Reading Reviews From Member: MargaretLane
1,041 Reviews Found

Review #51, by MargaretLaneTyranny: Prologue: A New Dark Lord

29th March 2016:
This sounds like a really interesting premise. I've seen Voldemort wins stories, but never one in which Bellatrix ruled. In some ways, I think it would be worse than Voldemort, since she is so insane. He was pretty irrational at times, but there were also points, like the Battle of Hogwarts where he was willing to show leniency if he thought it beneficial. I doubt she would have given the Hogwarts staff the opportunity of handing Harry over. Or given Snape a second chance either, for that matter.

You've written "the body of both Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort." Since they don't share a body, I'm assuming it should be "bodies".

There is something cold about the way she ensures Harry is dead, which seems right for Bellatrix.

And *grins* I was thinking she wouldn't compromise and then she orders the decimation of the "blood traitors" at Hogwarts.

Love your characterisation of Lucius. He comes across as something of a contrast to Bellatrix here - far less fanatical. I think his reaction is very much in character and we seem to be seeing the beginning of a power play between him and Bellatrix. My immediate question when I saw that Bellatrix was about to take charge was what part Lucius would play - whether this would be after his defection or if she would have to gain control despite him. I doubt he'll take too kindly to playing second fiddle to her.

OK, her method of ensuring he doesn't challenge her wasn't one I expected, although I guess I should have.

That last comment to Narcissa is really an indication of her brutality - that she would be willing to kill her nephew in order to punish her sister. She clearly has no loyalty to anybody except Voldemort, which was already indicated in canon.

This is a really interesting story so far and I am really looking forward to seeing what happens and finding out if she can be defeated.

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Review #52, by MargaretLaneDetermination: The First Day

29th March 2016:
Actually, it's just occurred to me this story isn't a bad one to be reading just after the Easter commemorations, as women did play a part in 1916 - Countess Markievicz was one of the leaders - and the Proclamation of the Irish Republic addressed men and women equally and is apparently unusual for its time in doing so. Countess Markievicz would become Minister for Labour in the illegal Dáil a few years later, but it would be many decades before another woman repeated that.

It also seems pretty characteristic of Augusta to achieve something like that and could help to explain why she was so demanding of Neville.

*laughs at her response about not asking her husband*

UGH, that idea that a woman getting a position is likely to have gotten it because of her gender whereas if a profession is 90% male, well, that's not indicative the men got the positions because of their gender at all is so annoying.

Hmm, that last part is interesting. It sounds like there may be more going on here than is already apparent.

Good start to the story.

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Review #53, by MargaretLaneGrave upon Grave: Grave upon Grave

29th March 2016:
I'd have liked to read this yesterday, after I got home from the commemoration ceremonies in Dublin, but it was late and I had to unpack and stuff, so I didn't have much time. It seems sort of appropriate that it was posted on Easter Monday.

The title reminds me of Yeats' poem, "Easter 1916," where he talks about "murmur name upon name."

I really like the introductory paragraphs. The present tense really seems to work for the story somehow.

Yikes, that part about how the narrator is not alive and how they fear they will live is emotive.

And that is an interesting way to use the quote. I had expected it to be used in a positive way, but it really does work as propaganda and in fact, you could easily argue the original was propaganda as Pearse planned for revolution.

"Grandparents" is all one word.

I am now wondering exactly what is going on in the background to this story and how and why the Death Eaters returned. You've intrigued me as to what is going on.

There should be a comma before Lily's name when Lorcan says, "we have to fight, Lily."

I really liked this story. It sort of questions whether the fight is really worth it and whether victory is even possible. And it's hardly surprising Lily wants to give up if all her family have been killed.

Great story.

Author's Response: Squeee.thank you so much. I really struggled to work out what to do with the quote but I was determined not to change it and to get such a lovely review from you has just totally made my day.

I didn't really know what to call this but I had to get it posted and this was about the best I had. It came from the image in my mind of Lily seeing all her families graves lined up side by side.

While I struggled a little with how to use the quote, when the idea formed, it did come quite easily. Working in first person helped with this because I could look at the scene through Lily's eyes and see the things she saw and the small details she was fixated on in her emotional state, like the moss. The line from Lily about 'not being alive' was one of the earliest thoughts I had for her character and everything flowed from here.

I see the quote as propaganda, whether to encourage people to fight or to honour those who fought. Lily can see through it though. She has nothing left and no words from the Ministry will bring back the world she's lost.

Thanks for the corrections. I didn't have time to get a beta (I'm away through April) so I had to rely on my own somewhat suspect self beta skills.

The world I created for Lily is not a happy one. You're right that Lily is wondering if the fight is worth it. She struggles to keep going, falls into a dark abyss, but Lorcan manages to bring her back and encourages her on with the small hope that one day it might end.

Thanks so much for the review and for the challenge. It tested me and took my writing out of it's comfort zone which is what I need.


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Review #54, by MargaretLaneAlbus Potter and the Chosen Four: The First Day (And Night)

21st March 2016:
Oh wow, I totally missed that this was updated. I'm really pleased because, as you know, I'm pretty curious about a fair few things.

