I'm here with your Reviews :)
Okay, first thing first is believability. It's a good twist, a like the thought of a wizarding child being able to do that little bit extra. In that sense, it's believable, if wizards can speak Parseltongue or Metamorphmagus, why can't they see the dead that didn't come back as ghosts that roamed Hogwarts and houses they were connected too? I have a few things that you might want to consider in order to make it more believable. One thing, why five? What is the importance of that? Most gifts that aren't from birth usually present themselves around puberty, it's the change that causes them. In my opinion that might have been a better time, a five year old wouldn't really be able to keep such a thing a secret, no matter how hard they tried. It's a thing as a child, especially one so young, they like to brag and gain respect from their friends, secrets can get forgotten when it comes to that. Another reason I'm not sure about the age is because what sort of Grandmother would tell her grandchild about the dead when they couldn't really understand the importance of the gift? It's a great burden to lay on a five year old. Most grandparents would try to avoid the conversation as much as possible. Otherwise the rest is rather believable and could lead to a really good story. Especially with the medium side of things going on.
Right now onto the flow, overall it's really good, the parts of the story you have going on really bring depth to story and I always find it good to start off a story with a small explanation of what exactly is happening in the Main Characters life, stating from the start that she is a medium of sorts is really good and it draws you in. It helps to make sure the rest of the story is interesting and will lead to a good plot and theme. One thing I would watch out for is the chapter being disjointed. The way it's set out does bring an understanding about the main character but it also makes the story a bit confusing. From what I can tell, it's because it takes a little to realise that it has changed times. You have to read the first sentence of the next scene in order to understand the change and that can disrupted the flow. A lot of authors use ** or ~ in order to separate times, this way the reader knows that the next scene is either set before or after the one that played out before it.
Your characters are rather good for the start of the story, already your main character, Ellie, has a lot of depth to her. It's already clear from the first chapter that although Chris and Ellie are twins they have a lot of things that are different, and yet the same. It's nice to see that aspect of a brother/sister relationship, especially one between twins. I hope that continues throughout your story. You also have a good start with Albus and Rose as Chris and Ellie's best friend but I believe that you should give them a bit more depth in the common chapters in order for your readers to relate to them more, it's important that the people that read your story can connect with not just the main characters but the minor or reoccurring ones as well. I know I have a habit of skipping large chunks of story if the character they relate about isn't someone with a realistic personality, i find it hard to read. Another thing you should watch out for is cliche, you have a new twist on it, with the medium side of things but you will need to watch to make sure that the relationship between Albus and Ellie. There are a lot of Hate/Hate turn Love/Hate to Love stories on the archives and you need to try to at least make your story different to the rest.
There was only one part that I really had a problem reading and that was basically the first five lines. Something about them doesn't seem right, like it's disjointed and slightly jumpy. I think it might have something to do with the way it's structured, you start with Ellie's voice talking about it, but instead of actually going straight into the ghost part you try to make it a bit more amusing, like she's talking to the reader. This can be good through out the chapter and such but I'm not sure it's perfect start for a story, it sort of pulls away from the important fact that she can see ghosts, making it seem a little less important then it actually is.
Overall, it's good start to the story and I am sure it will just get better as you continue to write it. :)
I'm sorry it's so long. I have a habit of talking too much.
~ stephAuthor's Response: OMG. This is so long. I love it so much. Like, you have no idea.
You raise quite a few good points, actually. There is sort of a reason why I chose five as an age, and the thing about grandparents makes sense, but that's something that I want to underscore about the ghosts - they can be super weird. More shall be revealed! However, I like to think that Ellie's been able to keep this secret for such a long time actually reveals something about her, but I can see where you're coming from with five year olds not being able to keep their mouths shut, especially about secrets! Hmm... I shall have to see how to work with this...
I know the flow could do with a bit of work, so your suggestions are much appreciated! I shall endeavour to see about those annoying sentences and try and make the time jumps a little smoother.
