, I don't think he needs to be unless you're planning to use him epicly later on. He's the heros' sidekick all of his life, I think he's prefect just the way he is. If there was a character I'd like to see more developed that would be Snape or Remus. Snape hates Sirius the most out of the four. And Remus is the reason they started the Maruader's Map and sneaking around.
Your plot is very intersting! I like the little sub plot you have going on between Sirius and Regulas/the rest of the Black Family. I want to see how that plays out!
I hope this is what you were looking for! And I hope that I didn't burst your bubble because this is very well written!!! Props to you!!!
lemonpeeps oxAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for reading!!! Yes, my first chapter is way too long, I should definitely have chopped it up. I'm glad you think I have an interesting plot! I promise there's much more to come! Report Review
As to answer your questions:
You approched the Remus being a wearwolf very well. You took it seriously and expanded on what JK Rowling said and made this very not cliche.
Maybe put an * inbetween the paragraphs where the scene changes, that will help the flow a little bit. I kind of got confused when I didn't notice there was a bigger gap in between the paragraphs and you started talking about something else.
Your characterizatin well done, although I would like a little bit more on James. You developed Remus very well, Peter is the obvious sidekick, Sirius I can tell is in the making, but James is still in the shadows.
The first chapter was a little long in my opinion but it flowed fairly well so I wasn't too bothered. Your tension at the end of the chapter with Sirius, does make me want to continue. Props for your hard work!
I did notice that you used 'boy' a whole bunch in the beginning paragraphs. Maybe use other pronouns like the others or the trio. Spice it up a little!
lemonpeeps oxAuthor's Response: Thank you Lemonpeeps! I'd actually thought about making some sort of separation b/w the paragraphs as well, I'm going to that next time! The first chapter was def very long, it was my first ever submission, and now I know to split it up makes for easier reading. I will def develop James in the next chapters! Report Review
Good, full, chapter you had here, plenty of stuff to talk about!
I kind of felt that this chapter went all over the place, I followed along pretty well but some transitions between the common room/Hogsmeade/common room/Andy blast spells over her shoulder would be nice and make it much easier to follow. I'm really impressed with your writing, though, is rich and you put a lot into it (at least in this chapter) props again. I find though that I really don't understand Sirius, I don't know if you mean it like that or whatever, but I really wish he'd come to life a bit more. Also the same for Lily. She and Andy are best friends I think Andy should include her a little more in her thoughts, develope their relationship a little more.
Again I hope this is what you were looking for, and I hope I didn't sound too hard on you, because I really enjoyed reading it!
lemonpeeps oxAuthor's Response: I think I'll work on descriptions - I think that's what you mean about transitions, right? And I agree, that should help. And yes, I was thinking about Sirius just yesterday; I'm going to have to give him more character. I suppose that because Sirius is in canon and featured so much on HPFF, I kind of just assumed that everyone would understand how I perceive Sirius... embarrassingly bad mistake, that is. And I will be giving Andy's feelings about Lily a little more attention, hopefully.
Thanks for two really helpful reviews! :) Report Review
Okay!! How you doing? Good I hope!!
First of I give you props because you wrote mostly in dialogue and that's my personal favorite style to read/write and that you did it correctly!! I know you said in your A/N that you didn't really like introductions, I normally love introductions but it worked here because you were able to introduce almost everything as the chapter progressed. Even as I say that maybe when you talk about the girls add a little more information about them like what kind of a person Em is, why Evie makes fun of people. I kind of found that I got them mixed up because I just had a name to remember them by.
Hope this is what you were looking for
lemonpeeps oxAuthor's Response: Yay! I tend to write primarily in dialogue because when I don't, everything comes across awkward.. I'm glad I've done okay with it. *phew*
Thank you for your comments! My intention is to kind of define the OCs further in the next couple of chapters, and give some more insight. I think I'm going to be building up the setting and the characters and their relationships steadily, as I build up the plot. Report Review
Ahhh!!! Dun Dun Dun.
Just a couple typos, like only two! So good job there. The dialogue was much better in this chapter so props to you, whatever you did worked great and I didn't get confused one time so I made you cookies *passes a plate* I wonder if you noticed that the whole thing is in bold? Just wanted to point that out. I think you should describe what's going on a bit more. Show me what Sara's wearing when she walks in the room. Show me how the atmosphere changes when McGonagall realizes it's Voldemort's daughter. Describe Rose's excitment about hearing that Scorpius likes her and what not. Just keep bringing on the details and the little things that make a story come to life!
You have a brilliant story idea, just keep bringing on the flames!
