Reading Reviews From Member: Pretense Of Perfection
186 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Pretense Of PerfectionHow to tame a Marauder: The best form of defence

6th December 2012:
I've seen this around since I started, and decided to give it a shot. I'm certainly not disappointed so far.

Although I must admit, time and time again I really have trouble understanding what Mary is trying to say. I really like your portrayl of her character, but it's rather hard to read..

And I think in the beginning of the term it was stated that Laura was only taking the core classes, transfiguration, potions, defence, charms, etc..but in either this chapter or the last it said something about her leaving a very boring ancient runes class I believe. not sure if anyone's pointed this out yet, but just thought I would.

Author's Response: Ah, I think you must have misunderstood. Laura dropped Care of Magical Creatures, History of Magic and Astronomy after fifth year, but kept up Ancient Runes, which she continues till the end of seventh year. Hence, her subjects are the main core ones (Charms, Herbology, Defence, Potions and Transfiguration) plus Runes, which she shares with Remus.

Thanks, though, for giving my story a go. I know that some people do have trouble with Mary's accent (though I've been told it gets easier to read as you go along) but quite frankly the idea of going back through 300,000 words and changing it doesn't really appeal to me. I'm glad you like the rest of it though. :)

cheers, Mel

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Review #2, by Pretense Of PerfectionSparkle in Her Eye: Distant Enemies

4th December 2012:
I've just started reading this, and the concept is quite intriguing. I like the fact that Scarlett is friends with a centaur, and that she studies with stars, both with and without him.

However, I often find the beginning of the chapters confusing, and dare I say..sort of out of place with the rest of the content? I'm sure they'll make sense later in the story, but the first two portions of this were rather seems that perhaps it is Voldemort's perspective in the first section, and then in the second he is having some sort of telepathic conversation with Scarlett? It just sort of doesn't make sense to me at the moment.

I do rather like your writing style as well, but sometimes it gets a little tedious to read pages and pages of writing with no dialouge or internal thoughts to break it up.

That being said, you have a wonderful way with words, and can definately paint a clear picture in your reader's heads. Keep it up!

Author's Response: Thank you very much for your feedback!! :)

Here is what I have to say on that. I AGREE. I started writing this in 2006 and finished it in 2012, and then decided to go back and edit. I found it VERY tedious at some points, a lot of reiteration and not a lot of interesting mechanics/wheels turning. Unfortunately, with the structure I put the story in, there wasn't a lot of leeway in some of these chapters. (Would you believe that I cut out a lot of stream-of-consciousness writing?!) Additionally, when I was younger I had this tendency to... want to add prologues onto each chapter? I was really big on word count. Some of it I think is kind of important (for example, I really do like one of them, where there is a contrast between Voldemort and Dumbledore) but in others, I find it really unnecessary and kind of stilted. I absolutely agree with what you have to say in that regard! I hope that you keep up reading-- I swear it gets much better from the first 10 and, honestly, some of the fixes I've done to chapters... 10-11-12 are really exorbitantly better than what they were beforehand to the point where I honestly enjoyed rewriting them. :) Thank you for your review and isn't it ironic that I am being wordy with my response?! But yes, thank you very much and it means a lot that you took time out to review me and be honest; as a writer I can only grow!! :)

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Review #3, by Pretense Of PerfectionHufflepuffs, Death Eaters, And the Likes.: No Guts, No Glory.

4th December 2012:
Again, I think the chapter goes a little bit fast...we don't really get to see how Evan and Joslyn's relationship forms or plays out, and a month is a little soon to be best friends. Men especially, are usually more guarded than women, and their relationship is a little strange so far. I would definately like to see more of Joselyn and Narcissa's friendship..that is one I can see chemistry with, simply because the two characters are quite alike.

This also ties in with the pacing, but after being taunted for six years, I think it's slightly unrealistic that over just a month Joselyn's character would flip so completely, from one day allowing everyone to bully her, and the next for telling Sirius off for it.

I think these last two chapters could've spanned out over four or five, with more filler in between the important events. As a reader, we need to really get a feel for the character..get attached to them, get to know them, laugh with them, cry with them, etc. and as things are moving so quickly, we haven't really had any chance at all to get to know any of the characters.

