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Reading Reviews From Member: Pretense Of Perfection
  
458 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Pretense Of PerfectionValour : The Beginning in the End

30th July 2014:
Hi again!

Just stopping by to leave the last requested review.

This was another great chapter, and answered some questins while raising others. Using the third person POV writing this story was a great decision, and I love how you can follow different characters around without messing up the flow.

I think some of the time shifts get a bit...confusing maybe? The one that only has one or two sentences seems as if it could maybe be elaborated on a bit further, and personally I'd try limiting the time shifts to one or two, maybe three in each chapter, and break it up a bit more with details.

The beginning started out quite strong, it was nice to see all of the students interacting with one another and trying to figure things out. I like how they try to include Mary, even though she's sort of the outsider in the equation. If you're trying to remain strictly canon compliant, the Marauders possibly didn't know about the room of requirement, since it wasn't on the map, but the point is debatable and really a minor detail, unless you are trying to stick as closely as possible to canon.

I liked the graduation scene, it was very well written, but it felt perhaps a bit unnecessary? The other passages sort of represent the dynamic of the group, whereas that mainly just shows James and Lily, and perhaps could be incorporated into later chapters and fit better, like a flashback on their wedding or death day (if that makes sense), or a chapter that focuses more on just them.

I think you switched tenses a few times, which is nothing major that detracts from the overall quality of the story, but I thought I'd point it out. the overall plot flows together pretty well, but a few sentences could use some cleaning up structure wise. Again, it's readable and enjoyable, but a good beta could really do wonders to help with stuff like that (:

You did such a lovely job with characterization! I love how James and Lily act together, and can totally see James saying something about them going home and getting naughty, and Lily reacting exactly as she did. I like how Remus is portrayed, more quiet and thoughtful, which is canon compliant with what we know of him and his friendships. I think you did a good job with Marlene and Dorcas as well, and I would love to see more from Mary and Peter. You were definitely spot on with your characterization.

Again, I didn't notice anything that stuck out dialogue wise. I think it's pretty casual, which is how one would imagine friends, especially of a younger age, to speak to one another. It's simple and direct, which makes it easy to read and relate to, so I definitely think you can focus more on other areas.

There were a few typos and punctuation errors, but nothing huge.

You build the suspense and anticipation well, as I'm still dying to know who it is Marlene has feelings for (I'm guessing either Sirius or James), and how Mary is going to fit into their little group. Thanks for requesting, and I definitely hope you re-request me once you've posted more chapters, as this was quite an interesting read!!

-- Fae

Author's Response: Hello again!

I'm so glad I used third as well. I struggle with it, as I usually write in first, so I'll have to watch my tenses.

I have been considering cutting out that particular time shift. You're correct. It seems to break up the story. I think I'll just keep it to the one at the end, which is rather important.

I'll review the graduation section, and I might just end up making it a separate one-shot.

Yay! I'm so happy you liked my characterization. I feel like I have some trouble with that, but I'm working on it.

Mary and Peter will both appear more in the next chapter.

Oh, Marlene is going to be an interesting character. Same with Mary. I'm really excited to get into this! I'm happy you're intrigued.

Thanks again for your speedy review. I'll get my next chapter up ASAP!


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Review #2, by Pretense Of PerfectionValour : The Doubt in the Strength

30th July 2014:
Hi there!!

This is Fae (Pretense of Perfection), from the forums, stopping by for your requested review.

I think the way that you choose to start the beginning segment is very interesting, and something that I haven't see done very often. It lends an air of mystery and intrigue, as you wonder who some of their roles are and to whom, like Marlene's affair and who Dorcas is secret keeper for. My only suggestion here is to maybe try changing up the sentence structure, so not every sentence begins with their name, but perhaps start out with something about them, and lead into their name, just to break it up some, if that makes sense.

I like how you jump back in time to Dumbledore revealing his intentions for the Order to them. The passage itself is a bit hard to read, as there are no spaces between the paragraphs or dialogue, but I know formatting on the archives can be a bit tricky at times.

I think you did a pretty good job with the characterization so far, from the brief glimpse we've seen so far. My only suggestion here is for Dumbledore - perhaps it's just me, but for some reason, I've never really seen him as the type to abbreviate his words. To me, he seems to sort of like his own voice, and therefor sort of draws things out, but again, this could be a personal preference of mine.

I noticed that you wanted specific input on the dialogue, but I think you've done a pretty good job with it. It could use a bit of cleaning up, so to speak, but is quite readable and enjoyable regardless.

I think the reference to The Ravenclaw was a bit confusing in the beginning. I was left wondering which of the girls it was, as their houses are not canon, and could maybe be elaborated upon a bit further, perhaps in the beginning introductions? Just a thought, though.

