Just wanted to say that I love the story! And that I can't wait for the next chapter! I love them so much!
10/10Author's Response: aww thank you so much! I am almost done with the next chapter actually! so you won't have to wait very long! Thank you so much for reading! Report Review
First of all, I want to apologize for taking so much time to come here, I must say that I should have done it before, but I hadn't really been able to. Second of all, I want to say that I'll be reviewing your story a little bit different from what I've been doing, but if you want a 'normal' review, just shot me a PM and I'll post it in any of the other chapters.
Okay, so, to begin with, the first thing I noticed, seriously like in the first paragraph, was that I like very much your writing style. I like the way you narrate and that you take the time to describe things in detail without writing paragraphs and more paragraphs about how red are the shoes she just bought (just an example). Also, you describe feelings pretty good and its easy for the reader to know how they are supposed to feel. Good job!
I think that the first encounter is somewhat a cliché but I like it a lot. I did found another cliché, though, which is the rain scene. While, in my opinion, of course, sometimes that kind of scenes are okay and actually fit pretty good in some stories, they are also predictable and the reader already knows what is going to happen and maybe twisting it a bit could make it even better! For example, Rachel was soaking wet when she returned to the castle and then saw the twins who teased her about it and then she heard Cedric calling her name behind her and he is all amused because she's wet and maybe later you can make them go to the hollow tree because Rachel wanted to show him her favourite spot in the school. I like the first scene very much though! And the rain one too, but well, I won't get into rambling even more x)
Also, in the first chapter, you gave away too much information, I think. The background paragraph was okay, but I think that you could have keep the fact that Fred&George are her best friends and just show it when she starts talking to them. Something like this: "Rachel looked around for her best friends and smiled at them when she finally spotted them" and then you put the dialogue that you already have written. Again, it's just a suggestion :)
Other thing that I would like to highlight here :) is that Rachel is developing her feelings too fast, in my opinion, so maybe you could deepen in what is making her feel that way. And I think that will be it in my other side of the list.
Going with the characters now. Cedric is really well written, I love how you keep him IC. I've always imagined him being a gentleman and sweet and romantic. I'm not convinced by his nervousness, though. I think that yes, you don't know what to say in front of that person and you stutter a lot, but I think he's way too nervous in Chapter 4. Just saying though! I still love him!
About Rachel, besides the fact that I feel she's developing her feelings for Cedric too quickly, I really like her. She's not the typical girl that nobody notices but she isn't either the kind of girl who hangs around with everybody, I think that's truly realistic. I like her silliness when she's dating Cedric, because it's really sweet and I love it.
BUT! I got to say! Fred and George made my day. They are just so funny and so IC that it's impossible not to like them. I like very much how you characterize them and you should definitely use them as much as you can [because I love the ^-^] lol, it's a really good job what you do to add humour to this and I think humour is one of the most difficult things to write, so keep it up!
All in all, I like this story very much, keep writing and I know you'll be awesome!
Nashira.Author's Response: Wow, that was a FANTASTIC review. =) It makes me feel bad about all the reviews I'VE ever written, because they aren't like this one! =D Your review is fabulous, don't worry about normalcy, because who wants to be normal, anyway? =)
I'm really intrigued by all your suggestions, especially about the rain scene. Part of my problem is that when this story began, I wasn't writing it for others to read, but was writing it as a way to put myself with Cedric. =D So when I actually decided I wanted to post it, I kept all the little cliche scenes and things without thinking about serious writing quality (same goes for her fast-developing feelings and Cedric's nervousness!). As I've said, I'll be doing an eventual MASSIVE rewrite and will be taking things more seriously, as it were. But I am really so, so grateful that you added your input, I may even use some of your basics and credit you. =) If that's okay?
Ooh, I'm glad to hear that you can find humor! ^_^ Writing humor's a weak spot of mine, as I tend to write more depressing and serious things. And I'm REALLY glad you like my writing style, as well, it really makes me feel like I am writing something REAL. =)
Thank you for your amazing review, it was truly brilliant. I cannot thank you enough for stopping by and reviewing this story! =)
My name is Tess and I'm here for your requested review!