Keep at it, and I'm sure you'll do great :)

Author's Response: Thank you for all your help! I have been editing it (not done yet). Let me know if it is any better.

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Review #4, by Pretense Of PerfectionHufflepuffs, Death Eaters, And the Likes.: Things Change.

4th December 2012:
Very interesting concept, and not a bad start.

First off, I believe it is LeStrange, not LaStrange. A common mistake, and obviously not something that detracts from the story.

Second off, a half-breed, is generally used in reference to someone like Hagrid or Professor Flitwick. Someone who is half magical creature, and half magical person. A mudblood, half-blood, or muckblood are generally used to degradingly refer to a person's blood status, be it muggle born or halfblood.

It seems you have taken creative license with the ages, but incase you didn't know Lucius, Bellatrix, Andromeda, Narcissa, etc. are not in school with the Marauders, save for Narcissa in her seventh year when they begin their first(I believe).

The last paragraph, when Joslyn talks about how she knows her year will be different, you typed "sick" instead of "stick."

I think for this being a first chapter, the relationship between Joslyn and Evan seems a bit rushed. We learn about her family and school life a little bit, but it doesn't seem that we as the reader get a true sense of who she really is, or more importantly, why she lets people walk all over her and degrade her. I think her character could've been delved into a little bit deeper in the first chapter, and possibly her meeting Evan pushed to the second or third as far as the pacing of the plot goes, but hey, it's your story, and that's just my opinion.

A beta reader can often help with things like this..spelling, grammer, syntax, and offer helpful suggestions to improve the story as far as pacing, plot, and character developement. The Harry Potter lexicon or wikia are also very helpful as far as character names, dates, spells, locations, etc. As we can't post links, if your type either of those into a search engine they should pop up. I myself prefer the wiki as it has an easier search engine, but the lexicon is more comprehensive and has more material.

Regardless, I think you have the makings of a brilliant fan fiction here, and I can't wait to see what you have in store for us!

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Review #5, by Pretense Of PerfectionBella Rosa: Chapter 19: The Tattoo

4th December 2012:
I'm so glad you updated, I've been having some serious Bella withdrawls lately. Please don't leave us in suspense for too long!

I hope we find out who the two men were that see Bella in later chapters. They obviously must be involved with Voldemort to know so much about him and what Bella might be doing.

Poor Gabe, he has no idea what he's getting himself into. I only hope Bella doesn't end up getting him killed.

Author's Response: I'm so delighted you reviewed. I finally have my desk top back so I can respond to reviews. I was working on an iPad and for some reason it wouldn't let me respond. I'm glad you let me know that you were having some Bella withdrawls. Sometimes I don't write because I figure no on cares, although I will finish the story:D It's too important to me to tell about Bella's past. She didn't have a good life and the sad thing is I don't think it was her fault how things turned out. She was manipulated just as she manipulated others. But let's focus on her during her happy times. Gabe really doesn't know what he's getting into. I hope his spirituality and strength will get him through and not in too much of a psychological mess. I hope Bella doesn't get him killed either. I don't think she'd do that on purpose but she associates with some really horrible people. I have a closeness to Gabe. He's modeled after my real life son. I think those two wizards taking pictures were in the lower ranks of Voldemort's army and we may never see them again. Thanks for reading and reviewing and look forward to at least two new chapters when the site opens up again and I can get them validated and posted.

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Review #6, by Pretense Of PerfectionOf Angels and Demons: Chapter 3

4th December 2012:
Yayyy, an update! I'm so happy right now. Please update again soon :)

Oh boy, Caitlyn and her ideas...I can only imagine what the governor, who if I remember correctly is also possessed will think of this one, and do to try and thwart their plan. I think Gerard Butler is perfect for the role of Alex, as I can just see him being all secretly evil.

I'm not sure if I've said this before either, but I love the idea of the cast list. I just might have to steal it. Of course credit will be given, since it's your idea, but I do simply love it. This covers two important readers a face to the character they're reading about, and it takes away the pressure of the writer to have to include a detailed description of every single person, something that I find is always hard to work into the story correctly and at the appropriate point. Kudos to you!

