Reading Reviews From Member: MargaretLane
  
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Review #1, by MargaretLaneThe Start of Something: Prompt 2 - When Darkness Fades

26th November 2014:
I really like the first line here. I'm assuming it's the end of the war and I can well imagine Harry'd be tired after everything he's been through.

I can also imagine he'd feel empty. He's spent the last two years trying to defeat this man, knowing he and only he can do so, and the four before that wondering exactly what is going on and knowing that for some reason Voldemort wants to harm him. And now it is over.

The part about him not knowing how to heal is sad, but hardly surprising.

And I like the acknowledgement there may be followers of Voldemort still out there. After all, things don't end neatly.

Oooh, that part about Hogwarts not being his home anymore is creepy. It makes sense though. The place that has been his home for so long has now become a battleground, a place he almost died and that some of those he cared about - Remus, Fred - DID die.

Hmm, that's interesting about Theodore Nott running away. Not many people would do that.

It sounds like you've created a pretty interesting back story to Theodore Nott. He is a rather interesting character, since we know little about him other than that his father was tied up with the Death Eaters. It leaves plenty of possible speculations.

And I'm wondering if the Aurors who took his father did so when the Ministry was under Voldemort's control or not. If not, why would they try to take a teenage boy who has committed no crimes and if so, why would they take a man who appeared to be on Voldemort's side. Interesting.

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Review #2, by MargaretLaneSynergy : Synergy

26th November 2014:
I'm guessing straight off that the big man is Hagrid. You portray his speech patterns well and they are HARD.

I like the comment about how Hagrid knows Buckbeak wouldn't hurt him. It shows the understanding he has of his dangerous creatures and the trust there is between him and Buckbeak.

I also like Hagrid's comment that his class will love Buckbeak. You can see his pride in her and his excitement about teaching a class, which was made very clear in the books.

And love the way you contrast Hagrid's comfort around animals with his nervousness around people.

This seems to be just a list of stuff I like, but I also like the way Buckbeak describes the class in terms of a pack, as those are the terms he understands.

The final two paragraphs genuinely made me smile. You portrayed the exhilaration of the moment so well, I could almost feel it with them.

Sorry this review is quite short, but it's a really excellent story and really gives an insight into what Buckbeak is thinking. It can't be easy to portray an animal's point of view like this, but you do it really well - the things he doesn't understand, like just what a class is or why Harry is approaching him and the things he does, like Harry's respectful treatment of him and Hagrid's genuine love of him.

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Review #3, by MargaretLaneAlbus Potter and the Pureblood's Secret: Dawlish's Plan

25th November 2014:
YAY, more Albus. I completely understand being busy though and I am amazed at your usual update schedule. Mine tends to vary between a week and about a month/six weeks. And of course, slower updates means this series lasts longer, which is good, especially as there's less than two years to go.

At one point you've written "trail" instead of "trial".

Poor Matt. This is really stressful for him. Unsurprisingly.

Oooh, I hope James gets recruited. Of course he'd be nervous. I just hope his nerves don't cause him to mess up in front of the scout. Of course it's the same for the Hufflepuff Seeker. I'm guessing that maybe scouts go to college matches in the U.S.? I know ye're college sports are important. In Ireland, our main sports (Gaelic football and hurling) are all-amateur. I don't know how the national soccer and rugby teams recruit or the provincial rugby teams.

For a moment, I thought James was going to make a mess of things. Showing off for the scout rather than keeping his eyes out for the Snitch would't exactly look good. But then he caught it fairly effectively.

When Albus is looking for Elsie's statement, you've written "it there was still a significant risk." I guess you changed from "it was still a significant risk" to "there was still a significant risk" or vice versa and didn't remove something.

*laughs at the reference to Ron's handwriting*

Hmm, that part about the file being blank is interesting. It's possible it's written in some kind of ink that'll only reveal itself to certain people, but it's also possible there's nothing there because what they are doing is dodgy.

I'm glad Dawlish isn't going to tell Johnson, but I don't 100% trust Dawlish - in fact, I don't trust him at all, so I'm not sure this mightn't cause problems later.

*laughs* It makes sense they'd be protected by spells. Wizards could probably get into locked drawers quite easily and some could even get into drawers locked by complex spells.

I kind of agree with Johnson that in theory Elsie's nervousness COULD be due to being caught out of bounds. While a few detentions isn't a big deal to an adult, it could well be to a young teenager and just being questioned by adults when you've done wrong is enough to worry a kid in some cases, but in this case, clearly there is more to it. And I guess, as Dawlish says, he's been an Auror a long time and probably knows the difference between the nervousness caused by hiding something and the nervousness caused by "I did something wrong and my parents and teachers will be cross with me."

O.K, so Dawlish is working with Harry and the others. Or says he is. I still don't entirely trust him. We only have his own word for any of this and it doesn't sound ENTIRELY convincing that the entire Auror programme is just so Albus can get into the Auror Department and pass them information from Hogwarts. After all, Harry is already there and if that WAS the reason, I would have expected Harry or Hermione to have told him.

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Review #4, by MargaretLaneFriendship never dies: Friendship never dies

24th November 2014:
I love the idea of your showing fraternal bonds can last a lifetime by showing how their friendship continues even after Sirius's death.

And poor Remus, feeling he failed Harry. That is so typical of him.

And aw, his teenage years must have been SO hard, between going through the transformations without Wolfsbane and worrying what people'd think of him if they found out. Poor Remus.

*laughs at Sirius boasting about how he is the one doing the clean living, even if he's not alive, now* Yeah, I think he'd be amused at Remus drinking to excess, but also worried, because it's not really characteristic of Remus to do so.

And aww, Remus thought he lost all his friends - two to death and one to betrayal. But just as he gets one back and learns he hasn't betrayed them after all, he dies. After only two years, which hardly make up for the 11 in between.

And I love the way you show their friendship even when they're not in their human forms.

And the last line really fits with the intent behind the challenge. Great story.

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Review #5, by MargaretLaneThe Show Must Go On: The Show Must Go On

24th November 2014:
I know this is a couple of years old, but it sounded interesting. And I do have five chapters in total to review for you.

LOVE the way he feels he's been a puppet all his life, with somebody else pulling his strings. It's pretty accurate and shows how he feels his life is slipping out of his control. And also shows character development, as he was always so arrogant and would never have admitted to being a puppet prior to the events of Half-Blood Prince.

LOVE Hermione declaring that one of the reasons for her relationship is to prove Voldemort is wrong. That is SO like her, to make a cause even of falling in love.

