Reading Reviews From Member: timeturner
  
493 Reviews Found

Review #1, by timeturnerBrink: Six

20th October 2009:
I really don't know where to begin. This was, by far, the best chapter of this entire fic so far. You've perfectly pegged Sirius here. From his challenging words to Lily, to his indignation with Lupin's insinuation, to his anger at being told to find her. The cliffy is a fabulous one, letting the words not only sink in for Sirius but the reader as well. You even manage to get his emotional switch in there where he goes from anger at the idea of rushing off to save her to the moment when he thinks she really IS in danger...from anger to immediate worry. Fantastically done. This is what I've been waiting for from you. *hugs*

Author's Response: Sometimes I think you believe in me even more than my mother does. This should concern one of us - i'm not sure who :)

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Review #2, by timeturnerBrink: Five

20th October 2009:
I hate it when you knock yourself. Annoys the crude out of me. You seem to be getting a stronger grasp on Sirius and that shines in this chapter. He moves with purpose and you show his inner emotions with more clarity than you have in previous chapters. AND his thoughts didn't revolve completely around Lily which was nice. It's nice to see him thinking of other things, bigger things. The back and forth between the boys was done fabulousy - I especially liked the line about not up to killing his brother. Lightly written, it still managed to give away their willingness to stand beside him no matter what his decision was. I don't like Dumbledore so Sirius' little tirade about him made me smile as did the glib "you're grouchy" line. Once again, nicely done.

Author's Response: Oh timeturner, where would I be without your never-ending support? Oh, right -“ still trying to finish CHRONICLES!!! I'm going to sum up the responses to three reviews here on this one because otherwise people will start thinking I have a crush on you, but trust that I am quite firmly aware of the fact that you've made me a better writer in a lot of ways. Internet, if you don't have a timeturner, you should go out and get one right away -“ cuz she's kinda awesome :P

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Review #3, by timeturner Contrition: Contrition

19th October 2009:
Lovely descriptions at the start. You paint a rather grim picture just with the landscaping and that's quite a talent. You've given Snape some strong emotions here and managed to balance them well without making it melodramatic. Even though angry, I like that you make Lily give him one more chance...she attempts to get him on her side even at the end and that's very true to her character. I adore how he blamed James equally for her death. That's a nice touch that I haven't seen done with finesse in fanfic before so kudos to you for that. Nice story, a must for any Snape fan.

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review, timeturner. I'm glad you think it wasn't melodramatic, because personally I did think it was a tad bit sentimental. Then again, I'm so utterly unemotional that I have a hard time writing emotions and such.

It did seem obvious to me that he'd blame James for her death. I mean, he decidedly hates James, but for James to bequeath the animosity to Harry, and moreover for Snape to be so unrelenting in his hatred, I felt the loathing should be a bit more deep-seated.

Thanks very much for reviewing.


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Review #4, by timeturnerI'll Run Away With You: I'll Run Away With You

15th October 2009:
*hugs* You already know I love this piece but you deserve a review nonetheless. I adore everything about the story, from Lily's conflicting emotions when James appears in the pub to her willingness to just up and run away from everything with Sirius. You've done a fabulous job at painting a picture of a woman caught between two loves and made it amazingly realistic by focusing on her internal struggles. It's surprising that its only a one shot because you do manage to convey so much in such a brief span of writing. Wonderful, job!!!

Author's Response: I'm so happy you like it! It means a lot to me, especially coming from you, whose own Sirius/Lily stories I love so much! And the story would probably not even be up for weeks or months from now if I hadn't started talking about it with you and you hadn't helped me get over the block I had with it. Well I don't know what else to say except that this review is one of those that can be classified in "reviews that made your day". :) It makes me smile. *huggles*

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Review #5, by timeturnerBehind Stained Glass Eyes: She's So Lovely

8th October 2009:
First, let me say that unlike your other reviewers, I'm a staunch Sirius/Lily shipper so that's going to color my review quite a bit.

To begin, your descriptions at the beginning are well done. You set the tone and atmosphere well here, even though I found Sirius' internal thoughts a bit distracting. They seemed to have no reference, no relation to the things you were having us as readers observe in the room. For example, the line I wish she would hurry up and get here is put there with no reference for us readers him looking at a clock, for example, or maybe noticing the difference in the color of the sky through the windows or even if he had watch a clear sky turn cloudy as the storm rolled in. We just have nothing to determine how long he's been waiting which leaves us guessing as to if he is just merely being impatient or if he has been, instead, waiting for her to appear for hours. The stained glass idea is a sound one but you seem to focus on that with such regularity in the piece that it begins to lose its effect. Perhaps deleting some of the references would help to enforce your idea more readily, placing the concept in the readers mind but allowing them to draw their own images rather than forcing them upon the reader.

