Reading Reviews From Member: MargaretLane
  
575 Reviews Found

Review #1, by MargaretLaneRabbit Heart: Cross My Heart

15th April 2014:
Hmm, Mr. Summers still isn't looking well. I wonder what that means.

And Sloan isn't feeling well either. I wonder if that's just an offhand comment or if it's relevant. I'm getting suspicious of everything now, from anybody ill to new students joining the school (even if they did so a year previously). I just can't help feeling pretty much everything you say here could be relevant.

And now I'm wondering what Nate means by "you people." Wren and her friends, Hogwarts students in general, people that aren't him?

Oh, oh, it looks like the tea isn't working so well anymore. I wonder why that is.

I wonder does her glance at the lake behind her old home mean Dillon is there.

Author's Response:

Yes. Be suspicious of everything. If Wren was like that, she'd be better off. Maybe not everything is relevant, but I don't like throwing around little details "just because". Though I will admit that some of it is for "flavor", rather than "necessity".

I still can't believe you've made it this far! This is amazing! I try to post weekly, so if I've gotten you curious enough, I hope you'll keep reading.

Thanks so much for all the reviews and sharing your thoughts with me!


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Review #2, by MargaretLaneRabbit Heart: Guarded Hearts

14th April 2014:
Looking back, Smeed said "be careful around your new friend", not "friends", so maybe he doesn't know about the rabbit; maybe he's assuming she's befriended a vampire, which she sort of has, without knowing it.

I'm glad you entered this story in my challenge. It's not something I'd ever have chosen to read; I'm not a big horror person. And I probably wouldn't have read on if I'd just read a chapter or two, because the start was sort of confusing, but it just gets more interesting as it goes on.

*cheers for her drinking the tea* Keep doing so, Wren and ignore Dillon. But I guess if she did that, we wouldn't have another 15 chapters or whatever it is.

With the mention of the thrall thing, I am beginning to think all the more than the stresses in her life might be a contributory factor. Perhaps you need to be in a vulnerable state in order for the vampire to overpower you emotionally. Not that I'd think of Madame Pince as in a vulnerable state, but she doesn't exactly strike me as a happy person, so perhaps that's relevant.

And their assumption that James did something amuses me, because in my next gen, that's pretty much my characters' first reaction too when things go wrong. "JAMES, WHAT DID YOU DO?"

Rose being impressed that the guy who complimented her had read the source material is so Hermione-like. It's like she's attracted to people who take their studies seriously.

I've also started wondering if there might be a specific reason Nate started school when he did. It does seem like sort of a weird time - the final year of his O.W.L. course. I mean of course, he might just have to be in school to take the exam or more likely, you might just have needed him to start then for plot reasons (*laughs*), but it's occurred to me there might also be a specific reason he could no longer be homeschooled. Like maybe his parents died or he'd some other family problem. I don't see how that could be relevant to your story, but you never know. I suppose it's more likely his being new is relevant because of something he learnt in his rather unorthodox previous education or something.

Author's Response:

Nah, Smeed's not completely aware of what's going on with Wren. I'm glad you're finding the story interesting! Otherwise, I wouldn't be getting all these sweet reviews! Thanks so much! The story's kind of on the edge of horror, I suppose. There wasn't a genre for "sort of scary". Hahah!

Yes, the tea is helping Wren. At least it's giving her a clear enough head to be more aware of things. Sorry about all the confusion... okay, maybe I'm not sorry. I just like complicated story mechanics. Silly me!

That's pretty funny about James II! He's probably not blameless in your story either.

I almost had Nate start his first year this year, but I needed him to be more comfortable with Hogwarts than that. Otherwise there would be some things later that wouldn't work out as well. So yeah, he's important.

I am so grateful that you have stuck with all these chapters!


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Review #3, by MargaretLaneRabbit Heart: Hungry for Hearts

14th April 2014:
Smeed has no magic of his own? I wonder if he's a Squib. Or a vampire. The latter is possible too. Perhaps vampires police their own.

I wonder if it's Dillon he's tracking. I guess so, but it may not be that simple.

I'm now starting to think Smeed MAY be a vampire. That'd be interesting.

And now he's ruled out my original theory of his being a Squib.

LOVE the use of the i-pad.

And he is starting to explain how much he knew about Wren. But he doesn't seem to know there are rabbits involved, so what did he mean by her friends. *ponders*

You've written "we split a does of pepperup," when I assume it should be "dose".

Author's Response:

Nope. Smeed is magic-less. But his friend knows how to use current technology. Glad you liked that bit!

Wren's symptoms didn't make much sense to Smeed. He's never seen anything like it. Hopefully people will start getting clues soon, right?

Thanks for the typo catch! Those pesky things!


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Review #4, by MargaretLane(i must be dreaming): fear and nightmares

13th April 2014:
Some of the sentences in this might sound better if you used more contractions, like saying "the summer she's eight" instead of "the summer that she is eight" or "...because Amy can't remember the last time she'd been to the beach" instead of "because Amy cannot remember the last time that she had been to the beach."

I laughed out loud at her thinking punching them works better than asking them to stop. Probably.

Aw. That part about her thinking Dennis knows better than her because he's a month older than her is so sweet. It's such little kid thinking.

You've written "Denis keeps saying is going to be amazing". I presume it should be "it's going to be amazing."

I LOVE the comment about Mrs Cole being happy for once. In those two words, you've given an indication that she's not an easy person to get one with and that is backed up by the way they tip-toe around her. Without labouring the point, you've given an indication that their lives include a certain degree of tension.

I kind of feel Amy and Dennis would at least recognise Tom as one of the older boys from the orphanage, even if they didn't know his name. They do live with him after all.

Oooh, that's creepy about Tom getting a good grip on Amy's wrist.

LOVE the description of how nauseous she feels as he brings them down to the cave.

Oooh, love the way he doesn't speak for so long in the cave. It sort of adds to his creepiness.

You portray their trauma so well. Poor kids. It makes perfect sense she'd be scared to speak after his threat to them about not telling.

Oh gosh, you've had Dennis die?! That is so sad. Those poor, poor children.

Author's Response: Hi there!

Thank you, when I go to edit this next time I'll definitely keep that in mind, I can see how it would make the story flow better. I love how you started your review with no nonsense and went straight on to somce CC. :P

Aw yay, I'm glad I could make you laugh! It is definitely one of the happier moments she has in her life, poor thing. It probably did, actually.

Hahaha xD Bless her, it is little kid thinking and definitely how I thought when I was a kid. Somehow, when you're younger, a month feels like such a large age gap to you. I'm really glad you found it sweet!

Oh dear, yes I did mean what you said. Thanks for catching that!

I think that Mrs Cole, through no real fault of her own, is quite stressed and tired, looking after all the kids in the orphanage, and so she would be tetchy and grumpy with them. I'm so glad you liked that point and think that it was well-made!

