Hi! I love Founders stories and yours caught my eye, so I wanted to review! (Plus, the House Cup has got me on a reviewing frenzy :P)
I think your portrayal of Rowena is really interesting. Her sarcasm made me laugh, but I can tell she has a lot of growing up to do. I'll be interested to see how she develops throughout the story.
I really like the description of life as a noble. It transported me to the time period, as did the dialogue. I think you're doing a great job of keeping things from sounding too modern, which is important in a Founders fic, I think.
I'm off to the next chapter now! You've got a good start, and I am definitely interested in reading on :)
--MaggieAuthor's Response: Thanks for reviewing, yes Rowena needs to grow up and I plan on making her realize that soon. Report Review
Hey! I'm so excited to see that you decided to update this! I was completely hooked by the first chapter, and this one definitely doesn't disappoint :)
I loved getting to see more of Rose in this chapter. She's very different from how I've normally seen her portrayed, and a lot of that seems to be because of her prophetic dreams. I can't imagine what a toll that must take on her, and the weight of it clearly shows in her behavior. And I love the idea of Rose being a Seer, because her mother's attitude toward Divination just makes it so ironic.
Your descriptive style is what makes this story really stand out for me. Rose's visions of the forest are horrifyingly detailed, and her everyday life is described very thoroughly as well. Great job with that!
I'll definitely continue to stalk this for updates! This is such a creative idea, and it's written so well. Keep up the great work!
--MaggieAuthor's Response: Heya! Yeah I finally got my muse back for this- was high time I updated it! I'm so glad it doesn't! :) with the amount of time between the first chapter being posted and this one, I was definitely worried it'd fall flat.
Oh that's so good to read! I'm glad it shows, as that is something I hoped that bit of her trying to sleep and being unable to properly would do. :) should hopefully get to show even more of that in chapter 3 and beyond! Yeah that was mainly why I decided to have her be one =P Figure her father would think the subject is a joke, her mother hated it...so naturally their child should so have to deal with it as a huge part of her life.
Thank you!! I'm always a bit worried about going overboard description wise, so I'm glad that it makes it stand out instead!
Should have an update soon, I'm thinking next week depending on how RL goes =D eep, thank you!!
-Cait Report Review
Hey Julie! The House Cup has got me on a reviewing spree today, and I really like this story, so I thought I'd stop by :)
Remus/Tonks is one of my favorite pairings, and I think you're doing an awesome job with them! I love your Remus: he's very considerate, and I just love how sweet he is to Tonks (even after the kissing incident last chapter :P). And his meeting with Scrimgeour shows his bravery in wanting to help the Ministry, and I was disappointed for him when he got turned down. Still, he's one of my favorite characters in the series, and I really like the way you write him :)
As for Tonks, I love her as a character and especially as a narrator. Her voice is so much fun to read because it sounds just like her. She's funny and doesn't take herself too seriously, and her thoughts about Remus just make me smile so much! I can't wait to see how their relationship changes over the course of the story.
The bathroom scene was fun, and it was great to see the kids get some face time. I love this line: "She only managed to hear Ginny scream (or was it Ron?)" You've got a knack for subtle humor like that, and I think that's one of the things that makes this story stand out :)
I'm glad you decided to expand this! I've been following it, and I just never stopped by to review (shame on me, I know). But just know that I'm a fan, and I hope to see more updates in the future :)
--MagsAuthor's Response: Hey Maggie! I'm sorry for how long this has taken me to respond to this lovely review! Been out of town and completely missed all of the house cup fun, but I'm here now :)
Remus and Tonks are by far my favorite pairing. And.. Remus is my favorite character! He's really trying to push the whole incident aside and work on establishing a.. friendship? I don't know yet if friendship is the right word but we'll go with that.. with Tonks whereas she believes Sirius is still out to get her :)
He got turned down because of Umbridge. I'm working on keeping this as true to OoTP as I can and while it never actually mentions Remus 'having a flat' it mentions he moves in to Grimmauld Place.
But I'm going off on tangents :)
I was a bit worried about the Tonks narration so I am happy to hear you like it, and that it sounds in character. I just see her as this fun loving, loves life person and compliments Remus so well. I'm excited to see how they will come together too! I'm still working on the 'when' idea but hopefully it will all come together soon!
There was one little line in OoTP.. -"Tonks joined them for a memorable afternoon in which they found a murderous old ghoul lurking in an upstairs" - and that's where that whole bathroom scene came from :) I'm glad the humor works for you! I know the tone of the story is lighter than the books but I don't think I'd ever want to write something more serious :)
I'm so happy to hear you like it! I'm about half way through writing chapter four so hopefully I can work through it in good time. Thank you again for such a lovely review! Report Review
Hi, just stopping by with a review! Your summary caught my eye, and I think you've got a really promising start here :)
The beginning of this chapter made me smile; I love reading about students getting to Hogwarts for the first time. I think you do a good job of capturing the chaotic atmosphere, and Albus's feelings as he first gets off the train.
I like your characters so far too, especially Chloe. I had to laugh at her reaction to Albus and Rose (though I found it odd that they didn't realize their parents were famous), and I can see the three of them become good friends eventually. If Chloe can ever learn to be normal around them, that is :) And I'm very interested in getting to know Scorpius better...he's very intriguing.
