THIS. IS. GENIUS.
Crossover between three WOW worlds! I haven't watched Doctor Who yet, but you made me want to. RC, you must continue. MUST! And you should definitely update soon, if not just to please an old friend which you haven't seen in so long xP (I miss you, too). I just so love Sherlock Holmes and the way you made the three worlds intertwine in such an interesting way... My mind got blown. xD Update, hmkay? And soon. :P If not, well, how 'bout you just email me when it's all done so I can finish it all in one sitting? hahaha
Lots of Loff,
~ SevvyAuthor's Response: Thank you! You definitely need to go watch Doctor Who. Now. If just to understand the story better :P As I said in my A/N I haven't updated this story in centuries until now, but hopefully updates will be more frequent now that I sorta kinda know where I'm going with this again :P Thanks for the review and it's good to hear from you again! Report Review
It's been like what, almost one year since you requested this review? And I am terribly sorry about the delay. (You thought I was never going to get to it, didn't you? :P) I haven't been around in a while, but now I'm back again and finally making time to help you out. :)
Okay, first of all, I'd like to point out that in your story summary, besides it being a bit saddening I cannot see the banner, it would probably be a bit better if you could add a comma to this portion: "While the castle sleeps(,) Harry takes a moment to reflect on who he is now that Voldemort's gone."
And on to the actual story--
The length was alright. It would be nice if you could extend it a bit though, add in a bit more description and emotion to the piece, perhaps to make the images more alive in our mind's eyes.
I did not find any spelling mistakes, although there were plenty in grammar. The pace and flow, I think, was affected by your grammar which I think you need to work on. Commas - where to place them and where not to place them is your weakness, so perhaps you could get a beta-reader to help you improve with that. :)
The tone and progression of plot was a little rushed at parts, which further backs the suggestion that you might want to expand a bit just to make the transitions a bit smoother.
Your sentence structure was alright, average in the least. I especially loved the last paragraph though, "Nor was he the "Boy that Lived" or the "Chosen One"; those titles died with Voldemort." being the most vivid and my favourite quote amongst all as it signifies that everything, no matter how great, wasn't going to last forever. It was very deep and true to tie those titles with the threat and with that threat gone, it was going to fade into history like others.
You may need to work on the formatting though, changing double spaces into one and inserting a space between the title and the content at the very beginning. I agree with another reviewer in that it would probably be of more benefit to transfer that sourcing inside the parentheses to an Author's Note at the bottom so as not to disrupt the flow and bring us out of the story. Also, for ellipses, I would suggest not placing spaces between them and leave them as it is - '...' as it is more readable and professional of a writer. :)
In general, it was very well written for a first fanfic and it does have potential and lots of space to grow. Writers never start out great, but learn as they go and develop their own styles that fit them.
For characterisation, as one said earlier, different people may have different views to things; including and especially but not limited to what Harry should be like after the Final Battle at Hogwarts. In my personal opinion, the only issue I have is that I don't think that Harry would be exactly so content as to see only himself when looking into the mirror again. The Mirror of Erised is very powerful, and having him look into it and see only himself is so definite and exact, I'd beg to differ that all the past events and griefs having changed him and affected him so deeply that there will be certain things that would leave a mark and haunt him even after. Perhaps, the 'Just Harry' theme could still work with an ordinary mirror and just his view on the core of his existence with a short moment of peace and accomplishment. This, however, is my personal opinion and others may differ and as a large chunk of the story is related to said mirror, you may leave it at that.
But overall, I'd encourage you to keep writing and I hope to see (and hear) more from you; you won't regret all the practice. :)
See ya Round the Forums, neh?
*bows* Report Review
SURPRISE! :D Instead of replying to your review right away, I decided to return the favour instead. :D Yes, I'm a dear, you don't need to say if anymore but thanks for thinking it anyway. ^-^
TO THE STORY - ...I was going to continue here but you caught me on Skype so I am going to rant now first. YOU JUST RUINED MY SURPRISE. :/
Oh, I forgot to mention that I am such a bad friend for never having stopped by your page before! I mean really, I've been here before, once, when I first heard about you in the forums - I went, "James? He's nothing compared to our Cal!" and then took a peek here and left.
But now I know your amazing-ness, I happened to glance back due to your review and then I saw this bunch of stories that looked sooo interesting so now I'm on a roll to read them all! :D (except next-gen, coz I hardly read next-gen. :P).
Okay, TO THE STORY - Hilarious, period. I may be a little confused though as to the part with the flashback. Was that just sort of like a mirror as an alternate universe kind of thingy? Also, the last part: ghostly marauders? :O When did that happen? Past? Present? In the map? Shutting themselves? :O
I love the dialogue, 'tis hard to create them. I find myself troubled by how to go about them myself. :D
And your characterisation - perfect. At least, really close. I love the Weasley twins, they're hilarious. The Marauders are mischievous too . :D :D :D :D - four laughs for them! x3
Your style is lighthearted and humorous - a real opposite to my dark angsty ones, but I guess I do need some of these now and again, else my sense of humour vanishes. -.-
And as for spelling and grammar - I did, proudly, find one little thing. Unless you meant Filch to saying "vandalising" as slang, then I believe it's "vandalising". But if you did, well there is one more. Over at the beginning when Fred tells George to run. If you read through it quickly, you wouldn't mind who's speaking as you can merely just imagine the twins arguing. But if you read through it carefully - it is odd that Fred is speaking first and then I assume George speaks next, and then Fred, and this tirade continues. But when it gets to "Fred!", of course we assume it has to be George speaking...and Fred spoke before him. It must be me but their roles seemed to be mixed somewhere in that chaos and I can't figure out when. -.-"
ALSO, you should make a full-on novel length story about the Marauders and Fred and George. Probably like a going back in time thing? Coupled together, they would be hilarious and I would love to read it. But if I remember correctly, you ALREADY have lots of WIPs going on. *stares at you until you get uncomfortable*. Yes, this is my way of nagging *coughintimidatingcough* you to write and finish your stories. :D
Also, I was so interested in reading this because then I get to take a peek at how a HPFF -man- thinks. Men's minds are confusing, but it indeed isn't that far-fetched from women's. Except well, more manly. Gah! It's hard to explain. And that probably didn't even make sense. -.-
Now I must bid thee goodbye so I can read that other story that caught my eye earlier. :D
~ Sevvy (I'm amazing, I know. ^^) Report Review
There? You stopped there? And you haven't updated in years? -.- How could you? *goes into a corner to cry her little heart out* Well what a cliffhanger. :P
~ Sevvy Report Review
“Cant get caught with keys!” -- typo. Needs an apostrophe. It's going great so far. :) Report Review
Hey, this story idea seems so interesting, I am enjoying so far. :) Here're some typos I have found:
There is no chool for witchcraft and there is no magic, nor is there any order, -- I think you meant "school" instead of "chool". :P
"I'd rather spend time with her than with Aunt Petunia,' Harry shivered. -- Your last quotation marks turned into a ('). :P Report Review
Why Hello There Char!