Hmm, I think you're right. :P It's just that he was described as being a bit of a recluse in the books.

Hehe, I'm glad you think so!

I've been carsick, like really really carsick, before, so I kind of tapped into that feeling. I'd never wish it on anyone, and I'm glad you liked the description!

Yeah, he was trying to give the nightmares using Legilimency I think, but I'm happy you think it adds to his creepiness, I definitely want the readers to think he's creepy!

Yay, I'm really glad you think I got their trauma right! I researched it and tried to fit some but not all of the symptoms on there - the separation anxiety, the voluntary muteness especially I think was relevant to Dennis and Amy's situation. I'm gald it made sense to you. :D

I know. :( I'm sorry, Dennis. I think his death acted as a trigger for Amy. Poor children indeed.

Thanks so much for this lovely review, it definitely helped me a lot! :D


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Review #5, by MargaretLaneRabbit Heart: Heartburn

13th April 2014:
I thought firstly that the rabbits might have had some sort of effect on James too, but it sounds more like getting too big for his boots now that he's legally an adult.

Poor Wren. She really does seem to be feeling awful.

And yikes, the latter half of this chapter is creepy. Looks like Summers is more of a victim than a suspicious character.

Author's Response:

Definitely tight boots are to blame here. LOL!

Well, you did want someone not feeling well for your challenge, right? I thought Wren fit the bill nicely. And she's NOT pregnant. :P

Yay for creepy part of the chapter! They're my favorite.


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Review #6, by MargaretLaneRabbit Heart: Hearts Enthralled

13th April 2014:
Last year, he'd have been in 5th year, right? I don't think students CAN give up subjects before their O.W.L.S. Doesn't Ron say at the end of 2nd year when they are talking about subject choices that they've to keep all the subjects they were already doing and only have choices with regard to the new ones? Plus, if he didn't pass the O.W.L., he'd have no qualification in History of Magic. I don't think Hogwarts would be like "oh, you understand the information, so you don't have to do the exam that's the only thing accepted if you are applying for a job that requires History of Magic". Surely, if he tested well, he'd be more encouraged to keep on the subject even if it HAD BEEN optional.

Plus, if he's done different history, I doubt he'd pass the exam anyway, since the exams would surely be on what was taught at Hogwarts. And he couldn't pass the O.W.L. unless he knew the stuff that the Ministry approved course focused on. Just knowing history in general is no good if you can't pass the O.W.L. in it, because you are not going to have any qualification. And would he be allowed to take it for the N.E.W.T.S. if he hadn't taken an O.W.L. in it? From Half Blood Prince, it sounds as if entry to N.E.W.T. level courses is based on your result in that subject in the O.W.L.S. Can't imagine a student being allowed to take a N.E.W.T. level course without having even done the O.W.L.

And the way Nate was educated sounds really interesting.

I also wonder what use extra credit is in a system where students gain their qualification by doing an external exam. It does sound as if they have to pass their summer tests to progress to the next year, so I guess if you were really in danger of failing, it might be some use, but it's not going to improve their performance in the N.E.W.T.S, since they appear to be set by the Ministry and Mr. Summers would have no say in the grading of that.

Yup, Dillon is a vampire. Summers's description of them seems to fit with what Dillon was talking about.

And I suspect that he can somehow get blood when the rabbits bite somebody. I'm not sure how, but I've a feeling that sustains him somehow.

I think it is interesting that being bitten by a vampire doesn't appear to turn somebody into one in this story and doesn't even appear to be that big a deal. It fits with the wizarding world though, where part-humans are often more discriminated against than anything else. And of course the great thing about vampires in the Potterverse is that we don't know much about them, so you are free to characterise them a number of different ways. If there even are vampires in this story, which hasn't yet been confirmed.

I do find it interesting though, that Mr. Summers seems more pro-vampire than Hermione's book, when Hermione is the great campaigner for minority rights. And what we have seen of possible vampires seems a bit scary. So maybe Mr. Summers has some particular reason for being pro-vampire. Hmm, I'm now a bit suspicious of him, especially as you brought him in specially, though of course, that could just be to have a competent History of Magic teacher. It's not as if they'd be likely to learn anything useful off Binns, so if you wanted History of Magic to help them solve the mystery, you might have needed somebody a bit more competent.

And this whole concept of ghouls/thralls is interesting. It sounds like Dillon's mum may have been that for him, if she wasn't a vampire herself. And maybe he is sort of "grooming" his "friends" to become that for him.

Oooh, I bet that comment about Wren being the spitting image of the thrall of Drakul is foreshadowing. Maybe Dillon IS sort of grooming her to become his thrall.

And *laughs* Rose dresses up as a character WE learnt about when WE studied myths in history class. We were way younger than your characters though - 8 and 9 years old. I don't know if you know the story of The Brown Bull of Cooley. It probably isn't that well-known outside Ireland. It's not one of the better Irish myths anyway.

And Wren is beginning to notice some of the strange things the rabbit is doing. Great. Maybe she'll start to get suspicious of it soon, unless it starts messing with her brain again, which seems likely. Well, maybe Albus will get suspicious.

Hmm, has Pince poisoned Summers or something. Not seriously; I doubt she's killed him or anything, but it does seem like she's deliberately given him something to make him pass out. I'm assuming Dillon, through the bunny, made her do that. Which kind of sheds doubt on my idea that he's involved with the vampires somehow.

Author's Response:

Hi again!

I'd imagine that if a student enters Hogwarts having been trained elsewhere, the faculty would have a means of placing the student based on their knowledge base. I figured that Nate would have taken placement exams in the subjects he was either required to take or interested in, and then placed accordingly. For the purpose of the story, I imagine that Nate has taken the equivalent of the OWL exams for the subjects that he is currently in, which could either be administered by the Ministry, or by another educational board that is in charge of minors being tutored outside of Hogwarts. The possibilities are endless. :)

As for the extra credit, I am imagining that it is used as an incentive for students, perhaps as a free pass for turning in assignments, or something of that nature. I doubt there is extra credit for passing the NEWT exams.

Dillon's method of sustaining himself has something to do with the rabbits. *nods* There's more of that later, if you're interested. I'm pretty sure that chapter isn't posted yet.

That's the great thing about vampires in HP. I get to make stuff up! Actually, I didn't. Unlike werewolves, which commonly spread their "condition" to anyone that they bite, it's a common belief in many mythos that vampires would have to drain their victims and then feed them vampire blood to revive/change them. Not sure that will have relevance in this story, but that's what I'm rolling with.

Hey, I'm glad someone recognizes Rose's costume! I dragged that out of the HP Lexicon, not sure of how popular it was. It sounded cool anyway. I'll have to look up that myth. I'm quite interested in myths of different cultures.

Wren is definitely becoming more aware. Yay!


