Reading Reviews From Member: MargaretLane
  
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Review #26, by MargaretLaneHere And Now: Chapter 2

18th March 2015:
Molly sounds like SUCH a chip off the old block. You've only just introduced her and already we have a pretty clear idea of her personality, or at least how James views her, which might not be synonymous with reality.

Fair play to her for not letting the fact SHE'S in Gryffindor bias her. It is a problem with the prefect system at Hogwarts, that prefects have an incentive to let their own housemates away with things and to punish students from other houses unnecessarily.

Yes, yes I can blame him for hating cats for all the reasons that make them awesome.

"Something akin to an infatuation with me" would sound better than "something akin to infatuation with me."

Jamie a girl's name? OK, googling says it's been used as a girl's name since the 1990s, especially in the U.S. and Canada, but I still wouldn't expect an English kid to think of it that way, when it's been a guy's name longer and is more popular for boys than girls. And teachers would DEFINITELY not assume it's a girl, unless they are trying so hard to remember the modern use of the name and not make assumptions that they go too far to the opposite extreme and assume it must be the opposite of what they'd naturally expect.

*laughs at James daydreaming through the sorting even though his brother is about to be sorted* It's a good way of getting quickly to the relevant part though.

I LOVE James's asides like "who has yellow eyes?" and that he'd never get used to calling Neville "Professor Longbottom". It seems like the real way people think, rambling off into sidelines and so on.

"I'm just saying, wasn't Goyle the kid who's mum swore that she'd disown him in he ended up in any House apart from Slytherin?" I think it should be "whose mum" since it's not short for "who is" or "who has".

Atticus sounds like a pretty annoying and judgmental person.

OK, I didn't really expect that. I would have expected Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw for your Albus actually.

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Review #27, by MargaretLaneHere And Now: Chapter 1

18th March 2015:
Aw, poor Albus. Running through the barrier for the first time can't be easy.

And I LOVE the comparison between James and a banshee.

Your comparisons in general are really good actually. I like the one between Ginny and a demon too.

Albus comes across as a rather dramatic kid here. "James was doomed."

You use James's name rather a lot. In some cases, it might sound better if you used "he".

I also think Ginny would PROBABLY say "is this how your father and I raised you?" rather than "is this how Harry and I raised you?" Parents tend not to use the other parent's first name to the children, but then this is probably a family specific thing, so I'm being rather nit-picky.

And I doubt an English family would talk about "vacations".

LOVE the interaction between James and Lily. And I LOVE the way you describe her "superb acting skills" It really gives us an insight into the character and lets us get to know her.

And hmm, it sounds like something pretty interesting is going on with Ginny. I assume it's going to be connected to the plot of the story, but how I'm not sure. If it were Harry, I'd assume something was going on in the Auror offices, but Ginny doesn't seem likely to have a connection with anything major.

I like the part about Harry having suffered severe PTSD. It makes sense that the war would have effects on people's mental health and it's nice to see that recognised.

Something really DOES seem to be bothering Ginny though. I'm intrigued.

Looks like Scorpius and Al might become friends here. That could get interesting further down the line. Imagine Lucius Malfoy's reaction if he found out his grandson had befriended a Potter.

*sighs* Zoey and Scorpius both seem to have some stereotypical views on girls for 11 year olds. When WE were eleven, we were totally of the opinion girls could do anything boys could do and that stereotypes like that were TOTALLY out of date. And you'd think the stereotypes would be less common in the wizarding world, where women seem to do the same jobs as men and have done so for centuries. But these ideas just seem impossible to get rid of.

And he honestly thinks it's a compliment to say she's not like all those other girls, rather than admitting his views on girls might be inaccurate. I hope he learns as he gets older.

I am looking forward to seeing what houses they are sorted into.

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Review #28, by MargaretLaneJigsaw: Piece #5

17th March 2015:
LOVE the description of London at the beginning of this chapter.

Hmm, I wonder who this guy in the skyscraper is. Sounds like it's SOMEBODY in Conjuring Communications. Probably not Armstrong, but even THAT, I wouldn't COMPLETELY rule out. I assume this is the office of Conjuring Communications though, so it seems IMPROBABLE Armstrong would be there, although if he IS missing of his own account, it would be POSSIBLE for him to Floo or Apparate in without being seen. Unlikely though, as it'd be quite a risk.

And I wonder who have come for him - Hit wizards or the villains. Either is possible. If he's one of Armstrong's colleagues, particularly if he's Upton (there is a song about the "Lonely Woods of Upton" by the way), it is quite probable the Hit Wizards would want to question him. But it is also possible the villains may intend abducting more than one person.

I am sort of getting the impression it's the villains, but I guess we'll find out soon enough if somebody else disappears mysteriously. I sort of doubt the Hit Wizards would be that menacing, not without strong reasons to believe this guy IS involved in something criminal.

If they ARE villains, it seems like the man mentioned knows something.

And we're getting to meet more cousins. Yay.

Hmm, that part about people suspecting the Hit Wizards are about to question Upton makes it possible it is them in the first part of the story. Or maybe they'll go to speak with him and find he's disappeared too. Either way, I'm starting to think the man mentioned at the start might be him.

Or maybe that's what you WANT us to think. I have to keep in mind that you took care not to mention his name too. That indicate he might not be who we think he is.

Hmm, I'm starting to wonder if there's a reason Jane is avoiding her. You've tied it closely to the Armstrong story, so perhaps she knows something. Or perhaps she's just jealous that Roxanne's career is progressing. Or perhaps it's all coincidence. I must remember not to ignore her as a possible suspect though.

I'm also pretty suspicious of Daniel. It's clear there's something he's not telling her and it's quite possible he got involved in something dodgy.

I wonder if Fred knows about how Daniel was treating her all along. That strikes me as a good deal worse than just dancing with another guy.

LOVE the fact Lily's a Hit Wizard. I've read SO many stories where any combination of Albus, James, Scorpius, Hugo, Teddy and so on are Aurors and Lily and Rose are something like Healers or work in the Ministry. Not that there's anything wrong with the latter jobs, but I just feel like "why can't Lily ever be an Auror?" And this is close enough.

I actually like the fact the characters involved are Hit Wizards rather than Aurors too, as they rarely seem to appear in stories.

Poor Roxanne. But she really is pretty young. She has LOADS of time to meet the person she'll settle down with. Or to get back with Daniel if that's what's right for them both.

But I guess it's not going to feel that way immediately after a break up.

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Review #29, by MargaretLaneRiddikulus: Riddikulus

17th March 2015:
*grins* I was thinking the aftermath of the war would be pretty stressful for Minerva McGonagall. After all, the guy who was her mentor for so many years had been killed, she presumably takes over as Headmistress, attempting to fill his shoes and she's spent the past year watching students being tortured, with her ability to protect them severely curtailed. She's a very strong person, but I think that would tax anybody.

