Hi, electricfeel here back to review.
It was good to get a glimpse into Brienne's back story. It definitely added a new dimension to the plot and keeps the story interesting and unique.
The only thing I would comment on is how quickly Brienne has become friends with the twins, although this is completely plausible, I would have liked to have a better insight into how their friendship developed. It seems like you missed a great opportunity there.
It is coming along nicely though. Brienne's developing more but I think the twins' characterisation needs a little bit more development but it is early yet.
Hope this review helped :)Author's Response: Hi! Thanks so much for reviewing, and for the tips about the F&G/Brienne friendship! Report Review
Hi electricfeel with your requested review (obviously :P)
So, this was suspenseful, you ended on a mighty cliffhanger! You'll definitely interest some readers with that ;)
I write Draco quite a lot too and I see your interpretation of post-war Draco is vastly different to mine. But it's great that I've managed to establish that after just one chapter, I can see which direction you're taking him in because your characterisation was strong.
All grammar and spelling seemed spot on to me too. The only thing I would say is that it seemed a little too short, you had a lot of room for more reflective monologue or descriptions. Lines like "it was like the sorrows of hundreds of prisoners pressing down on him in a scent, if despair could have a scent" really show that you do have the potential to write beautifully and lengthen this chapter a little.
Anyway, I hope this review helped :)Author's Response: Thank you!!
I really want to get a different feel to Draco, I don't believe he could ever really change post-war, in fact he might have gotten worse trying to justify himself and keep his ego in check so that is kinda what I am looking to get across!
My cliff-hanger..sigh..i loved writing that :P
I am happy you think I'm a good writer! I was going to lengthen it but you know..i was worried it might ruin the effect :)
Thank you for getting to me so quickly!
Hannah x Report Review
Hi, electricfeel here with your requested review.
Oh, I was so happy to see you had requested again, reading this story is just always such a pleasure. The flow and pace is just perfect, I always seem to get completely lost in it. Your descriptions are just so real, which I think I may have mentioned in the last review and I don't want to keep repeating myself but really, they are fantastic. Everything feels so real; the places, the people, the emotions, the movements, the setting. Everything.
I love your characterisation of Portia thus far. She's a flawed character who seems to me very proud and perhaps a little overbearing. Yet, despite this she's still actually quite likeable. She's this strong, brave woman in a man's world so her personality is completely understandable and expected yet still unique. I also ADORED your inclusion of Moody, I just got such a surge of happiness at the idea of a young Alastor, and you wrote him perfectly which really just made my heart soar. I am genuinely beside myself with excitement at the prospect of him popping up again in later chapters. And the Minister, I think, was done very well. As a politics nerd I'm always wary when writers bring a political character into their story, especially if they have a very limited knowledge of politics themselves. Writing someone with a political mind isn't the easiest of tasks, but again, you've managed this really well. Henry Elrod is very much a politician, I can see Portia respecting him and appreciating him despite how different he is from her. I found their friendship rather endearing.
The plot is another plus, it's so intriguing and different. I really love that about it, there's no telling which direction this story will go in which is utterly fantastic (unless for readers who have a better knowledge of classical history, perhaps they might have an inkling). I really love how you've went back ten years in time, it's an interesting technique to use and one I don't think I could dare try myself for fear of just giving everything away and losing the readers interest. You've managed it flawlessly though, well done!
I'm now really interested to meet Grindelwald and a younger Tom. To make your reader feel like this just shows how fantastic your writing is. You've laid the foundations for these characters already without them even having a line of dialogue (well, in the case of Grindelwald). It's a very impressive talent within your writng.
Everything about this story is just so fantastic. I'm really excited to see how this story will unfold.Author's Response: Hello electricfeel,
Thank you so much for the kind review! Your feedback has been just great and I really appreciate your thoughtful comments. I'm so glad you're enjoying this story, especially the imagery. I know I do have a tendency to be somewhat heavy-handed when it comes to descriptive language, but I'm happy that you thought the imagery was appropriate.
And I'm really pleased that you liked my characterization. Yes, Portia definitely has some serious issues. She's a tough woman, but not quite as tough as she thinks, which unfortunately works to her disadvantage. She also has some problems with hubris and hypocrisy, but there'll be more on that later. ;) And yay! I'm glad you liked Moody's appearance. He will be a major character in this fic and should pop up quite frequently in future chapters. Also, I was quite happy (and relieved) to hear that you thought Henry Elrod turned out all right. He's sort of a back-ground character, always moving behind the scenes, although he is essential to the plot. Though you are right, he is very different from Portia. Unfortunately, Portia knows absolutely nothing about the world of politics, which is not exactly helpful considering she interacts with politicians so often.
And I'm glad you didn't find the ten year time jump too jarring. I was a bit worried about that, especially since the tone of this chapter is so different from the prologue. ;)
Grindelwald will be popping up in the next chapter and Tom won't be too far behind, I promise. ^_^ Thanks again for the awesome review! I will definitely drop by your queue in the near future and re-request. I hope you have a great week! Take care!
celticbard Report Review
Hi, electricfeel here with your review again (obviously :P) sorry it's taken so long to get to.
Your plot's developing quite nicely and you're really setting the tone well. The humour from the twins was well done and their characterisation is going good. Brienne is also developing quite well; we're learning more about her past with her family and her life at Beauxbatons. I quite like how she's looking for a friend too, that's a very realistic touch.
The only CC I would offer here, is that it seems a lot happens in this chapter in a very short amount of space and I feel like your fitting situations in to work around your plot. The introduction of the Weasley twins, for example, seemed a little... strange. I can't understand why you didn't just introduce them when perhaps she entered the class and maybe sat next to them? I feel you may be adding in unnecessary scenes for comedic value that don't really add anything to your chapter.
In saying that, this was a good chapter to your story. It's coming along nicely and as I said in the last review, it's your attention to detail that really make this story. I really loved your Harry Potter cameo, that made me smile.
Anyway, I hope this review was helpful.Author's Response: :D Hi! Thank you very much for your input, and for taking the time out to review. Report Review
Hi, electricfeel here with your review. Sorry it's taken so long to get back to you, just been a little busy.
Anyway, I really enjoyed this chapter. It felt unique and interesting, it all flowed so well that I was completely lost in the story at one point and your descriptions were fantastic. I especially loved the line "as though the sun had never been anything more than a rumour". Really good.
Your main character Madeline (or Maddy, or Grey! haha) has been set up really well. She obviously has family issues that have been touched upon here and there, that intrigue the reader to read more. But it's Elliot who really steals the show. He really is a fantastic OC; he's likeable, interesting, funny, charming. Personally, I find him completely fascinating, I can't wait to read more of him!
The plot itself was rather lovely. The dancing in the rain, the meeting a new boy, the finding refuge in a small cafe. It's all very sweet. But then, there's this more mysterious side; how big a role does Alice play? What's going on with her dad? Raising big questions like this early on really pulls in your reader, I think you've handled the plot really well.
Overall, I thought this was perfect as it is. I hate doing a review with offering CC but I don't think you need to change a thing. If anything, I would say that you seem to be on the right track with this first chapter and I'm sure the other chapters should follow on nicely from it.Author's Response: Oh god, you are honestly too sweet. I almost think that's what scares me most about this story-it feels so long ago that I typed this that I can almost read it as an outsider. Elliot and Grey seem to own me more than the other way round which is sodding intimidating. Nonetheless, thankyou so so much for another lovely review. You send my confidence flying =/
Hi, electricfeel again :)
Aw, poor Illyana! This was a really great chapter; it delves further into Illyana's relationship with her mother and father as well as giving the reader little snippets about her life thus far. The mentioning of the muggle books that she hadn't touched since being sorted into Slytherin was a nice touch. In such a small sentence you give us a lot of information. She was a Slytherin, her mother obviously had no real issue with blood purity, yet, being sorted into Slytherin must have had an effect on Illyana with regards to her feelings on it all. Cleverly done.
You've also begun developing your plot nicely, it's certainly full of mystery and many open ends. This has the potential to really capture your readers imagination.
I really do believe your strength lies in description. The whole opening paragraph was done brilliantly and the last few short, sharp sentences matched the change of mood in the story well.
Overall, a really good chapter. I'm sorry I can't offer more CC but I don't think you need to change anything really!Author's Response: Hello dear!
I know, right? Poor girl :( Living during War is never easy...can't say if it will get better of worse for the darling Illyana. I'm glad you're getting a sense of character from the detail, that's what I wanted! I hope the plot continues to keep people in, the next chapter will certainly add more depth to an already growing plot haha.
Yay! I have a strong point haha. I'll keep this in mind ;) Thanks for the review! Yours always made me happy!
Oh, and there is still much more to Julienne than what meets the eye ;) Report Review
Hi electricfeel here from the forums with your requested review. You didn't specify which chapter you'd like me to review so I'm reviewing the first, I hope that's ok.
Anyway, I really liked your characterisation of James and how he's fixated on Lily. It was a really cute and quirky addition to the chapter. I could see how it might annoy Sirius too. However, would Sirius, James, Remus and Peter always call each other by those nicknames? I don't think they would be used all that often? Another thing I noticed was the use of "Potter Manor". I know the Potter's had money, but I doubt they would have lived in a manor. It seems way too grandiose, I think they would have lived in a respectable and very nice home, I just find it far-fetched to imagine them in a manor.
The structure of this chapter was kind of off-putting? The randomly indented paragraphs were a little weird and I'm not sure if they were intentional or not. This is the first chapter, so I'm imagining there would obviously be a lot more interaction between Lily and James in the future. This chapter definitely set that up well, the reader is left wanting more interaction between them, so that's good.
To improve your story, I'd perhaps look at some more descriptions? Of surroundings, people, places, emotions etc. You do it very fleetingly every now and then, but descriptions and setting the scene really helps bring a story to life.
Anyway, I hope this review helped :)Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'll definitely take your advice! :) Report Review
Hi electricfeel from the forums here with your review. You didn't specify which chapter you wanted me to review so I'm reviewing the first, hope that's ok.
You wanted a general review on everything, so I'll start with the summary like you asked. The summary was fine, in just a few lines you convey the general tone of the story. The only thing I would say is that your summary is fine, but it's not amazing, y'know? It'll definitely attract readers who are looking for a specific type of story, but if you are looking for a more general readership, you could perhaps expand on it a little. To be honest though, it's not totally necessary. Have you ever thought about getting a banner at the dark arts? They're a real talented bunch and it'll help your story stand out in the long list of updated stories. Again, not completely necessary, but it may help if you're looking to draw in more readers.
Now, as for the chapter itself, your characterisation was pretty good. The marauders always seem a very fun bunch to write about. You've kept the tone fun and the writing style matches that well. There were a few grammar issues I spotted, miniscule really and they didn't really distract from the story so they're not that big of an issue.
The only thing I would advise you to be wary of is not making your story too cliche. I see that the story goes from their final school year right up until their death? If so, that already helps develop a little originality within your story. It's ok to have a story that's a little cliche, just as well as they're well-written. You need something that'll make yours that extra bit special. Maybe yours will be funnier? Or, maybe yours will concentrate a lot more on the blood purity issue (which, by the way, I liked the references to in this chapter already). Either way though, I'm sure you'll be able to make yours stand out :)
Overall, it's a promising start and I think you'll be appealing to quite a large audience with this type of story. Hope this review helped.Author's Response: Hi, thank you so much for your review! I have a banner rewuest at TDA at the moment, but I'll definatley take your advice about the summary.
I'll reread the chapter tonight and try to pick out the grammar errors. As to the cliche, I'll try to avoid that as much as possible. Thank you! Report Review
Hi electricfeel here with your requested review.
First, let me start by saying I really like the premise of this story. It feels really unique and it's an interesting time period. It also feels like a very adult story which, in my opinion, makes it all the more intriguing. As a reader, I know you will have a lot more freedom when it comes to your OC's antics; you can make them shocking, outrageous or memorable and that's exciting.
As for your OCs, I really like the narrator, Evie. I feel she will be a very complex and deep character, mainly through your writing in this chapter. But, I like that about her, despite living a life that many might deem to be shallow, she is actually a very layered character, I'm extremely interested to see how she develops.
Now, your style of writing can at points be utterly beautiful; the first few paragraphs for example, the descriptions of the morning after silence, the descriptions of her watching them in front of her and again at the sea. And then, at other points it feels slightly rushed. For example, the scene where they are playing in the sea, I feel you went on a little too long. I feel your whole style of writing changed here, which felt a little disappointing because your writing is beautiful! You are really fantastic at showing instead of telling, there were times were I was completely lost in your writing. Because you do have a real talent, you just need to play to your strengths because that is when your story truly comes alive. Another example of this comes with the dialogue after the party, again, it felt a little rushed too, yet the dialogue towards the end flowed perfectly. It seems in that last bit of dialogue you added a lot more descriptive narrative, I think that's whats missing from the conversation after the party.
And, I must say, your descriptions are really another real strength. It's all so vibrant; I can see the colours and the beauty, I really, really loved your descriptions.
You asked if there was anything endearing that would make readers want to keep reading and the answer is yes, there's plenty. For a start, all of your characters are great. Evie is interesting (as I've mentioned) the male characters seem fun yet we're getting hints that they may be quite different, and the friendship between Clara and Evie is incredibly endearing. But there's also you! And your style of writing! You really are a fantastic writer. Genuinely, you have a real talent. It just feels at times like you're losing your way a little. I feel like I want to tell you to take a deep breath and have a little more faith in yourself!
Hope this review helped, and I hope to see your requesting again soon ;)
P.S - I've added this to my favourites to keep an eye on it :)Author's Response: Firstly, I feel as though I might mention this is the second time I've written this reply, haha, a slight mac-spaz attack managed to lose the first. So this might be a bit patchy, if I think I've already said something that I actually haven't? I'll do my best.
First off, I can't tell you how incredibly grateful I am. This review is one of the loveliest I've laid eyes on, and I can almost promise you've made my soul sing. It's so so lovely, because it feels like you've truly understood my approach, I think. Usually with my writing, I think people get annoyed because it's a bit floral, but I can't help it-the words can be just as attractive as the thing they're describing, and if someone is willing to just sort of dive in...Ah, it makes me happy that you could, anyway =D
This will be a mess, I'm sorry-but I hope I cover everything you touched. I think your mild concrit is what's made me feel the most lightheaded, because every bit you've mentioned, I already sort of stared at those paragraphs with vague distaste. The ocean scene was incredibly hard for me to cough out-it was serious splutters, over a period of time..and then I'd go back and poke it around a bit..and bleh.
That leads me to the morning after silence-I'm thrilled it caught you a little-it's one of my favourite snips, and unlike the ocean, I can't seem to change a single word if I fancy it-it's so solidly become it's own..little piece. I don't even know if it's mine anymore, haha.
I'm rambling to buggary, but honestly. This is ridiculously encouraging, and I can't thank you enough. To hear that you're fond of my floristry gives me some courage to have a look through my text and add some more to the bits that might lack-people who dislike description will run away from the very first paragraph anyway-so I shouldn't care to cater to them too much, aha.
I'll stop myself here-with a firm promise I'll be back with another request as soon as you're free =] You've earned the place as my writing-self-esteem-angel, or something of the sort. Thankyou lovely, very much indeed.
Hi electicfeel here with your requested review.
I had planned to give this a quick look then review it properly later but the premise of it just drew me in, it was utterly captivating. Well done! It's harrowing and tragic, yet the beauty of Jeremy and Julianna's love is just lovely. Edith was an especially great character, she was so unique and really added an extra dimension to the story.
All grammar was fine mostly and the style of your writing worked well. The flow was especially great; each sentence flows seamlessly to the next, I think that's what helps it to be so captivating. Descriptions were well done although I'd have liked a little more descriptions of the appearances of the characters.
Despite how great this was, I stil feel that there was something lacking. I think you need to delve more into the emotional state of your characters. What Julianna is going through is not just a case of protecting her child, it is so much more than that, so much more horrific than that. Personally, I can't imagine anything more difficult than having to give your baby away. Although you did touch upon her sorrow, I didn't really think the emotions of such a tragic moment were displayed just right.
Also, Julianna's apparent return to strength immediately after giving birth seemed a little unrealistic to me. It's not a huge deal and I don't think it affects the story at all, but nitpickers like myself might pick up on it and it could discourage them.
Overall though, it was a very, very interesting chapter. It was well written and I really enjoyed it.
Hope this helped and feel free to request again :)Author's Response: Hi! So sorry for not getting round to replying to your review sooner ... I'm crap like that. :D
I'm glad you liked it, and completely understand what you mean about the lack of emotional depth - I've actually rewritten this chapter and intend to upload the new version soon. The newer version has, in my opinion, much more emotional depth.
Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Hi electricfeel from the forums here with your review (sorry it took a little while to get to it!)
I've never read a Severus/Hermione pairing before, so this was new for me. It's a really unique time to begin the story; after Snape's death. I can imagine that the story will be full of surprises and it's all very intriguing.
Your style of writing worked well and your descriptions of post-war Hogwarts were also well done. I especially loved the opening lines of this chapter, very eye-catching.
I do have a few issues though; first, the golden trio's friendship seems to have been swept under the carpet. I actually think that in such hard times, they would become closer. I don't think they should become merely faces in the crowd. Athough they were both mentioned, Harry's was very fleetingly and Ron's was done in a more negative tone.
I have my problems with this ship because I see it as completely unrealistic. I think you have to address the reason for Hermione's sudden infatuation with Snape. I read some of your earlier review responses and saw that you believed Hermione would fight for injustices (such as the way Snape died) and whilst I agree with this, there were many more injustices in the war. Take Lupin's death for example; all of his good friends had died and he had only just settled into the comfortable life that he longed for before it was snatched from him. So why did she feel more sorrow for Snape than Lupin? I think we need more information as to why she feels such grief for Snape, especially more so than her friends who have lost their lives.
I hope that makes sense and I hope this review helped :)Author's Response: Well, in the world that JKR created, this relationship is unrealistic. But in the world of FanFiction where you can take the characters further then ever before, its makes complete sense ;)
As for the Trio going be the way-side, yes, I did that on purpose. When it comes down to it, I'm a new writer. So jumping into a story with so many characters to juggle while creating the main plot, is a bit too much for me. So that is why, after you read the first 6-7 chapters you will understand my sweeping the trio aside ;)
Thanks for the review ;) Report Review
Hi, electricfeel from the forums here with your review. Sorry it took so long!
When reading the first chapter then this one, I'm really noticing how your attention to detail seems to be a real strength. It's the little moments that stand out; how she towers over the first years in the boat, how the first years look to her for reassurance. Little moments like these really add a unique quality to your story and I really like that.
Your characterisation is also pretty well done. McGonnagal was as accurate in this chapter as she might have been in the books themselves. You're also quite a daring writer, you tackled Hagrid's accent, you write a little bit of the sorting hat's song. I commend you for really taking that chance, a lot of writers (including myself) don't, but for you I believe it's paid off.
The only criticism I have with this chapter is it feels a little slow, but then again, that's understandable; this is all new to Brienne, even if it's not to the reader. However, although this chapter was mainly to show Brienne's sorting experience, I feel more could have happened. You give us a little hint about her background, but I feel there was a lot more room for more information within this chapter.
Anyway, hope this review was helpful, and again, sorry for the delay.Author's Response: :D Thanks very much for reviewing! It was very helpful! Report Review
Hi, electricfeel here again :)
Yet another fantastic story with humour! I haven't read any of your more angsty stuff, but I remember how you said angst was more your field, yet you must be the only author on this whole site that has genuinely made me chuckle out loud.
Your characterisation is just a fantastic example of how characterisation should be done. In just a one-shot you've managed to translate two very different characters magnificently. And we only really see them in two scenes! It's an utterly brilliant talent you have there. I adored the both of them, I was smiling all the way through your description of Terry, he just seems so adorable and strange! And then Johnny was so different, yet together they were misfits and worked well. I could gush on and on about your characters but I should move on now haha.
Your grammar, as always, was flawless and your style of writing once again works well with your story. I liked the idea that she was smoking and dangling her legs off the building, it adds a sort of reckless component to her character. The descriptions of them on the Astronomy Tower were great too, it really brought the scene to life along with the witty and realistic dialogue.
Anyway, I really, really enjoyed this. 10/10 :)Author's Response: AW. The two misfits can be friendies! I always wondered if there was more inner-year friendships at Hogwarts, because it always seemed pretty segregated in the books, but I always had friends in school that were in different grades than me. Anyway. That's why they're in different years. Poor Johnny has to put up with Cho and Marietta, hahaha.
Johnny is an oddly reckless individual. Good on you for picking up on that. She plays practical jokes, gets back at people that insult her, smokes and hangs her legs of the Astronomy Tower, and in my little story about her that I'm writing, she drives a motorcycle. I wanted to flesh out the idea I had of a Ravenclaw that is smart, but only incidentally. Johnny has a photographic memory and LOVES to read, but school? psshhtt. She couldn't care less. Teach her something she doesn't know, and not something she could read in a book.
Thanks so much for your review!
Annie Report Review
Hi, electricfeel here with your requested review :)
Firstly, I'm not very good with AU or classical history yet I still found myself absolutely adoring this! Your style of writing just flows beautifully, seamlessly, you make it seem so effortless. I was left wanting so much more. It's definitely a talent I envy.
Your characterisation was fantastic. I loved Portia, to me she seemed a strong character despite her weaknesses around Tom. I get the feeling that he is perhaps her only real weakness. Your descriptions of her emotions were so very real, so strongly written. This also applies to the descriptive narrative throughout. You described the sights, smells and sounds so well that I felt like I was there. I could see Tom in his grand room, could see the look on his face, could feel the warm temperature.
The plot was very interesting. I always wonder what would have happened in the wizarding world in terms of the second world war, would they have gotten involved? I know they had their issues with pure-bloods etc (which JK says is loosely based on Nazism) but there was so many killed during the war that there must have incidents involving the magical world. But I digress. I loved how Tom was a soldier of Gellert's, that's a very nice touch.
"Gellert was declared an outlaw by the Confederation at the time of his death. He tried to start a wizarding empire and he failed. You are the mere death rattle of that failure, Tom." - I really liked this line of Portia's. It's harsh yet true. I really hoped it would have had a better effect than it did! But then it helps open up your great characterisation of Tom.
God, this was just so well written. I feel like I'm just gushing on and on here so I should just stop haha. Anyway, feel free to request again :)Author's Response: Hello electricfeel,
Thank you so very much for reviewing! I truly appreciate your thoughtful feedback. I'm thrilled to hear that you enjoyed this prologue, even though you're not entirely familiar with AU and classical history.
And I'm ecstatic that you liked the characters featured in this first chapter. I know Tom is very, very AU, so I wasn't sure what readers would think of a Mark Antony-ish Lord Voldemort. He's definitely more intemperate and less controlled in this fic than he was in the HP books. And as far as Portia goes, I'm afraid she has many, many weaknesses. Tom is really the least of her worries, to be honest. I think her main problem is hubris. And, in addition, she is also a pretty big hypocrite, hehe. ;)
Yes, I was always interested in Grindelwald's role in WW II. I know JKR implied that his movement mirrored Nazism, but she never made it clear just how much crossover there was between them. Needless to say, I kind of ignored what canon JKR set down by making Grindelwald completely AU. Haha. ^_^
Again, thank you so much for the amazing review, electricfeel. I absolutely adored your fantastic feedback. I will definitely drop by your queue in the near future and re-request. Until then, take care and be well!
celticbard Report Review
Hi, electricfeel here from the forums :)
This seems like a really promising start. It flows well, I noticed no grammar errors and it's an interesting premise. I think the thing I liked most about it was the subtle references to other characters that we (as HP nerds) already know; Draco, Lee Jordan, the twins, Luna, Hagrid etc. It's really well done and very entertaining. I especially liked how well you've captured Hagrid's accent by the way, I usually avoid him at all costs! So, bravo!
Although this does seem like it falls into that frowned upon category of a cliche, you've handled it a lot better. You're OC is believable, her characterisation is developing nicely. She isn't some veela from Beauxbatons who's confident and gorgeous and smart. She's normal, she's nervous, she's a little clueless. So I liked that.
Anyway, overall I really enjoyed this. Feel free to request again :)Author's Response: :D Thank you so much for reviewing so quickly! Thanks for commenting on the flow, that's generally one of my weak points. Thanks again, and I'll be over to your thread to re-request :D Report Review
Hi electricfeel here with your requested review :)
Firstly, I really admire anyone who can write humour well and you certainly can! The conversation about the previous blind dates had me chuckling. Despite the shortness of this chapter, you've established David well, I get the feeling you know your character inside out and so it makes it easier for the reader to understand him too. Plus, I found myself liking him :)
And the mother was such a great character too, the relationship she has with her son is very realistic. I'm excited to see more of Frankie, she seems really interesting.
As for the plot, I can definitely see it having potential. Even within this first chapter you've aroused interest and offered so much information, I really applaud you for that. You're style of writing is very simple and fun, it fits with the tone of this chapter perfectly.
I'm sorry I can't offer any CC! I think it's absolutely fine the way it is and I really enjoyed reading this. Feel free to request again :)Author's Response: Oh gosh, if you ever have a chance to read any of my other stuff, you will understand what a leap this is for me. Angst feels like home to me, haha. But I'm glad you think this is funny! I've been biting my nails about it, honestly.
Poor David, getting himself into so much trouble lying to his mother. He should know better! I've really been thinking and thinking and writing and rewriting this story for so long that I really do feel like I know these characters.
Frankie is... very different from David. It will be interesting to see if they can ever get along. Not to mention the sheer amount of baggage they just created in this chapter will probably be increased tenfold in the next few chapters.
I've always been shocked that there aren't more stories using this idea, because lets face it, everyone loves a good crossdressing mix up, bahaha. I'm so glad you enjoy this and thought that the style was easy to read! Thanks again for your review!
Annie Report Review
Hi electricfeel here from the forums with your review :)
You've chosen a really interesting time to write about. Many focus on years after the war, not those few moments. I think you captured Harry's hurt well, I don't think Harry would ever be able to truly celebrate the war being over, especially after the horrors he's been through and the loved ones he's lost. So I really liked that aspect of it.
I also liked the introduction; the short, blunt sentences mirrored Harry's feelings in that moment. Harry would see no more than just ruin in those moments and that's what you start by introducing. It really sets the tone for the rest of the story.
I think I would have liked for it to finish on a more hopeful tone, but then I don't know how fitting that would be given the feel of the rest of the story. I think that's just a personal thing for me.
Overall it was a good one-shot and I think you captured Harry well :) Feel free to request again.Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing :)
I also thought that it would be interesting to write about the moments immediately after the Battle, I just had this vivid image in my head of how Harry would look and feel.
I'm glad the short sentences worked. I did play around with longer sentences but they felt to descriptive and detailed. I wanted to convey the shock of what had happened to Hogwarts and what Harry would see looking at it.
I understand your wanting it to end on a hopeful tone. At first I was aiming for that but as I wrote the story I changed my mind. Personally at that exact moment I don't think Harry would have been thinking about hope so I chose to leave it out.
I'm glad you liked it and that you think I captured Harry well :) Report Review
Hi electricfeel here with your review.
So, when you requested and I saw it was a Hermione/Pansy one-shot at 7095 words and with a second person narrative, I must admit I wasn't too excited.
But, OH MY GOD, how wrong I was. I feel so ashamed now. This was an absolute pleasure to read. Your writing is just so beautiful, I feel like I am Pansy; I can feel those emotions, so heartwrenching and tragic. And I can see her surroundings, can see the looks on Hermione's face. It's just utterly spellbinding. I really cannot stress enough just how much I enjoyed your style of writing, you have a real talent. Despite the length of this I wanted more, yet I didn't need anymore -- to make your reader feel like this is really rare, so bravo!
I'm not usually a big slash fan because I just find it unrealistic, especially with a pairing like Hermione/Pansy, but your plot here was great! I understood Pansy's vulnerability and Hermione's good nature is very canon. So, although I still don't see an event like this as being plausible, you made me believe it. I was utterly captivated.
The only CC I can offer is to watch with run-on sentences. But then, I feel like I shouldn't be saying this at all because its the one area that's always pointed out in my writing so it would be entirely hypocritical for me to judge you in an area I struggle with. Besides, I'm not sure if I only picked up on it because I'm super sensitive to it now.
Like I said, I'm not a huge femmeslash fan, but I've added this to my favourites. I really did enjoy it, feel free to request again :)Author's Response: OMG i am SO SORRY it has taken me so long to respond to this review! i feel so bad :(
thank you. i am really pleased you took a chance on this and i am happy you liked it. i don't know what to say to your lovely compliments so i will simply say a massive THANKS!!!
i am glad the plot made sense and that there was something realistic there. once the idea grabbed me i wanted badly to make it work.
run-ons tend to happen to me a lot when writing second person. there is something about the nature of the narrative and the flow that present tense creates that cause it to happen. i am aware of it and i try to avoid it but sometimes it sneaks in there, lol.
thank you so much and again, so dreadfully sorry i took so long to respond to this!
xx Report Review
Hi electricfeel from the forums with your review :)
I love marauder stories so I was happy when I saw you had requested this. I like the tone of this; it's lighthearted and fun which definitely sounds like you've captured the right mood for the challenge you've entered!
I would have liked to see more narrative between the dialogue, some more descriptions to bring the scene alive. Even the smallest details can help readers to really envision the scene and feel like they're there. The dialogue itself is very good, I just feel like it's missing something. I also lost track every now and then as to who was actually doing the speaking.
The plot was fun; someone being pressured by their friend to do something amusing is always worth a read :)
Good luck with the challenge!Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review!
I'm glad you liked it.
I was kind of nervous about the whole lack of details and an overdose on dialog, but so far I've gotten pretty good feedback on it. I may go back and fix it to where there's more detail and I'll specify just a little more on who's talking.
I'm so glad you liked it, and thanks for the review! :) Report Review
Hi, electricfeel from the forums here with your review.
I really like the concept of this; that Draco's future had always been mapped out for him by the Dark Lord. It's an interesting take on Lucius and Narcissa's relationship with Voldemort and the moments of Draco's birth. I think your characterisation of Voldemort was done well -- he was cold, calculating and evil. Lucius, as well, was believable. Narcissa too, although I started to doubt whether she would really have preferred her son to die than to work for the Dark Lord. I understand the enormity of giving a son over to Voldemort, the dialogue between the two of them really helped to cement this, but I always got that Narcissa would have went to Hell and back to protect Draco. I think she would rather he was alive, at any price. She is a mother after all.
I did notice a few spelling and grammar mistakes, although most times it was just simple typo's. Perhaps read over your work a lot more thoroughly before posting it? The mistakes were at times a little distracting. There is also the option of getting yourself a beta from the forums?
It was a promising start though. You visited a moment in the HP world that many writers ignore and made it intriguing. You set up the tone and style of the story and your writing style works well.
I hope this review helped :)Author's Response: Hi! Sorry it has taken me a couple of days to respond to this... I tried my best to come up with something original/not been done, so I'm really pleased that you liked the concept of this. =)
And you have NO idea how much it means to me to hear you say that you thot my Voldemort was done so well!! I have had SUCH a difficult time getting him right - I mean, you should have seen him BEFORE I updated this, lol! Had it not been for my Beta, I don't think I ever would have been able to write Voldemort's character so well. She is really great at getting inside of his head, whereas I am not! ^_^'
Yes, I have a Beta Reader, and she has already sent me the corrections for this chapter now, I just haven't had time to go back and post them yet. But an edit for this is coming very soon! I do try to catch eberything before posting, I really do. I even go so far as to read over it out loud, which usually helps. But sadly, I am not perfect after all, and I miss things... I am currently working on a piece for a challenge right now, so I have been focusing on getting that story ready to go before the deadline. Unfortunately, this story has been slightly neglected because of that. :(
Thank you again for this very honest review. It really was helpful, and I appreciate it so much. I am very glad that you thought this was a promising start, and that you liked the idea behind it! =)
~Deana~ Report Review
Hi electricfeel here with your review :)
This was really dark, Dominique's characterisation especially, which I suppose is what you were going for. The fact that she showed no remorse and actually described the moment as a "treasured memory" was especially chilling. The plot itself was good too, I liked how the Muggles saw the house as haunted now, that was a quirky addition that worked well.
Now for some CC. In the second paragraph you mention how as she walked through the streets no one's heads turned as no one knew what she had done. I really liked this paragraph, it definitely caught my attention. But then you go on to say that "she turned the heads of the passers by". It seems inconsistent yet I understand that you're trying to translate her beauty. Perhaps mention how heads turned at her beauty yet how this beauty masks the crimes she's committed? (A bit Dorian Gray-ish :P) Just a suggestion.
Although the length was a little short, I really think it worked. It was short, snappy and to the point. Your descriptions worked well and I spotted no grammar mistakes. So, overall, it was good. Your summary was especially alluring, it's good to see a summary done well.
Hope this review helped, like I said I'm not too good with next-gen but feel free to request again.Author's Response: Hey ;) I just finished your review too hehe.
Thanks, I'm glad Dom's come across as a dark character, I think this story's going to show the readers the disturbed mind she's planned to have.
Yes, That's come up before. I didn't realise that when I'd wrote it and I think I'll get around to editing that. Thanks for the comments, I'll take into consideration what you've said and I especially like the suggestion. :P
The length was short because I didn't want the prologue to be too short ;P hehe.
Oh wow, I'm glad you liked the summary, I think thats always one of my weak points - I can never seem to draw people in, So I'm glad that it helped it out abit. Maybe I'm better at this dark-writing than I thought I was, huh ;)?
Thanks so much!
x Report Review
Hi electricfeel here with your requested review :)
This was really fantastic. You've taken a minor character and made your reader pity him whilst explaining the atrocities he's committed. Well done, that's quite an achievement. And I love that Antonin isn't speaking to anyone and describing his feelings, the lack of dialogue only adds to it. You've approached his guilt in a more subtle and realistic way. Following the flow of his thoughts was done well too, slipping from the present to past whilst still keeping it all relevant.
I really loved the imagery of seeing the starving cat and mentioning its bones. I think it really added to the tone of this story and the darkness of Antonin's mind. It was cleverly done and I don't know if it was deliberate. I think you just knew this story so well that the tone and style of it flowed without having to overthink anything like the inclusion of a starved cat raiding through the bins. At least that's what I got from it as I read it, it all seemed so effortless and flowed beautifully.
I'm really glad you requested this, it was really good. I've added it to my favourites :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for popping by and leaving such an amazing review. =] I tried this bit with dialogue, and then felt that it didn't convey the story's meaning too well - I'm glad you seem to feel the same! And I'm relieved to hear his thoughts flowed well. *whew*
For some reason, I got really excited when that bit about the cat came out - I don't know where it actually did come from, but as soon as it did I was like, "YES." Hehehe! ^^ It definitely came from the tone of the story, I think you're absolutely correct.
Wow, another favourite! You're so sweet. ^^ I'm very glad you enjoyed this story! Report Review
Hi, electricfeel from the forums here with your review :)
Firstly, I really do salute you for tackling a complex character like Voldemort. You've managed to explore his character from his school days, to his days in Albania right through to his ascension to power, you've kept him realistic and the dialogue was handled well too.
I would have liked to have delved further into Voldemort's mind; why he's doing the things he's doing, what his thinking is. I think it may have added an extra dimension to the story but I don't think it's any worse for not having it in abundance.
Another thing I would have liked to see is more descriptions. It helps to set the scene and really brings a scene to life. I think to describe the smells, colours and items around Voldemort can enrich this already promising chapter.
Aside from that CC, I did enjoy it. You picked a fantastic subject and a fascinating era to write about it and managed it well :)Author's Response: thanks! :)
you want to know something funny, i just reread this last night and decided i was indeed going to go through and add a lot more detail because it is lacking it bigtime compared to my other one-shots!! :)
Thanks for the review and liking the story, i seem to have found out some of my best writing comes from tackling Voldemort in his tom riddle ages weird huh?!
thanks for the lovely review xx jess Report Review
Hi electricfeel from the forums with your requested review :)
This is really sad! But also written beautifully. You're style of writing is quite clever with a lot of short, snappy sentences. There's no flowery language and long-winded paragraphs, it works really well because of George's silence throughout which seems to be mirrored by the style of writing used. Speaking of mirrors, the part with the mirror was especially sad, as well as Harry's reference to his own experiences with mirrors.
I liked how you ended it, with the tiniest glimmer of hope. I think it was the perfect way to finish it off.
Anyway, I really enjoyed this, feel free to request again :)Author's Response: Thank you for your gorgeous review :)
Emi xx Report Review
Hi, sorry I was a little late in getting to your review, life's been a little hectic.
First off, I really loved the dialogue throughout; it's witty, realistic and it all flows nicely. It's easy to get lost in the conversaton and you're descriptions in between bring the scene to life. I especially loved your characterisation of Astoria and how much she differs from Ginny. The contrast of these two characters in Hermione's life certainly added a whole new layer to the story and keeps it fresh and interesting.
I noticed two itty bitty grammar errors:
"What is it?" she asked snippily, rising a brow. - "raising" perhaps?
"You pig! Stop throwing with food!" - I think "stop playing with your food" or "stop throwing food" would sound better :)
It is a little long like you said which definitely gave you more room to really open up the scenes, none of it felt rushed, I would be wary of not making it long for the sake of being long, however. That hasn't been the case in this chapter though. Overall, it's an interesting start :)Author's Response: Thank you so much, electricfeel!
I knew I missed a couple of grammar errors; I'm glad you pointed them out for me. I keep confusing "rise" and "raise" though I know the difference; I blame it on the grammar checker. hmpf.
Since you didn't spot other awkward sentences, I assume the rest was just okay. hehe :) Thanks again! Will request another review again some time when you're not too busy, and if it's still okay. My chapters are, indeed, very long, so I understand... :) Report Review
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