The only downside is that the chapter is so short. I know it's difficult to figure out where to leave off, but it leaves me wanting more so badly.

Author's Response: Hehe, glad that you enjoyed it.

Yup, he's possessed and yes he will try to thwart their plans without giving himself away. Hehehe, and that's why I picked him.

I'm glad you like it, but it's not my idea. I got the idea from a friend of mine, and I believe I credited her in the first chapter of the previous story for it.

Yeah, I know it's short but it was the natural place for it to end. Thanks for reviewing!

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Review #7, by Pretense Of PerfectionFragile Things : Ch. 21 - James Was Right

4th December 2012:
Yayyy, finally an update!! Another good chapter, I can't wait to see what's in store for Sirius and Elaina, please don't leave us in suspense for too long!

Poor Elaina and Sirius, being subjected to James' torture out on the quidditch pitch, and on his birthday nontheless.

I did think it slightly odd that it was inferred that Sirius thought Elaina to be doing something shady with Bella, Regulus, and Crouch Jr. He had obviously come in after their initial discovery of her presence, but he must've witnessed her hexing one of them at some point, especially since two of them were unconcious.

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Review #8, by Pretense Of PerfectionBeneath a Clear Blue Sky: Chapter 11

1st December 2012:
I'm not sure if it's important somehow, or relevant later on, but almost every time an article of clothing Althea is described wearing, it's the color of lilac.

I always hated Jane.

Author's Response: Lilac (purple actually) is Althea's favorite color.

Jane is vile.

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Review #9, by Pretense Of PerfectionShown Like the Sun: Chapter Twenty-Three

1st December 2012:
I have to admit, I totally knew that Gran disliked Sirius so much because of something thathad happened to her when she was younger, most likely involving a Black. i'm so lgad the truth finally came out!! My only issue is that I feel the backstory was sort of vague...Sirius talks about his grandfather being completely heartlesss, and Althea's grandmother disputes this, but nothing she told us really sinks our teeth into the story. I didn't necessarily understand how he wasn't hearless..he didn't meet her when he was supposed to, and the momeny she might find happiness with another man somewhere else he shows up and gets her pregnant. I think you could've delved into their time together, both in Egypt and after Hogwarts a little more. Having read the story though, I wouldn't be surprised if more was included in later chapters, and if it isn't I totally think you should consider putting it in!!

Another excellent story though. Again, I see tremendous talent and skill in the way you weave everything together, and at the moment, nothing really solid comes to mind as far as criticisms goes, which again, is incredibly rare for me.

Perhaps I missed it, but the title doesn't necessarily seem to fit with the story..I know in Ebb and Flow the waters in Bermuda were often referenced as ebbing and flowing, as were her feelings, but I feel like this title doesn't necessarily do the second installment any justice. Perhaps I missed something though.

Author's Response: Thank you! Thank you so much for taking the time to leave your thoughts. I've really enjoyed reading all of them. I hope I've responded adequately.

Yes, there was still some vagueness about Gran's revelation. Gran had spent seventy years protecting herself and her interests. Good girls from respectable families just didn't do what she did--Magic or Muggle. There is much she still won't admit to, I'm afraid. She would definitely never admit to any moral weakness. Ah, but if only we could've heard what was said between Sirius and Gran. You'll learn more about this in the next story. Although, to tell it fully, it would take Gran, a Pensieve, and a thousand more pages.

That is an interesting take on the Ebb and Flow title. I titled it that way because the story would go back and forth in time, culminating in the present. Shown Like the Sun is a pun on the lyric, "Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun," from Shine on You Crazy Diamond by Pink Floyd. Light was a motif in this story as well. All revelations occurred in the light.

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Review #10, by Pretense Of PerfectionShown Like the Sun: Chapter Twelve

30th November 2012:
I wasn't sure I would like the sequel, but it's truly just as remarkable as the first. I love how some of the things we are left wondering about from the first installment are answered here. I'm being completely honest when I saw Althea is a completely believable character. Hearing about all of the things she's gone through without reading the entire story one might think it was too much, but everything is so realistic and tied together nicely.

