Your story may not be getting much review love, but that's certainly not because it is bad. Quite the opposite, this is very good.
I like the flow of your sentences. You use a good mix of longer and shorter structures both in terms of sentence complexity and paragraph length. Your chapters are also nicely bite size, enough to get something substantial but also not more than you can easily chew at a time.
I like how your narration is working, I don't think you are switching between perspectives too much; it suits the pace of the story, IMO. You do a good job making each character have a distinct perspective which comes through when you change the focus of the narration.
You mentioned you were a bit concerned about how starting with the opening battle scene will work. Right now it seems a bit of a question mark for me depending on how you go forward with the story. If you plan on giving more detail about the big battle here and there throughout the story I think it will work out nicely. But if that was all we get of the battle until the story catches up to it, I think there will be too much intervening story and it will not be very effective.
Thanks for requesting a review on this story, I like what you're doing and think you can take this to very interesting places.Author's Response: Hi Puiwaihin
You read the whole thing, thanks! I'm so glad you thought it was good. That's SO encouraging.
Bite size chapters - haha, loved that. Good to know they're not coming across as skimpy. I really wanted them to feel fast.
You know, I was planning to work up to the battle. I'll have to think about how I could work in something before the story catches up. Angela will have glimpses of the arena and the activities going on there which will keep it in the story and fill in some details, but she sees only past events so it won't be the upcoming battle. Hmmm. Thinking now.
Thanks again for the awesome comments. You've not only encouraged me, you've given me something to think about so it's been tremendously helpful.
Very nice story. The story flowed nicely. There was a good balance of introspection and the physical act of leaving.
This is not how I would have imagined Filch's inner dialog to go, but I liked the part where he talked about what be both loved and hated about the school. Pointing out how the students could have done his job with great simplicity was very good.
I think you could have included a few more specifics to focus on to improve the story. You might have had him pause at a particular door, room, painting, or something you could describe and then ascribe a special emotional attachment to. You also might have given an account of how students teased or pranked him, adding to his embitterment, similar to Snape's memory of being tormented by James Potter.
But this was a solid story with fine narration. While the tone was not what I would have expected of Filch, it was very nicely done.Author's Response: Thank you for stopping by! I'm so pleased that you thought the balance was good, i worked really hard on that as i was so worried that it would turn out to be too much intropection, i'm glad you thought it worked well.
I suppose it is a different way of looking at Filch and the tone might be a bit too poetic for him? Maybe =D. Even though the tone wasn't what you expected, i hope you felt like it was well explained. It wasn't how i first thought of Filch either, but how it all turned out surprised and please me in the end. While writing, i kept imagining his motivations and what stressors must have shaped him into who he was. To me, there must have been a reason why he stayed at Hogwarts for so long, and it kept hitting me how hard it would have been to see magic everyday and know that you will never be able to do it, how would that have affected him? In the end, Filch is only human, no matter how mean and cruel he turned out to be there is always reasons behind his madness ;). Plus, I have this huge soft spot for characters such as his and i really do feel like he is such an underrated character. The way I imagine him anyway leaves so much to be explored and dissected. He was a squib! For me, i always kind of imagined that as being a little shameful, and i think there must have been some prejudices akin to muggle-borns to some groups against squibs. What if he had been born to a pureblooded family? Anyway, that was a bit of a long rant, sorry bout that but i'm a bit passionate about Filch. =D
Thanks for the suggestions, i had actually thought of doing something similar but i was trying to keep the story short and to the point. But i'll definitely keep that in mind and if i have time i'll try to work something in.
Thank you again for your honesty and lovely comments, i really appreciate you taking the time to read and review this! Report Review
Here with the review you requested. You didn't ask for any specific focus, though you did ask for things where you can improve so I'll include that.
I like the story so far. It's an interesting concept and the way you've chosen to write the characters as sort of "Odd Couple" is certainly believable and makes for a productive dynamic. You have also ended each chapter with a bit of a bang, but not exactly a cliffhanger. All this and your comfortable style of writing adds up to me looking forward to the rest of the story.
