I used to think that Elizabeth was okay and normal and I still kind of think that but less so. After this she's turning into Nia more and more and those two are becoming class A creepy fangirls (there's a difference between fangirls and creepy fangirls).
I'd keep reading but it's late and because of that I'm a little bit worried about what you mean when you say that James gets Paloma and such. Report Review
YES! Finally good things are happening to Edie. After goin through all of that stuff she finally has something good happen to her! I'm so glad that she got the job and I really like Jae. He seems like a new version of Sirius Black what with charming the doorknob and everything.
I was really hoping that Rose would hey fired but it's just not in Edie's nature and I'm just so darn happy that her life is finally turning around!
And as much as I love Jae, I still want Edie to be with Oliver because it's just Oliver and Oliver is perfect in your story.Author's Response: It makes me all warm and fuzzy that people are excited for good things happening to Edie. I can kind of see that Jae is similar to Sirius! He doesn't strike me as quite so loyal though, and maybe more laid-back. :3
It seems that most people wanted Rose to be fired! I love reading all these different responses to the characters' actions. I feel like it really helps me get to know my readers, as weird as that sounds.
It's nice to know some people are still shipping Ediver.
Thanks! Report Review
I have no words to describe this! I just loved it so much! I loved the banter going on between Dora and Remus and you can tell that they really do love each other and Teddy just sounds like the cutest little baby ever!
You definitely did the romance part right, it wasn't sappy or intense or anything like that, it was just plain love. That's the only way that I can think to describe what it sounded and felt like.
I think the way that you used the quote is great and it definitely fit in with the story. Thank you so much for entering my challenge, it's been a pleasure reading your one-shot! Report Review
Hello! Sorry that I got to reviewing this so late but I'm finally here to review your entry!
Anyway, I enjoyed reading this, I've never read a story that was told from the point of view of a minor character and set during the seventh year. You don't get to read much stories about what it was like at Hogwarts while Harry was on the run so this was something new.
Anyway, I really liked it (and because I'm not here to give constructive criticism, I'll just leave all of that out). I think you used the quote that I gave you really well, it really fit into the scene and what was happening and the dialogue.
Thanks for entering my challenge! Report Review
I was starting to think that maybe Nia was okay but that went down the toilet when she started calling James "Jamie." I really wish that James would just tell Nia that he's not freaking interested.
I love sassy Avery, she's just a little ball of sass and it's hilarious. I'm loving the fact that she's finally standing up for herself to Emerson and Castaso.
Meta seriously needs to get it together. James may not have handled the situation well at the beginning but he handled it well now and hell he even apologized and Meta can't even acknowledge the fact that she broke the rules and did something wrong. If she didn't want to get punished then she shouldn't have broken the code, simple as that.
James trying to stay anonymous though was pretty hilarious considering that he kept messing up and including personal names. Report Review
I was so happy that they kissed but then Jamea had a panic attack and just ruined it all.
I gotta say, Avery, she's my home girl. FINALLY she told one of her little fans off! I was getting so annoyed with her because she didn't say anything but she really handed it to Castaso. I'm proud of her, you will not believe how proud of her I am! Report Review
Bye bye Archie, I'll miss you even though I didn't know you as long as the other readers.
I'm pretty sure the reason that I love Kevin Pips is because he's just a ball of sass. I especially loved him at the very end of the chapter.
“You’ve got stuff all over your face all on your own, Professor,” Kevin grinned, rolling his eyes before he disappeared again.
Maybe this is a sign that I need to get to sleep but that just amused me to no end.Author's Response: Bah, I always loved Kevin. Thank you very much for enjoying and reading and reviewing this story. You are completely awesome!
AND SLEEP who needs sleep!? Report Review
HEY! I was planning on reviewing this but I never got the chance and I'm finally getting to this now!
I loved this, even though it was short you somehow managed to convey Hermione's love of books and reading really well. This actually sounded like Hermione well which is great because I hate it when canon characters are OOC and everything.
I think the part that made me squeal was when you mentioned Inkheart which is ridiculous, I know but I just love that book and that entire series so much!
