Really really good, just can't help wondering what Ginny was doing thinking through all of this!!Author's Response: Thank you for the response.
I amglad you liked my story.
I have others as well.
Well done, left me wanting more, what more can you ask of a story.Author's Response: Aww, I'd love to carry it on but I think I should leave it suspensful. Report Review
An oddly pleasant story told from an odd angle, kind of a reminiscent Hermione. Seems sad about her happiness! Report Review
Very confusing, jumps from time to time with little or no warning.
Sorry but I'm sure you as the author know what is going on and why but it hasn't been clearly displayed for the reader.Author's Response: I was very worried about the jumps in this one. I asked some people and they said it was alright, so I decided against putting them in order. But finally, I've put them in order now so it should be easier to navigate through it all. Thank you so much for reviewing! Report Review
Sad but touching ... bravoAuthor's Response: thank you so much for you review. Report Review
This doesn't work at all, it jumps from one random idea to another without rhyme or reason.
Needs alot of work. Report Review
What happened to Belatrix? She's there to kill them then they start snogging, and instead of trying to fight back the nip off for a quick sh@g? Report Review
Hermione is crying in Harry's arms ... why would Ginny think something is going on?
Then Ginny gives Harry a strange ultimatum ... she gives him the choice she doesn't want him to have!
Lastly Harry's in the kitchen then the last line says "Harry's head hit the pillow and he slipped into a confused, deep sleep..." In the kitchen!!!
I can see what you're trying to do, separate the couples and get Harry and Hermione together, but I think you need more space to do it and alot more words. Report Review
Like the idea but its just a little off. Why is Ron cheating on Hermione, what happened. Why are Harry and Hermione suddenly acting on feelings they have ignored or repressed for long enough to fall in love and marry their current partners?
Good but just too many holes. Report Review
This is just sensationalist ... the characters are generic, could be Bob and Susan and as long as you know Bob loves Susan it doesn't make any difference to the story.
Grey and a little tasteless. Report Review
Beautiful and sad very well done. Report Review
Hi Bethany Rose,
Hey don't quit, your story is good and the grammer, syntax and spelling are getting better each chapter, which means they are less distracting allowing your story and characters to take centre stage.
The flow of this chapter was also much improved, keep going ... just write the story for you, don't worry about readers or reviewers.
LostintransitAuthor's Response: Thank you :D Report Review
Overall, not bad, but its a bit jumpy, all their individual stories don't flow together. Watch the spelling, punctuation and grammer.
keep writing, I still wanna know what happens. Report Review
Good so far, is it just me or is Harry acting more 14 than 17?
Keep up the good workAuthor's Response: I know but I'm not sure how to make his seam older because I'm younger than Harry would be. I know the begining of my story is very weak so do you have any sugestions on how to improve it? I'm just wondering! Report Review
Very good, a lot more fluid than the last chapter, again wathe the spelling and punctuation. Report Review
This mugglised Harry stikes me as a little odd. He's could perform magic to protect himself. His Uncle pushes him around and Harry just sits in his room then sits in the car and does nothing. Where has that HP angst and anger gone, the anger that blew up Aunt Marge.
He's scared of the DE's arrival but leave the house knowing that he will be left alone in the hospital and he doesn't even take his wand.
You could blame these things on his condition, but Harry has had far worse injuries from playing Quidditch? I dould have loved to have seen Harry's X-rays, after all the times he's broken bones, I think you missed a fine oppertunity to have the muggle world sic social services on Uncle V, for mistreating Harry.
Please don't take these observations to heart, the fact that your first chapter has caused me to ask so many question is good. The worst thing a piece of writing can do is make the reader not care.
Spelling and lack of punctuation can be distracting, some examples below.
On to chapter two, please keep writing.
bottom of the stair.
bottom of the stairs.
He found that his aunt uncle and cousin had already started their meal.
He found, that his aunt, uncle and cousin, had already started their meal.
"Mum, is there any more"
"Mum, is there any more?"
lost more weight that Dudley himself but this was probably due to the face that his meals
lost more weight than Dudley himself but this was probably due to the fact that his meals
You have no respect of us and-”.