I honestly don't have a single bad word to say about this story, and I'm surprised it hasn't won any awards or recognition. This hardly ever comes out of my mouth, but this is truly remarkable story telling at its best.

Author's Response: Thank you!

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Review #11, by Pretense Of PerfectionEbb and Flow : Carpathian Mountains, Late January 1982

29th November 2012:
This truly is a captivating story. I've always wondered about Voldemort's other allies during both the wars, and you have created a truly plausible option for us readers to think of.

Poor Althea! No wonder she goes crazy. So much has happened to her, it makes my heart break!

Author's Response: Thank you. Voldemort's obsession with power would have led him to investigate all sorts of "mythical" beings, I think. It was very fun to write.

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Review #12, by Pretense Of PerfectionEbb and Flow : Hogwarts, January 1976

27th November 2012:
I remember seeing this story a while back and never really bothered to read it. I'm glad I got bored and decided to stop by and give it a chance.

I like the originality of Althea's relationship with Remus, and obviously I suspect she will end up with Sirius at some point. I have a fanfic of my own in which something similar happens, but it's a different Marauder, and I love reading other's ideas and views while writing my own.

Can't wait to read the rest!

Author's Response: Thank you!

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Review #13, by Pretense Of PerfectionOf Angels and Demons: Chapter 2

27th November 2012:
Ah, I'm so happy you began writing this, please please please update soon!!

I love how God came to Dean in the form of Caitlyn Davis(a little foreshadowing to a blossoming romance?), and made him think to call them. I simply can't wait to find out what Caitlyn's brilliant idea is, please don't leave us waiting too much longer!

I'm also super pumped to find out what has happened with the Davis siblings over the past two years. -Fingers crossed for a new chappie-

Author's Response: Aw, I'm glad you're liking it! And as always, I update as soon as I can.

Hmmm, you never know. ;) Her idea will be found out in the next chapter.

Glad you're pumped! Thanks for reviewing!

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Review #14, by Pretense Of PerfectionOf Demons and Dark Lords: Chapter 18

27th November 2012:
After completely re-reading this story in anticipation of catching up with the sequel, I really must commend you. The OC's are well thought out and executed perfectly. I've become -almost- as attached to them as I am to Sam, Dean, and Bobby.

As a writer you truly did manage to blend the two worlds together in a way that suited both of them. Dean's characterization was so spot on and accurate, that a few times I forgot I was reading a fan fiction, on an HP site non the less. Sam was awesome too, but Dean has always been my favorite. Speaking of "awesome," don't forget in the sequel that it is one of Dean's most commonly used words!

I did notice a few spelling errors/typos etc, but they were few and far between. You seem to have a wonderful beta, and I truly cannot wait to catch up with the sequel.

Author's Response: Aww, thanks you! And I'm glad that you've become attached to them.

Yeah, that blending took a couple months of planning, so I'm glad that it worked. Hehe, yeah I think I'm more of a Dean girl myself. Of course he's gonna use it! It's Dean after all. :P

Yeah, some of the chapters have not been beta'd yet. Hopefully they will be soon. :) Thanks for reviewing!

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Review #15, by Pretense Of PerfectionBlack Orchid: Family Secrets

27th November 2012:
Excellent sequel so far, please update soon!!

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Review #16, by Pretense Of PerfectionWildflowers: Absence of Light

26th November 2012:
I'm going through and re-reading all of my old favorites, and I must say, I thoroughly enjoy this story just as much as I did the first time. You are a wonderful writer, and I hope that you continue to entertain us with your skills.

You must have a few wonderful betas up your sleeve, but this time around I have noticed a few random typos and grammatical errors, as well as a switched tense of two. Nothing specific comes to mind, and it's obviously nothing that is super huge.

I remember when reading this the first time that I was slightly confused about the altercation between Elsa and Dumbledore with the Death Eaters. I can't specifically place my finger on what is confusing about it, and if I remember correctly it gets clarified in later chapters, but I just thought I'd point that out.

Still loving it!!

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Review #17, by Pretense Of PerfectionCharmed : In which they are reunited

25th November 2012:
“Wait, Em, Em, what did you say?” I cry, chasing after her. But she refuses to say anything until she has trapped myself, Lily, Evie and Em in a compartment and locked the door. There’s barely time for us to hug each other before her speech begins.

