Reading Reviews From Member: ashleydelacour
  
21 Reviews Found

Review #1, by ashleydelacourDiamonds: .

2nd January 2013:
Your writing is so beautifully vivid. Your opening paragraph almost made me close my eyes and breathe in the wind of the sea. I swear I could hear the little wind chime of the shells clinking and the sand between my feet.

On the other hand, this opening also made me incredibly sad and my heart hurt. I always read how well our characters are doing after the War. How they thrived without the presence of Voldemort, how everyone was able to breathe so much easier, and how easily it seemed that everyone was able to move past all the death and destruction that took place. But I haven’t really read how negatively it could’ve affected our most beloved Trio. To see the light wiped out of the other two, even though we all thought they were going to be okay when they both just caved from the tension…is just so, indescribably sad.

The only technical thing I have is a few paragraphs from the end, where she’s listing all the reasons she needs to stay. It needs some commas to separate the sentence out, because it runs on otherwise and makes it a little hard to read. I had to insert my own commas in my head a little, and it distracted from your writing. It seems a little nit-picky, I agree, but you wouldn’t believe how subconsciously we process those grammatical punctuation marks, and then struggle to make sense of writing when they’re not there.

This is another day in the in-between, another day she runs without moving at all. Absolutely love this line. I know I’ve felt like this at times, and the feeling of spinning our wheels in life was really brilliantly put.

Overall, this a beautifully tragic piece of writing. It wrenched at my heart strings and made me sad for the two of them. The heroes that didn’t live so heroically, the Princess and Prince that didn’t live happily ever after, the people that just couldn’t quite put themselves back together as everyone else seemed to (or at least, we assume). All of it really comes together and leaves me rather empty and sad, which I find is few and far between in pieces of writing in fanfiction. Truly, this was brilliant, and I look forward to reading more pieces from you.

-ashleydelacour

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Review #2, by ashleydelacourMoments of Impact: Plotting Revenge

1st January 2013:
I like your writing style. It’s very personal and easy to read. I like the little narrative breaks you take- warning the reader about Lilly, for example. I haven’t seen it done that way before, and it’s really refreshing and a neat way to connect with the reader.

Also, your humor is well-placed and makes me chuckle. The bit about Lupin’s never ending supply of aunts dying was a great little tie-in to the introduction of his early werewolf stages. And, although I like these stories, I feel that there are some holes in them. I might be missing some book-orientated details about the Marauder’s, but I would like for the little stories to expand a little more, perhaps. For example, the story with Sirius and the chandelier. I was eagerly reading to see where it was going, and was left a little confused when it ended with the bones of the story: Sirius merely dropped a chandelier on the Minister’s head. We don’t know why he was, where they all were, etc, etc. It’s a stupid, little minor detail on my part, but you’re such a clever writer and I really would’ve liked to see where your back stories go.

When in doubt, Peter Pettigrew. I was left a little confused with this sentence, as I didn’t pick up on your meaning. Perhaps expand it a little more? I reread it just to be sure, his whole back-story, and still was slightly confused on what point you were trying to make.

Trees do not typically have a habit of sneezing. - LOL!

I didn’t see anything technical, and would be surprised to because it sounded like you thoroughly edited it. Overall, job well done! Good writing, solid humor, and an entertaining read. Sorry if I couldn’t be of much help, you had lots of previous reviews and not a lot of errors. Since it’s the first chapter, there’s not a lot I can compare to because we’re not that far in the story. If you chose to re-request, hopefully I can be of more help in the future. If not, your story has been added to my wish-list of fanfics to read.

-ashleydelacour

Author's Response: Thank you for the excellent feedback!

I'm glad you enjoyed the comments in the asterisk, as you are one of the few readers who does. I didn't want to write a traditional old fanfiction, so I tried to make it a little more interesting with those interjections.

The humorous aspect of this chapter was the most challenging to write, as this was my first time experimenting in the genre. I'm glad I was successful.

There was some information that was left missing intentionally. For example, Sirius and James' catastrophe with the Minister of Magic and the chandelier is going to be explained further in an upcoming chapter. I was a little hesitant to include it here, as I didn't want the chapter to drag on and bore readers to death.

I did spend quite a bit of time editing this chapter and currently have a beta reading it as well.