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Review #7, by MargaretLaneRabbit Heart: Losing Heart

13th April 2014:
Have you ever read Fangirl? It's got a character who's written a fanfiction involving a giant evil rabbit. And the fandom in which she's writing is sort of Harry Potter-like.

Hmm, I wonder what that sludge drink it and if it's got some kind of significance. And how exactly it is that he's "taken too much". I'm beginning to feel he and his mother and something not entirely human - vampires or something.

And I think I'm right about him not being as young as he seems. Of course, a few years could seem a long time if he is only 10 or 11, but the way he's talking about it as so long ago makes me think he's been around decades at least.

This idea of him looking younger than he is and the whole thing about blood is making me consider he could be a vampire, but then his mention of other wizards makes me wonder.

And is that wise old wizard Dumbledore? I'm guessing it was, in which case, Dillon MUST be older than he seems, as Dumbledore is now dead about 25 years. I'm also wondering why he didn't write back if that's the case. Even if Dumbledore couldn't accept him at Hogwarts, I think he'd write back.

Hmm and now I'm wondering if it's something else he's taking from people rather than blood.

And if his mother died as a result of whatever he does, I wonder if that means Wren could die as a result of their connection too.

I'm also wondering if Wren't other problems - her worry about Augusta, her anger about how her grandparents were treated, being forced to leave her home - plays a part in the rabbits affecting her more than Albus. She needs something to comfort her more. The comment about the other rabbit not bonding with Albus makes me think that maybe it requires something from the person, that they need to "let the rabbit in" so to speak.

Yeah, it seems like Smeed is helping her. But why does he do it the way her does, without explaining what is going on or warning her properly? And how does he KNOW about her rabbit and the effect it is having on her?

I really wonder what is causing that pain Albus has. That has to be connected too, possibly a result of his having a rabbit, but I don't see how or what the idea is.

Rose is being irritating here. I can see why Albus is annoyed.

You've really got Madame Pince in character.

Hmm, so the rabbit has charmed Madame Pince too. The fact that she had the same pain as Albus confirms its related to the rabbit, but it seems to have had a greater effect on her. That makes me think that either it only works on women (interesting that this is at least the third girl or woman it's worked on, but I don't think it's ever worked on a man) or else it feeds on something negative emotions. Wren is obviously quite stressed and unhappy even before the rabbit arrives and Madam Pince doesn't seem the happiest of people either, whereas Scorpius, James and Albus seem more secure. Even though Albus is worried about Wren and their relationship and stuff, he doesn't seem to have any serious issues.

Author's Response:

Hi! You're still here!! Yay!!!

Oh, you're going to get me started on that, are you? Alrighty. Yes, I have read Fangirl, by Rainbow Rowell (she's AWESOME!), and I LOVED it. I read it back in September of 2013, which was about nine months after I started this story. I was finished with my first draft, and well into the revision (more than halfway), and then I read THIS BOOK, with Harry Potter-like fanficion with an EVIL RABBIT!!!

I just want to clarify that I wrote that scene where Scorpius kicks the rabbit in the head months and months BEFORE I read that book.

Guess I'm not the only one who thinks rabbits are ripe for horror stories. Cute, fuzzy, innocent little things... Mine do not turn to stone, and there are no boat rides through underground rivers, and my characters will not resort to using swords. Just saying...

You've got some interesting observations on Dillon here. *nods* And some very good connections... I should give you cookies!

Madame Pince was so much fun!

You are awesome for these reviews! I hope I'm keeping you entertained!


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Review #8, by MargaretLaneRabbit Heart: Stone Hearted

11th April 2014:
YES, Wren, you should DEFINITELY tell someone about your headaches and losing your magic. As it is, I doubt anybody'd have the solution, but for all you know, it could be something quite minor that could be easily fixed. I can understand why she doesn't want to though. She seems really scared that it's something she's inherited from her grandparents, understandably, and it sounds as if she'd rather let it continue than have that confirmed. So I can understand her fear, but I still think she should tell somebody.

Maybe if Augusta begins to recover, it'll give her confidence, because she'll see mental health problems aren't necessarily incurable, so she might start thinking that even if this is something mental, it might well be possible to cure it.

*laughs at the strict policy on housing the undead*

And poor Wren. I'm not surprised the idea of ending up in St. Mungo's haunts her. Poor, poor girl.

Oh, that sentence about Albus visiting her if she loses her mind is so bleak.

And is it my imagination or is she becoming more...awake/aware of things now she's away from that rabbit. She seems to be able to focus on other things and question what is happening to her again, even though she's still getting headaches.

Oh, I didn't think of how the deaths of the Death Eaters could affect their condition. I guess I assumed their condition was a trauma reaction to extreme torture rather than a direct result of the spell, but that's an interesting idea.

I was sort of wondering how come they both died together. I guess this explains it. And I reckon it was the right choice, but gosh, what a decision to have to make. Poor Augusta.

I really like the way this story sort of explores the ethics of choosing to end another person's life, or just not prolong it. You never know when a cure might be found but then what if they were in pain all this time and had no chance of recovery? The latter seems likely if a cure wasn't found in 40 years. There are no easy answers and the story shows that. I'm just so sorry for everybody involved.

What does this guy know about her "new friend"? And if he knows something, why doesn't he warn her more directly?

No, I don't think Smeed poisoned Wren, but I do think he knows something. I'm beginning to think he might be "on the side of the angels" so to speak though. It seems like he's trying to help her. But if so, why doesn't he tell what he knows? If he knows anything, but that comment about her new friend indicates he does. I'm confused.

And gosh, that idea about Wren turning into a rabbit is interesting. I'd never have thought of that.

It does remind me of something that occurred to me a chapter or two back though and that I forgot to comment on and that's that maybe her panic attacks are caused by the rabbit being startled. Dillon said something about feeling the rabbit's panic when it's startled and when the rabbit seemed scared of the crowds at Hogwarts, Wren started shaking.

As regards not telling Wren, I think they made a mistake, but I can understand why they did it. After all, she may be sixteen now, but only a few short years ago, she was ten or twelve and it's hard to suddenly feel comfortable burdening somebody you've been in the position of protecting for so long. Must be even harder when it's your child and not a cousin or sibling or something. And while I'm sure she doesn't see it that way, sixteen IS still very young. I think it is old enough to be told, but whether I'd feel that if she were my child or grandchild is another matter.

Author's Response:
I had to make it believable that Wren would be reluctant to talk to someone about her problems/issues. I know it's something she SHOULD do, and under normal circumstances, she most likely would, but that would mess up my PLANS... so I have to continue torturing her and making her second guess things until those other things roll out.

I'm so mean.

At the same time, she is becoming more aware of what's happening to her.

For that issue, there really are no easy answers. It can be right and wrong all at the same time. I'm glad you appreciate the struggle that these characters have to deal with.

Yeah, why doesn't he just tell her what's going on? What's wrong with you, Smeed??

