Reading Reviews From Member: lemonpeeps
  
36 Reviews Found

Review #1, by lemonpeepsBreakoff Altitude: Where Gideon gets picked on and Fabian gets very awkward

6th January 2014:
I thought the writing about Quidditch was great, its nice to read nice sporty action!

Also I literally laughed out loud when I read the dialogue between Fabian and Amelia. Oh my god, you guys must be hilarious.

One quick question. I was really confused about that part that starts after "after the game Underton was furious" is that suppose to be a flashback? Because I think it is but there isn't anything marking that. It makes it really confusing!

Over all I really enjoyed this chapter! I can't wait to see more of Amelia and Fabian.

Author's Response: Yes! You were correct! That is suppose to be flash back. We will have to go and fix it. Thanks for mentioning it. That probably confused the readers a lot.

I'm glad you're enjoying it. Oh don't worry there will be plenty more.

handknittedsweaters,
Rebekah


 Report Review

Review #2, by lemonpeepsBreakoff Altitude: Where a lot more than law happens in the office

14th December 2013:
Oh LORDY. Peter! This is great, good work you guys

Author's Response: Haha! Oh I know, Peter is CRAZY! Thanks so much!! :)

handknittedsweaters


 Report Review

Review #3, by lemonpeepsBreakoff Altitude: Where Amelia lays us out the deets

14th December 2013:
Aw, sibling love, so cute. I'm so glad I found this story, its so fresh and new. The plot is great and the writing is fantastic! Keep up the good work :)

Author's Response: Thanks!! We just uploaded the next chapater to be validated! Keep reading! :)

handknittedsweaters


 Report Review

Review #4, by lemonpeepsBreakoff Altitude: Prologue

21st August 2013:
I don't think I've read a story like this one before. Do Fabian and Amelia get together?

Defs added it to my favorites, can't wait to see where this goes.

Author's Response: You'll have to wait and see :) They definitely have chemistry (at least we're trying for that)
We just uploaded the next chapter, so you won't have to wait long!


 Report Review

Review #5, by lemonpeepsIt's Not Love: When It All Began

26th May 2013:
first things for layout I'd make the spaces between the paragraphs a little smaller, it will be easier for reading.

And since I'm not a beta I'm not going to pick through every paragraph and every sentence I'm just going to go ver a few things.

You do a great job describing things and the objects around people, which is good, I have a nice clear vision of what and where people are. But I do think you lack a little in the describions of what people are doing and how people are doing it.

For the big long story Malfoy is giving to his daughter, you should develop his voice and how he is speaking, does he pause between paragraphs? Does he speed up near the end to try to get things over. Is he talking slowing and methodically? Describe that!

Also describe where people are in the dining room, is Malfoy at the head of the table, or sitting next to Astoria? Are there shadows that could be described further adding to the foreshadowing and negative tone of the chapter? If you imagine it, write it out, show me what the characters are doing and how they are reacting.

Also a fantastic plot idea, its original and exciting. I can't wait to see what you do next!

I hope this is what you were looking for, and I did truly enjoy reading it

Happy Writing
lemonpeeps ox

Author's Response: How did I miss this review.
ANYWAY
HIII.
OMG. I never thought of that.
I juss let the people assume. You know imagine how you wanna type?
Yup. That.
Anyway, it was my first shot. Like ever. Publicly I mean, I never wanted to edit it again. But I will go back and add a few more details.. sooon.. when I am done being lazy...
NEVERTHELESSS, Thankyou
Emm


 Report Review

Review #6, by lemonpeepsAcanthus: Spectrum

21st May 2013:
opening: great

second paragraph workers? maybe journalists, writers, editors be more specific.

expand about the warlock, where did she have the interview, was she eating anything then? What was he wearing? Show me exactly what happened.

in stead of showed annoyance, I think" made a face at Tabitha for interrupting her" sounds better

Also I really hate the describing people as wallflowers. It's probably a personal thing because so many people in the world are in love with Perks and Emma Watson. I just think it isn't a very good word to describe people anymore. It's lost its meaning. You should come up with a more specific description. What makes her a wallflower? Put that into words.

Also expand on Rose's regretfulness about not going out when she first decides to not go. Create a contrast to really emphasize how she does want to go out but thinks better of it "Even the idea of a firewhiskey and a large basket of fries was delicious, blah blah blah..."

Also at least where I come from thunder comes first in the storm, you can hear the thunder before you can see the lightening when a storm is coming so I don't know if you want to change that.