Thank you for all of your comments,
Voldy Needs a Hug


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Review #3, by ashleydelacourUnderwater Morgana: A Comfortable Child

20th December 2012:
Hello there! Here's your requested review! I didn't realize I actually had it all read, but for whatever reason, didn't write a review when I finished. Anyways, here it is:

I think the characterization of Morgan would make sense in the rest of the chapter, but it seems a complete 180 from the little prologue at the top. You stated that she had no weakness, moved around a lot, and was unattainable. To me personally, that doesn't seem like someone who knows how to socialize well, especially since she's moved around a lot. Being this way isn't bad, but I don't think it is necessarily realistic in her friendliness and openness with Fred and George right off the bat, and I sort of questioned their eagerness to test on someone they met five seconds ago, even though I totally acknowledge that they tested on first years. I just feel like the risk would be too high on a train full of hundreds and hundreds of students.

Apart from the prologue relating to the rest of the chapter, I did like Morgan. She's fun, playful, and I enjoyed her payback with the makeup trick, it sounds like they're all going to be good friends if she came up with that herself.

Other that that conflict, I didn't see anything else wrong with the chapter. I didn't notice any spelling errors, grammar or anything super technical like that, just the inconsistency from the first part to the rest of the chapter.

And regardless of what the other reviewers are saying, I don't really see the issue with the beginning being italicized. In all honesty, I think its appropriate, as it signifies a that what it is is a prelude, so I think it sets up the reader in the state of mind that they're reading a little back story before the present story works.

Its ultimately your story, so you do with it what you wish! :)

-ashleydelacour

Author's Response: Hey, I'm so sorry for the late response!

You make a good point about Fred and George not wanting to test their products on the train...hmmm. Well, I guess I can wing it and say that Morgan seemed clueless enough for them to get away with it ;)

As to her opening up so quickly, another good point! I have in the meantime adjusted the text to explain that it was the way Fred and George acted that relaxed her. She was used to people grilling her with questions (Like Malfoy in the first chapter), but they were open and just accepted her. Hope that explains it.

Thank you for your review :)


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Review #4, by ashleydelacourShades of Green: Hufflepuff and Proud

11th December 2012:
Hi Lorenzo. Here's your review:

I think you have a solid introduction. I like the metaphor of being a panther in the jungle. Overall, your writing is a delight to read as it is so descriptive and really leads the reader to fill their head’s with vivid colors and imagery. You set your canvas well.

The only issues I have with the one shot are some of the grammar. I found as follows, with corrections written in bold/italics:

-“Hufflepuff WILL finally have something to be honored with. “

-I would put a little introduction to the lead-up of the vision he’s having with Dumbledore shaking his hand. You make it seem like it is happening presently, when it’s not. The tense is off. A figure pushing through the crowd, breaking free. The second one was right, but the first one was past tense, whereas the latter was present tense. Those are tricky sometimes, but they make all the difference in the flow of your story that was otherwise really well done. : )

-“…innocently twinkling at me”. Get rid of the “sat” in the sentence; it’s an extra word that isn’t needed. Wasn’t sure if this was a typo or not, so I just thought I’d point it out.

-“…cheering of the crowd like I dreamed had I had been pulled back into a world of green?” I think you might have an extra had in there.

“I become aware of how I am stood”. Again, the tense is off. “I became aware of how I was standing” or “My readying poise was prepared for the fight…” or something to that affect. The word stood is the needs to be changed or taken out and substituted for another word.

On a less critical note, this was a really creative idea, and I really enjoyed reading it. I think your characterization of Cedric was realistic, as we only see him as this confident, charming guy that seems to have no flaws. He’s a hero and Hogwarts’ sweetheart. In that unrealistic light, it was nice to see what kind of insecurities Cedric might have, even though he never came out forthright and revealed what they are. It makes a lot of sense for him to be jealous’ of Harry’s affection for Cho, even though Cedric has the girl already, because Harry is put on such a high pedestal by the Wizarding world, so it makes sense that Cedric would be a little shaken as Harry is given so much attention by everyone.

Good job!

Author's Response: Oh thank you for such a lovely review! I'm really glad you enjoyed the description and thought the characterisation was good, I was most worried about that!

Thank you for the corrections... I'll sort them out when the queue opens up again after xmas =)

Thanks again!
Lauren


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Review #5, by ashleydelacourDanse Macabre: Exit Music

6th December 2012:
Hey caoty! Here's your review:

Well, this one certainly left me speechless…both in good ways, and sort of confused ways.