I always recommend a beta reader to anyone that seems like they don't have one, as they can provide support and encouragement when you need it, not to mention invaluable insight. I also do beta reading if you need someone, feel free to PM me if you're interested.

Overall you did a lovely job for a first chapter. It was just long enough to be interesting, and just short enough to keep your readers hooked. Keep up the great work, and feel free to PM me if you want specific help/input on the dialogue.

-- Fae

Author's Response: Thanks so much for getting to this so fast! And I think you are right about Dumbledore-I'll edit out his contractions.

I'm having a bit of trouble finding the right amount of mystery and information considering the description of the character's without names. I'll work out those tweaks, too.

I think I'll request a beta reader on the forums or something, because I am really interested in making this story the best it can be.

Thanks so much for your review!

blackballet (Catherine)


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Review #3, by Pretense Of PerfectionActions Speak Louder than Words: Blown Away: Scorpius POV

30th July 2014:
Hello again!!

Just stopping by for the last requested review. Please feel free to re-request, as this story is a delight to read, and really has me intrigued so far.

I might have to bite me tongue in something I left on my last review...this chapter almost seems to imply that Rose and Scorpius did have some sort of romantic relationship at some point, which would of course explain their comfort level with one another being half naked. My apologies if this is the case, and I just didn't catch on earlier.

I loved reading things from Scorpius' POV, and the flashback to his parents murder kept me wanting to read more. I can only imagine how terrible be must've felt, having fought with his parents right before this. Poor Scorpius!

I think you did a wonderful job keeping him in character, and what really did it for me was how he felt about Mason. His thoughts about the boy were almost cruel, and the fact that he only wanted to hang out with him to irritate his father is just like a Malfoy, lol! The only thing that was a bit off, in my opinion at least, was when he referred to Mason as a "lad." Being part of the younger generation, it seems more likely to me he'd refer to him as a bloke, but that could just be my own opinion.

I really liked the fact that he was allowed to spend time at the Potter's house, and how you acknowledge the animosity between the families without making it the prominent focus of the chapter. As we saw from the DH epilogue, Harry and Draco have both grown and matured after having children, and are at least tolerant of one another.

I'm absolutely dying to know what happened to Draco and Astoria, and how their deaths fit in with the rest of the plot. Please feel free to re-request another set of reviews, but overall I've enjoyed reading these first few chapters very much!!

-- Fae

Author's Response: Hi Fae!

Wow. Not one. Not two. But three wonderful reviews from you. Thank you so much. I have to confess that I didn't realize that I was asking you to review three chapters when I said that I was "comfortable with the first few chapters," but I am SO happy that you did.

I think my biggest concern (throughout the entire story) is the voice I have for Scorpius. I really didn't want him to be the typical Malfoy with anger issues (although he isn't completely devoid of this trait) who is cunning and a carbon copy of his father. At the same time, I don't want him to come off as too feminine.

Good point about the choice of "lad." I will fix that.

Harry couldn't possibly let a child who had lost his parents grow up the same way he did. Ron is the one that is a whole lot less tolerant - but that comes out in the next chapter - and it comes back later on.

I'm so glad you want to know more. I will definitely re-request when I see an opening in your thread!

Thanks Fae - these reviews were the greatest!

Beth


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Review #4, by Pretense Of PerfectionActions Speak Louder than Words: Bent: Rose POV

30th July 2014:
Hi again!!

Just stopping by to leave you another review.

I think you set the scene and tone of the story quite well in the beginning. Their traditional Friday night plans are cute, and something I can totally picture all of them doing. The wild party was an interesting touch, and added just enough drama.

You did a wonderful job with Rose's character, and I think it's very realistic that she would feel sort of nervous and apprehensive about being in such a large crowd, even though she knows a good amount of people there. I totally see her staying the absolutely minimum amount of time that is socially acceptable, and then going home.

I like how we got to see more of the other characters in this chapter, especially Scorpius. It's so sweet how protective he is over her. My only CC about their relationship is that I imagine it might feel slightly more awkward between them when they are both changing...even some romantic couples that have been together for a while feel nervous about stuff like this sometimes, and given that they are not yet together, I imagine it might be a bit of butterflies in the stomach type of feeling.

I love how fierce and intense Dom seems, flirting like crazy and just enjoying her life and doing her own thing. It provides a good balance between her and Rose's more shy, withdrawn sort of personality.

As far as I remember you kept everything in the same tense throughout this chapter, being mostly the past and some past progressive. I can see the improvement in your writing from just the last chapter, which is remarkable.