It's SeverusLove from the forums and I'm here for your review (FINALLY -.-). :)
First of all, I'd like to tell you how totally graphic and weird this all is - mostly for the fact that it's Bella/Lucius and that is just so weird. :P And second, I'd like to say that I am (oddly enough) intrigued by the story. You managed to write it in such an entrancing way. I love psycho stories like this, hahaha. :P If it were any other writer, I would've hated it already.
The pace and the length was perfect, it was not too short and not too long. The tone was dark and psycho - which I love. The flow and progression of plot was very good too, the transitions were clear and made sense.
As for description and sentence structure, they were beautiful; you have a wide sense of vocabulary I wish I had. That way, I wouldn't have troubles trying to express what I want to express. I love your choice of words. :D
The most vivid line for me would have to be:
"Regret isn't something that she's used to yet she sits there, looking back on her life, wishing a few things had been different." -- it's just so Bella-like and unBella-like at the same time. I can't imagine her regretting but if she ever did, this is the way I imagine it would've gone. I also loved the last line of the story and the one about her being irked about Lucius ordering her around. xP
For characterization, I don't really have much to go by. Since it is AU and Lucius/Bella, it would obviously be at least a bit OOC. Which it is. But I appreciate the way you keep Bella's thirst for control, to not be ordered about, her desires to please her masted, her love for torture, and her psychotic and insane self. She only had a tinge of OOCness in her. :)
I also like how you somehow maintained Lucius' pride and sense of being above others. Although I admit he was really OOC. :P
As for spelling and grammar, unless you did this on purpose but your chapter title "Disintigration" is misspelled. It's supposed to be "Disintegration". :)
"Faces pass before her eyes, their faces contorted in agony, their mouths open on silent screams." -- I think "mouths open in silent screams" would sound better. :)
Also, I've noticed that there are some sentences, that just seem to be off or too long. This one for example:
"It was the giving up of the baby she'd carried for nine months to a heart-broken woman who no longer called her "sister" that had laid bare the path to purgatory and it'd been the disappearance of her lord and master that had broken her."
-- it would be nice if there was a chance to pause to catch my breath if I ever read that aloud, hahah. :D It would be nice if you put some sort of comma, period, or semi-colon in there. Maybe between the word "purgatory" and "and"? :)
Another example would be:
"And so she forgets the little face and focuses on her master for she knows that he will come and he will forgive her for failing to find him sooner." -- a comma somewhere would be nice. :)
There are a few others too that escape my mind at the moment.
As for format and style, there was one part towards the end, I don't know if you meant for it to be one paragraph or two separate paragraphs, but it kind of bothered me. It looked like this:
"It hurts something inside of Bellatrix. And she hates him for that.
More so on this night when he denies that the disfigured boy is the one whom her master seeks."
Overall and in general, other than characterization, this would've been perfect. It would be nice seeing you write more of Bella. She is one of my favourite characters. :D This has officially been added to my favourites, hah! xP It is the first oneshot I've read that I didn't seem to find any problems or be too troubled about the use of the present tenses. Usually, present tense fics tends to be a bit off and I get this nitpicky feeling about it. But this one, you get too engrossed in the story, you hardly notice. :P
Thank you for requesting, I truly did enjoy reading it. :D
See You 'round the Forums, neh?
P.S. What does the word 'lofticries' mean? xPAuthor's Response: Sevvy!! So sorry for my delay response on this absolutely AWESOME and STUPENDOUS and SPLENDIFOROUS review!
I was going for weird!! WhoĂ˘Â€Â™d ever thought Bella/Lucius? Not meĂ˘Â€Â¦until I wrote this! LOL. You are so cute (in an odd way) :P
Oh good on the transitions and pace. I thought it might have come off disjointed as the other times IĂ˘Â€Â™ve tried writing this way.
Yay on BellaĂ˘Â€Â™s characterization being okay-ish! I obviously needed some OOCness to get the story to work how I wanted to but overall, I tried to keep psycho-lady near and dear.
Yeah, Lucius wouldnĂ˘Â€Â™t have been soĂ˘Â€Â¦manly I think.
Gah! IĂ˘Â€Â™ll fix the chapter title! Geez! ItĂ˘Â€Â™s the first thing you see! And IĂ˘Â€Â™ll get the mouth thing too.
I happen to like long sentences :) but I can see what you mean. It took me forever to figure out how to say that line and by the time it was okay, I left it. But I do think IĂ˘Â€Â™ll tackle it again in an edit.
Thank you so much for this!!! Ă˘Â™ÂĄ
(Ă˘Â€ÂśLofticriesĂ˘Â€Âť is a song by Purity Ring. ThereĂ˘Â€Â™s this one line that kept getting stuck in my head - Lofticries with trembling thighs/ Weepy chests with weepy sighs / Weepy skin with trembling thighsĂ˘Â€Â”that made me think of the first scene and voila! a psycho dark story was born!) Report Review
Ahahaha, I burst out laughing. That was so OOC. :P
You know what, I suggest you remove the Drapple from the title so that the surprise effect of the apple would be more hilarious. xD You read that blog entry over at the forums, didn't you? *continues laughing*
Edit it up a bit and it would be perfect! Try the one-shot betas in the forums. :P
~ SevvyAuthor's Response: Thanks, I wanted to do a humor outside of the dramatic stuff I usually do.
I don't know what blog post you're talking about, I can never get the forums to work Report Review
Why Hello There Ihzzy! (I like making nicknames so there. :P)
It's SeverusLove from the forums and I'm here for your review (FINALLY. -.-).
Well, I think your two lovely betas did a great job as I am currently having a hard time finding something to give critic on. I was too engrossed in the story, it was hard concentrating. Hold on while I reread it.
Done! Okay, first of all, I have gained this sort of fascination for the second voice just recently and thus, I am fascinated by your story. :) The second voice is the rarest and least used in the writing world and for good reasons too. One of them is that it is very hard to maintain.
Usually, it is paired off with the present tense and I assume you were going for that here. But there are times when you jump from present to future to past and it just sounds so all over the place. For example:
In this sentence, you go from present to future:
She's the one who spits out, "Potter" and you're still the one who'll reply, "Yes, Lily?"
-- you can rephrase that to: "She's the one who spits out, "Potter" and you're still the one who replies, "Yes, Lily?"
Now this may be not a very big problem when used once in a while, but when used too much, it gets really messy. Another example is this:
"She's the one who's so beautiful it hurts to look at her, but by the time you get up the strength, she's gone.
But she's also the one who'd never believe you if you told her how much you felt for her.
She'd never fall for it if you told her she was beautiful when she told new students where to go.
