Reading Reviews From Member: MargaretLane
  
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Review #26, by MargaretLaneBunny Slippers: Neville

27th March 2015:
I was actually expecting the last chapter to be from Augusta's point of view. I didn't think of Neville, because I sort of expected it all to focus on the same day.

And ah, this explains why we never heard of Benjamin. I mean, we mightn't anyway, since Neville is rather quiet about his family, but this is interesting.

And gosh, Neville loses his grandmother before he turns 23. So he's all alone in the world by young adulthood. Poor, poor guy. And if she died "well" before he reached 23, she must have died shortly after he went through torture under the Carrows and lost friends in the Battle of Hogwarts.

I wonder how she did. If Neville was in his 20s, she probably wasn't all THAT old for a witch. 90ish, maybe; possibly even younger.

"Straightforward" should be one word.

And when Kingsley talks of the Death Eaters attacking Neville's family at the start of the chapter, you've put an apostrophe before the "s" in "Death Eaters".

This sentence sounds a little formal: "I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time, but your grandmother insisted that you not be told." Now, maybe it's because Kingsley is feeling a bit awkward saying this, but I think most people would say something like, "your grandmother insisted I didn't" or "your grandmother didn't want you to know," rather than "your grandmother insisted you not be told".

This might be a dialect thing, but Kingsley says "Even if I had explained it you," when I feel it should be "explained it to you."

And I can totally understand why Augusta would find it difficult to talk about. Losing your grandson and WORSE THAN losing your son. Because at least when somebody dies, you know they have no more suffering, but in a sense her son might as well be dead, as the person he was is lost to her, but he is still alive and confused and possibly stressed. And she has a constant reminder of the state he's in, so there's no closure.

I found out in my teens I'd an older brother who died before birth or was stillborn - not sure of the details. That was upsetting enough. Finding out your brother was killed at the age of five trying to protect your parents must be even worse.

Oh, that part about his grandmother hardly ever hugging him is STARK. Not that you have to hug to prove love and there's no doubt Augusta loved Neville, but his reaction to Gloria's hug makes it obvious that he DOES feel he missed out on something.

The part about the storefronts becoming dingy is so atmospheric. It really fits the dismal tone of what happened.

Again, this is very minor, as different people call their parents different things, but I don't think the English use "mom" much. That's more of an American thing. I think Neville'd be more likely to say "mum."

Aw, I really like the way the mum gives him a pile of chewing gum wrappers for Benjamin. It's like she's been saving all the ones she'd have given him each time if he'd been alive to visit with Neville.

I really like the last section. There's something very peaceful about the graveyard and a sign that after all the years of war and dictatorship and cruelty, peace is finally descending.

Author's Response: Hi Margaret,

Thank you so much for another lovely review! Seriously, they're always so detailed and helpful. I really appreciate how much time you take on them!

I know that this is pretty tragic. Neville is pretty much all alone by 23, which is hard to fathom, but at least Augusta has been around for most of his life. In my head she was at a ripe old age when she died, although I suppose still somewhat young for a witch.

I can imagine the whole revelation about Benjamin being very upsetting. I think it would be perfectly likely that she might not be able to talk about it. Finding out about this older brother who made that sacrifice would be incredibly tough at any point in life.

Yeah it is stark, but I've always pictured Augusta as very stern. She doesn't really seem very encouraging. In fact, often times I think she is overly hard on Neville. I guess I just don't really see her as a big hugger.

I originally wanted to write the scene with his mum like she definitively remembered Benjamin and gave Neville something different, but I felt like the chewing gum wrappers was more fitting. I'm quite certain she is gone, but maybe, just maybe there is a tiny piece of her that still recognizes her children.

I'm glad you liked the graveyard. I based it off of Kensal Green Cemetery in London. I've never been there myself, but after looking up pictures, I just tried to describe what I had seen.

That is a good way to describe it. Peace is finally descending on the world. Neville has found out about the last of the horrors that has happened to his family and I think now he can finally start to heal.

I'm actually about to go through and start editing everything I've published so far, so thank you for pointing out grammar and spelling errors. When I get hit with a plot bunny, I tend to type really fast, so sometimes things get overlooked. I will correct them during editing!

Thank you again for such an extraordinary review as always!

~Kaitlin


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Review #27, by MargaretLaneBunny Slippers: Kingsley

26th March 2015:
Oooh, I didn't realise each chapter'd focus on a different character. Kingsley is a character I've written a bit about recently and I quite like him. We have a general idea of his personality in the books, but we really only see him in his personal capacity, so there's quite a lot of leeway. Looking forward to seeing how you portray him. We don't even know how old he is. He could probably be anything from 30-80 in the books, but I'm guessing he's going to be an adult by 1981 here anyway.

And almost the first line indicates how old he is in this - presumably around 21 if he's just completed training, so the same age as the Marauders, give or take.

Oh, by the way, I also like the way you gave Frank and Alice an older son. In a lot of stories, they seem to be the same age, more or less, as the Marauders, but considering they were qualified as Aurors, it always seemed far more likely to me that they were older.

It must be hard to raise children when both parties are working as Aurors, but I'm sure Augusta would look after the children if needed anyway.

It's sort of odd to think of Kingsley as young and inexperienced and the Longbottoms as somebody HE probably looks up to, since we're used to seeing him in a position of power in the books.

"“Stop being silly. Everything is fine. They’re probably out for the day. ” He said to himself, even though deep down he knew the words were as empty as the room he currently stood in."
The "he" there should have a small "h" and there should be a comma at the end of the dialogue, as "he said" is part of the sentence.

And yeah, their being out of the day doesn't really make much sense. They don't seem the type to just skip work during a war and got off on a day trip, not from what Kingsley's said about them OR from the fact they repeatedly defied Voldemort.

I'd be inclined to say, "it was evident to him that there had been a massive struggle," instead of "that there was," as the latter sounds a bit like the struggle is going on at the time he's there. I'm being nitpicky though.

Oh gosh, you REALLY capture the horror Kingsley must feel as he comes upon that scene. Finding a child's body, particularly a murdered child is probably one of the worst things to come across and then to see people who had been tortured into insanity. And a little baby in amongst it all. I can well imagine he'd never forget it, particularly since he's at the beginning of his career and probably isn't used to coming upon scenes of such horror. Even though a war has just ended, this is still extreme by any standards.

And I LOVE your use of the bunny slippers to add pathos here.

Oh gosh, when thinking of the horror of the scene, I'd forgotten that they were his mentors, people he looked up to. The thought of seeing say one of my old lecturers in that kind of state is something I don't want to even imagine.

And I like his concern for the baby, even when everybody else seems to have forgotten him.

Oh gosh, the thought of Augusta reacting like that. It's not surprising - a mother learning her son has been tortured to that point and her grandson dead - but it contrasts so strongly with who we know Augusta to be under normal circumstances that it serves to highlight her utter desolation and how much she has lost.

And her strength instantly becomes apparent once she knows Neville needs her.

"They had met in first year," would probably sound better than "they had met first year."

Oh, poor Kingsley. I can see how he feels, though honestly, I feel he's being irrational. The war is over. He, and those he knows, are safer now than beforehand. But I can understand that a sight like that might not exactly leave you responding in the most rational way.

Author's Response: Hi Margaret,

Thank you so much for your lovely detailed review of this chapter!

Kingsley is one of my favorite characters to write! He's one of the only main characters I've repeated so far. I really enjoy playing with characters who we don't know much about. I picture him being just slightly older than the Mauraders...maybe just a few years or so.