I would definitely be interested in reading on! You've got a good first chapter, and I think this could really become an awesome story. Keep it up!
--Maggie Report Review
Hi! I found your story with the Random Story button (love that thing), and I thought I'd stop by with a review :)
I thought this was a cute chapter, and the list made me smile. The Marauders seem just like I would imagine them to be...they're funny and clearly like to have a good time (especially at Moony's expense :P). Have you thought about adding more chapters to this? I think it would be fun to read a story that started this way, and the "crash course" that Sirius mentioned would make for hilarious reading :)
I did see a few spelling mistakes in the chapter (for instance, "innat" should be "innate"), but those can easily be fixed. There are tons of great beta readers on the forums that could clear up little issues like that :)
This is great for a laugh, and I'm glad I found it! And like I said, I think it could be the start to a really cute story if you wanted to expand it. Keep it up!
--Maggie (House Cup 2012) Report Review
Hi! I stumbled upon this story and thought I'd stop by and review. (The House Cup has got me on a reviewing spree :P)
I haven't actually read many stories centered around Draco or Ginny, and I've never read one that focused on them as a couple. But I enjoyed reading this one-shot, and now maybe I'll explore the pairing a little more :)
You describe Ginny's emotions so well in the beginning. Heartbreak is an issue that so many people can relate to, and I think you do a great job of making that devastating feeling real to the reader. It definitely resonated with me. Great job with that!
When Draco comes in, the details started to get a little fuzzy for me. I think reading the prequel would help a lot, because I had a lot of questions. Why was the ball held in the first place? Who is the Bradley kid Ginny was talking about? Did Hermione experience a similar heartbreak in that first story? I'm not criticizing your writing here...I just mean that I definitely should have read the prequel before reading this. It would have filled in a lot of blanks :)
My favorite part was at the very end, when Pansy sees Draco and Ginny kissing. It brings the whole thing full circle: one person's happiness brings about heartbreak for another. And now I totally get why this is called Cycle of Flight! Haha I literally just noticed the significance there..awesome job!
I enjoyed this! Keep up the good work :)
--Maggie (House Cup 2012)Author's Response: Thanks for your review. I alot of those things were explained in the sequel, but it seems like you still got the gist of what was happening. Its great that Ginny's heatbreak got across. Report Review
Hey Shortie! magnolia_magic here with your review :)
I very much enjoyed reading this piece, and like so many of your other reviewers have said, I'm really impressed with your creative use of the dragon prompt. You looked past the obvious choice, and instead made Neville himself become the dragon. I thought it was a really cool idea :)
I like your description all throughout the piece. I felt like I was seeing everything clearly without becoming too bogged down in description. It can be difficult to strike that balance, but you did a great job here!
As Neville was reading the diary entry, I could just imagine the awe he must have felt, the eagerness to get a glimpse into his father's thoughts. I would have been really nervous to read something like that, and maybe Neville was too. The entry itself really tugged at my heartstrings...Frank's love for his son was plain to see, and I was so sad that they never really got to know each other. I think you did a great job at bringing out a lot of emotion there.
The only issue I had with it was something Frank wrote about Harry as a baby. He talks about Harry being daring, kind, and having a huge capacity for love...all of which turn out to be true, but I found it wierd that Frank saw all those things in an infant. That was the only part of this that wasn't entirely convincing for me.
I loved reading about Neville's transformation toward the end of the story. It was great to see him come into his own and become more confident in himself. My favorite part is right after he reads the diary, when he says he "isn't afraid of the tears anymore." I was glad he realized the courage in letting his emotions out, and I was very moved by it.
You have a very touching, emotional piece here, and I enjoyed reading it a lot! And again, I loved seeing Neville gain more confidence in himself, and transform into a courageous "dragon" by the end of the piece. Nice job with this challenge!
--MaggieAuthor's Response: I am over the moon right now, after reading your review :D THANK YOU!! Whoo it's very very nice and sweet of you *hugs* I don't know how this came out to be, it was sudden and all but it turned out to be my best yet :D Thank you so much for the review :D
I know, it became a bit more cliche around that part than I thought, but my idea was, seeing as how Neville would always cry and not let anyone carry him, but Harry would, you know, be friendly with everyone. That was the love part and as for daring, I was talking about him always riding his toy broom and all even at 1. So I guess I should have explained it more but 2500 words was the limit :(
Thanks for the review again Mags. It really made my day.
*Hugs* Report Review
Hufflepuff review tag!
This caught my eye immediately because I love Snape/Lily, and I am so glad I read it! All I can say is just wow. I'm going to ramble on for a while, though, and try to explain all the things I loved about it :)
You've captured their tragic story perfectly, I think. The image of Snape holding Lily's heart in his hands, knowing that he contributed to her death...it's just so heartbreaking. And you describe everything so vividly, with such wonderful word choices. You made it so easy for me to feel Snape's loathing for himself, for Harry, even for Lily. Every line was just beautiful, and that very last sentence just cuts right to the heart.
Here's the most memorable part for me: "Has she ever loved him? Or has she always known the sinister strings of his heart? Perhaps she saw her demise in his intensity and dependency; perhaps she realized that he was always going to watch her die."
I just can't even...it's so gorgeous! Wonderful job; I am so glad I read this!
