Reading Reviews From Member: SeverusLove
  
158 Reviews Found

Review #1, by SeverusLoveNot Normal: {Chapter the Second}

29th March 2014:
Hey again, Howhe!

So...I've forced myself to sit and focus and pried my mind open to the words that hath flowed from thy fingers. Hopefully, this review would prove more helpful than that of the previous one.

This chapter was definitely an improvement from the first chapter. It didn't seem as disjointed and flowed nicely, the pace consistent throughout.

The tone of the chapter was light and I managed to plough through the whole block of texts (which, by the way, was just the right amount in length) easily, some portions of narration offering small, inadvertent smiles.

I'm a canon fanatic, if it isn't already blatant, so having Regulus pop in for the ride was like a breath of fresh air and I had to spend his first few lines with general fangirling squees with his Whovian status and outdated modern expressions.

Ginny, I didn't seem to find anything wrong with. She's grown and I guess her maternal instincts has kicked into full-action. It would be nice to see some of her old fire shine through, but then again, this story being centered on Ellie, I understand that there wouldn't be much opportunities to squeeze that in.

Your use of descriptions was amusing and some sentence structures were brill - [My brother is a dude of few words, and many expressions.] - easily being my favourite and most vivid line.

There is one portion, however, that bothers me. [I'd have him know that I'd passed my OWLs with twelve Outstandings - not even Hermione Granger, brightest witch of her age, had managed that.] -- This line sort of just stuck out in an odd angle and reeked of 'Mary Sue-ishness' when I first went over it.Even Hermione had needed the timeturner, something Minerva went through a great deal of process to acquire, to cope with too many subjects, and Hermione was a great deal stressed in doing so, and easily a perfectionist. But then again, this isn't entirely impossible so it can be easily remedied with a decent explanation or expansion as to how she managed this, provided maybe in future chapters.

The plot is progressing nicely with a touch of mystery that gives readers curiousity and it was overall an entertaining read, I find myself looking forward to what you have planned for future chapters...which I'm to go about reading now.

TTYL!
~ Sevvy
*bows*

Author's Response: The last review WAS helpful! That might not have been apparent because it took me so long to reply, but it was definitely helpful!

I liked writing this chapter more than the first too, so that might be why the quality of the writing improved. Or the time gap. Or because it's only in the kitchen.

I'm glad that some places made you smile! I try to be funny sometimes, and I wonder if I'm actually good at it... but smiling is good :)

Regulus is one of my favourite characters to write of all time. I'd like to include him in every single chapter in every single scene because he's just so wonderful and fun to write and because he's a Whovian and that makes anyone like instantly ten times more awesome. I'm obviously a fan girl for one of my own characters. That is not a good thing.

We'll probably get to see Ginny later on in the story, so I'm making a note about it so I remember!

Your kind words about my description make me want to cry with happiness. That is how much they mean to me. Like, seriously.

Ellie's intelligence... yeah. I don't know what to do with it, really. I want to show her as this quiet over-achiever, and I guess that's something I'll have to be careful writing in later chapters because you're right in saying that if it's done sloppily it comes off as very Mary Sue. Although, I remember reading that Percy had twelve OWLs, so I think I'll have to keep in mind how I build that part of her life.

Thanks so much for reading and taking all this time to write these wonderful reviews! I know I come off as a little weird, but I my appreciation is genuine and heartfelt! Thanks once again!


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Review #2, by SeverusLoveNot Normal: {Chapter the First}

29th March 2014:
Hey there, Howhe!

I'm almost certain I've visited every corner of every page, but I can't seem to find your name - or, at least, the name you go by. Since 800 Words of Heaven, albeit a pretty penname, seems too long a title to address you as, I've been left with the challenging task of assigning you one. Kudos if you manage to find out the origin of the name I ended up with. :P

Anyway, first of all, I'd like to relay my gratitude to you for being the first person to take notice of and respond to my review thread over in the forums. Really, thank you. Apologies for the bit of a wait; OCs and Next Gen are two categories I'm not entirely confident I can do justice to in a review, but I'mma just pick this apart according to my honesty and hope that in doing so, you might find something helpful.

It is a rather sad event when a writer has lost his or her 'mojo' for a story, I can definitely relate with that, so I sincerely hope you manage to find it again somehow. Think of all the waiting fans~! ;)

Anyway, *rubs hands together* here goes nothing...

The summary, I'll admit, is indeed attention-grabbing. However, it does have a sort of 'cliche' vibe about it. You know, the story norm, where a normal boy is special because suddenly, he is plucked out of a normal life and chosen by mysterious old and wise people to be the hero in saving the world from impending doom. Well, that, at least, is what I garnered from it the first time I read it.

I do appreciate, however, the unique dubbing of your chapter titles as '{Chapter the First}', '{Chapter the Second}', and so on. Albeit small, I find it unique which gives the story bonus points in terms of appeal.

I also like the consistency of the chapter summaries in relation to the overall story summary and the story title, listing out the different reasons as to the ways 'you know your life ain't normal'. It was as entertaining as the 'You know you're a [insertanythinghere] when...' similarly written lists you often stumble across in the internet. When I read the first chapter's summary, it doubled my interest as I wondered 'Dead people? What does this mean? What's her take on this?' Originally, I'd assumed it was Albus who was the voice of the chapter summary as I'd assumed he was the main character in this story and I wondered what sort of twist this was hinting at, but when I started reading, I realised it was actually the voice of an OC which, despite being slightly disappointing, definitely made a lot more sense.

Perhaps it was because of bias, therefore you are all too welcome to ignore this next bit, but the first five starting lines, like the summary, I found to be a style too often used and a tad forced to be captivating. It sounded like the starting lines of a movie so some may find it interesting, though movies can often be too predictable regardless. It may be important because it is in the first few lines of a story that you capture or miss the reader's interest to persist on.

I decided to endure; the incident with the old woman and her twin not sensing the presence of the stranger managed to feed me a little interest to go on, especially when said mysterious lady turned out to be Ellie's great-grandmother. The description [Somehow, I knew she was dead. Or at least, I comprehended she wasn't quite like me.] and [with about as much haughtiness a five-year-old in her nightie could muster.] were easily the most vivid for me - small beautiful word compilations that managed to keep my attention along with the whole first interaction between great-grandmother and great-granddaughter.

Her grandmother's explanation of the ghosts was a tad confusing because as I understand, those that are stuck to life are the same sort that becomes the same kind as the Hogwarts ghosts that stays with the living. I get what you're trying to say, though you might want to expand a bit more on that, or at least fiddle a bit with the choice of words to clearly distinguish both types from each other as separate.

The pace, progression of plot, and the tone of the story was consistent and comprehensive. The flow was a bit disjointed jumping from past to present and the use of part participle to past tense verbs, but they are minor things at most and could still be understood.

The length proved just right. It is a writer's skill to be able to show, instead of tell the reader, a character's perspective and I loved how you used experiences to put emphasis on your description, like the section with death and how Ellie only just started to comprehend it with her lamb-chops and going vegetarian.

As for characterisation, it is difficult to judge Original Characters and Next Generation Characters as they have little to no basis that I can compare them with. You have pretty much free reign with these characters and it is an interesting twist how you made Rose Weasley so interested in Divination and Albus Potter much more playful and more of a flirt than I'd imagined him to be...

Contrary to what you might think, I did enjoy the overall story in general. It was an entertaining enough of a read and there exists a small curiousity as to where you're planning to go with the story plot and the development of the characters' personalities.

I will be reading and reviewing the next chapter when I can; feel free to PM me over the forums for any clarifications concerning this review or even just to talk. :')

I'll be PMing you what few spelling/grammar issues I'd nitpicked over the forums along with those from the following chapters I will be reviewing.

Keep Writing, yeah?
~ Sevvy
*bows*

Author's Response: You couldn't find my name because I haven't actually posted one out there other than 800 words of heaven. It's amazing that you went to the effort to find one though! That's so cool of you. I really should find something however, but I kinda like being referred to as 800... On a side note, I figured out the secret behind your name for me! It's an acronym of my pen name spelt backward - very clever! I might actually adopt it...