I love that you just sort of vaguelly skimmed over Rose's possible romantic feelings for Scorpius, and didn't make it some huge, drawn out deal this early on.

The plot and pacing are both perfect to far. The story moves fast enough to keep your readers interested, but not so quickly that they can't keep up. I love the air of mystery about who the drunk guy is that tried to manhandle Rose is, and cannot wait to find out more about him.

Another awesome chapter!!

-- Fae

Author's Response: This was another awesome review!

Thanks again, Fae. I really appreciate all of your feedback on the technical aspects of writing, plot, flow, setting and characterization. Your reviews really have it all!

I think you mentioned in your review of the third chapter that I had cleared up the Rose/Scorpius feelings, but even more is explained in Chapter 4. Although they aren't a couple, they are really close and Rose understands him. If it were anyone else, Rose wouldn't be so comfortable.

Dom is great. She works hard and plays hard. She isn't the relationship type, so we'll see how this pans out with the Quidditch player.

I'm glad you like mystery, because there is a LOT more of that to come!

Thanks again!

Beth


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Review #5, by Pretense Of PerfectionActions Speak Louder than Words: Broken: Rose POV

30th July 2014:
Hi there!!

This is Fae (Pretense of Perfection) from the forums, here to leave your requested reviews.

I think you get off to a really strong start here, and use great detail about Rose's panic attack. It almost made me feel like I could have been having a panic attack, and while definitely not a desirable feeling, it's always amazing when an author can make their readers feel something so powerful.

I'm not sure if anyone else has pointed it out yet, but I think you started off in the present tense, and then after her internal thoughts and reflections on the past you switched to using the past tense. I think some of the later flashbacks sort of float between past tense and past progressive, but it's a very common mistake. Nothing major, and it took me a while to notice it, but I just wanted to point that out.

I really like the comparison of the photo on her bedside table to a virtual portkey. It's a very powerful phrase, and relates well to the magical world.

While the only character we've really gotten to know so far is Rose, I think you've done a pretty good job with her. She remains true to the history and information you've given us about her, and I can definitely see her trying to suppress her emotions about being abducted. I also find myself very curious to know what happened to her and why, and who Stannous is, which is definitely a good thing!

I did notice a few typos toward the end of this chapter, I won't point every single one out, but here is an example
"Her long, straight black hair and made her look very serious..."
I'm assuming the "and" was either added in by accident or should be "had," but just wanted to point it out.

Anytime I notice an author doesn't have a beta that's always one of the first things I recommend. It's wonderful to have someone familiar with your story, that can help out with small stuff like grammar and spelling, and even bigger stuff like plot holes and flow. There's some wonderful betas on the forums, if you plan on looking (:

I like how she has to keep reminding herself to get up, get dressed, etc. I think it really stays in line with how a victim might act after being abducted, and feels very realistic to me. I think it might be a bit unrealistic that the early morning is the only time she dwells on what happened to her, though. I'd guess she's pretty busy most of the day, and doesn't really have time to think about it too much, but I also imagine, as is usual for many victims, that certain things (smells, sounds, people, etc.) might trigger a panic attack. Late at night when she's trying to sleep I imagine it might cross her mind as well, but that's just my opinion.

I like the back-story about her Hogwarts years and house. It shows her close connection to her family and friends, and lay the groundwork for building character growth and development over time. I'm excited to meet some of the other characters and see what you've done with them.

Overall I think this is a lovely first chapter, and considering it's your first ever fic, I think you've done a marvelous job. Keep up the good work!!

-- Fae

Author's Response: Hi Fae!

Ok. So I do NOT have a good excuse for how ridiculously long it has taken me to respond to these reviews, other than I really wanted to do them justice.

THANK YOU!!!

This is exactly what I've been looking for in a review and I'm just so, so thrilled. I've been gushing ever since I read the first line. Gah!

Wow - I don't want anyone to have a panic attack (seriously *not* fun), but I'm glad that the description was real for you.

No one has pointed out the errors in tense, but I always felt something was off. I go back and edit about fifteen times or so, but I'm never quite certain if it is correct or not. I'm obviously a native English speaker, but I need to brush up on my grammar a bit.

Ooo! So glad you're thinking about Rose's past. That was my intent with this chapter.

I think that I will seek out a beta for this. I've never had one before, so I'm a little apprehensive about how it actually works. I suppose I'll figure it all out.

It wasn't my intent to imply that she only gets the panic attacks in the mornings, only that they seem to be the worst for her at that time. I'll have to look at the wording on that part. I think it's because she's hopeful that the day will go well and an attack first off is a sign that she'll struggle until bed.

