Hello again! It's been a while since I read your last chapter but I finally have time to sit down and review!
Wow- you're certainly keeping the pace quick and the endings interesting! I'm very intrigued to see what will happen with Greyback- perhaps werewolves will be more effective against zombies than fire is. By the way, I found it interesting that fire was not a more effective tool, though I guess you could say that it did stop them. The image of the shaking bones was very creepy and I could just imagine them coming together and forming a marching, skeletal zombie!
I wish we could've seen more of the emotional reactions to Harry becoming a zombie and Ginny becoming his Queen, especially since both happened so suddenly and so close together. I definitely do understand, however, that there isn't much time for emotional therapy when there's a zombie crisis threatening to destroy everyone's lives. ;)
I think that you did a great job with the action scenes in this chapter. They definitely displayed a great level of urgency and I was torn between siding with Lily's cries to not abandon Albus in the crowd of zombies or agreeing with Hermione's logical decision to get away from the hoard of brain-hungry zombies.
Albus and Lily's (and, I suppose, James') decision to participate in the fight against the zombies was definitely expected. I would have been surprised if they had chosen to stay far away from the fight, since it's something that Ginny and Harry wouldn't have done.
One more question before I finish this review: Why is Harry trying to collect his friends and family? Is he wanting to recreate his life in zombie form?
All in all, I think that you did a great job with this chapter and I'm very intrigued to see where you'll take the story next. Great work!Author's Response: Oh my goodness thank you so much for coming to leave a review on my story!
I have seen quite a few complaints about the level of emotion depicted in the chapters and I have to say that you definitely see some of that emotion in later chapters. I honestly don't think that she had enough time to really process what was going on because her kids were involved and she was trying to get them to safety. So to me I think that that's what i was trying to get across, and then in later chapters I definitely explored more of her emotional reaction.
Thank you for your words about the action, that's one thing I'm always so nervous about when writing because I don't think I'm quite as adept at writing them but it's nice to get some positive feedback for it!
Harry collecting his friends and family is discussed a bit in later chapters in conjunction with the magic that was used to reanimate him :)
Thank you so much again! Report Review
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
Oooh- another brilliant chapter! I really loved the interactions in this chapter, especially since you managed to cover such a wide variety of reactions to Draco's presence, all of which made perfect sense.
The conversation between Minerva McGonagall and Draco was very well done. Minerva portrayed the outrage and indignation that she has every right to feel and yet she didn't go overboard in her words. She was to the point and she didn't mince words. Her line "That’s far enough, Mr. Malfoy" sounded exactly like her.
The restrictions placed on Draco seem perfectly fair. After all, it would be very unrealistic if Draco was allowed back into Hogwarts without any change in the attitude towards him. He had, after all, played a role (small as it was) in the group that had tormented the students and teachers of that school for over a year.
I think that one of my favourite parts of this chapter was the interaction between him and Luna. Her choice to defend him, as well as her reasoning for doing so, was so her (I know- I'm doing an excellent job of explaining myself). Only Luna would think that she owes someone for throwing their food at her. Furthermore, her remark about the school having seen enough fighting was very insightful and, (you guessed it), her. It's true, in a way, that one of the best ways to move on after such a great tragedy is to forgive people for the actions that they have already been held accountable for, so that society doesn't tear itself apart again...
As well, the revelation about what Narcissa did with her elf was perfectly in character with what we know about her character. She wasn't openly rebelling but she was changing what little she could to reveal her displeasure with the situation and change it for the better. It's very interesting to see the different layers one can add to a character without changing them from the character we know from the books.
I liked Astoria's role in this chapter. I've never before thought of their relationship as having problems from the parental side, as they are both of pureblood status, so the added dimension with Astoria's father shall make this story even more interesting.
I wonder how the students' (and citizens') reactions will affect their Hogsmeade "date", since it certainly had a negative effect on his Potions class and Draco tried to avoid attracting attention. Ah well- that's something I'll have to see in action in an upcoming chapter. :)
I do have one question, though: why are the students attending Hogwarts if it's still under repair? Wouldn't that be a little dangerous (even if it can be held up by magic) and drafty? And (scratch that, two questions) how does Draco starting in the middle of the year (since he's starting after the Holiday break, if I'm understanding things correctly) affect his schooling, since he would have missed out on half of the year. Did I just misunderstand something? Is everyone starting after the Holiday break?
All in all, I think that this was a very well done chapter, and it didn't seem "slow" at all! Everything was very interesting and I look forward to reading more of this story! Thanks for re-requesting! :)Author's Response: Hi, there! Long time, no see.
I just didn't see any possible way that Draco was going to be welcomed back with open arms, or even simple indifference. For the majority of the war, he found on the other side. People aren't going to forget that, and forgiveness would be a long, gradual process of rebuilding trust. From McGonagall's point of view, Draco has simply done what his family always does: use their gold to buy his way back into school. So she's understandably furious. Even more important to her, she doesn't want Draco's presence to disrupt the fragile healing process of the students and even the teachers. So in my mind, her terms are directly related to that. She won't take any chance of Draco harming any of her students physically (disarming him) or emotionally (isolating him).
Ah, Luna! If there's one big regret I have from CoB, it's that I couldn't work her into the story more often. I appreciate exactly what you're saying. There's a quality to her that's nearly impossible to define. You just know it when you see it. So I'm really glad that you saw it.
The little bit about Narcissa trying to keep Luna from starving made me happy. I really came to like her character while writing Marked.
The first part of their Hogsmeade "date" is now posted, and it's probably not what you're expecting. Then again, what is with these two? Astoria's father will definitely keep things interesting. He's not likely to change his opinion of Draco quickly.
In my mind, Hogwarts is *mostly* repaired at this point. There are certain parts of it that are still a work in progress, and the completion of repairs was likely put off until springtime. As far as Draco starting in the middle of the year, I imagine that things were probably rather... fluid for the first year after the war. A lot of families might not have returned from wherever they went into hiding right away. Some students might have still be hospitalized or too traumatized to start back right away. Some parents might have taken a "wait and see" approach. Somehow I doubt that Draco was the only student who returned mid-year. And he's really only trying to get to the point where he can sit a few N.E.W.T.s. Presumably he could have done that without returning at all, but he'll benefit from the instruction.
Whew. I'm glad this one didn't seem pokey. It took forever to write and I was really worried about it. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! Report Review
It's Roots in Water here with your review! Wow- it's been a little while since I read chapter 9... Where did 2012 go?
Anyway, I think that you did a lovely job once again! To jump straight into your questions, I think that you did a great job with your description of the prefect's meeting. The reactions of the Prefects worked wonderfully with their age and their exposure to the war; this was, after all, their first taste of danger that was close at hand. Frank's reaction about the doubts was perfectly reasonable as well- I doubt that I could be any calmer when faced with questioning about the truth of such a horrible experience. I also liked how you arranged for the Prefects to wander the halls in case anyone needed to talk or ask questions.
I do have a question for myself: in this chapter you mentioned that James and Lily represented Gryffindor- what does that mean for Remus? Are there no Gryffindor prefects? Or did I just misread/misinterpret that section?
I really enjoyed Lily's dream. It was fascinating to see little hints of the way Petunia would treat her nephew in the future- if it was in her to hurt a kitty when she was that old, it's not too big of a stretch for her to neglect her sister's child because he was "not normal". It was also interesting to see that she didn't completely hate magic at that point in time, though that could only have been because she needed it to fix something.
One of the things I liked best about that section was how it didn't portray the Evans' family as completely perfect. There were fights, but they are happy as a whole and that's what matters.
As well, I think that you did a fantastic job of transitioning slowly into a more serious tone. This chapter did a good job of expanding on the meaning/consequences of the attack revealed in the last chapter, trying to impress upon the students just how dangerous and difficult this time period will be.
Moody is tricky character to write, isn't he? I think that you did a good job with his portrayal- he certainly had his authoritative manner. However, as great as your portrayal already is, I do have a few suggestions. :) First of all, (though this could be a creation of my own mind), I've pictured him speaking in a gruffer, more threatening and informal manner. Though I loved the "insults" and tough tone you've already used here, I would love to see more of it sprinkled throughout his speech. As well, I would love to see more physical description as he speaks- he has such a large physical presence that I find that it's one of the most fun parts to write when I write him. As he speaks, how does he look at the class? Does he glare? Does he slam his hand on the desk for emphasis? Does he stride about the classroom, getting into people's faces? Does he watch the interaction between Alice and Rosier with a smile?