I do have quite a bit of trouble with your portrayal of Sirius here. He seems out of character but, more importantly, the characterization you do have here is inconsistent. His internal thoughts bounce around , his body movements and dialogue not matching and flowing with the scene. I think, perhaps, you were attempting to show his indecision but instead it appeared more confusing as reader. His characterization, the waffling, indecision, is hard for a reader to relate to because it doesn't mix with the Sirius you portray at the beginning who is in a hurry to get things done. That you have him attempted to be true to James is a nice touch, however, and one a lot of people fail to put in their stories so I commend you for that.

I did enjoy the characterization of Lily. You have written her as many fanfic authors do innocent but yet with enough fire to match up against Sirius. I love the line about him being afraid he had broken her, that was true to both his worries as well as her characterization. The end of this was much, much stronger than the beginning as if you were finally hitting your stride with the story just about the time you drew it to a close. That makes me a bit sad because I feel we as readers probably missed out on the best of your writing abilities since you closed out the story.

As I said in my message to you, I was super leery of posting this review. I understand this was your first fanfic and my devotion to Sirius plays a part in my constructive criticism. I do think this story holds promise and helps introduce people to your writing style and characterizations. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to review it.

Author's Response: Hello timeturner!

You are so very perceptive, and that alone makes me want to crawl under a table. I guess it's because you're /timeturner/ - I would have never imagined that you would take the time to read this. Okay, now that I'm past that...

The descriptions good? Bah, I wish I thought that. With Sirius's thoughts, I wanted to express his distress and as this was the very first thing that I had EVER written, I was a bit dim as to what I should have done. I understand completely where you're coming from on that one, for sure. As to the stained glass business, gosh, that makes me cringe. Honestly, I know this story needs a serious revamping. I need to completely rip this apart and rewrite it. Nonetheless, thank you for pointing those particular things out :]]

Sirius is terribly done in this story, and I'm glad you had the gall to point that out. I pride myself on my great characterizations and this was...awful. I love Sirius/Lily, despite this story, but due to the challenge, I had to split them up. Perhaps that messed with my characterization, I don't know.

I didn't know how to characterize Lily, so thank you for that! I always hit my stride and then end the story - it's a disease, I swear.

You've no need to thank me, I should thank you! So...thank you! Really, you've made me very happy with this review. I've been debating for ages whether or not to rewrite this and you've helped me make up my mind. I know that I've grown immensely as a writer, so perhaps my improvement will help this one-shot. Thank you so much for the review - I know it was painful for you to read!

:]]


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Review #6, by timeturnerAll Inclusive: All Inclusive

8th October 2009:
This was an extremely creative piece of fiction. I have to admit, the characterizations seem completely off from canon neither of the characters being what we expect them to be. But, I rather like it when authors take characters and make them their own. You will probably take some heat from readers for the straying you've done but I think the creative approach to changing the characters the way you want them to be worked well. The story itself is one that lends itself to a novella length and I think it would showcase your writing more (and the characters you've created) much more clearly than this one shot.

Here, you are forced to move so quickly because of the one shot (as opposed to a longer piece) that I think we are missing out on viewing the best of your writing. That's no fault of your own, of course, I just think a longer piece that develops these characters even more deeply would help provide readers a better change to explore you as a writer and perhaps give them insight into the characters you created.

I do say you created because, really, even though these are canon characters they read much more like original characters since they are so different than what we know. Again, that's not a bad thing in my book and I enjoyed the plot and scenes you created for them.

Author's Response: wow. Just wow :D .

I think that Padma, even though she is a canon character, gives the writers a lot of space to experiment because we don't really get to know her. So I just behaved with her like with an OC. And Ron...well, yes, he's not how people would imagine him, he's not even what I imagine him to be because, honestly, I can't picture him with anyone other than Hermione :D so this was a real challenge and to make him actually fit with Padma...a hard thing to do.

I agree that this has potential to be longer, the characters have their reasons, have their stories, to be the way they are and in this one-shot I didn't have room to explain that. Currently, I have a lot of plot bunnies and very little time to write anything but I might expand this to be a short story, or a novella.

Thanks for the wonderful review, I'm glad that you weren't put off by the characters and their behaviour :) .

~ Kristina


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Review #7, by timeturnerAshes: Ashes

8th October 2009:
Cute little one shot. Luna is a difficult character for most authors to sink their teeth in to but you've done a good job here. Following a dream and talking to a bird is something Luna would definetly do! I liked Prof. M's portrayal as well, you kept her right with canon being a bit motherly and a bit grousy as well. Well done!

Author's Response: Wow! A review from timeturner. I'd forgotten that I'd requested a review from you. Thank you so much for the review.

I'm so glad you enjoyed this and the characterizations of McG and Luna and that I didn't overdo Luna as so many people do.

I really meant this on the whole to be dream-like and it seems I succeeded.


