Reading Reviews From Member: TheProphecy
130 Reviews Found

Review #1, by TheProphecyPortraits of Courage: Alastor Moody, Gideon and Fabian Prewett

3rd February 2012:

I loved this chapter, I don't really have any criticism, it read so well I barely noticed if there was anything wrong with it. (I don't think there is, I'm not going to go back and nit-pick)

I just loved the emotions you conveyed in this chapter - at the beginning, the plight of the general sending his men to war is sort of how I thought about what he was saying about the spirits being broken. I also loved the way Fabian and Gideon were so protective of Molly, it's something I can imagine so much and you made it so we could relate with their decision to join the order.
You did really nicely with this one - I think it's my favourite of the three chapters I've read so far :)


Author's Response: Hi Hannah,

I'm so glad you liked this chapter. I really enjoyed writing it - Gideon and Fabian are some characters I think I'd like to explore some more at a later time.

I really wanted to show Moody in a different light here, not just as a paranoid Auror, but as a war veteran who just wants his men to come back alive.

I love the idea of Gideon and Fabian being protective of their family and dying for them. I always imagined they were all close and I can't even imagine how Molly managed to come out as strong as she did losing both her brothers to the war and then her son, too.

I'm glad you liked it, and thank you for your review. Much appreciated. :)

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Review #2, by TheProphecyGrace: 6 Months

3rd February 2012:

Decided to review the next chapter :)
So, I can really feel for Elsie here, I found it terribly sad when she handed over that list to Molly and how her friends were. I can understand very well the themes and emotions you're attempting to convey and it is a little heart-breaking. I think what lets it down is your technical writing skill still needs a bit of tuning. You've got a good start and you obviously have an idea of how to write these things. I feel you need to work on description a little more - as i said in a requested review - we don't care about the colour of the curtains, the description needs to be what's A) Relevant to the reader and B) relevant to the character, but still detailed enough. So when I say description i mean emotional description as well. Show not tell obviously, but through that you still need detail. (I hope that didn't sound contradicting). The other thing, I think, Is development of your sentences, some of them seemed to cut off a bit short or you seemed to be half way through a point sometimes and you'd change track - so just be aware of that :)

Other then those things you need to work on, this is a nice idea for a story and just keep going!


Author's Response: Thank you!
I'll definitely work on my writing skills. And my descriptions (I've always had trouble with that).
Thanks so much for the help!

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Review #3, by TheProphecyThe Grapevine: Albus

2nd February 2012:
From the Blue vs bronze thread ^_^

This was a nice introductory chapter and I can sort of see where you're going with it from the rumour perspective. I liked that it was from Albus's point of view, it made the perspective of Harry and Teddy very interesting. I think he see's them as big role-models and maybe even idolizes them to a point of creating a god-like aura about them both from his own perception of them.

I would be very careful with your sentence structure and grammar. There was also a mistake I picked up on - "Al could have sworn it was grinning hat him." I think you meant 'grinning at him.'

Uhm, also characterisation was more or less okay. Be careful with Harry - and there were points Al sounded more like an eleven year old when sulking about Teddy and I thought he was meant to be older. So just be careful with the consistency in his character :P

But it was a nice start, well done! :)

Author's Response: Hello! I'm really glad the way that Al idolises Teddy came through. That's really at the crux of the chapter. It isn't that he dislikes Victoire - he really doesn't. He just worships Teddy, and that colours how he responds to what he has just heard. In subsequent chapters, we will see what other characters make of the news.

I'll certainly watch out for how Al sounds. Thanks for the tip on that one, and for leaving such a thoughtful review.

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Review #4, by TheProphecyThe Art of Surviving.: Average.

31st January 2012:
Helen! Hi!

I finally decided to start the sequel to your fantastic novel - TAOB. This chapter simply reminded me your writing is excellent. I mean, the feelings I had for this chapter alone where ridiculous and on par for what I felt about the last professionally written book I read. Honestly - your characterisation and connection with these characters in your writing is something I deeply admire about your work and it really showed through in this chapter. Even thought it was from Lily's POV there were still times I was just musing about how fantastic Sirius or James was.
Your emotional perception of these characters is also brilliant - I can really appreciate how well you understand the depths of human emotion and considering I think of it as a strength of my own you have successfully made me feel inadequate :P
Keep writing Helen, you have real talent and I look forwards to reading more :)


Author's Response: Hey there! I've already let you know that this review made my day, but I'm here to reiterate that by responding with excessive adjectives and exclaratives.


