Reading Reviews From Member: Shinicha
141 Reviews Found

Review #26, by ShinichaSirius Black: Escape from Azkaban: Chapter One: A Dog's Day of Freedom

5th August 2015:
Hi! I'm here for the review swap and terribly sorry that I'm so late!

It was really, really hard to choose a story out of the ones you posted as they all - all! - seemed alluring and interesting. Thus, I went for the one with the smallest number of reviews!

Believe me, it is difficult to write a review for this, because I don't think I can properly put into words what it made me feel.

To start with, the idea to write Harry's 3d year from Sirius' POV is a good one, and a big challenge at that. It is almost impossible to imagine what someone feels and thinks after 13 years of imprisonment. However, you did a superb job with it; the start in itself is beautiful and sets the mood of the story.

I also loved how you described Sirius discovering his emotions and perceptions again after being cut off them for so long. The scene at the beach was really touching! Although can never help feeling sad when I read a story about characters that I KNOW will die all to soon.

The interaction between him and James reminded me a lot of Harry's encounters with his father - in GoB or with the stone of resurrectoin - the way he talked and the misty state between reality and ghostly dream. Personally, I would like it even more if you took out the sentences that confirm what the reader unevitably thinks: that this is not quite a dream (but how can it be real?) But that's simply a matter of personal taste.

You managed convincingly to depicts his radical mood shifts and the complexity of his emotions. Your descriptions were wonderful in detail and expression but never too much!

I would love to see the story continued and to read what his encounters with Harry are like to Sirius, but even as a stand-alone piece it's quite beautiful. I'm really glad I read this, and I want to check out your other stories too!

Author's Response: Thanks, and sorry for the long wait for my reply, been off for a bit. I'm really glad that you enjoyed this. :)

 Report Review

Review #27, by ShinichaThis is Angelina: Memories

5th August 2015:
Hi! I'm here for the review swap - sorry I took so long!

First of all, you really managed to surprise me. When I read the synopsis, I imagined the story to start after the war - but you plunged right into the last scene. I have big respect for you doing this; I imagine it to be incredibly difficult to think of everything that the book describes and fit it a story of your own.

With this you did a really good job - in all this time that we follow Harry running around the castle, others are fighting. The horror of the war - especially in the second chapter - are crazily well decribed. It really made me shiver. You used a richness of words to convey the huge things happening around Angelina and in her mind too. Even more than in the original can we feel what it would mean to be in the middle of death happening!

The flashback of Angelina's childhood was also very well written and you fleshed out the different characters of George and Fred very well and gave Alicia a very shining personality that I immediately took to (although I felt that you were very harsh with Percy :D haha)

In between there are the love stories woven in. I honestly thought it was very interesting to have such a daring teenie-action mix. Mostly, I liked how you wrote it, although I can't help but think the discussions about love confessions would maybe not take place in a setting like this. But who knows?

The only things that I thought could be improved were, on one hand,
- punctuation (many sentences are too long and commas would ease the read immensely; also the usage of punctuation marks before and after direct speech is somewhat irregular)

- and on the other hand the introduction of canon characters. I feel here you rely too much on "the Trio" to explain how Angelina would know them or think about them. For example, it is very easy to imagine that Angelina knows Eloise without mentioning Hermione!

Other than that I think your story is really gripping and well written. I noticed some smaller mistakes that you might want to change:

Chapter 1:
* "Angelina nodded in understanding before pulling playfully on the hood of her cloak, knowing that on any other day, she would have hated hiding her blonde hair." - in this sentence it is not clear that "her" referrs to Alicia, so I got confused when suddenly blonde hair was mentioned!

*"Angelina walked a ways with Alicia in the warm night air, she had lit the fireplace earlier for something to do and to warm her cold hands." This part of the sentence doesn't very well connect to its beginning; also I don't really understand the reference to the fireplace?

*"Only, Harry doesn't want us to fight for him, he wants to handle this on his own, but we can't do that, we can't let him win.” Neville said fiercely." - here, it reads as if "him" refers to Harry, so maybe you could say "Voldemort" (don't know if Neville uses the name at the end) or any other name to clarify.

Chapter 2:
"The Quidditch supply room had been broken into only a few minutes before and she was surprised by just how heavy it was" - this usage of passive made me wonder who broke in (it was her and Angelina right?), and also "how heavy IT was" grammatically would mean the supply room, so the box should be mentioned again!

- “are you sure that they'll know what to do?”
“Of course. Until I tell them to,” ... - Written like this it would mean that the Bludgers know what to do up to the point where she tells them to (what?) - so I think it would make more sense to change "until" to "When"

*"undiluted Bubotuber puss that they were going to lug it over the walls." - pus (one s), and the "it" is not needed :)

*"darted away into the fray before Angelina could determine that he was all right - "whether he was alright"

- In the memory of first year, Katie Bell is mentioned, however I think she is one year younger than Alicia and Angelina!

*"but it was only when they were going to their separate dorms did she realize why" - "that she realized" would be correct

*"Percy and Clearwater, the two happy little Prefects" - I got a bit confused as the two weren't actually Prefects at that time. Is it meant that they behave like ones? Maybe another word would be better!

* "Its been a really good day" - change to "It's"

* "she realized that she was still disoriented and thought that they were still outside of their dorms, back in first year." - this part is kind of a contradiction of how you started the paragraph! Because you first wrote that she isn't surprised at all to find herself in the middle of the war.

*"The sight was more devastating than a lie" I think this is meant as an allegory, but it seems a bit random to me as I unvoluntarily thought it referred to a specific lie ("did I miss something??")

I hope it's okay to point these things out!


Author's Response: HELLO!

Thank you a thousand times for this review and stopping by! I'm sorry that I'm just now responding to it though. D':

I think a few people have commented on the fact that I didn't start this story after the War was over. This is pretty short but the first four chapters actually focus on the Battle of Hogwarts. The remaining chapters focus on the aftermath of it (That's actually the name of my favorite chapter in this entire story) and I thought that it was a good balance.

I made sure that I did my research while I was writing the Battle. I didn't want to focus on Harry and his friends because we already KNOW what they're going through. It was easier for me to shape what Angelina was seeing around other events that you all would recognize, forcing her to be in the middle of everything that she couldn't stop. It was a kind of exhausting writing so much angst though but your reaction to it was just what I needed! I wanted you all to feel every single thing and one person left me a review a long time ago saying that she nearly tasted the blood in the air. Now THAT was a compliment that made me feel so amazed and even a little scared by!

I really liked the flashback because not only do you get a sense of what Angelina's relationship with George will be like in the future, you get a good idea of who he is without Fred. That was essential. I shall not apologize about making Percy into a git, although I do love him more than any other Weasley sometimes.

Punctuation is not my strongest suit.

The thing about Angelina being introduced to canon characters through the Trio is simply to show that she was everywhere and nowhere. I wanted to give you all the idea that she didn't really hang around the twins and the others ALL the time. I'm sure that she talked to Hermione and the others a little here and there too but there's also this thing that I wanted to play around with. You know who these people are already but to someone like Angelina, who doesn't have the closest relationship to them, seeing those same people dead or in danger just creates a whole different emotion.

