Reading Reviews From Member: SeverusLove
  
167 Reviews Found

Review #1, by SeverusLoveHarry Potter and the Plot of Power: 02 Cassandra's Gift

22nd July 2014:
Panda,

Now here I am at the next chapter! *pats self on back for the mini-achievement*

So I thought I should mention this, but I really like your style of the chapter titles. I don't know why, but the two-digit numbers and then a capitalised short title format appeals to me, and your choice of chapter titles is splendid as well.

I'll start with the characterisations since I noticed a lot of nice things I enjoyed reading about in this one. Harry's distrust of the Ministry despite his working there for example, shows you have a lot of forethought as well as psychological insight towards the characters of the story.

I like how you incorporate the subtle -- [not jump into any conclusions; something he was very guilty of doing in the past] -- into the story. Especially because in my headcanon, it references to the whole issue with Severus and Harry jumping into conclusions with him since the first book. I'm glad he learned from that.

The part -- [Harry aimed his wand at Ron but resisted the urge to hex him into St. Mungo's.] -- made me laugh, but shame on Ron's supposed 'Auror reflexes' to the prank Harry played on him. What if there was an actual attack while he slept? Then again, he is rather tired and lacking sleep so I suppose he could be excused. He isn't Alastor Moody after all. (CONSTANT VIGILANCE!)

I like Dolohov's end. I mean, it's a shame for the families of those lost to his attacks, but I'm glad they eventually managed to catch him anyway. It's incredibly ironic that he could have been killed by the invention of the very creatures he'd always considered inferior. The description -- [Dolohov had been killed by either a rogue spell or bullet to the head;] -- sure paints a very pleasing image in my head about that irony and muggle and magic working together.

At first, I imagined Braxton and Miller to be select connections the magical world and muggle world had to keep tabs on each other just like the Prime Minister is, but was then disappointed to find out that Harry had decided this on his own.

It does seem like Harry to offer the portrait to the two muggle investigators instead of erasing their memory like they were assigned. You can't underestimate the bond of partnership forged by chasing a murderer together for two months. It still seems a little impractical however, to risk the International Statute of Secrecy and Harry and Ron ought to have known that. It may seem a bit small, but it is rather risky and I imagine they should have issued a little more caution and gone through the right procedures to establish them as connections.

As for Sir Podmore, it is a bit odd to have him in a portrait as opposed to the headless ghost that he is. His personality seemed to resemble a more indignant persona of Sir Cadogan in that scene. Also, the whole 'I'm not an owl' thing reminded me of the row between Ron and Harry in the fourth book with Hermione as their acting messenger. I assume you got the basis from there; I'm surprised Harry and Ron didn't seem to remember. :')

Oooh, M.A.L - I wonder what that stands for. Concerning the two hired to 'eliminate the problem'...wow, I am just in awe of their airheadedness. As much as I love Hugo and am relieved he is still alive, this seems almost too convenient. (Lucky guy.) I mean, everyone knows it's never a good idea to risk letting anyone live after an elimination mission. Especially the professionals. (Are they even supposed to be professionals?) I agree with Marion, any amount would be serious overpay for men like that.

Anyway, the plot seems to be progressing nicely. The end to each scene especially, all seem like cliffhangers, tsk, but it makes the transitions flow easier and the pacing consistent. Maybe it's because I watch too many crime movies like CM and CSI, but I was particularly drawn to the scene in the morgue. All those familiar muggle terms and pathology briefing procedures were very comforting, as grotesque as the details were.

[I was just finishing up with him the moment you walked in.] -- that phrase was chilling to read and the most vivid because it almost seemed to objectify the cadaver. It made the death all the more final and sad because he's already distanced, treated as just another corpse on the autopsy table. That probably is just me tho. :')

Anyway, when they pulled back the sheet and there was no immediate reaction from Ron or Harry I was instantly relieved because no matter how mangled, surely Ron would recognise his son when he sees him. That lack of reaction meant it wasn't Hugo. But then it got me wondering who it was and the mention of blonde hair made me try to recall all the characters in the HP books with blonde hair. Only Luna seemed to stand out so I began panicking again because what if it was Luna's Lorcan?

AND IT WAS LORCAN SCAMANDER. Whooops. XD I originally dismissed the idea because he seemed so normal and didn't seem to display any of the unique qualities Luna or Rolf possesses, not that I'd know that much about Rolf... But I also thought he was suspicious for kidnapping (unless there's another word for tying up and putting in the trunk of his car) Hugo and would Lorcan Scamander, son of Harry's close friend really do that? Was he a villain? But finding out he got killed changes things and there's surely a lot more to the story than you're letting on - I certainly would like to find out and have some questions answered... (I just noticed - Lorcan Scamander drives a muggle car? :O)

[stupidity had hardly any bounds.] -- is easily my favourite phrase in this chapter. You can't deny the laughter in that bit of sarcastic sense of humour. Great job again on another interesting and fun overall read! And the mystery builds! Who must be The (never-referred-to-by-name) Director? I hope I find out soon.

♥ Sevvy

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Review #2, by SeverusLoveHarry Potter and the Plot of Power: 01 For Crown and Country

14th July 2014:
Panda,

(Can I call you that? Well, I know you're Rosie, but I want to call you Panda

anyway. :P) Wooo! Lookie, the next chapter. This is rather exciting.

The starting sentences were a bit cliche, you know, about looking into her eyes and knowing she was too determined to sway. But the part after that where Ron knows and lists the steps Hermione would take in his mind - that was so them. They know each other really well and it would be such a Hermione reaction to get mad and list off her logical reasons and then give him the silent treatment. I swear, she's been doing that about anything she disapproves of since the first HP book. :')

The plot is progressing well and soundly. Again, not too much crammed into one chapter, and just enough to keep me interested. I liked the pacing. The transitions from one scene to another - muggle to magic - were a bit disruptive to the flow, but could be easily adjusted to. It had all the tones of the beginning of a story with curious questions that were raised and reaffirming the current states of the characters. And then there's the foreboding.

Merlin, I saw you status over on the forums about this story that included something about the death of one of the Next Gen characters and as soon as I got to the part about Hugo not answering their calls I got this sick sense of foreboding and hoped desperately that it wasn't going to be him. I mean, you aren't going to kill off one of the Golden Trio's children, right? I may not be very fond of Next Gen, but I do feel for the Hogwarts-era characters. :'( [If you have to kill him off though, that would make for such beautiful angst, lol.]

Your sentence structure is very simple and easy to understand, yet there's something about your descriptions that can evoke emotions and bring up images as well. It had me feeling nostalgic too going over Harry and Ron's conversation even when I haven't read about it during the fact; well done! I admire your creativity throwing in new names of OCs and giving them some sort of personality. I almost believe you have character sheets and backstories for all of them filed away. Also, perhaps it's because I enjoy reading and watching mystery books and shows that I like coming across titles such as 'Detective Chief Inspector' in the chapter. It definitely helps give off a more muggle feel incorporated in there. Also, how did you know growing out long hair is hot? Definite bonus positive points for Hugo and Charlie there.

For characterisation, as far as I know for all the canon characters, you did a very good job. The nature of Ginny and Hermione's relationship plotting together about reeling their husbands into retirement is something I could picture happening.

Everything about Ron especially I think you managed to capture perfectly. The part about him trying to not giggle like a school girl when his wife sits on his lap for example, or where he thinks his eggs and toast look naked without bacon and that his son had a lot of cheek for taking them, and the part where he notes Hermione not bothering to acknowledge that he had been ready long before her - all seems exactly like how Ron would think and are pleasantly quotable.

I like how you have Rosie calling her little brother 'Hughes' and the fact that she's together with Scorpius. Hugo's response to Ron's complaint about no one saying good morning in their house made me laugh. Very quotable. I'm starting to like this Hugo.

At first, I'd assumed the Lorcan you were referring to was Lorcan Scamander, one of Luna's twins. But then as I read on and found no mention of this nor reference to her mother or father's personalities, I remembered that the twins' names were released only recently and you might not have known during the writing of this chapter. Quite the coincidence, huh? This might bug me later on about an antagonist sharing the name of one of the DA's children. :'D

Regarding format and style, like in the first chapter there were some nitpicky stuff about consistency and dashes that can easily be mistaken for hyphens -- [when he first joined-too annoyingly] and [that had asked-almost begged it seemed- to meet] -- but if that is your personal style and you'd like to stick to it, I might just have to get over it.

For spelling and grammar issues, I may have to send to you over PM on the forums since the character limit doesn't seem like it's going to accommodate.

The length was just right and again this ends at a terrible cliffhanger. I'm starting to dread catching up with the story if only I might be left sleepless wondering about what happens next. :P

The most vivid part for me from the previous chapter has to be -- [She did, nonetheless, appreciate their sacrifice, for they had died for the sake of science. Something she could only hope for in the end of her own life.] -- that. It was chillingly intriguing especially on the part of the character. Makes me wonder how she could even think that. :') I would have told you that in the last chapter's review, but it wouldn't fit anymore, smh.

