I just want to say that I love this story! It's really original, which is always a plus. I didn't see any problems with flow or sentence length to be honest. The only thing I would say, however, is to vary your sentence length a bit more. I know you mentioned this, but I feel as if most of your sentences have two or more clauses. This isn't a problem, it's just nice to add a few short sentences here and there. Helps the reader from wandering off :P.
By the way, I love the last name Bennett. Always reminds me of Jane Austen.Author's Response: Hi - thanks very much for the review.
Thanks for the thoughts - I'm pleased it doesn't seem like it wanders off, as I know that's the biggest failing my writing can have at times. I blame the English National Curriculum, which loves commas - you spend enough time teaching kids how to use them, and end up overusing them yourself. I'd rather be teaching Transfiguration.
I can't remember why I picked Bennett! I wrote the first chapter about five years ago and only recently decided to pick it up and continue. I'm sure there was a reason but it's lost in the mists of time by now. Let me assure you I am not intending on another five-year sabbatical! Report Review
Coming from the forums.
Alright, so I think you characterized Sirius and James pretty well, but I think you were a bit too formal with their speech. For example, I just can't imagine the Marauders calling each other by first names. I know that you were writing this before they became animagi, but it still sounds a bit too formal. I could see them calling each other something like 'mate'.
Secondly, I know this was mentioned before, but I think the flashback could be made clearer. I had to read over a few times to actually catch where it started. So italics would have been lovely right there.
Third, I don't think you developed Kristi and Sirius' relationship enough. To me, it seemed like they got together once or twice, and then Sirius told her she loved him. I think it takes away from the point of the story (that Sirius got rejected in love), because it feels like he was more 'in lust'. So maybe add a bit showing the process of him falling in love. Even a sentence like 'The more time I spent with her, the more...' or something like that.
I hope that helped! But really, good job.Author's Response: hey thank you for taking the time to read over my oneshot and for reviewing as well. I'm glad you thought it was good and i will keep in mind the advice you gave me. I think i meant to put in something that showed their relationship develop more but that i ended up forgetting that i wanted to add it. Again thank you for your time and the review.
~Slytherinchica08~ Report Review
From the forums, here, and let me just say, wow.
1. I found no spelling or grammar mistakes, and the sentence flow worked really well. There were really no awkward spots in the story and it seemed to move along quite nicely.
2. The plot is very believable. You were really able to make it your own while still incorporating old characters. I liked the thought of Flitwick being headmaster, it's one that isn't used very often.
3. Characterization is really good. Flitwick and McGonagall especially.Author's Response: I'm glad you liked the story! Praises always feel good no matter who you are. Report Review
For a first story, this is really good! You seemed to capture Tonks and Remus really well. The writing is a bit simple, but I think that this will get better the more that you write...
Really, really good job for your first!Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I'm so glad that you felt I captured them so well. I love to write theTonks/Remus ship Their story is so touching and so real in a close to real life aspect due to their relationship conflict. It's nice cuz it's not a fairy tale from beginning to end. Simple is my style of writing, but it also depends on what I'm writing and the message I am trying to convey. Thanks again for the review and comments. I will be reviewing for you very soon. Will trade reviews any time just ask:) Report Review
One thing before I get onto the review: you called Rose 'Russ' when she was talking to Lily in the last part. Anywho...
It's a really good plot! I like how you started by following each character individually, had them merge, then ended by following each individual again. It's really artistically done, so props for that.
The flow is good. You have nice variation, and everything transtitions nicely from one event to the next.
You really give your characters life. I can really imagine them, especially Bree and Amelia.Author's Response: Uh, no you got wrong, love. It was meant to say Russ. It was Lily's ex waiting for her; not her cousin. ^_^
Aw, well thanks for the compliment on the plot it made me blush.
Aw thanks. Bree is particularly important to me because she is based almost soley off of a friend. Amelia is quite the little witch to write...she has quite an uproar when I try to plot out what is going on next ^_^
Thanks for the lovely review! Report Review
Hey again love!