I'm not usually a romance fan and certainly not a Draco/Hermione fan, but I like the way this explores the issues in their relationship, the fact he is essentially betraying everything she believes in, although he is doing so because he feels he has no choice, because he feels it's the only way to save his family. The reason I don't usually like the relationship is because so often, it glosses over the difficulties that would arise.

I feel you are using the name "Draco" rather a lot. There is only one guy in the conversation between him and Hermione, so there isn't really any need to identify him by name and it starts to sound a little repetitive.

"He pulled on his boxers," should have a capital "h" on "he".

And it makes sense that Lucius would join the Death Eaters to protect his family. He may be evil, and even if he WAS forced to join the Death Eaters, he still put people at risk in Chamber of Secrets, just to undermine Arthur, but he clearly loves his family. And this explains why he'd do something as dangerous as joining what is, essentially a terrorist organisation. He seems more the type to think Muggles aren't worth bothering about.

"Now she was confused," should have a capital "n" on "now."

And "did you do it?" should be a sentence on its own.

That must have been so hard for Hermione. She loves Draco and she knows he's being forced into doing this against his will. And of course, he didn't HAVE to tell her. He has now helped ensure people are protected. But on the other hand, she now knows it is only sheer luck he didn't murder one of her best friends. It must be hard to forgive him for that.

I find it interesting the way she admires the fact he's doing something for a cause, even when that cause is evil. It's clear she sees a similarity between them. I like the way you connect the risks he is taking here to her obsession with causes.

And the pressure he is now putting her under - basically telling her that he has to possibly cause other people's deaths in order to protect her life, which is bound to leave her feeling guilty after the way the night ends. Poor Hermione.

I find it a little odd Draco knows Voldemort intends him to die though.

I can see why she is more worried about him than about Harry. At least Harry BELIEVES in what he is doing and has some sort of choice. Draco is convinced he will die either way and one way, he will die doing evil, but the other way, he will cause the deaths of those he loves as well as his own. That's much worse than risking your life to save the world - not that the latter is great either.

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Review #6, by MargaretLaneI'm Sorry, Mama: One

24th November 2014:
Apologies for the delay with this. I had a few really busy weeks.

Oooh, the beginning here is really creepy. You create the atmosphere really well.

And the idea that the character feels that whatever happened is his fault for having been born is sad.

For a moment, I was wondering if the character was a ghost when you mentioned him dying as a baby, then I realised ghosts don't age and then I read the next line about how the Healers had revived him.

So sad that he feels unloved and as if he's not good like his dead brother. It makes a lot of sense that being a replacement for his dead brother, he'd feel he couldn't live up to him.

I think it might be better to use the full name of dissocial personality disorder in the story rather than DPD. I didn't know what you were referring to and googling firstly got me a delivery company and then a number of conditions including forms of depression.

The comment about her not deserving peace was creepy. For a moment, I thought he was going to try and kill her and it sounded like he did too, but then he realised he couldn't do it to his father.

There seems to be some degree of ambiguity in his attitude to his mother. On one hand, he clearly hates her, understandably and only refrains from killing her out of loyalty to his father. But on the other hand, he doesn't point out he isn't his brother even when doing so might hurt her, and apologises at the end, even though he doesn't mean it. It makes a lot of sense, that conflict, as it's hard for children not to accept their parents' evaluation of them seriously at some level.

And then the whole dissocial personality disorder thing makes it all even more complicated.

Did you make up David's first name? I was looking for his name once and had to make one up on the spot, because all I could find him referred to as was "Nott Sr."

Very good story.

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Review #7, by MargaretLaneActions Speak Louder than Words: Broomsticks and Breathing: Scorpius and Rose POV

23rd November 2014:
Love the name of the pub.

And I like the references to James' job and how he doesn't have to get up early.

Aw, poor Scorpius. He's feeling guilty. I think he should owl Rose and apologise. She's probably feeling pretty bad, thinking he's still mad at her too. And she's been through a lot.

And poor Rose. She's clearly missing Scorpius too. And she's being so girly. Shopping and makeovers. *laughs* I feel like saying, "boring".

And I really like the way she gets stuff for Scorpius, even though he wasn't very nice to her when she really needed him.

I think even if she HADN'T forgiven him, she'd rather more reason to be annoyed with him than Selenia had with Albus.

I really like Rose's sensitivity - that she realises Selenia doesn't want to continue the conversation, so she doesn't even bother to defend herself by saying she has forgiven Scorpius.

And I'm really glad to see her feeling carefree. Gosh, does she deserve it after everything she's been through.

And I'm amused by the way she keeps doubting her father's ability as an Auror. That too shows how much better she's feeling, that she's able to see the humour in an Auror being unable to hide from his own daughter and being surprised by her changing her hairstyle.

I am very impressed with the way you can change from one character to the other, in first person, and have it immediately apparent you've done so. That can be difficult.

There should be a full stop, not a comma, before "I was still laughing, but she knew I was half serious".

I'm not sure that's exactly a compliment - to say he hardly recognised her and that she looked really good. But at least she knew what he meant.

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Review #8, by MargaretLaneKnight Takes Queen: King

23rd November 2014:
So much for Rowena being happy here. *laughs* I hope there's nothing serious wrong with her.

I like the comment where she speaks about it being shameful to be weak. That gives us a real insight into her character.

And aw, Helga is trying to help, but can't see Rowena just wants to be left alone. I can totally imagine Helga being that kind of person. The little we hear about her makes her sound like a very kind person and I can easily imagine her being the type of person who always wants to help, whether help is wanted or not.

And I can imagine Rowena being the type of person to appreciate privacy.

She's dying. Oh, that is sad.

And I like the relationship between them, the way she considers Helga her sister, even if not by blood. And I love the comment that Helga is a queen in heart, which is more important than having the air of a queen.

Somehow I very much imagine Rowena having a regal bearing. She seems the type.

And I like the way it is the school that occurs to her first as she is dying, then her colleagues and then, most importantly, her daughter. It shows the things that matter to her and the fact that she is thinking she can give no more, rather than focusing on the fact she'll experience no more characterises her as a dedicated person.

Love the suggestion of how all three of them stand together. It places them in direct contrast to the relationship with Slytherin, which falls apart. And the way she also considers Godric her brother.

I also like the description of heaven and hell as fire and air.

This is a really original story. I've never read anything else like it.

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Review #9, by MargaretLaneKnight Takes Queen: Bishop

23rd November 2014:
Love the way she thinks she's cursed. Considering the reactions of those around her, I guess it's unsurprising. And I'm now intrigued as to what the attitude towards magic would have been in the 10th and 11th centuries. It's a long time before the era of the witch trials and so on.

And I guess my assumption in the last chapter that the character had done something evil was wrong. It sounds like it's just because she has magic. That's sad.