I'm glad you noticed that Frank and Alice were a little bit older. I feel like they would've been at least 5 years ahead of the Marauders. Plenty of families wait till a little bit later to have children, so this is kind of what I imagine happening in their case.

I liked the idea of showing a young Kingsley for exactly the reason you mentioned. In the series he is always a leader, so I wanted to show the young rookie side of him. I love making strong characters come across a bit vulnerable or inexperienced.

The scene he comes across is absolutely horrifying. I think it shocks him enough to set his resolve for the rest of his life. I would imagine an experience like that would shape ones character for years to come.

The bunny slippers seemed to show all of the innocence that had been lost, so I had to include them to convey that.

I definitely feel like Kingsley is a caring enough person to notice and care for the abandoned child laying on the floor. I like how this event bonds him with Neville for years to come.

Including Augusta was a must. She's always so fierce in the series, so I really wanted to give just a glimpse into her humanity. As a grandmother, I have to imagine that this moment was her very worst nightmare. I think that Neville absolutely pulls her back from the brink of collapse.

A lot of people have commented on Kingsley being irrational for ending his relationship, but what I think he realizes is that there will always be dangers with his job. Even if the war has ended, he will still be going after criminals and murderers. I just don't think he wants to subject anyone to it.

Thank you again for this lovely review!

~Kaitlin


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Review #28, by MargaretLaneBunny Slippers: The Longbottom Family

26th March 2015:
Wow, that prompt really seems to fit the Longbottoms.

And this is a really interesting situation and I haven't seen many stories written about it.

Oh, gosh, you've given Neville a brother. I assume he's going to be killed, since he doesn't appear in the books. And that WOULD explain the effect on Frank and Alice. Losing your child as well as being tortured would be more than many people could deal with, I would imagine.

Love the reference to the knife magically chopping the vegetables.

I also like the reference to the Longbottoms' jobs, and the fact that they, unlike people like the Potters, are working professionally as Dark Wizard catchers.

Aw, that part about Benjamin helping lay the table is so sweet.

And you give us Benjamin's age pretty naturally. It can be hard to work in things like that, as obviously everybody in the story will know, but referring to Frank's pride in his advanced skills for a five year old makes sense.

Oooh, your reference to the shadowy figures watching them is ominous.

I never imagined the scene playing out like that. I always sort of assumed the Longbottoms had been tracking down the Death Eaters, found them, and being overpowered, but it does make sense that the Death Eaters would want to take out a pair of Aurors who had defied Voldemort three times.

Even the part about their robes blowing around them adds to the feeling of menace.

Though I'd be inclined to change the phrasing of that slightly, as "blowing up" gives the impression of a bomb.

That part about "the tallest of the three" and "the smallest of the three" is a little repetitive. I'd be inclined to just say "the smallest" for the second one, if you have to compare their heights at all.

So they made the same mistake as the Potters, not acting as Secret Keepers themselves.

I like the description of how anybody can be broken. That always struck me as the ridiculous thing about the Potters not acting as Secret Keeper themselves. Even if they had complete faith in Peter (which was silly enough when they knew there WAS a traitor and there was no way of being 100% sure it wasn't him), it was still placing both him and Sirius in immense danger for no good reason, as later books show there is apparently no reason James or Lily couldn't have been secret keeper.

It is very much in character for the Death Eaters to be able to break somebody until they give people away.

Love the way both Frank and Alice's first thought it to defend their family. With small children, that is perfectly natural.

I wonder why Bellatrix thinks the Longbottoms know where Voldemort is. Is it just desperation or has she some reason to suspect they have information? Could it have something to do with the prophecy? They might be connecting his defeat when fighting the Potters with the other family who were possible options. Although that is assuming the other Death Eaters knew about the prophecy, which I'm not too sure about. More likely, it's just because they are both Aurors AND working for the Order of the Phoenix, so they could be presumed to have access to both Ministry information and Order stuff.

Hmm, I'm surprised the Aurors COULD cast the Cruciatus without hatred, but then Crouch/Moody cast it on the spiders, who presumably he didn't hate, so I guess it would be possible.

And that part about how knowing their children are watching and are likely to be severely traumatised by what they see - Benjamin anyway; it's hard to know how much a child who is only a year old would take in, although kids can suffer ongoing trauma from events they don't really remember - is more traumatising for Alice and Frank than the pain, both makes a lot of sense and also tells us something about their personalities - their courage, their love for their children, their protectiveness. The last makes particular sense, since they are Aurors; they chose a job that would allow them protect people, so how much more would they want to protect their own children.

Bellatrix's amusement at their suffering is SO characteristic.

And I was half-expecting her to consider torturing the children. People might withstand torture, but not that of their children.

Love the comparison with her lungs being filled with Fiendfyre. It fits the wizarding world perfectly.

Yikes, I expected Benjamin to die, but the way it happened was still a shock. You described it so specifically and the childish bravery that made him want to protect his parents, without knowing how to do it.

Oh, I LOVE this line: "any fight she had in her died with her eldest son."

And the description of how she still wants to live for Neville. Despite watching her son die, being horrifically tortured, watching her husband tortured, her first thought is still for her baby.

Bellatrix's sadism and the way she is no longer torturing them for information, but just because she enjoys torture and wants to feel she has beaten the Longbottoms is really in character.

I also like the way you show Frank and Alice's reactions to their son's death and how Frank cannot cope with the knowledge he as failed to protect his son, but Alice is still struggling to maintain her sanity in order to protect their other son. Both have a need to protect their children, but at this point, it is affecting them in different ways.

I also like the way you show the difference between Bellatrix and Rudolphus. He is there to do a job and wants to escape the Aurors if possible, whereas she just wants to hurt people.

Author's Response: Hi Margaret!

Thank you first and foremost for leaving me such a lovely, long, detailed review! I always look forward to yours because they have so much useful information in them. :D

Unfortunately, I felt like Benjamin was necessary to explain Frank and Alice. We know of people in history who have been tortured, but there is usually the ability to recover some. Perhaps it causes heavy trauma, but the idea of them both going insane from torture alone seemed off to me. I think the death of a child would be that final little thing that pushed them over the edge.

I'm happy to hear the descriptive stuff about Benjamin came across naturally. You're right. It is hard to work in without making it seem obvious. I re-wrote it a few times before getting to Frank reflecting on it, but once I got there, I was satisfied.

In regards to the Death Eater attacks, I always imagined the attacks being something similar to this. I imagine Bellatrix and friends tracking them down to try and gain information on what happened to Voldemort.

Secret Keepers can definitely be broken as has been demonstrated repeatedly. I agree that it's silly to put others in danger for no reason. In the end, I was always surprised that the Potters hadn't chosen either Dumbledore or Sirius. They are about the only two people who I think would've literally died before telling.

I agree that their jobs and training would make them be more inclined to be protective, but I think most parents in that situation would be naturally focused on protecting their young. There is something in that parental instinct that most people feel that drives people to do insane things when their child's safety comes into play.

I considered having Bellatrix torture the children, but I thought that would be too much. I think just the threat of it alone would be sufficient to keep Alice and Frank in line.

I hated writing that scene with Benjamin because he was my very first OC ever and I really didn't want to kill him off. I thought at least the way he went out was heroic in it's own right and it wasn't a prolonged, messy affair.

Bellatrix is possibly one of my favorite characters in the entire series, so writing her was an interesting experience. She is one of the few people I imagine as evil just for the sake of being evil.

Thank you again for taking the time to leave such a detailed review!

