Well, I just wrote the review for chapter four saying I'd like more details... And now that I've read this one I think it already happened! I think this is one of your best chapters so far, although as you said it is shorter than your other ones. It didn't skip from scene to scene as much, which I liked a lot. Also the putting-herself-down part is dear to me. :) Overall, great chapter!
Hmmm... Is there anything I'd change about this one? I actually don't think so... Wait, maybe a small detail - in the end was Lily there while James was talking to Sirius about taking the risk? I assume that's why she left confused, but I'm not 100% sure. Maybe add in between their shouting match a comment on Lily's expression?
Well, cya and I can't wait for the next chapter!Author's Response: The reason this one didn't skip from scene to scene is much, is that I knew where I was going, and it was a lot easier to get there. The reason I skip from scene to scene, is because I don't want lots of tedious paragraphs to fill up the time between when the different scenes take place. I really enjoyed writing both Jane's outburst and the shouting match. It makes me feel awful that girls think of themselves that way, especially when it has to do with who they are as a person, and wanted to show that even though that happens, Sirius doesn't believe it, and tries to show her that. I LOVED writing the shouting match!!! I could picture that so clearly in my head! I'll also add that part about Lily. I wasn't happy with that part in particular, so the suggestion helps a lot. Keep the reviews coming! They are so sweet, and I really appreciate each one! (wow this response was long)
Cassie :) Report Review
*cringes* Sorry for the lateness of this one... :) Well here goes.
I have to say that I loved the grandma part. Well, I have a fondness for depressing bits in books, so anything that's sad is welcome by me!
I haven't read the 5th chapter yet, so I don't know what's gonna happen there, so my predictions might be a bit off... Anyway, I think that Michael doesn't really like her, but Jane will be hung up on him and not notice Sirius? Well, I'll see.
One thing that I'd like to see though is a description of how Jane looks... At the moment I know she's shorter than Lily and that's pretty much it. I guess what I'm saying is that I love the dialogue and action, but maybe a bit more details in between?
Well, I'm off to read the next chapter and see what happens with Sirius' confession. :)Author's Response: That's fine! I've been really busy so, I haven't had much time to write the next chapters, so I guess karma gave me late reviews...
It's hard for me to get desrcitions in, because I always feel like they sound awkward, but I'll work on that. Just for future reference- Jane is petite, and thin, with big, blue eyes, and dark hair. Its curly, but not crazy, like Bellatrix, it's more like ringlets. Thank you so much for your reviews! Since it's pretty much just you that reads and takes time to review my chapters, it means so much!!!
Cassie :) Report Review
Hyah! Well, I'm glad your third chapter is already up, and again, quite well written. Just a quick question - are they still in first year? Maybe a clarification of that would be good. But I really like the Lily and Jane banter - so similar to what it's like for young kids in real life!
So is this Michael kid going after Jane too? I can't wait for the next chapter - see if my predictions are correct...
There's one typo in the very beggining of the chapter, but it's not that important to the overall feel. I feel like I'm rambling now... Anyway, back to the chapter, I'd love to have a Michael point of view sometime. :)
Great job!Author's Response: I'm happy you enjoyed this chapter, I had fun with it! They are fourth years in this chapter, and I think I said that they are fourteen, but I'l go back and see what I can do to make that more clear. I really like the Jane/Lily thing too! That came from a real life experience! I'll think about a Michael point of view... it might work towards the end... hmmm...
Thatnks for the review! It means so much!
Cassie :) Report Review
Hi there! I'm back reviewing your sencond chapter. :)
Hmm, well, now that the second chapter's up I think I understand the characters quite a bit more. Especially why Bellamy and Percy are together, that scene with Nott makes Percy seem much better for her. Now I'm left to wonder what Nott has to do with Bellamy and Percy's relationship... Well, I'll see that in the next chapters, I hope.