All in all, I really enjoyed this chapter and I think that you did a fantastic job of moving the plot along. I'm really interested to see the changes in the characters after this meeting with Moody- I have a feeling it will leave a strong impression on them. Thanks for requesting a review and I hope that my comments are helpful!Author's Response: Hi darling!! I'm so happy to see you back here! Not like I gave you much of a choice to do anything else.. mwhaha. Dan and I were joking about how terrible we are, snapping up your slots the second your queue is cleared.
I'm so happy that the Prefects meeting felt realistic to you. So, I decided that Head Boy and Girl would bascially replace the 7th year prefects for their House. So if Lily was a Ravenclaw, there wouldn't be a girl Prefect for the 7th year Ravenclaw. I felt kind of bad for booting Remus out, but I imagine that he understood that Dumbledore needed to get James to grow up a bit, and giving him more responsibility was the way to do that.
I'm so happy you picked up on those hints of Petunia's future cruelty!! It's just something small right now, but like you said, an indicator of what she can become.
The Evans family memories are so much fun to write. And that's exactly what I want to show, that they were happy as a whole. I don't like when it's made to seem that they were completely negligent of Petunia, just because it doesn't make sense. If they're going to support their daughter who found out she was a witch, why wouldn't they be good enough parents to love their other daughter as well? I definitely think it was Petunia's own thoughts that made her feel like she was the least loved, and she just doesn't let herself understand anything she doesn't agree with.
I was afraid of going overboard with gruffness, so I'm happy to hear (or read, I suppose) that he could use a bit more. I'll definitely go back through this section and see what else I can add in to bring his presence out more without overdoing him.. thank you! ♥
Your comments are always helpful! Thank you again so much for being such an awesome review ♥ You have no idea how excited i was to see your slots open back up, haha! Report Review
It's Roots in Water here with your review! It turns out that I actually haven't read chapter four yet, so I hope you don't mind that I decided to review it! :)
This was a very interesting chapter, once again showing a great understanding of the Wolf's character. Though the Wolf's perspective occupied the majority of the chapter, it suited the purpose of the chapter (at least for me). Remus, the human, would have been able to understand the situation, though not the motives behind it, immediately. The Wolf, however, can only understand that his Pack is no longer with him, has been permanently separated from him.
The emotion, the sorrow, he showed was very well done- it definitely made me think of an animal mourning its family. It was interesting that he thought of it as a mission- I wonder why the Wolf's mind thought of the mourning as a "task" to be completed. Well, animals are pretty practical...
I don't know if I've ever commented on this before, but I think that you made a good choice when you decided to write the Wolf's sections in third person. Writing from inside the mind of an animal (a werewolf, in particular) would not only be strange but also be hard to pull of realistically and believably. And a werewolf should have that detached sense, since it is a proud, occasionally violent and definitely loyal creature.
As well, I liked the reference to Peter Pettigrew, the little rat. It's interesting that he would still be in Godric's Hollow, though perhaps Wolf's reasoning that it's just a scent that rubbed off on an ordinary rat... However, I did find it a little odd that the Wolf was able to reason like that. Everything else about him seems so... not primitive, exactly, but not exactly capable of making logical deductions. But I'm not a werewolf expert by any means. :P
As well, I did spot one small thing: with the phrase "knew the Potters had argued about" I believe that there should be a comma after "Potters".
I liked Remus' section of the chapter as well, especially since it gave us a glimpse into the cracks in the Marauders' friendship and the guilt that followed. It was nice to see an explanation as to why Remus didn't go and visit Sirius, and it was one that I definitely could understand.
All in all, I think that you did a great job with this chapter! I look forward to what will come in chapter five. If I can hazard a guess, I imagine that it will be a small reunion between the Wolf and his pack during a certain Gryffindor's third year. ;) Thanks for requesting and I hope that my comments are helpful!Author's Response: Hey Roots! :D
Yeah, I realized a bit too late that I had requested for the wrong chapter! I figured you would know though instead of adding one pointless post in your review thread. XD
Wolf has become, in a way, an OC. He's Remus, yes, but for me, he acts and thinks very different. Thanks to him becoming his own persona, it has becoming a lot easier to write Wolf's parts now than it was back when I posted this. Like you said, seeing Remus mourning for the loss of his friends and the betrayal has been done plenty of times. That's why I chose for Wolf to occupy most of the chapter and do the mourning. All he understands is that his pack is gone and that he's a loner. Remus's beliefs that Sirius did it bled into Wolf's consciousness and therefore he too thinks that the Dog did it.
This chapter is indeed full of emotions! I had to sit down with pictures of sleepy, snowie villages and Enya music to get the feel of the place and chapter. Wolf wanted to pay his respects to the graves of the Stag and his mate. He saw it as his duty as the Alpha of his long gone pack; he felt he needed to do it for that and because they were like his family.
Writing in first person from Wolf's POV sounds like a nightmare I don't want to get into. Hahaha. Its far easier to just do it in 3rd.
It actually IS Peter! The way I see it, at first Peter had no idea of what to do. Don't think he actually immediately wondered into the Weasley house-hold. He lingered where he thought Voldemort could still be, in hopes that his master was still around. He spotted Remus and immediately went into panic mode. Remus is still conscious enough inside Wolf so if Peter had been caught by Wolf, Remus would've figured out what had happened. I wanted to give this story a lot of 'what ifs' and the many outcomes that Harry would've had.
I'll definitely look into that sentence and add the comma.
I always wondered why Remus didn't try and get the 'why' behind Sirius. It would've solved a lot of things! But yeah...I tried to make it as believable and understanding as to why he chose to not go and seek out the answers he had for many years.
You're absolutely right! The next chapter does take place in those certain Gryffindor's third year. XD Fast forwarding quite a bit!
Thank you so much for your kind review, Roots! :D I really appreciate it!
Until next time
It's Roots in Water here with your review! Sorry it took so long to write!
Wow- this is certainly an interesting start to a story. You've gotten me intrigued to see how Dom will break up the wedding and to know if Damon is actually the two-timing man that Dom claims that he is.
Dom's characterization in this chapter has made me really curious to know his past. Why exactly does he hate his sister so? Or perhaps it's not exactly hate... But why is he so annoyed by her? Is it just a case of sibling tension or does it originate from a particular event (or series of events)? He certainly is an interesting character, one I would like to get to know better. :)
Victoire is a really devious person- to force her brother into becoming essentially hired help as revenge... I can certainly understand where she's coming from, though. I don't think I'd like it if someone insulted the (imaginary)person I was marrying and to utterly destroy all of my wedding plans... I was definitely on her side in that moment. Dom certainly seems rather immature at the moment. She definitely has the potential to be annoying, especially as we get swayed by Dom's point of view.
Teddy, Teddy, Teddy... I don't know how much I like this twist on his characterization. While it's certainly believable, I think I have a soft spot for him because of his parents and his godfather. Oh well- since it sounds as though you'll be putting him into a relationship with Dom, there has to be hope for his character. I don't think Dom could get over the hurtful things he did to his sister otherwise.
You asked whether or not Dom's funny... Well, I didn't find him overly hilarious in this chapter. He was certainly amusing, though, and the scenes in this chapter weren't particularly humurous, which probably hindered his talents. ;) Unfortunately, I can't really give you any tips on how to write humour as I'm not the greatest at writing it. :P
Your grammar seemed perfectly fine to me! I didn't notice anything off or odd as I was reading through it. The one thing I would be careful about, though, is that you take the time to explain Dom's thoughts and feelings instead of just tossing about dramatic statements all of the time (not that you're doing this- it's just something to be careful about). Exploring the character will help readers feel closer and connect more with Dom during the course of the story and will be especially important as you change his view of Teddy.
All in all, I think that you're off to a good start with an interesting story! Thanks for requesting a review and I hope that my comments are helpful!Author's Response: Thank you so much for this review! It is so, so, so helpful! :) Now I finally know that I'm heading in the right direction with this story!
Haha, yes, there is hope for Teddy. He is not all that bad as Dom makes him out to be-- Dom's got only Vic's side of the story, you know. As for Vic, Dom loves her (even if he acts like immature, rude brat in front of her). He really cares his sister, and I was hoping that it would show in this chapter. That's the reason why he wants to 'save' her from Damon. And of course, there's the ultimate question: Is Damon as bad as Dom says he is? :D Dom is indeed a fun character to write. He's just so bratty and biased! And he's definitely going to get funnier in the next chapters, as the situation gets more and more out of hand. Writing hilarity is the only thing I'm good at, after all. :P
Thank you again for this great review!! :-) Report Review
It's Roots in Water here with your review! Sorry for taking so long to write it!
Oooh- let me just tell you right off the bat that I loved you using this scene as a "starting point" for the story. It's a wonderful beginning to chose because graduation truly can be called "the start of something new". As well, at this point in their lives the war has developped into something worth worrying about (giving you your story) and they have the strength to worry about it.