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Review #8, by timeturnerBeetles and Butterflies: Beetles and Butterflies

8th October 2009:
Oh, a Rita centric fic...don't see many of these! Your descriptions at the beginning are marvelous. It's interesting that you wrote almost a prologue for this one shot, providing the background and childhood information for her and then breaking completely to start the main part of the story. It was an effective strategy here even though you may lose some readers since there is little action to propel the one shot in the 'prologue' portion.

The back and forth between Lockhart and Rita was priceless. You captured both of their characters and used those traits to play them off of each other. The dialogue was quick, snappy and exactly as you'd expect with those two. So great job there!

It's hard to envision either of these two caring about anyone other than themselves but you've managed to craft a believable relationship between them. I would have liked to have seen a bit more description scattered in to the story to give me a better sense of time and place but the way in which you wrote it, I think, serves the characters personalities well despite this omission. It's a well rounded piece of writing with a fabulous glimpse into two characters we don't see a lot of in fanfic and I applaud you sticking your neck out for the lesser knowns. Good job!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed the prologue. I have a tendency to include short snippets in my writing outside of the fanfiction world, but this is the only time I've really done that here.

:) The snappy dialogue was the most fun part to write. I'm a bit sassy, so it flowed well for me, making the characters so much fun to write.

The believability was by far the most difficult part to think of. I mean, they're both so ruthless and greedy! But I loved the idea of a doomed, fated love. I'll keep in mind the suggestion about descriptions. That's one I think I get more often in reviews, so I'll have to remember for future fics. (Or edits!) I honestly enjoy writing about the minor characters far more because I love having that room to play around with them. And, it's a bonus because people looking for a fix in that area have fewer places to go. Thanks!


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Review #9, by timeturnerLay Me To Sleep: Lay Me To Sleep

8th October 2009:
I rather got stuck in my review thread when this story appeared because I really enjoyed it and wanted to make sure to take the time to leave a proper review. It pretty much halted all my reviewing until I could get a break long enough to draft this review so for you (and everyone that followed this fab story in my thread) my apologies for the delay.

I love the tone how the beginning where you clearly demonstrate that his original thoughts were not of glory or changing the world but merely of fulfilling a social obligation that was expected of him. In the second paragraph you allude to him starting to question this idea (the ability to change the world) by his acknowledgement that Sirius and Peter would be remembered...and, for better or worse, both were always remembered for their deeds.

The nod to Sirius was a brief moment but one that spoke volumes. Where Sirius still wanted to acknowledge his brother, Regulus shied away giving another example of how Sirius is proud of his choice while Regulus is not. I know it was a really brief moment in your story but it captured my attention not only for what it said of Regulus but of Sirius as well.

You captured his fear well and, while the end was a bit quick and could have easily been extended, you wrote it well and managed to convey how his mindset of changing the world and making a difference came about despite his fears and misgivings. Wonderful story my dear, I enjoyed every moment.

Author's Response: :O wow! hi! I know I requested this review, but it was still sureal when I saw you left it! Anyways! Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked the Sirius moment, because it was actually one of my favorite moments of the entire story. It was the one where I could to show that even if family is open to one another, sometimes other ones shun themselves away. Anyways, thank you so much for the amazing review, it really made me squee loudly! Thank you so much! :)

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Review #10, by timeturnerBrink: Three

3rd October 2009:
Firstly, you aren't allowed to edit while I am in the middle of reviewing. Because, you know, that's just uncool of you.

I miss not knowing what Lupin knows. You skimmed that and it wasn't very nice of you. I like how Sirius' worry over ran everything else and he went to check on her no matter his own condition. Very Sirius of him. I like that at the end she finally gives him some of his own medicine with the spell. I did miss the description here. This chapter moved really fast and you didn't really let us in on the setting descriptions or the characters thoughts/emotions much. Peter was amusing and Sirius' reaction to him was equally so. I did like how you put the strain once again between Lupin and Sirius. You seem to be following that canon thread quite strongly. Lovely job, hon, just give me more Sirius/Lily action!!!

Author's Response: [This is in response to the fact that while adding this chapter I tried to type the chapter title (Three – cuz I’m original like that) into the Title Field and it didn’t show up so I did it again. Turns out the first version ended up at the end of the chapter. The best part is, no one was going to tell me because they thought I was being profound. Clearly, no one remembers Extempore’s ode to the number 3. Signed, The Count]

This chapter sucked :P I’m not being self-deprecating, it’s just that writing any kind of adrenaline pumped rapid sequence action scene is painful for me to write but I needed the impetus to move both of them forward from the cat and mouse game they’d been playing to a place where they would be ready to admit it wasn’t just going to go away if they ignored it long enough.