Initially, I was doing fine until the end where the speech shifted dramatically, and then I had no idea what was happening. But the first time I read it I had just got done with a few hours of chemistry for a final I had done this week, so I wasn’t prepared for how deep this piece was, so I read it a few days later and obtained better sight and am more properly able to review this.

I love your writing style. You have a poetry about your descriptions, which is rare to find. I loved the cleverness of putting in Little Red Riding Hood and tying it into a Harry Potter related story. I would’ve never put the two together, but you made it work when using it as a parallel to describe how Regulus is feeling : pack-less, out of place, alone, because the task he has ahead of him prevents him from confiding or relating to anyone. A really unique way to bring a childhood story in such a dark setting.

“Picture the scene: dark, dark like the magic that brings you here and lets you in, dark like the magic you will not be able to fight.” I really like this description as it is a new way to describe an utterly dark place to be in life when we are sad, scared or depressed, like “black abyss” or the “black night” of something. To write something so terrible as this as “black as magic” is quite refreshing to foreshadow a situation that only has a dark and desolate outcome.

This story makes me squirm because it puts me in Rugulus’ shoes. I can’t imagine knowing that I was going to die and being able to look over at what I would become would make me feel everything else but heroic. For how could a hero die and become something so…dead, for lack of a better word. It saddens me to read it, because there’s always such a dark, sad admiration for people that know what’s about to happen, no matter how dark the outcome, and push forward anyways.

I think if you had described the effects of the Drink of Despair, you would’ve taken away from the story, it would’ve been too much. Your description of his boat ride over was perfect, because if it stirred such dark thoughts in the reader about how utterly terrifying and depressing the scene around it was, it leaves a lot left to the imagination about what other horrors could await the drinker.

It also stirs a lot of pity because we know how terrible the drink was when we saw the effects on Dumbledore. So, when Regulus looks at Kreacher and thinks, “I’ll never end up like him”, we shake our heads and think, “Well, maybe not, but the next few minutes are going to be the worst of your life, and then you’ll start to think you’ll be lucky if you can get out like Kreacher.” It’s a Catch-22, one of which only we know and Regulus doesn’t, which makes the story even that more depressing.

A very dark and twisted take on a scene we’ve only ever really been able to imagine ourselves. Your perspective puts on a much darker twist than I think any one of us could have created in our own minds, and really brings to light that sometimes there is no silver lining in the cloud of any situation, and that maybe, there is no possibility that anything good that can come out of “entering the mouth of death”.

Bravo!

Author's Response: Hello!

Yeah, that whole stream-of-consciousness thing doesn't work for everyone. Especially after Chemistry revision. (Good luck with your results, by the way.)

I love Little Red Riding Hood - any and every version I can get my hands on - and, weirdly enough, I've always found it a perfect fit for Harry Potter. You've got werewolves, forests, manipulation, all that kind of stuff, which pops up in HP too; especially if you re-imagine the wolf as a tragic figure.

Anyway. Fairy tale geekery aside. I'm not the biggest fan of V myself, but I'm glad that sentence caught you. Regulus' surroundings seem to reflect him: the increasingly empty home, the dark zombie-filled cave. I kind of wanted to hint at that a little bit.

I'll have to agree with you about self-sacrifice. It's difficult to feel heroic when you're committing indirect suicide, especially in the way that Regulus does.

To be honest, I can probably do better than the current description of the boat ride and I'm thinking of rewriting, but I'm glad you like it.

This story is pretty pessimistic, isn't it? It kind of makes me want to write a nice happy AU where Regulus takes the Horcrux to the Order and is mercilessly manipulated by Dumbledore into being a spy while his relationship with Sirius is in a mess... but at least he gets to survive?

Anyway. Thank you so much for your wonderful review! It's been a pleasure to read. :)


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Review #6, by ashleydelacourMy Not-So-Imaginary Friend: Epilogue: One Journey's End is Another's Beginning

25th September 2012:
How sad!!! I was back reading chapter 18 and was thinking, "How is she going to resolve this in two chapters?". But...I guess it didn't resolve the way I planned it to :( Very good story overall, however! Very unique idea and very well executed. Although this story left me sad, I enjoyed reading it. I hope to read future pieces from you.

If you ever get bored, head over to my story page and check out Slytherin's Angel. Would love to hear some thoughts and opinions from a great writer :) Take care!

Author's Response: I know, there was absolutely no way to make a happy ending in just two chapters. That wasn't the direction I wanted to go. This story turned out better than I expected and I'm glad you enjoyed it, despite the ending I chose to go with. Thank you for reviewing to share your thoughts!