Oh, and I also really liked "Lady Voldemort". :) Report Review
Hello, it's me again! I know exactly what you mean about reviewing, it really does help get the next chapter written. :)
Well, happy to say that all the grammar was good, same with spelling, so I'll comment on some of the more interesting stuff! Firstly, good plot line, etc, it was nice and easy to follow, something one can't always say with fan fictions. ;) There were a couple things I might add to the chappie though. By the prologue, I'm guessing that Jane and Sirius will get together, so I was thinking that maybe some interaction could be shown in this chapter, maybe they could have talked during the sorting, accidentally bumped into each other on the train. Any little sign, just for the reader to be able to tell where they stand at the beggining of first year, even if it's neutral. See what I mean? (I'm probably not making much sence right now, sorry. :-/)
Well, if this review helped any and you decide to edit your second chappie, I'm sorry about making you wait for validation AGAIN. ;) Personally, I find that it helps the number of reads my fics get, since it becomes first on the recently updated list again...Author's Response: Once again, I have taken your advice! Keep it coming, it's good! There is a reason they don't get super close in this chapter, but you'll see what I mean when the next chapter is up! I try to leave the readers hanging, so they'll come back to find out what happens next!
Also, thank you for telling me that the plot is easy to follow! I like when stories are clear, and the only time I make them confusing on purpose is when I'm writing in first person, and the character is confused.
Thank you so much for reviewing! It means more than words can say!
Cassie :) Report Review
Hi there! I loved the first chapter - ideal in length and different from the usual fanfics. This makes me wonder though - will Percy become less annoying as the fanfic goes on, or will Bellamy realize she doesn't like him? Afterall, the way they interacted so far doesn't seem too happy. :) Anyway, can't wait to see where you're going with this, and I hope you get a banner soon!Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Percy is supposed to be an annoying studious boy so he might not change that much. But for Bellamy you'll just have to wait and see. =) The relationship with Bellamy and Percy is reasonably happy, it's just their not the usual touchy-feely couple. Hope you read the next chapter! Report Review
Hello! Anyway, I like the beggining so far - it seems like a good introduction to a classical Sirius/OC story. It's quite short, but I'm guessing since this is just the prologue your next chapters will be a bit longer, right?
Overall, I liked a lot, but there's that one part where Sirius is talking about Jane and Lily as friends, maybe break it up into smaller paragraphs? Tell what Harry is thinking while Sirius is talking?
Other than that, great first chapter! (Too bad your first fanfic got deleted...)Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing! Usually I'll check and it will say 0 reviews found, but when I saw I had one, it made my day! About the chapter being short, your right, it's short because it's a prologue. The next ones will be longer. I took your advice and split up the paragraph about Jane and Lily being friends. Of course, now I have to wait for it to be validated again... but oh well! Nothing I can do about it, so I might as well be patient!
Agan, thank you so much for reviewing! It gives me motivation to think that people are actually reading what I write! It means so much to me that people take their time to do this!
~Cassie :) Report Review
I'm not really a fan of one shots exactly for this reason. As soon as I finish reading them I wish there was another chapter.
This story is quite funny, I'm surprized that it's your first humor fic. And not only is it funny, but there's no inconsistencies like there usually are in Muggle/Wizard fics, which constantly bother me. I'm also glad for the correct use of grammar, but that can almost go unsaid (who likes fan fics that have bad grammar?).
Of course, I'm biased, since I adore the twins, but great one shot! (Again, I keep on catching my self trying to say that I can't wait for the next chapter...)
Anyway, great job, but my keyboard is acting up on me so I better stop before it completely stalls out...Author's Response: Haha, I know what you mean. While it's nice writing one-shots because you don't have to spend near as much time on them, and the end is always in sight, it is sad to read them when you really wish there was more. I'm sorry there's not. I really wanted to do a series of one-shots of pranks and other funny happenings, but I really need to focus on other things. Maybe when I have nothing else to do, I'll try my hand at writing humor again. It was fun after all the angst I normally write, especially after my other one-shot which I completed just before starting this one. Oh, it was terrible. I was so depressed writing it. It turned out pretty awesome though, which was good.
Anyway, I'm getting very off-track here. I'm so glad you found it funny! I like writing funny, but it's usually sarcastic funny. This story... well, I don't really know what this story was. It was carefree humor. I really didn't try that hard. I wanted it to be sporadic and simple. I do know what you mean about muggles and inconsistencies, and I tried to keep that situation as tight as I could while making my characters a little clueless in the process.