WHAT I LIKE:
-Humour. I think that's brilliant. You made me laugh so hard sometimes and most of the story is really funny. I like that very much and I think you should use that as much as you can, because many stories have witty remarks too, but they are not really funny and you certainly know how to make people laugh (me at least)
-Narration. I think you have a very nice narrative style, it's concise but it lets us enough details to be able to imagine accurately and you let feelings show nicely.
WHAT I DON'T LIKE:
-Sudden change of atmosphere. I think that it's really disconcerting when you are reading a story when you are all sad, feeling extremely depressed and suddenly everything it's ok now. You should try to develop a little more how is that characters are going to change their emotions. For example, when Al and Lily are at the kitchen and he hugs her and everything is alright. I like the idea of her brother helping her that way and it's even realistic, but maybe you could explain a little further how was her emotion change instead of just saying he comforted her and then he made her dinner. Am I making any sense at all? If not, feel free to ask!
-Flashback, POV changes, etc. Okay, I'm really, really picky about this kind of stuff. I think that when you are going to play a scene in a past time, you shouldn't really tell the reader. I believe that with simply writing something like... "I remember that time in sixth year, Rose had been completely smashed and it hadn't been pretty" then insert here the whole story you wrote in italics. I think I've never been a fan of that white lines that separates times or POVs.
WHAT SHOULD BE WORKED ON:
-Flow. I think that even when the story is really easy to read and you don't get stuck, but sometimes it goes so fast that you don't give the reader any chance to finish with one scene when other thing is already happening.
I love her. She's hilarious and I couldn't picture her any other way. I think you've described her perfectly and I really, really think she's an awesome character.
ABOUT THE STORY:
I like the plot a lot, I like too that it's short but has enough material to nicely develop the plot and doesn't just go round and round the same stuff all the time, so I think that is really good.
ABOUT THE WRITING STYLE:
I like it, I think that writing in third person is really difficult, but you do it quite well, I believe that practising you will become a really good writer!
I think that's all from me, I hope I wasn't too harsh, I really think this story is really good! And I read the sequel first chapter and loved it, I think it's very nicely written, an I'm in shock about the ships and everything else!
Anyway, have a great day!
PS: I think this was the best chapter ;) Report Review
My name is Tess, and I'm here for your requested review!
First of all, let me tell you, I was really frustrated when I first started reading this story. I was thinking how on earth you wanted me to review your story when it was so perfectly written, and that was only in the first paragraph. So I made it my mission to find something to talk about in this review that could be helpful, otherwise it would be such a waist of time for both of us. I kind of accomplished my mission, but I can't really say I'm that happy with the small quantity of things I found. Anyway, after this useless rambling, on to the review!
WHAT I LIKE:
- Description. I think you have a really amazing description style. While it's short (which let me tell you I'm a fan of short descriptions) it's pretty detailed and you can imagine perfectly the scene you're setting us in or the person we are looking at. I think that is one of the best qualities a writer can have.
- Plot. I'm not sure if this has been done before, but I've never read something similar to this. Even if the plot existed before you wrote it, I like pretty much the way you're writing it, and it looks pretty original, which is something very hard when you're writing fanfiction.
- Merope, both, physically and emotionally. I think you've pictured so well, showed her emotions so clearly, that it's really hard to imagine her not being like that. I also liked the fact that she wasn't actually a squib but someone that refused to do magic. That is a really interesting theory. Oh, and the fact that she's not the gorgeous clichéd girl, makes her even more realistic.
- Flow. This is something that should be also recognized. Even if you move rather quickly from a scene to another, it's not disconcerting at all and it doesn't confuse the reader. I really like the way you lead us to the next scene of the story.
