Reading Reviews From Member: MargaretLane
  
1,025 Reviews Found

Review #26, by MargaretLaneRainbow: Communication

27th February 2016:
Finally getting around to reading this. By the time you posted it, I was sort of at "should get back to correcting" time, since yeah, want to get as many as possible done this weekend.

Oh my gosh, this is appropriate. *bounces* News from our polling stations is on in the background. Last I heard, there were 30 seats filled.

As to splitting the vote, Fianna Fil seem to be regretting worrying too much about that. They only ran one candidate in a lot of constituencies, but they did so much better than expected that it looks as if they COULD have got two through in some of those if they ran them.

Oooh, I never thought of a house elf accompanying Hugo to Hogwarts. That is really interesting. It's sort of like a special needs assistant.

And I think it is interesting that Hermione has clearly modified her attitude about house elves. Which is good. Her attitude at Hogwarts is rather patronising - I know what's best for them. Here, she seems to be trying to work with them to allow them to continue working while getting better conditions. It makes sense because her attitude at Hogwarts was quite typically "teenage."

LOVE the way Hugo points out that "trying won't make Rose better." This "everything works out if you just try hard enough" attitude bothers me. I'm not against encouraging people, but it does kind of imply that if things DON'T work out, you've done something wrong and sometimes things just don't work out and it's nobody's fault.

*laughs at Hugo's question about when they'll be walking between cones in real life*

*also laughs at him being angry with Mr. Huddleson because "he's an idiot"*

It is a really difficult situation. Somebody has to take care of Rose and neither Hermione nor Ron strikes me as really suited to remaining at home all day looking after a disabled child. Neither of them really has the patience and Hermione is too ambitious. She'd end up resenting Rose for holding her career back and Ron...well, I think he'd find it difficult to be as responsible as Rose would need him to be 24/7.

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Review #27, by MargaretLaneFall Apart: I

18th December 2015:
I don't feel I gave you much of a review in our last swap, so I went looking for something else to review to try and make up for that.

Love the first sentence. It really throws us straight into the story and gives us an indication of how George is feeling.

I can DEFINITELY imagine things being pretty confusing for a lot of people in the immediate aftermath of the war. After all, it SHOULD be a time of celebration - wizarding Britain is free, Voldemort is gone, the Muggleborns will be able to resume their rightful place in society and so on - but SO many people have lost relatives or spent the last year being abused or tortured or been injured or traumatised and it's not like you can just say, "OK, we're free now. Doesn't matter that we've been injured/lost people close to us, etc."

The idea that there is no good for George without Fred is so sad, but it does make a lot of sense. Their whole lives were intertwined with each other - raised in the same home, together from the day of their birth, attended school together, worked together, shared a bedroom, a dorm room and then a flat. And it must be so weird for him even to continue inventing spells for the shop when it seems like they always did that together in the past.

LOVE that part about how he can't stand to look in a mirror, because it looks as if Fred is looking back at him. Poor George.

*grins at him reading the message on the mirror backwards* Sounds like something George might do actually. He seems like the sort of person who might be into codes and stuff and might think of trying something like that. Bet he and Fred created a few codes themselves in their time.

Love the way he looks for the things that distinguish them, since there are bound to be some and the books never make it seem that way.

I actually thought he might see himself and Fred standing together when he looked in the mirror.

Oh gosh, that "why didn't you take me with you?" part is both really sad and slightly concerning. And the concerning element is confirmed a little later when he talks about having considered it.

*grins at the part where Fred seems to be thinking the exact same thing*

This is a REALLY minor formatting thing, but there's no line break between this paragraph: "George slowed as soon as the first piece of glass fell to the floor, revealing the black wood that the glass had been against, a darkness he was constantly encased in" and the next.

The last line made me grin. It's just so Fred and George. And I love the fact he can bring it home and have a reminder of Fred forever.

Author's Response: Awww that's fine, I don't mind *hugs*

Oh this story broke my heart writing it, and I felt like such a horrible person for doing it.

I would have been confused about what to do in the aftermath too. I think that they all just felt so lost afterwards.

I hate imagining Fred and George seperated, they've spent their life doing practically everything together and it's heartbreaking to see George just completely lost makes me cry :(

Thank you, I couldn't help but imagine that he would. I know that I would.

*sniff* I think that we just need to hug to get through this pain together. :(

Whoops! Thank you, I shall edit that at some point. :S haha

Thank you so much for the wonderful review!


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Review #28, by MargaretLaneRisk It All: You'll Regret This

16th December 2015:
Hmm, the summary of this story is a little intriguing.

The beginning of this story does a great job of introducing the characters and situation without making it seem contrived. We learn a lot about the characters - that she is a singer and he a Quidditch star and that they are something of a "celebrity couple."

Gosh, that is a pretty appalling thing to do - just send divorce papers without even TELLING her he wanted a divorce. In my country (Ireland), you have to be separated for four years before you can divorce, so this is a scenario that could not happen here.

Yeah, it would cause CHAOS if they cancelled the concert at that point. Fair play to her for going ahead for the fans.

Love her dedicating that song to him.

Author's Response: Thank you :D Yep, they're a celebrity couple, I haven't read many stories like that myself and I wanted to have them both be equals at the beginning of this story. I had only really read stories where it was the Potters that had the fame and I wanted to have a famous OC.

Oh yes, James is about to be in for a whole lot of pain when she gets home, he's so heartless.

There are going to be many more songs dedicated to him in the future :D

Thank you for reading and reviewing! :D


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Review #29, by MargaretLaneTis The Season: All I Want For Christmas

13th December 2015:
Advent Calendar, Day 12 review.