Marching footprints i just imagine a person walking quickly but not really having loud footsteps, I'd change it to thudding or thundering footsteps.

I do the same thing, but you write with very small paragraphs. This really isn't a real problem its more of a stylistic problem. Writing with short paragraphs isn't very conducive to producing long elaboration and description which would really take this chapter off the ground. Your writing is very good, it just needs to be beefier. I suggest going back through the paragraphs and really finding areas that you can think of that add description (show not tell remember) and I think that will make a huge amount of difference. If you added maybe two lines to every paragraph, you'll have one nice long juicy opening chapter. A good way to do that is by asking yourself so what to everything. So what she wants to be her own person? what good will that do her? (you'll have an answer and so write that down) So what she wants to stay behind? Why is that important? do you feel me?

I hope this is what you wanted! Of you want me to rereview this chapter after you've edited it just rerequest it and I'd be happy to! Looking forwards to see what you have to say! You have a really good start and I'm excited for you!

Bonne chance,
lemonpeeps

Author's Response: Wow! This is possibly the most useful I've ever gotten. I had so many issues with this chapter and I couldn't figure out a way to overcome them and you've helped me so much :D Thank you so much!

You've really shown me where and how to develop vital parts of the story and to make it better, and it's helped me so much. I tend to forget about description a lot, and that's probably my biggest flaw when it comes to writing yet your suggestions have showed me that there is an incredibly easy way to go about.

I like the idea of questioning myself when writing, because I know the details in my head I just fail to put them down in words, so that's a really great idea and I'm definitely going to use it :D

The word changes are a great idea and I'm definitely going to edit them all in, well, in fact, I'm going to include all of you suggestions as they were all so great.

I don't particularly like people being called a wallflower and I really hated using it too, as I didn't know what use in place but I'll expand upon it and think of another way.

Thank you so much for this fantastic review, it was so useful :D

-Kiana


 Report Review

Review #7, by lemonpeepsCaprice: Life at 11

26th December 2011:
Reviewer here finally! I'm super behind and I'm sorry about that. But here's my review!

Interesting beginning, I like how you started out. I wish you would describe her house a bit more than just Victorian. Tell me what kind of moulding they used, what the color of the stairs are. Can we see some more personality behind her mother? Your flow was nice, I though it carried very well! Cheers!

Author's Response: Hey, Thanks a lot for reviewing :) I'll work on the detail. Thanks :)

 Report Review

Review #8, by lemonpeepsGhosts in the Attic: An Unwelcome Visitor

28th October 2011:
So here pretty much the same thing as the last chapter.

Since there's more dialogue I think you should add more substance to the conversation. Describe the facial expressions, give tone and vocal inflections and maybe body language.

Hope this is again what you wanted!

Lemonpeeps :)

Author's Response: Yeah, I've been thinking about adding more of that in - too much dialogue without enough description is definitely a weakness of mine!

Thank you for the review! :)


 Report Review

Review #9, by lemonpeepsGhosts in the Attic: Prologue

28th October 2011:
In general this was fairly good opening chapter. I think you could make the intro a little more exciting, try to appeal to the senses, give me something to hear, see, taste, touch, smell. Make sense? That will grab reads attention more and add to a more tangible setting.

That brings me to the next part of my review. Your descriptions of things were kind of simple. It being in third person you can illustrate much more than you have. Again appeal to the senses make the room Andromeda is in tangible, make it real.

Flow-wise I thought you did a great job I followed along just fine and there were no dangling parts!

For characterization I think that you would do well to develop the characters a little more. I can't tell if anyone is out of character because they're just not round enough. You have a wonderful start of a story it just needs to liven up. :)

Hope this was what you were looking for!

Happy writing
Lemonpeeps

Author's Response: I definitely know what you mean with appealing to the senses - I've been trying to work that in, but I clearly need to try harder. :P

Thank you for the review! :)


 Report Review

Review #10, by lemonpeepsStill Delicate: The Contenders

22nd October 2011:
Aww I'm really disappointed with this chapter, I really don't think Rose and Tom should be together they're like Scopr and Daisy. Just wrong. But on the up side! I'm super glad you're updating again and I really really like the story!!! props!!

