Reading Reviews From Member: MargaretLane
  
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Review #51, by MargaretLaneAlbus Potter and the Stone Mark: The First Day of Classes

6th September 2014:
*laughs* Yeah, I wouldn't have expected Rose and Albus to sign up for Divination, especially when the norm seems to be to take two classes out of five. That's hardly be one of their first two choices. Not with Trelawney teaching it anyway.

Well, that was silly, doing that Transformation in Transfiguration. Who teaches Transfiguration in this anyway? I suppose I should check back to see.

I like the part where Rose beams with pride to hear Hugo has earned his house points.

It's interesting to see how different people portray various characters. Lucy seems quite different in this than in my story. *laughs* And Fred is much older.

Author's Response: We have Rose taking three total, and Kenway is the only one of the three taking Divination.

Our Transfiguration teacher is Professor Brocklehurste, the Head of Ravenclaw and Deputy Headmistress.

That was all Freda's idea.

I love love love Lucy's witty character. We wanted Fred to be a prankster like James, so we put them in the same year.

Love your reviews!
--Georgina


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Review #52, by MargaretLaneThe Burning Game: The Messy Web We Weave

4th September 2014:
LOVE your second paragraph, with its hints that something serious has happened in the last few hours. It really creates suspense and makes me wonder what on earth is going on.

The sentence "he had given in to his mother's pleading of cutting his hair" sounds a bit awkward. It might sound better to say "he'd given in to his mother's pleading and cut his hair." Also "mother" should have a small "m" in this context, as it's not being used as a title.

And now you've made me wonder about the three empty places. I assumed it was simply that there were less people at the meeting that the table had space for, but now it sounds as if some of those involved may have been severely injured or killed.

And I wonder if there is a reason why it seems like most of those involved are Weasleys. So far, well, we don't know yet who the character speaking is, but out of the other four at the table, three are Weasleys. Only Scorpius is unrelated.

You've written "she was out confidante". I presume it should be "she was our."

The first line of the part in italics also sounds a little awkward. It might be better to say, "I greeted the Head of the Auror Department with a terse nod as I walked past, holding my coffee in one hand and a breakfast wrap in the other."

Oh, Hannah is the main character. She's the last person I would have expected.

And hmm, that death sounds mysterious.

I'm now wondering who's Minister in this story and what might be going on with him. Is he involved in something dodgy or under the Imperius curse. You've already introduced a number of mysteries in this story.

I really like the way you throw us straight into events.

There should generally be commas before and/or after a name when a person is being addressed. Like "I know what my mission was, Charlie" or "we all know what happened in that room, Hannah."

And I am really wondering what happened to Hannah in "that room." It sounds like it's something pretty serious and like she could do with some support rather than criticism.

I am looking forward to seeing where this story is going. This is a very interesting and mysterious first chapter.

Author's Response: Thank you! I really tried to create a lot of mystery in the first chapter, I didn't want to give anything away. Especially the whole Minister thing as well because that's a large part of it.

And I'm not sure whether the fact Hannah's the last person you'd expect to be the main POV is a good thing or not?

Thank you so much for pointing out those errors, I'll quickly go back and change those so they sound better! :)

~Aimee xxx


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Review #53, by MargaretLaneWhen the Axe Fell: When the Axe Fell

3rd September 2014:
I've noticed this story before, but never got around to reading it. I've been meaning to read some more of your stuff, as what I have read has been excellent.

The first paragraph is really well written and sets the scene really well. I'm not great at that kind of mood setting, so it always impresses me.

The mere mention of "the Tower" sent shivers down my spine. I think it's the capital "T" on tower. It just sounds ominous, especially knowing how this'll end.

Like the mention of chainmail. It fits the country and the era.

Love the background about how he'd been a favourite of the king. I hadn't even really thought about how being "Sir" indicated he'd been knighted, but of course, it does.

And I really like the insight you give into why Nick's head didn't come off neatly. The part about the pumpkins made me laugh.

Although would there have been pumpkins in England at the time? I kind of see them as American. I'm not sure about that though.

Really like the way you show how scared he is. It makes sense he would be and adds to the atmosphere of the piece. I also like the way you have him feeling that he's not living up to being a Gryffindor by showing fear and how it contrasts with the risks he is familiar with. It highlights how there are different types of courage and how a person who is brave in one circumstance can be terrified in another. I can totally imagine how terrifying the wait must be. At least in battle, you're not just standing there waiting for the axe to fall.

I grimaced in sympathy when Nick spoke of how it was the worst pain imaginable. You really made me feel what he is going through at that point, which is a mark of excellent writing.

Oh gosh, that part about the axe going into the bone made me shiver. You really write this well, so that I can almost picture it.

And he doesn't want to die. Understandable, but interesting in light of what we know will happen and how he indicated in Order of the Phoenix that it was his choice that allowed him remain as a ghost. I wonder if he will be pleased when he realises he still exists.

You are making me feel sympathy for the executioner too, who after all is a young man who is only doing his job and probably didn't expect it to be like this. Aw, now I really do feel sorry for him, when you mention him being inconsolable. I get the impression he's going to struggle to come to terms with this, that it'll haunt him for a long time.

And I love how you describe him making the journey back to boy again.

It's kind of sad that the priest objects to him continuing to hack at the corpse, but seemed to have no problem with executing a man in the first place.

Oooh, that part about Nick already regretting his decision fits with canon, but it's really sad.

The only bit of concrit I'd give is that the last few words sound a little awkward - just the repetition of "he wished". It might sound better to say something like "and that he'd made a different decision when the axe fell." But I'm probably being really picky here.

Excellent story.

Author's Response: Hi Margaret! It's been a while since I got any reviews on this story, so it's really nice to get some feedback from you!

I'm really pleased that you liked the way that I set the scene in this story and you thought I created a good atmosphere for it to start off with. I'm definitely no history expert but I really enjoyed building up some of the back story and the little details like the chainmail and things like that.

*blushes* You're the first person to even point out the pumpkin inconsistency and I just went and looked it up to find out that you're completely right, so I'll edit that as soon as I can!

I always imagine that in this era, those who were knights would be trained for all sorts, particulary only ten or so years after the War of the Roses was over, but execution at the tower wouldn't have been one of the things they were prepared for.

This is quite gruesome, but then people being executed is going to be, so I'm glad that you liked the way I wrote it and built up the empathy there.

The executioner was one of those characters who completely invented and wrote himself in this story, and I'm so pleased that people were able to feel sympathy for him! For me it's kind of at odds for a lot of people at that time, who professed to be so religious and Christian-spirited and yet they were completely okay with execution. Then again, the past was extremely different and we can't judge it by our standards!

Thank you for that concrit as well, as it's always helpful! When I edit the pumpkin detail, I'll look at that too.

Thank you so much for the swap and this great review!


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Review #54, by MargaretLaneWe Are One: Spotted

1st September 2014:
Yikes, I got a bit of a shock when claws began to rake at his/her face.

And I'm now realising that I'm picturing this person as a man, but there's no reason to believe that. Hmm.

The attack on Greyback seems to disprove my theory. I can't see any way in which he could be considered a traitor. Hmm, Umbridge, Dung, Greyback, Lovegood. I can't find any connection whatsoever between them.