She wouldn't believe you if you told her how perfect her eyes looked in the sun, or how much it fascinated you to see her read because of how she bit her bottom lip.
Because she's Lily Evans and you're James Potter and in Lily Evans' world, nothing goes unplanned. There's not a slip of the tongue, not a whispered word or a ghost of a smile."
-- which can be rephrased to:
She's the one who's so beautiful it hurts to look at her, but by the time you get up the strength, she's gone.
But she's also the one who'd never believe you if you tell her how much you feel for her.
She'd never fall for it you tell her she is beautiful when she tells new students where to go.
She wouldn't believe you if you tell her how perfect her eyes look in the sun, or how much it fascinates you to see her read, because of how she bites her bottom lip.
Because she's Lily Evans and you're James Potter and in Lily Evans' world, nothing goes unplanned. There is not a slip of the tongue, not a whispered word, or a ghost of a smile.
-- it may flow better that way. This, however, is your choice and isn't that major of a problem so feel free to ignore this little nitpick. :)
As for the progression of plot and the flow, the transitions are hardly noticeable. But if you look closely and sometimes, the transitions go by so suddenly that for a while after, I get slightly confused. Like in the first part of the story, James was talking about how beautiful she is and how jealous of her girls are and then suddenly, James is talking about how she isn't the girl he remembers.
The last part confused me too when he dropped to the floor. I kept on thinking about how he would know what happens next when he's already dead, hahaha. Maybe he can still see after his death as some sort of ghost watching the scene or something. :P Same thing about the last thoughts of Lily. Unless James can read minds. xD
The tone and description was really good; the tone was consistent and the description was interesting.
For sentence structure and format and style, I find them perfect. I liked your choice of words. The comparisons and descriptions were simple and brief but strong and beautiful. The format was great, I love the way you divided it into short and sweet little sentences. It made it simple and easy to read and understand so kudos to that. :D
As for characterisation, they were just about perfect to me. I just find it odd during the last thoughts of Lily as I would've expected her to be more focused on Harry, but I guess that was necessary for the challenge huh?
Also, the phrase "She's the one who every guy secretly has a crush on and every girl is secretly jealous of." in the beginning makes her sound sort of Mary Sue-ish for me. But I guess that should be since I am seeing her through James' eyes after all, and James probably sees Lily as perfect. :P
But how could he be so sure? Maybe if you add 'probably' or 'should be' in there, like "She's the one who every guy (probably) secretly has a crush on and every girl (should be) jealous of." would be more in character. :D
For spelling and grammar, I did find one typo (I pride myself in being nitpicky spelling/grammarwise so it would be a shame if I didn't. :P). :D The typo word/phrase is inside the parentheses. :)
She's the one who zones out when she walks and concentrates so much at what (she) doing that she can't stop for anyone or anything -- I think you meant for that to be 'what she's doing'. :) Also, I've noticed that there are sometimes a few extra unnecessary commas. It is nothing big though, so you can just leave it like that. ^^
But overall and in general, it was a beautiful story. It was light and happy, but with deep meaning and a touch of angst. It was simple but strong and the short paragraphs made it very easy to read and understand. Thank you for requesting it, I truly did enjoy reading it. :)
*bows*Author's Response: Aw, thank you soo much for taking time to write out this much!! You're a star < 3
I'll definitely take all of this in consideration as i edit it! :) Report Review
Cally recommended this to me and I am so glad I came to take a look. It is brilliant, although previous reviewers may have already said so. For one, you managed to make the bunch of cupids totally believable. The plot was great, we managed to watch them grow through the years along with a little behind the scenes work.
I didn't find anything wrong with spelling and grammar since I was too lost in the story to look for it. :P There are a few unnecessary gaps though or a space before the beginning of a paragraph, but that can happen a lot with some site bugs. :P
Your characterisation was mostly perfect and true to canon. I loved every bit of it. I especially like the scene with Luna, that was brilliant how she talked to Amatis. It was like I found out something new and was surprised at the behind the scenes work there.
I also liked the beginning part where they played rock-paper-scissors to see who does what, for a minute there I thought they were talking about something more serious. :D I joined this challenge a few days back and now I'm worried I may not be able to top it. :P
My only problem I guess would be I would've wanted to see more on how they tried to mend Lavender's poor broken heart, hahah. The way you explained how she fell for Ron was brilliant too, it's as though everything makes sense now. :D Also, I find it odd how Ametis talked to Luna about Ron and Hermione being in the Room of Requirement since if I'm not mistaken, they were there in the first place for the secret DADA classes and thus, Luna should've been with them.
Again, it was a good read and I really enjoyed. Not too short, not too long, just the exact good size. Great job!
~ SevvyAuthor's Response: Hello! Thanks so much for reviewing Hearts and Arrows! I'm really proud of it, and it's so nice that it's getting some love:-)
I'm very fond of Amatis and Cariad, and I'm glad you liked them too. Who knows, perhaps they will pop up again some time!
I know what you mean about me leaving Lavender hanging. I did think about including it, but in the end I decided not to, because the my scene for the challenge was Ron and Hermione's kiss, so I felt like too much focus on Lavender would have pushed me too far away from that - I was already taking a quite a step away from the challenge subject by including so many other scenes:-)
Re: Ron and Hermione being in the Room while Luna isn't. Your correct that they are at a DADA meeting. I struggled with that myself for a while, but if you read that section again, you'll see that Luna says that she has 'just come from' the room. I was trying to suggest that the meeting is breaking up, Luna has already left, but Ron and Hermione are still there. Perhaps I need to labour that point a bit more, and I'll have a think about that for the next round of edits.
Anyway, once again, I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading! Report Review
Happy Birthday OSB! :D
I was browsing your page for something to read and this has to be the cutest ship ever written. Mainly because it's objects, magical objects, and that's what makes it unique. Opposites really attract, huh? A hat that talks with words of wisdom with a hat that only says roar. :P
It's short and quick and cute and has depth and I'm envious. :P :)
Happy Birthday Again!