 Report Review

Review #11, by lemonpeepsTrust in Me: Trust in Me

6th September 2011:
W-o-w! This really blew me away. I've always liked femslash haha it's fun to read but none of the ones I've read really had any depth to them. I think you should chop this up into like three or so chapters to help with the flow. The breaks in this are big enough the a chapter break would be more beneficial. I found that this story was a little rushed at times, I think if you broke it up you could see the areas I'm talking about and re work them so they're just a deep and intriguing as the rest of it. But good job!!

Happy Writing
Lemonpeeps ox

Author's Response: Hi!

Thank you for your review. I know, it seemed a little rushed, although perhaps not to that extent that I needed to chop it up into chapters. Thank you for your review and I'm glad you liked it!

~Soraya~


 Report Review

Review #12, by lemonpeepsThe Joker and Her: The Hermit, Part 2

6th September 2011:
I really liked this chapter. I think you could have condensed the Christmas shopping part a little, it dragged just a bit near the end. The chapter flowed quite well, I didn't have any issues with it in that regard (not that I had any like real issues with this chapter I just wanted to say that particular group of words). I'm glad Bree is starting to open up to people about her mom.

I think you should go a little more in depth about descriptions. I like descriptions (a lot) and the chapter could be way more exciting with them! Show us what other desserts there are, have Bree go searching for her creme brulee (burnt cream sounds so much prettier in French doesn't it). Oh!! And I really liked what the twins were wearing, that made me smile!!

Happy Writing
Lemonpeeps ox

Author's Response: :D Thank you so much for reviewing! And thanks for the tips!

 Report Review

Review #13, by lemonpeepsThe Joker and Her: The Hermit, Part 1

19th August 2011:
This chapter was a little choppy to, the flow from DADA to divination was a little murky. I also did feel that Professor McGonagall was a little out of character, she was a little more condincending than I imagined her.

The dialogue is good, I can keep up and understand what people are saying.

At times I find it hard to tell Brienne's thoughts from what she's saying, so maybe make her thoughts more pronounced bcause she doesn't do a lot of talking.

Happy Writing
lemonpeeps ox

Author's Response: :D Thank you so much for reviewing! I appreciate your time!

 Report Review

Review #14, by lemonpeepsThe Joker and Her: The Storm

19th August 2011:
There was one verb tense change in the beginning of the chapter, but that's an easy fix.

I thought this chapter was a little slow, I think you should add a little more detail about Angalina and Diggory and about the match like what's going on in the game. That would spice thing up a bit I think

Happy Writing
lemonpeeps ox

Author's Response: :) Thanks for the tense change tip! I'm rubbish at spotting those, so thanks!

 Report Review

Review #15, by lemonpeepsThe Joker and Her: My Mother

19th August 2011:
Poor Brienne! Anyway, I found this chapter a little choppy. It confused me when you switched to Fred's POV and then back. You might want to go back and add a couple transitions to improve the flow of writing between the different scenes.

Happy Writing
lemonpeeps ox

Author's Response: :) It's in third person, so it can really shift between everyone's perspective, but I'll see if I can neaten it a bit :) Thank you for reviewing!

 Report Review

Review #16, by lemonpeepsThe Joker and Her: Sorting

19th August 2011:
Once quick little thing the password at the beginning of the third book was Fortuna Major.

leonpeeps ox

Author's Response: :) Thanks so much! I didn't remember that xD Thanks!

 Report Review

Review #17, by lemonpeepsThe Joker and Her: The Dementors on the Train.

19th August 2011:
Off to a good start here! I'm very glad you addressed the whole what-are-you-going-to-do-if-you're-not-af-a-first-year-arriving-at-Hogwarts problem most people avoide when they write about transfer students at Hogwarts!

You're dialogue flowed quite nicely. I like it when people use dialogue (correctly). But I would suggest adding stuff like she replied, or she mused. I think that would add to the characterization a little bit.

I hope this is what you were looking for, normally my reviews are longer but I want to review at least 5 of your chapters so pardon my laziness please :)

Happy Writing
lemonpeeps ox

ps I love your banner!

Author's Response: :) Hi! Thank you so much for your review, and your tip! I'll definetely take a look at that :) Thanks!

 Report Review

Review #18, by lemonpeepsShe Lived: She Lived

19th August 2011:
Oh my god! This was so sad!!!

Oh right, in resonse to your request for a review:

The writing flowed quite nicely, my only suggestion follows right in with your second concern about time passing too quickly. I didn't think that time passed too quickly but maybe tell us how much time has passed, I think that would make it flow just a little bit better.

Characterization was very well done, I thought.