Thanks again for this wonderful review! I'm glad that the chapter makes you interested in the characters and wanting to know more about the story.

♥ Beth


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Review #6, by Pretense Of PerfectionButterfly Effect: Chapter 4

28th July 2014:
Wow, you do such a wonderful job getting Jenna's pain across the pages, it really comes to life. I'm glad we finally get to find out what happened to her mother, and how she died. I feel so bad for her dad, unable to cope with their loss.

I'm really beginning to wonder why Jenna is so adament about Lily not knowing what's happened to her. I know she's a very private person and doesn't really want anyone to know, but it seems like she's going to great lengths to keep Lily specifically from finding out.

Despite the fact that I'm not a huge fan of Lily, it seems like she has some stuff going on as well, as snogging a guy right in the hallway is a bit risky, especially for a prefect. I hope her and Jenna can work out their differences and become friends again.

You've done such a lovely job with this story so far, it's going to be so hard to choose a winner for the challenge, as all of the entries are amazing. Keep up the good work, and I'll definitely be back to check for updates!!

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Review #7, by Pretense Of PerfectionButterfly Effect: Chapter 3

28th July 2014:
Aw, poor Jenna, the hits just keep on coming.

I don't want you to take this the wrong way at all, because I think it's pretty characteristic of a teenage girl with a famous father, but I honestly feel that most of the things Jenna said to Lily were right. Lily just doesn't know when to stop, and seems a bit inept at picking up on small social cues. Her "worry" seems a bit like badgering at some points, perhaps even bullying, and I almost feel bad for Jenna for putting up with it, lol. With that being said I think that's just her character and personality, but boy, I don't think her and I would be friends.

You really do a wonderful job with descriptions and characterizations. Aside from Lily, I really like Jenna and think her personality is really starting to shine through. I imagine all of the other girls would gossip about her, and I like how she sort of stands up for herself.

Another awesome chapter, I can't wait to read more!!

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Review #8, by Pretense Of PerfectionButterfly Effect: Chapter 2

28th July 2014:
I love how we learn more about Jenna with each chapter. I think her fears of not being able to keep up due to having a different curriculum are very realistic, especially with her being a transfer student.

I loved her interaction with the Ravenclaw boy, and how she spaces out and imagines the two of them together on the Quidditch pitch. I think Lily is a bit too judgmental, being mad at her for something she doesn't quite understand, although it's sweet that she tries to understand, and realizes that she's being kind of unreasonable.

I think the classes and her day were paced perfectly, and the bit about her melting her cauldron and not knowing where her classes were was pretty funny.

With that being said, I think the ending, where her two room-mates come out and declare they kissed and are now a couple felt a teensy bit rushed. Unless I looked over it, there wasn't really any indication that they were interested in each other, and since we don't know much about them yet it just felt a bit forced.

Nothing major though, and I love the story so far! I can't wait to see where Jenna's adventures take her!

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Review #9, by Pretense Of PerfectionButterfly Effect: Chapter 1

28th July 2014:
Another interesting chapter!

The idea of transfer students has always fascinated me, as we don't really know of any from canon, but obviously it had to happen, at least occasionally.

I love how we got to know Jenna better in this chapter, from her home life, to her past and her personality. I'm so glad she got sorted into the houses where one of her new friends is, and I'm sure her and Lily will be great friends.

I really liked the part in the beginning where the student falls into the lake and the giant squid puts him back in the boat, it was a very nice, and authentic feeling touch!

Keep up the good work!

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Review #10, by Pretense Of PerfectionButterfly Effect: Prologue

28th July 2014:
Wow, what a great start!

I loved reading the last moments of the family being together, it was really touching. The scene flowed naturally, and you did wonderful, especially since you don't usually write next-gen.

Zac's death, unfortunately, did not come as much of a shock, but Annabelle's certainly did. It seemed as though she was going to be okay, and the healer certainly didn't imply that her injuries were extensive enough to be fatal, but perhaps that was the point? I guess I'll just have to read on and see.

You did a lovely job with Jenna, her anguish over her families' tragedy really comes across. The part in the beginning, with her shouting and trying to find out where they were being kept felt very genuine.

Lovely start!!

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Review #11, by Pretense Of PerfectionProof: Three

28th July 2014:
Ahhh, you have to update soon, I'm dying to know what happens!!

Harry finally confronts Malfoy, which leaves me with more questions than answers. I'm beginning to feel like maybe he really isn't guilty, but I mean, come on, he's Draco, and he definitely knows more than he is letting on.

There were a few typos, but nothing major. I think you've done a great job with the plot and flow so far, giving your reader's just enough to keep it interesting, but not too much as to give it away. Excellent job!

