Wow, this was really good! I've never, ever, considered writing or reading about Eloise Midgen. This was just such a good read, I enjoyed every word of it.
Depsite enjoying it so much, I did find it heartbreaking. I think every girl in the world who reads this can probably relate to it on some level. We all feel like we could change bits about ourselves, we all want to be more beautiful. But Eloise's real lack of confidence just tore at my heart. You've really managed to potray her sadness so well. The part where she was praying was just so tragic, I could have cried. It was such beautiful writing.
Another part I absolutely loved was with Roger Davies, when she comments on how something so cruel could come from such a beautiful mouth. There was something really profound about that. Despite writing about a world that may be a little far-fetched, you've woven a subject into that world that may be seen as a "Muggle" subject and proved that actually, it goes beyond that; it's a human problem. We all want to be beautiful. We think life will be easier if we're beautiful.
I feel like I'm gushing on and on and going off on a tangent, but just know that I absolutely loved this. Props to you for taking such a misunderstood and neglected character and turning into one the reader actually relates to and likes. :)Author's Response: Aww...thank you! :) I'm glad you enjoyed it! :)
I completely agree with you. I think that is why the first chapter came out so deep and heartfelt, because I could really relate to it as well. Who doesn't want to look pretty, right? I've read quite a few fics, where the main character doesn't even care what she looks like (I'm guilty of a few of them myself :P), so I thought this would be a little different venture. I'm glad you could relate to it so well too! :) That part where she prayed was actually taken from my real life experience; it does feel a little tragic if you can understand just how desperate Eloise is. :)
Exactly. And Eloise does feel that pretty people get away with saying cruel things, because, well...they are pretty.
Thanks! thanks! thanks! This review made my day! It was so lovely! Thankyou so much for taking time to read and review! :) Report Review
Hi, electricfeel here from the forums with your review.
Your writing is very good, it all flows well and is easy to get lost in. The characterisation is strong and realistic. I really like how you've jumped from day 368 to day 1, that's an interesting technique that I think will work very well.
The plot does seem great, however, I think you may have introduced too many layers all at once. The first chapter and second chapter seem to be completely unrelated. Some characters have been completely altered or even deleted. Although, all of this could lead to an extremely interesting and unique story, I think it needs to slow down a little. I read from your other replies to reviews that you like to confuse the reader. That's understandable, we all want the reader to be so intrigued and confused by a storyline that they just HAVE to read the next chapter. However, by adding too many layers I think some readers may find it too complicated and it can actually be off-putting. That's just my opinion, however, and maybe chapter three will make everything a little clearer and I'll take back what I've said here :)
I did like how many regions of the castle were wrote about; the lake, the common rooms and especially the portraits. That was a great touch. I really do think this has the potential to be a very strong story with an interesting and intelligent plot.
Anyway, I hope this review helped in some way :)Author's Response: Hello ^_^ I'm glad you took the time to come back and read this again for me ^_^
:O Really :) I like you, your welcome back anytime you want :) *Hands cookies* I always wanted to do a backwards story, as that is what I call them, where the start is so forward that the story needs to go back for a reader to understand everything. I like reading stories like that so I thought I would try one.
The Layer I find too be a bit of an issue as well, while I was re-reading I kind of noticed a little of what you where talking about, but the majority of the confusion will be all better in the next chapter as A Lot more is revealed and you understand the new world that the Hogwarts students are living in, so Some of what you said will have to be taken back :P lol . xxx
The regions of the castle were a struggle, I'm not gonna lile. The Portraits where hard as was the scene with Fred - Poor Bugger - it was all so hard that I was really nervous about posting it ^_^ But i'm glad you liked it :)
Thank you soo soo much, and you are always a big help ^_^ xx
~Karni. xx Report Review
This was absolutely brilliant. Truly. It was bittersweet and you captured the grief of George brilliantly. I think what I liked most about this, however, was Ron's handling of the situation. I think you were spot on in his characterisation. I can imagine Ron reacting exactly like this.
I also feel you managed to capture the rapport between the two brothers, even in their grief. It was very endearing and heartwarming, despite the tragedy of the subject matter.
"Ron knew how to handle Harry because, when he thought about it, they were basically two different halves that made up a whole person. Ron was just starting to tread into the murky waters of handling Hermione, and there were plenty of mishaps that proved he didn't have his bearings."
For some reason, I really liked this part. I think it was because I was partial to the little mentions of Hermione. Overall, though, the real strength in this one-shot was how realistic it was. I mean this in terms of the characterisation, the grief, the realities of the aftermath of the war, etc.
Fantastic writing :)Author's Response: Goodness, I'm sorry it has taken me so long to reply to. Especially because you were so kind! I'm glad that the emotions I tried to get across were effective. Ron is one of those characters I'm never quite sure if I'm doing him right, so him being characterized well was really great to hear.