Oooh, that part where Albus is beginning to wonder if Slytherins other than Snape fought against Voldemort is kind of interesting. I wonder if you are leading up to something here. Not sure WHAT exactly, but perhaps a Slytherin who fought against Voldemort will be relevant or perhaps Albus will befriend somebody in Slytherin now.

By the way, I think you have a space before the apostrophe in "Snape's" when you are talking about how he contrasts with the stereotype of Slytherin house.

Oooh, this new teacher seems kind of interesting. I wonder if the "satanic grin" means he's going to be a nasty character or if it's a red herring.

I also wonder if he could possibly be some relation of Harry's or something. After all, we don't know anything about James's family.

Poor Flitwick. I really like the way you indicate he's still suffering (although we don't know for sure if it's because of what happened the previous year or if he knows something else that Albus doesn't). I always like it when characters show some reaction to what they have been through.

Hmm, you've now started me wondering about Albus's skill with non-verbal spells. I assumed you just meant it as characterisation - everybody has some skills and some weaknesses after all - and maybe as something that would later help him to defeat or escape from the villains, but now I'm wondering if there is more to it. It DOES appear rather unusual.

Oooh, I really like the reference to how wizards contribute to damage to the environment. That stuff about the war makes sense.

Three friends is fairly average at that age, I'd say. From my own memories of being a young teenager, most people hung around in groups of between 2 and 5. It was really only when we got to about the age of 15 or 16 that people started hanging out with different groups at different times. I guess it might be a bit different at a boarding school, where you are with classmates all day, but I still wouldn't class it as anything unusual. Harry really only had two friends his first four or five years. It wasn't until Order of the Phoenix that he started to befriend Neville, Ginny and Luna.

*grins at the prefect being too tired to bother punishing them* Pretty realistic really.

I'm a bit confused. Albus said Marc was Muggleborn, but then Marc talks about his mother being Muggleborn, indicating he's at least half-blood. If it's still Marc talking then. It's not really clear.

I am really intrigued as to what David is hiding.

Author's Response: Oh goodness, this has been sitting in my unanswered review pile for a year and a half... *cringes* Great to hear from you as always, MargaretLane.

Yeah, the new teacher is interesting. You'll have to wait and see.

Poor Flitwick was under the imperius curse for like a year. (I think? Honestly it's been so long since I wrote the first book that I don't really remember.) It always amazed me how fast Moody recovered after being locked in a trunk for a year. Only a few months later he was helping Harry leave Privet Drive.

That's a good point, I only had like two friends when I was Albus's age as well.

That was Rob talking about his mother being muggleborn, not Marc. I forgot to clarify who is talking in the chapter, sorry! But yeah, Rob is halfblood, and you were right that Marc is established as muggleborn in the books.

Thanks for the review!

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Review #55, by MargaretLaneUnfair: An Accident

21st March 2016:
Poor Scorpius. He really is the obvious target for suspicion when odd things happen, isn't he? Honestly, I think the kid could well have a pretty tough time at Hogwarts, as the Death Eater types would probably see the Malfoys as traitors and virtually everybody else would see them as having managed to trick their way out of punishment for Death Eater involvement not once, but twice now.

Oh, I like your portrayal of Albus and Rose. It's interesting to see them portrayed in something of a negative light.

And good for Madame Bell, realising there is more going on here.

"Professors" should have a small "p" when Scorpius is talking about them hating him as it's mid-sentence and not being used as a title.

LOVE the fact that Neville is one of the few who doesn't treat the trio's kids as something special. Being a friend of theirs and having looked up to them so much in his childhood, it would probably be even harder for him to be strict with their kids (incidentally, I HATE teaching the kids of people I know), but given his own difficulties as a teen/preteen and the inner courage that was gradually revealed, it does make a lot of sense.

I wonder if Harry knows how Albus and Rose are behaving. Given the bullying he underwent at the hands of Dudley and his friends, I'd imagine he'd be horrified to think of his son behaving that way.

I am utterly amazed at how much writing you manage to do.

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Review #56, by MargaretLaneRainbow: House Elves

18th March 2016:
*laughs* My immediate thought was that the whole "master" and "mistress" thing was a little overly servile. I can well imagine Hermione disliking it.

Yikes, stuff like audiobooks and so on not being available at Hogwarts does make his life more difficult. You'd think there'd be some way of enchanting books so they would either "speak" for him or else convert to and from braille.

I can definitely see problems with Kordy acting as a scribe. It's one thing for Hugo's schoolwork, but when it comes to his stories...he wouldn't necessarily want Kordy hearing them before they've been perfected. Or even at all necessarily.

Rose seems to have improved a lot. And that means she might improve even more as more time passes.

Rose wanting to be a rainbow reminds me of that children's story/play where all the colours are arguing about who is most important and then in the end they all join together to form a rainbow.

Hugo as a grumpy old man is sort of...fitting in a way.

This is getting...a little St. Patrick's dayish.

*grins at Kordy's attitude to being free* And I really like the way you filled in the details about what happens to house elves who are released from cruel masters and what they learn as children and so on.