~ SevvyAuthor's Response: Thank you! And I know right, they just fit together so perfectly! ^^
Yay for cuteness! ^^ Report Review
Ooooh, I can guess who this is! Draco and Pansy...right? Who else has grey eyes? :P
I think the story was nice, and I bade thee good luck with the Unnamed Challenge. We're both entering it, so best of luck to both of us. :D I love combined challenges, it tests your creativity. x3
Your beta is good, I only managed to pluck out two typos :P :
"But it so tedious and time-consuming," he argued. -- I think you meant that as an "it's". ^^
Then, after taking one final look around the room-not just to make sure she hadn't forgot anything, (but also so she could mentally saying goodbye,) not only to the room they had shared, but to the life she had known-she slowly turned around to leave. -- the sentence withing the "()" is a bit odd. Maybe "could mentally say goodbye" or "could be mentally saying goodbye" would be a better choice of words? :D
Anyway, the characters were okay, and the flow was consistent. Overall, great job! :D
~ SevvyAuthor's Response: I don't want to give their identities away before WoodrowRynne has commented on it, but thanks so much for the review. My beta was very good, but alas we're both only human so thanks for pointing out the mistakes we missed, I'll fix those immediately. I'm glad you liked the story! And good luck to you as well in the challenge! Report Review
Hey Again!!! :D :D :D
I'm back! x3 Anyway, back to the story. :P As always, the beginning and the end? The best parts. I love the visual in them. :D
The Characterisation is great, as usual, I find no problems with them at all! Gah, I'm beginning to really hate Jessica. I'm beginning to think she has someone else she loves. -.- I know, random thought. :P
The tone and description? I'm jealous of that, really. This is the exact kind of mood I want to do for my NaNo! (Which, I'm sure I already told you. -.-). I love the emotions you portray with your descriptions. It's so dark-ish and serious-ish. Which I love! :P Kinda sad though, for Jessica and Euan I mean...
The format and style is just fine, and I'm not going into details with the spelling and grammar anymore, I typed it all up and then it got all erased accidentally. Which was really frustrating for me and I really don't want to retype everything. T^T Sorry... Look on the bright side, it was probably just going to bore you anyway, and besides, once this is edited, I'm sure it will be fixed enough... :D One thing I remember off the top of my head though is that firewhiskey is usually spelled as one word. :)
One thing I noticed about your sentence structure though is that it's kind of odd. Not that I have any problems with the words you use (they're great. :P), but the way you phrase stuff sometimes, is confusing. I also noticed that there are some parts with misplaced punctuation marks and more frequently: missing commas. You should probably get those checked out so that it'd flow better and would be more coherent. :D
The flow and the progression of the plot is just fine, it's interesting yet dull, but that's what makes it realistic and unique. It flows at its own pace, and that's good enough. :D
Also, I liked how you added in that bit about the reminiscing of Hogwarts and Harry Potter. The image in my head was just so real, I wasn't really tying it much to the magical books and thinking of real prisons and real therapists instead. But the fact that you're using minor HP characters and mentioned HP reminded me of them and made it seem more canon. Nice job with that. :)
Overall or in General, I liked the story a lot, it was a good read. I wish I could write that mood in the same way you can. :P
I only promised I'd review the first 3 chapters; if I had more time, I'd read and review more, but my queue is kinda piling up right now. If you still want me or need me though, you'd be more than welcome to re-request.
And sorry if I was a bit too...okay, fine, if I was really too nitpicky with the grammar and stuff. Those things always get way out of hand with me and reviewing, I'm way too critical for my own good even if my stories ain't as good at all. I must've bored you. :O
But anyways, thank you for the good read. I'll see you around the forums, good luck for NaNo! :D
*bows*Author's Response: I can't think you enough for these wonderful in depths reviews and how truly helpful they were in terms of editing and reviewing so thank you so much for being so honest and lengthy with your comments! Its taken me a hideous amount of time to respond to this just because there were a lot of things I wanted to say, but I guess now - with this story all finished - all I really want to say is thank you for putting so much time and effort into these review! I really really appreciate it (and sorry for being crap)
-AC Report Review
It's me again. :D Again my review 'exceeds the maximum length of 6000 characters'. -.- So I'mma just PM you the Spelling and Grammar part of the review over at the forums, 'kay? :D
When I first read this, the first and last paragraph blew me away again. You have a way with words I'm jealous of. :P
I think you do very well with Characterisation. I love how you describe them and their emotions. Your Descriptions and Sentence Structure is beautiful. :) I'm interested to see where you'll go with Cattermole and the other prisoners you mentioned too. x3
As for Jessica, that narration of before Euan entered Azkaban makes me know what made Jessica crack from the strong girl who loved him, to the tired wife who could barely stand him. But I guess that's all merely Azkaban. You made a clear point of how there's always a limit to things and everything changes. I love the realistic sense to it. X3
For Tone and Progression of Plot, I think it died down from the suspenseful drama of the first chapter, to a much more realistic and calmer 2nd chapter. A lot of questions were answered, but a lot more were raised and I'm excited to find out more. In short, it's going well. :)
For Flow and Format and Style though, two things were bothering me throughout the story. The first is the inconsistency of the descriptions of Azkaban. If I understand correctly, the first and last parts of the first chapter, were describing a tomb, a grave, a coffin. The first and last parts of the second chapter seemed to be about the same thing - a continuation maybe - but imply that it was in Azkaban. I'm sort of confused on this one. Is this about his casket inside Azkaban? Or is it describing his cell as his grave where he is living - but dead (you did write 'My Spider spins webs up near the ceiling - beyond my reach' which means it might be his cell)? If you were talking about the cell being the tomb in a figure of speech kind of way, then that would be contradictory, as you clearly stated in both chapters that the cell - although it had no windows - had bars. So the part about the gap in the hole and how he blocked it with bread would be pointless since the spider could pass through the bars. Or were you meaning to say he was in a casket inside Azkaban or something? But then where'd he get the bread? I'm sorry, this may just be a big misunderstanding but I was just sort of confused... -.-" Sorry...
The second thing bothering me is that big gap between when Cattermole asked about why he attacked the ministry official and when he said he overestimated Euan. It's sort of distracting; maybe you could put a line there instead? Also, I was confused about the transition as to if that 'I underestimated you' part happened the next day/session or just minutes after the 'why did you attack the ministry official part'? It would be weird if it happened the next day since I would've thought that Alfred would have him narrate his story during the first day. But then again, it was implied that it happened the next day since you really didn't show us when they agreed what a 'slip' is and what 'swamped' meant. Also, how would Alfred know that 'That is an improvement' unless it's been a few days since their last meeting? Euan did only talk about the last few days once when Alfred asked and before he narrated his Azkaban experience...again, this may just be another big misunderstanding and I apologize in advance. It would be nice if you could add a few sentences to explain this to prevent confusion. :)
For the Spelling and Grammar part, I've PMed it to you in the forums. :)
Overall and in General, I think it's unique, beautiful, and interesting enough to keep me reading. Thank you for requesting it! I'm sure that minor common mistakes aside, you are a great author, you have a good way with words. :) I hope I'm not boring you with my extra long reviews yet. -.-
See You Next Chapter!
P.S. I also find it weird that you described the spider with fingertips at the starting paragraph. Not a big issue to me, but just weird. :P :DAuthor's Response: Hey there Sevvy (accidentally typed that out as sexxy and had to backtrack, oh dear AC) thanks for this and for PMing me the rest of the review over on the archives! I don't think you could possible understand how much I appreciate this review and how much it helped me when I got to this big massive edit that I did awhile back. Thank you so much! Sorry for not addressing each point on this review individually, its just cause I implemented all these changes over time and such.