Thank you for entering my challenge, I think you used the quote I gave you really well and I really enjoyed reading this!Author's Response: Thanks! I'm happy I managed to capture Hermione's personality accurately.
I love Inkheart as well, and I am currently reading the series for about the fourth time - it's written so well, and it's such an original idea.
Cheers, Phoenix Quill :D Report Review
Oh. My. God. That is literally the only coherent thought in my brain right now. I'm amazed I've even managed to get this typed out. This reviewing is going to take a while because my brain is flipping out (not literally as that would be worrying but, anyway).
That was such a huge plot twist! I thought something must've been up because, I mean, why would you have anti-apparating charms on a cottage that was near werewolves that even though they took wolfsbane, something could still happen. I never dreamed that Dom's own boss (Delilah is her boss, though, right? I'm not going crazy?)
I actually did not expect it to be Delilah Jones. I'm assuming she did this so that she start the whole column with Dom about her own personal experiences about being a werewolf. I never expected her to be that greedy! Surely Ms Jones can be arrested for getting one of her employees purposefully attacked.
Moving on from what is one of the biggest plot twists that I've read in a while.
I really love how supportive Dom's family is. I don't know if I've mentioned this before but if I have I'm mentioning it again. You can really tell that she's close with her family and it's easy to see that her family really loves her. That's what a true family is, they love you no matter what!
I think Teddy is one of my favourite characters now. Before I really loved that he was so kind, caring and patient but now I also love that you showed he's not a pushover and that there are some things that he just won't put up with.
I think the pace of tour story is perfect, nothing is going too fast so the reader doesn't feel like they're "sprinting" through the chapter (if that makes any sense).
This is one of the most interesting stories that I've read on HPFF in a while and I'd reccommend this to just about anybody that I knew. I usually don't read stories like this or keep reading if I do come across stories like this because I just lose interest but the Worst is different.
Everything about this fanfiction is interesting. I personally think it's the way that you write and the way that you're portraying everything and the fact that this is a side of fanfiction that I've never seen before.
Anyway, this chapter was absolutely brilliant and I look forward to chapter 6!Author's Response: Hey! Thanks a ton for reading and reviewing.
Aww I am so flattered this story had such an impact on you, thanks! *blush*
Haha I am glad you found this to be a 'huge plot twist'. Indeed, something was sure to be up. Yep, Delilah is her boss!
Sure she can be arrested, but let's see how Dom deals with it. And there may be some other reasons apart from the obvious ;)
Biggest plot twists that you've read in a while? OMG you flatter me so much. Thank you.
Indeed, family loves you no matter what, and I am glad that you can see it here =)
Teddy is human after all so of course he's bound to lose his temper every now and then, though he is indeed absolutely awesome xP
I am pleased you like the pace and think it's not too fast as I was worried about that. And yep it makes sense!
OMG most interesting stories that you've read on HPFF? You're really, really flattering me now. Thank you so, so much. You have no idea how much this review means to me. THANK YOU!
I am so happy that you like my writing style and such, thanks a million! YOU ARE AWESOME!! (Yes I couldn't resist using caps lock)! thank you! Report Review
Sorry I'm getting to this so late but I'm finally here with your review. Prepare yourself.
Personally, I found the chapter fast and choppy. Instead of writing 'I am' all of the time, you could just shorten it to 'I'm'. I don't know why but this has become one of the things that bothers me. Whenever I see it just immediately makes the sentence and what I'm reading choppy and I can't get it out of my head.
There were a few punctuation errors, commas where there didn't need to be any (and made the sentence pause awkwardly).
"I and my brother were on our own."
That part seemed awkward to me and I would suggest switching the first part of it so that it read "my brother and I."
"so he can support me and ensure me that everything is going to be alright."
I think the word that you're looking for is "assure" instead of "ensure." They're different words and even though they sound the same, their meaning is different.
There wasn't really any plot in this chapter. It was more of an introduction to the characters and what's happening. Besides the fact that the MC is going to Hogwarts, there wasn't much talk of anything else besides that.
I also thought that when you mentioned the part about the sunrise again was very repetitive. You already told the reader about the MC enjoys watching the sunrise, there's no need to mention it again.