~Kaitlin


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Review #29, by MargaretLaneAlbus Potter and the Pureblood's Secret: A New Seeker

25th March 2015:
Ugh, it's just occurred to me that this replacement really cannot end well. If they are as good as James, it's going to make him feel he was nothing special all along and like the team doesn't need him, but if they are NOT as good, he's going to feel he's let them down by getting injured and not being able to play. On the whole, I think James would prefer to see the team do well, even without him, but that too is bound to be hurtful.

I had to laugh at "third, if you are Hugo, you can't try out." Poor kid.

The imperfect ball might be better. It might make it harder to catch and rule out a few extra people.

That was my immediate assumption too - that being in either James's own year or Albus's, the sixth and seventh years might feel reluctant to take James's place.

Poor James. He really is having an awful time.

I can completely imagine why he wouldn't want to miss the trials and of COURSE he'd want to be involved in choosing his replacement.

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Review #30, by MargaretLaneActions Speak Louder than Words: Betrothed: Rose POV

23rd March 2015:
LOVE the way Rose cannot bring herself to believe it true, as she's been so worried about the other possibility that it seems she didn't even consider that it might NOT be accurate. I think that's pretty understandable.

This line sounds a little awkward: " I think the absolute look of disbelief on mine and Scorpius’s faces had shaken her." I'd be inclined to write something like, "then stopped, possibly shaken by the looks of disbelief on my face and Scorpius's." This is REALLY nitpicky though. But "mine and Scorpius's faces" doesn't sound quite right, as you wouldn't say "mine face."

Oh gosh, I didn't even think about that. I was wondering and wondering what it was that didn't seem quite right to Hermione, but I couldn't pin-point anything. You write prophecies well, having something that gives so much information, but that isn't obvious until the relevance is pointed out.

This should be all one sentence, not two: "Even though we now know that he isn’t the father from the prophecy. He is probably still going to think he is.”

And yes, I don't think Stannous is going to give up this easily.

Uh oh, it's just occurred to me to wonder what he'll plan next. Yeah, I can see two possibilities. He MIGHT realise his mistake, but I don't think he's going to take it that easily. I could see him trying to end this pregnancy, so her first child would be with him. He might not yet realise the details that specify Scorpius and might think the prophecy could refer to either of them, as the one in the books could refer to Harry or Neville and that he could get rid of this threat.

After Hermione suggests they announce the engagement and pregnancy tonight, the part where she lifts her head should be a new sentence, with a capital "s". Same with "She seemed less confident."

Hmm, I wonder if part of Scorpius's problem here is because it's a reminder of the part his grandfather played in the Death Eaters. Probably not a nice thing of which to be reminded.

The part about Ron grumbling about Ravenclaw decorations amused me. In some ways, he has NEVER grown up.

I really love the way you are continuing to show the possible disruption to Rose's career, and Scorpius's and the confusion that is causing her. A lot of stories seem to just have a baby solve everything, but no matter how wanted a child is, and how much support the parents have (like in this case), it's bound to cause adjustments.

Oh gosh, I wonder how Hugo'll feel, missing out on his sister's engagement party. It can't be helped, but he's bound to feel a little left out.

And due October 31st - a celebration in the wizarding world and the anniversary of Harry's parents' deaths. What a perfect date! It'd be great if the child was born that day.

I think if the memories are now doing no more than making her shudder, it's a good indication of how much she has recovered. Considering what she's been through, that's quite a mild reaction.

Yeah, Scorpius is going to have to grow up, now he's about to be a father. I can understand why this is stressful for him, but there will be stressful moments as the child grows up too and he can't just withdraw during them, as his child will need him.

Coming from a neutral country, the reference to Switzerland amused me.

Scorpius is starting to remind me of Remus here - reacting irrationally to the thought that he might be a father, because he is worried that he will somehow be bad for the child.

Poor Rose. It seems like she goes from one difficulty to another. Just as she began to recover from the effects of her trauma that had basically lost her two years of her life, Stannous reappears and her life is placed in danger, and then just as she is resuming her life after being on 24 hour protection and her relationship seems to be going well, all this stuff is stirred up, placing stress between her and Scorpius. She can't seem to catch a break.

Author's Response: Hi there!

Thanks for all of the great tips - I've updated the story to reflect your advice :)

I'm so, so happy that you like the realistic touches that I put into the story - especially regarding the pregnancy and the prospect of new motherhood. I have a much more planned along these lines, as I've got a bit of experience in this area (of being conflicted between your career and personal life :) )

So, I think the MOST I'm excited about is that you agree about Rose's recovery. She IS in a very different place than from the beginning of the story. Her journey isn't over yet, and her strength will definitely be tested in the future, but her recovery is something that I wanted to convey, but handle with care at the same time. Gah - thanks so much!

Yeah, Scorp was sort of blindsided by fatherhood on this one - even if the rest of us saw it coming a mile away. He's still a lost soul in a big way, and Rose realizing that is hopefully going to help him along his way.

Haha - I've sorta laid the drama a bit thick with these chapters. I could say that it's gonna let up.. but that would be a lie ;)

Thanks again for all of your reviews!

♥ Beth


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Review #31, by MargaretLaneJigsaw: Piece #8

22nd March 2015:
To be honest, I think the "T" carved into his body is more of an indication of some kind of dark organisation than the fact that dark spells were used. I'd imagine any spell likely to cause harm to somebody would be considered "dark" anyway, but carving a letter seems to me to indicate an organisation that wants to be noticed.

And YES, there is no such thing as impartial information.

It's also occurred to me to wonder how Fred heard of Roxanne supposedly cheating on Daniel. If he told her brother she cheated on him, without having any evidence she did so, and neglected to tell him of his OWN behaviour and the conflict it had been causing between himself and Roxanne, that strikes me as really nasty, and pretty manipulative, behaviour.

‘So, have you been working on any new products in the shop, dad, since I last came?’
"Dad" should probably have a capital "d" here, as it's being used as a title.

*laughs at the interaction between Angelina and Fred* He may be an adult now, but that doesn't change the fact that she's his Mammy.

OK, this part about Fred saying he wasn't in Knockturn Alley is weird. What exactly is he hiding?

Oh, of COURSE, he's the guy we saw being led out of somewhere, the guy who should apparently know why he was being taken. I'd forgotten about him, in the stress on Armstrong's body being found.

Hmm, I'm wondering about this co-chief executive. It COULD be for business reasons. A publicist doesn't need the wrong kind of publicity himself. But on the other hand, he could have something to hide.

This is sounding very like the Guards' comments on those string of disappearances in the '90s. No evidence to connect them. Despite certain similarities.

I also think it could be interesting to know Feist's own blood status.

Hmm, the last part is intriguing. It sounds sort of like drugs. But even if it is, that doesn't really indicate how it connects with the disappearances. And we don't even know that it is. I'm not even sure whether drugs would exist in the wizarding world - the same type, I mean. I would have expected stuff more like illegal potions. Hmm. It does open a few other avenues.

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Review #32, by MargaretLaneJigsaw: Piece #7

22nd March 2015:
I guess even if it IS Armstrong, the option of suicide still exists. From THEIR point of view, I mean. From ours, it is extremely unlikely, knowing what we do about the fact that there is DEFINITELY something dodgy going on.

My question is more, is it Armstrong, or is he a suspect for the murder? The fact you didn't name the captive as Armstrong makes me suspicious.

I can't help being amused by Roxanne's pondering over whether it is worse to have Miranda adore you or hate you. I think her hatred for Roxanne could be seen as a weird compliment actually. If she didn't see Roxanne as a threat, she wouldn't bother resenting her, which indicates she thinks Roxanne is likely to succeed in her career.