I like how Harry really fights for what he believes, it keeps him true to his character. Even with his friends and co-workers doubting him, Harry knows deep down that everything isn't as it seems. You did a wonderful job with his character.

I really can't wait to read more!!

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Review #12, by Pretense Of PerfectionProof: Two

28th July 2014:
Wow, another awesome chapter!

I think you did a wonderful job with characterization, I can totally see Harry sitting up all night, drinking coffee, trying to figure out how to prove Draco killed Pansy. And as far as Draco goes, I can totally see him putting on an act of grief, even if he isn't guilty of murdering her, if that makes any sense.

I did notice a few mistakes, but nothing huge. At one point you say that Pansy's middle name is Calista, and her older sister's name is Astrid, but later the sister's name is Calista. Just a small detail, but one I thought I'd point out.

You've done an awesome job of shedding some light on Pansy's life, without giving too much away. I'm not sure if I think she was murdered or if it was a suicide yet, which is a good thing! You're definitely doing a great job with the suspense, and keeping the readers on their toes.

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Review #13, by Pretense Of PerfectionProof: One

28th July 2014:
What a wonderful beginning! You created an air of mystery, while giving us insight to both Harry and Draco's character, but without giving too much away. Absolutely wonderful.

I noticed a few typos, but nothing that distracts the reader's attention. I did find myself laughing when Malfoy "speared his chicken with a spoon," whether it was intentional or not. I think you should leave it, because it was quite funny, but hey that could just be me!

I can't wait to read more and find out what happens. I think you did a wonderful job with the genre so far, especially since it's something you aren't really comfortable writing. Well done!!

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Review #14, by Pretense Of PerfectionBurning for His Love: 1.

18th July 2014:
Hi there,

I'm totally not gonna lie, I typically don't read slash. I don't dislike it, I just don't go out of my way to seek it out. Even though you've just started out, I can actually see this happening. We can infer from canon that Charlie didn't have alot, if any girlfriends, so it's honestly very believable.

" Which actually doesn’t sound nearly as horrible as it is." This sentence struck me as a bit odd, given the rest of the paragraph and the context. I could just be speaking for myself here, but I think seeing Sprout's wrinkles and unibrow would be just as horrible as it sounds, if not more so (:

I think you've done a wonderful job with characterization so far. Charlie is pretty much exactly how I picture him, and I like how you've shown some of Linus' Slytherin side here too. I can totally see Charlie being confused over his feelings for Linus, especially as he's probably never really considered that he might like boys over girls before. Bill seems pretty spot on, what with being intrusive and pushing his brother into being better.

I think your writing style is quite unique, and was a pleasure to read. You really manage to get inside the characters head, even though you're writing in third person POV, so good job there. I don't remember noticing any spelling or grammar errors, but I honestly wasn't really looking for them either.

Overall I think you did a lovely job, and I'll definitely be looking forward to updates!!

-- Fae

Author's Response: Hello Fae,

What a wonderful and thorough review! You've got a gift. That was weird. Sorry.

I'm totally not going to lie either, I'm not really surprised. There isn't too many slash fics on this site. I mean...Drarry is really popular everywhere BUT this site. I really don't know why? We should discuss this sometime in the forums. That's a good topic to break out.

There's not much about Charlie at all. He gets described, you read a sentence about him every other book, and if you squint, he's in the battle of hogwarts. Maybe. I don't actually remember. IT'S SUCH A SHAME BECAUSE HE'S SO COOL, RIGHT?! HE'S GOT LONG HAIR, SCARS, AND STUFF?! I'm excited to develop my Charlie into that.

Thank you! I was hoping Linus as a Slytherin would be believable. Not all Slytherins are bad, yeah? But they all possess certain qualities that put them in that house. I've got to start getting Linus to show some of those. Maybe just hint at them or something. I don't know...I'm lazy.

I'm looking forward to hearing more from you! You're a delight.


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Review #15, by Pretense Of PerfectionRecipe for Disaster: A Recipe for Disaster

15th July 2014:
Hello there!!

What a pleasure this was to read. I love anything about dear old Minnie, and this was no exception. You did brilliantly with your characterization, and I literally laughed out loud at a few points. Dobby and the house elves spoke perfectly, I always have trouble with that myself, but you made it look so easy. I can totally see him and Dumbledore making taffy at three a.m.

I noticed one or two spelling/grammar errors, but nothing huge. Everything else was spot on, and this was literally a joy to read. Good look for your SOTM nomination in the CR.

-- Fae

Author's Response: Why thank you! I can't believe the surge in interest this little story has had recently. It's crazy, but I won't say no. LOL.