And the emotion was wonderful! Not too much and I even teared up at the end!

Just two more things, what happened to Hugo? And maybe add a little more detail to each section. Show the reader what Hermione's dress looks like, how do the witnesses react when they kiss, where did Ron propose? The little things like that would make this fic come to life even more!!

I hope this is what you were looking for and I hope that I wasn't too hard on you. It's really beautiful

Happy Writing
leomonpeeps ox

Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it and thanks for reviewing :)
Thanks and this is defiantly what I was looking for.
Thank you again for this, it's going to make my story better :)
Javct x


 Report Review

Review #19, by lemonpeepsThe Padfoot Chronicles: Letters and Lurkers

19th August 2011:
In response to your request for a review:

First, Molly's maiden name is Prewett, Sirius' mother's name was Walburga Black and his father's name Orion Black.

To help th flow of this chapter (it was very very long) I would chop it into three chapters and provide a little more detail in each part. You covered a whole bunch in this chapter but it was rather sparse. I'd do a chapter break right before or after the meeting with McGonagall and another one right before the trio sneaks out to visit Remus.

Characterization was my favorite portion of this chapter. I can tell James really cares about Sirius. The only character I didn't agree with you on was Cissy. I don't think Sirius got a long with any of his family he was the obvious black sheep. But you don't need to change that, that's just my personal opinion.

About Peter being more developed, I don't think he needs to be unless you're planning to use him epicly later on. He's the heros' sidekick all of his life, I think he's prefect just the way he is. If there was a character I'd like to see more developed that would be Snape or Remus. Snape hates Sirius the most out of the four. And Remus is the reason they started the Maruader's Map and sneaking around.

Your plot is very intersting! I like the little sub plot you have going on between Sirius and Regulas/the rest of the Black Family. I want to see how that plays out!

I hope this is what you were looking for! And I hope that I didn't burst your bubble because this is very well written!!! Props to you!!!

Happy Writitng
lemonpeeps ox

Author's Response: Thanks so much for reading!!! Yes, my first chapter is way too long, I should definitely have chopped it up. I'm glad you think I have an interesting plot! I promise there's much more to come!

 Report Review

Review #20, by lemonpeepsBy the Light of the Moon: A Dangerous Secret

18th August 2011:
As to answer your questions:

You approched the Remus being a wearwolf very well. You took it seriously and expanded on what JK Rowling said and made this very not cliche.

Maybe put an * inbetween the paragraphs where the scene changes, that will help the flow a little bit. I kind of got confused when I didn't notice there was a bigger gap in between the paragraphs and you started talking about something else.

Your characterizatin well done, although I would like a little bit more on James. You developed Remus very well, Peter is the obvious sidekick, Sirius I can tell is in the making, but James is still in the shadows.

The first chapter was a little long in my opinion but it flowed fairly well so I wasn't too bothered. Your tension at the end of the chapter with Sirius, does make me want to continue. Props for your hard work!

I did notice that you used 'boy' a whole bunch in the beginning paragraphs. Maybe use other pronouns like the others or the trio. Spice it up a little!

Happy Writing
lemonpeeps ox

Author's Response: Thank you Lemonpeeps! I'd actually thought about making some sort of separation b/w the paragraphs as well, I'm going to that next time! The first chapter was def very long, it was my first ever submission, and now I know to split it up makes for easier reading. I will def develop James in the next chapters!

 Report Review

Review #21, by lemonpeepsCharmed : In which there is honking

18th August 2011:
Good, full, chapter you had here, plenty of stuff to talk about!

I kind of felt that this chapter went all over the place, I followed along pretty well but some transitions between the common room/Hogsmeade/common room/Andy blast spells over her shoulder would be nice and make it much easier to follow. I'm really impressed with your writing, though, is rich and you put a lot into it (at least in this chapter) props again. I find though that I really don't understand Sirius, I don't know if you mean it like that or whatever, but I really wish he'd come to life a bit more. Also the same for Lily. She and Andy are best friends I think Andy should include her a little more in her thoughts, develope their relationship a little more.

Again I hope this is what you were looking for, and I hope I didn't sound too hard on you, because I really enjoyed reading it!

Happy Writing
lemonpeeps ox

Author's Response: I think I'll work on descriptions - I think that's what you mean about transitions, right? And I agree, that should help. And yes, I was thinking about Sirius just yesterday; I'm going to have to give him more character. I suppose that because Sirius is in canon and featured so much on HPFF, I kind of just assumed that everyone would understand how I perceive Sirius... embarrassingly bad mistake, that is. And I will be giving Andy's feelings about Lily a little more attention, hopefully.