Hugo seems pretty mature as a writer, for his age. I mean, the way he tries to give the master a balanced character rather than making him cruel or completely perfect.

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Review #57, by MargaretLaneRainbow: Communication

27th February 2016:
Finally getting around to reading this. By the time you posted it, I was sort of at "should get back to correcting" time, since yeah, want to get as many as possible done this weekend.

Oh my gosh, this is appropriate. *bounces* News from our polling stations is on in the background. Last I heard, there were 30 seats filled.

As to splitting the vote, Fianna Fáil seem to be regretting worrying too much about that. They only ran one candidate in a lot of constituencies, but they did so much better than expected that it looks as if they COULD have got two through in some of those if they ran them.

Oooh, I never thought of a house elf accompanying Hugo to Hogwarts. That is really interesting. It's sort of like a special needs assistant.

And I think it is interesting that Hermione has clearly modified her attitude about house elves. Which is good. Her attitude at Hogwarts is rather patronising - I know what's best for them. Here, she seems to be trying to work with them to allow them to continue working while getting better conditions. It makes sense because her attitude at Hogwarts was quite typically "teenage."

LOVE the way Hugo points out that "trying won't make Rose better." This "everything works out if you just try hard enough" attitude bothers me. I'm not against encouraging people, but it does kind of imply that if things DON'T work out, you've done something wrong and sometimes things just don't work out and it's nobody's fault.

*laughs at Hugo's question about when they'll be walking between cones in real life*

*also laughs at him being angry with Mr. Huddleson because "he's an idiot"*

It is a really difficult situation. Somebody has to take care of Rose and neither Hermione nor Ron strikes me as really suited to remaining at home all day looking after a disabled child. Neither of them really has the patience and Hermione is too ambitious. She'd end up resenting Rose for holding her career back and Ron...well, I think he'd find it difficult to be as responsible as Rose would need him to be 24/7.

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Review #58, by MargaretLaneFall Apart: I

18th December 2015:
I don't feel I gave you much of a review in our last swap, so I went looking for something else to review to try and make up for that.

Love the first sentence. It really throws us straight into the story and gives us an indication of how George is feeling.

I can DEFINITELY imagine things being pretty confusing for a lot of people in the immediate aftermath of the war. After all, it SHOULD be a time of celebration - wizarding Britain is free, Voldemort is gone, the Muggleborns will be able to resume their rightful place in society and so on - but SO many people have lost relatives or spent the last year being abused or tortured or been injured or traumatised and it's not like you can just say, "OK, we're free now. Doesn't matter that we've been injured/lost people close to us, etc."

The idea that there is no good for George without Fred is so sad, but it does make a lot of sense. Their whole lives were intertwined with each other - raised in the same home, together from the day of their birth, attended school together, worked together, shared a bedroom, a dorm room and then a flat. And it must be so weird for him even to continue inventing spells for the shop when it seems like they always did that together in the past.

LOVE that part about how he can't stand to look in a mirror, because it looks as if Fred is looking back at him. Poor George.

*grins at him reading the message on the mirror backwards* Sounds like something George might do actually. He seems like the sort of person who might be into codes and stuff and might think of trying something like that. Bet he and Fred created a few codes themselves in their time.

Love the way he looks for the things that distinguish them, since there are bound to be some and the books never make it seem that way.

I actually thought he might see himself and Fred standing together when he looked in the mirror.

Oh gosh, that "why didn't you take me with you?" part is both really sad and slightly concerning. And the concerning element is confirmed a little later when he talks about having considered it.

*grins at the part where Fred seems to be thinking the exact same thing*

This is a REALLY minor formatting thing, but there's no line break between this paragraph: "George slowed as soon as the first piece of glass fell to the floor, revealing the black wood that the glass had been against, a darkness he was constantly encased in" and the next.

The last line made me grin. It's just so Fred and George. And I love the fact he can bring it home and have a reminder of Fred forever.

Author's Response: Awww that's fine, I don't mind *hugs*

Oh this story broke my heart writing it, and I felt like such a horrible person for doing it.

I would have been confused about what to do in the aftermath too. I think that they all just felt so lost afterwards.

I hate imagining Fred and George seperated, they've spent their life doing practically everything together and it's heartbreaking to see George just completely lost makes me cry :(

Thank you, I couldn't help but imagine that he would. I know that I would.

*sniff* I think that we just need to hug to get through this pain together. :(

Whoops! Thank you, I shall edit that at some point. :S haha

Thank you so much for the wonderful review!

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Review #59, by MargaretLaneRisk It All: You'll Regret This

16th December 2015:
Hmm, the summary of this story is a little intriguing.

The beginning of this story does a great job of introducing the characters and situation without making it seem contrived. We learn a lot about the characters - that she is a singer and he a Quidditch star and that they are something of a "celebrity couple."

Gosh, that is a pretty appalling thing to do - just send divorce papers without even TELLING her he wanted a divorce. In my country (Ireland), you have to be separated for four years before you can divorce, so this is a scenario that could not happen here.