Okay, I can definitely confirm that Wren feels what her rabbit feels, to a certain extent. So you're reading into that correctly.

It IS difficult to judge whether a child is ready, or capable of dealing with such a hard hitting issue as that. It was Augusta who had the final say in it, and she's several generations removed from Wren. Tough things to discuss at any age.


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Review #9, by MargaretLaneRabbit Heart: Hearts and Spades

11th April 2014:
It's occurred to me that Augusta's comment about "it" not being finished with her yet may have some significance. Somehow the phraseology gives me the distinct impression that whatever is wrong with her isn't just the result of grief after the deaths of her son and daughter-in-law (who she really lost about 40 years before anyway) or hopelessness that they can now never recover or stress from worrying about them all those years. Somehow the way she phrased it makes it sound like something outside her, not something caused by how she's feeling. I guess grief or depression COULD feel that way to somebody, but I suspect that sentence means something. I don't think she's just suffering from grief anyway; it'd be too much of a coincidence and the way she phrased that fits better with something else.

I'm actually getting the impression she knows more than anybody else. Maybe if she recovers fully, she'll be able to help solve what's going on. The fact that she appears to have circled those symptoms indicates she was looking into them and her comment indicates some kind of understanding, if only on an emotional level, of what is happening to her.

Hmm, two things have occurred to me as to why Albus's rabbit isn't having the same effect on him. The first is that he wasn't given it directly by Dillon. That may make it different. The other is that it may only work on girls and women for some reason. So far, I don't think we've seen him manipulate a man with a rabbit.

Or of course, having read on a bit further, maybe one of the wards he used worked.

Hmm, this difficulty with her magic is odd, especially as it doesn't seem to affect her ability to brew potions. That seems to indicate it's related to her wand. Or maybe the magic needed for potion brewing is different, as a lot of it is the ingredients.

And yikes, that dream sounds really scary. It makes sense she'd feel that way though.

Author's Response:

I do mean to pick up more on Augusta later in the story, but it will be much later from here, and that part isn't posted yet. I just can't leave her in the state she's in for the whole story. That would be cruel.

Yes, Wren's still having issues, and Albus doesn't seem to be affected by his rabbit. More on that later too.

I don't want Wren's dreams. *shudders*


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Review #10, by MargaretLaneRabbit Heart: Heart To Handle

10th April 2014:
I always love seeing new professors. And Professor Ackerly seems nice, stopping people making fun of Wren.

The word "intern" sounds a bit American to me. I'm not actually sure what the English DO call student teachers. I assume just student teachers, but I could well be wrong about that. And this guy has GOT to be better than Binns. At least he recognises myths and legends as the significant historical sources they are. I have a rant about Binn's dismissal of myth in Chamber of Secrets.

And it's just like Hermione to write a history book.

I wonder how come Dillon didn't get sorted at the start of the year. I'm assuming he is starting this year.

I wonder where Nate went to school for his first few years and why he transferred. Transferring from one boarding school to another isn't really necessary, particularly with the forms of travel the wizarding world has. And his name sounds English, although I guess he could be American or Australian or something. Hmmm.

That "testing out" doesn't sound quite right. I mean he's either going to do a N.E.W.T. in the subject or he isn't. If he is, then I'd imagine he'd take the classes, especially as he could hardly have covered a two year course in a summer anyway. And if he isn't going to take the N.E.W.T., then he wouldn't need to test out because it wouldn't be something he'd need anyway. It sounds as if all subjects are optional at N.E.W.T. level.

I was half wondering if Nate could BE Dillon in another guise, but since we are getting a section about Dillon towards the end of the chapter, probably not.

I'm really wondering if Dillon is controlling the rabbits or they are controlling HIM. In some ways, he seems sort of like a victim too.

I'm also intrigued by the way he talks about "the magicks" rather than "magic". When he was talking to Wren, I kind of thought he was putting it on to seem cute and ignorant, so she wouldn't get suspicious he knew more than he was letting on, but he's doing it in his head too.

Author's Response:
In Next Gen, there have to be new professors, right?

I have no idea what student teachers are called officially in Britain. I suppose I could ask someone about that. And yes, I agree that any living instructor would be better than a ghost. I'm glad you approve of his myths and legends curriculum. I thought that would be fun!

Dillon's not quite at Hogwarts yet. He didn't get on the train. Not sure if you got to that part of the story yet. Now I'm lost in my scenes...

There's more on Nate later. He's not a typical "transfer student", and his previous education hasn't been all that "traditional". Point taken on your thoughts of "testing out". The set up works for the story, so I'm rolling with it.

Interesting thoughts on Nate and Dillon being connected...

More interesting theories!


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Review #11, by MargaretLaneRabbit Heart: Big as Hearts

10th April 2014:
Hmm, that comment about "it's not done with me yet" is a little weird. I REALLY think Augusta has been experiencing something similar to Wren and that that was why she circled those words in the book.

I'm wondering if there's some connection between the rabbit being gone and Augusta beginning to improve. But she was ill before the rabbit arrived so I don't see how there can be. I'm confused. That's probably how I'm meant to be though and it probably means the revelation to this isn't something too obvious.

Hmm, I'm also suspicious of Smeed, though I'm not sure why.

Author's Response:
I really hope that the revelation won't be obvious. Otherwise, I will have failed. Ahh!! The pressure!

On the other hand, I hope you won't be disappointed either. Ahhh! The pressure!!!

Heheh. Anyway, there should be more answers in the next few chapters. I can't keep up the smoke and mirrors for too long, or it will end up frustrating people too much.

Smeed... he's fun.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts about what you think might be going on. This is great fun!


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Review #12, by MargaretLaneRabbit Heart: Distant Hearts

10th April 2014:
That line about how having the rabbit around had made her life come into focus is a bit creepy. It's like she's obsessed or something. I mean, obivously pets need you, but this seems rather more than that; like her life has no meaning apart from it or something.

I must say this wasn't exactly what I expected when I posted the challenge. *laughs* That's not a criticism, just a comment on the originality and unexpectedness of this story. Whatever is wrong with her doesn't exactly seem to be a normal illness, even by the standards of the wizarding world, where normal can include the effects of a curse, lycanthropy, poisonous potions and so on.

It is clear she's not feeling well though. Poor girl.

And while it SHOULD be good that the rabbit is helping her forget everything that's upsetting her, I REALLY don't think it is. I've a feeling it's sort of a way of making her dependent ont he creature. Why exactly anybody should WANT her dependent on it though, I'm not sure.

It is possible, of course, that a curse plays some part here - I wouldn't be surprised at all - but I think it's still rather more complicated than somebody just casting a jinx or something.

Ahh, if Dillon's mother's journal is so old, that kind of implies he's nowhere near as young as he appears. Of course, we can't know how late witches can have children, but still, combined with the fact he was hanging around London on his own and that he seems to be consulting her journal to find out what she'd say rather than talking to her (which implies to me she might be dead), I suspect he's a whole lot older than he appears.