My biggest fear really is that I'll neglect my minor characters - something which I have already done in another story! Thanks for the tip! You're right in saying that minor and recurring characters also need to be liked, otherwise the story can seem very one-dimensional and a little vain. The romance is cliche, I know, but I do love a good cliche! However, I really don't want this to be about the romance, so I'll try to make sure that the cliche remains as toned down as possible.
Thanks for the wonderful review! You were quite helpful (I haven't received many reviews critquing this story, so this was really nice)! Report Review
More Lily and her friends moments, I found it funny of Lily hit Anna after her remark about Lily fancying her brother, it is a nice show of the fiery side of Lily's personality that was mentioned a few times in Harry Potter series when adults mentioned Lily while reminiscing. I also like that she vanished Anna's head, that made me laugh and Anna's remark about it was amusing as well. I also laughed at the professor's way of punishing Sirius for his antics; it was rather amusing to see him jinx Sirius instead of giving him a detention.
Anna and Dess' relationship is interesting too, I wonder if it's a family love hate relationship, where no matter how much they say they hate each other they actually love each other, or whether they actually do hate each other.
It's also good that you started to bring in the events that are happening outside Hogwarts, the start of the events that bring around the first war. It's basically the start of Hogwarts not being safe anymore and I'm glad that you brought it in near the start, just going to show that their year didn't start out as a happy year at Hogwarts that most other stories have.
And Snape has his first appearance, I'm happy about that, I always like seeing Snape as he was in Hogwarts, not just the older man he is later in life. I always like seeing the way he tries to apologies for his stunt in 5th year and how he loves her and just wants to protect her, I always liked seeing that.
And a civil conversation with James, I sort of like it, and them holding hands! Even if it wasn't in a romantic way. It's unusual to see Lily not yell at James for holding her hand, but I think I prefer it over the other way, constant fighting gets boring, playful banter and civil conversation is much more interesting. I also liked that Lily knew about James's invisibility cloak and his response to it, calling her 'bighead' for it.
I almost forgot about Remus's wolfy problem and that the Marauders always went with him. It will be really interesting if there is a auror patrolling when they are out, it will make for good drama. :)
Again there were no flow issues and I didn't notice any gramma ones either. I really liked this chapter and the Slug Club. It was really good. :)
More reviews will be on there way shortly, just as soon as I get RL under control :) Again, Happy 2nd Anniversary! Report Review
The fact that Lily isn't exactly overjoyed about being Head Girl is really good, I never thought of the Head positions being just a badly looked upon position, it's not something you would expect, when adults in the Harry Potter series talked of Head Boy and Girl it was with admiration and always saying they are proud if their child gets it. You never think that it actually might be some burden and people will hate you for it.
I like that Lily is sort of playing with James, the way she playfully hits him when he made a joke instead of yell at him. I also think the fact that she helps him with his head boy jobs is nice, even if she does lay all the club tasks on him, probably to get back at him for something. It that was really amusing actually, watching as James whined and Lily stood tall as she made him do all the club applications and she went off to work on her school work.
I also liked that you brought Anna and Mary into it again, even if it was for a little bit at least there was a little insight into her relationships with her friends and her personality.
There wasn't any issues of with flow or any gramma issues that I could see in this chapter, it was really well written and I enjoyed reading it. I really good chapter and I look forward to reading more as I go through your 2 Anniversary gift reviews. :) Report Review
I really like how James is actually trying to do a good job at being Head Boy even though he has no idea what he is doing. It's rather amusing. I also like how James's parts aren't completely orientated around marauders and the little stunts they pull, it's always good to have some of that, but constantly having it can sort of get a bit dragging so I am glad that James's parts are refreshing and involve other aspects of his Hogwarts life.
I also like that Lily and James are being civil towards each other and that even with James' teasing Lily is still trying to refrain from yelling at him. It's good and I prefer it to the cliche. Also, the fact that the story is more orientated around James and Lily's time together instead of the ways that James tries to ask her out is really good as well.
