Sorry it took me so long to pop by and leave a review. :( I've been busy writing up a storm for one of my other stories. I've learned when the muse visits go with it. Now on to you.
First things first, An excellent premise and engaging beginning. I can see improvement even from the epilogue to the first 'real' chapter. You seem to become more sure of where you're going with the story and how you're going to get there. :) There's an nice little mystery hook to start people with and to keep them coming back to find out what's going to happen. The paragraphs are well formed and very few grammatical mistakes. The descriptions are well done without being overly detailed. All in all I'd definitely grade this an O for Outstanding. It's hard to believe this is a first effort, it's very well done.
Now this is just a suggestion, but I wouldn't bold your spoken comments. It's a good way to make sure people know that those are being said aloud, but it can be distracting when reading to have the font changing so often. Especially when you get to longer comments or conversations. Otherwise it's great, obviously thought out with a nice flow and good pacing. I am very much looking forward to reading more and seeing where you take it.
Hope to see more from you soon!Author's Response: I appreciate the review, and am glad you liked it. I liked your story a lot, so your kind words are very encouraging :)
Reviewing my stories, I have found that you might just be right about the bold. I'll have to fix that later. Report Review
Aw, This is a very sweet story. I like the fact that Slughorn was the one to comfort Lily. It was a great idea on your part to run with such a fun plot idea. :) Thanks for sharing it.Author's Response: Oh, it was my pleasure :) And thanks for the review! Report Review
It's good. It's an interesting perspective on gratitude and being ungrateful. Of course Snape forgets one thing, nothing kills gratitude like being expected to give it. But I really do like this story. It shows how things we don't even really consider sometimes can be the betrayal of another, of the best gift that they have to give. It can be so easy to go with the crowd and not consider how much more another may need us to help stand against their own darkness. Well done. :)Author's Response: I do not think that Severus was actually expecting gratitude, but I believe that he had days when he felt down and thought of who did him wrong.
But all in all dear Hyacinth Dursley - wise words! Thank you!
Very much in the moment, a little disorienting because we don't have any idea of where she had come from, what she was doing or where she was going or even who she was for most of the story. But it stays with the character and keeps perspective very well. We feel her fear and panic, that moment of despair when she feels all is lost. An interesting piece. I do like that she's together enough to joke at the end. She maybe be battered and bruised, but she's not broken.Author's Response: Well, part of fear and panic is disorientation. Ginny is much stronger than people make her out to be, and I wanted to show that. Thanks for the review! Report Review
Nicely done. It seems like Ron is going to have his hands full with Rose when she gets older. I'm so glad she didn't decide to look behind the veil in the department of mysteries for him. :x I like that Draco is the one who finds and returns her. Of course with little Scorpius around he can empathize with Ron. I also like that Ron has somewhat, but not entirely mellowed from the all slytherin are scum to where he can almost see Draco as separate and at one time an innocent betrayed by his parents. :)Author's Response: You bet he is! You gave me an idea of expansion on this one--wonderful!
You know, it's one of those things: parents may hate each other, but they can come together over common experiences with their children. Report Review
Poignant. Sad and sweet with a beautiful mental image of the lake and a pair of young lovers. You can almost hear the cicadas droning away. :)Author's Response: Aww, thank you! :) I really appreciate the review. *showers you with cookies*
:) Report Review
Just your friendly reviewer for the Great Gryffie Egg Hunt
dropping by to say hey!
Interesting and a nice little mystery you're building for yourself here. :) A complex bit of plot you've got going on there. You've got a couple of small problems, but nothing serious. Just a sentence that ends a word short for example.
'His tone was friendly, yet formal in a mix of what appeared to be greif and' ?
A couple of small spelling mistakes too. (grief) Try printing you're story out and reading it backwards. It can be easier to catch a mistake when your mind is not caught up following the story.
Over all it looks like you've got a good strong plot line going and a unique idea. Be interesting to see where it ends! :DAuthor's Response: Thank you and I can't wait for the Egg Hunt! It will be so much fun!
Thanks, I was not sure about how the mysteriousness of this would go over, and I hope the other things I do with these characters goes just as well as this seems to have gone! :D
Arrg! I ended up editing this fairly late at night, and though I caught all of those nasty little mistakes, but I'll be sure to fix that one when I post the edited version.
Once again, thank you so much for your review and I'm super excited to see what other stories there are!
-ginger Report Review
Hi! Just stopping by to give your friendly Great Gryffie Egg Hunt review! An excellent story and a great piece for people to read for the hunt! I like bumps on the road of romance. It makes it feel so much more realistic. I know Ron and Hermione would never break up permanently, but I like the realism of this story. :) I would have never thought of putting Luna and Krum together though! :D I give it an E for Exceeds Expectations! :)Author's Response: Aw...thank you!!!
Actually I had read a fic in my early days of HPFF where the pair first came up so thought of using it in my fic!
Thanks for the review and I hope others enjoy it as much as you did! :)
~CessZ Report Review
Very Cute and nicely done! The twins are very much in character and I only spotted a couple of very small spelling mistakes! A nice look at a younger set of twins! Thanks for sharing it! :D O for Outstanding.Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing. Spelling is definitely not my strong point...but I'll look back over it and try to find the errors and fix them. Thanks for pointing them out. :-) Report Review
Welcome to the Great Gryffie Egg Hunt! Just dropping by for your friendly review! We'll be using Chapter 4 for our game. Thanks for signing up. I love this story. It's fast paced, intriguing and funny. Excellent writing and nice turn on the Hermione/Marauder ship. I give it an O for Outstanding.Author's Response: An O? Wow! *bounces excitedly*. I very much look forward to competing in the egg hunt, and thanks for all your kind words on this story - trying to hit fast paced, intriguing and funny all at the same time is what I aimed for, but I'm honestly surprised to be told I achieved it!