I'll make sure to check out your page. Sadly, my online time is limited but I'll try to find a way to get myself to your story! It just might take me a few days.


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Review #7, by ashleydelacourMy Not-So-Imaginary Friend: XVII: The Storm Outside Looks Nearly Over

9th August 2012:
Oh no! I knew it couldn't have been that easy! Glad Remus and Marta are finally together though. Really looking forward to your next chapter!

Author's Response: Yup, it wasn't that easy. I'm glad you like seeing Remus and Marta together! I'm working on the next chapter right now. Thanks for reviewing!

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Review #8, by ashleydelacourThe Joker and Her: The Dementors on the Train.

27th June 2012:
Fun first chapter. Made me smile when I heard Malfoy. :)

Author's Response: :) Thank you very much for revewing, I'm glad you liked it!

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Review #9, by ashleydelacourMy Not-So-Imaginary Friend: XI: Indoor Apparition is Usually Considered Rude

22nd June 2012:
I can't begin to tell you how much I was freaking out during Marta's dream, because I thought it was really happening in your story. Thank goodness, because I nearly toppled over myself thinking, 'That's not at all how McGonagall acts! She would never be that mean!'. And then she woke up, and I felt immensely better.

Very glad that Marta was the one to apparate first. After that dream, I was feeling really bad that she was so behind in everything. Still a great read so far.

Author's Response: With that opening scene, I thought the lions prancing around the classroom were clues that Marta was dreaming. Don't worry, I don't think I butcher the canon characters' personalities too badly. :)

I figured that Marta should be able to shine when the desire to succeed is present. Basically, any means of getting distance between her and Benjamin will motivate her to be the best and not as pathetic as she believes she is. Hence, this chapter was born! Thank you for reviewing, and I hope you continue to enjoy!


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Review #10, by ashleydelacourMy Not-So-Imaginary Friend: IX: You Don't Seem Happy to be Here

22nd June 2012:
"Instead, I just watched a black pawn take down a white knight."

Brilliant line! Really enjoying your story so far. Wondering if Marta is ever going to tell anyone about Ben to see if she can get some help. But I'll keep reading so see for myself. Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: I believe you are the first person to point out that line! I figure that it kind of represents the situation going on if you can figure out who the players are. As for Marta telling someone about Benjamin, your answer is already posted in an upcoming chapter. Thank you for the review!

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Review #11, by ashleydelacourRoses and Ashes: The Plan

20th June 2012:
Very interesting so far, still a pretty good read. Thoroughly enjoying it, although I do hope there's some explanation down the road as to why Scorpius' eyes turn color, as it seems a rather large jump from grey to indigo without any further explanation. Saying it happens naturally would be a far stretch, in my opinion, so I'm wondering if there's more behind it.

Really like your idea of all the element wizards, and your description of each seems legitimate and well thought out, even with his short explanation. Hope you'll update soon, I'm really excited to see where this story will take us.

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Review #12, by ashleydelacourRoses and Ashes: Letters, Sprinting, and Fear

20th June 2012:
Very intriguing! Scary to think that someone worse than Voldemort has emerged. Your story is very interesting so far, and really original. I normally don't like to read next gen stories, but its an interesting thought to see how they would deal with a dark power, as the last one had been completely defeated before they were even born. I'll be interested to see what they do with their parents so far away. Keep up the good work!

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Review #13, by ashleydelacourThe Recruit : The Crew

20th June 2012:
Well, I must say, I'm happy to have finally found traces of the world we all love and know! I always hesitate to read stories without at least a main character grounding them, and was really starting to wonder if this was HP related at all.

Really interested to see where this story goes, like I said, all the original characters always makes me hesitate, because I like at least some aspects that are familiar to me.

Making the stalker Sirius was quite an unexpected twist, especially the fact he was conversing with Moody (this is who I think it is based on your description). I also find it very interesting that they all started out completely in the Muggle world, which is definitely something I've never come across in my readings. Your story is refreshingly different, and you can be sure I will continue to read. Keep up the good work! :)

Author's Response: Hey Ashley,
I'm glad you liked the introduction of Sirius. I know it's about time it started making sense why I posted this in the Hpff archives.
Sirius will make regular appearances here on, thanks for requesting. I hope you keep reading. :) Thanks for reviewing!


