Hey Amanda! I'm here to return your review - I'm sorry it's taken me so long to actually write it.
I think that you did a great job with this chapter! I particularly liked the opening scene in which James watches the Marauder's Map for Lily's dot. Although it's not something I've read him doing before, it's definitely something that I can picture him doing. After all, it's a way to watch over her without getting too close to her and thus annoying her.
I really liked the small details you included in this chapter. As always, your descriptions really made the story come alive for me and your characterization was great. Severus' line about Lily having to love him back was great because not only did it show the ferocity of his emotions for her, it also showed the creepier or more desperate side to them. He cannot accept that she might not return his affections.
Another one of my favourite moments in this chapter was when Lily told Regulus that if he wanted her to make an effort with Severus, then he would have to make the same effort with Sirius. It was such a great turnabout and her reasoning made sense. Of course her condition would act as just that: a condition, one that would allow her to stop her efforts with Severus if Regulus didn't make any changes to his relationship with Sirius. It was clever of her to have a safety like that.
I did have a few questions and comments, though, as I was reading. To begin, who's Celestina, the witch that you mentioned in the beginning? Is she a character that you've mentioned previously that I've just forgotten (sorry if this is the case). If not, it sounded a little weird to have a new name be included out of the blue like that. I would've just described her without using a name.
As well, I noticed a few point-of-view changes from Regulus to Lily during their negotiation scene. I'm not sure if you were intending to change the POV, but I thought I'd point it out, just in case. The changes didn't negatively affect the flow of the story, in any case.
I really did love your characterization in this chapter. I think that you did a great job with Lily and Regulus- their thoughts, their reasoning, their actions... It all fit so well with what we already know of them. However, I was a little surprised by the mention of both Severus and Sirius crying. I would have thought that they'd both try and hide this "weakness" from the others. Crying just seems so vulnerable, an action that I imagine would be especially unwelcome in the Slytherin common room.
All in all, I really enjoyed this chapter and I'm eager to see how this deal between Lily and Regulus will affect the canon we all know and love. Will Sirius and Regulus actually become close as brothers again? Will Severus and Lily repair their friendship? Ah well... There always has to be some questions, in order to keep the readers coming back for more. Great work! :)Author's Response: No, that's fine! It may take me a while to return the next one, due to the fact that my real life has booked up my calendar for the month.
I tried to draw some parallels between James and Severus in this chapter. One thing that I think often plays out in James's favor is that he's this handsome, popular guy. I would bet that if it had been Severus reading the Marauder's Map and staring at Lily's dot, people wouldn't have found it nearly as endearing as they have in the reviews so far. I have to wonder what the reaction would have been if it had been James railing about needing Lily's love and crying in the common room. It's been really interesting for me to toy with both Severus's bad side and James's good side and to switch them up in this story.
I also wanted to step away from the characterization of Lily as this frail flower. She's too smart to just go with this bet idea without having some kind of failsafe in place, and everyone has some kind of selfish side. The conflict between her heart and her mind will come into play more as the bet gets ever more tangled and more gets put on the line.
Celestine was actually introduced back in chapter two along with Lily's other best friend, Ellery. You'll probably remember her if you step back and re-read that :) No worries!
I have tried to play with point-of-view in many of my recent stories, just because I think it's interesting and I like shaking things up, so the changes there were probably deliberate. I will go back and check just to make sure, though. Thanks for pointing them out to me.
The comment you made about crying is helpful. I think it makes slightly more sense with Severus, since he obviously doesn't have good emotion regulation and can sometimes be socially inappropriate when he's upset. I can see why it would be odd for him to break down in front of Regulus, though, since he didn't know him all that well that this point. Sirius, though, even in front of James--I agree that the crying is a little weird for him, too. I'll go back and take a look to see what I can do.
Thanks for this lovely review, Claire :)
-Amanda Report Review
I am so sorry for how long it's taken me to get around to actually reviewing this, but I'm here now, for what it's worth. :)
I definitely think that you have an interesting beginning! From what I gathered, this story is more of a medieval-AU than a straight-up Hogwarts canon and I really liked that- those sorts of stories are my favourite. You can have so much fun exploring the stricter society of the medieval era and with magic included... :)
As well, I thin kthat you've done a good job with setting up a solid base for the rest of the story. Already we can see that there's tension between Lucius Malfoy and the Grangers and that Narcissa has plans for the children to play together. In the sentence "he wouldn't remember the muggles, they wouldn't remember him" I can already see trouble brewing... The children will remember each other- Draco and Hermione in particular.
Even though I realize that this is a prologue, I wish that you'd expanded each section. You have such a great idea and I'd have loved to have been able to more fully meet each character in their scenes. As well, more detail would allow readers to better visualize the setting and plot of the story while also helping to smooth the transitions between sections so that they're not abrupt.
I'm also very curious as to why Hermione's father turned to his son for money... Is Alistor old enough to have a job? I'm very interested to learn more about the Granger family dynamics.
The wolves are an interesting addition as well. From your description of them they seem as though they could be some sort of werewolf or animagus... They're present and smart enough to be some sort of transformed human. I wonder what role they'll play in your story...
All in all, I think that you're off to a good start with your story. You have what seems to be an interesting idea for a plot and I'm interested to see where you take it. I'd just suggest that you include more details in your chapters so that the scenes are written more fully (so that the reader can visualize your characters and their actions). Great work and I'm sorry for taking this long to respond with my review!Author's Response: Thanks!! Right now I just don't have time to write but I'll try tomorrow, it's the WEEKEND!! LOL Report Review
Hello! I'm back again for the second of my two reviews as a prize for winning Hufflepuff's Writer's Duel!
I'm still really enjoying this story and the little developments you're adding. The relationship between Edie and Oliver certainly is rocky, which, of course, just makes it all the more interesting. I'm finding that Oliver is a very difficult character to figure out- he has a very rough personality on the outside, but we know nothing (or at least very little) about how he feels on the inside. He lets little bits show through, like his comment about preferring to be alone, and his long-term relationship with Katie Bell, but the majority he keeps hidden. It makes me wonder how on earth Edie is going to be able to write an entire article on his personality.
I still feel that he's mostly "good", that through his rough patches he's a nice guy. I'm having mixed feelings about the angle Edie wants to write in her next article... Though I understand why she's angry with him, I don't think she should be digging solely to find the nasty parts of his personality. Who knows... Perhaps the time she spends with him will make her hesitate before publishing another negatively-toned article.
By the way, I think that you included a fantastic detail when you wrote that Oliver wanted to get back on the field as soon as possible, even though he knew that it might mean possible permanent damage to his limbs. It did a great job of showing the depth of his love and fascination with Quidditch, without coming right out and saying that Quidditch is his life. I just hope that he won't reach the point of permanent damage... Enjoyment is great and all, but what about afterwards, when you can no longer do what you love at all? (I do doubt that you'll let it get to that point, though).
This chapter was particularly interesting because Oliver was very adament that he wasn't going to discuss the Christmas charity event. I was curious as to why he'd brought it up- he obviously has a very low opinion of the types of articles that Witch Weekly and just about every other magazine writes and I doubt that they typically write derogatory articles about celebrities like him.
I really liked the inclusion of her brothers. They seemed like really fun people (especially when her oldest younger brother grabbed her from behind), though I definitely agreed with Edie about the whole club idea. I understand why she went "mother-part-two" on them- I probably would have done the same with my own younger brothers.
All in all, I think that you're continuing to do a great job with this story. I'm very conflicted over the characters- you've done such a great job of humanizing them without trying to make it obvious that that's what you're trying to do. (By the way, I'm curious about Dean's reaction when she got dressed up for the restaurant... He seemed oddly quiet). Congrats for winning! :DAuthor's Response: Hello again! ♥
Yes, Oliver is quite hard to understand isn't he? It's one of the dangers of being somebody who has been misunderstood by the main character. It's safe to say that Edie has wrongfully judged him. But we're in that state of limbo where we're not entirely sure exactly what Oliver is like, so he is difficult even for the reader to understand. I've been trying to find the balance between sufficiently mysterious and too vague. Hopefully he's not the latter!
I'm having mixed feelings about her article too! haha. She's a very impulsive person, and she felt like everything in her life was falling apart so she's decided to take it out on him. Of course some of the bad things that happened are his fault. But she's so angry and quick-tempered, and sees this article as an outlet for her frustrations, that she hasn't really stopped to think. Then as she gets to know him better, she begins having second thoughts. She's in a very rough place right now. She has to choose between the chance to finally advance her career, or acknowledging that she could be entirely wrong about this person, and not writing the second article.
Yeah, I liked that bit about Oliver wanting to get "back on the broom" too. I guess he and Edie share their impulsive qualities, eh? ;3 Not to mention how much he values and loves Quidditch.
I think I understand your comment about the St. Mungo's charity, and I hope I'm answering it correctly xD Edie thought that she was going to be doing this huge, earth-shattering move when she decided to try and expose his decision not to donate. But when she got to the interview, and he was the one who brought it up, she realized that he's been asked time and time again. He's consistently refused to comment on it. Clearly he doesn't value a lot of pop-culture journalism, as he doesn't even read his own publicity. He has a bad taste in his mouth because everybody has tried to figure out "the answer" of the donation issue. And then Edie had to face that her "crusade" against him wasn't this big unique idea, like she thought it was. She kind of views herself as this vigilante, in some ways. A big part of this story is her realization that she's not as politically charged as she thinks. I hope that makes sense! I want to give a good explanation but I also don't want to spoil anything.
As the eldest sibling myself, I feel very protective over my sister. Without getting too personal, there was--and still is--a lot of pressure from my parents to be "the good example" for her, at times to the point of their negligence to me. So while some readers disagree with Edie's harsh reaction to Oliver, I totally understand and even sympathise. I know what it's like to try and direct a younger sibling away from something harmful, and only to be laughed at and called a stick in the mud. I don't think slapping him was the best decision she's made, but I can understand why she felt so frustrated.
Thank you so much for these reviews. I hope my responses aren't too long--you just pointed out a lot of things that I've been dying to talk about. And I've had three cups of coffee xD Report Review
Hello! I am here with (one of) your long overdue reviews for winning the Writer's Duel. And I can certainly understand why it won!
This story is very enjoyable. I was actually intending to stop and review it a few chapters ago but I couldn't resist reading on to see what would happen between Edie and Oliver. I think that one of my favourite things about this story so far is Edie's voice. She provides a very humorous narration - her comments on the people around her are quite funny!
As well, I really like the situation you've created between Oliver and Edie. In particular, I really liked how, even though he's sorta redeemed himself in this chapter with his apology, he's still committed questionable actions, such as the non-donation to the Children's Ward. Though I feel like there will be an explanation for this, at the moment it really prevents him from being seen as a heroic or saintly character.
I was actually sorta shocked by his behaviour a few chapters ago, though I did find it amusing that he'd masqueraded as Victor Krum for the night. I mean- Oliver Wood, the boy who seemed to live, breathe and dream Quidditch, potentially harming his Quidditch career by drinking? However, Oliver's had years to change... The influence of a very public and popular career... And he participated in the war, which would also have had lasting effects on him.