I think I've always prided myself on /understanding/ people and emotions and I'm really glad that I'm not just arrogant and, yeah, thank you so much.

I won't stop writing. I swear to you, I'm never going to stop.

Thank you so much :)


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Review #5, by TheProphecyGrace: 2 Years

29th January 2012:

From the 'Claw review thread :)
So, you've got a nice start here, I like the idea of James being an Alcoholic and I thought you dealt with the stigma and reactions about Alcoholism very nicely, it's a touchy subject and I wont pretend to know much about it but I thought you did very well.
I liked you characterisations on Elsie and James, and I do feel very bad for her as a wife, I really do poor thing! The only person I was a little unsure about, as a character, was Ginny - she's abrupt and a little blunt yes and I understand she's going through a hard time, but I always saw her as a lot stronger then you portrayed and, well, she seemed down-right mean which shocked me a bit.
There were also a few grammar mistakes, so I would suggest you get a beta just to make sure everything is up to scratch!
I thought this was a nice first chapter, well done :)

Author's Response: Thank you!
I will work on my characterization of Ginny (I have a hard time writing canon characters) and my grammar. Thank you for letting me know!

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Review #6, by TheProphecyMarlene: Why Are You In A trunk?

29th January 2012:

From the 'Claw blue vs Bronze :)

So, I liked this as a first chapter - it nicely introduced all the characters through the perspective of Marlene, obviously. I thought the fact it was in first person made it easier to connect to her character and there were a few times where I laughed - she has quite an amusing perspective on things.

Once or twice I found you didn't quite develop your sentences as well as I would have liked. Sometimes you started off saying something and then left it. Also a little more description and detail would be nice. There was a point where you really suddenly went from the train to being in their dorm and it was a little bit sudden. So I would suggest just putting an asterisk there to show the time-skip or something.

I like most of your characterisation - though be careful with Lily, I wasn't very sure about her. But otherwise I really liked how you did it!
Well done, this was a nice start :)

Author's Response: Hi Hannah!

Oh dear. The dreaded asterix's. i keep forgetting to put them in when I edit. *Writes big, bold note to self* Yes, many reviews have told me about this. I guess I really should edit now!

Thanks for a lovely review.


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Review #7, by TheProphecyIn Truth: Clean Break

28th January 2012:
Here from the Claw review thread. Sorry if this is a bit hard to read, iPads can be hard to work with :p
So, I liked the story and I thought you explored the characterisation very well. You wrote how Ginny would feeling after the war very well,I thought and you used the metaphors throughout really nicely. I thought you could work a little on Harry a bit more, I didn't feel he was as in character as I would have liked. But I really thought you did the emotion so nicely and I very much enjoyed it.

Author's Response: Hello!
It's quite alright! I know technology can be picky, but I think I can manage :)
I'm really glad you liked the story. I worked how to make sure to get Ginny's feelings down to a T. I knew the pain that had to be added into it, but I'm glad it came across well. And Yeah, I was thinking of editing up a bit with Harry's character. He's in there, but I think I know a couple places I could tweak to make it better!
I'm glad you enjoyed reading! It was a fun story to write! Thanks so much for the review! :D

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Review #8, by TheProphecyPortraits of Courage: Remus Lupin

22nd January 2012:

I noticed your status and decided to skip ahead to Remus, but when I next come to review you in the 'Claw thread I'll probably go back.

Again, I love your writing style it's really nice - and this was a lot better then the first chapter for fluency, despite the odd grammar/spelling mistake etc.

I loved your characterisation of Remus it was just so right and so well done, and I thought McGonagall's musings at the end were a really nice touch. I just love the idea for this collections and I think you're doing really well. I think Remus just has this wonderful quiet about him that can draw people in, he's not loud and rambunctious like his friends and yet he still gets various forms of attention and I think you captured that quiet intelligence really well. I also loved the slight bitterness he had, reminding us he's not the carefree one, and he does 'have the weight of the world on his shoulders'

This was just really well done, and I can't wait to get round to reading the rest!

Hannah x

Author's Response: I'm glad you picked Remus. He is a lovely character. :)

I will be having this beta read so hopefully they will pick up on any of those errors you may have caught. I try to pick most of them up myself but sometimes are eyes are a bit complacent when it comes to our own fics.

This collection has been my brain child for many years and I'm hoping to update more soon. Remus's chapter was really easy and the idea of him being a pawn in the war was sort of what drove this chapter from the beginning. McGonagall is definitely an interesting character too, put in this place to essentially send her children off to war.

I hope you do get a chance to check out the rest. Thank you for the review.

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Review #9, by TheProphecyBigger on the Inside: Bigger on the Inside

22nd January 2012:
I must inform you, this story has made me very happy! I think you're doing so well with it. I just love the characterisation - You've written The Doctor brilliantly, he doesn't feel OOC at all. I also love your characterisation of Lysander, I mean not all the next gen kids can be sex-gods right?

Well done! I've really enjoyed what I've read :) I hope you'll continue this story, and it can carry on making me happy :)


Author's Response: Yay! I'm so glad - and thrilled with the feedback on my Doctor! Lysander is cool. He is honestly one of the coolest characters I've ever written. So much fun :P Yeah, I've had enough of Next Gen sex gods too...:P

I will be continuing this story, and hope it will continue to make you happy :) Thanks for the review!

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Review #10, by TheProphecyPortraits of Courage: The Phoenix Rises

21st January 2012:

From the 'Claw review thread here :)

I really loved this It was very nice to read, I found it quite fluid and well-written. It was easy enough to follow and yet still felt like a sophisticated story. There were a few places where because of your writing style and sentence structure I had to re-read a sentence or two just to get what was being said.

Other then that it was concise, I enjoyed the idea of it. I thought you did well with the charactersation of both McGonagall and Dumbledore, I actually read them in their voices rather then in mine which was nice - not many stories make me do that.

The general plot of the chapter was great too! The origins of The Order have never been something I've ever thought about so it was nice to read a story that explored that.

Well done, nice chapter! Just be careful with your sentence structure and keeping it fluid - your writing style is great, just be careful where it might hinder you rather then help :)

Hannah x

Author's Response: Hello there!

I'm glad you liked this! This has been a fun little project for me so the response it's received is just fantastic.

I'll reread the chapter and see if I can spot any places that may be confusing to readers. Sorry about that.

I'm glad you found my characterizations well-done. McGonagall and Dumbledore are such difficult characters to write, but I especially love writing McGonagall in this collection.

I'd love to read more fics about the first Order being formed. The quote by JFK in the summary really sparked my imagination with this and it sort of grew into this thing I have now.

Thanks for the suggestion, I'll keep that in mind for future chapters. Thanks for the review.

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Review #11, by TheProphecyMaturity and Maternity: Chapter 1

21st December 2011:

Sorry this took me a little while to get too, Christmas week is a bit busy :P

So, just a general overview and first impressions, i'll go into more details in a moment. I really like your introduction, it made me giggle and I love the realistic attitude Audrey has about things, it's quite refreshing to read. I can see a sort of plot forming here, and obviously I'd be excited to see how you develop it.

Characterisation -

So! Audrey, I love how she is characterised, right from the moment i started reading I got a very strong idea of who she was, her ideals and how she saw life. Which is brilliant! Now what you need to do is work on making the reader connect to her emotionally in a way they can sympathise with her. Basically, keep doing what you're doing and you'll be fine, just bear in mind the view of the reader.

Grammar/Punctuation/Style -

You have good grammar and punctuation as far as I can see, I don't think there were any mistakes, even so I would suggest getting a Beta for this just to double-check it. Your have a nice writing style, it's very concise, and has enough description and detail to balance the story out. I also like how you don't bombard me, as a reader, with lots of detail and you keep things, just remember there is a down-side to that in which you give too little detail. Although I will admit you seem to be doing okay there by yourself :)

You have a nice grasp on humour, and i really like the slightly dry, subtlety you have here. Especially seeing as it's done in Audrey's voice and I think that has helped a lot with her characterisation.

I think my main problem with it is the ending, it ends quite shortly, I know it's a sort of cliff-hanger, but I feel you cut it off quite abruptly so just watch out for that :)

Overall, I really enjoyed this first chapter, keep going with it and feel free to re-request for new chapters!

Hannah (TheProphecy)

Author's Response: Hello Hannah! I'm Arielle!

I'm really glad you liked the characterization with Audrey. She's kind of different then the characters I normally write and I was afraid she'd come off as an ice queen rather then just a girl with a realistic view on life.

I normally do a cliff-hanger for my first chapter. White Lie had one, Dolche Vida will have one, and this one has one. I just use it to keep the reader's attention you know?

Thank you!

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Review #12, by TheProphecyOur Life: Prolouge

13th December 2011:

You get the dubious honour of being my first review. I rather hope you don't mind it might be a bit rambly, i'm going to try to keep it to a minimum of tangenty type things.