Yeah, it would cause CHAOS if they cancelled the concert at that point. Fair play to her for going ahead for the fans.

Love her dedicating that song to him.

Author's Response: Thank you :D Yep, they're a celebrity couple, I haven't read many stories like that myself and I wanted to have them both be equals at the beginning of this story. I had only really read stories where it was the Potters that had the fame and I wanted to have a famous OC.

Oh yes, James is about to be in for a whole lot of pain when she gets home, he's so heartless.

There are going to be many more songs dedicated to him in the future :D

Thank you for reading and reviewing! :D

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Review #60, by MargaretLaneTis The Season: All I Want For Christmas

13th December 2015:
Advent Calendar, Day 12 review.

I really ought to read some more of your stuff anyway. It's just that you update so FAST.

Do they drink eggnog in Britain?

I'd say that party could get awkward, considering how many people there are likely to have relatives in Azkaban and the tensions there are likely to be between those who still support Death Eater ideas and those who've realised how dangerous they are.

Should be "parents' mistakes," and not "parent's mistakes," since most of them have two parents.

Poor Draco. I find the question of how he coped after the war intriguing. Considering he was forced to attempt murder, threatened with his own death and that of his parents, spent a year watching people being killed and tortured, saw a close friend die and learnt that the man he'd been raised to idolise was actually a cruel tyrant who was willing to sacrifice Draco himself and his entire family, it seems likely to me that he would be suffering from PTSD or at least some psychological effects of trauma.

LOVE the description of Theodore Nott. He's a character you can do a lot with as we know little about him except that his family were involved with the Death Eaters.

The same is true of Pansy and I REALLY like the way you've made her one of those who has learnt how dangerous the pureblood ideology is, as she's usually stereotyped as a shallow bully.

I also really like the way you've given Daphne and Astoria such different personalities and views.

You've written "the clocks ticking," when it should be "the clock's ticking."

Hmm, Daphne seems to have a lot of control over Astoria. I am now wondering about their parents, as Daphne seems almost in loco parentis over Astoria. Maybe their parents are among those jailed after the war or something. And I now think that would make quite an interesting story - young adult children of Death Eaters trying to cope with the aftermath of their parents' arrests.

And ooh, the dark of Malfoy Manor really indicates how its inhabitants have been affected by the war. And you now have me wondering where Lucius and Narcissa are. Is Lucius in Azkaban, serving out the remainder of the sentence he managed to escape partway through? Or are they just too traumatised to care about celebrating? Intriguing.

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Review #61, by MargaretLaneRainbow: National Concerns

21st November 2015:
Yeah, not sure that either Hermione or Ron is really suited to being a long-term stay at home parent. Thought Hermione doing it out of principle is characteristic.

Shouldn't it be "anymore" rather than "any more" when she talks about how Hugo and Rose aren't babies now?

Love the reference to Mrs. Weasley's long prattle. It just seems so characteristic somehow.

Must be quite a dilemma for wizarding parents - whether to send their children to Muggle schools or not. After the war, I can see parents like the Weasleys (and ESPECIALLY Hermione) worrying about the effects of segregation, but then, at Muggle school, the kids will be sort of caught between two worlds and there will be large parts of their life they'll have to hide from their classmates. No ideal solution.

*laughs at Hugo pointing out that his classmates wouldn't SEE his baby photos*

Oooh and I LOVE the part about how they thought they could predict the future.

That part about taking more photos reminded me of Fidelma's comment about her last Christmas with her mum. Sort of a reminder not to take anything for granted.

Love the soap-type programme.

Beatrice Flint must be young enough to be running for such a position.

The International Confederation sounds a bit like an ideal version of the U.N.

*rolls eyes at the comment about "forced political correctness"* Yeah, forcing equality and respect for others is SUCH a problem.

Harriet Mitchell sounds all right. Henry, I don't really know about.

Poor Hugo. I can understand why he'd be conflicted. Both of his parents having stressful jobs would be problematic, but at the same time, he wants to support his mother.

Author's Response: Yeah, Hermione did it out of principle but having kind of moved on she hates the idea of returning to that for the forseeable future. I don't blame her.

Yeah probably... but I hate "anymore" so...

Yes, Fidelma's photo comment probably put the idea in my head so it popped out when I got to that bit of the chapter.

Yup, well we have to have a bit of variety in this wizarding TV stuff... :P

Changed Beatrice's relationship to Marcus to make the age make more sense. Cheers for pointing that out.

And yes, how terrible, people having to be polite and civil to each other...

I like Harriet too.

And yeah, poor Hugo. I like setting up situations with no clean solution (but then even if there was one, you think I'd take it? :P)

*huggles* Thank you for the review!

~Leo xx

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Review #62, by MargaretLaneAn Inspector Calls: The Starving Artist

20th November 2015:
All the conversions sound confusing. And of course, if this is 2003, Muggles are still adapting to euro and the fact the exchange rate is no longer close enough with sterling.

Tuts about Dean's reference to Muggle football. He could start a good argument over that in Kerry. After all, they are about the best team in the country when it comes to GAELIC Football.

