Reading Reviews From Member: broadwaykat
  
43 Reviews Found

Review #1, by broadwaykatWhat's in a Name: One

14th August 2013:
This is really interesting.

I like how you've set up the idea first - as well as the start of the story. But, let me break that up into two different parts - because that's sort of what it feels like.

Firstly, the idea of deal-making magic. There are always these sorts of people in fairy tales, but nobody ever goes into more description that 'demons' or 'monsters' - or why they do it. This idea that you've set up - that they use it for themselves, and keep it for energy or to enhance their own lives is really interesting. The character of 'Matthew' alone is equally intriguing. He's a teenager basically of an immortal race, who can't be bothered to steal lives up until he meets Alice. He almost comes off as a devil like figure - not as the evil side now, but as the scheming, 'I do it because I can, Devil'. And its' quite interesting.

At first, I thought the Alice in this story was Alice Longbottom - but I don't think she is, is she? Not with two daughters, unless this is an alternative.

There's something about this story which is really intriguing. Can't wait to read some more of it!

Author's Response: I've always wanted to a write a story about this - they're part of my 'supernatural series' and are very interesting in my headcanon. I'm glad you like it and that you see 'Matthew' as a Devil-like figure; even though they're born human, it's their magic that perceives them as demons in the legends and 'Matthew' is far from good. Writing him is very cool. :)

No, it's not Alice Longbottom. She's an OC. :)

I hope to have more up soon! Thank you so much for leaving a review!

Sam.


 Report Review

Review #2, by broadwaykatThe Elf and the Shoes: Unexpected discovery

13th August 2013:
So we are going to have some magical shoes! I was almost certain it was going to be some more with the magical objects - but I do like how you worked them into the story. Of course, I suppose I should have guessed the outcome from the title, now that I am reading it.

It's interesting how you didn't just work regular made shoes into this - they're all magic, but not in the stereotypical way. And there's different types too, so different bits and ends of income for the Weasley family! And the crystal shoes remind me a bit of a homage to other fairy tale stories - Cinderella's glass slippers, for one.

I like how this story kind of ties together the connection between the eccentric, good characters - you've got Arthur, who's definitely a little out there, Dobby the paid elf and Dumbledore. It's a really interesting connection you made - and definitely made me smile, even if for two of them the actual story will end rather bittersweetly, won't it?

Author's Response: Starting this review response with yet another Thankyou!

All I get out of your reviews The first time I read them is compliments. But when I think about what you said I did miss an opportunity with those magical objects. They were just a throwaway. My one big disappointment from the story is that the shoes weren't more magical. I couldn't see how to make something earth shattering out of them without leaving cannon. Which is why the sneakers just look cool at the moment while the others address instant cash. But Thankyou so much for all your comments and your beautifully in depth review! Glad you've been enjoying it!


 Report Review

Review #3, by broadwaykatThe Elf and the Shoes: Untold Story

13th August 2013:
Ah! I see we finally get into the end of the story!

Well, let me first compliment you on the way you worked the fairy tale into the Harry Potter universe. I love that you didn't just copy the story from the get-go, and that everything is exactly the way it was in the story. Arthur is not a shoemaker - and yet he gets some pairs of magical shoes to help pay for his family. Dobby helps them out, and get the clothes he wants - but it's all different. You put your own twist on this story, which was what this challenge was about!

The end of this story is heartbreaking - how Arthur keeps those shoes because they remind him both of Dobby and Dumbledore, while they helped him in a time of need. That is so true to the characters. But now, I want to know what happens with those shoes- and those grandchildren. Perhaps there is another story in the making?

Thank you for giving me the chance to read this - I thoroughly enjoyed this! And thank you for entering my challenge!

Author's Response: Thank-you so much for the challenge. I've really begun to enjoy writing to challenges cause it forces me to write in areas I may not be very comfortable in. This one has been my favourite so far actually it was a heap of fun!
I was surprised you found it heartbreaking but I'm really glad too. I guess I wanted it a little bittersweet but kinda had the assumption that all fairy stories should have at least one happy ever after. I just wanted the whole sweet thing to come across. Something feel good and wonderful. And I think a part of that is sorrow too.

Glad you like the slant on the traditional fairy tale to make it a part of hp stories. Thankyou so much for the challenge and food the awesome amazing absolutely, astonishingly, astronomical ... im running low. .. Really nice reviews

:)
Thankyou
Anthea


 Report Review

Review #4, by broadwaykatThe Elf and the Shoes: Unpaid work

13th August 2013:
I think one of the most interesting things so far you've gotten to explore in this story, other than filling in the 'missing moments' in between GOF with a character we hardly ever get to see from, is the different ideas and charms that you've got placed on little objects, and the different departments explored within the ministry. I'm always a sucker for cohesive world building, and you do a really good job at that. Little throwaway comments - such as the mention of Mundungus Fletcher helping Arthur hedge his charmed objects, just make me giggle - and seem like a very 'JK' thing to do.

Also, the items you come up with seem perfectly fit to the world we know. Yes, singing micros are a little silly - but a chair-bed? And the tweaking of other objects. I always wondered if anyone could charm Molly's clock, or things like that. They're interesting ideas that you put into the story.

True, it isn't very Grimm, yet, but I can see where it might get there - so far though, you're building up a world, and even the fairy tales had to do that. In this chapter, it's almost heartbreaking, the situation you've put Arthur in - hiding from his wife, and his stickler son not even noticing that he isn't at work any more. You've got a real feel for the character, and his probable emotions.

On a constructive note, Might want to take a look at some of your spacing in this chapter. None of it is big things, but there were some words mashed together, I noticed, as well as bigger gaps between paragraphs. From an appearance standpoint, you understand.

Author's Response: Unfortunately my reply to this review was posted just as the site went down yesterday so I've lost it. I can't even remember much about it except it started as "ok now you're making me blush" Thankyou! This is another great review and I really appreciate it. Your reviews are so encouraging and flattering. You just highlight all the good bits and enjoy the story. Thankyou. Now I think my reviews are sounding gushy!
You are right about the spacing. Thanks for highlighting it. I'm relatively new at this and had missed the bit where you have to paste from wood as unformatted text or it adds extra spaces etc.