Love the reference to a campaign against the English, although I don't know what battle it it. I'm guessing it's some fight between Scotland and England since the summary tells us this is about Rowena and I believe she's Scottish.

You know, the early Christian monks in Ireland had an idea of "green martyrdom", which was to leave your country as a sacrifice to God. This was why the Irish monks spread across Europe, rather than a deliberate mission to spread the faith. What she is describing here sounds rather similar.

I am glad she comes to a recognition that how she is born is not what makes her evil or good, but rather how she uses it. I hope the final chapter will show some happiness for her.

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Review #10, by MargaretLaneKnight Takes Queen: Rook

23rd November 2014:
As these chapters are short, I'll review all three. I think that's fair.

And I love the beginning of this. Even before we know who the character is, we're getting an insight into the TYPE of person they are. They're clearly religious, which probably isn't unusual in the Founders' era. And for whatever reason, they believe they're beyond forgiveness. I can't help feeling they did something really bad and that this isn't just a very religious person judging themselves super-harshly. I think it's the language. It gives me the impression something bad has happened.

LOVE your use of imagery. I'm not very good at description, as I may have mentioned before, so this impresses me. Your use of imagery in your Drumstrang story is awesome too, so I've probably said this already. The part about the wind made me shiver.

And I like the way you built the suspense about what it was in the water.

I also like the character's fear. Since they know nothing about merpeople, it's hardly surprising they'd be prepared for the worst.

The part about something scaly slithering across the character's feet again made me shiver.

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Review #11, by MargaretLaneClash: Rupture

23rd November 2014:
Hmm, the title of this chapter sounds ominous.

Oooh, there's a nasty side to Albus here.

And I like the rumours you mention some people coming up with about why he seems to want her around. It makes sense people would start rumours about a guy who seems fairly unlikable.

And Slughorn's still at Hogwarts? Admittedly, he is in the first story of my next gen series too.

And I half-laughed at a immortal creature being on the verge of dying out. Very ironic all right.

You've created a pretty savage world here in many ways - magical creatures dying out, Rose's family dying, her imprisonment. Rather different than how the world of the next generation would usually be portrayed.

And gosh, it's hardly surprising things ended for her as they did - losing her parents, her brother dying, living with a family falling apart. Poor, poor Rose.

And poor Lily. I get the impression she's struggling to cope with the loss of a father, her mother's alcoholism and possibly her brother's cruelty. And who could blame her?

That part where Albus asks if she really knows what he's capable of is creepy. I really wonder what made Albus the man he is. His cruelty and lack of empathy is so extreme.

And yet, you then show a degree of softness in how he reacts to Rose and promises not to hurt her.

I wonder what she did that was so bad it could lead to a 15 year old facing time in Azkaban, despite the fact it saved somebody's life. Hmm, from what she's implying to Hugo, it sounds like it could have had some horrific side effects. And I guess that is indicated. The wizarding world may be corrupt, but even Hagrid only got expelled when they thought he KILLED somebody and was only lucky not to have killed many more. I know they thought it was an accident and just Hagrid's love of monsters, but it still indicates a degree of leniency for kids.

Sorry about the delay getting to this, by the way. I was insanely busy for a couple of weeks.

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Review #12, by MargaretLaneChangeling: Chapter 3

23rd November 2014:
I'd be inclined to go down to a new pargraph when Siofra replies, "yeah, sure. What's a house elf?" You generally start a new paragraph when a new character speaks.

I'd also put a full stop after "Siofra thought to herself" and make "she didn't think people still had servants any more" a new sentence.

LOVE the reference to the Malfoys. That sounds just like them

*laughs* Your thinking about the Irish attitude to pureblood prejudice matches so well with the discussion Leonore and I had when we were developing an Irish Ministry - the whole idea of things not being as openly prejudiced here, but there still being a tradition that the old families had the positions of prominence.

And I really like the way Siofra's mum is worried she'll find out something upsetting about her birth family, but doesn't want to say because she doesn't want to upset Siofra and she knows it's equally possible they may have had some perfectly innocuous reason for not being able to raise their daughter.

I would have wondered if it has something to do with the wizarding war, but 1990 was a fairly peaceful time in the wizarding world, so that seems unlikely. Had it been ten years earlier or six years later, they could have been killed in one of the wars.

I suspect there may be some relevance to the fact she was born only less than a year before Harry started Hogwarts.

*grins at the mention of Gaelic football* One of the things I have to remember writing British characters is that to them soccer is "football".

And JUST a paragraph or two before you mentioned it, I was thinking "I wonder if an Irish wizarding school would have the students go home for weekends," both because the country is so much smaller and because we have less of a tradition of leaving home so completely.

And of course, in a smaller country, it makes sense that all the girls in each year could share a dormitory.

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Review #13, by MargaretLaneRainfall: Lavender

23rd November 2014:
LOVE the first paragraph here. You do SUCH a good job of showing us the things Hugo would notice. You write WAY more descriptively than I do and I have the benefit of being able to show sights.

The Healer's hesitation sort of gives everything away.

And even though I half-expected Rose to suffer long-term effects, even serious ones; I didn't expect them to be THIS serious. I would never have thought she might not remember how to talk and stuff. I thought it would be more like the early stages of Alzeimher's, with her not being able to remember stuff she's learning at school or forgetting her memories of childhood or going into a room and forgetting what she went in for or stuff, not forgetting how to walk or talk. It's worse than I could even have imagined. I certainly wouldn't have imagine their forgetting to breathe.

You don't do things by half, do you?

Those parts about what she isn't responding to are just scary. Poor, poor Rose.

And poor Hermione. The way she is looking for reassurance, no matter how vague really shows how helpless she feels and how terrified she is. Hermione always wants to KNOW. The fact she is now looking for reassurance, rather than information and pleading for a phrase she was complaining about only a few moments earlier really shows her terror.

I think the uncertainty, when the Healer is pretty much replying to various questions with "hopefully" and stuff, would be terrifying, especially for Hermione, as she always likes to KNOW.

The part where he hears the sound of the hospital wing even at school is sort of creepy and a bit like where my conversation with Callaghan is going.

And of course, being blind, the similar smell is probably even more likely to trigger memories than if he could SEE how different his surroundings were. Poor Hugo. *huggles him* And that sort of fits with the challenge we were discussing, although obviously, it wouldn't really work as an entry, being only a couple of lines.

Ahh, not being able to write is dreadful. That makes bad things even worse, because then you've the annoyance of not being able to write as well as whatever else is bothering you.

And yes, it must be so hard to know he hadn't seen her for months before all this happened and that he barely said much more than goodbye to her.