Aw, poor Ron. This is just the same way he feels about Quidditch. He has an awful habit of putting himself down and expecting that he should be perfect at all times. Everybody makes mistakes; it's not a reason to quit.

I think you jumped a little quickly from Ron planning to resign to his saying, "let's just make sure we get him next time." I know he wants to reassure Harry, but it does seem a rather sudden change and it's a little disconcerting reading it.

Hmm, maybe it's not COMPLETELY certain I'm wrong, as Greyback might just have had to be killed because of what he saw. And MacNair could DEFINITELY be considered a traitor, as he was working for the Ministry and the Death Eaters. The theory fits four of the five deaths.

Is the villain going to be revealed now. I suspect it won't be this simple. I've a feeling the letter'll only give a hint.

But at the moment, I'd probably guess Pamela. She sort of seems the least UNlikely. Although there was that Veritaserum questioning. I don't really know, to be honest.

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Review #55, by MargaretLaneRainfall: Confidentiality

1st September 2014:
Yikes, that part about there possibly being traces remaining is kind of scary. It makes me wonder if Hugo could be affected in other ways they don't know about yet.

And now I'm wondering about Rose; if it was just luck she wasn't affected or if there's something more to it.

So far Rose seems to have got off fairly easily compared to most of your characters. *watches you suspiciously* I sort of don't want you to ruin Rose's life, because I think SOMEBODY deserves to have things comparatively easy.

That is dreadful - releasing the fact Hermione and Ron were having a daughter. Reminds me of a few years back when an Irish TV station announced on ST. STEPHEN'S DAY that the then Minister for Finance had cancer. You can imagine the complaints they got! They were accused of tabloid reporting. OK, the leak about Hugo is even more like that. Just checked an article about the event and people were saying at the time, the TV station should at least have held off a few weeks to let the family come to terms with it in private.

Oh gosh, poor Hermione. She must feel so guilty about refusing the check. How awful is that...

*cheers for Harry threatening them with Azkaban*

And *cheers for Hugo telling Hermione to stop worrying* He's being pretty mature for a 10 year old. *hugs him*

You're really determined to ruin Hermione's life, between killing her parents and having her blame herself for not having found out sooner about his blindness.

*laughs* That comment of Hugo's about how that part of the sentence was unnecessary sounds like something my version of Rose would say.

VERY minor nitpick, but you could go down to a new paragraph after Hermione says she's sure it's nothing serious and before Hugo starts thinking about how Ron has said he has to stay late at work without any explanation.

Ahhh, you're just determined to end every chapter on a cliffhanger, aren't you? The last chapter had me wondering what had caused Hugo's blindness, now this one has me wondering why Ron was late home. I wonder is there some kind of threat to the wizarding world that the Aurors have to deal with.

Great chapter.

Author's Response: *squishes* Hello! Thank you so much!

Rose. It's luck that she didn't end up blind. Whether or not she's escaped unscathed... I would say, as a general reminder for this kind of situation with the lingering Dark Magic, that not all disabilities are physical.

*sniggers* Because watching me suspiciously is going to do SO much good. What do you mean, you only SORT OF don't want me to ruin Rose's life? What's the point if you don't object to me ruining characters' lives? *sniffs* You're supposed to play along.

Our newspapers have great fun releasing all kinds of information when those concerned have only just found out about it themselves. There was a big fuss over here about phone hacking for the sake of finding out information they shouldn't know, that kind of illegal stuff. There's an ongoing inquiry into methods used by the press, and regulation.

Hermione didn't just have the guilt that she might have been able to do something and didn't. She had the entire wizarding world criticising her. Yeah, every time we've talked about ruining characters' lives and you've told me which I am/am not allowed to torture, you've completely forgotten about Hermione. Not that you could have stopped me... but yeah, poor Hermione. She's not having the easiest time, is she? *cackles*

Pointing out technicalities is Hugo's speciality!

It's not supposed to be a cliffhanger. I actually finished off this chapter a few weeks after writing the first half (this is where my JulNo chapters begin, so be warned, speed writing...) and there was a bit of a change of plan. The ending is supposed to suggest that Hugo's going to forget to ask. I really need to have a good think and edit - Ron being late home was originally going to be a big plot point, but with the revised plan it's just a remnant that really needs to be dealt with. *pokes self* Sloppy laziness right there.

Thanks!


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Review #56, by MargaretLaneThe Fire Inside: Two

31st August 2014:
I'm not sure the part about his grades being good enough to graduate Hogwarts a year early really makes sense. Hogwarts students' grades are based on their N.E.W.T. results, so for him to leave school a year early, he'd have had to have taken the N.E.W.T.S. a year early, which, firstly, would mean he'd have had to have done a two year course in one year and secondly, would mean he'd left school early not because how good his grades were, but because he'd already done the exam. Even if he just got Acceptables, he'd still be finished with school, unless he decided to repeat the year and try for better grades, I guess. I guess it's possible that if a student came highly recommended by their Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, then the Auror office might, in a situation like a war, take them without any N.E.W.T.S., but they wouldn't have "graduated". It would be a case of the Auror office taking them without qualifications.

Wow, this fits my challenge so weirdly well, with the comment about how the crime bears the hallmarks of "someone entirely new".

And I'm wondering if something happened to David, maybe during the war, because of the comment about how he "would have" loved the case.

Love the mention of people leaving Britain during the war. This is something you rarely hear about in fanfiction.

Do they have plea bargaining in the UK? It sounds very American to me, especially for the wizarding world.

Overall though, the language in this story seems to fit very well with an investigation.

And I'm really wondering about David and why he is being described as "sick". I'm now wondering if he might be the villain here.

Oh, I wasn't expecting Hermione to turn up in this story. I like the reference to her having seen enough monsters lately. Poor girl has had a pretty unpleasant time.

I was WONDERING why Hermione'd be visiting the home of a suspected Death Eater. I thought maybe she'd been asked by the Ministry to investigate or something, but that seemed unlikely as this is so soon after the Battle of Hogwarts.

You've written "if your new friend let's us in". There shouldn't be an apostrophe in the "lets".

I can see why Ron and Ginny would appear that way to Theodore, assuming he's genuine and doesn't have an agenda, but it IS unfair. Once you get to know somebody, you can't really continue to see them just as a mythical hero and Ginny fought at the Ministry with Harry and would probably have accompanied him in Deathly Hallows, had he asked her. And as for Ron, well, how many people would willingly put themselves in danger in the first place. It was different for Harry and Hermione: once Voldemort took power, they really had nothing to lose.

I wonder who Harry is referring to by the "some people" in his final comment.

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Review #57, by MargaretLaneThe Fire Inside: One

30th August 2014:
Wow, that's one dramatic and intriguing opening. I'm already wondering why Theo is screaming and who the girl is.

You really portray the emotions Theo is feeling well. I particularly like the fact he tries to yell, but it comes out as a whisper.

This is VERY minor, but I think in the second paragraph, the sentence might sound better as, "it took HIM a second to realise IT was his own voice screaming". There's nothing wrong with the way you've written it, but the use of the name sounds a bit repetitive and the inclusion of the word "that" between "realise" and "it" just seems to draw things out a bit longer than necessary. But I being REALLY picky here.

Oooh, I want to know who the villain is.

And I love the detail that the smile scared him more than the Cruciatus Curse. That tells us something about the villain and his or her mentality.