I really ought to read some more of your stuff anyway. It's just that you update so FAST.

Do they drink eggnog in Britain?

I'd say that party could get awkward, considering how many people there are likely to have relatives in Azkaban and the tensions there are likely to be between those who still support Death Eater ideas and those who've realised how dangerous they are.

Should be "parents' mistakes," and not "parent's mistakes," since most of them have two parents.

Poor Draco. I find the question of how he coped after the war intriguing. Considering he was forced to attempt murder, threatened with his own death and that of his parents, spent a year watching people being killed and tortured, saw a close friend die and learnt that the man he'd been raised to idolise was actually a cruel tyrant who was willing to sacrifice Draco himself and his entire family, it seems likely to me that he would be suffering from PTSD or at least some psychological effects of trauma.

LOVE the description of Theodore Nott. He's a character you can do a lot with as we know little about him except that his family were involved with the Death Eaters.

The same is true of Pansy and I REALLY like the way you've made her one of those who has learnt how dangerous the pureblood ideology is, as she's usually stereotyped as a shallow bully.

I also really like the way you've given Daphne and Astoria such different personalities and views.

You've written "the clocks ticking," when it should be "the clock's ticking."

Hmm, Daphne seems to have a lot of control over Astoria. I am now wondering about their parents, as Daphne seems almost in loco parentis over Astoria. Maybe their parents are among those jailed after the war or something. And I now think that would make quite an interesting story - young adult children of Death Eaters trying to cope with the aftermath of their parents' arrests.

And ooh, the dark of Malfoy Manor really indicates how its inhabitants have been affected by the war. And you now have me wondering where Lucius and Narcissa are. Is Lucius in Azkaban, serving out the remainder of the sentence he managed to escape partway through? Or are they just too traumatised to care about celebrating? Intriguing.

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Review #30, by MargaretLaneRainbow: National Concerns

21st November 2015:
Yeah, not sure that either Hermione or Ron is really suited to being a long-term stay at home parent. Thought Hermione doing it out of principle is characteristic.

Shouldn't it be "anymore" rather than "any more" when she talks about how Hugo and Rose aren't babies now?

Love the reference to Mrs. Weasley's long prattle. It just seems so characteristic somehow.

Must be quite a dilemma for wizarding parents - whether to send their children to Muggle schools or not. After the war, I can see parents like the Weasleys (and ESPECIALLY Hermione) worrying about the effects of segregation, but then, at Muggle school, the kids will be sort of caught between two worlds and there will be large parts of their life they'll have to hide from their classmates. No ideal solution.

*laughs at Hugo pointing out that his classmates wouldn't SEE his baby photos*

Oooh and I LOVE the part about how they thought they could predict the future.

That part about taking more photos reminded me of Fidelma's comment about her last Christmas with her mum. Sort of a reminder not to take anything for granted.

Love the soap-type programme.

Beatrice Flint must be young enough to be running for such a position.

The International Confederation sounds a bit like an ideal version of the U.N.

*rolls eyes at the comment about "forced political correctness"* Yeah, forcing equality and respect for others is SUCH a problem.

Harriet Mitchell sounds all right. Henry, I don't really know about.

Poor Hugo. I can understand why he'd be conflicted. Both of his parents having stressful jobs would be problematic, but at the same time, he wants to support his mother.

Author's Response: Yeah, Hermione did it out of principle but having kind of moved on she hates the idea of returning to that for the forseeable future. I don't blame her.

Yeah probably... but I hate "anymore" so...

Yes, Fidelma's photo comment probably put the idea in my head so it popped out when I got to that bit of the chapter.

Yup, well we have to have a bit of variety in this wizarding TV stuff... :P

Changed Beatrice's relationship to Marcus to make the age make more sense. Cheers for pointing that out.

And yes, how terrible, people having to be polite and civil to each other...

I like Harriet too.

And yeah, poor Hugo. I like setting up situations with no clean solution (but then even if there was one, you think I'd take it? :P)

*huggles* Thank you for the review!

~Leo xx


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Review #31, by MargaretLaneAn Inspector Calls: The Starving Artist

20th November 2015:
All the conversions sound confusing. And of course, if this is 2003, Muggles are still adapting to euro and the fact the exchange rate is no longer close enough with sterling.

Tuts about Dean's reference to Muggle football. He could start a good argument over that in Kerry. After all, they are about the best team in the country when it comes to GAELIC Football.

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Review #32, by MargaretLaneAn Inspector Calls: Prologue

19th November 2015:
*laughs at the Ministry pretending Kenmare doesn't exist* An Irish solution and all that!

And surprise, surprise, Irish education more interested in academic achievement than anything practical. Guess this is what you get when a country's freedom was first proclaimed by a bunch of poets and teachers (and teachers continue to be the largest group in its parliament).

Coincidentally, Leonore and I have started a fanfiction about the Irish Ministry and one of the members is called Neil Callaghan. Not the actual Minister of Magic though.

And *grins* Expelling students from Muggle schools in Ireland is...difficult.

Getting into a Muggle college without the Leaving Cert. would be...tricky. Other things are taken into account if you're over 23 when applying, but I'm pretty sure you still need to HAVE the Leaving.

Oooh, the end sounds rather intriguing. Wonder what's going to happen now.

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Review #33, by MargaretLaneDelicate Delacour: Fragile

27th October 2015:
Since the story I reviewed is relatively short, I thought I'd do a second one.

Love the part about her always dressing as if she were meeting the Prime Minister. Actually, this is barely relevant, but the SCENES when our President visited the UK. He traveled by coach and all; it was like a fairytale coach. I REALLY wonder what he made of it. It made their Queen's visit to Ireland look very laid back and that was Ireland at its absolute most formal.