That's one of my favorite passages in the story too.
Thanks so much for your review! I appreciate it a lot! Report Review
Hi, electricfeel here from the forums with your review :)
This was another great chapter. Your characterisation is very believable which I think is a real strong point in your writing here. The relationships between each of the marauders as well as their relationship with your own OC all seems very plausible. I even found the way the characters interacted with one another very well written.
The plot seems to be coming along nicely. Although there's not much plot development within this chapter, instead we are getting a more detailed insight into the characters and their feelings and relationships, which is always great. It's a good pace to go at. Your writing has such an easy and enjoyable flow too.
I really can't stress enough how much I think your characterisation is spot on though. I think that's what makes this story brilliant. It's what allows your story to stand out from the others. You certainly have a very strong opening few chapters. I'm really intrigued by this plotline now and how it will all end.
Hope this review helped, and feel free to request again :)Author's Response: Thanks so much for being willing to come back, it means a good deal to me that you agreed. :D I work very hard on trying to get everyone as canon as possible and the fact that you appreciate it as you do makes me very, very happy. :3
I'll certainly drop by once again when you have a slot, your reviews are wonderful and I really, really thank you for them. Report Review
Hi, electricfeel from the forums here with your rather late review.
I absolutely adored this. I loved the way you managed to convey the bleakness of it all in your writing. It's really dark and I especially love how the vampires haven't been romanticised at all! Vampires are supposed to be dark, they feed on us humans. They don't sparkle and watch us sleep at night!
The plot itself is really unique. The whole idea of having your number called out is incredibly eerie. I also liked how you went into details about the way humans were basically a commodity, I found that really interesting to read actually. It completely captured my attention.
I feel like, although this is only the first chapter, you've really went into a lot of detail. Discussing the changes in weather, for example. I also loved the part about the "crazies" that was a really fantastic touch too. All these little descriptions here and there completely add to setting the whole tone of your story, if that makes sense? It really helps to solidify the darkness of it all.
As for believability - well in the world of Harry Potter, anything is possible really! But, with the snippets of information you've given the reader in this chapter, you've made the idea of vampires taking over very plausible. You've given us a little background information that you as a writer can build upon. But, I think that even if you don't, it would still read as being believable.
I really can't wait to read more of this, so please, feel free to request again!Author's Response: Hi there! No worries about the late review... I completely understand how that goes. ^_^
I'm really thrilled you liked it. It's supposed to be really dark, or at least this prologue is because the reality of their world is that it's dark, and bleak and there doesn't seem to be any hope. I hope to always keep that dark edge, at least until the story has progressed more!
Thank you! (: I'm glad you thought the plot was unique... I haven't seen hardly any vampire stories that weren't crossovers on the site, and even in actual published material there are hardly that focus on the vampire world having taken over the human world. They're always in hiding, if you know what I mean! So that was always an interesting angle to me!
And I agree. I feel as if there would be nothing more degrading than not even being known by a name anymore-- you are simply a number. And that's it. But for vampires it seems as if that's how they would treat humans and the wizards who ignored their existence for so long.
That's another thing I'm working on. I really set my goal to include a lot of description. I feel like it can honestly make or break a story, and for me, it's tough sometimes to find the right balance, but I'm glad you felt like I did. Maybe sometime, I'll dedicate a chapter just to you in the POV of one of the crazies ;) But thank you!
And this is true. I just can't stand stories that sound SO interesting and then you click on them and they're either not written well enough to be believable or they're just... I don't know, haha. I'm actually in the works of after is completed, creating a sort of prequel for this story that's set 200 years in the past of this story and will be in the point of view of the lead vampire, but then again, that's me! Always planning another story before I even have all of this one thought out! :P
I will definitely let you know when I've posted the first real chapter, hopefully it doesn't disappoint! :)
-VioletBlade Report Review
Hi, electricfeel here from the forums with your review. Sorry for the delay in getting this to you, my internet was down for a while.
Anyways, I think this is a really interesting premise for a story. I don't think I've come across a story where the marauders go forward in time, it's something different and that's always a good thing!
I think the story flowed fine and your characterisation seems good too. I noticed a few little grammar errors but they weren't so huge that they distracted me from the actual story, just small ones that you might catch yourself if you give the chapter a little read over.
But, overall, it's a promising start! Hope this review helped :)Author's Response: Thanks for your kind review! I enjoyed reading it! Report Review
Hi electricfeel from the forums here with your review. I'm so sorry for the wait, my internet broke for a while there, but I'm finally back online. YAY!