Did you mean to write Leah where you put Em the third time? Because otherwise, the sentence doesn't necessarily make sense..

Anyways, I must admit that after reading the past few chapters, and my incredibly long-winded review(sometimes I just love seeing myself type..or reading my own words...or whatever? You get the point I'm sure) that I was one hundred percent correct about your writing abilities. This chapter is everything I have been expecting from the quality of what I see you capable of. While I imagine teenage girls would have more to say about their summers, not to mention it's improbable a sixteen year old girl would lose her virginity and be able to wait to tell her friends, I think that we found out so much more about a few of the characters, mainly Andy...

I adore her bucket list. I see now how Stephen sort of ties into things(although I must reiterate my previous review, I think it could've been done in one long prologue chapter, or several more detailed chapters about Andy as a character, along with her friends and her relationship with Stephen) and I can't wait to see what else is on Andy's bucket list. I think this chapter would have been the perfect place to give us a glimpse inside of her life outside Hogwarts a bit more, although we do find out she has a younger sister. I could have missed it, but I'm not sure we as the readers know her blood status, which is certainly crucial during the war.

I really enjoyed getting to know Sirius through Andy's eyes as well. I like how she notices how different he looks and acts, as well as the rough edge to him that she noticed wasn't there previously. I personally contradict your point in thinking James would be oblivious to it, as he is closer to anyone else than Sirius, and the two live together. Remus and Peter I can see being in the dark..but from what we know from canon I'd say it's sort of unlikely. But hey, this is your story to tell, and I love seeing the different relationship dynamics people come up with to elaborate on things of which we can only guess.

I did notice a few spelling and grammar errors, but nothing too major, and definately worth overlooking to get to know Andy as a character a little better.

Lastly, I'd like to commend your general awesome use of brit-lingo. I'm hazarding a guess saying you are from the country? As an American it is one of the things I personally struggle with, and I'm green with envy :)

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Review #18, by Pretense Of PerfectionCharmed : In which decisions are not made

25th November 2012:
I must commend you on your writing skills is very evident based on the past few chapters I've read that you have loads of talent and potential.

With that being said, it could maybe just be me, but I find myself being incredibly confused, and having to re-read things more often than necessary. I understand as of this chapter(although it wasn't necessarily clear in previous ones) that you're sort of just offering a brief glimpse of their fifth year before moving on to sixth I'd assume, but I feel that in the process of trying to to be brief yet informative, you may have slightly missed the mark. The OCs provide a tremendous amount of confusion for me. I can't seem to keep Em and Evie straight. Furthermore, the excessive use of everyone using different nicknames, then last names, then another nickname, and then a given name certainly doesn't help the situation. Like I said, it could just be me being daft, but I'd try sticking with using only one or two names for each character until they all have distinctly established identities to your readers.

I find it slightly strange that Remus and Andy have never been introduced to one another, despite the fact that they are in the same house and year, and would subsequently share all of the same classes. It also seems that the Marauders sit beside them during meals, and that they have a fair bit of interaction, so it just seems..unrealisitc perhaps? I daresay as well that even if they had a conversation or two here or there, it's sort of odd that they would have a conversation as personal as Andy's love life and whether or not she should break up with her boyfriend. Andy seems to have had pretty much the same conversation with her little clique of friends, and then again with Mary, and then again with Remus, so unless it has some crucial point later on in the story, you could certainly stand to lose one of the repetitive conversations.