I REALLY like the part about her thriving on other people's jealousy. For a moment, I thought this was going to get kind of cliched - beautiful girl, bullied through jealousy - but her reaction is far from the stereotypical one.

And I LOVE the way war has marked her. I think I probably mentioned before how that's something I have to take care not to overlook, as it's so long since Ireland has been at war - well, the Republic.

And of course Cedric's death must have horrified her. It could so easily have been her.

This is VERY nit-picky, but the "until he's recovered some" sounds a little slangy for such serious news. Something like "until he's had some more time to recover" or "until he begins to recover" would seem to fit the context better.

The last line makes me smile. I LOVE the way Fleur shows her depth of character when Bill is attacked.

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Review #34, by MargaretLaneThe Decision: Chapter 1

27th October 2015:
LOVE the idea of this story. I always feel Peter Pettigrew is judged very harshly, even more harshly than those who joined the Death Eaters because they really thought Muggleborns didn't deserve to live or just took pleasure in hurting people or to advance their own social and political position.

Love the description of the Order of the Phoenix as "an underground group". And I LOVE Bathilda's comment. It sounds so like something I'd imagine her saying.

Yeah, I love a lot already.

It makes absolutely no sense that James or Lily didn't act as Secret Keeper themselves. They put two people - Sirius AND Peter at an unnecessary risk. I know it was just because it had to happen that way for plot reasons and J.K. Rowling may not even have considered that the person could act as Secret Keeper themselves until it came up again later in the series. But it's one of the things that really seems out of place.

I really like the insight you give into his relationships with James, Sirius, Remus and Lily. It's really in character for Lily to stand up for him, like she did for Severus. She seemed to disapprove of James and Sirius's bullying tendencies. Mind you, so did Remus, but he was so grateful to them for not rejecting them that he didn't seem able to SAY that.

It must have taken a lot of courage for him to approach Voldemort like that. Though I guess he was more scared of the alternative, so it was simply a case of choosing the least frightening scenario.

I really like the way you include Voldemort's skill at Legilimency. It's clear Peter doesn't want to hurt anybody. He just doesn't see another way out. What he does is wrong, but it's hard to judge him for it.

The part where Voldemort says he wants to see the baby reminds me of Herod's attempt to trick the three wise men in the Bible. Not sure if you meant that or not, but it really does work.

Not sure he'd call Harry a Mudblood though. I thought that was an insult for Muggleborns and Harry is half-blood.

I really like this story and I think you did a really good job of getting into the head of a character you disliked so much. Not sure I could do that for Scrimgeour or Umbridge.

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Review #35, by MargaretLaneRainbow: An Outsider

26th October 2015:
Hmm, Hugo doesn't like physical contact, has a temper and likes writing. Remind you of anyone?

Used to see a really young deaf girl returning to boarding school when I was at college. Must be so tough. AND on their parents.

That part about Hugo looking forward to leaving home is so sad.

Hugo and sarcasm!

*is amused by the way Callaghan makes a game of finding his room*

Part about not exactly being a career politician reminds me of tbe Seanad where we need a few Callaghans instead of just failed politicians.

I think that breathing thing would REALLY annoy me.

LOVE the idea of there being pianos at Hogwarts. I guess it's hardly surprising.

And I'd say a lot of Draoithe meetings are memorable. Not always for the right reasons.

Those comments about how much he wants to avoid and how he's out of tbe habit of talki g are SAD. Poor Hugo.

Author's Response: Yeah, I've a funny feeling I know someone like that, but I can't think who...

*grins* Sarcasm... remind you of anyone?

Callaghan is just awesome. Everyone and everything needs Callaghans.

And the breathing thing would annoy you because you wouldn't benefit from it. I think I mentioned at the time, for someone like Hugo - who is very tense and sitting kind of hunched and physically closed up - it actually does help a bit. An extreme example - would you encourage someone to breathe slow and steady and tell them they're safe and OK if everything was normal? But if they were having a panic attack, you would, because it might actually help.

I think everything's at Hogwarts if you know where to look.

Draoithe meetings tend to be VERY memorable, yes! Poor Claire...

Love you! *hugs* ♥

~Leo xx


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Review #36, by MargaretLaneSummerbee: Summerbee

26th October 2015:
OK, I had to find out a little more about Summerbee.

Poor Lucy. I'm not quite sure whether Summerbee is going to help her or make things worse. So far they don't seem to be doing a great job of figuring out what's going on in her head, but then we only have it from her point of view and it's possible they understand more than she realises.

It doesn't really sound like Norah expects to get out.

And I LOVE the idea of where you got the name of institute.

Author's Response: I like to think the doctors/nurses understand more than she realizes. She's got teenager brain and teenagers tend to think no one could possibly understand them. ;) That might be an overgeneralization but it certainly described me as a teenager.

Thanks for stopping by and leaving a review!


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Review #37, by MargaretLaneThem: Them

26th October 2015:
Here for the review swap. Oooh, psychopathy. Sounds intriguing.

Hmm, immediate impression: this is set in a psychiatric ward and James is James Potter II.

Well, I'm right about which James it was anyway.

Hmm, I wonder who Nadia's daughter is. It's possible she's the one who sent the note. But that's far from certain.

*works out how old James and Lily are* Harry had Lily 10 years after he left Hogwarts, so he'd have been about 28. That means she's only about 12. She seems very mature for her age, reassuring a brother 3/4 years older than her. And I wonder where Albus is. Maybe he'd just in a different house than them or just happened not to be with them when James read the note.