I'm really glad I could make you laugh. That was the point of the story after all. And I'm relieved you felt the house elves sounded okay. Writing house elves is HARD. Believe me, it wasn't as easy as you claim it looks, hehehe.

I do need to apparently edit this little story. Several people have pointed out a few typos I missed. Will hopefully be going that in the next little while.

Thanks again for a wonderful review! You left me grinning.

- Farmgirl


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Review #16, by Pretense Of PerfectionThe Brothers Three: The Pale Steed

13th July 2014:
Hi again,

I'm reviewing again for the "Never Have I Ever" Challenge.

The first chapter was amazing and I thought it would be hard to top, but this one certainly didn't disappoint. You did a wonderful job with setting the scene, and everything is very time period appropriate.

Your characterizations are just so amazing, I can't believe it. You managed to keep all three of the brothers in character completely, especially Cadmus. I can totally see him wandering drunkenly into the forest, and then hoping to capture the thestral after his run in with Death. I can see him running to Antioch's door, begging for help, and Antioch refusing, thinking his brother had finally gone mad. I like the glimpse into Ignotus' life that we get in this chapter as well, and I think it's interesting how he too, has seen the thsetals in the forest, but different ones from what Cadmus saw.

You did a wonderful job keeping Death in character as well. It was sweet of her to try and comfort Cadmus, but you can tell she was sort of in over her head in that situation. Her irritation with him was apparent, and I can totally see her just walkign away and leaving him there to wallow in his own misery.

Excellent job again with the spelling and grammar, I didn't notice any errors. The pacing was pretty quick, but it suited the chapter and the point you were trying to get across. I think you used wonderful descriptions, and really brought the story to life.

I've loved it so far, and I can't wait to read more!

-- Fae

Author's Response: Oh, goodness. You made me blush. +]

Yay for the period appropriateness!

Characters are really always the life of my story. I put a lot of time into thinking about them, little tiny details that might never actually be spelled out, but still contribute to their personalities anways. It really means a lot to hear that you enjoy the characterization so much and that you felt it kept in tandem with the previous chapter.

Death is probably the hardest to write. (duh, lol) I really want her to seem unconcerned. A little curious, but mostly unconcerned. I'm glad it came across well.

Yay!! So happy you enjoyed it! I'm going to pump out a few chapters of Stand Tall before coming back to this, but i WILL be coming back. Thanks for such lovely reviews!


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Review #17, by Pretense Of PerfectionThe Brothers Three: Introduction

13th July 2014:
Hello there,

I'm here to review this story for the "Never Have I Ever" Challenge.

I'll start off with the CC, although there isn't much. I don't think they had ceiling light fixtures this far back in history, it would probably be some sort of candles or perhaps lanterns mounted on the wall. The only other thing I can point out is when Antioch is fighting the gravedigger, you add something to the end of the sentence saying he was his classmate. Since it seems like they would both be out of school, and Hogwarts hasn't been built yet, it struck me as odd. Overall it's nothing huge, but I just thought I'd point it out.

But wow, this is so brilliantly written, I'm impressed. I love that you portrayed Death as a female, and I really like the prologue about her sitting in the bar, watching all of the various sins and sinners unfold around her. You did her characterization brilliantly. Her wisdom and words seem aged and dignified, just as I would picture Death. The fact that she is a female is quite interesting as well, and something I didn't exactly expect.

I think you did a wonderful job with the three brothers characterization as well, keeping in line with what we know from canon. I love how you showed Antioch's arrogance and anger, as well as his lack of morals. Cadmus seems very complex, and his backstory is so sad it makes my heart kind of break for him. While he probably shouldn't be wallowing in the pub, I certainly can't blame him given what he's been through. I feel like we got to know Ignotus the least in this chapter, but it's early yet, and you did such a beautiful job with his two older brothers it might've been overwhelming for us to have more information so soon. Regardless, I think you did a wonderful job with the three brothers, and their personalities and histories fit perfectly, and really reflect the information we know from canon. Amazing job.

I only noticed one spelling/grammar/typo error, in the first paragraph. Other than that you did amazing, and the word choice really felt authentic to the timeline of the story. Nothing too modern. The pacing is perfect so far, and really grabs the attention of your readers.

I really can't wait to read the rest of the story and see what you come up with. I loved it.

-- Fae

Author's Response: I'm so out of my league with the period writing. Haha. In the edited version, I have changed the description of the tavern a bit, so it seems more... authentic. Haha. I got a beta to help me out with that. +]

I'm glad you enjoyed it! I thought having Death be a female would put a little spin on the character, but still with the calm, collected, detached feeling of someone who has been around for eons.