The ending though was dramatic is the only word that I can think of that describes it. Everything was all nice and fluffy and innocent and then the ending happened and I was left thinking "Well then . . . that escalated quickly."
I'm not a big fan of the end, mostly because I'm not a strong believer that one person in your life can cause so much stuff to happen to you and that you become so attached to them and would do literally anything for them even if it meant losing everything that you have. Then again, I'm a very cynical person so that might have something to do with my opinion.
Anyway, even though the ending isn't my cup of tea, I thought it was much more mature than the rest of the chapter. I'll also suggest that you watch out for capitalization and watching out for verb tense. You started out with present and you should stick to present. You switched to past tense a lot.
You aren't off to a bad start but my advice would be to either get a beta or look this chapter over yourself and see if you can fix any of the mistakes that are there. Report Review
Oh Neville, you poor poor boy. This sounded just like him! I felt so bad for Neville but at the same time I was so amused because his panicking was just so funny.
I could definitely see Neville freaking out over something like this, it sounded exactly like him. I felt so bad for him, I can't believe that he thought he would get expelled simply for losing his toad or standing up to his friends just because they were doing something that he thought wrong.
Poor Neville, I just really wanted to give him a hug. I was so happy for him though when he got the news that his parents had gotten better and that he could see them.
You had great verb tense except for that slip-up at the very beginning where you wrote "had" instead of "have" but other than that, I didn't see anything else.
I think the story flowed very well, I thought the ending was a little bit rushed however and I definitely think that you could've gone into detail. Some of the sentences seemed a little bit awkward to me and I would suggest maybe reading through the one-shot again.
I think you did really well for the Overthink It Challenge and I hope that you win!Author's Response: Thank you for the kind review! I loved getting inside Neville's head and his thought process. I will probably go back and edit the ending here soon, as I agree it is a bit rushed and a little awkward. Thanks for reviewing, check out my other stories as well! :) xx
~MadiMalfoy Report Review
Sorry I'm getting to this late but the point is that I'm here with your review!
For someone who doesn't speak English your spelling, grammar and punctuation is absolutely amazing. Congratulations on that. Honestly, there were very barely any mistakes throughout the chapter.
I really like Olivia, she seems like an interesting character and likable. I found that I could relate to her really well because our personalities are really similar. I felt so bad for Katie though, she has to go through that painful transformation every month but at the same time she's really likable because even though she goes through something horrible like turning into a werewolf, she still manages to joke around and tease Olivia. I love the friendship between those two. You can really tell that Olivia cares about Katie and it's really obvious that the two are close just by their dialogue.
I thought Liz was really fun and I think she'll definitely be one of the funny characters in the story. Her friendship with Olivia is really easy-going and cheerful which was nice to see.
You definitely have an interesting story here, one that has great flow and I may not be able to speak for everybody but personally, I would definitely continue reading this story.Author's Response: Hey! No problem, I felt kind of bad asking for a review when you already had so many :p
I had this chapter beta'ed so I can't take all the credit for grammar and all that jazz, but thanks anyway, I'm glad my English is convincing enough!
I'm so happy that you like Olivia and think she's interesting - I worry sometimes that people might find her 'boring' because she's a very calm and easy-going person. So I'm glad you can relate to her, having sort of the same character.
Love it that you caught up on the intimicy or their relationship, it's a very important part throughout the story and I'm glad that it's easy to tell how much they care about each other.
Yeah, Liz is definitely the fun one. She brings up the light, cheerful side in Olivia.
I know my story will probably not be for everyone, as it will take time to develop and I want to make this realistic enough, but I'm so happy that there're people like you who like it. Feel free to continue reading for fun, you don't have to leave a review if you don't feel like it! Feedback is always appreciated, but I completely understand that sometimes it's just nice to read a story without leaving a review :) Report Review
Sorry I'm getting to this so incredibly late! I really should learn to manage my time better.
Anyway, moving on.
In general, the flow of the story was really well, as far as I saw there weren't any mistakes and the dialogue flowed pretty well. I found that there were places where it was a bit choppy but other than that I quite liked the chapter.
