This is utterly adorable. It's been a long time since I saw the first AVPM, and honestly, I've never looked at their Quirrelmort pairings as more than an off joke - but this. This was sweet, and believable and - it is just adorable.
Plus - King and I. You can't go wrong with that.
But seriously, from what I DO remember from AVPM, I think your characterization of both characters is just perfect. You're a great writer for these little snapshot moments, and this is no exception. Plus, there seem to be a lot of little throwaway lines in this that made me giggle.
Also - you didn't even need to use the word love - which I don't think would have worked for this relationship at this point anyways. It's a schoolboy crush scenario, and it's just...lovely. Report Review
I love this - I love reading about tying British myth and lore into the magical world. And this story was just...wow. It was perfect. I love the characterization of your main character, and the narrative style. It's all very unique, very different - and very fun to read. I though at first it was the head of the headless hunt (no pun intended) talking at first - but...wow.
I enjoyed the incorporation of lore we got in the books too - about the Unicorn blood, and the slaying of the unicorn. Perhaps the one thing I miss or regret about this story is we don't really get to see what happens to George once he has tasted the blood - what would his 'half life' be interpreted as.
I am in serious awe of your writing style, so far, I've read several of your stories, and they all seem to take on different, interesting ideas about broadening the magical world, and not just with the characters we already know and love. It's so much fun getting to read them all. Report Review
You seem to have a special gift for taking characters on the edges of the book canon and fleshing them out until you want to meet them, or could just picture them. As a Hufflepuff, I loved this story, and your interpretation of Hepzibah was great and wonderful. I love how we got a glimpse of her as a little girl - I could totally picture this chubby little Shirley Temple of a girl. It was adorable - and yet, at the same time...her poor mother.
I also like the powers that you envoked with the cup. Seeing as it is an artifact belonging to Helga Hufflepuff, it fits what she stands for, and what she loves, to a tee. There is such a strong friendship bond connected to Hufflepuff house, as far as loyalty goes - but there is family loyalty, and the friendship loyalty. I like the idea that a lot of the magic would have to do with mother-daughter relationships - it makes it doubly horrific and perverted that Tom would then get a hold of it, seeing as he never got to be anywhere near his own mother - even if it wouldn't have worked for him anyways being a man. Loved this story - great work! Report Review
Wow - I know I said I was going to review this a while ago, seeing as you were the only entry in my challenge...but now I feel horrible for leaving it late. I hope I can make it up for it.
This piece was exactly what I wanted to see come out of this competition; it's an in-depth look at a performer in the wizarding world, and I think you did an awesome job with what you were given. I love how you took someone existing in the books - however cursory - and fleshed her into the piece rather than giving a major character a different hobby, or making an ooc - this just feels like it would belong in canon, and it seriously gives me shivers, being a singer myself - there was so much connection to the magical world, and the character and - I want to read more! I want to read about Celestina's other touring venues - I want to go on the road with her and her banshees!
Also - I loved the throwaway of the banshee singers. Those are some more 'creatures' only just mentioned in the world, but they would be singers, wouldn't they! It's just - no other word to describe it - perfect. This is what I was expecting in this challenge. Brava! Report Review
"I'll be in the most magical place there is, sweetie. I won't leave you."
I think that phrase there about sums up this entire story. The entire series. This is such a lovely, sad piece - and I'm honored to get a chance to read through it.
Luna's such a funny character, it's hard to think about how she's seen some truly horrible things. Even before Deathly Hallows. You write as a little girl beautifully - not once did she seem unbelievable or just plain insane which is how she comes off in quite a few fan fictions. I love your Luna to bits - and my heart goes out to her.
I think some of my favorite part's though are the bits you made up - the Ruin Roses, Sun-Bathing Slugs, Different plants and animals that may or may/not exist - it's perfect for what would be around their home - just perfectly good names, ideas - really clever and great.
There's quite a lot of movement you have - from good to bad to sad and just - so many places to go. But in them all, you capture Luna, who is such a unique person. I could totally see her wearing a bright yellow dress to a funeral because it was her mother's favorite color. More people should think like that.
Great job.Author's Response: Awww. Thank you so much for reading this story, and I'm quite glad that you've liked it. I enjoyed writing Luna, though I wasn't very sure if I gave her enough justice. I am very glad that the people who have read it so far gave me positive reviews.
I like inventing names haha.. its what I do all the time in PW. xD But its just so realistic that things like that would exist in the Lovegood residence.
I think yellow is Luna's thing, and I can just see her in it.
Thank you. Report Review
Bertrand Scamander were the first to arrive, since their son, Rolf, was an usher.
-- Just a note, I believe in canon Rolf is actually the son of Newt Scamander. Newt and Porpentina. It's confusing, because on one site it says it's his grandson, but the lexicon, it says that he's there son. So maay want to check - not that's it's really THAT big of a deal.