I also really like the details about him coughing blood and being unable to stand and the description of how London suddenly seems foreign, which indicates how disoriented he is.

OK, this review seems to be just a list of "I likeds", but it is really well written.

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Review #58, by MargaretLaneThe Sorting of Cormac Mclaggen: The Soring of Cormac Mclaggen

28th August 2014:
You've written "Cormac liked being talk very much", when I assume it should be "being tall".

I like the way you describe his father. It's chilling and you get a pretty clear impression of the man in a few lines. And it's also sort of chilling that Cormac likes the idea that people might be afraid of him.

I like the houses you've chosen for his family. They immediately give the impression that his family are very into traditional, academic typed success and it makes sense that would make Cormac feel an outsider.

And that part about Declan at the end is sad. It seems like he WAS fond of his little brother, but now that he's been sorted into Gryffindor, he is going to take no more interest in him. It highlights the problematic aspect of Hogwarts' house system as well as a lot about the McLaggen family. I really like the way you wrote that part too. It was just so sad.

The "L" in "McLaggen" should be capitalised.

I kind of feel the ending of this chapter was a little rushed. It seemed to jump from the sadness of the final interaction between Cormac and Declan to the anger of his wish for revenge. I would have expected his anger to grow a little more slowly.

You have developed a really interesting background for McLaggen and I really like how you have managed to give us such an insight into his family in such a short story. He is a character we don't know much about and you've managed to explain a lot.

Author's Response: Thank you for the review. I'm glad you liked the story. I was writing a story of the sorting of Luna when I got Cormac for the challenge and decided to write a similar story about him. I went and reread some of the bits of the books with him and I noticed how angry he seemed. I wanted to supply a reason. Thanks also for pointing out the typos. I went over the story, and you are so right about the ending. I am fixing it! I hoped you liked the story enough to check out some of my other work!
Gladis Gudgeon


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Review #59, by MargaretLaneRainfall: Common Knowledge

28th August 2014:
OK, FINALLY getting around to reading this.

LOVE Hermione's comment about how nobody likes sticking their ears in the oven. And I like the fact she's become rather more realistic as an adult and no longer believes it's as simple as just freeing them, without considering where they'll live after freedom or if they'll be able to get a job or provide for themselves or whatever.

Sounds like she's having more difficulty bringing in rights for house-elves here than in my story, where she has at least managed to ban things like making them stick their heads in ovens, even if some people ignore the ban, knowing their house elves are too loyal to ever report it.

*laughs at your detailed description of the evolution of Diagon Alley* Is there a reason it was built the year London burnt? Had there been previous buildings there that burnt in the fire?

Love the ice-cream you invented.

*cheers for Hermione's retort to the assistant's comment* How inappropriate can you get - telling Hermione she's sorry she has a blind son RIGHT IN FRONT OF HUGO?

And *cheers for her not reading his stories without permission*

Yikes, it didn't occur to me his blindness could be connected with the war and what happened to Hermione. Now I'm intrigued as to the cause of it. Can't wait for the next chapter.

Author's Response: Yay, thank you! I've got my big goofy "new review" smile on my face now.

Maybe part of Hermione's trouble comes from the distractions of the first years of Hugo's life. But mainly people don't want to hear what she has to say.

Yep, it was built in the aftermath of the Great Fire of London because the Ministry saw the perfect opportunity to cast some charms over the area and make it effectively disappear - something which would be considerably harder if there were inhabited houses there! And there was a nice space for the Leaky Cauldron and all. Wizarding buildings wouldn't have been affected by normal fire; it's just a case of the muggle ones having been burnt down creating a space and distractions so the muggles wouldn't notice.

The evolution of Diagon Alley. One of those things one just feels the need to know. Most people don't? *shakes head* At least you and I know the value of totally unnecessary and pointless information: it's fascinating.

Well, they couldn't just have muggle ice-cream! I do wonder what it would look like... maybe white with different colour swirls through it or something. All that matters to Hugo is the flavour, though!

I was going to have Hermione report the shop assistant to George, but decided she'd be too nice/felt it wasn't worth the hassle. The shop assistant probably went home and cried afterwards. No sympathy. She upset my little Hugo!

The next chapter went in the queue yesterday! Yep, it's an important one, which will hopefully answer a few questions. Can't wait to hear what you think of it!


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Review #60, by MargaretLaneWe Are One: A mistake

27th August 2014:
Hmm, the reporter seems a bit Rita Skeeter like in a way. After all, this requires rather different skills than the defeat of Voldemort. OK, Harry and Ron have solved mysteries, but defeating Voldemort wasn't a question of figuring out who he was.

I suspect Marietta as a future victim. If I am right about it being something to do with people who could be considered traitors in some way, she looks a possible victim.

Isn't Old Bill a nickname for the police force in England?

And hmm, I wonder what is going on with Harry.

Hmm, Greyback doesn't really fit with my theory about betrayers. He was never trusted by the Order or the Ministry.

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Review #61, by MargaretLaneDeath on the First: Chapter Three

26th August 2014:
Actually, I think I made a mistake in my review of the last chapter. I think there are two people you still haven't mentioned.

Interesting. The killer says Michael is clearly innocent, but doesn't say that about the others.

My guess would be Daphne Greengrass.

Hmm, really don't see how it can be Seamus now, as the killer addresses him by name and in front of the Aurors, so it can't really be a duel personality/talking to himself thing. *ponders*

Author's Response: Michael's the poor guy who's been caught up in the house without any real connection to these killings or the victims other than his wife, Lavender. I kind of feel sorry for him :P

Haha, it would be extremely interesting to write someone who was talking to himself through the story but I can say now that your thoughts on Seamus have a good foundation!

Your guess is really interesting, but of course, I couldn't possibly comment ;) Thank you for sticking with this story and reviewing - I'm glad you're enjoying it!


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Review #62, by MargaretLaneRabbit Heart: Hearts of Curiosity

24th August 2014:
I should probably be writing myself, but since I'm not entirely sure where I'm going at the moment, I'm going to read this instead.

*laughs at Neville's reluctance to deal with rule breaking at 5am* I can't say I blame him, especially since breaking curfew is a pretty minor issue really.

And I'm also amused at how he doesn't blame James's head of house for needing a break.

It must be hard for Neville to deal with situations relating to his own daughter. Obviously, he has to treat her the same way he would any other student, even though he's likely to have a better understanding of what might be affecting her behaviour.

And that would be awkward even if she wasn't his daughter: knowing a particular student is unlikely to lie about something like this but that the alternative is a member of staff lying and in a situation where they'd have absolutely no motivation for doing so (as far as he knows). The fact she's his daughter makes it much worse, of course, as he's going to have even more reason to know she can be believed than a normal student, though I'd imagine that in a boarding school, the staff would know their students pretty well by the time they reached sixth year.

Hmm, Ian appears to be affected by the rabbits, which means it's unlikely it's just people the opposite gender to Dillon, which throws me back on my other theory about it being people who have some form of unhappiness or "need" the rabbits for some reason. I like that idea. as it ties the two plots together - the one about the rabbits and the one about Wren's unhappiness over what happened to her grandparents and so on.

Oh dear, even though Neville is inclined to take Wren seriously, she still feels he doesn't believe her.

Rose is being rather selfish and childish here - getting annoyed because Wren talked to somebody else.

Yikes, this last part sounds pretty serious.

And the part about having the decency to cover their tracks amused me. As if it would be fine to leave people to die so long as you covered your tracks.

I'm assuming a rabbit bit them.

Author's Response: Hi!

Sometimes our muse requests a break. I tend to listen to mine now, which is why I'm slowing down.

Neville has a quandary. He knows his daughter, and he has professional obligations too. I wanted him to be sympathetic and protective, but still have doubts about the best way to handle things.

I'm glad that the plots are starting to tie together for you. Wren, rabbits, Dillon... it's not as tight as an Oreo cookie, but I hope the connection comes out clear eventually.

Yeah, Rose. I don't know what to do with her sometimes.

Ah, yes. It's proper and decent to cover your tracks. Anyone who doesn't is just a barbarian. The shame! I don't want these guys as my next door neighbors, that's for sure!

Thanks for another lovely review! It's always great to see your thoughts about this story.

Until next time!


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Review #63, by MargaretLaneAlbus Potter and the Pureblood's Secret: The Deposition

23rd August 2014:
Best of luck with the new job.

I've had to take breaks in posting stories myself, due to work stuff. I think I've put up one chapter of my series in over two months. So I know the situation. And it means your series won't end as quickly! Which is good.

I think if I were Matt, I would be seriously freaked out by this whole situation. If somebody can be arrested for a crime of which they are clearly innocent, due to prejudice against werewolves, it doesn't exactly bode well. Of course, Boone HAD committed a crime and would probably never have come to the Aurors' attention at all if he hadn't, but it's still somewhat chilling to think that if you make the slightest mistake, it's going to be held against you in a way it wouldn't be against others.

*cheers for Matt choosing to testify* Fair play to him.

It might help Albus get out of testifying if he makes it clear he thinks Boone is innocent. They might be wary of putting forward a witness for the prosecution who didn't believe in the accused's guilt. It wouldn't necessarily work, not if they thought his evidence was necessary, but it might put a doubt in their minds about using him.

*cheers for Kaden's mum saying Bethany is responsible for her own actions* I mean, I can understand blaming older siblings for leading the younger ones into trouble, but when it comes to blaming the older ones for something the younger ones did on their own, like Gemma's detentions, it seems to me that it's just teaching the younger ones to blame others for their mistakes. After all, John didn't have an older sibling to sort out his messes.

*laughs at Albus claiming he knew because his dad is Harry Potter*

In a way, it's a good thing about the map, because now it looks as if that's what he didn't want announced publicly. If his answer were completely innocent, they'd think he was lying, as why would it be classified if it were innocent? But the map could well be something Harry uses as an Auror. And the part about his dad being Harry Potter really fits with the information being classified. It makes it sound as if Harry has used the Shack for some kind of Auror activities or something and nobody outside the Aurors is supposed to know how to enter.

Santiago is a bit creepy, with all his "interestings". I don't see how any of this can prove or disprove Boone's guilt, so I wonder what he is so interested by.

*laughs* No, I don't think that testimony really helps the prosecution* All he's said is really, "we found him in the Shrieking Shack, polyjuiced as Professor Young and he showed us that he couldn't hold a knife or a wand, so we believed he couldn't possibly have committed murder." Not exactly what they want to hear.

And I've just remembered there's STILL no explanation as to why the murders were done by knife.

Actually, I can see that going against Boone. It could be argued that his hands would make it more difficult for him to commit murder, so he's more likely to choose an unusual way. Wouldn't really make SENSE, as this should be harder for him to do than ordinary magic, but considering the bias against werewolves, I can see people believing it.

Hey, a thought, would the injuries HAVE to be caused by a knife or could Sectumsempra have done them? I don't remember all the details of the injuries. I'll have to check back.

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Review #64, by MargaretLaneAlbus Potter and Slytherin's Office: Tears and Laughter

21st August 2014:
Yay, the final chapter is up. Not that I want this to be over, but I do want some answers.

*laughs at Harry's comment that he's been unconscious often enough to know how people feel afterwards* That probably wasn't meant to be amusing, but it kind of is because it's so true.

Looks like Harry's going to do the Dumbledore thing here and explain what needs to be explained.

There should be a small "h" on "his dad said bashfully," as it's part of the same sentence as the dialogue.

And love the way Harry is still somewhat intimidated by Madame Pomfrey nearly 20 years after leaving school. She is rather formidable.

There shouldn't be an apostrophe before the "s" in "Slytherins", as it's a plural, not a possessive.

I like the fact Harry says he may not know all the answers. That makes sense. It's sort of unlikely he WOULD know everything, as obviously he didn't know of Slytherin's continued existence until now.

So Harry essentially killed Zajecfer or would have only for the Horcruxes. I hadn't expected THAT. I'd assumed it would be like many of the battles in the books when the villain escapes, but this DOES make sense. It's actually strange people don't use more serious spells often in the books. I mean, I wouldn't expect the good guys to use the Killing Curse or anything, but I'd expect the Death Eaters to use it pretty much constantly and I'd expect the Aurors and Order of the Phoenix to use more body binding curses and ones like that.

And it makes sense Harry'd let him tell Rose, Art and David, since they already KNOW a fair amount and would probably be more worried and curious if they DIDN'T get the full story.

I REALLY like the way you show the emotional effects events have on the characters. It makes sense Flitwick would feel very guilty that, far from protecting the students, he actually helped endanger them, albeit against his will. He's bound to feel he SHOULD have been able to throw off the Imperius Curse, especially since he was a duelling champion, wasn't he? So he'd probably feel like he was a failure in that way as well as worrying he could have helped harm a student. Poor Flitwick.

And I love Harry's explanation that he's no Dumbledore. It makes sense Flitwick wouldn't have Dumbledore's abilities, since nobody does. And it makes him more of an individual character rather than just "the Headmaster".

He could be well over a thousand years old, really, as the Sorting Hat said he was created "about a thousand years ago" about 23 years before this and presumably Slytherin was pretty old at that point, as they were wondering how to sort the students after they died, so say he was sixty. Now of course when the hat said "about a thousand," it could have been 900 or even less, but it could equally have been 1,050, in which case Slytherin would be over 1,100. But yeah, either way, he's ANCIENT.

This is more just a personal opinion than anything else, but I think "magically weak" might sound better than "magic weak".

I also really like the fact Albus doesn't get over what happened when Harry points out it was an accident and that murder is intentionally killing somebody, because it's not that easy to just get over something like that.

And I love the fact Harry lets Albus get up without telling Poppy.

I think Harry is blaming himself unfairly too. They didn't die on his behalf. Even if he had never existed, they would still have fought Voldemort to protect Muggleborns and others. It wasn't just Harry who was at risk from him.

Oh, you asked if my series was going to get darker. I'd add to the answer that this is probably darker than it's ever likely to get. There are some parts that might get close, but probably only one of the things here at once. Not somebody under the Imperius Curse, being forced to do evil things AND attempts to murder the main characters AND the main character blaming themselves for a death.

OK, David's theory is bizarre. And hysterically funny.

Hmm, I'm guessing you're getting rid of Fuchs for a reason. Maybe so the replacement can be a suspect next year. That would indicate there's going to be a mystery, for the reader, I mean. Whereas here, we knew who at least one villain was.