From this chapter, it has to be -- [Ron tried his best to not start giggling like a silly school girl as his wife sat on his lap and continued to kiss him,] -- that. Call me immature, but this was incredibly quotable and so humorously Ron, I couldn't not love it. Overall and in general you're doing great so far! I'll see you in the next chapter, yeah?

Best Regards,
♥ Sevvy
*bows*

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Review #3, by SeverusLoveHarry Potter and the Plot of Power: 00 Prologue

14th July 2014:
SURPRISE! Guess who it is? 8D

Yep, it's me with your (extremely) overdue reply. (Hey, at least I got around to it, right?) To make up for that, I'm going to review all four chapters, just for you. What do you say? :3

Okay, first things first, I must tell you that the summary itself had me hooked from the first moment. Putting aside the fact that I haven't been properly reeled in until now, I must commend you for a very interest-piquing summary. The idea that the purebloods' prejudice towards muggles was justified is the kind of mind-engaging twist I enjoy. Kudos on the originality. I'm sure many others have been reeled in by it too, if the review count is any indication. :'D It is especially intriguing in the way you promised to merge science, technology, and the muggle world trying to trespass on and harness the magic of the wizarding world - two very different worlds about to impact on a very strong and earth-jarring collision sure to warrant a place in history. At least that was the sense I got from reading the summary. :')

Right...what if muggles knew magic existed and tried to mimic it? Does that mean the traditional pureblood families were right to be wary of them all along?

Alright, back to the chapter at hand (which isn't actually a chapter more than the prologue), I must say, Dan has done an incredible job at tying up the loose ends on the spelling and grammar part. I know this because I've scanned over the prologue when you requested this months ago (except, I hadn't been able to get to the 'reviewing' part, imsosorry) and you did warn about awkward sentence structure back then which I did take note of. Now it seems a lot more comprehensible and flows into each other much better. Also, the soundtrack thing is new, isn't it? (Well, not really new, more like 'updated'...ugh being so late sucks, I hope I'd still be of some use tho.)

I did happen across a few slips, though. Like the part -- [in precious quick (movement.The) file] -- where there's a lack of space after the full spot.

Here also -- [a rectangular compact mirror but (in in) fact it was both her mobile] -- there are two 'in's in it where it could do with just one.

And lastly, the sentence -- [And I’m sure you’re well aware of the (activities the) first successful offspring?()] -- I believe it would flow better with the word 'of' in between the words 'activities' and 'the'. This also marks the end of Cassandra's discourse before the other person replies so there should be a closing quotation mark after the question mark.

The pacing and descriptions were very good. It wasn't rushed, nor did it drag on with unnecessary details - giving us just enough facts that would be deemed important. It was just right to keep me on the edge of my seat, eagerly reading on. I loved the mysterious tone of the whole thing. The length was just right for a prologue and ended in a terrible cliffhanger. (I'm glad I hadn't read this before the next chapter was updated. The wait would've been agonizing after that cliffhanger.)

The sentence structure was easily comprehensible, which is all I really need. As it is still the prologue, I can't say much about the progression of the plot and will have to get back to you on that. I can say, however, that for an OC, Cassandra is very interesting. Acceptable, in my standards, which is saying something considering I'm not very fond of OCs. :') She seems to be a cool, practical, science-driven young lady. Well, not entirely sure about the accuracy on that since I don't remember mention of her age, but I'm eager to follow her character development throughout the story.

The moment the door unlocked on its own and opened before her to her fascination was very relateable. I'd probably be fascinated too if magic were real, maybe even a (tad) envious. This phrase -- [They went against everything science stood for but it was real. The director’s magic was real.] -- sums up my whole fascination. I look forward with great enthusiasm to how you're going to merge these two opposite elements of magic and science.

I'm also rather curious about the director. What does he mean Harry Potter took everything from him and in return, he's going to take Harry's magic? Up to that part, the preceeding sentences sounded like something that could be taken out of a sci-fi book and suddenly I'm spiralling back into familiar territory with Harry's name being brought up. (Smh Cassandra, what do you mean 'Who is Harry Potter'? Everyone knows Harry! Shame on you.)

Based on his antagonism and magical nature, I can only assume he's related to one of the villains in the books, maybe even a son of one of the Death Eaters. But then that wouldn't make any sense because he'd have to hate muggles if he were related to anyone supporting Voldemort's cause and it would be a drastic change to find out he's now working with them to help steal the magic out of the world they were fighting so hard to protect. I suppose I'd have to wait and find out in later chapters.

For format and style, I'm probably just being nitpicky but this part -- [Mr. Alex Pettridge-subject four of that particular experiment- has] -- lacks consistency to me. The first dash has no space between the word before and after it while the latter dash has a space separating it from the word after it. You could fix that by placing spaces on both sides, or no spaces at all, in which case it might be easily mistaken for a hyphen. It would probably flow better if it were phrased as so -- [Mr. Alex Pettridge - subject four of that particular experiment - has] or [Mr. Alex Pettridge, subject four of that particular experiment, has] -- any of the two would work well.

That aside, congratulations on a very enjoyable read overall. It was a generally fun and interesting story to dwell on, I can't wait to see what you have in store for us. I'll see you in the next chapter, yeah?

Best regards,
♥ Sevvy
*bows*

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Review #4, by SeverusLoveAunt Muriel's Last Stand: Aunt Muriel's Last Stand

11th July 2014:
Hey Sian,

Oooh Weasley Family Gathering story! It's always so nice to read about the whole Weasley bunch in one place. They're all so different yet fit so perfectly into their dynamic as a family.

A fluffy story indeed! I must compliment you on your description, the first two paragraphs got the picture of a quiet, serene environment stamped clearly inside my mind and the paragraph following that sufficiently tore through that picture with chaos.

Aunt Muriel reminds me easily of Aunt Josephine from Anne of Green Gables, especially that first scene with Fred and George which greatly resembled the one about Anne and Dianna racing towards their spare bed only to find a sleeping occupant - Aunt Josephine! They're both just as strict and just as uptight which I suppose is the reason I felt sorry for Aunt Muriel's leaving their annual Christmas celebration. At first I thought she was the star in this fic, but then it turns out it was the whole family. It's a shame she left halfway. (Not that she hadn't had her fair share of screen time.) I almost feel like both herself and the kids were at fault. :'D

Your characterisation of them was perfect from the get-go. The way you showed their personality by what they chose to argue or talk about over the dining table. It was fun to see their dynamic together as a family when shoved together in one room. As we'd expect, the results are chaotic, but warm and never without a dull moment. (There is no dull moment with Fred and George to bring the life of a party!)

The pace of the story flowed very smooth, the tone evidently familial. It's also very realistic and relateable. I mean, we all have that one insufferable aunt, don't we? And the 'bad example' joker uncle? We could pick the Weasley family apart by personality and relate them to a relative any family might have. :) This takes the form and shape of those yearly family gatherings perfectly. There's warmth, chill, sweet, bitter, and everything in between.

As far as spelling and grammar, that went really well. I only managed to notice this little slip -- "...that Molly had somehow (manoeuvred), unaided..." -- Unless, well, is that how they spell it over at your end? I really wouldn't know. :')

To end, this part really made me giggle -- "We can't all have such big mouths and stomachs as you." Oh Bilius. It must be such a privilege and a burden for Ron to carry your name. Keep writing, yeah? Delve into those moments in between that were never really told or explored because you seem to have a knack for it.

Best Regards,
♥ Sevvy
( - House Cup 2014 Review -
Go Gryffies!)

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Review #5, by SeverusLoveMr. Turner : Mr. Turner

11th July 2014:
You know that sense when at first glance, you feel you share something in common with that person sitting in the next table in that cafe you visit? Yeah, I thought I had that with you. :'D

When I read the same paragraph three times in a row from the story and chapter summary and the opener of this chapter I guessed that perhaps you were drawing a blank on what would fit and creativity is really evading your grasp at the moment. See? It's not a bad thing because then I would totally understand, having gone through that myself. But then I realised they were meant to be there and it was all done in purpose. I mean, there's nothing wrong with the paragraph, just...while interesting, three consecutive times can quickly take the impact away with its repetitive nature... @_@

So, perhaps it was because I was reading this really early in the morning, but the first impression Mr. Turner gave me with the opening lines was of a very grumpy cat. Your narrative style reminds me very much of a children's book's -- with the sentence structure consisting of simple, easy to understand words of a narrator who occasionally addresses the readers. You also use a lot of metaphors and descriptive imagery in your narrative. I certainly don't mean any of these points in a negative way, but just as an observation as it is unusual. I should tell you that it's working for your story though - this style. :)

The pace flowed together really well, transitioning to the next scene with simple ease. Almost halfway into the story, however, there was this huge paragraph. It seemed a bit overwhelming considering the sizes of the paragraphs that came before and after, so I would suggest breaking it up into smaller paragraphs, maybe...