I thought I'd gone through n fixed it all but I must have missed this chapter! Thankyou!
Can I say Thankyou once more? Thankyou!





 Report Review

Review #5, by broadwaykatPublic Humiliation: Glitter, Scales and Potentially Jail

13th August 2013:
Hey, So here's my review as promised. Firstly, I'd like to say thanks for joining the challenge. It's clear you had a really good grasp of the story you had, and I enjoyed your spin on it. I'm kind of a sucker for fashion-oriented stories, and while I haven’t seen a lot of adaptations of Emperor's New Clothes, I remember it being one of my favourites, and surprisingly enough I could totally see it being more adapted, just that most people seem to forget about it in lieu of princess stories – so kudos for you with taking a shot at it!

I love particular phrases you used in the story – they really enhance some of the descriptions and moments. In particular, I think I'll be finding was to work 'flamboyant abomination' into my vocabulary. You're also particularly good with structuring dialogue – I really enjoyed the interactions between Lucy and her friends at the shop.

Now for the sake of being a critical. Overall, the spelling and writing aspect of it, I didn't seem many problems with it. I think you did really good with Britishisms, although I had to look a few up. I think the only thing that made it a little hard to understand, was that there didn't seem to be any breaks to tell us when things were moving to a different day, or weeks, or time period. You would start a conversation at one moment; next paragraph we are suddenly weeks ahead, or hours later. Sometimes that can be helped by putting in a line break – and really, that's getting nit picky.

I think we all know someone like Estella – either personally, or through media and such – and I really enjoyed the fact that you didn't back away from the nastiness. Little things in your characterisation was really good; they all seemed like real people, if not necessarily people you'd want to hang out with, in the case of Estella or her too minions. Perhaps the only character that rubbed me a bit the wrong was was Benji – don't get me wrong, love him, adorable – but out of everything he seemed to be really stereotypical; he's the quote unquote 'fem guy' who works in the fashion industry, whereas people like Lucy, or Frankie were a little more fleshed out, because we got to see their true reactions, or hear about their past with Estella. Maybe if he were to appear in future stories, a similar fleshing out could be done.

Overall, a really interesting story. A neat look at the wizarding world outside of Hogwarts, and not in the Ministry, which a lot of people don't tend to touch on, in fan fiction. Good show!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the amazing review. I absolutely loved Emporers New Clothes as well. I'm not sure why. But I am a sucker for fashion stories as well, so maybe thats it.
I have no idea where "flamboyant abomination" came from, but it stuck, and I really like it as well.
I wasn't sure about the whole moving to the next day thing. Thats my one problem with the story. Sometimes I don't know whether line breaks look odd or something, but I will definitely remember that.
Benji is the one character that I sigh at for being a bit cliche and stereotypical. I know everyone has a fem man in fashion, and he was originally straight, but it just sorta happened, and I felt like I needed him in the end. But I know that I didn't explain much about him, which i regret. Maybe I should do a whole Novella on "The Life of Benji!".
I do wish after Hogwarts less people would go straight to Aurors or Ministry, but I guess it is hard to think of what other jobs could be, since Rowling didn't really touch down much on the other options really.
Thank you again, and I had so much fun in your story


 Report Review

Review #6, by broadwaykatThe Elf and the Shoes: Unpaid Leave

13th August 2013:
Aww...This first chapter is the right sort of heartbreaking. I think you made the right pairing to start us off with it too. As you mentioned in this chapter, Dobby is certainly and eccentric - and so is Arthur. And just the two of them interacting was a little slice of adorableness.

It's also interesting to see Dobby before he finds his new job at Hogwarts - in the hard times between his employment with the Malfoy's and Hogwarts. I really enjoy well-written house elves...which is sometimes hard to find, because sometimes people write their dialogue as a mix of Yoda-speak, but this Dobby was right on the money and I could definitely see this as a 'missing moment' from the Harry Potter series itself.

I'll also bring up the Malfoy and Arthur dialogue at the beginning. It's so perfectly petty and asinine. A lot of the time we see Malfoy as such a menacing figure, but forget that in the second book, particularly with the Weasley's - he's just a giant jerk who loves rubbing it into people's faces! I absolutely adored it, it didn't seem out of character at all.

I love how you've placed this in a part of the books that nobody would have seen - setting it up in time during the fourth book, and the impact it would have had on the ministry. Poor Arthur - here's hoping things'll work out for him eventually (which...they do...sort of...)

Author's Response: Wow. I'm not entirely sure what to say. I've received 4 magnificently in-depth reviews from you and all of them just gave me the warm fuzzies.
Ill try to respond to each review individually.
Thank-you for taking the time to review this thoroughly, and thank-you for all the gushing-ness. I'm really glad you enjoyed it. I have absolutely loved creating this little story.
You highlighted in the first sentence of this review that Arthur himself is an eccentric character, and do you know, I had forgotten that entirely in writing this story? What a missed opportunity to have some more fun with his character.
And I love the fact that you felt Malfoy and Arthur were petty and asinine. (no perhaps I just love the word asinine. I'll say it again. asinine.)

Thank-you for such a lovely review, but more than that thank-you for the challenge, I never would have come up with this type of story on my own!




 Report Review

Review #7, by broadwaykatThrough the Doll's Eyes: The Final Details

13th August 2013:
I see we're getting into the thick of things now - even though I think you've mentioned we've only gotten one chapter left - I'm curious as to how you'll fit a year of travel into one chapter - but, I'll leave that for the next portion of the reviewing, shall I?

The little things you seem to invent in this story, the different characters and their relationships, are always really interesting to read. In this chapter, the idea of someone being a glamiragi seemed really well thought out. It made me think a bit of some canon women's reputations - ie Mrs. Zabini - who probably wouldn't part veela but still have power over men. At the same time, we have the idea of girls in fairy tales being almost prenaturally good or attractive - and I think this is something that fits into both worlds, and with the tone of the story - the fact that a witch could inherit some power like this and pass it on to their children, is...a little creepy.

Now, one I might mention with this chapter is that - the geneology of Camilda is getting a little hard to decipher. I was under the impression from earlier chapters that everyone KNEW her mum was a witch - but apparently, this chapter makes it clear that they did. I found a little confusing, not necessarily distracting - but I thought I'd mention it anyways. Same with her dad.

I do like your explanation for the name Vasilisa though - that it's more like an entity of the Baba Yaga than the girl herself. It makes for an interesting turn on the story.

 Report Review

Review #8, by broadwaykatThrough the Doll's Eyes: Knowledge in Another Name

10th August 2013:
I think there is something definitely interesting and creepy about this story - never more so than in this chapter. I like what you've done with the character of Camilda - because she seems a lot more sinister than Vasilia in the original story. Some of that is very satisfying, because there was always something that rubbed me the wrong way about heroines who remained perfect, despite work, and while Vasilia was made to be perfect and virginal in the original story, this feels more like she's cynical and a little...evil. And yet not totally blameable.

That's what's interesting about this story - the morals are everywhere. Which I think makes it a really good tale to set up against Dumbledore as well. Nothing is exactly black and white, or an easy answer. I guess I'll have to read on, though, to see where you take it.

 Report Review

Review #9, by broadwaykatLiving with the Beast: The Manor

10th August 2013:
Aww.Still no description on what Draco's curse now looks like? Well...okay.

I was glad to see that there was plenty of set up in this chapter though that I enjoyed. For one, we find out what happened to Lucius and Narcissa - and why Draco is alone. But I think my favorite bit of exposition was explaining about the sisters' time at Hogwarts - because it gives us more of a place when the story is taking place. In the first chapter, it could easily be that these girls don't have any idea where/what Draco is or who he was - now, there's the knowledge of a possible future meeting where there's a boy as WELL as a monster to reconcile with. And we know about the time period this is set in - which gives us a little more context.

The structure of this chapter is fine - a few spelling mistakes, and awkward sentences, but there was really nothing to take me out of the story much. There is only one thing that really confused me and I hope is more explained in further chapters - what's up with the books? Is it a throwback to the talking/moving furniture in the cartoon version...or are they going to play a bigger part in the story later on? Just curious...they kind of reminded me of a movie called Pagemasters...and it pulled me out just a teensy bit.

Author's Response: Broadwaykat,

I wanted Belle's initial glance at the beast to serve as the descprition you are looking for and it is coming in the next few chapters.

I hope to continue to develop the characters and time period. I'm glad I was able to help the readers understand the time period and the connection that belle has with Draco already.

It is hard to enchant a magical manor. I was trying to stick to the enchanted manor but I didn't want to steal it directly from Disney but I guess the books did work out so well.

Thanks for the review.

Meg


 Report Review

Review #10, by broadwaykatSay Goodnight, Little Wights: The Master

10th August 2013:
I think it was interesting to start this chapter off differently than the last one - Whereas the last one set up the idea of a story being told, this jumped into it right off the bat, with no distinction. It...was a little confusing at first. Just to put that in mind.

I do like what you're setting up though - bringing Harry And the Weasley's into this by bringing in the estrangement plot. The only thing I'm worried about is the start of some Weasley bashing. I can understand it in a story like this, but...still. I hope in some way they will be redeemed, if only because you have the Ron and Luna couple to establish - will they make an appearance now that Harry/Ginny was also established in the story and in the 'real world'.

Overall...the only thing that threw me out of this chapter was that, other than starting a bit differently than the last one, it felt a little rushed. Like you were passing over events that were happening over a few months in the matter of a few sentences. There's no problem with that - but with the first chapter, it seemed to set up taking more time with the development of the storytelling - Hermione and Draco's story was essentially set up in a night - or half a night. Then, in this chapter - the next day occured and - next thing you know we've gone through several more successful nights and we're on to a thriving business. You introduced the idea of Harry being the one to send the elves...It might have been interesting to see that part of the story within the story developed a little more. Like, is/does Ginny find out what Harry is doing? Does Ron? And where is/will be Luna?

Author's Response: I know this is a little confusing. And the way I started this chapter is confusing. Frankly, I was a little confused when I first wrote this down. But as you might know, there's more to the bedtime story than just simply a story. It IS rushed, and its done intentionally. Not because I want to finish this in some chapters but I have to set the Elves and the Shoemaker story first before I go in depth with the canon characters in the fantasy world. The purpose of this chapter after all is to introduce Harry more than anything. And I know the Weasley bashing can be hard for those who loves canon very much, but I have good explanation for that. I can certainly say that it really is logical. I'm trying to put different styles in this story after all.

And with regards to the other character, they'll have their exposure soon enough. I'm actually being really slow if you think about it because I'm introducing characters one-by-one. The events maybe rushed but I can assure you that there will be some more elaboration as the story goes.


 Report Review

Review #11, by broadwaykatThe Fall of the Town : The People of Hamlin

10th August 2013:
Wow! Firstly, I'd like to say that this story is really, REALLY good at putting you in a time and a place right from the get go. I think my favorite thing about this story so far is your description of the setting. It's like reading a historical fiction novel - it puts you there, and I honestly thought for a while that you weren't actually going to be introducing any characters. In fact, I would have been fine if you hadn't done that at all - just left us in a place and time and then introduce everything in the chapters to come. It was that engaging that you could have described the world in this chapter and left me sitting on the edge waiting to read more.

That being said though; the characters you did introduce! It's just enough to make you intrigued in them, without giving too much away. I love them - they don't seem to be perfect characters, or Mary Sues - they feel like they would be characters who would fit into a Harry Potter novel - if Harry Potter was written in the time of the founders. I don't read a lot of founder's fiction for the reason that they tend to turn into Lord of the Ring-feeling epic stories - but this feels just, like a pastoral story. It fits in the style of JK's original writing and has left me sitting here wishing there were already more chapters to read.

I think some of my favorite parts of this story, though, come when you describe characters we we sort of know from Canon - namely, the founders. Helga Hufflepuff is more than just the fluffy cuddly den mother, and Godric and Salazar are not written as bronze gods or paragorns of men - I love the way you've described them all. But I think what caught me most of all was a teensy description of little Helena Ravenclaw and her interactions with her mother - it just strikes me as written in such a way that you can see exactly how their bond might fall apart in the future, and it makes me feel sorry for her. In, like - two setences!

Thus far, you've done a good job of setting up the 'fairy tale' elements too. I'm a huge sucker for poetry, so I appreciated your folk poem in the beginning. I'm not QUITE sure yet who is the Piper in all of this - although I have a few guesses. But I have no doubt that it'll come about in a very interesting way! Look forward to reading the next chapters soon!

Author's Response: Hi there! :) I'm so sorry for taking so long to reply to this, but thank you for this amazing review, for the awesome challenge and for choosing this story as the winner!

I loved writing this story, and I had this image of how the town would be in my head that I really wanted to get across. I'm very glad you liked the setting and that it reminded you of a historical fiction novel, that's just what I was hoping to convey. It's very good to know you didn't find the descriptions boring at all and that they really enhanced the story.

Ah, I'm so pleased you like the characters so far! :) I'm very glad they don't seem too idealized, or Mary-Sues, since that's always a concern of mine. The term "pastoral story" seems just right for this, and maybe that's what I was self-consciously trying to get across: how the time of the Founders wasn't this fantastic, epic era, but a time in which both magical people and Muggles struggled and had both external and internal enemies to quietly confront.

I'm so happy you liked my take on the Founders! :) I quite enjoyed writing them and tried to add little quirks and details to stray from the stereotypes of them we tend to see. I think there would be a lot more to Hufflepuff than being this warm, constantly kind person all the time, and Gryffindor and Slytherin are far from perfect. The most interesting character for me was Ravenclaw: I loved writing Stephane's fascination with her but also his observations of how cold she is, and the interactions with her poor daughter. I'm so glad you found that little moment indicative of their future relationship, as I felt it was quite an important thing to mention as well and really showed what kind of woman and mother Ravenclaw could be.

With this story, I loved the prompt of taking a fairy tale and situating it in the wizarding world, and the Pied Piper is such a good one for this since it's kind of based on historical records and local lore as well as elements of the fantastic. The folk song was quite enjoyable to write - I hope to include a little exert in each chapter and maybe a surprise about the author in the last chapter if it fits! :)

The next chapter has just been added to the queue: it took way longer than I thought, but I just kept thinking of more and more characters and scenes to include! I hope you enjoy it, and thank you again for this wonderful review! :)


 Report Review

Review #12, by broadwaykatHandbook; Raising Roses: Cinderella; That's not how mummy tells it!

9th August 2013:
Hey! Here I am with my review for your challenge entry!

I really enjoyed how you incorporated this story into the magical world - not just with a 'easier' retelling of a magical tale, but also by incorporating aspects of the storyteller's character into it.

Ron is probably a character I see the most underutilized in a lot of fan fiction - don't know why, as I find the boy hilarious. Your depiction of him here was great - a little different, more grown up as a young father, but there's still a lot of his childishness and stubborn magical ways in there; like insisting to tell it the 'magical' version, and not the muggle one - because it didn't make sense. And, of course, the inclusion of food. Because certainly, in Ron's story, he's going to make sure that Cinderella certainly has a snack in there too. As well as other little touches, such as the references to the chess metaphor for their family home...and the Serious/Sirius versus Luna comparison.

The banter between him and Rose is cute; being a daughter, it brings back a lot of memories with my dad, and it was very believable. I like also how, while you bring Hugo and Hermione into it as well - they don't take over the story - you keep it as a moment between daughter and dad, without Hermione butting in to make points on the 'proper' story other than for telling him off for swearing. Ron's interactions with both his children were just precious - I particularly enjoyed the imagery of him picking up a tangled Hugo off the edge of the bed by the seat of his pants. Very Ron.

I think you did a brilliant job of adapting the fairy tale into the wizarding world - the wand angle instead of magical shoes was a good choice. And Ron makes a fair argument too - in a world full of witches why couldn't they just fix the shoe to fit them? End of story. I also love the Leprechaun. You kept everything that happened in the story to the magical world that we all know and love - there are the fantastical elements, but within the world of JK Rowling - these are very real rules. Also I love the callback to the Leprechaun because there is the emphasis on temporary magic - again, helping to make sense the feeling of urgency and limitation.

The only thing I would call attention to is your spelling: Sometimes you mix up a few words. For example there was a moment where " Cinderella found her filthy rags disappear and a beautiful dress GAME in it’s place." I think it's came. But it isn't all that distracting when it does happen, and it's totally understandable - trust me, I do it all the time. There's probably a few moments in this very review - I just point them out when I see 'em.

Overall, it was a very enjoyable story. Thanks for giving me a chance to read it!

Author's Response: And thank You very much for reviewing! (I had to make that a caption to emphasize the you).

You left a great review, pointing out the bits that you like, which I always love when people do that, because I learn what I do good an use it more often.
I know I always make mistakes and even after having a beta reading it en rereading it myself several times I can still find those errors. I don't know how it happens and I'm always grateful when people point them out so I can change them.

I loved the challenge you set up. As I told you it really is a challenge to my heart, I already had time theme in my head, having Ron tell a story and it's great to have had the chance to enter it. It was also great to get a story and try to work my way with it. That was a challenge, because I was thinking of other stories.

I love the world JK Rowling created and I will forever research the facts and things of it, trying to make my stories into worthy stories for her world. I also love to bring as much magic into them as possible. That just so much fun! Also, overall I love Ron's character, he's so much fun. He's going to be a big part of this short story collection.

Thank you for all the compliments and good luck with choosing a winner for you challenge!

Maya


 Report Review

Review #13, by broadwaykatThrough the Doll's Eyes: Of Dolls and Deeds

16th July 2013:
Gah - you certainly know how to hook a reader, m'dear.

This, so far - I think, is my favorite chapter - for many reasons. One - we get another look at Dumbledore - who, again, I must compliment on how well you write. It's astounding. I havn't read good ol' Dumbledore in ages, and this just makes me wish that we got to see more of him.

Also, I think "brevity, my eternal nemesis.” Is like a personal motto now. You write him phenomenally.

I like how, in the story, you break it up between two different modes of telling - the second chapter was more 'fairy tale' like - of being told the story - and now this is the breaking down of the aspects in the story. You've made Vasilia's doll a wicked object that would certainly fit in the wizarding world - and it just seem so real that I could TOTALLY see this happening in the books - which is brilliant.

Also - Yay! We get to hear Grufflin contribute some knowledge. The more I read this story, the more it reads like a cross between a Harry Potter book, a fairy tale, and The Exorcist - this is just brilliant. I can't wait until you get the rest of the chapter up, and I'm glad to see that you're getting some enjoyment out of writing this story - or at least I hope you are, as I am really intrigued by what you're doing with it so far!

Author's Response: Chapter 4 is in the queue, and the fifth one is almost finished.

I struggled and tripped all over chapter three while I was writing it, and I don't know why. Sometimes I think stories just throw little hurdles at us so that we can be grateful for the easier parts.

It was such a joy to write Dumbledore and Grufflin here, and I really like explaining things from multiple points of view. The different styles was a happy accident I ended up deciding to go with, and the doll, I think, was evil from day one. I am glad you think that it would fit in HP, because that is what I strive for in fanfic. I generally always write canon and I always want to be true to it when I write.

You've mentioned the Exorcist twice, and its funny that I hadn't considered it as an influence even though it obviously is. There is so much I want to do with this story and I just hope 5 chapters sees it through.

So much more to come. Thanks for the R&R

Ken


 Report Review

Review #14, by broadwaykatThrough the Doll's Eyes: A Special Gift

16th July 2013:
Oh, why did you have to go and leave it there! I was getting into it, and for some reason, this chapter end's so abruptly. It's not even a true cliffhanger. Although, I suppose I was waiting for the chapter to end with the news of the mother's death, so that may be a reason why it seems to end so quickly.

This is a great introduction to the story - and a great fleshing out of a part which, in the original tale, was about two or three paragraphs long. Again, you helped to bring more sense to this story - as I was wondering where or how or if Vasilia was coming into the story as a name - and indeed it does. So this is our poor victim from the first chapter. Interesting.

The trope of a dying mother in a fairy tale - we hear this so much and yet it is never elaborated on. Now, here we have it fleshed out - and with such great little detail. This chapter feels both like a story being told - as it would be from Dumbledore's perspective, and Camilda's. I think, in particular, there is a moment where it is talked about the parade of doctors - which sounds like such a bleak thing and such a throwaway line - but you add in little tidbits to it, such as the comment about how Camilda laughs about their accents or can't hope to remember their titles - this is what turns it from a simple story to one also partly from a child's perspective - and the outcome is very interesting indeed.

Once again, I am left with wanting to read more.

Author's Response: I stressed long and hard over the ending for this chapter and actually went through several versions before choosing the one I went with. I ended up leaving it there because I thought it flowed well into the next chapter where I had planned to talk more at length about the doll. I hope it worked, as I haven't really had time to reread it to know.

Vasilisa is definitely in our story, and in more ways than one. I really wanted to layer this character into the story bit by bit because there is so much more to her here than in the fairy tale.

I wrote this chapter in a mixture between Camilda and Dumbledore's perspectives, as you have guessed. I picture it as him describing something he saw in the pensieve, but with a bit more feeling involved. I absolutely wanted to capture the thoughts and influence of a fun and loving child and I was ultimately happy with how it turned out.

Thanks for the R&R

Ken


 Report Review

Review #15, by broadwaykatThrough the Doll's Eyes: The Housecall

16th July 2013:
I have to say - this chapter really pulls me into the story. It doesn't feel like a fairy tale world; it's the wizarding world, pure and simple - and I can't wait until we get into the actual story.

So far though, I love the set up - for some reason, it reminds me of a sort of exorcism story - but it's the magical world's equivalent. Trust me, if the muggle ones are intriguing enough...the vibes for this are going to be through the roof. The structure pulls the readers in, and we havn't gotten to the 'real' story yet - but it puts us right in the middle of a time, and a place; and I'm hooked.

Next, let me compliment your characterization of the only canon character thus far - Dumbledore is spot on! And personally, I find Dumbledore one of the hardest characters to get right - just enough whimsy to make him the professor we remember from the first books, but with the stoicism that we see him with in the later books, particularly the sixth - which, judging by his withered hand, we are obviously nearing. I think my favorite comment in the story so far was the back and forth between the Victus and him - brilliant. I take my hat off to you for getting him spot on and not writing him as either too 'out there' or a secretly evil, controlling old coot.

This brings me to the OC's you have so far. Although we only really get to read into the psyche of Victus so far - I love all the names and the apparent personalities. They SOUND like Harry Potter characters! It's not Mandy Bob or Harmony Jones - althought there's nothing wrong with those names. You have the JK 'feel' of the characters - the names fit them. I think thus far my particular favorite is Grufflin Grizzlemar - But healer Victus Vulnerable is my close second.

I think the biggest praise I can give for this prologue of a chapter is that it's set me up to want to read more. Immediately. As in I can't stop reading - and I think that's the praise any good story should go after. Brava!

Author's Response: I am glad you enjoyed it.

I have had a lot of fun thinking on this thing and working through it, but some of it's been a real chore. I love Dumbledore, because he is such the quintessential good guy, with all the failing and regret that go along with that. He is so much fun to write, and this is really the first time that I've gotten to do that.

Venerable is another favorite, and he makes a few appearances in my Cada Flynn story where you get to see him more in his healer role. I've never really gotten the opportunity to explore him more, and I am happy to say that I like what I found in him.

Grufflin! Well he is one of my absolute favorite OCs. He is part pirate swashbuckler, part mythic warrior, part expert with just enough kid in him to make him undendingly fun. He is also in my Cada story and is going to have a huge part there simply because I really enjoy writing him.

This chapter was easy to write, like most prologues because there's no pressure. I am so glad that it caught your interest, because that's its job.

I hope you enjoy the rest.

Ken


 Report Review

Review #16, by broadwaykatFreeze: Frigida

15th July 2013:
Hello! Sorry this took me longer than expected to get back and review, but here goes.

First off - let me say kudos for taking on a lesser known story from the fairy tales list! It's sometimes easier I think for people to take stuff they've seen adapted loads of times, but this is something off the usual charts and I can't wait to see how you interpret it.

In this chapter alone, I see that you've brought up some interesting parallels with that and the wizarding world. This is what I wanted to see in the stories - those tentative connections between things. I do like the connection with the Mirrors - Erised and Phobos being connected and being literal reflections of each other seems like a particularly interesting idea - and a great blend of the original mirror in the story, as well as something from the Potter canon. I think that was particularly neat. I also like the character that you've picked as the OC so far - although I might assume there will be a few more. Frigida sounds like both a cold name and a sort of wizarding-scandanavian name mixed in there. It's certainly creative. Lastly, drawing the parallel between Santa Claus and the Snow Queen. Not only did it bring an interesting mythos to the original story, but it also gave me a bit of a Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe Vibe. Good show.

Structurally...it's a little hard to read in places. Just because of your story spacing. In dialogue, there doesn't seem to be much division and it seems more lumped together than other, descriptive paragraph sections. It's a little thing, but it does help a lot when you're reading something - gives the story a bit of flow. From my perspective, reading something so close together speeds the story up unnecessarily.

Also, there are moments where the verbs or adjectives seem...out of place. They can fit in the sentence, but there are just different choices that could help things move a bit better. Pointing out a specific example: "I had never seen a real flower outside of those herbology textbooks." While "Those" does...fit...brings up questions - like WHAT Herbology book. It seems to be referencing a specific type of book, and just seems wonky in context - whereas you could put the same idea in an easier context by saying. "I had never seen a real flower outside of a Herbology Textbook." There. It's more generalized and it gets the same idea across.

This story seems like it'll be going in interesting places, and I can't wait to read more of it. Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for all the awesome feedback you've given me! I will be sure to incorporate into the chapter as soon as possible. I was unable to publish a second chapter in time for the challenge, which I am very sorry about. Nevertheless, I'd like to say that I really enjoyed this challenge. Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to write an adaptation of such a beautiful story.

Many thanks for the great review :)


 Report Review

Review #17, by broadwaykatLoopy: Loopy

9th July 2013:
I seriously love this. It is brilliant and cute and by far the best send up of Harry Potter Slash Twilight I have ever heard. I think it's adorable - a great idea for a parody and it had me laughing several times. Particularly in the last bits - with cute little throwaway lines about what happened to the Potter's and the Hermione/Draco phenomenon and all that stuff. It had me giggling and was totally adorable.

My only suggestion would be to watch some of your sentences and phrasings. While they were never enough to take you out of the story I found one or two moments where a sentence would sound a little turned around, or perhaps the wrong tense of a word would be used. But we're all guilty of that from time to time - so it can hardly be blamed.

I think my favorite part would be that you didn't use oc to make up the 'Bella' character. As vampiric as everyone always compared Lucius too, for some reason I never looked to Narcissa as being the Bella counterpart, and it gave me a good laugh when, halfway through the story I realized that's who she was sort-of standing in for.

Author's Response: Hi! So first of all thank you so much for being the first reviewer on this story, and for taking the time to leave such a thoughtful one. It really made my day and was so exciting to receive!

I'm really glad you liked the story as I had no idea what other people would think of it. I pretty much tied in every ridiculous idea I could think of, and the Twilight storyline just had to be included. It's great that the Narcissa-Bella comparison surprised you: I really wanted to make it work while being a little silly and unbelievable.

Ah, I am definitely guilty of run-on sentences and being a little wordy. Thank you for your feedback, and I'll definitely re-visit it soon! :)

I'm also pleased you liked the little details, about Dramiones (again, another parody necessity!). I quite enjoyed tying in the almost-relevant details, and I'm so pleased you appreciated them. :P Thank you so much for this review! :D


 Report Review

Review #18, by broadwaykatShot in the Dark: Shot in the Dark

19th June 2013:
God - I just really love how you set up the world of your stories.

I have to say that Colin's death was one of the worst that hit me in the last book - and I couldn't say why. I can't even say I particularly liked him as a character. But I think the way you have written him, which feel so terribly right, goes a long way in explaining that.

I love this - I just, I do. It's a brilliant shot from the life of someone else in the battle - and I think it's a testament to exactly how hectic and horrible that night was, and all the other people around it. I couldn't even begin to count and go back and see if the number of photos he takes matches up to forty-eight, but I'm going to assume that it certainly does, and I think that was a hugely ambitious idea you had that you pulled off with such an amazingly simple yet unique framing device - show forty-eight different snap shots from the battle of Hogwarts.

I read this twice through to make sure I got everything, and by the end of the second time through, I just have to say - Colin is perfect. He isn't the annoying 12 year old anymore, but he isn't a stoic warrior who goes down in the battle fighting. He's a teenage boy - and it is so perfect and heartbreaking and in character that it is crazy and made me cry all over again for a background character who I knew died about six years ago.

Some of your lines in this story are wonderful, but if I had to pick one which I think sums up this entire story, the character, even this section of the Harry Potter series, is this: Never had it been so clear to Colin that Dumbledore’s Army had been a ragtag group of enthusiastic, underage wizards, and these were ruthless, fully qualified wizards with far more fighting experience. So MANY times I read alternative stories where Dumbledore's Army or the Order or a group just acts like GODS who can do no wrong and can battle full grown adults or twenty-to-one odds with aplomb. This story makes that so not true and yet so true to the messages that JK was giving us in the original work that there's nothing I can say about this story except that it is utterly brilliant.

 Report Review

Review #19, by broadwaykatAfrican Violets: How it Happened

19th June 2013:
The men from the Ministry come on the second day after his funeral. - You have a wonderful way of drawing people immediately into your stories, do you know that. You manage to basically sum up the entire story in one sentence, that immediately catches the reader's eye. I think this is why it's taken me so long to get my butt in gear and get to reading this - I just wanted to make sure I could invest everything I have into reading this.

I think, personally, it's brilliant and haunting and my gosh, you can see that there was a whole lot of effort put into writing this piece. I have to say that I think my favorite parts is that the entire thing remains shroweded in atmosphere - all of the surroundings, and your descriptions, are characters unto themselves.

There are too many little throw-away lines that make this story almost heartbreaking to read. I don't think you ever came out and said the word 'love' once...but it dripped in every moment of this story - the loss of a love one, the trials and attempts to move on. It it haunting and beautiful and I know I've said those words at least once before, but it's absolutely true. Brava!

 Report Review

Review #20, by broadwaykatSay Goodnight, Little Wights: The Little Wights

19th June 2013:
I guess I'll start off with this, even though it might get me crucified; I'm not exactly a fan of the Hermione/Draco pairing. That being said, so far I think this story is doing a good job of making them a viable couple in the context of the 'fantasy' story.

For one, at first I was reading along and thinking 'why is Draco working as a shoemaker' - but you explained that away pretty good, and I actually found myself enjoying those explanations. I look forwards to possibly seeing a little more of Draco and Hermione's actual interactions in the 'real world' section of the story - even if it's a hint.

I must say you're quite good at banter between Jean and Richard, as well as Winky and Dobby, and even Jean and Lily. Everyone seems to have a proper place, and isn't too much out of character.

Also, it's a very easy read - you come in right in the middle of action and yet it's not like we've left out of much of the loop. You have a strong sense of place, with both of the stories.

That being said, if I might be a little nit-picky...since this is a different second-generation timeline, who's kids are what? I made the assumption while reading that Ginny/Harry have James, Albus and Lily...but with the Luna/Ron and Draco/Hermione pairing, who's is who's. I'm assuming Scorpius is D/H's...but is Rose and Hugo as well? And is Leo and Lyra R/L's? That might get clarified in later chapters, but.I figured I'd ask anyways.

Also; um, just something I noticed. Most of the story is perfectly fine with it's wording, so it was easier to spot where there was a bit of a hiccup, which I'll point out here:

Although she was a free elf now- which was something she sometimes think as her ultimate punishment- Winky worried that every wrong move must be punished physically.

The tense here is a little off - in the "Which was something she sometimes think as..." It would probably sound a bit cleaner if you substituted Think with thought. Yes, it's usually a past tense word, but in this case, while she still can 'think' it, in the structure of the sentence I think thought would be a better fit grammatically.

That being said - this was really enjoyable! I look forward to the future chapters!

Author's Response: Thank you for the review. I'm really glad that somehow its believable considering the fantasy world. I'm thinking of the "real" world interaction yes, and let's hope I can figure out how to put that one it. :)

And I'm not very good in writing second gen. As much as possible, I don't write them at all. Or if I do, they're older, wiser. But its fun writing Lily. She's very sweet in my mind and I love writing her. I'm totally glad that this worked for you.

And I was sure you'd notice that hiccup. I'm in the process of finding a beta reader, or editing it out myself. But I'm super lazy right now. Haha. I'll get to that soon. I'll be back sooner than you might think. :D Thanks!


 Report Review

Review #21, by broadwaykatHe Hunts Me Now: He Hunts Me Now

19th June 2013:
Wow. I have to say - this was not what I expected when I sat down expecting to read a story based on the Three Little Pigs. But I can't say I hate it - because it was dark and intriguing and frankly, gave me chills.

First off - kudos to you for actually going with this story as you challenge piece. I felt iffy giving the challenge, leaving the animal stories in. I don't/didn't know how anyone would interpret them - but frankly, this was so eerie and similar that you managed to keep the ideas of being 'pigs and wolves' without turning them fully human or fully animal. I think this best stands out in your analogy of the frightened 'piglets' and the hungry wolf - and frankly either way I thought of someone adapting this story it included one without the other - and somehow you managed to make it so similar and yet so different that I just have to take off my hat to you. And I hope that made a lick of sense.

Secondly, you chose some really interesting ways to blend the magical world elements with the fairy tale itself. Of course the use of a predatory werewolf as the wolf wolf was great, as was the idea of a personal vendetta against this family. That was something that never really made sense to me in the original story, but in this - hey, fine, perfectly understandable. But I think the better touches were the small, almost throwaway lines - like how the 'stupidest' brother figured he could make a house of straw and just reinforce it with charms. That makes perfect, logical sense! And the different deaths...burning alive, suffocation.chilling. It really is.

At first, I wasn't too sure about the ending, the prey becoming the predator. But then I remembered that that is really apart of the story too. In the end, the pig gets revenge and drives the wolf away.

However, I think what I like about this story the most is the darkness and maturity of the subject manner. This story, as a kids story, is such a silly premise with really, really dark potential. And this is a 'real' noire kind of story. You weren't afraid to kill off your characters - which, let's face it, they're facing a werewolf that is not an easily livable task.

While I like how you kept everything in first person and anonymous, I think that's the only things that leaves me wanting - I want to know who these people are, were, and why they were targeted. At the start of this I honestly thought it was Greyback, but at the end the surviving brother might have been him, or someone completely different. I want to read the further adventures of this werewolf who has learned to kill or be killed. I want to see history repeat itself and I want to know who these people are. Of course, that's not exactly a bad thing - it's good to leave your readers on the edge of their seats and wanting more - which is exactly what you've done here. Brava.

Author's Response: Hi! Thanks for the review!
Yeah, I wanted to make this a slightly darker one, and then it got to this level dark. Don't ask me what happened, because I don't know. I may have mental problems that choose to show themselves through my writing, but oh well. Having mental problems is fun!
I really liked having this story, because it gave me a chance to explore an anonymous person's view. I made it anonymous because a) I wanted to try it out, since all my other stories have a definite character, and b) I didn't want to stick a certain character name into my story. It felt like it corrupted the story by giving the characters names.
I'm glad I managed to pull it off without it being corny or overly dark, and I'm happy that I managed to have a good level of suspense. Thank you!
Cheers, Phoenix Quill :D


 Report Review

Review #22, by broadwaykatLiving with the Beast: The curse.

19th June 2013:
Hey, so it's a little late, but here's my review as promised.

I would like to start off by saying: Yay! Someone who's gone back and looked at the original, originals - not the slightly doctors modern versions that leave out the fact that Belle has SISTERS! You know, sometimes that's my favorite part of the stories - and it set's up an important characteristic of Belle (or Isabelle). It let's us know not only is she appreciative of natural beauty, but she's not as superficial than other girls we meet. It makes her more admirable on her basis of personality, and it's not just a rehashing of 'she's our heroine because she's the most beautiful girl in the world'.

Keeping on the subject of Belle, I really like how you've gone with an OC rather than pick up someone else from the canon of the story and dropped them in there. I know that some people might have used a story as an excuse to promote one of their favorite ships - such as Astoria/Draco or Hermione/Draco or what have you - but with Belle and her family included it opens up the world - gives us more of a sense that 'hey, there's more of a world than these...45 or so families we are introduced to in canon'. And the way you place the Bridges in Wizarding society not only gives us a bigger feeling of the world, but a feel for the time period and the aftereffects of a wizarding world.

You have a really good feel for describing people; my only suggestion (a tiny one) is that sometimes it is perfect and worked into an organic paragraph and at other times it feels the tiniest bit forced. For example, your description of the old witch was really eye catching - it fit in with the narrative of the story and flowed easily. Later on, when you describe all of the Bridge's sisters, however, it becomes a little cluttered, and it becomes less of a comment and more of a list: they were like this, and this and this. It's not quite that dramatic - and it's not even bad. But it's something I noticed and thought I'd point out.

You are really good at setting place in this world, and blending the fantastical elements with the 'realities' of the wizarding world, which really was what I was looking for with the challenge. If I am bold enough to nit-pick, might I suggest a bit of proofreading, which I know you said you were working on.

Also, a little extra exposition wouldn't have been bad in the Draco section of this chapter. You explain to us about the Bridge's current lot in life, but what about him? Why is he living on his own? Where is his mom and dad? What has the war done to him in this timeline? Even the curse itself could have used a little bit of...explanation. To me, it sounds like he knew what it was - how? That would be interesting to know - and of course, I'm making these assumptions on this being the first chapter, but I'd be curious to see if you ever get to that in later chapters.

Overall, I'm impressed; for a short prologue chapter you've managed to outline the beginnings of the conflict for both of the characters, one of which who needed to be introduced to an audience who didn't know who she was at all. You've fleshed out a bit more of the wizarding world, and tied it in with the fairy tale elements of the story which frankly blend wonderfully with the idea. I look forward to future reading!

Author's Response: Broadwaykat,

I apologize for the length of time it has taken me to respond. This was an excellent review and I wanted to respond to the whole thing.

Yes, I did a little research on the original story before I wrote it. I was shocked to see that Belle had sisters. I had only ever seen the Disney version. I think Belle should be more than just a pretty face and I'm glad you picked up on that.

Honestly, my first reaction was to put Hermione in as Belle because I'm a huge Dramione shipper but the research I did to the storyline and where I wanted to go with this story, I knew Hermione wasn't the right fit. I haven't ever written an OC as a main character before and I'm excited at all the possibilities.

It was hard to flow on the description of the sisters but I will work on it. Thank you for pointing that out.

It was a fine line between the older times of the original setting and the setting I was trying to put this story in as it is set post war. I'm glad that the time period is working.

I plen on revelaing more was the chapter progress and the more that Belle will learn from the Beast as they connect. I'll make sure to hit all these points in the next few chapters.

I'm glad you like the story so far. thank you fo rthe great and indepth review.

Meg


 Report Review

Review #23, by broadwaykatDancing Lessons: Dancing Lessons.

11th April 2013:
This is utterly adorable. It's been a long time since I saw the first AVPM, and honestly, I've never looked at their Quirrelmort pairings as more than an off joke - but this. This was sweet, and believable and - it is just adorable.

Plus - King and I. You can't go wrong with that.

But seriously, from what I DO remember from AVPM, I think your characterization of both characters is just perfect. You're a great writer for these little snapshot moments, and this is no exception. Plus, there seem to be a lot of little throwaway lines in this that made me giggle.

Also - you didn't even need to use the word love - which I don't think would have worked for this relationship at this point anyways. It's a schoolboy crush scenario, and it's just...lovely.

 Report Review

Review #24, by broadwaykatThe Dragon Slayer's Story: The Dragonslayer's Story

11th April 2013:
I love this - I love reading about tying British myth and lore into the magical world. And this story was just...wow. It was perfect. I love the characterization of your main character, and the narrative style. It's all very unique, very different - and very fun to read. I though at first it was the head of the headless hunt (no pun intended) talking at first - but...wow.

I enjoyed the incorporation of lore we got in the books too - about the Unicorn blood, and the slaying of the unicorn. Perhaps the one thing I miss or regret about this story is we don't really get to see what happens to George once he has tasted the blood - what would his 'half life' be interpreted as.

I am in serious awe of your writing style, so far, I've read several of your stories, and they all seem to take on different, interesting ideas about broadening the magical world, and not just with the characters we already know and love. It's so much fun getting to read them all.

 Report Review

Review #25, by broadwaykatHepzibah's Inheritance: Sundays at Nana's

11th April 2013:
You seem to have a special gift for taking characters on the edges of the book canon and fleshing them out until you want to meet them, or could just picture them. As a Hufflepuff, I loved this story, and your interpretation of Hepzibah was great and wonderful. I love how we got a glimpse of her as a little girl - I could totally picture this chubby little Shirley Temple of a girl. It was adorable - and yet, at the same time...her poor mother.

I also like the powers that you envoked with the cup. Seeing as it is an artifact belonging to Helga Hufflepuff, it fits what she stands for, and what she loves, to a tee. There is such a strong friendship bond connected to Hufflepuff house, as far as loyalty goes - but there is family loyalty, and the friendship loyalty. I like the idea that a lot of the magic would have to do with mother-daughter relationships - it makes it doubly horrific and perverted that Tom would then get a hold of it, seeing as he never got to be anywhere near his own mother - even if it wouldn't have worked for him anyways being a man. Loved this story - great work!

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>