I think my favourite thing about this is how well it fits into canon. It's quite cleverly done and it makes it easier to understand Narcissa's pain and worry. I also like Persephone, I feel like we saw two sides to her, the side that takes charge and is strong, like when she shouts at the Healer, or when she speaks to Narcissa. But we also see her softer, more submissive side when she speaks to Healer Turov. It's an interesting combination.
I'm also really interested to see how working at Hogwarts will turn out. I imagine it would be an interesting job anyway, but I'm left wondering how it will tie into the plot with the Malfoys (that's if it even does!).
Overall, it was a good opening chapter, but, I felt like it wasn't amazing. I feel like there was a little something missing. Your grammar was all fine and you did leave it on a cliffhanger. But I think because we know what happens next with Snape, it doesn't seem all that surprising. I do think, however, that most readers would give it a chance, because your writing is quite good and it is an interesting premise.
Anyways, I did enjoy it and I hope my review was helpful :)Author's Response: Hello!! Thank you for writing such an encompassing review. It's been ridiculously helpful and I plan on making changes right away.
Thank you, I'm glad you like Persephone. I was afraid I had fallen into the cliche of making a "perfect" OC.
Oh, you'll get to see how it all ties together! =]
Hmm, I hadn't thought about that. I was focusing so much on the romance of the story I hadn't even considered how dull it might be because I stick so close to the cannon. I will try to spice things up a bit. Thank you for the tip!
Your review was very helpful!! Thank you so much!! Report Review
Hi electricfeel here again with your requested review.
Wow, this is so different from the prologue, yet I enjoyed it just as much. I'm now even more intrigued, especially as to how the prologue and your first chapter relate to each other as they seem like they could be two entirely different plots. You seem to definitely have a real talent when it comes to keeping your readers guessing and I really like that. It's a great writing technique when done well.
I loved all of the characters in this chapter and the little bouts of background information now and then. I really loved your characterisation of Caine. I loved how he wasn't the troubled genius, but in fact, a bit of a loser. That was a great touch!
Your descriptions of the crime scene were really gory. I'm not usually a fan of gore, but God, I loved it here. I think it really helped to establish just how horrific the crime scene really was. The opening paragraphs were especially fantastic. Also, having the victim be someone the reader is familiar with, again, I feel this really soldifies the crime as tragic and horrible and makes the reader feel that anger that is usually associated with particularly vicious crimes. Some may not particularly like a character like Parvati, but like Audrey says, you don't ever want to find them like that! I just felt that it took away the glamour of death that seems to occur in the Harry Potter fan fiction world.
I really have absolutely nothing negative to say about this. Just keep doing what you're doing because it is definitely working. I can't remember the last time I read a story so interesting! Report Review
Hi, electricfeel here with your requested review :)
First off, I have to comment on how well your writing flows. It's really easy to just get lost in the characters and the descriptions and the story itself. So, props to you there :)
Now, I have to be honest and say that I don't read many "fifth marauder" stories. Mostly, that's because Peter's always the villian, Remus always has his head in a book, Sirius is always a troublemaker, one of them has always secretly been in love with the OC, etc. But, I think I enjoyed this because your characterisation was actually done very well. I believed them and thought that they were written realistically. I also liked the tidbits we got from Beth's life, I hope we will see her open up more and learn more about her as the story progresses.
I did read your description, but then I must have misread it, because I somehow thought she was in love with James. Therefore, I really liked the ending. A marauder being in love with Snape seems entirely unlikely though, but I trust your writing, if that makes sense? I think only few could make it work, and maybe, you could be one of them. So, I'm actually looking forward to seeing how that fits into and affects the strong relationship she clearly already has with the boys.
Anyway, I would say that this story has pleasantly surprised me. If you hadn't requested a review, I probably would never have chosen to read it, so I'm really glad you did request because I think you may have proven my anti fifth marauder attitude wrong ;)
Feel free to request again anytime! And I hope this review helped.Author's Response: That is a lovely compliment, and I am proud to have earned it. :) I hope to break the mold, as it were, with fifth Marauder stories -- or, at least, to remove a tidbit of the cliche associated with it.
Beth is firmly friends with all four boys, and she liked Snape before becoming a Marauder, so it's a bit of an oxymoron. I am glad to hear you enjoyed the story!
Thank you for your awesome review! Report Review
Hi, electricfeel here with your requested review :)
I thought this was a really good chapter. Describing the process of how the letters were delivered was a really nice touch and a nice way to begin your story.
My heart soared when I read Severus having a nice family life! To have a stable family and such a loving mother was just so lovely to read. I adored the little bits of information given to us about his mother and where Snape's interest in potions began. it was just so endearing!
I also loved the fleeting scene with James Potter. That was a great touch, it really reinforces the idea of how you have switched the personalities. Does this mean that James will be nice to Snape? That would be interesting to see! Haha.