As well, though I did enjoy your "tell the story backwards" method, I think that this (more usual) method of storytelling will suit the story just as well, or perhaps even better. It will certainly allow you greater ease with the progression of the plot and I'm very interested to see how you will integrate parts of the old version into this one. :)
I liked your characterization of Eleanor in this chapter- she still had a very amusing air about her but she was also irritated and annoyed by the war in a way that clearly explained why she didn't want to participate in it. Her comments about her friends were an excellent way to explore the effects of the war on them as well as give further reasoning behind her distaste to participate in the war.
I really liked the moment between Sirius and Eleanor. It very clearly showed the feelings between them (and Sirius' protectiveness was so very sweet!). On a slightly more practical level, it also showed that Eleanor was in danger just because of her blood status.
I noticed a few typos as I was reading that I'll just point out quickly. To begin, with the phrase "i'll put some grow-your-own warts" you should capitalize the "I" in "I'll" and with the phrase "attention, his body", "His body" should be the start of a new sentence. As well, with the phrase "I associated myself with" I think that the "myself" should be taken out as it makes the flow of the sentence slightly awkward and with the phrase "Bones, some people", "Some people" should be the start of new sentence as well. Then, with the phrase "Its fine" it should be "it's" and with "her friendships with the other Gryffindor girls was disintegrating" I would use either "friendship" or "were" to ensure that the verb conjugation matched the noun.
Your description was great! It was very easy to visualize the scenes, including both the actions of the characters as well as their emotions.
All in all, I think that you're off to a fabulous new start! The story is very interesting and I'm amazed as to the amount of background that you managed to slip smoothly into one chapter! Thanks for requesting a review and I hope that I covered everything in your request. ;)Author's Response: Hey Roots!
Thank you so much for reviewing this and so sorry for the late response!
I really appreciate your comments that this is an okay spot to start. I was feeling really uneasy with the decision to nix the method i had used to tell the story before- however it is allowing for better character development i'm finding. Also, it gives a bigger view of what the war might have been like and the situations that everyone faced during that time.
I'm happy you liked the part between them. Fluff and romance- intimacy of any kind really i feel are my weakest points in writing and i'm always worried that it'll come off as forced and awkward. However I wanted them to seem like they are already really comfortable with each other and that they have a certain amount of feels between them.
Thank you for pointing those mistakes out! I will be going back and correcting those!! :P
Thank you so much for your review!! ^_^
It's Roots in Water here with your review. I'd forgotten that I'd reviewed your story before, but your prologue quickly jogged my memory. :P
Your writing style makes for a very unique (and enjoyable) portrayal of the Marauders. I don't think that I've ever read a story before where Remus started coughing up blood in the middle of the Yule Ball or where Remus made such amusing comments in the middle of the narration. This story is definitely enjoyable and intriguing.
Since we only have stories and memories to base the characters off of, and not concrete sections of canon, I think that you've done a good job of elaborating on the basics of the Marauders-era characters. James and Sirius are funny pranksters and James appears to be interested in Lily... Remus, while certainly not a book-obsessed student, is shy/self-conscious enough in action to make his failure to rein James and Sirius in believable. And Peter's gone home for the holidays, so I don't really have anything to comment on about him. My only suggestion would be to try and relate Remus' thoughts more with his actions. As funny and interesting as his thoughts are, they don't entirely sync up with his actions because while he sounds completely comfortable and confident in himself, he doesn't act that way.
And, is it just my imagination or did you skip a month or so between this chapter and the last? If so (and I apologize if I'm mistaken), I would be careful to write a short transition at the start of the chapter that summarizes the months that have been skipped over. It allows you to move the story along quickly without seeming like you're jumping through time.
Other than that small thing, however, I think that you're doing a great job of moving the plot along while also describing the events in enough detail that it doesn't seem like you're rushing through them. You're also doing a great job of describing the dynamics between the characters (James' gaze after Lily in this chapter really makes me curious about his exact feelings for her...).
Your flow is also good. Now that I've gotten more used to the **headers**, they've become fun and amusing and they don't seem to break up the text as much.
On a smaller, more particular and canon-related note, you introduced Nymphadora Tonks in this chapter as a student at Hogwarts... Even though she doesn't start at the school until several years after Remus has graduated.
All in all, I think that you're continuing to do a good job of writing an interesting story about the Marauders. I'm interested to see where you will take their lives and what these "moments of impact" will be. Thanks for requesting and I hope that my comments are helpful! Report Review
Hey! I'm (finally) here to return the favour for your fabulous review! Let's see what's happened in the world of the Marauders... The chapter summary sounded very ominous.
Wow. I love how you're balancing several different issues in this story: their personal problems, their friendship and the developping war- and intertwining them so smoothly amongst each other. The light-hearted moments transition well into the darker moments... providing a necessary balance in the story.
The darker moments of this chapter were very well done. The event in and of itself was very serious and reflected the times very well. And then the way you made it relevant to the story... I must admit, I didn't read the revelation scene with bated breath (oops)- I read it trying to figure out how the children and the living Bones' family fit into my knowledge of the Bones family during Harry's era. My conclusion? That neither of the twin girls is Susan Bones.
However, I was paying enough attention to the flow of the scene to know that you did a great job with your description of it. Everything was crystal clear and Lily's reactions to the news were definitely in character. It was interesting to see her realize that this was the first time the war had really touched them from behind the walls of Hogwarts... And it'll be even more interesting to see how the rest of the school reacts to the news. I imagine the sides will become even clearer after the revealing.
I really liked how the creation/revealing of the Patronus messages came about. The Marauders were so clever that it's perfectly believable that they would come up with an idea like this and make it work. The small changes you made to the spell to make it less "evolved" and certainly less efficient were a very nice touch. I definitely agree with you that magic would evolve over the years (no matter how small/limited that change might be).
Then, I really liked the quick and somewhat easy forgiveness between Sirius and James. It makes sense that if given a little time to cool down and put the situation in perspective, James would lose his anger towards Sirius. And at least now everyone knows who the favourite son is. (Great line, by the way!)
The following scene with Bellatrix was very good. I think that you did a great job of showing how she's already teetering on the edge of mental insanity and how she's already obsessed with the Dark Lord.
I have just one critique about the section: to begin, I noticed a typo. With the phrase "her stockings occasional" it should be "occasionally". However, I do think that that sentence sounds a little odd coming from Bellatrix. It doesn't sound like the sort of observation that she would make/I can't really picture Bellatrix wearing stockings. It sounds a little too feminine and sweet for her.
All in all, I think that you did a great job with this chapter and I look forward to reading more! Thanks for the great review and great work! :DAuthor's Response: Hi darling! Sorry this has taken so long to respond to. I'm out of town visiting family and yeah, things are a bit on the crazy side.
I'm so happy that you think the dark and light parts are balancing out well. It's really important to be me to show that, no matter how young they are, things aren't the way they should be. Things aren't easy and carefree like they should be for these seventeen year old students, but that doesn't mean that they are always just upset/scared.
I had so much fun with the Patronus scene! I'm sure someone will come along and tell me that it doesn't make sense and blah blah, but I don't even care because I loved so much the idea that the marauders left such a huge thing. They used their sneaky powers for good :P.
The Bones family!
Edger, Amelia and Esther are the three siblings. Esther is the mother of Susan (in my head, her mother isn't ever actually named :P) and she's a few years older than the group. Amelia, Susan's aunt, is currently a 6th year, and Edger is the oldest. He's married to a muggle woman and has the twin girls, and according to Lexicon they don't have a very happy future :(.
Ahh crazy Bellatrix is so much fun to write. She just is so dominant that she just kind of writes herself and ugh. Love it. Hahah.
Thank you so much again for the amazing review. ♥ Report Review
Hello! I'm here to return yet another of your wonderful reviews!
Wow- this was another very intense chapter. Once again, I think that you're doing a great job of moving the story along while also allowing small moments for character portrayal and development.
Hermione's urgency was very evident in this chapter and even though it was frustrating to read, Ginny's hesitancy was also very well done. It makes sense that she would be reluctant to leave her house in the middle of the night without any explanation- it was an obvious train of thought to think that Hermione has gone slightly crazy (and who would follow a crazy woman into the night?) It was unfortunate, though, that Hermione didn't actually explain the situation in detail. A good blurt of "Your husband's a man-eating zombie!" probably would have cleared away the confusion a bit or at least shocked Ginny enough to grab her and apparate away. Then, of course, Harry wouldn't have had his Queen...