--Maggie Report Review
Hi Julie! I've heard a few people mention how much they loved this story, so I thought I'd come by and read it for myself. And I'm so glad I did!
Like I said, I've heard nothing but great things about this one-shot, and after reading it I can see that they were all true! This was so sweet, and I love seeing Remus and Tonks happy in the afterlife. Your description of it was just lovely :) And the conversation between Teddy and Harry was great...it's just how I imagine Harry would be as a godfather.
I know this isn't much of a review, but I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed this! Keep up the great work :)
--MaggieAuthor's Response: Hi Maggie!
O.O You've heard people mention this!? I don't even know what to say, I'm kind of in awe.
When I thought of this I really wanted to give Remus and Tonks their ideal afterlife. You know, take all the things that they were insecure about and make eveything perfect for them.
Even though they weren't physically there for Teddy, I wanted to make sure Harry told him how they'd always be in his heart and in their thoughts. I think Harry would just be this awesome godfather!
Thank you so much for this review! It made me smile a lot :) I'm so glad you enjoyed it! Report Review
Hey Emily! I'm back with another review!
Another awesome chapter! I love the way the plot is developing so far. You've got a great command of the flow; I never feel rushed or like the story is dragging. This chapter is a great burst of intensity after a couple of calmer ones, and that balance is one of the things that makes this story so fun to read.
I'm still loving your characterization, but the character that stands out to me most is Theo. I think you did a great job with him here! The part where he shielded Hermione from looking at the blood seemed so him; a very protective, sweet move. He did seem a little "touchy" though, which I would find creepy if it was anyone but Theo: he seems so sincere that I just saw it as comforting when he would squeeze Hermione's thigh or shoulder. And I literally squealed a little when Hermione started to realize she liked him! It was so precious, and yet I liked the fact that she discouraged her feelings: Hermione would want to be a professional Head Girl, and I think you reflected that well.
In this chapter my impression of Draco really started to change. Up till now he didn't seem that intimidating to me (even if he was trying to be :P), but here he really did seem frightening. Like Hermione, I thought he was all talk, but this chapter shows that there really is a reason to keep an eye on him. It's an awesome development for him, and I loved it!
Your description is still really good as always. Little things stand out to me, like Harry "tearing a roll apart in his hands." That's a great way to show he's angry without actually saying, "Harry was angry." You've clearly got an awesome talent for that, and it's so fun to read :)
I can't find anything I would change about this! It's a great addition to the story, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it :) Feel free to re-request as always!
--MagsAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing again! I'm so happy that you liked this chapter and that you're liking the story so far. I love the developing relationship between Hermione and Theo, and I'm glad that you're seeing it. Eventually, Draco's actions will all make more sense. He's a bit of a mystery still at this point. Thank you again for your kind thoughts! I loved reading this. It made my day. :]
--Emily Report Review
Hi! I'm here with your review!
I thought this was a really interesting read. Your attention to detail is really admirable, especially when Ebony is making her diagnosis. I was amazed to see so much depth in your description, and I thought it was really impressive :)
That said, there are a few things I'd like to critique here. The first is an easy fix: you have some run-on sentences throughout the chapter, and a lot of your sentences are just long in general. Too many long sentences at one time can be difficult to read, so I'd suggest going through and shortening some of them. That way, readers will find it easier to absorb the material.
The second thing is purely my opinion, so feel free to take it or leave it. While I found Ebony's back story really interesting, I think you spend too much time teling us about Ebony and too little time showing her in action. (And I'm totally guilty of this in some of my writing, so don't think I'm trying to pick on you! It's just something I noticed.) I'd suggest interspersing a little dialogue into the beginning while you're talking about Ebony's past. I think that would go a long way in balancing out the description-heavy first part of the chapter.
Once you started getting into the present, with Ebony at St. Mungo's, I started getting into the story a lot more. I think Mr. Runkle added a lot to the story; his comments about You Know Who brought the suspense that will keep people reading :) As for Ebony, I think I'm going to like her as a character. She seems like a very strong, accomplished young woman, and I love to see a character who can stay optimistic even after having such a difficult childhood. I'll definitely be interested to see how she develops in future chapters!
Overall, I think you've got a promising start here! Please feel free to request again when you update next :)
--Maggie Report Review
Hi! I'm back with another review :)
So in my review for your prologue, I remember saying that I wanted more detail on Narcissa's character. I think you've done an excellent job with that here! I got a great feel for her character after reading this chapter. She's a girl with a lot of pride in her status, and yet doesn't approve of what the Death Eaters are doing. That's a really interesting combination, and I think it makes Narcissa a really intriguing character. The "list" at the beginning was a nice touch too: that's a really creative way of showing what makes Narcissa tick. And I love her explanation for not liking Death Eaters; the fact that they took her dad away from the family. Even at such a young age, she clearly has the family devotion that we see in the books, and I think that's another great touch. Good job with her!
I like Narcissa's friends too. Nixie and Narcissa seem to make a great team: Nixie's outgoing personality complements Narcissa's reserved one really well.
There were a couple spots where I got confused while reading, and I think a little more explanation would be really helpful. First of all, what does Nixie's comment about being "beautiful" have to do with pureblood status? I felt like I was missing the connection there, so you may want to explain that a little more thoroughly.