No worries about the request! I'm just a keen bean when it comes to new review threads! I also completely understand about not feeling comfortable for whatever reason with a certain aspect of a story. I don't read a lot of stuff out there because of personal preferences. I think it's amazing that you've decided to spend your valuable time on this despite your preference! Thank you :)

I struggled with the "normal" aspect of the story. Ellie nor her situation is particularly ordinary, and me dubbing it so seems like false advertising almost. You're right in saying that it is a sort of "sales gimmick" - that's probably why it comes off as cliche, actually.

I'm glad you like the chapter titles! I'm terrible at coming up with chapter titles, so just numbering them seemed like a good idea. I included the curly brackets because I think they look cool.

The chapter summaries and opening lines definitely stem for my love of lists. This was the second WIP I started, and coming from a story where there isn't much structure, I really tried very hard for some sort of consistency here.

I get what you mean with the style at the beginning. I was still trying to get used to a new style for a new story, and it comes across as a little stilted in those opening lines! The style is probably influenced by film, or one of those voice-overs. Definitely something to add to the edit list in my drafts!

I'm glad that the flashback garnered some interest! Again, it's a ploy borrowed from film and television, and the translation doesn't always work well, especially if it's a first attempt, like mine! My Achilles Heel is description, so I am incredibly flattered that you found it to be engaging.

I think the "ghost" gift will definitely need to be explained in more detail as the story progresses. Perhaps an example of her exercising her gift will be an apt way to address some of the outstanding issues.

THE FLOW KILLS ME IN THIS STORY. I have no idea why. Okay, I have some idea why (one should update their stories more often if they don't want to forget what happens) but thanks for pointing that out. I've made a note about your suggestion with the verb tenses, so that I'll keep a closer eye on them as I write.

I added about 1500 words to the edit which I reposted. I was worried that I'd pushed the chapter for too long. A long first chapter can be a real no-go for many readers. I'm glad that you feel that it worked at the length it is.

Much of the characterisation of Next Gen characters is based on fanon, and I understand how they can be difficult to judge. Albus is definitely portrayed as being less out-there as I've painted him here, but we'll see how well that sits with him over the course of the story, I suppose. I really dislike writing him since he gives me so much grief!

Thanks so much for this fantabulously awesome review! I really appreciate all the feedback, and I'm obviously happy that you enjoyed it!


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Review #3, by SeverusLoveRasputin: Severus Snape

26th March 2014:
Wow, if it weren't for that Author's Note at the bottom...I didn't expect Severus would be a least favourite character of yourse; you wrote him quite well.

For some reason, the first few scenes reminded me a lot about my first fic, 'Hopelessness', but only in some aspects. You definitely expanded on Eileen and Tobias and gave them much more personality; I greatly appreciate that.

I love your analogy of Lily and Christmas with the red of her hair and the green of her eyes. It was so fitting. I loved how you wrote that he found comfort in her and envied her parents; his reasons to delve into the dark side was made more justified and clear with this.

I'm not familiar with Rasputin or his story. I tried Googling him but I can't quite make out what his place was in Russian history...but he does sound intriguing. e.e

You did great in the writing of this, thank you for that. There was a sentence or two I came across that was a bit funky for me --

[magic was where the power lied.] -- 'lied' just seems a bit of an odd choice of word since, reading it, the first comprehension that registered was the Pinocchio kind of 'lied'. Maybe switching it with 'magic was where the power lay' or 'magic was where the power laid' might seem better? That's just me being picky though; feel free to ignore me.

[Severus needed to bid his time and play his cards right.] -- I'm not sure if this was intentional or not as 'bid' does seem in league with the 'play his cards' part, but, in my opinion, 'bide' would make more sense instead.

That aside, I enjoyed reading this; keep on writing, yeah?
~ Sevvy

Author's Response: I'm really glad to hear that it wasn't obvious that Snape was my least favorite character! To write objectively is always my goal despite my personal feelings, so I'm glad to hear that!

Hmmm, I will have to go back and check the grammar on those two sentences. Thanks for pointing it out! :)

Rasputin was a sort of double-agent in Russian history. He was a rather complicated character!

I'm glad that you enjoyed this! Thank you!


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Review #4, by SeverusLoveThe Mildly Perilous and Mostly Tragicomic Misadventures of Sir Roderick Gryffindor and 'Sir' Ivan Harris: In Which Ivan Fights Like a Man

24th March 2014:
Why, hullo Zchen! (Figured it out yet? I thought so.) [becauseithoughtsoappliestoanyanswer]

Anyway, me again. Hey there, how's it going? To start off, pardon me for any mistakes or if there are portions about this review that is hard to understand. While I'm writing this, I'm feeling a tad sleepy so I may not be able to organise my thoughts in the most efficient way. Feel free to PM me for clarification on any sentence/s that makes you scratch your head. :')

If I want to, I never read the previous reviews left in a chapter I am about to review. This is because reading others' gushing and/or critique might influence my own to subconsciously be more aware for those. Since I want my review to be as fresh as possible with my own ideas and opinions, I only read the reviews after I've done mine. Reading over the reviews of the first chapter, I was most amused by the theory of Max playing Sims since it did seem entirely plausible and it was hilarious. (Annnd yes, you could so make this a LotR crossover! :'D) ...Yeah, it was just something I thought to mention.

Putting the first chapter aside, when I first opened this second chapter and read the first few lines, it occurred to me that unlike a third voice in which the narration can pertain to the character-in-question's own opinion by choice of words to describe a certain event, writing it with a personified narrator clearly makes the chosen words for descriptions (like the [Ivan left the idiots to ogle their gain] portion) stem from Max's personal opinion. This confuses me a bit at times because it still surprises me when Max and the actual characters of the story interact with each other out of nowhere, though I'm getting used to it.

(Ah, comic relief.) In this particular portion -

["All our bravest men left this morn," Brirk the pub owner informed. "They've business in Wessex, they do."

Roderick was agitated, or so it would seem. Ivan surmised that he'd been forced to repeat himself multiple times to the idiots, as they were easily distracted.

Ivan asked, "I did?"]

I initially thought she was responding to the pub owner's statement and it was a proud kind of reaction with the sort of subtle insinuation that she was part of 'our bravest men', so when I read the next portion -

[Indeed.

"Hm."]

I was quite confused to what Max was talking about and who was speaking. Only after I read the portion after that did I realise what was going on. I reread the above portions and it was made clear to me.

Some parts made me laugh, the parody over 'Mary Stu' and the [who can destroy the demons within Ivan, causing her to switch back to her intended team] bit, the moment I realised Onlian Extra and Nother Extra's names (that scene reminded me a lot of an Alice in Wonderland scene with the Tweedle twins), and a lot of little portions gave me a fit of giggles (a quick tea break in the middle of a sword fight? Really?).

So I stand by what I said in the first chapter in that Max can sort of disrupt the flow of the story sometimes, but then again, they're all equivalent sacrifices for humour, so... ;)

The tone of this chapter was really different from the first one because it was more lighthearted and definitely a lot more Max in it. (Yes, I do think he kind of overpowered it in this chapter. Just a bit. Since he keeps drawing the focus back to him...but if that was your intention, then it's no problem with me.)

The plot and pace seemed a bit rushed in this chapter like the portion about the sword fight and sneaking into her brother's room, so it also seemed a bit too short of a chapter with a lot of dialogue in it. Longer scenes or added scenes might be nice to add on a little to the length of the story. In all honesty, it was a bit disappointing as I didn't find the depth I got from the first chapter but since this is a humour/parody fic and all, I guess I ought to get used to the more lighthearted tone until something tragic happens with her father or brother or something like that, lol.

Roderick Gryffindor is an interesting character, I thought he was just a parody off Godric, so the fact that he was actually Godric's [i]son[/i], well, that was a pleasant surprise. And yay for AU allowing for freedom in alterations to the Grey Lady and the Bloody Baron's story!

I stand by what I said about the description and sentence structure. As long as its perfectly comprehensible, it's all good with me. (Bonus points for utilising the humorous way of telling zi story!)

Format is all fine and dandy, too, only the part where it double spaces before the next scene bothered me a little (because I'm nitpicky like that with a story format's consistency, smh, feel free to ignore me on this).