Poor Ginny. I actually haven't seen many stories where she is badly effected by the war, but she did basically suffer abuse under the Carrows, so it's not really surprising.

Rowle. This begins to make sense. It's a bit of a coincidence actually because my Halloween story from last year included a character called Rowle who might or might not have been a villain.

AH! That explains why Albus isn't part of the discussion above, because the note is in his handwriting. If he DID write it, I wonder why. If not, was somebody imitating his handwriting and why? Hmm.

Albus seems a pretty scary character here. More so than Soleil in a way. I think it is understandable to some degree that she would feel hatred towards the man who killed her father. The way Albus holds his brother's gaze...I don't know. It just seems odd.

Seven seems YOUNG to diagnose a child as a psychopath.

The term "doctor" doesn't seem to be used in the wizarding world, so I would expect the character who diagnoses Soleil to be called a Healer.

Oooh, that part about Albus being nothing like his father is creepy.

Al spent time in Summerbee? Oooh, this gets more and more intriguing.

Oooh, that part about the people actually appearing at the end is creepy.

I really like the ending. And am somewhat intrigued both as to how things go from here and as to what issues Albus has and what drove him to the point of thinking killing his father was an option.

Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much for reviewing as you read. That's actually exactly the kind of feedback I wanted. *squee*

You've mentioned a couple of things that I need to go back and fix. The first is Lily's age. I'm so bad at math, but I was trying to make her 14 in this piece. So that she's old enough to comfort him, but still too naive to be as worried as James. That would make Harry 42? I'll fix that.

Soleil is Thorfinn Rowle's daughter. Thorfinn was one of the Death Eaters that attacked Harry and co. in the Muggle cafe.

When Soleil is seven and the doctor (which I need to switch to Healer--thanks for catching that!) suggests psychopathy, he's not diagnosing her. He's just suggesting it as an option, which is why she's not actually taken to Summerbee until she's almost 12. I imagine they did some major observation/therapy in the meantime and finally came to that conclusion.

I'm glad you're wondering where things go from here. I left the ending open so that you could imagine. Harry Potter may or may not be dead--and that decision is up to you. ;)

Thanks again for reading and pointing out some of those issues. I'm going back in to fix them now.


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Review #38, by MargaretLaneRenegade: 2

30th September 2015:
*laughs* I once referred to a student as "Eoghan eile", "eile" being the Irish word for "other".

This may be a character speech thing, but you've written "he thought it would be good for Mark and I" when it should be "Mark and me."

I was wondering if one of the Weasleys was autistic when Dominique said that. I like the reference to a French cousin though. Sometimes it seems like none of the Weasleys interact with anybody on the other sides of their families. I'm probably somewhat guilty of that in my stories, to be honest.

Dominique seems pretty cool here. It's always interesting to see how characters like her that we know NOTHING about are portrayed.

Like the detail about her asking him to stay with her because of the chaos.

*grins* I was sort of expecting Ravenclaw*

Good chapter. I like these characters.

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Review #39, by MargaretLaneFire Extinguisher: Fire Extinguisher

29th September 2015:
Love the comments about how he should have better things to do when people are dying, though I guess if it's going on for a while, he can't worry about it all the time.

Oh, you've said about "did the Potter have a muscular milkman?" I wonder if it should be "the Potters."

*grins at them debating if they're too middle class to call each other "mate"*

*laughs at the only responsible adult in the school being drunk* Drunken, irresponsible teachers DO seem pretty common at Hogwarts though.

Actually, I DO sort of care about Alfred the Great. When I was a kid, he used often be referenced in comics and stuff and THEY NEVER EXPLAINED. So I always kinda wondered about him.

Author's Response: Yeah, even in-story the whole 'mundane life in the face of crisis' was part of the intentional theme. When something is constant, you cannot focus on it all the time without going kind of mad. BUT I felt I had to contrast Scorpius' perpetual whimsy with HEY SCORP PEOPLE ARE DYING HERE COULD YOU FOCUS.

Dang typos.

Every time I worried about Lockett being an unbelievable teacher (though I did refer to her having been brought in at a bit short notice), I remembered how many terrible teachers were hired in canon.

Alfred the Great was a dude. Repelled the Viking invasion of the Kingdom of Wessex, clawed back most of England, and changed the face of infrastructure and government for his people. Alas for limited sources on such a period to learn more. But I love to imagine that such an era would have been rife in Muggle/Wizard crossover.

Thanks for reviewing!


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Review #40, by MargaretLanefound wanting: iv.

16th September 2015:
Wow, they mark QUICKLY. I guess there are only 40ish wizarding kids taking the N.E.W.T.S., as opposed to the tens of thousands doing the Leaving. The Leaving results come out mid-August here, two months after the exams end and the Junior Cert. results (our sort of equivalent to the O.W.L.S.) only came out last week, three months after the exams end.

The Graduation Masses here take place even before the exams, never mind the results, which makes the title kinda silly.

The rules about entering different houses seem to have relaxed since Harry's day. I can't imagine anybody getting permission to enter another house in canon.

Yeah, Joe is nasty.

And I LOVE the way the magic enchanting Hogwarts is attuned to how somebody identifies themselves rather than how they were assigned a birth. It makes sense that it would really.

Pity the Governors aren't so enlightened.

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Review #41, by MargaretLanefound wanting: iii.

16th September 2015:
Wouldn't Teddy be about two years older than Victoire? He was definitely born before there was even any indication Fleur was pregnant with Victoire. Although I guess one of them could be bringing the other as a guest.

George and Angelina must have gotten together and had a child quickly in order for Fred to be 17 in 2016. Though I guess they could have been dating before the Battle of Hogwarts and Harry might just not have known. He probably wouldn't, really.