Or something like that.

THe CC's that you pointed out are the same ones that get me every time. It's weird how that happens AFTER the chapter is posted, right? Hahahaha.

Thanks so much for the review!


 Report Review

Review #28, by Shinicha'Eyes' with an 'L': Boom

4th August 2015:
I'm really really really amazed by this story, I love it.

The mood you set in this story fits it perfectly. It has the childishness that must be there, since it's about 7-11 year old kids. It's very touching, but not really tragic, but it manages to grip the reader right from the start. Especially the opening lines are very well chosen.

To make it a Lily-story is ingenious. While I always imagined Lily's parents to be understanding and super-nice, your take on them is much more probable (why else would a sister hold a grudge over decades if not for parents clearly treating their kids accordingly).

The tenseness of Severus, and even twisting his motive for joining the Death Eaters is .. wow. I also loved how you did James - loud and arrogant maybe, but he never made fun of her and makes an effort right from the start.

Your descriptions of Lily's hearing experience were really powerful! The sound that doesn't go away, that sits in her brain, made me literally squirm and very uncomfortable. (it must be like a permanently implanted tinitus!!)

Funnily, I just had a discussion about the benefits/problems of chochlea-implants a few days ago with some friends. I think you captured how a person must feel to be torn between two "worlds" perfectly in Lily.

I'm not sure, but as I understood it the implant is something that is done if a hearing aid won't be strong enough. I went to an elementary school that had an 'inclusion' project so a third of my class had some kind of hearing disability. I definitely remember some kids in school having the implant, but that was the end of the 90s. They do hear some things, but it's clear that it's different (but I'm speaking for those who were born with hearing disability).
So yes, it really was like talking in a foreign language, in Sign, but also for them to learn German. I've always loved the thought that in the same place two languages emerge naturally, with familiarities that are completely indifferent to what is happening in spoken languages (ie Austrian and American Sign are related, while the German one isn't), like when Severus and Lily make up signs for things in the magic world - an overlap that more or less exists only for the two of them.

So ... thanks for this wonderful story.

Author's Response: Hello! Oh thank you for the surprise review on this story :D

Oh man, so those opening lines. I very nearly gave up on this story a number of times because the prompt ("lily evans+deaf") was so hard to reconcile with canon. Like, there are just so many canon thingies about her being Hearing (especially in Snape's memories), and Cochlear implants weren't available to the public until later. BUT YEAH, I was just so into those opening lines that I pushed to find a way to make it work.

James was def tricky, because I wanted to be in line with Annoying!James from canon, while not making him unlikable either. So yeah, he's never MEAN to her, and is genuinely interested and curious.

I was taking a Deaf Studies/ASL class at the time, so I used a lot of what I learned there when I was writing this. And I talked to a bunch of people on the forums who have experience with cochlears and read a bunch of first person narratives to try and get it accurate.

One thing I really wanted to get across here is how, for a lot of people, Deaf is an identity more than a disability. So yeah, the emphasis on Sign as a distinct language (rather than just pantomiming spoken language), and all that stuff. I'm so glad that, as a person with experience with this community, you found it interesting and compelling!

Thanks again so much for this review!


 Report Review

Review #29, by ShinichaThe Dirigible Plum Disaster: The Dirigible Plum Disaster

4th August 2015:
Hi! :) Here for the swap.

I chose this story since I thought the title was intruiging, and also because I'd written about Hugo before so I was curious what your Hugo would be like!

I think this is a lovely One-Shot. As the son of Ron and with this slightly dorky name in my head he would be one of the "funny Weasleys". But in your story he's a very mature, serious and loving person. I liked it!

The plot you chose was really quirky, I loved the idea: First the 'suspense' of who is Tony? Until we find out it's a plant. And then the plant becomes the focus point around which their relationship and personalities come to live and are shown. It's good!

I also liked how you switched the tenses very cleverly during the text - the back and forth between past and present is very smoothly but well done.

Although I personally would go crazy with a unreliable person like Finn, it's really cute how they make up in the end and try their personalities to match: Hugo's (obsessive?) love for plants, and Finn's chronic unreliability.

So overall a really sweet fluffy one-shot, you really can be happy about how it turned out :)

I noticed one small mistake: "And Louis is has to go to Rome on Tuesday for work." - one verb too many!

Thanks for the nice read :)

Author's Response: Hello!
I had a ton of fun with this one-shot, especially since it was my first time writing Hugo, so I'm glad you enjoyed it!
The idea of someone trying (and failing) to keep their significant other's plant alive is what inspire this, and then as soon as that idea came to me, I knew that it was going to be Hugo and his boyfriend. I had a ton of fun with Finn, too. He's just so nervous and forgetful, but I found it really endearing while I was writing it because he always has such good intentions.
Thank you for pointing out the typo! I'll have to go fix that.
I'm glad you liked this and thought it was cute! Thank you so much for the great review!
Cassie :)

 Report Review

Review #30, by ShinichaYear Five: Recreational Magic Abuse Recovery

3rd August 2015:
Hah, I'm back again! The last review was written drunk, but I promise, this is all crispy and sober, from the library even!

First of all: Isobel and Lucas, I knew it! :D
I didn't expect it to be her first time though. Can there be a first time that is actually "good"? I have never heard about anyone saying that about their own experience ... I kind of hope that he will get some space in the story again and not disappear like Sophie. Although it's probably unlikely since he lives as a Muggle in the US most of the time, as it seems?

The reasoning behind not letting them stay at Tristan's seems really feeble. The "Rec Magic" thing, that Isobel's parents worry so much about, seems a far better reason to distrust their kid's friends than possible ...sleeping around.

As to the scene in Mungo's: I think you did a fabulous job with EVERYTHING. First, I loved the passing comments on what is going on in the hospital (moths! insects! what a terror!) and the different departments.

Secondly, I think you managed to pin-point Luna's attitude perfectly, her dreaminess mixed with a weird down-to-earthness! It is quite sad to think of her past like this, with a dead mother and a depressed father. Also, there is clearly a Hex Head gang missing in the younger years, since she couldn't find any friends!

During the meeting with Laurel, the tension and delicacy of the situation was feasable. You don't want to treat your friend differently, but at the same time it seems dishonest to just ignore the big, pink elephant that is sitting in your midst (probably having fun with the biscuits)

The bracelett-hobby only added to the horror of what Laurel went through! (even though I also enjoyed making them when I was little.) She doesn't seem like a person that can get lost in "small details", but more of a big-rash-bigger thinker.

I wonder how you will make them interact once she's back to school.

On a side note: I tried to super-coolly slip in "stoked" during a conversation, but as my friends are also non-native speakers it ended up being a bit lame when I had to explain my Libanese friend what it meant. Next time!

Also, while I've always loved VU I didn't know Sunday Morning. As it so happens, I also started doing Yoga in the morning. So I'll try this Emiliesque intersection!