The last line of this chapter was great! It was the perfect conclusion to this chapter and added a lot of suspense and anticipation for the next one (which has been, of course, fortunately posted already). Though it's happy, in a way, that Ginny has now been reunited with Harry, it's also very sad because now Hermione is completely alone (except for her children and extended family, of course... But essentially alone) and she will most likely be the one to kill Harry and Ginny.
It was interesting, though, how Harry was drawn to his house and to Ginny. I'm not that familiar with zombies- are they typically drawn to places of strong emotional attachment during their lives?
As well, I liked the connation of the last line. It signifies that Harry is not only a zombie but that he's a powerful zombie who has a high status in the zombie army he's creating. Will this turn into an all-out battle between the witches and wizards and zombies?
I did notice one tiny mistake as I was reading: in the phrase "your children's life in danger" it should be "children's lives". :)
All in all, I think that you did a great job with this chapter. It's a very enjoyable read and I'm looking forward to continuing on with it. Great work! :DAuthor's Response: I am so dreadfully sorry it has taken me so long to respond to this review.
First of all, thank you so much for leaving it :)
You're right, Hermione wasn't very clear when she told Ginny what was going on. I think part of it was she still wanted to protect Ginny from the truth even though she knew that it was staring her right in the face.
I do have a plan for the reason that Harry is drawn to family members so stay tuned for that one. I don't think it's a normal zombie characteristic, no.
Thank you again so much for reviewing this I really super appreciate it! Report Review
Hello! I'm here to return the fantastic review you left me through the Holiday Swap!
Oh. My. Gosh. Oh. My. Gosh. This was such an emotionally packed chapter... Wow. Just wow. I am absolutely stunned by the beauty and power of this chapter.
With the opening scene I was thinking "No, no, no- Sirius killed them, he killed her parents. What is Lily going to think?" The emotion, the almost vagueness, the simplicity of the scene was wonderfully done. His emotions - frustration, anger, ferocity - came through very well and the simple sentences made the section just that much more powerful.
(I'm going to jump to the ending since that's where my thoughts are at the moment). Then, then, when Sirius says that he has to tell them something... The suspense of that moment was very well done. The heart of Sirius' character shone through crystal clear here: he's a person who wants to do the right thing, who is fundamentally good (no matter what mistakes he may make) and is willing to own up to his mistakes. He was astonishingly mature here, and feeling oh so guilty, but it worked so well with him. Beautiful characterization here.
And then the telling of the incident itself! I think that you made the right choice here when you wrote the event as it happened instead of just describing it. It leant more emotion to the scene than a simple rendition would have and it allowed us to see Lily's reaction to the event. I will admit that I hadn't thought that Lily would have known about it- I thought that this would be a huge revelation. However, I'm very glad with the way things played out (even though the event was tragic). Lily was so Lily here (and I think I have to stop describing people by their names...) in the way she comforted Sirius even when she had just experienced a huge loss.
And let me just say that I'm very glad that Sirius was not the one to run into her parents' car. The dynamics of the accident were very interesting as just about every party was as guilty as the other. No one was completely innocent.
I do have a question, though (about a very small detail). How did the girl's parents get there so soon? Did Sirius black out for a while, giving the parents (and Lily) time to get there?
And I think that you handled the reactions of their friends very well as well. James' reaction was expected (I would have been surprised if he hadn't gotten angry, because it's an event that hurt Lily - he wouldn't have a calm reaction to that, not in the least). However, I think that he'll come around soon, after a few days of frosty treatment. Remus' reaction also fit him perfectly because he always seemed to be the most understanding and sympathetic of the group. It makes sense that he would understand Sirius' side of the story, even if he wished it hadn't happened that way and frowned on Sirius for street racing. He would understand that Sirius is beating himself up enough... There's no need to add more guilt to the pile.
Overall, the dynamics of that section were beautifully done. Bravo!
And now to move onto the less heart-breaking section of the chapter: the Quidditch scene. That scene was also very well done (you're on a roll with this chapter, aren't you?). I absolutely loved the easy dynamics in this section and I think that it was a very interesting and fun idea for everyone to help James out with the Quidditch tryouts. I suspect that Violet will have a role to play in the future but I'm sure that you can't tell me anything about that.
And then the scene with Severus... It was so bittersweet because you could see that he still really cared for her and that there was this yearning on both sides to repair their friendship... But neither made the move to repair it because they're separated by the times and their choices. The picture was very sweet and it was so nice of Severus to give it to her.
I noticed a few things as I was reading and I'll quickly point them out. To begin, with the phrase "from the devil, it was all" I'd use a semi-colon or start a new sentence instead of a comma- same thing with "furious, she". As well, with the prhase "about it, he'd" I'd use a semi-colon instead of a comma and with the phrase "finished eating, seeing James" I'd use a semi-colon or replace comma with "as". With the phrase "Mr. And Mrs. Potter" it should be "and" (you capitalized the "a") and with "press chargers for the girlâs reckless" it's "charges". As well, on a kinda side-note, with the phrase "Lily chasing her dark haired sister through the lobby" is Petunia actually ark-haired? I suppose it was my headcanon, then, that she had dark-blonde hair. Weird, the things you pick up and incorporate into your mind.
Geez- you're going to make me wait until chapter 13 to learn about Belle's past? I guess I'll just have to speed through these chapters that much more quickly!
All in all, I think that you did a superb job with this chapter! The characterization and the dynamics were absolutely beautiful and I enjoyed reading each moment of it. Fantastic job! :D
P.S. I think that this is the longest review I've ever written. :)Author's Response: Roots! ♥ I'm so happy you liked how the accident has played out. I know I've had a few people not love how strong Lily is at first, but that's just her. If she's trying to fix, if she's focusing on something else, it's not killing her. Then the moment she slips from her shock and realizes what's happening, it all just breaks.. which is what we saw in chapter two! Anyway, this was one of those things that I was very set on not changing, so I'm really happy she felt right to you ♥
That's exactly what I wanted with the accident! I wanted it to just have all happened in a way that it really wasn't one single person's fault. It was just something absolutely terrible that happened.
So in my head, here's how I see the finer details going. Sirius did black out when he was thrown from his bike. In my head where they crashed is the entrance to the neighborhood where Lily and Severus live, with James about half a mile away. So numerous houses would have heard the wreck and called the police. Sirius was woken up by the guy when the police were showing up and while he went to hide his bike the police had started talking to the girl, called her parents and all that. Lily is one of the people who lives in the neighborhood and drove down the road to see what was happening and ya :(. It does all kind of add up too perfectly, but it was the best I could come up with to get everyone I wanted there :P
Ahh I'm so happy you like James's reaction! And you're right, there is a very good chance he'll come around soon ;)
The quidditch scene was SO HARD TO WRITE. Haha, I'm not sports person so even getting in the sports attitude isn't easy for me! So I'm very pleased that you felt like it was well done :)!
Hahah yes yes I AM making you wait until chapter 13! I'm a sneaky girl. But the way we're swapping, it won't take long :P
Your review just turned me into mush and gah. I don't know what to do with you ♥ Report Review
Hello! I'm here to return the favour for the fabulous review you left for the Holiday Swap. And oh boy- I think that this is the last review I can leave you until you post another chapter of one of your stories/another story. *sigh* Please post something soon! :D
This was an amazing end to this short story. I don't know what exactly I was expecting her proof to be but I don't think that it was a memory of the Final Battle. However, you did a fantastic job with your description of the battle. It seemed so real and it was so very interesting because while we were seeing Hermione's memory, we were watching it from Albus' perspective, who didn't know many of the people or the exact meaning of each of their triumphs. He knew generalities or very specific facts... But he didn't know who Bellatrix was or that Hogwarts had been in ruins. This unique perspective really made the scene come alive. Great job!
Even as I was reading through the memory, I didn't expect Greyback to go feral (as I suppose you would describe it). Of course, after you started hinting about it, I immediately started to view it as a very interesting and plausible possibility, but I was also expecting you to write Lavendar's death. I realize, however, that that would ahve only sown his ferocity and animal-tendencies in the past, not in the present, as his feral-ness (is that a word?) did.
The process in which you progressed towards his explosion was very well done. It was realistic and I could see it happening as it happened. I was on the edge of my seat waiting for the moment where he lost it. And then he did, in a large and very aggressive manner. After he started to move, I knew that there would be no doubt as to whether or not he would be put back into prison.
My one critique about the fight was that it was slightly difficult to follow its location. I know that at one point Albus left the Memory room (which is a really cool invention, by the way), but I wasn't sure when Hermione and Greyback did and I was surprised when you wrote that everyone else spilled out of the room to arrest Greyback. But this was a minor confusion compared to the chapter as a whole. :)
The ending of this chapter was very strong and tied up the one loose end from the first chapter. So Seamus was in love with Lavendar and sent Hermione the letter... It all makes sense and you wrote his emotions wonderfully. It was interesting to see his reaction to the end of the war, which was perfectly reasonable. The temptation to take justice upon yourself would be very strong and his attempt to break into Azkaban was a good reflection of that desire.