Another thing that I really liked about this story is that you've really carved out a unique niche for Edie in the Wizarding world. While she's friends with enough canon characters that she's grounded in our knowledge of it, you haven't tried to fit her into the lives of the Golden Trio and their familes. It's nice and refreshing to read a story that features Dean and Seamus (and you do such a good job with them too!).
As well, I really enjoyed the twist you've taken with her career path. Though working in an underappreicated job is an often-taken route, you've made her workplace come alive with her interesting complaints and stories. I'm very curious to see where this article arch will take her... And just how long it will take before she's discovered. I have a feeling that Ms Blakeshee is fond of her and will probably take her side once the truth is revealed.
I'm also very intrigued to see how the article arch will fit into Oliver's story... And how he will react once he sees the negative tone she took with it. However, he did take a WEEK to finally speak with her and apologize... Which is much too long if the person you're apologizing to is writing an article about you!
I think that I could go on for quite a bit more about what I've enjoyed in this story so far, but I shall stop myself here. (Oh! One more thing! I really like how you're including the issue with the female goblins not obtaining work and I'm really curious to see where it'll intersect with the larger story). So, all in all, I think that you've done a great job with the story up until this point and congrats on winning the Hufflepuff Writer's Duel! :)Author's Response: Wow, this review! Thanks so much! I wasn't sure if I was officially considered winner of the Writer's Duel, because the polls never closed xD But that's so exciting to hear, thanks so much!
A lot of this story is (unintentionally) similar to Pride and Prejudice, I'm finding. It happened on accident, because I wanted Edie to have--at least what she thought to be--a legitimate reason to dislike Oliver. I wanted this to be a story where the two characters don't like one another at first, but I wanted it to be realistic. Hence she found him attractive at the pub, and when she met him again in this chapter she felt interested in him. But then a series of things happened to make her dislike him. She thinks a lot of the events were his fault, and whether that's true or not, it's the reason she dislikes him. I didn't want this to be an I HATE OLIVER WOOD WE ARE RIVALS HE IS SO ARROGANT BUT ALWAYS FLIRTS WITH ME AND FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON I CAN'T STAND HIM UGH story ;3
Hmm, you're right--his decision to drink so much could surely be detrimental to his career. I actually hadn't thought about that! But his "reasoning" still trumps that, at least in his eyes. It's revealed a bit in chapter thirteen, but you make a really strong point. So I'll do my best to give a better explanation as to why this Quidditch-obsessed person doesn't take better care of his career. Thanks!
I can't say it enough: I LOVE minor characters. There are so many things about their backstories that we never really get to hear about. For example, Dean thought he was Muggle-born when he went to Hogwarts. But later he found that his father was a Wizard, and left he and his mother in order to save their lives. He didn't want to put them in danger after the first War. After he left them he was asked to join the Death Eaters, and when he refused, was killed. There's so much that could be explored there--and which explains why Dean became so active during the War in DH. And it gives Edie and Dean something in common, with not having their fathers around. Minor characters deserve attention too!
I think that you're right--Blakeslee is a bit fond of Edie. In a very quiet and reserved way. But she's still career-driven enough to not trust her with any major assignments. After all, she could certainly have gone over Mr. Ward's head and given Edie better jobs at her internship. But she hasn't. This will definitely come into play later ;3
YES. The female Goblins thing was a last-minute addition, and was just meant to be mentioned once, briefly, to show Edie's interest in feminism. But then the plunnies hit me, and it's going to be a recurring thing in the story :D
THANK YOU SO MUCH for this lovely (and helpful!) review. I really appreciate it. ♥ Report Review
It's Roots in Water here with your (very much delayed) review!
I think that this is the first piece of yours that I've read that's written in first person... And though it's different from your other works, it's just as good. Moreover, I think that the first person style really helped with the portrayal of James' character in this piece. It allowed you to explore and expand upon his thoughts in a manner impossible in third person, and this exploration was crucial in the first part of the story. James' confusion, his attempt to figure out what he was missing, why he was in the white blankness... it worked beautifully with the first person style.
James himself was really well characterized. I really liked the lightness of the beginning section, before he remembered why he was there. Not only did it do a great job of lightening the tone of the story but it also really allowed the more famous side of James' character to shine through. The path of the pranking war was great!
And then when James realized what had happened to him... His denial and path towards acceptance of what had happened, mixed in with thoughts about Lily and Harry, was heart-wrenching. The depth of his love for his family was painfully obvious and when he thought about bargains for being able to hold Harry again.
Furthermore, I really liked how he didn't immediately accept that Peter had betrayed them, for obviously the possibility of betrayal from him wouldn't have surfaced at all in his mind if he had decided to trust him with their secret. As well, his thoughts about Sirius were also really well done. His immediate realization of the repercussions of their deception on Sirius, as well as the accounting of why Dumbledore wouldn't have known that Sirius was not the Secret Keeper, were great additions to the story.
I think that one of the things I most enjoyed about this story was how you included small pieces of their ordinary day-to-day life in it. They grounded the piece but, more than that, they added life to James' relationships. His life, though dramatic, was also composed of the ordinary and that was the part that would have gotten him through the war. I loved how you showed this .
I noticed one thing as I was reading through. With these sentences "You know they're dead, though. They're dead because you couldn't keep them safe" you shifted to second person. I didn't know if you'd done this on purpose, to show James' mental distress at this point, but I thought I'd point it out just in case.
Finally, I'm really curious to know what Lily believes that they're waiting for. I can't think of an instance in the books that would have required them to be in an area separate from the main realm of Death... Not the Mirror of Erised, nor the moment with the connection between the phoenix wands... Nor with the Resurection stone (unless I'm going about this totally wrong).
All in all, I think that you did a great job with your portrayal of their moments immediately after death. I'm really glad that Lily realized that Harry was still alive- at least that took some of their worry from their shoulders. Thanks for requesting a review and I'm sorry that it was so late!Author's Response: Hi, Roots!
This is the second story I've written in first person, the other being Surrender to the Night. It's an interesting thing to do. When it works well, it's really rewarding. When it doesn't... ick! Also, you wind up having to backtrack and rewrite passages pretty often because you forget and fade into a different voice. I'm glad you thought it worked well for this story, because I felt the same way. It was really important to get inside James's head and really let the reader roll with the punches, so to speak.
I'm really happy that you thought I wrote James well. After beta reading quite a few chapters for Jami as she writes Before They Fall, I like to think I have some idea of what makes the guy tick, but it's good to hear it from somebody else. It wasn't really fun to write the immediate aftermath of his realization, but necessary.
I'm with you on this one: I thing that being betrayed by Peter would have been the furthest thing from James's mind. Peter is such a follower and James and Sirius did so much for him over the years that I highly doubt James even considered the possibility before Lily whipped out Occam's Razor on him.
I think that one of the most important things to keep sight of in any good James/Lily story is that they weren't the saintly, almost super-human people that they're often made out to be. They were a pair of 21-year-olds with a one-year-old son living under incredibly trying circumstances. They were human, with all the flaws and shortcomings that go along with that condition. Grounding their lives in simple, sometimes mundane details helps to reinforce that.
In that line you pointed out, I had it in my head that James was addressing himself inside his own head. I can see how it sounds out of place, though. I'll take another look at it in context.
I don't know that Lily has any idea what they're waiting for, only that it involves Harry and he's going to need them. Call it mother's intuition. Anyway, I think this sort of purgatory they've existing in is symbolic of the fact that they have unfinished business in the world of the living before they can truly let go.
I'm really, really happy that you liked it and thought it was good. And please don't ever worry about the timing of your reviews! You do so much for the other authors on HPFF, we're all thankful for whatever time you're able to make. Thanks so much for all of your awesome reviews! Report Review
It's Roots in Water here with your review! Sorry for the delay in writing it!
It finally happened! They finally kissed! :) I think that one of the things that I liked the most about your portrayal of their first kiss is that it seemed very natural. It worked beautifully within the context of their situation. It wasn't a giant, overly-dramatic moment- the war/danger of the time period lends more than enough dramatics to the situation. The slowness, the natural-ness of it, also fit wonderfully within their current relationship. They're both very hesitant and cautious with each other at the moment, afraid of losing each other and ruining their friendship. A rushed kiss would have destroyed that effect. Instead, you managed to keep the thoughtfulness of their relationship intact while increasing the emotional power of it.
As well, I really liked how you wrote the scene. Too many times I see these "first" scenes written purely from a physical angle... This manner, for me, only detracts from the scene itself because they are ignoring the most important part of it: the emotional aspect. I loved how you focused on his feelings both during and surrounding the moment: his joy, his worry, his thoughtfulness. It made their first kiss truly feel like a momentous occasion, just as it was meant to be.
As well, I'm very interested to see how their relationship will progress. Their relationship is still in a very grey area of "undefined romance" but at least they've cleared the air about their feelings for one another. Lily can rest easy, knowing that he won't start dating another girl (not that there was even a chance that he would do so in the first place).
Oh! One more thing about that scene! I really liked it when Lily said that they couldn't kiss in the Heads' room. Not only was it so very much her, but it also did double duty in ensuring that the Heads' room cliche would never rear its head in this story. Brilliantly done!
I think that you also did a great job with the discussion between the Marauders. It's definitely very clear that their argument came about because they care about each other... And the fact that it takes so long for one of them to give in just further shows the depth of their friendship. They are all willing to risk themselves to protect each other... And I continue to be so happy that you include Peter in discussions like these. He was a part of the Marauders, after all!
It will be interesting to see how this protectiveness translates during their time as a part of the Order of the Phoenix, because they will probably take on tasks that will separate them from each other, perhaps even on the days of the full moon... But that's a thought for a future time. :)
I think that you did a good job with Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore. I didn't notice anything glaringly (or even weakly) out of character with them.
I do have a comment about the letter, though. First of all, I think that you did a fantastic job of capturing Petunia's manner of writing/speaking and the confused mixture of feelings she holds towards Lily. I'm very eager to see how she and Vernon will react to James... That will surely be an interesting encounter! However, I was wondering if it would be possible to italicize the letter, especially since you broke it into several pieces. I just think that it would make it easier to identify its contents. :)
As well, I noticed a few typos that I'll quickly point out. To begin, with the phrase "your worth half the time", it should be "you're" and with the phrase "hurting a slugs feelings", it should be "slug's". With the phrase "the attackers original plan" it should be "attacker's" and with "get comfortable on is lap" it should be "his". Finally, with "into him we enough" it should be "was" instead of "we" and with "to say be both made" it should be "we" instead of "be".
All in all, I think that you did a great job with this chapter. The feelings between the characters were expressed very well- everything felt very natural and realistic. As well, just as a reminder, I think that you did a great job with the interaction between Lily and James here! Thanks for requesting a review! It was my pleasure to read and review! :DAuthor's Response: Hi Roots! (You know, I really want to call you by a real name. Haha).