You are SO good at creating atmosphere. I can almost feel the awkward silence and weirdly enough, I've just mentioned awkward silence to you elsewhere, even though that wasn't literal silence.

I actually shivered at the line about lavender and funeral whispers. Creepy and sad.

I can't help giving a slight smile at the improvements even if they are slow.

And I like the mention of lavender in the Healer's office. It's like it's haunting Hugo.

And you must have cackled when I asked why Rose couldn't speak Irish!

That part where Hermione said, "Mummy's here," came close to bringing tears to my eyes.

And LOVE the comment about how Hermione is supposed to be the strong one. YES. But something like that happening to your child would be enough to break anybody, especially after all Hermione's already been through.

And the way she just accepts what the Healers do. It's a little like Lydia in "No Room at the Inn", when she just accepts whatever is suggested to her.

Shouldn't "stairlift" be one word?

And the fact that Hugo, the baby of the family is the one taking charge here is SO heartbreaking. It shows both the pressure on a ten year old boy AND how helpless his parents must be feeling.

*laughs at nobody being stupid enough to change anything in his room* It's the one line that makes things sound normal. It's such an ordinary-Hugo comment.

Fairies in Irish mythology are pretty scary. It's actually been suggested as one of the reasons for the lack of witch trials here - that misfortune was blamed on the fairies rather than witches.

I love the way you show the changes in Hermione's personality throughout the chapter. And the fact Ron seems to be dealing somewhat better.

And the end again is a little like No Room at the Inn, with both using the idea of how the character is coming home as a reminder of how everything has changed.

This chapter is so sad and you've captured the desolation so well. 10 out of 10 and I don't give that easily.

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Review #14, by MargaretLanePast Tense: first.

21st November 2014:
Oh, is this set today, more or less? If she was born in 1992 and is now 22, it'd be 2014.

Poor, poor Steph. It sounds like she was made to feel inferior for being a Squib.

I find the part about her telling her flatmates about magic kind of amusing.

And I can totally understand her being happy not to have gone to Hogwarts. I always thought that if I had got a letter from Hogwarts when I was 11, there is no way I would have wanted to go. Go away to a foreign boarding school, far away from my family to learn subjects I'd never heard of and that wouldn't qualify me for what I wanted to do when I was grown up and only getting six weeks at home for the summer! Yeah, no. OK, I know the short holidays and being away from her family are true for her too, but she has the greater range of career options.

And I don't know what "vines" are.

Would their flat be connected to the Floo network?

It has also occurred to me that it must be SO much more difficult for Muggleborns to explain their disappearance nowadays. Back in the early '90s, "I'm going to boarding school and there's an awful queue for the phones, so I'll probably only be able to use them to phone Mum and Dad. I'll write to you," would be perfectly acceptable. Today? No access to e-mail? To social media sites? No mobile phone? Not very convincing.

Videos existed even twenty years ago, but I guess it's not at all surprising a pamphlet written then would ignore them.

There are even plenty of sports CALLED football. But I like the way the wizaring world only mentions one Muggle sport. Since they only have one real sport in their world, it makes sense they would assume the Muggle world was the same, especially since the soccer/football World Cup corresponds pretty well to the Quidditch one.

They offer jobs well in advance! I guess with only one school, they don't have to worry that a teacher who takes up a job too long in advance would get a better offer later. And of course, they're British. Which may mean being less last minute than Ireland anyway. I've had interviews for teaching jobs as the schools were opening for the new year.

And I guess she'll be teaching some of the next gen. kids. Victoire obviously and would Teddy be in his 7th year? He might not be taking History of Magic though. And lots of the others COULD already be at Hogwarts, depending on what ages you have them.

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Review #15, by MargaretLaneWitch: Witch

19th November 2014:
I'm not sure I should start reading something THIS long this late, but I'm going to. *laughs* It sounds awesome.

Love the detail about her "not having her letters".

That's sort of creepy, the way he is teaching her what to say.

I also love the way this is sort of divided into subsections, with a bolded word at top. It looks really well.

The description of Lancaster is creepy too.

And I'm now thinking of what was happening in Ireland at the time. The Celtic era has just finished and Ulster is being planted. So James is king, right? That helps me date things.

I love your little details. I already mentioned her not having her letters, but also the gaps where her teeth should be and being dragged down from the back of the cart.

And OH, she's trying to save them. I read your author's note first - perhaps I shouldn't have but I wanted to know the background, so I know this is unlikely to work well.

I love the way you portray her confusion and the way she is out of place, both as a child in an adult's world and an uneducated person in a court situation. It's clear she has little idea of what it is that's taking place around her.

Shouldn't Mass have a capital letter?

And of course, it's the time of the Reformation too, which ties in with the Plantations I mentioned earlier - the Earls have left for Catholic Spain or Rome.

Yikes, ten people killed - that's probably more than were executed as witches in the history of my country.

The counting is creepy and actually this story reminds me a little of the one about Nearly Headless Nick. Not just the fact both are about executions, but also the tone.

The poor child. The "wandering" section is so sad and really makes me feel sorry for her.

And you have me wondering what happened to her in the meantime - how she managed to survive and to get by.

I love the way she is grateful to have her little girl, despite everything and the way she still feels guilty for what she was manipulated into doing as a child. I mean, of COURSE she would, but poor, poor girl. She did it for the best.

Another little detail I like is the one about how she doesn't know exactly when her daughter's birthday is. You create the time SO realistically with these details. They're the sort of things that are SO easy to overlook.

And I like the way the man reappears when her daughter is much the same age as she was when she first met him.

Hmm, this stuff about his connection with Hogwarts is strange. Considering that he seemed to be opposed to witchcraft earlier. I wonder what is going on here.

And I did wonder how you were going to tie this up with Harry Potter. It'll be interesting to see where it goes.

Love the comparison with the lost city of Atlantis.

And of course, we only saw his appearance the first time from her point of view. Perhaps he didn't intend to cause the deaths of her family.

And that is sad, the way the children can not go home for fear of raising suspicion. The part about how she feels her heart is crumbling from the loss of her daughter nearly brought tears to my eyes.

And I love the description of things coming full circle.

Ugh, the description of how she is transported to jail is creepy. There's something dehumanising about it. And the part about the jailers carrying out the bodies sent shivers down my spine. How did people live through that?

The part where she imagines her daughter's life and tries to convince herself her daughter is the brightest girl in the school, loved by all her teachers and will succeed because of the very thing that blighted the life of her mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, uncle and aunt is so sweet.

LOVE the comparison between words and gunpowder. I'm reminded of an Irish ballad, "The Bould Fenian Men," which refers to their voice being their "canon".