I think mainly the issues I've encountered reading the story all come back to one isse; pacing. It's sort of...quick, for lack of a better term. We start off meeting three or four OCs in the first chapter, yet learn very little about them aside from their names and that they are all friendly toward one another and Lily. I'd like to learn more about them..see them fluffed and jazzed up a bit, and really get a feel for each one of them as individuals with seperate identities. Being completely honest, if any given one of the OCs introduced so far were to have something horrible to happen to them, it probably wouldn't have much of an effect on me as the reader. Again, I understand that you are trying to sort of just provide an overview of their fifth year, but I firmly believe that slightly longer chapters, or even a rather long prologue condensing the past few chapters would solve every single one of my criticisms, which again, I think are all tied in to the pacing of the story, and then you could really begin to dig into the heart and soul of the story, and fully develope each of your characters. We know virtually nothing about Andy, Evie, Em, Stephen, Mary or Leah. Aside from Mary, who despite her brief appearance, made more of an impact on me tham anyone else(mainly because of the little backstory about her cat), I feel as though any one of the others could be sort of interchangable. We know virtually nothing about their families, life, morals, values, beliefs, or anything of substance aside from their general views on school, classes, and the Marauders. Perhaps dig a little deeper into one or two of the conversations the girls have before going to sleep? I know us girls love to talk about boys, but I'm sure these five girls have more going on in their lives than Stephen, James, and I honestly can't even remember the name of either Evie or Em's current boy toy...

Anyways, I really don't mean to be harsh, and I'm sorry if it comes across that way at all. I fully plan to continue with this story, as anyone with eyes can tell you have incredible talent, and the imagery you create has a sort of raw power to it. I know tying everything in together can be difficult, especially rounding out good OCs, but I feel that you are literally almost 90% of the way to having a truly epic story. I've noticed virtually no spelling, grammar, syntax, or punctuation errors, and I can tell that you as the author(who I'm sure knows each charrie inside and out), truly care for the story you are telling. Again, sorry if I seem harsh..I'm sort of known for my brutally honest and unsolicited reviews, but I love reading and watching authors grow and learn with their passions. Can't wait to read what's in store for the next few chapters.

Oh, and it's completely adorable how you give your readers a little tease of what's coming up in the next chapter, I love it :)

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Review #19, by Pretense Of PerfectionCharmed : In which the force is disturbed

24th November 2012:
Just started reading this, and I think it's a very promising start. I'll be keeping up, and I leave horribly lengthy reviews as a rule. Fair warning :)

The very beginning sort of confused me a little bit..I'm not sure if it was two of the characters names being so similar(Evie and Em), or what, but I found myself re-reading this first bit over again to really understand what was going on.

Secondly, have you read the Georgia Nicholson books? The jammy dodgers reminded me of her writing, and I'm just curious.

I think Lily's character is pretty much spot on..I love how she seems to loathe James, although we obviously all know differently. I still haven't really gotten a "feel" for any of the other characters yet, especially your MC. I feel like the chapter could have been a bit longer, or perhaps contained some sort of insight into who she is or what she's all about. I look forward to seeing you develop her more as the story goes on, but I have to be honest and say as of now I just feel sort of -meh- about her. Her name gave me cause to worry at first this is eventually a Sirius/OC ship, and she seems to be the main character, when I realized her name was Andy, I hoped against hope that you weren't writing about Andromeda Black. We all know they're cousins, although back in the day I did see someone write a fic about the two of them..hopefully not knowing that little fact, and aside from the fact that if you stick to canon they wouldn't have been in school together during his fifth year.

Anyways, I'm starting to ramble. I'll be reading through the rest of the chapters tonight, and I must admit I'm excited. Overall, your writing is incredible, I love all of the adjectives, and the "little things" that really make a story a good read.

Keep up the good work!!

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Review #20, by Pretense Of PerfectionPoison Ivy: If you can't remember it, it didn't happen

24th November 2012:
I know it's been quite a while since I've been around, but I'm back, and thought I'd catch up with your story (:

After re-reading some of the older chapters, and then ending with this one, I can definately say that your writing has vastly improved. And I love this story!!

I'm not sure if it's just me, but I find that in the dialouge when you begin with the dash mark
- "_"
it sort of messes up the flow for me reading things. It's not super distracting, but I think you could do without that.

I rather love how Sirius and Naomi's relationship has progressed. I daresau I wasn't sure at first how I felt about her and James, but after reading this chapter, I'm a fan! I like how torn up they both seem to feel for betraying Lily and Sirius, even though Naomi is in denial about it. The sheer fact that she felt badly for James' guilt shows her depth as a character, as well as her change and growth. Her erasing his memory was truly a "nice girl" act, despite the fact that there wouldn't have been need for it if she wasn't such an ice queen.