Author's Response: So glad that I'm not the only one who leaves drunk reviews! YAS! (But for the record, you seemed perfectly cogent to me :))

You make a good point that there isn't much by way of SPECIAL first times in this story. I guess here I just wanted a character to have a "whilst on holiday" experience, since that's a thing.

THAT SILLY WORRY! Man, those sorts of "you canNOT sleep at a boy's house!" parents were the bane of my teenage years. Luckily my mom was reasonable, but I had friends whose parents weren't.

Yee, I had so much fun making up those waiting room maladies :D

And I'm SO GLAD you liked my Luna! She might be the single most difficult character to get right, and I knew I was already asking a LOT of readers by expanding her backstory in this way. (Oh, and I headcanon that Luna totally continued hanging out with these older kids once she started Hogwarts [granted, they behaved themselves better around her], but then they graduated before Harry met her).

It is VERY difficult to carry on and hang out like normal when you're visiting a friend in this sort of context. Glad that the awkwardness there came off. And I really like your analysis of Laurel :)


Heheh, Sunday Morning is probs the only VU song one can do yoga to. OH, and that Y5 playlist I linked you to (the one in my forums blog) has a really neat cover of it!

 Report Review

Review #31, by ShinichaYear Five: Muggle Magic

29th July 2015:
Ahh okay, I hope I have kept everything in my mind that I wanted to comment on (not sure if I did).

1. Okay so when I said last chapter that locking their kid up to protect it is NOT the way to do it, now this is exactly what Isobel's parents are doing ... but admittedly, she's a different case to Tristan.

I really feel with her concerning the smoking-thing though. I never went as far as smoking in the shower (how obvious would THAT be?) but from eating bananas to hide the smell and washing my hands to carrying around perfume I did all kinds of things :D All in all, she is handling the pressure with much elegance and patience though. Maybe it is because she only has to spend her holiday's with them, but I admire her self-composure.

2. I immensely enjoyed the "muggle-wizard" interaction! First, it was nice to see how grown-ups get along so well and do not clash as it so often happens in stories and also real-life (slightly disapproving families, forced politeness...) It also feels scary that I almost can relate more to the parents than to the kids. Damnit, I'm only 23!

3. On the other hand you wrote about so many things I was wondering about when reading the books! I never did much research reading the Wiki, so I have to ask: Are the facts about hags being a different species, and about Arithmancy made up? Or true? In any case: interesting!

4. Nice way to mention Albus fist boyfriend btw :D

5. And the subtle critique of state meddling was also amusing. If the Unspeakables are anything close to our intelligence services or "constitution protection units" they're nothing but despicable. òo

6. I laughed at the "hippie-ness" of Emily's parents. They seem very lovely.

7. Speaking of family: There is SO something gonna happen between Isobel and Lucas. RIGHT?

A few more things:

-Isobel's non-eating habits are worrying (I once read this book "air for breakfast" (was the roughly from German translated title), and felt shocked when I felt I could agree to almost every point up to the stage where the main cast grew these baby-hairs that the body produces when you hunger too much. ISOBEL DON'T GROW HAIR. EAT.

-Thanks for also introducing me to the word "stoked", I'll be careful to use it from now on :P

- I noticed a minor spelling error: "iare you certain you're getting enough protein?” "

- brownies are tricky, I hope they don't plan to eat all of them at once, otherwise they might have to extend their visit to the rehab clinic!

Author's Response: Ooh fancy, I'll reply in number form too :)

1. The interesting thing here is that I'm not sure whether or not this was even a good idea :P Like, I write it as though it isn't, but maybe it is?

Heh, I smoked in the shower, and it WAS obvious. Me and my friends would do it under the auspice of shaving our legs. Bloody ridiculous.

2. I wrote this when I was 23! And yes, I weirdly identified with the parents a lot too! I think it was the first time I properly looked at a parents' perspective and tried to consider why they do what they do in, like, a mature way.

3. The thing about Hags is from Fantastic Beasts (they're given the classification of 'Being,' which implied to me that they're a separate species). The Arithmancy thing was kinda made-up though. I looked into it, and it seemed way too simple to have an entire course on stretching multiple years (since it's basically just one kind of divination), so I messed around with it by including some numerology stuff and some other neat ideas I had :)

4. RIGHT! Elphias was TOTALLY Albus' boyfriend at some point! Like, COME ON. That eulogy?

5/6. Heh, yeah. The Unspeakables always struck me as shadowy and sketch, and some of their research reminds me of CIA tests back in the 50s and stuff. The Madleys DEF have a perspective I've seen before (a lot of my friends have hippie parents)


-OH MAN, I just looked up that book and HOW WEIRD. Ok, so one of my friends is recovering from anorexia nervosa right now and her name is Serafina! ~WoOoOoOoOo~

-Heh, 'stoked.' My California is showing :P

-Whoops! Thank you! Editing now!

-oof, yes. Edibles can be QUITE easy to overdo!

YEE! Thank you so much for another fantastic review!


 Report Review

Review #32, by ShinichaOne Night Sin: Chapter 1

29th July 2015:
Hi, here to "show some love" ;)

First of all, I think you did a really great job in building the tension, going into just enough details while balancing them out with dialogue in less than 1000 (!) words!

Am I right assuming that the "cliché" you had to work with was waking up after a spontanious night of... love making? ^^

I sensed a certain satirical flirt with the cliché in the beginning - the way she describes him as "personification of grace and perfection" that made me smile. This could've been a cue to turn this story into a humorous one.

But you managed to elegantly twist the story into something more serious - self-blame because of something that might not be big deal for many people but is for a girl with a strict Hindi background.

In my head, this story could easily be spun into a longer story, work on the conflict or how Shreya will learn to deal with it.

The way the story ends, however, leaves the reader with a bitter feeling and an idea of "doom". That's not necessarily bad thing, and I think it is well executed to leave a lasting imprint. However it does have the strong feeling of a "prologue" with something to follow. So if the idea has crossed your mind to extend this story, I think it'd be definitely worth it!

I noticed a few small things that you might (or might not) want to change:

-- "---burning lust as their eyes met across their room" - I think it should be "the" room

-- "And you watched as his eyes came to rest on you" - I got a bit confused by the sudden change of perspective, as the rest of the story is written in third person. i think it might be more consistent if you changed this to "And she watched ... etc"

-- "one of the other four posters while the other beds were empty and unmade"
I know, I know I'm overly sensitive when it comes to word repititions! But I think for the flow of the sentence you might want to change one of the "others", i.e. "one of the other four posters while the rest of the beds were empty"

-- "The word sunk deep into the crevices of her brain, filling them with shame" This is really a stylistic decision, but in my head if felt more logical if the word filled "her" with shame instead of the crevices of her brain.

-- "Dirty and Impure" - impure not in capitals :)

-- "“It doesn’t concern you,” Shreya muttered, even as her heart sank" - The "even" in this sentence confused me a bit, maybe you should just erase it? (or maybe I'm not getting it!)