Again the flow was good and nothing really disrupted it, which again is really good for a story that changing P.O.V a few times in a chapter. Most stories just a little when they change P.O.V but yours doesn't. Just a few gramma related things; '"For homework, please research the ingredients of Veritaserum, and provide detailed explanations of their origins and properties. I would like at least twelve inches inches, due by next class. You are dismissed."' You doubled up on inches here.
I really look forward to reading more although I do hope there is a bit more of Lily interacting with her friends, since we have seen more of James' then hers. Her friends seem interesting so I hope to see more of them. I also look forward to the Slug Club party cause they have always been very amusing parties. :) Report Review
This is a really good start; I like the way that you brought Lily and James's point of views into the story from the very beginning, it means that through out it, there will be bother sides and individual personalities portrayed and not just one side that imagines what they other is thinking.
I also really like the way you slotted in the hat's song, with it's usual warning which sort of links to everything that will happen later. And that from the start of Lily and James's seventh year they aren't completely bickering and actually trying to get along, it's really refreshing compared to all the other Lily/James stories on the archive.
There were a few spelling mistakes, mostly missed letters nothing too serious. But otherwise there weren't any issues with flow; even with the switch of P.O.V there wasn't any bumps in the flow of the chapter.
I really like this chapter; it's a great lead in to the rest of the story, with laying down James and Lily's relationship and the introduction of both of their friends. It leaves more room for plot in the rest of the chapters instead of introductions.
I look forward to reading more and finding out how Lily and James got together :) Report Review
I have always wondered what might have made Voldemort who he was, a cruel almost emotionless man that took pride in killing muggles and Muggleborns alike. And I have always wondered whether anything would have changed if his mother hadn't of died, would he be different? Not being completely shrouded in death and the misery living in an orphanage may bring. Maybe he wouldn't have tried to kill people, he may have had a grudge against muggles but maybe he wouldn't have wanted to kill them.
I really like this story, the way you have written it is really good and it works well with the song. The way you go from his childhood to his death was really good too, linking his fear of death to his actual death. It makes a good ending. And the way the lyrics link to each of the little sections of the story is really well done too.
I really enjoyed reading this, there was a line "He couldn't remember when something had taken root in him," What exactly is the something? I'm not sure if you meant that it was his desire for power that took root or fear/helplessness. But otherwise it was extremely well done.
Great job with your first song fic. It's really good :)Author's Response: Hi Steph! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing this story (as well as leaving some reviews for Once Defied).
I wonder a lot of those same things about Voldemort. Sometimes, I think we are supposed to understand that it was his upbringing without love that turned him evil, but then at other times, I wonder if being brought up by his mother would have made much of a difference. She did not seem like a confident woman who would have been able to be the mother that he needed to grow into a different sort of man--I suppose motherhood might have changed her, but the fact that she preferred to die than raise her son makes me think that it wouldn't have. So then I go back to thinking that he was sort of doomed no matter what. I think it's definitely true that he would have possessed some hatred of Muggles, even if his mother had lived.
Anyway, I'm getting all caught up in speculation now. But this is part of what motivated me to write this story! :)
I'm glad you felt I incorporated the lyrics well. I think song fics are really personal pieces, and often, I read ones written by other people and don't really get the connection between the song and the story. It makes me happy to hear that you could understand that connection in this song fic, at least to some extent. :)
You're right; that line seems really vague, now that I read it over again. What could I have been thinking?! Haha. I think I probably meant that he himself didn't even know what it was that had gotten into him and made him evil, but I didn't express that very well. Thanks for pointing that out!
Really appreciate the review! (And I apologize if I take a little bit of time in replying to the others.) Report Review
This is rather sad, I always wondered how Colin died, cause he wasn't in the final movie you never found out more then the fact that he didn't make it out. It's good to know though that even through his naivety he actually would have done some good in it all. Some of those pictures could have helped to ID death eaters after the war ended; it's a pity he never got to reach Harry like he hoped.
I also liked how he helped out Angelina and her group, how he helped on his way to find Harry and probably without him there would have been a few more people hurt of killed. It was nice to know that he helped a lot before he was killed.