So I've noticed you don't really employ the use of semi-colons which can be useful. I'm not going to pretend to be an expert in this field, my own grammar and punctuation being often horrific at best. But I would encourage you to use the Semi-colon a few more times and it's basically there to connect two really similar sentences and sometimes you put a comma there instead so just watch out for that and don't be afraid! The other thing was i noticed in a few places you have double words like 'very very' where you haven't put a comma between them, so be careful.

Writing style

So, you seem to have an intelligent writing style, nice use of language in varying places. I feel sometimes you don't develop your sentences fully and clip them off slightly short, try to make sure it's developed enough so you can move on and doesn't feel so abrupt. I think this also attributes to the short paragraphs you have, other then speech (which you have a lot of I will admit) try to not have one-line paragraphs, add details, constantly be developing, foreshadowing, hinting, anything.

Characterisation and Development

I sort of touched on this already, but I feel with Micheal, there could have been a little bit more of his character displayed, it might be because it's midnight but reading it I didn't get a huge sense of his character so just remember to always be developing that and giving more subtle detail. It's not ostentatious, in your face type detail I want, just little things keep dropping them in there. I can see you're starting to do that just continue it more.


So, we don't get a huge amount of plot in there, but that's okay. I like what you've done so far because I don't think it's needed that much it's a good introductory chapter and gives us a good insight into our protagonist which is brilliant and jsut what you need.


Overall I really like this as an opening chapter, few things you need to work on but no one is perfect so it's fine. Just keep of developing and don't be afraid of that punctuation!

I really like the story so far and well done!

Hannah x

Author's Response: Woo! And it's long... Which is good! Helpful!

Grammar and spelling and stuff... NOT my expertise, considering my age (Can I use that as an excuse? xD) and always having been bad at it... Although I learned how to use semi-colons properly today, so this should improve!

Writing Style. You can have an intelligent writing style? Huh, I'm happy now! Add details, got it!

Characterization, just add an ever so slightly more character, got it!

Plot, Wooo!

Overall. Woo! I'm happy now.

Thanks so much! :D


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Review #13, by TheProphecyGoodnight Luna: BellyButtonSnatcher

18th June 2011:

I'm finallly getting to your review!

Okay, so it was written well, a few spelling mistakes here and there, nothing too bad just watch out for those and go over them in your writing before you post it.

I liked the general story, I liked the canon details you added in to make it seem more realistic and help us associate with the Lovegoods as we know them a little better.

I liked your characterisation, I though Xenepholias (who bets i spelt that wrong) was well done, as was his wife. I loved their relationship. I thought Luna was good, although in my mind you overdid it with her speech a little bit. (then again I haven't been around a four year old in a long time so what to i know ;) )

As to the actual bedtime story i thought it was an amazing little idea, it made me laugh. It was original which I really liked.

Overall I really enjoyed it and you should be proud of yourself.

Hannah x

Author's Response: I know its taken me forever to get back to you on this review, but thanks for the lovely review! :)

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Review #14, by TheProphecyFearless: Fearless

25th April 2011:
Hey hun!

I've never had a chance to look at your stuff :P

I liked the drama and how you kept the mystery there of the nightmare. We could see it comparing to the forest scenes throughout the books and I kinda liked that.

The ending was a little bit abrubt I was hoping for some kind of explanation or something. But other then that it was written well and I enjoyed it! :P

Hannah x

Author's Response: Hey Hannah! :D

Lol, I don't think I've read much of your stuff either :( [am going to try & change that!]

Thank you very much for the lovely review!
Hehe, I know there are some problems with the chapter, like the abrupt ending, so hopefully I'll get time soon to edit it a bit!

Thanks Hannah :)

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Review #15, by TheProphecyChoices and Chances: Epilogue

24th April 2011:

Obviously I'm doing the challenge so I've managed to finis this! yay! Congrats on completing all 51 chapters! So Obviously I might as well give you a review anyways.

I quite enjoyed it, the plot was fairly good. Some of that characters felt slightly OOC every now and again. I think my biggest issue was the detail, we barely ever had enough detail in the way they do things, what things looked like etc which really would've bulked out your chapters a bit more.

But other then that I quite enjoyed this! It had plot, Drama etc and was a very nice story. Well done! :)

Hannah x

Author's Response: Thank you for your review Hannah.