I also wonder if he's really a wizard. I don't know what else he could be and he is obviously magic in some way. But the way he talks about a wizarding school implies it belongs to a world he isn't personally part of.

And his connection with the rabbits is weird. It sounds like he is using them to befriend people, but not in an ordinary friendly way, more like he's trying to mind-control people into being his friends or something.

In a way, there is something, not sympathetic - he's way too creepy - but something about him that doesn't seem entirely evil, between his talk about making all the friends he wants and his reference to losing somebody too. It's like he's gone insane from loneliness or something and wants other people to share his world, no matter how unpleasant a place it is, a bit like those horror stories about child ghosts, who try to cause the deaths of living children so they'll have somebody to play with.

I'm not sure what he is, but I wonder if he's something like that - some kind of creature that can't fully participate in our world, so wants to drag some people into his.

Author's Response:
Hello!!

I haven't chased you away with my weirdness yet? It is so good to see you sticking with the story. I love your postulations and guesses and tying things together. Clearly, she's not feeling good. But I can assure you, it's NOT pregnancy. :P

I love your guesses about Dillon and how he fits into the story with the rabbits. You have some very insightful observations here, again, which I cannot specifically comment on yet. But I adore the idea about him not being "sympathetic", but also not "entirely evil". That's exactly the feel I was going for, so I am exceedingly pleased with that description!



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Review #13, by MargaretLaneRabbit Heart: Hearts and Minds

10th April 2014:
There is something really odd going on here. Even though I'm assuming the rabbit is in some way connected with Wren's weird symptoms, I can't ignore the fact that things seem to have begun before that. That strange light in the first chapter has to be relevant and Augusta having circled those symptoms probably happened before that too. I'm also wondering if Augusta's own breakdown and possibly even those of Alice and Frank are relevant. It seems like a lot of the Longbottoms are having some form of breakdown and if Augusta had been experiencing those symptoms before she got seriously ill, it would explain why she'd circled them. But that would mean it'd be unlikely the rabbit is causing things. *ponders*

Poor Wren. Between her grandmother's breakdown, leaving the home she knew and now all this, she IS having a rough time. And it must be scary, wondering if she is going to "turn into Gran".

Aw, poor Albus, blaming himself for Rose and Scorpius's animosity.

Author's Response:
Yes, there was this strange thing about the timing of everything. It sort of confuses the issues involved, and I sort of did that on purpose... *cough* Since I'm a fan of the "not so obvious", it worked in my head. *hides from rotten fruit*

Besides the rabbit thing, Wren does have real issues. I didn't want her to go through the whole story without having to deal with actual problems... firstly, because it adds depth to the character, and secondly, I'm bored when there's not enough going on.

Thanks for continuing to read and postulate!


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Review #14, by MargaretLaneRabbit Heart: Cold Toes, Warm Heart

10th April 2014:
There's definitely something somewhat ominous about all these rabbits popping up all over the place. I'm not a great fan of rabbits anyway. *laughs* But that's not why I'm suspicious of them here. It's more that the keep popping up in every chapter, are sort of associated with Dillon, who's a bit odd and the title of the story includes the word "rabbit", which kind of implies they've some significance.

I guess what you mentioned about Wren not feeling well is part of it too. Has me wondering if it's after the rabbits appear, she starts feeling unwell and if they play some part in that.

Aw, Albus seems kind.

And her mind fills with a fog when she's thinking of taking photos of the rabbit. I'm getting the impression it's making her obsessed with it or something.

Author's Response: Hi!

Yes, there definitely is some weird going on with the rabbits. I'm impartial to them myself, but they seem so cute and cuddly... though, have you ever tried cuddling a rabbit? Haha!

Obsession is a good word for it. You have some interesting observations. I can't wait to see what you think of the next few chapters. :)


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Review #15, by MargaretLaneRabbit Heart: Trusting Hearts

7th April 2014:
Hmm, I can't help wondering if there's something more to Augusta's, and Frank and Alice's, condition than meets the eye in this. It seems kind of coincidental she'd be experiencing similar symptoms to them.

Hmm, I wonder who this child is and what is going on. My immediate thought was that he was a wizarding child and therefore a Muggle policeman wouldn't be able to find his parents, but I suspect there's a little more to it than that.

If he pretended to be what everybody thought him to be? I wonder what he is really. That is intriguing.

Hmm, so some of what he's telling her is true at least.

Author's Response:

Wow! Three Hmms in one review! I guess you're still actively thinking. I hope that's a good thing...

Hey, that's a great theory about Augusta's condition tied in to Frank and Alice's condition. No one else has mentioned that, and I'm not confirming or disputing the theory either. I guess you really are thinking. :)

Dillon doesn't lie outright. But that doesn't mean that he can't be sneaky.

Thanks for coming back to chapter two! In regards to your challenge, the "not feeling well" issue with my MC basically spans the entire story, it's what the plot revolves around, and a lot of the plot is set up "mystery style". I don't know if that's what you were looking for in your challenge, but there it is.

Thanks for giving this story a chance!

Pix


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Review #16, by MargaretLanePranks, Pants and Prance: Pranks, Pants and Prance

6th April 2014:
*laughs* I can totally imagine Sirius being hard to say no to. He's a charmer.

"Potions Master" should be two words; you have it as one when Slughorn is first mentioned, at the start of the third paragraph.

I LOVE the way you contrast the two brothers' appearances. I don't usually much like reading description, but you kind of give an insight into the type of people they are in your descriptions of them.

Yikes, Regulus DEFINITELY knows about Remus.

Remus seems very much in character here. Slughorn too. He seems more concerned that they interrupted him when he was enjoying his pineapple than that they're dueling which is SO typical of him.

And I like the nickname Wedgie. It's mocking in the way Sirius WOULD mock Regulus.

And it's so like Remus to want to prank Regulus, not because he really wants to, but because he thinks it'll make Sirius feel better. He is SUCH a people-pleaser. Hardly surprising, I suppose, considering how he's judged by society.

LOVE Remus's reference to the Invisibility Cloak as "OUR most prized possession". It really shows how close the boys are, that they share everything.

I'm really getting the impression Remus fancies Sirius, but whether Sirius reciprocates or not is another matter.

*laughs at Sirius saying he had it on good authority, before admitting that actually, he was eavesdropping*

You've written that Sirius "can considered using Polyjuice to turn himself into the Bloody Baron". I assume it's meant to be "had considered".

And yeah, I was wondering how it'd work with a ghost. LOVE the idea he'd go a little grey around the edges. How would they get the bit of the Bloody Baron you'd need to add anyway? Not like he'd have any loose hairs or anything.

I'm wondering how they'll get into Slytherin house to get to the common room.

And how like Dumbledore to attend the party.