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Review #63, by MargaretLaneAn Inspector Calls: Prologue

19th November 2015:
*laughs at the Ministry pretending Kenmare doesn't exist* An Irish solution and all that!

And surprise, surprise, Irish education more interested in academic achievement than anything practical. Guess this is what you get when a country's freedom was first proclaimed by a bunch of poets and teachers (and teachers continue to be the largest group in its parliament).

Coincidentally, Leonore and I have started a fanfiction about the Irish Ministry and one of the members is called Neil Callaghan. Not the actual Minister of Magic though.

And *grins* Expelling students from Muggle schools in Ireland is...difficult.

Getting into a Muggle college without the Leaving Cert. would be...tricky. Other things are taken into account if you're over 23 when applying, but I'm pretty sure you still need to HAVE the Leaving.

Oooh, the end sounds rather intriguing. Wonder what's going to happen now.

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Review #64, by MargaretLaneDelicate Delacour: Fragile

27th October 2015:
Since the story I reviewed is relatively short, I thought I'd do a second one.

Love the part about her always dressing as if she were meeting the Prime Minister. Actually, this is barely relevant, but the SCENES when our President visited the UK. He traveled by coach and all; it was like a fairytale coach. I REALLY wonder what he made of it. It made their Queen's visit to Ireland look very laid back and that was Ireland at its absolute most formal.

I REALLY like the part about her thriving on other people's jealousy. For a moment, I thought this was going to get kind of cliched - beautiful girl, bullied through jealousy - but her reaction is far from the stereotypical one.

And I LOVE the way war has marked her. I think I probably mentioned before how that's something I have to take care not to overlook, as it's so long since Ireland has been at war - well, the Republic.

And of course Cedric's death must have horrified her. It could so easily have been her.

This is VERY nit-picky, but the "until he's recovered some" sounds a little slangy for such serious news. Something like "until he's had some more time to recover" or "until he begins to recover" would seem to fit the context better.

The last line makes me smile. I LOVE the way Fleur shows her depth of character when Bill is attacked.

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Review #65, by MargaretLaneThe Decision: Chapter 1

27th October 2015:
LOVE the idea of this story. I always feel Peter Pettigrew is judged very harshly, even more harshly than those who joined the Death Eaters because they really thought Muggleborns didn't deserve to live or just took pleasure in hurting people or to advance their own social and political position.

Love the description of the Order of the Phoenix as "an underground group". And I LOVE Bathilda's comment. It sounds so like something I'd imagine her saying.

Yeah, I love a lot already.

It makes absolutely no sense that James or Lily didn't act as Secret Keeper themselves. They put two people - Sirius AND Peter at an unnecessary risk. I know it was just because it had to happen that way for plot reasons and J.K. Rowling may not even have considered that the person could act as Secret Keeper themselves until it came up again later in the series. But it's one of the things that really seems out of place.

I really like the insight you give into his relationships with James, Sirius, Remus and Lily. It's really in character for Lily to stand up for him, like she did for Severus. She seemed to disapprove of James and Sirius's bullying tendencies. Mind you, so did Remus, but he was so grateful to them for not rejecting them that he didn't seem able to SAY that.

It must have taken a lot of courage for him to approach Voldemort like that. Though I guess he was more scared of the alternative, so it was simply a case of choosing the least frightening scenario.

I really like the way you include Voldemort's skill at Legilimency. It's clear Peter doesn't want to hurt anybody. He just doesn't see another way out. What he does is wrong, but it's hard to judge him for it.

The part where Voldemort says he wants to see the baby reminds me of Herod's attempt to trick the three wise men in the Bible. Not sure if you meant that or not, but it really does work.

Not sure he'd call Harry a Mudblood though. I thought that was an insult for Muggleborns and Harry is half-blood.

I really like this story and I think you did a really good job of getting into the head of a character you disliked so much. Not sure I could do that for Scrimgeour or Umbridge.

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Review #66, by MargaretLaneRainbow: An Outsider

26th October 2015:
Hmm, Hugo doesn't like physical contact, has a temper and likes writing. Remind you of anyone?

Used to see a really young deaf girl returning to boarding school when I was at college. Must be so tough. AND on their parents.

That part about Hugo looking forward to leaving home is so sad.

Hugo and sarcasm!

*is amused by the way Callaghan makes a game of finding his room*

Part about not exactly being a career politician reminds me of tbe Seanad where we need a few Callaghans instead of just failed politicians.

I think that breathing thing would REALLY annoy me.

LOVE the idea of there being pianos at Hogwarts. I guess it's hardly surprising.

And I'd say a lot of Draoithe meetings are memorable. Not always for the right reasons.

Those comments about how much he wants to avoid and how he's out of tbe habit of talki g are SAD. Poor Hugo.

Author's Response: Yeah, I've a funny feeling I know someone like that, but I can't think who...

*grins* Sarcasm... remind you of anyone?

Callaghan is just awesome. Everyone and everything needs Callaghans.

And the breathing thing would annoy you because you wouldn't benefit from it. I think I mentioned at the time, for someone like Hugo - who is very tense and sitting kind of hunched and physically closed up - it actually does help a bit. An extreme example - would you encourage someone to breathe slow and steady and tell them they're safe and OK if everything was normal? But if they were having a panic attack, you would, because it might actually help.