Also, if Nixie is so concerned with blood status, why would she be dating a half-blood? Does she just love him so much that his blood doesn't matter to her? I think a good place to address that would be when you're describing how they got together. I think that would help form a more complete picture and answer any questions readers might have :)
Once again, I love your descriptions of everything. You do a really good job of setting the scene and giving us a clear picture of the characters. I especially liked the line about Nixie looking like a "mischeiveous pixie." From what I've seen, that seems like a great way to describe her :D
I enjoyed this chapter, and I'm excited to see how the tension between Narcissa and Lucius plays out. Thanks for the request, and keep up the great work!
--MaggieAuthor's Response: Thank you! Narcissa is one of my favorites!
You're right, that is a bit confusing. I'll have to edit up on that actually. What would I do without advice? :o
Thank you so much!! :) Report Review
Hey Emily! I'm here with your review, and I really enjoyed this chapter as always :)
I loved seeing more of your OCs in this chapter. Theo and Garrett especially...they're emerging into great characters, and they're hilarious together. I also liked Mandy's little moment with Ron; I can tell they're going to get along :)
I like seeing everyone so open-minded toward each other. I was a little suprised that Harry and Ron were so nice to the Slytherins (knowing how much they hate that house), but I think their loyalty to Hermione helped with that some. I can see them being willing to make some sacrifices for her, like you mentioned during the conversation between the three of them. Also, I like seeing a new kind of Slytherin in Theo and the OCs. It makes total sense; the other three houses have all different types of people in them, so why shouldn't Slytherin be different? It's nice to see a more well-rounded view of that house.
Your dialogue is awesome, one of the strongest points of this chapter. Theo and Garrett, like I said, are so funny, and the girls have some great lines as well. Everyone's dialogue feels natural to me and flows well, and it just feels like a group of teenagers joking around with each other, which is so much fun. Great job with that :)
The only character I'm not sure about at this point is Draco. He's being really wierd, and I'm not sure what he could possibly be up to. Also, he doesn't seem like the type to just go up to Hermione and strike up a conversation. But then again, in this case it makes more sense, because he's clearly planning something to get under her skin. And by the way, I'm excited to see exactly what that plan is :) So it will take some more time for me to decide if I like what you're doing with Draco, but trust me when I say I'm very excited to read on :)
The ending was great! I love the cliffhanger, and it's a great way to draw people in to the next chapter. I love it!
Another great chapter! Please feel free to request whenever, as always :)
--MagsAuthor's Response: Hey Maggie!
I'm glad you like the OCs and Theo! Harry and Ron are really giving them a chance for Hermione, you're right. And I love the idea of Slytherins that aren't "all bad." I doubt that everyone in the House is a jerk, so I really played off of that in this story. I'm glad you liked all of their dialogue! Sometimes I feel heavy-handed with it...
I hope Draco will start to make more sense later on. Right now, he's just trying to not blend into the background. He lost a lot of his reputation at the end of their sixth year, and he's feeling like he has to prove himself. So, I hope that shows later on.
Thanks for reviewing! I'm really glad you're enjoying the story!
--Emily Report Review
This is a really fun read! Nikkole is a great character, and I'm really enjoying reading her story. Keep it up :) Report Review
Hi! magnolia_magic here with your review!
Wow, this is very intense! I'd love to see where things go from here, and I'm curious about why Narcissa is so upset. I like that you left that mysterious for now...it adds a lot of interest, and it's a great way to draw readers in.
Your description is really thorough and vivid, and it paints a really clear picture of what's going on. But in future chapters I'd like to see more description of characters, in addition to the great setting you create. The first paragraph is a good insight into Narcissa's character, and I'd like to see more of that.
I think you've got a really strong start here! And like I said, I'll be interested to see where things go from here. Feel free to re-request whenever you update :)
--MaggieAuthor's Response: Yay! Another review! :D
I'm so glad that you enjoyed my story. I kept this chapter short, as it is the prologue, and I just wanted to give off the feel of my story before diving into the rest.
Thank you so much for your review! Chapter 1 is waiting patiently in the queue :) Report Review
Hey Emily! I'm here with your review!
This chapter was a lot of fun! I have a great first impression of your OCs, especially Garrett. I think it'll be fun getting to know them better in future chapters. The other characters are very well done too. I especially liked Hermione's reaction to Theo's confession about becoming a Death Eater. She's a person who wants to save anyone who's in trouble, and I can see her being really determined to help Theo. It's also good to see the two of them becoming such good friends.
Your plot development is still going well. This chapter seemed like mostly filler, but I think this is a good place for it. Chapters like this every now and then keep the pace comfortable. So, good job with that.
I liked seeing Harry, Ron, and Ginny again, and I think that helps with the believability factor. Hermione wouldn't drop her old friends for the Slytherins (no matter how awesome they are.) She's branching out, but it's clear that she still treasures those friendships. (And Ron sleeping late was a nice touch; that's something I could totally see him doing without Hermione there to keep an eye on him :P)
You've got another strong chapter here! I'm really enjoying this story, mostly because of your likeable characters. Great job, and feel free to keep requesting!
--MagsAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing again! I'll definitely be rerequesting soon. I'm glad you like my OCs, and the canon characters as well. It's always important to me to make them believable. And yeah, this was a filler-chapter. They happen sometimes. :] But I'm glad it didn't disrupt the flow for you. Thanks again!