Thanks for two really helpful reviews! :)


 Report Review

Review #22, by lemonpeepsCharmed : In which the force is disturbed

18th August 2011:
Okay!! How you doing? Good I hope!!

First of I give you props because you wrote mostly in dialogue and that's my personal favorite style to read/write and that you did it correctly!! I know you said in your A/N that you didn't really like introductions, I normally love introductions but it worked here because you were able to introduce almost everything as the chapter progressed. Even as I say that maybe when you talk about the girls add a little more information about them like what kind of a person Em is, why Evie makes fun of people. I kind of found that I got them mixed up because I just had a name to remember them by.

Hope this is what you were looking for

Happy Writing
lemonpeeps ox

Author's Response: Yay! I tend to write primarily in dialogue because when I don't, everything comes across awkward.. I'm glad I've done okay with it. *phew*

Thank you for your comments! My intention is to kind of define the OCs further in the next couple of chapters, and give some more insight. I think I'm going to be building up the setting and the characters and their relationships steadily, as I build up the plot.


 Report Review

Review #23, by lemonpeepsAway From It All: Let's Go

17th August 2011:
Lemonpeeps here, I saw that you'd posted on my review thread and decided to drop you a review!!

So I noticed a couple of tyops randomly through out the story, just read through it really slowly and they'll jump out at you I'm sure. I thought your little snap shot of the Potter/Weasly world was a very good one. In my opinion you got down the craziness perfectly. I got that the *s ment you where changing the perspective (I think that's the right word) but the last few sections kind of were a little confusing. Like the transition between the third to last section to the second to last section was where I was the most confused. And I also didn't understand why you separated the last three sections, if you rearragned some of the paragraphs you could probably combine them. Your characterization of Victorire was a nice change from the rest. But I didn't feel that she was the same girl with Teddy (even though I'm sure she was different around him). It felt kind of like a mistake or tiny bit of confusion that needs to be explained so I noted it. If you were going to listen to one thing in my review I think you should just expand what you have here. You write very well, I think this just needs more meat on it's frame. Go into more detail about the relations ships Vic has with the people you mentioned. I can see you did that with Vic/Teddy but if you went into more detail about the first kiss about why she was ignoring him. Try and show us the story with your words!

Wow this is long. I hope I didn't bring you down too much because I did enjoy what you've written here. And I hope that it's stuff you wanted to hear

Happy writing
lemonpeeps ox

Author's Response: Sorry for taking so long to respond to this, I really have no excuse besides laziness.

This review really helped improve this piece. I took everything you said into consideration and have rewritten and added some parts to the piece in order for it flow better as a story.

Thank you so much for this review, it wasn't at all harsh, it was exactly what I needed. Again, thank you.


 Report Review

Review #24, by lemonpeepsLullaby: Lullaby

7th August 2011:
Hey there it's lemonpeeps, sorry I didn't get around to reading/reviewing your fic until now. (I'm on a very extended vacation :P )

Very interesting and sad fic you have here. The writing style is unique but at times I couldn't really follow what was going on. I figured it all out in the end though. Even still, you might want to add a couple transition paragraphs from the beginning segment to the middle segment, I found that's where I was the most lost. I think this could be an exelent writing piece but it seems a bit holy, try making Dean come to life some more and maybe develop his relationship with his wife a tad. But other than that, it was fresh and hardly cliche so props to you. I'm very gald you didn't use the song in a lovey dovey way!!

Happy Writing!!
lemonpeeps ox

Author's Response: Don't worry about it at all! I hope you had a nice holiday :D

Yeah I didn't really want to go with happy, because love isn't always happy :( This was my first shot at writing in second person so it does probably need a bit of work, especially on dean background so I will get round to editing at some point aha :)

Thank you so much for the review! :D I really do take your comments on board!

R xx


 Report Review

Review #25, by lemonpeepsSomewhere in Brooklyn: Somewhere in Brooklyn

10th July 2011:
I think you did an amazing job with my challenge here, you got all the right ideas about the song. I really liked how you used Theo, you don't know all that much about him but you carried his quite nature very well. And I love how you ended the one-shot : Just somewhere. :)

lemonpeeps ox

Author's Response: So glad you liked it! Than you for the lovely review.

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>