I hope you don't mind me pointing these things out!
Thanks for a nice read and good luck in the challenge :)

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for reviewing this! It was so sweet of you to stop by like that. ♥

Ah you picked up on all the little nuances. I tend to write certain satirical lines since it's a cliche after all but I'm also trying to make this as legit as possible. The prompt is teenage pregnancy (i've added it in the A/N now) and I figured bringing in a different culture would actually give this a twist that would make it something different from the typical fics that we find on this theme. And your comments are really encouraging, thank you so so much!

And yes, this is going to be a short story, unless it turns out to become something longer, and I really hope you come back to read on. :)

Ah thank you so much for pointing those things out. I haven't gotten this beta'ed yet and I completely missed those little things. I've made all those changes except for the Impure one because that was intentional. It's more like her calling herself those names, sort of like proper nouns - you get? It's a stylistic thing.

You're such a darling! ♥ I haven't really seen you around before now, I'll definitely be stopping by your AP once my schedule clears a bit. Thank you so much again. :)

 Report Review

Review #33, by ShinichaYear Five: The Big Thing

28th July 2015:
The things are getting intense and there is truly not one incredient of teenage drama missing!

Unfortunately I have never read the Casual Vacancy, however I love your writing. The scene in Hogsmeade was, just incredible. Not because my wish for psychedelic drugs has come true ( :P ), but because of the smartness with which you wove in the future-present-trippy parts. Also, I am now bursting to know what the BIG THING might be. When Tristan first didn't want to reveal his middle name that started with "R", I irrationally thought of Riddle (which doesn't make any sense whatsoever, since it's a last name PLUS hardly anyone realized the connection between tom and voldy).

But it must be connected somehow to the Big Thing, no? Since he also talks about his "family"... but at the same time, judging from Emily's reaction it was something he did himself, when he was small? Ah, so many questions...

Behind all your characters' declared independence from the rest of the student-body you get their fragile emotional (teeny) state very well across; the fact that they do care a lot and in fact almost all their problems stem from exactly caring a lot about what "society" thinks of them.

By the way, for some inexplicable reason Isobel refuses to have black hair in my head!! I tried telling myself so often, and still she remains the blonde I saw in my mind when I first read the name. Why might that be??

Overall I'm really, really impressed with the effort and research you put into this fic. I'm sorry that my reviews are so useless .-. but believe me when I say that I enjoy it immensely, love it dearly and admire your writing a lot!

And btw, thanks to you I listened to Blur for the first time in my life (don't ask me how I managed to bypass them ...) and I love the song you mentioned. So thanks :D

Author's Response: 'No ingredient of teenage drama missing'! Yes! That was exactly what I was going for! I really wanted to see how all these Teen Drama conventions would play out in the Hogwarts context, since a lot of them never came up in canon (which makes sense, since Harry and co were a bit preoccupied fighting evil). But yeah, like, what's Hogwarts like for normal kids? Or rather, what's Hogwarts like for the kids who'd rather smoke under the bleachers than watch a Quidditch game?

So reading CasVac DEF isn't required for reading this, but, funny anecdote: an RL friend of mine got super spy status and found this online and read it all (luckily, he was down). Then, some months later, he read CasVac and said "it reminded me of Y5 a lot," and I was like "OTHER WAY AROUND, BRO."

And YAY I'm so glad you found Smartness in, erm, yeah psychedelia :P That was super fun to write, because I liked that canon idea that there are older and more subtle magicks outside of wand-waving.

You're def not the first person to think Riddle, and I won't lie: I do kind of dangle that thread.

Your point about their preoccupation with what 'society' thinks is very apt. Like, I think rebellion is important, and so is criticizing the status quo, but young/dumb kids CAN take it too far. When they decide that certain lines are dumb, they can also cross lines they maybe shouldn't. In a way, I think canon explored the same questions, but more to do with rule breaking. Like, when is it ok to break rules/laws? Sometimes the trio do it for good reasons, and sometimes it works out, but sometimes it doesn't, and the story is a lot about them learning how to be smart and thoughtful about it.

Huh, that's so interesting what you said about Isobel! It's such a brunette-y name in my mind! And while she is supposed to be half Arab, maybe she can have dyed her hair in your mind-cast :)

You're reviews aren't useless! I so appreciate all of your feedback and analysis, and it's so on-point and interesting :D (hence this absurdly long reply)

(And YAYAYAY BLUR! So stoked that I was able to introduce you!)

 Report Review

Review #34, by ShinichaYear Five: The Hex Head Express

28th July 2015:
Loved the second chapter as well!!! :)

It is always really interesting to think about what the side characters in the books are up to when we don't read about them. So i enjoyed the Percey and Penny interlude immensely, even more so the twins!!! But most of all I loved how you connected the far-away stories of the ministry and the order with Hogwarts by creating Tonk's past.

So far I enjoy the group's dynamic and all the potential future conflicts that are already implied; such as emely-tristan-(isobel?); laurel's inclination for charms etc.

The drugs are another thing I found hilarious and imaginative. (Speed-for stuying :'D ) I noticed that there are no psychedelic substances in play yet! (But would that fit better than whiskey?? Btw: why whiskey for gryffindor?? :o )

Can't wait for more!

Author's Response: Yayay thank you!

Since Percy and Penny were in their year, I definitely wanted to include them, especially because I thought it would be funny to see what these kids thought of them. And the twins! That was fun too, since they were older than Harry, and seemed all big. But to Tristan and co, they're younger, which was cool to think about.

And Tonks! I was SO stoked when I realized they would have overlapped at school!

I'm very interested in the dynamic you named--I like how you're thinking right now. That's the suspicion I'd hoped readers would have ;)

As you know, psychedelics are yet to come! But yeah, so, whiskey: that has a lot to do with what /these/ kids think of Gryffindors. Loud, prone to aggression, etc. And think about it! There are tons of Gryffindors in canon, and the main booze they drink is whiskey!


 Report Review

Review #35, by ShinichaYear Five: Prologue (1991): Dozens of Little Televisions

28th July 2015:
First of all, excuse my short review, as it is a bit bothersome to write long texts on a phone!

I'm really intrigued by the story so far, also because you said it's inspired by Skins. I watched the first three seasons years ago (when i was still young and innocent haha) and remember it left me very disturbed indeed :D

You did a great job with so many things in this chapter: finding hilarious excuses for magic in a home (the ikea-part made me laugh out loud); including canon characters in a subtle way; shaping Tristans broody teenage character subtly but clear (telling the story from this omniscent authors perspective is very refreshing!) .

So i can't wait for more!! :)

Author's Response: Yee! Hello! Thank you so much for dropping by this story and taking the time to leave a review (especially since it's all annoying and on your phone!)

Oh man, so I was the same age as the kids when the first season came out, so my reaction was very "HOW DO YOU KNOW MY LIFE." Although I was more of a "Jal" type--like, the goodie-two-shoes, Hermione-ish friend. If only relatively.

But anyway! I'm s glad you liked the kind of tone and style of this, I def loop in canon as much as humanly possible, while providing an alternate POV for all the stuff. And yee, the ikea line was my favorite too :)

Thank you again so much for reviewing!