Aw, *huggles the Hufflepuffs* It's so nice of them not to celebrate publicly so they don't make others feel bad. *huggles them some more*

*laughs at this ending with Albus hoping there'll be more adventures to come when the first year of my series ended with my Albus hoping there WOULDN'T* And my Albus didn't even go through anything as bad as yours did.

Oooh, the title of the next story is intriguing. I wonder if the Chosen Four are Albus and his three friends, but that would sort of include Albus twice. But you might just need to work it that way, so the title works with your others. Hmm

Author's Response: Yeah, Harry did sort of do the Dumbledore thing. I would use Dumbledore himself, except for the fact that he is dead. *laughs*

Good point on the small "h" thing, and the s.

Yep, Harry's pretty awesome, but he isn't all-knowing. His guess on why Slytherin died and Albus survived is pretty good!

Yeah, I think maybe the Aurors use different types of curses to throw the enemy off? It could be that certain spells have only one counter-curse, so it'd be really easy to deflect them if they're only shooting one type. Then again, there is the shield charm... hmm.

Harry trusted Ron and Hermione with a lot of valuable information, so I think Harry would say, "Okay Albus, if you trust your friends, you can tell them."

Yeah, I think Flitwick will spend the entire summer before school recovering, physically and emotionally. Poor him!

When the founders were born is kind of hazy. On the chocolate frog cards (When I went to Orlando, I got the one for Salazar Slytherin) it just says "Medieval". There's never a direct date of when Hogwarts was being created or anything. We just know the rough time period.

I agree with you, "magically weak" sounds much better.

Harry is blaming himself a little unfairly, but look at it from his point of view. These people fought because they didn't want to hand Harry over to Voldemort. If Harry hadn't gone to Hogwarts, the battle would never have happened. Even when people say, "You're a hero!" he thinks, "If I'm a hero, then how did I let these people die?" He's mostly over it (Time is the ultimate healer) but I think it resurfaces every once in a while.

I LOVE David's theory. I came up with that on the spot, and i was grinning as i wrote it, unlike ten minutes before when I was writing the graveyard scene.

Yes, I am getting rid of Fuchs for a reason, even though I like Fuchs a lot. But I'm going to have a LOT of fun with the next teacher! *bounces excitedly*

*Huggles more Hufflepuffs* See? We're the best house. (Though i do imagine they had a party in their own common room.)

Well, Albus isn't exactly hoping for another adventure... you know how when you're doing something and you think it's the worst thing ever, but after it's over you think, "Oh, that's not too bad"? Well, that's basically what Albus is feeling at the end. The danger is over, he survived, and it was actually a little exciting.

Thanks for reviewing! And I'm sorry I took FOREVER getting back to you, I had 12 other people staying with me in the same house, so I didn't really have access to the computer.


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Review #65, by MargaretLaneRainfall: A Birthday Present

18th August 2014:
Oh gosh, now I'm wondering what happened to Hermione's parents. And you say I'M mean to my characters! Killing off the Grangers after all Hermione's efforts is just cruel.

I love the way you show the difficulties a magical child has attending a Muggle school.

*laughs* I don't usually watch sport, but one time my friend and I were in a hotel in Tipperary, when Tipperary were playing Kilkenny at hurling (Kilkenny are SCARILY good at hurling, so I basically support whoever is against them). Hurling is so fast and the sliotar (the ball) so small that you might as well be just listening to it like Hugo is. That's what this reminded me. I guess catching the Snitch is the same in Quidditch. It happens so suddenly, you'd probably only know when the commentator announces it.

I actually DID burst out laughing when Ron started dancing around the room singing that Hermione said he was right. A reaction like that has GOT to be a good sign, right? It's just so in character for Ron and such a funny mental image.

Just a question: who are Juniors? I guess I sort of assumed Junior School meant the same as primary school.

Oooh, magic wolf obviously makes me, and probably Hugo, think of werewolves and yeah, that's not funny, considering what they go through and how they are treated in the wizarding world.

We used always have two spelling tests, one in English and one in Irish, a line down the middle of the page and ten words in each language, English at one side, Irish at the other. Well, except in Senior Infants, because we only did English language spellings then.

You really capture the atmosphere in the classroom and the speech patterns of a ten year old boy well.

I actually made Derek's father a policeman before even thinking that that was the Muggle equivalent of an Auror and you've now reminded me I mean to have a scene about them comparing Muggle and magical investigations in year three and Harry trying to implement some ideas Derek's father tells him about in the Auror office.

And yes, it does sound weird to have Ron unable to pronounce his own job. Hugo covered it up well, saying he just does it to annoy Hermione. Especially since it's something one could easily imagine Ron doing.

*laughs at the meteor killing the t-rex* That reminds me of when I was a teen and playing with my three year old cousin and HER seven or eight year old cousin and myself and the older kid ended it by blowing up the world and stuff and then my three year old cousin was like "is it over now?" Um, yes, since the entire population of planet earth has been killed. Before you think we were being mean, my then three year old cousin is now a good deal older and makes you and me look kind to our characters. Blowing up the world would be right up her street.

Author's Response: Yay! Awesome review! *hugs* When I read through and posted this chapter (I wrote it two or three months ago) I was kind of "yay, it's THAT chapter" because I remembered loving writing it. One of my personal favourites (because let's admit it, everyone has favourite chapters in their own work).

All right fine, I actually keep forgetting how cruel I am to Hermione. It seems I'm also capable of being cruel to my characters. I thought of killing off the Grangers suddenly one night and first of all sat there in shock at the idea then started cackling as I realised just how evil an idea it was.

Some are born evil, some achieve evilness, and some have evilness thrust upon them... I'm working on it, OK?

If rainbows, fluffy bunnies, and baby unicorns have no effect (as per last night's conversation), maybe making you laugh will instead..?

Ron is the comic relief. There's more to him than that, but he's always a good source of amusement. Ron goofing around all the time, and Hermione pretending to disapprove but being entertained really. He doesn't have to bother being sensible, because Hermione is sensible enough for both of them!

Who are Juniors? Primary school tends to be split into two groups, the infants (reception to year 2, age 4-7) and the juniors (years 3-6, age 7-11).

Yep, Hugo thought werewolves. Which is rather different to what the rest of the class was thinking of. There's how atrociously they're treated, but perhaps his first thought would be the simple concept of the fact that they're dangerous. He certainly wouldn't have been raised to hate them, but he may well have picked up on the fact that they're generally considered dark and are very dangerous.

We used to have twenty or so spellings to learn, particularly in later years split into levels so some people did harder ones and some easy depending on how well they'd scored on previous tests.

Thank you! I love classroom scenes, and writing younger (pre-Hogwarts) children. I think I started with 6-year-old Remus in Bitten, who was amazing to write, and now I've got Hugo and his class.

Oh yes, Hugo and friends enjoy death and destruction very much, but in an innocent kind of way. I think blowing up the world is kinder to the characters than torturing them like we do, really. And I think my brother and I ended our fair share of role-plays and board games with wanton destruction (usually involving a large teddy bear wandering across the board or an earthquake shaking it so that the pieces went everywhere) when we got bored of playing (or were losing).