Hmm, they don't know she dated a Hit Wizard or just they don't know he gave her more information than she was willing to pass along? The latter makes perfect sense - she would be hounded to get information if her colleagues and bosses knew she had an "in" to investigations. The former would seem a little more odd. Of course, it COULD just be that they didn't want her colleagues trying to pump him or her for information. Or there could be something more personal to it.

I really like the way the next gen characters aren't so well known here. A lot of stories have them all virtual celebrities and...I don't know... It seems like it's rather a lot of people to be well known. But then, I get the impression that in other countries, the children of Prime Ministers and Presidents and people like that tend to be recognisable, so I don't really know what the most likely scenario is. But while George played a significant part in the war, it was no more than lots of other people, and while two of her uncles are part of the Golden Trio, that's a reasonably distant relationship.

Dominique is one of the next gen characters that seems to vary most from one fanfiction to another - in age and personality. I like the personality she has here.

That did occur to me as an option - that seeing Roxanne do well might make Jane feel more insecure. I've a feeling there could be more to it than that though.

Poor Teddy; it sounds like Victoire is taking the details of this wedding a lot more seriously than he is.

And I am interested in what horrified the Muggles so much. I mean, finding a body can't be nice, but from Dominique's reaction, I have the feeling it's more than just that. It sounds as if it might have been mutilated in some way.

A "T" carved into his right hand. Ugh. That's a bit freaky. And it must also MEAN something. I just wonder WHAT.

I think it would be weirder if traces of Dark Magic HADN'T been found. If he had been murdered completely Muggle style, that'd be weird. Dark curses are surely the norm when it comes to wizarding murders.

And now I'm wondering about the fact he was apparently found close to his home, despite the fact it looked like he was abducted in previous chapters. That again makes me question if the abducted man was him, along with the lack of a name. But on the other hand, somebody suggested in this chapter that no other wizards are missing. Hmm.

I don't think Dark Magic necessarily means Dark Lord types. After all, Harry used Dark Magic, although in one case, it was without KNOWING it was Dark Magic. Now of course, in this case, we can be fairly sure it wasn't an accident or necessity - at least, those are unlikely - but I suspect any murderer would be likely to use dark spells.

Ah! And I was just saying it sounded like nobody else had disappeared. Now, we're back again to the question of which missing wizard was that prisoner. Although, of course, it's possible this Feist only just disappeared.

I firstly assumed this was Hannah Abbott, but that's HARDLY likely if Roxanne described her as a young woman. Hannah must be at least twenty years older than her. And she'd probably be married to Neville at this point. A daughter or niece, perhaps. They would likely be around the right age.

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Review #33, by MargaretLanePrincess: Princess

21st March 2015:
This really does sound like an interesting story. I was thinking I must read it when I saw it first, but then I forgot.

Yeah, she really does sound spoiled. I'd imagine starting boarding school must have been hard under those circumstances. It would be hard for ANYBODY to leave home at 11, unless they were really unhappy there, but when they were given everything they wanted...

I like the effect you show the war as having on Draco. I think he probably would be quite damaged by it, as he was essentially put in a position: "kill or be killed and see your family killed." Then he had his home taken over and saw people tortured in front of him. And he must have had to question everything he believed as he learnt the kind of man Voldemort was.

I'm wondering what hurt Astoria so badly though. Of course, attending school under the Carrows was probably traumatic for everybody, but it sounds as if there may be more to it. Or maybe it was just the contrast with the loving upbringing she'd had beforehand.

Oh, she took part in the actual battle. And at only 16.

I LOVE the way you describe how calming she finds the fountain and I'm glad her nightmares are getting less frequent. Hopefully, she's beginning to recover.

I'd actually like to read an expanded version of this, showing her experiences at Hogwarts, how she settles in and/or her recovery after the war.

I honestly never thought of Astoria as somebody who was likely to have suffered particularly badly in the war. As she was presumably pureblood, but not a Death Eater, I guess I assumed she'd be as protected as it was possible to be. Which probably isn't very when teachers are torturing students and the final battle of a war takes place in your school. But anyway, this gave me a new way of looking at her and has made me wonder about what she was like.

Excellent story.

Author's Response: Hello!
I think more often than not, people who are spoiled tend to be a little arrogant, like Draco was at school, but people don't think about the fact that it's all they know. Luckily, Astoria didn't become a brat when she got to school, but at the same time, it could have easily happened.
I think Draco was put in such a difficult position during the war. I honestly can't imagine him being a horrible person, and I think once the war ended he changed a little, so he could distance himself from his past.
Yes, Astoria stayed behind for the battle, which takes an amount of bravery that I can't even imagine,
I loved the fountain, too. Astoria, and Draco, too, needs something to help her relax and get away from her nightmares,
I'm so glad this made you think of Astoria in a different light. Thank you so much for the review!
Cassie :)


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Review #34, by MargaretLaneThe Wind Beneath Your Wings: The Wind Beneath Your Wings

21st March 2015:
Well, I had to read this. The question of how Hogwarts deals with kids with learning disabilities, even minor ones, has occurred to me. Of course, Harry Potter is set in the '90s, when there was far less provision than today and less children were in mainstream. At least in Ireland, but Hogwarts seems old-fashioned in a lot of ways, so I can see them being no further ahead than us.

I'm glad Roxanne is getting to go to Hogwarts. She'd feel really left out if she had to stay home through her teenage years.

I also like the difference between Angelina and George's attitude and the fact that in some ways, it's playing against stereotype, as Mums are often seen as the ones more likely to worry.

*laughs at the comment about her liking having long hair, but not liking combing it* I was the same at 11.

I like the idea that her magical abilities are average. I hadn't thought how conditions like Down's Syndrome would affect magical ability. I wonder how she'll cope with the essays and stuff, which seem to be a bit more than a lot of average 11 or 12 year olds could manage.

And of course, making mistakes in measurements and stuff with potions could cause serious mistakes.

"Roxanne's eyes" should have an apostrophe before the "s" on "Roxanne's".

I think any parent would cry, knowing they are going to be parted from their eleven year old child for months on end. My dad was almost crying when I went to college and I was coming home each weekend and was 17. And Roxanne's difficulties add a whole load of other concerns to the thought of simply missing your child AND the worries about how they'll care for themselves and all the dangers Hogwarts seems to involve.

Love the last paragraph. It nearly brought tears to my eyes.

This is an excellent story. I'd love to read more about how she manages at Hogwarts, if she can take her O.W.L.S, if she even goes beyond O.W.L. level. Considering how well students seem to have to do to take N.E.W.T. subjects, it seems likely she might not. But then, nor did her dad.

Author's Response: Thanks for this amazing review!

I think Roxanne will need quite a lot of extra arrangements to cope with her studies. I don't think she'll be studying every subject, but rather a few well chosen ones. She might not pass her O.W.L.s, but she'll learn the basics of the subjects she chooses.

Molly


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Review #35, by MargaretLaneJigsaw: Piece #6

20th March 2015:
LOVE the two-a-knut souvenirs. Actually, despite having now had the euro for thirteen years, we still speak of "pound shop" stuff, because "euro shop" just sounds silly.

And I like the way you indicate the ambiance of the cafe.

I remember a LONG era in which mobile phones were expensive enough to be classed as luxuries, so I'm not surprised it'd be quite a while before everybody in the wizarding world had one. There was a local priest who used to have one maybe 5 or 7 years before they became common, probably because of how priests are sometimes called at short notice for last rites.

And of course, it makes sense that journalists would be among the first to use them.

Both Jane and Daniel are clearly hiding something. I doubt they're BOTH involved with the villains. Daniel, I am quite suspicious of, though Jane seems to need money, which could make her corruptible. Hmm.