All in all, I think that you did a fantastic job with this story. Everyone was beautifully characterized and you wrote them into a very original situation. Great work! :DAuthor's Response: Hi, Roots! Wow. Now that I think of it, you're right. There is nothing I've written that you haven't reviewed. You poor, poor soul! ;) Seriously, though, you have no idea how much I appreciate it all!
I loved the idea of writing the all through Albus's eyes. He knows enough about what happened that he can recognize some of the key events and the players involved, but he's getting all of the context for the first time. And he has no frame of reference for bloodshed and death on such an enormous scale. Like everyone else in the room except for Hermione and Greyback, he's mesmerized.
To me, Greyback was such an unstable madman to begin with and he'd been locked away in Azkaban for so long that it wasn't going to take a whole lot to shake his self-control. It was already slipping at the start of the scene, when he can't stop himself from trying to put a chill in Albus. Confronted with all of the chaos and violence of the battle, he eventually loses it and attacks. Escape was never his goal.
Hmmnn... maybe I can work a bit on the descriptions. The entire fight takes place inside the Memory Chamber. Albus doesn't ever leave it. After Hermione begins to fight with Greyback, the memory they're viewing ends and they're returned to "normal" reality, sort of like when Harry pulls himself out of the penseive after viewing Snape's memories.
Somewhere along the way, I picked up a lovely little bit of head canon that put Seamus and Lavender in a secret relationship during the year that Snape and the Carrows were in charge of Hogwarts. They kept it a secret in order to keep her safe. If the Carrows had found out, they would have threatened her as a means of controlling him. I'm sure her death hit everyone hard, but he still hasn't really recovered from it.
I'm really glad that you enjoyed this and I promise I'll try to get some writing done soon. The holidays haven't been kind to my free time. Thanks so much for all of your support and awesome reviews! Report Review
Hello! I'm here to return your lovely review in the Holiday Review Swap!
Ah! This was such a perfect mix of sweetness, sadness and desperate anger. I really enjoyed it. :D
Your description was fabulous. The manner in which you described the Potter house in Godric's Hollow was really well done. It was easy to picture and the signs of the years that had passed were heart-breaking because of the knowledge that if only things hadn't been different, the house would have had such a happier atmosphere...
And I really liked how you tied the piece of Lily's letter into this story. It provides a wonderfully tidy explanation as to why it was later at Grimmauld Palace even if Sirius hadn't gone back there in his youth because of course he had lived there in his adulthood. :D Wonderful work with fixing small holes in canon!
As well, I think that you did a great job with the description of the scene in Hogwarts. Though the scene was definitely quicker than the previous section, it worked well because you were describing a scene of action, where the main character was a dog. And dogs' thoughts are more simplistic, which you did a great job of showing. Sirius only wanted one thing in this section and that was to capture Peter Pettigrew. It was too bad that Peter escaped.
And the way you tied Peter's escape to Sirius' tearing of the portrait of the Fat Lady was very well done! It was yet another example of the great manner in which you tied this perspective in the canon one.
I noticed two things that are more personal opinon than anything else (but I thought I'd point them out all the same - feel free to ignore). To begin, with the phrase "On Halloween evening" I think it would flow better as "on the evening of Halloween". As well, with the phrase "house that was concealed with spells from Muggles" I would take out "that was" to help improve the flow of the sentence.
All in all I think that you did a great job with this story. Your description was fantastic and you melded it into canon very well. Great work! :DAuthor's Response: Hi! Thank you for your review! =)
I'm glad you enjoyed this one-shot. It was heartbreaking to write about Sirius's visit to Godric's Hollow, but somehow I just felt that he needed it for the closure. When I read that letter in HP, it really struck me how happy family the Potters were even when there was war going on around them. And then in one night all of it was just gone. =(
I'd have loved nothing more than Sirius catching that rat, but the canon way felt more right this story.
I'll definitely check out your suggestions once the queue opens again. Thank you for pointing those out.
It was lovely swap, and I've been thinking about your story constantly since I read that first chapter. I might have to do another review for it. ;) Report Review
Well hello! I'm back for yet another installment in this lovely Review Swap!
Oh my gosh- Hermione is going to call of the Greece trip? I can't imagine that Jonathan will be pleased with that... Especially not since he likes order so much. And she won't even be able to give him a satisfactory reason since she's following a whim. I'm sensing a rupture in their relationship appearing any moment...
But though I'm sure that will be painful for Hermione, she will be working with Ron! (So that kind of makes up for it. Definitely makes up for it).
I really enjoyed their interaction in this chapter. Their every word, their every action... Everything felt natural and once again I was reminded of why they're such a great couple. They fit together, more so than she and Jonathan ever would.
It was very interesting to see Hermione trust her heart over her brain here as it's not something she does very often. She's going into a place where the kind of research she has available won't be of any use (and I do wonder how she'll react to that piece of news). Furthermore, she's going into a place she's been avoiding for the past few years and I can't imagine how frightening that will be. At least she'll have Ron beside her, though. :D
As well, I thought that you did a fabulous job with the interaction between Harry and Ginny. Harry's reactions do make sense because, as you said here, he didn't give up immediately. He searched and searched and searched until he had exhausted every possibility he could think of. Unfortunately, I still suspect that he will feel guilty when Ginny turns out to have been correct with her sighting of Ron. It's in his nature.
As well, his proposal worked so beautifully within the framework of the scene. They didn't need something big or elaborate- they just needed each other and the strength of their love for one another. Great job!
All in all, I think that you did a great job with this chapter and you're continuing to move this stoyr along a very nice pace. It's impossible to feel anything but entranced here. Great work! :D Report Review
Hello! I'm here to return your lovely review! It appears that I'm finally catching up with the chapters in this story (though not really... There's still another six unread ones...)
I really enjoyed this chapter. Though it still provided some light-hearted elements, it also brought a more serious tone back into the story- the unfortunate reminder that they're living in the beginning of a war.
I thought that your Death Eater scene at the beginning of the chapter was well done. I liked how you contrasted the setting with the outdoor setting of Hogwarts by comparing the lighting. Though subtle, it really helped to set the scene. As well, I think that you did a great job with your characterization of the Death Eaters. Though I was a little surprised one or two times by the manner in which Lucius acted (for example, his envy of Bellatrix's excitement), I soon remembered that we were reading a younger Lucius, a less controlled Lucius, and the pieces fell back into place again.
For the most part, I think that you did a fantastic job capturing Voldemort's character (he is another tough one to write well, don't you think?). However, one line stuck out for me as a little out of place coming from Voldemort's mouth: "Rodolphus - go over it again". The "go over it again" sounded a little informal and it sounded a little lenient as well. I would change the phrasing to something more strict and menacing... Perhaps "Repeat what I have said so that I can be assured that it has sunken into your brain" (I don't know...).
It was really nice to see the two groups interact again so well and their introductory scene was a nice transition from the next chapter. It was also sweet to see how a younger student viewed the "big and bad" seventh years. Poor James, frightening her with his silence.
The scene between Belle and Sirius was very touching. It was very sweet to see how Sirius feels and treats her differently than other girls and recognizes that he may feel more than just friendship for her... They looked so close to kissing in that section but I'm glad you didn't have them kiss because once again it wasn't the best time. Belle had just received bad news and their relationship probably would've headed straight for the rocks if they'd begun it then.
As well, I liked your introduction to Belle's family problems. It was slightly mysterious, since the letter referred to some things that we didn't have knowledge of, but it also provided more information on her family. So her family has a high position in French society? Interesting... That would provide some more explanation as to why she has more proper manners (among other things). As well, now I'm really curious to learn about the incident that drove her from her family's side (or was it a series of incidents?) :D
I noticed a few mistakes as I read through the chapter that I'll point out now. To begin, with the phrase "wind, they", "they" should either be the beginning of a new sentence or preceded by a semi-colon. As well, with the phrase "Lily was positive she nor Sirius would admit it" there should be a "neither" in front of "she" and with "shooting his teams directly" it should be "team's". With the phrase "but be happy at James decision" it should be "with James'" (forgot the apostrophe) and with "nominate first and second years" it should be "to nominate" (infinitive of verb). With the phrase "result of a busy day, at least that's" I would use a semi-colon instead of a comma and with "memories brunt away" I believe it's "burnt". Finally, with "Dungeons, the Heads", I would change comma to semi-colon or add "as" in place of comma.