Eternally in your debt! Thank you very much :) Report Review
Why Hello There Helen!
Apparently, I typed everything up and then it 'exceeds the maximum length of 6000 characters' so I'll just PM you my review over at the forums, okay? :D
I'm gonna post the typos part of my review here though. :)
For spelling and grammar, here are some typos I picked up along the way (I may have missed some, but oh well.):
a couple of appointment, -- as you said 'couple' I think you meant 'appointments' as a plural. :)
Slipping in out of conscious means -- you forgot to put 'and' between 'in' and 'out'. I also think 'consciousness' rather than 'conscious' would be simpler and more understandable. :)
I did shameful shameful things with the dank sea salt filling my nostrils. -- uhm, if you meant to double word that, then I suggest putting a comma between both 'shameful's. :)
A beach scene, maybe, the public toilets which reeked and caused the masses to wrinkle nostrils' and cringe their way across the titled floor. -- I don't think the apostrophe after the 'nostrils' is necessary. :)
Crushing weighty pain and and, being a failure, and being a mess, and being mad. Being terrified of going mad. -- either you double-typed the 'and' or misplaced the comma one word after. :P :)
until you just rot away into nothing and and you are nothing. -- the 'and' was mentioned twice here too without anything between them. :)
Doesn't anyone care? You're dying in here? Of thirst and hunger and isolation. You're dying and you're mad and you're desperate. -- I think it would flow better if you used either the 'Doesn't anyone care you're dying in here?' as one sentence, 'Doesn't anyone care? That you're dying in here?' as two questions, or 'Doesn't anyone care? You're dying in here.' as a question and a statement. :)
The third time I had gone hungry I had given up counting, given up with the vague hope that I could survive this - my sentence and had seized my counting. -- either just use 'this' and omit the '- my sentence' or just use 'my sentence' and omit the 'this -' since it's kinda confusing to use both before the 'and had seized my counting' part. :)
"Could thinks be like this forever, Daddy?" -- I don't know if you spelled 'things' like that purposely... :)
God does not care.
I did not expect him too. -- Maybe you meant 'to' instead of 'too?' :D
"Give him too me, give him, he's mine -- I think you meant 'to' instead of 'too' here too. :P :)
"My son," sobbing. Scratching my skin with my bitten fingernails and staring up the familiar ceiling of my cell. -- I was confused on who was sobbing and scratching at this part. :)
chest... the guards they'd... slipped away... -- either put a comment between 'guards' and 'they'd' or rephrase it like this: 'the guards... they'd slipped away...'. :)
All the inhabitants of my corridor were suddenly silent: we all pressed forwards towards our bars -- I think a semicolon would work better instead of a colon here. :)
The guards had moved away completely leaving nothing but the clarity of our real thoughts, -- a comma after 'completely' would be nice. :)
depression -but a wave of something -- with the style you've been going on so far and how there's always a space between the dash and the words, I think you should do the same here too. :)
He reminded me of the bricks; solid, impassive and uncaring. -- a colon rather than the semicolon here would fit better. :)
I thought... whoever this mysterious strange is who's paying for it... -- I think you meant 'stranger' here. :)
"Oh, hon." Natasha said. -- Just a personal opinion, but 'hun' might sound better since they are British. Like they use 'mum' instead of 'mom'? :)
Or maybe that was just the twisted way my thoughts had begun to processes things. -- since you were using past tense in this sentence, 'processed' rather than 'processes would be good. :)
I have no sword, no arrows no wand. -- a comma after 'arrows' would be nice. :)
to remind myself that my coffin is still not completed. -- Just a personal opinion but since you used 'still not' which isn't past tense, 'complete' might sound better than 'completed'. Or you can change it to 'has not been completed' instead. :)
My heart still beats ice around my corpse. -- I didn't quite get what you were trying to say here... His heart beats ice...? -.-"
would not leave me alone untill I'd written it. -- I don't know if I'm supposed to correct this since it isn't part of the story, but 'until' is spelled with only one 'l'. :P
See Ya 'Round the Forums, neh?
*bows*Author's Response: SEVVVYYY!!
Thank you so much for this lovely and beauitfully detailed review. Honestly, this plus all the stuff you said over on the forums is completely. well, it was so helpful! I'm now finally getting round to a full and detailed edit and it was so usefull to have pretty much everything that needed to be done written and waiting for me on this review. Ah! I apprecaite it so much and thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou.
And sorry for taking such a long time to reply. What can I say? I'm a rubbish person.
(and I love the fact that you corrected my authors note. AHA. Wonderful. WONDERFUL I SAY).
-AC Report Review
I saw this in the Betas Wanted section and I thought I was gonna come take a look. I like the story! I can't wait to see what goes next. :P You did a really good job. :)
~ SevvyAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm glad you did decide to take a look. I hope you like what I write next! Report Review
Dear Violie (you know me, I love making up silly nicknames. x3),
Hey! It's SeverusLove from the forums for your review (FINALLY!). :3
The first snippet of the fic is the kind that tends to catch your interest. Not because it was catchy but because it was unique. I've never read much Lily or James/Lily fanfics before but the way you portrayed Lily was just so different... I've always thought of Lily as fiery, kind, and someone who was mad at James; but not mad like furious like you made her. I guess I never really dug very deep to her emotions and never considered how mad she was supposed to be.
I assume you weren't going for canon as this takes place after school when in the series, they got together during their last year at school. So I think the plot was unique. I wouldn't know for sure though, I haven't read "Amaranthine" yet. x3
In terms of spelling and grammar, I didn't find anything particularly major. Here are the ones I was able to pick up on though. And even these are only few. :3 :
"She was sick of the killing and the death and the blood lust that had consumed them all." - I think bloodlust is better off as one word but I also think I'm just being picky and both actually works just fine. :3
"The smallest of things, but those where what changed the world, the things that-" - I think you meant "were" instead of "where" here...? :3
"She knew too-well the sound that tirade," I'm not quite sure what you were trying to say here... >..< Maybe you meant "the sound (of) that tirade,"?
"Does the lady protest too much?" - I haven't read Hamlet, so I wouldn't know. But when I saw your author's note and this sentence, I was confused. Which one of them did you mean? Was one mistyped? Or is one just a revision of the other? As in this sentence you say "Does the (lady)..." while on your AN, you say "Does the (last)..." and I'm just confused. =_=" Also, this particular part threw me off a bit because it sounded like you were suddenly talking to the readers when you said "What was that?" I don't know though as I'm not sure about what you were trying to say.
With you flow and description, I don't find any particular problems. You were however, right when you said "my sentence structure tends to be odd". It is odd. You have a strange way with words. Not in an unclear, vague, eyebrow-raiser way, but in a different, mysterious, unique, eyebrow-raiser way. I think it's the type where you describe a bit poetically about everything and anything that seems not completely related, but not completely unrelated to the subject in question either. It's short and brief, only enough to capture the emotion or relay the point across before moving on to the next thing.