I took the Jane Austen style of writing and left most of the descriptions and picturing up to my dear readers. I mean do you really need to know the exact type of wood the table in the scene is made of? (If yes, then it is mahogany!)

I get what you mean and I will make more of an effort to set the scene for you.

Also thank you for noticing that I did really try to keep the characters real to themselves and that with my plot I wanted to create a real, slowly built up, long lasting love between them.

Love Pepper

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Review #16, by TheProphecyImpenetrable: The Prefects

19th April 2011:

So, I think you're starting to develop Amaya's character a little bit more, the same with Tom. Introducing some minor characters was a nice way to add to the realism of the great hall scene.

I liked the introduction of Tom's memory, and the flicking from one point of view to another is quite nice. Although when you do that maybe add an * just so it's clearer we're switching POVs.

The last bit kinda ruined the chapter for me, it was too much speech with no idea how they were saying anything or what they were doing inbetween, you need that extra bit of narrative just to add to the characters and make the scene more realistic.

Also, the spacing between the words was a little bit big, I would advise you to reduce some of it. If it's something that you couldn't fix because of the copy and paste remember to click the paste as plain text button on the editor rather then copy from word, it will reduce the spacing.

Well done on this chapter, it was a nice little filler!

Hannah x

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! Dialouge is generally something I struggle with, so I think I'll go back and edit that last part. Love the suggestions, thanks again!

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Review #17, by TheProphecySailing Ship: Sailing Ship

18th April 2011:

Well that was indeed a very random plot bunny. I really did enjoy it. It made me laugh throughout. I adored the characterisation of June.

I thought you did extremely well with the reactions to her from Sirius and Remus, I really enjoyed them as characters. I thought it was brilliant how she managed to twist the denial into something it wasn't!

Overall it was a really good and well written one-shot! Well done :)

Hannah x

Hannah x

Author's Response: I'm glad you like ^__^ I've always adored this little one-shot. My unadulterated fangirl side.

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Review #18, by TheProphecyHaunted: Haunted

17th April 2011:

Well, I quite enjoyed this insight into Ginny's thoughts and feelings. I was worried about the characterisation through it but I think you pulled it together at the end, showing Ginny's strength and refusal to give up.

I thought it was written well, you did good with her emotions. I liked the letter idea. There were a few grammar little things but I wouldn't worry to much about those, I think I saw from the other reviews me telling you to find a beta would be pointless because it's been said already.

It was a nice story, I really liked it :D

Hannah x

Author's Response: Thank you so much! Your writing is so amazing, that a compliment from you means the world to me!

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Review #19, by TheProphecyRaining: Common Room, Sixth Year.

14th April 2011:

Wel, this one made me giggle! I was a bit surprised to see Amelie drunk, from what I remember it didn't seem very much like her to do that. But I liked it, it definitely developed her some more, showed some hints as to the developing relationship between them.

Your Scorose hints were fabulous! I also liked Dominique's characterisation and of course James's and Rose was good.

As per usual I was giggling through-out this. I love this chapter and thought you did very well with it! I can't wait to read on :)

Hannah x

Author's Response: Go BRONZE! Hello Hannah!

Amelie is a little bit of a wild girl. I remember taking ages to try and work out what her character was: whether she was a nerd or sexy or cool or whatever. In the end, I tried to make her the female equivalent of James. She's a bit of a lad!

I love ScoRose. Nom nom nom. They're fab.

Thanks so much for your review!!

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Review #20, by TheProphecyBorn Into: Born Into

6th April 2011:

Well, I really enjoyed this. It was a little short though, I felt you had room to develop it more and to delve deeper into the emotions felt by Petunia and maybe even Vernon's.

But, I really liked what you have written, it flowed well with good description. You have a vey nice stle of writing and other then the length I think you did everything really well!

I liked your characterisation of Petunia, I felt it was very canon. Well done! :D

Hannah x

Author's Response: It was definitely too short. I wrote it the night before the challenge's deadline, because I was too stubborn to give up on it. One of these days I'll add to it, certainly. I'm glad what was there flowed, though. Thanks for the review!

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Review #21, by TheProphecyThe Elusive Snitch: The Elusive Snitch

5th April 2011:

Well, this was certainly a long one-shot ;) I was a bit apprehensive at the beginning but I think that fact you managed to keep me hooked and interested all the way through this was really good. Oh dear where to begin on the rest. :P

The characterisation is good, I really did feel for her throughout the story, she really did have bad luck. The story was totally believable, I adored the plot idea, I thought you wrote it so well! I liked the amount of detail you gave, I could really feel the characters!