But then, overall and in general, it remained an entertaining read that brought a lot of amusement so great job with that! The most vivid moment and one of my favourite descriptions was definitely the part where she sees Roderick in all gold and Marty Stu-ish as she walks across the room but then later realises her mistake and Max credits it due to her being lightheaded from the stench of the 'idiots'. From 'A man' to 'made of gold' - the full four paragraphs of it. I liked the description. :')

And that's that! Phew, there's me finally completing this! :D /isproud/ Thank you again for requesting this. I tried to make the best out of it; I hope I was of some help to you. I'll see you around, yeah? :D

Keep Writing,
~ Sevvy
*bows*

P.S. I decided to send the grammar/spelling bits from this chapter along with the ones from the first chapter, over the forums as well. It would be kind of silly and impractical to have them permanently up for public view here after you later edit in the corrections.

Author's Response: I still have no idea what Zchen means, and it is really disturbing me! I'll have to do more research...

You really did these much faster than I expected O.o .. like, WOW fast (because that's about how eloquent I am at the moment).

Hahaha, yeah, Kenpo pretty much demanded that her guess was correct :D. So, I'll let her believe that Max is playing the Sims. I was playing with an idea that could border on a LOTR crossover, but I'll have to see how that pans out.

Oh, yeah, I can see how that could be confusing with Max speaking directly to Ivan. I should probably attempt to bring more clarity to that portion so that the readers know that Ivan is addressing Max and not Brirk. I should probably attempt to make it clear at ALL times when Max and another character are interacting directly, which hadn't really occurred to me.

The 'Mary Stu' portion left me feeling uncertain, and I considered eliminating it. I've been getting some pretty good feedback from it, so I'm glad it was appreciated. You see, there's sometimes that I believe something is funny... and it's just not. As for the Xtras, I'm really glad you caught that, because not everybody has. I suppose they do share a likeness with the Tweedles! The tea break, well, I blame that on being overtired and being silly :D.

Yes, the give and take, right?

This was a lighter chapter, as I meant for it to be a transitional chapter. That being said, I was running out of actual events that could have occurred, and it is painfully short (and filled with Max). I would like to add more depth to it. As I've said before, however, if I cannot seem to extend this chapter further I may have to combine it with the first chapter. I would consider adding the next chapter, but that one is turning out a bit lengthy and there's a significant time lapse, so... There are some substantial dark and angsty portions of this, so I'd like to add the humor wherever I can.

Roderick was perhaps not the most ingenious name, but I like it :D. I've really wanted to write with the Baron for a while, and this gave me a perfect opportunity!

The spaces were quite large, though it wasn't intentional. I would like it more uniformed as well.

Thanks so much! You've been so much help ♥ !

If there's anything I can do in return, just PM me, yeah?

Thanks again! ♥ ♥ ♥

-Rumpel


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Review #5, by SeverusLoveThe Mildly Perilous and Mostly Tragicomic Misadventures of Sir Roderick Gryffindor and 'Sir' Ivan Harris: In Which Ivan Dreams Like a Man

24th March 2014:
Hey there Zchen! (bonus points to figuring out the name ;D)

SeverusLove here from the forums and thank you so much for stopping by and dropping this off at my review thread! I must say, I absolutely adore Elizabethan English, Old English, Victorian Era English, and archaic words (a major reason why I'm so taken with LotR) so seeing a story riddled with it like this naturally amplified my interest. (I basically started off by staring at the Glossary for a while and going "D'aww, thiz English." :'D)

According to experience, stories with particularly long titles are usually in the humour genre. This be another point in fact.

I've seen a good many lot attempt this style of a story in which the narrator is personified and given his own voice/personality but as it is yet the first chapter, I cannot come to a conclusive opinion of your use of him as of yet. However, I have already noticed the existence of its advantages and disadvantages. That being it has greatly aided in providing endless opportunities for inserting humorous comic relief, but at the risk of disrupting the flow of the story. For example, in the section where Max is directly addressed for the first time, long paragraphs of narrator-y descriptions preceded it and I had delved really deep in it, but when I reached the part here:

[Ivan could not only -

"Sir Maximus!" Ivan scolded me, still standing in the frozen scene that we left her in. "The back story is becoming unnecessarily garrulous, and I'm cramping from holding this position!"]

I was taken by surprise and jolted out of the images formed in my head especially by the sudden use of the word 'me', as I had been reading it thus far under the assumption of the third point of view though I realise now that I should have known better, and also by the cliffhanger of the last line and wondering what the continuation to that narration should have been. It was rather amusing, however, because of the bit of truth in the 'garrulous' part and the picture of the the present being frozen and the main character complaining of cramps because of it.

Also, I felt during the earlier part of the narration where Max added that [That's right, children - though, none of you are actually children, as you need to be 17 or older to be reading this due to the maturity rating and applicable warnings - Ivan had manly swagger.], I felt that it kind of disrupted the flow a bit; but I won't deny the bit about 'manly swagger' made me snicker and then decide to forgive that. It was like sacrificing a bit for some humour. Give and take, yeah?

But having Max is like having that second opinion objective from the characters' and that speaks for the majority at large like in the line - [and who would much rather prefer that the narrator, and everybody else for that matter, refer to her as "Ivan", though most refuse her this luxury as it is most uncouth]. Thus far, I don't think he has overpowered the story much yet as I happen to be

Whether these elements are good for the story or bad, varies according to the personal opinion of each reader so you shouldn't be too worried about it. As for me, I am more or less neutral with it. :)

The pacing of the story and the progression of the plot thus far has been consistent and I can't find portions that requires pointing out of being either too rushed or too slow, but as it is yet the first chapter, again, I can't yet form a conclusive opinion on that. The length of the chapter, I think, is just about right. Though for those particularly taken with the story, I can imagine being a bit short.

There were some portions I had to reread to comprehend, but that may only be because I was a tad distracted. Your description is wonderful and perfectly comprehensible to me but I suppose it's because I noticed we have a similar style of sentence structure in the use of commas, dashes, and hyphens, in which we share a close friendship with commas and thus, commas are abundant. (Though be wary - sentences can run a bit long because of that; let the last sentence be a case in point.)

I like how you emphasised your characterisation of both OCs with the small things like the image of Ivanna running across the grounds and the chambermaids blushing after her because of her flimsy clothing, or scaling the wall to Nicholi's room where he is pacing with anxiety, as well as his opinion of his sister being an interesting case to study. It is these small things that offers another dimension to the OC, which I most value.

I see the bits of magic you put into it - the bit about Ivanna actually being a witch (to the knowledge of no one but the readers yet) and the twist of everyone else thinking it was the demons and a blasphemy to 'Him'.

Overall and in general, it was an entertaining and pleasant read, the most vivid lines being [In fact, Ivan constantly sought her father's blessing and praise, but could only receive it indirectly, by the attention paid to her brother, Nicholi, instead.] and all her innocent reasons for wanting to become a man - [grandeur, adventure, glory, power, (ignoring the latter part for personal preference)]. My favourite part was definitely the 'dramatic speaking and flamboyant body movements' as part of their lessons as the olden days does tend to be portrayed as such.

Despite my preferences and uncomfortable areas, I've endeavored to be objective and to keep an open mind so I hope you find some of these of some help. I shall review the next chapter when I can. Keep writing, yeah?

Best Regards!
~ Sevvy
*bows*

P.S. As the character limit will not allow me to add in the spelling/grammar discrepancies I have managed to pick out, however few they are, I will be PMing them to you over the forums, alright?

Author's Response: Hey there,

You reviewed these two chapters like you were getting paid for it! That's awesome. There will be no bonus points for me, because even Google cannot give me a meaning to Zchen. :(

Phew, I'm glad that you appreciate archaic language, because it could have been tedious otherwise. The original title was much shorter, but every time I changed it...it just continued getting longer and longer. Though, I have had many comments on having the longest title in HPFF history (but I think I could find a longer one if I really tried).

Max was created specifically for comic relief to the darker portions of the story. His sudden insertion after much background information was intended to break up the dryness of the introduction, though it is quite jarring. That was something that I hadn't quite noticed, but I will consider making the voice of the narrator clearer in the beginning of the chapter.