Anyways - it certainly seems that you like wedding themes! And you're good at them too - as here were see - YES - The return of your lovely descriptions.
There seems to be a bit more flow in this thread than the previous one - maybe because it's just focusing on the wedding and not the months proceeding it. I think the only thing I was missing was one last little moment between Penelope and Percy, perhaps - because you had such a long one in the first part, I don't know.
Anyways, good job! I really enjoyed reading the stories you sent me, and can't wait to see what you have going on in the future! Report Review
Hey! Here comes another review.
I have to say, love the idea for this story - it took me a while after the 'pairings' JK gave us after the ends of the books to go 'hey, wait a minute...he wasn't dating a Audrey...what happened to Penelope?' It's nice to see she didn't end up, in your story, falling to the wayside. That she gets a happy ending too.
Critically speaking, I didn't see MANY problems with spelling or punctuation. The biggest thing that got me, in reading this - was that the spacing and the time flow is really all over the place. Which isn't a bad thing - you can jump months and weeks, that's no problem - but with everything sort of evenly-spaced out it's hard to tell WHEN it's going to jump, or even that it DOES jump until you're reading a few sentences down and realize a few months or days have passed by - something you might want to check on.
Another thing - in writing the article for the newspaper, I think everything you put together, like the 'quotes' from people, they can go in one solid block - let me explain. It seemed like each new thought got a new sentence, but in a newspaper, that doesn't necessarily happen. It was sort of hard to see where the paper began and where normal discussion started up again. Something to think about for later stories.
Lastly, I might have picked up on a teeny continuity error in Penny and Marcellus' wedding announcement - you seem to say that they were planning to have their wedding no matter WHAT if the war went on over New Years Eve - so they would have been planning it then. In that case, he would have long since proposed to her - and wouldn't NEED to propose to her again at the end of the battle and the liberation of the wizarding world. If they were together, engaged, then broken up, and then together again, yes - but if they were planning the wedding anyways, albeit a less public one - then they wouldn't have needed the second proposal.
This is me just picking up on things - it doesn't make it any less of an interesting idea or a cool story idea. Simply things to think about.Author's Response: Thanks again!
This was one of my earlier stories so I wasn't as practiced on little things. I think they discussed it then when the war was over, he proposed to make it official. But the wedding in wartime would just have an officiant there at Gamp Manor (where Marecellus lives and Penelope hid at), with his parents and sister as witnesses. Report Review
Whoops - sorry it took me so long to get through finishing my reviews.
Interesting take on this idea! It's always interesting to see how other aspects of the wizarding world worked in the books - and although we know many characters who are or become Auror's - we really don't get to see how they function. This story reminded me very much of a Law and Order or Dog the Bounty Hunter Episode - an interesting play.
And I've always wanted to see Dear Delores get her just desserts.
That being said, I have one TINY criticism/suggestion/question...it's not TOO glaring in the story, but I thought it'd be worth mentioning for the sake of being constructive.
Because you specified that this is like, the DAY after the Battle of Hogwarts - I thought that it took more than a few days - YEARS even to get things back into order. Yes, Kingsley is named Minister - but in overturning the Ministry, those things wouldn't happen instantaneous, would they. It didn't happen that way even when Voldemort took it over - it FELL in one night, but infiltration took weeks and months. It probably would have happened the same way. It just seemed like your timeline might benefit from stretching out a teensy bit.
Other than that - a very realistic take. Nobody went down with wands blazing on an irate and bigoted Umbridge. Justice is finally shown being served!Author's Response: Thanks, I'll consider what you suggested.
I think Umbridge would be put on the wanted list immediately considering all she did, and would be a priority to track down, though how long it took we don't know.
Thanks for the review Report Review
There were so many little one-liners in here, that it's hard to pick a favorite - which is what I seem to do with a lot of your stories. This chapter was just adorable - and I total envy your ability to write like eleven year old boys with such an apparent EASE. I write them too, but I always freak out and wonder what I'm doing wrong. I'm wholly jealous.
I think the biggest thing I take away from this moment is the interactions, or the first thoughts, of Ron looking at Harry in those first stages of their friendship! I mean, you introduced us to his family in the first chapter, and his interactions with them - but Harry really becomes that 'lost brother' to him! So it was like you showed his real family in one chapter...and his extended in another. And that's just awesome, really.
It really makes a reader think - because here we have seen Ron, who has a HUGE family and lots of love, but he's stuck with his little grey rat. And then we have Harry, with the owl of Ron's DREAMS - but no family. A kid who's so desperate to HAVE that family, too. I was waiting for Ron to wake up and REALIZE that, and I can just picture him starting to get real hints of that with other scenes we know that's to come in the books - like with the mirror or Erised.
You break my heart, girl!
I'll hilight my two favorite lines - not the funny ones, specifically, but the ones that really got me - just because I like doing that when I find 'em.