I've never read a story about her feelings in that situation before, so delighted to see this.

I hadn't expected the boggart to turn into that, but now that I think about it, I should have. I did always feel she'd think she left Dumbledore down by not doing more to protect the students from the Carrows and in the Battle of Hogwarts.

Gosh, how could you make that amusing?

When the boggart-Dumbledore says, "Minerva, how could you?" there should probably be a comma after "Minerva".

And oh gosh, the way he sounds disappointed rather than angry. I can well imagine that would be far more upsetting, especially since if he sounded angry, it would be a reminder this wasn't really him, since I think she would know Dumbldore wouldn't react like that. Of course, she knows it's not him anyway, but when it replicates his so understanding, more in sadness than in anger tone, it must be harder to distinguish between the reality and what she is seeing.

The description of Lavender sent shivers down my spine.

I like how solicitous and understanding Winky is towards her.

And McGonagall's laughter at Winky's puzzlement. At least she can still laugh, despite everything.

LOVE Winky referring to the boggart as "the Changer". That sounds JUST like something a house elf would say.

And I like Minerva's comment about how it doesn't feel like lies. I think it makes a lot of sense it'd feel that way. She's had a pretty tough time.

LOVED this story. 10 out of 10.

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Review #30, by MargaretLaneShackles of Fear: Shackles of Fear

17th March 2015:
In the first line, you've written "full grow phobia." Should it be "full grown"?

It is a pretty intriguing line though. Of course, people can fear anything, but I'm guessing it is going to have some relevance and it definitely sets an ominous tone to the beginning of the story.

You set the tone really well actually.

Oooh, that part about the monsters' claws turning into wands, as his fears become more realistic sent shivers down my spine.

Yikes, thinking you've gone blind would be so, so scary. Even without a fear of the dark. With that, he must be absolutely terrified.

Wow, I love the way you portray his fear. It seems so realistic. And the part about the choked sob is so emotive. It really makes me feel for him.

And the end is so depressing, as he believes there is a way out of this when we know there's not.

Yikes, if he was dealing with this kind of fear, his voluntary participation in the Battle of Hogwarts becomes even more admirable.

Actually, a bit of an aside, but apparently in the 1916 Rising, which we'll commemorate the centenary of next year, some of the younger boys in Pearse's school snuck into Dublin city centre to try and help. Thankfully, none of THEM were killed.

Excellent story. You really make me feel for him. I am in utter awe of how well you portray how he is feeling.

10 out of 10.

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Review #31, by MargaretLaneTantrum: Tantrum

17th March 2015:
I've decided to review a story or two of yours, mostly because there are a few that sound really awesome, and also because you're so fantastic about reviewing everybody else.

LOVE the introductory paragraphs. They sound so authentic for a child's voice and I can TOTALLY imagine Fred and George trying to trying a younger sibling up as an apprentice, so to speak.

And I'm not sure they did such a bad job. Ginny seems like she's capable of a few pranks in canon.

"Tantrums" shouldn't have an apostrophe before the "s" as it's not a possessive.

Youngest kids can get away with so much if they get upset. Everybody thinks the older ones MUST have been mean to them, and if the older ones try complaining about the younger ones being mean, they just get, "ah, she didn't know any better," or "sure, what could she do?" or "did you do something to her first?"

And poor Ron. The older kids won't let him play with them, so he's stuck with his baby sister.

I love the idea of Ginny being protective of him. It seems in character for her.

You've a couple of paragraphs with no spaces between them in the middle.

The comment about Molly having superpowers amused me. Mummy-powers.

*laughs at Molly sending Fred and George to Arthur* He's not HALF as scary as she is.

I love the way you write the children and how well you capture their voices.

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Review #32, by MargaretLaneLily Potter And The Lunar Problem: Chapter 3 - Home again

17th March 2015:
Lily does seem a lot better now.

Hmm, Lily seems to be a good Seeker, especially since she's only 11 and just out of hospital. I can see her making her house team in a couple of years - that is if the lycanthropy doesn't prevent it. After all, depending on how you portray her lycanthropy, it is possible she might not be able to play if there were a match shortly before or shortly after the full moon.

I wonder what house she will be in actually. I've a feeling Gryffindor, mainly judging by how well she seems to have coped with her experiences. It takes a fair amount of courage to deal with being attacked, spending time in hospital when you are only eleven, dealing with the transformation and the knowledge you are now a hated Dark creature. Of course, the last might be easier for an 11 year old than somebody older as they might not have developed the ideas somebody older would and knowing of Remus and how respected he is, she might not have really considered how misunderstood and badly treated werewolves really are.

Could they really Floo when they are outside? They'd need a fireplace, after all.

*laughs at Lily sneaking out Albus's extendable ears* I'm surprised he doesn't take them to school with him actually. And he's so annoyed.

"Yanked out and hid by Hugo" doesn't sound quite right. Perhaps it's just British slang I'm not familiar with, but I would have though "hidden by Hugo" would sound better.

Love the part when Ginny stumbles over the reference to Fred and George. It's so natural and sad.

20 Galleons seems like rather a lot of pocket money. I know the conversion is VERY questionable and this is 20 years after the time of canon, when there would presumably have been inflation, but googling seems to indicate a Galleon is worth about £5 or over $7 and £100 pocket money seems rather a lot. Were there any Galleons in the Weasleys' bank account when Harry saw it.

James seems to be into the whole detection area. Everything he bought would be useful in solving any mysteries which might arise at Hogwarts. Though, there probably aren't so many now that Voldemort is truly defeated.

Lily seems to be the typical spoilt youngest child, who always manages to avoid trouble, and I guess her lycanthropy will make that even more true in the future. Who is going to want to get annoyed at a poor kid who's been through so much just before starting Hogwarts?

I do think her lycanthropy seems to have been neglected a little in this chapter. I would imagine she'd have some anxiety still, especially about starting school and what her classmates would think if they found out and stuff. While I do think it's realistic to show life going on and her continuing to plan pranks and so on, I do think she would be somewhat changed by her experiences, at least for a while.

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Author's Response: For the matter of the fireplace, they flooed back from Hugo's house. I was assuming that the potter family had become very rich over the years, so hence the money. For the most of this chapter, Lily was caught up in stuff and was able to forget about her lycanthropy for then.

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Review #33, by MargaretLaneAlbus Potter and the Pureblood's Secret: James's Return

17th March 2015:
Happy St. Patrick's day.

Some of our politicians are probably over in New York actually, on the annual exodus.

*laughs* Yeah, I hadn't thought about that. Who'd believe a guy caught in a crime over somebody as well known as Burke.

*laughs at Rose objecting to the assumption all girls want to go to Madame Puddifoot's* Why doesn't that surprise me?