I hope I wasn't too cryptic in my last little note there, I really don't know how to say it any other way. Keep it up!
lemonpeeps oxAuthor's Response: thnx for the review I 'll keep in mind what you said and try to improve. Report Review
I like where this is going! I noticed there was a bit changing between first person and third person near the beginning ish, right after Sara first began speaking in points. You went from third person to first person and I got confused momentarily.
I would suggest writing out the numbers instead of listing them when Sara talks in points, it's easier to tell who's talking. I also noticed in the conversation between Harry and Dumbledore, Dumbledore speaks twice in a row but you didn't note that, so I got tripped up over who was talking.
And I'm also going to mention again what I said in my last review about labeling your dialogue. You don't have to every time, just when someone speaks first, or twice in a row, when another party enters the conversation and for emphasis!
Hope this wasn't too much to take in!!
lemonpeeps oxAuthor's Response: thnx Ill keep it in mind Report Review
Epic beginning here, you captured McGonagall and Dumbledore very well. I'm anxious to see what happens next!
One little thing here: You used the word replied a whole bunch in the dialogue. I kind of found that just a little destracting. Also it was a little redundant a little (the second a little was on purpose) when you used 'she said' 'he replied' 'she proposed' after almost every line of dialogue. Once you already establish the flow of the dialogueyou don't need to keep repeating who said what. And most of the time we can tell if it's a proposition or a question. Use those words to add an emphasis on the sentence, because over done, they're meaning less.
Okay well there's my little schpeel on the prologue. I hope I didn't crush your hopes and dreams, I can't wait to really figure out what the plot is about! Oh and the last part of my little thing about your dialogue was just my personal opinion (and my Sophomore English teacher's opinion) about dialogue, so you can take it or leave it.
lemonpeeps oxAuthor's Response: thank you so much for the review Report Review
Lemonpeeps here, I saw that you'd posted on my review thread and decided to drop you a review!!
So I noticed a couple of tyops randomly through out the story, just read through it really slowly and they'll jump out at you I'm sure. I thought your little snap shot of the Potter/Weasly world was a very good one. In my opinion you got down the craziness perfectly. I got that the *s ment you where changing the perspective (I think that's the right word) but the last few sections kind of were a little confusing. Like the transition between the third to last section to the second to last section was where I was the most confused. And I also didn't understand why you separated the last three sections, if you rearragned some of the paragraphs you could probably combine them. Your characterization of Victorire was a nice change from the rest. But I didn't feel that she was the same girl with Teddy (even though I'm sure she was different around him). It felt kind of like a mistake or tiny bit of confusion that needs to be explained so I noted it. If you were going to listen to one thing in my review I think you should just expand what you have here. You write very well, I think this just needs more meat on it's frame. Go into more detail about the relations ships Vic has with the people you mentioned. I can see you did that with Vic/Teddy but if you went into more detail about the first kiss about why she was ignoring him. Try and show us the story with your words!
Wow this is long. I hope I didn't bring you down too much because I did enjoy what you've written here. And I hope that it's stuff you wanted to hear
lemonpeeps oxAuthor's Response: Sorry for taking so long to respond to this, I really have no excuse besides laziness.
This review really helped improve this piece. I took everything you said into consideration and have rewritten and added some parts to the piece in order for it flow better as a story.
Thank you so much for this review, it wasn't at all harsh, it was exactly what I needed. Again, thank you. Report Review
Hey there it's lemonpeeps, sorry I didn't get around to reading/reviewing your fic until now. (I'm on a very extended vacation :P )
Very interesting and sad fic you have here. The writing style is unique but at times I couldn't really follow what was going on. I figured it all out in the end though. Even still, you might want to add a couple transition paragraphs from the beginning segment to the middle segment, I found that's where I was the most lost. I think this could be an exelent writing piece but it seems a bit holy, try making Dean come to life some more and maybe develop his relationship with his wife a tad. But other than that, it was fresh and hardly cliche so props to you. I'm very gald you didn't use the song in a lovey dovey way!!
lemonpeeps oxAuthor's Response: Don't worry about it at all! I hope you had a nice holiday :D
Yeah I didn't really want to go with happy, because love isn't always happy :( This was my first shot at writing in second person so it does probably need a bit of work, especially on dean background so I will get round to editing at some point aha :)
Thank you so much for the review! :D I really do take your comments on board!
R xx Report Review
I think you did an amazing job with my challenge here, you got all the right ideas about the song. I really liked how you used Theo, you don't know all that much about him but you carried his quite nature very well. And I love how you ended the one-shot : Just somewhere. :)
lemonpeeps oxAuthor's Response: So glad you liked it! Than you for the lovely review. Report Review
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