--Emily Report Review
Hi! magnolia_magic here with your review! And I got here way faster than normal...so proud of myself :P
This is a really intriguing first chapter: I've never read a story like it before. I'm already so excited to see the changes that Draco will go through while living with the Tonks family. And the ending is an unexpected cliffhanger...way to start the story off with a bang! I love the suspense, and I really want to know who the mystery man is :)
As far as characterization goes, I think you've got some really strong points. I love the way you've written Ted: he's so easy going, and just seems like an all-around nice guy. I'm glad Draco is starting to warm up to him already.
However, that part did suprise me a little. I find it hard to believe that Draco would be so open with Ted right off the bat. I would have expected him to look down on Ted a bit more, maybe even be rude to him (because of his Muggle-born blood status.) That was the only characterization moment that seemed off to me.
I also really like Lucius and Narcissa. Their argument at the beginning seems very realistic. Even though they each take a very different approach (Narcissa is protective, while Lucius is more of a tough-love kind of parent), they both have Draco's best interests at heart. I thought that part was well done :)
Here's my favorite line in the whole chapter: "Malfoys were made for better things than to grovel and drool at the feet of some maniac." I could just see Draco saying something like this: it shows that his views are independent from his father's, while still keeping that Malfoy family pride. I thought that was a great characterization moment for Draco.
You're starting off at a very fast pace with this chapter, which I think could be a good thing: it will definitely keep your readers from getting bored :) However, I think you could get away with adding some more description, just to make a more complete picture. You've got a strong foundation of description already: I like the details you give about the surroundings and about Draco's thoughts. But I'd like to see you add a little more of that here and there. It would help your readers immerse themselves in the scene a bit more. :)
Thanks so much for requesting! I think you've got a really creative idea, and I'd love to see where it goes from here. Feel free to re-request whenever you want!
--MaggieAuthor's Response: Thanks for reviewing! And pretty speedily may I add ;)
The idea came from the amount of fanfics I have read about Draco, and how he always seems to have a massive change of heart, but only in a small space of time, and I wanted to write one that showed him changing over time.
I'm glad you liked Ted, I figured he'd have to be a chilled, easy-going guy if a pureblooded Black ditched her family to be with him. As for Ted and Draco, I felt he would look down on Ted, but I also wasn't sure how else to write the conversations, given that Draco is only 14 and way out of his comfort zone. He wouldn't mention anything blood-status wise, mainly because he doesn't have the power to(at school he always has his cronies.)
Narcissa always seemed to be a worrier in the books, so that's the part she plays, yet Lucius is, like you say, a sort of tough-love parent and he doesn't want to believe what Narcissa is saying anyway :P Unlike some fanfics, I have written it as if Lucius does love his wife and son, as I feel that is how it is in the books.
I will try and add more description! And so long as I'm not moving too fast ;)
Again, thanks for reviewing :):)
--Fallen Report Review
Hey Emily, I'm back with another review! And if I'm not mistaken, I'm actually on time for once. I know I say I'll get reviews done in a week tops, but I can never seem to do it :/ Until now, anyway!
I enjoyed this chapter a lot, and I think you've got a nice pace going so far (which I think I may have mentioned before.) You've got something to spark my interest in each chapter I've read so far, which is great!
The thing I enjoyed most about this chapter is the Theo time. I can already tell this boy is going to steal my heart! I liked getting to know a little more about him--he's a writer and an animal lover, and has his own circle of Slytherin friends completely apart from Draco. I get the feeling he has high expectations for people, and Draco definitely doesn't meet his standards (I had to laugh when he called him a "moron") Overall he seems like a good guy, and I look forward to seeing more of him.
While I can safely say that Theo is my favorite character in the story so far, I did feel that his demeanor towards Hermione in this chapter is worlds apart from the first one, when they met. He's much more relaxed and open with her, and I didn't really get a sense of why. What changed to make Theo loosen up a bit? Was it Crookshanks that broke the ice? I'd like to see that fleshed out just a bit more :)
Your descriptions in this chapter are strong as always. I got a really clear, vivid picture of the head dorm, and also of what the characters were doing and how they spoke. I think you're doing fine in that area :)
Draco is being very mysterious: I had no idea what his motivations were for wanting to meet Hermione, and I'm interested to see what he's planning. I haven't quite warmed up to him yet, though. In fact, after seeing more of Theo I have a feeling I'll be rooting against Draco in this :P
Overall, a really strong chapter with an intriguing ending and an adorable Head Boy :) What more could readers ask for? Great job!
--MagsAuthor's Response: Hey Maggie!
I'm really happy that you liked this chapter. I'll go request the next one soon. I'm so stoked that you're enjoying Theo. I'll definitely flesh out why he's so much nicer in this chapter. To explain to you a bit, though: he thought that Hermione would be judgmental of him, so he was judgmental of her. And he wasn't in the best mood earlier. Now that Crookshanks has broken the ice and given him an opportunity to talk to Hermione, he finds that he can still be very much himself around her. He's a really laid-back guy. :] I'm glad that you aren't fond of Draco yet, actually! Neither is Hermione, haha. Readers should be suspicious of him for a while, until he starts to get closer to Hermione. So I don't mind that you don't like him. Thanks again for a wonderful review!