Yeah, I really don't think it'd be a good idea for Matt to drink.

And I think Matt in particular should understand about James needing the Marauder's Den, although, on the other hand, he might be worried about anybody else using it. I don't think John and Kaden would mind, not when it's James, who is hardly likely to care what they are plotting.

And people shouting like that, with his headaches, was never going to end well.

*laughs* The whole paperwork taking forever is pretty much the same here. Though of course, they have to process applications from hundreds of schools here, whereas wizarding Britain only has one.

I'm not surprised James is considering leaving school. Even under normal circumstances, I doubt his exams would be his top priority. And now...

And James's description of how he feels reminds me of the Spoon Theory. I don't know if you've read it.

Aw, I really like the last line.

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Review #34, by MargaretLaneJust Breathe: Dominique's Second Diary Entry

16th March 2015:
Yay, another chapter of Dominique.

*laughs* Yeah, I can't imagine Luna being called "aunt" somehow, especially by kids she isn't even related to.

Aw, poor Dominique, thinking she was stupid because she said something that upset people, when she couldn't have known it would. She clearly blames herself WAY too easily.

And Ginny has the right idea about diaries!? Wonder if Dominique is familiar with the background there.

Aw, and she thinks her grandparents would hate her if they knew she went to the graveyard for reasons other than to honour Fred. I REALLY don't think that's true.

And she even worries about people seeing her "mess up" when she's knitting. She clearly has a lot of self-esteem issues. Poor girl.

LOVE the idea of Mrs. Weasley working for Madame Malkin's and her jumpers becoming famous because Harry, Ron, the twins and so on wore them.

And that seems like a good job for Dominique. I think a job might do her good. It might help take her mind off things and give her some confidence if things went well.

*laughs* I remember being in my early twenties and thinking, "I should be more independent. Should I really still be at college when I'm 23?" And now, looking back, finishing at 21, finishing at 23 - it really doesn't make that much difference.

And of course, there's no reason she can't apply for Arithmancy jobs later on, even if she does take this job now. After all, she's probably got about 60+ years of working life left, considering what we see in canon. But it never feels like that when you first leave school or college.

I hope she finds something right for her, something she'll enjoy.

Author's Response: Wow, you really write the most wonderful reviews!

And ooops, I just looked at my response for you last review, and apparently I wrote that I'd write about other reasons that Dom went to Beauxbatons in this chapter... and then I didn't. It'll be in the chapter I'm writing now, though, I promise! : P

I think the Next Gen kids know a bit about what happened with Ginny and her diary, but not a lot. I think Ginny relates to her trauma by humour, so she'd probably make a lot of jokes about how diaries are bad that the kids would hear and not totally understand.

And yes, poor Dom. I don't know if she ACTUALLY thinks people would hate her if they knew her reasons for going to the cemetery, or saw her mess up at something, but it certainly feels like that to her.

And yay, I'm happy you like the job I gave Molly. I was a bit worried it might seem silly, but I think it combines her more ambitious side with the motherly side she shows to most of the world, and I think that's great for her.

We'll see in the next chapter if Dom takes the job or not. She certainly needs to do SOMETHING that will take her out of the Burrow more... and she'll have the good instinct to talk the issue through with her sister before deciding on anything.

Again, thank for the amazing reviews!

/Kapa


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Review #35, by MargaretLaneJigsaw: Piece #4

15th March 2015:
Ah! I was wondering who she was trying to attract the attention of. His workmates make sense. And of course, they would be expecting questions and might not be too willing to answer.

It must be awful for anybody close to him. There's a good chance at least some of his workmates are worried and the thought of it being news, of being something people read out of interest, probably wouldn't be very pleasant for them.

*laughs at them remembering her and her not remembering them* It makes sense, as kids look up to kids older than them, who often don't even know they exist.

Yeah, I can definitely imagine that taking notes would change something from a chat into something far more serious. I never thought of how a pensieve could be used by journalists, but it DOES seem like it'd make their job easier.

And I'm amused at the idea of Rose working in the legal section, as I've FINALLY decided my Rose is going to pursue a legal career when she leaves Hogwarts.

And hmm, this is interesting. He suddenly starts having interesting ideas, gets promoted and then disappears. I'm guessing there's a connection. Somebody suddenly having A really good idea, fair enough, but suddenly having a string of good ideas, when they don't appear to have had anything out of the ordinary before that - that's interesting. I don't know WHAT the relevance is. Maybe he got those ideas from somewhere, like somebody else was helping him with them or he just straight out stole somebody else's ideas. That'd give somebody a motive for murder. Or maybe one of his ideas threatened somebody in some way. Like introducing Muggle technology to the wizarding world could well put some traditional wizarding technologies out of business, like if somebody is making money out of connecting people to the Floo network or something. Or perhaps he stumbled on some kind of secret.

While everything is relevant, it doesn't seem to me that there's much in that whole Upton thing. Anybody who is promoted a couple of times in quick succession is likely to face some degree of resentment, especially as it's likely he is now higher than some people who were higher than him a year ago. But most people don't get murdered as a result of being promoted. Maybe if Upton was guaranteed Armstrong's job, but even then it would seem extreme. Something like sabotaging him would make more sense. I suspect there's more to this than just jealousy over promotions. And of course, for all we know Upton MAY have more reason to dislike him that these guys don't know about, but on the whole, I don't think he's very PROBABLE, at least not unless more emerges.

I'm guessing, though not certain that the captive is Armstrong. The fact you haven't named names though, makes me wonder. It could be that that's what we're MEANT to think. Armstrong could even be one of the abductors, but for the moment, I'll go with the idea he's PROBABLY the captive.

It looks like this isn't murder anyway, but it also looks like there's some conspiracy going on here. A murder could have a personal motive; THIS looks like something more serious.

The spells they are casting also remain vague. I'm thinking the Cruciatus, but perhaps it is something less common, even something new.

Bonfire night - one of these references that remind me we're in a different country here. Fireworks are illegal here anyway, so you wouldn't see them on sale in shops, but of course, the wizarding world might be different that way.

LOVE the idea of Angelina adding to the business. I can't see George as a businessman really, so having a wife that's skilled at that could be very useful. And I laughed at the hen night stuff.

*laughs at George threatening to stop selling Weasleys products to Ron if he doesn't shut up* I'd imagine that'd work, all right.

I'd be inclined to give "Dad" a capital "d" when it's being used as a title, like when she says "Dad says" rather than "my dad says". Same with "Mum".

It's interesting to see George worrying about his daughter, since nothing ever seemed to worry him in the books, but I guess your kids are different. There's a line in "The Field" about how a particular character was never afraid of anything, until her first child was born.