 Report Review

Review #36, by Shinichaetc. etc. (and life goes on): A Kingdom For My Name

27th July 2015:
Hey! I just read all the so-far existing chapters in one go, and I feel terribly sorry that I didn't stop after each to leave a review. It was simply too addicting!!!

In general I'm amazed with your writing style. It manages to lose itself in details while still flowing nicely, weaves dialogues and internal monologues and action into one seamless, wonderful motion picture.

Of course it's also hilarious, and the absurdity of the events brought me to tears (from laughter) several times: food fights in the great hall??? A rampage in padfifoots??? Even more amazing is the fact that you manage to deliver it with elegant seriousness and angstyness without it ever loosing the humour.

The other thing is your characters; they are really alive and real!! None of them seems shallow, everyone has their mysterious side (even, or especially Appy! She's just crepyy.) I especially love Clemence as the main cast and how we slowly, slowly see her change over the chapters. Not one thing seemed ever 'out of character', i really feel that you are in everybody's head - even the quirkers ones haha.

But since all of the characters are somewhat ambiguous, the mystery of WHO 'the enemy' is becomes almost unbearable!
At first, with the Lipstick on the paper, of course I thought of Appy herself.

And then I can never shake this feeling of "what if it's Dom???" She could've shattered the teapots on V-Day! Also, Rose is still in my mind, although she seemed quite amiable when she wanted thr letter to be published... Endless possibilities! What if it's innocent and nice Janey who just wants the gossip to end and start a serious school paper?

On another note: i also really loved how you created new places in the castle that fit into Hogwarts smoothly. The speak easy, the newsroom,...

And overall the way the romance evolved was just perfect. The moments of passion, in the hallway or at the lake were so well built up and intense, i started drooling and actually got goosebumps! Still, Albus is maybe the character i understand the last. His actions seem a bit random all over the story. But that's maybe just him: making spontaneous decisions, actually not very cool at all, very emotional and caring.

So, sorry for this kinda unspecific and over-viewy any case I'm so glad i read this and super-thankful that you wrote this!! I can't wait for the last chapter and the epilogue :) :)

Author's Response: I'm really happy with what etc's done with my writing style; writing this and Capers at the same time meant they got to feed into each other a lot. etc explored a lot of narrative styles that I'd use in Capers and my description and action in Capers lent itself here.

Also absurd yet serious (seriously absurd, har har) is my writing in a nutshell 8D WRITING FANGIRL MASSACRES WITH A STRAIGHT FACE.

You read it all in one go, so you remember that there IS SOMEONE OUT THERE STILL that we don't know about! 8D Who, indeed? I like your ideas! They're sneaky. I'm sneaky.

I'm glad you like what you've read so far. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I'll try to get the next chapter up soon.

 Report Review

Review #37, by ShinichaDobby: The Paid Elf: Dobby: The Paid Elf

8th December 2014:
A Dobby story!!! How COOL is that?
I actually planned to review "saving severus snape" first but then I saw this and simply had to read it.
Such a beautiful story and such a great idea. It always pains me to read about elves, how very little self-esteem they have and how selfless they are, even though they probably even more powerful than wizards. (They can do magic without wands, duh) You described Dobby's inner life so well and very in-character.

--But apart from the elf-theme it reflects a lot of what happens to humans in our society too. Being home- AND jobless is probably in the top-five of hardest hardships there are. When you wrote about how Dobby covered himself with a newspaper and how his hopes of a new life had been crushed it really made me soso sad.

The bittersweetness of a joboffer where he DECLINES better working conditions really made me go "ARGH NOO elves really need trade unions" (already when I read the books, but now in the context of this story even more so).

Loved this one, it flowed nicely and made me FEEL so much. In only around 1000 words your story really manages to pull the readers in and immerse themselves into your written word.

Author's Response: Aww! You've read Dobby! And you liked it!! Thank you!! ♥

No worries, I'm thrilled that this caught your interest. It really doesn't get a lot of attention, so I'm always really happy and surprised when I receive a review on it. :)

I originally wrote this story for the House Cup during the summer. There was a prompt challenge and this was for one about overcoming adversity, I think. Sadly, I missed the deadline to get it in on time, but decided to post it anyhow.

I completely agree with you about the House-Elves. They really are a bit more powerful than wizards. I mean, look at Dobby in DH. He's able to Apparate out of Malfoy Manor when none of the wizards could. He was really, really tough to write, so it's completely refreshing to hear that he seemed in character.

Yeah, he really was at his lowest point there. I can't imagine what it would be like to be out of work and living on the streets. It has to be terrifying and you must feel so defeated. I would apologize for making you feel sad, but that was exactly what I was going for. So I won't. :p

Hahaha! House-Elf Unions. I bet that's something that Hermione started when she began her work in the Ministry. You're right though, he should have accepted more, but he seemed happy. And that's all that really matters. :)

Gah! *blush* Thank you so much! I honestly don't know how to respond to that besides just saying, thank you!

I'm really, really happy that you stopped by this story. This review was so kind and I honestly appreciate every word of it. Again, thank you so much! I'm ecstatic that you liked it. ♥

xoxo Meg

 Report Review

Review #38, by ShinichaSaving Severus Snape : ii.

6th December 2014:
This was a great chapter!

I find it very believable that Hermione wouldn't simply be happy-go-lucky about having traveled to the past. I understand how upset she feels when reading her thoughts.

I liked your description of the young Madam Pomfrey very much! Hinting that she might've been different in the past ...but not really :P

The fact that Hermione considers changing a lot of the past clearly showed how dangerous meddling with time can also be. I'm so excited to find out, how she will go about changing only a little bit. The fact that she COULD be living as her past self also in the future, as in two persons, never occured to me. Is it possible? This would lead to all the confusing sci-fi stuff, such as parallell universes ..argh! haha I guess anything's possible as long as the author writes in convincingly, and I think you do that.

I'm wondering about this book about time traveling she found ... it just feels like it's going to be very important sooner or later!

I noticed one small mistake:
"too comfortable to still be laying on the floor"
which should by "lying" on the floor I think.

Also I couldn't very well imagine a Dumbledure grinning - maybe some other verb would be more dumbledorr-y haha.

Overall great chapter, I can't wait for her to meet Snape!

Author's Response: Hi again!! Wow, I totally didn't expect another review, so this was a wonderfully nice surprise! ♥

Aww thank you! :D

No, I don't think she would be very easy going about it either. Of course her mind would be reeling and she would be worrying about every single last detail. That's just how the poor thing operates.

Ah I'm thrilled you picked up on that! I wanted to show that she was young and not there for long at that point, therefore not as stern yet. There's hints of it there, but not as much as she is in the future.

She truly could mess up big time if she intentionally tries to drastically change anything. She's here right now more to be an influence in things, not actively change anything. If that makes sense. Hahaha no, she doesn't have an older version of herself living in the future. That was just her completely overreacting. :D

She definitely might consult that book later on...