I love all of the brothers. I'm glad you find them to all be unique. I worried they'd all get jumbled up together, so the fact that they all seemed distinct is great.

Ignotus. I figured since he was the youngest, and as I always thought of him as the main character in the Peverell story, he has the most growth and change. Antioch is grown. He has his defining personality, as is Cadmus. Ignotus though is just now on the brink, and I wanted to show his hesitation in putting himself into the 'adult circle' with his brothers. I needed the older characters to have an established personality while Ignotus needed to be less established so that the growth didn't seem sudden/premature.

I'm glad you liked the introduction!


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Review #18, by Pretense Of PerfectionEvent Three - The Elder Song : The Elder Song

12th July 2014:
How interesting, I never thought of the dementor's opposite, although it does sort of make sense. I love how you created a brand new magical creature for the challenge, and it's easy to see that you put a lot of thought into it. I particularly like how she looks, what with the clawed foot like a bird and all. She seems exquisitely beautiful, just as I imagine a "Creature" of light would be. And Rolf was kept perfectly in character as well. He's totally the type of guy I can picutre going off into the woods on his own, looking for some sort of mystery or adventure. I like how his family was incorporated, and how it seems sort of like their affinity for nature is passed on through the generations. Well done!!

--house cup 2014 review--
gryffindor

Author's Response: Thank you so much!
I loved writing about Adarmam and Rolf and eventually I want to create a sequel sort of that show cases others of her species also.
Thanks again :)
kyle


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Review #19, by Pretense Of PerfectionEvent Three - Lament: A Giant and a Phoenix

12th July 2014:
Wow, i can only imagine how hard it was to write from Gwarp's POV, but you really managed to do him some serious justice here. You turned a creature of "limited intelligence" into a person that was easy to relate to, and who's feelings and emotions I enjoyed hearing about. His simple, childlike wonder was sweet. I loved his interactions with Fawkes, and I love that Fawkes healed him, essentially showing Gwarp that there is more to life than being bullied and being fearful all the time. The understanding between them was beautiful, and I think you did a wonderful job showing their friendship. The spelling and grammar were perfect, and I really enjyoed how quickly this one-shot moved along.

--house cup 2014 review-
gryffindor

Author's Response: Hahaha, it was definitely something different! I'm so happy that you think I did him justice, I wasn't sure about his intelligence or feelings but hearing/seeing you say/type that I did a good job is so reassuring. ♥ I'm really glad that you could relate to him and enjoy reading about him at the same time. The relationship/meeting between him and Fawkes was something which just sort of happened (I meant it to be Hagrid, or a random student when I started out, haha!) but I'm really glad that you liked it! Thanks so much for the lovely review, Fae. ♥

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Review #20, by Pretense Of PerfectionEvent Three - A Good Elf: A Good Elf

12th July 2014:
Wow, this is one of my favorite house cup submissions so far, hands down. I loved it. I think it offered us a brilliant insight to a canon moment that we've never seen before, and this will likely become my new head canon. I love your characterization of Kreacher and Regulus, even though I sometimes hate Kreacher for betraying Sirius, this was so interesting to read. I felt awful for Kreacher, having to watch Regulus suffer and die like he did. It was amazingly sweet how he refused to leave him completely alone, and instead took the boat rather than apparate, so that he could steal be near Regulus in his final moments. I think you managed to show the very human side of Kreacher, which not many have managed before. You did a perfect jbo with spellng and grammar, as I didn't notice any errors. I think the title is simple, but fits the story quite nicely.

--house cup 2014 review--
gryffindor

Author's Response: Wow! High praise indeed! Thanks so much! When I read this bit in DH, I couldn't help but fee sorry for Kreacher, and so when the prompts came up I couldn't help but immediately want to write this. I love to write 'missing moment' stories, and this has to be one of my favourites that I've done, personally. Every person, though, has a human side to me, no matter how hard they try to bury it, so I wanted to show Kreacher as not all bad and bitter as we see him written by Rowling later in his life.
I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to reply to you lovely review - life has been rather hectic recently - but thanks so much for taking the time to give me this little confidence boost ;)

Thanks!
awesomepotter xxx


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Review #21, by Pretense Of PerfectionLily, I'm a Werewolf. : Lily, I'm a werewolf.

12th July 2014:
What a unique and sweet story. I've actually read a lot of Marauders era stuff, and most of them cover this topic at some point, but I've never seen it done in this way. Typically Lily knows during her time at Hogwarts, and Remus finds out she knows then as well. Seeing it happen later in their lives is interesting, although I guess it makes sense. I like how she sort of laughs when he finally admits it to her, and then she goes on to explain that she already knew. The strength of their friendship is displayed very well, as accepted that she knew the whole time, and didn't say anything to him about it. I think you did a wonderful job with spelling and grammar, as I didn't notice any errors. The pacing was perfect, I like how it started out slower and then picked up speed as the story went on.