I forged on and was glad to find out it was tied to canon, since I initially assumed it was an AU-story. On I went through smooth plot progressions until I finally reached the end of the story. I'm guessing this was your intention but you must understand that by the end of it, I was thoroughly confused. "This is it?" my mind asked again and again. It had a very abrupt ending. Very realistic, very in-character - the tale of the character that could never be told turned into a moral story. Props for that.

For what I perceived to be a children's story, that was really morbid. And I ended up laughing about the whole situation. The way you phrased that last paragraph though. I didn't quite know what to think for the poor children this was written to. :')

I did notice a few discrepancies here and there with spelling and grammar - nothing a quick editing session won't fix. To point out a few, this phrase for example --

"...many would think it would (led) to a grand office" -- the verb was placed in the past tense despite the preceding requiring a future one. You could use 'lead' instead. :)

"...a wall bookshelf which housed neatly tucked away books in (extranditoary) condition. It was in such (extranditoary) condition that..." -- I don't think that word 'extranditoary' exists, but I might just be missing something. x-x

"...middle of the room of (brick read and gray stone)." -- I wasn't quite sure what you were trying to say here, but if I were to garner a guess, then maybe 'of red brick and grey stone'?

"...he worked the nerve to finally (unreveal) its secret." -- Technically, unreveal isn't a word. 'reveal' would seem like a fitting word for this, or maybe 'unravel' is what you were thinking of. ;) And of course,

"...replied Mr. Turner with (is) heart picking up pace."

Personally, I found this part: "Now, his blood was really boiling...Someone had slightly moved the framed picture a millimeter to the left." my favourite and the most vivid. This subtle hint at his temper and general OCD-ness made me giggle. I'm sure you're going to do great. I hope you keep on writing, yeah?

Best Regards,
♥ Sevvy
( - House Cup 2014 Review -
Go Gryffies!)

Author's Response: HIYA!

Yes, I reused the summary because I am awful with coming up with summaries (lol) & I didn't want to give anything else away. I tend to do that with my one-shots only though. But I completely understand what you're saying, it does lose its emphasize when reading it over & over & over.

Mr. Turner, ah, I think comparison to a cat is probably correct LOL And I wanted to steer away from the typical third POV one-shot that I typically do so I wanted to address the audience to add some creativity. BUT I am glad you think it worked.

I am glad to hear the pace & flow also worked. Yes, at the end, it was quick. I didn't want to use excessive & unnecessary diagonal b/t the two b/c I am sure bad guys aren't going to spare anyone with is usless and replaceable. I'm sorry, Mr. Turner, but it's the truth. LOL

To be honest, I am glad you laughed. I didn't want it to be so dark or dreadful. =)

AND THANK YOOOU A TOOON! for pointing out those mistakes. I intend to edit them. Thanks again so much!


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Review #6, by SeverusLoveEvent 3 - Reunion: Reunion

10th July 2014:
Oooh, a reunion between Hagrid and adult-Norberta. I'm sure everyone has fantasised of this happening, or at least wondered about it at one point or another while reading the HP books.

Reading that first sentence excited me, knowing full well what it promised and what the story had in store for me. :)

The pacing was good. Both the flow and tone was good as well and I like that you attempted a present tense narration. Somehow, it makes it feel like it's actually happening.

I barely saw anything spelling or grammar-wise, but I did notice your phrase -- "I'm Douglas McDermott" -- lacked a full stop.

Your characterisation was in line. Though I imagine it might have gone down in a less desirable manner, I could totally imagine Hagrid doing that and discarding all the safety precautions they had discussed just hours ago. ;)

I like that the dialogue and description are balanced here. The words are brief, but concise - the sentence structure fun and easy to read. The progression of plot was easy to follow and your format and style was consistent. Overall, you did a really good job!

"What he does know though, is that he feels proud." -- This has to be the most vivid portion for me and I think it sums Hagrid up quite easily. I enjoyed this read, thank you for that. You're a very talented writer. Keep it up, yeah?

Best Regards,
Sevvy
( - House Cup 2014 Review -
Go Gryffies!)

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Review #7, by SeverusLoveThe Yellow Incident: The Green Incident?

10th July 2014:
How did you make such a poignant story in so few words? Really though, this was such a quotable story, it was beautiful and well-written as well. From the words "She was irrelevant; there was no point to her. She sat there, occupying space." I was instantly hooked. It was a notion so sarcastic and interesting and fit Gellert a lot.

I admired how well-paced it was. The tone was a bit confusing at first since you alternated between two perspectives yet both telling the story in 2nd Person, but I eventually got accustomed and it became easier and flowed together excellently. The length was perfect, and your betas must be amazing because I couldn't find a letter out of place, except for the missing full stop to the phrase -- "precious minutes which would have changed your destiny".

The imagery in your description is beautiful. The sentence -- "She should have called you green." -- was a chilling closing it left an impression. Your sentence structure was brief, but brought meaning and emotion and images. Your format style was easy to follow.

I have very little to complain about with your characterisation. They were all very fascinating characters and although we know all about them, you managed to add a tinge of mystery that would have the readers intrigued.

The personal opinion of Gellerts inserted in between parenthesis was fun to read as well. I found this part -- (Was this hurt? Intriguing.) -- especially amusing. The minute this phrase -- "This story has always been about your mistakes." -- came in, a large shadow of foreboding loomed over me. I knew from the start this wasn't going to be a happy story, but that phrase made it all the more real for me.

This had to be the most vivid, most beautiful phrase to me -- "and when she fell you counted like she had once done. One, two, three. She didn't open her eyes." -- It was painful and it made me hate you and love you at the same time. Why do you do this to my feels?

You write so well, keep up the great work!

Best Regards,
Sevvy
(- House Cup Review 2014 -
Go Gryffies!)

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Review #8, by SeverusLoveCare for Magical Humans: Life Itself

10th July 2014:
Tx3,

Wow. That was quite the story. I feel like I've gone through a whole lifetime in one chapter.

The tone made it flow incredibly well. At first the pacing was odd and I recognised you were trying to tell the story in flashes, brief moments that tried to sum up the situation in years. I thought that maybe you would try to cram too much information in a really short chapter but as I went along for the ride, I realised that your length was actually all right - not as short as I'd expected. The plot progressed smoothly.

You were right in the beginning when you warned us not to be surprised by the awkward writing, but in this I managed to find that the sentence structure and grammar characterised your Rolf perfectly, which I'm sure is what you intended for. The way he made lists, the way he saw the world, the way he saw Luna. Kudos to research and creativity about the Fwoopers and the Fire Crabs. I found the comparison with the Fwoopers accurate but although on the other hand, I didn't understand the comparison with the Fire Crabs, the cheesiness made me smile nonetheless.

I'm the type who likes to have characterisations as close to canon as possible, but so little is known about the Scamander family so I was more accepting of any new creativity you could insert there. The only major canon character you had to work with, you nailed really well! I especially loved Rolf and Luna's first conversation. The way he was so nervous and she was so calm; I could almost see their differences click together into an understanding.

I found the whole thing with Rolf's father especially sad. I'm still bitter about the fact there's really no mention of any meetings anymore after that. I mean...he's his father. I would have liked to at least see him in Rolf's wedding. :'( But woe is me, not everything has a happy ending.

The twist about Newt leaving for travel because he had a squib son was quite the unexpected twist, I like that. But he almost seemed somewhat distant towards his son, though it isn't something completely unexpected. I did wonder about where Xenophilius was in the story and his reaction to all that happened, but he didn't seem too vital to give too much space to. :'D

There were some spelling typos I managed to spot and the format was a bit off at times with two spaces in between paragraphs instead of three, but that might be just my nitpicks talking.

This sentence, for example, -- "She held up my notebook opened to the page where my most recent list ("Luna's Most Desirable Qualities"-my lists had been becoming more subjective and less based on fact)." -- felt incomplete to me. ['where my most recent list' what?]

These sentences - "One species I was utterly unsure of how to interact with was fellow wizards my own age." and "The words on the page look like a formal report of observation about a human female. How would I explain the sound of her laugh?" had to be the most vivid for me. Another favourite is the "And all the reading and biological diagrams fluttered into my mind briefly before (their) was no room for anything other than this moment, and Luna and feeling." part.

By the end, as soon as I read the opening lines of Rolf's speech, I was thinking, 'Wait a minute, is this what I think it is? Please don't tell me this is what I think it is.' and then went on with 'No, no, no, no.' and then finished with a really big scowl in my face. Which you should take an accomplishment, really. The ending was tragic and sad and beautiful and kudos all around!

I had so much fun reading this, it was quite the journey. Thank you.

Best Regards,
Sevvy
- House Cup 2014 Review -
Go Gryffies!

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Review #9, by SeverusLoveForget Me Not: bloom and wither

12th June 2014:
Adi, this is amazing!

The tragedy - it's painful, yet chillingly beautiful.