And the poor, poor woman, feeling her mother still hates her for what she was made to do and would want to see her suffer likewise.

And the injustice that they would still be punished even if it were proven they were innocent and had been treated unfairly. That they would have to pay for injustice done to them - it makes no sense.

And there is irony in her belief that she will be forgotten, when her name can still be researched today.

I was just wishing her daughter could find out what happened to her mother and use her magic to release her, but of course, that could hardly happen, as it wouldn't fit with the reality.

This is such an awesome story. 10 out of 10.

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Review #16, by MargaretLaneThe Fires of St Anthony: Bäckahäst

19th November 2014:
I like the explanation of why it's harder to steer under water.

Love the comment that he hadn't blushed so much since he was a teenager.

And they sound like a very serious class. Good in one way, but also slightly sinister. Probably mainly because of the context, but I'm already questioning if they are afraid to misbehave.

Love the reference to Professor Babbling and the hint as to the type of teacher she is.

And *laughs at Anthony doing some of the same things students would*.

I'm also amused by his immediate worry when the Deputy Headmaster calls to his door. I know the feeling. And his relief that he is unlikely to be fired in the middle of the staffroom. It's such a natural thing to think, in a new job, and makes this very realistic.

I think it should be "the boy to whose back" and not "the boy to who's back".

First years in trouble at the start of the school year. Doesn't bode well.

I wonder what is going on with Clothilde.

OK, this is really mysterious and creepy. I have no idea what is going on, but it is clearly not good, to say the least of it.

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Review #17, by MargaretLaneBroken Wings: Broken Wings

18th November 2014:
Straight off, I like the way he uses the word "Mother". It has that air of formality I woudl associate with the Malfoys.

And I really like the idea of a fairy being caught in a spider's web. I don't know what. I think because you've described the fairy in such a way that it fits with the whole "insect like" thing typical of Rowling's fairies and yet acknowledges the humanoid aspect to them which would naturally make somebody feel more uncomfortable about seeing them in a spider's web than say seeing a fly there.

Oooh, that description of what spiders do is creepy.

And I like the way you describe the fairy's fear. It makes a lot of sense and is something it would be easy to forget about.

I think your writing is very descriptive. You really manage to capture the essence of the fairy and even of the spider, who hasn't even appeared yet.

This is VERY nit-picky, but the the line, "it is doubtful to me that she will be able to fly with her wings bent at that angle" sounds a bit awkward to me. Something like "I feel doubtful she will be able to fly" might sound better.

I LOVE the way he introduces himself. It truly captures the Malfoy arrogance.

And you really pick up on the small details, like how difficult it is for him to see her expression when she is so small.

And ooh, he could get in trouble just for being kind. That says a lot about how he was raised and helps explain the person he will eventually become.

And aw, that comment about how she hopes he'll remain as kind as he is at seven is sad, considering what we know about how he will turn out.

His father seems much worse than he will ever be though, as Lucius at least cares about his wife and son and actually seems to be a very good husband and father. Perhaps that is because he doesn't want to be the kind of person his father was.

I love the comparison with a werewolf.

The ending gives us some insight into why he turned out the way he did. When kindness led to such severe punishment, it makes sense that he would later decide helping people isn't worth it. The man who seems to care only about his wife and son begins to make sense as the adult version of this young boy.

Excellent story.

Author's Response: Hi!

Thank you so much for such a long and lovely review. I'm glad you liked the story so much. Lucius was very uncooperative when I was trying to write him for this challenge and eventually this was what I came up with.

I agree about that sentence too. Every time I read it I cringe. I will have to edit it =)

I'm glad you picked up on the nuances I was going for at the end there. I wanted to portray him as being better than the Lucius we know from cannon without unsettling cannon and making it unrealistic. =)

Thanks for taking the time to review!

xx-Wolfgirl


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Review #18, by MargaretLaneChangeling: Chapter 2

17th November 2014:
LOVE the reference to Tir na nOg (had to leave out the fadas, 'cause I don't think they come out in reviews).

Love the reference to 1916.

And ooh, the Tuatha De Danann - that makes perfect sense. And Tir na nOg as a mirror image of Ireland - I like it. The youth part could even come from the fact wizards age more slowly, so if somebody saw a wizard who they knew had to be over 100, they might well think he was immortal or something.

Love the horse drawn carriages and brooms you can rent.

And I'm totally with Siofra - NOT big into fashion either, but a dress of Celtic design would be AWESOME.

The not putting in fadas is starting to annoy me.

I'd be inclined to have "think of it as a gift for joining our school" as a sentence on its own.

And I'd put commas between the "thank yous".

Love the world you are building up here.

Author's Response: Thanks for the review!

I'm really big into Irish culture so I'm trying to pack in as much as possible. I really hate how people take it for granted what a rich history we have, especially seeing as the stories are so filled with action and adventure. There's something for everyone in there!

That's a briliant idea! I didn't even think of using the 'eternal youth' part. I don't know why, it makes so much sense haha. Mind if I use it later on in the story? Credit goes to you of course :)

Cool thanks, I'll add that to my list of things to edit after NaNo :)

Thanks again for the awesome review, each one makes my day and keeps me inspired to write more.

Elyssia, A.K.A. Sorcha :)


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Review #19, by MargaretLaneRainfall: Lo, How a Rose

17th November 2014:
*cheers for Harry trying to move on* But it's sad both that he feels he's not as good a parent as his were and that it's taken him this long before he feels he can begin to. Poor guy.

And I can see why Godric's Hollow would be more upsetting than Hogwarts. Yes, he has sad memories associated with Hogwarts - the Battle of Hogwarts, Dumbledore's death, Cedric's death, possibly even Sirius's, as he was at Hogwarts when that situation started even if Sirius didn't die there - but he also has happy memories associated with it - making friends for the first time, being free of the Dursleys, meeting Remus and Sirius, Voldemort's defeat. Whereas Godric's Hollow holds only sad memories.

*laughs at the idea Hugo's parents can't embarrass him by showing his friends baby photos*

Love the comment about how Rose isn't blooming but rather wilting. She'd better be OK. *glares at you warningly*

10 chapters IS long when you're only ten. *cheers madly for Hugo*

*sympathises with him about the story* He's actually being a lot more reasonable than I would probably have been at his age. Interrupting my writing does not leave me happy.

Some of this sounds like the House Elf code in my series and the same issue is arising about house elves being unlikely to report mistreatment.

The similarity with guide dogs is kinda creepy though. As is the idea of selling human-typed creatures.

