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Review #51, by MargaretLaneAlbus Potter and the Pureblood's Secret: Dawlish

11th October 2014:
Yay, another chapter of Albus.

Hmm, Meggie sounds sensible. Fair play to her. And it sounds like things are pretty serious between her and James.

I really wonder what those pins are for. I've a feeling they are something important. Possibly places where murders like the ones the previous year took place. Or perhaps places illegal potions were sold. I wonder if it's relevant that one of the pins marks the place Matt lived or if that's just a coincidence. Brisbane is pretty well-known. There could be a lot happening there.

I laughed out loud about the comment about where Dawlish thinks Johnston's head is. And I'm also amused at the way Albus thinks he might mean Johnston and Laurentis are having an affair.

It sounds like a lot of people are investigating privately - Harry, Dawlish, Balladanis, sort of Ron, maybe. Johnston REALLY doesn't seem to have the faith of his department.

And I am now getting kinda suspicious of Dawlish. I know I thought it was a woman, but I'm beginning to question the number of people who are suspicious. And Dawlish seems to be working independently of Balladanis and Harry, who are at least willing to share resources, regardless of what their personal opinions of one another might be. So all we know is that people THINK Dawlish is investigating behind Johnston's back. That'd be a good cover if he were doing something dodgy. And while others are pretending to support Johnston, he's making a parade of his opposition. If he were INVOLVED in the murders or something, then standing up for the person blamed in the wrong, would be a good way to make himself look innocent. And he could even goad Johnston into greater certainty about Boone by a bit of reverse psychology. Like the more he provokes Johnston into insisting Boone is guilty and denying all the things that don't fit, the less likely Johnston is to be able to admit he's wrong later on.

I'm not sure I REALLY believe Dawlish is guilty. There are still other suspects like the new librarian and the woman who was evaluating the teachers. But I'm adding him to my suspect list.

I'm a bit unsure as to which war Dawlish has been an Auror since, because Waters says the first war, which I would assume was the 1970-1981 one, but then he says "unless you count your dad and Ron," who were only infants at the end of that.

I like the idea about Kendrick having to cast a charm for Muggleborn's family members to get into Diagon Alley and so on. My headcanon is that if you know of those places, you can see them, because there is some contradiction as Hermione's parents were in Diagon Alley and with the families being invited to see the Triwizard Tournament, it'd be a bit unfair if there was no way for Muggles to visit Hogwarts, because it would mean a Muggleborn's family couldn't come. The idea of a charm makes sense.

And while a Muggle IS unlikely, mostly because I would have thought a wizard would be fairly easily able to defend him or herself against a Muggle (though they should be easily able to defend themselves against Muggle weapons anyway - hmmm), I think they are dismissing the idea too quickly. IF a Muggle WERE involved, it probably WOULD be somebody with some connection to the magical world, so a Squib or the family of a Muggleborn and those would be the people who WOULD be able to get into Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade. Actually, I think a Squib is more likely than a Muggleborn's family member, as their connection with the wizarding world would be greater. While a Muggle with a witch or wizard in their family COULD have a grudge against people in the wizarding world, I think a Squib would know more people there and be more likely to have enemies in it.

And actually, a Squib may feel resentful due to their lack of magic. It seems like there is a lot of prejudice against Squibs, so I can easily imagine one having reason to resent a number of people within the magical world. Hmm. You don't seem to have any Squibs as suspects though.

LOVE the relationship between Matt and Arthur.

And I'd forgotten they are taking different subjects now, until Matt had to tell Albus about Astronomy.

By the way, how long is this story going to be? It's nearly 20 chapters and still not at Halloween. The longer the better, by the way. I don't want this series to end!

And I LOVE the reference to Harry startling easily. It makes sense characters would be affected by the war. It's something I always tend to overlook in my next gen stories, I suspect partly because of being from a country that hasn't been at war in 91 years and therefore not having the same reminders of how the effects of war linger. I've written a few war trauma stories about the immediate aftermath, but I'm less comfortable with writing the effect that remain 20+ years later.

Also like the fact that even after mastering the spell once, Albus can't do it again. It's more realistic than having a character go from being unable to do something to doing it every time.

Don't worry about having hiatus. Your update schedule is amazing.

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Review #52, by MargaretLanePunishment by the moonlight: Punishment

7th October 2014:
Really like the beginning to this chapter and the way you gradually hint at what is going on.

You've written "it had started a couple weeks before." That sounds kinda American. "a couple of weeks" might seem to fit better, but then that might throw your wordcount out and it's not really wrong or anything.

Hmm, I'm guessing Fenrir Hollande is Fenrir Greyback. Perhaps "Greyback" is a nickname based on his wolf form?

That law sounds completely unfair. I guess I can sort of see what they are worried about with werewolves, especially since this is presumably before the days of Wolfsbane, though if they really wanted to, they could surely make an arrangement for the werewolf to spend the night of the full moon somewhere else or something. But half breeds seems to include people like half-goblins, who would pose no threat. The law doesn't exactly surprise me though, considering the attitude to half breeds in the magical world.

I'm not sure about your mention of a "public school." To the best of my knowledge, in England a public school is a very particular group of extremely expensive private schools. Also, Hogwarts appears to be the only wizarding school in Britain, so I think wizards would more likely refer to it as just Hogwarts or maybe a school.

Yikes, that reference to the photo of her kids is a bit creepy. I think it's the mention of "laughing silently". Even though it obviously just means that you can see but not hear the fact they're laughing, coupled with the threat from the werewolf, it seems to have other connotations.

"Mommy" sounds like a rather American phrase for presumably English kids to use. I'd expect them to say "Mummy."

Yikes, scary ending. I'm left wondering exactly what happens - if the children are killed or turned into werewolves. The quiet at the end seems to imply death.

Really good story.

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Review #53, by MargaretLaneClash: Him

6th October 2014:
Hmm, it seems as if Harry wants Albus to be prepared for future Dark Lords. Four seems young to be told stuff like that, but I am guessing Harry has his reasons.

And now I have sympathy for Albus too, with the stuff about nightmares haunting him.

It's only seeing your portrayal of Albus and Rose as being at loggerheads with each other that I realise how often they are portrayed as best friends. I've done so myself. It's interesting to see such a different portrayal of their relationship.

And YIKES, Albus is starting to sound a little like Riddle with his comments about how teachers were easy to manipulate.

I think the way you write this story in flashbacks really does work, as Rose and Albus are clearly very different people from those they are usually shown to be. And of course, they barely appear in canon, so these characterisations are quite possible. But I think it adds interest to the story to see them as such unexpected characters and then work back to show how two people raised by the parents we knew they had would turn out that way. Focusing on specific moments that led to them becoming the people they eventually did seems more effective than doing it chronologically might be.

Their parents were killed? Poor, poor Rose. To lose her parents and almost her brother.

I really wonder what happened to kill the trio.

And she and Albus WERE friends her, despite the divisions between them. I can't blame her for wanting to save her brother.

And I find the comment in the previous chapter about how she'll understand how people could reject an orphan when she has her own kids. I would have thought it would more be the opposite - that once one had kids of their own, they would find it more difficult to imagine people rejecting children for any reason whatsoever, let alone something that isn't even the child's fault.