The flow was a bit disjointed with the format and style of jumping from dates like that, but it worked for the story because it added a sense of mystery. It made me picture movie scenes with quick, cloudy, and distorted flashbacks. It worked for the story because it piqued my intrigue all the more.

The tone was so dark and depressing throughout you couldn't see the lines between the moral and immoral but I really loved that confusion and chaos.

The pace and progression of plot started off a bit slow, but it helped us readers delve into their history and get involved with the characters enough to feel so sorry for them by the end of it like the calm before the storm so I think the length is perfect the way it is.

I loved your sentence structure - the short nature of most of your sentences and how despite that, you were able to squeeze in and weave such meaning behind the words. Your description is brilliant, I can stare at a lot of quotes within the story.

For consistency's sake, I find this paragraph off:
'All at once, my palms feel sticky, sweaty. It's one of the most comfortable feelings known to mankind. The tightening of the throat, cutting off your supply of oxygen. Then all of sudden, I pop out of it. The next thing I know is that my voice is rumbling out of my throat, ripping through the air.' -- Because for the majority of the story, all the 'you's mentioned are referring to Rose. In this case, I had to go back and reread trying to figure out if the 'you' was meant to be Rose or the reader in general as most First POV stories use. I suppose it could work both ways, but it threw me off for a bit there.

As for spelling and grammar, only this bit caught my eye:
'I don't to live in a world where I know you aren't alive.' -- a minor slip at most.
'She must have been a beautiful girl, I thought to myself, when they lowered her body into the ground' -- the lack of a punctuation mark after these phrases just bugged me for some reason. It might be because you were wanting to structure it in the form of a poem, but if that's the case, I'd get rid of the space between it and the phrase after.

By the end of it, the unanswered questions that remained nagging at the back of my mind all pertains to Rose's motive. Scenes like this: '"Scorpius, I don't feel like it," you cut me off.' makes me really wonder about her and how her mind worked. I would have really loved to know and understand more what was her driving belief to do all this? With parents like hers, how did she progress into the girl she is now? How was she driven into the arms of another man? But seeing as it isn't a story centered on her and is told from the perspective of another person, I can understand why they must remain mysteries.

The scene that hit me the most was the discovery of their child's death. It was just so tragic to read about an early life so innocent that was unfortunately affected. I loved the bit about the drums, but the most vivid phrase to me has to be the same two lines that served as the opening and closing to the story. At first they were such curious mysterious lines but by the end of it, they took on a whole new meaning and depth.

Thank you so much for entering this into my challenge, I really enjoyed reading it. You may anticipate the results within the following days.

Best of Luck,
Sevvy~
*prances off*

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Review #10, by SeverusLoveDesertion: Escape

31st May 2014:
Hey there! Review exchange person who's really delayed here. :'D

First of all, I'm really sorry about the delay asdfghhjkl like how did May come and go so quickly anyway?

Second, I confess, I've actually read this oneshot before it was assigned to me. Like, I don't know how, but I think I've seen a status about it on the forums or something and went to check it out? :P

I love your ability with description, weaving words that flow together and are easy to comprehend like "The iron gates of the Manor encroached upon him, looming out of the grey mist." This is quite the twist story, tbh. I'm not sure on whether I like it or not, just mainly surprised and absorbing the newness of it, though I do believe it was writ well.

A note, however, is that I would have wanted to see more of a build-up to the fury Draco displays in the story. I don't immediately get the characterisation of Draco wanting to leave, if anything I'd think that after the war, he'd need the support of his family more than anything. It might be better to backtrack a bit and let us in on his thoughts and when he actually started to think of Harry as 'kind and brave and more deserving of life' than the two people he loved more than anything leading up to the hate he portrays on them here. Maybe that's just me, though, since I've always thought of the Malfoys as family-oriented despite their blatant flaws so this came off as a bit sudden and a surprise. So yeah, a build-up might help us understand the change of heart.

The tone and pace was a tad fast, but steady throughout the chapter and they flowed rather well together. I think your grammar and sentence structure is really good, but there's this quickie in the second to the last paragraph where the phrase "he marched up to the aobbing boy's bedroom" is used. I'd assume maybe that was meant as 'sobbing' or something else? :3

I'd love to see more from you, keep writing, yeah?

Hearts,
Sevvy

Author's Response: Ahaha, I know what you mean. Time really does fly sometimes :) Interesting to see you've read it before - this piece doesn't have many reads, so it's nice to know you were one of the few!
Thanks! My description has always been probably the strongest point in my writing, and I don't really know why. In real life I can never do it - my sentences a;ways end up as, "You know Bob - the one with the.. glasses... hair... eyes... ehhh." Ah well, the world moves in mysterious ways, does it not?
This idea of Draco has always been a but 'Marmite', in my opinion (i.e. you either love it or just don't), but it does come as a new idea to lots of people. In my opinion, Draco was never really evil - he just looked up to his father a LOT, and wanted to follow in his footsteps, then later in life was forced to even though I believe he really didn't want to. To me it seems logical that Draco, without the threat of the Dark Lord hanging over them, would probably rebel and leave, and be incredibly angry at his father for putting him through all that. That's just my opinion, though, so if you don't think so that's fine too ;)
I see your point about there not being much stimulus for the sudden anger - I'll have a look at that and maybe tweak it a bit, because I do think you make a good point.
Ooh, yeah, that was meant to be 'sobbing' - sorry if that confused you, but I'll try and remember to change that when I can get onto the other computer!

Thanks for the review!
awesomepotter xxx


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Review #11, by SeverusLoveNot Normal: {Chapter the Second}

29th March 2014:
Hey again, Howhe!

So...I've forced myself to sit and focus and pried my mind open to the words that hath flowed from thy fingers. Hopefully, this review would prove more helpful than that of the previous one.

This chapter was definitely an improvement from the first chapter. It didn't seem as disjointed and flowed nicely, the pace consistent throughout.

The tone of the chapter was light and I managed to plough through the whole block of texts (which, by the way, was just the right amount in length) easily, some portions of narration offering small, inadvertent smiles.

I'm a canon fanatic, if it isn't already blatant, so having Regulus pop in for the ride was like a breath of fresh air and I had to spend his first few lines with general fangirling squees with his Whovian status and outdated modern expressions.

Ginny, I didn't seem to find anything wrong with. She's grown and I guess her maternal instincts has kicked into full-action. It would be nice to see some of her old fire shine through, but then again, this story being centered on Ellie, I understand that there wouldn't be much opportunities to squeeze that in.

Your use of descriptions was amusing and some sentence structures were brill - [My brother is a dude of few words, and many expressions.] - easily being my favourite and most vivid line.

There is one portion, however, that bothers me. [I'd have him know that I'd passed my OWLs with twelve Outstandings - not even Hermione Granger, brightest witch of her age, had managed that.] -- This line sort of just stuck out in an odd angle and reeked of 'Mary Sue-ishness' when I first went over it.Even Hermione had needed the timeturner, something Minerva went through a great deal of process to acquire, to cope with too many subjects, and Hermione was a great deal stressed in doing so, and easily a perfectionist. But then again, this isn't entirely impossible so it can be easily remedied with a decent explanation or expansion as to how she managed this, provided maybe in future chapters.

The plot is progressing nicely with a touch of mystery that gives readers curiousity and it was overall an entertaining read, I find myself looking forward to what you have planned for future chapters...which I'm to go about reading now.

TTYL!
~ Sevvy
*bows*

Author's Response: The last review WAS helpful! That might not have been apparent because it took me so long to reply, but it was definitely helpful!

I liked writing this chapter more than the first too, so that might be why the quality of the writing improved. Or the time gap. Or because it's only in the kitchen.

I'm glad that some places made you smile! I try to be funny sometimes, and I wonder if I'm actually good at it... but smiling is good :)

Regulus is one of my favourite characters to write of all time. I'd like to include him in every single chapter in every single scene because he's just so wonderful and fun to write and because he's a Whovian and that makes anyone like instantly ten times more awesome. I'm obviously a fan girl for one of my own characters. That is not a good thing.

We'll probably get to see Ginny later on in the story, so I'm making a note about it so I remember!

Your kind words about my description make me want to cry with happiness. That is how much they mean to me. Like, seriously.

Ellie's intelligence... yeah. I don't know what to do with it, really. I want to show her as this quiet over-achiever, and I guess that's something I'll have to be careful writing in later chapters because you're right in saying that if it's done sloppily it comes off as very Mary Sue. Although, I remember reading that Percy had twelve OWLs, so I think I'll have to keep in mind how I build that part of her life.

Thanks so much for reading and taking all this time to write these wonderful reviews! I know I come off as a little weird, but I my appreciation is genuine and heartfelt! Thanks once again!


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Review #12, by SeverusLoveNot Normal: {Chapter the First}

29th March 2014:
Hey there, Howhe!