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Review #14, by ashleydelacourIf the Ring Fits: In which it is proven that mothers are always right

27th May 2012:
Read this all in one sitting! The perfect length, and as I saw there were only nine chapters, I was wondering where you were going to end it as the scroll bar reached the ending. A perfect place! Just enough to be left up to the imagination, but enough to know that they probably ended up together, at least for a little while.

Really enjoyed your writing style. Your humor made me chuckle: “We’d better have a signal,” considered Draco. “I know!” He held out his hands in a gesture of “picture this.” “When I pull out my wand and blast myself in the head from boredom, you’ll know it’s time.” This line made me laugh out loud.

Good luck in college (although I'm pretty sure I'm a few years late) and life. I will be watching out for your future writings.

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Review #15, by ashleydelacourIf the Ring Fits: In which ingenuity is not a strong point

27th May 2012:
I know you've long since completed this story by now, but I'll cast my vote for pie: apple!

Really enjoying your story so far, glad the subtle humor is constant throughout. I'm a sucker for good sarcasm.

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Review #16, by ashleydelacourIf the Ring Fits: In which a ring causes trouble

27th May 2012:
Thought this first chapter was humorous, especially the barkeeper. Quite the original idea- a kind of reverse Cinderella. Going to keep reading to see where this is going.

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Review #17, by ashleydelacourTrial by Fire: Epilogue: The Brahms Courier

28th October 2011:
Bravo! Bravo!

I know little of the about the Silent Hill franchise, but you tied in wizards in beautifully in with the plot. Writing was absolutely captivating and your descriptions made me green with envy! I wish I could write with the same juicy details you entwine in every sentence. Writing style is a deal breaker for me, no matter how intriguing the plot. But I must say, after reading the first paragraph of the first chapter, you proved to me that this was worth reading. So glad I didn't pass it up.

I admire how you took someone else's idea and made it your own. You really did it beautifully. Very captivating. Very, very well done.

You can be sure that I will add this to my favorites and will keep a close eye on anything else you write. Thanks for such an awesome read. :)

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Review #18, by ashleydelacourGreener Grass: Epilogue

24th October 2011:
So glad that Astoria finally came around! I was really getting sick of her attitude towards Draco, who was obviously trying hard to make it work. Also happy that they eventually fell in love together, having something that Draco's parent's never did: true love.

Also liked how Draco realized that he didn't want the superficial life: the money, the glitz and glamor, and the perfect girl, even though he had been raised to think otherwise.

Writing was solid and descriptive, easily sucking in the reader. Really enjoyed reading this story, epilogue was very sweetly done. Hope to read more of your writing. :)

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Review #19, by ashleydelacourLady Malfoy: Into the Sunrise

13th August 2011:
What a beautiful story!!

I'm sort of on the fence about whether or not there are only so many things you can do within the world of Harry Potter, in terms of storyline, keeping characters in canon, etc. But wow! You sure did prove me wrong and impressed me beyond words! You're story was incredibly orginial, it kept me on my toes and your ending was precious.

As I've said before in other chapters that I've reviewed on, the way you describe things is awesome, giving me a clear picture in my head with the way you use words.

To be honest, I wasn't such a fan of Natalie at first, but I liked how you developed the triangle, it brought a sense of relatability and pity to Draco that made him seem more human than just a spoiled brat.

Still not sure about the defeating moment of Adria, as I thought you had to kill the person who had orginally created the horocrux. I was kinda banking on Cassius dying, although I wasn't sure on who was going to do it since he seemed to posses such skill.

Thoroughly enjoyed reading your story. Writing was well done, word choice wasn't redundant, but fresh and descriptive.

I give a 9/10 because the constant change in POV's kept my head spinning a little, and I felt like the story at times dragged because we were constantly playing catch-up between all the characters.

Besides all that, your five years of hard work certainly paid off! :)

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Review #20, by ashleydelacourLady Malfoy: The Cover Up

10th August 2011:
Honestly, I could care less if the characters follow cannon in the books. People are subject to change in certain circumstances and certain people around them. I think I could identify with some qualities in Hermione, such as wanting revenge but not necessarily acting on it in fear of breaking rules, but if someone killed my parents I think I would feel enough anger to try and kill them too, so I won't chastize you for not keep her "in canon".

Loving the story so far. Its so much more original than I thought when I started to read the first two or three chapters. I'm very glad I stuck with it. Looking forward to keep reading on.

Loving the plot twist, hope they buy it!

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Review #21, by ashleydelacourLady Malfoy: Distractions

10th August 2011:
AHHH! You're cliffhangers are killin' me! :)

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