The education thing is SO typically Hermione and probably further than the code in my story has gone. I haven't drawn it up. Knowing you, you probably have drawn up this one. But it involves things like not being allowed physically punish house elves and house elves being able to report mistreatment and stuff like that.

Actually, the way your characters are talking remind me a little of the Land War and the 3 Fs.

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Review #20, by MargaretLaneRainfall: Easter

9th November 2014:
Sounds like Rose is ill. It occurred to me before that she could suffer long-term damage. I've a feeling ONE character will. I'm not sure you'd bring up the whole thing if nobody relevant was going to (although it MIGHT just be to mess with us; you enjoy doing that), but I don't think you'll have more than one person do so, because it'd get a bit repetitive if two or more next gen. characters were suffering memory difficulties. And Rose seemed kind of likely, due to her significance as Hugo's sister. And because so far she's avoided serious damage.

But NO! *pulls Rose to me and protects her* She doesn't deserve that. It'd probably be worse for her than for most people since she is so academically inclined and already feels insecure about things like her ability to make friends and deserves to have SOME area in which she succeeds. And Hermione DEFINITELY doesn't deserve it. One disabled child is enough to worry about. And it sounds like she's had some difficulty dealing with it.

*laughs* I pulled my sister out of class for a couple of minutes when I got my Junior Cert. results. Secondary school kids get a half day the day of the Junior Cert. results (and in our school, the students getting results get the whole day off), but she was still in primary and I thought she wouldn't like being the last to know (she hated being done out of things for being younger) and I also thought she'd like getting called out of class, even if only for a matter of minutes.

*laughs at Hugo not accepting his mum's suggestions too easily because then she'll think she can do what she likes* Not an easy child is our Hugo.

Poor Hermione. She must be so stressed. *comforts her*

AND ROSE HAD BETTER BE OK. *prods you warningly*

You've written "'hi,' grunt back." Did you mean to put an "I" in there.

Oh, Hugo has my sympathy here. Having a temper isn't exactly fun.

And yeah, it must be annoying when everybody just assumes, "oh, he's stressed because he's blind." After all, he's been blind all his life and lots of people have tempers - I certainly do. I've learnt to more or less control it now, but I was quite a few years older than Hugo before I learnt to do so and I still thumped the printer, slammed my bedroom door and punched the wardrobe yesterday, when the printer was driving me crazy. *laughs*

I think being able to copy like that, without reading the notes is more impressive. *cheers for Hugo*

And I know what Hugo means. It's so annoying when people are being annoyingly nice, because you can't be sarcastic back to them and you have to act grateful, which encourages them to repeat what they are doing.

*cheers for Mr. Greg* I like him.

But uh oh, the comment about how Rose will probably be OK like Kelly was makes me think she won't be.

I wonder if Al or James or Louis or any of the others have got sick. It sounds like they haven't or I expect you'd have mentioned it.

Your characters seem to have a similar birth order to mine.

*cracks up at the comment that Percy DEFINITELY talks about boring things*

And yeah, I would imagine Luna's conversations would be interesting.

*cheers for Hugo protecting the little kids from talk of torture and war, even though he's only about 10 himself*

*laughs at Roxie claiming to have known*

And now I'm wondering if Victoire might end up with problems, as she's been mentioned as having a "serious case." I'd prefer if it were her than Rose if somebody had to have complications. Mostly because I don't know your version of Victoire well. I've become fond of mine actually.

Author's Response: I've told you several times already that I LOVE your reaction to Rose being ill. Well of course she doesn't deserve that, and Hermione definitely doesn't, but since when has justice governed what I do in my stories? Oh, Hermione's had a lot of trouble dealing with Hugo's disability - even if that's not clear here, it should be in "A Normal Boy"!

Yeah, being pulled out of class breaks things up a bit, makes the day a tiny bit more exciting.

Oh no, Hugo would hate to be considered "an easy child"!

And yeah, I think Hermione needs someone to comfort her!

*prods you back* What are you gonna do if she's not? (Probably about the same as I'd do if Blackburn wasn't OK)

OK thumping the printer - it deserved it. Slamming the bedroom door? I'm kind of between "how old are you?" and "yeah it's kind of satisfying" (yep definitely done that more than once in the past year, although it's even more frustrating when it doesn't actually slam properly). Punching the wardrobe - doesn't that hurt? Yeah, Hugo's got a bit of a temper, but I know at that age especially I was at least as bad as him. At that age, it shouldn't be surprising him losing his temper like that, especially not when he's stressed already (his response to stress is either being really moody or really miserable.)

Yeah, really nice people are annoying. And Mr Greg is awesome.

I love Roxie, and the Scamander twins. They were so much fun to write (and they make awkward conversations easier by providing interruptions). Will have to get them in more in the future.

You'd rather Victoire had complications than Rose. Surprise surprise!

KNEW your reaction to this chapter would be good. Not disappointed. :D


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Review #21, by MargaretLaneRainfall: A Desert Island

8th November 2014:
This really is apropos of nothing, but since we were talking about the different terms used for things in Britain and Ireland, we say "mid-term" over here rather than "half-term". Reading that sentence, I was thinking something sounded rather British about it and had to read it again to check what. I think it's because we'd say "after the mid-term break," not just "after mid-term" or "after half term."

You still have said how Kelly is and she sort of avoided the subject. *watches you suspiciously*

Art must be hard for them when they can't see what they are making/drawing.

Hmm, I thought Hugo's story was going to end like "Come up the Stairs," but it veered off into rather more dramatic territory.

And has he seen the Storyworld cards I got, because somebody marooned on a desert island is one of the things you get as a thing to write about.

And poor Rose being stuck at school and unable to even write to her family. Poor Albus too. I wonder if either of them will get spattergroit.

Hannah as Matron/school nurse. THAT is perfect. And it means she and Neville can be together. In my series, he goes home to his family at weekends. It sounds like something she'd be good at too.

And YES! Whenever I've let people read my stories, I tend to leave the room while they are doing so. Otherwise it's just too freaky.

Oh, I was wondering why you brought in the spattergroit thing. I assumed it was just that you wanted Rose, and maybe Al, to remain at Hogwarts for some reason, but now I'm reckoning you're going to cause long-term confusion for some character. THAT sounds like you.

Love the mention of "my prayers are with the students." Sounds like a good Irish way to express concern and end the interview on a sympathetic note.

Poor Mrs. Scott. *sympathises with her*

I wonder if Hugo will actually end up going to Hogwarts. I've a feeling he WILL, but it's beginning to sound like he mightn't.

I think this is my favourite chapter of Rainfall so far. It's awesome. Because of course, possibly giving teenagers long-term memory loss makes a story more interesting.

