Usually, I tend to stay away from Ron/Hermione interactions because so few can get the characterization right, winding up overplaying the tendencies of either one. And so often that "magical broom ride" idea is overdone and...yech.
But you've managed, quite skillfully, to avoid that. I really loved the interactions--perfectly awkward, but with the familiarity of two people who have been friends for going on seven years. The tone was neither brusque nor overly-ornate, but the happy medium in between that I like to call "matter of fact". It's got both, in the proper amounts.
When I read a good story--book, fanfic, magazine article, poem, whatever--I always feel like I could just sink into it, and kudos to you, I sank right in. It felt perfectly naturally to be reading it and the story itself felt natural. In retrospect, it actually reminded me of Aladdin (I've been on a Disney movie binge lately, so that thing kind of jumps out at me).
I did wonder why Hermione didn't go to her parents house at all, and what on Earth prompted Ron's "let's take a walk", but you made me ignore those things. Usually they would just bug me the whole way through.
Excellent, excellent job. Thank you.Author's Response: Oh wow!
I'm so glad you enjoyed this so much...it makes me really happy.
I feel like with my stories, I do use certain cliches...but I don't use them in that generic way. I'm happy that you thought that this was a unique way of expressing the 'broomstick ride to the stars' idea!
Ohh I totally see what you mean about Aladdin! 'A Whole New World?' =]
It didn't say that Hermione went to her parents? *worried look* Uh-oh. That would bug me too! I'll go edit that right now.
Well, Ron wanted to talk to her about their whole relationship...just like Hermione wanted to, but was too afraid to say anything. Him asking to go for a walk was setting up the whole evening he had planned.
Does that make a little more sense?
Thank you for all the compliments!
I'm so, so glad you liked it so much.
Thanks for the review =]
xxx Report Review
Congratulations! You’ve just won the “I’m bored and feel like leaving a detailed review let’s click on the random story button” contest!
Begins very poetically, as you said in the summary. I like the juxtaposition of “You’ve always been…have you always been…?” I’m not sure if I like the “footfalls in the darkness” image. It’s a bit overdone for my tastes. I feel I’ve heard it somewhere before, and it’s verging on melodramatic, which does fit perfectly with the sobbing into a pillow which follows. I don’t particularly like that either, to be honest. Ditto for “pieces of me” (or pieces of my life…right now you’ve got “pieces of my” and I’m not sure which you mean). The first bit of quoted lyrics don’t seem to really fit. It doesn’t do much for me. But then, I’ve never been one for song-fics, and here I am anyways. : )
I liked the second vignette. I’m sure a similar scene has been done before, but you’ve managed to make it…different. It has what I can only imagine to be a bit of you in it (not you as the character, just your writing style). Not that the first one didn’t but…yes this one’s better. I still don’t like the “footfalls” and “pieces” phrase, but it was interesting tying in the “intact” with “pieces”. The repetition between the two--gah I can’t find a better word than vignettes at the moment—vignettes is certainly a plus. If you ignored the meaning of the words (and this is a game I like to play with music) it could almost be a children’s book in that sense. In a good way, of course. It adds a bit of depth, this contrast between soothing and bitter discontent. I liked that phrases and a certain amount of rhythm remained similar, but not necessarily identical. Maybe a few more tweaks on repeated phrases, though? This second set of lyrics is better.
Definitely saved the best for last, here. My favorite (yes, here it is again) vignette. My only objections in phrasing would be, one more time, “footfalls” and “I hug myself…screaming”. Instant and uncompromising distaste for that last one, in truth.
The ending lines are beautiful and poignant. The lyrics are just eh. I think they’re not terribly out of place, but I think the ending would be better with just the last lines.
Overall: I think a bit melodramatic, to be frank. However, it’s not way over-the-top or on my “what was I thinking when I read this???” list. I love the poetic phrasing. Loove it. In general, it was very nice. I feel like there’s something missing, though, and I have no idea what. Just a bit of a spark…and I’m sure you hate me for that: “Something’s wrong but I don’t know what it is so there.” Pretty awesome on the grammar/spelling/usage/mechanics side of things, so kudos for you.
I think you’ve just received my longest review ever. Hopefully I’ll keep it up. : )
Ah, and I know this is full of (constructive!!! Report Review
I really like the premise of the story, it seems realistic (hurrah) and I love that you drew/will be drawing from your own experiences as that tends to make things more detailed and generally wonderful. It should be very interesting to see where this goes. I'm a bit miffed, though--I just ate and now you've made me hungry again. : ) I might have to go grab some more dhal and rice. To be completely honest, all the spacing between paragraphs bothered me a bit but it certainly didn't ruin anything--I'm just being picky. I also think there's something, just overall, that's almost...unrefined? unfinished? I'm not sure exactly what word I'm looking for here. That's really my only complaint, though. Anyway, I enjoyed reading this, and I look forward to hearing creative ideas on the Indian magical community. Author's Response: Thanks so much for the great review! About the spacing thing, this is actually the first story I've posted since they made this "simple editor/advanced editor" thing... I'm still trying to figure out how to get it back to normal. It's the first thing I've written since September actually, which might explain why you found it unrefined... hopefully it'll get better as the story progresses. =) Report Review
Overall, I really enjoyed this piece... I'm at a bit of a loss for words so I'll just sort of go through it.
I really like the opening line, by itself. It sets up the whole scene, and the later contrast wonderfully. The opening vignette was lovely, I liked the use of "bride", "groom" and "best man" that started off. It was still obvious who they were, but it gave the image a bit of a disconnected feel that fits with the ending. I wish that had been continued more strongly throughout, though I suppose that would get pretty redundant.
I think you've portrayed the connection nicely between Sirius and James: it fits them, it makes sense. I love their interaction, it's very comfortable and at ease, almost adult but still childish which fits perfectly. I do have to say I cringed when Sirius called James "lad"...that seemed out of place, out of character, out of style...but otherwise that whole thing was amazing.
My favorite lines were from to"...as they used to do as children..." to "‘Those days’ have become sacrosanct." (I thought it might be too much to put the whole thing here). They're very...World War I, for lack of a better term.
The transitions at the end are well done, they just seem to melt together nicely.
Overall I liked the style of the piece, the idea behind it, the language...everything. It was just very well done.
Author's Response: Thank you very much! I had hoped to keep it all in those semi-detached descriptions, but when I tried it, I found it repetitive and confusing, so I just switched back to using their names. I explain it away as having Sirius actually become more involved in the memory as it continues, one last touch of his former joy before it's snatched away. But Sirius never associates himself with the memory, he doesn't recognise himself as the best man, but he remembers James and Lily until the end.
In all of my writing, it's pretty apparent that I adore the friendship between James and Sirius, I think it's the most important one in the book. They're such old friends who have really moulded each other's personalities, they knew each other when they were kids and I think that stayed with them until they each died.
The lad was supposed to be ironic, Sirius' little joke when they were talking about how he was an adult now. I suppose I;m a bit obsessed with that idea too -f such young people taking up a cause and enetring into such incredibly grown up situations like war and marriage.
And I understand exactly what you mean, I think I may have written this when we were doing Siegfriend Sassoon and Wilfred Owen in history class as World I poets, there must have been something about their longing for the innocence and peace of La Belle Epoque.
Thank you for reading and leaving such a wonderful review. I'm glad that you enjoyed it. Report Review
Aww! Sorry, couldn't help myself. Anyways, I love the characterization. The innocence, the inquisitiveness, the incomprehension...anyways, yeah. I wish there was a bit more depth as Neville tries to understand what happened. I really liked the closing lines (from "Throw that away, Neville..."). A nice piece. Thanks for bringing it to my attention!Author's Response: I aww at lots of stuff. I sometimes feel it's nessacary. Report Review
Hello once again! I liked this chapter, the information keeps coming! I can't wait to find out what happened to Ginny. Two minor things, first:
"with a whispered Levitatum she used magic" the "Levitatum" should probably be in quotes.
"her won covers" I think you meant "worn". : )
I like Seaton's idea of the ability to really use ancient magic being genetic. Harry probably got it from Lily...she did use it to save his life. I still love the way this story's progressing, keep up the good work!Author's Response: oops, thanks for the fixes. I appreciate your reviews. They are really helping me, and causing me to think about my characters. Report Review
I really liked this!
I loved the way you sort of incorporated Harry's name into this, but not in a way where they're sitting and discussing what they want to name their future children. A little awkward when it's done like that. I also loved how you intersperced James' thoughts and initial nervousness...very well done there. And I know we can't quote Sirius, but that was a hilarious line. Really, a duck?
Anyways, excellent job!Author's Response: Hehe, thanks! I'm really glad you liked this one, as anyone with your penname obviously has good taste. I agree about the naming the children thing- that can get awkward! I tried to make it a little fun and in passing, something they might think back to later. Thanks for the review! Report Review
As I sat here shoving jellybeans into my mouth faster than I can chew them, I discovered the perfect bit of romantic fluff to satisfy some other craving in me I couldn't identify. So thank you, first of all, for some peace of mind.
Secondly, I will say I don't like Harry/Hermione. Usually. But in this case I couldn't help it. It was so well written and everything just seemed to fit and make sense. I can't argue against that. : )
I love the nice little details you've included...the wet feet, the little boy with the mistletoe, the last year's sweater, the "needing a drink"...it all just combines to create a very real, alive, vibrant picture.