Adding the small touch with the bag of money meant your story ended on a slight cliffhanger, it was a great way to pique the interest of readers. However, I think the way you've written this story would be enough to interest any reader back for chapter two.
I noticed no spelling and grammar issues and it all flowed well. I hope this review helped and feel free to request again :)Author's Response: Hey there!
So glad you like the story so far! People seem to like the bit about the letters, and it was certainly fun to imagine would it would be like "behind the scenes" and write about it.
Yes, I always feel so awful for poor Severus, so I jumped at the chance to write a story in which he could get a fair shake. I really wanted to emphasize his relationship with his mom, so I combined the attachment shown to her in canon (with the Prince moniker) with the happy family I wrote as part of the switch.
I'm glad you liked the Potter moment. A lot of people were confused by it, but I just added it in as a little detail. Unfortunately, he's not a big part of the story, but it would definitely be interesting to see him getting friendly with Snape. Great idea! :)
I'm also glad you were happy with the ending, and that my writing is ... enticing? Thanks :)
I may just return to you with a re-request. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!
academica Report Review
Hi, electricfeel here from the forums with your review.
I absolutely loved this. It was intriguing, original, well researched, well written etc. It was just a fantastic first chapter. I was completely lost in the story from the very first paragraph. I have to be honest and say that I didn't like the movie Inception! So I was a little wary when I read this had been inspired by it, but I had absolutely no reason to worry.
The story flows so well, as I mentioned, I was completely lost in it. The descriptions were fantastic, especially the room with the beds. I just absolutely adored the imagery of it all, the tubes, the different beds, the people. Brilliant. "His skin was stretched parsimoniously over his beaky nose and high cheekbones, giving him the gaunt appearance of an emaciated crow" -- this was just such a fantastic line!
Another thing I love was the setting. I don't think I've ever read a story on HPFF based in Delhi. Can I ask why you chose there?
I was a little lost as to who the character actually was. I guess that was what you were after? All along I was imagining Percy until the final line "What do death eaters dream of?" So now I'm really intrigued!
Anyways, I'm sorry this review isn't more constructive, but I don't think there is anything I would change about it. Feel free to request again :)Author's Response: Wow, thanks for for quick--and complimentary!--review. I'm glad you picked out that line...it's my absolute favorite as well. ^_^ As for why I chose Delhi...mainly, it was because one of the more important characters in the story is part of a sect of Hinduism called the Aghori, so I thought a little intro to his background would be useful. Also, part of my family is from South Asia, so I have some experience with that part of the world.
Unfortunately, this is a prologue--so the story doesn't stay in India, nor does it stick with the characters introduced. They will all reappear though, and you'll learn who "Emma" and "the deatheater" are soon!
I hope you aren't too disappointed by the next chapters, which are a bit different from the prologue--I would love to hear more of your compliments! o'.'o
xoxo wenderbender Report Review
Hi electricfeel here from the forums with your review.
I think this is my favourite chapter so far. The use of the tarot cards to delve further into the characters was very cleverly done, it's such a simple idea but it works so well! I wish I had thought of it. I'm also interested to see the impact Paisley will have on the story from now on.
The dream at the end was also great, I loved how the Justice card never once changed, that was a great touch.
Anyway, I thought this ws a great chapter and I really enjoyed it!Author's Response: :) Thank you so, so much, and I'm glad you enjoyed it! Report Review
Hi electricfeel from the forums here with your review.
You do descriptions really well, I could picture almost every square inch of Severus' living space. However, I think it is possible to go overboard on the descriptions. Much of it helped to reinforce the idea the Snape was everywhere, the rooms were very much his and I believe the way you described them would be pretty much the way Snape would have had it. I would just be wary not to go on too much as it could bore the reader.
In saying that, I liked that there was no dialogue in this. To me (and I may be alone in this) I felt that it reinforced Snape's absence. She is alone in Snape's rooms and so has no one to talk to. I felt the lack of dialogue helped to solidify the lonliness she may have felt.
I have said before, and I've seen it mentioned in other reviews, that I have my problems with this ship and the omission of certain crucial elements (such as Harry and Ron etc. Although I loved them being mentioned at the beginning). But I also see from your replies that this could be treated as an AU. In that case, I think you have a very strong story here, but I do think it caters to those who do ship Hermione/Severus and not to everyone. But that's fine and I wish you the best of luck with your story :)
Hope this review helped!Author's Response: Lol. I tend to hate a lot of description as well. I forced myself to add more details after numerous reviews from my other 4 stories stating I did'nt give enough description lol. Where is the fine line? LOL
Thank you so much for your kind words, and I understand that Sevmione is not for everyone. I do apriciate you taking to review regaurdless and very much apriciate your kind words! Thanks! *HUGS* Report Review
Hi, electricfeel here from the forums with your review :)
I really did enjoy this. First chapters are usually tricky as you have to find a way to pull your reader into the story but also not give them too much information that they have no reason to read the next chapter. I think you managed it perfectly. There was a lot of action and tension that really leapt from the page (screen?) and I was hooked. I really don't think you have to worry about the adrenaline rush of the boys, I think you portrayed it well. I certainly was willing them to safety, I couldn't tear my eyes away until I knew they were ok!