I really, truly do love where this is going. I think I've said it before, and I'll say it again, but sometimes it does seem that Naomi is a little too perfect...Sure, she is an ice queen, vicious, and unable to anazlyze her own emotions and feelings, vehemently denying that she has any. In the emotional/mental aspect, I think she is spot on in character. Howeer, it seems to me like she has virtually no physical flaws. We all know she is beautiful and sexy, and can have any guy she wants. She is also smart, talented with a wand, and incredibly quick witted. She has money and dresses fashionably, and always manages to look amazing while doing everything. While her character is incredibly well developed, I would like to see her with some inherent physical "disability." I know part of her persona is to not do anything she isn't the best at, but often in life we can't avoid doing certain things, just because we don't want to. Even her tripping and stumbling over some equiptment after hearing what Sirius said about her would bring some much needed character rounding to her.

On the otherhand, that's really the only negative that comes to mind after catching up to the most recent chapters. I still love Naomi very much, and can't wait for an update!!

Author's Response: Oooh thank you so much for the review. It really makes my day!!
I am working very hard to try to improve my writing, I am so glad you think it is getting better =)

Aaah Naomi... what can I say? Yes, there are things she isn't good at but she is not about to show you easily! We will see some, because no one is perfect and I know it very well. I admit maybe I should have introduced a flaw or two before, but I thought it more important to show the emotional rather than the physical flaws. I do think there is some in the next chapter, or maybe in two.

I hope you keep enjoying and reading and reviewing! Thank you so much again!
Lots of love,

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Review #21, by Pretense Of PerfectionThe Letter: Realizing

24th November 2012:
So after reading all of the chapters to the companion piece of this, everything finally made sense, and I'm here to finally review, since I have a love of it.

First off, I like that you included Peter, since I see some authors often don't. We do all have our own opinions, but I must say I don't really like how he is portrayed. Him and the other three Marauders were incredibly close, which is why he was chosen to be the Potter's secret keeper, and well, we all know how that ended. But him betraying them held a huge significance, because they were so close. I can see here, if this is how he was really treated by them, I would have a little more sympathy to his character for doing what he did years down the road. With friends like that..who needs enemies? I'm not saying I didn't like it, and it's probably not the way I personally would have gone, but it definately makes for something new and interesting to think about in terms of why he became a death eater and did what he did.

I like the letter Sirius wrote to Neinna. I think once he got through the first bit and eventually opened up, he began to realize things and feelings he had been denying for her all along. I think the angst and drama of writing the letter should have spanned over a longer period..perhaps a couple of days, or even a week or two(what I gather is she's gone for quite a bit). His sudden epiphany of feelings seemed a little rushed. After all, he had pretty much been denying his feelings since at least their fifth year, and I understand her being gone impacted him tremendously, although he didn't see it at first. Being who he is, I can't see him just opening up like that all at once. Guys, especially teenagers, tend to shy away from their feelings.

I'm also not sure he would have let all of his friends read the letter, essentially opening up to all of them. It could just be how I see the dynamics of the Marauders, but I always thought of James and Sirius to be the closest, and the two of them probably having a little heart to heart while Sirius sorted through his emotional baggage before opening up to the other two. Again, I don't think anything is wrong with it, it's just a different viewpoint of their relationships, and quite an enjoyable one too.

I'm not sure if any other reviewers commented on this, and perhaps it's just because I actually read the companion piece first, but I knew Sirius was going to find some way around not sending the letter. I didn't expect him to rip it up and throw it to the winds, and I love the symbolism in his actions and how it represents their relationship, that bit really threw me for a loop and I was pleasantly surprised!

Overall, you're writing is pretty good. I didn't notice very many, if at all grammar, punctuation, typos, etc. I think with a bit of editing and perhaps a few more words to bulk up the piece, it could be one of the better Sirius/OCS out their :)

That being said, please update Crash and Burn soon, I can't wait to see what happens! When I'm not feeling so lazy I'll review a couple of chapters from it, since it was quite an enjoyable ready!

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Review #22, by Pretense Of PerfectionThe Queen Is Giving In: Too Perfect

22nd November 2012:
I think the concept of your plot is quite entertaining, and with some more in depth thought and execution this could turn out to be a completely brilliant story.