The only thing I didn't like was Hermione's giggling. It doesn't seem like her, though I can't seem to think of any reason why not at the moment. It's not like you said Snape was prancing in a sunlit field hugging a teddy bear, it just doesn't seem to fit.
All in all, though, masterfully done. Thank you for writing this.Author's Response: Thank you so much. I take a little pride in the every person that tells me that I make Harry/Hermione a little more bearable for them. It's part of my mission to convert all to Harmony :)
As for the giggling... what can I say? Sometimes girls giggle :) Thank you so much for a brilliant review :) Report Review
I love it!
Humor: neither obnoxious nor completely absent, but falling pleasantly in the middle
Perfectionist or good judgement?: Perfectionist (finally, a kindred spirit! ; ))
-Sirius not being an overly disgusting ladies' man
-Nice bits of humour (love the goats, it seems to fit them quite well)
-Peter is actually considered a friend (hello, he wasn't there only to be pitied, or else his betrayal wouldn't have been so biting)
-Not an immensely dramatic turning point for Lily and James' relationship
-The James/Rosmerta bit
-“What”— should be "What-" instead (it's towards the end)
-I wish you could like it as much as I do
Author's Response: aw thank you! it's funny that you mention sirius...when I first started writing, I made him a bit disgusting..OH, and I made peter virtually nonexistant...but eventually (and fortunately) with lots of writing and reading, I got over that little hurdle. :P + thanks for pointing out the "what" part...I'll go look for it to see what you mean...and the story has grown on me a bit since I posted it. ;) thanks for your review! Report Review
First off, I'd like to commend you on a job well done! I love the idea you had for Sirius' deepest desire, and especially how it developed and changed on the outside and in the details, but that it was still the same throughout his life.
Now, this part will be nit-picky. You have been warned. : )
Overall, I feel that the tone of the story could be a little more developed. While it's very well-written, there's just a certain spark lacking in some of the wording. First memory: I like the idea of a room full of mirrors. It sounds like the random (but with a purpose) type of room that could be found at Hogwarts. Second memory: Technically, the inscription at the top is "Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi" (PS12; see I told you this would be nit-picky). Third memory: "his stubbornness to ask sooner. " While I understand what you're saying, the use of stubbornness isn't quite right. Also, I'm not so sure about calling Grimmauld Place "Black Manor". Not because it can't be, but simply because it's not really much of a manor house, is it? It also seems a bit odd for Sirius to describe Death Eaters as "dreadful", a little too demure for his character. And describing the junk in the attic-the "some big some small" sentence, with a few more words sort of saying what was big and small (well, it's obviously the junk but more specifically), would add some awesome description. Also in the attic, why wouldn't Sirius have his wand? And (now I'm almost finished being picky) there were a few simple grammar things I noticed in this memory.
1. "company of his memories rather than the people" doesn't need the "the" before "people"
2. "his only family were his friends" the "were" should be a "was" because family is singular
And just after that memory (the closing part of Sirius' thoughts)
1. "remembered about the one thing I used to crave for" doesn't need an about
2."My family were my friends" the "were" should again be a "was"
Whew. Nit picky central. Honestly, this was excellent. I'm not saying all that up there because it was awful or anything, it's just my personality. I really enjoyed the insights you offered, especially about his deepest desire (as I've said before). And while death is usually viewed as a tragic event, you've managed to gracefully make Sirius' death be seen in a more positive light. People tend to focus on it affect on Harry, rather than the fact that it could possibly make Sirius happier.
Again, well done!Author's Response: Thank you! Lol, I asked for it, didn't I? Yes, I wanted to add the inscription but could not remember and did not check, so I did not want to mess it up. It will be added! :)
Stubornness... you know, while I was writing it so many words raced in my mind and I could only approve of this one, though it really sounds out of place... And I agree about the manor part.
Lol, 'dreadful'? It's just my fave words. I guess I got it from another character and gave it to Sirius :P It makes sense that he won't use it. It will be changed! :) It's like you're reading my mind. That's what I meant when I said it was awful, there are just many little things that can be improved and the one-shot is like 3000 words!
I just could not think of other than 'some little some small', lol. But I WILL try. And I do know that detailed description is always better to use. Hm, wasn't his wand broken in two when he was imprisoned? I'll have to ask someone?
Thanks for your nit-pickiness! It's helpful!!! :) And I also do that, like a story and leave too much CC. :P And somehow I thought it was angst!!! :blink: Anyway, thank you! Report Review
First of all, I have to say that I loved the idea of this: someone crazy enough to write such a...friendly (I'm not sure if that's quite the word I'm looking for) letter to Voldemort. And it's very interesting that the "Head of the Behavioral Psychology Team" might be in need of some analysis himself if he's writing a letter to Voldemort suggesting he change his ways.