I think everything's at Hogwarts if you know where to look.

Draoithe meetings tend to be VERY memorable, yes! Poor Claire...

Love you! *hugs* ♥

~Leo xx

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Review #67, by MargaretLaneSummerbee: Summerbee

26th October 2015:
OK, I had to find out a little more about Summerbee.

Poor Lucy. I'm not quite sure whether Summerbee is going to help her or make things worse. So far they don't seem to be doing a great job of figuring out what's going on in her head, but then we only have it from her point of view and it's possible they understand more than she realises.

It doesn't really sound like Norah expects to get out.

And I LOVE the idea of where you got the name of institute.

Author's Response: I like to think the doctors/nurses understand more than she realizes. She's got teenager brain and teenagers tend to think no one could possibly understand them. ;) That might be an overgeneralization but it certainly described me as a teenager.

Thanks for stopping by and leaving a review!

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Review #68, by MargaretLaneThem: Them

26th October 2015:
Here for the review swap. Oooh, psychopathy. Sounds intriguing.

Hmm, immediate impression: this is set in a psychiatric ward and James is James Potter II.

Well, I'm right about which James it was anyway.

Hmm, I wonder who Nadia's daughter is. It's possible she's the one who sent the note. But that's far from certain.

*works out how old James and Lily are* Harry had Lily 10 years after he left Hogwarts, so he'd have been about 28. That means she's only about 12. She seems very mature for her age, reassuring a brother 3/4 years older than her. And I wonder where Albus is. Maybe he'd just in a different house than them or just happened not to be with them when James read the note.

Poor Ginny. I actually haven't seen many stories where she is badly effected by the war, but she did basically suffer abuse under the Carrows, so it's not really surprising.

Rowle. This begins to make sense. It's a bit of a coincidence actually because my Halloween story from last year included a character called Rowle who might or might not have been a villain.

AH! That explains why Albus isn't part of the discussion above, because the note is in his handwriting. If he DID write it, I wonder why. If not, was somebody imitating his handwriting and why? Hmm.

Albus seems a pretty scary character here. More so than Soleil in a way. I think it is understandable to some degree that she would feel hatred towards the man who killed her father. The way Albus holds his brother's gaze...I don't know. It just seems odd.

Seven seems YOUNG to diagnose a child as a psychopath.

The term "doctor" doesn't seem to be used in the wizarding world, so I would expect the character who diagnoses Soleil to be called a Healer.

Oooh, that part about Albus being nothing like his father is creepy.

Al spent time in Summerbee? Oooh, this gets more and more intriguing.

Oooh, that part about the people actually appearing at the end is creepy.

I really like the ending. And am somewhat intrigued both as to how things go from here and as to what issues Albus has and what drove him to the point of thinking killing his father was an option.

Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much for reviewing as you read. That's actually exactly the kind of feedback I wanted. *squee*

You've mentioned a couple of things that I need to go back and fix. The first is Lily's age. I'm so bad at math, but I was trying to make her 14 in this piece. So that she's old enough to comfort him, but still too naive to be as worried as James. That would make Harry 42? I'll fix that.

Soleil is Thorfinn Rowle's daughter. Thorfinn was one of the Death Eaters that attacked Harry and co. in the Muggle cafe.

When Soleil is seven and the doctor (which I need to switch to Healer--thanks for catching that!) suggests psychopathy, he's not diagnosing her. He's just suggesting it as an option, which is why she's not actually taken to Summerbee until she's almost 12. I imagine they did some major observation/therapy in the meantime and finally came to that conclusion.

I'm glad you're wondering where things go from here. I left the ending open so that you could imagine. Harry Potter may or may not be dead--and that decision is up to you. ;)

Thanks again for reading and pointing out some of those issues. I'm going back in to fix them now.

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Review #69, by MargaretLaneRenegade: 2

30th September 2015:
*laughs* I once referred to a student as "Eoghan eile", "eile" being the Irish word for "other".

This may be a character speech thing, but you've written "he thought it would be good for Mark and I" when it should be "Mark and me."

I was wondering if one of the Weasleys was autistic when Dominique said that. I like the reference to a French cousin though. Sometimes it seems like none of the Weasleys interact with anybody on the other sides of their families. I'm probably somewhat guilty of that in my stories, to be honest.

Dominique seems pretty cool here. It's always interesting to see how characters like her that we know NOTHING about are portrayed.

Like the detail about her asking him to stay with her because of the chaos.

*grins* I was sort of expecting Ravenclaw*

Good chapter. I like these characters.

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Review #70, by MargaretLaneFire Extinguisher: Fire Extinguisher

29th September 2015:
Love the comments about how he should have better things to do when people are dying, though I guess if it's going on for a while, he can't worry about it all the time.

Oh, you've said about "did the Potter have a muscular milkman?" I wonder if it should be "the Potters."

*grins at them debating if they're too middle class to call each other "mate"*

*laughs at the only responsible adult in the school being drunk* Drunken, irresponsible teachers DO seem pretty common at Hogwarts though.

Actually, I DO sort of care about Alfred the Great. When I was a kid, he used often be referenced in comics and stuff and THEY NEVER EXPLAINED. So I always kinda wondered about him.

Author's Response: Yeah, even in-story the whole 'mundane life in the face of crisis' was part of the intentional theme. When something is constant, you cannot focus on it all the time without going kind of mad. BUT I felt I had to contrast Scorpius' perpetual whimsy with HEY SCORP PEOPLE ARE DYING HERE COULD YOU FOCUS.

Dang typos.

Every time I worried about Lockett being an unbelievable teacher (though I did refer to her having been brought in at a bit short notice), I remembered how many terrible teachers were hired in canon.

Alfred the Great was a dude. Repelled the Viking invasion of the Kingdom of Wessex, clawed back most of England, and changed the face of infrastructure and government for his people. Alas for limited sources on such a period to learn more. But I love to imagine that such an era would have been rife in Muggle/Wizard crossover.

Thanks for reviewing!

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Review #71, by MargaretLanefound wanting: iv.

16th September 2015:
Wow, they mark QUICKLY. I guess there are only 40ish wizarding kids taking the N.E.W.T.S., as opposed to the tens of thousands doing the Leaving. The Leaving results come out mid-August here, two months after the exams end and the Junior Cert. results (our sort of equivalent to the O.W.L.S.) only came out last week, three months after the exams end.

The Graduation Masses here take place even before the exams, never mind the results, which makes the title kinda silly.

The rules about entering different houses seem to have relaxed since Harry's day. I can't imagine anybody getting permission to enter another house in canon.

Yeah, Joe is nasty.

And I LOVE the way the magic enchanting Hogwarts is attuned to how somebody identifies themselves rather than how they were assigned a birth. It makes sense that it would really.

Pity the Governors aren't so enlightened.

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Review #72, by MargaretLanefound wanting: iii.

16th September 2015:
Wouldn't Teddy be about two years older than Victoire? He was definitely born before there was even any indication Fleur was pregnant with Victoire. Although I guess one of them could be bringing the other as a guest.

George and Angelina must have gotten together and had a child quickly in order for Fred to be 17 in 2016. Though I guess they could have been dating before the Battle of Hogwarts and Harry might just not have known. He probably wouldn't, really.

Gosh, no WONDER they are a little anxious about the reunion if one of their close friends has since died.

Interesting that they use e-mail, but I guess it makes sense. After all, it's SO central to life now than Muggleborns and probably even half-bloods would start Hogwarts familiar with it and while electronics don't work at Hogwarts, they probably would in an ordinary wizarding home that didn't have the same level of magic in the air.

Oooh, wonder how they betrayed Mae.

Like the fact Holly is an Auror. Male Aurors or Auror trainees seem to vastly outnumber female ones in next gens, for some reason.

And I wonder why Holly changed so much. It sounds like maybe she had a rough time after leaving school.

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Review #73, by MargaretLanefound wanting: ii.

16th September 2015:
Liberty...another unusual name. Actually, though this is a complete aside, the IRISH word for freedom is a reasonable common name. Saoirse.

I wonder why her parents are so anxious for her to go to her school reunion. After all, there's nothing wrong with moving on and making friends with people you've more in common with rather than those who just happen to have been born within 12 months of you once you leave school. There's no reason she should ever go to a reunion unless she particularly wants to.

And hmm, her birth family. I wonder is she the orphaned daughter of a Death Eater. Or maybe the daughter of a Death Eater in prison. The dates fit. Though of course, considering her name, she may have been born after the Battle of Hogwarts.

They DO seem to treat her like a child. The rule about not walking to and from the bus stop at night is reasonable enough, but thinking they get a vote on what she WEARS and deciding whether or not she goes to a party with people she hasn't seen in years.

And I wonder why she seems to think they COULD make her attend the 10 year one. This one, fair enough. She's what, about 22 or 23. If she's still living at home and her parents are overprotective, it's not too surprising they might have some say in her life then, but in another five years, when she's approaching thirty? That seems less likely.

Hmm, it sounds like something happened between Holly and Liberty in the past and it must be pretty serious, because it's obviously still causing awkwardness even though they are way older and a lot of secondary school conflicts would seem pretty minor from the point of view of a 23 year old.

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Review #74, by MargaretLanefound wanting: i.

16th September 2015:
Here for the prefect's review exchange.

This is sort of an interesting idea, having a group of students from Hogwarts meeting up a few years later.

I really like the introductory paragraphs. They set the scene so well and also have me wondering who this mysterious stranger is.

Hmm, I would thought by today's era, Muggle fashions would have become more common as the Hogwarts students in canon already seemed more familiar with them.

Hmm, that part about not wanting to "face" the reunion is kind of interesting. Sounds like they're not too enthusiastic. But in that case, why go? Hmm.

I don't blame her for not liking the name "Hollywood". It wouldn't exactly let her blend in and as a teen, that can be important.

Oh, sounds like Slughorn is still teaching. Well, he didn't retire until the end of Albus's first year in my version. He must be pretty old by now though.

It's just like him to organise a school reunion.

And hmm, they WEREN'T expecting Holly to turn up. Sounds like there's definitely something going on there.

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Review #75, by MargaretLaneGrey.: Grey

11th September 2015:
This story sounds rather interesting.

Love the first line. It immediately sets up a dramatic scenario.

And I like the way you let us know he no longer has any contact with his old friends. Things like that are hard to include as the character already knows them, but the way you've included it sounds perfectly natural.

I'd be inclined to start a new sentence with, "he had once been rather meticulous with his appearance" or at least use a semi-colon.

It makes perfect sense that Draco would feel this way. I've always felt he'd be likely to have major emotional problems after the war. After all, he was forced into attempted murder and it's only sheer luck he didn't kill Ron, he spent two years in absolute fear of his life, saw people killed and tortured in front of him, learnt that everything he'd believed was wrong and the man he'd been brought up to admire was willing to kill his entire family. That would be hard to get over.

This is really nit-picky and may just be personal preference, but there are a few places where the writing seems a little stilted, like I'd be inclined to say "what was the point of living after everything he'd done?" rather than "everything that he had done" and "his thin fingers shaking so badly, he barely managed to wrap his hand around it" rather than "that he barely managed..."

Love the part about what the great Draco Malfoy had been reduced to. It's really in character for him to think that way.

The part where he is fighting against the urge to scream is just so well written. It really gives us an insight into what he is feeling.

There are some punctuation problems around "I hate this. I hate this". It should have a full stop before it, not a comma, as it's a separate sentence and "he muttered" should have a small "h". The way it's written "he muttered, defeating the urge to sob," forms its own sentence and that isn't a sentence.

I like the way the storm in his mind echoes the storm outside.

Yikes, you've given Draco even more to deal with than we know of from the books, though it all makes sense. His father could have been cursed by just about anybody - one of the Death Eaters who was angry with him for not remaining loyal or one of their enemies who knew him to have been a high-ranking Death Eater who tortured and probably killed numerous people.

I like the description of Narcissa as "a broken doll."

The "hes" at the start of the paragraph which talks about the precious artifacts are quite confusing. I'm not sure whether it's talking about Draco or his father worshiping Voldemort.

I like the way they both share a feeling of shame. It's hardly surprising after what they've done.

It makes a lot of sense that he'd be haunted by Hermione's screams. Even though he didn't like her much, she was still a classmate and watching somebody you knew personally being tortured would be horrific. I don't think I've ever before seen a story that took into account just how traumatic that must have been for him.

And I like the way he sees his home as tainted. It must be awful to have to LIVE in the place the trauma took place and have your home turned into a place of torture.

Ooh, this letter is interesting. It looks as if Astoria is married to Blaise Zabini here and she has some grudge against Draco for what happened during the war.

It sounds like you've developed Astoria's character way beyond what we learn of her in canon. The part about her being half blood is intriguing. I wonder how Draco even knows that.

I really like your use of the word "craved". It gives the impression of something outside his control.

I like the way you show divisions between the Slytherin students here. A lot of stories seem to portray them as pretty much a monolith, but there are bound to be different views.

This story gives a really good insight into how Draco might feel after the war. It's intense, which is good, as the events are intense too, and there are no easy answers.

Author's Response: Hello!

Thank you so much for stopping by with this really great review. It's been a while since we've swapped stories so we'll have to get back on track sometime! :D

I've had quite a few people check this story out, it's actually one of the most read one-shots that I have (I think it only comes second to Again and third to Glass) and that honestly really surprises me. I didn't think people would be very keen on this version of Draco Malfoy but I am so glad that this has gotten mostly positive reviews. :D

I think it would be pretty far-fetched to assume that Draco didn't have any major issues after the War was over. He saw a lot of horrible things and was under a lot of pressure to be what others expected, I think it would really shatter a person after a while. I also had to remember that he was quite young when this happened, which makes it even more disturbing to imagine. The fact that his ego has been taken, his family is falling apart and he's going just a tad crazy are all things that I believe would happen. At least, in some form.

You know, I'm in debate on who actually cursed Lucius. I have a few people that I think are responsible but I've never really delved that deeply on it. I can't feel sorry for him though but the physical decay is shown in how Narcissa deals with the situation. She's not the elegant woman that Draco remembers from his childhood.

I always wondered why people never mention the fact that Draco heard and SAW Hermione being tortured. Granted, he did nothing but I think that added shame,fear and guilt would get to him over time.

You would have to read my novel, "A Force of Wills" if you want to know more about Draco's relationship with Astoria. Her half-blood status is actually something that is brought up more than once, it's a focal point that I make a habit of teasing my readers with. Heheheh.

I can't think of ALL the Slytherins as being horrible for some reason but I think that it would only be fair to mention that there were some decent people there. They may not have been brave but I think they existed. I mean, Peter Pettigrew was a Gryffindor and he didn't turn out to be so great, so who's to say that ALL Slytherins are evil?

Thank you so much for stopping by!

Much love,


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