Max's braking of the fourth wall, calling the readers "children", was meant purely for my own amusement. I really does disrupt the flow, though, doesn't it? I find that I enjoy writing this story better when I'm extremely overtired, so this actually has a ton of meaningless happenings meant to make myself laugh. So, yeah, I suppose it's all give and take. I hadn't thought about it like that before, so thank you.

Yeah, I suppose it would be opinion-based on whether they were good, bad, or indifferent.

This chapter, I was fairly satisfied with as far as length, mostly because the remainder of the content I wanted to save for the second chapter. However, if I cannot manage to bulk up some of the second chapter, I may have to consider combining the two.

I have always had a comma addiction, and sometimes that has made trouble for me. I try to keep a close eye out, but I still seem to end up with run-ons and whathaveyou.

I am glad that you liked the characterization, because I love OCs and find them very fun to write. I have a problem, where all of my characters require character sheets before I begin to write. It helps me keep on track, though does dampen significant character growth (which I have to be careful of).

With the time, I thought it was appropriate to have Ivan's magical ability be viewed as some demonic power.

Thanks so much for taking a look at this, though it may not be down your alley. You've been extremely helpful (and timely, to boot).

I've received the PM (thank you, thank you), it was really helpful. Despite looking over it myself, it still seems that typos and errors escape me!

Thanks so much!

-Rumpel


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Review #6, by SeverusLovePlaying Pretend: The Last Remaining Fan

24th March 2014:
Amanda,

Amanda. Amandamandamanda. Wow, this was...I didn't even know someone could do that - take one of the annoying characters and give him/her a personality. You really stretched your creative muscles there and took such rein over Gilderoy and made him so much more human that I sympathised with him. His last words though...so meaningful. :') This could definitely be his canon-redemption. It was a masterful piece of literature; thank you for the read.

Lots of love,
~ Sevvy

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Review #7, by SeverusLoveA Few Minutes More: A Few Minutes More

24th March 2014:
That was just absolutely sweet.

I don't read much Next Gen but I find this little fic simply realistic and adorable. I also like the descriptions of Quidditch as that sport is always entertaining. However, I did find an issue with the mechanics as you wrote that Ginny had tried the 'Wronski feint'. As she seemed to be playing as a chaser against a keeper throughout the whole fic, this seemed a bit odd since the Wronski Feint is a seeker move, unless you were trying for a different version of it. :')

I love the little interruptions and the hints of personality from all three children, my favourite part being Al's "He can't possibly sleep outside!" for a flobberworm. :')

Also, this sentence - (Why don't you ask Albus to read you from 'Tales of Beetle the Bard?') might need a tinge revision as I feel it might be read and interpreted better with the word "to" in between "read" and "you", otherwise, eliminating the 'from' can also do. That might have been confusing so here's a demo:

Original Structure:
Why don't you ask Albus to read you from 'Tales of Beetle the Bard?'
Suggested Structure:
Why don't you ask Albus to read to you from 'Tales of Beetle the Bard?'
Why don't you ask Albus to read you 'Tales of Beetle the Bard?'

Aside from that, it was a sweet read. I'm surprised to see it's one of your first stories in here since it is rather good. I hope to see more from you, keep writing, yeah?

Lots of Love,
~ Sevvy

Author's Response: Hello Sevvy,

First off thank you so much for the great review. I appreciate all of the cc and I will fix both of your suggestions.

You caught me with the Wronski feint - I needed another Quidditch move and I usually research anything I am not sure about - so thanks for pointing that out.

I also really appreciate the vote of confidence and I will definitely keep writing!

Thanks so much!

Beth


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Review #8, by SeverusLoveHeading Out to the Highway: Decompression

23rd March 2014:
Wow, I'm surprised. I loved the way you showed Sirius' love and concern for Regulus. ("All he wanted to do was make his family proud, and that's eventually gonna cost him his life." The feels that line gave me.) This was so in-character for Sirius and few people can manage that; I could imagine it canon. I pictured Reg's situation so similar to Draco's, really.

I think you could have done just as good without the crude language, but that's a personal opinion. The humour though - morbid, sarcastic humour. But it's humour nonetheless and it's my kind of humour. ;)

("Certain nights are made for dancing with the devil." -- this line though...luvvv)

Anyways, thank you for the story; keep writing!
~ Sevvy

Author's Response: Hi, there!

I like to think that Sirius did care for his brother and the fact that Regulus became a Death Eater pained him in ways that he wouldn't readily admit to his friends. He spent the first eleven years of his life trying to be a good son and heir to the Black family before he met James and was sorted into Gryffindor. However disillusioned he became, you can't completely turn that off.

The crude language was just a choice that I made. I agree that it could have been fine either way.

I loved that line as well.

I'm really glad that you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading and reviewing!


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Review #9, by SeverusLoveComing Home: Coming Home

23rd March 2014:
So...I've never heard of showing signs of magic only when one is of age, and if they did, I garner they'd have to start in First Year nonetheless. Or was that just a pun/joke that I'd misread?

Anyway, it was an interesting read, and could be considered canon... I came across a few typos though as I went along;
("Oooh!" Whistled Mrs. Weasley "Is she your girlfriend?"

"No!" protested Arthur but he was blushing furiously.) -- seeing as these two lines were back to back, the issue in consistency was blatant enough that I paused reading to stare. In the first part, you capitalised the verb 'whistled' after the dialogue while in the second line, the verb 'protested' is in small letters. For consistency's sake, you ought to choose one format and stick with it. Personally, I prefer the latter. :)


("James and Sirius," said Arthur "They said that they saw the Dark Mark on his left wrist."
"But they are," said Arthur "What about-?") -- in both instances here, it would be nice to put either a comma or a period after the 'said Arthur' bit in between the dialogue.

("Only on the Slytherins," said "Slytherins are idiots!") -- and here, you skipped out the name altogether.

But people make mistakes all the time (it's how we learn) so keep writing, yeah?

Love and Hugs,
~ Sevvy

Author's Response: Thanks for taking the time to review :) I really appreciate it
HEG


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Review #10, by SeverusLoveIn A Lifetime: I

23rd March 2014:
So...in the first few sentences, I was rightly amused because it hinted at a Salazar/Rowena tragic pairing and it reminded me of the tragic story of the Bloody Baron - Slytherin's House Ghost, and Ravenclaw's House Ghost - her own daughter.

At another point, Salazar reminded me a lot of the tragic story of Snape and the comfort he found in Lily like Salazar does Rowena here...

For a piece of fiction, it is indeed entertaining. I'm very touchy with the subject of betrayal, so I felt close to shedding a few tears at the end, feeling just as betrayed by Rowena and Godric and a touch of resentment. You set up a very sound basis for Salazar and Rowena's relationship and Salazar and Godric's friendship, I think it might have been nice to see how Rowena and Godric turned up like that to justify how they were supposed to be 'destiny', but, telling it from Salazar's perspective, I guess you couldn't do that much. Did you do that on purpose to make the readers feel just as betrayed, too?

It occurred to me also, in the first few paragraphs, that although having his mother burned at the stake by Muggles would give Salazar's character a basis for his contempt against them, it seemed a bit unlikely since Hogwarts History often said that the Salem Witch Trials were useless because the fires couldn't affect the wizards. Seeing as Salazar's mother was an adult, I would have thought she could have at least done wandless magic; neither do I quite understand how the scene where his fathers goes to help turned out hopeless as a wizard such as he could surely have easily taken care of such a situation - unless you were trying to imply he was conspiring with them for the murder of his own wife?

Also, the last scene...it doesn't quite feel like redemption without a final conversation between Salazar and Godric to at least bring about some closure. Did Godric simply run out of time? Because he did look like a coward not coming in, that or Rowena just wanted to hog all the last time to herself, lol.

Anyway, I haven't read many Founder fics before so this was definitely an interesting read.

I managed to spot some typos along the way, so in case you were planning to edit this in the future, I'mma hand them over to you:

"He covered his ears as the shouting from downstairs gre(y) louder," -- that was meant to be 'grew', perhaps?
"and tucking it behind her (w)ar." -- this one should be 'ear', understandable mistake as the w and e letters are beside each other on the keyboard.
"The way she shivered slightly in the cool night (ear)," -- and I'm guessing this was supposed to be 'air', but I could be wrong. *shrugs* Nobody's perfect. ;)

But anyway, thank you for this story and keep on writing, yeah?
Cheers!
~ Sevvy

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Review #11, by SeverusLoveInfinity: Infinity

23rd March 2014:
Wow...