Author's Response: Well, Kelly's out of hospital and back in school. OBVIOUSLY she doesn't want to talk about her illness - in her situation, would you want to think about it? She's been given the all clear, as evidenced by the fact she's back in school. Oh, teasing you WAS fun! And I'm not that predictable after all. ;)

Yes, drawing isn't really something they go in for because it means nothing for them. That's why they just make messes with clay and glue and feathers and card and whatever else they get given! It's not a lesson so much as a chance to enjoy and express themselves.

Hugo's got a dramatic streak. And being marooned on a desert island isn't a particularly original plotline, so it's not particularly surprising that it would be on one of your Storyworld cards! No, he hasn't SEEN them. Think about it! :P

Hannah being Matron is actually canon - I think in one of the Quidditch World Cup Pottermore articles. And it really does fit.

Yeah, I'll send people links to my stories but not actually watch them read. I've shown my sister my stories and it's pretty freaky, because you start trying to judge their body language and waiting for them to say something.

Yes, I went through that interview several times trying to get that guy to sound as Irish as possible, and "my prayers are with the students" seemed to fit perfectly.

Ah yes, well I like torturing characters and being mean to teachers is fun! What, you don't like me tormenting teachers? :o

Glad you like it - thank you! :D Laughed out loud at the last sentence.


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Review #22, by MargaretLaneThe Worst: It Is Time

7th November 2014:
Yay, I'm delighted to see this back.

And I'd forgotten about Dominique turning down Teddy's proposal.

I like the way you start with her attempts at the letter before showing what she thinks. It sort of make it more real to see some examples of what she's writing.

Aw, I feel so sorry for her. She's under so much pressure, poor girl.

I also like the insight into what Teddy is feeling and how confused he is about how she feels about him. And I like the way they actually talk about it rather than second guessing each other.

This sentence sounds like little confused, "I don't want to marry you now doesn't mean that I never will." It might sound better if it said "SAYING I don't want to marry you now doesn't mean I never will" or "JUST BECAUSE I don't want to marry you now doesn't mean I never will."

I really hope Teddy comes around. She's been through a lot and it's hardly surprising if she doesn't react exactly as he might hope.

Poor Dominique - a row with her boyfriend and a transformation on the same day. In my stories, stress and upheaval before a transformation makes them worse. Hopefully, it's not the same for Dominique or she really will have an awful time.

Excellent chapter. Don't mind about the delay. Sometimes real life has to take priority and it sounds like you HAVE been busy. Sorry to hear about the writer's block. THAT is annoying.

Author's Response: Hey! Thank you so much for the review =)

Whoops, I totally get why you forgot - I haven't updated in forever! But I'll try to keep them more regular now!

I am pleased you liked the beginning with the letters.
And yeah she is under a lot of pressure.
I think since the story is from Dom's POV, it'd be hard to get Teddy's viewpoint across unless they actually talked about it so it's good to know you liked that.

Thanks for pointing out that wonky sentence. I'll go back and correct it =)

Yeah, Dom has been through a lot but so has Teddy so it might take him a little longer to get through it. Let's see what happens!

We're on the same track there; stress definitely makes the transformation worse. She does have the wolfsbane so it's going to tone it down but let's see how much.

I am so happy to know you think the chapter was excellent. Thank you!


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Review #23, by MargaretLaneThe Fires of St Anthony: Alpdrücke

6th November 2014:
Wow, I really didn't expect this to go up so quickly. I kind of thought that as it was a Nano project, you might want to wait until after Nano was over and edit it and stuff.

Anyway, I absolutely HAVE to read this.

LOVE your description at the beginning. Description isn't exactly my strong point, so it always impresses me. We get a real impression of the sea and sailing life here.

I also think the fact that you don't clarify who "he" is is really effective. It makes us wonder about the details and exactly what this is leading up to.

And I actually did laugh at the reference to Drumstrang students learning the art of piracy.

And again you create suspense with the discussion about whether or not to "tell someone". I am intrigued to know just what it is "she" has found out (something unbelievable clearly), why it is that it seems necessary to tell somebody (sounds like it's something dodgy) and even who "she" is.

Your style of writing is awesome too - literary. And sort of dreamy, which fits with the sense of something that wouldn't be believed. And you pull it off really well. I feel that sometimes attempts to get that kind of atmosphere don't work too well, but it does here.

There's something intimidating with the way the clatter of coach wheels and the foreign accents interrupt the dreaminess. It sort of made me jump, with the wrench back into reality.

YES, it is nasty the way many students seem to be left to worry about how they will be sorted. I was glad Harry reassured Albus and let him know it wouldn't be intimidating. I don't understand why Molly or Arthur didn't do the same for Ron. The idea of adults thinking it's funny to leave 11 year olds with more to worry about on their first day leaving home is sort of an uncomfortable one.

And I love your suggestion about Beauxbatons traditions. It gives a feeling of reality to a school that isn't even the one the story is about.

Plus the whole lead up creates suspense as to what it is Drumstrang does that is worse than these.

Love the phrase, "lost to a different time and age." It gives a sense of how ancient the school is.

That sounds utterly terrifying.

And now I'm wondering about why people aren't survivors. You're doing a really good job at building suspense here.

I assumed it was a student addressing him since they called him "Professor."

And I wonder what nightmares he has already. Probably ones related to the war against Voldemort. I guess most next gen. characters have some pretty horrific memories of things like life under the Carrows or family members disappearing or going on the run. But the specifics are intriguing.

No, I can't imagine McGonagall getting drunk on a school day.

*cheers for Flitwick giving them tips rather than telling them off for staying up so late or investigating where they got the Butterbeer bottles* That sounds in character, since they're not really doing anything that wrong.

And I like the introduction of another game. Wizards don't really seem to have much to amuse them - only one sport, no TV or computers, little indication of novels (though that may be simply because Harry and Ron didn't seem to be big readers and Hermione seemed to prefer factual books), a limited number of board games, little reference to theatre or concerts...

I like the mentions of how all games ended in 7th year when the war came. It really highlights how their childhood ended then.

I really like the contrast between Drumstrang and Hogwarts and the hint that Hogwarts makes chaos out of order.

Anthony's classes the following morning could be amusing considering how much he's had to drink.

Yikes, that whisper of "run" is quite creepy. I REALLY wonder what is going on here and what that "something, yes, but not a boy refers to.

This is an excellent beginning to a story. I'm completely intrigued as to what is going on here. There's something sort of sinister about the whole setting, which has me wondering exactly what's behind it all.

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Review #24, by MargaretLaneActions Speak Louder than Words: Baleful: Rose POV

6th November 2014:
Yikes, this is one long chapter. But hopefully we'll get some answers. This whole thing is intriguing.