They finally kissed!! Showing that James and Lily fell for one another because of who they are and not because of the war is one of my biggest goals. Of course the time they were living in enhanced their desire to do things like get married, but it's one of my biggest goals to show a true love story. I'm so happy that you felt like it was natural ♥
I love the unsure sort of position they're in. They care about each other so much but are so confused and young and ugh I love it haha. But you're right, there's no way he'll be dating anyone else anytime soon.
Ahh that was exactly what I wanted to show! Yes, they did just kiss in the Heads Quarters, but no, that's not going to turn into a love den :P. Thank goodness for Lily and her logical, rule following brain :P
Peter has become so much easier for me to write than he used to be. I actually find myself sticking up for him when he's left out now. I'm really excited for book two where we start seeing what happens to Peter to get him at the point he ends up.
Oh gosh I thought I'd edited this to italicize the letter. I must've forgot the opening tag. Thank you so much for pointing that out! I'm really happy that you thought the letter was well done. One of the newer chapters is the one that shows the dinner, and I have to say writing Vernon ended up being so much more fun than I thought it would be, haha.
Thank you so much for the typos! I'm going back and editing them in the second I submit this. I always feel like my chapters are so polished after a review from you, hehe. I love it. And I know I say this all the time, but thank you again for pointing the actual typos out.
I can't tell you how happy it makes me that you think that characters and their interactions are well done ♥ thank you so much for stopping by for another amazing review ♥
Jami Report Review
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
To start off, let me just say that as soon as you said you had based this story off of a rumour you found online, I was very eager to find exactly what rumour you meant. My mind was racing in many different directions in an attempt to figure out which rumour you meant... And I finally felt like I had a solid lead at the end of the scene with Bathilda Bagshot.
Jumping forwards to the end of the story, I really liked how you wrote the end of the story. This whole piece felt as though it was centered around Lily's secret and by revealing the big secret in the last lines, it gave the ending a very powerful feeling and a definite sense of conclusion.
As well, I really liked how you included Bathilda Bagshot in this story. Though it's been a little while since I've read the HP series, I still remember the mentions of her being friends with the young Potter couple and it was nice to see you bringing these mentions to the forefront in this story. It makes sense that Lily would lean on an older woman that she views as trustworthy for advice during the very troubled times of the War.
Bathilda Bagshot's views about the war were also very interesting and well done- you did a great job of getting inside the (potential) mindset of an elderly woman. The alternative perspective or regrets of seeing a young life cut short was very intriguing. However, the small moment where Bathilda said "Children, that's what you are" in an unpleasant tone threw me a little bit because the unpleasantness seemed so strange for the conversation and the characters, particularly since Bathilda seems to hold no negative feeligs towards the couple and is simply very sad and regretful about her observations of the war.
Back to your actual questions, though! I think that you did a great job of describing the anxiety and depression Lily would be feeling in her situation. I think I would be feeling very confused, nervous and frightened if I was in her position: trying to raise a targeted child with the chance to bring another fragile and vulnerable child into the world. They are in far from the ideal situation and she couldn't be certain of James' reaction, not when he'd been acting differently.
But James' actions work well within the context of the story as well. It would be weirder and a lot less realistic if neither of them was affected at all by the War. It's perfectly clear that James is suffering from being trapped and feeling oppressed by the War and its consequences. There is no real upside to it and he's left doing a chore that he simultaneously hates and likes doing: gardening.
I noticed two very small mistakes as I was reading through. The first one was with the phrase "very little ingredient to make the potion"- I think that you're missing a few words; should it actually be "very little of the ingredients necessary to make..."? The second one was with the phrase "present from Moody for Harry‚s christening"- you missed the "a" at the beginning. :)
I could be missing something really obvious (and wouldn't that make me look silly?) but why was she lamenting the loss of three/two children? Who was the third child who died that day, other than Harry and the unborn child?
As well, why would their Polyjuice supply be depleted? Was Lily using it to hide her pregnancy? I can't seem to quite figure out why the Polyjuice is needed...
All in all, I think that you did a great job with this story! It does a great job of exploring a rumour that I have also heard floating around the Internet. I hope that I've covered all of your concerns/questions and thanks for requesting a review! Report Review
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
Wow- how nice it is to be back in the world of Brienne. I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but you're doing a fantastic job of weaving in the events of the "Prisoner of Azkaban" and melding them with the events of Brienne's life. Not only does it help to make the story more realistic and tied into the world of Harry Potter but it's also really nice to "read" the third book in the series again. It's been too long since I last gave everything a read through.
I absolutely loved the reactions everyone had to Brienne's statement. Even though they were shocked and had some doubts about the severity of her statement, they were still worried and tried to comfort her. It was really sweet to see George hold her like that, especially because of the level trust and understanding that it conveyed.
Their disbelief about the severity of her statement was not mean or meant to be hurtful. Instead, it really showed just how young they are. They haven't lived through a war, they aren't used to expecting the worst and always preparing with the worst in mind. Instead, they aren't quite prepared to handle a problem of this magnitude.
I find it interesting that even now that she's blurted out the worst of her story, she's willing to let them forget that she said it. She really doesn't want them to worry for her and I wonder how George will deal with this, since he won't be able to show his concern very openly since it will make the others suspicious and curious.
The snowball was a really fun scene to read. I really liked how carefree they were, how comfortable they were with each other. Snowball fights are always fun.
Quick question: Had Brienne sent Nyx to see Stanley Meadowes and I've just forgotten? If not, how was his letter delivered with her owl, since I can't see how he would have been able to attach it, especially since it would have been more convenient for him to use one of his own owls.
I'm really curious about the last line of the chapter. It seems like it could be interpreted in two ways: firstly, that she's received bad information or, secondly, that she's aware of the possibility of receiving negative information. They're very similar options but one is a lot more suspenseful than the other. :)
All in all, I really liked this chapter. I think that you're continuing to do a great job of writing the interactions between the characters and I look forward to seeing what the future holds for them. Thanks for requesting a review and I hope that my comments are helpful!Author's Response: Hi! Long time no see! It's lovely to read one of you reviews again :)
I'm SO glad you think their reactions were believable. I didn't want them to seem like they didn't care at all, so I'm glad you picked up that they just don't know what to do xD
Brienne hadn't sent Nyx, but I do remember a couple of times Hedwig arriving with unexpected post for Harry xD I don't know if that's right or not!
The last line is supposed to be mysterious, and it can kind of mean both things.
Thank you very much for your great review and I'm glad you liked the chapter! :D
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
Wow. I'm not entirely too sure how much I'll be able to comment on this story since I'm not the best at analyzing metaphors and the exact meaning behind small things. (sorry).
However, I can say this: I really did enjoy it. I think that you did some really interesting things with this piece, including switching tense and perspective. As well, if I'm not mistaken, you also didn't tell this story in chronological order.
Let's go section by section.
The first section, a journal entry, is very interesting because it is probably the most human, the most young sounding out of all of the sections. It does a great job of showing Regulus as exactly who he was at the time of his death: a teenager out of his depth. He cares, in his own way, about (some, very specific) other people in his life and displays fear and regret.
I really liked the second section. There was a definite sense of mystic-ness coupled (or, I suppose, juxtaposed) with a sense of cold logic. The darkness of the tale (was it the original version of "Little Red Riding Hood"?), for me, set the tone of the story fantastically and I absolutely loved the line "In the laconic brutality of dreams, in the despondent irony of dreams, he is tried and drowned in the bitter cold as a witch". To be killed for being magical, to experience that terror, the sheer frustration and anger of it... The opposite yet same as what he was doing with the Muggles and Muggleborns... And then to not remember it. It's very interesting and very well done.
Third section: I liked this section. It was short and used its shortness to have a great impact. "Dreams are nothing"- the simple power behind this statement... I love how it can be applied to more than the act of dreaming while sleeping, how it can be applied to the sense that dreaming has no power in the middle of a war. Except that without dreams, without hope, how are you supposed to remain motivated? Another great sentence that really added to the dark and depressed atmosphere of the piece.
Section four was a great grounding scene- it did a fantastic job of clarifying to the reader the status of the situation with Regulus. It was really nice to not have this important moment buried under metaphors and similes.
I think that you did a fantastic job with section five. The use of the second person did a fantastic job of conveying the desolate atmosphere of the cave, of the feeling of heading towards your death and not turning back. The imagery in this scene was beautiful and I really liked it.
Section six was the only section that I was really confused about, since it felt out of place from the flow of the story, as though you'd jumped backwards in time. However, I now believe that the section was his life flashing before his eyes, brokenly and muddled, as he died. Am I right? Nonetheless, the section did a great job of conveying the sense of unworthiness and shame that he was feeling during the last moments/months /years of his life.
The last section was very interesting because it showed a last-minute change in Regulus' character. In the moment of death, he found courage, confidence... But only by acting like his brother. It makes me wonder how his life would have been different if he'd been more like Sirius, if he'd had the support system Sirius had had when he started to change his mind.
All in all, I do not think that this story was unnecessarily melodramatic and I didn't notice any points where description was lacking. Even though I would've liked more substance to the entry in the first section, I know that teenage boys aren't likely to write pages and pages expounding their feelings. Hopefully I've given you some good comments on reader reaction and emotional power. Thanks for requesting a review!Author's Response: Okay, so I have been putting off responding to this review for a ridiculously long time. I have no excuse, really - I'm just lazy. I'm sorry.
Hah, it's all right. To be honest I don't think there are any exact meanings, I just make it all up as I go along. (I'm not giving you a very good impression of me, am I?)
You know, I hadn't realised that - section I, while I was writing it, was all about looking in the mirror one morning and seeing a zombie there, but you've made me realise why I get a lot of comments on it in reviews. As well as being lazy, I'm not very bright. I'm going to address your comment about the lack of substance in I as well: it'd be a bit stupid of him to leave something that incriminating around, because if found it'd lead Voldemort to possibly torture/kill what's left of his family.
II is not the original Little Red Riding Hood - the original is actually very NC-17, I suggest you look it up some time if you're a fan of black comedy - I just sort of took the Charles Perrault version and located it into medieval France or thereabouts, which was in a werewolf-hunting craze as well as a witch-hunting craze. But anyway, II was the one that went through the most rewrites out of this whole one-shot, so I'm very glad it stood out to you. (Also, your interpretation of it is very interesting - I wish I'd come up with that one first!)
III is so depressing because it struck me while I was reading and writing Marauders fanfiction that the First War was so much more cynical and brutal than the Second - getting married at nineteen, not trusting one of your best friends to not be a traitor, all that kind of stuff - and I like capturing that kind of thing, so I did.
It's interesting that you liked V. I personally am not a fan of all the far-too-much imagery, but I'm inclined to reconsider now.
What I was intending to in VI was to show Regulus' thought process when drinking the Drink of Despair, but if you like your interpretation better, you can stick with it - unworthiness and shame is about right, though, so thanks for that.
If he'd been more like Sirius... god, I've no idea what that would be like. Neither, I suspect, does Regulus.