Thanks for the support and amazing Gryffiosity! Report Review
Welcome to the Great Gryffie Egg Hunt. I'm here to do your review as promised.:) Poor Teddy, people can be such idiots! I like how you handled it. It's a good scene, not too sentimental and entirely believable. E for Exceeds Expectations!Author's Response: Aw what a lovely review! Thank you so much!! People keep telling me it's believable, and I'm really glad that y'all think so :) And thank you so very, VERY much for the E! I'm really glad you liked it and cannot wait for the Egg Hunt :)
~Kat Report Review
You did better than well. I give it an O for Outstanding. Hope you win the challenge this was really well done. I really like that Sirius has been talking to Lily in his head. It makes him mad, but a little less lonely. :)Author's Response: An O? Really? :D Gee, thanks!
I'd like to win the challenge, too, but at this point, I'm just glad I've proven I can still write. :P My other fics are not going well.
As far as Lily goes, I read somewhere (forget exactly where) that the brain's ultimate defence against mental trauma was developing Multiple Personality Disorder (or Split Personality Disorder). I didn't think Sirius was THAT mad that he'd be walking around as two different people, but I did think he'd have started developing something that kind of resembled MPD. And so Lily Evans, the voice in Sirius Black's head, was born. :D
Thanks for the wonderful review! :)
Good writing! I like the use of the foreshadowing use of the Tarot cards. It ties in well to your story. A couple of spelling mistakes, but nothing majorly distracting. I love the twins pranks, they are perfectly in character! The Great Gryffie Egg Hunt will be using Chapter 4! Thanks so much for coming out to play! I think people will really like reading this! :)Author's Response: :D Thank you so much! I'm so excited for this! Report Review
Well done! but dag nab it you made me cry! :(Author's Response: Awww, I'm sorry. But thanks for the review :D Report Review
Ah, poor Sev, That is why our hearts bleed for him. Excellent job! Only one mistake I could see, he fastened his grip on his cloak not of, but the writing more than makes up for that by miles! :)Author's Response: I know, I definitely feel for Snape, he's always been one of my favourite characters! and thanks for the typo/grammatical error alert!
thank you for reviewing! x Report Review
Not much of a strange pairings fan, but you're doing brilliantly. Can't wait to read more! :)Author's Response: oh thank you! i don't really like strange pairings myself, but i couldn't ignore this idea :) so glad that you like it so far!
-WP Report Review
It's an O for Outstanding! You'll never pass your OWLS and NEWTS, if you don't remember your grading levels! O for outstanding, E for exceeds expectations, A for acceptable, P for poor, D for dreadful and T for troll.Author's Response: OOHH Oh, ok :) Sorry, I didn't recognise that :) Yeah, I know them, I just don't use them on this site :) But it's good to have finally got a HP grade :) And the best one too! Thank you!! x x x x x Report Review
I like it, the long spaces are a bit distracting though. The characterizations are good and very believable. I wish it was longer. ;) Report Review
So far you're doing pretty good. A couple of pointers though, Watch your perspective, it gets confusing when you jump from she to I for the same person and back again. If you want to make it something she's thinking then use her name. IE: 'Wow, he's kinda cute. I wonder what his name is?', Hy' thought. I tend to reread books I really enjoy and see how that author handles things I want to do. Hope this helps, looking forward to hearing more from you! :)Author's Response: Thanks alot for the review and the advice! Ill definetly keep it in mind :) Report Review
Well done, Nobody is ever one dimensional and if I ever had a problem with JK's work that would be it. But you can't expect much introspection from a group of kids. However, I love your writing and the fact that you take the time to explore unlovable character's motives. Both thumbs up. Hope to continue to see more from you.Author's Response: I agree. In the books, Umbridge is seen as evil, nothing more, nothing less. We are only seeing it from Harry's perspective, but still, every character who talks about her says the same sort of things about her. I figured there was probably more to her then meets the eye. She's still pretty unlovable, but I hope I made her a little more human. Thanks so much for the wonderful reviews... and don't you worry. All these responses have given me lots of confidence in my writing, so there will definitely be more stories in the future! Report Review
Short, poignant,and very well written. I like the verbal images you've written that give the history without overshadowing the present. Very enjoyable, thank you for posting it.Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing; it means the world to me. This story was kind of weird for me to write, because it was so short; all my other stories are at least 1000 words. I was really trying to convey their emotions with as few words as possible. It was hard, since I'm normally cramming as many adjectives into a sentence as I can! I'm glad that you thought that the past and the present in the story were balanced; I wasn't sure myself... but I thought I'd post it and see what everyone else thought! Thanks again for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Well done. I like it. Snape is a complex and yet simple character. I love it when I see him so well done. Look forward to seeing more from you.Author's Response: It's a great encouragement to have my first story reviewed so fast. Thank you. I've got a few other ideas so hopefully there'll be something new soon. :) Report Review
Can't wait to hear how Sirius came back. Good reading, I look forward to more. Report Review
Well done and very true to Bellatrix character. An excellent one shot story!Author's Response: Thank you! So glad you like it :D Report Review
Good!, I like it. Bellatrix is very much in character. Though it got a little confusing with them being in Gryffindor common room and then being sorted the next day. Your off to a strong start though, can't wait to see where you end up soon.
My next chapter sound be validated soon! I can't wait. :)Author's Response: Thanks! Obviously they ended up the wrong way round but it's fine. Remember to read it the right way. Thank you! :) Report Review
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