For things that you could improve on I'll have to base it on my personal preferences as I don't really see any technical flaws. Personally, I would like to see a few more displays of magic. It's all well and good to have the characters be Harry Potter universe characters, but I think there should be more descriptions of magic.
I also notice you are sort of leading the reader along as if they were in a Poirot novel, not giving the audience the clues that Amadeus is annoyed with Hugo for not perceiving. I personally would have liked it better if, for example, you had described the scene with the wizards walking around the street with their wands out and with the occasional appearance of magical affects and have Hugo look at it without figuring it out. Then Amadeus would point out the significance to Hugo, but the reader would have had the chance to come to that conclusion independently.
Other than that, the only other thing I would think might improve things would be a few stranger anomalies you could describe, such as paper airplanes flying around town instead of owls. Just more of those small changes for the reader to pick up on.
But, that's all I could see to suggest. You've got a great story going and I enjoyed reading what you've got so far.Author's Response: Hello and thanks for reviewing! Glad to hear you've enjoyed it so far; the concept interested me, so it's always nice to hear it interests other people, as well. Regarding the characters, I thought having two people who were more at odds with each other in this sort of situation would be much more fun to write (and read, hopefully) than two people who can't get enough of each other.
I'll try to take all of those suggestions and work them into the story, as well. Possibly go back and add in a few descriptions of magic and the like. There will be much more magic later on, as things progress and the situation worsens, but I've got to agree with you that a few extra shows of magic in the streets could have helped the reader pick up on what was going on, and I think I'd prefer that over leaving them clueless. I think I'll go back at some point and make a few edits with that in mind.
Thanks a lot for your suggestions and everything! Once I've posted some more chapters, I'll be sure to re-request to get some more criticisms and all that jazz! Report Review
Thanks for asking for a review of this story. This is exactly the sort of thing I like to read and you're writing an excellent story.
I really like Johanna. You've done an excellent job making her a real person. Your use of local color to give her a distinct voice really helps give your OC a unique feel. And she's definitely a sympathetic character.
You already noted your weakness with writing Dobby and the Weasley twins. I'll just note that the dialog you chose for them just doesn't really fit them at all. I think with Dobby I think you needed to make him eager to please and terribly unhappy that he was unable to tell the twins what they wanted to know. With the twins they seemed too much out of synch, where generally they are portrayed as finishing each others' sentences uncannily.
Aside from that, I don't think there's anything you really needed to change, just keep going forward! Keep up the good work and I hope to see more of what's to come!Author's Response: Thank you so much!
Definitely, the feedback on how to write more like Dobby is really appreciated. I'm glad that you appreciate Johanna for who she is-- I really wanted to put a new sort of character out there, sort of a new style, you know?
Thank you so much, I'll re-request when I manage to eke the next chapter out!
♥-ai Report Review
This is definitely the most annoying story I've read for the competition. You also had a few really well placed spelling mistakes at the start, but you seemed to get away from that as you went on. This was definitely a horrible story. Good luck in the challenge.Author's Response: YAY! Hehe, thank you, I suppose? :P I tried to add in more spelling mistakes, but my inner editor fixed them all, so that would be why they taper off towards the end. Thanks for sticking around long enough after the horrible story to write such an awesome review! :D Report Review
Here with your requested review.
Unfortunately, this is not a chapter I would usually want to stop and leave a lengthy review on because there just isn't that much here to discuss. It looks like an introductory chapter for a longer story and I would think all the excitement will come later.
The story can definitely use more description. I'm guessing they are running around the quidditch pitch, but don't really know. I have no idea what they are wearing. It would have been good to have you describe the scene with Seamus in more detail. "red as a tomato" is fine, but it could have been a lot more.
As fanfic writers we often make the mistake of relying on what Rowling described rather than describing it ourselves.
I also didn't feel much drama from the protagonist when she got caught. Personally, I can't imagine McGonagall punishing your OC for just coming over and sharing a laugh and your OC's comment about Wood getting what he wanted just seemed too flippant. I needed some insight into the fear in your character.