I'm just really amazed right now.

How did you even-

No words.

Author's Response: This review is leaving ME with no words. ♥ I don't even know what to say to you! I'm just really happy that you enjoyed the story, and thank you very much for taking the time to leave a review. :)

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Review #12, by SeverusLoveWithout a Trace: Parting Ways

16th September 2012:
OMG RC,

THIS. IS. GENIUS.

Crossover between three WOW worlds! I haven't watched Doctor Who yet, but you made me want to. RC, you must continue. MUST! And you should definitely update soon, if not just to please an old friend which you haven't seen in so long xP (I miss you, too). I just so love Sherlock Holmes and the way you made the three worlds intertwine in such an interesting way... My mind got blown. xD Update, hmkay? And soon. :P If not, well, how 'bout you just email me when it's all done so I can finish it all in one sitting? hahaha

Lots of Loff,
~ Sevvy

Author's Response: Thank you! You definitely need to go watch Doctor Who. Now. If just to understand the story better :P As I said in my A/N I haven't updated this story in centuries until now, but hopefully updates will be more frequent now that I sorta kinda know where I'm going with this again :P Thanks for the review and it's good to hear from you again!

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Review #13, by SeverusLoveJust Harry: Just Harry

11th September 2012:
Yo Eebie!

It's been like what, almost one year since you requested this review? And I am terribly sorry about the delay. (You thought I was never going to get to it, didn't you? :P) I haven't been around in a while, but now I'm back again and finally making time to help you out. :)

Okay, first of all, I'd like to point out that in your story summary, besides it being a bit saddening I cannot see the banner, it would probably be a bit better if you could add a comma to this portion: "While the castle sleeps(,) Harry takes a moment to reflect on who he is now that Voldemort's gone."

And on to the actual story--

The length was alright. It would be nice if you could extend it a bit though, add in a bit more description and emotion to the piece, perhaps to make the images more alive in our mind's eyes.

I did not find any spelling mistakes, although there were plenty in grammar. The pace and flow, I think, was affected by your grammar which I think you need to work on. Commas - where to place them and where not to place them is your weakness, so perhaps you could get a beta-reader to help you improve with that. :)

The tone and progression of plot was a little rushed at parts, which further backs the suggestion that you might want to expand a bit just to make the transitions a bit smoother.

Your sentence structure was alright, average in the least. I especially loved the last paragraph though, "Nor was he the "Boy that Lived" or the "Chosen One"; those titles died with Voldemort." being the most vivid and my favourite quote amongst all as it signifies that everything, no matter how great, wasn't going to last forever. It was very deep and true to tie those titles with the threat and with that threat gone, it was going to fade into history like others.

You may need to work on the formatting though, changing double spaces into one and inserting a space between the title and the content at the very beginning. I agree with another reviewer in that it would probably be of more benefit to transfer that sourcing inside the parentheses to an Author's Note at the bottom so as not to disrupt the flow and bring us out of the story. Also, for ellipses, I would suggest not placing spaces between them and leave them as it is - '...' as it is more readable and professional of a writer. :)

In general, it was very well written for a first fanfic and it does have potential and lots of space to grow. Writers never start out great, but learn as they go and develop their own styles that fit them.

For characterisation, as one said earlier, different people may have different views to things; including and especially but not limited to what Harry should be like after the Final Battle at Hogwarts. In my personal opinion, the only issue I have is that I don't think that Harry would be exactly so content as to see only himself when looking into the mirror again. The Mirror of Erised is very powerful, and having him look into it and see only himself is so definite and exact, I'd beg to differ that all the past events and griefs having changed him and affected him so deeply that there will be certain things that would leave a mark and haunt him even after. Perhaps, the 'Just Harry' theme could still work with an ordinary mirror and just his view on the core of his existence with a short moment of peace and accomplishment. This, however, is my personal opinion and others may differ and as a large chunk of the story is related to said mirror, you may leave it at that.

But overall, I'd encourage you to keep writing and I hope to see (and hear) more from you; you won't regret all the practice. :)

See ya Round the Forums, neh?
~ Sevvy
*bows*

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Review #14, by SeverusLoveMessrs, Canes, Maps, Twins, Confusion and a Whole Loada Running!: Confiscated and Highly Dangerous

4th November 2011:
JAAAMES! XD

SURPRISE! :D Instead of replying to your review right away, I decided to return the favour instead. :D Yes, I'm a dear, you don't need to say if anymore but thanks for thinking it anyway. ^-^

TO THE STORY - ...I was going to continue here but you caught me on Skype so I am going to rant now first. YOU JUST RUINED MY SURPRISE. :/

Oh, I forgot to mention that I am such a bad friend for never having stopped by your page before! I mean really, I've been here before, once, when I first heard about you in the forums - I went, "James? He's nothing compared to our Cal!" and then took a peek here and left.

But now I know your amazing-ness, I happened to glance back due to your review and then I saw this bunch of stories that looked sooo interesting so now I'm on a roll to read them all! :D (except next-gen, coz I hardly read next-gen. :P).

Okay, TO THE STORY - Hilarious, period. I may be a little confused though as to the part with the flashback. Was that just sort of like a mirror as an alternate universe kind of thingy? Also, the last part: ghostly marauders? :O When did that happen? Past? Present? In the map? Shutting themselves? :O

I love the dialogue, 'tis hard to create them. I find myself troubled by how to go about them myself. :D

And your characterisation - perfect. At least, really close. I love the Weasley twins, they're hilarious. The Marauders are mischievous too . :D :D :D :D - four laughs for them! x3

Your style is lighthearted and humorous - a real opposite to my dark angsty ones, but I guess I do need some of these now and again, else my sense of humour vanishes. -.-

And as for spelling and grammar - I did, proudly, find one little thing. Unless you meant Filch to saying "vandalising" as slang, then I believe it's "vandalising". But if you did, well there is one more. Over at the beginning when Fred tells George to run. If you read through it quickly, you wouldn't mind who's speaking as you can merely just imagine the twins arguing. But if you read through it carefully - it is odd that Fred is speaking first and then I assume George speaks next, and then Fred, and this tirade continues. But when it gets to "Fred!", of course we assume it has to be George speaking...and Fred spoke before him. It must be me but their roles seemed to be mixed somewhere in that chaos and I can't figure out when. -.-"

ALSO, you should make a full-on novel length story about the Marauders and Fred and George. Probably like a going back in time thing? Coupled together, they would be hilarious and I would love to read it. But if I remember correctly, you ALREADY have lots of WIPs going on. *stares at you until you get uncomfortable*. Yes, this is my way of nagging *coughintimidatingcough* you to write and finish your stories. :D

Also, I was so interested in reading this because then I get to take a peek at how a HPFF -man- thinks. Men's minds are confusing, but it indeed isn't that far-fetched from women's. Except well, more manly. Gah! It's hard to explain. And that probably didn't even make sense. -.-

Now I must bid thee goodbye so I can read that other story that caught my eye earlier. :D

Bye! *hugs*
~ Sevvy (I'm amazing, I know. ^^)

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Review #15, by SeverusLoveHogwarts Sanitarium: Connections

4th November 2011:
There? You stopped there? And you haven't updated in years? -.- How could you? *goes into a corner to cry her little heart out* Well what a cliffhanger. :P

~ Sevvy

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Review #16, by SeverusLoveHogwarts Sanitarium: Escape of a Madman

3rd November 2011:
Cant get caught with keys! -- typo. Needs an apostrophe. It's going great so far. :)

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Review #17, by SeverusLoveHogwarts Sanitarium: Where am I?

3rd November 2011:
Hey, this story idea seems so interesting, I am enjoying so far. :) Here're some typos I have found:

There is no chool for witchcraft and there is no magic, nor is there any order, -- I think you meant "school" instead of "chool". :P

"I'd rather spend time with her than with Aunt Petunia,' Harry shivered. -- Your last quotation marks turned into a ('). :P

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Review #18, by SeverusLoveLofticries: Disintigration

2nd November 2011:
Why Hello There Char!