And I think that's a good thing. :3 It makes you stand out more as an author. And you don't make your sentences drag very long dully.
Your tone was consistent and the transitions were appropriate. Only little parts involving James seemed rushed.
""It got him killed!"
James leapt away and she scrambled to catch the cufflink before it fell between the floorboards." -- One minute he was very calm, and the next he was yelling in frustration. I would have loved to see what led him to that.
I would've also wanted to know what led him to not propose as much anymore? What had he really thought of Lily after she killed? Did he not -even just for a moment- feel disgusted?
But then again, this story is told from Lily's point of view so I understand how delving into James' head might ruin the consistency of the story. You managed to exert self-control on explaining James and leave us in a sort of wondering curiousity which makes us feel unsatisfied like the story lacks something, but at the same time, is perfect the way it is. Kudos for that!
"Then she had him. Her smile widened.
The smile fell away." -- this part also was very confusing about James' side as I don't understand what might have led him to cast that spell when nothing was in any particular risk; and you were clear about Lily having him where she wanted. Everything seemed in control, so what made him cast a serious spell on an unnecessary moment?
You wanted me to touch on your characterization more because as you said, you weren't very comfortable writing Lily...I can see that, lol.
As I mentioned earlier, I haven't read much Lily fics but from the little I know about her, I know that she's a fiery, strong, brave, and kind person who always stood up for what she believed in. The way you portrayed her was plausible and realistic; it was not canon-like but not unbelievable either. Besides, I think this Lily fits in better with your story. :3
The way you described her fall from innocence was beautiful and very real. I loved every part of it. My favourite sentence had to be: "We have to keep feeling the guilt, James. Only then do we know what side we're on." -- did you think that up? Huh? Did you see what you did there? It's GENIUS.
James on the other hand, was very good. I can see how he matured. I can see him - both the old him and the new him. You understood him well. :)) I would've loved to see a bit of mischief though as a hint to his old self; although I don't think that would fit in very well with the dark concept of this story.
So overall, if you put aside my nitpickiness. I think it was a beautiful and angsty piece and I loved every moment reading it. Thank you for requesting it. I hope you found my review at least a bit helpful.
See You Around the Forums, neh?
*bows*Author's Response: Holy cow, this review! I've left it, as terrible as it is to admit, because I haven't known how to respond. It's not only long, but incredibly detailed, and that always makes me flail and squee and lose the power of speech. So I'll begin right away with a gigantic thank you for this - it's been a great help and I've made some edits to the story since, hopefully for the better. :)
The one main edit was to clear up that one killing curse scene because Lily's smile fades when she hears James saying the curse - she didn't expect that from him. It ruins his perfect image, but at the same time, it makes him more like her, flawed, fallen. But I hadn't made who said the words clear enough, and I've since fixed that.
I think I'll have to do more with that scene when James loses his temper. Part of the problem is the way that I've jumped through time a few months, and we don't see him slowly snapping; instead, we see the final break. I'm not sure what I should do with that part, but hopefully I'll think of something. It's going to be one of those stories that I just keep editing over and over again, I feel it. XD
Thank you very much for the grammar suggestions - I think I managed to get them all, especially since that first section was the one I edited the most (but I'll check back again just in case). It helps a lot to have another pair of eyes look it over, and non-requested reviewers never seen to mention those things.
I'm sorry that my discomfort with writing Lily showed, as I hoped I could get over it, but this is one of my first times writing her so closely - usually I write stories about her from the male perspective, so this is only the second time I haven't. Maybe one day I'll feel more comfortable writing her - practice makes perfect, right? :D
It's great that you liked that line about guilt - it just came to me one day, probably filtering through from another source that I can't remember, but it seemed so right for this story and the two characters here. It was the lesson they both had to learn, and I'm really glad that you liked it so much. ^_^
Your nitpickiness was fantastic and I really appreciate it! I'll definitely be requesting reviews from you again when my stories need a good going over. Thank you so much! :D Report Review
There are only four chapters to the story so I thought, 'Why not?' and hence, I am here to give another review. Yay! :)
This had to be my favourite chapter aside from that of Tobias' and Eileen's. I was literally sitting on the edge of my seat in suspense the whole time. I had to actually reread the story to focus on giving a helpful review instead of just gushing about how incredibly awesome Snape is. *sighs dreamily* Anyway, ahem...
The flow of the story was very good, it was consistent and there weren't any major parts that wavered.
I think the description was very enthralling and mysterious. Even though I already knew what would be happening next, I was still quite interested in reading sentence after sentence.
The plot was good and although I don't remember much anymore of the Battle of Hogwarts, him planning to go into the fray to find Harry and Lucius telling him of the Dark Lord's summon was quite believable.
I'll be honest, Lucius is one of my favourite characters in HP and I always viewed him as cool, calm, and collected but had deep concern for his family and at times -dare I say it- a coward. And how you portrayed him confused me greatly, I could not decide whether to say it was more cowardly than he actually is or that you portrayed him alright and I'm thinking it's somewhere in between.
Severus' opinion on him though, I would've expected a bit more respect since he was a close friend back in the Slytherin days and from what I gather about the Malfoys, they seem to think highly of Severus even until that day. I also think Severus could sympathize more on Lucius' pain. I mean, he himself knew what it was like to regret joining the Dark Side hence putting his loved ones at risk.
I understand how Severus would think of Draco though, him being sniveling and pathetic and all, but I think he would've been more protective of him, considering how he treated him the past couple of years. I would suspect he would think Draco as a coward but would not want the bitterness of the world and the heaviness of the recent unbearable events to affect him since he does relate to being put in miserable situations, if you know what I mean. That's why he made that Unbreakable Vow to Narcissa to protect Draco, remember?
Anyway, "Bodies littered the grass out here, and Severus could only imagine how much worse it might look inside. His stomach churned unpleasantly at the thought - could he have stopped any of this bloodshed?" - this was one of the most vivid moments for me. You just can't get enough of how regretful Snape is can't you? It just makes me want to run over there and tell him "IT"S NOT YOUR FAULT PLEASE DON"T BE MISERABLE!" (er...right, I have to check myself sometimes lest I fall into deep fangirl mode, sorry 'bout that x3).
There are actually many scenes here I found especially vivid. The thoughts of his obligation to Dumbledore, his last scream and how foreign it was to him, and how his last thought 'before eternal sleep brought him home' was of Lily (man that was poetic). I think you have a good way with words.
I didn't find any major errors in terms of grammar and spelling and I think the characterization was okay. I always love to see how different people portray the death of Snape because to me, it was one of the greatest events in Wizarding History! All his love, anger, all his lies, his truth, his loyalty, just everything is revealed in that point of time and I love reading about it because it makes me honour him all the more!