I think at one point, i saw you spell stairs as Stares other then that grammar and spelling etc was all good.

Well done, you should be proud of yourself! I am also entering Shelby's challenge so now I know a little about the competition I have ;)

Well done! :)

Hannah x

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Review #22, by TheProphecyDawn Undone: Prologue: Playing God Has Consequences

5th April 2011:

I really thought you did well with this prologue. You gave enough detail to give us a feel for the character and to intruige us. I like the idea of a Wizard trying to 'Play God' it is not one I have ever considered before.

I thought this was well written and I really enjoyed it! Well done :) Trust me, it is better then my entry for the banner challenge :)

Hannah x

Author's Response: Hey Hannah!

I'm glad it's good for a prologue. It's certainly seems to be working as a hook. The plot bunny was a bit random, but I'm glad the idea came. I was just thinking about human nature when the concept came to me.

I'm so glad you liked it! And your entry for the banner challenge isn't bad! It's a good concept, and I'm sure it'll be a great one-shot...once you edit it. ^_^ Sorry if I'm being cheeky. I'm tired, if that's an excuse..
Thanks for your review and the flattery!

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Review #23, by TheProphecyBeadle: Beadle

4th April 2011:

I adored this, in fact I favourited it, it was that good! Your plot was such a brilliant idea in the first place, to have the beedle as a woman was so brilliant and I could also see how it could work.

This was written incredibly well, it even gave me some Beedle Plunnies.. which has never happened in the history of umm...ever :P

I thought the flow and general movement was really good, I got lost in it despite how short it was and was kinda disappointed it wasn't longer!

Umm, other then that i really did enjoy it. thin the only thing is, your characters were written well but I didn't quite get the connected sense I wanted to feel when reading them. So other then maybe going into a bit more depth with characters it was good! I really enjoyed it :D

Hannah x

Author's Response: HANNAH! Thank you so much for the review and Beedle plunnies you say? You'll have to let me know if they get written! :) I'm planning on touching this up soon, so I'll keep that in mind when I edit. Again, thanks so much,

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Review #24, by TheProphecySporting Orange: As James Potter Got Another Howler

3rd April 2011:

I really liked this chapter again. You are starting to really develop your characters further, your plot is moving along well. I like your general writing style of this, I think you have it moving along nicely and the flow is very good.

My only issue is the characterisation of Neville, I don't think I would get so angry so quickly, as an adult I always saw him as a Arthur Weasley figure minus the eccentricity. That is just me, it was only a minor point.

Other then that I really enjoyed this chapter, well done! :)

Hannah x

Author's Response: I don't know if I'm developing my characters so much as setting the stage! But I'm glad you think it's a good continuation from the information-heavy first chapter. Fitz is on very shaky ground, so writing him isn't so smooth either. ;)

I agree, Neville tends to be a very gentle person. However, I do think he would have matured over the years, and learned to stand his ground better. So if you take this more confident man and have him stumble upon two boys he knows to be brothers beating each other up... Well, I don't think sweet little Neville would stand to see kin fighting. I think there are lots of ways he could have approached the situation, but that's how I see it. I appreciate you pointing that out, that's exactly what I wish readers would do in all reviews.

Thank you for the review!

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Review #25, by TheProphecyHugo Weasley and Hermione's Brassiere: Hugo Weasley and His Mother's Brassiere

3rd April 2011:

Well this made me laugh most definitely. I love all the little banter between everyone and how they are all so comfortable talking about things like that. The reactions were all perfect from the kids, especially Hugo's embarrassment.

I think the dialogue seemed a little bit strained at the beginning and some of the words seemed a bit formal throughout like luncheon, it didn't seem natural to me.

I would also advise you to get some one to beta this, just for punctuation and stuff because it seemed a bit jerky in some places.

Other then that I really enjoyed it and it made me laugh!
Well done!

Hannah x

Author's Response: Hey Hannah!

I'm glad it's funny. I'm not a very funny person. So this is a major accomplisment in my life. I'm glad that I got the characters actions/reactions down well.

This was the first Next Generation fic I wrote. I think I'll attribute my choppy lines to that (though what my excuse for the rest of my stories is, I don't know.) I really haven't edited this since I wrote it in December.

If I ever choose to edit, I'll be sure to get a beta, thanks for the advice! However, this was more of a fun side project, so I don't know if I'll ever take the time to do that.

Thank you so much for your criticism and flattery! It was a nice balance between the two. :)

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