It's SeverusLove from the forums and I'm here for your review (FINALLY -.-). :)

First of all, I'd like to tell you how totally graphic and weird this all is - mostly for the fact that it's Bella/Lucius and that is just so weird. :P And second, I'd like to say that I am (oddly enough) intrigued by the story. You managed to write it in such an entrancing way. I love psycho stories like this, hahaha. :P If it were any other writer, I would've hated it already.

The pace and the length was perfect, it was not too short and not too long. The tone was dark and psycho - which I love. The flow and progression of plot was very good too, the transitions were clear and made sense.

As for description and sentence structure, they were beautiful; you have a wide sense of vocabulary I wish I had. That way, I wouldn't have troubles trying to express what I want to express. I love your choice of words. :D

The most vivid line for me would have to be:

"Regret isn't something that she's used to yet she sits there, looking back on her life, wishing a few things had been different." -- it's just so Bella-like and unBella-like at the same time. I can't imagine her regretting but if she ever did, this is the way I imagine it would've gone. I also loved the last line of the story and the one about her being irked about Lucius ordering her around. xP

For characterization, I don't really have much to go by. Since it is AU and Lucius/Bella, it would obviously be at least a bit OOC. Which it is. But I appreciate the way you keep Bella's thirst for control, to not be ordered about, her desires to please her masted, her love for torture, and her psychotic and insane self. She only had a tinge of OOCness in her. :)

I also like how you somehow maintained Lucius' pride and sense of being above others. Although I admit he was really OOC. :P

As for spelling and grammar, unless you did this on purpose but your chapter title "Disintigration" is misspelled. It's supposed to be "Disintegration". :)

"Faces pass before her eyes, their faces contorted in agony, their mouths open on silent screams." -- I think "mouths open in silent screams" would sound better. :)

Also, I've noticed that there are some sentences, that just seem to be off or too long. This one for example:

"It was the giving up of the baby she'd carried for nine months to a heart-broken woman who no longer called her "sister" that had laid bare the path to purgatory and it'd been the disappearance of her lord and master that had broken her."

-- it would be nice if there was a chance to pause to catch my breath if I ever read that aloud, hahah. :D It would be nice if you put some sort of comma, period, or semi-colon in there. Maybe between the word "purgatory" and "and"? :)

Another example would be:

"And so she forgets the little face and focuses on her master for she knows that he will come and he will forgive her for failing to find him sooner." -- a comma somewhere would be nice. :)

There are a few others too that escape my mind at the moment.

As for format and style, there was one part towards the end, I don't know if you meant for it to be one paragraph or two separate paragraphs, but it kind of bothered me. It looked like this:

"It hurts something inside of Bellatrix. And she hates him for that.
More so on this night when he denies that the disfigured boy is the one whom her master seeks."

Overall and in general, other than characterization, this would've been perfect. It would be nice seeing you write more of Bella. She is one of my favourite characters. :D This has officially been added to my favourites, hah! xP It is the first oneshot I've read that I didn't seem to find any problems or be too troubled about the use of the present tenses. Usually, present tense fics tends to be a bit off and I get this nitpicky feeling about it. But this one, you get too engrossed in the story, you hardly notice. :P

Thank you for requesting, I truly did enjoy reading it. :D

See You 'round the Forums, neh?
~ Sevvy
*bows*

P.S. What does the word 'lofticries' mean? xP

Author's Response: Sevvy!! So sorry for my delay response on this absolutely AWESOME and STUPENDOUS and SPLENDIFOROUS review!

I was going for weird!! Who’d ever thought Bella/Lucius? Not me…until I wrote this! LOL. You are so cute (in an odd way) :P

Oh good on the transitions and pace. I thought it might have come off disjointed as the other times I’ve tried writing this way.

Yay on Bella’s characterization being okay-ish! I obviously needed some OOCness to get the story to work how I wanted to but overall, I tried to keep psycho-lady near and dear.

Yeah, Lucius wouldn’t have been so…manly I think.

Gah! I’ll fix the chapter title! Geez! It’s the first thing you see! And I’ll get the mouth thing too.

I happen to like long sentences :) but I can see what you mean. It took me forever to figure out how to say that line and by the time it was okay, I left it. But I do think I’ll tackle it again in an edit.

Thank you so much for this!!! ♥

(“Lofticries” is a song by Purity Ring. There’s this one line that kept getting stuck in my head - Lofticries with trembling thighs/ Weepy chests with weepy sighs / Weepy skin with trembling thighs—that made me think of the first scene and voila! a psycho dark story was born!)


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Review #19, by SeverusLovevolatile. : you and her and she and he.

2nd November 2011:
Why Hello There Ihzzy! (I like making nicknames so there. :P)

It's SeverusLove from the forums and I'm here for your review (FINALLY. -.-).

Well, I think your two lovely betas did a great job as I am currently having a hard time finding something to give critic on. I was too engrossed in the story, it was hard concentrating. Hold on while I reread it.

...

Done! Okay, first of all, I have gained this sort of fascination for the second voice just recently and thus, I am fascinated by your story. :) The second voice is the rarest and least used in the writing world and for good reasons too. One of them is that it is very hard to maintain.

Usually, it is paired off with the present tense and I assume you were going for that here. But there are times when you jump from present to future to past and it just sounds so all over the place. For example:

In this sentence, you go from present to future:

She's the one who spits out, "Potter" and you're still the one who'll reply, "Yes, Lily?"

-- you can rephrase that to: "She's the one who spits out, "Potter" and you're still the one who replies, "Yes, Lily?"

Now this may be not a very big problem when used once in a while, but when used too much, it gets really messy. Another example is this:

"She's the one who's so beautiful it hurts to look at her, but by the time you get up the strength, she's gone.

But she's also the one who'd never believe you if you told her how much you felt for her.

She'd never fall for it if you told her she was beautiful when she told new students where to go.

She wouldn't believe you if you told her how perfect her eyes looked in the sun, or how much it fascinated you to see her read because of how she bit her bottom lip.

Because she's Lily Evans and you're James Potter and in Lily Evans' world, nothing goes unplanned. There's not a slip of the tongue, not a whispered word or a ghost of a smile."

-- which can be rephrased to:

She's the one who's so beautiful it hurts to look at her, but by the time you get up the strength, she's gone.

But she's also the one who'd never believe you if you tell her how much you feel for her.

She'd never fall for it you tell her she is beautiful when she tells new students where to go.

She wouldn't believe you if you tell her how perfect her eyes look in the sun, or how much it fascinates you to see her read, because of how she bites her bottom lip.

Because she's Lily Evans and you're James Potter and in Lily Evans' world, nothing goes unplanned. There is not a slip of the tongue, not a whispered word, or a ghost of a smile.

-- it may flow better that way. This, however, is your choice and isn't that major of a problem so feel free to ignore this little nitpick. :)

As for the progression of plot and the flow, the transitions are hardly noticeable. But if you look closely and sometimes, the transitions go by so suddenly that for a while after, I get slightly confused. Like in the first part of the story, James was talking about how beautiful she is and how jealous of her girls are and then suddenly, James is talking about how she isn't the girl he remembers.

The last part confused me too when he dropped to the floor. I kept on thinking about how he would know what happens next when he's already dead, hahaha. Maybe he can still see after his death as some sort of ghost watching the scene or something. :P Same thing about the last thoughts of Lily. Unless James can read minds. xD

The tone and description was really good; the tone was consistent and the description was interesting.

For sentence structure and format and style, I find them perfect. I liked your choice of words. The comparisons and descriptions were simple and brief but strong and beautiful. The format was great, I love the way you divided it into short and sweet little sentences. It made it simple and easy to read and understand so kudos to that. :D

As for characterisation, they were just about perfect to me. I just find it odd during the last thoughts of Lily as I would've expected her to be more focused on Harry, but I guess that was necessary for the challenge huh?