Bah. I can look a chapter over 100 times and always miss something. Thank you again! I'll go back and edit.

I'm sorry that seemed unDumbledore-ish. I'll try to find another word that would seem more him. :D

Thank you so much for coming back and leaving another review! I truly appreciate it! I hope you enjoy her first encounter with Snape. It's coming up soon! ♥

xoxo Meg

 Report Review

Review #39, by ShinichaA Weirder Shade of Midnight: Son of a Rock Star

5th December 2014:
Ohhh another Just-another-midnight-run-Universe story! I love you! I only recenty found out just how many there are. Thanks so much for writing this!!

 Report Review

Review #40, by ShinichaSaving Severus Snape : i.

4th December 2014:
So, here I am, finally with your reviews!

I have to say I have never read any time-travel fanficiton, let alone one with Snape starring as a main character! I usually like stories that are Epilogue-compliant. But this one made me really curious. Mainly because the starting point was right after the battle of Hogwarts, following the original story right up until the last chapter, so to say.

I think you described how Hermione felt very realistically and also captured Dumbledores behaviourisms very accurately.

I can't wait to read on and find out how you'll handle all the complications that come with time-travelling! (SO complicated!!! I have a lot respect for you to do this!) After all, if Snape turns out completely different, who says he will even join Voldemort, or Voldemort will even find out about the Prophecy, or Snape will be willing to help Harry ... etc.

Btw, I never realised just how long they'd been awake when the battle ended Oo thank you for pointing this out! Wow.

There were a few small mistakes that you might want to correct:

"She had an idea about Harry" (I THINK it should be "had had")

"Why else would Dumbledore had trusted him so completely?" (have)

"as he stood up from his chair" (fullstop missing)

"which was certainly something she has never seen before." (had never seen)

Great job on the first chapter, I'm looking forward to reading & reviewing the others!

Author's Response: Hi there! Thanks so much for doing the swap! :)

I adore time-travel fics. They're definitely some of my favorite ones to read, and now write. I don't know what it is, but I love Hermione with Snape, Sirius or Remus. I'm not fond of ones where she ends up with James. I'm strictly a Jily shipper haha. I'm attempting to make this story as canon as possible, but there will end up being minor changes here and there.

I'm very attached to Hermione, so it's always really wonderful to hear that I've written her accurately. :D And Dumbledore is notoriously difficult to write. I truly appreciate that you felt he was done well!

I'm so excited to write it all out and post it. I hope people like where I take this whole time traveling aspect. That's true, he might not join Voldemort if he changes. But then again, that's *if* he changes. ;)

Oh I know! I knew it was a while, but when I actually counted out the hours, I was like, "Oh my goodness! How did they not all collapse?"

Oops! They must have all slipped by me. I went back and edited and fixed all the errors. Thanks so much for pointing those out! :D

Thank you again for doing the swap and leaving such a lovely review! I'm really happy that you've enjoyed it and I hope that you enjoy the rest of the story!! ♥

xoxo Meg

 Report Review

Review #41, by ShinichaLying to You: Lying To You

27th November 2014:
Hey. Stumbled over this by accident. I think it's a great one-shot. The style is consistent, and the fact that the reader is addressed directly makes it very intense ...

You really made me feel with Severus. I usually avoid Snape/Lily stories (because I don't want to think about what she felt like) but I don't regret reading this one even though it really made me sad :'(

I loved the hints about their pasts and how you entwined all the things we know from the books with this internal "letter".

Good luck in the challenge!

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing. I'm glad you enjoyed it. This one was a lot of fun to write. =)

 Report Review

Review #42, by ShinichaThe New Pride of Portree: The Harpy With the Mohawk

27th November 2014:
Great! I love stories that are set in one universe :) I'm sorry to keep my reviews short - your stories are perfect anyway, so I hope it suffices to say: love it!!

 Report Review

Review #43, by ShinichaCharlotte: Charlotte

26th November 2014:
Hey! Sorry about the delay with reviewing, I just couldn't get it done yesterday.

I think your story, very intense. There are several things I thought were very daring and executed extremely well, it's really a very ambitious and great story.

First of all: Telling a story of TWO lives over a time span of ten years in a one-shot with only one chapter!
I wouldn't have thought that it was possible. Moreover, you showed both sides of the story wihtout having to change the POV or making Charlotte seem out of character. This is really quite an achievement.

Your story was gripping right from the beginning. The intro was so well done - even though I had no idea WHO was speking tho whom and what it was about, it felt emotional and very real, simply by describing how her body reacts to the intensity of the moment.

Also, the interaction between the past and the present was great. Within one sentence you could convey what had happened when and why it is relevant in only one sentence - her spoken-out comments being integrated into the story very naturally.

It is a very mature story, but even though I am quite young, I can understand the pressure the characters have experienced, the sacrifices they made, and the choices they made. You managed to put across the complexity of family relations, the reasons for love or pretending to love, the pressure of society and having children, in this short story: wow. If i tried to dissect the story into all its plot components and retell it to another person noone would believe me that it could be dealt with in less than 6000 words. And still, it never felt to stuffed of rushed.

Two things I would like to suggest:
The punctuation marks before and after direct speech are a little bit confusing. Often you'd do it like this:
.her husband, "I should have ended things...

I personally find the ," combination somewhat confusing.

Here, the sentence just ends after a ,":
.it wasn't what either of us had wanted,"

But sometimes it would be like this:
...too many to name. "If we ever see each other again ...

Maybe you could take a look at the transitions between direct speech and text one more time!

Another thing is: I think you built up the suspense extremely well: For most part of the story we do NOT know that Sam is a woman, I'm guessing that this ambiguous name is chosen on purpose. So I think it might be a good idea to take out the A/N at the beginning where it is revealed that this is a Slash story! (even though, admittedly, for now the "Advisory" Slash does still exist)

Anyway, thank you for this great story, it was a real pleasure to read :)

Author's Response: HELLO!

Thanks for stopping by with this lovely review and forgive the lateness! I know that this a very mature story but I'm glad that so many people were able to enjoy this. I had never written a Slash story before and I was worried about how it would be received. I'm really happy that I was able to get through it all right.

I was unsure if people would understand the layers in the story when I wrote it. Charlotte isn't the hero or even the villain but you think that she might be for quite some time just by how she acts. She's a mixture of various things and I'm glad that you were able to follow it, it took me a LONG time to get this story started and finished. I'm really pleased by the support I've gotten!

Also, thanks for the tips!

Much love,


 Report Review

Review #44, by ShinichaThe Internal Monologue of Annett Sinclaire Kluge: The Effectiveness and Efficacy of Combined Action

23rd November 2014:
Another chapterr!!

First of all, thank you so much for your author's responses, I'm really happy that you find my comments helpful, and of course it's my pleasure to read&review! (But I think I expressed myself confusingly when I asked about the secret hiding place of Annett: I hadn't forgotten that it was in the library, but in the last chapter it is actually never mentioned where she is at when Al finds her, that's why I asked if it was, in fact, her hiding place!)

This was such a great Quidditch game and such a Annett-ish way to perceive it. The way she describes the crouds as fireworks and how she struggles to fight with the anxiety was really well written. And the whole chapter was so funny! I'd like to see that stunt where Indra and Davied actually SWITCH their brooms in mid-air, haha. This is quite elaborate.

It's so hilarious how she switches between full-on concentration on the game with her computer-like analytic skills and "reality". The flirting with Jordan was probably the best bit, so hilarious, ahaha.

I think it's good the way the game turned out. It was Annie's first game after all (I think I'll stick to that nickname now :P ) and it fitted that she'd need time to adjust. You really used a lot of imagination on it too (as usual pushing the boundaries of what we conventionally think about Quidditch) - I think noone ever imagined a game played without broom!

And the moment Al caught her I was actually holding my breath. Sooo cute! It almost made MY skin tingle *swoon*

The upcoming prank has had a long innuendo, I can't wait for it to happen. I honestly have no idea what it could be, but it must involve some complicated mechanical installations if takes so long to prepare and all kinds of equipment. Whoa.
The misunderstandings between James&co and Incog Imp are awesome. You know when there was this fake-article on Banksy's (the street-artist) capture in the news a few weeks back? It made me think of Incog Imp - only the other way round! Noone really knows if Banksy is a single individuum but everyone just assumes it, just as with Anett where everyone simply took it for granted that there must be several persons behind it. (which they now actually are, which is, again, so cool)

I liked the Slytherin way of dealing with their loss, and how it perplexes Annett. Fundamental Attribution Error, oh Annett!

Just small things about the German:
"Damn it" doesn't translate to "Verdammt es", it's just "Verdammt"
And maybe instead of "Dankeschön" (written jointly) "Vielen (, vielen) Dank" is better (dankeschön is very formal, not what you'd say when you're stirred up)

Anyways, wonderful chapter!

Author's Response: Shinicha!!!

As always, you and your helping me optimise my story is much appreciated! :D What would I do without you? I am thinking of extending this into a series, what would you say about helping me with some translations before I publish the chapters? Is that okay with you? May I please bother you about it? It won't be for a while, though. I need to actually write it first. And only if you're okay with it. :)

I do, I do! It's delighting to see that this is a mutually beneficial kind of thing. And yes! Yes they were. I realise now I didn't say that, did I? Oopsie. I'll go and fix that. THANK YOU!!

Bahh! I'm super pleased to hear that you liked that. It is! I suppose the game evolved the way other sports evolve. ;)

Goodness gracious, yes, Annett still the highly analytical and really cruel flirt we all know and love. :P

Precisely! I am so glad you think so! Practice and competing are quite different. She really does need a bit of adjusting.

Awww, thank you so much, Shinicha! I try. Bahaha! You say that if pushing conventional boundaries is the norm for me. :D Thank you.

That's exactly what I was going for in terms of reaction from readers! Wow. I am super, super pleased to hear that it worked. It reassures me that I'm probably doing something right when I feel like I don't know how to write sometimes.

Bahaha! So glad you see that you think so! That's a really interesting connection you made there! I hadn't thought about that before. Hmm. . . you're absolutely right.

Thank you again for all your reassurances that my jokes work. That relieves me endlessly.

And another wonderful, smile-inducing review for yourself!

 Report Review

Review #45, by ShinichaJust Another Midnight Run: Small-Time Hoods

15th November 2014:
Every person Rose talks to seems tothink Knappter is really bad business, and she still only listens to Ron! I'm wondering if Scorpius knows something too, I thought his reaction at that one time was a bis suspicious. I'm really hoping that the Mafoys aren't involved in dark business anymore... sorry about my meaningless bubbling. Overall a wo.derful chapter, everything you thoughtup for the characters' pasts and their habits is awesome and thought through. Love it!

 Report Review

Review #46, by ShinichaJust Another Midnight Run: Weasley Genes

15th November 2014:
Great chapter, you really mix suspense with humour so well! I also like that Victoire isn't the beautiful vixen that people usually imagine with her being Fleur's daughter...
I wasa bit confused because I thought you' mentioned Heronebeing a Healer in the first chapter, but I'm probably remembering wrongly.
Reading on, can't wait to find out what Scorpius came up with!

 Report Review

Review #47, by ShinichaJust Another Midnight Run: Parmenter, Again

15th November 2014:
I started reading this story a long time ago but, for some reason, never finished it! I don't know I couldn't - this is great! :)

Author's Response: I'm glad you're back, then :) Thanks for reviewing, and I hope you like the story!

 Report Review

Review #48, by ShinichaThe Internal Monologue of Annett Sinclaire Kluge: Developmental Revelations

11th November 2014:
omg omg omg SO AWESOME. This chapter had EVERYTHING. Humour, feelings, thoughts, plot development.. hach.
The conversation betwenn Annett and Al was so SQUEE worthy, I can't even properly describe how GREAT it was to read. The tension was almost feasable. I coudn't help but think KISS KISS KISS every few seconds. But I guess that wouldn't really work for two people that shy. NEVERTHELESS. I love you so much for this chapter.

I also had really beautiful descriptions and choices of words. The sentences flow in the right pace and still I was happily surprised by those quirky wordings and expressions. (And this: "Like an the head of a emu buried in the ground. Shy, but very much there." was just cute.)

The language misunderstandings were SO funny, my flatmate gave me a strange look when I was laughing loudly and didn't stop while reading... And the whole conversation in general was pretty ingenious. (REPUTATION!) Overall, I think your skills at writing dialogues have improved immensely, I never get confused as to who is speaking anymore and they start and end at the right points and are interrupted by description in a perfect way. It's really a pleasure to read. *hearts*

And plotwise I'm so thrilled that Al and Scorp are now part of the Incog Imp. WHATS THE PRANK. Can't wait to find out. Tell us more about their scheming, pleeaaassee?

Just a few questions:
The place were Al finds Annett, is it her secret hiding place behind the library? I guessed that it was, but it wasn't mentioned so I was wondering. Or is it another secret place we cannot know about yet?

And why would Annett deionise water? Isn't that usually for ironing and stuff? :o

Here I was a bit confused: "It was the morning Ronan told me he slept well for the first time. Now he can't even do that!" I thought Ronan was doing better? :( Or did she only later find out that he only has insomnia about once a week?

Here's just a small typo: "He say it's not something he cannot handle."

"...tame his nervous system on the moments they act up" And I'm not really sure, because I'm bad with this kind of grammar stuff, but I think it would be "in" or "during" the moments?

And here my usual annoying obsession with tenses xD (sorry for that).. "When I looked up at it, I saw that Al's face openly expresses his concern."

Thanks so much for this great chapter!

Author's Response: SHINICHA!

First of all, there is no need to apologise for your amazing ability to catch my annoying tense and grammar errors. I am endlessly grateful for that! As always, your suggestions are taken into account upon editing. You help me optimise the story in so many ways, Shinicha!

I am so glad you like it because after I wrote this the first time, I edited it again with you in mind!! This review just brings a gigantic smile to my face. You're too kind! Similarly, I love you so much for this review. ;)

Thank you for all your compliments about my weird way of writing and all those odd descriptions. It makes me so happy to hear that you like them. :D

The misunderstands are too fun to write and I'm delighted to hear that you find them fun to read. You know how my dialogue-writing has been improving? YOU! You've helped me SO much!! I am so honoured that you keep reviewing every single chapter of this story! All your support means a lot to me. :D You're a very, very lovely person. Thank you. :)

The prank will be revealed soon, I promise! I just hope that you'll find it funny and it's not just funny in my head.

It is in the library I only mentioned that in the second chapter I think, but I will keep that in mind when writing future chapters. It's hard to remember something so small, I completely understand.

Annett would deionise water for all her lab experiments. :) I never knew it was for ironing. Oopsie.

You're right. Ronan was doing better, but then the trypanosomes damaged his nervous system and now he's not getting better again. With Sleeping Sickness, I think that when an individual has been infected for too long, some of the damage is permanent even if all the parasites are gone.

All typos are fixed. :D Thank you so much for catching them, Shinicha.

And once again, thank YOU for this wonderful review. :)

 Report Review

Review #49, by ShinichaThe Internal Monologue of Annett Sinclaire Kluge: Observations and Analyses

11th November 2014:
Chapter 22 already, I can't believe how time's passing!!

I loved this chapter for all the Quidditch action. Because I LOVE Quidditch. Those were quite tough try-outs, wow, I would've died after 3 minutes of running.

There were a lot of moments I had to laugh out loud! Like when her fox-instincs kicked in, hahahaha! (If only Al new who he was spending the night with..!!)

This sort-of animal behaviourism were really adorable with Sirius too (I wonder if McGonagall has any cat-treats?), it's so cute that Annette can't help it.

Anette's becoming - there is no other word - cool. When she teased McLaggen I had this image of teenie-movies in my head with the cool football-gang crowding in on some poor bloke, and she's the center of attention! That's quite a development, and I have to say you made it very nice and gradual as to not seeming unrealistic. Nevertheless I am hoping that we'll soon get some more intimate moments (as in her thoughts on feelings and such) with her again, I love those so much! They always give a very different perspective on phenomena that are usually regarded as normal.

Her chat with Flint was hilarious!! (Who might the person of his interest be? Male female THOMAS?)
So verryy Slytherin-y to talk down the opponent in a moment of physical weakness haha. And the surprise at her "pretty" first name! When he suggested to call her Annie I immediately thought "how fitting!!!" thinking of Annie Oakley. (You now her? She must be one of the coolest women in history. And after being shot by Quaffles over and over again it made even more sense.)
Speaking of names, Maximus is a very unique name. His parents must have high hopes for him :P

I have a few suggestions. I don't know why I'm so concerned with tenses, haha.. but there were several 'switches' from past to present again that you might want to correct:
"Although, she catches six of Al's shots, she could only pass to Davies twice (...)
My roommate, Farley, was next. She could only catch five, although she successfully passed to Davies all five times (...)
In the obtuse, upside down "V" of his eyebrows, I saw more guilt as opposed to the anger I expected. (...) she couldn’t hold on any longer and drops to the ground" Maybe there are others that I didn't catch.

Also here, there's a "my" missing :)
"I shake head, willing myself to focus."

In my opinion it always disturbes the flow of a novel-style text to have "etc" inserted, as in "to test our reflexes and strength and agility, etc." but that's a question of style, obviously!

Thanks for the chapter :)

Author's Response: Shinicha,

Bahaha! Yes, it's very, very tough. I felt that the Quidditch tryouts needed to really let the players know what they will be doing or what it will really be like to play such a sport.

Oh my! Yes. Yes, indeed. If only. . . ;)

I'm so, so, so happy to hear that you liked that! There are somethings about being a canine I just had to take advantage of!

Nice and gradual and realistic is EXACTLY what I was going for, Shinicha! That means so much to me for you to say that!! That image you described is absolutely hilarious! This was written like a behind-the-scenes look at how Slytherins keep up their reputation as mean people. Which is to say, they're not actually mean, they just have a very twisted sense of humour.

I love getting into her thoughts and I am super glad to hear that you do, too! 'They always give a very different perspective on phenomena that are usually regarded as normal' is the most awesome thing I've read today. Again, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS GOING FOR!! :D You're too kind, Shinicha!

Who might it be, indeed! It's all up to you. ;)

Thank you so much for comparing my character to someone as awesome as Annie Oakley!! Admittedly, I did have to look her up and read about her, but she really is very, very cool!

I guess his parents do! Haha! That's actually exactly what I was thinking when I name him.

No, not at all! I love all the help you can give me, because you're always, always so helpful. You have immensely sharp eyes and I genuinely appreciate that! You're the best. I have taken all your suggestions and edited accordingly! :D Thank you so, so very much for them! You're awesome!!

Thank you, yourself for the review! You always help me with future chapters that you haven't even read yet, which is wonderful!

 Report Review

Review #50, by ShinichaMonster: Monster

3rd November 2014:

I think this is a good story. AND A TRAGIC ONE. Poor Hermoine, I was so shocked that she was attacked in the end. T_T

You chose a very uncommon POV, making the reader slip into the main character's role. It's an unusual but very interesting choice for a horror story!

I also like that you covered a big time span, from her childhood to her being attacked, making the fear, that every child has and is being told is irrational, real. Especially the intro set the mood right from the start. For a short moment I actually expected something really horrible to happen right then in the bedroom (like her mother being the monster!) Brr.

I think what would heighten the angsty/horror feeling in the scene in the wood, is mentioning the red eyes first. (Because red eyes are just so creepy. I'm still traumatized from this one X-factor episode I saw when I was a little child) Rather than telling the reader what he doesn't notice, I feel that describing what he *does* see is far more scarier! So maybe it would be good to insert a moment of suspense where she gets a hint - hearing footstepts? seeing the eyes? Noticing weird behaviour of other animals in the wood? The dying of any sound? - something like that.

This sentence confuses me a bit:

"All you remember is gagging as he feeds you his blood forcefully before his fangs sink deep in your neck."

The monster first feeds her his blood? This either needs a bit more explanation, or maybe it is wrongly described?

Thanks for sharing the story! Great read!

Author's Response: Hey!

Thanks for reading and reviewing =)
I'm glad you found the POV interesting, and the way I covered the timespan.
Honestly, I considered having something done to the 8-year-old but then I decided against it xP

I have actually gone back and edited the story just yesterday, where I added in the bit about her hearing the footsteps etc, so funny you should mention it now xD

And yes he fed her his own blood! If you've read some Vampire stories, most say that to turn your victim into a vampire, the person needs to die with vampire blood in their system. Otherwise, if they simply bite the victim, the person will die. So that's the folklore I've gone along with; and of course it would kinda interrupt the flow of the story if I went into that explanation, but I might incorporate it into my A/N =)

Thanks again for reading!

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page   Jump:     Next Page>