Gosh, no WONDER they are a little anxious about the reunion if one of their close friends has since died.

Interesting that they use e-mail, but I guess it makes sense. After all, it's SO central to life now than Muggleborns and probably even half-bloods would start Hogwarts familiar with it and while electronics don't work at Hogwarts, they probably would in an ordinary wizarding home that didn't have the same level of magic in the air.

Oooh, wonder how they betrayed Mae.

Like the fact Holly is an Auror. Male Aurors or Auror trainees seem to vastly outnumber female ones in next gens, for some reason.

And I wonder why Holly changed so much. It sounds like maybe she had a rough time after leaving school.

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Review #42, by MargaretLanefound wanting: ii.

16th September 2015:
Liberty...another unusual name. Actually, though this is a complete aside, the IRISH word for freedom is a reasonable common name. Saoirse.

I wonder why her parents are so anxious for her to go to her school reunion. After all, there's nothing wrong with moving on and making friends with people you've more in common with rather than those who just happen to have been born within 12 months of you once you leave school. There's no reason she should ever go to a reunion unless she particularly wants to.

And hmm, her birth family. I wonder is she the orphaned daughter of a Death Eater. Or maybe the daughter of a Death Eater in prison. The dates fit. Though of course, considering her name, she may have been born after the Battle of Hogwarts.

They DO seem to treat her like a child. The rule about not walking to and from the bus stop at night is reasonable enough, but thinking they get a vote on what she WEARS and deciding whether or not she goes to a party with people she hasn't seen in years.

And I wonder why she seems to think they COULD make her attend the 10 year one. This one, fair enough. She's what, about 22 or 23. If she's still living at home and her parents are overprotective, it's not too surprising they might have some say in her life then, but in another five years, when she's approaching thirty? That seems less likely.

Hmm, it sounds like something happened between Holly and Liberty in the past and it must be pretty serious, because it's obviously still causing awkwardness even though they are way older and a lot of secondary school conflicts would seem pretty minor from the point of view of a 23 year old.

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Review #43, by MargaretLanefound wanting: i.

16th September 2015:
Here for the prefect's review exchange.

This is sort of an interesting idea, having a group of students from Hogwarts meeting up a few years later.

I really like the introductory paragraphs. They set the scene so well and also have me wondering who this mysterious stranger is.

Hmm, I would thought by today's era, Muggle fashions would have become more common as the Hogwarts students in canon already seemed more familiar with them.

Hmm, that part about not wanting to "face" the reunion is kind of interesting. Sounds like they're not too enthusiastic. But in that case, why go? Hmm.

I don't blame her for not liking the name "Hollywood". It wouldn't exactly let her blend in and as a teen, that can be important.

Oh, sounds like Slughorn is still teaching. Well, he didn't retire until the end of Albus's first year in my version. He must be pretty old by now though.

It's just like him to organise a school reunion.

And hmm, they WEREN'T expecting Holly to turn up. Sounds like there's definitely something going on there.

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Review #44, by MargaretLaneGrey.: Grey

11th September 2015:
This story sounds rather interesting.

Love the first line. It immediately sets up a dramatic scenario.

And I like the way you let us know he no longer has any contact with his old friends. Things like that are hard to include as the character already knows them, but the way you've included it sounds perfectly natural.

I'd be inclined to start a new sentence with, "he had once been rather meticulous with his appearance" or at least use a semi-colon.

It makes perfect sense that Draco would feel this way. I've always felt he'd be likely to have major emotional problems after the war. After all, he was forced into attempted murder and it's only sheer luck he didn't kill Ron, he spent two years in absolute fear of his life, saw people killed and tortured in front of him, learnt that everything he'd believed was wrong and the man he'd been brought up to admire was willing to kill his entire family. That would be hard to get over.

This is really nit-picky and may just be personal preference, but there are a few places where the writing seems a little stilted, like I'd be inclined to say "what was the point of living after everything he'd done?" rather than "everything that he had done" and "his thin fingers shaking so badly, he barely managed to wrap his hand around it" rather than "that he barely managed..."

Love the part about what the great Draco Malfoy had been reduced to. It's really in character for him to think that way.

The part where he is fighting against the urge to scream is just so well written. It really gives us an insight into what he is feeling.

There are some punctuation problems around "I hate this. I hate this". It should have a full stop before it, not a comma, as it's a separate sentence and "he muttered" should have a small "h". The way it's written "he muttered, defeating the urge to sob," forms its own sentence and that isn't a sentence.

I like the way the storm in his mind echoes the storm outside.

Yikes, you've given Draco even more to deal with than we know of from the books, though it all makes sense. His father could have been cursed by just about anybody - one of the Death Eaters who was angry with him for not remaining loyal or one of their enemies who knew him to have been a high-ranking Death Eater who tortured and probably killed numerous people.

I like the description of Narcissa as "a broken doll."

The "hes" at the start of the paragraph which talks about the precious artifacts are quite confusing. I'm not sure whether it's talking about Draco or his father worshiping Voldemort.

I like the way they both share a feeling of shame. It's hardly surprising after what they've done.

It makes a lot of sense that he'd be haunted by Hermione's screams. Even though he didn't like her much, she was still a classmate and watching somebody you knew personally being tortured would be horrific. I don't think I've ever before seen a story that took into account just how traumatic that must have been for him.

And I like the way he sees his home as tainted. It must be awful to have to LIVE in the place the trauma took place and have your home turned into a place of torture.

Ooh, this letter is interesting. It looks as if Astoria is married to Blaise Zabini here and she has some grudge against Draco for what happened during the war.