Same comments as last one, but I have one blaring concern. Wasn't the main character a Hufflepuff in the last chapter?Author's Response: Oh no she wasn't a Hufflepuff in the last chapter, she was just going to replace a Hufflepuff Prefect. All will be explained in the next chapter. Thanks for the review again! Report Review
Plot: I think that the plot is moving at a decent speed, not too fast, not too slow. Your style is really easy to follow, which is a good thing, and you do a good job of sentence variation.
Characterization: You really did a good job with Hiba and her family. I really liked how you didn't go too far into their back story, and gave the reader just enough to carry them through the chapter.
Grammar: MINOR grammar errors. Nothing that needs to be worried about. One thing I didn't particularly like, however, was the letter from Albus. I just can't imagine the headmaster writing something like that. I would think his letter would be more formal.
Hope that helped!Author's Response: Thanks for the review and feedback, love! :) Report Review
I'm dropping off the prologue since you already have enough reviews there and dropping off to chapter 1 as requested. It's a good story, but I've got a few grammatical errors that I'd like to point out
1. "Which meant that, not only, were the Marauders' in the same compartment, save for Remus for some reason unknown to Samantha. But Samantha, Lily, and two prefects from each house were present and the majority of the Gryffindor Quidditch team was trying to squeeze in too. ". Mmmm, very awkwardly phrased. Could you try something like "The marauders, save an ever-absent Remus, occupied their usual compartment, but were now also joined by Lily, Samantha, all of the prefects, and a large chunk of the Gryffindor Quidditch team." Even that's a bit awkward...but that's the idea
2. "You clearly are not as mature enough to handle this position." This one's easy, take out the 'as'.
3. "Lily, appearing as disheveled as Samantha's ever seen with her read hair in knots and skirt hitched up almost to her mid-thigh". Another easy one, unless Lily is reading her hair I would put 'red'
And that's all I have for now. Happy writing!Author's Response: Hey soccerj18!
Thank you for pointing out the grammatical errors, you have a good eye and I'm glad I can fix those because I completely missed them! I really appreciate that and the time you took to read/review my chapter :)
If only one could read hair...Divination lesson anyone? :P Report Review
Not much to add about this second chapter. Still wonderful. I'm taking archaeology classes at my university right now and you are doing a great job of describing it so far. Just make sure not to get very melodramatic (not that you are) about the unearthing of ruins.Author's Response: oh wow. that's awesome - i hope you're enjoying it as im enjoying reading about it! thanks - ive had help from WeasleyTwinMom. without her, it would be a complete shambles i am sure!!
xx Report Review
Okay so wow. This is really one of the best Rose/Scorpius/Lily fanfictions I've ever read. I'm not going to bother pointing out the minor grammatical errors since they've already been dealt with.
You really, truly have a gift right there. The way that you've created the character dynamics is pretty awe-inspiring. And it's refreshing that you leave a lot of the past history out, so that the reader knows just enough to follow the story, but the plot still retains an air of mystery.
Bravo.Author's Response: wow really?? goodness me! thank you! i don't know what to say to this review other than thank you so much! i really appreciate all that and for you to say it after only one chapter...wow.
xx Report Review
Hmm, an interesting mystery that you have set up there. A few minor things. When Bill thinks the last words (It was Bill right?), you might want to put that in italics. It looks better.
Secondly. "The first man, who was scrawny and had dark black hair covering most of his features, had come in just after Rex had taken his seat. Rex did not recall ever seeing him before the funeral, but after spending a moment looking at Josephine's body, he sat down next to Rex." This is a bit confusing... you might want to put 'the man sat down next to Rex' instead of he. There are just too many males to differentiate.
Minor things, but really, very excellentAuthor's Response: Hello, and thanks for doing this for me!! I really appreciate your help! :DDD
Thank you, and I'll be sure to put the quote in italics; it had completely slipped my memory, so double thank you for pointing it out! Again, went right under the radar but boy am I glad you saw it! Hehe, I'll be putting a revised version into the queue soon, so I can't thank you enough for helping me with those.