But then again, that guy may have said that for effect and not because it's what he really believes.

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Review #54, by MargaretLaneClash: Her

6th October 2014:
OK, I really didn't expect this beginning. Rose in prison, the last witch in the world. I really wonder what is going on here and how all magical people have been wiped out. Does this mean Harry, Hermione, Ron and all Rose's cousins are dead?

I'm not halfway through the first chapter and already I have questions. That has to be good.

You've written "this did not stop me from lates nights". I presume you mean "late nights."

OK, we're a long time into the future, if there was a war between the magical world and the Muggle one fifty years ago. So that may explain how so many of the canon characters would be dead.

So she was orphaned by the age of 15 and her brother died too. Poor, poor Rose.

I still don't fully understand what is going on here. Obviously she got in trouble with her own people as a teen, after her family died, then it sounds as if war broke out between the magical and Muggle populations, possibly her fault in some way and most of the magical population died or went into hiding or something and she was arrested by Muggles. Whatever has happened, it looks like she's had a really tough time.

I'm guessing this Head is going to be the villain or A villain anyway. He seems frightening.

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Review #55, by MargaretLaneRainfall: Hot and Cold

5th October 2014:
Yikes, they seem to have a LOT of snow. There have been only two years when we've had snow deep enough to sled or stuff in. I guess in the mountains and places they get it more often.

I guess the descriptions of colours wouldn't mean much to Hugo as he wouldn't know what white looked like.

LOVE the mention of the law about Apparating with animals. I love little details like that that add to what we know about the wizarding world and you are so good at them.

I can see why that would be frustrating either way in the snowball fight. I think they should throw a few at him, but not as many as they would at others, so that he is included, but not constantly being pelted with snowballs he can't see coming.

Hugo is so excluded. He's caught between the world of his Muggle classmates, that he can't fully participate in because he's a wizard and inviting them around to his house might give something away and the world of his family, that he can't fully participate in because of his blindness.

It must be hard enough for magical children before they start Hogwarts anyway, with kids a few years older than them away at Hogwarts and a divide between them and Muggle children their age. Maybe that's why they all seem enthusiastic about starting Hogwarts, even if it means leaving their families at such a young age and seems like a pretty dangerous place.

Poor Rhiannon. She must have had a pretty horrible time.

Author's Response: Yeah, that's quite a bit of snow for England, but we did have about that last year and climate change only increases the chances of it.

That law about apparating with animals was a bit awkward because I suddenly realised I had a possible contradiction in a later chapter, but I've vaguified (that's a word 'cause I says so) it so there isn't a straight out contradiction. And I do like the idea of that law, so I didn't want to take it out. Of course we don't know the specifics of the law... yeah, anyway, moving on...

That OF I mentioned to you, I was actually considering using Rhiannon as the MC in that (Not quite the same characterisation and situation, but similar. Though I'm not sure I could face doing another blind character! They're hard work to write.) So her time might have been more horrible than suggested in Rainfall, but I don't want it to get too dark or complicated here... Well, Rhiannon's a plucky kid and I like her. Yeah, I know, poor Rhiannon...


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Review #56, by MargaretLaneHostage: A Story of Saving Albus Potter and Irene Malfoy: A Late Night

5th October 2014:
I really like the way you draw attention to the family rivalry between Scorpius and Albus and how that would cause more problems than the fact they are gay, because it's bound to bother Harry and Ginny a little if their son is going out with the grandson of the man who nearly caused Ginny to die in the Chamber of Secrets. They might be supportive, but I bet a part of them would be thinking, "great, does this mean we have to try and be civil to one of the leading ex-Death Eaters?" and equally Draco is bound to feel uncomfortable with his son dating Harry's.

And yikes, when I read down to the next paragraph, I find out Scorpius is being raised by Lucius and Narcissa rather than his parents. Lucius is bound to have objections to the Potters. After all it was Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny and Luna and Neville who caused him to be sent to Azkaban at one point.

I think they'd have to hide the fact they spent nights together anyway, as they are at school and I can't see any teacher being OK with a couple of 15 year olds (which is all they'd have been in 5th year) spending their nights with a boyfriend. There's a reason boys can't go into the girls' dormitories after all.

Yikes, Lucius Malfoy is cruel in this. I mean, he's cruel in canon too, but he does seem to be a loving, even indulgent father. I wonder why it is that he treats Scorpius so harshly.

You do the changes of point of view well. It is hard to cover so many different points of view in one chapter without it getting confusing or sounding jumpy, but this really doesn't.

Author's Response: Thanks for the review. This story doesn't have very many. I'm glad the POV changed worked out, the chapter was a bit random. I didn't even know what the story was going to be when I wrote it. I might have gone a bit over kill with Lucius. I just thought that his son's death may have been a trigger for him to completely detach emotionally, and he wasn't a very nice guy in the books either. I hope it didn't seem too cliche with the abuse, there is a lot more to it that is reveled later.

I hope you keep reading!
Gladis G.
P.S. Albus and Scorpius are in 6th year in the story.


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Review #57, by MargaretLaneDead of Night: More Words

5th October 2014:
Hmm, this is really creepy. I am intrigued as to what it is that scared Rose so much and whether there is actually something or somebody coming or whether it is something that has happened to her in the past and that she fears coming back.

I could see this either being a trauma reaction or clairvoyance.

One thing I'm wondering about is how old Rose is here. I don't know much about the speech patterns of small children, but that "wait" Don't go near that tree," sound rather mature for a toddler. Of course, we don't know for sure from the epilogue how old Hugo is. He could be three or four years younger than Rose. And even if she IS two, I guess there is nothing exactly wrong with them. They're pretty simple sentences. I think it's the "wait." I'd more imagine a 2 or 3 year old saying "no" and maybe "don't go to the tree" instead of "don't go near the tree."

The end of the chapter is so wonderfully creepy. It gives the impression that there is something threatening the family; that this is more than just a child reacting out of trauma.

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Review #58, by MargaretLaneThe Burning Game: A Few Hours Earlier...

5th October 2014:
OK, I noticed a day or two ago there was another chapter of this up, but it's so long, it took me a little while to get to it.

When you've written things like "came a chorus of replies," there should be a comma before it and a small "c" at the beginning of "came" as that doesn't make a sentence on its own. The dialogue is part of the sentence.

Love the retort to Scorpius. It really stresses the dangers of overconfidence and of not taking the threat seriously enough. I bet poor Scorpius is cringing, but hopefully, he'll think before brushing off these discussions in future.

And I really like the way you draw attention to the tension in the atmosphere. Between the telling off and the dangerous mission, that is to be expected.

Hmm, now I'm wondering how Muggle weapons would work when wands wouldn't. Maybe because they'd be less expected? I would have thought it'd be easy for wizards to counteract Muggle weapons, with a shield charm or expelliarmus or just by transfiguring it into a piece of wood or something. Then again, if a wizard were the one using the weapon, he or she could probably make it invisible or untransfigurable (is that even a word?) or something. Looking forward to seeing how they use them.

I'd be inclined to say "Shacklebolt put in" rather than "Shacklebolt inputted".

Again, in "'I am completely sure'. She replied," there should be a comma rather than a full stop after "sure" and "she" should have a small "s".

*laughs at his comment that they shouldn't shoot themselves as it would waste ammunition* Reminds me of the Michael Collins film where he goes on a rant at his men for wasting bullets.

I guess the need to really WANT to kill somebody with a wand explains why Muggle weapons could be useful.

I'm sort of surprised at Kingsley and Hannah having "the moral compass" to cast the Killing Curse. They both struck me as pretty moral characters.

Yikes, the level of trauma you are putting these characters through. Having to kill innocent people, as presumably most of the Aurors do not know of the Minister's plan, is bad enough, but Hannah having to kill her friend. That's the sort of thing you never really recover from.

Author's Response: Sorry for taking ages to reply! I was waiting until I was certain that I wasn't going to busy :)

I'll make sure I get right onto those grammatical errors! Thanks for pointing those out!

I love Hannah's retort to Scorpius as well, it's one of my favourite parts because it really stresses how dangerous it is. And I was really worried about the whole tension thing and whether it was getting across well enough or not.

I did think about the transfiguring of the weapons but then it wouldn't be expected/could be easily disguised, which is why Dennis created that liquid stuff to emerse the weapons in.

I thought the whole 'don't shoot yourself because we need to save bullets' was funny as well, I just HAD to put that in there.

I think what I meant by that was, when it came down to it, they were probably the one's who would successfully be able to cast it. Not that they were try and avoid at any cost, but when it was the only other option, they would have enough moral compass to do it. If you know what I mean?

That's why I wanted to write about Hannah and Rachel, because it will be hard and emotionally scarring for Hannah, having to kill her best friend. And I couldn't really think of anything worse than that.

~Aimee xxx


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Review #59, by MargaretLaneDementor: Helena Ravenclaw

4th October 2014:
LOVE the implied differences between Helga and Rowena. They fit perfectly with how I imagine them too.

I also really like the emphasis on freedom. I don't know much about Britain in the 900s - had the feudal era begun? But I think it was quite likely to have been a pretty restricted society, at least by the standards of the 21st century. Feudal society was definitely quite restricted. This is probably before the Norman era and I don't know much about the Anglo-Saxons. OK, I'm sort of rambling round in circles, but basically I can see the appeal of freedom to her.

The knowledge that this is going to be her worst memory makes this kind of creepy. It all seems so light and fun and yet we know there is something bad in store.

LOVE the descriptions of what each of the Founders teaches. It fits with what we know of them and of their houses and personalities.

And I also like the way you link her yearning for the tiara with her desire for freedom. This is a very different portrayal of Helena than the way I imagined her, but it makes a lot of sense and all fits together well and also fits with what we know of her life and her interactions with the Bloody Baron. This gives her an obvious reason to reject his advances.

Maybe it's because of what we know from the books, but I find something creepy about Slytherin here. And I think it is interesting that despite growing up in the castle and apparently having pretty close relationships with Helga and Godric, she can only cite ONE time when Salazar was kind to her.

I like the way you have him commenting that love comes later. I read that somewhere in a book, but can't remember where. And I like the way he dismisses love. All seems to fit with what I have read of the feudal era (in England), although my info is from a later era - more the time of Chaucer.

Oooh and I really like Slytherin's hints about not wanting the pureblood lines to die out. That is like him.

And yeah, there is something creepy about him, creepy and cold. I can see why she is afraid.

I may have missed something, but Gryffindor seemed to appear rather abruptly.

I like him though. He seems more willing to support Helena than even her mother is.

I like Helga too. I always imagined her as the peacemaker, but I like the way she stands up for Godric here.

Again though, she does seem to appear a little out of nowhere. I thought it was Godric speaking until she mentioned him by name.

That question about him inventing a new word just to be insulting amused me for some reason.

Poor, poor Helena. Her fear they'd blame her must be worrying. And I really doubt Helga or Godric would. Her mother might be irritated that her daughter had contributed to causing it, but I think she'd get over it.

Aw, that part about thinking her mother was pretending she still needed her almost brought tears to my eyes.

You really make her actions in stealing the diadem understandable. In your version, it is not just pride or ambition or a desire for wisdom that makes her do it; it's far more complicated. And considering that she comes across as a pretty nice person in the little we see of her in canon, it makes sense that there would be provocation. I feel SO sorry for her.

Awesome story.

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Review #60, by MargaretLaneRite of Spring: Rite of Spring

4th October 2014:
OK, thought you might appreciate a review today. *grins*

Love the conversational tone you achieve in the first paragraph. I don't know what it is, but you really give the impression of a young kid. Kids are hard to write and you do it well. Obviously, with Rainfall.

Oooh, this does sound posh, with the orchard and the mentions of croquet and bowls. Some of the description reminds me a little of the house in which my great-aunt lived - her husband made a fortune building houses. We used play there as kids with our second cousins. There was a tennis court and huge lawns and his bush that was totally hollow inside, and which was our den.

*laughs at her figuring nobody SAID she couldn't go through, so she would*

And suddenly the tone goes from peaceful and happy to slightly ominous. I'm not sure why, not sure what is going on, but I've the impression all is not well. Partly because it's a Leonore story.

There is something spooky about these crows!

Ahh, that part where she's being dragged towards the water is just scary. I can't help worrying she's going to drown or something. Though it's from her point of view, so that'd be hard to write. But I don't doubt your ability.

Aw, that part where Fleur hugs and reassures her is so sweet, a change in tone back to normal again and yet the abnormality remains underneath, with the reference to that other girl who drowned.

There's a real untold story here - what happened to the other girl, was she magical or Muggle, is there some significance to her similarity to Gabrielle, is something going to happen to Gabrielle too? Creepy.

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Review #61, by MargaretLaneGlory Fades. : Defense.

4th October 2014:
I love the part where they are closing and opening the trunk. It really portrays the conflict between them.

Hmm, you seem to have answered the question about whether or not those ill will be quarantined. But if the illness isn't contagious (as I guess it mustn't be or they wouldn't let her back to school), then how come so many people are becoming ill at the same time? Mysterious. That adds support to the theory of it being a Dark Wizard.

I'm also wondering how the authorities KNOW it's not contagious. A lot of people in the same families do seem to have become ill, like Fred and Roxanne and the authorities don't seem to have figured out what caused it. Maybe the numbers of people in the same families is no more than would be expected from chance.

I see George and Roxanne's point. She'll probably have to leave once she loses her magic anyway. But I also see her mother's. If she's at home all day with nothing to do and all her friends at school, she'll only be dwelling on things, worrying and feeling sorry for herself.

I think the characters might be more likely to say "since you didn't do your N.E.W.T.S" than "since you never graduated".

Ginny is ill too. Oh dear.

So it seems like it was an explosion that caused this illness. That explains a lot.

Hmm, I'm surprised Ginny is trying to convince her to go back to school. If using magic makes you ill and she would HAVE to use magic a lot at school, then surely she's better off not going back, so she'll be able to avoid using magic.

Ah, the next line explains that.

This guy is a bit creepy.

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Review #62, by MargaretLaneThe Last Summer : Lovely evening for a bit of a kidnapping

3rd October 2014:
Wow, this is a fantastic beginning to a story. Can't believe I'm the first person to review.

I like the use of present tense and the opening is so pretty and contrasts rather strongly with what is happening now.

LOVE the metaphor about her head feeling like it's been kicked by a hippogriff. And I like the way you portray how much pain she is in when she first awakes.

Poor girl. She must be terrified and feeling awful.

I am intrigued as to what happens next. Hope you update soon.

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Review #63, by MargaretLaneThese Dark and Hollow Nights: Chapter Three: House Unity

3rd October 2014:
I like the way you continue to show Hermione's upset as a result of the relationship breakdown and the way she is trying to move on and just be friends, but still doesn't want him to be the Head Boy. It's very realistic and gives a depth that either having her forgive him and have no further reaction or have her just hate him wouldn't give.

I think you portray Hermione very well, especially her feelings.

I'm not convinced McGonagall would tell her students why she makes the decisions she does. It's not really any of their business. And I think her comment about how people are probably wondering why she chose him a little inappropriate. Especially since she implies he only got it because of the house he was in. Dumbledore must have had more reason than that, as there are plenty of other Slytherins he could have chosen and he wouldn't even have known so many students would repeat the year.

Yikes, the seventh year will be pretty large if most of the previous years' seventh years are returning to repeat the year.

Aw, that comment abut not being Professor Dumbledore is kind of sad and something I can totally imagine McGonagall thinking. She looked up to him so much; despite her sternness and determination, she's bound to feel a bit apprehensive at the thought of stepping into his shoes.

Hmm, I am a little intrigued by Professor Quincy. Maybe because he is the title of the next chapter, which implies he has significance or maybe just because new teachers always interest me.

In a British boarding school, and certainly in Hogwarts, a dormitory refers to a bedroom, but while McGongall SAYS Hermione and Draco will be sharing a dormitory, she then directs them to different bedrooms, unsurprisingly, as I can't imagine any school requiring a boy and girl to share a bedroom. And it probably wouldn't count as a dormitory even if they did, since the point of a dormitory is that it is a bedroom shared by a number of people. This sounds like they are more sharing a suite or quarters. After all, the dormitories are separate from the common room in Gryffindor tower.

I like the name of the spell you created. It sounds like something the wizarding world would name a spell.

Author's Response: I think McGonagall knew a lot of people wouldn't take Draco seriously, so she told them her reasoning. Because a lot of people DONT trust the Slytherins but especially Malfoy and his gang, after they all were known for being on the "wrong" side of the war. And yes McGonagall would be a bit nervous about becoming Headmistress, even though she's always been the figure of authority for the students when there was no one they could trust- I.e Umbridge, and Snape.
And yes, Professor Quincey is a very intriguing character. He's different from a lot of the other teachers they've had. I think of him as someone of a mix between Lupin and Moody. He wants them to know everything they can about the Dark Arts- even though a lot of his students already know a lot about it- and he also wants to make sure they can protect and defend themselves against every kind of evil.
Anyways Quincey is an intriguing character. There is definitely a mystery about him, that's for sure, one that most people don't see coming.
About the dormitories- yeah I didn't realize that until I finished writing it. Calling it a suite or quarters does make more sense, now that you mention it. That's another mistake I'll be sure to fix when I go back and edit. Actually I really disliked this chapter in general... I don't know, it was just one of the ones I liked the least.
And as for the spell, like I mentioned it is actual latin. I just couldn't find one in the Potter-verse that suited what I needed it to do. Alohomora was close but I needed an actual opening spell, not an unlocking one, so I just Googled it and found one and used that instead. Since a lot of the Potter spells are Latin, I wanted it to sound as genuine as I could make it. I'm glad you think so!!
Thanks for another awesome review. I'm so thrilled that you took the time to read and review my story. As I mentioned before, you're one of my favorite authors on here. :) The Writing on the Wall and The Rise of the A.W.L are my amongst my favorite stories on this site. So thank you so much for the review!!


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Review #64, by MargaretLaneThese Dark and Hollow Nights: Chapter Two: The Right Choice

3rd October 2014:
Hmm, I'm not sure Harry would be PLEASED to see Draco. He may have forgiven him, but I still doubt he's his favourite person.

I really like the way you address the trials after the war. It makes sense that the Malfoys would face some kind of legal process.

I really think "they threatened to kill my family if I didn't cooperate" is an understandable reason for what Draco did. After all, a bank manager isn't found legally guilty if somebody takes his family hostage and makes him open the safe of the bank and give them all the money there.

Not sure I like Draco's comment that he didn't do anything wrong. While I do think what he did was understandable and he can't really be blamed, he still did try to kill somebody. I can easily imagine Draco reacting the way he does here though. He's not exactly the most given to blaming himself.

Oh, four lines below Yolanda Malkin's letter, you have a "tri" before a sentence. I'd imagine it's something you forgot to delete when deleting a sentence.

I wonder how Harry will react to getting a letter with a horrific slur in it. And it's a REALLY stupid thing for Draco to put in writing when he is up in court for Death Eater involvement. Using a hate-term for Muggleborns could well be used for the prosecution to try and prove Draco did what he did willingly. Now, I really doubt Harry'd inform them of the letter, as I think he does realise what an awful position Draco was in, but I wouldn't have expected Draco to realise that.

Harry and Hermione reacted fairly calmly to the term actually. I guess they are used to Draco. But seriously, Hermione offers to support him and he responds by using a term that indicates he supports the Death Eaters' persecution of people like her. I think I'd be a bit creeped out if I were her, but I guess she was sort of outside society at the time of the war, so she might not associate that term with persecution as much as say one of the Muggleborns who'd been arrested during the war would.

I have so much sympathy for Hermione in this story. She's already dealing with war trauma and then the guy she loves cheats on her because he can't cope with that. I think the fact that she is being so Hermione about it and remaining outwardly strong despite feeling really crushed helps.

And I'm glad she's decided to forgive Ron. Yeah, what he did was awful, but they were friends for a long time before they were boyfriend and girlfriend and they are both still friends with Harry, so yeah, it's good to see they are going to remain friends. And I think it DOES make sense. Under other circumstances, I would consider it unrealistic for her to forgive him so quickly, but considering that they've just been through, I guess cheating doesn't seem like that big a deal. And of course, they've all seen so many people die that I guess they wouldn't want to be fighting with each other in case something happened and they never got a chance to make up. Even if they know logically they are far less likely to die now the war is over, I still think it's going to be there in their heads on a subconscious level. So I can easily imagine her thinking "well, he really hurt me, but I've lost enough people and I don't want to lose a good friend just because he's been a selfish, thoughtless idiot."

Oh gosh, how embarrassing! Being asked about your relationship by a teacher. Probably embarrassing for McGonagall too.

The conversation between McGonagall and Hermione sounded a bit stilted actually. People don't usually say stuff like "I am well" and "I am sure." I guess Hermione is trying to be extra polite in front of a teacher, but I'm still not sure she'd speak that cautiously.

Oooh, I like the way you have the court prejudiced against him because of his family.

And he's not telling the full truth. He DID attempt to kill Dumbledore both with the necklace and the poisoned drink and the latter could EASILY have reached Dumbledore, had Slughorn given it to him. And while Dumbledore doesn't lack caution, he might trust something Slughorn gave him and drink it.