*laughs at their having put some indigestion solution in Mulcibar's drink*

And you've answered my question about how they'll get into Slytherin house. That's ingenious and totally believable. Often when people add things like that, it comes across as contrived, but that sounds totally natural and it makes sense Harry and Fred and George might not figure it out. It must have been hard enough to figure out the whole "I Solemnly Swear that I am up to no Good" and the "Mischief Managed".

*laughs at the thought of Sirius ending up naked due to lack of concentration* I actually read a book - doubt it's available outside Ireland - in which they discussed werewolves being naked when they transformed back into humans.

And I'm not at all surprised Remus wouldn't be comfortable being naked, considering his scars.

Yikes, knowing what we now know, them joking about Sirius in jail is actually kind of sad.

And James saying Sirius won't go to Azkaban as long as he's alive...yikes, foreshadowing.

Author's Response: Hello! :) I'm sorry for taking so long to reply to this awesome review - exams have been crazy.

Sirius is a charmer! I wanted to have some form of romance in this story and that just turned into Remus' fancying of Sirius.

I fixed the typos, thanks for pointing them out! :)

I'm glad you liked the descriptions of the brothers! I find the relationship between them really interesting, and like writing nasty characters like Regulus. And yes, I imagined Regulus might have heard some of Snape's ranting about Remus and his condition.

I'm so glad the characters seem in character! I was really worried about writing Remus and getting his self-deprecation but thoughtfulness right. And Slughorn seems to turn a blind eye to misbehaving for the most part.

Haha, Wedgie! I was just giggling the whole time when it came to me.

I'm glad you noticed how Remus is a people-pleaser as well! I do really see him that way, and he's not very independent in some ways. I'm really pleased you picked out the collective ownership of the invisibility cloak too and how it's testimony to how close the boys are.

I'm not quite sure about getting a piece of the Bloody Baron, so I just sort of avoided that. Maybe ghosts can do things like tear some of their clothing on a nail? Or they could just dip the flask into the Baron as he glided by? :P

I'm glad you liked the explanation of how they got into the Common Room. It feels like something the map could do, and the map is so detailed that I'm sure Harry and the twins missed out on some things. I think the Map does help them along a little bit as those catchphrases are so specific.

That's really interesting about the werewolves! I think it makes sense that Animaguses would be naked when they transform, but canon seems to indicate that for the most part they transform with their clothes, which is far easier.

And yes! Remus is very self-consious about his appearance and everything else really.

Aw, I know! I felt a little emotional writing the last scene and all the foreshadowing. I find Sirius' imprisonment one of the most tragic parts of the whole series, and couldn't resist mentioning it.

Thanks so much for the amazing review! :D


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Review #17, by MargaretLaneAlbus Potter and the Moonlight Curse: Chapter 2 Warning Strong Violence at end of Chapter

6th April 2014:
Aw, poor Albus. Love the description of how he reacted to being sorted into Slytherin. I'd quite like to read the story of his first year, but I guess if you are placing this story for adoption, it's unlikely you'll write a spin-off.

Good on Ron for reassuring Albus and Hugo.

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Review #18, by MargaretLaneAlbus Potter and the Dark Lord's Prince: The Misfit Oddities

6th April 2014:
Well, Madame Pomfrey is the matron, so it was a bit confusing. I was rereading to see if Madame Pomfrey was there and I'd missed something.

And yeah, it does make sense there'd be resentment against ex-Death Eaters which could lead to prejudice against their kids. I never thought of future mysteries involving retaliation against them, but it does make sense.

*laughs* Albus, Rose and Scorpious always seem to be in trouble in this story.

Yikes, it sounds like Lucius Malfoy might have sent that Howler and it sounds like he has something pretty unpleasant in store for his grandson.

I really like the fact that Rose and Albus feel differently about Scorpious in this story. Usually he seems to either be friends with both of them or disliked by both of them, so this really distinguishes them as characters.

You've one character say "you're older sister is a Ravenclaw", when it should be "your".

Lavender's mum must have started having kids fairly young. Assuming her mum is Parvati, who'd only be what? 36 or 37 at this point? A lot of people in the wizarding world DO seem to marry young, even allowing for the fact that England (and in fact most places in the world) tend to marry earlier on average than we do.

Oooh, looks like there's a fair share of prejudice against werewolves hanging on in this story, which isn't surprising. I wonder if that'll be relevant.

For a moment, when the prejudice against werewolves came up, I was thinking "I wonder if somebody in this is a werewolf," then I thought "nah, why should they be?" but now that Zabini appears to be collecting Wolfsbane, I'm wondering again. I even wonder if he's a werewolf himself.

And it's rather interesting that the attacks HAVEN'T been done by a werewolf. I'm beginning to think they are being done by a witch or wizard who is simply cursing the victims to make it look as if they've been attacked by a Dark creature.

It would be easy enough to find out if a werewolf could be involved by checking if there was a full moon on the dates of the attacks, though of course if the villain is trying to fake werewolf attacks, they'd probably do their crimes on a full moon, so being on a full moon wouldn't NECESSARILY mean it was a werewolf. If the attacks weren't on full moons though, you could virtually rule it out, as I very much doubt werewolves like Greyback who attack in human form are common. Worth checking out anyway.

*sympathises with Albus for not missing Potions* This reminds me of when I was in 1st year (equivalent to Hogwarts' 2nd year, though, as we start secondary a year later than the British) and it snowed. They sent us home after our second class because so few people turned up for school (in Ireland, even a sprinkling of snow pretty much shuts down the country) and one of the two teachers we should have had for our first two classes was absent, presumably unable to get in either. The one teacher I did have was the one I was most scared of, to the point I used to sometimes feel sick before her classes.

Hmm, now I'm getting suspicious of Cho Chang. Just because of that reference to her sounding nervous. That has to mean something. And she could DEFINITELY have a reason to want revenge on the Death Eaters, for Cedric's death. I mean, I guess it's a bit unlikely she'd still be that obsessed with a teenage boyfriend, but considering he was murdered, I don't think it's impossible. Your boyfriend being murdered when you're only 15 or 16 is the sort of trauma that could have long term impacts.

You've an extra apostrophe after the word "didn't" towards the end of the story.

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Review #19, by MargaretLaneRabbit Heart: Have a Heart

5th April 2014:
Hmm, intriguing opening to this chapter. Not sure what this flash or glow is.

I was kinda confused at first about the fact her gran was still alive after her grandparents died, until I found out she was Neville's daughter.

I sort of doubt they'd talk about taking double Transfiguration. I think the subject would just be Transfiguration. A double'd just mean they had two class periods together for it.

Anyway, if James is in seventh year, he'd be taking the same subjects as the previous year, as the N.E.W.T.S. are a two year course. I think she'd ask "are you taking Transfiguration for your N.E.W.T.S.?" rather than "are you taking Transfiguration this year?"