You did a really good job of bringing Colin's part in the final battle to light. And it just makes you wonder how much each of them were able to pull off before they either where killed or the final battle finished, it just goes to show that kids can do just as well as adults if they have the right motivation and ideals.
I have always liked stories set in the final battle and this didn't disappoint. It was really well written and flowed beautifully, it didn't have any unnecessary bits and because it made me feel like I was actually there, it brought tears to my eyes when he found Fred and when Colin died. I do hope someone found his camera.
Very well done, I really love this one-shot. Report Review
I really enjoyed this, it's very medieval which is something I like, I really like medieval stories so I was glad that this was basically one of them. I also liked that it was a story about a ghost, from reading the summary it's not something I would have expected and I really liked it when I found out that it was in fact Sir Patrick, one the ghosts of the Headless Hunt.
The way that it was written, retelling a story was really good. I also like how he was beaten by a muggle, although the muggle wasn't exactly noble, neither one of them were. What type of noble person would kill a innocent horse just to prove a point? It just sort of reminds me that back in the medieval time, that some of the wizarding world wasn't hidden from the muggles, that dragons and unicorns and the like were still seen and believed to exist by them and wizarding world didn't make them forget.
I would really like to know how George killed all those dragons though. It was always said that it took a large amount of strong magic both dark and not to bring down a dragon or I am guessing the poison which Patrick used, which I have a feeling isn't something a muggle could readily get his/her hands on. So I wonder how he killed so many, did he cheat sort of like how Patrick did?
Also, I sort of felt sorry for Patrick, that a muggle had taken everything a way from him, and a dishonest one at that, no noble person would strike a man when they are disarmed.
This was really well written, how you brought present and past smoothly together without any break. It really gave insight into the life of a very old ghost and how it really does get boring.
Great job. It's definitely one of my favourites. Report Review
Another good chapter, it's really starting to get there, I am hoping that when you start writing more I will start to see more parts of the ship and some of the mysteries and the suspicious substances and cargo will be reveled? I still really want to know what illegal cargo the ship may be carrying.
There wasn't much interaction with the captain but I am guessing he will come back later. I am starting to wonder if he actually knows about anything that's going on or if it's his employees that are hiding things from him. Guess I will have to wait to find out.
I like the comparison you made with Hogwarts, it made me able to imagine the dinning room (muggle style with a Hogwarts candle touch). It made me feel like I was watching everything that Percy was doing and not just reading it.
I also look forward to learning more about the two people he shared the table with, who they are other then someone Percy had met through work and her son. I do hope you bring them in a bit more they seem like they would make a good addition to the story.
Again I really enjoyed this chapter, but I do hope it starts to move a bit quicker so that I can really get into the mystery part of it. :)
I will be looking out for more. Report Review
This doesn't disappoint, I still want to read more, I don't know what it is but the way you write this story just makes me want to read it until the very end and everything is sorted out and explained. I do enjoy a good mystery novel and this is definitely starting out as one.
It's a good introduction of the ship and some of the crew, I'm curious to know more about Mustafa, the way he talks is making it really hard for me to figure out where he is from. Is he from the UK? Or is he from somewhere else? I'm also really curious to meet the ships captain.
I also really like how there are basically two shipping yards in the one place, like the platform at King's Cross, I know I shouldn't be surprised but I sort of was. I also like how you used one of the shipping containers as the door, it's very creative and a good use of the object that are around the area. You could have just as easily used a warehouse wall or door that no one could ever seem to open but I prefer the shipping container.
I'm also curious to know how the ship works, like, does it go back to the muggle world after it sets sail? Come out of some invisible barrier somewhere out of the harbor or does it stay in the wizarding world the entire time.
This chapter is really intriguing and continues to make me want to read more. I got a bit confused around the part that Mustafa was talking, trying to figure out what he was saying but otherwise it was really well written.
Great Chapter, I look forward to reading the next :) Report Review
This is a really good start, it has me intrigued. Just from this chapter I can tell that anything could happen after this chapter and it really draws you in. The way you left the chapter open for more possibilities is good, and I really like the fact that it's basically like something that could happen in any business or large company only with a magical spin. The way you wrote this makes me what to read on, the fact that you made Percy and Hermione not actually say anything about the illegal goods that may have been on the ship means that my curiosity is pushing me to read the next chapter. Just so that maybe I can find out more.