That being said, I feel as though Dumbledore is slightly out of character. He's a tough one, in which mainly what we've seen and heard from him he's been around Harry, whom he's quite fond of, but given his advanced age and position in the school, and for lack of a better word, I feel he sort of lacked any tact or real emotion when relaying the events to Dorcas.

Some of the writing is a little difficult to's a bit choppy and could use more transition into certain sequences to make things flow more smoothly.

And it could just be me, but on occasion when reading the larger pieces of dialouge between multiple characters, I get confused about who is doing or saying what. Specifically what comes to mind is Dorcas' run in with Bella, when Bella curses at her, and then Dorcas wants her to apologize, and Bella pulls out her prefect badge etc. etc. I had to re-read it to gather that it was Bella pulling out the badge, and Dorcas wanting a apology.

But overall, as I said before, this shows a lot of promise. Beta readers work wonders, I try to never publish a chapter without one or two others' perspectives and editings first, as they can provide invaluable insight :)

I did also notice, I believe in the previous chapter, Nick calling her the virginal doe, but later on during an inner monolouge about Sirius, she states that they shagged one night in the broom closet. If they snogged and it was a typo, then it would make sense. But if it wasn't a typo, she certainly wouldn't be the virginal doe.

I absolutely love the length of this chapter. I think it works perfectly for the events you have going on, and leaves off in the perfect place. The timing and pacing of the events couldn't be better! It gives the readers just enough to keep them interested, and has just enough individuality to not be a typical Sirius/OC. Keep up the awesome work, I look forward to reading more!

Author's Response: That is what I meant, the virginal doe. I meant tosay snog, but I have to wait for the next chapter to be validated until I can update that. I should use a beta, but I'm considering dropping this again, because I don't have a ton of time on my hands to dedicate this to. I would hate to disappoint anyone with not updating.
If you would be interested in betaing this for me, I would be happy. considering you picked up on one of the smaller details, I am assuming you'd do a nice job.
Thank you again for your review.

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Review #23, by Pretense Of PerfectionThe Queen Is Giving In: Prologue

22nd November 2012:
This first chapter holds promise, although I must say it's a little short. Keep an eye on your tenses as well, I especially noticed in the first few paragraphs while you're introducing the main character's friends that the tenses were switched, even in the same sentence. Not too bad overall thought!!

Author's Response: Thank you!
I try to work on that and I think I might go back after i have most of story done and rewrite.
thanks for reviewing

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Review #24, by Pretense Of PerfectionWildflowers: You're Not Alone

23rd December 2011:
This is an incredibly powerful and emotional chapter, and it is very well executed. I have to applaud you for this.

I honestly think Elsa's thoughts of turning to the Dark Arts do reflect her differences from her family, just as much as it reflects her differences from her friends. I think even with a non-pureblood/Death Eater family and a different upbringing, it's only logical for her to think of looking to dark magic for the answer to her father's death. In all honesy, who in this world that has lost someone hasn't thought about the "what if there was a way to bring them back..." Being in the world of magic I can imagine the desire would be that much stronger, because you see magical things happen everyday, so who's to say that at some point in history someone wasn't brought back from the dead? I'm sure in Sirius' darker moments he thought of ways to try and bring James and Lily back, just like any normal person would.

Anyways, I'm ranting. Again, I commend you for the powerful and stirring emotions this chapter evokes, I think you executed Evander's death brilliantly. Elsa's pain and emotions are so raw and real, that the reader themselves feels some of them. Your use of similies and hyperboles is amazing as well, and really makes your work stand out.

I do just have one things I want to comment on, which you probably already know, is that since the room of requirement wasn't on the Marauder's Map, the Marauders probably didn't know about it. Obviously some instances require poetic license, but I just thought I'd point that out in case you weren't aware!

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Review #25, by Pretense Of PerfectionWildflowers: How to Ruin Christmas

19th December 2011:
Ahhh, Sirius finally made his move. And we get to see the darker side of Damon that I was beginning to wonder if it was actually there or not. Pivotal chapter, and very well executed.

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