I can DEFINITELY see why Rose is freaked out by Hermione's response. It's not like Hermione to show her concern so visibly and with her being Rose's MOTHER, she's bound to find it even weirder, as we tend to see our parents as invincible.

I'm with Harry on this one. Rose can't really fully protect herself if she doesn't know what it is she needs protection from. Besides which, I feel she has a moral right to know.

I think that moment when Rose is relived to know she is the one in danger and not Lily says a lot about her. It kind of amuses me actually, because it is EXACTLY the way my Rose would be likely to react.

I think it's fairly clear SCORPIUS will be the father of the child. Lucius Malfoy was at Voldemort's right hand and Scorpius is Rose's boyfriend. I'm sort of surprised none of the characters have considered this possibility. Or maybe they have and just don't want to say it to Rose, in case it puts too much pressure on her and Scorpius. Like "we are destined to be together, so we can't break up even if things don't work out" or "the only way to make Stannous lose interest is for us to have a child RIGHT NOW, even if we're not ready to be parents yet."

What I don't understand is if Stannous wants to ensure he and Rose have a child together, why use a spell that should have killed her?

And I agree with Rose that they were wrong to keep this from her. And Harry in particular should have known better. I think Dumbledore was justified in keeping the prophecy from Harry until he was 15, because I think telling an 11 year old about a prophecy like that would give them little choice about walking away. But there is a difference between keeping something from somebody until they are 15 and keeping it from a young adult. And even keeping it from Harry that long contributed to Sirius's death.

I really like the way you show Rose again having a mini-panic attack. Even though she has greatly recovered from where she was at the beginning of the story, she's not going to recover overnight and the kind of pressure she's under now - between the fight with Scorpius, finding out about the prophecy and the constant threat from Stannous - is bound to add to her problems.

She is a very strong person though. She has an awful lot to deal with and she's coping pretty well all in all.

Oh, one thing I noticed is that you've written none of Dominique's "boyfriend's had ever last long." There shouldn't be an apostrophe before the "s" in "boyfriends".

And *laughs at her casually mentioning she has to obliviate her boyfriend* Poor Dom.

I'm glad Al only obliviated the part about the prophecy. I think obliviating the fact she was annoyed with him would be kind of creepy. Especially if it made her change her mind about sleeping in her own room. Actually, obliviate could be used in some really creepy ways, like somebody obliviating their boyfriend or girlfriend's knowledge that they cheated on them.

OH, I'd forgotten the Invisibility Cloak. YES, that is PERFECT.

OK, I REALLY didn't expect the revelations that came out here. I don't know what I was expecting, but I thought it would relate more to something Rose herself was destined to do, that Stannous wanted to STOP her from doing.

This is really surprising and really original. I've never read anything like it.

Author's Response: Hello!

I love, love, love getting you reviews because you always find all the little things that I put into the story. Plus, you always notice the characters' motivations and where they are coming from. I always read through what you've written and I breathe a heavy sigh and say - okay - I did alright. I know that sounds weird, but I really like getting feedback to know how I'm doing. I don't have any formal training with writing - except the required courses in high school, so I really rely on any sort of comment or recommendation. I guess, I'm really just saying "THANK YOU!!"

Yes - we do see our parents as invincible and Rose is no exception. Added to the fact that until very recently, Hermione didn't ever reveal anything about her own experiences to Rose.

I also agree about keeping it from Rose. She has every right to be demanding about this - and also a right to know about it. That was a serious error in judgement on the part of the Aurors - Harry included. At least he is willing to do the right thing now.

I agree about how Rose reacts to hearing that it isn't Lily. She really *is* brave and shows it here. She would rather take on the burden herself than see another person hurt.

Ok. So Stannous kidnapped her to confirm that Rose was indeed the mother in the prophecy. He let her go because he needed time to build up his "empire." He's been working on that since Hogwarts. Since he is Bellatix's son, he is certain that he is the father and now needs to get to Rose - for obvious reasons.

Haha - hold on to your thoughts on Scorpius ;)

Thanks for finding that - I'll fix the error.

I've always though obliviating would be misused by many, many witches and wizards. I also think that even if you were using it for the right reasons (like Al and Dom), it would be really tempting to take advantage.

Yay! I'm so glad you like the invisibility cloak idea - she's gonna need it!

Thanks so much! I really wanted to write a story that was different from the other's I'd read - so thanks again! ♥

Beth


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Review #25, by MargaretLaneMonster: Monster

5th November 2014:
In the first sentence, the "you" in "you ask" shouldn't have a capital "y" because it's part of the same sentences as what comes before.

And I consider this a fairly ominous beginning. I've a feeling some kind of monster is going to be real, whether it's the traditional kind of more of a metaphorical monster. Or a person who is a monster.

I love your description of the sun. I am really bad with physical description so I'm always impressed when somebody can do it as well as you do here. You can almost feel the heat from the sun, you describe it so well.

Is this Rose? The part about the character's mother introducing them to a Muggle device makes me consider that.

And I've a real feeling the character is going to be attacked by a werewolf.

And the moon is coming out. Uh oh.

I was right about it being Rose.

And yi-i-ikes, that is creepy. I never expected that kind of an ending. I don't mean the fact it was a vampire rather than a werewolf. I mean the fact that Rose is pleased to be a monster, totally dedicated to her master. I was more expecting her to be traumatised by the attack.

The unexpectedness makes it all the more chilling.

Really good story and I REALLY don't think you have to worry about it not being creepy enough. The way Rose turns into a monster, not only in the literal sense of the word but also in the moral one, at the end is extremely creepy. It's not just her body that changes or even that she gains a taste for blood. It's like everything of her former personality is wiped out and replaced by evil, so that even her mother no longer means anything to her. Really chilling.

I'm looking forward to the next chapter of The Worst, but don't worry about the delay. Sorry to hear you've had writer's block. That's no fun.

Author's Response: Hey!
It's always a pleasure to see a review from you. Thank you for reading =) Also, you'll be pleased to know that next chapter of The Worst is already in the queue.

Thanks for pointing out that little mistake. I'll edit it soon.

I'm pleased you found the beginning ominous as that was my aim.

I am not that great with descriptions but I try my best, so it's awesome that you actually liked it xD

Yep it is Rose as we find out =)

Haha everyone seems to think it's a werewolf, but I feel a vampire is more sinister xD

It's great to know the ending came off as unexpected as I definitely wanted that. The point I was making was, as soon as Rose turned, her feelings vanished and only loyalty to the master remained.

I am so happy to hear you found it chilling and liked what I did to Rose. Thank you so much =)


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