I'm almost certain I've visited every corner of every page, but I can't seem to find your name - or, at least, the name you go by. Since 800 Words of Heaven, albeit a pretty penname, seems too long a title to address you as, I've been left with the challenging task of assigning you one. Kudos if you manage to find out the origin of the name I ended up with. :P

Anyway, first of all, I'd like to relay my gratitude to you for being the first person to take notice of and respond to my review thread over in the forums. Really, thank you. Apologies for the bit of a wait; OCs and Next Gen are two categories I'm not entirely confident I can do justice to in a review, but I'mma just pick this apart according to my honesty and hope that in doing so, you might find something helpful.

It is a rather sad event when a writer has lost his or her 'mojo' for a story, I can definitely relate with that, so I sincerely hope you manage to find it again somehow. Think of all the waiting fans~! ;)

Anyway, *rubs hands together* here goes nothing...

The summary, I'll admit, is indeed attention-grabbing. However, it does have a sort of 'cliche' vibe about it. You know, the story norm, where a normal boy is special because suddenly, he is plucked out of a normal life and chosen by mysterious old and wise people to be the hero in saving the world from impending doom. Well, that, at least, is what I garnered from it the first time I read it.

I do appreciate, however, the unique dubbing of your chapter titles as '{Chapter the First}', '{Chapter the Second}', and so on. Albeit small, I find it unique which gives the story bonus points in terms of appeal.

I also like the consistency of the chapter summaries in relation to the overall story summary and the story title, listing out the different reasons as to the ways 'you know your life ain't normal'. It was as entertaining as the 'You know you're a [insertanythinghere] when...' similarly written lists you often stumble across in the internet. When I read the first chapter's summary, it doubled my interest as I wondered 'Dead people? What does this mean? What's her take on this?' Originally, I'd assumed it was Albus who was the voice of the chapter summary as I'd assumed he was the main character in this story and I wondered what sort of twist this was hinting at, but when I started reading, I realised it was actually the voice of an OC which, despite being slightly disappointing, definitely made a lot more sense.

Perhaps it was because of bias, therefore you are all too welcome to ignore this next bit, but the first five starting lines, like the summary, I found to be a style too often used and a tad forced to be captivating. It sounded like the starting lines of a movie so some may find it interesting, though movies can often be too predictable regardless. It may be important because it is in the first few lines of a story that you capture or miss the reader's interest to persist on.

I decided to endure; the incident with the old woman and her twin not sensing the presence of the stranger managed to feed me a little interest to go on, especially when said mysterious lady turned out to be Ellie's great-grandmother. The description [Somehow, I knew she was dead. Or at least, I comprehended she wasn't quite like me.] and [with about as much haughtiness a five-year-old in her nightie could muster.] were easily the most vivid for me - small beautiful word compilations that managed to keep my attention along with the whole first interaction between great-grandmother and great-granddaughter.

Her grandmother's explanation of the ghosts was a tad confusing because as I understand, those that are stuck to life are the same sort that becomes the same kind as the Hogwarts ghosts that stays with the living. I get what you're trying to say, though you might want to expand a bit more on that, or at least fiddle a bit with the choice of words to clearly distinguish both types from each other as separate.

The pace, progression of plot, and the tone of the story was consistent and comprehensive. The flow was a bit disjointed jumping from past to present and the use of part participle to past tense verbs, but they are minor things at most and could still be understood.

The length proved just right. It is a writer's skill to be able to show, instead of tell the reader, a character's perspective and I loved how you used experiences to put emphasis on your description, like the section with death and how Ellie only just started to comprehend it with her lamb-chops and going vegetarian.

As for characterisation, it is difficult to judge Original Characters and Next Generation Characters as they have little to no basis that I can compare them with. You have pretty much free reign with these characters and it is an interesting twist how you made Rose Weasley so interested in Divination and Albus Potter much more playful and more of a flirt than I'd imagined him to be...

Contrary to what you might think, I did enjoy the overall story in general. It was an entertaining enough of a read and there exists a small curiousity as to where you're planning to go with the story plot and the development of the characters' personalities.

I will be reading and reviewing the next chapter when I can; feel free to PM me over the forums for any clarifications concerning this review or even just to talk. :')

I'll be PMing you what few spelling/grammar issues I'd nitpicked over the forums along with those from the following chapters I will be reviewing.

Keep Writing, yeah?
~ Sevvy
*bows*

Author's Response: You couldn't find my name because I haven't actually posted one out there other than 800 words of heaven. It's amazing that you went to the effort to find one though! That's so cool of you. I really should find something however, but I kinda like being referred to as 800... On a side note, I figured out the secret behind your name for me! It's an acronym of my pen name spelt backward - very clever! I might actually adopt it...

No worries about the request! I'm just a keen bean when it comes to new review threads! I also completely understand about not feeling comfortable for whatever reason with a certain aspect of a story. I don't read a lot of stuff out there because of personal preferences. I think it's amazing that you've decided to spend your valuable time on this despite your preference! Thank you :)

I struggled with the "normal" aspect of the story. Ellie nor her situation is particularly ordinary, and me dubbing it so seems like false advertising almost. You're right in saying that it is a sort of "sales gimmick" - that's probably why it comes off as cliche, actually.

I'm glad you like the chapter titles! I'm terrible at coming up with chapter titles, so just numbering them seemed like a good idea. I included the curly brackets because I think they look cool.

The chapter summaries and opening lines definitely stem for my love of lists. This was the second WIP I started, and coming from a story where there isn't much structure, I really tried very hard for some sort of consistency here.

I get what you mean with the style at the beginning. I was still trying to get used to a new style for a new story, and it comes across as a little stilted in those opening lines! The style is probably influenced by film, or one of those voice-overs. Definitely something to add to the edit list in my drafts!

I'm glad that the flashback garnered some interest! Again, it's a ploy borrowed from film and television, and the translation doesn't always work well, especially if it's a first attempt, like mine! My Achilles Heel is description, so I am incredibly flattered that you found it to be engaging.

I think the "ghost" gift will definitely need to be explained in more detail as the story progresses. Perhaps an example of her exercising her gift will be an apt way to address some of the outstanding issues.

THE FLOW KILLS ME IN THIS STORY. I have no idea why. Okay, I have some idea why (one should update their stories more often if they don't want to forget what happens) but thanks for pointing that out. I've made a note about your suggestion with the verb tenses, so that I'll keep a closer eye on them as I write.

I added about 1500 words to the edit which I reposted. I was worried that I'd pushed the chapter for too long. A long first chapter can be a real no-go for many readers. I'm glad that you feel that it worked at the length it is.

Much of the characterisation of Next Gen characters is based on fanon, and I understand how they can be difficult to judge. Albus is definitely portrayed as being less out-there as I've painted him here, but we'll see how well that sits with him over the course of the story, I suppose. I really dislike writing him since he gives me so much grief!

Thanks so much for this fantabulously awesome review! I really appreciate all the feedback, and I'm obviously happy that you enjoyed it!


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Review #13, by SeverusLoveRasputin: Severus Snape

26th March 2014:
Wow, if it weren't for that Author's Note at the bottom...I didn't expect Severus would be a least favourite character of yourse; you wrote him quite well.

For some reason, the first few scenes reminded me a lot about my first fic, 'Hopelessness', but only in some aspects. You definitely expanded on Eileen and Tobias and gave them much more personality; I greatly appreciate that.

I love your analogy of Lily and Christmas with the red of her hair and the green of her eyes. It was so fitting. I loved how you wrote that he found comfort in her and envied her parents; his reasons to delve into the dark side was made more justified and clear with this.

I'm not familiar with Rasputin or his story. I tried Googling him but I can't quite make out what his place was in Russian history...but he does sound intriguing. e.e

You did great in the writing of this, thank you for that. There was a sentence or two I came across that was a bit funky for me --

[magic was where the power lied.] -- 'lied' just seems a bit of an odd choice of word since, reading it, the first comprehension that registered was the Pinocchio kind of 'lied'. Maybe switching it with 'magic was where the power lay' or 'magic was where the power laid' might seem better? That's just me being picky though; feel free to ignore me.

[Severus needed to bid his time and play his cards right.] -- I'm not sure if this was intentional or not as 'bid' does seem in league with the 'play his cards' part, but, in my opinion, 'bide' would make more sense instead.

That aside, I enjoyed reading this; keep on writing, yeah?
~ Sevvy

Author's Response: I'm really glad to hear that it wasn't obvious that Snape was my least favorite character! To write objectively is always my goal despite my personal feelings, so I'm glad to hear that!

Hmmm, I will have to go back and check the grammar on those two sentences. Thanks for pointing it out! :)

Rasputin was a sort of double-agent in Russian history. He was a rather complicated character!

I'm glad that you enjoyed this! Thank you!


