I know how much reviews mean to a writer, so let me help as best I can.
I love the story idea, it's one of my favorites and I wish that there were more like this. Dudley's death is also a new twist on things, so I expect to see great things out of this story.
Alright, time for me to critique (and don't worry, I'll be gentle).
First, watch the size of your paragraphs. While long paragraphs are the norm in real novels (on paper), they are less suited for fanfiction because the reader must look at a computer screen at tiny font for long periods of time. This in no means reflects bad content in your writing, just think of it as taking bites of food instead of trying to swallow the meal whole. Like the last paragraph: the content is good, but it could be split into three or more paragraphs without harming any of the content.
Pace yourself when you write, the death of Dudley and Alexandria seemed almost rushed. In an instance when you want to really snare the reader in your story, it's best to have your readers emotionally invested in the characters (the entire first paragraph could have been broken up and made longer for a back story of the happy family). Once you've given your characters (or characters of Rowling's that you are borrowing) that third dimension, their deaths will tug on your audience's heartstrings all the more.
People love adrenalin, so details in a high action (or emotion) are always a plus. I am in no ways saying that the scene was bad, but it can always be fleshed out into something more.
Alright, now that I've nit-picked at the "big" issues, I will end on a positive note: great use of foreshadowing, that is what makes your readers come back for more.
I will be watching this fic!
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