The writing isn't bad, you do have some interesting remarks and observations. But you need to hook your reader more strongly and get them to feel things more acutely. As I said earlier, I really think you have more exciting things planned for later and it might have been better to request a review when you had something more to comment on.Author's Response: Thank you so much! This review gave me enough things to work on, and I'm definitely going to start. I know I know I'm not very good at descriptive writing, I'll be working on that. :) Report Review
Not my kind of genre to read, but this was well written. Long, drawn out, but well written. If I liked this kind of story I'd probably keep reading it.
Your descriptive language is very good and and you vary your sentence length and style so that it doesn't get boring. Except after too much thinking without something happening.
It was also noticeable that this story was not written for the Harry Potter fandom originally. You may have adapted the story to include HP characters, but there's no feel of Hogwarts or magic anywhere in this. Nothing wrong with that, but on this site, more magic is a good thing.
Despite the slight length problem, it's a good piece. You break up the thoughts and actions through the dancing, a good device. Were this the sort of story I'm interested in I might not mind the lengthy inner monologues. They do contain interesting thoughts, at least.Author's Response: I knew this wasnt you cup of tea but my need for some critic opinion was stronger than my senlf preservation instinct ;) It means a lot to me that it got you interest anyway, despite the unapealing genre. Yeah, I tried to play a lot with sentence variation and punctuation (enfasis on 'tried' ) because i knew that the long monologue would get tiring. But that's how my character is and even thought i edited this part of the story a dozen times, with her it always comes down to a lot of stuff happening in her head because she is really quiet and withdrawn.
I know that this story lacks magic, but that's not because i adapted it for Harry potter instead of originaly writing it for this fandom. The only pre-written part are the key points of the romance between the characters. The lack of magic is because my main character doesnt agree with it even thought she is a witch and she prefers her muggle life instead of her magic one. This is a very key part of ehr characterisation that is goign to move the story foreward (I know im blabing. this part will come up later in the story, but i know you wont read that far, which is why im talking about it)
Again, the dancing was one of my atempts at giving this first chapter a bit of motion and Im glad that i suceeded. And thanks so much for saying that the characters thoughts are interesting, that was one of my worries at first, that she would be too dramatic of boring.
Thank you again for this review and for goign out of your usual realm to do it. I apriciate every word. Report Review
This wasn't bad, but could be better.
As I said earlier, the profanity was overdone and out of place in Rowling's universe. You also chose to break with how the characters were portrayed by Rowling, which I don't think will go over with everyone, including me.
On a more technical note, your decision to use the last paragraph to have the narrator give a moral evaluation was incongruous with the rest of the narration. I think if you had just left the story with Neville sitting there waiting for Harry it would have been better.
On the positive side, you did have an emotional story. You showed how the characters felt rather than told, which is something a lot of other writers need to learn. This was a dark, gritty story and you fit it into the time frame nicely. If you had kept the characters more reasonably to how Rowling wrote them it would have been much better, IMO, but it's somewhat plausible if you take an extreme interpretation of the characters.Author's Response: Thank you so much.
Profanity aside, I'm not sure where my characters went wrong. Another reviewer I requested said I did a very good job. I'm not saying you are wrong, but she provided examples of which characters were done well, and which ones were not. I personally feel it would be more helpful if you gave me specific examples of which characters were wrong, and what they said and did that compromised their character.
Yeah, I actually wrestled with myself about that last paragraph, but I wanted to make it clear that Neville never realized how heroic he was.
I'm glad you thought I showed the characters feelings well.
Thanks again for the thorough review. Report Review
Great story so far! Thanks for requesting a review. I'm really enjoying it and I really enjoy the humor.
"Call me Demi."
Really good stuff. You characterized this as romance, but if so the heroine would be an anti-hero. Everything in the story is fresh and believable.Author's Response: I looked up anti hero when I read this and I thought, yep, pretty much describes Marilyn to a tee.
She's definitely a lot of fun to write and I love writing her interacting with Demi.