As I said earlier, I don't remember much of the Battle of Hogwarts so if you could kindly refresh my memory on these sentences, I'd truly appreciate it:
"A feeling of unease had cloaked him since the mark had burned on his forearm, alerting him that the Carrows had caught Potter."
"If Minerva hadn’t prevented him from finding the boy, then he might even now be freed from his obligations to Dumbledore."
So yeah, now it's the end of the story and I can say for sure that it was truly a pleasure reading this, thanks for requesting it, I hope my past reviews were okay.
I'll See You 'round The Forums, neh?
*bows*Author's Response: I'm so sorry this response was so late! I've had a crazy weekend - homecoming and work and senior pictures - and with the archive crash, I've had trouble getting them done. But I am here now!
Seriously, thanks so much for being willing to leave such long reviews on each chapter. It does mean a lot to me. :) I'm so glad you enjoyed reading it!
See you around! ♥ Report Review
And, I'm back again! :D I got so caught up on reviewing the last chapter in an objective light, I forgot one personal observation I had wanted to point out to you. And that is: I LOVED how you put in the date of Severus' birth: "ninth of January, 1960" - simply because it reminds me so much of my own fic, Hopelessness and how I too, dated it - January 9, 1971. Dates make me feel nostalgic and make the piece much more believable especially when these dates are accurate and from the canon. x3
Anyway, back to this chapter:
The start of the story seemed good. Five Slytherins gathered around a tree gossiping about soon becoming Death Eaters. It seemed normal an occurrence but since it was the end of the term, I would've expected to see more of Severus' Slytherin buddies. They were graduating from Hogwarts and starting another chapter so a class of Slytherins discussing their futures together would've been more fitting a picture. Or at least, some of the higher class Slytherins. I wouldn't have really thought of Severus willingly gathered among the more idiotic, lol. I'd picture him by himself rather than them.
Description was good, interesting enough and as usual, full of emotions.
Again, I didn't see anything major with the spelling and grammar so that's good. :))
For characterization, those five guys kinda reminded me of Crabbe and Goyle so I guess that wasn't odd at all. :3
"home with a spineless mother who hardly acted like a true witch, and a father who could have cared less about his son" - now this sentence just made me want to know what went wrong with him and his mother since the last time I checked, his mother loved him deeply. Although, I can assume that Eileen must've loved Tobias too much and consumed in self-pity and hurt, drowned herself in depression and forgot to tend to her son first.
"them without the brains to do it, or the nerve that Severus knew he possessed himself" - yeah, I had to chuckle at this sentence. Severus would do better alone than surrounded by a bunch of idiots. But then again, I suppose he didn't have much of a choice.
"It wasn't fair - it wasn't fair at all." This was a powerful sentence, really.
The flow of the story was good, it was consistent and had the same tone throughout. The first half was a bit dull though and had little depth, I felt like it was more of a filler for the second half.
I find the plot alright. The part where he thought he had the strong will of facing Lily and finally owning up but then at the sight of her and James, chickened out. This was very frustrating to me since he just gave up so easily like that. But it was very realistic and believable and that's what made it frustrating. I myself, tend to be overly confident and then cower out with a pathetic excuse. Severus is just human after all. And I understand how he wanted to make a change in his life as opposed to the miserable place back in Spinner's End. I think you have a good understanding of Severus and his appropriate responses to stuff.
So overall, I think this was a good take on his decision and a good addition to the story. It would also help if this were actually the 2nd chapter and Lily's the 3rd. It helps establish his character more. And yes, I am finally passing my judgement. The first chapter's Snake was not out of character at all. It was just different and needed a bit of a basic history to get used to it (like this chapter and the Birth one).
Anyway, thanks again for requesting, it was a pleasure reading.
*bows*Author's Response: As I've said before, the chapters are horrendously out of order. :3 Someday I may take it down and upload it again to get the proper order, but I'm simply too busy currently!
Keep in mind, of course, that more than seventeen years have passed since Eileen gave birth to Snape. :) She does love him deeply, him being her only son, but I think he would find it extremely degrading that she tarnished her pureblood status (and, by extension, him) in marrying a Muggle. And as for finding Snape alone -- he wasn't a loner. He had friends, just friends interested in the Dark Arts, as he himself was.
Thank you once again for leaving such long and valuable reviews! Report Review
Hey hey hey! I'm back. :D I particularly love this chapter mostly because there is not much known about Eileen and Tobias so you basically have free reign on how to portray them, hence testing your creativity.
The first few sentences were beautiful. The way you went about describing the scenery was very believable, I could almost see it. I tend to be overly critical with descriptions and how sometimes, it gets too boring and drags on dully. But yours didn't seem to be the case since I found I loved every bit of detail and how you made it sound so interesting and poetic. It was simple, and to the point. Yet portrayed the scene and emotions perfectly.
The flow of the story was consistent. Only towards the end of the story when she named him Severus did I find it a bit rushed. Where did this inspiration come from? Was she not surprised at herself? How strong was her will to 'do anything to help him grow into the strong and powerful man she was sure he would become'? (It makes me wonder where she failed since in the series, Severus didn't speak that highly of his mother...) How did she plan on shaping this new hope and purpose in her life and how sure was she of this new hope to her? And how in the world was she supposed to dream of Severus seconds after seeing him? It was all just too sudden, the change of heart, I would've liked to dig deeper and seen her closure and realizations, the depth of her feelings. The issue of Tobias didn't seem to be one she could have let go of fairly easily.
The characterization was very good, you gave meaning and personality to each character and I could see that very clearly - the way Eileen begged to wait for her husband, the tears of hurt and humiliation, the part where her parents warned her against marrying Tobias, the part where Tobias shrugged off his coat carelessly and went to sleep, and even the scene where the mysterious voice of the midwife and her stained teeth made her feel a thrill of fear. They were very unique and gave depth to your characters. I even find myself wanting to know more about everyone - even the midwife and the parents - so that's a plus for you. :)
I didn't see anything majorly wrong with the spelling and grammar.
The plot is good, I can see why this should've been the first chapter to your story. It does sound like THE beginning. Establishing Snape's past and his character and then moving on to more present occurrences, I think it would help the readers understand your take on him more if it was the first chapter.
"Whatever Eileen had hoped might happen once her husband returned home, it hadn't been that.
She felt tears prick her eyes as her strongest contraction yet gripped her body, and it wasn't just from the pain." - this had to be the most vivid part for me. It pretty much sums up their relationship and Eileen's hurt accurately in that couple of powerful words.
Overall, it was very interesting, unique, and believable in a canon-like way. Their emotions went across perfectly and appropriately, I congratulate you on a job well done. :)
I'll See You Next Chapter Then,
*bows*Author's Response: The order of the chapters in this story is messed up, but there is a reason why. :3 Originally, the first chapter was written for a song-fic challenge that was due sooner than the entirety of the story, which was for another challenge altogether. So it was validated first although it is technically supposed to be chapter 3. It was only after validation that I learned that the first chapter, no matter what it is, cannot be moved around.