At least one of them is probably hiding something different though. And I've now considered the possible they are together behind Roxanne's back, but it seems like him cheating on her is a bit too obvious. I kind of suspect his odd behaviour is meant to SOUND like he's cheating on her, but is really something else.

It's also occurred to me that HIS odd behaviour could be accounted for by his job. Perhaps there is more to this abduction than meets the eye. I mean, the Hit Wizards may have had some reason to suspect something dodgy was going down for some time, which would both explain why he was working odd hours and why they appear to be hiding something. I'm thinking something like a new organisation of Dark Wizards forming - there certainly seems to be a group involved in this abduction or whatever it is - and their trying to keep it quiet so people won't panic at the thought of a repeat of the Death Eaters. Or possibly an undercover operation they need to keep quiet.

*laughs* I'm not really a fan of second hand books. They always seem to be in dreadful condition, even those that were only published a few years ago. The books I've had since I was 7 are in better condition than some of the ones I see that were only published in the last five years.

And Al is a Ravenclaw in this too. That's cool. I like seeing him in houses other than Slytherin and Gryffindor. Not that there's anything wrong with his being in either of those houses, but it's nice to see a variety and in the epilogue, he didn't come across as particularly brave or sly to me. Now, of course, that could just be because he's eleven years old and leaving home for the first time, but they wouldn't be the houses that would jump to mind to me for him.

*laughs* I'd say Harry has a LOT of experience with taking care not to be overheard.

He seems very inclined to believe she was cheating, just because he saw her dancing with a guy once.

This sentence is a little odd: "I think he knows something that he’s hiding something from us, even if it has nothing to do with Armstrong’s disappearance." There should probably either be a comma before the "that he's hiding something from us" or else only one something.

*laughs* Roxanne's opinion appears to be the same as mine. Somebody getting a promotion you wanted is a pretty minor reason for murder. Especially for somebody like Simon Upton, who presumably hasn't shown violent tendencies before - if he had, it would be all over the papers, I'm guessing. To kill over a promotion, I think you'd either have to be somebody who resorts to violence easily or else have a pressing need for that promotion - like you were in debt and really NEEDED the extra money or you needed access to something only a person of a higher rank than you are currently at would have. I'm thinking now of the possibility of some kind of conspiracy and the conspirators needing access to certain information they'd need to be at a certain level to be privy too.

Honestly, I'm more interested in these sudden good ideas that Armstrong had. A change in his thinking prior to disappearing is pretty intriguing.

I don't think I like Daniel. He was in a bad mood for months and behaving suspiciously, then he jumped to conclusions and accused her of something with no evidence, especially after HE'D been behaving in a way very consistent with somebody cheating, so if he wasn't, surely he'd consider she might not be either, and yet SHE is the one doing all the apologising. Yes, she DOES owe him an apology for having her arms around an other guy, but HE owes HER apologies for treating her badly and jumping to conclusions and also an explanation as to why he couldn't tell her anything in the weeks before that. I guess he did give a half apology, but really she has a WHOLE lot more to forgive him for than he does her, and he doesn't seem to acknowledge that at all. In fact, he even seems to be continuing to blame her for HIS insecurity.

Oooh, I wonder if this is Armstrong's body. I'm not ready to take that for granted yet, especially with what we've seen, that the characters haven't. It seems likely he is either a prisoner or, possibly, involved in something dodgy. Either way, he might not be the murder victim.

This is getting more and more interesting. The first two chapters didn't intrigue me anywhere near as much as the later ones. I thought they were GOOD, but I wasn't sort of "oh, have I time to read another chapter? I need to find out what happens next" as I am now.

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Review #36, by MargaretLaneAstoria's World: Just the beginning

19th March 2015:
Hmm, the fact that Astoria's mother is screaming right at the beginning COULD be an indication of her character. Now, of course, it's POSSIBLE she's just been calling Astoria repeatedly and is getting irritated, but it's also possible she's the type of person to scream a lot.

And the next sentence answers that.

"Astoria rolled her eyes" and "her mother was always yelling" sound be two separate sentences.

There should also be inverted commas around each time somebody speaks. Like "Astoria. Are you ready yet?" screamed her mother.

Oh, Astoria is in Draco's year in this?

And of course, a family like the Greengrasses would be likely to have a house elf!

You've written "a house elf leded them" instead of "a house elf led them".

I like the way Draco's way of speaking imitates that of his father. It's a reminder that he is sort of imitating his father and trying to be the same type of person, which we all know will have pretty horrible consequences.

For the HPFF Fundraiser.

Author's Response: Thank you for the suggestions and I will try and change them soon.

*Ginny Padfoot*


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Review #37, by MargaretLaneThe Brothers Three: Introduction

19th March 2015:
LOVE the way you've personified War, Pestilence and Famine in the same way as Death has been personified.

Of course, in Ireland, capitalised "Famine" refers to a very specific famine, but that's rather different.

I like description of greed as smelling like sewage. That is not a comparison I would ever have thought to make.

There is some majestic about your style of writing here, which really fits with the speech patterns of the embodiment of something so powerful as Death.

And I like her particular hatred of pride, as of course, it is death that puts an end to all pride.

"But gravedigger didn't stop in his story" sounds a bit awkward. It might sound better as "the gravedigger," unless you have left out the article for a particular purpose.

Hmm, that part about what his mother said on her deathbed is intriguing. There's a depth there, giving an indication of a whole background to the character.

That part about them having the second son because they knew how the elder boy would turn out amused me.

And I LIKE the idea of the youngest brother never being noticed, since we know the gift he will end up with. I also like the fact he is under-age, as it fits with his being underestimated.

That part about Cadmus having children adds to the pathos of his wife's death and makes his anxiety to bring her back more understandable. It's not just for him, but also so his children will have their mother back.

I also like the mention of "the sickness" as it sort of gives the feel of the period.

Antioch does not seem a particularly nice character at all, which I guess fits with the type of person who'd want an Unbeatable Wand.

Really good opening. I will read on, but later, or another day, when I've more time.

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Review #38, by MargaretLaneFor the Greatest Good, the Darkest Evil: For the Greatest Good, the Darkest Evil

19th March 2015:
I really like the way you tie Dumbledore's horror at what Tom Riddle wants to do with his memories of what happened under Grindelwald. It reminds me a little of how anxious so many countries were to avoid World War II, because of what the world had suffered during World War I.

I'd be inclined to start a new sentence for "He wasn't even sure the wizarding world could survive another villain like Grindelwald."

And I LOVE the way Dumbledore points out that terrorising people is not the way to make them reach their potential.

Oooh, that part about how Dumbledore and Riddle both know Riddle's already a monster is CREEPY.

It might be better to use the characters' names earlier in the story. The summary has already told us who they are, so it isn't really creating suspense and the talk of older and younger man or man behind the desk gets a bit awkward in places. It's usually best to use names or pronouns, unless there is a specific reason why you want to draw attention to the fact that one character sees the other as older, younger or whatever or if it is important the reader isn't sure who is speaking.

“So it’s power that you seek then is it Tom?" There should be some commas in that sentence. "So it's power that you seek then, is it, Tom?" Generally, when somebody is being addressed, you use a comma before or after their name.

Dumbledore makes a good point when he points out it's hardly worth ruling the wizarding world if you destroy it in the process.

Tom Riddle comes across as frighteningly insane here, which I guess isn't surprising. A lot of his behaviour is quite irrational.