--Emily Report Review
Cal, hi! I'm finally here! You must be so frustrated with me for not getting to this sooner, and I'm so sorry. There's always something that slows me down...if it's not school, it's work :/ But I did really enjoy this chapter as usual :)
I think the two scenes you showed me work really well here. I especially liked the part where Harry calls Sirius "Snuffles"--it's the perfect way to raise his suspicions, and I think you did a great job there. Also, I like the way you write Ginny in this scene; she's hotheaded and snarky, and it just seemed like the perfect reaction for her in this situation :)
The thing I like best about the second scene is the way you write James. I love the fact that he doesn't automatically change his personality when things start to go well with Lily. Even though he's trying to be on his best behavior for her, he's still kind of a jerk, and it's going to take time for him to grow out of that. I think you did a really good job of reflecting that in his character, especially at the beginning when he mocks her. Plus, I just thought it was a really cute scene :)
I only have one critique to make on this, and it's about dialogue. I think I've probably commented on this a few times during this story, and overall I think you've really improved at it. But in this chapter it struck me--sometimes when the teenagers speak (especially Sirius and James), they sound more like adults. Here are the lines that jumped out at me:
"But seriously; you talk as if I'm a familiar person to you."
"I've meant every word I've ever said to you regarding my feelings."
To me, these just sound a little formal to be coming out of the mouths of teenage boys. But that may not even be something you want to correct...I just thought I'd throw my opinion out there :)
The phone call was just what I would have expected from Xenon--super intense and ominous. And I like the nickname, by the way. Making fun of his parentage seems like it would be really hurtful for Xenon's little brother. Way to bring in some suspense at the very end...I'm dying to know who the little brother is, and I'm already racking my brain trying to guess!
Great addition to the story! I know your readers will be thrilled with this update, and I really enjoyed reading it. Hopefully you get a chance to update soon, and feel free to PM me as always if you need anything :)
--MagsAuthor's Response: Mags! Hi! Thanks for coming back again! :) I'm so sorry I've taken this long to respond to your review! I've just been going through a lot at the moment so have really little time on here. And don't you worry about being late =) It's fine!
I'm so glad that you liked this chapter! It took me too long to write and gave me a LOT of second thoughts. So I'm happy that it sort of worked out in the end! :)
Hahaha, thanks for the compliments on those two scenes! I loved writing them :) Thanks for all your help too by the way! :D
And yes. I do know that I have a problem with dialogue, but you know, in the situations you mentioned, I was like, maybe it's possible that when a person is serious and means what they're saying they can be a bit formal. I know I do that sometimes. But that's just me maybe. I don't know. I suppose you could say that I don't know how better to write those dialogues. =/ I'm constantly working on improving them though! And I'm glad you help me always! :)
Haha, the phone call. Surprisingly, it came out exactly as I had imagined it to be like. I was very happy with it. I'm happy that you liked it too. And yes! The nickname! We had been thinking about it so much but when I was write the scene it came to me automatically, effortlessly. It just fits too, like you said. :)
Thanks for the review Mags! They're always a delight! Love you for that!
-Cal Report Review
Hey Emily! Maggie here with your review!
This was another really good chapter! I enjoyed reading it :) I'll just hit on some of your areas of concern, but I'm afraid I dont' really have concrit to offer on this one (which is always good news, right?)
First, characterization: I think you're doing a good job of keeping the canon characters true to how we see them in the books. The first scene is an awesome example of this...I just love the differing reactions to Malfoy's appearance. Harry goes flying off the handle (as he tends to do when Malfoy is around), Hermione tries to calm him down, and Ron offers a sarcastic comment at the end. I just really enjoyed that part :)
I also really like Draco in this, although I don't really agree with Hermione when she says he doesn't seem as arrogant. To me, he seems like his usual pretentious self, taking every opportunity to insult people (especially Hermione herself.) His dialogue in the first scene made me laugh, and his insults to Hermione in the carriage seemed like just the kind of thing he would say. Good job with him so far :)
Okay, on to description: I didn't see as much description of surroundings in this chapter as the last one, but I think that's okay. You still spend enough time on it that readers get a sense of what's going on, and I didn't feel like the chapter was bogged down by description (a super easy trap to fall into.) And I like the vivid words you use to describe characters' actions.
And the Sorting Hat's song! That would have been so hard for me to write, and I'm really impressed with yours :) Nice touch!
Now for plot development: I think you're moving at a comfortable pace, and I never felt rushed or bored. So you're doing a good job there.
I'm starting to really get into this story! I'm super excited to get to know Theo better, like I said...hopefully he will make an appearance next chapter :) Awesome job, and feel free to re-request as always!
--MaggieAuthor's Response: Hey Maggie!
Thanks for another really great review! I'm so happy that you like the story, and I'm definitely going to rerequest in a moment. I'm glad you think the characters are believable and that you liked the Sorting Hat song. :D I love it. Also, to sort of explain why Hermione doesn't think that Draco is as arrogant as he normally is: when she laughs at him and doesn't take him seriously, he would normally be angrier or lose his patience, but he just lets it go. Make sense? I hope so! Thanks again for your awesome review.