--house cup 2014 review--
gryffindor

Author's Response: Hi there!

Oh yay! It's always nice to hear that you've written something that wasn't quite like any other stories. I know, most of the time she does tend to know while they are still in school. I myself have a story written where she knows during their seventh year, as well. I just thought, with Remus being so ashamed of what he is, that he would try to wait until the last possible moment to tell her. And if Lily was going to be Lily Potter in a week, in his mind, she would find out sooner or later.

I'm thrilled you liked that part. Lily laughing when he comes clean was my favorite part to write and I love how people seem to enjoy that part, too. :) In my head, that is just the way that Lily is. She accepts people for who they are. I can see her knowing and just not caring, or ever bringing it up. I feel she would have waited until he was ready to tell her.

I wrote this very quickly, trying to get it up in time. I had the idea in my head all day at work, came home and wrote it out in about an hour or so. It was originally over 2,000 words and I had to edit it down quite a bit. I'm honestly shocked there weren't misspellings or any other errors haha.

I'm so happy to hear that you enjoyed it! Thank you so much for the lovely review!! :) I truly appreciate the kind words!

xoxo Meg


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Review #22, by Pretense Of PerfectionThe Last Time: The Last Time

12th July 2014:
What an interesting idea. I loved this philosophical one-shot of Fred and George fluffiness. It almost makes me sad that George wanted to be dead, but I guess it's understandable, considering his life wthout his twin could never be the same. I think you started out very strong, and I loved the phrases where you included sensory observations. George recognizing the sounds of the shop before he realized where he was just proves how close him an George were, especially since he didn't step foot into it since Fred died. I really like how he and Fred got to reunite with each other after so long, and in a place that meant so much to the both of them. Their easy banter and joking over such a serious situation is so a Fred and George thing to go, and you did a marvelous job at keeping them both in character.

--house cup 2014 review--
gryffindor

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Review #23, by Pretense Of PerfectionThe New Addition: The New Addition

12th July 2014:
This was a very insightful look into what the life of an ordinary wizarding family could be. I think you did well at capturing how excited and emotional a nine year old would be to get a new pet, and her emotions were quite apparent. I think the mother's reactions were funny and spot on, as anyone that has ever dealt with an excited child will relate to. Her sarcasm was perfectly timed, and I can totally see the scene where her daughter pesters her over when her father will be back with the crup, and how it plays out. The father as pretty good as well, expecting his daughter to give him a hug and instead being tossed to the side for the new crup. The pace was perfect, not too quick or too slow, and just enough to keep the reader interested without being overbearing. Your spelling and grammar are also perfect, and I'll definitely have to check out some more of your stories.

--house cup 2014 review--
gryffindor

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Review #24, by Pretense Of PerfectionWho Killed Lucy?: Ruptures and Punctures

12th July 2014:
Aw, poor Lucy! And Audrey and Percy and Molly. Wow, to die so suddenly at such a young age..that's a shame. By the title I was definitely expecting some sort of murder mystery or thriller type story, but I still enjoyed this regardless. You manged to caputre the family's grief and denial beautifully, and you made it seem very real. The fragmentation of their thoughts adds a really nice touch to the overall tone, and really adds to the effect of confusion that they are all feeling. I like how you only alluded to how she died, and didn't come and spell it outright. The uplifting message of hope at the end is inspired, and even though they are all still reeling from her death, that faint twinge of light at the end of the tunnel gives them all hope. I think you did a perfect job with spelling and grammar, and the pacing was excellent as well.

--house cup 2014 review--
gryffindor

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Review #25, by Pretense Of Perfection a goodbye in three parts: Today

12th July 2014:
Aw, poor Dean, losing his best friend like that! I love how you use the passage of time to mark different phases of their friendship, and to show the reader how it has progressed and grown over the years. I love that Luna is the person that has convinced Dean it's okay to like other men, and eventually, or tell Seamus how he feels and propose. The part where she says "I've added you to my ceiling," is such a Luna-like thing to say, and I think you kept both her and Dean wonderfully in character. I liked reading about their time together at Shell Cottage, and especially how Luna would cheer him up by making the leaves and flowers chirp and dance. The comparison between Luna and the color blue is brilliant, and it just fits her personality so well. I think my favorite tihng about this one-shot is how Dean's love comes across, and it shows that you can love more than one person, even if the love for them is a platonic one, it's still very strong. Brilliant work.

--house cup 2014 review--
gryffindor

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