There was something else I wanted to say, but now I've forgotten. I was hoping to save the best for last but then I went off and got myself distracted...if I remember I'll add another review.
The overall, sort of bouncy tone of the letter presents a nice contrast to what you're excepting Voldemort's reaction to be. The simple absurdity of this man's (and his team's) idea is incredible.Author's Response: Wow, thanks for the long review, Flamingo! I do love Herman; he's such a small character, yet in many ways, he's my favourite character I've ever made. He is a complete nutcase, though; and I agree he needs some analysis himself!
Thank you again for a lovely review! It was of course an absurd idea, yet it seemed to work out ok. I'm really
pleased you enjoyed it! ~Cathryn Report Review
A creative idea! Very creative! I just wish there were more answers as to what happened to Nathaniel. Good job.Author's Response: I do plan to write about it in the Black Chronicles series I'm writing but I haven't gone that far yet :) Report Review
A beautifully painted portrait of Lockhart. It just seems to give him some much-needed depth. Well written, well done! Report Review
I like it! It's an interesting take on Salazar Slytherin-everyone just assumes he was evil and prejudiced. I like the idea that he actually had a very valid reason for his decision, and a noble one at that. Well written, too. Well done.Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed my take on Sal and that you thought his reason valid and even noble. :-) I had a difficult time finally getting the nerve to post this, I was worried about getting reamed by staunch Slytherin supporters. Anyhow, I really appreciate you taking the time to read this and let me know what you think. This was a beautiful review. Thank you so much! Report Review
Wow. Very touching, and just as well written. I especially like the comparison to tomato plants at the end. Only one (minor) thing: "not caring that her face was taunt and aged"- it should be taut, not taunt. That's all.
I really, really did enjoyt this. Congratulations on a job well done.Author's Response: Thank you, thank you, thank you! I never noticed that. I'm going to go change it right now. Thanks for the review and for helping me with my story! Report Review
Oookay then. Still some of those comma issues. And Kate...I don't know she's not anywhere in the books and this sort of distorts the third book. Perhaps it should be under AU? I don't know. Interesting concept, though. Slighlty random, but interesting. Report Review
Oh no! The poor thing! I hope it turns out all right. Nice building of intensity. One thing: (this time it really is one) there should be a comma here: '"Don't be stupid--->,<---" she said to herself" Report Review
A little short, but looks interesting. Just one thing, though. There should be commas after all the speaking. ("I like cats," Jane confessed). Also, when people are talking, they mostly seem to "say" and "reply", a couple synonyms would be good. Okay so that was two things... Report Review
I like it! It's a creative idea, and I've never read anything like it. It's well written, and I especially like his indignation at the end. The only problem I see is "taking special care to avoid being hit the books that were toppling off the desks." There should be a "by" right between "being hit" and "the books". Oh never mind, I see it's already been adressed below. Excellent job, nice description! Report Review
Very well done! All the other fics of this type I've seen center around baby Harry and the Marauders, so congratulations on a more original idea! Very amusing, it kept me giggling. A few things, though. When Harry is getting Sirius's breakfast ready, it should be "an incantation", not "a cantation". Also, I personally found that there seemed to be a lot of emphasis on Harry doing magic, which is perfectly fine, that one just comes down to a preference. Once again, good job!Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review. I am glad you liked it, I'll be sure to fix that problem with "cantation" I wan't too sure about it in the first place. I can't take credit for the idea it was an answer to a callege wich was to tell a story of Harry left alone with the baby. Report Review
Pretty good so far! I noticed a few little typos here and there, but nothing too big/major/scary. The double contraction made me twitch a bit though. . .it makes more sense to me spoken than written. Otherwise, good job so far, I can't wait to see what's next. Report Review
Hooooooly crap! You're amazing. Really and truly, this is better than some of the published work I've read. Your "voice" is so unique and distinctive! I feel like I could never stop reading. This story will never cease to intrigue me. I am in love! Author's Response: Thanks I_Shant_EatFlamingoTongues! lol Thats a crazy penname! I like it! I'm glad the writing style is interesting though! lol I tend to write the chapters for this in a bit of a hurry at times, haven't really edited them either, so to hear that even the random stuff I throw on here is decent makes my day! Thank you so much for the feedback! Report Review
Awesome! Report Review
Now this is hilarious! Author's Response: Your name is hilarious! Thanks for reviewing!!! Report Review
Oooh! Interesting! Good luck with it and um...yeah. Sorry I'm not the best with words sometimes. Yeah. Author's Response: Hello, *shakes hand* I'm kinda new to here, so really I'm just lookin' around to bring my fanfiction to new sites, and meet some people! Anyway, thanks for reading and reviewing, I really appreciate review-ers/s Report Review
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