I really like that this is a Percy story, there isn't much on him and I enjoy the fact that it's a guy in his department that is under questioning for involvement in illegal things. It's not something you would expect Percy to let happen. He always seemed to strict.
I also probably like that unlike most next gen sort of stories, Percy actually gets along with his family, that he isn't so stuck up to communicate in great lengths with people in his family as he may have seemed during his schooling and the first part of his Ministry career.
It's good that you introduced the suspicious character in the first chapter, a lot of mystery stories wait till much later to introduce them and to me it always seems too stretched out and has way to many overly pointless filler chapters. The way you have started it sort of lays everything out for the reader so they can start speculating from the start.
I don't see any problems, it's a really great start to a story and I look forward to reading the other chapters. :) Report Review
The Weasleys! How I love them and I love that you made a one-shot of what happened in the summer break between second and third year. He just as always, Ron is bored. I wonder if he will ever really put effort into learning. :) I really like this, it just reminds me so much of the Weasley family I have missed from JK Rowlings series. Ron's mum yelling at him, percy being fascinated by the history and Bill just well being Bill.
I like how even at the age of thirteen he thinks about Hermione when he is way, how she would like Egypt. It's sort of cute that even then she was on his mind then more then a friend. But he didn't realise it yet.
It was also nice the whole God thing, rather amusing that the statue winked and gave him a message that I am guessing is for the Deathly Hallows after he leaves them. But I could be wrong. That's just the feeling I got.
It's sort of sad that he doesn't believe that he can bring anything to the trio even then but I guess he is just slightly too thickheaded to really take in what he means to Harry and Hermione.
Again, I didn't see anything overly detrimental to the story. It was all really well written and drew me in.
Great job. I really enjoyed reading this. Report Review
I love AVPM and this story made me laugh. Voldemort and Quirrell's relationship was always one of my favourite parts of the musical and you did it justice. I love Voldemorts 'romantic side' his feelings about flames and his hints towards dancing. The fact that he giggles! And the clothes thing! I always remembered voldemorts thing for neatness, it always amused me that someone so well evil, could be nitpicky about folded clothes.
It was rather amusing to read Voldemort teaching Quirrell how to dance, how he actually used a square and made him dance around in it. Also how much enjoyment he got out of getting Quirrell to dance. It was very entertaining and drew me in. Just imagining Quirrell dancing by himself while voldemort talks to him from the otherside of his head. It's not something you would expect. Which is what I love about it.
I also love how Quirrell blushes when voldemort announces that he 'likes him'. It's like they were flirting and Quirrell is a hormonal teenager with a crush on someone he admires. It's great.
Again, I can't really pick any problems out of the story unless I went through it again with a fine-toothed comb and was being nitpicky.
This made me laugh quite a bit and I really enjoyed the humor that Voldemort and Quirrell's relationship brings. Report Review
You sure do leave it in suspense, I was so close to flicking through the story to find out exactly which loveable character had been poisoned. I sort of started to guess part of the way through, as Mrs. Longbottom (Hannah?) started to reminisce about how he would spend so much time in the garden with his plants, doting on them as if they were his own children and not parts of nature. Although I waited till the end to actually confirm that it was Neville.
It's a rather sad story, even if you never actually see what happened, I think it was because Mrs. Longbottom seemed so emotional about it, in her own way. The way she reminisced about her beloved Husband, how she regretted her agreement and now, knew she should look after her husbands plants cause that's what he would have wanted. She adored him, and I think that's what makes it sad. That she didn't have Neville anymore.
Some of the story dragged on a bit and felt a bit repetitive. I think it was more how she always went back to his love for the plants and staying out in the garden with them.