Thanks for the review :) Report Review
Good chapter! Your humility when asking for the review was unwarranted. I have nothing negative to say about the story at all. And you are right about your main character giving the story something to make reading a romance worth it. :)
I love Mari's inner monologue. Very well done and you have just the right sort of humorous comments to make it playful and entertaining. I like the "IQ of a tele-tubby" bit. I get a "Legally Blonde" feeling from this, but in the good way, not the "oh this is so stupid" way. :)
I'm going to keep reading, though I may not leave any more comments unless I notice something different from what I've already mentioned here.Author's Response: Thanks very much! I like a bit of constructive criticism but if you can't find anything negative to say than I'm more than happy with that :)
I actually liked Legally Blonde, so thank you! I do enjoy writing more playful stories than angst ridden ones as a rule.
Thanks so much for the review! Report Review
Alright. Now that I've read through the next two chapters in which the story slows into the two staring into each others eyes and whispering their regrets, I've got more to say.
There are some major parallels with Twilight. Raven is Edward and Ted is her Bella. The "you shouldn't trust me" speech is too close to Edward's "I'm dangerous" speech for me. Considering the primary fanbase of this website, that could be a good thing, but for me it's a put off.
The references to the color of each others eyes are overdone. I also find much of the dialog unbelievable. Nor are the characters' reactions to each other realistic. That and the pace of the story slowing down to a crawl while they spend two chapters holding hands and talking (I know, not really holding hands, but it feels that way) made the story unenjoyable for me.
More objectively, you engage in too much exposition in too short a period of time. Dense exposition kills a story, especially what is supposed to be something of an action story, which, based on the first chapter, this set out to be. Move things forward more and give explanation in small doses, preferably indirectly.
The last new bit I have to say is not really criticism, but rather an observation. I find it interesting that almost all the strong characters are female and the males seem subordinate or are the love interest. Interesting reversal from the often male-centered stories male authors tend to write.
The first chapter was okay. It had some rough patches, but it was ok. It ended at a good point. The second chapter started off like the first, but once they got out of the tunnel the entire story changed into something different. It's not a bad story, and there's definitely a big audience for this sort of eye-staring love angst here at HPFF, so you do have a viable audience. But for me, it lost what appeal it had when you slowed it down.Author's Response: I know I probably wasn't supposed to find it funny, but I spent a good five minutes laughing uncontrolllably over the Twilight thing when I realized you were right.
I've had a very hard time balancing Raven's character over this chapter. For me I feel like, "OK, how do I balance out partial-villian with her more humane side?"
I've been considering rewriting this story as a first person, since I feel I can better demonstrate Raven if I was writing as her. The thing is I know her so well that I try writing her thoughts as third person, and I'm not conveying the character well enough.
Going back to the Ted as Bella thing, I do realize now that he is rather immasculated.
I am not entirely sure why I have written all the strong characters as females. Maybe its all in my head, or something. I had planned to make Ted a stronger character later on, but right now I must admit when I think about it, he seems rather feminine.
I do realise how Twilight-ish I've made this, which was NOT my intention, at all, since quite honestly I find Twilight over-rated, and you've just sort of made me disgusted with the turn of my own story.
Thank you very very much for your feedback. It has been VERY helpful and I'm gonna have to go back to the drawing board to fix this. I have felt that something seemed wrong, but I couldn't pin-point it, and now I see it. Thank you so much! Report Review
This is a pretty good start to the story. But, as requested, I'll save the compliments until after the criticism.
I am not overly fond of the monicker "Raven Black", just a little too obvious of a goth girl name. The main criticism I have thus far is that paragraph where you exposition dump the whole history of the Fire Eaters. Not at all subtle and pulls me out of the story you have going. I have a few other observations, but I'll wait until reading a bit further before mentioning them.
You are clearly very conscious about using a lot of description and you aren't dragging things out. The first chapter establishes that things are dark and scary, though I don't feel it. Probably because I'm looking at it from the perspective of the bad guys who are laughing it up like villains from Charmed or Buffy might, so it feels not as dark as it might.