I like the way George and Angelina take the possibility of Armstrong being dead in their stride, because compared with a dictator taking over the country and torturing people, including teenagers, for fun, more or less, an ordinary murder isn't really that big a deal.

I think Nana Molly would hex them or something if she found out they weren't speaking for weeks on end. She's such a MAMMY. And of course, today being the day that's in it, there is a lot of talk about Mammies.

No, I don't think the ending was rushed and I loved the interactions between George and Angelina.

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Review #36, by MargaretLaneJigsaw: Piece #2

14th March 2015:
You portray the sensory information well, if that doesn't sound too awkward or pretentious. I'm not sure how to express what I'm trying to say, but you really show how she's feeling - sick from the alcohol and the cold of the air and the salty smell.

I love the part about her accompanying reporters in the past. There's almost a sense of isolation about it, as if she felt sidelined on those occasions.

And the shout really sort of cut across what was happening and came almost as a shock. Something is happening here!

*laughs at her not admitting to reading anything other than the Prophet* That line amused me.

Hmm, Daniel seems like he's going to be relevant.

Love the description of how she feels like a vulture. Your writing is really descriptive and I like the way you address the moral dilemma inherent in journalism. Obviously, it's an important profession and it ensures people have access to information that makes things like cover-ups more difficult, but on the other hand, it can cause great upset to people involved. And of course, as a junior reporter, she has pretty much NO say as to how much she'll report, if she wants to progress in her job.

And you give us a fair amount of information about Richard in a few paragraphs. There seems to be a hint of scandal about him, but it seems fairly minor. So far, he doesn't seem a very likely villain.

Hmm, I wonder if he's Pansy's son.

And being noted for being divorced seems somewhat probable in the wizarding world, as few there seem to be.

Ah! Daniel is a hit wizard. *gathers some information*

And I'm now remembering George Bush's reaction to being interviewed by an Irish journalist. He didn't seem to enjoy the experience. It's the part about them having to allow questions they weren't prepared for that reminded me.

Yeah, a grown wizard disappearing doesn't seem to quite merit this level of concern. There must be something more to it.

And I'm now intrigued as to what could have happened between Roxanne and Daniel. It must be fairly serious if the idea that he said something about her jumps to mind, rather than the thought she might have made a faux-pas with her questioning. Of course, people DO sometimes feel fairly strongly of those who've hurt their colleagues, but still, under the circumstances of a possible murder investigation...

Hmm, there's something kind of interesting about Richard - perhaps the difference between his reputation and how seriously he takes his job or perhaps just the detail you've gone into about him. I'm beginning to think he'll play SOME part in this story, beyond that of just a photographer, though whether it's as a suspect or as a possible love interest for Roxanne or what, I don't know. Now that I think of it, maybe it's just THIS case he's serious about. We've no evidence he's serious about his job in general. He might just have specific reasons for wanting to know how much the Hit Wizards know about what's going on here.

Yikes, I didn't expect Daniel to APPEAR.

And I wonder what he means when he says she doesn't want to cover this story. Does he think the guy has just gone off with a girlfriend or something? Or does he just not want to run into Roxanne again? Or has he some nefarious reason for warning her off? At the moment, all those options seem possible. I don't think it's the first though. I think he might be trying to make out it's that, but I think there's something more. Whether it's personal or to do with the story though, I can't guess.

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Review #37, by MargaretLaneWhere Are You?: Exhaustion

13th March 2015:
Poor Rose; the experience has clearly traumatised her pretty badly, understandably. I hope Dobby will be able to help her.

I'm glad her teachers are understanding and realise she's not being lazy; she's just having a really tough time.

And I'm now thinking one of the teachers in my next gen. is needed here - nightmares and lycanthropy are two things they have a bit of an understanding of. This situation would probably be pretty upsetting for them though.

Wow, James seems pretty mature. I'm so used to seeing James as an immature Sirius or Weasley-twins typed character that it's surprising to see a story in which he's so responsible. It's always interesting to see the different ways in which people interpret characters.

I like how understanding he is.

Yikes, I can imagine how horrible it must be for her to think her little brother could die. Between that and the guilt she feels, it's hardly surprising she's having such a tough time.

You've written before "her or any of her cousin's." "Cousins" shouldn't have an apostrophe in it as it's not a possessive and "she" might sound better than "her," as you wouldn't say "before her had been born."

You portray her confusion and trauma really well, particularly in the paragraph where she's afraid she'll throw up the little she's eaten. I can almost feel her hurt. Poor, poor girl.

And if Fred DID hang around as a ghost, I very much doubt he'd remain in hiding for 20 years. He'd be way too busy using his new form to irritate and confuse people and to suggest new ideas for products to George. But it's clear Rose is clutching at straws here, anxious for anything that might help her brother. And of course, she's probably too exhausted to think straight too.

Poor girl. I really hope she gets the help and support she needs.

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Review #38, by MargaretLaneWhere Are You?: Remembering.

13th March 2015:
Oh poor, poor Rose. What happened was an accident. OK, she should have done as her mother said, but she made a mistake. And honestly, so did Hugo, going out of the yard on his own. Things like that happen by luck, but it's hardly surprising that the poor girl would blame herself.

The line "if he hadn't have screamed" sounds kind of odd. "If he hadn't screamed" would probably sound better.

Good on Ron for letting her know she's not to blame. It would be easy to overlook her in their worry over Hugo and honestly, she probably needs support almost as much as he does.

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Review #39, by MargaretLaneJust Breathe: Dominique's First Diary Entry

10th March 2015:
I LOVE her description of them as "Lethifold attacks". It fits the world so well and also gives an indication of how horrible they are for her.

And now I'm wondering why she and Victoire were sent to different schools. It must be hard enough being separated from your parents for months on end. Adding in a separation from siblings seems to make it extra-hard.

I always love to see what careers people give the various next gen characters. I don't think I ever saw Victoire as a journalist before.

Grandma got promoted?! I'm now wondering where Molly works in this. I don't think I've ever seen her portrayed as anything other than a stay at home mum, though of course, witches live so long that she would have plenty of time to return to work after her kids were raised.

And that is SO typical of Percy.

Poor girl. Not knowing what you want to do immediately after leaving school CERTAINLY doesn't make you worthless.

And she's been getting anxiety attacks since childhood? Poor, poor girl.

And there's an indication here as to why she went to Beauxbatons. It sounds like she feels inadequate compared to her older sister. Poor Dominique.

Your portrayal of Victoire is really original. Strangely enough, I've never seen her portrayed anyway like this before. She's usually either sort of snobby and superior or else accomplished and big sisterly.

"Though she'd of course as good-looking as ever." I presume that should be "she's" and it might sound better to put the "of course" before "she's," but that may be just personal preference.

"I'm the one who need to do everything right". Should be "needs."

This is a really awesome first chapter.