Also, the phrase "She's the one who every guy secretly has a crush on and every girl is secretly jealous of." in the beginning makes her sound sort of Mary Sue-ish for me. But I guess that should be since I am seeing her through James' eyes after all, and James probably sees Lily as perfect. :P

But how could he be so sure? Maybe if you add 'probably' or 'should be' in there, like "She's the one who every guy (probably) secretly has a crush on and every girl (should be) jealous of." would be more in character. :D

For spelling and grammar, I did find one typo (I pride myself in being nitpicky spelling/grammarwise so it would be a shame if I didn't. :P). :D The typo word/phrase is inside the parentheses. :)

She's the one who zones out when she walks and concentrates so much at what (she) doing that she can't stop for anyone or anything -- I think you meant for that to be 'what she's doing'. :) Also, I've noticed that there are sometimes a few extra unnecessary commas. It is nothing big though, so you can just leave it like that. ^^

But overall and in general, it was a beautiful story. It was light and happy, but with deep meaning and a touch of angst. It was simple but strong and the short paragraphs made it very easy to read and understand. Thank you for requesting it, I truly did enjoy reading it. :)

Thanks!
~ Sevvy
*bows*

Author's Response: Aw, thank you soo much for taking time to write out this much!! You're a star < 3

I'll definitely take all of this in consideration as i edit it! :)


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Review #20, by SeverusLoveHearts and Arrows: Hearts and Arrows

1st November 2011:
Heya!

Cally recommended this to me and I am so glad I came to take a look. It is brilliant, although previous reviewers may have already said so. For one, you managed to make the bunch of cupids totally believable. The plot was great, we managed to watch them grow through the years along with a little behind the scenes work.

I didn't find anything wrong with spelling and grammar since I was too lost in the story to look for it. :P There are a few unnecessary gaps though or a space before the beginning of a paragraph, but that can happen a lot with some site bugs. :P

Your characterisation was mostly perfect and true to canon. I loved every bit of it. I especially like the scene with Luna, that was brilliant how she talked to Amatis. It was like I found out something new and was surprised at the behind the scenes work there.

I also liked the beginning part where they played rock-paper-scissors to see who does what, for a minute there I thought they were talking about something more serious. :D I joined this challenge a few days back and now I'm worried I may not be able to top it. :P

My only problem I guess would be I would've wanted to see more on how they tried to mend Lavender's poor broken heart, hahah. The way you explained how she fell for Ron was brilliant too, it's as though everything makes sense now. :D Also, I find it odd how Ametis talked to Luna about Ron and Hermione being in the Room of Requirement since if I'm not mistaken, they were there in the first place for the secret DADA classes and thus, Luna should've been with them.

Again, it was a good read and I really enjoyed. Not too short, not too long, just the exact good size. Great job!

Ta! *waves*
~ Sevvy

Author's Response: Hello! Thanks so much for reviewing Hearts and Arrows! I'm really proud of it, and it's so nice that it's getting some love:-)

I'm very fond of Amatis and Cariad, and I'm glad you liked them too. Who knows, perhaps they will pop up again some time!

I know what you mean about me leaving Lavender hanging. I did think about including it, but in the end I decided not to, because the my scene for the challenge was Ron and Hermione's kiss, so I felt like too much focus on Lavender would have pushed me too far away from that - I was already taking a quite a step away from the challenge subject by including so many other scenes:-)

Re: Ron and Hermione being in the Room while Luna isn't. Your correct that they are at a DADA meeting. I struggled with that myself for a while, but if you read that section again, you'll see that Luna says that she has 'just come from' the room. I was trying to suggest that the meeting is breaking up, Luna has already left, but Ron and Hermione are still there. Perhaps I need to labour that point a bit more, and I'll have a think about that for the next round of edits.

Anyway, once again, I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading!


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Review #21, by SeverusLoveNot for Always: Not for Always

29th October 2011:
Ooooh, I can guess who this is! Draco and Pansy...right? Who else has grey eyes? :P

I think the story was nice, and I bade thee good luck with the Unnamed Challenge. We're both entering it, so best of luck to both of us. :D I love combined challenges, it tests your creativity. x3

Your beta is good, I only managed to pluck out two typos :P :

"But it so tedious and time-consuming," he argued. -- I think you meant that as an "it's". ^^

Then, after taking one final look around the room-not just to make sure she hadn't forgot anything, (but also so she could mentally saying goodbye,) not only to the room they had shared, but to the life she had known-she slowly turned around to leave. -- the sentence withing the "()" is a bit odd. Maybe "could mentally say goodbye" or "could be mentally saying goodbye" would be a better choice of words? :D

Anyway, the characters were okay, and the flow was consistent. Overall, great job! :D

~ Sevvy

Author's Response: I don't want to give their identities away before WoodrowRynne has commented on it, but thanks so much for the review. My beta was very good, but alas we're both only human so thanks for pointing out the mistakes we missed, I'll fix those immediately. I'm glad you liked the story! And good luck to you as well in the challenge!

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Review #22, by SeverusLoveAzkaban: Your Glimmer.

24th October 2011:
Hey Again!!! :D :D :D

I'm back! x3 Anyway, back to the story. :P As always, the beginning and the end? The best parts. I love the visual in them. :D

The Characterisation is great, as usual, I find no problems with them at all! Gah, I'm beginning to really hate Jessica. I'm beginning to think she has someone else she loves. -.- I know, random thought. :P

The tone and description? I'm jealous of that, really. This is the exact kind of mood I want to do for my NaNo! (Which, I'm sure I already told you. -.-). I love the emotions you portray with your descriptions. It's so dark-ish and serious-ish. Which I love! :P Kinda sad though, for Jessica and Euan I mean...

The format and style is just fine, and I'm not going into details with the spelling and grammar anymore, I typed it all up and then it got all erased accidentally. Which was really frustrating for me and I really don't want to retype everything. T^T Sorry... Look on the bright side, it was probably just going to bore you anyway, and besides, once this is edited, I'm sure it will be fixed enough... :D One thing I remember off the top of my head though is that firewhiskey is usually spelled as one word. :)

One thing I noticed about your sentence structure though is that it's kind of odd. Not that I have any problems with the words you use (they're great. :P), but the way you phrase stuff sometimes, is confusing. I also noticed that there are some parts with misplaced punctuation marks and more frequently: missing commas. You should probably get those checked out so that it'd flow better and would be more coherent. :D

The flow and the progression of the plot is just fine, it's interesting yet dull, but that's what makes it realistic and unique. It flows at its own pace, and that's good enough. :D

Also, I liked how you added in that bit about the reminiscing of Hogwarts and Harry Potter. The image in my head was just so real, I wasn't really tying it much to the magical books and thinking of real prisons and real therapists instead. But the fact that you're using minor HP characters and mentioned HP reminded me of them and made it seem more canon. Nice job with that. :)

Overall or in General, I liked the story a lot, it was a good read. I wish I could write that mood in the same way you can. :P

I only promised I'd review the first 3 chapters; if I had more time, I'd read and review more, but my queue is kinda piling up right now. If you still want me or need me though, you'd be more than welcome to re-request.

And sorry if I was a bit too...okay, fine, if I was really too nitpicky with the grammar and stuff. Those things always get way out of hand with me and reviewing, I'm way too critical for my own good even if my stories ain't as good at all. I must've bored you. :O

But anyways, thank you for the good read. I'll see you around the forums, good luck for NaNo! :D

Ta!
Sevvy
*bows*

Author's Response: I can't think you enough for these wonderful in depths reviews and how truly helpful they were in terms of editing and reviewing so thank you so much for being so honest and lengthy with your comments! Its taken me a hideous amount of time to respond to this just because there were a lot of things I wanted to say, but I guess now - with this story all finished - all I really want to say is thank you for putting so much time and effort into these review! I really really appreciate it (and sorry for being crap)

-AC


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Review #23, by SeverusLoveAzkaban: My Beacon.