As for the ending, well, what a cliffhanger with so, so many unanswered questions! Like why are Draco and Seamus embracing like old friends? What's wrong with Hermione? (As a side not -- is the change in colour to her eyes part of the plot?) Who are these chasers? Why is Seamus the leader? Etc, etc. It's definitely piqued my interest and I am so intrigued to know more.
I don't usually like Dramione's but you said this story will be exploring friendship between them. That really, really interests me. And judging solely on this chapter, I believe you have potential to do that friendship justice.
I hope this review was helpful and please feel free to request again :)Author's Response: Hey ^.^ Thank you for stopping by :)
I'm glad you enjoyed the first chapter. Nawww, did I really? Thank you *inserts hug here* Hooked? What is that word? ;)
They are sort of okay aren't they :P x
Unanswered question is my trait :) I love cliffhangers well to write, but I hate reading them myself :P Its just a trait I have that I can't seem to get out of ^.^ Naugty me >.< Your guess for the Plot line is correst :) Chasers are Evil :P Seamus is the leader of another group, Hmm maybe that wasn't clear enough.
I promise there is No Dramione, only friendhsip, there is a passionate kiss but other than that it is purely based on friendship :) Promise.
It has helped me :) In more ways then one ^.^ Thank you !! xx Report Review
Hi, electricfeel here from the forums with your incredibly late review (I'm so sorry!).
God, I absolutely loved this. Historical fiction tends to be my favourite, and I'm always so interested to see writers try something completely different on HPFF. This is certainly a unique premise for a story. I can pretty much guarantee I will not come across another story even slightly similiar. For that, you get my highest praise.
The plot itself is so interesting. The idea of a young wizard being drafted to fight in a very Muggle war is so intriguing. I can't wait to read how he copes!
Even though we know little about your main character, I find him already interesting. I can see that he is obviously fond of his mother, family and Muggle life, yet has a true fondness for Hogwarts and the friends he met there. It's nice to meet a character who appreciates both sides of the divide.
Anyway, I really enjoyed this and believe it is a very promising start. Feel free to request again and I promise you won't wait so long for a review next time!Author's Response: Oh, that's quite alright m'dear! I absolutely appreciate your review no matter how late it is! :)
I'm SO pleased you enjoyed it! I'm sort of smiling stupidly with all of your compliments!
Thank you thank you thank you thank you! :) Report Review
Hi electricfeel here with your review.
Let me just start by saying this is such an original and interesting premise for a story. I find that more and more some writers are beginning to write about the political angle of the wizarding world and I really love that. Furthermore, I really like how you've not only addressed the political wizarding life, but you've approached it from a teenager's point of view.
Speaking of a teenager's point of view, your OC Cassie is very realistic. As someone who works in politics, I know that there is no way your average teenage girl would enjoy any of it. Whilst reading her I had to allow myself a little smile remembering some personal experiences of some politicians' children being thoroughly bored. The fact that I could relate to that shows that you have a very realistic character here, so I applaud that.
The villian of your story, Callum Lester, seems an interesting character. I would be careful that you don't just reproduce Voldemort and the Death Eater's here but it is early days yet for me to be saying that. I can see how it can go in many different ways and I find it really intriguing. And his plan itself is brilliant. I can't wait to see how that works out!
I did notice a few typos here and there. In the first few lines of dialogue I noticed a few commas or full stops were missing which should have come before the closing speech marks. It does seem to only happen at the beginning, after that it doesn't seem to happen again.
Overall, you do have a really promising start here to a story that clearly has a lot of potential. I hope this review was worthwhile and please, feel free to request again :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for you review. I'm really happy you like my OC. I have so much fun writing her and all the different aspects of being the Ministers daughter.
I like Callum. I've never written an evil villain such as him before. His agenda, back story and way of working is completely different to Voldemort, although ultimately, taking control of the Ministry is his ultimate aim.
Thanks again, your review was very worth while Report Review
Hi electricfeel here with your review.
Wow, what a cliffhanger! This was a very short, sharp chapter that grabbed my attention from the very first sentence. It's an interesting premise, to throw two enemies back together after so many years. I especially like how you have Draco, who is probably a more proud character than Harry, being the one asking for help.
Yet, despite the seriousness within this story, there were still a few moments that had me smiling. The lines after Draco asks for help especially. I can see that you're mixing humour throughout your writing and although this is a short snippet of things to come, I think it works.