I'm sorry for her that she still doesn't feel like herself, though it does make sense. Takes time to get over stuff like that.

Author's Response: Wow, what a lovely surprise this review was!

Haha, I felt really clever when I came up with calling her anxiety attacks 'Lethifold attacks' because I needed to call them SOMETHING but it's a plot point in the story that she doesn't really know what they are, so... Yeah, I'm very happy you enjoyed that name too, yay!

There's actually a bit more to Dominique going to Beauxbatons than what she claims in this chapter... which I am writing about right now, in the second chapter. I'll also explore Molly's job a bit more there, so keep reading, haha! : P

Yeah, poor Dominique. This is not a great time in her life - but she's already working on getting better by writing this journal! Maybe she'll be able to make even more progress! ^.^

And yeah, my Victoire is... weird. I think I was a bit inspired by all the 'punky' Teddy and Vic fanart on Tumblr... but mostly I had come up with the perfect Dominique for this story, and then I needed Victoire to be a foil for her, so I made her very different but still similar enough for Dom to feel inadequate, as you say.

Oh, and thank you for pointing out my grammatical errors! I obviously have a problem with the letter 's', hahaha!

And yeah, just generally thanks a lot for this lovely review it's so nice and made me very excited to write more! I hope you'll like the rest of the story too!

/Kapa


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Review #40, by MargaretLaneNightmare: Chapter 1

10th March 2015:
As both the last chapter I reviewed, and this, are quite short, I thought I'd do two.

Really looking forward to seeing what you do with this as a succubus isn't a creature I've thought that much about.

You seem to have a talent for creating suspense. Again here, we are wondering who the woman he is dreaming of and if she is the succubus and if so, how she will affect him.

That part about him feeling weak makes it seem like there's something pretty odd going on here.

These are interesting characters to focus on too. Theodore and Blaise aren't characters we know much about.

Um, that part about the trance he didn't even know he'd been in is intriguing. I'm guessing he is under some kind of spell or something by the succubus and she is the woman in his dreams, but how or why she is haunting him remains a mystery.

I love the way he seems completely spellbound by her when he actually speaks to her. You really show how he is enthralled, especially since he himself seems completely confused by his behaviour, knowing it's not how he normally behaves and unable to understand what is causing him to act differently than usual.

And of course, if he WERE thinking as normal, he'd probably be a little freaked out by the thought of a woman he'd dreamed of actually appearing in front of him.

Oooh, there's something really creepy about his dreams feeding her. I can't help feeling this will be a most unpleasant experience for Theo. I'm not sure what effect taking his dreams will have on him, but the tone at the end makes it seem really ominous.

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Review #41, by MargaretLaneTell Me This World Is A Lie: Chapter 1

10th March 2015:
OK, this has me intrigued.

Yikes, Rose has died? I'm now wondering if she really has or if that is part of what Hugo is dreaming. Straight away, I'm wondering what's real here and what isn't. My feeling is that it's the world in which Rose is dead that's the fake one, but I'm guessing this is going to leave us somewhat unsure.

I'd be inclined to put a semi colon in "but I can't; this isn't real."

And the comment about how seeing her is breaking his heart, his soul is heartbreaking in and of itself. Such an emotive line.

Gosh, I really love the part that describes his "episodes." You really manage to portray how it feels to him to be trapped in this world and how real it feels to him.

I literally shivered at the part where he touches his hand to his face, trying to make out what is real.

This seems like it would have been such a hard story to write, as you are using the point of view of somebody who is out of touch with reality, but you portray his reality so well and remain completely within his mind and his thoughts.

Yikes, that part about his hands being covered with blood is creepy and it leaves me wondering if they really are or if that is just one more hallucination.

I am left with so many questions here. It's clear Hugo is losing touch with reality, but whether he has some kind of illness like schizophrenia that causes hallucinations or whether something so horrible has happened to him that he's blocking it out or reliving it with these nightmares and hallucinations, I can't tell.

10 out of 10.

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Review #42, by MargaretLaneAlbus Potter and the Pureblood's Secret: The Interrogation

10th March 2015:
Hmm, I wasn't really expecting this title. It seems somewhat out of place with what has been going on in the last couple of chapters, and rather intriguing.

Oh gosh, that's a bit of a dilemma to be in. It's not a good time to raise the subject with James, but it wouldn't be fair to accept the position without asking his opinion, or to refuse it without doing so either.

I suppose it makes things a bit better that at least James had a pretty fair idea the issue would arise. I suppose he was bound to really. With James's love of Quidditch and his loyalty to his team, the question of who would replace him would be bound to be on his mind.

*grins* Extra time and a scribe are two of the "reasonable accommodations" you can get on the Leaving and Junior Certs., so I would imagine the N.E.W.T.S. would be similar. The school has to contact the State Examinations Commission here.

*laughs* I think Harry and Ginny might understand his doing underage magic under the circumstances.

It's a little coincidental that I'm reading Matt's comments about the laws regarding lycanthropy today, as I'm currently working on a chapter in which the laws regarding lycanthropy are being changed.

And yikes, I can't imagine how werewolves are supposed to find somewhere to rent under those conditions. I can't imagine anybody being too anxious to rent to somebody who could do the damage done to the Shrieking Shack, if the Wolfsbane failed, and considering how many werewolves appear to be unemployed or underemployed, it seems like a lot of them MIGHT be in the rental sector.

I can easily imagine why Albus wouldn't want to be a Seeker. It would just be inviting comparison with Harry, the youngest Seeker in was it a century?, Teddy, James. Of course, as a Chaser, he'd probably be compared to Ginny, but since she isn't as well known as "the Boy who Lived" and wasn't at Hogwarts with him, obviously, it's probably not quite as bad.

Hmm, that's a good excuse from Dawlish. Whatever Dawlish's agenda is, I suspect it IS an excuse, but it's a good one. Johnson can hardly argue with that.

Small thing, since we are talking about the wizarding world and who knows what their legal system is like, but the term "plea deal" is sort of American. Pretty sure they don't have the same kind of deals in the UK.

Well, at least whatever happens to Burke, Amy has the recipe for Matt's potion now. But yeah, putting a dying man in prison would be pretty horrific. I guess Burke has a lot of advantages over Boone though, as a well-known potioneer is more likely to have the powers-that-be prejudiced in favour of him, than against him.

And I'm a little reminded of the execution of James Connolly in 1916, who was shot tied to a chair as a result of his injuries. Let's just say, it wasn't one of the best ideas and probably contributed to the War of Independence. Not that the political situation in the wizarding world is the same and there's a difference between jailing somebody for brewing illegal potions and executing the leader of a rebellion, but still, the Ministry would want to be careful. They don't need much more negative publicity. After all, Fudge was forced to step down due to pressure from the public.