--Emily Report Review
Emily, hi! I'm finally here with your review! Thanks for your patience :)
So, I actually haven't read much Dramione at all, and I'm glad to be starting with this fic! I think you've got a really nice first chapter here, and I had a lot of fun reading it :)
As far as description goes, I think you're doing a good job. Your descriptions of Hermione's behavior and thoughts are really thorough and clear, which is nice to see. And the scene where she gets her letter focuses more on her physical surroundings, and I think you do a great job with that as well. I liked seeing that versatility in your description.
You asked about believability, which can obviously be difficult to achieve in an AU fic. But I think you're doing well with that so far. Even though the shared dorm thing is a little far-fetched to me, I like how you gave some reasoning behind the decision. Same with the other events that deviate from canon: like Hermione and Ron's breakup and the trio deciding to go back to Hogwarts for seventh year. Telling us why these things happened helps to make the story a lot more believable.
Also on that point, I love the way Hermione acts at the beginning of the chapter. I can just see her letting the Head Girl thing go to her head a bit (but not to be purposely arrogant), and I think you've done an awesome job of showing that. It made me smile :)
Along with Hermione's characterization, I also love the way you've written Harry and Ron. Their differing ways of bringing Hermione back down to earth really struck me: Ron is blunt and insensitive, while Harry is more into polite honesty. I thought that part was just perfect for each of their characters.
And I'm loving Theo so far! He seems like a really mysterious, intriguing character, and I am definitely interested in seeing more of him :)
Overall, I think you do a good job with making the dialogue sound true to life. But there is one spot that felt a little off to me. It's a line of Harry's, when he says "...the war will be thrown into sharp relief." I mean, that's definitely a true statement, but it just seems like a really formal way to say it. I feel like Harry's dialogue would be more relaxed there. Maybe something like, "We'll have to focus even more on the war." Or something sort of along those lines :)
I think your best dialogue moment by far is Draco's entrance at the end--that part made me laugh! "Nott has never had my charisma." That was too funny, and it makes me excited to hear what Draco will have to say in future chapters :P
I enjoyed this a lot! Feel free to PM me with any questions, and to re-request whenever you want! Keep up the good work :)
--MagsAuthor's Response: Hey Mags!
Thank you so much for this review! It made me so happy! You're so precise in your comments and you've really made me smile. I'm definitely going to change that line of Harry's dialogue that sounds weird. I have issues with Harry and Ron, haha. I'm glad you liked them overall, though. The story moves relatively slowly, but I hope you like it as I keep rerequesting. :] I'm excited to see what you think of the rest of the story. Thanks again!
--Emily Report Review
Hi! magnolia_magic here with your review :)
So I have to admit I was a little wary of the idea of a Harry/OC pairing. I've never read one before, so I wasn't sure what to expect. But this has definitely surpassed any expectations I had. I think you've got an awesome start here!
In your post you asked about general interest level while reading this chapter. You've definitely sparked my interest here, and I'm excited about reading future updates! So I think you're good on that front :)
With any canon/OC pairing, it takes a truly awesome OC to make it work, especially with a main character like Harry. I think you've definitely got that here! I love Selena. I mean, I LOVE her. She's very catty and snide, as one would expect from a Slytherin, but what's fun about her is that she's rude to absolutely everyone, not just Gryffindors. I'm wondering if there's anyone in the entire Hogwarts castle that Selena doesn't hate :P I like her interaction with Draco because it's unexpected; she doesn't seem to worship him like so many other Slytherins. Her voice is witty and funny, and I just got such a huge kick out of reading from her point of view. Like Harry, I'm super curious about what lies beneath Selena's harsh exterior.
Speaking of Harry, his characterization seemed very different than the way I've always seen him. His very sudden and intense preoccupation with Selena wasn't entirely convincing for me. I just needed a little more reasoning behind his thoughts: why exactly does he feel like there's more to Selena than meets the eye? Why was he amused at the cruel way she treated him, instead of angry? Basically, I'd like to know what it is about Selena--besides her looks--that sparks Harry's interest.
That said, I do like that second scene with Harry and Ron talking, mainly because of the dialogue. The tone of their conversation seems natural, and I think Ron's comments are especially spot-on. "All the Slytherins seem to mesh together in my memory." I love that line because it just sounds like something that would come out of Ron's mouth :)
Like I said, I think you're off to an awesome start to your story! I love the way Selena's personality shines through in everything: not just the dialogue, but the narrative as well. I can hear her bitterness and razor-sharp with in every word of this, giving an interesting perspective of the events. And as for Harry, I think he's got a lot of room to grow in future chapters, and I'm excited to see that! Again, great job :)
--MaggieAuthor's Response: Thank you for the awesome review!
I completely understand your wariness of Harry/OC pairings. I was a kind of scared of it when I was writing it :) Harry/Ginny is one of my favorite shippings, so the whole situation was a little weird for me.
Yay! I love Selena too! She is probably one of my favorite brain childs. I adore clever, synical, anti-social characters so I tried to pore all of that into her.
I had a lot of fun writing her interraction with Draco and I'm glad you enjoyed the result.
Harry, on the otherhand, is a character I have a lot of difficulty writing. He never sounds right. A lot of his sudden infatuation with Selena is probably due to the fact that I have never really written romance before, and I kind of need to work on the relationship pacing. I guess I just have to practice :)
I love writing Ron! He's probably the cannon character that is easiest for me to write and I'm glad he sounds like himself.
Thank you for the wonderful review! I will definitely re-request for future chapters :) This was super helpful Report Review
Hi! magnolia_magic here with your requested review!