And I like the way you humanise Dumbledore. He often comes across as invincible, but you have shown that the effort he puts into protecting wizarding Britain is difficult for him, that sometimes, like anybody, he just wants a break. The books hinted at that, with the comment about how he wished people would give him socks for Christmas rather than books, which could be seen as a wish that somebody would see him as a man, with vulnerabilities, who can get too cold, rather than as just an intellectual, and with the insight into his past, and most tellingly, with his reaction to drinking that potion, but as the books are from the point of view of Harry, who idolises him, we don't see it as clearly as this.

And the way that, despite everything, he still hopes there is a way of convincing Riddle to change his ways is SO typical of the best type of teacher. He never gives up on his student, despite what he has become and despite knowing he had behavioural problems from the outset.

His anxiety to save Tom seems to be almost as strong as his anxiety to save the world from him, which is completely in character.

OH! And I really like the way you connect it to his friendship with Grindelwald and how he wishes he could have convinced Grindelwald to change, so he could have protected people without fighting his old friend. It's like he sees Grindelwald in Tom and believes Tom must have some of the qualities that attracted him to Grindelwald, as well as those which led Grindelwald down the path he eventually chose.

It's a bit repetitive when he repeatedly refers to Tom Riddle as "the man in front of him."

I love Dumbledore's comment about how he will always remember Tom as the boy with great potential. There is a subtle reminder there that the kind of power Tom wants is not the fulfillment of his potential, but rather the failure to reach it. And there's always a refusal to judge or completely give up on anybody that is typical of Dumbledore. No matter how much harm Tom does, Dumbledore will always remember it COULD have been different, that if somebody had reached him, then maybe he could have been a better person.

I love the way you interpret both of these characters. It's totally in line with what we know from canon.

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Review #39, by MargaretLaneJeremy Davies and the lost diadem of Ravenclaw: Hi, I'm Jeremy Davies

18th March 2015:
I really like the idea of this story. A next gen mystery that isn't about the children of the main characters. I also like the idea of the diadem going missing. It's a mystery that could have a LOT of explanations and it's definitely original.

It's a good idea to start a new paragraph each time a character speaks.

Also, you put inverted commas at each side of each piece of speech. Like "Shut up, OK," replied Jeremy. "It's not my fault I'm good-looking."

Hmm, I'm intrigued by this ability to turn into an eagle. It's not exactly being an Animagus, by the sound of it, as that takes a LOT of work, so I am really wondering what it is that has caused it to happen and what part it'll play in the story.

I also wonder if his parents know and if so, if they are worried, because it could well have negative implications.

I'd like to read a little more of the interaction between Jeremy and his father.

Same with the trip to Diagon Alley. Rather than just getting a list of where he went and what he got there, it would be nice to see him going into some of the shops.

I like the part about the wand spelling out profane words.

And typical of Ollivander, immediately recognising how Jeremy is and who he is related to.

Hmm, I suspect there is something relevant about his wand also. The comment about it being a personal favourite of Ollivander's seems significant.

It will be interesting to see what house he's sorted into. I'm guessing Ravenclaw for some reason.

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Review #40, by MargaretLanePermenant Slumber: This is Gospel

18th March 2015:
I LOVE the use of short sentences in this. It fits well with her struggle to remember and with the way we know that she has been attacked. It is a reminder that she is struggling to maintain a connection with the outside world and is only able to do so for short periods.

I never thought of Hermione being able to think while petrified, but it is quite possible she could, and TERRIFYING. It must be so frightening to be still partially lucid, but unable to move or communicate. Especially when she just has these bits of memories and knows it's important she remembers them, but isn't sure why.

I love the way she remembers the luminous green, but not what it is of.

And I like the way Draco is tied in her mind to the incident, both because of his gloating and how they had previously suspected him.

And of course the chances of the Basilisk killing somebody were very high. Really, the odds of people surviving were quite low and in most cases, were just lucky coincidences.

She must feel so helpless.

For the HPFF Fundraiser.

Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing, it means alot, especially as this is one of my personal favourites of everything that I've written :)

I have to admit that before I started writing, I tried to research what happens to Basilisk victims but it didn't come up with anything other than descriptions so I wrote it like this.

My favourite part of writing this was making her slowly piece together the clues and work out what had happened to her using that logic we all know and love her for :)

I agree that it must be quite scary being able to think and remember (for short periods of time) but not be able to see, hear or move. She would have felt frustrated, panicked and probably very confused.

Thanks again for reviewing :)


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Review #41, by MargaretLaneAsylum: Asylum - Torture

18th March 2015:
Your summary is great. There's no need to add the part about it being better than it sounds. To be honest, I think it sounds better without that.

Oooh, the "tick, tick, tick" is ominous.

And I like the description of the Dementors as "foul". There's just something in that word that really indicates the character's disgust for them.

And that part about the sound sending him insane sent shivers down my spine.

I really like the way you contrast his love for her with her indifference to him.

It's definitely not too predictable. In fact, I think it's a pretty original look at their relationship and one that makes a lot of sense. I think it is easier to identify Bellatrix than Rudolphus, but of course, recognising her implies who he is.

I love the implication that he is drawn into the Death Eaters, not so much because of ideology or a desire to advance, but because of his love for his wife and his willingness to follow her into anything she decides to do.

It makes perfect sense, because of course, she WOULD despise him if he refused to sign up, and it sounds as if being despised by her is the worst thing he can imagine here.

And I think it does make sense, under those circumstances, that he would feel remorse. If he did what he did to please his wife, and probably his parents and his friends too, rather than out of a genuine belief he was doing the right thing, then it wouldn't be surprising if he felt remorse.

I would imagine there are more Death Eaters than one might imagine who joined for those reasons. We already know of Draco and Regulus. And it wouldn't be surprising if there were more who got in over their heads.

Excellent story.

For the HPFF Fundraiser.

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! :) And I'll change the summary, I have been meaning to for a while but I kept forgetting about it.

Rudolphus and Bellatrix's relationship has always intrigued me because I just can't picture Bellatrix Black falling in love so a one sided love just seemed the way to go with this. I can imagine them trying to make poor Rudolphus' time in there as miserable as possible just because he is a 'high profile death eater'

I enjoyed writing this and I'm glad you think it's excellent :)


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Review #42, by MargaretLaneDumbledore's Army and the Alchemist's Secret: Chapter 2 : Number 12, Grimmauld Place

18th March 2015:
LOVE the idea of Dean being a good architect. It just adds a bit more detail to a character who we don't really know all that much about the personality of.

And calling the place after Fawkes is inspired and makes a lot of sense. Hopefully, the wizarding world too can rise from the ashes of the war.

When you talk about the Auror Department being headed by Harry, "headed" doesn't need a capital "h".

Aw, the idea of Dobby and Winky having a baby elf is just so cute.

The idea of Hermione trying to rename the baby is a bit paternalistic though. Which, of course, Hermione can be. Wizards choosing the name, rather than Winky, is all kinds of problematic.

I think it is very realistic that Winky would want her child to raised to serve a master and equally realistic that Harry would be very uncomfortable with this. Especially since Dobby would DEFINITELY want his child to be free.

And of COURSE Percy is talking about politics. Surprise, surprise.

I like Fred and Roxanne being so young. I've always seen them as among the youngest of the family, because I find it hard to imagine George marrying and taking on the responsibility of fatherhood at a young age. Of course, the war and the loss of Fred COULD have changed him, but on the whole, I'd imagine him taking a while before he settled down.

And I like the way you show us George is still struggling to come to terms with the loss of his twin. It sounds like Arthur is worried about him, which is understandable. 19 years is a long time to grieve for.

These sentences, "How many waking hours had he spent hoping that Fred would come back at least as a Ghost. How many years had he spent waiting at the tiny room over their shop hoping he could catch Fred's spirit sneaking in to finish their unfinished merchandise experiments" should have question marks at the end of them.