24th October 2011:
Helen,

It's me again. :D Again my review 'exceeds the maximum length of 6000 characters'. -.- So I'mma just PM you the Spelling and Grammar part of the review over at the forums, 'kay? :D

When I first read this, the first and last paragraph blew me away again. You have a way with words I'm jealous of. :P

I think you do very well with Characterisation. I love how you describe them and their emotions. Your Descriptions and Sentence Structure is beautiful. :) I'm interested to see where you'll go with Cattermole and the other prisoners you mentioned too. x3

As for Jessica, that narration of before Euan entered Azkaban makes me know what made Jessica crack from the strong girl who loved him, to the tired wife who could barely stand him. But I guess that's all merely Azkaban. You made a clear point of how there's always a limit to things and everything changes. I love the realistic sense to it. X3

For Tone and Progression of Plot, I think it died down from the suspenseful drama of the first chapter, to a much more realistic and calmer 2nd chapter. A lot of questions were answered, but a lot more were raised and I'm excited to find out more. In short, it's going well. :)

For Flow and Format and Style though, two things were bothering me throughout the story. The first is the inconsistency of the descriptions of Azkaban. If I understand correctly, the first and last parts of the first chapter, were describing a tomb, a grave, a coffin. The first and last parts of the second chapter seemed to be about the same thing - a continuation maybe - but imply that it was in Azkaban. I'm sort of confused on this one. Is this about his casket inside Azkaban? Or is it describing his cell as his grave where he is living - but dead (you did write 'My Spider spins webs up near the ceiling - beyond my reach' which means it might be his cell)? If you were talking about the cell being the tomb in a figure of speech kind of way, then that would be contradictory, as you clearly stated in both chapters that the cell - although it had no windows - had bars. So the part about the gap in the hole and how he blocked it with bread would be pointless since the spider could pass through the bars. Or were you meaning to say he was in a casket inside Azkaban or something? But then where'd he get the bread? I'm sorry, this may just be a big misunderstanding but I was just sort of confused... -.-" Sorry...

The second thing bothering me is that big gap between when Cattermole asked about why he attacked the ministry official and when he said he overestimated Euan. It's sort of distracting; maybe you could put a line there instead? Also, I was confused about the transition as to if that 'I underestimated you' part happened the next day/session or just minutes after the 'why did you attack the ministry official part'? It would be weird if it happened the next day since I would've thought that Alfred would have him narrate his story during the first day. But then again, it was implied that it happened the next day since you really didn't show us when they agreed what a 'slip' is and what 'swamped' meant. Also, how would Alfred know that 'That is an improvement' unless it's been a few days since their last meeting? Euan did only talk about the last few days once when Alfred asked and before he narrated his Azkaban experience...again, this may just be another big misunderstanding and I apologize in advance. It would be nice if you could add a few sentences to explain this to prevent confusion. :)

For the Spelling and Grammar part, I've PMed it to you in the forums. :)

Overall and in General, I think it's unique, beautiful, and interesting enough to keep me reading. Thank you for requesting it! I'm sure that minor common mistakes aside, you are a great author, you have a good way with words. :) I hope I'm not boring you with my extra long reviews yet. -.-

See You Next Chapter!
Sevvy
*bows*

P.S. I also find it weird that you described the spider with fingertips at the starting paragraph. Not a big issue to me, but just weird. :P :D

Author's Response: Hey there Sevvy (accidentally typed that out as sexxy and had to backtrack, oh dear AC) thanks for this and for PMing me the rest of the review over on the archives! I don't think you could possible understand how much I appreciate this review and how much it helped me when I got to this big massive edit that I did awhile back. Thank you so much! Sorry for not addressing each point on this review individually, its just cause I implemented all these changes over time and such.

Eternally in your debt! Thank you very much :)


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Review #24, by SeverusLoveAzkaban: My Darkness.

23rd October 2011:
Why Hello There Helen!

Apparently, I typed everything up and then it 'exceeds the maximum length of 6000 characters' so I'll just PM you my review over at the forums, okay? :D

I'm gonna post the typos part of my review here though. :)

For spelling and grammar, here are some typos I picked up along the way (I may have missed some, but oh well.):

a couple of appointment, -- as you said 'couple' I think you meant 'appointments' as a plural. :)

Slipping in out of conscious means -- you forgot to put 'and' between 'in' and 'out'. I also think 'consciousness' rather than 'conscious' would be simpler and more understandable. :)

I did shameful shameful things with the dank sea salt filling my nostrils. -- uhm, if you meant to double word that, then I suggest putting a comma between both 'shameful's. :)

A beach scene, maybe, the public toilets which reeked and caused the masses to wrinkle nostrils' and cringe their way across the titled floor. -- I don't think the apostrophe after the 'nostrils' is necessary. :)

Crushing weighty pain and and, being a failure, and being a mess, and being mad. Being terrified of going mad. -- either you double-typed the 'and' or misplaced the comma one word after. :P :)

until you just rot away into nothing and and you are nothing. -- the 'and' was mentioned twice here too without anything between them. :)

Doesn't anyone care? You're dying in here? Of thirst and hunger and isolation. You're dying and you're mad and you're desperate. -- I think it would flow better if you used either the 'Doesn't anyone care you're dying in here?' as one sentence, 'Doesn't anyone care? That you're dying in here?' as two questions, or 'Doesn't anyone care? You're dying in here.' as a question and a statement. :)

The third time I had gone hungry I had given up counting, given up with the vague hope that I could survive this - my sentence and had seized my counting. -- either just use 'this' and omit the '- my sentence' or just use 'my sentence' and omit the 'this -' since it's kinda confusing to use both before the 'and had seized my counting' part. :)

"Could thinks be like this forever, Daddy?" -- I don't know if you spelled 'things' like that purposely... :)

God does not care.

I did not expect him too. -- Maybe you meant 'to' instead of 'too?' :D

"Give him too me, give him, he's mine -- I think you meant 'to' instead of 'too' here too. :P :)

"My son," sobbing. Scratching my skin with my bitten fingernails and staring up the familiar ceiling of my cell. -- I was confused on who was sobbing and scratching at this part. :)

chest... the guards they'd... slipped away... -- either put a comment between 'guards' and 'they'd' or rephrase it like this: 'the guards... they'd slipped away...'. :)

All the inhabitants of my corridor were suddenly silent: we all pressed forwards towards our bars -- I think a semicolon would work better instead of a colon here. :)

The guards had moved away completely leaving nothing but the clarity of our real thoughts, -- a comma after 'completely' would be nice. :)

depression -but a wave of something -- with the style you've been going on so far and how there's always a space between the dash and the words, I think you should do the same here too. :)

He reminded me of the bricks; solid, impassive and uncaring. -- a colon rather than the semicolon here would fit better. :)

I thought... whoever this mysterious strange is who's paying for it... -- I think you meant 'stranger' here. :)

"Oh, hon." Natasha said. -- Just a personal opinion, but 'hun' might sound better since they are British. Like they use 'mum' instead of 'mom'? :)

Or maybe that was just the twisted way my thoughts had begun to processes things. -- since you were using past tense in this sentence, 'processed' rather than 'processes would be good. :)

I have no sword, no arrows no wand. -- a comma after 'arrows' would be nice. :)

to remind myself that my coffin is still not completed. -- Just a personal opinion but since you used 'still not' which isn't past tense, 'complete' might sound better than 'completed'. Or you can change it to 'has not been completed' instead. :)

My heart still beats ice around my corpse. -- I didn't quite get what you were trying to say here... His heart beats ice...? -.-"

would not leave me alone untill I'd written it. -- I don't know if I'm supposed to correct this since it isn't part of the story, but 'until' is spelled with only one 'l'. :P

See Ya 'Round the Forums, neh?
Sevvy
*bows*

Author's Response: SEVVVYYY!!


Thank you so much for this lovely and beauitfully detailed review. Honestly, this plus all the stuff you said over on the forums is completely. well, it was so helpful! I'm now finally getting round to a full and detailed edit and it was so usefull to have pretty much everything that needed to be done written and waiting for me on this review. Ah! I apprecaite it so much and thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou.

And sorry for taking such a long time to reply. What can I say? I'm a rubbish person.

(and I love the fact that you corrected my authors note. AHA. Wonderful. WONDERFUL I SAY).

-AC


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Review #25, by SeverusLoveThe Con: Chapter One

21st October 2011:
I saw this in the Betas Wanted section and I thought I was gonna come take a look. I like the story! I can't wait to see what goes next. :P You did a really good job. :)

~ Sevvy

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm glad you did decide to take a look. I hope you like what I write next!

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