Yeah, blowing up the world is cliche and unoriginal. UNLESS, of course, the person responsible escapes somehow and is the only one to do so. Now THAT would be cruel. (If that's how your series ends... I'll be very disappointed in you.)


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Review #66, by MargaretLaneMy Not-So-Imaginary Fiend: XIII: Knowledge is Power

17th August 2014:
*laughs at them taking her trainers* (Or runners, we'd say here, but that's beside the point, really.) One way of making sure she doesn't break the rules, I guess.

She studied a whole YEAR'S worth of work in a subject and still had time left over. Fair play to her.

Aw, that's both kind of sweet and kind of sad, that she's thinking about how it'd affect her parents if she died.

I actually LOVE the way you are showing an adoptive family where the issues aren't of the "you're not my REAL parents" or "you don't love me as much as you would if you'd given birth to me" type. Her adoption is relevant, as it takes place as the result of her birth mum's death and also means her parents have no idea about Benjamin's history, as her birth parents might (well, her birth mum would and her birth dad MAY if her birth mum ever mentioned it), but it doesn't dominate the story. Being adopted is just normal for her.

If I were her, I'd be deciding pretty firmly not to have children. I doubt breaking the curse is that simple, but I'd DEFINITELY be planning to try it.

And later in the chapter she considers just that. I guess she's bound to.

Maybe marrying a Muggle is her best bet, as he said she wouldn't get pregnant then, but again, I doubt it'd work that easily. He'd probably mess with the marriage or something. Or worse.

And he is trying to make friends with her again and doesn't seem to realise that telling her he's going to kill her might JUST make her less willing to befriend him.

In a way though, I find it hard to judge him. He has been created as he is and in a way, it seems like he doesn't really WANT to hurt any of the family or at least, only wants to hurt certain members of it. He just is what he is. The real Benjamin must have been truly evil, but I think the current version is simply doing what he was created to do. Not that he's not extremely nasty, but I'm not sure how much free will he has.

And he has figured out the whole Scabbers/Peter Pettigrew thing. Even if it was only for a second and he doesn't really believe it. Interesting.

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Review #67, by MargaretLanePainting Over: Painting Over

11th August 2014:
Hmm, the summary of this is intriguing.

I like the way you keep the suspense going, telling us the pain is just psychological but not telling us immediately what it is that has traumatised her.

*laughs at her having most respect for the nail painting spell*

The part in brackets sounds kind of awkward though. "One of the spells of which she held with the utmost respect." It'd probably sound better to say, "one of the spells for which she had the utmost respect" or "one of the spells she'd most respect for."

I also feel you overuse Rita's name a bit. It would probably sound better if you replaced some of them with "she", especially as she's the only character in this story and there is no danger of confusion as to who you're speaking about.

Love the line about the universe being cruel and the if onlys being cold reality.

I also like the way she returns to normal after that, showing how she feels the facade must continue, no matter how bad she feels.

Author's Response: Hi there! Yep, gonna fix that line, it is pretty awkward. Never really thought I was overusing "Rita", but at that time I had little Posy and Faina (my inspiration for this was from The Snow Child by Eowyn Ivey) running through my mind, so I'll fix that too. Thanks for the super sweet review!

-Meena


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Review #68, by MargaretLaneInside: Inside

10th August 2014:
I've been looking at both this and your Azkaban story for a while and thinking "must read when I get a chance", so I'm finally getting around to this one.

I wonder can he speak so they can understand him. They don't seem to respond to what he says.

Actually, my gran is in an old people's home and they used do art, which was basically colouring in pictures and she started joking about how she's "back in the babies' class" and she'll be "going up to High Infants next." (High Infants is the second year in Irish primary schools, when the kids are 5/6.) Haven't heard her mention it in a while now. I think the staff now know what activities she enjoys and don't bother her about things they've figured out she's not interested in.

*laughs at his comment that broomsticks fly silently unless somebody on them is screaming*

And you've confirmed my suspicion with the comment about the words being caught inside his head. Yi-i-ikes, that must be frustrating.

And ooh, the ending is creepy. And kind of sad, that he died without ever getting to communicate as he'd wanted.

Author's Response: Yay! *hugs* This was a lovely surprise to find when I got home from holiday.

You've been looking at the stories with psychologically messed-up characters. They are my favourites. :)

Bode isn't the nicest of guys, and being treated like a small child... doesn't suit him at all. Especially as he can't argue. Yep, that's right, he doesn't actually have control over his body. He's trapped in his own head. That would be very frustrating.

And he died right as he figured it out. I can do cruel occasionally! :P

Thank you again!


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Review #69, by MargaretLaneAlbus Potter and the Sinister Semester: Discovery

10th August 2014:
Again, some of the dialogue isn't broken up into sentences, like Lily's words to Scorpius should read more like this: "This is not the end of the world. He'll understand. The sorting hat doesn't make mistakes."

You also need full stops after "Scorpius" in the first sentence and after "affectionately" in the second.

I'm now wondering where Rose has been sorted. It sounds like she's not in Gryffindor as there's no mention of her being in the common room. Unless she's just not that friendly with Albus and Lily.

The letter from Hagrid should be divided into separate sentences too.

Sprout must have been at Hogwarts more than 22 years. 19 have passed since the final battle at this point and Harry was at school nearly 7 years by that stage, so that's 26 years, even if Harry's first year was her first too.

I do like the way you let us know Ms. Foster is comparatively new too. It's a natural way for it to come up and doesn't sound at all forced. I'm interested to see what she's like now too. I always like to see new teachers, as I think I already said.

You've captured Firenze's speech patterns really well, I think.

You've written that the centaurs' last warning was to "let everybody about the second war with He Who Must Not Be Named." I'm assuming it should be to "let everybody KNOW about the last war."

It will be interesting to see where you go from here, whether people will figure out immediately that she's been murdered or if they'll assume it was an accident or something.

Author's Response: In my haste I never actually thought about Sprouts time as a Professor, I also mixed up Lily and Rose it was always meant to be Rose but I confused them. I always have trouble with my sentence structure and that is the main thing I am working on, thank you so much for your feedback it means a lot to me

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Review #70, by MargaretLaneAlbus Potter and the Sinister Semester: A Sorting of Sorts

10th August 2014:
Hmm, the title of this chapter already has me intrigued. "A Sorting 'of Sorts'" That kind of indicates that it's not going to be a normal sorting.

Oh, and I forgot to say in my review of the last chapter that I've a feeling Scorpius may not end up in Slytherin, since Draco is so sure he will. And it would definitely make the story interesting if he doesn't, as it would be rather interesting to see how Draco and Astoria react. So far, I get the impression they wouldn't react well.

I love sorting chapters, as they often give a hint as to what the characters are going to be like and where the author is going with the story. Plus I love the slight suspense and the possibility of surprises.

I like the way you clarify what happens to their luggage.

*laughs at his surprise that there are only about fifty people at each table* I'd imagine 200 teens could make quite a lot of noise.

I find it a little surprising the staff table is longest when there's only about 15 people sitting at that and fifty at each of the others, with about another ten to come when the first years join them. Of course, people are only sitting at one side of that, but that's still only half of what will be at either side of each of the others, give or take.

I think the British tend not to use the term "principal". I've heard a few English people say it sounds American and Hogwarts is old-fashioned, so I'd imagine it would use the traditional British terms.