Well... thank you for such an amazingly wonderful review. You're an absolute gem. :D Report Review
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
So the school year has started and they're once again plagued with the nuisance of plenty of homework and boring classes! Such a shame! :)
I liked the interactions you wrote between the characters in this chapter. Not only did they help to show the relationships between the characters, they also showed the possibilities in the future. It's really interesting that Sirius enjoys Muggle books and I can already see the possibilities in this similaritiy between the two of them...
As well, the moment between her and Sirius at the end of the chapter was intriguing because not only did it show that they can get along without fighting, unlike James and Lily, but that there might be feelings of attraction between the two of them... It was such a sweet and simple moment but it speaks volumes about their relationship.
Her rambling thoughts are also an excellent way to provide insight and memories, and I think that you're doing a great job of utilizing this tool without going overboard. I like her randomly inserted thoughts about Professor Binn's mistakes or Prefects.
I noticed a few typos as I was reading through and I'll quickly point them out. To begin, with the phrase "dressed quickly eager to get to the common room" there should be a comma after "quickly" and with the phrase "Cathy is being forced by the evil Heathcliff into marrying his son", "to marry" sounds better than "into marrying" (just a personal opinion, of course). As well, with "It's at least another hour until breakfast starts?" there should be a period, not question mark, since it's a statement, not a question and with "as I recognised it, when I saw who" there period or semi-colon instead of comma.
With "Ha that's just like Sirius, he hates living with his family as well so he escapes into the muggle world to annoy them, so now he reads muggle books and magazines or dates muggle girls" I would break this sentence up into smaller parts. For example, instead of a comma after "Sirius", I would use a period. As well, with "I said eager to get some breakfast" there should be a comma separating "said" and "eager" and with "I always loved going to Alice's house as she lives in St. Ives which is right by the coast so it's always fun to go there", the sentence starts and ends with practically identical sentiment... I would remove one of them (probably the "so it's always fun to go there"). Finally, with "which was in Egypt this year, so it was" I would change comma to a period and remove the "so".
As well, though it was fantastic to see an author focusing on the school aspect of Hogwarts and not just the social aspect of it, it felt as though you were trying to speed through the day. I would love it if you elaborated a little on one of the classroom scenes, perhaps writing out one of the girls' conversations in Potions class. It would help to ground the scenes.
All in all, I think that you did a great job with this chapter. Your characters continue to be interesting and I love the developments you're including. It will be interesting to see if Sirius and Thalia get together before James and Lily, which they probably will since James and Lily didn't get together until after fifth year... And, when they do, what it will do to the dynamics between James and Lily. Thanks for requesting and I hope that my review is helpful!Author's Response: Hi Roots! Thanks for such a quick review, it was appreciated a lot!
I'm glad that you liked the portrayal of their relationships in this chapter, as that was my aim, to lay a basis of them, and of course have a school chapter. I do hate it when stories just focus on the social aspect, so I thought it would be good to include a chapter which is based more on the academic side!
Yes I thought it would be funny to make Sirius read muggle books, and of course it meant that he and Thalia would then have something in common. This actually leads to something as well...
I'm glad that you liked the moment at the end, as that's how I'm starting off their relationship with these little moments. They probably will get together before James and Lily do, as they're actually on vaguely good terms and this is 5th year, and that's a lot more than you can say for James and Lily.
I'm glad that you liked her rambling thoughts, as that what my own tend to be like! I wasn't sure if they would be too weird or boring, so I'm glad to find that's not the case!
Thank you for pointing out those errors! No matter how many times I read through a chapter, there always seems to be a few left, which is so annoying! I'll go and edit them out as well.
I did feel that the chapter was rushing through the school day a little, but I did it because I thought the reader may get bored of just hearing about the lessons. But I agree with you, as I do think that it will make it less rushed and more interesting if I do include some dialogue, so I'll go back and add some in, as there isn't really much in this chapter.
I love your reviews, there so helpful, and you seem to pick out bits, which I and others don't seem to notice! It definitely was helpful, so no worries about that!
-Kiana :D Report Review
SURPRISE FOR A SECOND TIME! Hello! I'm back for another fantastic chapter!
Wow. This certainly was an interesting chapter. Although the scenes in the classroom did feel a little long, they also contained enough small moments to make them interesting. For example, I liked the small thoughts Lily had about Abigail and Remus. Abigail's comments in class further demonstrated her personality and it was really interesting to see the thoughts Lily had about competing academically with Remus. I have a few friends like that where we're basically always within a point or two of each other, percentage-wise. :)
As well, I really liked to see Lily's Potion smarts coming into play, though my favourite part of that section were Lily's thoughts about her possible career path. It was really interesting to see her wondering if Healer's training would be worth it because there's a war going on... I definitely think it would be, though, if for nothing more than it giving her the ability to heal her friends if they're wounded.
As well, I also liked the comments the Marauders made about Frank being "whipped" by Alice. I'm sure that their turn will come soon, especially with Belle so close to Sirius and James so enamoured with Lily. Then whose turn will it be to be teased? :)
There was one point of confusion for me, though. In defense class, was she writing notes or writing an essay? It seemed like she was taking notes but then you mentioned that it was an essay, which would indicate that it was being marked...
I was surprised when James turned Lily down, since I had been expecting for the "whipped" comment to be turned on him, and sadly enough I didn't see through the "Quidditch" excuse immediately. However, it was definitely a testament to the strength of their friendship that he was unwilling to leave Remus alone on the night of the full moon to spend time with Lily. It was also very sweet that they, in turn, recognized how important a step this was for him and convinced him to go. It's too bad that Alrek became a block between them, especially because of what we know about him!
I hope that James uses the invitation Slughorn always issues him to go along and keep an eye on Lily. Alrek shouldn't be alone with her and it would be fantastic if James had the time to reassure Lily about her concerns with their relationship.
And what a twist the late few paragraphs were! I wonder what it means that his owl was attacked... And what its having been attacked will mean for Petunia. I know she'll survive but I wonder if she'll possibly become a target, if it was the Death Eaters who attacked his owl, since they'd now know that he's "close" with her and that she's a Muggle. It's all very interesting and I'm very keen to read the next chapter and see where you're going with this!
All in all, it was another good chapter and I'm just as intrigued as ever to read about your Marauders. Great work! :DAuthor's Response: You are spoiling me with surprises!!!
I got so carried away with the classroom scenes. I swear, I have problems. Hahaha. There aren't much many of them in this whole book though, clearly because I can't control myself.
I think Lily and Remus would have had some fun/friendly sort of competition between them. Abigail is a sneaky brat. She's in another chapter very soon as well ;).
I always want to try and include some normal teenage boy type of humor, so I'm really happy that you liked the comments about him being whipped. Funny thing, at first I was going to make them joke about a whipping sound, but then I wasn't sure if that was a term used in the UK in the 70's, so I went with a bit of a more dated one.
Dun dun dun I've surprised you! Yay! I can't even tell you how much I appreciate your continuous reviews on this story. Your opinions are always so great to have, and you pick up on so many things that I'm thinking while I write these chapters. I really just want to hug you, but now I'm back trying to stop myself from hugging my computer.
The next chapter is a steamy one... ps ;).
Thank you again so much, m'dear ♥ AND thank you for putting my review in the reviews that made your day thread!!! I was so giddy when I saw that!!!
SURPRISE! I thought I'd review the next chapter of Before They Fall, see if I can once again try and catch up...
Wow. This is such an emotionally packed chapter and I think that you did such a brilliant job with Belle's portrayal. I had been wondering about her past since the pregnancy scene in the last chapter, and her past explains her reaction perfectly. To have gone through such a horribly tragic event so young... (Not that it's not awful at any age but she was without the support of her friends and family). Wow.
One thing that I really liked about the manner in which you wrote Belle in this chapter was that you didn't try and create more drama from the events. Instead, you let them speak for themselves and that made them all the more powerful.
It seems that just about everything that could have gone wrong with her situation did and yet it fit in perfectly with her previous role. She was the "golden girl", I suppose, and she was paired with the "perfect guy". Of course it would have made sense for them to take their relationship to the next step once they were alone... That was what everyone around them was expecting and pressuring them to do (the weight of social expectations). But when something happened to shatter everyone's illusions of her living a charmed and beautiful life, they broke away from whatever chain had been tying them to her. They saved themselves and told themselves that they were lucky, that it would never happen like that with them. (Assuming a little here, of course). I'm only glad that her sister was there to help her, however minimally that she did. For a time I believed that her sister was raising her child while she attended school so that she could graduate and get a better job... But that wasn't meant to be. Oh my gosh. I'm sorry for repeating what you already know but you did it so WELL that I had to work through my thoughts on the matter bit by bit. I hope you don't mind. :)
As well, I liked how you had Belle almost trying to distract herself or prepare herself in the beginning by asking Lily that question about James. Not only did it allow us a chance to clearly see what Lily thought about the progression of her relationship with James but it also showed us (if her story didn't already make it clear) just how difficult it is for Belle to tell them her past. It was such a vulnerable chapter for Belle and you did really well with it.
I really hope that she'll reveal her past to Sirius soon. I'm of two minds about her actions on that front. One is that telling Alice and Lily will make it easier to tell Sirius because she'll have already bared her soul once... And the other is that it'll take her longer because- wait, no, nevermind. I definitely think it'll be easier for her to tell him now because she knows that she'll have the support of her friends no matter what.
Alrek is at last explained! Wow- I don't think that I would have seen that coming. All of his actions make sense now... But why would he have chosen to become closer to James by making friends with Lily? Surely by now he would have realized that it would only make the group irritated with him... Or wait- perhaps he (correctly) assumed that the Marauders would be so close as to make it near impossible for someone new to insert themselves in a position somewhat close to James.
As evil a cause as Voldemort's logic will be used for, it is interesting that he believes that everyone will follow James and the decisions of the group... While probably true, it didn't work to sway more people into defending against the Death Eaters.
But what's really interesting about their plan to get James alone is that it looks like it will be the first of three times where James and Lily defied Voldemort... I'm really excited to see that!
All in all, I think that you did a fantastic job with this chapter! The emotions were beautifully portrayed and the developments (especially on the Alrek front) were really fascinating. I look forward to reading the next chapter! Great work! :DAuthor's Response: Hiii ♥ sorry for taking forever to get here :(.
No! I LOVE when you work through your thoughts like that. It makes me feel like I really got across what was in my head, if that makes sense. I think Belle's past story is such a tragic one for all the reasons you talked about. I especially liked your comments about the rest of the school sort of just feeling like they're happy it wasn't them, and they'd never be that stupid. She wasn't the perfect golden girl anymore. She finally feel, and they loved watching that sort of tragedy. And of course the willingly accepted Christophe's tale, because how much fun is it to think the perfect princess has been so low all along? Stupid mean girls :(. Now I'm feel all defensive of Belle and want to yell at them all :P
This chapter gave me so much grief. It was hard to try and get across the feelings of everything. A flashback like Sirius's wouldn't have worked, I needed her to be with her friends during it, and I was so nervous about doing the... glimpses into her past sort of thing. I'm just so happy that you think it was done well and it all felt emotional to you. I'm totally resisting the urge to hug my computer... but I really want to :P
With Alrek -- YES! Yes on your latter reasoning. Eventually, Alrek will go through step by step what it took to get here. And we'll learn that. But I'll tell you early because you already figured it out. He's obviously working with Regulus. When he and Regulus were first told that their assignment is to get as close to Potter as possible, Regulus decided to try and sort of watch from afar and find a weak link in one of the friends. We'll learn about all that later, but Alrek realized right away that he'd have to go a different route. He took his chance at getting closer to Lily during the party in chapter 4 with the idea that if he could get her liking him, he could find stuff out about them. He realized that wouldn't work the second she left with Sirius the next day, so he decided the other route. To be the guy that just needs some friends.
Okay. I'm totally going off on tangents. Like I said, we'll find out more of this later, so I'm now shutting myself up :P
I'm writing James's first defy right now! It's scary so far. Haha. I'm so happy you liked this chapter, and thank you for these amazing surprise reviews ♥
Hello! I'm here in response to the response you left on my status what seems like ages ago. Sorry about the delay! I'm glad that you responseded- I hadn't known that you'd updated this story!
This was another great chapter in a string of great chapters about this fantastical kingdom. I really liked how you're continuing to weave the different story lines together as well as how you include small pieces of what could be called canon into this piece.
One of my favourite moments in this chapter was when Narcissa noticed Lucius and he started to walk towards her. Though they aren't my favourite characters in the series, they work together so well that I can't see them with other people.
I liked the moments between the "Marauders" in this chapter. It's very interesting to see Sirius start his friendships with them with a very different mindset than the one he had in the series, a fact that was especially evident when Sirius' reaction to Remus was influenced by his late father's words.
The moment between Sirius and James was very well done. I really liked how they were able to come to an understanding of the other's position. James, as harsh as it may sound, has a good approach when it comes to toughening his friends up for survival. His words, and Sirius' mantra, "It's this or die" (to paraphrase) are very true.
I'm very curious to see exactly how Sirius' life in the wild will shape his future as a king. I have no doubt that he'll return to challenge his uncle, but I wonder what discoveries he'll make that will shape his reign. He could have had one of those discoveries today when he entered the village... But the village was friendly and warm enough, not as devastatingly poor to his eyes.
I also really liked the interaction between Sirius and Remus. From the scars on his body, I wonder if Remus is a werewolf in this universe as well... The wild nature of his reaction when Sirius asked about his scars does support this... I'm curious to see how werewolves are treated in this universe and, if they're poorly treated, if their treatment will become one of the things that will change once Sirius (or Regulus) sits on the throne.
I wonder if you'll write a bit of a time jump into this story, so that we end up with a more roughened and toughened Sirius and a Cygnus that's obviously wrong for the throne...
All in all, I guess I ended up wondering a lot about this universe that you've created... But that's only because it's so interesting! I look forward to seeing where you'll take this story next! Great work! Report Review
Hello! I'm here in response to the response that you left on my status. Sorry for the delay in delivering your review!
This was definitely an interesting and original story! Though I haven't read too many of the stories written for the House Cup challenge, it's always fascinating to see the different stories people have come up with that include the same prompts.
The dynamics between Helena and Salazar Slytherin were very interesting, particularly as the story progresses. Their relationship is certainly very strange, for though Helena says that he doesn't love her, there is still affection between them, as can be seen by the kiss he gives her in the beginning and the fact that he goes after her.
I wonder what the catalyst, the breaking point in this relationship will be. Salazar Slytherin eventually leaves Hogwarts, we know that much... I wonder if that is the action that pushes Helena into her gruesome fate... Or if her fiance will become bored and frustrated by her actions long before then.
I noticed one small thing as I was reading, that I'll quickly point out. With the phrase "throw him for a Chinese Fireball" I think it would work better if it was phrased "throw him to".
I liked your characterization in this story. You could see the hints of her mother in Helena, as she was very upfront about her situation. She's aware that it's not something that will lead to a "happy ending" and she frustrated by the illogical-ness of her emotions.
Salazar was well done as well. It was particularly interesting to see him in this story because it never brushed upon his feelings about muggleborns once, as so many Founders stories do eventually. It was nice to see him in a more humanized version here, even if he doesn't love Helena. :)
All in all, I think that you did a great job with this story. It was very well written and you weaved in the prompts so that they didn't feel awkward or forced in the story. Great work! :) Report Review
Hello! I'm here in response to the response you left on my status! I'm sorry for the delay in the delivery of my review, but since I'm here now, I'll just get started! :)
Oooh- this is a very interesting start to a story! I've always found the "seven sins" to be very fascinating, particularly when characters are shaped around their posession of one of the characteristics. I'd love to see Astoria's transition and growth through all of the sins.
I found your use of pride in this chapter very well done. It was nice to see that it was a characteristic that you gave to her while she was young, and one that was built out of necessity to counteract the bullying she has at the hands of Draco.
By the way, I found it absolutely fascinating to see Draco bully Astoria and know that in the future, the distant future, he will end up marrying her. I wonder how he'll fix the mistakes of his youth once he realizes just how fantastic Astoria actually is.
But anyway, I really liked how you used pride in this chapter. Though I hope that she'll grow out of the pointed superiority she feels in this chapter as she grows up, her behaviour fits her age.
It'll be interesting to see how reading the book's explanation of the seven sins will affect her future behaviour. Will it make her more conscious, more aware of how she acts? Will it cause her to draw away from any action she perceives to be a result of a sin?
Her grandfather certainly is a great influence on her. He's her support, her rock in life and I'm really glad that he was there to counteract the negative effect Draco had on Astoria. It's awful that more bullied children don't have that kind of support system, one that recognizes that something is wrong and attempts to fix it.
My only critique would be that I found the narration in the first section of the story slightly strange because it sounded too grown-up for Astoria's seven years of age. While I'm aware that this story is written in third person, it's written in the limited perspective that allows the readers to know her thoughts... And her thoughts were worded too finely for a seven-year-old. But that's only my thought. :P
All in all, I think that you did a great job with this chapter and I'm very interested to see how Astoria copes with the other sins that accompany the simple state of being human.Author's Response: Hi Roots!
Don't worry about the delay! I'm a little late with my response too, and I hope that you don't mind!
You definitely will! I've got things planned to link events in Astoria's life to the deadly sins, just like her childhood bullying is linked to the sin of pride.
Thank you! I didn't want to give her all of the sins when she was an adult, as I felt that sometimes childhood can affect adulthood and how better to instil the concept of pride that we see in the other Slytherins? :P And she will grow out of it... eventually.
I'm afraid I can't comment on that particular topic, since you're somewhat of a mind-reader concerning two of the sins. And that is all I'll say on the matter. ;)
As for Draco, I found it overdone to have Astoria head-over-heels in love with him, so I decided to try out the opposite. Her grandfather is definitely a good person in her life, with well-meaning intentions. However, he won't always be around - especially not when she's at Hogwarts, for example - and that will have an effect on Astoria.
I think you may be the first person to mention that, actually. I must admit that I was concerned about the first section too, but after reviews and re-reading I've decided to keep it like that. I did try to keep it as young as possible, with "art-write-is" et cetera, and I think if I tried to edit that section further I would have to sacrifice some of the detail and imagery. :3
Thank you so much, and thanks for reviewing! ♥ Report Review
Hello! Thanks for responding to my status and sorry for the delay on delivering the promised review. :)
This is a really interesting beginning to what looks to be a very interesting and original story. Not too many people explore the isolated ward of St Mungo's where the permanent residents stay... And you've taken such a unique angle with this story, using the perspective of a Death Eater (or perhaps just a Death Eater's associate).
One of the reasons I really enjoyed this chapter was the subtle complexity of her life. It wasn't clear (at least in this chapter) whether or not she was actually "insane" or if she was just acting, always acting.
She definitely seems to have led a contradictory life. She's a Healer, but she allowed the Death Eaters into the ward (or at least made it easier for them to attack). After allowing them in, she healed the injured where she could. She enabled injury but didn't want it to happen...
I do wonder, however, how or if she still had her job after the attack. To continue to have one, she must have fabricated a very good reason for summoning all of the trained staff out of the main area of the ward, something believable and strong enough to withstand suspicions of her being an associate of the Death Eaters.
Another thing that I really liked was how you included brief snippets of her trial. It grounded the chapter, in a way, providing a point around which the memories could focus. Will you continue to include brief moments of certainty in this story? I hope so- it's a very good technique! :)
I noticed a few typos, and I hope that you don't mind me pointing them out. To begin, with the phrase "Its quite risky for you to be here", you forgot the appostrophe in "it's". As well, the phrase "Did you or did you not," ... "Be the reason" could be phrased as "were you or were you not..." instead and in the phrase "When their was shouting and screaming" it should be "there". Finally, with the phrase "And they realized the room was lock" it should be "locked".
All in all, I think that you're off to a great start with this chapter. I'm intrigued to see where you go from here... Exactly what you'll share with us of Synnove Dolohov's life. Thanks once again for responding to my status! :) Report Review
Hello! I'm excited to see what sort of conversation Draco and Astoria will have now that they're in a more private place...
Oooh- another fantastic look into Draco's life after the war. I really admire your ability to understand what he went through as an unvoluntary Death Eater during the war. You don't soften his experiences, you don't have him commit any great acts of heroism to "redeem himself". Instead, you show that he made bad decisions, yes, but he was also very afraid for his and his family's lives. He was reluctant to contribute to the Death Eater's acts but he is not someone who would die for the Wizarding world, like Harry, and there's nothing truly wrong about that. He's human, that's all.
I think that he did a great job of showing his vulnerability in this chapter, of letting Astoria see more of who he is. It really shows just how much he wants to become closer to her, since his pride forbids him from opening in such a manner to everyone.
I also really liked how Astoria was one of the few to see the difference between receiving the Dark Mark and wanting to receive it, as there really is a large difference between the two possibilities. Furthermore, I think that Draco did a great job of explaining his thoughts about the Dark Mark. He didn't just start in and explain his hatred of the mark in an over-the-top manner, which certainly would have gained him points in some company... But not Astoria's. He was able to see that she really wanted the truth and all of the grey areas that accompany it.
Your explanation of his feelings toward the Dark Mark was fantastically done. It fit Draco's character perfectly, with his admiration of his father and his slow realization of what the mark actually meant. It was well put when he said that the mark didn't give you any power, it just made you a slave.
However, I was a little confused by Draco's explanation of what had happened between him and the Ratcliffes. I understand why he and Greyback went to seek them out, but then you said Greyback attacked the middle son... And Astoria asked if it was the "youngest son", to which Draco nodded yes. Did I miss something? What is the significance of him being the youngest son... And when you said "middle son", were you referring to his position in the row?
I also really liked that you added Astoria's encounter with McGonagall into this chapter. I was really interested to see how it would play out and so I'm very glad that I was able to sate my curiousity immediately! I really liked the twist you put with Hermione, especially since it does seem like Hermione to defend Draco from the prejudice she likely (and truly) thought he would receive from other witnesses.