WHAT I DON'T LIKE: [Minor Pet Peeves]
Okay first of all, in the first chapter there was something I just don't like. I really enjoyed the first chapters, until it suddenly the gloomy atmosphere was cut out by a more aggressive one and it was so sudden that it really disconcerted me. I've never liked when you're caught in one feeling and then, out of the blue, you're dragged into a totally different one. Besides, it increased the rhythm of the story unexpectedly, so it kind of makes me feel dizzy. I think that this is the only flow flaw [haha that rhymed] that you have in this story, making it more subtle would make it a whole world better.
The other thing I didn't quite agree with was Tom telling Merope to tell anyone if she was being abused by Domestic Violence. I don't think that in that times any guy would have cared about that, especially Tom Riddle [father]. Just my point of view about that, anyway!
WHAT NEEDS TO BE WORKED ON:
- Uh... nothing much. Just minor things such as words repeating and maybe the character's actions description? I just have this in my notes because I didn't quite get at first when Merope's father slapped her, but that is not such a big thing.
As I said above, I think she's brilliant, I think that is the closest description of what JKR insinuated and with your own especial touch you make her such a realistic character that I've just come to love. I think she's already developed, which is a huge advance, considering this is just the second chapter, so I think this is extremely good.
ABOUT THE STORY:
Once again, I must repeat what I've already said. I think you've chosen a great plot and have developed it nicely. I think it's something that traps the reader and it's so interesting that the reader doesn't even think about closing the page and never coming back. It's the king of story that keeps you attached to your computer day and night waiting for an update.
ABOUT THE WRITING STYLE:
I can say that you remind me so much of Tessa Korber, who happens to be one of my favourite writers. You have such short, yet detailed and realistic description that it envelopes me in the story and makes me feel as if I'm in there, which is what I think it's the main goal of a book: to transport you to some far away land.
Overall, well done! you've definitely become one of my favourite writers and I'm looking forward to read more of your work in the future. That's all from me!
Hope you have an awesome day!
~Nashira Report Review
So I've finished reviewing your story, and obviously reading. As my last review (until you update, of course) I've PM'd you *is in the process of*
I was posting it here and saw the length of it and decided that it was better to PM you x)
I hope you find it useful and not just a huge bunch of words.
Waiting for the update,
PS: About the 'I love Avery' comment, I actually meant Tina, I'm reading another Sirius/OC story where the main charrie name is Avery and I totally messed up here but meh, I'm sorry!
PSS: This is the first time I review a whole story!
PSSS: Review my story pleasemus? *hint* Thanks!Author's Response: Hey *waves*
Next chapter should not be long, I just want to get a few one-shots I've done for challenges up! Thanks for the PM btw, it was all REALLY good feedback.
Ahaha, yeah it would have been a verrry long review :)
You shall not wait long! Pwomise :)
Ohh right ok, I was a bit confused by that :/
Aha, thanks for all the reviews, I will have a look at your story if you can (maybe you could request me to review it on the forums if you want like proper informative reviews)
Lily :)) Report Review
Aw so prwety! I love Remus/Elizabeth, they're so cute! And James phrase to Lily is the best, though you could somehow make Lily state she wants to be with James? Cuz you know it's quite obvious but as stubborn and proud as you paint her to be I doubt she would like that phrase when she hasn't say anything... just saying! no need to change it if you don't want to! It's really good as you wrote it!Author's Response: Heyy,
Umm... do you mean Emmeline... :S Aha, thanks though :)
Yeahh... I might have a think about that... any CC is welcome :)
Lily ^_^ Report Review
aw I still hate her, let's kill her! oh, wait, Molly got her first, *pouts* anyway, amazing chapter!Author's Response: Aha, I know! She's horrible!
Mollie and Bella's fight is one of my fave moments in the books... :) Report Review
I just love him he's just so awesome! And Tina, silly girl, he's all hers and she doesn't take advantage of that! x) On to the reading!Author's Response: Heyy,
I love him too ^_^
I know, she is rather silly for not taking him... but she has her reasons to be fair. Report Review
Will say just one thing...
Lovestruck git Author's Response: Ahaha :)
Oh! Did I spell it wrong... oops :) Report Review
I don't know if I feel sorry for Marlenne or I just hate her too, she was soo mean!