I like the way McGonagall still feels that in some ways, she can't live up to Dumbledore and continues to refer to him even nearly 20 years after she's become Headmistress. It fits with the relationship which existed between the two of them.

Does Filch still have the same cat or does he call all his cats Mrs. Norris?

Shouldn't Scorpius have been sorted before Albus and Lily as "M" comes before "P" in the alphabet?

Author's Response: Once again in haste I never thought about how many actual students attend Hogwarts but in a future chapter that I had in mind would address that. Mrs Norris is still the same cat. I put Scorpius sorting last to end the chapter on a cliff hanger

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Review #71, by MargaretLaneAlbus Potter and the Sinister Semester: Nerves

10th August 2014:
The first paragraph or two of this could do with some editing. There are a number of formatting, spelling and grammatical errors. All small things that a recheck would easily fix. For example, you've no commas in the first sentence, and you've put a full stop at the end of the dialogue, when the sentence continues beyond that. It should be written as, "Rose, if you do not get up now, we will miss the train and you know how your mother loves punctuality," her father shouted up the stairs.

Hmm, that's interesting, that her Muggle grandparents are still living in Australia. I guess that's why they're a touchy subject; it sounds like they chose to stay there even after Hermione restored their memories. Or maybe there is family tension over the fact she did that without their consent. Really interested to know exactly what passed between them. I like the fact you've shown consequences to that actually. I've never seen it done before and it DOES make sense, as it could be a pretty controversial decision.

Also LOVE the way you show Rose worrying about living up to her mother's reputation. Hermione IS quite a lot to live up to.

I also like the way we get to see Rose's point of view and also the way you characterise her so far.

In the dialogue between Ginny and her sons, you haven't divided things up into sentences. It should be:
"'Oh, thank goodness you're awake. Here's your breakfast,' Ginny said, as she plopped a mound of food in front of her younger son.
Albus groaned and pushed the plate away.
'What's wrong? I made your favourite,' she said, a little hurt.
'Nothing, Mum. It's just I'm a little nervous.'
James tutted and rolled his eyes.
'Less of that, James. As I recall, you wouldn't leave your father's side until the train nearly left the station. It's OK to be nervous, Al. Everybody gets a bit nervous; it's normal, but once you're on the Express with Lily, you'll realise it's one big adventure and you'll have the time of your life.'"

Sorry, I got a bit carried away there.

I'm also wondering why Lily is going on the Express if this is Albus's first year. Have you changed the birth order from the books?

Aw, that's nice about her getting a clock like her parents' from her mother for her wedding anniversary. I like that detail.

Again, I really don't think Draco'd use the word "semester", especially when the Hogwarts year is divided up into the traditional three terms.

I do really like the way you've portrayed the relationship between Scorpius and his parents in just a few lines. I could almost FEEL the coldness between them. Sounds like Scorpius is far from the pampered little prince his father was.

And I also LOVE the idea of Astoria being a teacher at Hogwarts. I'm always interested to see new teachers and it's also interesting to see the careers and other details people give to various characters who are only names or who we only knew as Hogwarts students. I'm looking forward to seeing what she's like as a teacher. Considering how cold and stern she appears to be with her own son (even without meeting her, we get the impression she is in complete agreement with her husband), I'd imagine she's not going to be much fun as a teacher either.

Author's Response: Yes I mixed up Lily and Rose, and honestly I do not even know why I chose semester instead of term as I am from Ireland and we call them terms as well. I always wondered what Draco would have been like as a parent, thanks so much for your words, it means more than you know to me. I am working on my grammar and sentence structure as well

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Review #72, by MargaretLaneAlbus Potter and the Sinister Semester: Seer, farewell

10th August 2014:
This would probably be a hard thing to change, but the title of this story seems a little out of place, since Hogwarts has terms, not semesters, like most if not all, British schools.

*laughs at "I already knew that" as a title of a book* Sounds like something Trelawney'd have all right.

You build up suspense well. I've an eerie feeling something bad is going to happen to Trelawney, but what it is, I don't know. I'm intrigued both as to what the vision she's been having is of and who the footsteps belong to. I've a feeling the person means her no good.

Oh, you've said, "the attic classroom in which she'd inhabited." The word "in" shouldn't be in that sentence.

And one "she" has a capital "h" in it. And also, there's a capital "Y" in Sybil at one point.

And it seems so characteristic of Trelawney that even as danger approaches her, she seems half-pleased to know it proves her predictions correct. She seems, in canon, to almost enjoy the thought of disaster, so this does seem like her.

I find it interesting she's more worried about not being able to warn others than she is about what happens to her. It gives a depth to her character we don't see in canon, which makes sense as in the books, we see her from the point of view of somebody who thinks of her as a bit of a joke and is unlikely to be aware of how she really feels deep down.

I think it is completely believable that she would have been aware of this, yet apparently have done nothing to prevent it, as she seems to believe very much that predictions of disaster are impossible to change and must also know many people don't take her seriously and probably wouldn't believe her if she told them what she'd been seeing.

It's kind of sad really, that she had that warning and we know from canon that predictions AREN'T necessarily going to come true, but that nobody moved to try and prevent this. Not surprising, but sad.

Yikes, and she drinks it, even knowing what's in it, rather than calling for help.

I wonder who the assailant is and why they appear in her room. Surely it would make sense to be as far away as possible when she drinks that, both so she won't suspect it's been tampered with (as most people wouldn't drink it knowing that) and to make it less likely suspicion will fall on them. Unless of course, they wanted to be sure she drank it and were planning something else if she didn't.

Hmm, which raises the question of how they knew exactly when she'd have a sherry. Sounds like it's somebody who knows her well. Another member of staff, perhaps.

You've written, "may as well, I supposed." It should be, "I suppose."

Very dramatic first chapter. You certainly give us an exciting beginning. Really interesting to see where this is going. My first theory is that the villain thinks she might predict their future actions or that she HAS made a prediction about their plan that nobody's taken seriously, but that they are worried people might begin to believe once they begin to put it in action and people see similarities between what she predicts and what is actually going on.

Author's Response: first and foremost I would like to thank you so much for all of your reviews, I was very nervous about putting my idea out there and I am the first to admit that I am not perfect but your reviews are so helpful to me and you tell me my mistakes in such a nice manner, I am really trying to learn from this first fan fiction and all your words I will more than take on board, thanks so much and forgive my greeness.

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Review #73, by MargaretLaneActions Speak Louder than Words: Beautiful: Scorpius POV

10th August 2014:
Yikes, you update quickly. *grins*

This is REALLY nitpicky, but "said she would just wait for you down there" sounds pretty formal for casual conversation. "...said she'd just wait for you down there" might sound more natural. There are a few other places too where contractions might make things sound more natural.

I like the fact you continue to make reference to their injuries. Stuff like that is easy to forget, or to omit, feeling it will get repetitive and it's not really realistic that they would never be mentioned again. It makes far more sense that they WOULD be thinking about them, as they are here.

I also really like the sentence where he feel tears in his eyes. Somehow you write that in such a way that one can really feel his helplessness and sadness over everything that's happened.

Hmm, that's an interesting distinction, how Rose looks at the injury differently when working as a Healer. It shows her professionalism - that she is able to put aside her relationship to the injured and her worries about them and just concentrate on her job. And she thinks she isn't strong!