Ron stole another glance at the boy sitting next to him in the boat. With his knobbly knees and thin shoulders, Harry didn't look like he'd ever had much to eat. That he'd share his chocolate frogs with a relative stranger showed a kind of openness and generosity that Ron reckoned he'd value in a friend.
Just...so Ron. It's like 'Yeah - he shares his stuff with me. I think I'd like him as a friend'. It's that first friendship stuff - you don't really focus TOOO much on the fact that hey, he's just a really nice guy so I should stick with him. He seems nice...so I reckon he's okay.
'Harry Potter had conquered death before he was even out of nappies. Ron Weasley was about to start at Hogwarts and he hadn’t even conquered his fear of the dark.'
I just...okay, I can't even distinguish why I love this line so much - but it just ENCAPSULATES Ron. It's all those insecurities and jealousies he continues to show when he's older in big, bad outbursts all caught up in eleven year old insecurities. I love, love, love it.Author's Response: I love eleven year old Ron. I love writing him; what does it say about me that I'm more comfortable writing from a child's POV than a teen or an adult?!
Once again, you have written an amazingly thoughtful review and I'm again astounded by the perception you show in your reading! (also you keep making me look cleverer than I am) Are you an English lit student!?
So, your comments about Ron's 'lost brother', about the owl and the rat and the families, and the mirror of Erised. Well, it's just lovely to read your reviews. You should open a review thread, your insight is so valuable.
'Yeah - he shares his stuff with me. I think I'd like him as a friend'. - hahahaha, this IS so Ron. Not just ickle Ron, but Ron.
Thank you so very much for taking the time to do these reviews, and thank you again for giving Pop Goes The Weasel 1st place in the Daddy Dearest challenge. The inspiration I got from that challenge was fab... you sparked what's going to probably be a novella!
Thank you thank you thank you! (and get well soon!)
I always want to hug ickle Ron. Your Ron is no exception - because he's sooo perfect it's just. Him. I always feel like an idiot trying to explain with your stories how wonderful you are with characterizations - but you are. Wonderful.
The moments with the family here are just darling - everyone's reactions are too a 'T' and I love how they all try to cheer him up in their own way. Even Percy - who I think in this moment is my FAVORITE sibling of all of them. He's so full of himself but he does it with such love that you just can't smuck him and tell him to go calm down. And there really is SUCH a connection between him and Ron, different ends of the emotional spectrum but in so many ways they both want the same thing - to be distinguished and different.
Another thing I have to comment on, because I've seen it a lot in other Weasley stories is - Way to not go overboard on the twinspeak! Yay! You have Fred and George as two individual who indeed do not share one brain and thought patterns between each other like weird simese psychics! Brava!
To finish up, I do have to say that I think my favorite reference out of this entire story is to Percy teaching Scabbers to be a quill sharpener. That's absolutely brilliant - and even though I know he is indeed a scary, bald and evil little man beneath those cuddly whiskers I just, like...It's honestly like the feelings you get re-reading the innocence of the first book and forgetting about all that...ugliness. Scabbers was the perfect starter-pet for ron...and neither of them turn out to be just 'ordinary grey rats', do they!Author's Response: I wanna hug ickle Ron too. He's such a little soul. I don't really know how to respond to such kind words (especially about the characterization) other than to say thank you thank you thank you!
As I said in another response, I love the link you've drawn here between Percy and Ron. You're very astute, you know!
I did find writing Fred and George tricky, but from what you say it turned out alright! They very rarely actually end each others sentences in canon, although they do often say what the other is thinking!
Ahh, you've picked out my favourite little bit in the whole chapter. Scabbers the quill sharpener. It was hard to write Scabbers as this innocent, rather sweet little pet, knowing what he really was... but I just had to remember the way we all saw him until the end of the third book (/film, whatever floats your boat). Before we knew about Peter, we thought Scabbers really was just a lazy, content little creature who stood for the Weasley's poverty (and Ron's pride). Report Review
First, I have to say that, since Halloween is my favorite holiday of all time (even though I'm a huge Marauder nerd and things kinda...fell apart on that day in such a horrible way) I LOVE this chapter since you kind of juxtapositioned it with the fun and wild holiday with the 'least' fun and wild Weasley. And the COSTUMES are such a perfect fit for everyone - I mean there's Percy with his ambition and admiration for great wizards...Fred and George as little night terrors (te he!) Charlie-dragon is a given and Bill the big strong Quidditch man. Molly the cat and RON! Ronikins and all things food and pumpkin-related! I could see his siblings teasing the CRUD out of him for it and yet I just want to smoosh him! Only think I'd have like to have seen is a baby Gin done up as something. I know she's the baby, but that never stopped my parents trussing me up!
I have to say I think one of my favorite moments was when Percy started complaining about not getting his reading lesson in - and how he TRIED to read to Ron but he kept 'rolling away from him'. I just...it sort of echos how they try and not listen to Percy when he gets older wether you meant that or not.