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Review #14, by SeverusLoveThe Mildly Perilous and Mostly Tragicomic Misadventures of Sir Roderick Gryffindor and 'Sir' Ivan Harris: In Which Ivan Fights Like a Man

24th March 2014:
Why, hullo Zchen! (Figured it out yet? I thought so.) [becauseithoughtsoappliestoanyanswer]

Anyway, me again. Hey there, how's it going? To start off, pardon me for any mistakes or if there are portions about this review that is hard to understand. While I'm writing this, I'm feeling a tad sleepy so I may not be able to organise my thoughts in the most efficient way. Feel free to PM me for clarification on any sentence/s that makes you scratch your head. :')

If I want to, I never read the previous reviews left in a chapter I am about to review. This is because reading others' gushing and/or critique might influence my own to subconsciously be more aware for those. Since I want my review to be as fresh as possible with my own ideas and opinions, I only read the reviews after I've done mine. Reading over the reviews of the first chapter, I was most amused by the theory of Max playing Sims since it did seem entirely plausible and it was hilarious. (Annnd yes, you could so make this a LotR crossover! :'D) ...Yeah, it was just something I thought to mention.

Putting the first chapter aside, when I first opened this second chapter and read the first few lines, it occurred to me that unlike a third voice in which the narration can pertain to the character-in-question's own opinion by choice of words to describe a certain event, writing it with a personified narrator clearly makes the chosen words for descriptions (like the [Ivan left the idiots to ogle their gain] portion) stem from Max's personal opinion. This confuses me a bit at times because it still surprises me when Max and the actual characters of the story interact with each other out of nowhere, though I'm getting used to it.

(Ah, comic relief.) In this particular portion -

["All our bravest men left this morn," Brirk the pub owner informed. "They've business in Wessex, they do."

Roderick was agitated, or so it would seem. Ivan surmised that he'd been forced to repeat himself multiple times to the idiots, as they were easily distracted.

Ivan asked, "I did?"]

I initially thought she was responding to the pub owner's statement and it was a proud kind of reaction with the sort of subtle insinuation that she was part of 'our bravest men', so when I read the next portion -

[Indeed.

"Hm."]

I was quite confused to what Max was talking about and who was speaking. Only after I read the portion after that did I realise what was going on. I reread the above portions and it was made clear to me.

Some parts made me laugh, the parody over 'Mary Stu' and the [who can destroy the demons within Ivan, causing her to switch back to her intended team] bit, the moment I realised Onlian Extra and Nother Extra's names (that scene reminded me a lot of an Alice in Wonderland scene with the Tweedle twins), and a lot of little portions gave me a fit of giggles (a quick tea break in the middle of a sword fight? Really?).

So I stand by what I said in the first chapter in that Max can sort of disrupt the flow of the story sometimes, but then again, they're all equivalent sacrifices for humour, so... ;)

The tone of this chapter was really different from the first one because it was more lighthearted and definitely a lot more Max in it. (Yes, I do think he kind of overpowered it in this chapter. Just a bit. Since he keeps drawing the focus back to him...but if that was your intention, then it's no problem with me.)

The plot and pace seemed a bit rushed in this chapter like the portion about the sword fight and sneaking into her brother's room, so it also seemed a bit too short of a chapter with a lot of dialogue in it. Longer scenes or added scenes might be nice to add on a little to the length of the story. In all honesty, it was a bit disappointing as I didn't find the depth I got from the first chapter but since this is a humour/parody fic and all, I guess I ought to get used to the more lighthearted tone until something tragic happens with her father or brother or something like that, lol.

Roderick Gryffindor is an interesting character, I thought he was just a parody off Godric, so the fact that he was actually Godric's [i]son[/i], well, that was a pleasant surprise. And yay for AU allowing for freedom in alterations to the Grey Lady and the Bloody Baron's story!

I stand by what I said about the description and sentence structure. As long as its perfectly comprehensible, it's all good with me. (Bonus points for utilising the humorous way of telling zi story!)

Format is all fine and dandy, too, only the part where it double spaces before the next scene bothered me a little (because I'm nitpicky like that with a story format's consistency, smh, feel free to ignore me on this).

But then, overall and in general, it remained an entertaining read that brought a lot of amusement so great job with that! The most vivid moment and one of my favourite descriptions was definitely the part where she sees Roderick in all gold and Marty Stu-ish as she walks across the room but then later realises her mistake and Max credits it due to her being lightheaded from the stench of the 'idiots'. From 'A man' to 'made of gold' - the full four paragraphs of it. I liked the description. :')

And that's that! Phew, there's me finally completing this! :D /isproud/ Thank you again for requesting this. I tried to make the best out of it; I hope I was of some help to you. I'll see you around, yeah? :D

Keep Writing,
~ Sevvy
*bows*

P.S. I decided to send the grammar/spelling bits from this chapter along with the ones from the first chapter, over the forums as well. It would be kind of silly and impractical to have them permanently up for public view here after you later edit in the corrections.

Author's Response: I still have no idea what Zchen means, and it is really disturbing me! I'll have to do more research...

You really did these much faster than I expected O.o .. like, WOW fast (because that's about how eloquent I am at the moment).

Hahaha, yeah, Kenpo pretty much demanded that her guess was correct :D. So, I'll let her believe that Max is playing the Sims. I was playing with an idea that could border on a LOTR crossover, but I'll have to see how that pans out.

Oh, yeah, I can see how that could be confusing with Max speaking directly to Ivan. I should probably attempt to bring more clarity to that portion so that the readers know that Ivan is addressing Max and not Brirk. I should probably attempt to make it clear at ALL times when Max and another character are interacting directly, which hadn't really occurred to me.

The 'Mary Stu' portion left me feeling uncertain, and I considered eliminating it. I've been getting some pretty good feedback from it, so I'm glad it was appreciated. You see, there's sometimes that I believe something is funny... and it's just not. As for the Xtras, I'm really glad you caught that, because not everybody has. I suppose they do share a likeness with the Tweedles! The tea break, well, I blame that on being overtired and being silly :D.

Yes, the give and take, right?

This was a lighter chapter, as I meant for it to be a transitional chapter. That being said, I was running out of actual events that could have occurred, and it is painfully short (and filled with Max). I would like to add more depth to it. As I've said before, however, if I cannot seem to extend this chapter further I may have to combine it with the first chapter. I would consider adding the next chapter, but that one is turning out a bit lengthy and there's a significant time lapse, so... There are some substantial dark and angsty portions of this, so I'd like to add the humor wherever I can.

Roderick was perhaps not the most ingenious name, but I like it :D. I've really wanted to write with the Baron for a while, and this gave me a perfect opportunity!

The spaces were quite large, though it wasn't intentional. I would like it more uniformed as well.

Thanks so much! You've been so much help ♥ !

If there's anything I can do in return, just PM me, yeah?

Thanks again! ♥ ♥ ♥

-Rumpel


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Review #15, by SeverusLoveThe Mildly Perilous and Mostly Tragicomic Misadventures of Sir Roderick Gryffindor and 'Sir' Ivan Harris: In Which Ivan Dreams Like a Man

24th March 2014:
Hey there Zchen! (bonus points to figuring out the name ;D)

SeverusLove here from the forums and thank you so much for stopping by and dropping this off at my review thread! I must say, I absolutely adore Elizabethan English, Old English, Victorian Era English, and archaic words (a major reason why I'm so taken with LotR) so seeing a story riddled with it like this naturally amplified my interest. (I basically started off by staring at the Glossary for a while and going "D'aww, thiz English." :'D)

According to experience, stories with particularly long titles are usually in the humour genre. This be another point in fact.

I've seen a good many lot attempt this style of a story in which the narrator is personified and given his own voice/personality but as it is yet the first chapter, I cannot come to a conclusive opinion of your use of him as of yet. However, I have already noticed the existence of its advantages and disadvantages. That being it has greatly aided in providing endless opportunities for inserting humorous comic relief, but at the risk of disrupting the flow of the story. For example, in the section where Max is directly addressed for the first time, long paragraphs of narrator-y descriptions preceded it and I had delved really deep in it, but when I reached the part here:

[Ivan could not only -

"Sir Maximus!" Ivan scolded me, still standing in the frozen scene that we left her in. "The back story is becoming unnecessarily garrulous, and I'm cramping from holding this position!"]

I was taken by surprise and jolted out of the images formed in my head especially by the sudden use of the word 'me', as I had been reading it thus far under the assumption of the third point of view though I realise now that I should have known better, and also by the cliffhanger of the last line and wondering what the continuation to that narration should have been. It was rather amusing, however, because of the bit of truth in the 'garrulous' part and the picture of the the present being frozen and the main character complaining of cramps because of it.

Also, I felt during the earlier part of the narration where Max added that [That's right, children - though, none of you are actually children, as you need to be 17 or older to be reading this due to the maturity rating and applicable warnings - Ivan had manly swagger.], I felt that it kind of disrupted the flow a bit; but I won't deny the bit about 'manly swagger' made me snicker and then decide to forgive that. It was like sacrificing a bit for some humour. Give and take, yeah?