Again, I think "she told me we'd a bond most people wait an entire lifetime for" might sound more natural than "she told me that we had a bond that most people wait an entire lifetime for."

I'll admit I'm not a great fan of romantic stuff or of physical description, which this chapter contains a lot of (I tend to skim the battle scenes in Harry Potter and just wait for Dumbledore's explanation of what was basically going on), but that's just personal preference and I do see the importance of this chapter and how it shows Scorpius and Rose beginning to get over all the things that stand between them - their family histories, both of their traumas, his worry that he might be pushing her into something she's not ready for - and realising they need each other and can help each other. So while it's not exactly my favourite chapter, I do see that it's a significant one.

Author's Response: Hello!

Work has been a bit lighter the past few months, so I've had time to update at a more regular pace. I don't think I'll be able to keep it up through the fall, though :(.

I've been trying to make a more concerted effort to look at my dialogue - specifically the contractions, and I 100% appreciate the feedback on this.

Forgetting about injuries or birth dates and all the other little details is also a pet peeve of mine, so I try really hard to maintain accuracy.

Yeah, Rose is a top Healer. I can't believe that she doesn't see how strong she is either - sheesh Rose!

Haha - I was actually going to PM you and warn you about this chapter - but you read it before I had a chance. I knew it wasn't your cup of tea, but I REALLY appreciate the review. I can promise you that we're done with the mushy stuff for a bit!

Thanks again!

Beth


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Review #74, by MargaretLaneRainfall: A Haunted House

9th August 2014:
*laughs at Hermione insisting on everybody saying "pardon" rather than "what" and Ron constantly forgetting*

*also laughs at Ron muttering about getting Draco back* Ron...really hasn't changed.

You written Hermione as saying "good think I keep dittany." I think you meant "good thing".

I actually laughed out loud at the comment that Hermione'd hardly poke Ron if he were dying. True, that.

I also laughed at the part about Dad and Aunt Ginny not being normal even for wizards and none of the Weasleys being normal apart from Rose and Hugo, even though he may not be normal, but he's weird in a different way. Actually, since I have to have a story for everything, it reminds me a little of when I was at college and we'd this lecturer, who used to sing rebel songs related to what we were studying and one day she asked some of the international students about how things were different in their home countries and they said their lecturers wouldn't do that and she was like, "well, normal lecturers don't over here either." *laughs* I mean rebel songs are an awesome source for Irish history and all and a brilliant way of remembering place names and dates, so it wasn't completely random.

This story seems to have Harry rather more traumatised by past events than I usually see, which makes sense.

*laughs I used to make up those kind of things as a kid too* But I guess since Hugo is blind, people would be likely to come to all kinds of theories about it symbolising his anxiety about not being aware of what's around him or something.

Ohhh, the mention of the Tudors having houses like it makes it sound so ENGLISH.

*laughs at Ron and Ginny being determined not to grow up*

Author's Response: *hugs* Thank you so much, for another awesome review! I was going to respond straight away, but you know... I didn't (surprise surprise). :P

Haha, I love writing Ron and Hermione. I don't go in for romance but I listed them as a pairing in the summary because I realised whilst writing them how perfect they are together! The main characters were supposed to be Hugo, Lily, and Rose. The adults - especially Hermione - are turning out to be more important.

Fixed that, thanks. I write "thing" as "think" ALL THE TIME. It's annoying.

You do have a story for everything.

I don't think anyone's normal, but Ron and Ginny don't care about pretending! You can spend years hiding that you like unusual things or feel like singing at random moments or are seriously into Harry Potter, and then maybe in the end you realise that actually there's no reason to hide it, so you just burst into song when you feel like it and geek out over Harry Potter. And it's easier when there are two of you, so Ron and Ginny give each other confidence to mess around and be themselves. And of course none of the Weasleys are normal, even for wizards! They're crazy and awesome.

Harry being traumatised. Admittedly not my favourite sub-plot to write, but it all ties in to later events. Probably. Provided the story cooperates (yeah, that's a big if). But I do think it makes sense for him to be pretty badly affected by what he went through.

Following our conversation last night, I am not surprised that you made up that kind of thing as a kid. *laughs* I'm not convinced it suggests that such behaviour is normal, anyway. :P I think Hermione wouldn't like to think he was afraid like that - or to know about his slightly morbid imagination. She wouldn't feel it was the kind of thing a kid Hugo's age should be coming up with, however normal it is really.


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Review #75, by MargaretLaneDeath on the First: Chapter Two

9th August 2014:
Okay, I am taking note of who's been mentioned in the third person, but I doubt it'll help, as I've a feeling you'll have to make the villain refer to themselves in the third person, as it would be pretty difficult to mention everybody else by name and the villain in 1st person without making it obvious. Especially if the killer does kill a couple more people. It might be possible to hide the person's identity among nine people, but if it gets down to about six, one person never being mentioned by name would probably be obvious.

Hmm, this really makes it sound as if it's not Michael or Lavender as the villain says Michael said that "to me" and they are speaking ABOUT Lavender and Michael would hardly speak about Lavender TO her.

Yikes, this villain really does seem like a psychopath. "Her best friend has been killed, but that can't be helped". As if murder is no big deal.

Hmm, this sounds like the villain, whoever he or she is, hasn't intended to kill Lavender, so it's not just that they want to kill everybody there. Interesting.

The comment that Theo doesn't know it's him or her seems to imply they are not the same person. Plus Theo was talking to him or her and he or she mentioned glaring at Theo, so he seems unlikely. If it were just the mention of Theo not knowing it's them, I might think it could be a case of duel personality, but as it is, he seems unlikely.

Hmm, that part about poisoning being a woman's weapon makes it seem like the villain is a woman. After all, if they were a man, that'd be a good thing; put the Aurors off the scent. Of course, it COULD also be a misogynist who wouldn't want to do anything "feminine". And that would fit with the fact that both the first victim and the person they've thought of adding in to their plan are female. But "it would make me seem more likely" would be my immediate interpretation.

There has now only been one character who hasn't been mentioned by name, I think. I won't say who, so as not to influence what anybody else thinks. And it is POSSIBLE I've missed a mention of this person. I think there must be a trick in here somewhere though, as I doubt you'd make it that obvious.

I wasn't exactly EXPECTING that ending, but it doesn't exactly surprise me, as the killer had implied he or she was planning further murders and the sister of the murder victim seems likely. Padma herself even SUGGESTED she might be the next victim.

What does surprise me is how she died. That seemed like poison, which the killer ruled out as a method. So how did he or she arrange for somebody to drop dead at the dinner table with everybody watching. I guess it could be magic, but...

Author's Response: Haha, you're very suspicious of me and the way that I'm writing this! Not that you don't have reason to be, since I'm trying to make it mysterious for as long as possible :P You're right about the killer's identity being harder to conceal among fewer people, though!

Your comments on the different characters that appear here are really interesting. It's so intriguing to read everyone's reasoning behind different characters.

I really can't say too much in these review responses and I feel like I'm replying awfully, but I don't want to give the game away! The way that she dies might be significant but I can't comment on the gender of the killer at this point!

Thank you very much for this review! I'm so pleased that you're still enjoying the story, and there'll be some answers coming up in the last two chapters!


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