I like her comment about being sadder about leaving her home than about her grandparents dying. It sort of gives her a depth and it makes sense that her grandparents dying would mean much to her anyway, as she never really had the opportunity to properly know them.

Hmm, considering the title, I feel certain this rabbit is going to be significant, but how, I'm not sure.

This sounds like a pretty original story. I'm not sure what is going on or what is significant and what's not, but you've really dropped us straight into the action and got me thinking right from the beginning.

Author's Response:

Hi!

I did have some trouble with the whole gran vs. great-gran thing. I love your suggestion, and I will try it out when I go back and tidy up things. Thanks!

Transfiguration thing noted.

I'm glad you thought Wren had some depth here. This is a big transition for her, and she has every right to be upset over it. And yeah, there's rabbits in this story. Lots. I hope you like rabbits...

Thanks for leaving your thoughts! I'm glad it got you thinking about the possible directions of the plot. Plotting is fun!

Pix


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Review #20, by MargaretLaneAlbus Potter and the Dark Lord's Prince: A Trio

5th April 2014:
Scorpius is spelled like that, not as Scorpious.

Must be hard to hide anything at Hogwarts with all the portraits. *laughs*

*also laughs at the ghost cat* I was considering giving Filch a ghost cat in my next gen, but finally decided against it. I'm glad somebody's done it though, 'cause I do like the idea. I just had another I also liked and couldn't use both.

I completely agree it's a good idea for all students to take the class. For one thing, it wouldn't be great to draw attention to the kids whose parents were Death Eaters. It would be singling them out for teasing of the "your daddy was a criminal" type and just generally making other kids wary of them and also, there's always the possibility other kids could get attacked, either by mistake or because they got in the way, so good for them all to be able to defend themselves.

It sounds a bit inappropriate to me the way the teachers call them "Death Eater kids", like they are blaming them for what their parents did. It'd probably be more sensitive to say something like "the children of Death Eaters" or something. I know the students in question can't hear them, but still, it would be like teachers in our world calling kids who had parents in prison "the criminals' kids", which sounds rather dismissive and judgmental.

The question of why a vampire is involved IS rather intriguing. Is he or she acting off his or her own bat or is somebody else inciting them to do this? Maybe somebody is paying them off. *ponders* I don't think I've seen a story before with a vampire as part of the mystery.

*laughs at Scorpius thinking Harry is cool for starting illegal clubs* A pretty typical reaction from a kid of his age, I guess.

And yeah, I agree that Luna really doesn't seem the type to get involved in dangerous situations; she's so dreamy and all. I'm not at all surprised they are a little surprised by her involvement.

She seems to have maintained her eccentricity, which is good.

*laughs at McGonagall accusing them of having the audacity to be COMFORTABLE while waiting for her to arrive*

You've referred to McGonagall as "the matron".

*laughs* Gryffindors! Because 17 year olds not taking part in a war against a crazy but brilliant wizard is really such a shocking thing.

I don't think this chapter is short.

Author's Response: Hello!

Its been a while since I've seen you coming back to this story so welcome back and all that mushy-gushy junk.

As for Scorpy's name, it is a typo that I eventually got tired of correcting, when I make the sequel for this story, his name will be spelled correctly. This is a lazy thing for me that I hope you'll forgive me for but also, 'Scorpious' seems like my own, personal monstrosity and it sets him about from all the others out there. So I hope that covers that.

Anyhoo...no one else has written about Filch having Mrs. Norris beyond the grave?! That's so odd to me, it seems like such a natural thing to do that I didn't think twice about it. You should still include it in your Next Gen though, it would be fun!
The Dueling Club was a good idea to help bridge various gaps and also bring awareness to the situation at hand but things don't go as well as you might think if you continue reading. I'm horrible. >:D
Also, the teachers' reference to the "Death Eater" children is done on purpose. Its meant to sound insensitive to show that things haven't quite changed as much as people might have thought since the War. There are a few more things like this in the story so while it might upset you, its something that was necessary for this. The divide between what's good and evil is questionable at best. At least, in this story. Hahahaha.
Ah, the vampire. You get more and more interesting things about this so keep reading for more, I hope you don't get confused down the road!
Scorpy likes anything bad and he idolizes Harry so it was a typical reaction from someone like him. HAHAHAH.
McGonagall was super pissed off and yet, also oddly amused. HAHAH.
I refer to her as the 'matron' because well...what else should I have called her?
There are worse things to come. Trust me.
This chapter is shorter than my others!
Thanks for the review! :D
Much love,
Gabbie


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Review #21, by MargaretLaneAlbus Potter and Slytherin's Office: A Talk With Japser

2nd April 2014:
I found this chapter completely by accident. *laughs* I was just flicking through the "recently added" to see if there was anything worth reading and realised "oh gosh, the next chapter of Albus Potter and Slytherin's Office is up. YAY!"

And the chapter title seems somewhat intriguing.

Yeah, that's intriguing all right - how Albus's magic works. I wonder if there's something to it or if you are just showing how different people have different strengths and weaknesses and what most people find easy can be difficult for somebody and something others find difficult can be easy for them. *pays close attention*

*laughs* I've just been writing about snow. I guess it makes sense that both our stories would mention it since Hogwarts is in Scotland, but it's still funny that both the chapter I was writing and the one I'm reading today had mentions of it.

And *laughs*, Slytherin were the worst team in my Albus's first year too, though things are changing now in my current story.

The wording of this paragraph in general seems kinda confused: "A few days before the match, Albus, David, and Rose ate dinner near the end of the day. Homework buried itself in Art, so Art planned to come down later. Albus found himself in a predicament, for he ate some pasta as Art came running into the great hall, eager about something."

You've also had Art saying that "people who are quiet are really good listener." It should be "listeners".

The word "promoted" doesn't really fit in the line "the next day promoted a nerve-wracking day for Gryffindor". Something like "proved" would fit better.

I actually laughed out loud and Louis saying he knows he's not supposed to be biased, but hey, he's a Gryffindor.

LOVE all the statistics. I'm getting the impression Ravenclaw, Gryffindor and Hufflepuff all have pretty much equal chance of winning.

Oh, yikes, I did NOT expect THAT to happen. When they were thirty points ahead, I was wondering would that be enough, 'cause I think they said they needed more than thirty points, but then I thought it was probably thirty OR more. I was sure Gyffindor would win the cup or at least get to the final. Especially when Ravenclaw were doing so well, I kind of thought Gryffindor were going to stage a massive comeback.

I think, though, it's good to have the house of the main characters not get into the final. It makes it different from other stories. Plus, when you're writing the whole seven years, it's a bit unrealistic if the one house wins every year.

Bet the Gryffindors will be annoyed at their Seeker for catching the Snitch then, when they could possibly have got another goal if they'd waited.

I'm with Rose on this one. A Dark Lord trying to kill you is a bit more serious than losing a match.

*laughs at the comment that sulking about Quidditch is a good use of time*

I thought of that just before they mentioned it - what Zajecfer intended to do if he hadn't killed Albus by the summer, but I guess he's planning to have it done by then. Maybe he even has something planned that they, and we, don't know about.

And ooh, this makes it sound like Zajecfer might have some other reason to be in Hogwarts as well. MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING IN SLYTHERIN'S OFFICE HE'S TRYING TO FIND.

Author's Response: Magic is a strange and beautiful thing. Part of the reason Albus has an easier time is that he doesn't have to pronounce the words, which is something he has trouble with.

Yeah, maybe next year Slytherin won't be the worst. I don't know. It was actually a coincidence they ended up the worst: I wanted Gryffindor to lose to Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw, but beat Slytherin. So that's just how it worked out.

Yes, I agree, that is TERRIBLE wording. I'll fix it.

Yes, it should be "listeners". Good catch!

Louis does have a point, doesn't he? It'd be impossible for him not to be biased.

I love the statistics too. For a few of the numbers I actually had to do some *gasp* math. But I had a lot of fun writing it.

Yeah, and Gryffindor never won the house cup until Harry's third year. So why shouldn't Gryffindor win this year?

They'll be a little annoyed at her, but the majority of the Gryffindor team realizes she had to catch the snitch then or the other seeker would have gotten it. She's a good seeker, just not undefeatable.

Yes, I'm with Rose as well. Boys are ridiculous when it comes to Quidditch. Just because I write my main character's actions doesn't mean I agree with them.

Why is Zajecfer at Hogwarts? Will we ever know? *wink wink*





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Review #22, by MargaretLaneScarlet Fever: I'm Fine

30th March 2014:
I can totally imagine McGonagall being the kind of person who'd never admit to being ill.

And the line about her boggart being actually taking things easy for a change is amusing.

Gosh, Harry, Ron and Hermione must have got some shock when she pretty much collapsed.

You've written that "Harry bashed his own hard against the table". I'm guessing it should be "hand".

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Review #23, by MargaretLaneAlienation Beyond Measure: Explanations and acceptation

30th March 2014:
Yikes, changing a kitten into a matchbox sounds like a hard spell for first years. The two things have nothing in common. Hope Hugo manages it.

When the teacher says, "Miss Davies", the miss should have a capital "M".

You've left the "M" off "Mister" when the professor says Hugo isn't staying for the class.

*cheers for the professor letting him practice in private*

You've written "off course" when the eagle is telling Hugo it gives different riddles to different people.

And I like the idea that it gives different riddles to adults and younger students as they see things differently.

You've spelled voluntarily as "volontarily" when Roxanne is talking about poisoning Slughorn.

Hmm, I wonder if the younger Slytherins being so mean is indicative of something or if it is just, as Rose said, that the Death Eaters' kids are starting to have kids of their own at that point and those are more likely to have nasty views. Hmm.

*grins at Rose and Dominique getting protective of Hugo and planning to make sure his housemates treat him a little better* Fair play to them.

You've given "Tuesday" a small "t" at one point in this chapter.

And you've written "Hugo din't feel safe" instead of "didn't feel safe".

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Review #24, by MargaretLaneAlienation Beyond Measure: Secrets out and secret plans

30th March 2014:
Again, you've spelled "control" as "controle".

And hmm, this is interesting about Eliana. I didn't expect anything like that. I expected it to be a teacher if it wasn't Lily.

There should only be a comma after speech when what comes next is part of the same sentence, like if it's "said x" or something. If the next thing is something like "x smiled", it should be a new sentence.

This is very nitpicky, but I think you've used the characters names a little more than necessary here. When Hugo is talking to Eliana or Lily, there is only one boy and one girl in each conversation, so saying "he said" or "she said" makes it perfectly clear to us who is speaking.

The area isn't on the map. Hmm, that is interesting. I don't know what is going on here, but it's intriguing.

*grins at Lily trying to get somebody figured out before their older siblings* It must be really hard for the younger members of the Weasley clan with so many older siblings and cousins and aunts and uncles to live up to. Just being the son or daughter of Harry or Hermione would be hard enough, without having siblings ahead of you as well.

"Beckoned" only has one "n".

Yikes, that comment by Lily about him not being able to do magic must have hurt, although she clearly didn't intend it to. Poor Hugo.

When Hugo is debating whether or not to tell his cousins what is going on, you've written "he dind't" instead of "he didn't."

Aw, that paragraph about Hugo crying in his bed is so sad. You really captured his emotions well. Poor kid. I really hope he gets things sorted out soon and his magic improves. Some of the kids in his year are such bullies.

A couple of first years walking into the forest REALLY isn't a good idea. *sighs* Especially when one of them is a Muggleborn and the other is having difficulty with magic. Neither is in the best position to protect themselves and she probably wouldn't even know what she needs to protect herself from.

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Review #25, by MargaretLaneAlienation Beyond Measure: Explosions and expulsions

30th March 2014:
Yikes, I've sort of forgotten what was going on in this story. Will have to try and catch up.

Aw, I don't think it's really fair to punish Hugo for that, since he didn't intend to do it. He's certainly proven he's not a squib though. In rather dramatic fashion.

"She blushed slightly at her mistake" should have a capital letter on the first "s" of the sentence and a full stop before it. You also spelled "slightly" as "shlightly".

*laughs* Your James sounds rather like mine, who was boasting to his parents and sibling about how many detentions he'd received.

I like the way you have Rose getting so many detentions. A lot of stories portray her as being just like Hermione, which there's nothing wrong with, but it's nice to see a different version.

Aw, poor Hugo. How hard must it be going through every day getting a headache. And yeah, if his parents don't understand, I can understand why he's worried about telling anybody else. Poor kid.

*laughs at Slughorn telling Hugo how like his parents he is when he gets in trouble* That is SO typical of him.

*also laughs at Slughorn claiming he and Ron are friends when Ron is like "oh God, not Slughorn"*

You've spelled "proving" as "prooving" when Hugo is thinking about how the hat was right to put him in Ravenclaw.

Hmm, I think there's a mystery about this corridor.

You've also had Hugo saying "he lectured me about keeping controle of my emotions". There shouldn't be a "e" at the end of "control."

*laughs at Lily practically shouting in class* I'm surprised Professor Longbottom didn't tell her off.

"Professor" should have a capital "P" when it goes before somebody's name, like when they are talking about Professor Longbottom or Professor Flitwick.

Hmm, I wonder what the other matter Flitwick has to take care of it. It's possible it's not relevant and you just need the meeting to end quickly, but it's also possible it's someway connected with that mysterious corridor or that something else is happening at Hogwarts.

Uh oh, I didn't expect Hugo to walk into those Slytherins so quickly.

In your final paragraph, you've spelled "thought" as "tought".

Yikes, I assumed the hand was Lily pulling him under the Invisibility Cloak, but it doesn't sound like that now. *is intrigued*

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