I miss not knowing what Lupin knows too :) The last thing I really worked on was Extempore. I started that story because I loved Tonks and, by the time I was done with it, I had a pretty big crush on Lupin :P It’s awful because I actually write Lupin more carefully here than I write Sirius. Probably because Lupin is a character a lot nearer and dearer to my heart. Respecting canon, he tells Harry that he thought Dumbledore was looking to him to exert some control over Sirius and James but that he never could…I think, as a youth, his status as an outsider would have caused him to be very gentle with his friends…and the time spent outside of the middle would also have made him perceptive and sensitive to other peoples needs. I guess what I’m getting at is that I think he would have noticed something was up between S&L almost immediately and, while I certainly expected him to confront Sirius gently, I don’t think he would do it without being certain things would go horrifically badly if he didn’t :P


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Review #11, by timeturnerBrink: Two

3rd October 2009:
Like the awkwardness that you put here between Sirius and James. Often in stories like this, people forget (or just ignore) the Sirius/James friendship. While you have it a bit strained from Sirius' perspective (as it should be) you have James acting quite naturally. That adds more dimension to the triangle and storyline you've created. The cane comment was funny and I adored where Sirius loses his temper with her. That's my kind of Sirius there :D

Nice cliffy and bringing Lupin into the mix with his unease (no matter which direction you take his part in it) was nice. I can easily see it helping lead to the rift that we know appears between them later in the canon series.

Author's Response: I think there are people in life that you just kind of have to be with. They might not be the person that you end up with or even the happiest, most healthy relationship you’ve ever had but, for one reason or another, it’s just inevitable. Skirting the edges of canon, as I so love to do, I think the only reason Sirius or Lily would have ever jeopardized their respective relationships with James would be because they couldn’t not.

We really shouldn’t even talk about Lupin, who I’ve always felt was probably closer to Lily than James…not that they spent more time together, but that he always understood her better than he understood James or Sirius… So I tend to feel like, no matter what happens, he’s always in her corner. Clearly it is my affection for characters that lead me to this story, not my indifference towards plots :P


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Review #12, by timeturnerBrink: One

3rd October 2009:
Of course, you know I already love the subject matter. The ship is near and dear to me and I'm glad to see you writing it. But all of that goes without saying, I guess. I'm happy to see you writing again and I like that your style shows through even in a setting your aren't real comfortable with. I particularly like the little nuances - Sirius noticing this and that about her movements - and love the paragraph where you finally allow them to kiss. Your description there is awesome. It shows glimpses of what I see in your original work and its nice to see the things you've learned in original filtering through to your fanfic.

Author's Response: I wanted to leave your reviews for last, not because they’re hard to respond to (which they are – but that’s not new for me) but because you’re my friend and you’ll still love me if I don’t answer them… but then I thought that might be mean, so back into FIFO order it is :)

I’d hope you love the subject matter since you’re pretty much the only reason I decided to write this particular story, darn it – I expect one loyal reader out of the bunch :P


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Review #13, by timeturnerQuiet Kindness: Quiet Kindness

10th August 2009:
I thoroughly enjoyed this. Your description at the beginning sat the tone and mood of the story wonderfully and it flowed into the "action" part of the scene quite well. I think the dialogue was extremely well done...minimalistic, yes, but that is exactly what was called for in a situation like the one you've painted here.

The only thing I could suggest (and it is the tiniest thing) is the character's name. Choosing Daniel was interesting but kept me from the main attention of the story. It may only be a staff thing (checking for real characters and such) but I found it quite distracting to have the Daniel Radcliffe/Harry mix in there.

As I said, I think you've written a wonderful piece here. Evocative, moody and yet setting a tone of hope not only for the "boy" but for a man who had been resigned to his normal quiet life and yet helped save the world in his own little way.

Author's Response: Oh, wow. Thanks so much for your kind words! I'm really glad to hear that you think the dialogue worked in this story - I agree that too much dialogue would have distracted from the story's flow - and I may have partially planned it that way. :P

I'm blown away that the only criticism you could find was Daniel's name. You have a good point - to be honest, I picked it without thinking when I first wrote this.When I picked up on the possible double meaning he was already Daniel to me, and I decided not to change it. I had actually forgotten all about the Dan Radcliffe connection until you pointed it out! I hope others aren't as thrown by his name though; it's something I will have to give some thought to.

Once again, thanks so much for the review timeturner! I really appreciate your input!


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Review #14, by timeturnerMay 1 1998, We Remember: We Remember

10th August 2009:
First, let me say, wonderfully creative plot you have here. I definetly think it's worth taking some time to "clean it up" (to use your words) as it's a unique engaging portrait of a particularly difficult time for the characters.

Your description are good here, a bit haunting and harsh at the same time. Which, of course, fits perfectly with the events of the story. I do see more definitive descriptions in your later writings...where you have tightened up the descriptions to make them more specific to a character rather than the broad overview type of description you have here. I think that both are needed and work here, you just perhaps should balance them a little as you have in your later works.

Since the descriptions and plot are already so well done, the one suggestion I can offer is to perhaps work on the flow of the story itself. Since you've chosen to talk about many characters, rather than just one, and the lack of dialogue (which works fine but is sometimes difficult for the average reader) making sure that the piece flows from one "scene" to the next is critical. There are a couple of ways you could do this. One would be to focus on a single character and have them seeing these things around them. For example, take your favorite character and have them sitting on the bench and acting as narrator as they see each of the other characters in the village. You would lose some of the internal monologue directly but could easily have your narrative character guess as to what each of the other characters is thinking.

You could also ue an inaminate object and have each character come across it. This seems strange in a review but when you think about it, it works very well as a transition in a story. For example, perhaps a falling leaf that gets caught on the summer wind you mention at the beginning. A the leaf travels around the village, it can be seen by each character. When seen, it calls forth the internal monologues that you have written for each character.

Yep and I'm rambling again. Gosh, you are going to hate me soon! As I said, this is a really fabulous idea you have here and I think thi is definetly something worth taking your time with. It could easily be a classic piece of writing if you take the time to nurture it. Well done!

Author's Response: Hello!! Sorry it took me awhile to respond. Life's been unexpectantly busy around here.

It is wonderful to know that my infant peice of writing is worth cleaning up. :) I always loved the idea of the memorial service and wanted to portray as many affected characters as possible. It is wonderful that you drew connections between this and my later works and really helpful.

When I initially wrote this, I didn't realize that the transitions were rather poor. Since then, I've realized that they are a bit jumpy. I love the idea of a narrator watching this all. I could definitely work with that. :)

Rambling is always a-okay when it's helpful. I don't think I'll ever hate you... As soon as I get a chance (once my novel chapter makes it through the queue), I'll be doing some much needed nurturing.

Thanks so much!
-witness


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Review #15, by timeturnerThere Comes A Time...: Memory

10th August 2009:
It's difficult to pull off a one shot that contains no dialogue but you've managed to succeed here. You have a good grasp on your own interpretation of Hermione and by using her internal monologue have managed to keep the story moving forward minus the dialogue, which is a wonderful talent to have grasped.

Your characterization of Hermione is quite different than most found in fanfic. You have her almost vulturous in a way, particular with her haughty comments about how she gets everything she wants. This may turn some readers off (particularly Hermione fans) but I think it pair well with the ending you have where she is forced to realize that this is not the case.

You mentioned that you were concerned most about Ron but I really don't see anything you should worry about. Through Hermione's eyes, we see him grow over the years and all of that remains quite true to canon. When you do finally stray from JKR's world, you do it timely and explain the change in his character. Hermione know that Ron hasn't done some quick change of face but it is the war and his losses that have changed him into someone she almost doesn't recognize. I think you've done quite well explaining this shift and anyone who takes the time to read it carefully will see that growth (or perhap regression) in him.

Once again, you've done a good job on this, most particularly in balancing her internal thoughts with the actions happening around her and being able to use this to keep the reader interested. Well done!

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Review #16, by timeturnerHPFF United Collaboration: Darkest Night

9th August 2009:
Absolutely gripping opening. Dark and foreboding from the very first sentences. Fabulous way to suck a reader in. I like how you've given her so much responsibility, especially the thought about the first years being so young...it was very telling of her character and how she thinks of others rather than just herself. Which, of course, is an unexpected trait from a Slytherin but you manage to sneak it in there and make us believe Slytherins can be human after all :P

I like the innocence you also depict here. We are so accustomed to knowing all about the battle (since JKR provided it to us) that it's easy to forget that 99% of those at Hogwarts were out of the loop, so to speak, on the thing that were occuring around them. You did an excellent job at showing the fear and confusion they must have felt as the situation escalated at the castle.

I'm not a Slytherin fan (obviously) but you've done a great job throughout this fic in showing the side of them that is often missed. The questionning of the younger ones at the end is very well done and will make most readers question the normal version of Slytherins that is so common in fanfic today. Excellent work!

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Review #17, by timeturnerLove Me: Love Me

8th August 2009:
Sweet, lovely story. Your characterizations are strong (particularly Neville) and you have a good grasp of descriptive writing. I know you are bit worried about the depiction of his grief in the story and, while I didn't think it was contrived, I do think you could make it much stronger with very few changes.

If you take a look at the story as a whole, you open with some wonderfully evocative descriptions- both in the physical sense and in Neville's internal thoughts. In the middle of the story, however, you dispense with these and move into almost solid dialogue. For a reader, this makes things a little difficult in that (1) it takes awhile for you to learn exactly who the character is; and (2) the dialogue pushes the story so fast that the reader can become disjointed from the experience of the story. The second, of course, being where you are getting concerned about the depiction of the grief.

A super easy solution to this, without any additional writing, is to take some of the description you have at the beginning and move it to later in the story. For example, the line where Neville is confused over his emotions ("Hannah, Im not sure if Im alright") has no lead up to explain his emotional upheaval. However, by moving some of his earlier thoughts and placing them in between Hannah's comment about dinner and this statement by Neville, the reader will be brought back into Neville's thoughts and emotions rather than trying to understand the quick change in dialogue.

Wow. I went off on a super ramble didn't I? Sorry about that. :P You'll probably never want a review from me again! Please, take my suggestions for what they are - merely suggestions. The story is perfectly wonderful as is...a touching, heart warming moment between two people unsure of how exactly their grief should be dealt with. Very good work :)

Author's Response: oh my goodness, what a lovely review this is. :) It is truly wonderful to recieve a review with well thought out criticism in it.

I am very glad that my characterization of Neville was viewable through my oodles of description and such. I think that conveying the character is one of the most important elements of a story. :) I'm also glad that you think that I have a good handle on description.

Your suggestions are not a ramble at all... at least not a useless one. This advice is wonderfull. I have this same problem with mostly everything I write. I almost always set the scene with my description before hitting stride and getting on with the action of the chapter/story. Not only does this advice apply to this story, but my writing style in general. I'll truly take this to heart.

It's wonderful to hear that as a reader, you found this little one-shot to be what I intended it to be: a touching moment between two relatively un-explored characters.

Thank you again for this lovely review! (I will most certainly request again)
-witness


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Review #18, by timeturnerAny Given Sunday: I.

8th August 2009:
Interesting writing style and you've pulled it off well. The dialogue is humorous and yet not over the top. The characters are believable and you flow from one scene to the next very fluidly. I think your strongest points in this chapter are the internal monologue sections and you seem a bit unsure of yourself when you move in to the dialogue sections.

As a suggestion - to help yourself feel more comfortable with the dialogue, you could blend your excellent internal monologue with the dialogue. Rather than forcing Louis to immediately answer back to those around him, for example, you can have his mind wander around a bit with his thoughts before responding. It would help the reader get more insight into your character as well as playing to your writing strong suits for this particular character.

As I said, I think is a unique writing style that you've managed to do wonderfully. It will likely be difficult to pull in readers at first due to the style but once you have managed to hook them, I'm sure you'll find many lining up to continue reading Louis' adventures. Your characters are original, the movement fluid and the internal monologues fabulous so you should have no trouble keeping readers interested in a longer version :)

Author's Response: Thank you! I think any fluidity and humour that managed to get through is a by-product of my writing style. No planning, just writing and writing. That sounds about right to me, there were a couple of characters in particular where I just wasn't quite sure what they would say.

That's a fantastic piece of advice, thank you! =] Will definitely start adapting that into future writings. Seems very obvious now you've mentioned it.

As for the longer version that's coming - I've actually toned the style down quite a lot. It was fairly extreme in this, so I've standardised it while trying to keep the same sort of feel. And yay for original characters! With so much being written that's not always the easiest thing to achieve.

Thank you so much for reviewing, the advice was fantastic and definitely something I can work with.


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Review #19, by timeturnerboggart.: boggart.

8th August 2009:
I know you intended this to be Sirius-centric but, honestly, I found myself more drawn to the relationship between Remus and Sirius. The small moments between them, the brief explanations of their actions toward each other, was so heartfelt. It drew my attention away from the actual plot of the story but in a very, very good way. I found myself looking for more between them - how these two long time friends were trying to help each other cope with their new world and yet give each other space at the same time. I loved their relationship as you depicted it here (whether it was intended or not) and how they would allow each other the freedom to grieve and yet still protect each others "secrets" or "memories" as well.

I know my review probably isn't very constructive since my mind made me focus on something completely different but, honestly, that's a true compliment to you as a writer. Many stories are only surface deep and, intentional or not, that you are able to weave an underlying thread through a chapter that makes your readers re-read everything more carefully is a great talent to have. Excellent job.

Author's Response: Usually when this happens, I just pretend like I knew what I was doing all along and was totally aware and intended for the underlying issues to shine through. This time, though, I'll admit that I never thought anyone could read more into this than what I wrote it for.

I have to say that I'm quite happy that you have found something other than what I intended in the story. I enjoyed writing the parts with Remus and how they relate to each other alone in that big house. I'm really happy that you found so much in their actions towards each other - it was not, perhaps, the point of this one shot, but I do think it's an important part of it.

Thanks for reviewing, Linda, the compliments are lovely and caused even myself to look at it in a different way!