You had a good balance between dialogue and description and my favourite part of the story was when Merissa went to Diagon Alley. I love how you described everything and I could picture it in my head all of that magic happening and all of those bright colours. I especially enjoyed reading that part.
Your characters are also very believable and I really like Merissa because she seems just so normal and nice. I definitely think that she's an interesting character. Widow Bellum was certainly interesting. For some reason I found the scenes with her very entertaining. She's also really strict, I felt a little bad for Merissa having to sit like there was a board strapped to her back.
Anyway, good job on the chapter!Author's Response: Thank you very much!
I will read back through to see if I can't fix the choppy areas.
I agree, it's not fun having to sit up tall all the time. But from what I've read of that time period, it was expected. :(
I'm still trying to find just the right balance of obedience and curiosity for Merissa. Widow Bellum has been fun to write.
Thank you very much for reading and reviewing!
I'm so proud of Avery! I was hoping that she would stop goons out on dates with Emerson. I mean, come on, a guy ordering my food for me would be a deal breaker as well.
Now when it comes to Clint Lawson, I think he was accusing James with inaccurate facts. He doesn't just discard women, that would have to imply that he actually dated and slept with them, none of which he did.
If James does date anyone, I hope it's Elizabeth because she's more decent and not creepy and I actually like her! Report Review
Emerson is a sleazebag. Does Sinatra know that he abuses his powers so much. Honestly, Avery should stay away from him. I can't believe some of the things that he says and does.
At first I felt just plain bad for the bloke because James seemed to be picking on him for no apparent reason but now I can see why he does it! I'm hoping that Emerson gets taken down by the end of this. Report Review
And another story has come to an end. This is the second story in my favourite's this year that has been finished!
I sure went on one heck of a ride with this story, The drama and the angst and the happiness.
I'm glad that Al and Addison finally got their wedding and I'm glad that it wasn't a really long wedding that was really dragged out. I really enjoyed reading the story and congratulations on finishing your very first story!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go and look through some of your other stories and read them! Report Review
YOU GO AVERY! I am so proud of her! I am just so proud that she didn't act scared and sad but handed it to her dad! Go Avery!
And I love how James still hasn't realised that he likes Avery even though it's really obvious. Report Review
I'll get right to your concerns about the story. The flow of the story was great, no choppy sentences, no grammatical or punctuation errors and lots of description.
There was more description than there was dialogue but that isn't a bad thing because the description was enjoyable to read. There wasn't too much of it but enough to keep the reader entertained.
I absolutely adore this, it was funny and fluffy and everything sounded exactly like something that Dudley would think. I especially love when he said that Harry could have all the magic because it hurt him. It just made me laugh because it sounded so Dudley.
I also loved the ending where Harry goes from Auror to relaxed and instead of being shocked he just asks his aunt and uncle where on earth they'd been that entire time.
Anyway, I thought this was great and I wish you good luck in the challenge!Author's Response: Thank you very much!
This was a fun story to write, especially with all the different dances available. It was also fun working out how to describe the movements without just naming them. I had briefly considered the "pas de cheval" but decided there wasn't enough room for a horse/centaur in the room. :)
When I wrote that last line, I could almost hear Molly Weasley demanding to know where they've been.
Thank you very much!
I think Dom is my favourite character out of everyone so far. There's just something about her that makes me like her. She's so sassy but she doesn't push it but at the same time she's nice.
When Dom asked Ally if there was anything else that she should know about and Ally said nothing I could not help but just sit here with my mouth hanging open because, hello, yes there's more! How about the fact that two of Dom's cousins could be the babies father! I'd say that's something that Dom needs to know and is important to mention!
What I didn't really understand was why Ally didn't just enlarge her shirt when it didn't fit. I mean, her bursting into tears was perfectly in line with her being pregnant and her hormones acting up (or maybe pregnant people don't just burst into tears for reasons like that and I've watched too much friends). That being said, Dom and Ally are witches, they've got wands and magic at their disposal. They're at school and can use magic, surely one of them would've thought to use and Enlarging Charm or something like that.
If I was Ally, I would be extremely suspicious of my dad using the term "love" with a fellow teacher. I would be wondering what he was up to and I'd snooping through his things to see if there was anything going on. Then again, maybe I just like sticking my nose in people's business and I want to know everything.