It sounds like you've developed Astoria's character way beyond what we learn of her in canon. The part about her being half blood is intriguing. I wonder how Draco even knows that.

I really like your use of the word "craved". It gives the impression of something outside his control.

I like the way you show divisions between the Slytherin students here. A lot of stories seem to portray them as pretty much a monolith, but there are bound to be different views.

This story gives a really good insight into how Draco might feel after the war. It's intense, which is good, as the events are intense too, and there are no easy answers.

Author's Response: Hello!

Thank you so much for stopping by with this really great review. It's been a while since we've swapped stories so we'll have to get back on track sometime! :D

I've had quite a few people check this story out, it's actually one of the most read one-shots that I have (I think it only comes second to Again and third to Glass) and that honestly really surprises me. I didn't think people would be very keen on this version of Draco Malfoy but I am so glad that this has gotten mostly positive reviews. :D

I think it would be pretty far-fetched to assume that Draco didn't have any major issues after the War was over. He saw a lot of horrible things and was under a lot of pressure to be what others expected, I think it would really shatter a person after a while. I also had to remember that he was quite young when this happened, which makes it even more disturbing to imagine. The fact that his ego has been taken, his family is falling apart and he's going just a tad crazy are all things that I believe would happen. At least, in some form.

You know, I'm in debate on who actually cursed Lucius. I have a few people that I think are responsible but I've never really delved that deeply on it. I can't feel sorry for him though but the physical decay is shown in how Narcissa deals with the situation. She's not the elegant woman that Draco remembers from his childhood.

I always wondered why people never mention the fact that Draco heard and SAW Hermione being tortured. Granted, he did nothing but I think that added shame,fear and guilt would get to him over time.

You would have to read my novel, "A Force of Wills" if you want to know more about Draco's relationship with Astoria. Her half-blood status is actually something that is brought up more than once, it's a focal point that I make a habit of teasing my readers with. Heheheh.

I can't think of ALL the Slytherins as being horrible for some reason but I think that it would only be fair to mention that there were some decent people there. They may not have been brave but I think they existed. I mean, Peter Pettigrew was a Gryffindor and he didn't turn out to be so great, so who's to say that ALL Slytherins are evil?

Thank you so much for stopping by!

Much love,

Gabbie


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Review #45, by MargaretLaneRainbow: Change

9th September 2015:
I had a FEELING Hugo's teacher would be a man. Or maybe you mentioned it sometime. You probably did, because a woman is the more typical stereotype when it comes primary school teachers.

And oh, I hadn't thought of the difficulties of entering a new classroom for blind students.

*laughs at him thinking how he'll react if the teacher touches him in a few weeks*

De Valera story for all occasions (which I've probably told you before): I saw a photo of Dev leaving a station and kept looking at the way he was holding his umbrella, because there was something odd about it. Then I remembered he was blind and realised he was using it like a cane, to figure out where the step was, 'cause there is a step outside that station and it wasn't a town he'd have been likely to spend much time in.

I don't know if you've intended this or not, but Mr Huddleson's speech sounds a bit repetitive. He keeps saying "now" and reusing some of the same words. This might be meant as characteristic of him, but just thought I'd mention it anyway.

Shouldn't Tudors have a capital "T" 'cause it's a name? And Romans and Saxons and Vikings should too.

Their history courses seem to jump around a lot. Romans one year, Tudors the next. Ours sort of followed on. I can't remember exactly what we did each year in primary, but we started with the Stone Age at the start of 4th class (in 3rd class we just did myths and some funny stories like Dev breaking out of prison with a key smuggled in in a cake and Sarsfield finding out the password was his own name and announcing "Sarsfield is the word and Sarsfield is the man" which always seemed to kind of defeat the purpose of finding out the password to me) and ended with 1916 at the end of 6th class and it was pretty much chronological the whole way through the 3 years.

It's weird seeing Rhiannon's name after we've been talking about the other Rhiannon.

*laughs at her comment to Mr Huddleson* I'm surprised he puts up with it. I don't know many teachers that would take that kind of rudeness.

LOVE the unexplained comment about Hermione saying not to use magic after Ron did the last time.

Oooh, I like the idea of Hermione running for the International Confederation of Wizards although this may not be the BEST time and surely Hugo should hear it from her and not on TV. I'm still debating whether or not she'll run for Minister of Magic in my series. It MIGHT fit with my plans for year five.

You should probably put a note in, translating "Aireacht na Draiochta," although I guess it makes sense in context, since you've also said "Irish Ministry."

At least Rose is talking fairly coherently now. That's an improvement anyway.

Aw, that part about how being blind seems to make his other problems worse...poor Hugo. Though I guess he wouldn't like me to say that.

LOVE the way Ron is supporting Hermione to Hugo here.

Ah yes, in context that part about wanting to stay in bed for a month sounds way more like a sulk and less like an attempt to hide from life.

I was WONDERING if Ron was as content with Hermione's decision as he appeared. It occurred to me he could just be being careful not to criticise her to Hugo. I wouldn't blame him if he were angry. That's the sort of thing one should discuss with one's spouse, especially when there are children involved and one of them has a disability. If she DOES do this, it will surely mean him taking on more of the childcare and he should be consulted about that.

*grins at Hugo's logic that the staff WANT to keep them helpless* Yeah, because making more work for themselves is really what they want.

An ankle twisting and grazing a knee. Story of my life. Like Hugo, I've learnt how to fall though, I think. I never really hurt myself beyond scrapes.

Hmm, the obvious answer is just that Ron and Hermione got confused as to who was to pick Hugo up, but I doubt it's that simple or you'd hardly have ended the chapter here. And combined with Hermione's strange behaviour, not telling her husband of her plans...hmmm. I've no idea what's going on, to be honest.