The ending of this is so forlorn and sad - it's just. You KNOW it's coming as member of the fandom, but it's STILL done in a way that you rarely see. There are certainly stories out there of how Sirius finds out, and how Remus does - but what about other Order Members. Or, like this, the average wizarding family. And they don't even know how influential they're going to be for the Potter's baby in the future.
Now, I would like to finish up with sort of a question/comment/querie. I think I've been noticing a theme, such as the different ages and time periods idea, but I can't be sure - because it's so subtly done (or not there at all and I am reading into things WAY too much) that I had to go back and read over the other two chapters. It seems like the different elements that you portray Arthur with in interacting with his children makes me think that you're showing him mirroring those traits the children have or WILL have when they're older. Let me explain - it's most obvious in this chapter, as we have Arthur being so patient and focused and attentive on listening to Percy, and showing a slightly more 'intellectual, focused' side - which are good traits that Percy definitely has. With Charlie, we saw him in the midst of a meeting where technically what he is doing is highly dangerous, delicate work - he's taking risks to do what he feels he can - which Charlie learns to work with when he goes running off to Romania. Bill was harder, because he's a baby, of course, in the focus on him, but in that we see Arthur ready to take charge and defend his family, take charge and in some ways be a leader - which we see Bill doing with his brothers, and imagine he does with Fleur and the girls/Louis later on!
I could be off, but it was an interesting trait I saw, so I'd thought I'd mention it. As always, I think everything spelling related is practically flawless.Author's Response: Hi again! You have been busy ;) And such lovely long reviews too, thank you!
I really enjoyed thinking of each of the Weasleys costumes and I did consider giving Ginny a costume too... I mean, she's 10 weeks old at this point, get with the programme Weasley parents! But as I was getting to the really sombre part of the story, I didn't want to overload it with another costume, if you see what I mean. If you like, you can imagine that she's dressed as a Snitch, with a little pair of wings sprouting from her golden romper suit. Arthur had to have a sharp word with an overexcited Bill to stop him from holding her in the air, claiming 'I caught the Snitch!'.
Yeah, even little Percy finds it hard to get his brothers attention! Bless him. In your review of An Ordinary Grey Rat, you mention the similarities between Percy and Ron (by the way, you're very clever and have a great analytical mind) and I think this another one of those moments. Ron also feels like he doesn't have much of a voice amongst his siblings, and it's meeting and befriending Harry & Hermione that brings out the best in him. Percy doesn't have friends like that, so he ends up channelling his energies and his voice into slightly misguided activities!
I liked the idea of Arthur not knowing much about the Potter baby, when it was only a matter of years before he became their ipso facto seventh son!
I have to say, you're finding things in my writing that make me look a lot cleverer than I actually am - you're bang on with the different ages, but I didn't purposely alter Arthur to fit with each kid. Now that you say it, that's exactly what I've been doing! Aren't I a genius?! :P In fact, looking at the plan for my Fred chapter, I've done the same again. I officially love your reviews, they help me see things in a whole new way.
Seriously Kat, you're one clever and insightful bunny. Glad you enjoyed this :) Report Review
You wonderfully evil writer you.
I don't know why, but I just don't like stories where Charlie finds a girl and has a kid. When I first saw this story - I was like 'okay, sigh, Athene's really good with writing the Weasley family, I suppose this will be better and won't break the character of a strong guy with his love of dangerous animals TOO much. And, I mean, at least the kid's name is Cosmo - which is an awesome Weasley name, I have to say.
I was getting used to the idea around the middle of it. I mean, at least this April was a fellow dragon handler, and not some random girl from school that he just happens to find somewhere...in Romania...for no reason. So there's that connect. I can see them raising a little sprog with little dragons.
And then we had the heart-wrenching tale of their meeting, and we meet the brief, but wonderful Brandusa. Another amazing name. And OMG IT'S A BABY DRAGON!!!
So...after starring at the screen for a few minutes with my mouth open, I realize that - wow. Wow wow wow. Charlie is a dad - but in Charlie's way. You kept to Jo's imagining but now we get to see all the Weasley have their very own special child of their own. Including Charlie. Which makes me ridiculously happy, because I think out of all of them, besides Molly and Ron - I love Charlie. Bugger gets to work with dragons, man! And coming from a household that routinely has gotten their dogs by breaking and entering on junk yards with a pair of wire cutters, or taking in birds and stuff - It's just. Perfect. Another wonderful story, and I think it's a safe bet to say I will NEVER doubt you to do something amazing and wonderful and true to form to ANY of the Weasley's every again.Author's Response: Rwahaha, another reader caught on my line of misdirection! (There have been a few reviews telling me off for being sneaky...)
I have to say, I LOVED reading your train of thought here... I think it's how I would have approached this story as a reader! I agree with you about stories where Charlie gets married etc. As JKR herself said, 'Not everybody falls in love with everybody else'!
I love the name Cosmo too, I might have to write about Charlie again just so that we can see a bit more of Cosmo. Brandusa is Romanian for 'Crocus' :)
I entered the Newborn Moments challenge and was a bit stumped when I was given Charlie as my main character- I am a canon freak and didn't want to do the usual OC thing. But then it just came to me... of COURSE Charlie's dragons would be his babies. I know my dog is mine! And, massive respect and thanks to you for being one of those wonderful people who will go out of their way to adopt/liberate the animals that need it most. Seriously. The world needs more people like you.
Thank you for all your lovely words, I'm glad that you enjoyed this story so much! :D Report Review
This was a really interesting moment - a true slice of life - and what makes it so compelling, in MY opinion, is that we DON'T know who it is - it can fill any of the faceless, nameless Death Eaters we see causing unspeakable evils in the Harry Potter Universe - and yet in 500 words you manage to give him a history, a background, to show us his motivation and fears.
I have to say the most impressive thing about this is the SHORTNESS of it all - yet you say so much. I know I've stuck away from this particular challenge because I can't explain anything in under 500 words. I can barely talk in CLASSES under 500 words. Out of everything - that's the thing that's most impressive to me. Grammar and spelling looks solid - it's short, sweet, and to the point - wonderful job. I wish we got to know who this OC was!Author's Response: The anonymity of my main character yet the versatility of him is what I wanted to particularly convey in this one-shot so I'm glad that you found it compelling because of that. Thank you so much for this! Report Review
You don't do many stories, it looks like, out of the realms of the Weasley clan. You SHOULD. I loved Andromeda as a character, and we hardly ever got to see her in the books - her story is just as sad as Harry's - she loses her family and her children, is disowned by those who were supposed to love her unconditionally, and in the end is left raising a her grandchild alone.
I love how bittersweet this moment is. Is that a nice thing to say? I think a lot of the time, I know I'M guilty of trying to steer things to the nicer side - of repairing relationships - of everything being bright and golden. This is so far from that, it's haunting. Honestly I love this bit and wish there was honestly MORE to it.
The hints that Andromeda has seemed to inherited that tiny, tiny bit of her daughter's magic is just...wow. The eyes truly are the window to the soul, and this seemed to be the perfect reflection of that - well done.
Lastly - I Love love LOVE the relationship hinted at being struck between Molly and Annie. Usually stories that feature her have her reconciling with Narcissa or something - which has always seemed unlikely to me. But here are two women - to loving mothers - who have lost something, and they end up concoling each other. I would really like to heard about that relationship even more - how Molly looks at Andromeda and sees past the reflection of a woman she killed, and who tried to kill her daughter, and who was somewhat responsible for the death of her son. Wow.Author's Response: I think Andromeda's story is so very tragic; in fact, wanting to write her story is what got my involved with HPFF. So much awful stuff happened to her, and I don't think she has much of a chance of happiness other than Teddy. So, I wanted to focus on the good things in her life (friends like Molly, her life with Teddy, country living, and even her slight metamorphmagus powers) as well as the sadness and lingering anger.
I think it makes sense that Molly and Andromeda might be friends; they probably understand each other better than anyone. I do plan to write about 'Annie' again, and if I do I will certainly include the Molly connection.
Finally - as much as I love the Weasleys and am comfortable with them, I am branching out a little! I'm working on a Luna one-shot at the moment and have a story for Malfoy swirling around my brain. I'll also definitely be writing about all three Black sisters at some point!
Thank you for the lovely review, and particularly the first lines! It takes a bit of a confidence boost to leave your comfort zone and I think that's what you've given me. Report Review
The way you write the Weasley's is just breathtaking - you know that right. It seriously should make anyone want to go back and read over the books again. This is a real family, as I've only gotten to observe with the chaos that is my cousin's house - and it is so darn funny I'm pretty sure the people I'm sitting next to in the libary are wondering where I've escaped from. I better get down to the nuts and bolts of things before they try and find out...
I have to say I havn't found anything really grammatically wrong here, so there you go. I love how you didn't do another 'BIRTH' sort of storyline, although that's originally what I would have thought. The interactions between Bill and Charlie are adorable, spot on - and Charlie's burst of magic was just - fitted to a t.
Pregant Molly - love her. She's got it down to perfection. You can tell where she's becoming a woman to be reconed with - and we havn't even GOTTEN to the Twins yet.
I have to say though, the standout for me in this chapter was the interactions you had with the OTHER people in this chapter - Alice and Frank. Just - wow. I don't think I've ever read a story that went into how they were as fully-functioning members of society - let alone as aurors. I love how you have the dycotomy between them - and the hint at them going out and snogging at the lake as seniors was just - hilarious.
My favorite part though? I have to say was this:
'Here, Alice Longbottom interjected, digging around in her pockets. She pulled out a couple of brightly wrapped sweets, and laughed softly as both Weasley boys fell silent, their eyes lit with enthusiasm and their faces suddenly angelic. There are two more of these in my pocket if you’re very good boys and you eat these quietly.'
I just sat there starring at this paragraph for no apparent reason, wondering when I heard it before. And then I remembered Alice and her candy wrappers and Neville in the Hospital. And it was just like getting hit by a brick. Oh dear LORD woman - just...wooow. Little moments are your honest specialty and I am so glad I get to read more of this - keep 'em coming!Author's Response: Ah, it's interesting that you were expecting another 'birth' plot; in fact, this series will move through the children's lives as well as Arthur's... so we start with Bill's birth and will probably be culminating in Ginny's marriage or graduation.
You've got to love a pregnant Molly! (From a distance)
I'm very glad you've enjoyed my Alice and Frank. They had to be interesting people to create Neville, and I hope you can see bits of him in both of them. Ah, the sweeties. Yeah. I hoped that it might have some sort of effect on anyone who made the link! I think I love Alice and Frank a bit... I've mentioned in my other Authors Response that I'm planning stories about other characters and I think I may be adding the Longbottoms to the list!
Thank you for the review - keep 'em coming! ;P
(PS. Chapter 3 of this one will be up as soon as I can get it into the queue and validated!) Report Review
Hey! So, in reading this story - I have to say that the first thing that stuck out to me is that it's missing the wonderful descriptions you put into your challenge fiction. I know not a lot of people don't write about Percy or Audrey - so I'd have liked to see a little invention. We know you can do it, but seeing as this was supposed to be a super short spot, I can see why. But you have places such as the Wizarding Indian Restaurant which could have added a little pizzazz to.
I have to say I love the idea of a wizarding paint ball - it's a cute little moment.
As far as descriptions go, I really would have liked to see a little more about Audrey - you do mention at some point she was at school with Percy, and she works at Gringott's - but than her description, she'd completely blank. What house was she in? Did she play Quidditch? She asks so many questions of Percy - who we all know about - but we learn almost nothing about her! Audrey is blank enough that you could make her your own - have some fun with her!
Grammatically, I noticed a few mistakes - Missing commas, little things - but it was relatively strong, and there was nothing that distracting.
Overall - it was a cute little story. It's a turn on a couple we really haven't seen much of.Author's Response: Thanks!
This was my first Percy/Audrey and IIRC, I was rushing to get this done and tweaked on time.
I'll go over it and tweak it.
Glad you enjoyed it :) Report Review
That's what I'm going to start with - because serious I had to read this over a few times to try and soak everything in. I still may not have it all. Let me just start off by saying that it is very obvious that you love the Weasley clan - and thank you so much for sharing that devotion with us, with this challenge - just, wow.
From the very first Paragraph, it's clear that you know what you are doing. Perhaps one of the things that I loved about this story is seeing the Weasley's as a New family - which I personally have never read before. There's stories where they're all still kids, or very young, or only a couple of children - but none really that show the Weasleys as new parents - which considering they are new parents at least six different times, we tend to forget about. Everything is new in this chapter - we have an Arthur who still has thick hair, we have a handsome, healthy Errol (te-he!) and we have a clock that has only TWO hands on it. That's almost UNTHINKABLE for the Weasley clan, who by the end of the series have a house so cluttered and such a large family that that poor clock probably won't be able to move.
You hit the nail on the head about what I was looking for in the father challenge - it was the specific relationship, and then the familial relationship - it wasn't JUST Arthur and Bill - it wasn't even Arthur, MOLLY and Bill - I think you covered the entire Weasley-Prewett microcosm thus far in one chapter. You tied it in beautifully with the letter writing at the beginning and the end - which is something I didn't catch the first time through. Starting off writing the letter to his family and then finishing it off. It's a a true slice of life moment.
Next - I love humor, and there were moments in here that just had be laughing out loud. For one, I really want to know what the specifics were with the Mashed Potatoes, Howlers and Molly that got him so worked up to punch a bloke. That wasn't even my favorite moment though. That award would have to go to this section:
'She gave an almost beatific smile. 'I couldn’t have done it without your help.’ Arthur grinned and raised an eyebrow. ‘Arthur! Not that. Well, yes – that. But last night, when I was scared and in pain… You kept me going; in fact, Judith said you’re a natural.’
Ooooh gosh - is it bad that I pictured my parents in that moment?! Because I did - it's the sort of glib humor moment, and just imagining Mr. Weasley waggling his eyebrows about THAT...beautiful! He truly is 20 years old, isn't he!?
Okay - seriously nitpicking, because there is virtually NOTHING seriously wrong with this piece, There is a moment starting with 'After the midwife had left...' which COULD be broken up a bit, because it seems sort of run on. But literally - it's NOT a big deal. It's not even distracting. I only noticed it because I've ready it about three times already feeling like I need to say SOMETHING specifically constructive.
To sum all up - beautiful piece. Honestly CAN'T wait to read more, I want to see the changes, because I'm SURE they'll be there - and you sum up your own story so perfectly yourself: ‘The Weasleys’ were no longer his parents and brothers, but himself, Molly, and the baby. He realised that he would do anything – anything – to keep his son, his little family, safe from harm. That, right there, is the perfect words coming from the most prolific dad in the series. Brava!Author's Response: Oh my, can I give your review 10/10? I don't even know where to begin!
... Okay seriously, I don't know where to begin, so I'll just say thank you very much for the lovely praise, for the attempt at constructive criticism (that sentence annoys me too), and for letting me unleash my Weasley love on you! I'll let you know when I gave chapter two up.
Athene xo Report Review
Okay, time to get on with important things, isn't it?
Let me just start off by saying you have a very solid, very enjoyable form of writing - and it was interesting to see this sort of story written in the way that supported the family aspect, while it still has emphasis on the father-daughter terms of the challenge. At the start, showing it with Hermione's sort-of interpretation of why Ron is acting this was was really interesting - it was still heavily father-daughter although it was, in fact, a mother-daughter talk.
You wrote in this story with a very elevated language - which worked really well when you were having conversations between Hermione and Rosie - and Rose talking the way she did, and using certain 'phrase', gave me a sense, when I was reading it, how she really would fit in with a future Malfoy heir. I havn't actually gotten around to reading a lot of second-generation fiction - mostly because I have interpretations of certain characters in my head that are usually shaken by certain pairings - but be proud in knowing that, probably for the first time ever - I actually wholeheartedly support a Weasley-Malfoy Union!
As far as your language-use goes, if I may nitpick, the only person it didn't seem to fit, was Ron. Not that I think Ron is by any means a slack-jawed yokel. Again, this probably is me just reading a more sensible Ron, perhaps. It wasn't that he wasn't enjoyable, either - I liked him, but it was a little strange as he seemed very...I almost want to call it Hermione-ish. They were on a more even footing than I've ever felt in a story. I suppose I'll just have to read more of this kind of Ron, though, and get used to it.
Grammatically, I noticed some of the same problems cropping up a couple of times. They weren't enough to take anyone out of the story, and they were mistakes we ALL make. I've probably made them a few times already in this review, and I've made them dozens of times in my own writing, but for the sake of pointing things out, it might help, so here goes:
Comma use - I'm sure some of them were just mistakes, but you might want to go back and check a few. For example, at one point, we have a sentence like this: 'He's terribly rude to, Scor, and he wouldn't even glance my way.' The comma after the to is unnecessary.
Secondly - word tenses. Sentences such as: 'Her heart tear into pieces as her baby cried in her arms because of her husband's childish behavior'. Tore would be a better substitute here, or 'was tearing' because it's happening instantaneously.
Lastly - Check some of your phrases. It doesn't interrupt the flow of the story too bad, but some of them can be a TAD choppy. Also, just looking at things like instead of: 'I'm dearly sorry to Scorpius and you'. It's usually better to say 'you and Scorpius' when someone (Hermione) is referencing the person she is talking to (Rose) and someone else. If it was ROSE talking, THEN you'd have it as 'Scorpius and I'.
Otherwise, I really enjoyed your descriptions, and seeing what the characters are thinking. Ron, looking back on Rosie having been a' little bundle of pinkish skin and wispy auburn hair' who is now a dazzling young woman really gets at the core of what the challenge was about, and what/how it feels for someone to be a father. Good show!Author's Response: Hello!
I'm so glad you enjoy the story. I have to admit, I'm not used to writing Ron, because I'm so used to writing Hermione and Draco. But I think it worked somehow in my view that Ron had matured a lot, plus the fact that he's the dad now, playing big bad daddy and forcing to be the grown, and wise Daddy. So yeah. Thank you for pointing that out.
As to my grammar, thank you for pointing those out. Sometimes when I re-read and re-check my work, things still slip my eyes and mind. But I'm glad it wasn't too big. It'll be a bit of shame if it was, eh? LOL.
But anyway, I'll probably correct them when I can. And thank you for the review, and for the challenge, it's one of the most fun challenge to write. :) Report Review
Alright, finally my time to get down to reviewing this after you've waited so patiently for the Contest to end and for me to get off my butt, eh?
Let me start off with saying that, in all, this is a really nice piece of writing. You have a really strong grasp of character for both Ginny and Arthur - I love the banter between them, particularly at the beginning - talking about how she was supposed to be his little girl forever, but she 'forgot'. This moment really made me smile, and it was some of those moments I really was looking for in the idea of father-children / father-daughter relationships in regards to the competition - so kudos!
Constructively speaking, it wasn't hard to read. There were slight moments were things seemed to be repeated unnecissarily - but it's more a stylistic thing than an actual problem, and a few of your other reviewers have pointed it out as well. Things like the speeches, just were a bit long, and said essentially similar things.
You have a really nice way of describing things - like how something looks, that could have been used to describe a few 'bigger' things. Let me explain: You talk about the catering, as well as the wedding cake that Molly made, with just enough detail that you can picture it - you can see the food in front of you. But, there wasn't really the same amount of care given to describing the rest of the reception in the Bewitched Hotel - save for saying they were having it there to alleviate stress on the Burrow with all the guests. Moments where you were moving into the wedding and into the dinner/reception moved more like 'okay, now we need to move here for the story to continue'. Again - that's a stylistic choice, but you had some nice descriptions for what Ginny was wearing, and the food - just a thought, and some nitpicking, from a friendly reviewer.
You seem to really enjoy playing around with wordplay as well, and remembering little details about the Harry Potter world that would most likely be passed by by other people. Little touches, such as mentioning the preferences of Bill's food choices, or Hagrid being able to be seen quite easily from a distance - those are nice little tweaks you get by reading, nudges to the books. Also, you had your own moments that fit so believably into the world - as a music major, I caught on about there being a singer named Helena Treble and had a little twitter - I don't think she was from the books (forgive me if I'm wrong) but it's certainly clever enough to fit right into canon.
Someone already mentioned this as a favorite part, but the moment where Arthur sort of makes the decision to think of it as not losing a daughter but gaining yet another son is so...him. To close it off, I think I'll add another favorite moment that I found, which I don't think anyone else has come across and I'm probably a nutjob for pointing out - but it's so adorable, and so her, and it comes from Luna.
-- Time came for Ginny to throw the bouquet. The unmarried women all gathered around, and Ginny threw it behind her. Luna caught it.
'These are nice,' she observed. --
It's just...so her. You managed to capture her characteristics without one mention of a nargle or moon frog or whatever else she would think up. It was just a 'aw' moment for me.
To summarize, it's a nice story - I'd go back and look at some things like fleshing out, taking time between going from Point A to Point B, adding small touches of description regarding places, perhaps (you can already do it). Also - check your flow of sentences - I noticed a couple places that seemed to be missing connecting words like 'the' or 'in' or 'to'. But overall - it was a beautiful moment. Thanks for giving me a chance to read it, and I'll be posting the results soon enough and send off a PM when I do!Author's Response: Thanks for the review.
This story was longer than I anticipated because I didn't want to skim or rush, I wanted to get as much in as possible. I thought the "These are nice" was definitely Luna. She's one of my favourities. I'm glad you my story. Report Review
I really liked this story - I've recently found that Bill and Fleur is an interesting couple to write - and you covered their relationship so eloquently even though it covers such a substantial amount of time.
I particularly like the ending - I believe somebody already mentioned that. But the connection with the name of their first child, and the idea of prevailing love, and the war...it just...fits.
Beautiful work.Author's Response: Oh, thank you so much for taking the time to leave me a review on this! :D I'm so glad you liked it -- it was a lot of fun to write, and actually came rather quickly. There were a few times when I'd look down, and I'd written 500 words without even realizing it!
The endings actually my favorite part, too -- endings for stories are always my favorite bits to write. :D Thanks so much for taking the time to leave a review on this; it was so lovely, and very much appreciated! ♥ Report Review
This is absolutely gorgeous.
I don't know if this'll make any sense or not, but while I've read a lot of Lily and James stories...this is one of the few that I've read that they also feel like real people. Not everything is perfectly okay - it isn't all loving, beautiful moments - it shows the anguish of these characters who are stuck together - and the idea that you can love someone so much and yet in certain circumstances try to push them away.
I also think you had a brilliant way of showing moments with how the war is going on around them. Your right, they are stuck in a stasis - they arn't allowed out to fight - and the two of them react in different ways to that. It was wonderful how to described the changes there - to the Order surrounding them to everyone slowly filtering away or dying. It was spooky - it drew the tension and the stakes of the first war up without really referencing any spellfire or massive explosions and an ever rising body count. I take my hat off to you for that - because it brought more tension with what was not said than what was.
I love Lily in this - and James. I think the characterization was spot on - moving them on to adults in a tense moment. It's a one-shot that I've had to go back and read more than once to make sure I got everything - so brava, my dear.Author's Response: Thank you so much! What a lovely review to wake up to :D
This is one of those one-shots that came out of nowhere. It was supposed to be, strangely enough, a story that made James and Lily to be incompatible in the very beginning and then it turned into this somehow. But the response it's received from readers like you has been so wonderful.
You're absolutely right, by the way. They are in a stasis and in a strange sort of way, it forces them to grow up.
Thank you for reading! :)
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