As for where inspiration for naming Severus came from, it was completely irrational and unprovoked, and that was the point. She had no time to think about it and it was an impulse, if you will. I see Eileen as a somewhat impulsive person, in looking at her marriage and how for all canon intents and purposes it was implied to be unhappy. Report Review
Hey, it's me, SeverusLove from the forums and I'm here to review! :) You seemed to be challenging me with a Snape/Lily Dobby nominated story and I was like: "Oh dear, first review and it's hard already." But hahaha, I did try to give you a helpful review. :))
The first sentence "He had been having that dream again." was good. It's the type that once you read it, it takes your full attention out of curiousity and then your mind automatically tries to guess what's coming next. In plain words, it keeps you reading.
At first, as I was reading the story, I found it somehow uncharacteristic of Snape to get up from weekly nightmares, stumble around, cry, then brush the tears away furiously, and then say her name across the lake on a night in a romantic scene. Oh, and especially not that last sentence. It was too rushed. He had still to get used to saying her name again, much less proclaiming his undying love for her with his mouth.
But then I took a step back and reanalyzed. Lily's son was arriving the next evening and taking into account Severus' character, I suppose it was highly possible of him to reminisce and then shed one or two tears before the living embodiment of his mistakes and pain came.
I understand those particular nightmares and if it were to come more often on the nights approaching Harry's arrival. I understand if it were once a month, once every two weeks, or even once every 10 days. Every week for almost a decade seems too often though. But since Severus Snape didn't really have very much to do with his time other than study, work, and brood, it is a plausible event.
In short, I guess it was just a unique take on Severus that I don't come by very often, and I think you do understand his character, and it was believable enough, so whether it was in character or not, I reserve my judgement 'til I've finished the whole piece.
The description was good, not too much that you'd get bored of all the useless describing junk, but not too little that you don't understand what was happening though.
The flow of the story was good enough, it kept the same tone consistently although there was a part that seemed to waver slightly and was unclear - "It hadn't been easy, either, sneaking up out of his common room in the dead of night," when I first read that sentence and the sentences following it, I wondered what he meant. Were these scenarios from/about his dreams? Or did he do it on the present and then imagine her come? Or was he reminiscing? It was when I reread the part where I understood it. That might be just me although you might want to clear that up a bit.
The plot of the story seems interesting enough. Since I'm not quite sure where you want to go with this yet until I reach the next chapter, it was good so far. :)
"She had turned down apology after apology, seemingly without a care in the world. Surely she must have known she was breaking his heart, but she seemed ice cold and deaf to his pleas. She wouldn't acknowledge his pathetic excuse for calling her...that word. She wouldn't even acknowledge that he had broken rules for her." - this had to be the most vivid part of the story for me. My heart goes out to Severus but at the same time, I understand where Lily comes from too; it was what made it very sad and bittersweet.
"He would look after Lily's son, and attempt to mend what had remained broken between them for so long." - this is the other most vivid part of the story for me and one of my favourite sentences in the story. It's just the sentence I'm sure Severus would have said at one point before Harry's arrival and at other points of his life - Harry's arrival being the more clearer and powerful point of time. You gave the perfect opportunity and setting for it. :)
Severus = Angst = ♥^♥ - me (Yeah, I just had to add that in somewhere in the review. x3)
I haven't found any major problems with the grammar or spelling either so that's good. :)
I still think the last sentence seemed a bit rushed but it's not really something major and I guess it was necessary for you to get the certain effect you wanted for the story and give that powerful ending.
Overall, it was a beautiful angsty chapter and I look forward to the next one. :))
I understand if it takes you a while to respond to this review since this was a pretty long review for one chapter ( I overdid it. =_=" ). But I'd like you to know that a really long reply won't be necessary so if you feel like you owe me one and are troubled by it, you don't. Any length would be enough for me. :))
So yeah, thank you for requesting this, it was a pleasure reading.
See You Next Chapter!
*bows*Author's Response: Thank you so much for being willing to review this story! I'm having a bit of trouble finding exactly what to say to everything here -- you left such a long review and I am so, so grateful for everything you said. So THANK YOU and I hope my other responses will be a bit better than this one! :3 Report Review
So far, the story had been good but I have to disagree with your take on Lucius. Although he is cruel and cold, I've always known him to be cool in demeanor, I don't think he'd be a playboy either since the books always portrayed him as someone who, although had high expectations for his family, took them in high regard and was one of the Death Eaters capable of feeling "love". But I guess that's your opinion on him so I can't really disagree. :))
~SevvyAuthor's Response: I'm going to guess that Lucius is a favorite character of yours :D We always get sort of defensive of our favorite characters, especially when we think they aren't being treated right! But like you said yourself, it's my personal take on Lucius. I wrote most of the story before DH came out, and if I remember correctly, that's really the first time we actually see Lucius giving any sort of real fatherly attention to Draco. Just keep in mind that this a fan fiction :) I think I take some pretty big liberties with Severus' character as well to make him sort of a romantic lead (something we do NOT see with the Harry-filter in the books!) I guess I just needed a couple bad guys, and Lucius was honestly super fun to write as a lecherous playboy! Thanks for the review! I'm (haha, VERY SLOWLY) writing a sequel that takes place in the OotP year. I'm considering maybe making Lucius become much more aware of his family responsibilities in light of Voldemort's return. Maybe not. We'll see. Report Review
Oh well, that was that. It was a wonderful story. I have been in a hiatus for months and when I got back, wasn't sure if I knew how to write HPFF anymore. So I decided to go read stories to remember and this was the first story I read. I don't regret it, it was wonderful. The first couple of chapter made my heart ache in longing, that ache when you miss something and you just returned and you're just so happy. I also loved the beginning chapters and the pictures that went with it. It was so beautiful and melancholic. I almost cried at one of the pictures out of nostalgia. -_-"
I guess the only thing I'll have to ask is when you'll be putting up a sequel. :P Because not only have you answered questions, you even went through the trouble to create more. hehehe. I can't wait 'til Nyah starts Hogwarts. :)) And I'm more than curious about Catherine's family and what caused her to snap.I can't wait already. Don't go making your readers sad, waiting for ages... x3
The fact that Hermione is a professor also fits her perfectly.
Btw, what led you to the choice of that particular wand for her? Was there a reason behind it? Or was it just random? Am I allowed to know? Or do I have to wait for the sequel? x3
Well, overall, I have to say that the story was just beautiful, you totally deserve that award you got. :) Report Review
*le gasp* The spell poem is GENIUS. Were you the one who thought it up? If you were, wow.
~DJSevvy Report Review
Aw. I always viewed Anna as the kind, understanding older sister. But now, it's like she transformed into a mini-Catherine. :( Report Review
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