And I can TOTALLY imagine Fred coming back as a ghost, thinking the next world wouldn't be half as much fun as this one.

Love the line about how, when the Death Eaters killed Fred, they also killed George's soul.

Hmm, Fred sounds like his namesake.

LOVE how Ginny points out that Harry is "not helping".

I suspect Albus will get his secret wish of having a few adventures. Whether he'll enjoy them as much as he expects or not is another matter.

And going on that line alone, I think he will probably be a Gryffindor. Most people would probably be secretly scared of going to Hogwarts, if they heard about murders and battles taking place there, so the fact that Albus reacts by thinking it sounds fun makes me think "Gryffindor".

'"Though I agree that Fred and George did have their influence on him", said Harry.' The comma should be before the inverted commas.

Hmm, I wonder what Lily is up to. I doubt you'd bring it up if she was just eating sweets.

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Review #43, by MargaretLaneHere And Now: Chapter 2

18th March 2015:
Molly sounds like SUCH a chip off the old block. You've only just introduced her and already we have a pretty clear idea of her personality, or at least how James views her, which might not be synonymous with reality.

Fair play to her for not letting the fact SHE'S in Gryffindor bias her. It is a problem with the prefect system at Hogwarts, that prefects have an incentive to let their own housemates away with things and to punish students from other houses unnecessarily.

Yes, yes I can blame him for hating cats for all the reasons that make them awesome.

"Something akin to an infatuation with me" would sound better than "something akin to infatuation with me."

Jamie a girl's name? OK, googling says it's been used as a girl's name since the 1990s, especially in the U.S. and Canada, but I still wouldn't expect an English kid to think of it that way, when it's been a guy's name longer and is more popular for boys than girls. And teachers would DEFINITELY not assume it's a girl, unless they are trying so hard to remember the modern use of the name and not make assumptions that they go too far to the opposite extreme and assume it must be the opposite of what they'd naturally expect.

*laughs at James daydreaming through the sorting even though his brother is about to be sorted* It's a good way of getting quickly to the relevant part though.

I LOVE James's asides like "who has yellow eyes?" and that he'd never get used to calling Neville "Professor Longbottom". It seems like the real way people think, rambling off into sidelines and so on.

"I'm just saying, wasn't Goyle the kid who's mum swore that she'd disown him in he ended up in any House apart from Slytherin?" I think it should be "whose mum" since it's not short for "who is" or "who has".

Atticus sounds like a pretty annoying and judgmental person.

OK, I didn't really expect that. I would have expected Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw for your Albus actually.

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Review #44, by MargaretLaneHere And Now: Chapter 1

18th March 2015:
Aw, poor Albus. Running through the barrier for the first time can't be easy.

And I LOVE the comparison between James and a banshee.

Your comparisons in general are really good actually. I like the one between Ginny and a demon too.

Albus comes across as a rather dramatic kid here. "James was doomed."

You use James's name rather a lot. In some cases, it might sound better if you used "he".

I also think Ginny would PROBABLY say "is this how your father and I raised you?" rather than "is this how Harry and I raised you?" Parents tend not to use the other parent's first name to the children, but then this is probably a family specific thing, so I'm being rather nit-picky.

And I doubt an English family would talk about "vacations".

LOVE the interaction between James and Lily. And I LOVE the way you describe her "superb acting skills" It really gives us an insight into the character and lets us get to know her.

And hmm, it sounds like something pretty interesting is going on with Ginny. I assume it's going to be connected to the plot of the story, but how I'm not sure. If it were Harry, I'd assume something was going on in the Auror offices, but Ginny doesn't seem likely to have a connection with anything major.

I like the part about Harry having suffered severe PTSD. It makes sense that the war would have effects on people's mental health and it's nice to see that recognised.

Something really DOES seem to be bothering Ginny though. I'm intrigued.

Looks like Scorpius and Al might become friends here. That could get interesting further down the line. Imagine Lucius Malfoy's reaction if he found out his grandson had befriended a Potter.

*sighs* Zoey and Scorpius both seem to have some stereotypical views on girls for 11 year olds. When WE were eleven, we were totally of the opinion girls could do anything boys could do and that stereotypes like that were TOTALLY out of date. And you'd think the stereotypes would be less common in the wizarding world, where women seem to do the same jobs as men and have done so for centuries. But these ideas just seem impossible to get rid of.

And he honestly thinks it's a compliment to say she's not like all those other girls, rather than admitting his views on girls might be inaccurate. I hope he learns as he gets older.

I am looking forward to seeing what houses they are sorted into.

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Review #45, by MargaretLaneJigsaw: Piece #5

17th March 2015:
LOVE the description of London at the beginning of this chapter.

Hmm, I wonder who this guy in the skyscraper is. Sounds like it's SOMEBODY in Conjuring Communications. Probably not Armstrong, but even THAT, I wouldn't COMPLETELY rule out. I assume this is the office of Conjuring Communications though, so it seems IMPROBABLE Armstrong would be there, although if he IS missing of his own account, it would be POSSIBLE for him to Floo or Apparate in without being seen. Unlikely though, as it'd be quite a risk.

And I wonder who have come for him - Hit wizards or the villains. Either is possible. If he's one of Armstrong's colleagues, particularly if he's Upton (there is a song about the "Lonely Woods of Upton" by the way), it is quite probable the Hit Wizards would want to question him. But it is also possible the villains may intend abducting more than one person.

I am sort of getting the impression it's the villains, but I guess we'll find out soon enough if somebody else disappears mysteriously. I sort of doubt the Hit Wizards would be that menacing, not without strong reasons to believe this guy IS involved in something criminal.

If they ARE villains, it seems like the man mentioned knows something.

And we're getting to meet more cousins. Yay.

Hmm, that part about people suspecting the Hit Wizards are about to question Upton makes it possible it is them in the first part of the story. Or maybe they'll go to speak with him and find he's disappeared too. Either way, I'm starting to think the man mentioned at the start might be him.

Or maybe that's what you WANT us to think. I have to keep in mind that you took care not to mention his name too. That indicate he might not be who we think he is.

Hmm, I'm starting to wonder if there's a reason Jane is avoiding her. You've tied it closely to the Armstrong story, so perhaps she knows something. Or perhaps she's just jealous that Roxanne's career is progressing. Or perhaps it's all coincidence. I must remember not to ignore her as a possible suspect though.

I'm also pretty suspicious of Daniel. It's clear there's something he's not telling her and it's quite possible he got involved in something dodgy.

I wonder if Fred knows about how Daniel was treating her all along. That strikes me as a good deal worse than just dancing with another guy.

LOVE the fact Lily's a Hit Wizard. I've read SO many stories where any combination of Albus, James, Scorpius, Hugo, Teddy and so on are Aurors and Lily and Rose are something like Healers or work in the Ministry. Not that there's anything wrong with the latter jobs, but I just feel like "why can't Lily ever be an Auror?" And this is close enough.

I actually like the fact the characters involved are Hit Wizards rather than Aurors too, as they rarely seem to appear in stories.

Poor Roxanne. But she really is pretty young. She has LOADS of time to meet the person she'll settle down with. Or to get back with Daniel if that's what's right for them both.

But I guess it's not going to feel that way immediately after a break up.

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Review #46, by MargaretLaneRiddikulus: Riddikulus

17th March 2015:
*grins* I was thinking the aftermath of the war would be pretty stressful for Minerva McGonagall. After all, the guy who was her mentor for so many years had been killed, she presumably takes over as Headmistress, attempting to fill his shoes and she's spent the past year watching students being tortured, with her ability to protect them severely curtailed. She's a very strong person, but I think that would tax anybody.