I don't think that Astoria's words will result in an immediate change in McGonagall's treatment of Draco but I do think that it's planted the seed for a slightly gentler treatment in the future. Draco still needs to prove himself but McGonagall is probably more willing to give him the chance to prove himself now.
All in all, I think that you did a great job with this chapter and I'm eager to read what will happen next (especially Draco's surprise when he realizes that, against all odds, he's still enrolled in Hogwarts). While I can't say "Thank you for requesting a review!", I certainly can say "Thank you for replying to my status!". So thank you! :)Author's Response: Hello, hello! Thanks for the generous offer!
I've never thought of Draco as "brave", per se. Probably the bravest thing he does in the books is when he lies to Bellatrix about not knowing who Harry is. But he is very devoted to his family. So I tend to cast most of his actions in terms of his motivation to stay alive and keep his family safe, or at least as safe as they can be under the circumstances.
I think the vulnerability he shows to Astoria is key. She's never going to accept that he's changed unless he lowers the walls somewhat and shows her. She's quite perceptive. So after he finishes baring his soul to her about the horrible night when he first met the Ratcliffes, I think it definitely would have made her question whether he ever wanted to be a Death Eater.
Draco's feelings about taking the Dark Mark are very grey, I think. I have to imagine that he spent the better part of two years wondering how getting everything he'd always dreamed of turned out to be such a horrible thing.
I guess I could have made the part about the three sons more clear. Madam Ratcliffe had three sons. The middle son tried to attack Draco and Greyback killed him. So when Astoria asks about "the third son", she isn't referring to their birth order but to the fact that only two of the Ratcliffe boys attacked Draco in the last chapter in Hogsmeade.
McGonagall is doing some thinking by the end of this chapter. Like most people, she isn't ever going to forget which side Draco fought for. She will also never forgive him for allowing Bella, Greyback and the others into the castle on the night Dumbledore died, even though Dumbledore was fully aware of what was going to happen. But she is beginning to take note in the change she sees in Draco. More on this in future chapters.
I'm really glad you liked the chapter. This story is slow going for me because I know where it's going to end, but I haven't 100% figured out how I'm getting there. That's part of what makes it fun, I guess. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! Report Review
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
I enjoyed reading your second chapter! I think that you did a good job of ensuring continuity from the first chapter through your references to why she was at the Weasleys' house (sorry- manor!) while also moving the plot along!.
I think that you do a fantastic job of writing the dialogue between the characters. Their interaction feels natural and not forced at all, as though I'd walked in on my own friends' conversation.
Louis definitely seems like he'll be an interesting character to play around with. He's very "out there" and will surely provide a way of "breaking the monotony", should you ever find yourself in a writing rut. :)
Though I think that the manner in which you introduced your characters worked well in this chapter, I would just be careful about listing off descriptions of characters later on. It's a technique that can be seen as more tell than show, and makes the characters feel almost forced into the scene. Just to be clear, it wasn't a problem in this scene, it's just something to note for the future. :)
Izzy continues to be a very bubbly and interesting person. She's always quick with her thoughts and she certainly won't ever bore someone with her monologues. :) I really liked how you had her address Rose's adult family members by their last names because it shows a level of respect. Though I'm sure that now that she's living in with them she'll start calling them by their first names, it would be a little odd if she was already so informal and familiar with them.
One thing I would be careful to watch is that you're not going too over-the-top with Izzy's character. With the type of personality she has, it would be easy to write her as overly dramatic and practically hysterical about everything, which wouldn't exactly make her a lovable character. ;)
I also noticed a few typos that I'll quickly point out. To begin, with the phrase "Knight Bus had disappeared" it should just be "disappeared". As well, with "Just like (he snapped his fingers) that" there's a little formatting error. Typically, if you're going to insert description into the dialogue, you would write it like this: "Just like-" he snapped his fingers, "-that." As well, with "had first though" you're missing the "t" in "thought" and with "you should have heard grumbling about it" you're missing the "them" after "heard". Finally, with the phrase "as Rose, Louis and I" it should be "and me", not "I", since they're the "objects" of the sentence, not the subjects.
All in all, I think that you've written a very fun and enjoyable chapter here! It was great to see the interaction between Izzy and the Weasley family and I hope that the adults in the family won't have any problems with Izzy moving in. Thanks for requesting a review and I hope that it was helpful!Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review-it is super helpful and I am definitely planning on going back and making some edits. And I'm glad you pointed out those typos-no matter how many times I read and re-read, some always seem to slip past me!
It's great that you seem to think my characters are interesting and fun to read about and I completely agree with your point about the descriptions.
Courtney:) Report Review
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
It has been some time since I read chapter two, but I still do remember most of it. I apologize if I forget anything that's happened in previous chapters.
Once again, I'm struck by how different, how original your story is. I still had to shake my head several times to remind myself that you're not contradicting anything canon, persay, just the headcanon of many people.
This story continues to be a very interesting look into the life of Snape while he lives as a double agent during the first Wizarding War.
I noticed three things as I was reading through relating to phrasing/word choice. The first was with "Whatever", which sounded a little odd coming from Snape, perhaps because it's typically associated with youth and youthful rebellion... Unless that's the effect you're looking for, you could change it to "What ever you do in the privacy of your home". As well, with "which I hadn't" I think it should be "haven't" instead of "hadn't" and with "with the it" it should just be "with it".
In contrast with what I've written above, I really liked the small hints in the phrasing that showed that Snape is not yet a bitter almost-forty-year-old man but rather a young man who's making mistakes but pushing through already.
As well, I liked how you had the Order (or at least one member of the Order) make a mistake in this chapter. Though it was a possibly fatal one, it did show that they are still young and unprepared in the dangers and ways of war. They can't imagine all of the possibilities and pitfalls that could occur like an older, more experienced person could and so they will make mistakes. (Hopefully just not fatal ones). Furthermore, it was another nice touch that you had Dorcas contact him even though her news wasn't of much significance and didn't require a face-to-face meeting. It showed once again just how inexperienced some of the Order members are. I felt that Snape was completely justified in feeling snappish and irritated with her- she had, after all, risked his life over something small (though perhaps worth knowing. I can't remember exactly what we know about his employer).
Just a small thing: in the last scene, you wrote that Snape needed all three shield charms in order to be safe... And then described only two wands in the first few trials. Snape then asked Avery to add his wand to the mix. I was wondering why only two wands were needed for the first two experiments. I don't think that you mentioned the reasoning in the chapter itself.
I'm very intrigued by the events in the last section of the chapter. Avery had reason to be afraid but the disaster his hesitance caused! Poor Snape! I can only imagine now that since the Dark Mark has been cast over his flat that the Order will believe he's dead. I wonder what their reactions will be... If the majority of them will only know that their "source" has gone missing/died. However, I think I would have been more surprised if nothing had happened while the experiment was taking place. The Death Eaters he had for help weren't exactly high quality.
I am confused about one point, though. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought that a flat was an apartment building... Which would make Severus' action of collapsing the building very dangerous. Am I mistaken?
All in all, I think that you're doing a great job with this story. The plot continues to be very credible and well thought-out. Thanks for requesting and I hope that my review is helpful/wasn't too confusing and jumbled.Author's Response: Hello again!
Have I mentioned how much I love your reviews? I do, I do. It's because you catch things that no one else does and makes me think more logically about my story. :)
This is a good thing. I think my greatest weakness was continuity. I say "was" now, because I hope that I've improved, but sometimes logic still trips me up when my muse says things like, "wouldn't i t be neat if someone flew into this scene in a hot air balloon?". At least now, I bombard my muse with annoying questions like, "And how exactly did that character get their hands on said air balloon? Do they even have air balloons in this world? Would this character have ever encountered an air balloon before, and how did he even learn to fly the thing??" before jumping right in... anyway...
I hope you really feel like I'm not contradicting canon in this story. That was the one thing I put a boat load of effort into to make this idea work out. It does contradict almost all head canon out there regarding Severus Snape, but that can't be helped. Again, if you need to think of it as slightly AU, I don't mind.
I think the reasoning for my word choices in this chapter were indeed trying to show Severus as a younger man. I might have gone a bit too far with it in those instances that you pointed out, but I'm glad that the idea of it didn't go without notice.
Dorcas was a difficult character for me. I had all these things that she was supposed to "do" in the story, and they just didn't make sense. She was supposed to be all reckless and think more with her feet than her brain, and sometimes I think she went a bit too far. Again, you deducted correctly. She is very inexperienced and will make mistakes, and her superiors are much too occupied with "other things" to keep a close eye on her.
Ahh, the inconsistencies still plague me. One day, I will go back and fix the "three shield", "two shield" mix up. Sigh. You are such a good reviewer. I swear it seemed important at the time, but it ended up being a non-issue in the final revision.
Also with the flat. Yeah. That makes sense. *shakes head in shame*.
Your review was not at all confusing or jumbled. It was perfect. I love your reviews! Have I said that already? Thanks so much for your incredible attention to detail. You'll have to excuse me now. I have an air balloon that needs to be deleted from my WIP. ;)
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
And just when I thought I might be able to catch up... You post another two chapters. Ah well- at least I know I'll never have to wait to read the next one. :P
Ah- that was such a sweet ending to the chapter! When Peter first called out to Lily to come, I was worried that there was a more dangerous reason as to why she was needed... After all, she had just broken up the beginnings of a different fight. But once they entered the pet shop I knew...
I really liked the progress you made with the relationship between James and Lily in this chapter. Though they still aren't together together, they're definitely moving in that direction. I particularly liked the flash of envy Lily experienced when she saw Frank and Alice together. The other moments in the chapter- the quiet moment when he says that she's beautiful, her thoughts on her dependence on him- show just how close they've gotten and just how emotional and true this relationship is/will be. They won't be together simply because they've been told that they would be good together; they'll be together because they are both attracted physically, mentally, in all ways possible, to each other. And it's such a wonderful thing to see.
Might I add that I really liked the detail about Frank having a toad as a pet? It was a really nice link to Neville and Trevor and adds an extra dimension as to why Neville has a toad as a pet.
(Back from that sort-of side-track) I really enjoyed how you gave them a "normal day". It was a nice reminder that even though they are the Marauders, and even though they're living in the beginning of the first Wizarding War, that they are still in their final year at Hogwarts, that they still have regular duties to worry about, alongside schoolwork.
Furthermore, this chapter didn't feel slow to me- you slipped in enough small moments that feels like it all added up to something big. The progress in the relationship between James and Lily, the almost revelation about Belle's past, the basic demonstration of the solidness of the friendships... It was a wonderful chapter from the perspective of character development and depth.
If there was one thing (and only one thing) that I felt a little odd about, it was the encounter between the prefect and her pregnant cousin. It seemed to spark something in Belle, which makes me even more curious about her past, but I'm wondering if the scene serves an even larger purpose... It certainly seemed odd that a Slytherin was saying that her parents were more progressive than her cousin's. If it turns out to not serve a larger purpose, then it would be a scene I'd consider taking out, since it fit a little roughly into the larger scene.