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Review #43, by MargaretLaneLily Potter And The Lunar Problem: St. Mungo's

9th March 2015:
Like the part about her being stuck in a fog of dreaming and pushing her way towards the voices. It captures how she's feeling well.

*laughs at the "well, it's about time" comment* SOMEBODY isn't very sympathetic. Sounds like it could be in character for James. Not that I've seen enough of the story to tell if it IS or not; I'm only going on the bit we learn about him in the epilogue of Deathly Hallows.

Like the way you focus on her hurting all over. Some stories I've read with werewolves in them seem to gloss over the fact that werewolf attacks can kill and that guy Arthur was talking about appeared to be in St. Mungo's quite a while after he was attacked, so it's unlikely to be exactly a pleasant experience.

I think it's very realistic the way you show how it takes weeks before she fully recovers.

Poor kid, but at least she has a supportive family and lives in an era when Wolfsbane is available, so she's doing better than a lot of werewolves would have.

I'd be inclined to put a full stop after "Aunt Hermione said" and then start "She also told me that you will be Apparated to a nearby forest," as a new sentence, as it's separate from the previous sentence Hermione said.

I like the way you show the lycanthropy and the potion as having side effects. I wonder if those effects will lessen before subsequent full moons.

Poor, poor kid. Dealing with lycanthropy would be hard enough, but dealing with it at the same time as starting a new school and leaving your parents for months on end AT THE AGE OF ELEVEN. She really does have a lot to deal with.

AH! That hint that the Wolfsbane might not work for everybody is intriguing and explains why they ensured she was far from everybody when she transformed.

Author's Response: Thank you for the review, it's always nice to know that people read the story that I'm putting up. The new chapter should be up soon.

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Review #44, by MargaretLaneTrying My Patience: Trying My Patience.

8th March 2015:
You do a good job of explaining what positions Rose and Scorpius play without making it seem forced, which can be difficult to do.

I'd be inclined to put a comma after "Merlin," in "Merlin, how she hated him." Same with "for Merlin's sake," when James shouts at Rose.

And you explain their joint academic ability well too. The way she mentions it sounds natural and not like you're dragging it in because we need to know.

*rolls eyes at Lily's comment* That's no excuse. Annoying somebody you fancy is no better than annoying somebody for any other reason. In fact, it could possibly be more annoying, because then you've also got to deal with the awkwardness of knowing somebody fancies you when you might not fancy them AND for some reason it's considered less acceptable to call them on their behaviour.

Love the comment about him being so in love with himself.

You've given us a good deal of insight into James and Rose's personalities in the first half of this story. And sort of Scorpius's, but that might not be ENTIRELY reliable, as Rose clearly has strong feelings about him and might not be the most reliable judge of his character.

I'd be inclined to say "the amount of weight he put ON winning the game" rather than "in."

And again, you show us the house Albus is in and the relationship between him and James very effectively. Those kind of things are hard to slip in in a way that doesn't come across as forced.

You've written Albus was "not doubt shouting to Malfoy." I presume it should be "no doubt."

It's funny to see Rose and Albus as such rivals here, since in my own story, they are best friends and well, Albus is rather in awe of Rose. He rarely argues with her.

The line about how it would be better if she maimed Scorpius made me laugh.

Gosh, she was rather unsportsmanly towards Scorpius. I guess Quidditch is a rather brutal game though, and it's no worse than hitting Bludgers at people, but still!

Oh, yikes, poor Rose at the end. Hope she and Scorpius are both OK.

Author's Response: Hey,

Thanks so much for getting to all these reviews so quickly. Super cool of you. I'm glad you liked it and I will be sure to include those edits you mentioned. I'm always terrible with commas, since I usually feel like I use too many.

xx-Ellie


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Review #45, by MargaretLaneSomebody's Heartbreak: Somebody's Heartbreak

7th March 2015:
Not familiar with the song, I don't think.

Love your description in the first paragraph.

Fred's a bit of a hypocrite to be criticising Ron for getting Hermione's help with his schoolwork after only getting about three O.W.L.S. himself. Yeah, cheating on your homework is pretty silly, because you won't be able to cheat in the exam and if you hand up work that is better than your ability, you'll get an inflated idea of how well you're likely to do and of course, if the teacher thinks you already understand, they won't help you, but not sure Fred is the one to judge study skills.

I suspect he's more annoyed about Hermione being possibly taken advantage of than that Ron's exam results will be affected though.

And of course, there is only a year and a half between them. Because he's two years ahead of her and because we knew them both from the time they were quite young, it SEEMS like he's a lot older, but he's not really. He's probably 17 here and she 16.

In "'well, thank you,' she replied softly," you've put a capital "s" on "she" when it should be a small "s".

*laughs at the thought of George being mad at him for fancying somebody rule abiding* I like the way you create a degree of difference between the twins, as they often appear just two halves of a whole, and they are bound to have differences between their personalities.

You've written that Ginny said something about men marrying "their mother's". It should be "mothers," as it's a plural, not a possessive.

Good on Fred for punishing Lee for that comment. It's really creepy and borderline threatening. I know he doesn't intend really doing it and is only joking, but still.

There are parts where you use Fred's name rather a lot. It might sound better to replace some of them with "he" as he's the only male there.

I'm a little surprised Hermione's wearing perfume for an ordinary day, to be honest.

"He replied" should have a small "h" after he says "Donít want you yelling and me and telling me theyíre dangerous or unethical, is all," and there should be a comma, not a full stop, after the "all."

Same with "she said quietly" when she admits he doesn't really need his N.E.W.T.S. That's not a complete sentence on its own; it's part of the previous sentence.

I don't really think that admitting they should pursue a career they love is "not being a goody-two-shoes." Although I guess considering the career...

When she says "what are you asking me here, Fred?" there should be a comma before Fred.

I like the way she's nervous about him. It's credible.

And *laughs* The idea that being alone at a breakfast table with somebody is a date is a bit of a stretch, but it does sound like something Fred would say.

Aw, the description of the kiss is kind of sweet.

Author's Response: Hey,

Thanks so much for reviewing for me. I'll jump on those edits right away.

xx-Wolfgirl


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Review #46, by MargaretLaneCauldron Classes: Chapter 1.

7th March 2015:
Love the first paragraph to this chapter. It fits so well with that side of Hermione we see from her boggart. She clearly has a lot of anxiety and insecurity beneath the surface.

I also like the fact that she still hasn't found her parents at this point. It's good to see versions in which that doesn't happen too easily. I do hope she finds them before the end of the story though.

This is nitpicky and possibly irrelevant to wizarding society, but the English tend to say university rather than college, so it might be more appropriate here.