But having Max is like having that second opinion objective from the characters' and that speaks for the majority at large like in the line - [and who would much rather prefer that the narrator, and everybody else for that matter, refer to her as "Ivan", though most refuse her this luxury as it is most uncouth]. Thus far, I don't think he has overpowered the story much yet as I happen to be

Whether these elements are good for the story or bad, varies according to the personal opinion of each reader so you shouldn't be too worried about it. As for me, I am more or less neutral with it. :)

The pacing of the story and the progression of the plot thus far has been consistent and I can't find portions that requires pointing out of being either too rushed or too slow, but as it is yet the first chapter, again, I can't yet form a conclusive opinion on that. The length of the chapter, I think, is just about right. Though for those particularly taken with the story, I can imagine being a bit short.

There were some portions I had to reread to comprehend, but that may only be because I was a tad distracted. Your description is wonderful and perfectly comprehensible to me but I suppose it's because I noticed we have a similar style of sentence structure in the use of commas, dashes, and hyphens, in which we share a close friendship with commas and thus, commas are abundant. (Though be wary - sentences can run a bit long because of that; let the last sentence be a case in point.)

I like how you emphasised your characterisation of both OCs with the small things like the image of Ivanna running across the grounds and the chambermaids blushing after her because of her flimsy clothing, or scaling the wall to Nicholi's room where he is pacing with anxiety, as well as his opinion of his sister being an interesting case to study. It is these small things that offers another dimension to the OC, which I most value.

I see the bits of magic you put into it - the bit about Ivanna actually being a witch (to the knowledge of no one but the readers yet) and the twist of everyone else thinking it was the demons and a blasphemy to 'Him'.

Overall and in general, it was an entertaining and pleasant read, the most vivid lines being [In fact, Ivan constantly sought her father's blessing and praise, but could only receive it indirectly, by the attention paid to her brother, Nicholi, instead.] and all her innocent reasons for wanting to become a man - [grandeur, adventure, glory, power, (ignoring the latter part for personal preference)]. My favourite part was definitely the 'dramatic speaking and flamboyant body movements' as part of their lessons as the olden days does tend to be portrayed as such.

Despite my preferences and uncomfortable areas, I've endeavored to be objective and to keep an open mind so I hope you find some of these of some help. I shall review the next chapter when I can. Keep writing, yeah?

Best Regards!
~ Sevvy
*bows*

P.S. As the character limit will not allow me to add in the spelling/grammar discrepancies I have managed to pick out, however few they are, I will be PMing them to you over the forums, alright?

Author's Response: Hey there,

You reviewed these two chapters like you were getting paid for it! That's awesome. There will be no bonus points for me, because even Google cannot give me a meaning to Zchen. :(

Phew, I'm glad that you appreciate archaic language, because it could have been tedious otherwise. The original title was much shorter, but every time I changed it...it just continued getting longer and longer. Though, I have had many comments on having the longest title in HPFF history (but I think I could find a longer one if I really tried).

Max was created specifically for comic relief to the darker portions of the story. His sudden insertion after much background information was intended to break up the dryness of the introduction, though it is quite jarring. That was something that I hadn't quite noticed, but I will consider making the voice of the narrator clearer in the beginning of the chapter.

Max's braking of the fourth wall, calling the readers "children", was meant purely for my own amusement. I really does disrupt the flow, though, doesn't it? I find that I enjoy writing this story better when I'm extremely overtired, so this actually has a ton of meaningless happenings meant to make myself laugh. So, yeah, I suppose it's all give and take. I hadn't thought about it like that before, so thank you.

Yeah, I suppose it would be opinion-based on whether they were good, bad, or indifferent.

This chapter, I was fairly satisfied with as far as length, mostly because the remainder of the content I wanted to save for the second chapter. However, if I cannot manage to bulk up some of the second chapter, I may have to consider combining the two.

I have always had a comma addiction, and sometimes that has made trouble for me. I try to keep a close eye out, but I still seem to end up with run-ons and whathaveyou.

I am glad that you liked the characterization, because I love OCs and find them very fun to write. I have a problem, where all of my characters require character sheets before I begin to write. It helps me keep on track, though does dampen significant character growth (which I have to be careful of).

With the time, I thought it was appropriate to have Ivan's magical ability be viewed as some demonic power.

Thanks so much for taking a look at this, though it may not be down your alley. You've been extremely helpful (and timely, to boot).

I've received the PM (thank you, thank you), it was really helpful. Despite looking over it myself, it still seems that typos and errors escape me!

Thanks so much!

-Rumpel


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Review #16, by SeverusLovePlaying Pretend: The Last Remaining Fan

24th March 2014:
Amanda,

Amanda. Amandamandamanda. Wow, this was...I didn't even know someone could do that - take one of the annoying characters and give him/her a personality. You really stretched your creative muscles there and took such rein over Gilderoy and made him so much more human that I sympathised with him. His last words though...so meaningful. :') This could definitely be his canon-redemption. It was a masterful piece of literature; thank you for the read.

Lots of love,
~ Sevvy

Author's Response: Hey, it's great to hear from you!

I always challenge myself to see something new in canon characters, even if we feel like we know everything there is to know about the person. I'm glad you liked what I did with the character and felt that he found a sense of redemption in this story.

Thanks so much for your lovely review!

-Amanda


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Review #17, by SeverusLoveA Few Minutes More: A Few Minutes More

24th March 2014:
That was just absolutely sweet.

I don't read much Next Gen but I find this little fic simply realistic and adorable. I also like the descriptions of Quidditch as that sport is always entertaining. However, I did find an issue with the mechanics as you wrote that Ginny had tried the 'Wronski feint'. As she seemed to be playing as a chaser against a keeper throughout the whole fic, this seemed a bit odd since the Wronski Feint is a seeker move, unless you were trying for a different version of it. :')

I love the little interruptions and the hints of personality from all three children, my favourite part being Al's "He can't possibly sleep outside!" for a flobberworm. :')

Also, this sentence - (Why don't you ask Albus to read you from 'Tales of Beetle the Bard?') might need a tinge revision as I feel it might be read and interpreted better with the word "to" in between "read" and "you", otherwise, eliminating the 'from' can also do. That might have been confusing so here's a demo:

Original Structure:
Why don't you ask Albus to read you from 'Tales of Beetle the Bard?'
Suggested Structure:
Why don't you ask Albus to read to you from 'Tales of Beetle the Bard?'
Why don't you ask Albus to read you 'Tales of Beetle the Bard?'

Aside from that, it was a sweet read. I'm surprised to see it's one of your first stories in here since it is rather good. I hope to see more from you, keep writing, yeah?

Lots of Love,
~ Sevvy

Author's Response: Hello Sevvy,

First off thank you so much for the great review. I appreciate all of the cc and I will fix both of your suggestions.

You caught me with the Wronski feint - I needed another Quidditch move and I usually research anything I am not sure about - so thanks for pointing that out.

I also really appreciate the vote of confidence and I will definitely keep writing!

Thanks so much!

Beth


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Review #18, by SeverusLoveHeading Out to the Highway: Decompression

23rd March 2014:
Wow, I'm surprised. I loved the way you showed Sirius' love and concern for Regulus. ("All he wanted to do was make his family proud, and that's eventually gonna cost him his life." The feels that line gave me.) This was so in-character for Sirius and few people can manage that; I could imagine it canon. I pictured Reg's situation so similar to Draco's, really.

I think you could have done just as good without the crude language, but that's a personal opinion. The humour though - morbid, sarcastic humour. But it's humour nonetheless and it's my kind of humour. ;)

("Certain nights are made for dancing with the devil." -- this line though...luvvv)

Anyways, thank you for the story; keep writing!
~ Sevvy

Author's Response: Hi, there!

I like to think that Sirius did care for his brother and the fact that Regulus became a Death Eater pained him in ways that he wouldn't readily admit to his friends. He spent the first eleven years of his life trying to be a good son and heir to the Black family before he met James and was sorted into Gryffindor. However disillusioned he became, you can't completely turn that off.

The crude language was just a choice that I made. I agree that it could have been fine either way.

I loved that line as well.

I'm really glad that you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading and reviewing!


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Review #19, by SeverusLoveIn A Lifetime: I

23rd March 2014:
So...in the first few sentences, I was rightly amused because it hinted at a Salazar/Rowena tragic pairing and it reminded me of the tragic story of the Bloody Baron - Slytherin's House Ghost, and Ravenclaw's House Ghost - her own daughter.

At another point, Salazar reminded me a lot of the tragic story of Snape and the comfort he found in Lily like Salazar does Rowena here...

For a piece of fiction, it is indeed entertaining. I'm very touchy with the subject of betrayal, so I felt close to shedding a few tears at the end, feeling just as betrayed by Rowena and Godric and a touch of resentment. You set up a very sound basis for Salazar and Rowena's relationship and Salazar and Godric's friendship, I think it might have been nice to see how Rowena and Godric turned up like that to justify how they were supposed to be 'destiny', but, telling it from Salazar's perspective, I guess you couldn't do that much. Did you do that on purpose to make the readers feel just as betrayed, too?