It HAS occurred to me that this running for the IC could be a way to avoid Rose. Or just a way to compensate for everything that's gone wrong in her life. But that doesn't explain where she and Ron are at the end of the chapter. *is intrigued*

Author's Response: Yes, I think I told you Mr Huddleson's name actually.

Yes, the "now" is a characteristic thing. He is an annoying guy.

Ah, you caught me out! Yes, I originally had a nice plan of what they did at primary but I didn't write it down (or maybe I didn't have the plan in the first place) and this chapter was like "uh, what do they do in History?" I thought I had them finishing last year with Saxons and Vikings? And then they start this year with Tudors and finish with Victorians. So it's kind of rushing through the key eras in chronological order.

You think it's weird seeing Rhiannon's name - I have to WRITE her!

And the washing up incident is given in more detail somewhere in Rainfall.

Oops yes I need to add that note, thanks for the reminder.

No, Hugo does not like pity! But yeah, poor kid, I am screwing up his life nicely.

Yep, Ron is supporting Hermione in front of the kids. He will support her in anything, but he's annoyed. "If you'd asked me I'd have said yes, but couldn't you ask?" I really like him.

Yeah, Hugo logic... Hugo logic in this entire chapter, tbh...

*huggles you* Yeah, in this case Hugo's moving too fast to catch himself. But he's a bouncy kid. A ten-year-old boy. They get the odd graze.

*whispers* time for a secret: I have no idea where Ron and Hermione are. As I said, characters doing their own thing... I will have to figure that out next chapter. I do know Hermione's under way too much pressure and not reacting well. Like when Hugo was born, but worse in this case - she doesn't like not being in control.

We're both looking forward to seeing what's going on, I think! Crazy characters... *hugs them all, and you*

~ Leo xx


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Review #46, by MargaretLaneRenegade: 1

27th August 2015:
I'm already feeling some sympathy for Lucy. I'm getting the impression that she feels as if she's expected to act more adult than others her age, due to having to look out for her brother, but is being treated like a child. That must feel unfair.

I wonder how come their daughter is called Lucy and if that was the name of Hannah's mother.

Neville's son is Frankie in my series too.

*grins* 11 is probably old to wear a costume in public, but still probably not likely to cause any great comment.

I am REALLY looking forward to seeing which house Frankie will be sorted into. My immediate thought for a boy with Asperger's is Ravenclaw, but that's just because of the "little professor" stereotype. I don't know anywhere near enough about him to make an accurate guess as to where he'll end up.

*grins* Neville does seem to think he'd fit Ravenclaw though. Luna seems to have some traits of Asperger's now that I think about it.

Aw, poor Lucy. That part about thinking she's not a great big sister because she's hoping he won't be in Hufflepuff.

I like the fact that his story is written from the point of view of a Hufflepuff. It's a house that doesn't appear too much in fanfiction that I've seen.

I absolutely LOVE seeing the different ways people portray the next gen characters. A lot of people seem to portray Molly and Lucy as twins.

And now I feel sorry for Frankie - a year of being social!

And then having a meltdown in the middle of the train. Poor kid.

And poor Lucy, having to explain she can't do her first patrol as a prefect. Even though Dominique has no say in her being prefect, it'd still feel like you were already failing in your new position.

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Review #47, by MargaretLaneUnbearable: Unbearable

24th August 2015:
Poor, poor Hermione. I always wondered how she dealt with this. It was such a horrific experience and she seemed to just brush it aside and move on.

I LOVE the first paragraph. It really shows her utter terror.

And I think it's totally in character for Hermione to feel she has to remain strong, not matter how horrific the events she's going through.

I can't believe this is your first story. It is so atmospheric and so well written. The only bit of constructive criticism I'd give is that the last line seems a bit rushed and doesn't quite fit with the line above. Putting a line before it, indicating Bellatrix is speaking might help with that.

All in all an excellent story. Hope I get to read more from you.

Author's Response: Hello,

Thank you for taking the time to review, it means so much to me. I wasn't expecting any at all! I'm happy that you think I kept Hermione's character as I tried really hard to do that, so I guess it worked. :)
I will work on that bit and hopefully I can improve upon it so that it doesn't as sound rushed, thank you for pointing that out. Thank you again for such a lovely review.

a_r


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Review #48, by MargaretLaneYou Don't Own Me: Don't

22nd August 2015:
I decided I had to read this in order to get the background to "Winding Road." Plus, it seemed like a pretty interesting dynamic and it was pretty clear there was quite a lot going on.

Second person can be a difficult viewpoint, but this looks like a pretty good use of it. It sort of gives the impression Scorpius is thinking all this and maybe sort of debating with himself as to whether or not this is a relationship he should be in.

It might sound better to say "visited Rose" rather than "visited with Rose."

And it makes sense that Rose and Albus would see that the relationship is not a good one but would kind of underestimate how difficult it might be to leave. From the outside, it's easy to think, "just end it" or "just eat what you want. Don't worry about what he thinks." But that's probably not that easy when it both seems that the guy is genuinely dangerous and when Scorpius loves him.

Oooh, the fact that Scorpius has to hide the things that are important to him really show just how dysfunctional this relationship has become.

And I'm sure nothing good is going to come of Corbin walking in at this moment.

Oh gosh, the way he set fire to the letters was really chilling.

Well done to Scorpius for making the decision to leave. It can't have been an easy one, especially when Corbin appears to be so good at guilting him out.

Love the way Rose points out that Corbin's comment about "stealing" Scorpius is an indication of how he views him as his property.

I also like the way it's made clear at the end that Scorpius will still need to recover both physically and emotionally from what he's been through.