I think it is very likely that Hermione's attitude towards things like other magical races would mellow as she gets older, as they've done here. I definitely think she'd still want to help them, because the treatment of groups like house elves IS horrific, but I very much doubt she'd continue to believe the answer is simply forcing them to be free, without even considering how they could live without any job or income or place to live. As people grow up, they generally begin to see most issues aren't as simple as they might have thought they were in their teens.

I think it's a pity she seems to have lost interest in the issue altogether though, although I do think she'd make a good teacher. My first fanfiction, written before either Half Blood Prince or Deathly Hallows came out had her teaching Transfiguration.

Considering the number of teachers killed in the war, I think it quite likely they would want to recruit teachers immediately, rather than waiting for people to graduate. After all, they would need not only a new Potions teacher, but also new Transfiguration, Defence Against the Dark Arts and Muggle Studies teachers. I guess if this is over a year later, as it must be if Hermione has completed her N.E.W.T.S., then those teachers have been found, but nonetheless, I can totally imagine McGonagall being willing to take on a student teacher who has only just completed secondary school.

Hmm, I wonder how Snape survived. And why he doesn't want to take the position of Potions teacher himself. He's still young...probably about 38 or 39 at this point. He probably has another 50 years of working life ahead of him, considering that wizards don't seem to retire at 65 and hardly would, when they can live to nearly twice that.

Ah, and that's explained a few lines later. Of COURSE! I'd forgotten Defence was his true love and of course, they now need a new teacher of that.

And *laughs* Jumping right into teaching without experience is about the only way OF doing it. There's no way to get experience without doing it. Of course, in real life, most people have a degree in the subject first, but they still have to take their first class as a student teacher. It'd be scary doing it when you are only two years older than the oldest students, or scarIER; it's scary anyway.

*laughs* That's less than real student teachers have to do, at least in Ireland. And she gets PAID. We had to teach six classes, as well as attending lectures and got paid nothing.

The line "she of course respected him as particularly powerful and formidable wizard" sounds a bit awkward. I'd be inclined to write either "of course, she respected him" or "she obviously respected him."

And you've explained how he survived. And I think it's totally believable that she would heal somebody if she could, regardless of how much she dislikes or distrusts them.

I am wondering how she'll work things with Ron, but surely there must be other married Professors and there are bound to be possible accommodations. After all, she and Ron can Apparate and Floo, so even if they can't live together, I'm sure they can arrange to spend holidays and some weekends and stuff together. I bet he still won't be too pleased though. It's understandable if he isn't and he does tend to jump to conclusions, so I could well see him interpreting it as evidence she isn't as committed to their relationship as he is.

And you've now made me want to post the story I wrote about a teacher being offered their job at Hogwarts.

Author's Response: Hey,

Thanks so much for reviewing this one too. I'm glad you seemed to enjoy it. I'll post those edits really soon. Thanks again for doing this. I know what you mean about the student teacher thing, but most times these days one can't be a teacher without a university degree. This doesn't seem the case in HP since you know, Lockhart, Lupin, Umbridge, etc.

In my country people doing apprencticehsips do get paid, so I went with that.

xx-Wolfgirl


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Review #47, by MargaretLaneJigsaw: Piece #1

6th March 2015:
Hmm, rather an intriguing opening. I'm guessing this guy is going to be forced into doing something as part of the mystery here, since it appears to be important we don't know who he is and we've seen him placed under the Imperius Curse.

I wonder if he's a canon character. Somehow I've a kind of feeling he might be.

It's rather interesting that he knows who his attacker is. Combined with his feeling of dread prior to the attack and the way you are hiding his identity from us, I've a feeling there's more to him than just an innocent victim. I don't really think he's a villain, but I think the villain may have some specific reason for targeting him, whether it's because of a previous grudge or because he has some specific role, like he works in the Ministry and they are going to try and seize control of that or something.

And GARDEN GNOMES? OK, I really didn't expect that.

Oh right, it's just in the sense of garden pests. I thought they were literally laying siege to the place or something. I do wonder if the fact it's Godric's Hollow will turn out to be relevant though.

And poor Roxanne. I can definitely imagine it'd be hurtful not to even have your full name confirming you've written an article, no matter how insignificant.

Roxanne isn't a character who appears that much in fanfiction, at least in the fanfiction I've read, so it'll be interesting to see how you portray her.

Oooh, Rita Skeeter is still around. I daresay she'll be stirring up trouble before the story is out.

Hmm, I wonder if the reference to Roxanne's "secrets" is relevant. It might just be a comment on Violet's personality, and of course, most people have something, no matter how small, they wouldn't want passed all around their workplace, but it could also be a first hint there's something more going on in Roxanne's life.

Wonder if Violet will include hurling or Gaelic Football in her article. Hurling seemed to confuse English Muggles enough; the wizarding reaction would be HILARIOUS.

Love the little details you include like that Violet is well connected enough to get away with things other members of staff might not.

And I really LOVE the fact that phones have been introduced to wizarding society. I love it when stories show the wizarding world having undergone changes since canon, without overdoing it. It doesn't seem like that they'd jump into worldwide web and iphones overnight, but changes from Harry's day seem likely. Mobiles that are old-fashioned by Muggle standards are definitely credible and I like the name of the company.

Hmm, I wonder what Jane does and why she's finding it so difficult to survive. I'm already feeling sorry for her and we've barely met her.

Oooh, the gossip about her. So I was right to wonder if the "secrets" she mentioned referred to more than just her not wanting everybody at work to know about her most embarrassing moments.

Sounds like she's having a bit of a rough time. Even that reference to not being able to celebrate her father's birthday gives the impression that although she wasn't even born, the war has had an impact on her life too.

I'm getting the impression she fell out with a boyfriend who was friends with her brother. But there's got to be more than that to it. Even if she cheated on him or something, it'd hardly be THIS big a deal. I suppose it could be, but I've a feeling it's pretty convoluted.

The being 23 reminds me of a conversation on a soap here in Ireland, "Fair City", where this girl was complaining about being broke, stuck living with her father that she didn't get on with and so on at 22 and somebody was like, "that's how it's meant to be at 22 and next year, you'll be 23 and it'll be the same." That sounds WAY more negative than it came across in the actually show. The point was, "you're still young. You're not meant to have life sorted out yet." When I was 23, I thought I should have, but now looking back, sure I'd barely finished college.

I'm guessing the man who went missing is the guy mentioned in the first paragraph. Hmm.

Interesting opening chapter. You've given us a lot to wonder about, between Roxanne's reasons for falling out with her family and the guy who gets Imperiused.

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Review #48, by MargaretLaneDerailed: dos

5th March 2015:
Saw this up a couple of days ago and wanted to read, but I was pretty busy, correcting mocks.

Really hope the real life stuff you were busy with was all good.

Unicorn League?

And I can TOTALLY imagine James disregarding the rules, even as a teacher.