I'd also suggest reading the entire chapter over and fixing some grammatical errors that caught my eye. One thing that was really bothering me was this sentence in particular:
"Rose Weasley: Dom, James and Fred's cousin came in with a book in her hand."
The use of a colon is to make an abrupt ending and that sentence was anything but abrupt. Personally, I would take out the colon and replace it with brackets so that the sentence ended up looking like this:
"Rose Weasley (Dom, James and Fred's cousin) came in with a book in her hand."
There was also a line where Dom was talking to Ally (at least I think that's what it was) and there wasn't any quotation mark to say that Dom had stopped talking so when I kept reading it sounded strange to me and I had to go back and re-read the paragraph because I thought I'd read something wrong.
Anyway, not a bad chapter, you left off with a good cliffhanger and I liked everyone's reaction to the news about Al.Author's Response: Hey,
Dom is my favourite as well especially since I'm trying to write her different to my other Dom's.
You're right but Ally didn't exactly think it was the best place to tell Dom that which is why she didn't.
Neither of them thought of it and the engorgement charm makes think swell rather than stretch.
Haha, Ally's preoccupied with her pregnancy but there is some snooping to come.
Thanks for pointing that out. I re-read it but I couldn't find the line you were speaking of, which one was it?
Hello, I'm here with your requested review! I should actually be studying for my exam that's at the end of next month but I can't seem to focus and I just plain don't want to study so here I am, earlier than I planned with your review!
The flow of the story wasn't all that bad but it was often interrupted by the many grammatical errors throughout the story. You often misspell words or use the wrong word (like "spear" instead of "spare" and "choir" instead of "chores"). There were also times where I was left confused because some sentences seemed to have been left unfinished. I would have to read the sentence several times in order to understand what was being said.
"Not soon after all eight of us where packed (literally) into Dad’s Angelina."
That part, for instance, took me a while to understand because there was no comma in that sentence anywhere and without that comma the sentence seemed to be left hanging.
The chapter also seemed to go by really fast. Often, scenes seemed rushed through and it kind of felt like I was sprinting through everything because everything was just happening really fast. I would suggest slowing down the pace of the story and adding in more description.
When it comes to characterization, I can't comment on the original character because she wasn't a Weasley in the actual series, she doesn't exist in the books so I can't really comment on much. Everyone else seemed to be spot on though with how they were (although I don't really understand why Harry would be amused by the Weasley's considering he doesn't know how to get on to the platform and he needs them to show him).
I also don't remember him ever sticking his head out of the window to wave at anyone. Harry doesn't know anyone on the platform, his relatives aren't there and he really has no reason to be waving to the Weasley's. He doesn't know the Weasley's yet. Harry waving at the Weasley's would be like me hugging a stranger who gave up their seat for me on the bus.
Also, I highly doubt that Molly Weasley would swear in front of her ten-year-old daughter just because Fred and George made her angry. Molly gets mad but Molly doesn't get that mad.
Anyway, you aren't off to a bad start but there's definitely room for improvement and my suggestion would be to get a beta-reader to help you out with everything.Author's Response: Thank you for procrastinating beautifully!
I see what you mean about the grammatical errors and I've taken your advice on the BETA reader. Grammar is defiantly my down fall for many reasons.
After looking over the story I also see that it went by really fast with no description on what things look like. Something I know is important if a person has never read HP before.
I'm also going to take your advice on Harry being amused, now that I look back I understand that Harry would be much more confused and panicky then amused.
It wasn't him that was waving, but I did not make it clear in my words that it was Ginny running down the station waving at her brothers. Thank you for pointing that out for me. :)
Thank with the help and critic on everything!
Sweetinferno Report Review
It's been a while since I read this! Anyway, I'm hear to leave the review that you requested. It'll probably end up being short because I don't have anything to comment on so I'll just gush for this one.
Again, I love the idea of seeing things from the Wolf's point of view as it's never done before. I love that we get to see what the transformations are actually like instead of them just being vaguely mentioned.