All inall, I think that you did a fantastic job with this chapter and I look forward to reading more about the adventures of the Marauders and the girls. Great work! :DAuthor's Response: Hi darling!! I'm so happy you liked the first section. I really enjoy adding the DE element to it. And Voldemort is very, very difficult for me. He and Dumbledore the top two, so I'm happy he seemed right for the most part! The sentence you pointed out does sound a bit relaxed now that I read it. Thank you for suggesting an alternative!
Younger Lucius and Bellatrix have both been a challenge, a fun one though. But I really want to capture how, at one time, Lucius's desire to be the most devoted, to be able to do the most unspeakable asks without blinking an eye lid, were very real and not as subdued as his later years. And Bellatrix, who is obviously as loyal and excited as ever, doesn't have the same sort of control she had in present day. She isn't able to contain her own emotions, her own excitement for even being around him. I'm happy that it made sense once you weighed in the de-aging aspect!
I'm so happy that you liked learning a bit more about Belle! You finally see the entire story in chapter 13. And... it was one exact incident but with the combination of a lifetime of incidents... it that makes sense. The reason for her leaving was one thing, but that one thing probably never would have happened if she hadn't had a lifetime of being raised the way she was. Okay. I'm shutting up now so you can find out for yourself in..6 chapters :P
Ahh thank you for pointing those out, and perfect timing as I'm just about to go through the most updated version of the chapters and back them up! Thank you again so much for pointing out the errors instead of just telling me they are in there, because I'd probably look right past them on accident during another proof read!
I'm so happy you liked this chapter! It was one of my favorite to write. Especially getting to finally show a transformation scene!
Thank you again, m'dear ♥ Report Review
Hello! I'm here in response to your lovely Holiday review!
Oooh- things are certainly speeding up! I really like how fast paced you're making this because it really works with the story line. A story with a lot more description would slow the story down and take away the sense of urgency that's so apparent here.
As well, I think that you did a great job here of characterizing Neville. He was definitely in character when he sympathized with Hermione. To be honest, I don't quite see how anyone could be truly furious with her when she did what she did with the best of intentions and out of emotional stress (though I do wonder if someone will yell at her later, out of frustration at the situation). As well, it was nice to read that he and the "old gang" had kept in close contact since the end of the war. His position as Head of Gryffindor House was a nice touch as well, especially since it allows him to continue teaching herbology, though I tend to picture him as the Headmaster (probably because of "Conspiracy of Blood").
But that arrogant Roger Davies... He really got on my nerves in this chapter. He was so arrogant and difficult... But I suppose that I should cut him some slack, since he didn't know about the Harry zombie. I do hope that the results arrive in time... I have a feeling that they'll be necessary in the defeat of the zombies. Perhaps there will be a drastic change in Roger's personality before then... Maybe he'll come into close contact with a zombie and realize the error of his ways...
I don't know if you realize this, but you actually switched POV midway through the chapter, from Neville to Hermione (starting at "The corridors of Hogwarts"). It's a small thing and the change definitely worked with the chapter since it allowed us to once again see into Hermione's mind. I do think that it's easily fixed (if you want to fix it): I would just include a section break before "The corridors of Hogwarts".
All in all, this chapter was thoroughly enjoyable and I look forward to reading more about the zombie crisis that seems to be developping. The cliff hanger at the end was very well done- have more zombies been created or has the carnage started?Author's Response: Hi there!!
I immediately went and added the break there, I cannot believe i never noticed that I switched points of view in the middle of the chapter! *facepalm* Throughout the rest of the story I stick rather strictly to Hermione's point of view except for in a few places. thanks so much for pointing that out though, I've given you credit in my authors note for that!
Well, Flitwick is still alive, though very elderly, so he is acting headmaster at the moment. That's not to say that Neville won't get there some day :)
Writing Roger Davies was so much fun, I liked to make him just difficult. That was my favorite part about him :)
Thank you so much again for your help and this great review! Report Review
It's Roots in Water here with your review! I'm sorry for the long delay in giving it to you. Unfortunatley, I've been really busy.
I think that you have a very good idea here; the plot is interesting and original. Poor Neville never seems to have the best of luck, does he? I really liked your characterization of Neville. He still had elements of his self-deprecating humour and he summoned his Gryffindor courage when it was most necessary (of course it wouldn't come out for anything less). I also found his comments and worries about his wedding with Hannah very amusing, accurate and believable as they were. I do hope that he finds the perfect spot for his honeymoon.
Though your characterization of Neville was fantastic, I found your characterization of Luna a little rough. Though her love for strange creatures was definitely present, I didn't think that she spoke with the proper air of mystery. In the books her comments tended to be insightful and slightly random- they never quite fit squarely into the conversation. Even though she's grown here, I think that elements of the tendency would still remain.
As I mentioned above, you have a very interesting plot here and I think that you have a lot of room to expand it. My first thought wouldn't necessarily be to expand the plot beyond what you have here but rather to explore and delve deeper into the plot points you already have. Perhaps you could have (comedic) scenes where Neville is with Hannah and they're planning their wedding... Perhaps you could show his meeting with Charlie and Luna before he went on the expedition to see the cottage.
As well, I think that you could (and should) definitely expand on the theft of dragons' eggs, especially if you're planning on turning this story into more of a mystery than action. Perhaps Neville could stumble and blunder his way into the middle of the case and somehow solve it, just like he did in this chapter with his discovery of the hidden cache of dragon eggs.
I think that your story would become just that much better (not that it's not good already, just to be clear) if you expand on the scenes you've already written. Describe more of the scenery, explore more of Neville's reasoning for being at the scene and his reasoning for his actions. I think that adding more detail to the story would also help with the flow of the story as it will give slightly more depth to the story.
However, just to be clear, I think that you have an excellent base for a story. Your characterization and plot are both interesting and largely well done. You've given yourself a lot of room to expand your story from.
All in all, your story is off to a great start and I'd be very curious to see just how you expand it. Thanks for requesting and I hope that I delivered on the "Extreme Makeover version of CC". :DAuthor's Response:
Extreme Makeover CC!!
I love it! Thanks so much for taking the time to dig into what I've done with this one-shot. Some of your ideas have been bouncing around in my head. Now all I need to do is pick a direction.
I AM having a hard time with Luna. Occasionally, I'll get some ideas, but nothing has really worked out to my satisfaction yet. Maybe the muse needs to chew more cud before we can step out on a ledge with that one. Your words regarding her characterization helped a lot. I will definitely keep the "air of mystery" and "never quite fit into the conversation" ideas in mind next time I try her.
I really had a difficult time with the word count limit when I wrote this for the challenge. The plot kept expanding out of control and I had to tear it back down to get anything cohesive to fit. That said, I do have a lot of material in my head to work with for this, but as I said before, there's that choosing the direction thing.
Thanks so much for your comments. They were Extremely helpful!! Report Review
Well- I'm back for another chapter in another installment in the Review Swap!
Wow- you've certainly move the story along quite nicely in this chapter! To begin, I really enjoyed the first scene in the story because it showed that there were more cracks in Hermione's relationship with Jonathan than just her missing past. It's not that he's a bad person... But he seems rather uncompromising and he doesn't seem to realize that Hermione doesn't enjoy the parties. He's stiff and rule-bound... And now I truly am making him seem like a bad guy. Ah well- at least Hermione has good reasons to give when she breaks up with him. Because she will. To return to Ron. And her proper life.
Ron's section was also very well done. It's nice to know for sure that the connection was felt on both sides and that he wants to figure out what's missing from his past as well. The nurse was mean, but I do understand why she wouldn't give him the information. Ron had no legal reason to be asking for it and I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't want my private information to be given out willy nilly.
And then here I thought Ron was going to have to wait for two weeks before he would be able to track Hermione down at the hospital... You've certainly made their lives a lot easier with this accidental bumping-into. Something tells me that Hermione may end up cancelling the trip she's taken with Jonathan (or at least be a lot less enthousiastic about going on it).
I liked Ginny's section in this chapter as well, especially since it means that Ginny's found a link to Ron! They're all coming together, slowly but surely, and she also has a hint about how Ron and Hermione forgot their past! Yay!
However, I do have one small piece of critique. I suggest that you include more emotional detail during the part where Ginny discovers the Memory Dust because it seems a little odd that she would go straight to the cupboard. I think that a little description about how she found the glow very curious and she couldn't deny her curiosity would really help to explain why she approached the cupboard.
All in all, I think that you're continuing to do a great job with this story! It's very interesting and definitely fast-paced, which is great because it means that we're getting much closer to Hermione and Ron's reunion! Great work! :D Report Review
Hello! I'm here for the Holiday Review Swap.