Any way, Sirius ftw!Author's Response: Nahh, Marlene's horrible -__-
Sirius! Woop! :) Report Review
So sad! So, so sad! It was going so well!! u.u Me wants Sirius and Tina togetherAuthor's Response: Awww, don't worry just keep reading :) Report Review
Aww! Mean, mean Bella! I hate her, anyway, another genius chapter keeping up!Author's Response: I know! She's horrible (so fun to write though). ThankeeForAllTheReviews! Report Review
awww I wanted more Sirius/Tina action! That's not fair! *pouts and runs to get some of that*Author's Response: Awww, sorry! There is going to be a lot of Tina/Sirius in this story :) Don't worry! Report Review
OMG! I hadn't realized she was bitten! What's going to happen now? Is she a werewolf now? And OMG! Sirius *.* awww he's so adorable! Excellent chappie! 10/10Author's Response: Heyy, no she's not going to turn into a werewolf cause she was an animal at the time... not sure if this is write but I'm using poetic licence :/
Awww, I know he is :)
Thankeee Again! Report Review
Poor Tina! Aww she's a panther! I never thought about that when I tried to figure her patronus! *.*Author's Response: Heyy,
Yay! you got my link to the patronus thing, I wasn't sure if many people noticed that :) Report Review
I think we all love Sirius' eyes Author's Response: Oh we do, certainly... anyone who doesn't needs to be checked out ;) Report Review
So stupid sooo so stupid! aw Poor Sirius! How could she do that?! lol I still love her though!Author's Response: Heyy,
Awww I know! I hated writing this, how could anyone turn him downnn?? :) Report Review
This was good too...
Lol x) No, really I liked this chapter, not much going on, but anyway, I liked the DADA's professor idea.Author's Response: Oh...
:P Really, thanks, I love getting reviews :))) Report Review
Aww poor Tina! She finally does something right and Bella is scaring her to dead without being there! That would be my reason #5983827 to hate her x)
Love it again!Author's Response: Awww, I know, Bella is insanely evil... she's fun to write though, in a weird way x)
Glad you like it! Thanks for reviewing!
Lily :) Report Review
Ha! I love Avery! Yes I do, x)
"It was like a strange pulling in my abdomen, like my vital organs were trying to get themselves out of my body and run away to somewhere else. I had no idea where though. "
So awesome, I just thought, 'You like him, love, don't try to deny it!' It's really, really good!
*goes back to reading*Author's Response: Aha, strange person to love but okayy... ;)
Awww, I'm glad you find it touching :D
*goes back to replying your wonderful reviews*
Awww poor Tina! And OMG! I love !Knight-in-shining-armour Sirius! He's so perfect *.*
Naww, really, I like your writing style it's trapping, writing in first person can be tricky, but you do it nicely! Well done!Author's Response: Heyy again,
Aww, I love him too * . *
Thanks, I'm glad you like it and think my writing style is good :) First person is hard to write and I'm happy people appreciate that and notice when it's done well (I put quite a bit of time into making it work :/)
Lily :) Report Review
Hai! As I promised here I am! I really like this chapter, I think it sounds promising, I'll continue on reading!Author's Response: Heyy, thanks for popping over to have a look :)
Glad you like it, hope you keep reading (and REVIEWING *hint hint*)
Lily ^_^ Report Review
OMG! This is just so pretty and sad and pretty x)
You almost made me cry!
Fingers crossed for you to win!Author's Response: I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thank you for reading! Sadly not enough people entered the contest so I didnt win or loose. There was no result :( Thanks for the review though! - Kirsty xxx Report Review
OMG! I can't believe it's over! It was sooo amazing! I can't wait for the sequel! I hope you put it up soon!Author's Response: Thanks! :) I'm taking a short break before working on it, but I definitely will write it within a month or two! Report Review
LOVED the ending, such a beautiful ficAuthor's Response: thanks so much!! Report Review
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