I was so excited to see that the part where Snape almost died. This part is rarely mentioned in fanfictions and I can name on my fingers the amount of fanfictions that have this part in them (and in case you were wondering, it's two).
I actually thought that James, Remus and Peter would've actually been even angrier with Sirius than they were. I mean, I get that James is mad at him and Remus can't even put his rage into words but what Sirius did was big enough to destroy their friendship. Can you just imagine if you were Remus and one of your closest friends did this to you just to get back at someone? I don't know about you but I would be beyond mad, that friendship would be pretty much destroyed for me.
Anyway, personally, this has been my one problem with Sirius. The fact that he thought telling Snape to go and find Remus while he was transformed as a lesson to stop following them around. He could've just as easily gone to Dumbledore and said that Snape is always trying to snoop around and find out what Remus does every full moon (without giving away the animagus secret).
Anyway, I enjoyed the chapter and I think you did an awesome job on it. Keep up the great work! Report Review
I don't think I can say this enough but this fanfiction is awesome! That being said, you slipped up on your verb tense a lot throughout this. Half of it was in past tense and then you would switch to present tense and you stayed that way for the rest of the chapter while slipping into past tense some of the time.
You definitely need to look out for that and I'd personally suggest reading the chapter over a couple of times before sending it to your beta or leaving it for a day or two and then coming back to it (I know it works for me).
I definitely love where the story is going so far and I'm excited to see what happens during the MC's first day at Hogwarts. Obviously, she's not going to loosen up around the place and I'm betting it's going to take a while for Eun to start relaxing and realise that not all magic is bad.
I felt so insulted when she called Harry bonkers for claiming that Voldemort was back. I know that she wouldn't know any better but it's like a reflex reaction with me now.
My last CC is that you had a few grammatical errors throughout the chapter but other than that you did an awesome job and I enjoyed reading the chapter!
Oh, and you can definitely come back and re-request for other chapters if you want.Author's Response: Awww, thank you so much! :) Yeah, I really worry about my verb tense a lot. With so much worry, you'd think I would know it better by now, but I think with all of the going back, and the rewriting, and the editing, it gets mixed in from when she is telling a bit of something from the past (no matter how long ago) to her talking presently. I do know the first quarter of the challenge was technically the past, and her getting out of the carriage was present, but I know there were many slip ups even there.
I'm really excited to start out with chapter three! :D I should be writing it soon, too. It's planned anyway. You'll get to see just exactly what it is that she does once school is in session.
I felt as though I were betraying myself when she called Harry bonkers xD. Though, I had to since it is based during the fifth Potter book and everyone who didn't believe in him thought he was. So, being deaf and absolutely knew to the magical world, I thought it was the only believable route to go with her. :)
I'm really glad that you like the story! It makes me happy because I'm falling in love with it as well! (More so than when I started it a while ago). I have so many plans for Eun, and I'm super excited to reveal them! Thank you for the read and review! When chapter three is up, I'll definitely be by to re-request! Thanks again! Report Review
I'm here for the review battle!
Anyway, this is off to an interesting start! I love the amount of description that there's in the chapter and the flow of it is really well. The dialogue is also pretty great and doesn't seem choppy or forced at all.
I think my favourite person is Flint. I know, it's only chapter 1 and we barely know him but just the fact that he sent James in with that note made him my favourite person (unless he starts to act like a douche as the story goes on of course).
Anyway, you're off to a good start!Author's Response: thanks so much for your awesome review, I'm so glad you like where this is going. Flint is awesome and you'll be seeing more of him in later chapters as well :) let me know what you thiink of him if you decide to keep reading?
~M Report Review
What happened to Nia! She was all nice and decent and then all of a sudden the needy and desperate person pops out of her and its like "woah"
I have finally come across a story where James doesn't wound like a complete girl! HALLELUJAH! Report Review
PRAISE THE LAWD THERE'S A NEW CHAPTER! Okay, so I understand that you were in College but I'm still happy that there's a new chapter.
I actually forgot what had happened in the last chapter so I had to go and skim over it to make sure I knew where I was. But anyway! I loved the ending where James and Ara make up (I'm assuming that they made up). It's been so long. Please tell me that they've made up and that they're back to being friends. Report Review
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