I will start off by saying that this is such a captivating beginning to a story. Starting at the end (or somewhere in the middle)... Allowing us to see just how far Viktor has fallen and the intensity (and complexity) of his emotions towards Rose Weasley... I'm very curious to see where this story will go.
I think that you've done a beautiful job with your description in this chapter. Viktor's despair (well, no, not quite despair... Depression? The low to which he's sunk?) pours off the page and the tenseness is quite evident as well.
Your characterization is very good as well. It's really interesting, because you've managed to age a character we saw only sporadically for about a book and a half believably, and put him into a situation I'm sure that no one thought would happen. Viktor Krum- involved in a relationship with someone thirty years his junior? Viktor Krum- a Quidditch has-been? Injured too badly to play?
Viktor Krum and Rose Weasley... Though the pairing is unusual, you already have me mostly sold on the idea because of the passion Viktor displayed in this chapter. It really makes me wonder what exactly happened to their relationship; how they dealt with the multitude of problems they faced, none the least of which was probably Ron and Hermione's reaction.
Your summary at the end of the chapter gives many questions and hints as to the many problems they will face during this story- but it gives no answers (as I suppose a good summary should do). I'm very curious as to where Viktor is, for the man he's with for the majority of the chapter seemed a little too rude and aggressive for a mental hospital (though I've never visited one and this could actually be typical behaviour in one...).
I'm sorry if this review seems a little jumbled- I'm a little on the tired side. But I did really enjoy this chapter and I'm certain I will read on to the next when I next have time. Great work! :DAuthor's Response: Thank you, Root. I didn't think your review was jumbled at all. I appreciate the time you took to read and review the chapter.
I'm glad you liked the characterization of Krum. He's fallen a long way from the boy in GoF, but hopefully the changes are believable. Once he's not able to do the thing he'd been famous for from such a young age, might it not sort of push him off the deep-end? At least that's part of what I'm playing with in terms of his character.
And I know the pairing is a bit odd, but it makes me glad to hear that you can already buy into it a bit. There relationship isn't all scandal. They do genuinely care for each other, and in the end, I hope that readers can root for them as a pair.
And you're right, I don't think that would be normal treatment of a patient in a mental hospital. This is actually meant to be more of a prison. It's only truly a madhouse in Krum's mind.
Thanks again for such a nice review! Report Review
Hello! What a funny coincidence: you reviewed me before I got a chance to review you like I was planning to... But now I'm finally here to return your lovely review!
You know, I don't think that I've ever read a zombie story before, or watched a zombie movie. I've been more interested in werewolves and vampires... But this story has proved to be very intriguing. For Harry to turn into a zombie... For him to be the monster in this situation... It will definitely take some time for me to wrap my head around the idea of Harry being the dangerous person (or zombie) in this story. To me, he's always been the hero.
That definitely isn't to say that this is a bad idea- just that it's very, very original and unique.
I think that you did a great job with the beginning of this story. You've set up a plausible situation in which Hermione would attempt to bring her best friend back to life, regardless of the cautions around necromancy. To be surrounded by friends who are deeply grieving... To have lost the person you are closest to in your life... To have the opportunity to fix everything through magic... I can definitely understand why she did what she did.
And the process by which she tried to reanimate Harry was logical and her desperateness answers why she would continue even when everything seemed to be going wrong.
Though I imagine that this story will become very action packed in the coming chapters (she does have to kill a zombie, after all), I think that it would be great if, in this chapter, you elaborated a little bit more on what she was feeling. After all, her actions here are driven primarily by the emotions she feels and witnesses.
However, I do think that you characterized Hermione well. As I mentioned before, your Hermione is logical and closely attached to Harry (and Ron... But he died a long time ago). She tries to let reason guide her actions, even though she occasionally lets emotion rule her actions.
All in all, I think that you're off to a great start in what is sure to be a fantastically action-filled story. Who knows- perhaps I will come to love zombies just as much as the other magical creatures. Good work! :DAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for your review!
I really enjoyed writing this first chapter, to set the stage for the action that was to come. I think Hermione is in a very fragile state here and of course she does something that is not exactly rational.
I do understand the need for more of what she was feeling. I think the reason I wrote it the way I did was that she didn't really have a lot of time to...feel, if you know what I mean. When she got the idea she just...went. But I definitely understand it and I'll take it under consideration when I edit again :) But I will say you definitely get more feeling and emotion the further you read on in the story.
Thank you so much for reading this I really appreciate it! Report Review
Hello! Since I've already reviewed every chapter of "The Joker and Her", I've picked this story to review for the Holiday Swap!
Wow- it's amazing how different your style is here from your other story and just how well you wield both styles. This story was a great blend of fluff and humour (which is also included in your other story, but not to so great an extent).
Teddy was fantastic as your narrator. He was full of small jokes and funny imagery and his voice showed wonderfully depth at the same time it showed that he was an adolescent. It was very interesting to see his thoughts on Tonks and Remus and how his life turned out; I have always pictured that he would live largely with Harry and become a part of the Weasley family and it's nice to see that we share the same headcanon. :)
It was amusing to see Teddy say that he had "calmed down" and then snarl at Hugo in the next instant. Perhaps that was his version of "calmed down" or perhaps the sight of Hugo returned him to his enraged state. Either way, it was quite funny!
I have two very small pieces of criticism: I found the timing of this piece a little unclear. At the beginning of the story Teddy says that it's been a year since their breakup but as the story progressed it seemed like it was only the September/October that they broke up. Did a year pass between their break up and the beginning of Victoire's relationship with Prang? It would be great if that section could be clarified a little.
Secondly, though I love the ending, I think that it would flow more smoothly if you changed "I think it suits me" to "It suited me". The repetition of "I think" was slightly jarring.
All in all, I think that you did a fantastic job with this fluffy and very cute piece. I loved your characterization of Teddy in it and I do hope that Victoire and Teddy are soon going to resume their relationship. In my very humble opinion they're fantastic together. Great work! :DAuthor's Response: Hi! Sorry it took so long for me to respond to this review, I usually do it immediately.
I'm so glad you like it! I wrote it on a whim for a Challenge when I was feeling a little blockage for 'Joker' so I'm happy it seems to be just as good :)
Thank you for the tips, both of them are very relevant and I will see what I can do to improve those bits :) Thank you!
Thank you for the review! Report Review
Hello! Just to let you know, I probably would have chosen this story even if you had had another one posted because I liked the one's summary a lot, especially the part in italics.
And the beginning of your story definitely lived up to your summary. Wow- just wow. I think that you did an absolutely fabulous job of writing George's feelings immediately after Fred died. The detached manner, the hazy and distant feelings... It worked perfectly to bring his grief alive.
The first section was heart-breaking. It was very interesting to see George deny seeing Fred die in a way that made it seem as though he had been standing right beside him the moment it happened. Its last line was very powerful too, because it speaks of impossibilities and regrets and what-ifs.
I had just one small critique about that section. With "slow-mo", I think that it would fit the flow of the story better if you wrote it out in full as "slow-motion". But that's just personal opinion, of course. :)
The second section was very interesting because I'd never before considered that George might imitate/try to become Fred. The comments in the brackets about his body features being Fred's were a wonderful touch but this- this was heartbreaking all over again because it was such a desparate attempt to convince himself that Fred was not dead. It also showed that Fred being alive was more important than him being alive- a sentiment that I'm sure that Fred shared. It shows just how deep their bond ran- and still runs.
As I mentioned before, I think that you did a fantastic job with your writing style in this chapter. It worked extremely well in the last section, because of course George would not care as much about the war after Fred's death. Of course he would be too detached from the world due to his shock and grief that he wouldn't pay much attention to the fight that determined the war. Of course, of course, of course... It all worked together wonderfully.
All in all, I think that you've done a beautiful job with your first chapter and I'm very eager to return for the second chapter. Great work! :DAuthor's Response: Hello Roots! Thanks so much for your review and all your lovely comments! Sorry it's taken me quite a few days to respond. I'm really glad you enjoyed reading my story...I think I did struggle a bit to write the Weasley twins. They're not the easiest characters! Hopefully I'll be able to go deeper into their heads and explore their characters a little bit more with future chapters. Sigh. Fred's death was not only one of the saddest moments in the series for me...but it was also pretty shocking. It just...happened out of nowhere. I have tried to convey this sense of shock in this chapter through George's POV. I'm glad you think I'm convincing :D
And yes, the "slow-mo" bit might have been a bit too colloquial, I suppose. I'll probably change it to see how it sounds!
Thanks so much once again for you fabulous review! And thanks for choosing to do the swap with me :) Happy holidays!
-teh Report Review
Hello! Your summary was so very intriguing and I'm very curious to see what this story will reveal.