Yes, I adore the twins, too. I've never really written them before. At least not in a very, very long time, so that was fun. I didn't get to delve much into their different characters though, in this story they were kind of a set, if you know what I mean, they were more like one person than two.
I'm sorry again that there's no next chapter. I'm so glad you liked it though and thanks so much for reviewing! Report Review
This is your first dark fic? That's hard to believe, since it's so good. Usually, the first chapters of fan fictions are when I decide whether I'm going to read it or not. This is certainly one that I would continue reading.
Of course, this plot has been written about many times, but who says this can't be the best one?
One final thing that makes me really happy about this chapter - no obvious gramatical errors and stays the same style throughout! (You don't get much of that these days.)
Anyway, good job so far, and I hope you get a banner for this story through TDA soon! Report Review
Great for the first chapter of a fan fic. The beginning lines really draw the reader in, as lines like that usually do. The fact that you managed to select a very small frigment of their first year to show the characters is also something I respect - I find my self writing too much all the time.
One thing I would slightly edit though - the line "I think I'd like to get to know Scorpius a bit" is just awkward enough in a way that makes me slightly cringe. Maybe change it to "I don't think so." or something of the sort.
Anyway, good job on your story. I hope you get a banner for it soon!Author's Response: Thank you so much for your detail! I definitely appreciate it :) I'm hoping to get a banner soon, don't worry! Report Review
"It is this raging feeling of utter hopelessness and lack of control that is consuming and I have to live with it."
That is how I feel when I compare this chapter to the introduction of my own fan fictions.
My favorite part of this introduction was the paragraph you wrote on spiders - the small details that everyone notices but never really thinks about. That's what makes a story interesting. When your readers realize something is true that has been nudging at their minds everyday, waiting for them to discover it. That's what stories should do.Author's Response: This was such a huge compliment to me that I really couldn't believe it when I read it. I don't think of my writing as being better than anyone else's - its just something that I do and if I like it enough that it fits with the mood (and essentially my mood) then its done.
I would never guess that anyone would think it better than theirs, because I think there are so many better than me.
I've always read things that pick out tiny objects and blown them up so much that there are so many intricate details that you know are there, but haven't been fully acknowledged. I've always wanted to do that and to hear you say that that was something I had achieved in this chapter - means so much to me.
This review made my day and I couldn't thank you enough for it. You've been so brilliant to take the time and read this - something that essentially makes no sense, but is understood. xxx Report Review
I just wanted to say that I LOVED the banner. :)
BoPeep Report Review
I just needed to say this, even though it's probably been said millions of times, but this made me feel so lucky for everything I have. Parts of this story were a bit fake, some were predictable, but one thing I really respect about this fan fic is that when you said Mary woud die, she did, and you really proved your point. Many stories end with a cure, or something else, but not with death. However death was the most satisfying ending of them all. In some ways it can even be considered a happy ending... Well, anyways, I just wanted to say thank you for another great story and something to think about...
BoPeep Report Review
First off, I really liked the story, but that almost goes without saying. Maybe you'll write another novel soon? Also, this ending I like much better than the alternate one, so yeah. Hmmm, what else? Oh, I was wondering if it was okay for me to use the term "gigglers" in my story, the reason I'm asking is I'm not sure if this was something you made up or not.
BoPeepAuthor's Response: Hi! Thanks for the review!
I'm really pleased that you liked this story so much, and I can tell you that I have 2 novels in the works - one original fiction and one a Neville story set in his 7th year. That's a while off being posted, though, I think. :/
As for gigglers, yes I did come up with that term to describe that sort of person. You're welcome to use it but I'd appreciate it if you gave me credit in the author note or something. So thanks for asking :D
cheers, Mel Report Review
I just wanted to say that this was a very good HPFF story that was actually COMPLETED! So yeah, I really enjoyed reading this, and I hope you write more novels...
Really, the only part I didn't like from this is when Dumbledore tells Charlie to kill her father, just because from the actual Harry Potter books he seemed more of a "peaceful protest" sort of guy, but I mean, it's really up to you to decide how Dumbledore acted when he was younger.
BoPeep Report Review
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