Have a wonderful day,
-ginger Report Review
Hello again luv!
I don't think there is much more to add from the previous reviews. Your spelling and grammar are fine, there are no gregarious errors that kills the flow. I feel as if you did a better job with Snape this chapter, BUT I still feel as if his character needs a little bit of developing.
It's a good story, though. I will keep reading.Author's Response: Thanks for pointing that out. Snape's got a lot more coming, and he hasn't had too much stage time yet (since right now I'm busy setting up the James/Lily part). He's going to get a lot more action soon though. I hope that'll develop him a lot more.
I'm glad you're enjoying it. I can't wait to see what you think of the coming chapters. Report Review
Hmm. Okay, I really do like your character development. The flow is fine, but I do have on caveat.
I don't think that you have developed Snape enough. I feel like you were able to establish Lily, James, Remus, and Peter relatively well, but I just felt something slightly off with Snape. His thought process was mine, it just didn't seem to flow as well as the others.
I like the relationship that you have established between Lily and Petunia, though, as most authors tend to soften the interaction between the two.
I'll leave more in the next chapter!Author's Response: Hmmm... that's interesting. I suppose that's because there's not a much of him as Lily and James and co. I'll look over it once again to see if I could get it to flow better though.
Thank you. There will be some more Lily & Petunia interaction later in the story, so I hope you'll enjoy that when it comes. It's so important to Lily's character that I don't think I could leave it out.
Thank you very much! Report Review
Well done. This really sounds like Harry, and I'm glad you wrote this. Most people tend to overlook the fact that Harry must have suffered a lot due to all the deaths. Very moving.Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing :)
I am so glad that everyone thinks it sounds like Harry, it's exactly what I wanted to hear.
These reviews are making me seriously happy :D
The fact that people tend to overlook him is part of the reason I wanted to write it, to give people a view of what he might have been thinking that day.
Thank You again for reviewing! Report Review
I think everything has been said really, but I'll give you some love anyway :). It's nice to hear from a minor character, especially one that is affiliated with the death eaters. I think that really needed to be done, darkness and all. You really brought the characters to life, and allowed the reader to sympathize with the other side.Author's Response: Thanks for such a quick review! It's great you came by so quickly. ^^
I'm so glad my purpose in writing this piece was fulfilled, I'm so glad you enjoyed the piece. =] Thanks for leaving such a kind review! Report Review
So no new additions to my suggestions list. Good job with Harry. Good luck with the rest of your stories, and I enjoyed reading!Author's Response: Hi! I'm glad you enjoyed reading. Thanks for the advice, I really do appreciate it! I plan on popping by some of your stuff later, looks cool! :) Report Review
I wouldn't write anything, but I need 20 characters to post a review. Words can't even express how well you did this. So, wow. Just wow.Author's Response: Thank you so much. This means a lot. :) Report Review
I really love James in this story. He is hilarious. Good choice for having it in his POV by the wayAuthor's Response: I'm so glad you're enjoying the story so far! My other novel-lenth + the sequel is in a female's POV and I wanted to get away from that for a while since I love to write from a guy's POV more. I like that it caught on! Thank you!! Report Review
Love the story :) The relationship that you have between Amy and Sirius is cuteAuthor's Response: Thanks! I'm happy you like it ^_^
x Report Review
Is Jace the missing best friend? Report Review
I love this story! I love all your stories actually...you really breathe life into your characters! Report Review
That is the first fan-fic that almost made me cry. And I'm not that emotional. Congrats, and I look forward to reading your last chapter/sequel!Author's Response: Thaannkk yooou sooo much! :D :D :D
last chapter/sequel, comming soon to a computer screen near you... Report Review
I've just begun to read this story, and I just wanted to say that I can really see your growth as an author! Your writing style improves with each chapter. Well done and an addicting read.
PS George Cooper/Alanna used to be my favorite fictional characters ever, I swear I've read all of 'The Song of the Lioness' at least five times. Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection