Reading Reviews From Member: MargaretLane
902 Reviews Found

Review #51, by MargaretLaneOne Dark Night Of Pain: The Howl

21st February 2015:
I really like the beginning of this and how you link what happened to Ariana with what happened to Kendra.

There should be a comma after "brothers" and before their names.

LOVE the way you set the scene in the beginning of the flashback part. We immediately get a sense of an ominous atmosphere.

There should also be a comma before, "her ankle twisted."

Yikes, knowing what is going to happen, that howl literally made me shiver.

And OH, I've just realised the significance of her twisted ankle. It means she won't be able to escape the werewolf. LOVE the way you included that little detail that at first just seemed like part of setting the creepy scene and then turns out to have greater significance.

You've written "don'et" at one point. I presume it should be "don't."

LOVE the line "everything went darker than the night."

"A part" should be all one word in the last paragraph of the flashback. And you've mentioned the monster that "attack" her. It should be "attacked".

I really like the way you indicate how her whole life is changed by this one encounter. Your description of it is short, but even in those few lines, the impact it has had on her life is obvious.

And I like how she doesn't go into detail at the end. The short four words she says are probably more impacting than more detail would be.

I really like the language you use in this story and the creepy images that precede her attack. Great story.

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Review #52, by MargaretLaneTo Fear A Full Moon: Chapter 1

21st February 2015:
OK, I'm FINALLY getting around to reading this.

That part about disappearing into a dark cave reminds me a little of the lepers from the Bible, which is actually a comparison that sort of fits.

I'm getting the distinct impression John is a werewolf.

I like the way a difference has been created between the American and British laws on lycanthropy. It would be interesting to see more about American magical society and why things developed so differently.

*cheers for John's boss refusing to divulge his assignments*

Uh, oh, I get the feeling she is going to break in and probably get attacked. *wonders if he uses Wolfsbane and if not, how come he doesn't* Maybe it's not available in the U.S. Or maybe he just thought he was safe in that house. There does seem to be very little protection though, if a simply unlocking charm was enough to let her in. I guess it didn't occur to him that anybody would bother following him.

One thing I'd say is that the part where she comes face to face with the werewolf seems a little rushed. Somehow I don't really feel the horror she does.

Wow, she's lucky to be alive, if she were just lying there alone and received no medical treatment. I'm shocked John just walked out, leaving a note, rather than calling a Healer to get her medical treatment. I guess he was traumatised, but still!

I love the detail about how she couldn't feel clean no matter how much she washed.

LOVE the misconceptions about lycanthropy. They compare closely to the misconceptions which exist about certain medical conditions in our world, so I'm not at all surprised they would exist.

And I love the way she speaks directly to the reader in the third last paragraph. It makes it sound like a speech or an article being written to increase awareness. You can almost hear her saying it.

I doubt she'd use the term "socialised medicine" though. I know she's lived in America, but only for a relatively short period of time and presumably not among Muggles and it is a term I really associate with American political propaganda. I don't think she'd even feel the need to mention that most medical care is free, as, in my experience, British people take free healthcare as the norm. I think she'd probably say something like, "unlike most medical treatments, the Wolfsbane potion is not covered by our healthcare system."

Great story. I particularly like the style you write in.

Author's Response: Hey there MargaretLane,

Thank you for leaving such a detailed review. I really like the way you seem to write notes as you are reading.

The comparison to the lepers in the bible is actually quite fitting. I hadn't really thought of it in that light, but it's a neat perspective.

I definitely wanted the laws to be different between the US and the UK because they are in the real world. In reality, the UK is normally more progressive than most of the US, but in the HP world there were so many prejudices that I thought the US might actually be a bit ahead on specific subjects.

Unfortunately, John does not use the Wolfsbane potion because the American healthcare system is for profit, causing long term treatment of diseases to be insanely expensive, but that's another story for another day.

Pansy is lucky to be alive indeed! I think that John left her quietly for two reasons. One I don't think he could stand the guilt of facing her so he wanted to leave before she woke up. Two...a violent attack like that would be reason for the police to get involved.

I'm thrilled that you picked up on the small details of her scrubbing her skin, but not feeling clean. It's things like that that make me really feel how badly she is damaged by the whole event.

I'm glad that you liked the writing style and the way Pansy addressed the audience directly. It was originally written as an article for The Daily Prophet, but due to the site rules I had to modify it, so I hoped it would read like her telling the story to someone herself.

You are absolutely correct on the term "socialized medicine". Since I'm from the US and have never been to England, I didn't really give it much thought, but now that you've pointed it out I can see exactly what you're saying.

Thank you again for taking the time to read and review, as well as for hosting this challenge. I really enjoyed it!


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Review #53, by MargaretLaneAlbus Potter and the Pureblood's Secret: The Accident

18th February 2015:
Oooh, the title of this chapter sounds ominous and the fact they are playing Quidditch in dire conditions doesn't exactly reassure me. I feel somebody playing might have an accident due to the averse weather conditions.

Uh oh, I really hope James won't have an accident. That probably wouldn't impress the scouts.

Wow, that's really decent of James. I can see why it'd be dangerous to let Grace ride the Nimbus, but it was good of him to be the one to switch, when he REALLY needs to perform at his best. Pity the scouts couldn't get to hear of that - at least I don't see how they could. It shows real team spirit, which is surely what any team needs - people who play for the team, rather than trying to look good at the expense of their teammates.

Yi-i-ikes. Permanent damage. I did NOT expect that. And it is so unfair. Quidditch meant so much to James; it isn't fair all his dreams should be destroyed just in a moment's bad luck.

And I had to google those temperatures. YIKES. I don't know how people live through those. We had about 5 degrees Fahrenheit back in 2010 (coldest since something like 1601, apparently) and I NEVER want to experience that again. It's cold here, but like in the 30s/low 40s Fahrenheit cold.

Author's Response: James is very gallant, and a wonderful captain. He wouldn't have let Grace fly in that weather on that broom. But, unfortunately, that decision ruined his possible Quidditch career.

I always knew James wouldn't play professionally, but wasn't sure how I'd do it until partway through the 5th novel. It's awful, but it adds so much to the plot.

It's crazy cold! I try not to go outside for longer than it takes to walk to my car. 30s and 40s would be warm! It actually did get up to 36 the other day and it felt so nice! Thanks for reading and reviewing! :)

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Review #54, by MargaretLaneAlbus Potter and Slytherin's Curse: Hogwarts Food

10th February 2015:
Like the detail about Ginny trying to cook food Lily will eat, so Albus doesn't get to try many different things.

Rose seems like her mother. I could easily imagine Hermione becoming a vegetarian. And I can see Albus and Rose having some of the same disagreements as Hermione did with Ron in particular.

Yikes, bet that girl regretted asking about Nick being NEARLY headless.

I like the way you show Albus's anxiety increasing when he's away from Rose. It makes sense that he would feel nervous now he is really separated from all his family. And the comment about him being shy around people he doesn't know tells us a little more about his character.

*laughs at Albus worrying that Salazar Slytherin could be a relative* Poor Al.

And that detail about Rose researching things too deeply gives us a bit of insight into the type of person she is too. She really DOES sound like her mum.

I like the comment about Hayden's father being reluctant to send him to Hogwarts. I think most Muggles would have a bit of a problem with sending their 11 year old to a boarding school they've never even heard of, from which they can't even come home at weekends, to learn subjects they know nothing about and which would be of little benefit to any career they've ever heard of.

Aw, poor Albus, he's already being haunted by the family name.

*laughs at them eating Lucky Charms* I was surprised to hear they still exist. I thought they were just one of these experimental things that were quickly discontinued.

In Harry's letter, you've written "boys can be about loud". I assume it was meant to be "a bit." And I like the indication that Albus hasn't had many male friends and that he's not as loud as boys are stereotyped as being. I guess he's used to hanging out with Rose, and maybe Lily.

Hmm, I wonder why Rose is blushing. Is there something in her letter she doesn't want to divulge?

Hmm, Hayden seems a bit oblivious. Maybe it's just because he's nervous and unsure of how things work in the magical world, but as Albus was thinking, you'd expect him to be used to that kind of teasing. And Joe said worse to HIM, calling him an idiot, and he didn't seem to take much notice of THAT. *ponders* I've a feeling there could be something more to his background. Maybe his father is a Dursley typed person or something.

I'm rather interested by this Transfiguration teacher. Not sure why - maybe because you introduce her right at the end of a chapter and don't even give her name, which makes me think you might be holding something in reverse for the next chapter. Maybe it's references like to her beaming, which gives an immediate indication of her character and the fact she's Head of Ravenclaw. Or maybe I just have Transfiguration teachers on my mind, considering what is happening in my own story.

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Review #55, by MargaretLaneAlbus Potter and the Pureblood's Secret: Difficult, Dangerous, and Disappointing

10th February 2015:
Hmm, this is an interesting title, though the summary makes it sound like it's just Apparition and not like a dangerous adventure.

My immediate thought when you mentioned the teacher looking about the same age as Albus's parents is that she could be a canon character - one of his classmates. OR with the whole thing about her looking like the Weasleys, it's possible she's some distant relative. After all, Draco DID say ALL the Weasleys have big families; that implies there are plenty more of them around, although it's possible a lot were killed during the first war. Though I'm not sure having red hair is reason enough to consider her a Weasley.

OK, I laughed out loud at Enna Callahan's name, since Leonore and I are writing a collab about the Irish Ministry and one of the characters is a Neil Callaghan (the "g" is silent, by the way), who works for St. Mungo's Research Centre. He's the nicest character in our story; your characters will be lucky if she's half as nice.

*laughs* Kaden was disappointed when Slughorn left and now he's disappointed about Burke.

That IS interesting. I wonder why the Potions teachers were all male. Maybe brewing is sort of stereotyped as a male profession in the wizarding world. And trust Rose to be aware of the fact. I love it when fics include little details like that. It gives the world of the story a history and makes it feel more real.

And yeah, I wouldn't include Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff, because they weren't specifically employed as Potions teachers by the sound of things.

That's actually a smart idea for a first class. It'll give her an indication of what level the class is at, what kind of things they've covered, which students are good at the subject and which are struggling and what sort of potions interest them. And it gives her a chance to go around and observe, as she doesn't have to be concentrating on teaching, which would give her an idea both of the students' ability and of who might be likely to cause trouble.

And wow, teaching them not just to learn off the instructions in the book, so they will be able to answer the questions in the exam and brew the potions they have to in their practical exam, but to actually understand the ingredients, so they can create new potions themselves... That makes a lot of sense, as obviously the wizarding world needs people who can develop new potions, not just people who can brew the existing ones. AND it should help them with the potions they have to be able to brew in the exam, because it would be easier to learn the recipes if they actually understand which potions are likely to be a part of them.

She seems kind of cool.

*laughs* John can TAKE the test, but he probably wouldn't pass it. Not without any classes. It does sound easier than a driving test, as a lot of the students seem to pass it the first time, after only a few weeks of classes, but still not something you could pass without any classes at all.

*laughs at sixth year being meant to be a bit of a break year* I guess that makes sense, because the O.W.L.S. seem to be pretty important. Here 5th year is a good deal harder than 3rd year, but our Junior Cert. is nowhere near as significant as the O.W.L.S. or the G.C.S.E.S. 4th year is optional and really IS a break year - technically schools aren't supposed to teach any exam related information that year, especially as only about 40% of the country chooses to do it.

And I think Matt needs the free time. He must have a fair amount of catching up to do between the full moons and his panic attacks and anyway, it surely couldn't be good for his anxiety to be working until 2am.

Hmm, it sounds like Johnson suspects a connection between Dawlish and Albus, but for some reason he isn't acting on it. Not sure if that indicates he has something to hide or if he just has no proof they are doing anything behind his back. Or maybe he doesn't even suspect anything; maybe he just thinks Dawlish a maverick and doesn't want him criticising Johnson to Albus. Or MAYBE he thinks Dawlish suspects him of something and he doesn't want him passing it on.

It's hard to figure it out for sure as there is so much we don't know, and Albus doesn't know, about what's going on in the Auror Department.

Thanks for letting us know when next week's update will be.

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Review #56, by MargaretLaneNoise: Noise

8th February 2015:
Yikes, that introductory paragraph is STARK. Poor Neville. I can understand why he'd feel guilty, although of course, logically he has no reason to. He has less reason than most, really, as he stood up to the Carrows and played a vital part in Voldemort's defeat.

I like the detail about his grandmother's movements. It sort of gives an impression of her shock.

I didn't get the shouting for a moment, then I remembered - I think you've mentioned something in your next gen. series about werewolves having enhanced senses.

And yikes, that makes sense about Wolfsbane not being available. In the immediate aftermath of the war, things are going to be a little up in the air. Actually, talking of 1998 and things being disrupted by war, I heard some college grants in Northern Ireland were delayed the following Autumn, because of the Omagh bombing.

I was WONDERING where you were going with the boggart thing. I can well imagine he'd be freaked out by the memory of how much Remus dreaded the full moon.

I literally shivered at that part about your mind being the last thing to go during a werewolf transformation.

I was delighted when I saw you entered the challenge, because I love your version of lycanthropy in your next gen. series.

You really love denying your characters Wolfsbane, don't you? Though admittedly, it makes a lot of sense here. Poor Neville. I now want to read more about what happens to him after this and how he deals with it all. Lycanthropy on top of war trauma and survivor's guilt can't be good.

Author's Response: I'm fascinated by the survivor's guilt that I'm sure most of the survivors felt after the war. I knew I wouldn't be able to explore it fully in this, but I wanted to at least touch on it. He did play a vital role in Voldemort's defeat, but I'm sure he still felt guilty. I can only imagine the immense guilt Harry felt.

Poor Augusta. I felt very sorry for her as I wrote this. She's been taking care of Neville and his parents for years and now this.

The shouting was because of the acute hearing had by werewolves. That's why I focused this around noise.

With the Wolfsbane shortage I thought about war rationing during both world wars in the United States. I imagine a similar thing happened in the wizarding world. And brewers were probably in high demand by Voldemort, especially good ones.

Neville's boggart scenes is one of my favorite scenes in the books, so I wanted to include it. It fit in quite well there, I think. And I had to bring up Remus, since he was the only werewolf Neville ever knew.

I was very excited when you posted the challenge! I can never resist a good werewolf challenge. I'm glad you like my version of lycanthropy!

Haha, I do. There's so much more angst when wolfsbane isn't around. It would be interesting to explore this further, but I'm going to leave it a one-shot. Thanks for reading and reviewing! :)

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Review #57, by MargaretLaneAlbus Potter and Slytherin's Curse: The Sorting

6th February 2015:
Before I even start reading this, I want to say I am in awe of the level of work you have put into this story. While I certainly still occasionally edit parts of "The Writing on the Wall" and older stories and will occasionally add in a sentence or so to fit with something from "The Rise of the A.W.L.," I've never done anything like the amount of rewriting you appear to have done to this.

I like the way you describe his sorting as feeling unexpected, even though he's known it was coming. Somehow when it came to life-changing events, I often find it hard to believe they're really here. The first exam of my Leaving Cert. (our equivalent of N.E.W.T.S), I was busy laughing at something in the comprehension, then reminded myself this is my LEAVING CERT., the exam that single-handedly decides what college course I get into; I really should be taking it more seriously. And my last day in primary school, I was one of the few girls in my class not crying, because I couldn't quite get it into my head that it WAS the last day. I'd cried plenty at our school Mass a few weeks earlier, but while I was aware I wouldn't be there the following YEAR for the next school Mass, I couldn't quite convince myself of my last day.

*grins* If Albus thinks McGonagall is old, he should have met his namesake. I think McGonagall'd be in her 80s at this point, whereas Dumbledore must have been over 100.

I like your reference to friendships between Gryffindor and Slytherin students. It shows how things have changed since the war.

I like your description of Hufflepuff. Funny and friendly seems to fit them well and the "often late" part is amusing.

There should be a small "c" on "cried McGonagall" because it's part of the same sentence as what she says. "Cried McGonagall" isn't a sentence on its own.

Albus seems to contradict himself somewhat when talking about the house he wants to be in. Firstly he says if he doesn't get into Gryffindor, it wouldn't be so good, which makes it sound as if being sorted into Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw would disappoint him too, then he says he'd like to be "anywhere but Slytherin."

Wow, you've given us an insight into Scorpius's character in a few words. He's one of the characters who varies greatly from one fanfic to another and straight away, I have the impression this isn't going to be a positive portrayal, unless of course, you are trying to show Albus's biases, but I don't think so. I think he is going to be snobby in this.

*laughs at how Albus insists he WOULDN'T do well in Slytherin* I don't know why, but that makes him sound so convincingly 11 years old. I think 11 year olds can be difficult to write, as they're not really children anymore, but they're not teenagers yet either, and fictional 11 year olds, even in published books, often sound either much too young or much too old. But there's something about his thought processes there that sounds really age-appropriate.

Hmm, I'm intrigued by the character of Molly Reddish. I've a feeling she's going to be significant, given the attention you've give her here.

I was wondering if Rose would be with him. I can understand why he'd want her to be. It wouldn't be nice to be among strangers. Even kids in ordinary schools like to have a friend in their class and they are really only with their class in lessons. They can spend break and lunch with friends from other classes, visit their houses after school, phone or text them in the evenings... Of course, Hogwarts students can hang out with people from other houses too, but it must be harder when they can't even GET into each others' common rooms. They'd have to hang out in the main building.

I thought Harry was the first first year to make the team in 100 years? Something like that?

And I don't think McGonagall would use a term so kind of "teen slangy" as "newbies". I actually don't think many teachers would refer to their first year students as "newbies" and McGonagall is a pretty formal person. I think she'd say something like "and for our first year students..."

Oooh, I wonder what danger McGonagall is anticipating. This sounds ominous.

I think your writing has improved a good deal since the first chapter of yours I read. The level of detail and pacing has improved and I think your descriptions are clearer.

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! That really was a coincidence - I'd just finished reading and reviewing your story, when I noticed that you'd reviewed mine! It really was a nice surprise.

All the mistakes in Albus Potter and the Sapphire of Slytherin have been bugging me for some time now. Simply editing the story just wouldn't work. For example, when I first wrote this, James was in the same year as Albus - BIG mistake! When I say that I'm re writing it, I very much doubt that the plot will be exactly the same. I'm hoping that things will be a lot clearer and more well written.

Yes, sometimes it DOES take a while to catch up and realise what is actually going on. Sometimes I feel that the event pounces on you. Funny that you say that you were one of the only girls in your primary school who didn't cry on the last day - I was too! It was almost as if the idea had not yet sunk in!

Albus thinks McGonagall is old - I don't think that he has met anyone of that age. (Unless Arthur Weasley ... I must check on that).

There are few friendships between the Gryffindors and Slytherins, but more than there was before the war. Yes, it is rare, but things are a lot calmer than they were before the war. Less trouble. Or so they think . *grins*

Funnily enough, that Sorting Hat song didn't take me too long to write. Yes, I know it isn't the greatest song, but maybe that was because I wrote it in about ten minutes. I may go back and tweak it a little. I couldn't think of another trait for Hufflepuff that fitted in, but I knew that they were carefree so I put 'often late'. I'm glad you liked it.

I've edited that mistake of misusing a capital letter. Thanks for pointing it out. You can probably tell that mistakes really annoy me, hence the re write.

Albus does sort of contradict himself, yes. It is supposed to show how desperate he has got about not wanting to be in Slytherin. He doesn't paticularly want to be sorted into Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff, but he'd prefer it to Slytherin.

I'm glad that you liked that. Eleven year olds CAN be hard to write. I've noticed that in books with little words and pictures on every page, the eleven year olds seem younger, whereas in thicker books, they are portrayed as a lot older than they actually are.

Yes, I'm sure that Albus was pleased to have Rose sorted into Gryffindor too. It must be horribly lonely by yourself in such a big school. It's harder to make friends in your own. It would be much easier with Rose by his side.

That was a mistake, again. Harry was the first first year to make the team in one hundred years. James wasn't. I've changed it.

I was a little hesitant about writing 'newbies'. I debated on writing 'newcomers', so I have changed it to that.

Thank you. That has really made my day. I'm so glad that I have improved.

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Review #58, by MargaretLaneAlbus Potter and the Pureblood's Secret: The New Year

3rd February 2015:
Yikes, the fact Dawlish can get access to Matt's information so easily IS scary. OK, he's a unique case and most people probably wouldn't get the information he would, but still if he can find out, it's not impossible somebody else would. And that's even assuming Dawlish is completely trustworthy. The fact he turns up here makes it seem unlikely he's actually a villain, but that's not to say he can be trusted to keep something completely silent. I can't see why he'd WANT to pass this on, but he could easily let something slip or tell somebody he doesn't think matters.

OK, I'm now a little suspicious of Dawlish again. After all, Albus LIVES with Harry. Surely if Dawlish believed Albus might have information he couldn't give them and it was holiday time, the obvious thing to do with be to get Harry to ask him, if they are really working together. Now, of course, it MAY be just that he wasn't talking to Harry; certainly he wouldn't want to be be seen to be in contact with him. But I don't know.

I think I am predisposed to be suspicious of Dawlish for two reasons: firstly because he and Balldanis seem to be filling a very similar role and I wonder if you've reasons for needing both of them and secondly, because Dawlish didn't exactly cover himself with glory in the books. And while he was PROBABLY working for the Death Eaters through lack of choice - after all, Arthur Weasley and the Hogwarts teachers were all technically working for the Death Eaters too - we don't know that for CERTAIN. It is POSSIBLE that like some of the Death Eaters in the first war, he supported them voluntarily or for some form of benefit and managed to convince people he hadn't had any choice.

At one point you have Rose saying "This only the first of many," when she's talking about how there are plenty more Weasley cousins to marry. I presume it should be "this is only the first of many."

I'm glad Al is OK. It must have been a scary experience, but as Matt points out, it's not the same as having to leave classes because of regular panic attacks or waking with nightmares on a regular basis.

That comment about Teddy supervising reminds me of a scene from an Irish soap, where a character persuaded her parents to let her 23 year old sister supervise her 18th birthday party. It...didn't end so well.

I actually laughed out loud when James said even he wasn't that stupid.

It's probably because it came right after the mention of the Ministry party, but the reference to calling out for pizza made me think of an interview with our last President's twin son and daughter, where I think her son said the most annoying thing about your mum being President is nobody ever believes you when you ring up for a pizza.

I think there's a full moon tonight actually.

Yikes, the idea of somebody being in the house is scary.

Ah yes, the seizures WERE weird. I should have twigged there was something strange going on there, but we didn't find out about his ALS until a while after they were introduced, so it didn't even occur to me. It probably wouldn't have anyway.

When Amy says Matt doesn't take Potions any more, I'd be inclined to capitalise Potions. I read it as he didn't take medicinal potions first and had to reread to get the correct meaning.

And I AM looking forward to seeing who takes over the Potions classes. Maybe Slughorn will return temporarily (*grins for reasons of my own*) Or maybe the new teacher will be relevant in some way.

This story is going to be a crazy length. I'm currently working on the 42nd chapter of a story, but it's really heading towards the end - the villain has been caught out and I doubt there'll be more than about 4 more chapters. And that is by FAR the longest thing I've ever written. I can't believe this is already 30 chapters long. It feels like it's only getting started. Not that I WANT it to end anytime soon. The longer the better, especially since there's only more year to go after it.

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Review #59, by MargaretLaneAlbus Potter and the New Threat: Friends, Enemies, and A Strange Boy with No Name

31st January 2015:
What was the girl shouting at Albus to stop in the first paragraph? I've read it twice, but I'm a little confused.

I love the character of Lynn. I'm already getting an impression of the sort of person she is, even though she was only introduced a few lines ago. And it's good that Al has a friend to start Hogwarts. with. A lot of stories seem to have him and Rose as best friends, so it's interesting to see him with a best friend who's an OC.

I'm guessing the third person in the compartment is Rose. Reading sounds like her. And the next line confirms that.

OK, Lynn seems to have aggression issues of some kind. Beating a kid up for entering their compartment is WAY over the top. I can see her ending up in SERIOUS trouble once she starts Hogwarts, if she's going to start fights over such ridiculous things.

Albus thinks James is likely to bully kids. Uh oh. I wonder what Harry has to say about that. Having been bullied so terribly himself as a kid, I reckon he'd be pretty horrified to raise a kid who was a bully. But maybe Albus is overreacting.

Hmm, that kid running is a bit of a mystery, all right.

*laughs* Albus's attitude about the houses seems to have changed. I guess Harry got through to him.

Ah, I'm guessing the mystery blond kid is Scorpius. That'd explain why he doesn't want to say his name. And I'm guessing the other house he wants to be in is Slytherin. Since Rose and Lynn were giving out about it, it'd make sense he wouldn't want to admit to wanting to be in that one and it'd make sense Scorpius would want to be there.

I wonder what's causing the animosity between him and Rose.

Author's Response: To MargaretLane,

I see what you mean when you said you were confused. I'll make that more clear when I edit it.

I'm glad that you like Lynn. She's my favorite OC to work with so far. I, myself, have to confess that Muggle music from the '60s and '70s are some of my favorites, especially the Beatles :).

Lynn will get into fights; that's a no-brainer. The whole shenanigan on the train was just to show readers that she can be suspicious of strangers, especially those who stand in a compartment and snap at someone who was just trying to be helpful.

Yes, Albus is overreacting. But I wouldn't put it past James to harmlessly prank other students from time to time.

Albus's response to 'the question' was one of masking his insecurities. He's still scared about what house he'll be in.

You're right; the mystery boy is Scorpious Malfoy. You were partially right about why he didn't say Slytherin. That will be revealed later.

Rose automatically knows that the boy is Scorpious because of what he looks like. Ron would've told her in advance what he looked like so she would know who NOT to be friends with. And in contrast, Scorpious knows that all Weasleys have red hair and are not to be trusted. This is why they hate each other already.

Thank you for the comments. Please stay tuned for the next chapter.

Yours truly,

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Review #60, by MargaretLaneRainbow: Healing

31st January 2015:
The awesome chapter!

*laughs at celebrations ending only when people realise they need to sleep EVENTUALLY*

Dads and finding stuff to eat. *rolls eyes*

Good to see Hermione getting back to herself a little. She deserves a chance to relax. They ALL do really.

Aw, I can't help feeling sorry for both Hugo and Hermione here.

Yeah, a street in a foreign country isn't exactly the BEST place to lose your temper and fall out with your family.

And this holiday is going REALLY well, isn't it? I feel so sorry for the family, Hugo and Hermione in particular. Rose too, but her problems aren't really in such focus in the first part of this chapter, even if really, they are probably about the most serious. And she does seem somewhat happier than Hugo or Hermione here.

And fair play to Neil for noticing that Hugo is just being awkward when he says he didn't "see" the match. Neil isn't easily manipulated. *huggles him*

*laughs at the comment about him not being fazed by Hugo's tone* Somehow I wouldn't have expected he WOULD be.

Hugo's reaction is WAY out of proportion to what happens, but I guess it's understandable, as not only are Neil's questions upsetting Rose; they're also probably a reminder for Hugo and his parents of how far from recovery she still is, even though she is DEFINITELY making progress. And Hugo hadn't been having a very good day anyway.

It's his reaction to his temper that is freakier than anything else. Losing your temper is one thing and it's not like h was in control of his magic, but where most people would probably be terrified by the harm they were doing or could do, he seems to enjoy that thought. It has elements of Tom Riddle's comment about how he can make people hurt and shows a somewhat darker side to Hugo than we've previously seen.

Oooh, I love Neil's explanation of how it is more dangerous for Hugo's magic to get loose than it would be for a younger child's. And the fact he's at a Muggle school makes it really scary. What if he lost his temper with one of his classmates and had a similar reaction? Especially with Rhiannon on crutches and all his classmates blind.

Actually, it's sort of funny both of our chapters have people telling our main characters how they need to control their tempers.

I also like his comment that Hugo should have a certain fear of magic. I think it is worrying when people DON'T see things that can harm people as dangerous. If you don't think of them that way, you're more likely to take risks.

*laughs* That part about how he needed to upset Rose reminds me of my chapter for our Callaghan story and how I needed him to upset a certain person so he could see she needed help.

Aw, I feel so sorry for Neil when we see his reaction to how he hurt Hugo. The way you've written can really feel his horror at what he's done, to the point it's almost uncomfortable to read.

The "morbid fascination" in his voice sort of made me shiver. You really show his horror well.

I love the way he continually makes it clear that it is Hugo's decision what he does with his body and the way he recognises Hugo might not want people examining his eyes, just for academic purposes. And even the way he replies seriously to Hugo's joke about his eyes. He's not at all uncomfortable with Hugo's blindness.

Of course, the lack of sleep probably played into Hugo's overreaction too.

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Review #61, by MargaretLaneAlbus Potter and the Chosen Four: The Escape

29th January 2015:
Hmm, something significant is obviously going on to have Harry called into work like that. Going by the title and what we already know from the first chapter, I'm going to guess it's to do with the escape of that Dementor King. Maybe they have reason to believe he's in the UK or maybe the Aurors worldwide are being briefed.

*laughs* The "Teddy stealing toast" scene you mentioned before. I was WONDERING why Ginny'd be annoyed at him stealing toast, when it's so easily replaced. I hadn't expected him to say he was too lazy to even make TOAST. *laughs at her demonstration of how easy it is*

Like the way you reveal where Teddy works. I was wondering.

SomeTHING escaped. Sounds like the Dementor King all right. If it were one of the prisoners in Azkaban, he'd probably say someONE. And Art points that out then.

Lily seems a bit like Rose, being so anxious to enter the bookshop. It's fun to get the bit of insight into the characters of people like Hugo, Lily and Teddy.

*laughs* Yeah, with only one school in wizarding Britain, it would probably be fairly easy to find the right books. Here, there are various textbooks for each subject, and different schools use different ones, but some bookshops have a counter where parents can just give the assistant the booklist and they get them for them.

Hmm, Rose is starting to wonder if David is hiding something. I REALLY wonder what is going on with him. I get the impression we're going to get more information in this book.

You've written that he might "OF" just them in the crowd, when it should be "might have" or "might've."

OK, those hints sound like whatever David is hiding has to do with his family. Some of it sounds like he doesn't get on with them, although you'd think that'd make it MORE likely he'd want to go to the World Cup with Al, not less, unless they wouldn't let him. My current suspicion is that they are Dark Wizards or something and he hurried away from the others at the station so they wouldn't meet his parents, or so his PARENTS wouldn't meet them. And he doesn't write because he doesn't want his parents to know who his friends are.

*laughs* Al REALLY doesn't like secrets. He's got his father's curiousity.

Hmm, seems like Lily is even more fond of books than Rose is, and Rose seemed the type to love books. I think I like Lily. Hope we get to see more of her in the 3rd story when she starts Hogwarts.

Ginny and George are STILL teasing each other. *laughs*

Really good chapter.

Author's Response: Yeah, being too lazy to make toast is pretty sad. And he could make it using magic, so it's even easier than pouring a bowl of cereal! I'm not surprised that Ginny got annoyed.

I think Lily liked the bookshop last year at the Diagon Alley trip too! She is a bit Rose-ish in that way, though I don't think Lily likes textbooks.

Yes, it should be "might have", thank you for the correction! When I was younger I got into the habit of saying "might of" instead of "might have", since it sounds the same when spoken fast. It took me several years for me to find out that it was wrong, and by then it had already transferred into my writing. I will go back and correct that!

I like Lily too. I modeled her off of a young me in some ways.

Thanks for the review!

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Review #62, by MargaretLaneWe Are One: All is fair

27th January 2015:
I'm kinda stumped as to who the villain is here. And actually, I'm going to wait until I've finished reading to add any more to this, because if I keep scrolling up and down, I'll see more than I want to.

Yikes! I wasn't entirely surprised by Marietta, but I sort of had it the wrong way around. When she started saying she didn't kill them and wouldn't add any more, I assumed SHE was the pawn and that she was helping the real killer in some way. It didn't occur to me that SHE was the real killer, but that somebody else had actually done the deed.

I was wondering about the whole "traitor" thing. A lot of the victims betrayed people in one way or another. As did Marietta herself, so it makes sense that she would see that as a way to atone for what she'd done.

And it certainly never occurred to me that she might be in love with Harry, but it makes sense as a motive. It DEFINITELY fits with the comments about him throughout the story and with the victims chosen.

There are a couple of sentences that I think might sound more natural if you broke them up and didn't include a mention that the person was speaking. Yeah, that sounds confusing. I'll give an example. Like instead of, "'Yeah,' said Ron, draining his coffee," it might sound better to write. "'Yeah.' Ron drained his coffee." Or "'Do you understand?' Ron used the loudest, roughest tone of voice possible."

I really like the alliteration in Raine Renaultís Robes for the Rich.

I think the revelation to this mystery works well. It's not so obvious that I was expecting it, but nor is is so obscure that it seemed to come from left-field. It had me intrigued without feeling like it was impossible to figure out.

The part about Harry being the intimidating presence amused me.

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Review #63, by MargaretLaneAlbus Potter and the Pureblood's Secret: The Wedding

27th January 2015:
*laughs at Albus not telling his parents he went to a club because they might be angry at Teddy and James* The first time I went to a club I was technically underage, but I was like four months shy of 18 - it was the Saturday after I finished my Leaving Cert. (our equivalent of N.E.W.T.S). My parents knew. Mind you, they also knew, I didn't drink.

LOVE the wedding favours.

And I like the comment about how Stanley might never marry. Nice to see a bit of possible variety from the "grow up, marry, have babies" thing.

*laughs* Lily is lucky she doesn't have Fred and George as older brothers. They were going on that Ginny was "going through boyfriends rather quickly", when she dated like three guys in her entire life and had only dated TWO at that point.

I was wondering what the cut off age for the hen and stag parties were going to be, since there are cousins virtually ever age from adult down to what...9 or 10? So somebody was bound to be left out when cousins a year or two older were allowed go.

Are they getting married on Christmas day? I missed that.

Yeah, that would be pretty awkward all right, if Teddy and Victoire broke up. They wouldn't really have the option of avoiding one another afterwards.

I like the way Harry has a word with Teddy alone. I guess he's sort of in the role of "father of the groom" in a way, since Teddy doesn't have a father of his own, so it's nice that they have a moment together.

LOVE the way Aunt Muriel comments on Albus's name. She seems really in character already. Even though she only had a small part in the books, she has a very distinctive character. And I would LOVE to see her with the great grandmother who hates the English! I was once planning a one-shot about Seamus, in which his Muggle grandmother had relatives involved in the fight for independence and was giving out about him being sent to an English school and refused to acknowledge there was a difference between English and Scottish. I never got around to it though, partly because I was concerned about readers taking the character's view as the writer's, when I am Irish myself.

Wedding days! At my friend's wedding last summer, we were up nearly 24 hours. We'd to get up around 6 to get ready and didn't get to bed until about 5:30 the next morning. I wonder if this'll be as long.

Yeah, I can imagine it must be annoying to be treated like a kid when you're almost an adult, but I can also understand why his parents and Amy would do it. It must be a difficult situation.

The failure of the Occlumency surprised me. I guess I've got used to assuming Hermione is all-knowledgeable and of course, nobody is.

Staying with Albus New Year's Eve sounds like a good compromise - means he's not alone, but also that nobody is giving up their fun for him, which would be bound to make him feel guilty.

OK, the last part has me intrigued. The fact Dawlish is here makes me trust him a little more. If he were lying about working with Harry and Hermione, he'd hardly risk showing up somewhere they were. On the other hand, this is odd behaviour. I am looking forward to the next chapter.

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Review #64, by MargaretLaneActions Speak Louder than Words: Bound by Fate: Scorpius POV

25th January 2015:
Aw, poor Rose. She's bound to be nervous.

"She grinned," should have a capital "s" and there should be a full stop before it, because it's a separate sentence to what she said.

Same with "even her words were lighter." There should be a full stop before it and "even" should have a capital "e".

I'm glad she's not dreading telling her family. I think Harry at least will be pleased for her. Ron might take a bit longer to come around and Hermione might be worried about how it'll affect her studies.

Oh, I wonder what this meeting is about. Probably something to do with the prophecy or Stannous, as they've said Rose and Scorpius will have to know.

I'm actually laughing at Ron asking how this could have happened before he's even proposed. Ron is rather overprotective, isn't he? *laughs at his comment that they're too young to be doing...things*

I really LOVE Scorpius's comment that "as long as she'll let me." It shows real respect for her and an acknowledgement that her needs are her decision. His appreciation of Harry's asking Rose if she is OK with hearing it now supports that too.

And that is SO in character for Hermione - to want to research everything and be absolutely sure before she gave any indication of what was on her mind.

*laughs at the rumours of her running to be Minster for Magic* I've made reference to similar rumours in The Rise of the A.W.L. and again she isn't commenting, mainly because I can't decide whether she will or not.

Yeah, not at all surprised Scorpius is the father. Must be some relief to everybody to know that. Although of course, the advantage is only a slight one as Stannous doesn't know that, but as she is already pregnant, there is a chance he might figure it out when the child is born. I wonder how he will react then. Just leaving it doesn't really seem his style.

And I can't believe this story is already thirty chapters long. It doesn't seem like I've read that much.

Author's Response: Hiya!

I've fixed both of those errors - thanks for pointing them out!

Haha - great thought about Harry and Ron - and the meeting - you're figuring out my story!

Ron is completely clueless when it comes to women - and really doesn't know how to respond to his daughter growing up. Now he's faced with it head on!

I'm glad you noticed that little part about Scorpius. He's got the utmost respect for Rose and his first priority is making sure she's safe and comfortable.

Haha - yes! Hermione loves to look things up in books. I think most people agree that she would consider running for minister of magic at some point :)

I know the reveal that Scorpius is the father isn't a surprise for most readers - but Scorpius (and Rose) were both a bit surprised.

Thanks again! I know! I can't believe it is 30 chapters either!

♥ Beth

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Review #65, by MargaretLaneActions Speak Louder than Words: Bound by Hope: Rose POV

25th January 2015:
OK, I've got a little behind on this story. You've been updating rather quickly lately.

I like the detail on what is and is not OK to do when pregnant. It makes complete sense that avoiding Apparition would be advised, because of the danger of splinching.

And I've now started wondering if the child will be a boy or a girl.

Looking forward to seeing their conversation with Harry.

Author's Response: Haha - I had this whole set of chapters ready to go for a while. It only took a few run throughs of editing to get them fine tuned. I have to fix a few things in the next round of chapters, but I do plan to update fairly regularly.

Thanks so much for leaving a review!

&hearts' Beth

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Review #66, by MargaretLaneThe Worst: Settling

23rd January 2015:
Really like your description at the beginning of the chapter. And I like the insight into how Dominique is feeling even better. Poor, poor girl. She really does have an ordeal to face, even with the Wolfsbane.

*grins* I reckon she could really do with some company and support after what she's been through.

I'd be inclined to put a comma before, "thanks to you guys," when she talks about her headache having gone.

Uh oh, I thought Dominique just didn't feel ready to agree to marriage, considering how muddled up and stressed she was at the time or that she was afraid Teddy was only asking her to show his support and wouldn't have wanted to marry so soon if things had been normal. This sounds like there's more going on.

Yeah, I can see how this would feel like rather a lot to deal with coming on top of the whole werewolf drama. Poor Dominique.

And you know, I think she's right about the marriage thing. I don't think breaking up is the answer, but I do see that this might not be the best time for her to be making such huge decisions as getting engaged.

OK, the mention of the sugar quill is a little coincidental, just because I have a character who is a werewolf and she really likes sugar quills.

No, I don't remember David Dale. Maybe I'll skim back and see if I can find out. I really wonder what it is he can do for her. I hope it's something good; she deserves a break. I can't help wondering if it's something to do with Teddy, mainly because that's what she's just been thinking of. Maybe he's one of Teddy's friends and is bringing a message from him. Or maybe it's something different altogether.

I'd also put a comma before, "Miss Weasley" at the end of the chapter.

This may be personal preference or just different head canons as regards lycanthropy, as I know I sometimes find it difficult to disentangle canon on the matter from my own version and also some of the versions I've read, but it did strike me that after the initial transformation, the whole thing seemed a bit easy. There were a few references to her having a headache and so on, but somehow I didn't really get the feeling of her not feeling well. I don't know WHY that was; you mentioned it a few times, so it might just be by comparison with some other versions which portray the effects of lycanthropy as somewhat worse than you do. I don't know. It just felt a bit rushed or something.

Overall, good chapter. I've been waiting to see how she deals with the transformation.

Author's Response: Hello! I'm so happy to see you here for another chapter. You're one of the readers who've stuck by every chapter of this story with every update, so thank you so much. It really means a lot to me.

I am glad you liked the beginning description and stuff. I based it on some vague research so it's good to know it worked.

I think friends and family are really important at such a point so Julia and Vic had to show up.

Thanks for the little pointer on the comma. It's fixed.

There's definitely more going on than just the whole not feeling ready thing - and Dom finally explains it all to the two people who are closest to her. She obviously wasn't able to explain all this to Teddy.

Haha I just felt like after all the stress Dom's been through (both werewolf and non-werewolf related), something sweet like sugar quills would help her xD

Hmm I presumed not a lot of people will remember him. He will definitely be explained in the next chapter. I am loving the speculations though!

Thanks again for the comma pointer, it's fixed!

As for the whole thing seeming a bit easy, I was a little afraid of that. I felt like I should have probably emphasised on the aftermath a bit more - so I guess I'll do that when I get the time and edit. Thanks for the honest opinion!

Thank you so much once again!

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Review #67, by MargaretLaneAlbus Potter and the Pureblood's Secret: Stag Party

19th January 2015:
*laughs at Albus's reaction to Teddy and Victoire getting married* I guess it's understandable, but Teddy is what? About nine years older than him?

*laughs* I'm sure Ginny and Harry'd believe that Teddy and James are just going for a steak and a few pints. For a stag night!

*sympathises with Mark and Albus*

Oh dear, I wonder why Al is having panic attacks. Poor boy. Maybe he just has a "thing" about crowds.

This is probably about the shortest review I'll ever give you, but I haven't much to say about this chapter. I hope Al is OK and it was just a one-off and not the first indication he's suffering from some form of anxiety disorder or something.

Author's Response: Yeah, Teddy's quite a bit older. 8 years in this fic. Haha, Ginny and Harry did not believe James, but they're choosing to pretend they did.

Al is fine. He just doesn't like clubs. But since he's Al, he's going to worry about it until he talks to Rose and Matt.

I think it is the shortest review! This chapter didn't push the plot along much, but I have to lay the groundwork for my fics that take place after this series by doing Teddy and Victoire's wedding. Thanks for reading and reviewing! :)

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Review #68, by MargaretLaneThe Color of Revenge: wood and snow

18th January 2015:
I like the way you make the details of Red Riding Hood fit with canon, like making her sister ill, rather than her granny.

I also like the detail about the hat wanting to put her in Gryffindor. I daresay we'll see the Gryffindor side of her if she is bitten; she'll need courage to deal with the implications of that.

You create suspense really well. As she is walking through the forest, you get the impression of her fear and things like the low hanging branches add to the sense of menace.

I don't really see crying over spilled soup as particular unSlytherinlike, but I guess she is feeling bad about things in general. Poor Astoria.

Oooh, I like the reference to the moon. The reference to its comforting light stands in marked contrast to what it indicates.

I'd be inclined to put a comma before the words "little red," in "then put up a fight, little red," because they're addressing her. Same with "welcome to the club, girlie."

I'm actually somewhat interested in how Voldemort WOULD respond to this. He DOES need support after all and in Deathly Hallows, he indicates he'd prefer not to KILL pure bloods. I think he might discipline Greyback for this. But on the other hand, Greyback is something of a loose canon and Voldemort may prefer to keep him on side. And of course, all that is assuming Voldemort finds out who did it. I wouldn't say he'd be particularly interested in finding out anyway.

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Review #69, by MargaretLaneThe Cat Turned Werewolf: This Can't Be Happening; It Already Happened

16th January 2015:
Major apologies for not reviewing this sooner. I DID read it shortly after you posted in the challenge thread that it was up, but I was tired and couldn't get my thoughts together to review and then because I'd already read it, I kept leaving getting back to it. Sorry.

The first thing that AMAZES me is how naturally you've made each line start with a different letter of the alphabet. There are only one or two occasions, usually when you are starting with a letter that isn't too commonly used in the English language, that I even noticed what you were doing or that the sentences sounded in any way less than natural. The story must have taken SO much crafting.

I was wondering what xenophobia had to do with anything, until somebody pointed out she was using the wrong word.

I find it interesting that Padma is hiding what she has become and I guess it makes sense, considering the prejudice against werewolves which exists in the wizarding world.

I did think she was being rather irresponsible, until I got to the point where she prepared to transfigure the chains, so as to ensure she couldn't hurt anybody.

Yikes, that part about her not having enough Wolfsbane is worrying.

I like the way Snape and Madame Pomfrey are aware of what happened - I think Madame Pomfrey would be bound to know the difference between a werewolf bite and an ordinary wolf bite - but didn't push the issue as she was so unwilling to talk about it. I do think they should have brought it up sooner, but I guess with everything going on at Hogwarts, it's hardly surprising the date of the full moon passed them by. Stopping the Carrows from torturing students and worrying about the number of people being abducted or killed probably occupied their minds a bit. And of course, Snape had the mission from Dumbledore and the need to keep up his act in front of his fellow members of staff to contend with as well.

I love the line about how the pain never seemed to end, until it did.

I also like the way she feels powerful, but does not like that feeling. It gives us an insight into the type of person she is, which is good, as we don't know that much about her from the books.

VERY nit-picky, but I'd be inclined to write, "it wasn't a change she liked," rather than "it wasn't a change Padma liked." Using her name twice in such quick succession seems a bit awkward and since she's the only person there, it isn't necessary.

And I like the way an uncommon word is used in the Ravenclaw common room to describe the political situation.

Poor Padma. I'm now intrigued as to how this affected her life afterwards and how she came to terms with it, or didn't.

Author's Response: Wow, one of your beautifully long reviews again! Normally we'd respond to each aspect, but seeing as I (Georgina) am half-conscious, we will touch on only a few things.

We'll fix that mistake, thanks for pointing it out. I like to hear that you (a Ravenclaw) were not offended by our use of a stereotypical big word to be used in the 'smart people' common room. And thank you for your compliments on the alphabetized part of the challenge, it was something we had trouble perfecting. To be honest, we're curious how the others used the letter X.

We may write some more on Padma in the future, we'll see.

Thank you for the review! It was lovely!

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Review #70, by MargaretLaneActions Speak Louder than Words: Bound by Honor: Rose and Scorpius POV

15th January 2015:
Hmm, I'm wondering about this part about Rose fainting. I assumed it was just the shock of the whole thing, combined with the not eating properly, but perhaps there's more to it.

And it really makes sense that Scorpius would react with nothing but happiness, despite the unexpectedness and the possible difficulties of raising a child while you're still studying (although I've no doubt the Weasleys would all pitch in and babysit or help pay for a childminder or whatever), as he's lacked a family for so long.

Yeah, between his parents' gold and the huge family she has, there shouldn't be too much problem either with one of them putting off their study for a year or two or getting somebody to care for the child while they studied. It's not like they'll lack for support.

Aw, I guess it makes sense, growing up in a family of war heroes, that she would see not being a fighter as a bad thing. The wizarding world seems to place a lot of value on fighting and physical courage anyway, or maybe that's just because we see the books from a Gryffindor point of view.

It's bound to be tough for Scorpius not having his family there at his wedding or the birth of his baby.

And hey, you know, by the next gen, the family isn't all THAT big. On her dad's side, there are 12 cousins and on her Mum's, only her and Hugo. So 12 in all. There are eight of us on my mum's side and I've eight more cousins on my dad's, so 16 in all, and both of my parents are from average sized families. One brother and ten cousins is pretty average, I'd think. Draco's comment about all the Weasleys having big families is kind of odd, actually, as Molly and Arthur are the only couple who seem to do so.

Rose does seem more involved with her cousins than a lot of people would be, though, probably because a lot of them are close in age and they all went to the same school.

I've a feeling there's more to come with Stannous, but exactly where you are going, I'm not sure.

One of the things I'm wondering about is if he'll be defeated (and presumably jailed or killed) before the child is born or if they might have to deal with him doing something like attempting to abduct the child. And I'm also wondering about how this child is going to grow up and what his or her destiny is. Or if they are just going to have powerful magic. Even that'd be a big deal though, as it's something they'll need to learn to control.

Author's Response: Hi there!

Oof - this response is so long overdue and I'm so sorry because the review was really spectacular :)

I feel like you know my characters so well, and that always makes me smile when I read your comments.

You're completely spot-on about Rose and Scorpius - she thinks she's weak because she doesn't have her wits about her in a fighting situation - hopefully her family and Scorpius can make her see that she's got a lot to offer in other ways - that are just as important.

And yup - Scorpius is going to be so completely thrilled at the idea of new Malfoys running around. I think Rose gets an inkling of the loneliness that he feels, but even to her, it's difficult to comprehend. I liken him to Harry in a lot of ways - family is everything, especially when you have to earn it.

I'm sure those two will work out a way to care for their little one. You're right - the Weasleys will all pitch in. I just wanted to portray the weight of such a life changing event as it unfolded before Rose's eyes.

I guess it really isn't that big of a family, but I'd always seen the Weasleys as an abnormally large family in terms of the Wizarding world. Most of the other characters in the books only had one (or none) siblings mentioned.

Definitely more to come with Stannous - and I like that you aren't sure where it's going... haha

Ooo - well now THAT'S an idea... :D

Thanks again!

♥ Beth

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Review #71, by MargaretLaneRabbit Heart: Beating Hearts

15th January 2015:
Apologies for the delay in getting around to reading this.

I had to laugh at his reference to his title. He appears to have a sense of humour about it.

OK, I'm now getting a bit creeped out by Nate. I assumed it was just a coincidence his uncle was a vampire too, but like Wren says, it IS rather a coincidence and Nate comment about her "not being ready yet" and seeing things as they do sounds like he might be hinting at something more than just "I didn't think she'd be prejudiced against him.

You've no paragraph break after her comment about another vampire trying to take over the school.

I don't think he necessarily IS trying to take over the school actually. Whether he's a good guy or a villain has yet to be determined, but either way, I suspect it's a little more complicated than his just trying to take over the school. Maybe he's the other guy helping Smeed solve it. That seems probable actually.

Hmm, I wonder why Nate's mother didn't want him at Hogwarts and what that part about the flu refers to. There seems to be more going on here than we know of.

I can't help feeling sorry for Dillon. I get the impression he is likely to be killed or something like that and he is just a kid.

It would probably be better to put Nate grabbing Wren's arm on the same line as his previous dialogue. I got a little confused and had to reread because I was beginning to wonder which of them had said the previous line.

Oh gosh, what are they planning to do to Rose? Turn her into a vampire maybe? I hope Albus and Scorpius are able to stop them.

Oh gosh, is it McGonagall he's hoping to entrall at the end? He'll have quite a job doing that.

I sort of thought things were improving and coming to a point where things were going to be solved, but the ending sounds kind of ominous and as if it's not over yet.

This story is always intriguing. It never gets obvious where it's going.

Author's Response: Hi! You're back!

Nate's uncle has a bit of a sense of humor about his situation, that's true. I think it gets him through the long nights.

I generally wanted to give Nate a little more life, but I think I might have gone overboard with it a bit. It's hard to drop hints if you're not going to go back and fill in the gaps later. Anyway, the bit with his mother was supposed to give him more color. It shows that she's overprotective and that she trusts a vampire to take care of him.

The story isn't quite over yet. After this, I have five more chapters. Then I'm going out for ice cream. Maybe pie.

Hey, I'm glad the story keeps you guessing, but I hope that's in a good way, and not in a wow-I'm-really-confused-what-is-this-author-doing way. :)

Thanks for another lovely review, and as always, thanks for continuing on with my story!

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Review #72, by MargaretLaneAlbus Potter and the Pureblood's Secret: The Cave

13th January 2015:
Hmm, the title of this chapter is a little unexpected. It's a bit of a change from the previous ones, but I guess now that the trial is over, we are going to move on to something slightly different. I expect it'll all turn out to be connected, but the focus can't really be on Boone so much any more. It'll probably move to getting some information about the real killer.

Rose has said "they'll drag Hugo and I along" and "you can keep Matt and I company." Somehow Rose doesn't seem the kind of person to make a mistake like saying "drag I" instead of "drag me" or "keep I company" rather than "keep me company."

Ugh, Vernon AND Aunt Marge. That sounds like a nightmare of a Christmas. Poor Kaden and Bethany.

Yeah, I can only imagine Molly's reaction if any of her grandkids missed Christmas at the Burrow to remain at school.

Hmm, I'm not at all sure Matt's doing too well. Obviously, he's not going to recover immediately, but the fact he's not telling anybody about why he's leaving class and stuff makes me think he's struggling more than he's letting on. Poor boy.

I've no doubt Elsie's non-appearance has something to do with whatever she was lying about at the trial, but that doesn't really help me. It could go either way. If she's being forced into lying against her will, then she might feel guilty about her part in getting an innocent man sent down and be unable to face Albus, possibly guessing what he would think about her doing that. On the other hand, if her whole personality IS a fake and she is lying for reasons of her own, then she may have been watching Albus for some reason in the lead-up to the trial and now that it's over, she may have no reason to continue doing so. And either way, she may be afraid he'll try and force something out of her. This is more likely if she really is as nervous and shy as she appears, but even if she is a willing participant, she may still feel it best to avoid being around somebody who may ask difficult questions. So it doesn't get me very far.

The way Felix constantly watches over her grants credence to her being forced into doing something, but her behaviour when she didn't realise she was being overheard WAS weird. In real life, I would assume it was just a stress reaction or that she was getting fed up with being forced into doing something she didn't want to. But in fiction, I tend to feel it's got to mean something more. Although the latter option IS a possibility, as it could be a hint that she is about to change allegiances. I doubt it's just being in a bad mood, because I doubt you'd bother showing us the scene unless it meant something more than that.

And now Albus has suggested some of the options. If she IS being forced into it, Felix DEFINITELY wouldn't want her talking to anybody, particularly somebody like Albus and if she's not, she may be being careful about who she speaks to.

I've a feeling Elsie is the pureblood the title refers to.

Yeah, I suspect John and Kaden would be easier to lose than Rose, Amanda or Matt, because they wouldn't particularly care. Matt would want somebody with him because of his anxiety and Rose and Amanda would get suspicious, whereas John and Kaden don't take things so seriously and would probably just think the idea of following people amusing even if they did know he planned to do it.

Hmm, I'm now beginning to suspect Elsie isn't quite as quiet and shy as she makes out. One time getting irritated could be pressure or beginning to realise what she was being made do, but twice when she thinks she's not being watched makes it seem like she's different whenever she and Felix are alone. And the way he is saying he doesn't see the point in it makes it seem her decision.

But this doesn't entirely fit with him collecting her from her classes. I mean, I'm sure it does when you know the truth, but I can't see a connection. That REALLY made it seem like he didn't trust her, whereas here he seems to be doing as she says unquestioningly, indicating he does. There's clearly a LOT that I'm missing.

Ah! This is beginning to fit together. It seems like somebody related to Felix and Elsie is involved in the murder and both want to help him, but have different ideas about how to do so.

And Albus knows where the murderer might hide, but of course, telling people is of limited advantage, since hiding in a cave isn't a crime.

Actually, THAT begs the question of why this person has fled abroad and why they need to hide. They're not being suspected, by the looks of things, so what danger are they in? There's obviously more going on than just the murders.

And I wonder why they want to come back so badly they're willing to live in a CAVE.

I wouldn't go to Dawlish. I still don't 100% trust him, although this makes it seem more likely he's innocent. I think Albus should tell Harry when he goes home for Christmas. If Harry and Dawlish ARE working together, Harry can pass it on to him and if they're not, better Harry has the information. Plus, it would just be safer and easier to give the information to somebody he lives with, as Johnston would be less likely to overhear.

Ah, and he comes to that conclusion himself.

And even once he returns, there is no evidence that we can see of to link him with the murders and the Ministry aren't going to want to investigate as proving their own theory wrong would make them look bad.

The only advantage Albus, Boone and the others have is if this guy is hiding, there must be some REASON for that. It indicates he was suspected of SOMETHING or why run and if he is arrested for whatever he's suspected of, then more might come out.

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Review #73, by MargaretLaneRainbow: A Raging Storm

12th January 2015:
Yeah, I think it could be kind of scary, or at least confusing, for Rose to be out in the cold and the wet in crowds of people and cheering.

I'd like to see more of Molly and Lucy. I bet you could find all kinds of issues to give them, with Percy's guilt from betraying his family and everything.

Twice in two hours?! Yikes, that's a low level of scoring. Especially considering the Keepers each have to guard three hoops, but I guess it's an indication of how good the Keepers are that not much gets past on either side.

*laughs at the transfiguring a Chaser into a polecat* I agree with Hugo; that's kinda ridiculous. I guess the real world equivalent would be having a player abducted in the middle of a match or something.

You've written that the Irish avenge every foul by "fouling them New Zealand back." I'm guessing it should be "them fouling New Zealand back."

*laughs at Hugo falling asleep* I don't blame him, though how he can sleep through a match, with all the noise and artificial lighting and rain, I have no idea.

It's hard to imagine how Rose COULD keep up at Hogwarts, if she's struggling to remember even basic stuff, not to mind trying to study for the end of year exams.

If she DOES recover enough to return, I wonder what'll happen. She'll probably miss at least a year in total, more like a year and a half, considering how much of first year she missed. I guess maybe she'll start second year when Hugo starts first. Isn't she only turning 12 now? So she'd be just thirteen starting second year, if she went back the following year. That wouldn't make her much older than her classmates. Only a week older than the oldest she should be for that year. That'd be OK.

If Ireland has any tourist attractions left? *laughs* We've an unlimited amount.

Now I get to get my own back! You have the Irish Minister saying her family "were sat." That's a really English construction. We'd say "were sitting" or just "my family sat". Also, not sure if this is an Irish thing or not, but "one's the manager" would sound better than "one's manager."

I had to laugh at Hugo's comment about the spirit of the game involving trying to knock people off their brooms.

And the part about whether the New Zealanders have to watch reminds me of the two Presidential candidates who didn't turn up for the winner's victory speech and stuff. I guessed one of the two immediately once I heard of it.

Author's Response: Told you I couldn't be bothered to edit! Thanks for doing it for me. ;) And yep, you got your own back there. Fair's fair. *hugs*

Yeah, it's a low level of scoring. Not so much an indication of the Keepers' skill as the foul weather conditions and the vicious play! Neither team can remain in possession long enough to get near the hoops, and even when they do the wind tends to catch the Quaffle and make it miss the hoops. And fighting against the elements, Chasers can't help but give away which hoop they're aiming for because they've got enough on their hands without trying to bluff.

Yeah, who on Earth would decide to transfigure a Chaser into a POLECAT? If they're going to commit fouls, why not just reverse the charms on their broom or confund them? Wizards, eh...

Artificial lighting makes SO much difference to Hugo... ;) Yeah, it's impressive that he can fall asleep with the noise and rain but he's a bored and sleepy 10-year-old and manages it somehow!

Yeah, there's no way Rose could manage at Hogwarts. Well, I know what'll happen in terms of her going back. *smiles innocently*

Yeah, I love it when Hugo comes out with stuff like that!

OK, I've satisfied my need to write Quidditch commentary so it's back to torturing characters for the rest of the story! *cackles*

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Review #74, by MargaretLaneAll or Nothing: there is a light that never goes out

10th January 2015:
Wow, LOVE your imagery in the first paragraph. I am HOPELESS at imagery, so I always admire it when people can do it well.

And you characterise the various characters in such little ways, like their referring to their parents as "Mother" and "Father" rather than "Mum" and "Dad" and their various reactions to the beetle.

I think it is totally in character for Bellatrix to see her sisters as weak, particularly Narcissa. Narcissa's main concerns appear to be her husband and son, which aren't priorities I can imagine Bellatrix thinking too highly of.

And I'm now wondering who the "you" is.

I like the way Bellatrix includes the other character's pureblood ancestry as one of the reasons she is attracted. That sounds like her.

And the blood red shoes interest me. They show something of an eccentric side to this character, possibly a rebellious one. I wonder how Hogwarts would feel about red shoes. It doesn't seem to have any rules about shoe colour, but I think a lot of schools might frown upon red. I know some schools have rules like black or brown shoes only. They also link her a little with the witches from the Wizard of Oz. Did you intend that?

I like the mention of the Knights of Walpurgis.

I also like the way Bellatrix says she wants to be a Dark LORD. Somehow "lady" has connotations of delicacy that I don't think she'd be too impressed by.

I am a little surprised by some of the pureblood conventions mentioned here. I can see that she would be expected to marry and have children, as the purebloods would surely want their name to live on, which makes it odd that a lot of the pureblood families seem to have only one or two children and that Draco sneers at the Weasleys for having a large family actually. But I wouldn't have expected them to have such a convention of the woman being the one to stay home and raise the children, when women have been educated alongside men for 1,000 years and have been in important positions back to at least the 18th century, longer when you think of people like the founders.

I like her dismissal of her husband and the way she basically just uses him to ensure her position in society. While she is rebellious, she is also the sort of person who would want to bolster her position in society and if marrying would do that, well, I can definitely see her marrying somebody she can dominate.

Oooh, that part about her getting a thrill from casting Unforgiveables sent a shiver down my spine. But it doesn't surprise me. I'd be surprised if she DIDN'T enjoy it.

And OH, I didn't expect it to end like that, but it makes perfect sense that Bellatrix would be disgusted if somebody she loved tried to escape Azkaban by lying about having been forced into obeying Voldemort.

Her craziness in Azkaban is CREEPY, in a good way. It seems totally like her.

And the last paragraph has me wondering. Have you written about this other character. If not, I would like to read a story from her point of view, about what she actually WAS doing and how she reacts when Voldemort returns. Does she return to him? I guess so or he would have commented on her absence.

Really good story. And very original.

Author's Response: gah, thank you so much about the first paragraph imagery!

I'm glad you thought their reactions to the beetle and their names for their parents contributed to the characterisation. Exactly right about Narcissa - they have such different aims in life and I imagined that Bellatrix would just look on that as weakness.

It seemed unrealistic for Bellatrix to be interested in anyone of 'lesser' blood status. And yeah, the red shoes were definitely meant to show her rebellious nature - I'm sure they'd be frowned upon. Ahaha, totally wasn't thinking of the Wizard of Oz when I wrote about red shoes, but that's an interesting connection!

I like what you pointed out about why Bellatrix insists on being a Dark Lord - you're right, she would definitely have seen "lady" as being a weaker title.

Valid point about the expectations for pureblood women as well. I think the conventions aren't quite as stringent as she makes them out to be, as her perspective provides kind of a warped view. Given the wizarding world's history and Founders and such, I'd imagine there is some extra pressure for women in raising children, but it's more equal than Bellatrix implies - but as she doesn't want children and sees them as weak and whiny, she would see it this way. (if that makes sense, haha. maybe I'll have a look at that again and try to make it clearer)

Exactly, I think her marriage was more of a step up in society than anything else. In the books there was never any indication that they liked each other that well.

ooh, I'm glad you appreciated that creepy bit about the Unforgivable curses. As for the end, yeah Bellatrix never had much appreciation for Lucius Malfoy escaping Azkaban, so I felt like that resentment would be tenfold if it was someone she loved who tried the same tricks to avoid going to Azkaban.

Thank you, I'm so glad the creepy, insane Azkaban vibe came off well :D

I haven't written about this other character before, but that is such a great idea for a story! I did like ending this on a mysterious note but I'm kind of tempted to write about her now hahah.

So glad to hear you liked the story! Thank you for this thoughtful review, I appreciated it SO much! ♥

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Review #75, by MargaretLaneInvisible in Death: Ghostly Day

9th January 2015:
Ugh, I don't like the sound of Myrtle's mother. No matter how she feels about magic, her love for her daughter should transcend that.

I like the hint that she was intelligent. I never really thought of her that way, but after all, she was a Ravenclaw. You're making me see her in a whole new way, as something more than a whiny teenager.

Poor, poor Myrtle. That'd be embarrassing enough for an adult woman, let alone a young teenager.

And Olive was SO mean, just to make it worse.

Aw, she's so busy worrying about it being somebody trying to make fun of her that she doesn't really take the danger of it being somebody trying to kill her seriously.

And OH, this WAS just Olive playing a joke on her. I assumed it was Riddle, luring her out so he could kill her. You surprised me.

And I can well imagine the Hogwarts bullies picking on Hagrid too, between his large size, his lack of proficiency at magic and his rural accent, I can easily see him being a target for kids like Olive. Poor Hagrid and Myrtle.

I wonder if Tom Riddle is the prefect.

Hmm, you've managed to give an insight into Professor Merrythought's character even though Merrythought barely appears in the story.

Poor Myrtle. The way she feels people hate everything about her is so sad.

And then the attack came so unexpectedly. I really didn't expect it at that moment.

And it makes sense that she'd suspect Olive Hornby as so much of the other horrible things that happen to her were arranged by Olive.

You've written that Hagrid might have helped Olive "pull of" the murder. I presume you mean "pull off."

And she still sees Hagrid as being involved rather than a fellow victim. It shows how badly the whole thing upset her that she's unable to even think about it clearly.

*laughs at Hagrid wanting to go out on a full moon because of werewolves* That is SO like him.

Yeah, I can definitely imagine she'd become a figure of interest once she died and once they see her, they'll probably want to talk to her, but only for a short time, probably. Once they realise she can't tell them anything about her murder and stuff, they'll probably lose interest in her again.

Actually, it's no surprise she's as depressed as she is in the books considering all that.

I wonder who Helena appeared to. Rowena maybe.

Yikes, it's actually kind of sad that hatred is the closest emotional connection she has to anybody.

And the part about the afterlife giving her her revenge is kinda creepy.

Author's Response: I first wanted to apologize for taking a while getting ack to you after you replied so fast to my review. I had a huge backlog and then needed to be at my computer to reply to your wonderful review.

When I decomposed Myrtle and tried to understand how she became such an annoying, constantly negative figure, I realized she didn't have any support system. I was torn between having her parents be dead or just not loving and I went with not loving.

Myrtle was in Ravenclaw so I like to think she was at least bright. Perhaps not a genius but I'm glad she seemed intilligent.

I was kind of hating on my period when I wrote this so it felt appropriate for Myrtle to also have a miserable period. Olive is the worst when it comes to pointing that out. I would think that any decent person would try to be compassionate.

I'm glad that the fake date seemed like a trap to kill her. I think of most teenagers as a bit oblivious to the fact that something dangerous could happen to them. She knows there's been attacks but really, it couldn't happen to *her*. Hagrid seemed like a huge target (haha) for bullying as he's so different from his peers.

Tom was the prefect! I didn't want to make a huge deal about it because that would be too heavy-handed but I wanted him to make a cameo.

It's really exciting that her attack wasn't expected there. I wanted it to be somewhat of a surprise (apart from everyone reading this knows it'll happen).

The way Myrtle fixated on Olive was a thing I wanted to make seem justified in this story. I mean, she haunted her for quite a few years without relenting. It did bother me while i was writing this that Hagrid was so easily blamed. I have to think they asked Myrtle about him and she wouldn't have anything nice to say about him with her suspicions.

I was very annoyed at the idea that they probably didn't question her much as her death doesn't lead to Hagrid being guilty (there are so many points in her story about seeing Riddle and the Basilisk that would have exhonorated Hagrid that I was sure she wasn't asked about it for some time, if at all).

I have a whole story I'm planning about helena appearing as a ghost (it lines up wtih a Helena story I wrote last year).

Her attachment to Olive made me sad as well. I was going for scary (and started to sympathize wtih Olive a bit at the end) so I made her haunting as creepy as I could

thank you so much for a fantastic review!!


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