This is one of those stories I would happily read over and over. Even with the slight repetitiveness, I really enjoyed reading it. I do quite love his wife. :) Report Review
I do adore stories from a child's point of view. I think it's something about their innocence, that no matter what they will grow up into they are still so forgivable when young. I like Hepzibah, even though she doesn't protect the little cup as much as she should in the end. It's nice to see her as a little naive child, exclaiming about dress robes and the lovely trinkets that litter her Nana's living room.
I never really thought much about Hepzibah other then that she showed the cup to Tom and how silly it was for her to do so. You really put her in a new light, that even as an adult, she was childish, so ready to impress someone that she would release all her family's secrets to impress them. Also how she didn't seem to see the severity of showing the cup, like it was a harmless little thing that wouldn't do anything in the bigger picture, that it couldn't possibly get out. I am sure if Tom hadn't stolen it someone else would have after they found out where it was.
I really like your writing, this one-shot works really well in the 3rd person, although, there were some parts in the first part of the story (when Hepzibah was little) that were more sort of what an adult would say, not a child. But there was no other problems I could see. You did a really good job and I am glad I got a chance to read such a lovely story.
Great Job. Report Review
You're Second Anniversary Gifts have arrived! :)
I'm not used to reading Petunia stories so I don't have as much to go on. But I rather liked this. It sort of, in my opinion, links in to the reaction that Petunia has at the beginning of Deathly Hallows, the love that she actually has for Harry and Lily even though she never showed it. It's a nice tie in.
I also liked being able so see it from Petunia's view, her worry about Voldemort and what will happen once the protection enchantments are broken. Also the insight into her love and jealousy towards Lily, how she misses her, always did and how she regrets everything she did before Lily's passing.
There were a few sentences that Vernom said, here and there that I had to read over twice to actually understand exactly what was being said, but otherwise I didn't see anything that disrupted the flow of the one-shot.
I really enjoyed reading this, it's made me want to read more Petunia stories from Hogwarts Era, just to know what it was like for her and her family while Harry was running around trying to defeat Voldemort.
Lovely story and great tie in :) Report Review
I really like this, it's a different depiction of Lily and James, how they came together and the torment that plagues their lives. I really like how James covers Lily protectively as she sleeps, but it also shows that even he can't protect her from everything as she dreams of their parents deaths and his as well.
Like no matter how hard you might try to protect someone there is always something that is going to get in to destroy the happiness you have worked so hard to keep.
I also like the different way that James and Lily came together, usually you hear about James pursuing Lily until she finally gives in for some unknown reason in 7th year. Here you actually give a reason and I like it, it makes sense and is believable.
One thing I would work on is maybe how well the sentences flow into each other, some of them are a bit jagged and stiff but it doesn't affect the story overall.
I would also like to suggest a little technical thing, maybe less spaces between the paragraphs, it makes it hard to read the story from one paragraph to another. Try using the simple editor if you are having problems with spacing.
Otherwise lovely one-shot. I really enjoyed reading it. Keep up the good work. :)Author's Response: Thanks! I really loved writing this and I always thought that it should be more than just peer presure that got Lily to give into James :)
I'll look back and fix the sentences, spacing ect. Thanks so much for the feedback and the review!
~Elle Report Review
This is a really good start, it captures your attention and makes you want to read more, I sort of like how it starts of in filch's office, but personally I think the shackles were a bit much? Maybe, cause I really don't think something like that would be allowed if being hung from a wall or something like that isn't. But that's just me, I also noticed that you didn't meant what house the girl was in, which makes me super curious (if you did I am sorry, I am just blind).
One thing I truely love, is probably how bad a liar the girl really is, a 2000 page book under her pillow? That's great. :) It looks like it's going to be a fairly interesting story and probably entertaining as well :)
Good start, and I look forward to reading more, just watch some of your grammar wording and it will be lovely. :)
~StephAuthor's Response: Hi! Thank you for the review. Sorry that it took a while for me to answer it. =)
She's a Gryffie, but it will become more clear in the next chapter. I remember reading from HP, that Filch had some chains and stuff in his office, whether he was allowed to use them (or uses them anyways) is left open to reader's interpretation.
Thanks for the reminder, I'll try to keep my grammar in check. Report Review
P.T.P for HC :)
This was a really touching story, at first I couldn't tell who's point of view it was from, I actually thought it was Harry's for a while, but I think I liked it even more when I found out it was Ginny's. She has always sort of been the sore spot in HP for me, she never really had that emotional level when JK wrote her, not enough for how she really was feeling in my opinion anyway. But you gave her that emotion and feeling and I was really glad. It was nice to see just how much love and kindness could come from her.
It's a rather sad story I must admit, the pain they must have gone through with Lily would have been terrible. But you depicted the whole thing really well. It's original, usually in stories it's all "Wizards can't get cancer" but you made it super believable, and not by using the usual methods either, by using magic. Which in my opinion showed that even a simple, seemingly harmless spell could ruin everything and change someone forever.
I really loved it, it was well written and made me actually picture myself there next to Ginny. Great Job.
~ Steph Report Review
I really enjoyed this story. I think my favourite part would have to be that Neville went up against Harry again, this time to protect him more then he had to in first year. It was kind of good to see a side of Harry you don't usually see in fanfic, a dark side, showing that the war actually did have a rather large toll on his life, probably more then it did on anyone elses. So I really liked that he was the 'bad guy' in this story.
Another thing I really liked was that you managed to depict the Department of mysteries in a sort of dark way, that no one wanted to enter them, I am guessing after what happened in Harry and Nevilles fifth year?
This was a really good story, there were parts, around where Harry came in where it got a bit confusing? But otherwise I didn't see any problems with it. :)Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I felt very much like both characters need a little twist to them so i decided to make them the opposite of what they are normally. I'm so glad you enjoyed it though. I know it got confusing a bit, because that's what i felt like Neville was feeling like and a bit how it felt to write it. I'm glad you enjoyed it overall though and thanks again for the review!
Am.Ginny Report Review
I really like this story, it's nice and to the point, admittedly at first I was a bit confused by it all, I was questioning why she would go looking for dragons and try to fight one, but after a while I understood her reasoning behind it. Her need to try and dull the pain she had been feeling ever since Cedric died. That she had to relive all her experiences with him so that maybe she could get some closer. It's definitely a different way of looking at grieving. That she is not wallowing more using actions to try and release her pain, instead of tears.
I like that through it you bought in memories of her time with Cedric of the time when he did exactly what she was doing at that moment it was a nice touch. I also liked that sort of internal dialoge, her telling herself that now wasn't the time for reminiscing, that it could be done after the impending dragon wasn't in her current vicinity. It made the story more realistic and easier to follow.
Some bits where a bit jumpy in the story and made a few section hard to follow but I think it was more a matter of wording then anything else. Otherwise this was a lovely story and I enjoyed reading it.
Great Job. W.W.W.W.W :)
- StephAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! Yeah, I know, it is a bit confusing. It didn't seem that confusing when I wrote it - then I read it over and kinda went 'huh', but then of course it was too late and I didn't really have the heart to change it. I'm so glad you got it, though - the whole 'closure through experience' thing is exactly what she's doing! By imitating the tournament, she's trying to understand why he died and just how dangerous the tournament was.
I really enjoyed writing the memories of Cedric. I think if the word limit had been higher, I might have expanded on those a bit more, maybe put in a bit more detail and spread the action out a bit more... I dunno...
Yeah, I wrote it really quickly and some bits are pretty rough in place. I'm intending to go on a huge editing spree this Christmas, so beware! ;)
Thank you so much for the review and sorry the response is so late!
Aph xx Report Review
Haha, I loved it, a paper dragon? It was great and imaginative :) Fair warning this Review shall have no struck but completely out of order context. :)
I liked how ridiculous most of it was, ollivander on top of a bookshelf, Cedric magically changing clothes, did I mention the dragon? I also loved how he sprayed ink instead of spouting fire. It was a nice touch to the rather amusing dragon made of pages of books. I also love how you used muggle books in your story instead of Wizard books with would be more common in the Hogwarts library then a muggle book such as Moby Dick.
I like how the dream in some weird way made sense, it's something she would dream of. Books and examination, both Ravenclaw things to worry about or indulge in. And a dragon, fitting nicely with Cedric and her 4th year.
There were a few little errors here and there but nothing that ruined the flow of the story :)
Lovely story and it made me smile, great job :)
- StephAuthor's Response: Quite frankly, I'm really not a fan of Cho, nor did I have the first clue how to go about using the prompts -- so I literally just set my fingers to the keyboard, and this is what came out. :D It's all supposed to be rather ridiculous and silly, of course, and nothing /has/ to make sense (it is a dream!), so any and all justifications as to what I chose to use and not to use can be pushed towards that excuse. :P
Ooh, errors? I'm always interested in making my stories as perfect as possible; there's no such thing, of course, but if you could tell me what needs fixing, I'd be happy to do it. I'm glad this story made you smile, and thank you for taking the time to leave a review on it, Steph! :) Report Review
Oh I really like this, I didn't realise till the end that it was set in seventh year and during the second wizarding war but I do like that she was reflecting her past in a time where survival wasn't always a certainty and you would have been lucky to get out alive. It's one of those weird things, people looking back at the past in moments of crisis, and you did it really well.
I like how you made it out that she hated Harry, and I think at times she probably did, more so after fifth year but she would have hated him for surviving when Cedric could not and getting glory where for a over a year Cedric wasn't named a hero but an accident.
I also like her defence against Cedric being called a spare, it's nice to see that she defended him in her mind, that she saw him as much more then just someone who was an obstacle in a greater plan, that he was important. I also like the fact that Cho joined the DA for Cedric, became a fighter for him and fought in his name, it's nice to see and very different. :)
Overall I really liked it and it's a great story :) Great Job :)
- StephAuthor's Response: Hi Steph :D.
Cho is meant to be angry, confused and upset here. She's in the middle of a war, she's lost the boy she loved, she doesn't know how to deal with it and so she blames Harry. I think, if I were in her position, that I would as well. She's just human; it's so much easier to rant and hate others than to hate yourself.
I wasn't sure wha time period I was going to set it in until the end to be honest! I wrote this in about two hours and it was all a bit higgledy piggledy.
Thanks for reviewing!! :)
-Annon Report Review
I loved how this was set the year after Cedric's death, I always wondered how sad Cho really was around that time, it's not always easy to tell in movies and the HP books were never about her so it was always only guess work and imagination, but you brought those imaginations to life in this, her sadness, her fear and longing, all of them where in this story.
It liked how you had snippets from different little parts in their fifth year, of Hogs Head, of actually DA moments and times where she wasn't even with Harry but still pondering the same thoughts. I also liked that you showed her confliction, that in some way she cared more for Harry then just a friend but at the same time, her need to be with him was fueled by her need for the knowledge of what actually happened that night in the Graveyard.
I also really like the end you have for this story, that she got her patronus, a swan, which fits her. She may be graceful but Cho definitely is the kind of person who would fight back, and do it well.
This was a really lovely story and I am glad I got to read it. :) Great Job
- Steph Report Review
Egypt? You just made me a very happy girl :)
Your story was lovely, I love the way you depict cho in this and how she missed Cedric so much, even after so many years apart. It's sad and slightly romantic in a funny kind of way.
As I said before I love the fact that this is set in Egypt, it's new and refreshing and i definitely like it more because of that reason. I also like how out of all the Ministries Cho could have chosen it was the Egyptian one, and the one with a dragon that reminded her of the man she missed. I also couldn't help but smile at the description of said dragon, it was rather funny how you made it basically Hufflepuff colours.
I also love how it's set in Cho's future, that this is her career now, and that she actually found a place, I always wondered what sort of a job she would have after Hogwarts and this one seems to be one of the ones that fits her personality, even if she seems a bit to sweet for such a job. It works.
I couldn't really see any grammar mistakes in your story, it flowed beautifully and it's very original. Good job and I really enjoyed it :)
Steph Report Review
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