I noticed a few other things but they're mostly personal opinion, so feel free to ignore them! To begin, with the phrase "the next form, then the next" I would add an "and" before the "then". As well, the phrase "FI (Form Invalid) next to his name which was written on a separate sheet, then slipped the form behind that parchment" sounded slightly awkward to me. Would "next to his name on a separate sheet, then..." work instead? And then with the phrase "only a few months had to have been a record for those two" I would change it to "had to be" and with "from both James an Sirius" you missed the "d" in "and". Finally, with "I did three toes", are you missing "scratch" or "hurt"?
I have one other comment: Is it possible that you could give Abigail more of an introduction? Her appearance seemed kind of sudden and it wasn't until Lily mentioned that she was a prefect that I remembered that we'd probably seen her before... Then again, my memory for characters can be pretty poor. :P
Your transitions between the sections were great! Nothing felt awkwardly done and I particularly liked the transition from the hallway into Lily's rooms- your first sentence made it really clear that the setting (and thus the scene) had changed.
All in all, I think that you did a fantastic job with this chapter! It was certainly a pleasure to read; thanks for requesting a review!Author's Response: Hi Roots!!! Sorry this response has taken me so long to get to :(
Showing that Lily and James eventually become, well, Lily and James simply because they are in love, they care about one another, and they'd never want to live a life without each other is everything I want to do with these books. I can't stand when they're painted as a pair that married because of the war, and I'm so happy that you think the little details are showing how true their feelings are &hearts'
I'm reading the review as I response right now, and your comments are just so amazing to hear (well, read). I just want to stop responding and sit here in all my warm feels, but then it'll be longer until I response and I don't want that! You just have no idea how much it means to me that you feel like this is showing why they came together in the first place. I want to hug you!
Hehe. I couldn't help but leave out the toad idea. Maybe Trevor was Frank's toad's baby :P
I'm so happy it didn't feel too slow! I really wanted to sit back and take a bit to let more of their characteristics shine through, but I know everyone doesn't love reading over 7,000 words on a normal day. Thank you for making me feel reassured that even if it was a quieter one, it still wasn't boring ♥
YES to your larger purpose question. We'll see Alana (the cousin) again on and off, and both her being pregnant and her denial that her parents are as harsh as Abigail's come back to us in book two. When the group is in the order. It won't be for a while now, but because it also ties into Belle it felt like the best place to put it. But I'll go through and see if there is a way I can make it fit in a bit smoother, thank you for pointing that out ♥
Abigail's last mention in chapter with Moody. Two chapters ago, I think. But her mention is just small. It's when Lily is calling the names of the Slytherin prefects and Briscoe says that Abigail couldn't make it, and he both seems annoyed at his fellow prefect and like he doesn't believe her. She comes a bit more after this, so I absolutely want to make sure there's recognition of her in this chapter. I'll go back and see if I can get a few lines in during the class with Moody. Maybe Lily can ask her why she wasn't there that morning or something... Sorry. I started brainstorming and got sidetracked :P Thank you for pointing that out, too, m'dear ♥
Oh good! I'm so happy that I smoothed out the transitions!
Thank you so much for this awesome review. Yours always offer so much insight and great advice. I know It's probably a bit ridiculous that I request each time you have a slop open, but I just can't help myself. Though I do hope you'll let me know if it ever becomes too much ♥
Your reviews always make me want to head over to Pansy. It's easy to forget to catch up on my reviewing, since I'm terrible and kept up on the reading part, but then I see Roots in Water and think, OH! I want to go reviewing Pansy! Which means you'll probably be seeing me later this evening;)
Thank you, m'dear! ♥ Report Review
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
Haha- I'm slowly catching up to your most recent post!
Oh my gosh- I loved the interactions in this chapter so much! Your characterization was spot on! To begin, your Sirius in this chapter was perhaps the best characterization I've seen of him. Ever. He wasn't flat-out joking in this chapter- he was serious, loyal to his friends and he wasn't afraid to step it up and perhaps play the fool to help them out. His actions in the Potions classroom were funny because he didn't even think about not stopping Alrek from getting a date with Lily. His casual insertion of himself into the conversation was beautifully done. :)
To tell the truth, I'd forgotten about Alrek and his mysterious attempts to get closer to Lily. Now that I've been reminded, I'm very curious to see what will happen to and with him.
The interaction between James and Lily was also fantastically done. It was so heart-warming to see them interact, close because they're close. Not defined by strict relationships- just growing closer and closer together until they both decide to take the leap into "romance".
I think that one of my favourite parts of this chapter was the mention of the relationship between his parents. The simple yet meaningful actions his father performs "because she likes it" show the strength of their relationship far more than words could describe. And when James said that it "all depends on the girl"... I was so happy. :)
Your Order of the Phoenix meeting was very well done. Once again I was very happy to see how you didn't neglect a single one of the characters in their discussion about who to contact about becoming an Order member. It was great to see them listing strengths that Peter has.
As well, I really enjoyed your characterization of Moody. I think that you did a fabulous job with him here; he was gruff but definitely in his element. His wording was also fantastic- "little brown thing" sounded exactly like something that would come out of his mouth. Furthermore, I found his comments about Sirius very interesting. Are they canon because they definitely sound familiar... Anyway, I think that you handled his suspicions very well, as well as the reactions from the Order members. Of course Moody wouldn't be one to shirk on expressing his opinions.
Minerva's perspective was very well done as well. Her pride at having successful and well-recognized students fit nicely with what we know of her, but so did her worry over introducing them into a dangerous atmosphere. She really does have a soft spot for her students; she cares about them.
One thing I did find a little odd was the manner in which they summarized the last major activity of the group. I guess that it was for everyone's peace of mind and so that everyone felt involved, but it did feel a little odd to be questioning that everything had been done exactly to specifications when there would be nothing to be done if they hadn't. But perhaps that's something that military-type groups often do...
I did notice a few typos that I'll quickly point out. To begin, with the phrase "My aunts home" it should be "aunt's" and with "Sirius's was looking" it should just be "Sirius". As well, with the phrase "the fist time" it should be "first" and with "smiley than usual, he'd have to find out" I would use a semi-colon instead of a comma.
All in all, I think that you did a fantastic job with this chapter! It was certainly very enjoyable and it moved both the plot and the characters along in an interesting manner. As well, thanks for the mention in your AN! :) And, as always, thanks for requesting a review!Author's Response: I'm responding to this right now so you get my full excitement squee-ness.
First of all, I literally laughed at loud about your comment with them summarizing what had been done. I had to really think about where I picked that up from. A handful of the pre deployment ceremonies have done that sort of thing, bit it's not really procedure. Anyway, I've decided it's my *own* distrust for people and their competence in general that had Minerva going over to see that everything was completed the way it needed to be. Seriously though, you are so perceptive.
Your comments about Sirius made me so insanely happy. Like, I was tempted to hug my computer hoping the hug would get to you. I've probably told you all this before, but giving the boys a place they deserve is just as important to me is giving Lily and James a love that was *real* and not just a 'because we all might die soon' thing. I want it to be so clear through this that, no matter how this all ended, these four boys loved each other. Sirius and James were as much brothers as any could be. Despite their love for pranks and over confident attitudes, they were some of the most amazing people to have watching out for you. Now I'm going to get all feelsy because I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY JKR TOOK MY MARAUDERS. Phew. Okay.
Alrek become even more important very soon... dun dun dun.
The Order meeting was really, really scary for me to write so I'm really thrilled that you liked it. I wish I could think of a more creative way to tell you how happy I am, but yeah. My brain is broken. I don't *think* Moody's comments about Sirius are canon... but you know quickly head canon and real canon merge, I'm sure, so don't quote me on that. I love getting to look at the group from so many different angels, though. The Order, the DE (another one of their sections is coming up soon) and of course from the group themselves. There's just eight students, with all these plans circling around them that they have no idea about. Okay, I better stop before I get all feelsy again.
Thank you so much for pointing out the typos ♥ I just edited them in my Pages copy, and I'll edit them in the published chapter when I add chapter 16 tomorrow :).
I just want to keep rambling so that somewhere along the way I get across how much I appreciate all your reviews, by I'm afraid you'll exit out of the window you read this response in if I ramble on too long ;).
Thank you ♥ Report Review
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
Such an amazing chapter! I really loved the direction that you took with Draco and Astoria in this chapter, although it's one that I never would have guessed at.
As we've both mentioned before, it would be impossible for there to be no hatred/bad reactions to Draco's presence and this same idea played into this scene. Though I was disappointed in Ron's actions, they did make perfect sense, considering that Ron was still burning from the same intense feelings of the war as everyone else and he also had a personal dislike of Draco. Furthermore, he hadn't yet matured past immediately acting upon his feelings.
Draco handled himself very well at first (I was impressed by how he managed to keep himself under control). His reactions once his safety was threatened were brilliantly done. Of course he would have learned to react and keep himself safe. Of course he would be unable to stop himself from reacting when there was the possibility of being humiliated.
Though Hermione wasn't the saviour I was expecting (I thought that Astoria would be the one to step in during that fight), I think that she acted perfectly in character (as you always manage to write your characters). I was not at all surprised when she reacted violently to Draco's words- some prejudices in some situations she just cannot stand.
Draco's reaction to her help was perfectly understandable, though- he'd just been humiliated and, like Snape, his pride reacted before his mouth could process that he didn't actually want to injure the person who had helped him.
On a side note, I really liked the mention of Harry and Ginny. From the short glimpse we saw of them, it seemed as though their relationship was still very passionate and making them both very happy. That small segment where they met definitely made me smile. As well, I kept expecting Harry to show up to save the day; but that, of course, wouldn't help to move Draco and Astoria's relationship along, just Harry and Draco's.
I liked your wording when Astoria differentiates between the two perceptions of Draco. For her father, he is a man, completely capable of making decisions and thus completely responsible for his actions. However, Astoria sees him as a young man, one who regrets his actions, one who realizes that he was wrong. One who didn't become a Death Eater out of true desire to belong to 'the cause".
The scene at the end was rather frightening as you had several witches and wizards who were more than willing to severely damage Draco (and then Astoria for standing by him) and a Draco who wasn't in top form. I was so happy when Draco apparated them away and I'm really intrigued to see the conversation that happens once they have a moment to themselves.
As well, I liked the intuition and understanding of Draco that Astoria showed in this chapter. She understands (at least partly) why he reacted the way he did to Hermione and she also saw the regret in his eyes. This understanding, coupled with her perception of his regret, will certainly help them in the course of their relationship.
All in all, I think that you did a fabulous job with this chapter- I really enjoyed it. I'm sorry for the unorganized sequence of my comments- hopefully you can still follow my train of thought. Thanks for requesting a review!Author's Response: It's "Clean Out the Unanswered Reviews Day"! Starting with another amazing review from my pal Roots.