You have no respect for us and-”.
I don’t think keeping a small boy locked in a cupboard all his life and treating him like a slave whilst half starving him is respectful”
I don’t think keeping a small boy, locked in a cupboard all his life and treating him like a slave, whilst half starving him is respectful.”
REST OF THE HOLLIDAYS!
REST OF THE HOLIDAYS!
yalled Harry furiously
yelled Harry furiously
worry anyone but had to something.
worry anyone but had do to something.
He lied down on his bed
He lay down on his bed
back to steep again.
back to sleep again.
Ah, your awake”
Ah, you're awake!”
just the face that he knew Harry’s arm
just the fact that he knew Harry’s arm
The blond nurse came in
The blonde nurse came in
Mr Dersley, we need to talk
Mr Dursley, we need to talk
front door beaconing Harry out
front door beckoning Harry outAuthor's Response: thanks for the review! I'm not sure how to update these mistakes because I had to edit the chapter many times to get it to submit and I never edited it on my computer. Also I darent change it in case it is rejected again! Report Review
So they both have famous parents, they're overshadowed by. The both have only on difference between their physical appearance and this famous parent and they are both losing that difference. They're about to be thrown into ancient runes together.
Still don't know where this is going or what type of story you are trying to write here. The writing is good I just think you could have made your two characters more unique and more approachable or motivated. They both wish to be different but are unwilling to do anything about it.
Maybe your saving this for later, but want to know now!
Hope you post soon.Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! The idea that they are so similar yet aren't aware how similar they are is a big part of this story.
I hope you continue to read and review. I'm always looking for ways to improve! :) Report Review
Hmmm I think Ms Porter and Mr. Potter may be destined to spend some time together. Still unsure where this garden path is leading ... but you still have me wanting to find out.
Will 3rd year bring romance, danger or deeper introspection?
Had hoped for a more definite direction, but I'm still reading the next chapter. Report Review
Nice introspective feel to this, interested to see where your going to take it. Little short for an opening chapter, for my liking but hey ... that's just me.
Keep up the good work. Report Review
Absolutely brilliant, a childrens tale told to perfection.
My hat is off to youAuthor's Response: Thank you so much; I'm glad you liked it! :) Report Review
Hermione divided from Ron, Ginny giving Harry the cold shoulder ... things are not looking good for our fantastic four. Especially since Ron and Harry are about to begin living the bachelor life, Ogdens Firewhiskey and butterbeer are sure to take part ;0)
Like the way your setting you stage before the story really takes off. Personally I would have combined Chapters 1 and 2 to get the setup out of the way and make a chapter of good length.
Puzzled ... but I want to see where you're bringing us with this.Author's Response: Thanks for continuing to read.. I really appreciate your comments.
I did consider combining the first two chapters and might do if I decide to post this anywhere else as well but to be really honest I had what I thought could pass as a cliffhanger for the first chapter and really wanted to get something posted to get me started...
The chapters will, (hopefully) be 3000+ from now on so be prepared for more reading!
Hope you enjoy the next chapter! Report Review
Brave ... very brave, it’s one thing to adapt or add new things to a body of work like HP but to make such a fundamental change right at the start ... it gives you a great amount of lee-way, but also means you could veer off track.
I'm very interested to see just where you go with this.Author's Response: Hopefully, you don't feel that I veered too much off track. I like to do "what if?" stories and although there have been plenty of time travel stories, I picked an unusual person to make the trip. Report Review
Hmmm a bit short but a good start to year 8 at Hogwarts. I can't help wondering would the wizarding world forget their sacrifice so quick? But its your story and if you want it that way ... fair enough ... just justify it ... please!!
But what will Harry do with all his free time?Author's Response: Thanks for your review!
Don't worry the world hasn't forgotten their sacrifices! It is all to come in the following chapters...
I have plans for R/Hr as well as how Harry deals with everything that happened but I don't want to give anything away just yet.
I already have a second slightly longer chapter just waiting to be validated whilst I begin the third.
I hope you keep reading and enjoy future chapters! Report Review
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