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Review #20, by timeturnerGhost: Ghost

8th August 2009:
This is going to be a long one so bear with me. Firstly, have you finally been converted? Seen the light? I'm so happy to see you with more Sirius/Lily on your page. Good ones are so rare to find and I'm glad you've taken up the torch to write them. Okay, onto the review.

Desriptions as usual are great. I could not say it but that wouldn't be fair to you :P The opening scene is fabulous. You've woven together his confused emotions wonderfully...the things he knows (and doesn't) the things he remembers (and doesn't).

This is a little thing, I know, but if you are like me you've been reading your reviews waiting on someone to mention it so I guess I'll give it a go. There are a hundred things you could have had Sirius focus on when he "awoke" but the ones you've chosen are very specific to his character. That he would initially hide from the morning light, preferring instead darkness; that he looks for other things (insects, animals, people) to subtantiate the world around him because Sirius is never enough...he's a passive inhabitant to the world rather than in it and it was interesting to see that portrayed with the simple comment "he didn't think that counted for much."

I had a little confusion with his internal monologue but that was fine because it meant I was just as confused as he was. When his thoughts bounced around, I bounced around with him which, of course, is a great thing for a writer to accomplish.

I didn't like that he didn't know her right away. It was well-wrriten there, don't get me wrong, I'm just a sappy romantic and want their love to span through death and all that nonsense. It was heartbreaking to me (perhaps not to a non Sirius/Lily shipper) that he didn't which, I suppose, could have been your intention. If you meant to make me sad, well, then I'm mad at you :P

And then...THEN...you went where I've never gone. Kudos to you, girlfriend! I don't want to give it away in case some reads the reviews before reading the story but GAH! She was pregnant with Harry???

Okay, I'm going to disagree with the characterization here just because I don't want to believe that about Sirius. I just can't bring myself to believe that about him but you do pull it off in a believable way and I'm sure many, many readers will be happy about that turn of events.

I know the site is going to cut me off (if it hasn't already) so I should close this up. It was wonderful as I expected with enough twists to add your own unique mysterious style to it. Fabulous story!

Author's Response: Thank you for doing this, timeturner! It was a great surprise to see you offering reviews, so I couldn't resist, not when there was a Sirius/Lily story involved. :P But no, I haven't been entirely converted yet. I'm just addicted to writing this ship for some unknown reason (perhaps an unconscious conversion, then?). Sirius is an amazing character, while Lily is very elusive, which makes them intriguing to write together. :D

Anyway, the internal monologue was supposed to be a bit confusing, like you said, though it might also be because of the fragmented style - all the choppy sentences, etc. It seemed to work with a post-death Sirius, and I'm glad that it didn't alienate you from the story at all. That was a big worry.

You know, I actually didn't think much about what Sirius noticed when he first "awoke" from death. It's fascinating that it turned out to suit him, and it makes perfect sense that he needs something else there with him. Even at Hogwarts, it was always James and Sirius as a team, never each alone. Perhaps it's something to do with being a Black, needing a "family" around him, even once his own family has disowned him. Wow, this goes to show how well you know Sirius. :P

It makes sense that, if she was so important to him, that he would remember her. Perhaps he didn't want to remember James because of his guilt, but it was really Lily he was living for (which makes him sound like canon Snape, arg). So he should have known her. Yet it's part of the mystery for him, trying to figure out who she is - he already knows that she means something, everything to him, but it takes him a while to consciously remember her name. It is supposed to be a sad story (even with the almost-happy ending), so you can be mad. ;)

You haven't written about them cheating, that's true. I had to think about that a bit, but yes, what I did here takes the ship a step toward doom. It definitely is a dangerous place to go, as neither of them are the cheating sort, both loyal to James in their own way. I did it with another Sirily too, so I don't know. Perhaps it's just my rebellion against the ship. :P

Thank you again for doing this review, timeturner. It means so much to hear your thoughts on this story, the characters, and ship. It's fantastic that you enjoyed the story, too! ^_^


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Review #21, by timeturnerThe Tide That Left and Never Came Back: The Waiting Room

8th August 2009:
This was an quick, interesting read. It moved so effortlessly from one snapshot to the other than I could almost envision this as a movie trailer, if that makes sense.

I honestly don't know a great deal about this character so I don't feel comfortable trying to give out blanket opinions on characterization. However, I can say that the clips you've chosen are seamless and paint a whole picture of a person struggling with many different time periods in their life. The background theme of waiting helps consolidate the entire piece together which works well and provides a nice avenue for you to reach into her mind and you've done it exceptionally well.

I particularly like the way you have her waiting for something that she know won't occur. The earlier clips provide a good indication of what she expects to occur/knows will occur and you balance that well at the end of the story where she continues to wait even knowing she'll face disappointment again. Very nice work.

Author's Response: Thank you so much for this insightful review, timeturner. It means a lot (:

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Review #22, by timeturnerA Lion Amongst Snakes: A Lion Amongst Snakes

8th August 2009:
Interesting, interesting take on Regulus' sorting. I'm a sucker for a good chapter about the Black boys and this one fits the bill.

Regarding your primary concerns on the chapter: it flowed easily, no problems at all. I'm horrible at grammar so I won't attempt any critique there :P. Description was great at the beginning and end but seemed a little weak during the transition to the sorting scene. There was nothing wrong with it, it just seemed that you rather rushed it to get to something you deemed more important to the story. And I had no problem "forcing" myself to read it as I enjoyed it thoroughly.

Now, to the things you didn't ask about. I find your characterization of Regulus intriguing. The idea that he would be fearful of his sorting is obvious when you write it this way but not something I have previously considered. The way you have him struggling and trying to balance his loyalty to his family against his loyalty to Sirius was wonderful. His struggle with the sorting hat was particularly well written, considering that we know how Regulus' fate ends up.

Excellent job and thanks for allowing me to read it.

Author's Response: yay :D i'm happy that it fit the bill. i know a lot of people love the black boys so i wanted to do reg justice.

thank you! i can see what you mean by the transition. it didn't need much description, i thought, because i was focusing mainly on his emotions. however, i do tend to rush things from time to time, so i'll try to work on that.

fantastic to hear. :3 like i said, i wanted to do regulus justice. i wanted to show that even though he has it all, he still struggles in life because of all the expectations from his family and sirius. thus, i'm glad that you have said that, because it sort of.. affirms that i did it haha.

thank you for the comments! even though i'm horrible at responding to reviews, rest assured that i really do appreciate the time you've taken to read and review.
:)


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Review #23, by timeturnerWhole Again: Whole Again

8th August 2009:
Lovely descriptions. You've painted a great picture of the current Hogwarts that puts the reader right into the hallways with Teddy. I know you are concerned about the lack of dialogue but I think it works well here. It adds a mysterious undercurrent that you wouldn't get if he had someone along with him on this adventure.

I found it interesting that he was having to sort out the historical details of the past war. Whether you intended it or not, this actually brought other characters into the story by making me wonder why they were keeping something so monumental from him. And, of course, if that was the case why he needed to be protected from such things.

Anyway, I enjoyed the story tremendously and felt you did a fine job crafting an atmosphere that fit perfectly with the plot line. I think you have a good basis for exploring more with Teddy or other next gen characters if you so choose.

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the lovely review. I'm very glad you enjoyed the story and the descriptions. You're right, I was very concerned about my lack of dialogue, though everyone seems to say it works well with what I've written.

I really didn't intent for it to bring other characters to him so to speak, it was just how the words formed in my head and how I knew I had to write it.

Thank you so much for the amazingly thoughtful review and praise. I really do appreciate it.


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Review #24, by timeturnerJokes Aren't Always Funny: Jokes Aren't Always Funny

2nd February 2008:
What a fabulous little story! It's rare to see anyone focus on Molly, much less take her on from a first person perspective and you've done exceptionally well at it. I like the way you portray the boys upbringing through her thoughts and the quick way you managed to cover the background of the twins in a fast, almost clips of memory, way (if that makes any sense!). I enjoyed the mention of how she was so unhappy about the joke shop and the description in the morgue was great (especially the color comparison to the sheets). Wonderful job! You do have a few format errors where it looks like an extra break tag was placed mid-sentence (probably by the archive editor when you pasted and copied). If you take a quick glance of the story, you'll be able to see where they are. I noticed four places, I believe, and while they are easy to look over, it will make the piece easier for readers newer to our archive who sometimes can be confused about why you would break there :P. Anywho, fantastic job, if you are up for, I'd consider a longer length perhaps novella, taking on Molly's perspective of some other things. Maybe when Mr. Weasley is attacked by the snake or a battle scene or the summer when she finds out Harry and Ginny have been dating all year. Oh! Or even maybe a series of one shots based on different scenes but all taken from her perspective! Just food for thought. Take care and happy writing!

Author's Response: Aww, thanks for the review Linda!
I was thinking about writing a few more one-shots, but I just haven't been hit by a plot bunny recently.
Yea, I've been meaning to sort out those spacings for a while now. I'll go and correct them in a minute ^_^
Thanks again for the review, and for the message that you left at HPFF, your amazing, you know that? =D x x


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Review #25, by timeturnerLoyalty: Author Page

23rd September 2007:
There are never enough ways to say thank you. Even for me, the person who rambles like no other. I'm so amazingly grateful to all of you who put so much heart and soul into these pieces not to mention that you took time out of everything else that you do to craft such a stunning project. It absolutely warms my heart and reminds me every single day why I call HPFF home. Thank you!


And, just to make sure you are forever ushered into the annals of HPFF history.this is the "official" 1,300,000 review posted here at harrypotterfanfiction.com.

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