Author's Response: I should mention that she meant pleased in a sort of sarcastic way. Meaning Harry would be much more pleased to see Draco than Ron at the time haha. Draco just didn't catch the sarcasm. And I really had a difficult time with this chapter. I'm currently editing and trying to fix it but it was so hard to write!
And using the term Mudblood was instinctive. He's been calling her that for so long that it's become a habit and it'll be difficult to break the habit, though he will (I can say that much. It's not a spoiler lol.)
Yes, that is exactly why Hermione decided to forgive Ron as quickly as she did. None of them want to loose each other after all they've been through. And Hermione has realized that life should be about more than fighting and arguing and jealousy and all those petty things. But yeah, that was kind of embarrassing to be asked about your relationship by a teacher. Though she cares about her student's wellbeing, emotionally and physically. And Hermione had difficulty telling a lie to McGonagall, so that's why their conversation was a bit stilted, because saying that she was fine was a lie. Physically she was, but emotionally she wasn't.
And yeah, Draco did lie. That will be fixed up in the edited chapter though. And yes, they would be prejudiced against him because of his family. Especially because of Lucius.
Thank you so much for another amazing review!! Have an awesome day!! :)


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Review #65, by MargaretLaneThese Dark and Hollow Nights: Chapter One: The Daily Prophet

3rd October 2014:
OK, just to point out there are rather large spaces between the paragraphs in this. It might be easier to read if some of the breaks were deleted. Sorry to start with a negative, but it's more of a heads-up than anything else.

I really like the way you draw attention to the difficulties people are having even though the war is over, with the Weasleys struggling to cope with Fred's death and the Trio having nightmares over what they've experienced. All very realistic and makes way more sense than just moving on as if nothing has happened.

Hope they begin to heal and move on as the story progresses.

Oh, I think you've a "Weasley's" for Weasleys" when talking about their grief over Fred's death.

*laughs at Hermione's attitude towards the idea of a make-over* That is SO in-character. And hardly surprising. It's pretty downright insulting to suggest somebody get a make-over if they haven't expressed interest in one.

Yikes, what a way to find out. Poor Hermione.

I do think they are a little too inclined to take the Daily Prophet's word for it though. It's not like Rita Skeeter is the only journalist ever to fake a story. The picture does seem rather conclusive, but you never know with magic and so on. I think they should take a moment before jumping to conclusions. But then, despite everything they've been through, they ARE still only teenagers and Hermione and Ron always jump to conclusions when it comes to their relationship, don't they?

LOVE Hermione's reaction to Ron. Well, I mean, I don't approve of it, but it is exactly what she WOULD do.

And ugh, insensitive or what? "I was just trying to explain why I cheated on her." *laughs* Ron is just as thoughtless as always. Not the thing to say to pacify her.

LOVE the way Ron explains his reasons for cheating. It's really insensitive, but it really draws attention to the effect the war has had on Hermione in particular. It's perfectly understandable she'd be traumatised, considering how she was tortured among other things.

And I guess it's understandable Ron can't deal with it either, although cheating on her is NOT the way to deal with it, obviously. But he's been through a lot too, losing his brother and he is still barely out of school.

Yikes, George really did overreact. I guess he feels Ron is making little of Fred's death, so it's understandable.

And the war is still hurting them, despite being over. So sad.

I like the way you have Ron and Hermione having the exact opposite responses to the war. He just wants to move on and not waste a moment of life when so many people don't have the opportunity to go on with their lives, whereas she isn't ready to do that yet and I can understand that he feels her trauma is making it difficult for him to do that and that he can't comfort her, because that would mean being drawn back into what he's trying to avoid.

I wonder if his avoidance of it is entirely healthy. There's a part of his attitude that makes it seem like he's kind of in denial and that is backed up by Hermione's comment that "we're all hurting." I can see it coming back to haunt him yet and he'll have already cut himself off from much of his support system.

Hey is Lavender scarred from Greyback's attack in this? Because that could also be quite a reminder of what he's trying to avoid.

Author's Response: Thanks for the heads up about the paragraph thing. I will be sure to fix that when I go back and edit. And wow you're one of my favorite authors on here so I'm so thrilled to have received a review from you!!
I love your reactions!! and normally, in several post-Deathly Hallows fics that I've read, people tend to not show how they are coping after the war and would rather just brush it off and pretend it never happened. I didn't want to do that in my story. And I know that the whole "Ron cheated on Hermione" scenario is WAYY overused but I wanted to make my story as different from the usual cliches as I could without making it sound too unrealistic, so I tried to be careful when writing it. And yeah Ron can be a bit insensitive. And George probably did overreact but Ron was making little of Fred's death so that would piss him off haha.
Definitely Ron is still in denial at this point. And he would much rather just ignore the truth meanwhile the truth is staring him in the face all the time, with Hermione and Harry's nightmares and Hermione's scars and such. And yes, Lavender is scarred from Greyback's attack but she's Iike Ron that way. She just wants to move on and forget it ever happened and that's why it's not as much of a reminder for Ron.
Thank you so much for your review!! :)


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Review #66, by MargaretLaneYear One: The Magic Begins: You're just as sane as I am

2nd October 2014:
Hmm, this is a rather intriguing chapter title.

And hmm, again the comment about her father not being sane is interesting. I like the way you just mention that casually and intrigue us.

I get the feeling there's more to this character than meets the eye. She obviously wasn't happy at home, but she doesn't seem particularly happy at Hogwarts either. She has some similarities with Harry - being raised by somebody she doesn't get on with and having lost a parental figure with whom she might. Or maybe not. I am wondering whether her mother was forced to leave for some reason or if the father found some way of ensuing he got custody. If the mother deliberately left her daughter with a guy who seems pretty dodgy and never contacted her, it doesn't say much about the mother either.

But it may not be that simple. Maybe she couldn't contact her for some reason or maybe she didn't know what the father was like. Maybe the father isn't even as bad as his daughter considers him.

OK, you've really started me speculative, because you keep hinting at things but leaving it vague, which not only tempts the reader to read on, so as to figure out what is going on, but also makes sense. Your character KNOWS what she is talking about, so she doesn't need to think about it in detail.

Author's Response: Yes we are being vague with this character for a reason, I promise! Suspense is a good thing right? We are going to be revealing a lot about Bethany's past in the second book so stay tuned! Thank you so much for reviewing!

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Review #67, by MargaretLaneYear One: The Magic Begins: Courage

2nd October 2014:
Wow, this chapter is a lot longer than the previous ones. Between that and the title, I have a feeling THINGS WILL START TO HAPPEN in this.

One thing: it might be helpful if you gave some indication within each chapter as to who is speaking. I don't mean you have to start with "Grace's POV" or anything. It's possible to do it more subtly than that. But when it's just in the chapter summaries, you don't see who it is unless you look back to the chapter page before reading each chapter.

I had to laugh at the comments about Sam being a metamorphmagus. Yes, the changed hair colour just MIGHT give it away.

And the idea of a Muggleborn metamorphmagus is really interesting. It must have been pretty difficult for his parents to explain that to friends and relatives. You could actually write a pretty amusing story about his infancy.

You characterise her mother SO well. The formality of her speech, the way she signs herself "mother" rather than "mum", the lacy handwriting, her assumption that Hogwarts will change things simply on her say-so...they all give us a good impression of the type of person she is. And she hasn't even physically appeared in the chapter, nor has anybody directly described her.

I'm guessing the drawing it out has something to do with Cleveland accents or something like that?

You have full stops at the end of some pieces of dialogue where there shouldn't be, like "'well, obviously she should be in Slytherin.' Says my mother." "Says my mother" is not a full sentence on its own; it's part of the previous sentence, so there should be a comma after "Slytherin" and a small "s" on "says."

I love McGonagall's comment about how students are not permitted to just change houses. Her calm certainty sounds just like her.

Well done to McGonagall for giving her the points. And again, it is completely in character for McGonagall to quote Dumbledore and refer to him as "a wise man".

In "one's parents," there should be an apostrophe before the "s" in "one's" as the parents belong to the person.

Author's Response: Yeah, her mother was interesting to write. I'm excited to get to the holidays and have some tense family drama.I'm glad you liked how I wrote McGonagall, I was afraid I had butchered it. Again, sorry for any spelling and grammatical errors, I am not perfect, nor is Betana, and they are sure to happen. Also, the CLEVEELAND thing is an inside joke between Betana and I. It has nothing to do with accents. I'm not exactly sure what a Clevelandish accent sounds like.

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Review #68, by MargaretLaneYear One: The Magic Begins: First Day at Hogwarts.

2nd October 2014:
I'm amused by the comment that the red-heads must have some kind of secret society as they all seem to know each other.

The second time you've written "you're wand" instead of "your wand". "You're is short for "you are."

I always enjoy seeing new teachers. It's interesting to see what kind of personalities people develop for them. Professor Barrow seems kind of nice so far, although that staring thing is a bit weird. Hmmm.

I would like to see a little more of the class and what she is like as a teacher. I guess we'll see more of her later.

Author's Response: Yeah, that part made me laugh as well. Sorry about the spelling errors. We know the difference between "your" and "you're" but sometimes they're had to catch. There will deffinitly be more with Professor Barrow.

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Review #69, by MargaretLaneYear One: The Magic Begins: The Sorting Ceremony

2nd October 2014:
I love sorting chapters. It always gives you quite an insight into characters to see what houses they are in. And especially with the triplets, it'll be interesting to see if they are in the same houses or different ones.

Does your main character know the Malfoys or not. In the first chapter, it seemed like she'd never seen Lucius Malfoy before, as I think she described him as a blond haired man, which she'd hardly do if she knew his name and she seemed surprised by his attitude towards the Potters and Weasleys, which wouldn't be much of a surprise if she knew Scorpius, given HIS attitudes. But now it seems like she knows him, unless she's just going off his attitude in the last chapter.

She shouldn't really be able to hear what the Sorting Hat says to her sister, apart from the house it calls out, I don't think. After all, Harry didn't hear what it said to anybody else during his sorting.

I like the difference you've already indicated between her two sisters. It seems like Brooke is a typical Slytherin, whereas Erin is mostly concerned with making her family happy. I guess loyalty to a pureblood family could be seen as a Slytherin trait, but in a different way and it could also be seen as a Hufflepuff one.

I've a feeling Grace is going to surprise everybody and end up in Gryffindor.

OK, she sure did surprise everybody, me included. I hadn't expected that. I really like it though. It creates a bit of a surprise. Slytherin or Gryffindor would have been expected.

Author's Response: I like sorting chapters as well. She's basicly going off his attitude from the train. Scorpius is going to have to work hard to overcome THAT first impression. Unless he doesn't care whether or not she likes him. I suppose you're right about the sorting hat. Oh, well. Just say it's some weird triplet connection thingie. Also, Ravenclaw for the win!

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Review #70, by MargaretLaneYear One: The Magic Begins: The Hogwarts Express

2nd October 2014:
Actually, I'd like to see a little more of the other two triplets. I guess we will as the story moves on, but I'm rather intrigued about them.

*laughs at how Scorpius asks for their blood status before deciding whether or not to sit with them* Again you give us a real insight into his character straight off. Scorpius is one of the characters whose portrayal differs most from one fanfic to another. In some he is best friends with Albus and Rose, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen here. *laughs*

I wonder if he is going to be just like his father or if there are going to be differences.

And yikes that bit about him WISHING he was a Death Eater is creepy. Maybe he's just trying to sound tough, but still.

Are the Death Eaters still around in this story or has calling somebody a Death Eater just become a term of insult for people with pureblood prejudice? I could well see the latter happening, but a story where the Death Eaters still exist in some form or there is some type of neo-Death Eater organisation could be interesting too.

Hmm, this character really DOES seem to have an interesting background.

And the only reason she's going to Hogwarts is to get away from her father. So she doesn't actually WANT to learn magic. That's interesting and not exactly surprising. I'd imagine a lot of Muggleborns would have reservations about going away to a boarding school they'd never heard of and leaving their family, friends and home behind to learn things they'd never even heard of before. And I'd say their parents would have even more reservations.

*laughs at her wanting to be in a house with red*

Author's Response: There will be more with the other two sisters, though the main characters are Grace and Bethany and there soon-to-be group of friends. No, it doesn't look like Scorpius is going to end up being friends with Albus and Rose, does it. *chuckles secretively* I think that "Death Eater" has probably become an insult thing, though a Neo-deatheater thing would be interesting. And since my co-author, Betana, writes Bethany's character, I'm as interested to find out more about her character as you are.

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Review #71, by MargaretLaneYear One: The Magic Begins: King's Cross Station

2nd October 2014:
Love the introduction of triplets. When I first heard the "our" birthday, I was sort of thinking "oh, twins again." Not that there's anything wrong with writing about twins, but they seem to turn up a lot, whereas I have NEVER before seen a story about triplets at Hogwarts.

You achieve a really conversational tone here, so that I can actually imagine the character speaking and I really like her comments about reading the History of Magic textbook. That gives a real insight into her character - not just the fact that she's read it but the way she talks about having done so and even the words she uses.

For such a short chapter, you have really given a sense of the character's voice.

I like the way Draco says almost the exact same thing as Ron does. It kind of indicates they are more alike than either of them might like to admit.

The only thing that seems a bit out of place is Draco saying that Scorpius has his mother's brains. It makes sense for Ron to say that as Ron is well aware he is less intelligent than Hermione and doesn't even value book learning all that much anyway, but with Draco's arrogance, I would expect him to take credit for it if his son turned out to be particularly intelligent. I also think he would expect his son to be intelligent. I'd expect him to more say something like, "luckily, you're as intelligent as might be expected from a member of both the Malfoy and Greengrass families" and then maybe add on something like, "your mother got all Os in her N.E.W.T.S., you know. I'm sure you'll do likewise."

Of course, Draco might well have changed as a result of his experiences in Half Blood Prince and Deathly Hallows and also just from maturing, so this may be simply due to how you are portraying him in this story. But it just sounded a little un-Draco-like.

I also think the part where she is talking about how the Weasleys, Potters and Longbottoms are heroes could be given a little more detail. The "what is he? A Death Eater?" seems to be just a sort of throw-away comment and I'd expect her to have a bit more reaction if THAT thought crossed her mind.

I do like the way you've referred to Neville not getting as much attention as the Trio. It's kinda typical really, isn't it? Poor Neville. Although maybe he'd prefer not to be the centre of attention.

And I think you have managed to give a bit more insight into your character based on the fact she thinks he deserves more attention.

Author's Response: Thank you for the bit about the triplets. I hadn't actually thought about the fact that there aren't many HP fanfics featuring them. I do agree that the "mother's brains" line seems a bit out of character for Draco. I mostly put it in there because I liked the idea of Draco and Ron saying the same thing. I also agree about the 'Death Eater" part, now that i think about it. Thank you for your insightful review.

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Review #72, by MargaretLaneRabbit Heart: Tenderized Hearts

2nd October 2014:
Poor Wren. She seems very shaken by this whole thing.

And I like the way you mention it again later on. It draws attention to the fact she's still dealing with that panicyness, even while other things are happening, which is easy for the reader to forget.

OK, I'm not quite sure what that rabbit is all about. It's definitely REALLY creepy. And I wonder if Summers sent them there on purpose because of the rabbit being there.

*cheers for Wren managing to fight off Bunny's demands* I don't know whether it is the right or the wrong thing to do in this situation, but at least she doesn't seem to be completely in thrall anymore and that has to be good.

I'm wondering now if the bite will have some kind of effect on Albus or if it was just getting blood.

And it seems like some of the things Bunny is telling her are helpful. This is getting weirder and weirder. Poor Wren. She's having a REALLY rough time.

I'm not sure the fact she's defending Bunny is a good thing though.

LOVE the comment about Madame Pince reminding her of the monsters. It's so wonderfully creepy.

I'm glad Albus is OK and that Wren is thinking that maybe she shouldn't let Bunny close to her.

Author's Response:

I think anyone would be shaken by that, but that's just me. :) I'm trying to get Wren to start thinking (more) clearly now, but it's hard because she's still partially under the influence of Bunny. The difference is that she is aware of it, which helps.

It's all my fault. I set up all these convoluted, twisty story mechanics, and now I'm paying for it. It's incredibly difficult to keep things straight and show what needs to be shown without confusing the heck out of people. Sigh. Okay, next time, it will be a straight-up thing with no complications...

*looks at next WIP*

Uh oh.

Thanks for coming back for another chapter! I love your reviews!



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Review #73, by MargaretLaneActions Speak Louder than Words: Boredom: Rose and Scorpius POV

1st October 2014:
I like the sound of this chapter. You indicated things were about to get intense in your reply to my last review and I enjoy a bit of intensity, though I'm not sure whether it's going to be emotional intensity or villain stalking people intensity. The former is my favourite, though the latter could be interesting too.

And I LOVE the summary to this chapter. I assume it means because she can't go out for fear of the villain rather than being a reference to her mental state, as I originally thought, but either is interesting.

I really like the way you go into detail about how much the restrictions are bothering her. So many stories end all stress once the character begins to confront their demons or the main pairing gets together, whereas in reality, problems aren't sorted so easily and being so restricted WOULD be extremely difficult. Especially as it seems to be dragging on for months on end. It may be minor compared with her post-traumatic stress and the risk of death, but the little things are still frustrating even when you have bigger problems.

Poor Wolfram Longbottom. He sounds a little like his dad, just from that little comment. Assuming he is his son. He could be a cousin or something too, I guess.

Hmm, I'm now intrigued as to what it is that Ruth has found out.

And I like the positive note in her letter. The whole comment about the faster her recovery will be reminds her that she will recover without being so positive as to make Rose feel guilty or inadequate if she doesn't progress as fast as she might.

She does seem to be doing better though. In a way, even her frustration and annoyance is a good sign, as her focus on the restrictions shows the other problems aren't demanding so much of her attention that she is unable to carry about the more petty problems.

And in practically the next LINE we get a real impression of how much better she is doing when she says she's now ready to experience life again, but can't. It may be unfair and really annoying, but I still think it's better than her not being up to experiencing life "outside her little cocoon." There are real indications she'll recover. Of course, that assumes she doesn't experience further trauma at the villain's hands that set her back. Even just seeing him or having reason to fear another immediate attack could easily set back her recovery.

And in the very next line, she considers the possibility of another attack.

And I like the little details like that Scorpius and Rose enjoy cooking whereas Albus and Selenia do the easiest options possible.

I think it is good for her to learn some extra defensive spells, just in case there aren't enough Auror around to protect her. However I really don't think it would be a good idea for her to remain and fight if it is possible for her to get away and I can easily see her doing so. She's not an Auror, she's at greater risk than other people as it appears it's her the villain is after and she has trauma issues that aren't going to be helped by being injured in battle. But I can easily see her not wanting to leave other people to fight when it is likely to be her presence that drew the villain in the first place.

Harry'd be a bit of a hypocrite to object to the underground teaching of Defence Against the Dark Arts, wouldn't he? But I guess this is different, as Rose has, or should have, adequate protection, whereas the Hogwarts students were not receiving adequate preparation in Harry's fifth year.

I doubt Rose would go anywhere unprotected. While she may not know the full story (and I am intrigued as to what it is she doesn't know), I think she knows enough to realise what a bad idea that'd be. But then on the other hand, she may just be frustrated enough to take a risk.

Stay with somebody who can protect you, Rose!

I'd be inclined to put a "pm" after the "seven o'clock" part, though it's not really necessary as the next line and the fact they are having dinner makes it clear it's the evening anyway.

I hope she is with Ron and Hermione.

Hmm, you've left it up in the air where she is even after she arrives. I'm intrigued. It could be her mum she's with, but I kind of doubt it. Harry, maybe. Although the bit about knowing how she is could indicate her mother, as Hermione would understand the trauma she's feeling.

Many of the people I'd consider aren't options, as we know Albus and Scorpius don't know where she is. Hmm.

I think the flow of this chapter is better than previous chapters, maybe because of the beta. I thought it read really well anyway, whatever the reason.

And yeah, that part I mentioned in the last chapter may well be a dialect thing. I've seen it like that in other stories too.

Author's Response: Hello there!

I was so excited to see you were the first to review the latest chapter :)

Hmmm - emotional intensity vs. stalking intensity - can it be a bit of both? I definitely have both lined up. Although admittedly, there is probably a bit more of the villain thing going on for a few chapters or so.

Ooo - I didn't even think of the double meaning for the chapter summary. Rose is on her way toward healing. She is most definitely in a different place than at the beginning of the story - and I have no intention of sweeping her emotional progress under the rug, but as she progresses, there will be other challenges for her to overcome.

Yeah, I don't think her idea of practicing defense is a bad one, either! The Auror trainees are just kind of stuck in a tight spot right now - they know some things that Rose doesn't.

Haha - I put that in there about the DADA because *of course* Harry isn't going to protest, but I'm working off the premise that these next gen kids don't know about Dumbledore's Army. I feel like Hermione wouldn't let Ron and Harry let their kids know just how often the trio broke the rules when they were at Hogwarts - haha!

Rose isn't stupid about her own safety, just really, really frustrated. But I'll let you read the next chapter to find out more...

Thanks for the comment on the flow. I do have a beta, which helps *loads*, but I'm also taking a bit more care with the chapters and I re-read them a *lot* before posting. I'm getting to some delicate parts of the mystery and I don't want to mess anything up!

Thanks so much!

Beth





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Review #74, by MargaretLaneRainfall: Parents

29th September 2014:
This line sounds a bit off. "It's very rare - though not unheard of - for consider a human prey." I kinda feel it should be something like, "for them to consider a human prey".

*laughs at Rose being all enthusiastic about snow while Hugo is trying to watch an educational program* It's so much the opposite of what my characters would be doing.

*hugs Hugo* This was me every time my family wanted me to go for a walk as a child - OK, usually when I was younger than Hugo. Walking was such a waste of reading time!

And I think you know from out conversation the other day why I'm glad Hermione promises not to read Hugo's writing.

Oh gosh, POOR Hermione. That is so horrible. *huggles her tightly*

You've written "the Death Eaters never realise they were my parents" instead of "realised."

I LOVE the part where he realises she'll be less likely to dwell on things if he's with her. He is so insightful.

I actually laughed at the comment about him going out completely naked.

That's always what strikes me about Hogwarts - eleven year olds leaving their families and only coming home for a couple of weeks a year. Now, we've discussed Irish attitude to homecoming and how it's the norm even for college students to return home at weekends (it's the norm in most boarding schools here too) and even with that, I know some people who found first year of college very hard. And if 17/18 year olds found it hard being away from their families 5/7s of the term time, how much harder must it for ELEVEN year olds to be away for months at a go?

LOVE the last two paragraphs. You describe the whole scene so graphically.

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Review #75, by MargaretLaneAu Clair de la Lune: Au Clair de la Lune

25th September 2014:
Yes, I know we're supposed to be editing our collab, but this needs doing first, OK?

Love the title, now that I've figured out what it means. French for moonlight is so perfect! I don't speak French, although I did it for my Junior Cert. I speak English and Irish and possibly a little German, but not French.

And I like the summary too. OK, I think this is the first time ever I've had that much to compliment before I even started on the story.

And thank you SO much for the A/N. That is SO nice of you (I think I'm starting to sound like Lydia here). And yes, you have more than done her justice.

Love the opening line. You may have noticed that physical description and scene setting aren't my thing (I seriously believe I am missing whatever it is that controls visual intelligence *laughs*), so I am always impressed when somebody can set a scene so well.

I really have to stop complimenting everything or I'll have run out of characters before I get through the first paragraph.

*laughs at her not really listening*

You should probably start a new paragraph for "back in a minute."

The whole scene with the barman is so cringey. You really capture the whole embarrassment of it. If she were with-it enough to be embarrassed, that is.

I like the lifeguard. He seems like a really decent guy. And actually, there's a sort of similarity between some of his role here and something later. Not much of one, but it reminded me nonetheless.

Love the detail about how she usually thinks giggling is stupid. Her change in behaviour when she's away from her parents kind of fits with their obsession with perfection. Yeah, let's blame them for this. They probably put a lot of pressure on her, so it's hardly surprising she'd go a little wild when away from their eyes.

And while under other circumstances her boasting and attitude towards the goblins (and her comments about Joe's name) might irritate me, knowing how this ends, I'm more inclined to sigh at the irony of how everything she is boasting of will soon fall apart.

Love the way you slip the full moon in earlier, setting the scene almost romantically, but ominous when you know how this ends.

And love the detail of her being terrified of getting in trouble. It highlights how traumatic becoming something considered a dark creature would be for her. If she was the sort of teen who liked to rebel, there might be a sort of dark glamour about it, despite the horrible aspects, but she really has no resources with which to deal with being a despised creature. Especially when she has always been a high-achiever.

Even knowing how this ends and having read it before, I jumped slightly when the creature appears. You just describe it so creepily. You wondered if you'd done justice to this scene, but I doubt I could write it this dramatically.

LOVE the detail of her leaving her wand in her room.

The part where the Healer locks the room is so creepy too.

And she's already blaming herself. Yeah, I know she spends my stories blaming herself for EVERYTHING, but still, poor, poor girl.

*laughs at sarcastic responses springing to Lydia's lips* Actually I could imagine her having been sarcastic before everything happened. Until trauma knocked so much out of her.

The part about how she'll pay for her night of stupidity is so sad.

If you want an idea of how sorry you've made me feel for Lydia, reading this makes me want to write a sequel where her grandmother arrives, yells at the Healers for being mean to her, then puts her arms around Lydia and tells her not to worry, she'll take care of her and it'll all be OK.

Ten out of ten.

Author's Response: OK, the collab can wait. ;)

I thought the title was nice and romantic. Ironic. Like the rest of this story. I speak English and a some French (I did it for GCSE) and a little German and you know the level of my Irish!

*laughs* Thank you! I was pretty proud of the summary, particularly considering how short I had to keep it (to allow for credit and title translation). And awww, thank YOU! I'm glad you like how I've written Lydia. I mean everything I said in that A/N. (And sounding like Lydia isn't a bad thing, so long as you don't take it too far.)

You know how long that first sentence took me. But I had to get it right. This is the kind of story where it's all about the scene setting, and I specialise in description and scene setting. While you rule at characters and plots. We make a good team.

I like the lifeguard too. He's probably about the same age as Lydia and the rest, and he's the sort with the dedication to go out and get qualified so he can get himself a summer job and start earning. He's that kind of sensible young man.

YES! We are allowed to blame the parents. I blame her stupid parents for EVERYTHING. (I don't like them.)

Irony everywhere. The goblins was kind of pointing out that she mentally considers them inferior and is discriminating against them and soon, she'll be the one discriminated against. And yeah, she's supposed to be an irritating and stupid teenage girl at this point to make her later vulnerability even more obvious.

Well, I felt like it would seem less of a forced plot twist introducing the werewolf if there was at least some sign that it was the full moon. But it's presented nice and romantically!

Oh, I knew when I started writing that this could be really effective and that I had it in me to make it so, so I was worried about living up to my own expectations. Like I kind of had a picture of it in my head which I had to put into words and convey to readers. That scene is one of those where there's so much capacity for emotion and intensity and all the words had to be right so as to keep the intensity going right through. And yay, it seems I managed it!

And oh, I had to show the change caused by the trauma she goes through. And do my best to grab readers' hearts and squeeze. (I enjoy doing that).

I MADE YOU FEEL SORRY FOR LYDIA! I feel sorry for her basically all the time when you write her, so it's all fair. And you should write that sequel (once you've finished A.W.L.!). That would be fanfiction of a fanfiction of a fanfiction. Which is beginning to get a little out of hand... Ah well, who cares? But actually being NICE to Lydia. Though it would also be an opportunity to show her early reactions to becoming a werewolf, which could be heartbreaking.

Merci bien, danke, go raibh maith agat, gracias, thank you! I think that's all the languages I can remember how to say it in... (French, German, Irish, Spanish, and English) So glad you liked it! *hugs*


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