Oh, I'd forgotten about the Squib Foundation and all the difficulty with that. Yeah, I can easily imagine it'd be easier for Brigid and Freddie, as they weren't as directly connected with what happened.

When I worked in Lidls, I once had a girl come in in school uniform and try to buy alcohol. I mean, she might well have been 18, but she'd no ID and honestly, school uniform and no ID!

*laughs* I reckon that whole "messed up" thing is what happens when you've such a small community. And now I'm thinking of our Civil War. Dev's kids called Michael Collins "Uncle Mick" after all. MacNeil had a son take sides against his government and end up killed by the soldiers under the command of the government he was part of. His other sons carried the coffin wearing their army uniforms, the same uniforms which would've been worn by his killed. O'Higgins ordered the execution of the man who'd been best man at his wedding. Yeah, compared with that, little is messed up.

Looks like Louis hasn't changed. Louis still hasn't appeared much in my series, although there'll be a bit about him at the start of the next story when he gets his O.W.L. results.

We haven't seen much of Hugo yet, have we? Since he was at Hogwarts for most of "Off the Rails." I'm reading another series at the moment, which has him as main character, which is sort of influencing my view of him. Looking forward to seeing how you portray him. It's always interesting to see the different ways in which people portray the same characters.

This might be a British-English thing or something, but the line, "his want to please people" sounds a bit awkward to me. I'd be inclined to say something like, "his desire to please people.

Oh yeah, forgot Carlotta has some reason to be uncomfortable herself. I was thinking it didn't affect her, as she hadn't even KNOWN about the wizarding war and nor did any of her family, but of course, it was partly about oppressing Muggleborns and Muggles, so it would hardly be surprising if she was a little anxious about entering the home of people who'd done things like levitating Muggles just for the laugh.

James really has grown up, hasn't he? I guess that's what Rails was all about - his maturing.

I do like the idea of the unicorn league. It makes very little sense that only 1/10th of each house get to play at all at any one time. And how are people meant to practice to get on a team, if they don't get a chance to really play until they get on a team?

I can well imagine James would want to protect her. Between the fact he loves her, the fact she's a Muggle and therefore at a disadvantage in wizarding society and the fact she's got Parkinson's.

Author's Response: Hey hey hey! :) Yeah, the real-life stuff was all fine, things just got a bit hectic with getting back from Greece and finding winter jobs and also finding new summer jobs and all sorts, it took me a while to get back into the swing of things. But I've got my head back into Derailed now. :)

I think James, as a teacher, would TRY to be disciplined, even if he'd never be the strictest teacher ever, but he'd still fall short. It's not in his nature to be strict, he's so laid back and relaxed these days!

Ha, Louis hasn't changed at all, has he? Mostly because he amuses me so much to write.

No, we didn't see much of Hugo at all in Rails. That was mostly because, while I could drop any of the rest of James' cousins into his life, for most of the fic Hugo was at Hogwarts. He WAS floating around with the rest of them during the World Cup, but by that point the focus was obviously on the Cup itself. I'll have to try to add him into Derailed a bit more.

Thanks for the suggestion on that grammar point, I think it IS a British-English thing because it doesn't seem out of place to me, but now you mention it I can see how it could trip other people up, so I'll change it. Ta :)

Derailed is going to throw up a LOT of issues which Carlotta will face when living in the wizarding world. When she first found out about it, she loved the novelty of it and everyone she encountered was lovely to her and it was all fine and dandy. But now she's far more entrenched within the world, and knows far more about its history and the context in which people live, she's coming up against a lot of issues which make her feel uncomfortable for one reason or another.

It still amazes me how much James has matured! Of course, he's still not a fully-fledged adult - he struggles to keep pygmy puffs alive still - but he's getting there. Bless him. :) Thanks for the review! I always enjoy reading your thoughts. :)


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Review #49, by MargaretLaneThe Color of Revenge: saliva and fear

5th March 2015:
I like the title "the White Wyvern".

And the part about her journey of revenge and the six years since she lost her innocence is sort of ominous. I've the impression she's going to do something unpleasant.

How old was she when she was attacked? If she's two years younger than Draco, I'm assuming about 15, but that would mean she was probably less than two years from being of age.

Her family's reaction sounds pretty likely, considering their background. I'm glad at least her dad supported her.

Oh, Greyback escaped punishment for his actions in the war? I guess he disappeared into his pack again and escaped justice that way.

I love the description of the pub. You've really captured the atmosphere there.

"You really know how to take care of a man don't ya sweetie?" should have a couple of commas in it. I'd write it as, "you really know how to take care of a man, don't ya, sweetie?"

"A stranger's business" should have an apostrophe in "stranger's".

Oooh, that part about the scalding water is stark.

Yikes, that part about how Phelan and Greyback are the only ones she's left alive... She's obviously been pretty effective at getting her revenge.

And the fact she can still instinctively pinpoint where he touched her indicates just how traumatic the attack was.

You've written that she "had never had anything close love." I assume it should be "close to love."

Yikes, the ending is really creepy.

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Review #50, by MargaretLaneThe Wolfy Pair: The Wolfy Pair

4th March 2015:
I am really sorry about how long it took me to get to this. I hadn't realised it was that long. I was pretty busy the last couple of weeks; sorry about that.

Love the fairytale beginning to this.

This is REALLY nit-picky, and possibly just personal preference, but I think "visiting Harry Potter" might sound better than "visiting with". "Visiting with" sound a bit American or something.

Greyback?

And yes, practically the next sentence more or less confirms that, when it says he'd a habit of infecting young children.

And I like the way you connect Teddy being bitten with his father being. I was wondering how you'd pull off him being bitten without making it seem too much of a coincidence, but Greyback wanting to continue his revenge and doing it deliberately makes perfect sense, especially when Remus infiltrated the werewolves during the war.

And aw, that is so natural, Victoire not wanting to seem afraid in front of a slightly older friend.

There should be a comma before "Teddy," when Victoire says, "I think I hear someone over here, Teddy."

You describe their terror as the creature approaches really well. There's a real sense of foreboding about it.

LOVE the way Teddy tries to protect Victoire. He's a real big brother figure to her and seems more worried about her being attacked than about being attacked himself.

Yikes, they are using Killing Curses, Unforgiveables. I suppose it's understandable when somebody is attacking your child, but still, that's pretty dark stuff.

DEFINITELY think you should make this into a novel. I'd love to see how the children cope with lycanthropy. The ending seems to leave an opening for more.

Really good story.

Author's Response: Hey,

Thanks so much for reviewing for me. And thanks for your part in creating the challenge. I am going to turn this into a novel. It's just got too much potential as a head cannon not to. I really enjoyed writing this for the challenge, and thanks so much for reviewing with those edits I need to do. I'll get right on them.

xx-Ellie


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