I think you've got a great first chapter here! It definitely sparks my interest, and I think any reader would be curious to see where this goes.
I love the way you portray little Bill and his feelings about Charlie getting all the attention. That resonates with so many people (I can definitely relate!), and I think that's a big part of what makes this chapter so appealing. Everyone has issues with their siblings at one point or another, and you've done an awesome job of capturing that typical childhood resentment. And Bill is just so adorable! I found myself having many an "aww" moment as I read this :)
Another thing I love is the way the narrative fits Bill's age. Your word choice makes it clear that the story is told from a child's perspective. For example: "He made a promise to himself that he would always brush his teeth from this point on." That strikes me as something that would come to a child's mind in that situation, and I love that. It really drew me in and made me see the events unfolding from a kid's perspective.
I thought the flow was good overall, but I did feel like the very beginning could be a little smoother. I really enjoyed the suspense you set up with the first sentence, but I would have liked to see a little more of a transition between that sentence and the beginning of the plot. The jump just seems a little abrupt to me there. But that's a really nit-picky thing, so I wouldn't be too concerned about it :)
I love your vivid description, especially of the ice cream incident and of Babbling Belinda. You do a great job of bringing those scenes to life through the details you give.
I really enjoyed this! I think you've got an awesome start to the story, and it seems like a really creative idea. I've never read the series this is based on, but this chapter makes me think I should check it out! Thanks for requesting, and feel free to re-request whenever you want :)
--MaggieAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for this and SO SO sorry for how long it's taken me to respond to this!
I'm glad that it sparks your interest! To be honest, I'm rather proud of how my little Bill turned out! Though I'm a little surprised at how easy it was for me to get into the little guy's head considering I'm a girl and about 20 years older than him! :)
I can see what you mean on the transition of the first sentence but I mean it to be abrupt :P I can take a look at it though! Thank you! Report Review
Hi Rose! Maggie here with your review :)
In your last chapter, I remember suggesting that you add a bit more detail. While I was reading this chapter, I saw huge improvements in that area, especially with visual details. I love your description of the Burrow decorated for the wedding. And I love that the balloons are pink...it's such a cheerful, cheesy wedding color, and it adds to the irony of the whole situation :) Even the little details you added (the creaky stairs, Malfoy's fingers playing with the bed sheet) add so much color and interest, and I really enjoyed reading it. Great job!
I did notice a few typos here and there, which can easily be fixed. I'll point out the ones that struck me most:
"Hermione surfed through yet another draw"
By "draw" do you mean "drawer?"
"Well if where here Malfoy and where in our future self's bodies"
In this line, "where" should be "we're"
"When you going to admit to yourself..."
This would make more sense if it said, "When are you going to admit to yourself"
Aside from that, I also ran across some punctuation issues throughout the chapter. I won't point those out, but I will suggest having a beta look at it on the forums. Betas can be incredibly helpful in cleaning things up and making stories easier to read :)
I really like Hermione in this chapter; I'm getting a better feel for her character, and so far I like what I'm seeing. My favorite line in the chapter was her saying, "If we were still at Hogwarts you could ask McGonagall for House points." That made me laugh, and I could just picture Hermione saying it. Now I'm excited to get to know Malfoy a little better...maybe in the next couple chapters you could spend some more time on him?
Also, I love the way you end this! I love how Malfoy hints at who stole the Time Turner, but we don't get to hear who it is. Nice way to build suspense for the next chapter! I know I'm interested in reading on :)
I'm enjoying this so far! If you have any specific questions feel free to PM me :)
--Maggie Report Review
Hi! Maggie here with your review! Thanks so much for requesting :)
Wow, what can I say that all your other reviewers haven't already said? This is just beautiful--your imagery and sensory details are crystal-clear and vivid. I especially love Ron's description of the Burrow: "hurriedly added bedrooms and people coming and going with equal amounts of love and welcome..." It just made me smile :)
And when I realized that the italicized parts were in Hermione's voice! That just adds so much to the story; it was completely unexpected, and a lovely suprise for me :) I was pretty confused the first time you switched from Ron to Hermione (because I didn't actually realize that's what was happening), but the next time it was perfectly clear.
The only concrit I can offer is that every now and then you change from present to past tense, like in the first italicized paragraph. That did cause a little confusion for me. But that's incredibly nit-picky, and it's literally the only bump in the otherwise graceful flow of this piece :)
Again, thank you so much for sharing this with me! I'm so glad I read it...it's just gorgeous! I think it's safe to say you pulled this experiment off really well. And I love the closing lines! :)
--MaggieAuthor's Response: Thank YOU for coming by so quickly, and leaving me such lovely compliments! :) I'm really pleased you liked this, too -- it's currently one of my favorite things I've written. What can I say? :P
I don't like telling people at the onset that the italicized voice is Hermione's; it might be a bit confusing, but I think it's always realized eventually. ;) And I'm kind of striving for that bit of confusion, anyway. But I'm glad you liked it!
As for the tense switching, that was done on purpose. ;) Hermione is walking through the lane, reflecting on the subway train she'd just ridden, so that's why it's as it is.
I'm so happy you liked this -- thanks for such a great review! ♥ It really made my day to get it! (And I'm very sorry for the long wait for the response!) Report Review
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