Author's Response: Hi MargaretLane!

ooh, thank you so much for a wonderful review. I'm so glad you liked how Scorpius and Corbin were portrayed as well as Rose and Albus as his friends. I really wanted to get out that it's not a simple thing to leave relationships like this.

Thank you so much for the detailed reactions and feedback ♥

-rose


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Review #49, by MargaretLaneWinding Road: Finding Home

22nd August 2015:
I've been meaning to read more of the entries to this challenge, so this is a good excuse to read yours.

I like the way the story begins with a dream that sort of introduces us to the situation and gives us a hint at what Scorpius has escaped.

It's interesting that Malfoy Manor never felt like home. I wonder why that was. I don't expect it'll be explained here though, as the focus of the story is probably on the relationship he's just escaped.

This line: "could I still be trapped in the abuse and merely fantisize about being back in London with those who love and care about me?" would probably sound better if it were "fantisizing" instead of just "fantasize."

I like the way he uses the language of his accounts to describe the harm his ex-boyfriend has caused.

You portray the family and their relationships so well. Just the way he calls them "Mother" and "Father", rather than "Mum" and "Dad", indicates a degree of formality, as does the way his mother never questions whether he is being entirely honest and yet, it does seem like they love him and are concerned about him. They just seem to be struggling to express it because of their own backgrounds.

And the fact that Draco is willing to work on a campaign with Hermione shows just how concerned he is about his son and how angry he is about what happened to him.

I can understand why Draco would feel the need to maintain formality, considering the horrific time he had during the war. Returning to normality - normality for a rich pureblood family - and ignoring the way their way of life has been shown to be problematic, resulting in "gold and family not going as far" seems like a likely response.

I really like his anxiety in the restaurant. I don't know exactly what Corbin did to him, but it seems like he is a real threat.

I do see a couple of places here where the dialogue seems a bit formal, like "I am finished." "I'm finished" might sound more natural.

I'm not surprised the Healer seems pleased. I thought Scorpius seemed to handle the situation really well. That'd be a frightening scene, even without the history between them - somebody threatening an attack in a restaurant. Add in the previous abuse, the fact that Scorpius clearly loved him at some point and the fact that he is suffering the effects of the previous abuse, so is likely to be more vulnerable to any kind of stress, and he seems to deal with the situation quite well.

And I love the comment about how confusing it is at the end. It must be hard to know somebody you once loved is likely to go to jail, despite how much of a relief it must be to know you're now safe from them.

Author's Response: Your reviews are always the best! I always appreciate how thorough and specific you are. I imagine your experience teaching and grading helps with that (it also makes me think you're a great teacher too).

The Malfoy Manor comment is a throwback to something Scorpius commented on in another story (Pure Intentions) when he was struggling with not feeling his parents accepted him for being gay. It was also an austere place to grow up with more rules than love.

the accounting section was kind of fun for me to write. I use a lot of business analogies in real life and it was nice to include one in my writing.

The family formatlity felt essential for the Malfoy family. In a way it reminds me of my grandparents with the stiffness they show towards emotion. They care but aren't great at showing it or actually talking about issues. I felt that if Draco were to care, he would want to do something business/political that he could hope to change. It would be hard to use money and influence to fix Scorpius' emotions but the law, that's something he can impact.

Writing his anxiety was a struggle. Corbin was rather abusive and controlling when he and Scorpius lived together. When Scorpius moved out he became quite unhinged and used magic against him.

I felt like Scorpius having a moment where he could stand up to Corbin was a huge breakthrough to the Healer (and Scorpius, though he doesn't know it at the time). i'm glad the ending comment worked well. I've known people iwth that kind of conflict. I mean, it's always great to have a resolution but in a way it's impossible to completely be done with the past.

thank you so much for a wonderful review!!

-Rose


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Review #50, by MargaretLaneThe Death Of Sir Nicolas: Tusks

18th August 2015:
I'm surprised I haven't gotten to this sooner, probably because you update so quickly, it's easy to miss stuff. I'm in awe of you.

I love the beginning and his reluctance to tell the story. Going by his attitude in the books when people ask him about being "nearly headless", it seems very probable that he WOULD react like that.

I don't usually like physical description, but the way he describes Lady Grieve seems to work. It kind of gives the impression he's pretty enchanted with her.

He sounds so like a typical knight, dreaming of the lady he adores but who he can never lift his eyes to (apart from anything else, they were usually married). The word or two from her part in particular.

LOVE the part about how "in retrospect, I should have told her..."

Oooh, that part about their seeming like they were there for a festive occasion is creepy. Especially since it is probably pretty realistic.

I really like the way you describe his reaction and how terrified he is. It's realistic.

Yikes, you describe the beheading so realistically.

And I really like the way you show him making his decision as to whether to go on or remain on earth and the reasons he decides to remain.

Aw, the ending is kind of sad, though it's nice that he's found a kind of family among the staff and students. It must be sad though, to see so many people leaving.

Author's Response: Hi Margaret,

That's very kind of you to say. Really I think it's just because I have nothing else going on in my life. :D

Oh good! I'm happy that his trepidation about telling his story comes across as real.

Yeah, I'm usually hesitant about physical description too, but sometimes when you have a character in love or infatuated with someone, it's sort of hard to write them as not thinking about the other person's appearance.

Retrospect is always when everything becomes clear.

Oh yeah! I did a lot of research on midieval executions to try and make this accurate.

Sorry about that. You know how I like my descriptions.

The ending is sort of bittersweet. While I think Nick has some regrets, I suppose he could've ended up in a worse place.

Thanks for the review!

~Kaitlin


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