It occurred to me also, in the first few paragraphs, that although having his mother burned at the stake by Muggles would give Salazar's character a basis for his contempt against them, it seemed a bit unlikely since Hogwarts History often said that the Salem Witch Trials were useless because the fires couldn't affect the wizards. Seeing as Salazar's mother was an adult, I would have thought she could have at least done wandless magic; neither do I quite understand how the scene where his fathers goes to help turned out hopeless as a wizard such as he could surely have easily taken care of such a situation - unless you were trying to imply he was conspiring with them for the murder of his own wife?

Also, the last scene...it doesn't quite feel like redemption without a final conversation between Salazar and Godric to at least bring about some closure. Did Godric simply run out of time? Because he did look like a coward not coming in, that or Rowena just wanted to hog all the last time to herself, lol.

Anyway, I haven't read many Founder fics before so this was definitely an interesting read.

I managed to spot some typos along the way, so in case you were planning to edit this in the future, I'mma hand them over to you:

"He covered his ears as the shouting from downstairs gre(y) louder," -- that was meant to be 'grew', perhaps?
"and tucking it behind her (w)ar." -- this one should be 'ear', understandable mistake as the w and e letters are beside each other on the keyboard.
"The way she shivered slightly in the cool night (ear)," -- and I'm guessing this was supposed to be 'air', but I could be wrong. *shrugs* Nobody's perfect. ;)

But anyway, thank you for this story and keep on writing, yeah?
Cheers!
~ Sevvy

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Review #20, by SeverusLoveInfinity: Infinity

23rd March 2014:
Wow...

I'm just really amazed right now.

How did you even-

No words.

Author's Response: This review is leaving ME with no words. ♥ I don't even know what to say to you! I'm just really happy that you enjoyed the story, and thank you very much for taking the time to leave a review. :)

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Review #21, by SeverusLoveWithout a Trace: Parting Ways

16th September 2012:
OMG RC,

THIS. IS. GENIUS.

Crossover between three WOW worlds! I haven't watched Doctor Who yet, but you made me want to. RC, you must continue. MUST! And you should definitely update soon, if not just to please an old friend which you haven't seen in so long xP (I miss you, too). I just so love Sherlock Holmes and the way you made the three worlds intertwine in such an interesting way... My mind got blown. xD Update, hmkay? And soon. :P If not, well, how 'bout you just email me when it's all done so I can finish it all in one sitting? hahaha

Lots of Loff,
~ Sevvy

Author's Response: Thank you! You definitely need to go watch Doctor Who. Now. If just to understand the story better :P As I said in my A/N I haven't updated this story in centuries until now, but hopefully updates will be more frequent now that I sorta kinda know where I'm going with this again :P Thanks for the review and it's good to hear from you again!

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Review #22, by SeverusLoveJust Harry: Just Harry

11th September 2012:
Yo Eebie!

It's been like what, almost one year since you requested this review? And I am terribly sorry about the delay. (You thought I was never going to get to it, didn't you? :P) I haven't been around in a while, but now I'm back again and finally making time to help you out. :)

Okay, first of all, I'd like to point out that in your story summary, besides it being a bit saddening I cannot see the banner, it would probably be a bit better if you could add a comma to this portion: "While the castle sleeps(,) Harry takes a moment to reflect on who he is now that Voldemort's gone."

And on to the actual story--

The length was alright. It would be nice if you could extend it a bit though, add in a bit more description and emotion to the piece, perhaps to make the images more alive in our mind's eyes.

I did not find any spelling mistakes, although there were plenty in grammar. The pace and flow, I think, was affected by your grammar which I think you need to work on. Commas - where to place them and where not to place them is your weakness, so perhaps you could get a beta-reader to help you improve with that. :)

The tone and progression of plot was a little rushed at parts, which further backs the suggestion that you might want to expand a bit just to make the transitions a bit smoother.

Your sentence structure was alright, average in the least. I especially loved the last paragraph though, "Nor was he the "Boy that Lived" or the "Chosen One"; those titles died with Voldemort." being the most vivid and my favourite quote amongst all as it signifies that everything, no matter how great, wasn't going to last forever. It was very deep and true to tie those titles with the threat and with that threat gone, it was going to fade into history like others.

You may need to work on the formatting though, changing double spaces into one and inserting a space between the title and the content at the very beginning. I agree with another reviewer in that it would probably be of more benefit to transfer that sourcing inside the parentheses to an Author's Note at the bottom so as not to disrupt the flow and bring us out of the story. Also, for ellipses, I would suggest not placing spaces between them and leave them as it is - '...' as it is more readable and professional of a writer. :)

In general, it was very well written for a first fanfic and it does have potential and lots of space to grow. Writers never start out great, but learn as they go and develop their own styles that fit them.

For characterisation, as one said earlier, different people may have different views to things; including and especially but not limited to what Harry should be like after the Final Battle at Hogwarts. In my personal opinion, the only issue I have is that I don't think that Harry would be exactly so content as to see only himself when looking into the mirror again. The Mirror of Erised is very powerful, and having him look into it and see only himself is so definite and exact, I'd beg to differ that all the past events and griefs having changed him and affected him so deeply that there will be certain things that would leave a mark and haunt him even after. Perhaps, the 'Just Harry' theme could still work with an ordinary mirror and just his view on the core of his existence with a short moment of peace and accomplishment. This, however, is my personal opinion and others may differ and as a large chunk of the story is related to said mirror, you may leave it at that.

But overall, I'd encourage you to keep writing and I hope to see (and hear) more from you; you won't regret all the practice. :)

See ya Round the Forums, neh?
~ Sevvy
*bows*

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Review #23, by SeverusLoveMessrs, Canes, Maps, Twins, Confusion and a Whole Loada Running!: Confiscated and Highly Dangerous

4th November 2011:
JAAAMES! XD

SURPRISE! :D Instead of replying to your review right away, I decided to return the favour instead. :D Yes, I'm a dear, you don't need to say if anymore but thanks for thinking it anyway. ^-^

TO THE STORY - ...I was going to continue here but you caught me on Skype so I am going to rant now first. YOU JUST RUINED MY SURPRISE. :/

Oh, I forgot to mention that I am such a bad friend for never having stopped by your page before! I mean really, I've been here before, once, when I first heard about you in the forums - I went, "James? He's nothing compared to our Cal!" and then took a peek here and left.

But now I know your amazing-ness, I happened to glance back due to your review and then I saw this bunch of stories that looked sooo interesting so now I'm on a roll to read them all! :D (except next-gen, coz I hardly read next-gen. :P).

Okay, TO THE STORY - Hilarious, period. I may be a little confused though as to the part with the flashback. Was that just sort of like a mirror as an alternate universe kind of thingy? Also, the last part: ghostly marauders? :O When did that happen? Past? Present? In the map? Shutting themselves? :O

I love the dialogue, 'tis hard to create them. I find myself troubled by how to go about them myself. :D

And your characterisation - perfect. At least, really close. I love the Weasley twins, they're hilarious. The Marauders are mischievous too . :D :D :D :D - four laughs for them! x3

Your style is lighthearted and humorous - a real opposite to my dark angsty ones, but I guess I do need some of these now and again, else my sense of humour vanishes. -.-

And as for spelling and grammar - I did, proudly, find one little thing. Unless you meant Filch to saying "vandalising" as slang, then I believe it's "vandalising". But if you did, well there is one more. Over at the beginning when Fred tells George to run. If you read through it quickly, you wouldn't mind who's speaking as you can merely just imagine the twins arguing. But if you read through it carefully - it is odd that Fred is speaking first and then I assume George speaks next, and then Fred, and this tirade continues. But when it gets to "Fred!", of course we assume it has to be George speaking...and Fred spoke before him. It must be me but their roles seemed to be mixed somewhere in that chaos and I can't figure out when. -.-"

ALSO, you should make a full-on novel length story about the Marauders and Fred and George. Probably like a going back in time thing? Coupled together, they would be hilarious and I would love to read it. But if I remember correctly, you ALREADY have lots of WIPs going on. *stares at you until you get uncomfortable*. Yes, this is my way of nagging *coughintimidatingcough* you to write and finish your stories. :D

Also, I was so interested in reading this because then I get to take a peek at how a HPFF -man- thinks. Men's minds are confusing, but it indeed isn't that far-fetched from women's. Except well, more manly. Gah! It's hard to explain. And that probably didn't even make sense. -.-

Now I must bid thee goodbye so I can read that other story that caught my eye earlier. :D

Bye! *hugs*
~ Sevvy (I'm amazing, I know. ^^)

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Review #24, by SeverusLoveHogwarts Sanitarium: Connections

4th November 2011:
There? You stopped there? And you haven't updated in years? -.- How could you? *goes into a corner to cry her little heart out* Well what a cliffhanger. :P

~ Sevvy

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Review #25, by SeverusLoveHogwarts Sanitarium: Escape of a Madman

3rd November 2011:
“Cant get caught with keys!” -- typo. Needs an apostrophe. It's going great so far. :)

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