It's entertaining enough that I'll keep reading.Author's Response: I sort of chose the name on purpose, along with her sister's name, which was Celestine Black. I'm not entirely sure why I chose the names, with me when I pick a name I end up sticking to it. Celestine's name used to be a slight variation, but enough to make a change, and I'm not one to do the name changes. Unfortunantely, I'm a bit too attached to Raven to change her name.
I'll read your next review. Thank you :) Report Review
Oh, that was mean. That was cruel. Stopping the scene just as everyone's wands were pointed at each other? Sadistic!
I really like how you got back to the characterization of everyone with just the right dialog and details. Very nice chapter, very exciting, and I'm looking forward to hearing more about whomever this Kate is.Author's Response: Sorry for being cruel. I guess it comes from writing nearly the entire story before posting. I sort of missed that it was a cliffhanger. It was just the point where I switched POV. The rest is in the next chapter.
Glad you liked the chapter seeing as it mostly sets the scene while explaining some things. From here on in things should start moving. I guess you could call this the second part of the prologue.
Thank you for reading and leaving a review. I don't get many on HPFF. So I really appreciate it. I gather that H/G stories aren't that big here, but this is still a great sight. Report Review
Looking forward to getting back into the story.
I was kind of hoping you would not bring Tom Riddle back even though his defeat seemed a bit too easy. I was looking forward to Dark Lord Ron, but seems that is not to be.
Glad you are taking the time to have beta readers look over the story! There were a few little bits that jumped out at me that distracted from my enjoyment of the story. But still, the overall writing quality is there.
Looking forward to the rest of it!Author's Response: Dark Lord Ron, that could have been interesting :) Honestly, the thought never crossed my mind.
I had a beta, MinistryMalcontent, for the previous story and this one, just never mentioned his name since I've not seen his name on this site, but he has got a good story SIYE.
He did an amazing job helping my story. In the end there was only so much he could improve. I am hoping this one will be better since I am building on the 120k words of the previous story. Still, there is a lot to learn especially with dialogue. I tend to spend too much on internal thoughts and not actual speaking.
Hope you enjoy this story. Report Review
You've got the "I'm a cool modern girl" monologue down pat. I could see this being the mind of a magical Hannah Montana or Princess Diaries, er, princess whatever her name is. In case you're in doubt, that's a compliment. It sounds natural and imitates a very popular style of 1st person narration very well.
Now you asked: Do I like the story? So far, no. Thus far it's the sort of teen romance I really don't care for at all. However, I'm sure the number of people who will genuinely enjoy this story on this site outnumber me 1000 to 1, so don't feel bad that I don't like it. This is not a genre I really enjoy.
Did you introduce too many characters? Yes. Too much detail done in the wrong way. You would have been better off introducing them as they appeared somewhere in the plot. You did a nice job giving a chatty description from the main character's point of view, but I really found it tedious after the first thousand characters (if that's an exaggeration, sorry, I lost count somewhere). Siriusly, though, if you had introduced half as many it would have been fine.
Personally, I found the characterization of Rose's love/hate for Scorpius to be cliché. I know, that sort of review is itself a cliché, but it's what really struck me. And you even used a few clichés to pound the point home, such as "calm, cool, and collected" when description would have been better.
Other readers will probably like this and won't care if you reuse characterizations others have used. You did write it well and if weren't for how you dragged the encyclopedia entry style listing of characters out for too long, it would have been a fine read-- despite my not liking the genre.
Sorry for the negativity, but I did warn that I have no sympathy for ship stories. Hope my comments will give you something to think about.Author's Response: Thanks for the review!! You get a cookie! *hands cookie* It's not poisoned I promise :)
I'm glad I got the first person down! I worked so hard on not screwing it up, and I'm glad all my hard work paid off.
Okay so what you have to remember when reading this, is that Rose is a 14 year old girl who has a crush. I tend to not like romance either, but for this story she has to walk that certain path. But this story is not about the romance, it's not central to it at least. But it does factor into who Rose becomes as a person.
The character introduction was the hardest part of this story by far. A lot of next gens intro people like you said as the plot develops, but I needed all of the characters to be mentioned in this chapter, and I didn't want to have them all physically in one chapter. Her 'assignment' was just a convenient way to get all the intros out of the way.
The romance is cliche, because you are seeing it from the perspective of a love-struck teenaged girl XD It's supposed to be a contrast to the way Scorpius see's there relationship in the next chapter. I'm glad you brought it up because I was hoping people would catch it.
I'm really glad I asked for this review, you pointed out everything I put in the chapter on purpose (many people didn't). Even though this first chapter wasn't your cup of tea, I have a feeling the rest of the story (as it gets darker) will be. I'll probably re-request your reviews again.
Thanks again for the review!
PP Report Review
This is a well written chapter. I particularly appreciate the explosive beginning. Considering that this was a chapter building up the background information rather than one with a lot of action or drama it was good to start with a little hook.
There were plenty of details and you did a good job setting up the rest of the story. I'll reserve more comments after reading further and getting into the plot a bit more.Author's Response: Thanks for the review!
I'm glad that you enjoyed it. I look forward to seeing what you have to say about the rest of the story. Report Review
I'm most curious to see where you, er, the Sorting Hat, is going to put Mary. Of all the children you've introduced so far, Mary is the one I am the most apprehensive about. I sure hope you have a plan for her that doesn't require her to renounce her faith. The characterization of her father and the enmity from her sister was very well done.
This is a very high quality story. Thanks for sharing it with me!Author's Response: Yeah, I wanted the Mary character to have layers and I didn't want a bunch of stereotypical characters. Like, okay, I was raised Catholic and am now a fallen Catholic, as it were, am not a fan of most organized religion, not an atheist, that sort of thing. And the whole controversy over Harry Potter promoting witchcraft really got me. I want her to struggle with things a lot of questioning Christian-raised kids have to deal with, but I didn't want it to be a thing where her parents are these Mrs. White fundamentalist psycho Opus Dei stereotypes. My mother raised me Catholic, she goes to Church every sunday, taught sunday school, is religious, but she's not some overly-pious psycho. She's found a way to reconcile her faith with her other social ideals. There are some parents who are the "Carrie's Mom" types, but most regular Christians, even a good deal of the religious ones, aren't like that. Still, there's some aspects of being religious, particularly I believe of being Catholic, that do have a lot to do with guilt and the like. And yeah, if I were religious and found out I was a witch, I'd be pretty shaken. The Bible is kind of clear on the whole witchcraft thing. Her family kind of came from a place of "What if Lily Evans Potter's family were religious?" But yeah, even though I have TONS of issues with religion, I don't want it to be something where I go on a tirade. I wanted her parents to be true Christians in the manner of how Jesus meant them to be. Report Review
I love it. On your request for reviews you listed three things-
Flow- It flowed very well. The transitions were at appropriate points. The narration was even and logical. The only negative question I have about the story at all is, why centered text?
Characterization- Superb. I really liked the "are you a good witch or a bad witch" and "are you good children or bad children" lines. You've done a delightful job making each character have a distinct and believable personality.
Detail- Perhaps a little too much detail when it came to the young Potter boys, eww, but I noticed several paragraphs devoted to adding richness of description.
I think that I've added your story to my favorites list so I can get updates when new chapters come out says it all.Author's Response: The centered text was some kind of freak accident I've tried to fix. Totally annoying, I know.
I'm glad the characters seem distinct. I can't tell you how many times where I've written stories where all my OC's (in fan and original fiction) are too much alike, or I only have like two really central characters and all the others aren't fleshed out. I'm glad I'm overcoming that flaw in my writing style.
The Potter boys, well, yeah, but I figure it's a part of life. Adolescents like to masturbate and I wanted to make this seem as realistic as possible. Sort of the same reason I put in that whole shpeil about Lily and her body hair. I probably overkilled it a bit too, I just wanted it to seem like yeah, this is the Potter family, but they're kind of regular people and they deal with some of the same things.
Thanks for favoriting this! Report Review
Let me say that I believe you achieved what you wanted to achieve with the narration voice. It does have a nursery-rhyme sing-songiness to it that I can only believe is what you were attempting to express through Fabian's monologue.
In my opinion, though, the rambling style of the fairy tale teller went on for too long. It lasted throughout the entire story. Usually a narrator will use language like that to introduce a story and begin to weave a world for the listener. After that the narration will become more straightforward. This sort of rambling device will recur during narrator evaluation. Your narrator, however, continued in the same way, stringing along complex asides within sentences, throughout the entire story.
It was just a bit too much, IMO. It was well done, but too much.
There were a few places where you seemed to break from the pattern, such as using the term Dark Mark instead of naughty snake head. It seemed incongruous. You also had several sentences where you really should have included more commas.
I did like how the older brother was whispering to baby Molly of things to come in a dreamy, fairy tale way. But I think the piece was just too long to sustain that sort of narration for the entirety. Perhaps if you had broken it up with some other style it would have been better to me.Author's Response: Hmm, I hadn't thought before about how long it went; and you're right, even in the book that I'm modeling (which I have unfortunately struggled through) the narrator does settle down after a while... something to think about revising, I agree!
And yes, I actually left the commas out on purpose but I agree looking back that it's a little painful to read :)
Thanks so much for your thoughts, you've given me lots to think about! I appreciate your feedback because I know you are a great writer, and I think that as soon as I have time I'll sit down and try to rework this a little.
Thanks again :)
Very richly detailed opening scene for the chapter. There is a slight feeling of epic storytelling, like a bard's tale in a tavern inn. If you can maintain this same feel in future chapters you will have an excellent story.
Your Godric character seems similar to Arthur in the the Merlin TV series, if you are familiar with that. As this is the first chapter, having him seem a bit entitled and arrogant is probably what you were going for. I'm sure he will be different, especially once he begins doing magic.
As detailed as your chapter was, you might consider adding more description of the places. A paragraph for describing the feasting hall or perhaps one for the small chapel where Godric prayed would have added to the richness.
Very good start to a Founder's era story. I look forward to reading more of this.Author's Response: Thanks so much. I'm glad you liked it :)
Description is actually my weak point so I'm glad you found the beginning nicely detailed. I will certainly look at incorporating some of the detail you suggest later in the chapter.
I've actually never watched the Merlin TV series, but I am going for an arrogant Godric (at first) so I'm glad you could see that.
Thank you so much for you review. :)
- Lily Windsor Report Review
Good story and a different sort of technique for the narration. I liked the choice for this story and it definitely allowed me to feel some sympathy for Goyle Sr.
Your choice of grammar and punctuation was very stylistic. For the most part, I think you did a good job in breaking the rules to achieve the effect you want. However, there were places where I don't think it helped to break the rules, and quite to the contrary, it made the flow a bit too choppy.
One such example was the occasional use of the "and...and...and" syntax that you employed. While there is a time where that gives a particular feel, it didn't work for me in the places you used it. I think if you went back and used standard syntax and then compared you would find it would sound a little better.
You flouted convention quite a bit. From the flow of the story I think you did it intentionally, not in error, and for the most part it worked. But perhaps you did it a little over much, or it's just that at some points it was awkward. It's really a matter of style and judgement. You could rework it a bit and make it a lot smoother, but I think which parts really has to come from you.
One more thing I think could have been better, based on the title and premise of the story, was that I would have liked to have seen Goyle Sr. try and keep his son out of the bad stuff a bit more. I think that would have made the story a bit more poignant.
However, like I said at the start, this was all in all a good story. It was different and showed writing talent.Author's Response: Thank you for your review and feedback! :)
The style was something new that I was trying out; I'm glad that it worked for the most part. There are definitely some things I'd like to clear up - yeah, I probably did overuse the syntax in places. ^-^; I'll try to look that over and see if I can smooth it out and help it flow better.