One thing I would say, however, is that it is short. Personally, I think it works to set up your story, but I wouldn't advise it in following chapters.
That being said, I did enjoy this. It's an interesting premise like I said, and it has certainly piqued my interest. Feel free to request again :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to review. I was really skeptical about the chapter because I haven't written in a while, so thank you for the input. I'm glad you liked the premise, the bits of humor and I will try and make the future chapters longer to include more. Thanks again. :) Report Review
Hi electricfeel here with your review.
It's nice when people write about Lucius and Narcissa, it's done pretty rarely so I was quite pleased when I saw that :)
I liked how the emotions in the story switched. The way you've described Narcissa's joy was really endearing and I loved the backstory you've given to their relationship, it helps to develop an understanding for Narcissa. Her tolerance for the way Lucius treats her can obviously be interpreted as love and naivety. Again, you've helped to develop sympathy from the readers for a usually unsympathetic character (Narcissa).
When Narcissa catches Lucius the whole tone of the story changes and I really liked that. The emotions of Narcissa are realistic in that moment when the perfect world she had built became nothing more than a fairy tale. I think her emotions at the end, however, were absolutely perfect. As a reader I can sense the changes in her as a person already, and it would explain how she becomes a little colder later on and already touches on her utter devotion to her child. That part was my favourite :)
The only thing I would say is that it is clear you still have such potential to grow as a writer, and I really mean that in the best way possible. With continuous writing you will only improve and your writing will become more complex. You certainly have a very solid foundation to build upon as your writing is already at a high standard.
Anyways, I enjoyed this, it was an emotional rollercoaster! And please feel free to request again :)Author's Response: Hi!!
OMG, this totally made my day!! Thanks a ton for this wonderful review! I'm so flattered that you think the story was good and that you found it of a high standard!
I'll keep working on my writing!
Thanks a lot once again!
AD Report Review
Hi BrightStar, electricfeel here with your review finally. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get to this, I can only apologise profusely!
This was a cute story. I really liked the structure of it. The way each story linked to the next was cleverly done. I was also pleasantly surprised that you explored the different forms love can take, it wasn't all romantic relationships. This was a really lovely aspect of this story and helped make it a little unique.
I also liked how, despite only writing a few paragraphs on each character, you managed to exhibit the characters personality. As you know, I'm not huge on next-gen characters but as a reader I could see the youth in Dominique, the spoiltness of Victoire etc. It's really good writing.
The different storylines themselves were done well too. My favourite was probably Gabrielle. She's rarely ever explored as a character and I love how you made her life so imperfect despite her obvious perfections. It was so unusual to see this and I really, really liked that.
I think as a writer, you obviously have great potential. It seems to me that continuing to write will only refine the skills you already possess. Again, I am so sorry regarding the long wait and I can only hope this review made up for it!Author's Response: Hi! No worries about the delay, it was worth the wait to get this review. It's made me so, so hapy - especially your view that I have potential!
So glad you liked the story, despite the next gen parts. I was nervous about the structure, and about Gabrielle as a character, I was so very happy both worked!
Thanks so much! :D Report Review
Hi electricfeel here with your review finally. I can only apologise profusely at the length of time its taken me to get round to this!
It was so great to come back to another chapter of this. It's fast becoming one of my favourites on HPFF. Firstly, I actually really liked the ending of the chapter and although I haven't seen the original, I think you have made the right decision to shorten it. 7000 words can sometimes throw too much information into the mix at the one time and be a lot to digest.
If this was on paper and not on a computer screen, I would have pulled out my highlighter and highlighted the paragraph where you described Grindelwald. Honestly, such fantastic writing. It is the absolute example of a well-written description. Even the opening line -- "He was older than she had expected, although age had handled him gently" it is so simply but I just loved it!
I've seen writers set up a character really fantastically before, for it all to crumble when it came to actually writing the character. Thankfully, this hasn't been the case here. Gellert is everything I expected. He's extremely clever, calculating, a true soldier and there's something about him I suspect I will never completely trust. The unexpected guests at the end was a great tool to show just how ahead of the game he can be. Really great.
The plot is so layered and is developing some complexity now. There are so many relationships just waiting to be explored, so many subplots unfurling and so many characters waiting to be developed. It really ensures that readers will return. I'm just finding this to be a really intelligent story if that makes sense.
I don't think you'll ever request a review for this story from me and I'll leave anything scathing. I just adore this story too much. I wish I had written it. I do hope you request again, and I promise I won't leave it so long to review next time.Author's Response: Hello electric feel,
Oh my! What an amazing review. I feel so spoiled by your wonderful feedback. Thank you so much! Your kind comments and encouragement really made my day. I'm so, so, so glad to hear that you're enjoying this story.