I've never read a story about her feelings in that situation before, so delighted to see this.

I hadn't expected the boggart to turn into that, but now that I think about it, I should have. I did always feel she'd think she left Dumbledore down by not doing more to protect the students from the Carrows and in the Battle of Hogwarts.

Gosh, how could you make that amusing?

When the boggart-Dumbledore says, "Minerva, how could you?" there should probably be a comma after "Minerva".

And oh gosh, the way he sounds disappointed rather than angry. I can well imagine that would be far more upsetting, especially since if he sounded angry, it would be a reminder this wasn't really him, since I think she would know Dumbldore wouldn't react like that. Of course, she knows it's not him anyway, but when it replicates his so understanding, more in sadness than in anger tone, it must be harder to distinguish between the reality and what she is seeing.

The description of Lavender sent shivers down my spine.

I like how solicitous and understanding Winky is towards her.

And McGonagall's laughter at Winky's puzzlement. At least she can still laugh, despite everything.

LOVE Winky referring to the boggart as "the Changer". That sounds JUST like something a house elf would say.

And I like Minerva's comment about how it doesn't feel like lies. I think it makes a lot of sense it'd feel that way. She's had a pretty tough time.

LOVED this story. 10 out of 10.

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Review #47, by MargaretLaneShackles of Fear: Shackles of Fear

17th March 2015:
In the first line, you've written "full grow phobia." Should it be "full grown"?

It is a pretty intriguing line though. Of course, people can fear anything, but I'm guessing it is going to have some relevance and it definitely sets an ominous tone to the beginning of the story.

You set the tone really well actually.

Oooh, that part about the monsters' claws turning into wands, as his fears become more realistic sent shivers down my spine.

Yikes, thinking you've gone blind would be so, so scary. Even without a fear of the dark. With that, he must be absolutely terrified.

Wow, I love the way you portray his fear. It seems so realistic. And the part about the choked sob is so emotive. It really makes me feel for him.

And the end is so depressing, as he believes there is a way out of this when we know there's not.

Yikes, if he was dealing with this kind of fear, his voluntary participation in the Battle of Hogwarts becomes even more admirable.

Actually, a bit of an aside, but apparently in the 1916 Rising, which we'll commemorate the centenary of next year, some of the younger boys in Pearse's school snuck into Dublin city centre to try and help. Thankfully, none of THEM were killed.

Excellent story. You really make me feel for him. I am in utter awe of how well you portray how he is feeling.

10 out of 10.

For the HPFF Fundraiser.

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Review #48, by MargaretLaneTantrum: Tantrum

17th March 2015:
I've decided to review a story or two of yours, mostly because there are a few that sound really awesome, and also because you're so fantastic about reviewing everybody else.

LOVE the introductory paragraphs. They sound so authentic for a child's voice and I can TOTALLY imagine Fred and George trying to trying a younger sibling up as an apprentice, so to speak.

And I'm not sure they did such a bad job. Ginny seems like she's capable of a few pranks in canon.

"Tantrums" shouldn't have an apostrophe before the "s" as it's not a possessive.

Youngest kids can get away with so much if they get upset. Everybody thinks the older ones MUST have been mean to them, and if the older ones try complaining about the younger ones being mean, they just get, "ah, she didn't know any better," or "sure, what could she do?" or "did you do something to her first?"

And poor Ron. The older kids won't let him play with them, so he's stuck with his baby sister.

I love the idea of Ginny being protective of him. It seems in character for her.

You've a couple of paragraphs with no spaces between them in the middle.

The comment about Molly having superpowers amused me. Mummy-powers.

*laughs at Molly sending Fred and George to Arthur* He's not HALF as scary as she is.

I love the way you write the children and how well you capture their voices.

For the HPFF Fundraiser.

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Review #49, by MargaretLaneLily Potter And The Lunar Problem: Chapter 3 - Home again

17th March 2015:
Lily does seem a lot better now.

Hmm, Lily seems to be a good Seeker, especially since she's only 11 and just out of hospital. I can see her making her house team in a couple of years - that is if the lycanthropy doesn't prevent it. After all, depending on how you portray her lycanthropy, it is possible she might not be able to play if there were a match shortly before or shortly after the full moon.

I wonder what house she will be in actually. I've a feeling Gryffindor, mainly judging by how well she seems to have coped with her experiences. It takes a fair amount of courage to deal with being attacked, spending time in hospital when you are only eleven, dealing with the transformation and the knowledge you are now a hated Dark creature. Of course, the last might be easier for an 11 year old than somebody older as they might not have developed the ideas somebody older would and knowing of Remus and how respected he is, she might not have really considered how misunderstood and badly treated werewolves really are.

Could they really Floo when they are outside? They'd need a fireplace, after all.

*laughs at Lily sneaking out Albus's extendable ears* I'm surprised he doesn't take them to school with him actually. And he's so annoyed.

"Yanked out and hid by Hugo" doesn't sound quite right. Perhaps it's just British slang I'm not familiar with, but I would have though "hidden by Hugo" would sound better.

Love the part when Ginny stumbles over the reference to Fred and George. It's so natural and sad.

20 Galleons seems like rather a lot of pocket money. I know the conversion is VERY questionable and this is 20 years after the time of canon, when there would presumably have been inflation, but googling seems to indicate a Galleon is worth about £5 or over $7 and £100 pocket money seems rather a lot. Were there any Galleons in the Weasleys' bank account when Harry saw it.

James seems to be into the whole detection area. Everything he bought would be useful in solving any mysteries which might arise at Hogwarts. Though, there probably aren't so many now that Voldemort is truly defeated.

Lily seems to be the typical spoilt youngest child, who always manages to avoid trouble, and I guess her lycanthropy will make that even more true in the future. Who is going to want to get annoyed at a poor kid who's been through so much just before starting Hogwarts?

I do think her lycanthropy seems to have been neglected a little in this chapter. I would imagine she'd have some anxiety still, especially about starting school and what her classmates would think if they found out and stuff. While I do think it's realistic to show life going on and her continuing to plan pranks and so on, I do think she would be somewhat changed by her experiences, at least for a while.

For the HPFF Fundraiser competition.

Author's Response: For the matter of the fireplace, they flooed back from Hugo's house. I was assuming that the potter family had become very rich over the years, so hence the money. For the most of this chapter, Lily was caught up in stuff and was able to forget about her lycanthropy for then.

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Review #50, by MargaretLaneAlbus Potter and the Pureblood's Secret: James's Return

17th March 2015:
Happy St. Patrick's day.

Some of our politicians are probably over in New York actually, on the annual exodus.

*laughs* Yeah, I hadn't thought about that. Who'd believe a guy caught in a crime over somebody as well known as Burke.

*laughs at Rose objecting to the assumption all girls want to go to Madame Puddifoot's* Why doesn't that surprise me?

Yeah, I really don't think it'd be a good idea for Matt to drink.

And I think Matt in particular should understand about James needing the Marauder's Den, although, on the other hand, he might be worried about anybody else using it. I don't think John and Kaden would mind, not when it's James, who is hardly likely to care what they are plotting.

And people shouting like that, with his headaches, was never going to end well.

*laughs* The whole paperwork taking forever is pretty much the same here. Though of course, they have to process applications from hundreds of schools here, whereas wizarding Britain only has one.

I'm not surprised James is considering leaving school. Even under normal circumstances, I doubt his exams would be his top priority. And now...

And James's description of how he feels reminds me of the Spoon Theory. I don't know if you've read it.

Aw, I really like the last line.

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