I definitely did sort of throw a lot of rules to the wind with this. *cough* Again, I'll try and work on that... it was an experiment and there's definitely room for improvement. Also, working on the relationship between the father and the son is something I could definitely do. I had a little trouble initially because I've never been Goyle Jr.'s biggest fan during Hogwarts, but I can overcome that hopefully! :)
Thank you so so much for your wonderful review - I'll keep everything you said in mind and try to improve it! I really appreciate it. :) Report Review
I really liked how you built up suspense in this chapter. Simply having everything remain silent as she went through her home was a very good tactic. It reminded me of times when I would come home to an empty house.
I particularly liked the scene with the painting of Abraxas Malfoy. It was what put me most in mind of the Black residence at Grimauld Place. Nice detail.
If there's any criticism of the overall story thus far, it's that there is not much interaction. Almost all the action has been an internal monologue. There's nothing wrong with that, perhaps if Illyana had been in a discussion with a classmate before apparating home it might have added another dimension to the chapter.
Good writing and I look forward to reading more.Author's Response: 'Ello again!
I'm glad you felt the suspense from this chapter. I always undermine myself as a writer (worst critic right here!) and feel that I can't make my readers' feel certain things -so this makes me happy! Coming home to an empty house, when you don't expect it, always freaks me out. I find myself looking through the whole thing...just in case haha.
See, there is some magic here ;)
Your criticism at the end really sums up what has been going on! Aka, the distinction you make between internal and external events is really eye-opening. Unfortunately, the next chapter was already semi-written and planned, but after that there will be more interaction than I can probably handle. I really appreciate this bit a feedback and hope to change the pace of the story because of it. Thank you so much :)
NRB Report Review
Interesting place to begin the body of the story. I can look forward to Illyana having to deal with Snape and the Carrows reign at Hogwarts. This is definitely a time when she'll need to make some tough decisions.
The writing was mostly high quality, but there were a few errors that caused some discomfort. In a few places the meaning was a little unclear, but that was the exception. Generally the story was nicely detailed.
I would have liked the funeral scene to have been expanded a bit more. It seemed a bit rushed. You also didn't let the readers know that the song that was heard was Fawke's song. Fine for those who are familiar with the story, but confusing for people who are not. I understand Illyana would not have known what the song was at that time, but the narrator may have or she could have heard later.
Again, I'd like a little more magic. It is one of the charms of the world of Harry Potter.
Despite these criticisms, the chapter was rather well written and you get a good sense of the upcoming problems and choices that will be facing our protagonist. You did a good job showing rather than telling about her. Keep up the good work.Author's Response: Months later and I am finally responding to your reviews *is ashamed* Sorry about that.
First of all, thanks for you reviews in general :) Your perspective has been great! Yes, she will definitely be facing a LOT of challenging times and Snape/the Carrows won't be seen for a while...dun, dun, dun lol.
I'm glad you felt that this chapter was pretty well done. I probably won't ever add in that it was Fawkes' song, but I understand your reasoning for stating that I should. As I said in my last response, more magic will occur! I have not stripped magic away in this series I assure you ;)
Yay for showing and not telling haha! Always important. Thanks again for your reviews!
NRB Report Review
This was a very well written chapter. There were a few noticeable punctuation mistakes, but they were only noticeable because of the crispness of the rest of the writing.
I particularly liked the little parenting details that makes Julienne's motherhood more believable-- holding the hair away from the baby's grasp and the changing of the eye color.
Considering that this is a Harry Potter fanfic, it might have been appropriate to include a little wand waving, just to help the reader get into the setting. HPFF readers take it for granted, but if there were a reader not as familiar with HP they might not even realize they were dealing with a witch and a witch's child.
All in all, though, an excellent chapter and a good start to a larger story.Author's Response: puiwaihin, thank you so much for your quick review! I have finally edited the chapter a bit, taking into consideration this review and your PM comments about punctuation. I'm glad you believed in Julienne's motherhood -she really didn't do such a bad job in the end I think haha. I understand what you mean in terms of magical elements, but the rest of the story will have plenty of magic from the HP world to go around ;)
NRB Report Review
I really like this chapter. You can really see how and why Barty and Aurora became so close. There was no sudden rush to it or any cliched love at first sight moment, but a natural progression.
The writing was very even, thoughtful, and descriptive. Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection