I really enjoyed this chapter. Your version of Sirius is very believable and Caprice is behaving in a way that many girls would.
One thing that I would maybe tweak is your James-Lily interactions. We know that Lily didn't really like James but I doubt that she yelled at him all the time, just for saying hi to her. Her dislike for him is something that can get ridiculously over-exaggerated in fanfics, so I would be careful.
I find it odd that Caprice knew what Sirius did so quickly, especially since there was no mention of him having an interest in another girl. While I can see her figuring out that he was fooling around with someone, I find it hard to believe that she and Nora automatically knew he had had sex.
Overall though it was a lovely chapter and the story is progressing quite nicely :)
RaeAuthor's Response: YAY! I was so going for realistic and I'm so glad you think that the characters are believable *sigh of relief* :)
I know they yell a lot but don't worry they won't be doing that all the time, and you'll see why Lily got pissed at exactly that time in the morning but the second time she didn't yell she just merely ignored his attempts to talk to her lol
Well yeah some people pick up on this quickly but others take time... see Capri and Sirius have been best friends throughout their time at Hogwats so this implies that they knew when the other had their first boy/girlfriend and when they had their first kiss etc. They knew about the other fooling around but she knew it was a lot more than that when he chose to lie to her about it... that's when she put it together...
I hope that clears it up. Thanks so much again for coming to review this chapter Rae :)
~Cali Report Review
Ahh and the story really starts! I really like Caprice and Sirius's relationship although I think Caprice's reaction to Sirius leaving was a tad dramatic, but that may just be part of her personality.
I can definitely see Sirius flaking on his promise to write and then only send something super short.
Over all, a nice set up for the school year and I can't wait to see what happens with the story :)
RaeAuthor's Response: Lol yeah well, she is a dramatic personality :)
Thanks again for the review Rae, really appreciate it :) Report Review
Hello, back for more reviews :)
this chapter was really cute, Caprice is very endearing. Her relationship with Sirius is adorable and incredibly entertaining. I find it odd that an eleven year old would have such a firm idea against hitting on his neighbor.
You have a couple spelling and punctuation errors, so I would look out for those when editing your chapter because they can be distracting to the reader.
I love the way you ended the chapter, it was a nice set up for the next chapter.
RaeAuthor's Response: Hey Rae :)
Thanks for coming back!
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing :) i'm really glad you enjoyed it. Yes I know Sirius is lot grown up... well in one aspect... for his age :P
Yes I'm working on the proof reading! thanks again!
:) lovely review! thank you
Cali Report Review
I really enjoyed this chapter. It was a good mix between drama and suspense and humor. And of course my interest was peaked again as you gave another gleam about Willow's secret. I definitely didn't see wings coming.
The scenes in Hogsmeade with Harry and Ron had me giggling. It was good, nice fun and a good break from the dark mood of the story.
The look into Willow's thoughts on her friendships with Harry and Ron was interesting as before it had seemed like they had always been best friends. It makes a lot more sense now.
And I like the cliff-hanger you ended on. It promises more information to come on the mystery that is Willow.
Lovely chapter :)
RaeAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for those compliments :) Report Review
Hello! I'm back for your requested reviews :)
First thing is very nit-picky of me (sorry) but it's something that if changed, helps improve your writing. When starting a new chapter you should not immediately use pronouns. For example, you started with 'Her skin crawled as she sat in her Ancient Runes class.' While it's easy for the reader to understand you're talking about Willow because she is your main character, it is more grammatically correct to say 'Willow's skin crawled..' as in this chapter you haven't identified an antecedent for your pronoun. You also have the problem of switching verb tenses, something I mentioned before. There are also small grammatical errors and typos throughout that, while they aren't very important, distract the reader from your very interesting plot. I know you started a thread to get a beta so once someone responds, that'll clear right up.
I really like that you wrote about the lessons. One thing that's bothered me about some fanfics is the lack of lessons in them. They're important to a good story in my opinion because they're a vital part of Hogwarts, so they should be included at least a little bit in fanfics.
I like how you reveal things about Willow slowly and through memories. However I find it very strange and hard to believe that Willow and Alexander would stop to have that long chat while trying to escape Death Eaters in their house. Willow seems much too smart for that so I would have picked a different way for them to get caught.
But finally we get some answers in this chapter! Willow and her brothers are vampires! Of course with answers come even more questions, is there any importance in the locket? Why are they above wizarding law?
Very interesting chapter :)
RaeAuthor's Response: Hello, dear!!
Don't worry about being nit-picky about it! I've been actually writing down notes from every review I get, so once I get my Beta, he/she already has the general idea on the amount of work required :P, so thank you!
It's the lessons that made reading the series more 'real' for me, so yes I do feel the same way when there aren't classroom setups in the fics :P I hope I did them well :)
As for the long chat, Willow's definitely smart, but the thing about her is when she's with Alex, she doesn't think much, if that made sense. She trusts his judgement and she's the sort who enjoys the quietness of following as oppose to leading. Admittedly, it did take awhile for them to get themselves out of the house, I was merely trying to flesh out Alex's character a bit. I just sit and hope the the readers will think that she's gravely injured and he's weakened hence the slow process of trying to get out :P Very perceptive of you!
Thank you so much!
draconian88 Report Review
Hello! i'm here with your requested review!
This story is so original! I love that it's from Narcissa's point of view. What I love even more is that you actually kept her in character instead of making her 'secretly nice underneath.' I can already tell this is going to be an interesting story.
One little thing that bothered me however was that Narcissa never mentioned that Sirius was her cousin. Especially with the way she referred to him as 'Black' it made it seem as if they were not related.
Great start to the story however, stop by my thread again when it's updated, I'd love to see where you go with this :)
RaeAuthor's Response: Thank you so much Rae for the awesome review! I'm so glad that you think she is in character!
I know it's a little formal with her and Sirius but it'll clear up in as the story progresses.
Thank you so much again! :) I will definitely be back with an update :) Report Review
Lovely chapter! I like how Caprice actually acts like a true eleven year old and doesn't automatically have a strong hate or love for Sirius. Most children don't, and act exactly as Caprice did when faced with a new situation. Very nice characterization :)
I do have questions about Caprice's aunt however. If she is a witch, why wouldn't her sister know? How did she hide it? There are definitely some things that are left unexplained.
But overall, amazing chapter. Very well done :)
RaeAuthor's Response: Thanks again! I did put an effort to go back to 11 years old. Children just don't rush with judgement... even if they are told that they are a witch they just go... huh.. how come?? :P
Aunt Agatha went to Hogwarts (boarding school) and while at home she pretended to be a girl back from school just for the holidays. In fact Capri is following her example to the letter :) :P
Thank you for your effort and wonderful reviews! much appreciated! Report Review
here for more reviews :)
I absolutely loved the way you wrote her reaction to the letter, it was very believable. I also like the little slip in of Sirius, I could totally see him doing that.
Overall this chapter was very well written and entertaining. Nice job :)
RaeAuthor's Response: Thank you! much love for the awesome review! Report Review
Hello! It's loonyRae2 from the forums for your reviews :)
I really liked this first chapter, it was a good opener. You gave just enough background information without the reader being overwhelmed with description. I especially love your characterization of Caprice. I do believe we've all lost ourselves in our books when we were younger :)
The only thing I would really tweak would be your formatting, your spacing between paragraphs is a bit off.
And I absolutely love the way you ended the chapter, definitely peaked my curiosity and left me wanting more :)
RaeAuthor's Response: Heya!
Thanks a lot for the awesome review! I really love it! it made my day :)
I have had a few comments about spacing and I am trying to work it out.. thanks for the advice.
Thank you again! hope you keep reading! xx Report Review
I love the length of this chapter. It showed a lot of important events and definitely wasn't a filler which made it interesting to read.
I'm very interested in Willow's background and family and how she became Dumbledore's goddaughter.
I also liked how you turned the cliche of having a ball at Hogwarts into something a little different. While I still find it unrealistic that there would be a ball, the fact that the 7th years can make career connections at it makes it more practical and is very creative.
Your writing on this chapter is a bit choppy however, and I would try to edit your writing to add more flow. Also, Ron seems a little out of character at the end as in the books he doesn't really understand emotions, especially women's. This makes him giving Harry that amazing advice seem hard to believe.
Also it seems as if Willow's replacing Hermione in your story. This may not be the case as it is the early chapter but I would rather see how Willow relates to all of the Trio, instead of just having Hermione away in the hospital.
RaeAuthor's Response: First off, thank you so much for this review, you're too sweet :P
I remember when I was writing this one, I had a good 'feel' of the character, so I guess the words did flow naturally. The first two did rather feel introductory, making this one the actual first chapter, if that makes sense.
As for Willow's background, much of it will be revealed in the later chapters, so hold on tight? Haha
Thank you for that compliment of turning that Ball thing into something different. It was inspired by RL, when I didn't know which course I was going to take for college :P
LOL,I know what you mean!!! English isn't my first language (feeble excuse, I know), so I already put up a request in the forums for a Beta, but no one has taken it yet. But I'm still hoping someone would soon :)
The little change in Ron was something I did as a sort of tribute to the character. I mean he isn't really appreciated in some of the fics I read, so I wanted to give him some of my love and made him they way he is here in my AU world :P
Trust me Willow's isn't too happy about replacing Hermione, as she thought in the later chapters. She's feeling all odd about it too :P Hermione will be back of course, how can I resist?
Thank you so much for this review!
-draconian88 Report Review
Hello! It's loonyRae2 from the forums for your requested review.
You have a lovely start to your story, incorporating your OC quite nicely. I like how you let small details about her reveal themselves naturally.
I have noticed some grammar issues, however. Nothing too serious, just some small tense changes. They're not very serious but they do tend to throw the reader off so I'd be more careful while editing. You could also try getting a beta, they're very useful and easy to find on the forums :)
Also the fact that the head girl and head boy share a dormitory is unfortunately rather cliche. Of course, like every cliche, it can end up working quite well if used nicely.
I do like that Draco isn't automatically all good at heart as he is in most Draco romance fics. He obviously wasn't the best person, as shown in the books, and I like how you stick to that and am curious to see how you continue to develop his character.
RaeAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for this review, it's quite helpful! Report Review
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