And please don't apologize for not reviewing right away. I completely understand how crazy RL can get. To be honest, the last few weeks have been terribly hectic for me (which is why it took me forever to post this reply), so I certainly know what it feels like to not have enough time in the day. ;)
Now, let's see if I can form a coherent reply to your fabulous review. I have to admit, my review responses tend to be a bit rambling, so please forgive me! I'm so pleased to hear that you thought it was a good idea to cut this chapter in half. After I finished writing the first draft, I saw the tremendous word count and thought "Wow, even I wouldn't have the patience to read all this!" Hehe. Although, as I mentioned in my author's note, I was slightly worried that the break would seem abrupt. I suppose that's because I always obsess over transitions and what-not. ^_^
Also, I was absolutely thrilled to hear that you liked Grindelwald. And you're right not to trust him completely. He's not a bad guy, per say, although he does have a few interesting tricks up his sleeve that should keep Portia on her toes. When it comes down to it, Grindelwald really is the better politician. He can outwit Portia when it comes statesmanship and tact, however, Portia definitely outstrips him as a soldier.
And I'm glad you liked my description of Grindelwald. To be honest, I was picturing him as looking a little bit like Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lector, haha.
Again, thank you so much for the awesome review! I was deliriously happy to receive your feedback. ^_^ I hope you have a great week. Take care and be well!
celticbard Report Review
Hi electricfeel here back for another review. I am so, so sorry that its taken me a whole month to get to this! I have never left my review thread that long, but a lot has been going on in real life.
Anyways, I did get the feeling that this was a little bit of a filler chapter. I know that every chapter doesn't have to contain a huge plot development, but I felt that this chapter was missing just a little something. Brienne's opening up a little could perhaps be developed more, along with the relationship between her and George. We only really know that there has been flirting (and obviously quite open flirting if others have noticed) through her conversation with the other girls.
However, the playfulness of the twins is something you have again portrayed. And all grammar, sentence structure etc seems fine.
Hope this helped, and again, I'm so sorry for the long wait :)Author's Response: :) Hi! Thanks for the tips, and no worries about the wait, just receiving a review at any time is great! :D Thanks again! Report Review
Hi, electricfeel here with your requested review.
I actually really enjoyed this! And I have to be honest and say that it took me by surprise. I tend to enjoy stories very different to this, it's so unlike stories that I would normally read or write myself. But, it's a lot of fun. Your characterisation of James seemed to me, to be pretty spot on. Especially of a younger James. He's a little arrogant and big-headed, but really he has a big heart and is a nice kid. I think actually, as the chapter developed, your characterisation of James became my favourite part of it.
I thought his infatuation with Lily certainly provided some comedic value at the start; I cringed for him when he started reciting Shakespeare! Haha. But, as the story developed, his feeling for her became really endearing, it was a cute development.
Now, the only thing I'm not completely sold on, however, is the ending. I, personally, enjoy the odd cliffhanger now and then and although the second chapter seems a little early for a cliffhanger, it may well work. But, I was still so wrapped up in the storyline between Lily and James that I wanted that to develop more before new subplots were added, if that makes sense? I feel like any action sequences could maybe have been postponed until a little later.
However, I am keeping an open mind with this as I have yet to read the next chapter. For all I know I could enjoy the new development as much as I enjoyed this chapter.
So, overall, it was a good chapter. I did actually really enjoy it. I look forward to reading more, feel free to request again! :)Author's Response: Thank you for reading and reviewing! :)
For me, they both have to change if the relationship will work. James had to mature to prove to Lily that he was serious about her, but Lily has to mature and realise that her entire life isn't about other people! So, I kept James being cheeky and a little arrogant, but a lot more mature in other ways.
About the cliffhanger: I wwanted to show that with Lily and James, it's never going to be easy. There are always going to be other things getting in the way, especially the war. They never had a chance to be young, and I really want to get that across. I'll try to spend more time developing the relationship though, so thank you :)
I'll be sure to rerequest :) Thank you once again! :D Report Review
Hi, electricfeel here with your requested review :)
First, this is such an interesting premise for a story. I have never came across a story that takes place inside Azkaban. I can see why many people might avoid writing it, but you've really taken a chance here and I truly think it has paid off.
This was very well written. You've managed to capture the horrors of Azkaban and of the dementors. The part where Sirius sees himself at Godrics Hollow but the woman is screaming in Azkaban was one of my favourites. You really managed to translate the power of the dementors, bravo.
"Some started muttering incoherently, others looked confused and shaken, and one loud "HA!" had most certainly come from his cousin. Sirius shuddered, and raised an eyebrow when the faces slowly sunk back into the shadows. " -- I also really liked this part. I love how Bellatrix is subtly mentioned for the hardcore HP fans, and the "faces that sunk back into the shadows" is such a startling image to leave the reader with.