Wow. I really enjoyed reading this story and I think that you have a really original plot idea. I've never read a story before from the point of view of a muggle during a Death Eater attack but it's a really curious topic to explore, since it would have happened a lot.
One of the things I like the most about this story is how plausible it is. Draco didn't want to torture anyone. He didn't enjoy being a Death Eater. But he wouldn't risk his neck overly much for muggles- if the opportunity hadn't arose, he probably wouldn't have done a thing to stop the torturing. The fact that he never sought her out afterwards further shows that he wasn't interested in becoming a hero or seeking contact with muggles.
But it's very interesting that because the opportunity arose and because he let her run away, the girl believes that he's a hero. It's also very interesting to see how once the veil is lifted just once, a muggle can begin to see magic everywhere. Intriguing...
It's actually kind of sad that everyone was obliviated, though it does make sense. It prevents more troubles from occurring, by keeping the Wizarding World a secret and protects the muggles from panicking over the more powerful witches and wizards. However, it's left this poor girl to struggle to comprehend that night by herself. If she tried to spread it around more, she probably would even be considered insane... Luckily, she didn't.
I noticed two typos as I was reading and I'll quickly point them out. To begin, with the phrase "even my wildest dreams could conjure" I believe you meant "couldn't", since you used "even". As well, with the phrase "ignoring he statement" you forgot the "r" at the end of "her".
All in all, I think that this was a very original and enjoyable read. Great work! :D Report Review
Hello! I haven't read too many stories centered around the Weasley children when they were young but I'm really glad that I read this one. This was such a cute story and I really enjoyed reading it.
First of all, your characterizations were amazingly well done. Percy curious and sweet and such a precious child and Molly was a fantastic mother, just like always. I really liked how you incorporated the desire to have something of your own because in a family of seven children it's not often that something is only yours.
The manner in which you managed to capture the essence of the Weasley family is quite eery because everything you managed seemed as though it had been taken straight from canon, making this a true "missing moment".
Molly's story was fantastic! I really liked how she made small mistakes in her telling because it made it more believable than if it was perfect. She was, after all, making it up on the fly. Her comment about getting Arthur to tell him the story of reproduction was very amusing. Good thought, Molly! The story was yet another example of how good a mother she is- it managed to both soothe Percy and give him something of his own to hold onto.
The only constructive criticism that I would give is that the last line of the story seemed a little out of place with the rest of the story- specifically, the part "alothough he does not know why". I don't understand why Percy wouldn't know why he leaves the door open; surely he would still have some faint memory of the story Molly told him and thus some inkling as to why he leaves the door open (which is a really cute idea, by the way).
All in all I think that you did an absolutely fabulous job with this story. It's such a cute story that fits seamlessly into the Weasley family history and it's definitely going into my favourites. Great work! :DAuthor's Response: I'm so happy you liked this! I wrote this for a bedtime stories challenge a while back, and drew Percy as the child to whom the story was being told. I was really excited to be able to write about a young version of him, diluting his pomp with the innocence and playfulness of being young. I liked the chance to be able to write Molly in her element as a mother, balancing her sternness with her motherly affection.
I'm not sure exactly why I chose to say that Percy doesn't know why he keeps his wardrobe open; I think it was because Percy is, above all, an extremely serious person. He takes himself perhaps more seriously than anything else in the world. So the idea of keeping his wardrobe door open for an imaginary elf would probably not sit well with his high opinion of himself, so he's chosen to forget the particulars. But on a subconscious level, it's still there. :)
Thank you so much for reading and for your lovely review! Report Review
This was a very interesting piece to read- and very different from "All that Glitters". It's very interesting to see the contrast between the situations and the difference in the characters' reactions... Here, Molly rapidly breaks down over the break up of her relationship. There, Eleanor is slowly worn down by the war. I think that you've done a fantastic job of writing both of the very separate reactions.
I really liked your style of writing here. It was detached, which worked perfectly (:D) with Molly's feelings. She felt apart from the world, touching down only in explosive moments. As well, the repetition of the word "perfect" and its opposite was beautifully done because it really emphasized Molly's loss and incomprehension of the situation. Everything had been perfect- why had it broken down? Why was her life destructing around her?
I'm very curious as to why Lysandar broke up with her. I noticed a small hint when you wrote "the dull and the bright", which I took to mean that Lysandar was very intelligent and Molly sometimes felt inadequate next to him. And then it seems that Lysandar wanted something different... Though I don't think that he wanted Molly to change, necessarily. My guess is that he felt that there was something missing from their relationship. Am I close? :)
I noticed one small typo: with the phrase"gleaming were pictures" I think you meant "where" instead of "were".
As well, I noticed that several times you wrote Molly's thoughts into the story. I think that you should italicize them, so that it's clear that they're thoughts, or else it can become slightly confusing between the dialogue and the description. :)
I think that you did a great job with the ending because it really highlghts Molly's mental troubles as well as giving her a poor and sad sense of triumph.
All in all, I really enjoyed reading this story and I think that you did a great job of creating an emotional scene with such few words. Great work! :DAuthor's Response: Hey Roots! Sorry for the massive delay in responding to this! I didn't get a ton of review swaps, however, they all came within a few days and they sort of piled up...
I'm really glad you liked the style of this. It was, and still is for that matter, one of my favourite pieces to write. It was done more in a stream of conscious style trying to capture this moment where someone's life completely falls apart. Also, Molly's own slight OCD tendencies and all her plans for the future made it that much more startling and horrifying to see to an extent. It wasn't something she could put into her schema's because none of it made sense because they were 'supposed' to be together forever, their plans said so.
Why Lysander left? I understand why you wonder and i left that more up to the reader in this as i was more interested to see Molly's reaction to his betrayal. Though, i'd say he left partly because there was something missing but mostly because he couldn't be part of her perfect little picture anymore, he couldn't be the perfect man for her perfect version of the world. Sometimes, things just cave, the stop existing, the love he felt for her once drifted away or was lost. Which is why she asks him "am i perfect now Lysander?" it's sort of quoting back to him some of his words that he said to her during his explanation. The dull and the bright, is almost like you said but i imagined it more like him bright like a flame, his character shone and she felt dull and lifeless next to him.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful review! I really appreciate it so much and i'm glad you liked the ending, so many stories end with hope, that the character has learned from their mistakes, Molly just falls right back into her old patterns though because it's the only thing she knows how to do.
Thanks again!! :P Report Review
Aha! I've finally come to a chapter that I haven't reviewed yet (though it's been quite some time since I last reviewed this story. Oops). And it looks like I stopped before just before the story really picked up (as so nicely described by the chapter's title, "Catalyst").
Once again I am amazed by your fabulous characterization. Snape in this chapter was transformed perfectly into a teenager. His comments about the simplicity of potions and how anybody should be able to figure out its problems strongly reminded me of his comments during Harry's potions classes. You mixed in adolescent clumsiness very well as well- he managed to wound himself... *sigh* Oh Severus...
The characterization of Lily and Regulus (along with all of the other characters) was fabulous as well. I agree with you that it makes sense that Lily was a Prefect (I even think that it's also a part of my own headcanon). Lily's outrage over James and Sirius' treatment of Snape worked so well and I like Regulus' continued thoughts about his superiority over muggle-borns. He wouldn't be him without those thoughts, however prejudiced they may be.
Just a quick note: in the potions scene, I didn't notice Regulus or Wilkes putting the blob of flobberworm mucus into the potion, though they were dismissed from class. I supposed it was implied, though, since Regulus mentioned it working in the next scene.
As well, your description was beautifully done. All of the settings were crystal clear in my mind and you portrayed the reactions of the characters very well.
All in all, I think that you did a great job with this chapter and I promise that I will continue on with the rest of the chapters. I will not leave them unread! :DAuthor's Response: Hello, thanks for coming by! I'm sorry that this response has taken a while to get to you.
Oh, I'm so glad you liked Severus in this chapter! He has been such a challenge for me, in trying to flesh out all of his complexities, both the intriguing and the disturbing ones. It is interesting to note that on the one hand, he's got this fine, expert skill in the potions laboratory, and then on the other he can't even hold his own in a physical fight.
It's great that you liked Lily and Regulus, too. Regulus has been as much of a challenge as Severus, in terms of trying to contrast his Black family values with his continued growth and maturity and his confused feelings. I'm glad you feel like it makes sense for Lily to be a Prefect and that you liked how she reacted to the fight between Severus, James, and Sirius.
Yeah, I meant for that to be implied. Sorry if that was unclear--I might go back and look at it later.
I'm pleased to hear that you liked the descriptions and felt like the behavior was natural. I do hope you return sometime soon!
Thanks for your very kind review :)
-Amanda Report Review
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