Draco spends an awful lot of this story being hated by various people who fought on the other side during the war. Not to mention some time being hated by people who fought on the **same side** during the war. It just isn't fun to be him. In my mind, Ron is still hurting from Fred's death, as are the other members of his family. Combined with his new found self-confidence and his legendary inability to deal with his emotions, it's a recipe for confrontation. I'm disappointed in him, as well, and I wrote this. ;)
Draco really tries. That's probably the worst thing about the situation. If Draco was being an unrepentant jerk about the whole thing, we could just look at him and say, "Good on Ron, he gave Malfoy what he deserved." But it isn't like that at all. So by the time Hermione steps in to restore order, Draco's mood is simply too far gone. He's angry and his pride has been hurt. He reacts instinctively and once again he pays a price for it.
Harry and Ginny are truly happy at the start of this chapter. Personally, I have a hard time writing the two of them any other way.
Astoria is trying very hard to decide who the "real Draco Malfoy" is in this chapter. She's a clever, perceptive girl, and very practical. She observes, she collects evidence and she weighs the alternatives.
The fight scene wasn't something I'd originally planned on, but I decided that I wanted the two of them to have a more private conversation. So I needed a way to get them out of the village.
I'm really glad that you enjoyed this. Expect some major soul-baring confessions in the next. Thank you for the long, detailed and enjoyable review! Report Review
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
And so we get a glimpse into the famous world of the Marauders! :) I think that overall you did a good job with your characterization of them. It was nice to see them heading straight back into the pranking business and of course Sirius would have to be a talented liar- how else would he attempt to get out of detention? His slightly dramatic air was funny to read and will surely make for some interesting narration in the future.
As well, Remus' worry over losing his Prefect badge was very well done, as Remus definitely seems to be the sort to worry over criticisms from figures of authority.
I did like how Peter was slightly shy and nervous, as he never had the backbone that Sirius and James did. However, I didn't like Sirius' negative thoughts towards him as much. I would have thought that if Sirius truly didn't like Peter all that much that he would have told him and the Marauders four would have become the Marauders three. After all, I got the impression that the Marauders were all close together (though James and Sirius were the closest).
I liked the addition of Sirius' name at the top. It wasn't overstated but it definitely made it clear the point of view of the chapter!
I thought that the flow of the chapter was good! You took your time in the scenes and didn't rush the dialogue or the interactions between characters. However, I was a little surprised when Remus jumped into the conversation as I had thought that they were waiting for him... Perhaps if you included a little bit more description of the setting it would be easier to follow along with the characters' movements. After all, good dialogue is only one half of the story. :)
I think that you're doing a good job of moving the story along. It's only chapter three and already we're in Hogwarts and you've established tensions not only between Lily and James but also between Thalia and Sirius. I liked how you mentioned that they actually got along alright when they dropped the animosity they held towards each other because of their friends.
I did notice a few typos as I went through and I'll point them out to you now. To begin, with the phrase "prefect's badge, who in the right mind would make me or James prefect!", I would switch the comma for a semi-colon and the "the" to "their". As well, I noticed that you tended to forget the punctuation between the end of the dialogue and the quotation mark. For example, with the phrase "be pretty spectacular" I reminded him", there would be a comma after "spectacular" but before the quotation mark. With "Slytherin's" it should be "Slytherins", since you're discussing plural Slytherins, not the possession of a Slytherin and with the phrase "of a detention, I sometimes" I would replace the comma with either a semi-colon or a period. As well, with the phrase "The boys also realising" I would put a comma after "boys" and with "Anyway, why arenít you two with the others I thought you guys were inseparable?", I would separate it into two sentences after "others". I would do the same with "you yet, your friends" after "yet". Finally, with "meant want she said", I believe you meant "what" not "want". If you want any clarification, just PM me. :)
All in all, I think that you did a great job with this chapter. You had some great interactions between the Marauders and between the two friend groups. You also established some of the plot, but not in an overly obvious manner, which is great. Thanks for requesting and I hope that my comments are helpful!Author's Response: Hi, thank you for leaving such a detailed review, I really appreciate the time you put into this :)
I'm glad that you liked the Marauders, yes Sirius does seem to have a talent for liar, and acting, he is mad now, but he will calm down over the years! And Remus of course he would worry over his badge, he is quite the worrier, I'm glad you thought that worked well!
I do feel bad about making Peter the outsider, so in the later chapters I do try and make him feel more welcome, and he does get a bit more prominent part, it's just hard to write him as a nice character, when you know how he ends up!
Yes I thought it was important to have the name at the top, just so the reader isn't confused, and I'm glad you didn't thik it was too prominent, as that's what I wanted it to be:)
I'm glad that you thought it flowed nicely, and I'll go back and perhaps a sentence or two about how Remus ended up there, as I can now see why his sudden appearance may have been confusing!
I'm glad that you liked the relations with James/Lily, Sirius/Thalia, I wanted to show that just because that both of them being best friends with Jilly, meant that they had to hate each other all the time! I mean eventually they will end up together, so I thought it would be more plausible if they did sort of like each other, when they forget that they were meant to hate one another!
Aw thank you so much on pointing out the grammar mistakes it's so useful! I will definitely go back and change them! I'm so bad at grammar, that if someone shows me where I've gone wrong, I can improve from it, so thank you for doing that :)
Yes your comments were extremely helpful! You're such a detailed reviewer it was so nice to see:D Thank you again for this wonderful review! Report Review
This was certainly a different, yet great follow-up to the first chapter. It was interesting to see Fred's perspective after he died, especially how he sees himself as wedged between consciousness and oblivion. I wonder how he'll interact with the greater world, or if he will at all.
His perspective on death was very interesting, particularly because he, like just about everyone else, never planned on dying, never thought that he would die until he was old. Even though there was a war going on, he'd assumed he'd live through it because how else can you get through it?
The moment in the field was very interesting because of this, because it was a moment where they could have discussed dying but didn't. I was a little surprised, though, that the bludger didn't injure him more. From the description in the story, I thought that a bludger to the face would have resulted in head trauma (or something along those lines, something that could not be healed by "episkey").
As well, I did find it a little surprising that they used/had invented such a Dark-seeming spell. Their pranks had always seemed more light-hearted and while I knew/had assumed that they weren't gentle with their enemies, I hadn't thought that they were already capable of using those sorts of spells. Of course, the actual spell mightn't have been gruesome, just its appearance.
Fred's comments about his death were really interesting and I really liked the style you used in describing the moment of his death. The spacing really helped to give the impression that he was drifting away from body (at least, that's the impression I got from the scene). His frustration about his "death in a punch line" was fitting. He died participating in an activity that he loved to do but it certainly wasn't how he would want to go (if you say exactly how you'd like to go). The joke, as he said, wasn't that funny...
All in all, I think that you did a great job with this chapter and I'm very interested to see where you'll take this story. Will Fred and George somehow interact? Will this be a story of how they both come to terms with their individual situations? Great work! :DAuthor's Response: Roots! Oh, first of all, I'm very very very sorry for taking ONE WHOLE MONTH to respond to your amazing review. And I haven't even answered your other one on my Creevey oneshot :( No excuses from me here, just procrastinating and stuff.sorry :(
But, thank you so much for these lovely surprise reviews! I'm so grateful and flattered that you actually came back to read on! It means a great deal to me.
This chapter...it's been quite some time since I wrote it, and now it's starting to sound a little off, when I reread. There's something not quite right about Fred's voice, there are heavy descriptions in the wrong areas, and the twins' relationship seem a little jarring. I intend to go back and fix this chapter completely. Rewrite. And then I'm going to move it down the story, because it's in the wrong place. I just realised this as i was planning out further chapters.
Baha! I'm so glad you picked out all those things from the chapter, the Episkey bit and the Dark-seeming spell used by the twins. I'm not the best at canon and I'm always incredibly grateful to reviewers who point out whenever the stuff I write is incompatible with canon. I will have to go back and change things around. I'm trying to give this story a slightly darker tone and atmosphere...hence the use of that spell.
Yeah, the formatting and spacing was meant to show some sort of disembodying process. Fred will pretty much lose everything with death. As for whether the twins will interact...well, they're both separated quite cleanly, at least for now. If they do interact I'm not going to make it easy for them :P Because I'm mean like that baha!
Anyway, thanks sososo very much for this lovely review! I'm currently writing Chapter 4 and I do hope you continue to read this story! your feedback has been just wonderful :D
-teh Report Review
Wow. Just wow. I was on my way to read the second chapter of your Fred/George story but I saw the summary of this story and I just had to stop.
And I'm very glad that I did.
This story was beatifully done. I think that you did a great job of describing what it means, what it could mean, to be the one recording the beauty of life, the one seeing the subtilities of the glory of living. Colin didn't capture the beauty of things that everyone knew were beautiful- he captured the ordinary beauty, the beauty that's often overlooked.
I really liked Doris and Colin's role in her life. He saw something in her, probably the effects of a long and not always pleasant life, and he saw her worth. The pictures he took during those weeks might not be pretty but they are beautiful because they tell a story of a person.
I think that you captured Colin wonderfully- the manner in which he would ask people, constantly and continually, to take their photos. It adds an extra depth to his photography; it reminds us that he, perhaps, was not just star-obsessed over Harry- he just saw him as a fantastic subject for his photos.
The role you gave Dennis was very interesting and well played. He was the sort of younger brother who tagged along, participating in the activities of his older brother without quite understanding or seeing the point in them. He allowed his brother to exercise his quirks, though; didn't complain (overly much) when his brother had him wait because he had just seen the perfect shot. The way you described it gave their relationship depth without being overly perfect and thus unrealistic.
I really enjoyed the manner in which you told this, exactly as though you were relating a story to me in real life. It made it that much more personal, which it pretty much has to be since he's talking about the death and life of his brother.
I absolutely loved the ending you gave this story. The way Dennis understood, even if just that one time, even just for that moment, what Colin saw in his photos was beautifully done and lent some more strength to their relationship.
All in all, I think that you did a fantastic job with this one-shot. It was a fascinating look into the possibilities of the lives of the Creevey brothers. Very well done! :DAuthor's Response: asjkfdahlskjfhlkaj Roots! ♥
First, please forgive me for taking an absolutely ridiculous amount of time to respond to your amazing wonderful lovely review which just had me tearing up at all the compliments you've given me.
THANK YOU oh my gosh.
Yes, that's basically the main premise of the story - the ordinariest, plainest, trivialest of details rather than anything too abstract or grand. That's what Colin and Dennis see, and Colin appreciates them heaps - Dennis not so much. At least in this story :P Hopefully I pulled that off...
Dennis tags along a little, like the little brother! I think you've pretty much got him! Gah! I'm so happy you thought the sibling relationship was realistic :) It's one of the things I'm really concerned about: if character relationships are convincing enough or not. And I'm so so glad that the Creeveys work for you.
And the ending...yeah :) I had this ending in mind when I started writing. It certainly is a moment of understanding of some sort. Possibly you could interpret it (if you like) as a sign that Dennis is going to be fine...eventually.
THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN FOR YOUR FANTASTIC REVIEW ROOTS ♥ I love the Creeveys, and I'm just so overjoyed that you enjoyed this story!
-teh Report Review
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