Now, the only thing I do think you need to work on is grammar. All spelling is pretty much spot on. And when I say grammar, I don't think your grammar is particularly poor, it just seems like there are just small mistakes that you may have missed. I feel like just to read through a few more times would help, or to read it aloud even. Because, otherwise this chapter would be near perfect, there's just this tiny little flaw which is so easy to fix.
Anyway, I really hope this review helped. Feel free to request again :)Author's Response: Hi Electricfeel! First off, I really am so very sorry for taking so long to respond - my computer has been crashing a bit these past few weeks :(. Your review means a lot so I do hope that you forgive me and my lousy computer.
Thank you! I have never written an entire chapter about Sirius before, so this was very new for me. I think what attracted me to this type of story was because there aren't many around. :)
Is it creepy that I have always found Dementors easy to write? I love the darkness that they hold hehe :P I'm glad you liked that part â it was something that I wasn't entirely sure about!
Well, you can't write about Azkaban and not mention dear old Bella! Hehe I'm a huge Bella fan so I had to include her :P I wanted that line to be creepy! I'm so pleased you liked it!
Thanks for pointing the grammar mistakes out - all has been fixed now :3
Ah, thank you so very much for this amazing review, and once again I am so sorry for this very late reply. I greatly appreciate the time you took to read this! :)
-Elizabeth Report Review
Hi, electricfeel here with your requested review. You didn't specify which chapter you would like me to review so I'm reviewing the first, I hope this is ok!
First off, your banner and summary were just so alluring! The banner itself is beautiful and the summary really drew me in, you've helped to set your story up as exciting and action-packed. It's a fine example of how a story summary should be done.
I really loved the first few paragraphs, your main character seems very likeable and I especially loved the way you highlighted how different her life will be now that Dumbledore is dead and the war has begun. It's very true that life for her will be extremely different and I liked how you pinpointed this early on in your story.
The first few paragraphs really seem to be where your writing shines, you've set up your story well and the flow and pace of it worked brilliantly. I feel that when you use dialogue, however, it begins to feel a little bit rushed. It's not a major flaw or anything, it's just a little thing that I think could be worked on to really develop your writing skills and take your story to the next level.
Overall though, it's a very strong beginning. You've set up your characters and plot well and definitely offered enough mystery to encourage readers to read on. Well done!
Anyway, I really hope this review helped :)Author's Response: Hey! Sorry about the non-specification, I realised that after I posted the request, but the first chapter's fine :)
Thanks! I can't take any credit for the banner obviously, but I'm glad the summary was effective :)
I do have a tendency to abandon description once I get into action and dialogue but I hadn't really noticed it, so thanks for picking up on that. I'm glad I got the introduction to the character right, and thank you for your comments on the first few paragraphs, they made my day. Thank you so much for the review and I'll keep what you've said in mind :) Report Review
Hi, electricfeel here with your requested review :)
Firstly, I really loved how you showed it from the Slytherin's point of view and how they were prejudiced against due to the war. It's not something I tend to come across a lot in stories but it's very likely that this attitude remained after the war. So I really enjoyed that aspect of it.
I think you managed to capture the young, teenage girl in love with someone she feels she shouldn't be. It was believable despite it being quite an odd ship. And I enjoyed your characterisation of Astoria, she seemed intelligent and her friendship with Daphne was endearing. It's nice to see any of those characters written in a postive way, they don't tend to be very often.
I would have liked if you had included a little more description. Setting the scene can really help bring your writing to life, and not a lot of descriptions are really needed. Just a little would be enough :)
You did handle the inner monologue quite well, it did seem to flow into an almost constant stream of thoughts. It was well done.
Overall, it's a story with a lot of real potential. I actually really liked the ship and thought you handled your characters well. There's just something missing. Adding a little description perhaps could help as well as developing the characterisation of your minor characters a little more.
Anyway, I hope this review helped :)Author's Response: Hi! Thank you, and I'm very sorry for taking so long to respond.
That's good to hear, thanks! It was... definitely something else to write as well. And I think you're right, such an attitude can't be changed just by losing a war.
I'm glad you think that was believable :D Thank you! And it's great to hear you liked Astoria too - you're right again, characters like her don't often get portrayed in a positive way (I know I'm guilty of that myself).
Okay, thanks! I feel like my fics are either dialogue-heavy or description-heavy, but never somewhere in between. So thank you for pointing that out :) I'll try to work on that.
Thanks, I'm glad you liked the inner monologue as well :) It's good to know it wasn't too choppy or anything.
Thank you for all your kind words :) I'm very glad you liked it, even though something's missing :) And yes, the review was very helpful!
Thanks a lot for your review! Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection