Reading Reviews From Member: babewithbrains
  
13 Reviews Found

Review #1, by babewithbrainsSummer Solstice: Summer Solstice

13th March 2012:
Oh wow, this was lovely! You've got some beautiful turns of phrase here; this one is my favourite: "We both wordlessly watch as a shower of white flower petals gently cascade like fallen snow, occasionally being swept away by the sudden breeze or else gently fading to ash before reaching the soft vibrating soil of Mother Earth."

Simply lovely. And what a wonderful pairing, too. There aren't enough Rowena/Helga stories out there. (I've written one too, if you're interested -- it's called The Caustic Ticking of the Clock; just click on my author page and you'll find it there :)) You really got into Helga's head so well, and her voice was pulled off brilliantly.

The only thing I can pull you up on, and it's entirely stylistic/grammar related. When you have dialogue and a dialogue tag, you don't have to capitalise the dialogue tag. For example --

"Turn around," She says.

It should be

"Turn around," she says.

The "she" isn't supposed to be capitalised. It's only when the dialogue tag begins with a proper noun (i.e. a name, so if, say, it was 'Rowena said') that you would capitalise it. Otherwise, it should be in lowercase.

But that is a very minor nitpick. This was a gorgeous story, and I thoroughly enjoyed it :)

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Review #2, by babewithbrainsStolen Moments.: Stolen Moments

13th March 2012:
Oh wow, this was fab :) I'm not always a huge fan of first person, but you pulled it off beautifully here, and you really got into Fred's voice -- not an easy feat considering he's dead, lol.

It took me a while to figure out teh pairing, but I definitely liked it when I worked it out. So well done! I'm headed out of the door, so I wish this review was longer, but I've really got to go -- congrats on your first fic!

~Soraya~

Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it!
It's the first time I've ever written in first person in that way, and it shocked even myself with how well it came out.
Thank you for the review, it means tons!


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Review #3, by babewithbrainsIvory: Ivory

16th October 2011:
Wow, I thought this was fantastic. It was really beautifully written (lol, no pun intended) and once again, you took a rather random rarepair and made it believable. This, I think, is the mark of a good writer, and you are certainly that.

You really have a way with words and imagery and metaphors and I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. It's not often I find good stories on HPFF -- I mean, I always have to sift through the bad stuff on here -- but you are amongst the best, I think.

You said in your review response that you'd never written/read femmeslash before, that Glass was your first time... I'd love to read more femmeslash from you because that's definitely something I would read. Well done :)

~Soraya~

Author's Response: Maybe one day I will write more femmeslash, we'll have to see :)

thank you for the wonderful review!


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Review #4, by babewithbrainsGlass: Glass

16th October 2011:
My word, this is amazing! I loved the imagery and the powerful choice of words here. It really emphasised the sexiness of it, without being too overt or crass or anything. And kudos to you for taking on such a tough rarepair! A job well done, truly, and congrats on that Dobby :)

~Soraya~

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm a bit stunned actually, but I'm so happy that so many people supported me. I wrote this as a bit of an experiment - I'd never read or written any femmeslash before and I wanted to write something different. I don't like crass stuff, I usually avoid all overly descriptive love stuff, but I did try to make this a little darker to help with that. Thank you once again for the review :)

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Review #5, by babewithbrainsMalfoy's Worst Memory: The Amazing Bouncing Ferret

25th September 2011:
This was really funny! One thing that I find is heavily overused in fanfic is indeed the ferret thing, but you kept it in its context nicely and stayed in the realms of in-character humour. I particularly liked the last sentence said by Hagrid.

I see you've responded to my review. Hmm. If dialogue punctuation is done the other way, I'm afraid it's wrong. Never have I seen dialogue punctuation done this way in a book. You probably have seen it in some of the other stories on this site.

I'm saying this from experience -- HPFF are quite lax grammar wise anyway, but MuggleNet FanFiction is a lot stricter on grammar, and I once submitted something with incorrect dialogue punctuation, like how you have formatted it, and it was rejected. Just Google "dialogue punctuation" and it should help. Google's brilliant for grammar -- just not for celebrity gossip, LOL.

I don't often know what I'm talking about but when it comes to grammar, I usually do. I know what you mean about staying consistent, but that's when something is correct.

Sorry, I'm a bit of a grammar Nazi so excuse the rambling. I hope I'm not being negative here. Point is, your stories are very good, only the slip-ups in dialogue punctuation distract me a little.

Oh, I just wanted to add that when you're *not* using a "saying" word like "said", it's better to use a full stop/period instead of a comma. Parts like this:

“Of course, sir.” Draco nodded, shifting his bag as he felt his arm begin to cramp up.

Well, anyway, you've left me two reviews, and I've left you two, so now we're even! :P

~Soraya~

Author's Response: Hey again :)

I appreciate you coming by to review this story, and I'm glad you liked it, but it bums me out a little bit that you spent almost the entire review arguing with me about grammar. I don't feel that the sentence thing is enough to distract someone from the quality of a story, unlike some other grammar mistakes. I think we'll just have to agree to disagree on this point. Anyway, I do appreciate you coming by to review. I'm always flattered when someone reads my work!

Amanda


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Review #6, by babewithbrainsA Damsel Distressed: The House So Much Like Home

25th September 2011:
Hi there!

You've left me two lovely reviews so I thought it was about time I returned the favour :)

This was interesting. I love Narcissa and Andromeda as characters and I think you gave them a lot of depth. I also thought it was very romantic and I loved Lucius in this.

I would have liked more background information on Andromeda, though I understand that since it's from Narcissa's POV, perhaps she isn't as concerned. I just thought it was slightly abrupt, the way Andromeda was told Yaxley wanted to go out with her and then she just upped and left. I seem to want to read more a lot, though, so maybe it's just my personal preference :)

I definitely thought the way Lucius and Narcissa were courting each other was quite realistic and sweet. The only other quibble I have is a grammar one -- dialogue punctuation. I'll give you an example.

'Yes.' He admitted.

Now, this is incorrect because after dialogue, if you have a "saying" word such as "admitted" or "said" or another word that describes how the dialogue is said, there should be a comma after the "yes", not a full stop/period. Then, the "he" won't be capitalised. I just noticed that this error kept popping up so just bear that in mind in the future, because it was one thing that was a little distracting.

But overall, I really liked this piece, and I thought it was an excellent exploration of what could have happened when Andromeda left her family. I rarely read Lucius/Narcissa but this was done very well.

~Soraya~

Author's Response: Hey there! It's so thoughtful of you to stop by and leave me a review, and I'm glad my reviews are so helpful for you.

I suppose I'll deal with the critique first. As far as Andromeda, I like her character too, and it would be nice to go more in depth. However, Narcissa was the main focus of this story, so I wanted to spend more time dealing with her feelings as opposed to talking directly about Andromeda. Also, I tried to give the impression that Andromeda was fed up with her mother's treatment of her, Yaxley being the last straw, based on our knowledge of her relationship with her family in canon. Perhaps I should have spent a little more time developing that, though.

As for your grammar comment, I've honestly seen it done both ways. This is how I've always done it, and if you read any other stories of mine, it'll be there, too. I guess I just don't think about it much while writing, as I'm more focused on adding imagery and developing characters, and it doesn't tend to bother me in other people's stories. But you make a valid point, one that another reviewer of mine has mentioned, and so I'll definitely think about trying to work on it in future stories.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, especially since you don't usually read much of this pairing. It was just meant to be sort of fluffy and sweet, and it seems like that worked for you, which is great!

Thanks so much for your lovely review :)

Amanda


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Review #7, by babewithbrainsFake Girlfriend: I'm dating..........

20th August 2011:
Seriously? Is that the best you can do? Add snarky comments to your author's notes (a title which, in my opinion, is one you do not deserve, given how many errors and problems with your style and plot) and say "who needs those readers"? Well, let me tell you now, darling. The only person losing out here is you. If you want to be a writer, a proper writer, then you need to learn how to take constructive criticism and respond to it in a mature manner. For a start, why not actually have the guts to respond to my review?

I previously said in a review that your story has potential. Well, I think I've changed my mind. Dramione has never appealed to me, as a matter of fact, and this one really is filled to the brim with cliches, bad characterisation, Americanisms, and -- above all -- spelling and grammar errors. Just because people tell you it's good doesn't mean it actually is. So instead of behaving childishly about what really is quite a simple matter, why not do the mature thing and take my advice (and Aimee's) on board? It is very, very possible for you to find a beta. And it has become impossible for you to have this many errors in a document and not have Microsoft Word indicate that they are, indeeed, mistakes.

So. If you want people to take you seriously, and not think that a ten-year-old wrote this, I advise that you get a beta. Preferably an experienced one, and one that can help you along the way with the basics of spelling, grammar, punctuation and characterisation. And perhaps they will also be able to assist with the plot, since that is also something very weak at the moment.

Please remember that I am not criticising your story because I like criticising them. If I wanted to do that, I could have easily said that your story looks like it's been written by a five-year-old and left it at that. Instead, I have explained exactly where you have gone wrong, given very valid points, and I really, really hope you at least learn something after reading my review. I only am a humble writer, and I just want to help other writers along the way.

Author's Response: Look let me put this sweetly, if you don't like my story stop reading it! Okay it doesn't matter if only one person reads it and likes it or if one thousand people read it and hate it! If you don't like it don't read it! And if you are critcising other people's work I hope that if I read one of your stories (but I don't want to put myself through that torture) , then there shouldn't be even one mistake. And usually I'd be kind and laugh off and agree with my grammer errors when people review about them but, you are taking it too seriously. This is fanfiction, not an actual published book! I take my writting seriously and sometimes as I've explained before I get so caught up in the writting I completly loose my attention on the grammar but, in the story itself. If you don't like that I'm sorry. I suggest you don't read it.

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Review #8, by babewithbrainsFake Girlfriend: Malfoy's Don't Beg

6th May 2011:
I'm sorry, but I've got to review this just to tell you how much you need to improve on your grammar. Your story has potential. But I honestly think that when it comes to grammar and spelling -- particularly canon spellings like "Weasley" which you spelt "Weasly" in the previous chapter -- that you can't go wrong with Google. So please, don't take it offensively when I tell you that you seriously need to work on spelling and grammar.

I'm surprised these chapters have even been validated on here -- to be perfectly honest, the amount of errors in your story are horrendous. Simply a spell check would eliminate some of them, although of course, a spell check can't always be relied on for complete accuracy. And it's a real shame that you respond rudely to anyone who is offering you CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, because I'm 100% sure that none of them wanted to offend you. Instead of doing that, why not listen to their advice? Take it from me, a fellow teenager (I'm guessing you're a teenager, because someone in their twenties or older would certainly not write like that) who has as much to learn about writing as you do.

And please understand that no one is trying to patronise you when they're saying that your grammar and spelling and punctuation need improving. If you want to write, you've got to do it properly. Thanks for your time and I really do hope that you don't take it offensively, because I can assure you that that was not my intention at all, and I simply want to help you. I'm sure there are tutorials on HPFF Forums that can assist you, or you could get a beta (or two). I know you said that you can't always catch errors, and that's okay. But ask someone else to do it for you and then they can help you with characterisation as well as spelling and grammar and punctuation, and you can learn along the way. Like I said, the last thing I want to do is patronise you so please, please don't take this the wrong way.

~Soraya~

Author's Response: Spell-check is what makes my canon names misspelled. and for the record you spelled three words wrong. Added an extra comma and forgot a period. F*** that.

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Review #9, by babewithbrainsUnconscious : Unconscious

2nd May 2011:
After you left me such a wonderful review on my not-much-reviewed WIP, I thought I owed you one in return. So here it is!

I really liked this. The freshness of the pairing, Alicia/Oliver as opposed to Katie/Oliver, was a refreshing change and while not unique, it was definitely un-clichéd, and I commend you for that. The beginning was very well written, and St. Mungo's was carefully described in an accurate way that was true to the books. I loved the (sometimes) annoying curtness of the Welcome Witch as well.

When Alicia arrived at Oliver's ward, I have to say, I was wondering what was wrong with him, and I think I'm simply more confused than Alicia was, because I don't really understand why Oliver was calling her "Alusha". Did he have amnesia or brain damage or something? That was the only thing I was a little iffy on, and I think it would've been okay if you just clarified this a little, for the benefit of the reader. But overall, this was a lovely piece, and my only suggestion for improvement is to make it a little longer, so it has a bit more plot and is therefore more engaging as a piece. Well done and keep it up!

~Soraya~

Author's Response: Well shucks! You didn't have to do that fer lil' ol' me!
I know this should have been ten times longer, but it was my first oneshot and I kinda rushed it - sorry!
And about the whole 'Alusha' thing, I'm sorry if that confused. I really should go back and clarify that, but just so it's easier to understand, Oliver was hundreds of feet up in the air when a Bludger (which is no light object) hit him right round the head. He then fell from his broom, which really didn't help the situation. And when Alicia visits him, he's still (as the title says) unconscious, and not too aware of anything. However, in his mind, though he's in something like a mini-coma, he's thinking of someone - Alicia! I know, I know, I'm brilliant *wink*.
But anyway, he is still unconscious when he starts trying to call her, so it's kind of like he's talking in his sleep. He's not really in a fit state for talking in his comatose condition, and talking without being in control of your mouth would sound kind of like how he talked.
I'm no medical doctor, or even a CNA, but I think that kinda works? I'm going to have to rewrite this, because it made sense in my mind at the time and now I'm a bit confused myself.
Well, sorry for the novel here, but you asked some really good questions! And I'd like to see an update soon, young lady *shakes finger*
-Hannah :DD


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Review #10, by babewithbrainsSnape's Invitation: The Wedding, The Secret Place, and The Gift

1st February 2011:
Hi! I promised to review one of your stories so here it is.

I liked the whole concept of it--Severus being invited to the wedding by Lily and James sort-of apologising to him and stuff. It was written fairly well, and I quite liked Severus' characterisation and the plot was pretty good for a two-shot.

However, I think you need to get a beta. There are quite a few grammatical errors such as dialogue punctuation and awkward wording. Added to that is unnecessary capitalisation of words which aren't proper nouns or names--things like that really get on a nitpicker's nerves--like me. As well as that is the fact that you feel the need to use the word "flashback" to indicate a flashback when you could do this quite easily with italics, to be perfectly honest. It was just little things like this which bugged me and to be frank it detracted me from the story quite a bit. In the future, I think you need a beta to point out your mistakes as one of my pet peeves is to find a story which is actually quite good riddled with errors so I can't even read it properly without wishing a comma was here or whatever. I hope I haven't offended you as this wasn't my intention--I just want you to know what I thought of the story, and it is that I think that overall it's good, barring the grammar mistakes.

Keep writing and keep reading Checkmate--the next chapter will be up soon!

~Soraya~

Author's Response: I'm very, very sorry about not responding to this right away! Thank you very much for your review! I have been interesting in getting a beta for a while now, but I haven't been able to find anyone that is able to do so, but I am still looking. Sometimes I am in a writing frenzy and don't pick up on the grammatical errors, and some slip by me when I read them over again as well, so a beta could be very very helpful. Don't worry, you did not offend me with this review, because it has been very helpful with my work. I will now look a little harder into getting a beta, and try to read my things over very carefully in the meantime. Although I am very bad when it comes to grammar myself, I also find myself picking through other stories and doing the exact same thing-- finding missing commas, or missed periods, etc.
Thank you very much, and Happy writing
Hayleekins


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Review #11, by babewithbrainsRise and Shine?: Rise and Shine?

28th November 2010:
"You? Frying pan?" LOL, this was soo funny. Loved this story. Keep it up!!

~Soraya~

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Review #12, by babewithbrainsTorn Furniture, Shattered Walls: Torn Furniture, Shattered Walls

28th November 2010:
I've never read a Remus/Tonks in the Shrieking Shack, but I think you did it justice. I'll head over to read some more of your stories now!

~Soraya~

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Review #13, by babewithbrainsFirst touch: Daze

25th November 2010:
Good concept, done plenty of times before but it's disappointing that you're being let down by punctuation and perhaps not the right choice of words at times. You need a beta, love.

~Soraya~

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